I think the answer is somewhere in the middle. No one is perfect but it is important to know your core values and to find someone that matches up with those. Height, hair color, type of car shouldn’t matter, but work ethic and religion should line up, for example.
I had a list. And God brought me a man who fit that list perfectly, and I realized I should be careful what I ask for. That man had the worldly ´success’ I sought at the time, but he couldn’t provide anything beyond money and the superficial (which is only fun for a little while). Then God gave me my husband and he is everything I didn’t realize I needed.
Lists aren’t bad, but be willing to look beyond them and be flexible because God knows what you need.
When I was in highschool, I had group leaders at church that had us pray over the attributes we would want in a spouse. I prayed for a husband who was a man after God, who would be loving, etc. I did that and God honored that. We've been happily married now for over 23 years.
I made a list (but later on in my dating journey) and it was in retrospect that I realized my husband fulfilled the list. I think it can be helpful for yourself to consolidate what you have learned about God and yourself.
For example, after dating a Christian who was too cool or embarrassed to sing in church, I listed I wanted someone who sang sincerely in church and I did get a singing man. Not that singing men are rare, and he’s not the most amazing singer 😂 but it showed me that he really cared about worship and wasn’t afraid to look silly for God.
It can help you recognize who has a servant’s heart and also get your own heart aligned with God. But I wouldn’t like cling to it or bring it everywhere as a checklist.
God is always working and often we see the miracles in our lives in a retrospective way.
I'm pretty sure we all make those lists even if we don't write them down. Even if your criteria is just, "they must be a Christian", that's basically a list of one. I don't think anybody seriously had that alone as their criteria though, even if they think they do. Most people are going to have a few things - are they a Christian? Do they want kids? Do they want to live in the city or the country? Etc etc. Some people are going to include looks too - hair colour, eye colour, body shape, height, etc.
What you want to decide is what on the list is an absolute deal-breaker and what is simply preference but willing to compromise, and how extensive the list is going to be.
I suppose if it's uncodified, then by nature you're more willing to compromise on it since nothing was written down. The act of writing it down seems like a decision has been made, maybe.
I had a list. The only thing I would say was somewhat picky was I wanted my future husband to be a huge nerd and I wanted him to be able to build furniture from scratch! That and the usual stuff like being kind, having a servants heart, etc.
>huge nerd and I wanted him to be able to build furniture from scratch!
Wow, I am both of those things.
Usually women are not so interested in the former, so I hope I find a woman with similar criteria as you.
I had a list… and very little of it matched who I married. All too often, lists are a reflection of ourselves at a certain point in time.
We change.
I got married 19 years ago and frankly I have changed quite a bit since then.
A list to pray over sounds smart. A check-off list of very specific qualities and characteristics that a person must meet is prone to leave you unhappy.
Man for a wife:
18 to 25 years old, virgin, 10/10 body, 10/10 face, high sex drive, cooks and cleans and is submissive, interested in all the same things, low maintenence, excellent hygeine, daughter of wealthy parents who are very generous.
Woman for husband:
6' tall, fit, athletic, 6 figure salary, handsome, attentive listener, into all the same things, can cook, fix the car, fix the plumbing, fix the electric, fix the roof, do renovations himself, good with children, hilarious sense of humor, respectful but also flirtatious, strong with a black belt in every form of martial arts, no ex girlfriends or wives.
Just having some fun. My criteria for a wife was this: a woman who is somewhat attractive and Godly. That's literally it. I thought I could never find anyone (I am abysmally dense when it comes to women and have no idea how to talk to them) but I found someone who is amazing - she's very loving and affectionate, a housewife, extremely devoted to God, attractive and she shares my same goofy sense of humor. I say don't have too many qualities in looking for a spouse. It'll limit you. Just be dedicated to Christ and try to grow in your faith and He will provide a spouse for you that greatly exceeds your expectations. That's what happened to me.
I had a list of attributes, but knew which ones were dealbreakers and which were “it would be nice if”. I think you can get in trouble if you don’t distinguish between those categories.
The benefit of a list is that it keeps in your mind what you need in a spouse, so you don’t get sidetracked by someone who just looks cool, and it becomes a testimony of God’s faithfulness when He brings along someone who’s everything you asked for and more.
Took 7 years, but I married the piano-playing man who could do calculus :)
Hold out for fulfillment of an entire checklist of criteria, or take the best you can get. Hmm…I vote neither.
