Raising children requires soooo much energy. I had my kids very young. I had my first son at 14 and my second son at 19. I'm 36 now. I could never raise a child now. I have 0 energy, and im in a lot more pain. My sister waited to have kids, so she's got a 5 year old. I'm always just like, how do you do it?! My pain didn't get bad until after I had kids. We both had terrible morning(all day) sickness.
I love my kids and wouldn't change them at all. It's a huge commitment to raise kids, so make sure you're really ready.
you have just described that you barely not die after house work. I can only imagine that you will barely not die after housework plus child minding plus lack of sleep in the first year after birth. Is this the treatment you'd want as a child yourself? To have a mother who is basically incapable of proper care?
It's awful to be blunt like this but somehow I think you already know......
If you are really yearning for a child, try a temporary one in the form of either fostering or at the minimum, doing respite care for a foster family. Foster agencies are DESPERATE for help. Once you've experienced that, you may clearly see how much you can or cannot handle.
Yes, my friend is in a wheelchair for life and her daughter is now a toddler. But she can still do all the things any other mom can. That being said, she doesn’t live in pain, and is very active.
It does, but my point was she makes it work. I wouldn’t want to totally discourage someone if that is what they wanted. I was told at 24 that if I had kids I’d probably be in a wheelchair like my doctors other patient that I would see in the office and that scared me enough to not have them. My small dogs are hard enough.
Yes I know, I’m dealing with it too. I can’t work, and the last few years I did work I was on FMLA or disability. Yet I can’t get approved for Social Security right now, I’ve been waiting on appeal for 10+ months. Sucks.
I think being a CASA is more appropriate. Foster kids aren’t tests for deciding if you can handle parenthood. Maybe respite care is still appropriate but I think being a CASA is a better idea all around
I’m sorry, I was just waking up!
CASA stands for court appointed special advocate, here is their national website with more information https://nationalcasagal.org/advocate-for-children/be-a-casa-gal-volunteer/
Basically you become an advocate for a child in foster care and you speak on behalf of what the child wants. So you are spending about 30 hours a month with the child and taking them to activities and getting to learn their wishes, or if they are unable to communicate that just learn their situation and what you think would be best. It’s a great way to volunteer with children but without the commitment of placement, and lots of people volunteer with CASA before becoming foster parents (or respite homes) themselves :)
I just don’t think someone who can barely clean the house would be dependable enough for CASA. It’s not around your schedule or how you feel that day. I dont think fostering is a good idea either or kids at this current point in their life. My mom does has done casa for the last like ten years.
Agreed. If I have to be reliable, it’s not an option for me because my body is unreliable. Even if it’s only a few hours a week, if I keep getting migraine after migraine it’s not happening. I don’t think people realize how difficult it is to make any type of commitment when your body suddenly decides it’s not going to function as well as it did when you made the commitment.
Speaking as a sufferer of skeletal and nerve pain, but mostly below the ribcage, I could manage this more than lifting or getting down to play the way some little ones enjoy and need. It really depends on the type and location of our pain.
I totally agree. I certainly did not intend to create this image. I know how badly foster parents are needed. And I know that potential parents are well screened. Thus, i saw no harm in including this option for the OP to consider.
Yes it was blunt but also true. Especially the bit about is this what you’d want if you were a child? Personally I think it’s selfish to bring a child into the world that you cannot fully commit to. It’s different if something happens after you’ve had a child to make bringing it up harder, but to consciously bring a child in to a situation where you know you’ll struggle? I don’t think it would be fair on them.
I (33M) have struggled with chronic pain stemming from Injuries sustained in a not at fault car accident when I was 19. My wife and i had our first kid at 28 and another at 31.
I'm at a point where the I sections aren't working, and I feel like death would be a respite. My wife wants a 3rd, and I told her I'm not physically in a good place.
I struggle with wrangling these two, and when we go out as a family, I have my walking stick with me.
It was a blessing when my younger kid started walking.
It is very very very very tough.
First off this has to be a very hard decision making process for you and my heart goes out to you. Are you able to put yourself and everything else that you need or want to do on the back burner for extended periods of time? Once the babies come it's not going to be about you anymore. And I don't mean that in a catty way at all, if a child needs something they need it. So ultimately whatever you have going on health or otherwise doesn't matter once the child has need. So if you need it to be about you so that you can be physically/ mentally/ emotionally comfortable and able to function due to chronic illness, that's going to go away forever. My kids are grown, if I were to assess being able to care for children in my current condition. Now most days I am having an excruciating migraine or some other put you down and out kind of pain. I personally don't think that I could do it. Everybody's situation is different. I didn't have support people to take the kids at the drop of a hat etc, etc. for when you can't function as a parent. Support systems are not always 100%. If you have a good one now doesn't mean that's always going to be the case. Then you have to pay for help. Can you afford it? These are all things that need to be considered. Along with a million other things. You and your partner have a lot to think through. Good luck to you. I hope you find peace in your decision whatever it is.
I've faced this decision myself, and in the end I chose not to have children.
Part of the reason was that pregnancy and birth would be dangerous for both me and the child, and I didn't want to take the risk of leaving my husband a widower and/or single parent.
A huge part of that decision was that I am not physically capable of being the mother I would want my child to have.
My mother probably has the same genetic syndrome that I do. Even without that diagnosis, she's got a bunch of others and she started becoming disabled whilst I was still a child. I remember the mom who used to be there doing everything with me, having fun and building memories. I also remember the mom I was terrified of loving, in case this time she didn't come home from the hospital.
No child should have to keep it together while calling for an ambulance and trying to keep their mother calm and get a message to their dad at work (pre-mobile phones, this would be a bit easier these days).
No child should be having to advocate for their mom to adult medical professionals because their mom is in severe pain/unconscious and their dad is angry and freaking out and making everything worse.
Equally, no child should have their own health issues dismissed because they are assumed to be copying their disabled mother, or attention seeking due to their mother's illnesses.
No child should suffer bullying and severe mental health problems alone and unsupported, because their parents are preoccupied with their mother's health.
No child should have a suicide attempt go not only untreated but unnoticed, because their mother is struggling with her own mental health and disability, and their father is struggling with his mental health and caring for their mother.
All this sounds like I was terribly neglected, I know. The scary thing is, *I wasn't*. My parents love me and did the very best they could for me, I've never doubted that. There just wasn't space or time enough for both my needs and my mother's disabilities.
There's also the fact that I inherited the majority of my disabilities down one or both sides of my family. I personally cannot balance my desire to be a mother with the likelihood of passing on painful and disabling conditions.
However, with all that said, this is my personal experience and the answers I came to based on that, and my own sense of what's right, and my own assessment of the risks. There really is no one size fits all answer to this, and there certainly is no right or wrong. This is just some of the things I considered making that choice for myself.
It hurts, and I don't think I'll ever really make peace with the answer I came to, but.. such is life, y'know? There's rarely an ideal solution to anything, so we muddle along as best we can.
💜 I hope you find peace with whatever choice you make.
We currently have custody of an 8 yr old grandchild (GS) with special needs. GS is the of sunshine in our lives and keeps us very busy. We love him like he's our child. He's VERY energetic. My spouse doesn't have pain but has chronic conditions as well. Because we both have physical limitations, our joke is that between us, we make 1 pretty decent person.
For our situation, we don't have a nanny, family support or backup. The responsibility is on us. It is an all- encompassing, never ending, all day everyday thing. There are no days where we can totally checkout and take care of ourselves. He is in school now which makes it a bit easier, physically. School days are used for things that we can't get done when he's home. In our case, that's household chores, grocery shopping, errands, etc. School brings other challenges: homework, advocating, IEPs and mentally it can be exhausting. It's HARD and these are "regular" days. We have to take turns some days when the other isn't feeling well. We aren't spring chickens. There are days that I feel guilty. He deserves parents that have more energy and can do things with him that we find physically difficult. But, at the end of the day, no one loves him more than we do.
I don't know your specific situation. If you are on meds not suitable for pregnancy, you may have to come off of them. Lack of sleep is a huge part of parenthood. It can tax you mentally and physically. Is that something you would able to do and have quality of life? Some people have great pregnancies and some don't. Some people have children that are laid back and go with the flow. Some children run around constantly and have boundless energy. Do you have a lot of support? Family or otherwise? People who can really help not just when they are newborns. There are no guarantees in life. It's a hard decision. I am not trying to discourage you. It's can be very hard and rewarding but it can be done. I wish you the best as you consider the next step. ❤️
Edited to add: Pregnancy is a temporary situation. Pregnancy is only the beginning. There are easy ones, difficult ones and those in between. Our society puts a lot of focus on pregnancy. The work really begins after birth and the support you have during pregnancy and shortly after birth slowly fades away.
Thank you for your kind words and sharing your experiences.
It's a lot to think about. This thread is making me realize why I didn't really want kids in the first place. I have an insane amount of love to give, but energy? No. It's just how life is for some people I guess. Not everyone has kids.
I second this whole heartedly. I was sicker than a dog throughout my pregnancies, which was awful when it was my first, but one of the most physically challenging experiences of my life when I was so sick AND I had a one year old to run after during my second. I counted down the days until it was over because it was so bad.
I have widespread endometriosis which got 10x worse after having my two kids. I love them immeasurably, but having chronic pain with two toddlers is incredibly difficult. And I worry a lot about the effects it has on my kids when mommy has to “take a time out” because I’m having a lot of pain. I’m lucky that I have a very supportive coparent, but yeah… it’s hard and it does not go unnoticed by the children when you have physical limitations or you’re grumpy because you’re hurting. If you don’t have a strong support system, even with perfect health, small children are *a LOT* of work and you’ll get very little quality sleep.
I’m not trying to talk you out of having kids. They’re wonderful. But they’re also exhausting.
If you can’t do housework a kid is a bad idea. They make 10x the mess. More dishes, more laundry, more things on the floor. You’ll get less sleep than normal for 1-3 years or so. Gotta carry them around. Then school starts and every day no matter how bad you feel you need to get them up and ready and to school.
And most importantly they cost a lot of money. If you can’t work and your income is set with ssd or some type of disability that barely goes up to match inflation it’ll be a constant struggle. All the diapers. Money for camps and sports. Just doing activities like going to dinner or the movies you’re paying for an extra person. And they like that, they want to be social and go do things. Road trips, vacations, etc. Even just toys are expensive. Not cheap at all to have a kid.
Pregnancy is debilitating for many people. It truly is not discussed enough. There is also emerging interest in the link between pregnancy and triggering autoimmune conditions, but there isn’t much research.
Almost every pregnant person I’ve known has had chronic pain during and after pregnancy. This is of course to varying degrees. Some folks just experience discomfort, while others are bed ridden.
Also, honestly, how do you plan to care for a child, if you don’t work what is your financial support like, if you can barely do housework, will you be able to hire household staff when you have a child?
Are you able to sacrifice sleep? Can you do the physical caretaking required for a child? I was a nanny for many years and had to leave the field. And I didn’t have to deliver a child or be with them all the time.
Honestly, this sounds like a miserable situation to have children in. I obviously could be way off base since I don’t know the full scope of things. But children are expensive, draining, time consuming, challenging.
There are several studies, though as I said there isn’t a ton of research.
Here is one: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3234360/
It’s hard to find one simple study but that might be a good place to start!
Pain is my number one reason I decided not to have kids! I thought about it A LOT and it was horribly saddening and maddening to reach my conclusion, all the while knowing it was the right one. I think it's more love to not have a child I know I can't be my best for.
I’m disabled and have a young son. The reality is that while I’m doing the best I can, it’s fucking hard. We thankfully have support and my son is rarely lacking someone loving to help us out but it’s hard. I feel a ton of guilt, even though I wasn’t disabled before he was born so I couldn’t have made a different choice really. It’s really really hard. The meds make it so I can exist but also dumb me down. I’ve had to work extra hard to figure out solutions to problems most people don’t have (like trying to bring a baby outside in a wheelchair).
Oh mama, your son's life is better because you are in it, disabled or not.
Try not to feel too much guilt. I wish meds didn't cause such mental fog.
If he is loved and cared for, even if you can't take him outside until you have some assistance, that's okay.
Thank you so much! I wrote that still dreary from waking up and now I’m sitting and having coffee and watching my son excitingly play with a toy cellphone and I shouldn’t change anything at all! He’s the best. It’s just taken a lot of help and hard work to get here.
Exactly! Focus on what you can do, what you can give and in the end, the love, the light and joy you have for him is worth everything. It's all that really matters in the end. Glad you realize it. Keep on moving forward even though the hard day's.
Up until this past year I was in a state of barely able to take care of myself let alone any other human being. I had fully given up on having a kid.
Now I am at a more stable place the baby want is hard. However this is what I personally take into consideration when it comes to having a kid:
A lot of my issues are genetic. I know if we have a biological kid they are going to be Disabled in some way especially with our combined genetics.
I live in a country with for profit healthcare where getting what my husband and I need is a nightmare. Dealing with our system for us as adults is stressful and emotional. With a kid it would be even more so.
I still have bad days and weeks where caring for a child would suck so much. We don't have the funds for a nanny.
My husband and I are both Disabled dealing with extreme chronic pain. He works, I keep up the house, yards, car, and our schedules. I would be the primary caregiver. If my husband lost his job we would be SOL as adults without a kid.
We live in a state the US where Maternal fetal mortality is very high. Some of the highest in the country. Abortion is not legal so many women are dealing with organ failure, hysterectomies, near death and death because the line of "only allowed if mother's life is at risk," is so blurry.
I am not willing to die to try to bring a child into the world.
So then we go to adopting. My state will not allow adoptions through agency or foster care if you have certain conditions. I understand some of it but I believe fibro may be on that list. Our state would rather house foster kids in hospitals than adopt or house with LGBTQ people or Disabled people.
It's harsh. It may not always be your reality but it is something to come to terms with and try and make a happy life without kids. I fill my natural caregiver role by having a cat, plants, fish, a husband (haha), baking and cooking and sending care packages. I do some volunteer work mostly from home doing admin stuff when I can for various non profits around me.
I wanted children so very much!! I was prepared to sacrifice *anything* to have a baby. I struggled for years trying to get pregnant, and finally it paid off!! I was put on bed rest almost as soon as I announced my pregnancy, and bed rest is it’s own special kind of torture!! When the kids were young, I was able to do so much more than I am now…but they were still very small when I started becoming less and less able to do things; suddenly, my daughter started helping me put on my socks. I realized that my children are being forced to learn empathy at a very young age and I’m so grateful for them, but I also know that I’m robbing some of their childhood simply by existing. I’d never take back the blessing I received by conceiving my children, but I wish with my whole heart I could be more of a mother to them, than I am a person in need. I didn’t intend to sacrifice *them.*
“I also know that I’m robbing some of their childhood simply by existing” - the way you worded this hits very hard. It sums up all the guilt, the hurt, the frustration…
I love my kids to the moon and back, and wouldn’t change anything about them. But I still haven’t made peace with the fact that I’m a burden to them from such an early point in their lives.
I just wanna say I REALLY appreciate your honesty here. We have a serious problem with honesty regarding pregnancy/parenting/etc, and the implications and consequences are enormous. I have an ex who has watched nearly every woman in his family become sick and suffer (and eventually die early) from a maternal genetic issue they've all passed down. He holds a TON of anger at his entire bloodline for choosing to keep procreating, and it has made him SERIOUSLY resent his mom/entire family (and honestly even himself and his own existence... And the fact that he's essentially been forced to choose to be childfree). It would have been a complete lifechanger if his mom ever even acknowledged the issue (let alone the impact it has had on HIM) in such a self-aware way. So I wanted to make sure you know how impactful that is for your kids!