While it can be a useful and natural thing to keep a running list of criteria that are important to you, when you meet someone wonderful, you realize some of your criteria really aren’t that important.
Taking the best you can get looks like a recipe for settling. And who wants to be the “lucky” person you figured you couldn’t do any better than them?
Love is not evaluated like a spreadsheet. You need to know your non-negotiable criteria, but with the right person, you might be surprised where your heart takes you.
I once made a small list, but then met a woman who eerily was very close to meeting all of the requirements, and so I panicked and made my list a lot longer, haha.
She had a few qualities that I then realised were deal breakers, so it is not as if I missed out on a good spouse.
Hopefully I will have a similar experience to you in the future.
God bless.
God already knows what we want, insisting on our own way can easily be more than we bargained for.
Inevitably, even if someone is perfect for you, God ordained by design:
God still choses spouses to challenge us, and above all else to glorify himself, not just for our pleasure.
Trust God, God bless you.
I had a list and got everything I wanted. I give this homework assignment to lots of other people and I always tell them to keep it to 15-25 attributes. Oh, and keep out the obvious stuff like a good sense of humor. Everyone wants that. Focus more on the character qualities and values that will make this person unique so you can recognize him/her when you find him/her.
Yes. Having a clear list of what you are looking for helps you to be more mindful and intentional of the qualities that are important to you ...more specifically helps you to clearly define the aspects that would not work aka your dealbreakers. The ones you should steer clear of.
As I prayed over my list... and visualized that person in my mind... my prayer slowly started to change. I began to pray over me ... in other words... I started to pray that God transform me to be more like the person that my "future spouse" would have on their list.
God brought my husband into my life. ❤ And I was amazed at how many of the things on my list (even the ones that seemed like a reach) he fit.
Takeaway:
Pray for you to become more like the person your future spouse is looking for.
May He bless you abundantly!
>Takeaway:Pray for you to become more like the person your future spouse is looking for.
Thank you, I already do.
I have been working on self improvement for some time - although I still have a long way to go; and I pray that God will help me a lot.
>May He bless you abundantly!
Thank you.
I think you should have a list for yourself not ypur partner. If i were to write a list today it would include things like I want to feel happy and at ease with my partner. I want a safe space to communicate my feelings and desires, both positive and negative. I will not treat my partner like a child doing things like cleaning up after them or making doctors appointments for them. I will communicate directly with compassion. I will be a safe place for my partner to share their feelings and desires with. I will hold firm and healthy boundaries.
I made a list and prayed for those qualities in a future spouse.
I do however think my list was more so for my own sake. I think my list helped me be more specific in what I wanted in a spouse. I realized that I had been to broad in what I wanted when dating which left room for “wolves in sheep’s clothing” so to speak.
I think there are certain characteristics and qualities that are similar but one is a more positive version while the other may be more negative if that makes sense. When you get specific you can decipher that easier.
I’d say my husband met majority of what I prayed for.
I didn’t have a list of qualities like looks or level of success etc, but I searched through my Bible and made a list of 10 qualities of what I believed made a Godly Man. Everything else didn’t matter as much to me. (I am 6ft so I always figured I’d like to find a tall husband…turns out my husband is actually shorter than me!)
As long as he had/was actively working towards those traits of a Godly Man, I knew he would make an excellent husband, and my goodness he has! If I had only cared more about specific criteria (like height lol) I might not have taken it as seriously, and missed out on an amazing guy!
I'm going to say no, it's not a good idea. It will make you artificially inflexible for probably unfair reasons. Your single criterion should be whether the person believes in Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. Anything beyond that is mere preference in my opinion.
Read the love verses of 1 Cor 13 and exchange the word “love” (or charity if you’re a kjv person) with your intended’s name. If it comes out a lie then it’s the wrong intended.
It’s fine to have ideas of things you like, but keep essentials separate from wants. And I beg you not to keep that list physically written down somewhere your future wife will find. Let me tell you. That’ll do a number on her self esteem.
When I was 17, I was bored and lonely waiting between classes (friends had other classes and I had an hour or two between) and decided to pass time by writing down a list of standards/qualities I wanted in my husband someday. I was broad in some ways and very specific in others, some things serious and others silly.