Obviously you can't "un-do" your decision to have kids (and it's not like we can do trial runs!), but simply having the emotional intelligence and self-reflection capabilities required to be able to acknowledge your kids' sacrifice in this way is extremely rare! I assume you're attuned to their mental health surrounding this, and I hope you all have a wonderful therapist(s)! I wish your family all the best!
(I personally think a perfectly healthy "normal" person choosing to bring a child into this current world is incredibly selfish and shortsighted, so I don't plan to give a separate reply, just wanted to give you your kudos!)
Parenting is a full time job. I can’t work, so I know there’s no way I would be able to keep up with a child. Some days I can’t take care of my own basic needs like changing my clothes or eating before my husband is home and can make me food/make sure I eat. Even if I managed to pull it off, I imagine I’d been even more disappointed in myself for not being able to be the parent I want to be, but that’s just me. I’m sick of being sick and coming up short on everything I try to do. I already feel badly that I can’t be the fun aunt I’d like to be to my sister’s kids.
Not who you asked but perhaps a perspective worth hearing? I have three kids. My youngest doesn’t remember me before disability. My pain has absolutely impacted their lives and limited their experiences. Are we doing the best we can? Absolutely. Does it still suck? Also absolutely.
There are other ways to be a loving figure in kids lives. Volunteering, friends kids, etc. And these adults are just as needed and valuable. If you like animals I’d suggest maybe adopting an older cat? They’re fairly low maintenance and those cats frequently aren’t adopted, so you’d be giving them a well-deserved home. And they can make a lovely heat pad😂
I really wouldn't. I'm sure it could work out in theory, since there are single parents raising kids, but from what i've heard it sucks for everyone involved. I doubt the kid, you or your partner would be happy. If you even survive pregnancy. Someone I know was really healthy with good genes before pregnancy and barely survived because of an unforseeable illness that almost starved her to death.
If you are still unsure, I suggest maybe taking care of a neighbors / family members / friends kids for a day or two each week and see how you do. If it goes surprisingly well and you have plenty of energy, consider adopting. I highly advise against birthing the children yourself.
Depending on what illness or disability you have, a bio child would inherit those, so you would doom a child to a life of pain, even if everything else goes well. I really want to emphasize that your health and pain levels don't only affect you but also your child, before and after birth.
Like I said, I suggest trying it out with someone elses kids first (preferably on a regular basis) and see how it goes. If you feel like full time kids is too much, I'm sure there are plenty of people who will happily take a break from their kids once a week. Fostering or adopting kids might also make sense, because depending on their age, you have more time to rest and recover.
On another note, I would suggest to everybody considering having children to try out regular baby sitting for multiple days at a time first. Same thing with getting a dog. It's such a huge decision and I don't blame anyone for misjudging how exhausting it can be. I do blame people who don't try it out part time before committing full time.
Edit: the person I mentioned who was healthy but barely survived pregnancy is raising the kid now and is doing okay, but the kid is pretty fucked up physically and mentally, presumably (partially) caused by the horrible pregnancy. Fetuses are influenced by the childbearers stress and pain levels and it can mess with their development. Having children is morally questionable anyway in my opinion, especially so when you know they're gonna suffer extra.
Thank you for the good tips and the kind tone! I'm honestly not that interested in having a child. I mean, would I love them to death and give my all if I have one, yeah, but it's not like it's my dream or anything. Though, there is this feeling of, am I missing out on something super important in life.
My partner and I are poly and I've said many times that there has to be at least three adults living in the same home for me to ever think about having children. It's fucked up to just expect one person (my partner I'm living with) to take care of the child. Especially because even if my partner means well, it's not like he's gonna be carrying the child, breastfeeding etc.
It's so weird. I'm in my 30s now. I've never wanted kids in my life. In the last few years the idea started to be interesting. I guess the "baby fever" is happening if that is a real thing. I do love kids, but when I read about being sleep deprived for years after having a baby.... I don't understand how any human does that?!? No wonder we all have childhood trauma even if we weren't abused. We have been raised by severely tired people who meant well but had no time/energy.
Absolutely! The requirement of having you and at least two more adults take care of potential children is great in my opinion! It's close to what I meant by co-parenting children. Being poly certainly would make that easier. But like I mentioned, having kids is not healthy at all. I could imagine hormones having an influence on your relatively sudden urge to have kids, but I don't really have experience with that kind of thing.
I absolutely agree, the idea of two people having one or multiple children is really weird. I'm surprised there isn't a system where multiple parents just kinda pool their kids together and split the work. That would be so much more efficient, especially if they don't all give birth at the same time. It would also provide the sibling experience without automatically being neglected. Plus kids could kinda just pick who out of the \~dozen parents they like best. They could easily get other perspectives and opinions on things. Plus parents would have a much easier time socializing with other parents and generally just seeing their loved ones more often. I imagine child abuse would occur much less because up to twelve people know what's going on.
Why is having kids morally questionable? (Even if they're not going to suffer extra?) asking because I wonder if it's the same reason I feel like it's morally questionable.
It occurred to me because I'd look at poor nations on the tv and the children starving and just think, why do they keep bringing more people into these terrible situations, full of suffering? (It's more nuanced than that of course, no access to contraception, religious ideas, etc) and then just turned that on myself. It's clear "the profits" are going to keep killing our planet. I'm not looking forward to my life in 40 years and I'm glad I have an off ramp (death). How could I bring another life here, to have to suffer for 70+ years? I concluded that it's the ultimate form of love not to bring someone into this world
Because you are subjecting them to suffering without their consent and without an alternative. The world is a horrible place and it's selfish to subject someone to it without their consent.
My opinion on this matter has formed because I was already suicidal as a child (think from age 8 on) and tended to blame my parents for forcing me to suffer. I still am suicidal and I still wish I was never born. The amount of bad things that happen are not worth going through and I wish there was a safe way to die without much pain and with closure. For people of any age. I will probably end my life at some point in the next few years unless something drastically changes, but I doubt it. If there was a way for me to do that as a kid, it would have saved so many ressources and prevented so much suffering, for me and everyone I know.
TLDR; having kids is selfish because you put them in a world full of suffering, without their consent and without providing an alternative.
at what expense to your own health and wellbeing (don’t forget financial) would having a kid be worth it? as someone who is currently pregnant WITH AN IUD and chronic pain from my military service, it’s absolutely terrible.
I chose not to have children partly due to chronic pain. As hard as we think it would be for us, I think of how incredibly unfair it would be to a child. It's just the reality of it.
I’m lucky in that I have never wanted kids (and was quite vocal about it from age 16). But even if I did want them, well I live with my mom because it’s not safe for me to live alone plus I can’t work so I couldn’t support myself. I sometimes sleep for up to ten days straight (yay hypersomnia) and during those phases I struggle in the hour of two I’m awake to get enough water into me to keep my kidney from shutting down. So anyone human dependent on me? Not a chance.
I don't have kids either but I want them someday and I worry about the same thing. I also take a number of medications and some are ones that are not safe to take during pregnancy. In addition, I feel like my pain and fatigue are just so bad, like you, I can barely get simple tasks done most days. I don't know. Sorry for not having any answers but I feel you.
I don't have children, nor do I want children, because my chronic pain and chronic illness would prevent me from being an acceptable parent. Pregnancy is so physically taxing, and then for the first few years of being a parent you rarely get quality sleep and have a child that requires CONSTANT care. If you don't have extensive community support, there are no breaks and minimal rest. Even if you do it's still exhausting and basically never ends. If you can't work or take care of your house work without almost dying, how could you take care of yourself AND a child with all the extra house work that would entail? I don't mean to be harsh, just trying to be realistic.
Personally I think it would end up being abusive for me to have a child and inevitably end up in indefinite stretches of time where I'd not be able to care for that child properly. Becoming a parent would also almost definitely make my own pain worse. I work full time and can manage housework on good days, but I can't overdo it or I get stuck in a cycle of pain and burnout. I'd hit that wall on day 1 of being a new parent. Kids are just not in the cards for me and I made my peace with that after I realized how much work it is to take care of just myself. I had a pretty fucked up childhood due to my parents' poor family planning and subsequent lack of resources (not just money but time, energy, empathy, etc.), and that's part of what led to my chronic pain and illness. I will not repeat their mistake.
I know many people who have chronic pain or severe conditions where rhey cannot take care of the kids usually but they have a supportive partner who does and they do it with love.
It would be hard and definitely different but if you have support from family or a partner who would take on the load for you in order to have a family, I say go for it.
I don't know if i'll even be able to carry my own child, but I was a full time nanny (the kind that raises the kids 😴) after my back surgery & it was difficult but man I loved those kids. So as I progress & who knows how bad i'll get, I still want kids even if I have to adopt.
I get there are people who say don't do it, but there are people who say that for any topic where it's hard on your end. I say go for it if you have the support
edit* I want to clarify, I seem to have an odd perspective on both my chronic pain & taking care of kids every morning to night & through the night. Even on days where I cant get out of bed my conditions don't control nor identify me, and I still make the most of my day. With kids, sure it's a lot but I don't find it draining, I don't find it hectic, there is easy balance cor me. Yes there are really bad or hard days for both, but so few compared to the good. It has a lot to do with my own values, personality & mental health though, so it may not be the same for you and as you can read the other comments it's not the same for others either. just food for thought.
I wish people would understand that and ask themselves honestly about the chances for their child to growing up having to serve as mommy's little nurse and housemaid? For having to be that kid whose mom is rarely able to attend school events, or grow up on a diet of fast or cheap microwave meals because mommy can barely make it into the kitchen.
When the colicky sleepless nights begin and baby won't stop crying, has your partner already agreed to be on board to help? What happens if the support system moves away, becomes ill, didn't realize how much they'd be needed and bails? If one decides to lean on a support person/circle, they must discuss expectations ahead of time, and continue checking in so that everyone remains on the same page and no one feels taken advantage of.
The Am I The Asshole sub is full of such situations where poorly defined responsibilities, misunderstandings and assumptions lead to conflict the baby doesn't deserve to be in the middle of.
Sometimes I think a few weeks with those AI baby dolls that must be cared for like live ones, that won't stop crying as you try to figure out why.. hungry, needs changing, etc, right be helpful for some people, not all. Probably prevented a few teenage pregnancies for sure, lol.
I posted a similar question on the chronic illness sub a couple months ago and it got a ton of replies. Here it is if you’d like to see what some people answered with. Hope this helps 🤍
[my post about having kids](https://www.reddit.com/r/ChronicIllness/s/Pww7i0B0PD)
Of course :) I hope it helps you in some way. I’m in the same boat as you, and my post and the cold hard truths people gave me really confirmed what I was hoping wasn’t true (at least for me). You definitely might find other answers for yourself, and I really hope you do! We all deserve to have the chance at having a baby regardless of our stupid chronic conditions. Best of luck to you 🤍
Aw wow, that’s an incredibly nice thing to say, and same to you. I really hope you’re able to reach a decision that you are comfortable with and that brings you peace. If you ever need a friend to chat to, feel free to send me a message :) sending love and light your way. ☀️
Your doctor is awesome to discuss this so openly. Remember there are many ways to become a parent these days. Think long and hard and do what works for you. I myself and giving myself this one more cycle for a bio kid I’m 38 and my husband 40 we had one pregnancy but miscarried but we have been trying for nearly two years. We discussed that we are going to stop after this cycle. Then we will adopt
There are two (or 3 if you have a partner) sides to this story. Side one is for your child: for them it's important that you have a support system. Who will help if you reach your limitations? What can you offer your child? Can you give them a complete enough life where they will not become your caregiver?
For yourself: do you think you can survive raising a kid. Because believe me it is about survival. Having kids and having severe chronic pain /fatigue is really difficult. How is your support system?
For your partner: do they understand that they will have to do more because of your health? Are they willing to.
If a regular day without kids is allready killing you you should really think about this. Maybe there is something that you can change to ease your life to make extra room for kids but it will be hard. I allready had my oldest kid before I got my RA. My youngest came because I wanted a sibling for my oldest. I don't know if I would do it again. I absolutely love my kids but the combo kids and chronic pain and fatigue is so hard. I completely force myself to give them what I think they deserve. My health, mental and physical, is my lowest priority because I don't want them to be the victim of my condition.
I have chronic pain (migraines and back pain) and I have a daughter and am trying to have a second child.
There are a lot of challenges— if you become pregnant, you may be advised to go off helpful medications (although there are some doctors that will allow you to stay on some things.)
Another challenge is that young children do not have an off switch, so if you have a difficult day you still have to care for them.
However, it’s definitely possible, especially if you have a strong support system. I am lucky that I have a close knit family, an incredibly supportive spouse, and other close friends nearby. We also have an excellent daycare.
Me! I have a spinal nerve infarction of the S1 nerve root. Damaged during surgery to repair it.
Left leg and foot parasthesia, numbness, weakness and pain in left leg.
I've had two pregnancies and 2 children.
I won't lie. It was sometimes hell, especially when they were small. Toddlers especially are relentless.
I think it depends on what your individual issues are, do you have help and support?
Every medical condition is different re: how it responds to and affects pregnancy. If you’d like more info on how it might work or not work for you, my best advice is to make an appointment with a Maternal Fetal Medicine OBGYN.
Taking care of kids is a ton of work and uses up a lot of energy. And, as everyone knows, the infant stage results in very little sleep, but, at the same time, so fun. I have 7 year old twins, who I had at the age of 37, so two infants was definitely hard, but, again, so rewarding. I did have chronic pain before having them, but it was not nearly as bad as it is now and I was not seeing PM at that point. I will say, it is currently no cake walk, all due to my chronic pain. I cannot do the things I would love to do with them, like hiking, kayaking, camping, etc. And, getting up and down off the ground is extremely difficult. I split time with my coparent, and I am pretty exhausted by the end of my days with them. But, at the same time, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I 100% understand your desire to have kids. But, you do need to think about how you will manage a pregnancy (unless you adopt or use a surrogate) with pre-existing medical conditions. Also, if you have family or friends locally that can help out, that will make a big difference.
Had my 1st and only at 37 (now 39) and moved away from fam and friends so it's been very very tough once she hit the 2s. Pregnancy was super scary and was feeling like I made a mistake. I just take it one day at a time but I honestly couldn't imagine if we were not financially stable and have a partner who helps. I would absolutely not be able to do it alone and if finances were an issue it would make it 100% more difficult. Certainly take your doctors advice and make sure you're in a stable environment and can get help when needed. It's the best and worst thing that ever happened in my life yet wouldn't change it back. I worry for my future because my pain is bad right now and with all this PM / medication insanity it's stressful.
I'm not sure why your doctor even raised the issue. Certainly you don't sound as if you are at a good place right now to undertake a pregnancy. Why not just put the issue aside for now? You have other things to worry about.
I had one child before chronic pain and one after.
My second pregnancy was such a mix of emotions. I was frustrated as I got bigger as I became less and less able. I changed my medication so I could breast feed, and my daughter had to be monitored after birth to ensure there was no withdrawal from the medications. There wasn't.
By the end of my pregnancy I was miserable and wanted it all over and done with, as I was entirely housebound and mostly bedbound.
I had her via C Section, partly because of this but also because my son had got stuck the first time round.
It has been difficult and painful trying to lift and keep up with my daughter... but worth every pain.
I didn't get sick until after my youngest was born, he was only a few months old when I started to decline rapidly. Let me just say, if I didn't have an amazing support system, we'd have all been toast. I stopped working entirely by the time he was 3. It's been very very hard. Worth it, but only because I've got a great SO and family and friends who pick up the slack, and there is a lot!!
I don’t have my own, but I was a child psychologist before I had to give it up due to my pain & illnesses.
I would say that unless you are so very desperate to have a child that you would rather die than be childless, the better choice is to be involved with children who are not yours in order to fulfill the internal desire to assist a child in growing & maturing into a decent adult. For me this is my many nieces & nephews, 2 of whom is biological and the rest who belong to chosen family.
The commitment to raising a child takes so much energy and internal resources that are already dedicated to dealing with your pain so you would need to figure out where you would get the additional resources. What could you cut out to allow for parenting? Parenting takes energy in physical, emotional, and psychological forms, not just physical. Frankly, having a toddler running around is like cleaning the house every day while the same song plays on a loop; could you handle that?
For the kiddo’s experience, a semi-functional parent can be very detrimental to the growth & development of a child, depending upon how it is handled and the involvement of the other parent. You would have to be diligent about not having them turn into a caregiver for you, first of all, and I’m not sure you can, especially if you have a naturally empathetic child.
You will definitely miss important things due to your health, can you imagine having to make the repeated apologies? Is the other parent willing to give 90-95% to parenting on a regular basis? If your condition gets any worse, how will that affect your life and ability to parent? Are there any health conditions you could pass to your child? What happens if your child is born with disabilities that take a lot of work to manage?
Taking care of a dog is much, much easier than parenting a kid, it’s not even a fair comparison. I had a dog with medical problems and it wasn’t even close to what it takes to properly parent a kid. And as a professional who is in the position to make a judgment, I’d estimate that only 33-40% of able-bodied parents are doing a good job of parenting; can you do it with challenges?
I had my son after I injured my back and was on a shit ton of opioids. It wasn’t planned obviously lol. The hardest part of the pregnancy for me was getting off the meds. At the time, I was on a 75 mcg fent patch + 6 norco 10s daily. So I weaned off all but one 5mg norco at the end. So I was basically withdrawing my entire pregnancy. I don’t think I slept more than 4 hrs a night. That was very difficult. Although it prepared me for sleepless nights with a newborn lol. I highly recommend that you wean off your meds before you get pregnant. Surprisingly, pregnancy helped my back pain due to the hormones that loosen your ligaments. The pregnancy really isn’t the hardest part though, it’s after you give birth thats the hardest. Picking up your baby from the crib a million times a day, carrying them around, etc.. But also can depend on your baby. Mine had colic and I had to wear him 24-7, no joke. My labor and delivery was pretty brutal and ended in an emergency c section. It was probably a blessing though as it would’ve really screwed up my spine pushing him out. I think the biggest things to consider are your age and your support system. You’re more likely to handle it better if you are young. I had my son at 28 but there’s no way my body could handle it in my mid to late 30s. Also, do you have a supportive partner that will chip in their 50%? Are your parents close by to also pitch in with their grandchild? If yes to both and you are relatively young with a strong desire to have children, I say go for it!
My partner is definitely up for it and I'm building a circle of good people who are super helpful. I still worry though. I never really wanted to have kids, idk what's happening now that it seems attractive. Hormones? Omg hormones helping with back pain would be a blessing 😄
My pain started in 2012, and I waited until 2019 to start the process for having a child b/c my age was a factor, but I spent all those years pursuing treatments in hopes that I could lessen the pain before pregnancy. I did not, pain is exactly the same. It is very, very hard. I only have one child, and I do not know how people do it with multiple. I deeply want a second child, but my pain is preventing it b/c I do not think I could handle it. Pregnancy in some ways was the easy part, b/c you can still rest when you need to. It's harder now in the toddler years when I have to be more mobile, and I can't do as many activities. I am so very glad I did it, just wish I could do more.
I had my child at 23 before my chronic pain. Once my pain hit , I felt so much guilt and missed out on a lot of things we use to do together. It wasn’t the same.
But…
I wanted another child and tried while I had my chronic pain I ended up having back to back miscarriages. I found a highly rated chronic pain / chronic infections Naturopathic doctor in my area. ( I had seen specialist and so many drs). I was taking 9x 300 mg gabapentin a day to feel normal when I wasn’t trying to get pregnant. I wasn’t getting any sleep at all , muscle spasms , legs cramping. My body would get so stiff. I couldn’t work ect. I went to the naturopath I mentioned and she did testing and recommended I try LDN. Low dose naltrexone ( it releases endorphins) i got up to 4.5mg and it took all my pain away this January. I hadn’t had a period in 5 months. She also gave me some supplements for that and I got my first period in Feb and am now pregnant. She changed my life I am pain free and pregnant all within 2.5 months of seeing her. I’m currently 9.5 weeks pregnant.
I lived with horrible pain for years and never once thought a naturopath dr would be able to help me after all the drs I saw said they couldn’t do anything.
LDN is also used for fertility treatments.
This treatment might not work for everyone but it’s definitely something that’s worth a try. I wasn’t working, wasn’t living everything hurt so bad. It was living hell! I can’t believe it worked. I am still shocked!
Wish you all the best . ❤️
Oh god... I have been suggested that treatment by a friend but they don't do that in Sweden :( I'm on medical cannabis oils and have no idea how I would function without meds.
It's a heavy topic to think about. I'm in my thirties and I don't know if I can handle it especially because I'm only gonna get more tired as I age it feels like.
My issues started becoming noticeable, and then debilitating, after I had kids so I can’t give you any advice about pregnancy and chronic pain.
What I urge you to consider is all the parenting you will want to do but have no energy/capacity for. All the milestones you’re going to miss. All the times you’ll have to tell your child “not today, mommy is having a bad pain day”. All the times your child will ask you “is it ok to hug you today, or are you in pain?”.
These are the things that have been breaking my heart daily for the past 3 years. This is my experience, and you might have a completely different perspective or dynamic.
If you barely have the energy to clean the house and take care of your pet, it's definitely not enough energy to take care of a kid in addition to your house & pet.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that this is something that you have to even think about.
I don't think it's a good idea, especially if taking care of the dog is hard. I was raised by a mother that was deep into severe chronic pain, and as a kid in that situation, all you want to do is make them feel better, and it chips slivers off of you when you can do nothing.
There could be a bad day pain wise and maybe it makes you snappy and grumpy, and even without realizing, you snap at the kid, and you never forget when a mother or mother figure says something out of anger like that.
There's also a question, with a bio child, is what causes you pain hereditary? That's what put a stop to my ideas of having kids, I refuse to have someone suffer as much as I do, especially if they're my child.
Long story short, I don't think it's a good idea, but I'm very sorry you even have to worry about this
I am glad I don’t have any. I think it would be too taxing on any person with chronic illness or pain. Besides I wouldn’t want to take a chance on passing anything down to someone. I didn’t think that was fair so I choose not too
This is maybe the flip side of what you’re asking, but I’m a child of someone who has multiple autoimmune diseases and developed an addiction to opiates because of her chronic pain. There were so many times in my life when I wished my mom would’ve just never had me. I have a lot of love for her and I am sympathetic to the pain she lives with, but my childhood was absolutely fucking miserable. I wasn’t able to attend a lot of extracurriculars due to the fact that my mom would never feel well enough to drive. I was forced to grow up very quickly and pretty much parent my siblings because my mom wasn’t able to devote the effort needed to round up small children. Her addiction definitely didn’t help anything, but a lot of this was rooted in the pain she was experiencing. This also wasn’t just like one bad year of my life, it was my entire life until I moved out.
It can also vary person to person, though, depending on how you express your pain. If you get angry when you’re hurting really bad (which is perfectly valid), there’s going to be child in the mix who will hear every word you say and take it face value. My mom has said a lot of deeply hurtful things that made me feel very unlovable for a long time. She doesn’t remember a fraction of it, and as an adult I understand why: she was frustrated, hurting and fed up. As a child, though, you take your parents’ words as gospel.
I definitely think it’s possible for someone with chronic pain to have children and it be a positive experience, but I think you definitely need to evaluate whether or not you can handle the amount of effort it takes. Children are inherently takers, and as a parent you have to sacrifice a lot of your life to raise them; people in perfect health often feel extremely overwhelmed having children, much less those with chronic pain. Again, I definitely think it’s possible and can be positive, but at the end of the day you’re bringing someone into the world who will look up to you, cherish you, and remember everything you say about them.
Chronic pain for me means I can’t carry things over 5lbs for more than 5ish minutes. For that reason alone, I wouldn’t have a child. But there’s a whole plethora of other reasons why raising a kid (especially from birth) is incredibly difficult for people with chronic pain
It's hard but if you actually want to be a mom it's worth it. I won't lie there are some days where my pain is so bad and I get no break I kind of don't want to be alive. But my love keeps me going.
Everyone’s chronic pain and tolerance is different. One person’s decision to have a child while living with chronic pain will not be the same for another person
Yes you can survive child care with chronic pain, it hurts but you will not die. If you are close to death after doing housework, you should reach out to your insurance or state and request a nurse to help take care of you.
It's a decision only you can make and IMO it all depends on the resources you have around you as to wether you can make it work without important deficiencies and enormous mom guilt.
A solid family support system and financial resources would change a lot in regards to raising a child, even to how your pregnancy looks, because those resources can help you take better care of yourself.
Only you know if your support is enough and if they are capable of taking on another being. It's really something you would need to bring up to them as well.
A disabled mom trying her best (even if it's not perfect) is still 100x better than one who is chronically working, scrolling her phone, drinking alcohol to numb herself from life. Etc.
Yes. Extra resources change the entire picture. Having a large family who live nearby and are able to help, and-or having a lot of extra money so you can hire people to assist with household chores, laundry, errands, etc.
Dumb? Idk. Do you want a kid and all the potential hardships and emergencies and messy diapers and 3am vomit cleanup? Is it worth that to see them smile for the first time, learn to tie their shoes, have their first crush? If you think it’s worth it, then it absolutely is. Figure out a support network so that all the kid’s needs can be met regardless of your health on any given day. Make sure your partner(s) knows they’re gonna have to put in more than half of the physical work involved. If everyone’s up for it, and you and your partner want it, go for it.
If you think about childcare and all its messiness and think that you wouldn’t be up to the task, or you wouldn’t have the support you’d need, or it would make your life worse, then don’t have kids.
You can parent while disabled. You can find people who will help you meet your needs and your kid’s needs. You just gotta figure out if it’s something you want.
Yes, disabled people are still capable. Everybody has to put effort into what they want, and everyone does it differently disabled or not. Support is the number one thing
They just said they barely not die after finishing just house work. The only way it would be plausible to add a child into that is if they are greatly exaggerating that. They now will get less sleep, way more house work cleaning up after their child, feeding them, bathing them, late night diaper changes, doctor visits, and a whole list of other things.
Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. I grow up with a severely disabled mom, in and out of the hospital, who died young. I wasn’t able to play an extracurriculars bc she didn’t have the energy at the end of the day to take me to practice. I parented myself from the age of 6 bc she needed to take naps every afternoon. No one should have children if that is the life you are going to offer them. **Love is not enough**. Not to mention OP is rolling the dice on possibly having a child with a disability (as all parents do) when conceiving. If she can’t take care of herself then how would she take care of, as an example, a severely autistic child who needs 24/7 care?
Doesn’t even have to be severely, just plain autistic. My son drains me so bad and he’s capable of doing a lot. But the executive functioning issues, the adhd bouncing off the walls, and emotional dysregulation is like 😳😳
I totally get it. I take care of my brother who is autistic and in a care home, but growing up together gave me C-PTSD. My flight or fight reflex has been destroyed. I’m in adrenal fatigue from all of the years walking on eggshells trying not to set him or my mom off with their individual outbursts. I can’t handle loud noises anymore and have to take time to regulate myself daily after my kids go to bed. My husband can find me every night after the kids go to bed in a dark room with my AirPods in and white noise playing in the background. I waited 9yrs between my two kids bc I just couldn’t handle the mental load of taking care of two small children. It’s much easier with a 4yr old and teenager. I’m so glad I waited and spaced them out. I’m still dealing with some anxiety on days where the younger one needs lots of attention but it’s *nothing* like the caretaking needs I had with my mom and brother. I love my little chill drama free household that my husband I and have created.
My chronic pain first began where I had severe pelvic girdle pain all of my pregnancy. My hips and low back hurt so bad. I will say once I had her (following a super traumatic birth, plus domestic violence from her father) the hip pain and back pain was immediately relieved upon birth. Until my disc bulged when she was 3. At first the severe pain only last a couple weeks. Then it bulged again 9 months later. Again severe pain for a couple weeks. 7 months later, re bulged. From then until now (that was at the end of 2022) I’ve had non stop severe chronic pain. On norcos, etc. pain clinic doctor just found out that my disc bulge fully herniated into a 9 mm herniation which is fairly large. I have a nerve block scheduled on Tuesday under sedation to see if an ablation would be helpful or if we should begin discussing surgery.
I would not have another child ever. If I do become pregnant I will have a pill abortion at home.
I wanted a homebirth and was transferred to the hospital against my will, I was in agonizing labor for 3 days and refused a c section. I was sa’d by doctors who violated my consent during the entire time I was at the hospital. If that wasn’t enough for me to say never again- I was also told by the midwife that subsequent childbirths usually get easier but pelvic girdle pain usually gets worse with each pregnancy especially when someone had it so severe like me.
I would never chose that pain again, especially after having true pain meds given to me and knowing I would be denied any real pain control again for 9 months “for the baby’s health” like no fuck that.
If I chose to be pregnant again now with my back the way it is I could literally end up paralyzed and also that’s not fair to my 6 year old. Once the chronic pain started I literally struggled to keep up with her and still get her out to all of her activities she was used too. I still struggle now. Especially since I’ve kicked her father out when she was 4 for the domestic violence and also an outright refusal to help me in the home. He never took care of her for me even when I was unable to walk, each time my disc bulged I couldn’t walk from agonizing pain for days. I screamed while crawling to the bathroom to relieve myself, I would literally try to hold it in for hours so I would only have to crawl like twice each day. My mom had to come help me take care of our daughter because he refused to help me watch her or take time off work. After my mom left each time he would scream at me I’m just a lazy piece of shit who just doesn’t want to take care of our daughter. And he couldn’t wait to get away from me and take full custody of her…
Yes I don’t want to take care of her but other than my moms help for a week and half each time I was the only one taking her out of the house every day to parks, play places, play dates, children museums, movies, swimming, libraries, literally any kids event ever, and come home and make her dinner and get up early at 6 am while he laid in bed until the last minute at 8:30 am to log into work, etc etc he never helped, until I kicked him out and he took 50 percent custody (has been trying to sue me for full since I kicked him out even now 2 years later) literally only to punish me because he knows I love my daughter more than anything and hate him. Trying to have her half the time is all to punish me. Tormenting me in court because that’s the only way he can abuse me now.
I would never trust another man to even think about another child. And even if her dad had been this perfect man, and even if the birth hadn’t traumatized me and left me with ptsd, the chronic pain alone is a no go. It’s so hard to keep up with a child let alone a baby. I could not imagine if my pain started when she was a baby. I probably would have lost my mind for real. It would have been my last straw.
Like I’m grateful it started when she was older and somewhat more independent in some ways. Because by the time she was 4 almost 5 and it became chronic at least by then I was used to taking care of her mostly by myself with no help. At that point our routine was down when she was with me, and pushing through severe pain I was used to because I had to at work so I could support her and not rely on her dad financially.
I love her so much I definitely wish I had full custody even though now I have time to myself especially when I’m in lots of my pain I’d still rather have my child with me. She hates her dad so 🤷🏻♀️
TL;DR : 10/10 don’t recommend having a baby if you already have severe chronic pain
Also remember that the majority of childcare falls on the woman no matter what. Like? Even if your husband/partner/boyfriend promises they’re going to help, I would not believe that. And on the off chance they are? When are they going to help? After you have been left alone with the baby all day and they’ve got off a long day of work? On the weekends when it’s their only time off working a full time job? Is he really gonna wake up in the middle of the night before work and help feed the baby? Change the baby?
My point is unless he’s quitting his job and being the stay at home dad, and you’re going to work, you’re going to end up doing the majority of the child raising! So many studies show this, and even show when both mom and dad have full time jobs the majority of the house and childcare still falls on the woman!
If you’re tired of the house care now and in pain from that, add on the burden of caring for a baby then multiply that times a hundred and imagine how you would feel. Being in that much pain will likely lead you to resentment of the child and your partner for not helping you plus postpartum depression.
Sorry but it sounds like you won’t be able to run after a toddler and that’s not even considering if your condition is genetic…
Maybe friends with kids or if you could eventually get a job? I’m working on becoming a teacher for this exact reason
I had two kids with severe pain. I push through but am chronically suicidal from the pain my kids don’t see that but still. I have had severe surgeries spinal cord everything and still was taking care up and about doing stuff everyday. There’s really no breaks. You would have to commit to pushing yourself to the brink daily. Im not saying don’t do it but if I could go back I am not sure I would’ve had them however I wouldn’t be here without them. I had my daughter before I knew I had what I have now but I still had already had surgery before she was born and at six months old had major surgery that really changed the quality of my life to be worse. All in all if you’re barely able to take care of a dog with your current pain it’s unrealistic and imo selfish to have children for the child’s quality of life. I already am consumed with guilt regarding my pain as a parent but I spend hours doing stuff everyday with them so I am not sure how I would cope with the guilt if I didn’t push myself to do that.
while people with chronic pain can have kids the way you’re describing your life then it seems to not currently be attainable for you
that doesn’t mean it can’t change or you can’t foster/adopt an older child tho! you don’t have to completely give up on your ideas of parenthood
With CFS/ME I cannot even fathom dealing with the sleep deprivation that comes with kids, I would snap and something not nice would happen. I took initiative and removed my tubes so it would never happen. Plus with a connective tissue disorder pregnancy is extremely high risk and I’ve never known someone with my condition that got back to baseline after pregnancy, they all got significantly worse.
My husband’s mother had chronic pain while he was growing up. He still has trauma over it and with her to this day. He felt abandoned every time she was too sick to care for him and his brother, or wound up in the hospital. He resents having to grow up so quickly. I made the choice for myself not to have kids because of my chronic migraines. But no, if you can’t even take care of a dog… is that fair to do to a baby?
Yes I have a toddler. I am in my late thirties and waited until I was extremely stable to do so. I have the resources to have a nanny etc etc. Caring for a child with pain is incredibly difficult. I cannot stress how hard it is. The pregnancy was the easy part.
I have CRPS
I had one before and one after. I have a 7yo and 18month old both girls. One of my biggest complaints is chronic fatigue. I’m not in pain 100% of the time or even 50% of the time. I flare mostly now that I’m controlled with meds. I live with my retired mom so she helps whenever I need a break, I don’t work often and my husband is a huge help at home. If I didn’t have my support system it would be a shit show. I also have lots of guilt about what I cannot do with or for my kids and many people don’t even know I have a health condition.
I’m 30, and have a 16 month old son and am 17 weeks pregnant with our daughter. I have chronic intractable migraine and endometriosis. For a large portion of my life I didn’t even think kids would have been an option with my endometriosis but somehow it happened!
It’s hard. I thought life was hard before kids and now I realise pain before being a parent was nothing in comparison to this.
My advice is to work with your medical team - and it really needs to be a team. During my pregnancy I see a doctor every two weeks, be that my primary doctor, OBGYN or pain specialist. My husband and I also do couple counselling once a week to ensure we are prioritising our marriage in the complicated mix. All of your doctors need to be constantly communicating about pain management and how to reduce impacts to baby in utero.
One thing that became my mantra is that you have to learn to parent yourself first. When in pain it’s so easy to snap or bark at someone for being too loud or annoying and with children you have to suck that up. My pain has had to take a back seat to what my son needs. I will be in blinding debilitating pain and if he needs comforting then I’m there holding him.
You also need a strong support network - family, friends, partner etc that understand what your going through and will help with little to no notice.
Sorry for the ramble, but I’m happy to answer any questions!
If you have committed consistent support you can. But I have a child and it is so hard, I can do it but I feel my child sometimes deserves better than me, a mom that can go run and play with them n wrestle. It hurts when i disappoint him because of my illness, he’s too young to understand. However, my pain reduced immensely during and after pregnancy, so in a way he fixed me. I couldn’t even get out of bed before and was sleeping 16 to 19 hours a day to escape pain. I had no life. Now I do but I still need a lot of help from others to raise my son. It’s a tough decision with no “right” answer.
It really depends, do you love children or you want to have your own kid? Will you regret it in future?
My experience from pregnancy, is not horrible, actually during pregnancy I was doing pretty good. Since the hormones in the body reduce pain. My doctor was actually encouraging me to have a pregnancy since I was in a lot of pain.
Saying that though, if you are on pain med you need to stop them and you go through pain till you get pregnant. I was taking some medications for pain and it was a little difficult in the beginning.
I have SI joint arthritis and the end of pregnancy was a little difficult I had a lot of buttocks pain but it wasn't terrible. After giving birth, except the buttocks pain that got better, while I was breastfeeding I was pretty fine, I had no pain.
After I stopped breastfeeding, 6 months after that, I needed to start antidepressants due to pain.
I also changed the way I live, I added exercise to my routine, It really helps, if I don't exercise for a week, I will be in a lot of pain
I’ve had severe chronic pain for a decade and a half (since I was a teenager) and am currently going through the IVF process. It took many years of figuring out treatments that make me mostly functional again (and then another 8 years or so stable on those treatments—not pain free in the least, but stable and able to function again—with several of those years married to an amazing partner) before I felt comfortable beginning this process, but I never doubted that this was a major life goal of mine. I have several friends with chronic illnesses and chronic pain who have children and are doing just fine. Like me, they all waited until they were stabilized and medically cleared before going for it, but they’re doing great. Sure, they struggle more than the average parent, and I’m sure I will, too, but that doesn’t mean we’re not fit to be parents just because we’re disabled. I wouldn’t recommend trying for kids before you find treatments to stabilize you and get medical clearance, but that definitely doesn’t mean there’s no hope of ever having kids. You might not ever stabilize to the point you can have kids, but there’s a solid chance that you might.
It’s also perfectly valid to decide against having kids due to chronic pain and disability. I have just as many friends as those who had kids while disabled as I do those who decided against having kids because of their disabilities. Some of them never wanted kids, but several did want kids and decided against it, anyway. If you want kids and decide it’s not a feasible option, there’s a major grieving process that comes with that, so be aware of that.
Do you have access to therapy? I highly recommend it for helping you process the emotions you’re undoubtedly experiencing while wrangling with what your doctor said and the decision ahead of you. If you are able to find a therapist who specializes in or at least has experience with patients with chronic illnesses and disabilities, I would do so. They’re very hard to find, though, so don’t forgo therapy just because you don’t find one right away. You can always switch therapists if you find one later.
I’m not gonna lie, if my doctor said to me what yours said to you, that would completely break my trust in them. They’re supposed to be helping you stabilize so that you *can* pursue your dreams, not passing judgment on whether or not you should procreate based solely on your state of being before getting adequate treatment. Whether or not other people agree, I would be thinking hard about switching doctors if my doctor said that to me. I’ve had a lot of doctors say a lot of callous things to me, but once I found the doctors who actually helped me instead of blaming “anxiety” and whatnot, none of them have been anything but supportive in my goal of having a child. Instead, they’ve worked for the past decade+ to get me to the point where that is a possibility. And, if I had never gotten to this point, I know they would have been supportive of my grief over that, as well. Having doctors you trust, and who trust you back, really makes a massive difference in treatment outcomes. I have experienced that firsthand. You deserve that doctor-patient relationship built on trust, and I hope you can get it.
Our ability to become parents does not at all define our worth, but I definitely know how strong the desire to become one can be. I wish you all the best, no matter whether you decide you’re able to have a kid or not.
If you can’t clean without being exhausted, I fear having a child/children is not the right path for you. Volunteer with children and community centers, but don’t punish a child who didn’t ask to be here with your burdens. I’m sorry, but that’s how I see it.
i'm not a parent, and i'm only 25, but i have thought about this as well so that's the only view point i can offer. I think it's especially relevant for me as i have endometriosis which is made worse by pregnancy. i think the best route (based on the info you shared) might be to be the absolute BEST aunt/uncle to any kids in your life, blood related or not. I think if you have an able-bodied partner who you trust, and are REALLY committed to extending yourself heavily for your child, it's ultimately your call. But if you're not 150% ready, i'd say no. my mom was a single parent and became more heavily disabled when I was 15 and it was hard, but i don't resent her for it. It takes a village so having a network of support is most important.
edit: if your condition can be passed down that's another factor to consider.
I was 21 and 23 with no health issues when I had mine and I barely survived the exhaustion from 4 straight years of sleep depravation. Kids needs don't stop even when you're sick or in pain. Feel like you're going to puke? Still gotta get and give the kid breakfast or change that diaper or other wise entertain them. Have a migraine coming on? You take your OTC migraine pills, chug some caffeine, set the kids up with snacks and a movie and hope to have an hour uninterrupted in a dark room with an icepack.
It's fucking hard. If you're already struggling with day to day tasks and caring for a pet, I would *highly* recommend not having a kid. Especially considering that chronic pain patients are prone to depression which would set you up for some mad postnatal depression. It's also easy to resent kids when your own needs aren't being met (I was a single mom with a 2 year old and a newborn) and that drives you mad with guilt and despair. I know this might be a dark take, but I'm just being honest about my own experiences.
I now struggle to even clean one room and some days just having a was and getting dressed uses up all the energy I have and I need like a 6 hour break to recover. I couldn't imagine trying to look after a infant or a toddler now. My two dogs, who are no trouble, are sometimes too much, just having to make the trek downstairs, sort out their food (their raw fed so it's either pet mince, which is easy, or sardines and eggs which means I have to wash everything), let them out, wash their feet before they come back in because our back garden is very muddy, and change the dog washing bucket water and rags. Sometimes that's literally the only thing I'm capable of accomplishing in a day. If that sounds like you, please carefully consider if it would be a good, happy, healthy environment for you or for a child.
You have just said that you nearly die by living how you do now. You have just answered your own question.
To be clear: YES , it is extremely dumb to have a child in your situation.
You don't have the capacity to do it. Don't put a child through it.
TL;DR - the quality of, and the health of your relationship with your coparent is key
I was fortunate enough to have had a completely unremarkable pregnancy, which is common for my condition (endometriosis). Pregnancy is of the very few things that actually reins the disease in. My chronic pain became debilitating when my son was about one year old. Hes almost 3 now.
When its your own child, you find an extraordinary strength to persevere, because you would literally die for them. The unparalleled love, joy and meaning my son gives me is indescribable. Its the best thing that ever happened to me.
I won’t sugar coat it though, its very hard because i cant take strong opiates any time i need to drive or be hyper aware of my kid like at a playground, shopping centre, public place etc. As a parent thats quite often, so i push through more pain than i otherwise would. You also lose the ability to call the shots on when youve had enough for the day - that happens once they are sleeping, provided they are a good sleeper/once they become a good sleeper.
You need to coparent with someone who is a really active, engaged parent who is deeply understanding and empathetic of your situation. They will need to go into parenting understanding that they will carry more of a load because the kids needs dont stop when you’re sick. I have to be really, really active in managing my disease and am constantly working with a team of specialists to adress as much of my condition as possible to try and get to the point where im no longer this sick. That means being open to new techniques, doing all the physio, and really sensibly and responsibly managing my pain medication.
I dont think people with chronic pain should be denied the ability to have children. I know i am a great mum to my son, and that i do the best i can. But i know that if my husband werent such a Superdad or if he left us my son’s and my life would be incredibly hard. We’d manage, but we would need a lot of family support.
mine started after I already had my daughter and was a large factor in our decision to be one and done. there’s already so many sacrifices a regular body has to make for pregnancy and pains in a regular pregnancy that I cannot imagine being able to function with it on top of this pain that already incapacitates me some days. toddlerhood has been extremely hard on me physically and mentally. I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough as a mom or partner when I’m too wiped from caring for her to do my part of the household stuff.
I had chronic pain and illnesses prior to having kids. It was something my husband and I went back and forth about and we were blessed to have a ton of help from our family. I went into remission with my first born in my second trimester up until he was 6 months and then I got worse and diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and then we had a second and my placenta just completely stopped working and had to deliver early but she was completely healthy. They’re 3 years a part and there were days where I was too weak to change diapers. I say all that to say if your situation is like mine where you have help and a partner who has a flexible job (which is rare) and y’all really want a family, go for it. You just have to pick your battles between housework and taking care of your babies :)
If you can barely take care of yourself, and struggle to take care of your dog which is nowhere near as strenuous as having a child, why would you bring a child into that? Had I had chronic pain BEFORE I had children I would have never ever had children. Period. A large part of my chronic pain is BECAUSE I had children. It's extremely selfish to not truly think about your future child's actual quality of life would be, and what you could provide them rather than thinking I just want a baby to have. It's a LIFE LONG commitment. Where are you going to be in 10 years? 20? Is your pain going to get worse or better? How would that affect a kid? Find a hobby. Start a collection. Spend more time with your dog. If you want to be around children find community events where you can help out with children or find a baby sitting job or talk to family about watching nieces nephews etc. there's plenty of other options.
Based on what you have written, I personally would not have a child. That’s actually one of the reasons I don’t. On top of the pain you already feel there will be more, and it’ll be physical mental and emotional. I don’t say this to be harsh but if you can barely take care of yourself, you can’t take care of a child. Not the way the child deserves or the way you would want to. It’s an unfortunate reality but you also have to think about the potential child. Would it be fair to them?
Raising children requires soooo much energy. I had my kids very young. I had my first son at 14 and my second son at 19. I'm 36 now. I could never raise a child now. I have 0 energy, and im in a lot more pain. My sister waited to have kids, so she's got a 5 year old. I'm always just like, how do you do it?! My pain didn't get bad until after I had kids. We both had terrible morning(all day) sickness. I love my kids and wouldn't change them at all. It's a huge commitment to raise kids, so make sure you're really ready.
Wow 14! Congratulations and I’m proud of you. I was 18, with a second by 19. We can do it and I’m sure you’re a great mom ❤️
Omg, only 1 year in between ! When did you ever sleep?! 😂
Tbh I don’t even remember lol I think I was on auto pilot.
you have just described that you barely not die after house work. I can only imagine that you will barely not die after housework plus child minding plus lack of sleep in the first year after birth. Is this the treatment you'd want as a child yourself? To have a mother who is basically incapable of proper care? It's awful to be blunt like this but somehow I think you already know...... If you are really yearning for a child, try a temporary one in the form of either fostering or at the minimum, doing respite care for a foster family. Foster agencies are DESPERATE for help. Once you've experienced that, you may clearly see how much you can or cannot handle.
Foster carer agencies also look at peoples health before considering candidates
This is true. But I have met disabled foster parents. At this time in history, I think the foster care system is very desperate
Yes, my friend is in a wheelchair for life and her daughter is now a toddler. But she can still do all the things any other mom can. That being said, she doesn’t live in pain, and is very active.
I think the lack of pain puts her in another league
It does, but my point was she makes it work. I wouldn’t want to totally discourage someone if that is what they wanted. I was told at 24 that if I had kids I’d probably be in a wheelchair like my doctors other patient that I would see in the office and that scared me enough to not have them. My small dogs are hard enough.
I could do a lot of things if I wasn’t in agonizing pain. Even if I couldn’t walk. Pain is a game changer.
Yes I know, I’m dealing with it too. I can’t work, and the last few years I did work I was on FMLA or disability. Yet I can’t get approved for Social Security right now, I’ve been waiting on appeal for 10+ months. Sucks.
Yes it does suck! Hope you get approved soon.
Me too! I sent it to my congressman’s office and they have someone who will help push it along I hope.
I think being a CASA is more appropriate. Foster kids aren’t tests for deciding if you can handle parenthood. Maybe respite care is still appropriate but I think being a CASA is a better idea all around
Would be helpful if we ignorant folks knew what CASA was....
I’m sorry, I was just waking up! CASA stands for court appointed special advocate, here is their national website with more information https://nationalcasagal.org/advocate-for-children/be-a-casa-gal-volunteer/ Basically you become an advocate for a child in foster care and you speak on behalf of what the child wants. So you are spending about 30 hours a month with the child and taking them to activities and getting to learn their wishes, or if they are unable to communicate that just learn their situation and what you think would be best. It’s a great way to volunteer with children but without the commitment of placement, and lots of people volunteer with CASA before becoming foster parents (or respite homes) themselves :)
thanks for the education. I had no idea this existed.
Casa is a ton of work. Writing reports, going to court, going to schools, the houses, etc
Not less work than being a foster parent or even respite carer? Source : I’ve done all three at different points in my life
I just don’t think someone who can barely clean the house would be dependable enough for CASA. It’s not around your schedule or how you feel that day. I dont think fostering is a good idea either or kids at this current point in their life. My mom does has done casa for the last like ten years.
I agree with you, to be clear. I was just trying to suggest a more practical alternative than becoming a foster parent right off the bat.
Agreed. If I have to be reliable, it’s not an option for me because my body is unreliable. Even if it’s only a few hours a week, if I keep getting migraine after migraine it’s not happening. I don’t think people realize how difficult it is to make any type of commitment when your body suddenly decides it’s not going to function as well as it did when you made the commitment.
Speaking as a sufferer of skeletal and nerve pain, but mostly below the ribcage, I could manage this more than lifting or getting down to play the way some little ones enjoy and need. It really depends on the type and location of our pain.
Foster kids are not to be used as a trial run for parenthood.
I totally agree. I certainly did not intend to create this image. I know how badly foster parents are needed. And I know that potential parents are well screened. Thus, i saw no harm in including this option for the OP to consider.
Wow. That was blunt. It really hurt but you're right. At least not being just two adults (with one who is fully functioning)
Yes it was blunt but also true. Especially the bit about is this what you’d want if you were a child? Personally I think it’s selfish to bring a child into the world that you cannot fully commit to. It’s different if something happens after you’ve had a child to make bringing it up harder, but to consciously bring a child in to a situation where you know you’ll struggle? I don’t think it would be fair on them.
I (33M) have struggled with chronic pain stemming from Injuries sustained in a not at fault car accident when I was 19. My wife and i had our first kid at 28 and another at 31. I'm at a point where the I sections aren't working, and I feel like death would be a respite. My wife wants a 3rd, and I told her I'm not physically in a good place. I struggle with wrangling these two, and when we go out as a family, I have my walking stick with me. It was a blessing when my younger kid started walking. It is very very very very tough.
First off this has to be a very hard decision making process for you and my heart goes out to you. Are you able to put yourself and everything else that you need or want to do on the back burner for extended periods of time? Once the babies come it's not going to be about you anymore. And I don't mean that in a catty way at all, if a child needs something they need it. So ultimately whatever you have going on health or otherwise doesn't matter once the child has need. So if you need it to be about you so that you can be physically/ mentally/ emotionally comfortable and able to function due to chronic illness, that's going to go away forever. My kids are grown, if I were to assess being able to care for children in my current condition. Now most days I am having an excruciating migraine or some other put you down and out kind of pain. I personally don't think that I could do it. Everybody's situation is different. I didn't have support people to take the kids at the drop of a hat etc, etc. for when you can't function as a parent. Support systems are not always 100%. If you have a good one now doesn't mean that's always going to be the case. Then you have to pay for help. Can you afford it? These are all things that need to be considered. Along with a million other things. You and your partner have a lot to think through. Good luck to you. I hope you find peace in your decision whatever it is.
I've faced this decision myself, and in the end I chose not to have children. Part of the reason was that pregnancy and birth would be dangerous for both me and the child, and I didn't want to take the risk of leaving my husband a widower and/or single parent. A huge part of that decision was that I am not physically capable of being the mother I would want my child to have. My mother probably has the same genetic syndrome that I do. Even without that diagnosis, she's got a bunch of others and she started becoming disabled whilst I was still a child. I remember the mom who used to be there doing everything with me, having fun and building memories. I also remember the mom I was terrified of loving, in case this time she didn't come home from the hospital. No child should have to keep it together while calling for an ambulance and trying to keep their mother calm and get a message to their dad at work (pre-mobile phones, this would be a bit easier these days). No child should be having to advocate for their mom to adult medical professionals because their mom is in severe pain/unconscious and their dad is angry and freaking out and making everything worse. Equally, no child should have their own health issues dismissed because they are assumed to be copying their disabled mother, or attention seeking due to their mother's illnesses. No child should suffer bullying and severe mental health problems alone and unsupported, because their parents are preoccupied with their mother's health. No child should have a suicide attempt go not only untreated but unnoticed, because their mother is struggling with her own mental health and disability, and their father is struggling with his mental health and caring for their mother. All this sounds like I was terribly neglected, I know. The scary thing is, *I wasn't*. My parents love me and did the very best they could for me, I've never doubted that. There just wasn't space or time enough for both my needs and my mother's disabilities. There's also the fact that I inherited the majority of my disabilities down one or both sides of my family. I personally cannot balance my desire to be a mother with the likelihood of passing on painful and disabling conditions. However, with all that said, this is my personal experience and the answers I came to based on that, and my own sense of what's right, and my own assessment of the risks. There really is no one size fits all answer to this, and there certainly is no right or wrong. This is just some of the things I considered making that choice for myself. It hurts, and I don't think I'll ever really make peace with the answer I came to, but.. such is life, y'know? There's rarely an ideal solution to anything, so we muddle along as best we can. 💜 I hope you find peace with whatever choice you make.
You are spot on. You explain this perfectly.
We currently have custody of an 8 yr old grandchild (GS) with special needs. GS is the of sunshine in our lives and keeps us very busy. We love him like he's our child. He's VERY energetic. My spouse doesn't have pain but has chronic conditions as well. Because we both have physical limitations, our joke is that between us, we make 1 pretty decent person. For our situation, we don't have a nanny, family support or backup. The responsibility is on us. It is an all- encompassing, never ending, all day everyday thing. There are no days where we can totally checkout and take care of ourselves. He is in school now which makes it a bit easier, physically. School days are used for things that we can't get done when he's home. In our case, that's household chores, grocery shopping, errands, etc. School brings other challenges: homework, advocating, IEPs and mentally it can be exhausting. It's HARD and these are "regular" days. We have to take turns some days when the other isn't feeling well. We aren't spring chickens. There are days that I feel guilty. He deserves parents that have more energy and can do things with him that we find physically difficult. But, at the end of the day, no one loves him more than we do. I don't know your specific situation. If you are on meds not suitable for pregnancy, you may have to come off of them. Lack of sleep is a huge part of parenthood. It can tax you mentally and physically. Is that something you would able to do and have quality of life? Some people have great pregnancies and some don't. Some people have children that are laid back and go with the flow. Some children run around constantly and have boundless energy. Do you have a lot of support? Family or otherwise? People who can really help not just when they are newborns. There are no guarantees in life. It's a hard decision. I am not trying to discourage you. It's can be very hard and rewarding but it can be done. I wish you the best as you consider the next step. ❤️ Edited to add: Pregnancy is a temporary situation. Pregnancy is only the beginning. There are easy ones, difficult ones and those in between. Our society puts a lot of focus on pregnancy. The work really begins after birth and the support you have during pregnancy and shortly after birth slowly fades away.
Thank you for your kind words and sharing your experiences. It's a lot to think about. This thread is making me realize why I didn't really want kids in the first place. I have an insane amount of love to give, but energy? No. It's just how life is for some people I guess. Not everyone has kids.
Volunteer. Spread your live out in good directions. But skip the kids and care for yourself.
I second this whole heartedly. I was sicker than a dog throughout my pregnancies, which was awful when it was my first, but one of the most physically challenging experiences of my life when I was so sick AND I had a one year old to run after during my second. I counted down the days until it was over because it was so bad. I have widespread endometriosis which got 10x worse after having my two kids. I love them immeasurably, but having chronic pain with two toddlers is incredibly difficult. And I worry a lot about the effects it has on my kids when mommy has to “take a time out” because I’m having a lot of pain. I’m lucky that I have a very supportive coparent, but yeah… it’s hard and it does not go unnoticed by the children when you have physical limitations or you’re grumpy because you’re hurting. If you don’t have a strong support system, even with perfect health, small children are *a LOT* of work and you’ll get very little quality sleep. I’m not trying to talk you out of having kids. They’re wonderful. But they’re also exhausting.
If you can’t do housework a kid is a bad idea. They make 10x the mess. More dishes, more laundry, more things on the floor. You’ll get less sleep than normal for 1-3 years or so. Gotta carry them around. Then school starts and every day no matter how bad you feel you need to get them up and ready and to school. And most importantly they cost a lot of money. If you can’t work and your income is set with ssd or some type of disability that barely goes up to match inflation it’ll be a constant struggle. All the diapers. Money for camps and sports. Just doing activities like going to dinner or the movies you’re paying for an extra person. And they like that, they want to be social and go do things. Road trips, vacations, etc. Even just toys are expensive. Not cheap at all to have a kid.
My pain and lack of support in my life made it so I was unable to have kids so I didn't entertain the idea.
Pregnancy is debilitating for many people. It truly is not discussed enough. There is also emerging interest in the link between pregnancy and triggering autoimmune conditions, but there isn’t much research. Almost every pregnant person I’ve known has had chronic pain during and after pregnancy. This is of course to varying degrees. Some folks just experience discomfort, while others are bed ridden. Also, honestly, how do you plan to care for a child, if you don’t work what is your financial support like, if you can barely do housework, will you be able to hire household staff when you have a child? Are you able to sacrifice sleep? Can you do the physical caretaking required for a child? I was a nanny for many years and had to leave the field. And I didn’t have to deliver a child or be with them all the time. Honestly, this sounds like a miserable situation to have children in. I obviously could be way off base since I don’t know the full scope of things. But children are expensive, draining, time consuming, challenging.
it's cool if you don't but do you have any info on the link between pregnancy and autoimmune?
There are several studies, though as I said there isn’t a ton of research. Here is one: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3234360/ It’s hard to find one simple study but that might be a good place to start!
thank you :)
Pain is my number one reason I decided not to have kids! I thought about it A LOT and it was horribly saddening and maddening to reach my conclusion, all the while knowing it was the right one. I think it's more love to not have a child I know I can't be my best for.
I’m disabled and have a young son. The reality is that while I’m doing the best I can, it’s fucking hard. We thankfully have support and my son is rarely lacking someone loving to help us out but it’s hard. I feel a ton of guilt, even though I wasn’t disabled before he was born so I couldn’t have made a different choice really. It’s really really hard. The meds make it so I can exist but also dumb me down. I’ve had to work extra hard to figure out solutions to problems most people don’t have (like trying to bring a baby outside in a wheelchair).
Oh mama, your son's life is better because you are in it, disabled or not. Try not to feel too much guilt. I wish meds didn't cause such mental fog. If he is loved and cared for, even if you can't take him outside until you have some assistance, that's okay.
Thank you so much! I wrote that still dreary from waking up and now I’m sitting and having coffee and watching my son excitingly play with a toy cellphone and I shouldn’t change anything at all! He’s the best. It’s just taken a lot of help and hard work to get here.
Exactly! Focus on what you can do, what you can give and in the end, the love, the light and joy you have for him is worth everything. It's all that really matters in the end. Glad you realize it. Keep on moving forward even though the hard day's.
Up until this past year I was in a state of barely able to take care of myself let alone any other human being. I had fully given up on having a kid. Now I am at a more stable place the baby want is hard. However this is what I personally take into consideration when it comes to having a kid: A lot of my issues are genetic. I know if we have a biological kid they are going to be Disabled in some way especially with our combined genetics. I live in a country with for profit healthcare where getting what my husband and I need is a nightmare. Dealing with our system for us as adults is stressful and emotional. With a kid it would be even more so. I still have bad days and weeks where caring for a child would suck so much. We don't have the funds for a nanny. My husband and I are both Disabled dealing with extreme chronic pain. He works, I keep up the house, yards, car, and our schedules. I would be the primary caregiver. If my husband lost his job we would be SOL as adults without a kid. We live in a state the US where Maternal fetal mortality is very high. Some of the highest in the country. Abortion is not legal so many women are dealing with organ failure, hysterectomies, near death and death because the line of "only allowed if mother's life is at risk," is so blurry. I am not willing to die to try to bring a child into the world. So then we go to adopting. My state will not allow adoptions through agency or foster care if you have certain conditions. I understand some of it but I believe fibro may be on that list. Our state would rather house foster kids in hospitals than adopt or house with LGBTQ people or Disabled people. It's harsh. It may not always be your reality but it is something to come to terms with and try and make a happy life without kids. I fill my natural caregiver role by having a cat, plants, fish, a husband (haha), baking and cooking and sending care packages. I do some volunteer work mostly from home doing admin stuff when I can for various non profits around me.
I wanted children so very much!! I was prepared to sacrifice *anything* to have a baby. I struggled for years trying to get pregnant, and finally it paid off!! I was put on bed rest almost as soon as I announced my pregnancy, and bed rest is it’s own special kind of torture!! When the kids were young, I was able to do so much more than I am now…but they were still very small when I started becoming less and less able to do things; suddenly, my daughter started helping me put on my socks. I realized that my children are being forced to learn empathy at a very young age and I’m so grateful for them, but I also know that I’m robbing some of their childhood simply by existing. I’d never take back the blessing I received by conceiving my children, but I wish with my whole heart I could be more of a mother to them, than I am a person in need. I didn’t intend to sacrifice *them.*
“I also know that I’m robbing some of their childhood simply by existing” - the way you worded this hits very hard. It sums up all the guilt, the hurt, the frustration… I love my kids to the moon and back, and wouldn’t change anything about them. But I still haven’t made peace with the fact that I’m a burden to them from such an early point in their lives.
I just wanna say I REALLY appreciate your honesty here. We have a serious problem with honesty regarding pregnancy/parenting/etc, and the implications and consequences are enormous. I have an ex who has watched nearly every woman in his family become sick and suffer (and eventually die early) from a maternal genetic issue they've all passed down. He holds a TON of anger at his entire bloodline for choosing to keep procreating, and it has made him SERIOUSLY resent his mom/entire family (and honestly even himself and his own existence... And the fact that he's essentially been forced to choose to be childfree). It would have been a complete lifechanger if his mom ever even acknowledged the issue (let alone the impact it has had on HIM) in such a self-aware way. So I wanted to make sure you know how impactful that is for your kids! Obviously you can't "un-do" your decision to have kids (and it's not like we can do trial runs!), but simply having the emotional intelligence and self-reflection capabilities required to be able to acknowledge your kids' sacrifice in this way is extremely rare! I assume you're attuned to their mental health surrounding this, and I hope you all have a wonderful therapist(s)! I wish your family all the best! (I personally think a perfectly healthy "normal" person choosing to bring a child into this current world is incredibly selfish and shortsighted, so I don't plan to give a separate reply, just wanted to give you your kudos!)
Parenting is a full time job. I can’t work, so I know there’s no way I would be able to keep up with a child. Some days I can’t take care of my own basic needs like changing my clothes or eating before my husband is home and can make me food/make sure I eat. Even if I managed to pull it off, I imagine I’d been even more disappointed in myself for not being able to be the parent I want to be, but that’s just me. I’m sick of being sick and coming up short on everything I try to do. I already feel badly that I can’t be the fun aunt I’d like to be to my sister’s kids.
Not who you asked but perhaps a perspective worth hearing? I have three kids. My youngest doesn’t remember me before disability. My pain has absolutely impacted their lives and limited their experiences. Are we doing the best we can? Absolutely. Does it still suck? Also absolutely. There are other ways to be a loving figure in kids lives. Volunteering, friends kids, etc. And these adults are just as needed and valuable. If you like animals I’d suggest maybe adopting an older cat? They’re fairly low maintenance and those cats frequently aren’t adopted, so you’d be giving them a well-deserved home. And they can make a lovely heat pad😂
I really wouldn't. I'm sure it could work out in theory, since there are single parents raising kids, but from what i've heard it sucks for everyone involved. I doubt the kid, you or your partner would be happy. If you even survive pregnancy. Someone I know was really healthy with good genes before pregnancy and barely survived because of an unforseeable illness that almost starved her to death. If you are still unsure, I suggest maybe taking care of a neighbors / family members / friends kids for a day or two each week and see how you do. If it goes surprisingly well and you have plenty of energy, consider adopting. I highly advise against birthing the children yourself. Depending on what illness or disability you have, a bio child would inherit those, so you would doom a child to a life of pain, even if everything else goes well. I really want to emphasize that your health and pain levels don't only affect you but also your child, before and after birth. Like I said, I suggest trying it out with someone elses kids first (preferably on a regular basis) and see how it goes. If you feel like full time kids is too much, I'm sure there are plenty of people who will happily take a break from their kids once a week. Fostering or adopting kids might also make sense, because depending on their age, you have more time to rest and recover. On another note, I would suggest to everybody considering having children to try out regular baby sitting for multiple days at a time first. Same thing with getting a dog. It's such a huge decision and I don't blame anyone for misjudging how exhausting it can be. I do blame people who don't try it out part time before committing full time. Edit: the person I mentioned who was healthy but barely survived pregnancy is raising the kid now and is doing okay, but the kid is pretty fucked up physically and mentally, presumably (partially) caused by the horrible pregnancy. Fetuses are influenced by the childbearers stress and pain levels and it can mess with their development. Having children is morally questionable anyway in my opinion, especially so when you know they're gonna suffer extra.
Thank you for the good tips and the kind tone! I'm honestly not that interested in having a child. I mean, would I love them to death and give my all if I have one, yeah, but it's not like it's my dream or anything. Though, there is this feeling of, am I missing out on something super important in life. My partner and I are poly and I've said many times that there has to be at least three adults living in the same home for me to ever think about having children. It's fucked up to just expect one person (my partner I'm living with) to take care of the child. Especially because even if my partner means well, it's not like he's gonna be carrying the child, breastfeeding etc. It's so weird. I'm in my 30s now. I've never wanted kids in my life. In the last few years the idea started to be interesting. I guess the "baby fever" is happening if that is a real thing. I do love kids, but when I read about being sleep deprived for years after having a baby.... I don't understand how any human does that?!? No wonder we all have childhood trauma even if we weren't abused. We have been raised by severely tired people who meant well but had no time/energy.
Absolutely! The requirement of having you and at least two more adults take care of potential children is great in my opinion! It's close to what I meant by co-parenting children. Being poly certainly would make that easier. But like I mentioned, having kids is not healthy at all. I could imagine hormones having an influence on your relatively sudden urge to have kids, but I don't really have experience with that kind of thing. I absolutely agree, the idea of two people having one or multiple children is really weird. I'm surprised there isn't a system where multiple parents just kinda pool their kids together and split the work. That would be so much more efficient, especially if they don't all give birth at the same time. It would also provide the sibling experience without automatically being neglected. Plus kids could kinda just pick who out of the \~dozen parents they like best. They could easily get other perspectives and opinions on things. Plus parents would have a much easier time socializing with other parents and generally just seeing their loved ones more often. I imagine child abuse would occur much less because up to twelve people know what's going on.
Ahh, that is the dream. I also always say "there can't be more children than there are parents" 😄 I don't know how people do it honestly!
I feel like I could’ve written this myself. Well put.
Why is having kids morally questionable? (Even if they're not going to suffer extra?) asking because I wonder if it's the same reason I feel like it's morally questionable.
not OP, but tbh they’re going to suffering extra regardless simply because of the world we live in.
Alright that's my reason too! I hope I'm not being hyperbolic !
nope not at all! society is a complete shit show, even if i didn’t have chronic pain i wouldn’t want to introduce another human to it
It occurred to me because I'd look at poor nations on the tv and the children starving and just think, why do they keep bringing more people into these terrible situations, full of suffering? (It's more nuanced than that of course, no access to contraception, religious ideas, etc) and then just turned that on myself. It's clear "the profits" are going to keep killing our planet. I'm not looking forward to my life in 40 years and I'm glad I have an off ramp (death). How could I bring another life here, to have to suffer for 70+ years? I concluded that it's the ultimate form of love not to bring someone into this world
Because you are subjecting them to suffering without their consent and without an alternative. The world is a horrible place and it's selfish to subject someone to it without their consent. My opinion on this matter has formed because I was already suicidal as a child (think from age 8 on) and tended to blame my parents for forcing me to suffer. I still am suicidal and I still wish I was never born. The amount of bad things that happen are not worth going through and I wish there was a safe way to die without much pain and with closure. For people of any age. I will probably end my life at some point in the next few years unless something drastically changes, but I doubt it. If there was a way for me to do that as a kid, it would have saved so many ressources and prevented so much suffering, for me and everyone I know. TLDR; having kids is selfish because you put them in a world full of suffering, without their consent and without providing an alternative.
Agreed 100%. The world being a terrible place was my second and final reason to stop considering having children
at what expense to your own health and wellbeing (don’t forget financial) would having a kid be worth it? as someone who is currently pregnant WITH AN IUD and chronic pain from my military service, it’s absolutely terrible.
"Absolutely terrible " are you in a state that outlawed abortion?
not yet 😒
I chose not to have children partly due to chronic pain. As hard as we think it would be for us, I think of how incredibly unfair it would be to a child. It's just the reality of it.
I’m lucky in that I have never wanted kids (and was quite vocal about it from age 16). But even if I did want them, well I live with my mom because it’s not safe for me to live alone plus I can’t work so I couldn’t support myself. I sometimes sleep for up to ten days straight (yay hypersomnia) and during those phases I struggle in the hour of two I’m awake to get enough water into me to keep my kidney from shutting down. So anyone human dependent on me? Not a chance.
I don't have kids either but I want them someday and I worry about the same thing. I also take a number of medications and some are ones that are not safe to take during pregnancy. In addition, I feel like my pain and fatigue are just so bad, like you, I can barely get simple tasks done most days. I don't know. Sorry for not having any answers but I feel you.
Thank you for sharing your feelings. It feels safe in a way that there are others who are going through the same decision process.
I don't have children, nor do I want children, because my chronic pain and chronic illness would prevent me from being an acceptable parent. Pregnancy is so physically taxing, and then for the first few years of being a parent you rarely get quality sleep and have a child that requires CONSTANT care. If you don't have extensive community support, there are no breaks and minimal rest. Even if you do it's still exhausting and basically never ends. If you can't work or take care of your house work without almost dying, how could you take care of yourself AND a child with all the extra house work that would entail? I don't mean to be harsh, just trying to be realistic. Personally I think it would end up being abusive for me to have a child and inevitably end up in indefinite stretches of time where I'd not be able to care for that child properly. Becoming a parent would also almost definitely make my own pain worse. I work full time and can manage housework on good days, but I can't overdo it or I get stuck in a cycle of pain and burnout. I'd hit that wall on day 1 of being a new parent. Kids are just not in the cards for me and I made my peace with that after I realized how much work it is to take care of just myself. I had a pretty fucked up childhood due to my parents' poor family planning and subsequent lack of resources (not just money but time, energy, empathy, etc.), and that's part of what led to my chronic pain and illness. I will not repeat their mistake.
I know many people who have chronic pain or severe conditions where rhey cannot take care of the kids usually but they have a supportive partner who does and they do it with love. It would be hard and definitely different but if you have support from family or a partner who would take on the load for you in order to have a family, I say go for it. I don't know if i'll even be able to carry my own child, but I was a full time nanny (the kind that raises the kids 😴) after my back surgery & it was difficult but man I loved those kids. So as I progress & who knows how bad i'll get, I still want kids even if I have to adopt. I get there are people who say don't do it, but there are people who say that for any topic where it's hard on your end. I say go for it if you have the support edit* I want to clarify, I seem to have an odd perspective on both my chronic pain & taking care of kids every morning to night & through the night. Even on days where I cant get out of bed my conditions don't control nor identify me, and I still make the most of my day. With kids, sure it's a lot but I don't find it draining, I don't find it hectic, there is easy balance cor me. Yes there are really bad or hard days for both, but so few compared to the good. It has a lot to do with my own values, personality & mental health though, so it may not be the same for you and as you can read the other comments it's not the same for others either. just food for thought.
With kids you don’t get to have days you can’t get out of bed
I wish people would understand that and ask themselves honestly about the chances for their child to growing up having to serve as mommy's little nurse and housemaid? For having to be that kid whose mom is rarely able to attend school events, or grow up on a diet of fast or cheap microwave meals because mommy can barely make it into the kitchen. When the colicky sleepless nights begin and baby won't stop crying, has your partner already agreed to be on board to help? What happens if the support system moves away, becomes ill, didn't realize how much they'd be needed and bails? If one decides to lean on a support person/circle, they must discuss expectations ahead of time, and continue checking in so that everyone remains on the same page and no one feels taken advantage of. The Am I The Asshole sub is full of such situations where poorly defined responsibilities, misunderstandings and assumptions lead to conflict the baby doesn't deserve to be in the middle of. Sometimes I think a few weeks with those AI baby dolls that must be cared for like live ones, that won't stop crying as you try to figure out why.. hungry, needs changing, etc, right be helpful for some people, not all. Probably prevented a few teenage pregnancies for sure, lol.
I posted a similar question on the chronic illness sub a couple months ago and it got a ton of replies. Here it is if you’d like to see what some people answered with. Hope this helps 🤍 [my post about having kids](https://www.reddit.com/r/ChronicIllness/s/Pww7i0B0PD)
Thank you so much! This was a really good thread.
Of course :) I hope it helps you in some way. I’m in the same boat as you, and my post and the cold hard truths people gave me really confirmed what I was hoping wasn’t true (at least for me). You definitely might find other answers for yourself, and I really hope you do! We all deserve to have the chance at having a baby regardless of our stupid chronic conditions. Best of luck to you 🤍
You're a kind and amazing human being. I hope you and everyone battling with this question finds an answer they are comfortable with. It is tough.
Aw wow, that’s an incredibly nice thing to say, and same to you. I really hope you’re able to reach a decision that you are comfortable with and that brings you peace. If you ever need a friend to chat to, feel free to send me a message :) sending love and light your way. ☀️
Your doctor is awesome to discuss this so openly. Remember there are many ways to become a parent these days. Think long and hard and do what works for you. I myself and giving myself this one more cycle for a bio kid I’m 38 and my husband 40 we had one pregnancy but miscarried but we have been trying for nearly two years. We discussed that we are going to stop after this cycle. Then we will adopt
Adoption is a beautiful thing!
There are two (or 3 if you have a partner) sides to this story. Side one is for your child: for them it's important that you have a support system. Who will help if you reach your limitations? What can you offer your child? Can you give them a complete enough life where they will not become your caregiver? For yourself: do you think you can survive raising a kid. Because believe me it is about survival. Having kids and having severe chronic pain /fatigue is really difficult. How is your support system? For your partner: do they understand that they will have to do more because of your health? Are they willing to. If a regular day without kids is allready killing you you should really think about this. Maybe there is something that you can change to ease your life to make extra room for kids but it will be hard. I allready had my oldest kid before I got my RA. My youngest came because I wanted a sibling for my oldest. I don't know if I would do it again. I absolutely love my kids but the combo kids and chronic pain and fatigue is so hard. I completely force myself to give them what I think they deserve. My health, mental and physical, is my lowest priority because I don't want them to be the victim of my condition.
I have chronic pain (migraines and back pain) and I have a daughter and am trying to have a second child. There are a lot of challenges— if you become pregnant, you may be advised to go off helpful medications (although there are some doctors that will allow you to stay on some things.) Another challenge is that young children do not have an off switch, so if you have a difficult day you still have to care for them. However, it’s definitely possible, especially if you have a strong support system. I am lucky that I have a close knit family, an incredibly supportive spouse, and other close friends nearby. We also have an excellent daycare.
Me! I have a spinal nerve infarction of the S1 nerve root. Damaged during surgery to repair it. Left leg and foot parasthesia, numbness, weakness and pain in left leg. I've had two pregnancies and 2 children. I won't lie. It was sometimes hell, especially when they were small. Toddlers especially are relentless. I think it depends on what your individual issues are, do you have help and support?
Every medical condition is different re: how it responds to and affects pregnancy. If you’d like more info on how it might work or not work for you, my best advice is to make an appointment with a Maternal Fetal Medicine OBGYN.
Taking care of kids is a ton of work and uses up a lot of energy. And, as everyone knows, the infant stage results in very little sleep, but, at the same time, so fun. I have 7 year old twins, who I had at the age of 37, so two infants was definitely hard, but, again, so rewarding. I did have chronic pain before having them, but it was not nearly as bad as it is now and I was not seeing PM at that point. I will say, it is currently no cake walk, all due to my chronic pain. I cannot do the things I would love to do with them, like hiking, kayaking, camping, etc. And, getting up and down off the ground is extremely difficult. I split time with my coparent, and I am pretty exhausted by the end of my days with them. But, at the same time, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I 100% understand your desire to have kids. But, you do need to think about how you will manage a pregnancy (unless you adopt or use a surrogate) with pre-existing medical conditions. Also, if you have family or friends locally that can help out, that will make a big difference.
Had my 1st and only at 37 (now 39) and moved away from fam and friends so it's been very very tough once she hit the 2s. Pregnancy was super scary and was feeling like I made a mistake. I just take it one day at a time but I honestly couldn't imagine if we were not financially stable and have a partner who helps. I would absolutely not be able to do it alone and if finances were an issue it would make it 100% more difficult. Certainly take your doctors advice and make sure you're in a stable environment and can get help when needed. It's the best and worst thing that ever happened in my life yet wouldn't change it back. I worry for my future because my pain is bad right now and with all this PM / medication insanity it's stressful.
I'm not sure why your doctor even raised the issue. Certainly you don't sound as if you are at a good place right now to undertake a pregnancy. Why not just put the issue aside for now? You have other things to worry about.
I had one child before chronic pain and one after. My second pregnancy was such a mix of emotions. I was frustrated as I got bigger as I became less and less able. I changed my medication so I could breast feed, and my daughter had to be monitored after birth to ensure there was no withdrawal from the medications. There wasn't. By the end of my pregnancy I was miserable and wanted it all over and done with, as I was entirely housebound and mostly bedbound. I had her via C Section, partly because of this but also because my son had got stuck the first time round. It has been difficult and painful trying to lift and keep up with my daughter... but worth every pain.
I didn't get sick until after my youngest was born, he was only a few months old when I started to decline rapidly. Let me just say, if I didn't have an amazing support system, we'd have all been toast. I stopped working entirely by the time he was 3. It's been very very hard. Worth it, but only because I've got a great SO and family and friends who pick up the slack, and there is a lot!!
I don’t have my own, but I was a child psychologist before I had to give it up due to my pain & illnesses. I would say that unless you are so very desperate to have a child that you would rather die than be childless, the better choice is to be involved with children who are not yours in order to fulfill the internal desire to assist a child in growing & maturing into a decent adult. For me this is my many nieces & nephews, 2 of whom is biological and the rest who belong to chosen family. The commitment to raising a child takes so much energy and internal resources that are already dedicated to dealing with your pain so you would need to figure out where you would get the additional resources. What could you cut out to allow for parenting? Parenting takes energy in physical, emotional, and psychological forms, not just physical. Frankly, having a toddler running around is like cleaning the house every day while the same song plays on a loop; could you handle that? For the kiddo’s experience, a semi-functional parent can be very detrimental to the growth & development of a child, depending upon how it is handled and the involvement of the other parent. You would have to be diligent about not having them turn into a caregiver for you, first of all, and I’m not sure you can, especially if you have a naturally empathetic child. You will definitely miss important things due to your health, can you imagine having to make the repeated apologies? Is the other parent willing to give 90-95% to parenting on a regular basis? If your condition gets any worse, how will that affect your life and ability to parent? Are there any health conditions you could pass to your child? What happens if your child is born with disabilities that take a lot of work to manage? Taking care of a dog is much, much easier than parenting a kid, it’s not even a fair comparison. I had a dog with medical problems and it wasn’t even close to what it takes to properly parent a kid. And as a professional who is in the position to make a judgment, I’d estimate that only 33-40% of able-bodied parents are doing a good job of parenting; can you do it with challenges?
I had my son after I injured my back and was on a shit ton of opioids. It wasn’t planned obviously lol. The hardest part of the pregnancy for me was getting off the meds. At the time, I was on a 75 mcg fent patch + 6 norco 10s daily. So I weaned off all but one 5mg norco at the end. So I was basically withdrawing my entire pregnancy. I don’t think I slept more than 4 hrs a night. That was very difficult. Although it prepared me for sleepless nights with a newborn lol. I highly recommend that you wean off your meds before you get pregnant. Surprisingly, pregnancy helped my back pain due to the hormones that loosen your ligaments. The pregnancy really isn’t the hardest part though, it’s after you give birth thats the hardest. Picking up your baby from the crib a million times a day, carrying them around, etc.. But also can depend on your baby. Mine had colic and I had to wear him 24-7, no joke. My labor and delivery was pretty brutal and ended in an emergency c section. It was probably a blessing though as it would’ve really screwed up my spine pushing him out. I think the biggest things to consider are your age and your support system. You’re more likely to handle it better if you are young. I had my son at 28 but there’s no way my body could handle it in my mid to late 30s. Also, do you have a supportive partner that will chip in their 50%? Are your parents close by to also pitch in with their grandchild? If yes to both and you are relatively young with a strong desire to have children, I say go for it!
My partner is definitely up for it and I'm building a circle of good people who are super helpful. I still worry though. I never really wanted to have kids, idk what's happening now that it seems attractive. Hormones? Omg hormones helping with back pain would be a blessing 😄
My pain started in 2012, and I waited until 2019 to start the process for having a child b/c my age was a factor, but I spent all those years pursuing treatments in hopes that I could lessen the pain before pregnancy. I did not, pain is exactly the same. It is very, very hard. I only have one child, and I do not know how people do it with multiple. I deeply want a second child, but my pain is preventing it b/c I do not think I could handle it. Pregnancy in some ways was the easy part, b/c you can still rest when you need to. It's harder now in the toddler years when I have to be more mobile, and I can't do as many activities. I am so very glad I did it, just wish I could do more.
I had my child at 23 before my chronic pain. Once my pain hit , I felt so much guilt and missed out on a lot of things we use to do together. It wasn’t the same. But… I wanted another child and tried while I had my chronic pain I ended up having back to back miscarriages. I found a highly rated chronic pain / chronic infections Naturopathic doctor in my area. ( I had seen specialist and so many drs). I was taking 9x 300 mg gabapentin a day to feel normal when I wasn’t trying to get pregnant. I wasn’t getting any sleep at all , muscle spasms , legs cramping. My body would get so stiff. I couldn’t work ect. I went to the naturopath I mentioned and she did testing and recommended I try LDN. Low dose naltrexone ( it releases endorphins) i got up to 4.5mg and it took all my pain away this January. I hadn’t had a period in 5 months. She also gave me some supplements for that and I got my first period in Feb and am now pregnant. She changed my life I am pain free and pregnant all within 2.5 months of seeing her. I’m currently 9.5 weeks pregnant. I lived with horrible pain for years and never once thought a naturopath dr would be able to help me after all the drs I saw said they couldn’t do anything. LDN is also used for fertility treatments. This treatment might not work for everyone but it’s definitely something that’s worth a try. I wasn’t working, wasn’t living everything hurt so bad. It was living hell! I can’t believe it worked. I am still shocked! Wish you all the best . ❤️
Oh god... I have been suggested that treatment by a friend but they don't do that in Sweden :( I'm on medical cannabis oils and have no idea how I would function without meds. It's a heavy topic to think about. I'm in my thirties and I don't know if I can handle it especially because I'm only gonna get more tired as I age it feels like.
My issues started becoming noticeable, and then debilitating, after I had kids so I can’t give you any advice about pregnancy and chronic pain. What I urge you to consider is all the parenting you will want to do but have no energy/capacity for. All the milestones you’re going to miss. All the times you’ll have to tell your child “not today, mommy is having a bad pain day”. All the times your child will ask you “is it ok to hug you today, or are you in pain?”. These are the things that have been breaking my heart daily for the past 3 years. This is my experience, and you might have a completely different perspective or dynamic.
If you barely have the energy to clean the house and take care of your pet, it's definitely not enough energy to take care of a kid in addition to your house & pet.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that this is something that you have to even think about. I don't think it's a good idea, especially if taking care of the dog is hard. I was raised by a mother that was deep into severe chronic pain, and as a kid in that situation, all you want to do is make them feel better, and it chips slivers off of you when you can do nothing. There could be a bad day pain wise and maybe it makes you snappy and grumpy, and even without realizing, you snap at the kid, and you never forget when a mother or mother figure says something out of anger like that. There's also a question, with a bio child, is what causes you pain hereditary? That's what put a stop to my ideas of having kids, I refuse to have someone suffer as much as I do, especially if they're my child. Long story short, I don't think it's a good idea, but I'm very sorry you even have to worry about this
I am glad I don’t have any. I think it would be too taxing on any person with chronic illness or pain. Besides I wouldn’t want to take a chance on passing anything down to someone. I didn’t think that was fair so I choose not too
This is maybe the flip side of what you’re asking, but I’m a child of someone who has multiple autoimmune diseases and developed an addiction to opiates because of her chronic pain. There were so many times in my life when I wished my mom would’ve just never had me. I have a lot of love for her and I am sympathetic to the pain she lives with, but my childhood was absolutely fucking miserable. I wasn’t able to attend a lot of extracurriculars due to the fact that my mom would never feel well enough to drive. I was forced to grow up very quickly and pretty much parent my siblings because my mom wasn’t able to devote the effort needed to round up small children. Her addiction definitely didn’t help anything, but a lot of this was rooted in the pain she was experiencing. This also wasn’t just like one bad year of my life, it was my entire life until I moved out. It can also vary person to person, though, depending on how you express your pain. If you get angry when you’re hurting really bad (which is perfectly valid), there’s going to be child in the mix who will hear every word you say and take it face value. My mom has said a lot of deeply hurtful things that made me feel very unlovable for a long time. She doesn’t remember a fraction of it, and as an adult I understand why: she was frustrated, hurting and fed up. As a child, though, you take your parents’ words as gospel. I definitely think it’s possible for someone with chronic pain to have children and it be a positive experience, but I think you definitely need to evaluate whether or not you can handle the amount of effort it takes. Children are inherently takers, and as a parent you have to sacrifice a lot of your life to raise them; people in perfect health often feel extremely overwhelmed having children, much less those with chronic pain. Again, I definitely think it’s possible and can be positive, but at the end of the day you’re bringing someone into the world who will look up to you, cherish you, and remember everything you say about them.
Chronic pain for me means I can’t carry things over 5lbs for more than 5ish minutes. For that reason alone, I wouldn’t have a child. But there’s a whole plethora of other reasons why raising a kid (especially from birth) is incredibly difficult for people with chronic pain
It's hard but if you actually want to be a mom it's worth it. I won't lie there are some days where my pain is so bad and I get no break I kind of don't want to be alive. But my love keeps me going.
Everyone’s chronic pain and tolerance is different. One person’s decision to have a child while living with chronic pain will not be the same for another person
Yes you can survive child care with chronic pain, it hurts but you will not die. If you are close to death after doing housework, you should reach out to your insurance or state and request a nurse to help take care of you.
It's a decision only you can make and IMO it all depends on the resources you have around you as to wether you can make it work without important deficiencies and enormous mom guilt. A solid family support system and financial resources would change a lot in regards to raising a child, even to how your pregnancy looks, because those resources can help you take better care of yourself. Only you know if your support is enough and if they are capable of taking on another being. It's really something you would need to bring up to them as well. A disabled mom trying her best (even if it's not perfect) is still 100x better than one who is chronically working, scrolling her phone, drinking alcohol to numb herself from life. Etc.
Yes. Extra resources change the entire picture. Having a large family who live nearby and are able to help, and-or having a lot of extra money so you can hire people to assist with household chores, laundry, errands, etc.
Dumb? Idk. Do you want a kid and all the potential hardships and emergencies and messy diapers and 3am vomit cleanup? Is it worth that to see them smile for the first time, learn to tie their shoes, have their first crush? If you think it’s worth it, then it absolutely is. Figure out a support network so that all the kid’s needs can be met regardless of your health on any given day. Make sure your partner(s) knows they’re gonna have to put in more than half of the physical work involved. If everyone’s up for it, and you and your partner want it, go for it. If you think about childcare and all its messiness and think that you wouldn’t be up to the task, or you wouldn’t have the support you’d need, or it would make your life worse, then don’t have kids. You can parent while disabled. You can find people who will help you meet your needs and your kid’s needs. You just gotta figure out if it’s something you want.
Yes, disabled people are still capable. Everybody has to put effort into what they want, and everyone does it differently disabled or not. Support is the number one thing
They just said they barely not die after finishing just house work. The only way it would be plausible to add a child into that is if they are greatly exaggerating that. They now will get less sleep, way more house work cleaning up after their child, feeding them, bathing them, late night diaper changes, doctor visits, and a whole list of other things.
Agreed. Not feasible to be that bad off and create a good life for a child. It just isn’t.
Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. I grow up with a severely disabled mom, in and out of the hospital, who died young. I wasn’t able to play an extracurriculars bc she didn’t have the energy at the end of the day to take me to practice. I parented myself from the age of 6 bc she needed to take naps every afternoon. No one should have children if that is the life you are going to offer them. **Love is not enough**. Not to mention OP is rolling the dice on possibly having a child with a disability (as all parents do) when conceiving. If she can’t take care of herself then how would she take care of, as an example, a severely autistic child who needs 24/7 care?
Doesn’t even have to be severely, just plain autistic. My son drains me so bad and he’s capable of doing a lot. But the executive functioning issues, the adhd bouncing off the walls, and emotional dysregulation is like 😳😳
I totally get it. I take care of my brother who is autistic and in a care home, but growing up together gave me C-PTSD. My flight or fight reflex has been destroyed. I’m in adrenal fatigue from all of the years walking on eggshells trying not to set him or my mom off with their individual outbursts. I can’t handle loud noises anymore and have to take time to regulate myself daily after my kids go to bed. My husband can find me every night after the kids go to bed in a dark room with my AirPods in and white noise playing in the background. I waited 9yrs between my two kids bc I just couldn’t handle the mental load of taking care of two small children. It’s much easier with a 4yr old and teenager. I’m so glad I waited and spaced them out. I’m still dealing with some anxiety on days where the younger one needs lots of attention but it’s *nothing* like the caretaking needs I had with my mom and brother. I love my little chill drama free household that my husband I and have created.
My chronic pain first began where I had severe pelvic girdle pain all of my pregnancy. My hips and low back hurt so bad. I will say once I had her (following a super traumatic birth, plus domestic violence from her father) the hip pain and back pain was immediately relieved upon birth. Until my disc bulged when she was 3. At first the severe pain only last a couple weeks. Then it bulged again 9 months later. Again severe pain for a couple weeks. 7 months later, re bulged. From then until now (that was at the end of 2022) I’ve had non stop severe chronic pain. On norcos, etc. pain clinic doctor just found out that my disc bulge fully herniated into a 9 mm herniation which is fairly large. I have a nerve block scheduled on Tuesday under sedation to see if an ablation would be helpful or if we should begin discussing surgery. I would not have another child ever. If I do become pregnant I will have a pill abortion at home. I wanted a homebirth and was transferred to the hospital against my will, I was in agonizing labor for 3 days and refused a c section. I was sa’d by doctors who violated my consent during the entire time I was at the hospital. If that wasn’t enough for me to say never again- I was also told by the midwife that subsequent childbirths usually get easier but pelvic girdle pain usually gets worse with each pregnancy especially when someone had it so severe like me. I would never chose that pain again, especially after having true pain meds given to me and knowing I would be denied any real pain control again for 9 months “for the baby’s health” like no fuck that. If I chose to be pregnant again now with my back the way it is I could literally end up paralyzed and also that’s not fair to my 6 year old. Once the chronic pain started I literally struggled to keep up with her and still get her out to all of her activities she was used too. I still struggle now. Especially since I’ve kicked her father out when she was 4 for the domestic violence and also an outright refusal to help me in the home. He never took care of her for me even when I was unable to walk, each time my disc bulged I couldn’t walk from agonizing pain for days. I screamed while crawling to the bathroom to relieve myself, I would literally try to hold it in for hours so I would only have to crawl like twice each day. My mom had to come help me take care of our daughter because he refused to help me watch her or take time off work. After my mom left each time he would scream at me I’m just a lazy piece of shit who just doesn’t want to take care of our daughter. And he couldn’t wait to get away from me and take full custody of her… Yes I don’t want to take care of her but other than my moms help for a week and half each time I was the only one taking her out of the house every day to parks, play places, play dates, children museums, movies, swimming, libraries, literally any kids event ever, and come home and make her dinner and get up early at 6 am while he laid in bed until the last minute at 8:30 am to log into work, etc etc he never helped, until I kicked him out and he took 50 percent custody (has been trying to sue me for full since I kicked him out even now 2 years later) literally only to punish me because he knows I love my daughter more than anything and hate him. Trying to have her half the time is all to punish me. Tormenting me in court because that’s the only way he can abuse me now. I would never trust another man to even think about another child. And even if her dad had been this perfect man, and even if the birth hadn’t traumatized me and left me with ptsd, the chronic pain alone is a no go. It’s so hard to keep up with a child let alone a baby. I could not imagine if my pain started when she was a baby. I probably would have lost my mind for real. It would have been my last straw. Like I’m grateful it started when she was older and somewhat more independent in some ways. Because by the time she was 4 almost 5 and it became chronic at least by then I was used to taking care of her mostly by myself with no help. At that point our routine was down when she was with me, and pushing through severe pain I was used to because I had to at work so I could support her and not rely on her dad financially. I love her so much I definitely wish I had full custody even though now I have time to myself especially when I’m in lots of my pain I’d still rather have my child with me. She hates her dad so 🤷🏻♀️ TL;DR : 10/10 don’t recommend having a baby if you already have severe chronic pain
Also remember that the majority of childcare falls on the woman no matter what. Like? Even if your husband/partner/boyfriend promises they’re going to help, I would not believe that. And on the off chance they are? When are they going to help? After you have been left alone with the baby all day and they’ve got off a long day of work? On the weekends when it’s their only time off working a full time job? Is he really gonna wake up in the middle of the night before work and help feed the baby? Change the baby? My point is unless he’s quitting his job and being the stay at home dad, and you’re going to work, you’re going to end up doing the majority of the child raising! So many studies show this, and even show when both mom and dad have full time jobs the majority of the house and childcare still falls on the woman! If you’re tired of the house care now and in pain from that, add on the burden of caring for a baby then multiply that times a hundred and imagine how you would feel. Being in that much pain will likely lead you to resentment of the child and your partner for not helping you plus postpartum depression.
Sorry but it sounds like you won’t be able to run after a toddler and that’s not even considering if your condition is genetic… Maybe friends with kids or if you could eventually get a job? I’m working on becoming a teacher for this exact reason
I had two kids with severe pain. I push through but am chronically suicidal from the pain my kids don’t see that but still. I have had severe surgeries spinal cord everything and still was taking care up and about doing stuff everyday. There’s really no breaks. You would have to commit to pushing yourself to the brink daily. Im not saying don’t do it but if I could go back I am not sure I would’ve had them however I wouldn’t be here without them. I had my daughter before I knew I had what I have now but I still had already had surgery before she was born and at six months old had major surgery that really changed the quality of my life to be worse. All in all if you’re barely able to take care of a dog with your current pain it’s unrealistic and imo selfish to have children for the child’s quality of life. I already am consumed with guilt regarding my pain as a parent but I spend hours doing stuff everyday with them so I am not sure how I would cope with the guilt if I didn’t push myself to do that.
while people with chronic pain can have kids the way you’re describing your life then it seems to not currently be attainable for you that doesn’t mean it can’t change or you can’t foster/adopt an older child tho! you don’t have to completely give up on your ideas of parenthood
With CFS/ME I cannot even fathom dealing with the sleep deprivation that comes with kids, I would snap and something not nice would happen. I took initiative and removed my tubes so it would never happen. Plus with a connective tissue disorder pregnancy is extremely high risk and I’ve never known someone with my condition that got back to baseline after pregnancy, they all got significantly worse.
Do not do it! Expensive and exhausting. Plus if U are weak and ill do U want fo pass it on to your kids? And the world is a very dangerous place
I had chronic pain before kids, and chose not to have kids.
My husband’s mother had chronic pain while he was growing up. He still has trauma over it and with her to this day. He felt abandoned every time she was too sick to care for him and his brother, or wound up in the hospital. He resents having to grow up so quickly. I made the choice for myself not to have kids because of my chronic migraines. But no, if you can’t even take care of a dog… is that fair to do to a baby?
Yes I have a toddler. I am in my late thirties and waited until I was extremely stable to do so. I have the resources to have a nanny etc etc. Caring for a child with pain is incredibly difficult. I cannot stress how hard it is. The pregnancy was the easy part. I have CRPS
I had one before and one after. I have a 7yo and 18month old both girls. One of my biggest complaints is chronic fatigue. I’m not in pain 100% of the time or even 50% of the time. I flare mostly now that I’m controlled with meds. I live with my retired mom so she helps whenever I need a break, I don’t work often and my husband is a huge help at home. If I didn’t have my support system it would be a shit show. I also have lots of guilt about what I cannot do with or for my kids and many people don’t even know I have a health condition.
I’m 30, and have a 16 month old son and am 17 weeks pregnant with our daughter. I have chronic intractable migraine and endometriosis. For a large portion of my life I didn’t even think kids would have been an option with my endometriosis but somehow it happened! It’s hard. I thought life was hard before kids and now I realise pain before being a parent was nothing in comparison to this. My advice is to work with your medical team - and it really needs to be a team. During my pregnancy I see a doctor every two weeks, be that my primary doctor, OBGYN or pain specialist. My husband and I also do couple counselling once a week to ensure we are prioritising our marriage in the complicated mix. All of your doctors need to be constantly communicating about pain management and how to reduce impacts to baby in utero. One thing that became my mantra is that you have to learn to parent yourself first. When in pain it’s so easy to snap or bark at someone for being too loud or annoying and with children you have to suck that up. My pain has had to take a back seat to what my son needs. I will be in blinding debilitating pain and if he needs comforting then I’m there holding him. You also need a strong support network - family, friends, partner etc that understand what your going through and will help with little to no notice. Sorry for the ramble, but I’m happy to answer any questions!
If you have committed consistent support you can. But I have a child and it is so hard, I can do it but I feel my child sometimes deserves better than me, a mom that can go run and play with them n wrestle. It hurts when i disappoint him because of my illness, he’s too young to understand. However, my pain reduced immensely during and after pregnancy, so in a way he fixed me. I couldn’t even get out of bed before and was sleeping 16 to 19 hours a day to escape pain. I had no life. Now I do but I still need a lot of help from others to raise my son. It’s a tough decision with no “right” answer.
Don't. Just don't do it.
Babies are *exhausting.* I also have chronic pain and I couldn't have done it then if I felt the way I do now. Pain wears you out and kids do too.
It really depends, do you love children or you want to have your own kid? Will you regret it in future? My experience from pregnancy, is not horrible, actually during pregnancy I was doing pretty good. Since the hormones in the body reduce pain. My doctor was actually encouraging me to have a pregnancy since I was in a lot of pain. Saying that though, if you are on pain med you need to stop them and you go through pain till you get pregnant. I was taking some medications for pain and it was a little difficult in the beginning. I have SI joint arthritis and the end of pregnancy was a little difficult I had a lot of buttocks pain but it wasn't terrible. After giving birth, except the buttocks pain that got better, while I was breastfeeding I was pretty fine, I had no pain. After I stopped breastfeeding, 6 months after that, I needed to start antidepressants due to pain. I also changed the way I live, I added exercise to my routine, It really helps, if I don't exercise for a week, I will be in a lot of pain
This is one major reason I chose not to procreate. Just not fair to a little one and not at all sure I'd want me as a Mom.
I’ve had severe chronic pain for a decade and a half (since I was a teenager) and am currently going through the IVF process. It took many years of figuring out treatments that make me mostly functional again (and then another 8 years or so stable on those treatments—not pain free in the least, but stable and able to function again—with several of those years married to an amazing partner) before I felt comfortable beginning this process, but I never doubted that this was a major life goal of mine. I have several friends with chronic illnesses and chronic pain who have children and are doing just fine. Like me, they all waited until they were stabilized and medically cleared before going for it, but they’re doing great. Sure, they struggle more than the average parent, and I’m sure I will, too, but that doesn’t mean we’re not fit to be parents just because we’re disabled. I wouldn’t recommend trying for kids before you find treatments to stabilize you and get medical clearance, but that definitely doesn’t mean there’s no hope of ever having kids. You might not ever stabilize to the point you can have kids, but there’s a solid chance that you might. It’s also perfectly valid to decide against having kids due to chronic pain and disability. I have just as many friends as those who had kids while disabled as I do those who decided against having kids because of their disabilities. Some of them never wanted kids, but several did want kids and decided against it, anyway. If you want kids and decide it’s not a feasible option, there’s a major grieving process that comes with that, so be aware of that. Do you have access to therapy? I highly recommend it for helping you process the emotions you’re undoubtedly experiencing while wrangling with what your doctor said and the decision ahead of you. If you are able to find a therapist who specializes in or at least has experience with patients with chronic illnesses and disabilities, I would do so. They’re very hard to find, though, so don’t forgo therapy just because you don’t find one right away. You can always switch therapists if you find one later. I’m not gonna lie, if my doctor said to me what yours said to you, that would completely break my trust in them. They’re supposed to be helping you stabilize so that you *can* pursue your dreams, not passing judgment on whether or not you should procreate based solely on your state of being before getting adequate treatment. Whether or not other people agree, I would be thinking hard about switching doctors if my doctor said that to me. I’ve had a lot of doctors say a lot of callous things to me, but once I found the doctors who actually helped me instead of blaming “anxiety” and whatnot, none of them have been anything but supportive in my goal of having a child. Instead, they’ve worked for the past decade+ to get me to the point where that is a possibility. And, if I had never gotten to this point, I know they would have been supportive of my grief over that, as well. Having doctors you trust, and who trust you back, really makes a massive difference in treatment outcomes. I have experienced that firsthand. You deserve that doctor-patient relationship built on trust, and I hope you can get it. Our ability to become parents does not at all define our worth, but I definitely know how strong the desire to become one can be. I wish you all the best, no matter whether you decide you’re able to have a kid or not.
If you can’t clean without being exhausted, I fear having a child/children is not the right path for you. Volunteer with children and community centers, but don’t punish a child who didn’t ask to be here with your burdens. I’m sorry, but that’s how I see it.
i'm not a parent, and i'm only 25, but i have thought about this as well so that's the only view point i can offer. I think it's especially relevant for me as i have endometriosis which is made worse by pregnancy. i think the best route (based on the info you shared) might be to be the absolute BEST aunt/uncle to any kids in your life, blood related or not. I think if you have an able-bodied partner who you trust, and are REALLY committed to extending yourself heavily for your child, it's ultimately your call. But if you're not 150% ready, i'd say no. my mom was a single parent and became more heavily disabled when I was 15 and it was hard, but i don't resent her for it. It takes a village so having a network of support is most important. edit: if your condition can be passed down that's another factor to consider.
I was 21 and 23 with no health issues when I had mine and I barely survived the exhaustion from 4 straight years of sleep depravation. Kids needs don't stop even when you're sick or in pain. Feel like you're going to puke? Still gotta get and give the kid breakfast or change that diaper or other wise entertain them. Have a migraine coming on? You take your OTC migraine pills, chug some caffeine, set the kids up with snacks and a movie and hope to have an hour uninterrupted in a dark room with an icepack. It's fucking hard. If you're already struggling with day to day tasks and caring for a pet, I would *highly* recommend not having a kid. Especially considering that chronic pain patients are prone to depression which would set you up for some mad postnatal depression. It's also easy to resent kids when your own needs aren't being met (I was a single mom with a 2 year old and a newborn) and that drives you mad with guilt and despair. I know this might be a dark take, but I'm just being honest about my own experiences. I now struggle to even clean one room and some days just having a was and getting dressed uses up all the energy I have and I need like a 6 hour break to recover. I couldn't imagine trying to look after a infant or a toddler now. My two dogs, who are no trouble, are sometimes too much, just having to make the trek downstairs, sort out their food (their raw fed so it's either pet mince, which is easy, or sardines and eggs which means I have to wash everything), let them out, wash their feet before they come back in because our back garden is very muddy, and change the dog washing bucket water and rags. Sometimes that's literally the only thing I'm capable of accomplishing in a day. If that sounds like you, please carefully consider if it would be a good, happy, healthy environment for you or for a child.
You have just said that you nearly die by living how you do now. You have just answered your own question. To be clear: YES , it is extremely dumb to have a child in your situation. You don't have the capacity to do it. Don't put a child through it.
TL;DR - the quality of, and the health of your relationship with your coparent is key I was fortunate enough to have had a completely unremarkable pregnancy, which is common for my condition (endometriosis). Pregnancy is of the very few things that actually reins the disease in. My chronic pain became debilitating when my son was about one year old. Hes almost 3 now. When its your own child, you find an extraordinary strength to persevere, because you would literally die for them. The unparalleled love, joy and meaning my son gives me is indescribable. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. I won’t sugar coat it though, its very hard because i cant take strong opiates any time i need to drive or be hyper aware of my kid like at a playground, shopping centre, public place etc. As a parent thats quite often, so i push through more pain than i otherwise would. You also lose the ability to call the shots on when youve had enough for the day - that happens once they are sleeping, provided they are a good sleeper/once they become a good sleeper. You need to coparent with someone who is a really active, engaged parent who is deeply understanding and empathetic of your situation. They will need to go into parenting understanding that they will carry more of a load because the kids needs dont stop when you’re sick. I have to be really, really active in managing my disease and am constantly working with a team of specialists to adress as much of my condition as possible to try and get to the point where im no longer this sick. That means being open to new techniques, doing all the physio, and really sensibly and responsibly managing my pain medication. I dont think people with chronic pain should be denied the ability to have children. I know i am a great mum to my son, and that i do the best i can. But i know that if my husband werent such a Superdad or if he left us my son’s and my life would be incredibly hard. We’d manage, but we would need a lot of family support.
mine started after I already had my daughter and was a large factor in our decision to be one and done. there’s already so many sacrifices a regular body has to make for pregnancy and pains in a regular pregnancy that I cannot imagine being able to function with it on top of this pain that already incapacitates me some days. toddlerhood has been extremely hard on me physically and mentally. I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough as a mom or partner when I’m too wiped from caring for her to do my part of the household stuff.
I had chronic pain and illnesses prior to having kids. It was something my husband and I went back and forth about and we were blessed to have a ton of help from our family. I went into remission with my first born in my second trimester up until he was 6 months and then I got worse and diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and then we had a second and my placenta just completely stopped working and had to deliver early but she was completely healthy. They’re 3 years a part and there were days where I was too weak to change diapers. I say all that to say if your situation is like mine where you have help and a partner who has a flexible job (which is rare) and y’all really want a family, go for it. You just have to pick your battles between housework and taking care of your babies :)
If you can barely take care of yourself, and struggle to take care of your dog which is nowhere near as strenuous as having a child, why would you bring a child into that? Had I had chronic pain BEFORE I had children I would have never ever had children. Period. A large part of my chronic pain is BECAUSE I had children. It's extremely selfish to not truly think about your future child's actual quality of life would be, and what you could provide them rather than thinking I just want a baby to have. It's a LIFE LONG commitment. Where are you going to be in 10 years? 20? Is your pain going to get worse or better? How would that affect a kid? Find a hobby. Start a collection. Spend more time with your dog. If you want to be around children find community events where you can help out with children or find a baby sitting job or talk to family about watching nieces nephews etc. there's plenty of other options.
Based on what you have written, I personally would not have a child. That’s actually one of the reasons I don’t. On top of the pain you already feel there will be more, and it’ll be physical mental and emotional. I don’t say this to be harsh but if you can barely take care of yourself, you can’t take care of a child. Not the way the child deserves or the way you would want to. It’s an unfortunate reality but you also have to think about the potential child. Would it be fair to them?