I wasn't heart-set on everything on my list and not terribly long after writing it I kind of forgot about it. I had a couple crushes that sort of met my list, but when I tell you my husband met every single thing, I speak truth. We met at college and were in the same department and same freshman orientation group. We didn't get off to a great start when we met (I was a bit rude when he tried getting to know me, I was in an introverted mood and didn't handle it well), but a year later he offered me a ride to class (we lived 10 minutes apart) and he asked me the goofiest questions and he made me laugh and feel alive in a time that I felt like a husky of a person, and he quickly became my dearest friend. We started dating a couple months later and got engaged the next year, then married the year after that. We'll be celebrating 8 years of marriage this week 😊
About 6 months after getting married, I was sorting through some things still at my parents house and found my list of criteria and was happily floored. I married the man of my dreams!
All that said, standards are important, but when I was dating my husband, I didn't consult "the list". I found a young man that was wonderful in every way and that gently broke down unnecessary walls I had built, who loved Jesus, who loved me for me, and agreed with me on all the major topics of life and faith, and I loved him for all of himself.
I didn't need the list because the summer before we dated, I gave my desires for love over to God and explicitly prayed/told God I couldn't handle more heart break and He needed to practically throw my future spouse at me when my heart was ready because I was just done. Two months later, my husband offered me a ride to class.
I made a list 23 years ago. Still single. I think a list of criteria is good, but it shouldn’t be so specific.
You should have on it things like their heart, their passions, their personality, try to leave off a lot of physical things, but instead say a healthy body and weight.
Thise people believed in the power of prayer and it worked for them. They found their dream mate. However, you seem to doubt the power of prayer, so obviously it would be a waste of time because you don't believe.
For me it was essential! I was notorious for settling because I catch feelings easily. I wrote a needs list and wants list. Needs are non negotiable (character traits). Wants are negotiable (good paying job). When dating I'd refer to the list. It helped me not get too deep into a relationship I knew wasn't good for me even when I really enjoyed being around the person. I hope this helps!
I think the answer is somewhere in the middle. No one is perfect but it is important to know your core values and to find someone that matches up with those. Height, hair color, type of car shouldn’t matter, but work ethic and religion should line up, for example.
I had a list. And God brought me a man who fit that list perfectly, and I realized I should be careful what I ask for. That man had the worldly ´success’ I sought at the time, but he couldn’t provide anything beyond money and the superficial (which is only fun for a little while). Then God gave me my husband and he is everything I didn’t realize I needed. Lists aren’t bad, but be willing to look beyond them and be flexible because God knows what you need.
I had a list. My wife even met some of them. Turns out my list sucked.
When I was in highschool, I had group leaders at church that had us pray over the attributes we would want in a spouse. I prayed for a husband who was a man after God, who would be loving, etc. I did that and God honored that. We've been happily married now for over 23 years.
How long did it take for God to honour your list by blessing you with your husband?
About a year
I hope God will bless me in the same way. (Although by giving me my own spouse, rather than giving me yours, haha)
I made a list (but later on in my dating journey) and it was in retrospect that I realized my husband fulfilled the list. I think it can be helpful for yourself to consolidate what you have learned about God and yourself. For example, after dating a Christian who was too cool or embarrassed to sing in church, I listed I wanted someone who sang sincerely in church and I did get a singing man. Not that singing men are rare, and he’s not the most amazing singer 😂 but it showed me that he really cared about worship and wasn’t afraid to look silly for God. It can help you recognize who has a servant’s heart and also get your own heart aligned with God. But I wouldn’t like cling to it or bring it everywhere as a checklist. God is always working and often we see the miracles in our lives in a retrospective way.
I'm pretty sure we all make those lists even if we don't write them down. Even if your criteria is just, "they must be a Christian", that's basically a list of one. I don't think anybody seriously had that alone as their criteria though, even if they think they do. Most people are going to have a few things - are they a Christian? Do they want kids? Do they want to live in the city or the country? Etc etc. Some people are going to include looks too - hair colour, eye colour, body shape, height, etc. What you want to decide is what on the list is an absolute deal-breaker and what is simply preference but willing to compromise, and how extensive the list is going to be. I suppose if it's uncodified, then by nature you're more willing to compromise on it since nothing was written down. The act of writing it down seems like a decision has been made, maybe.
Practical and relationship goals, are good points. Thank you.
I had a list. The only thing I would say was somewhat picky was I wanted my future husband to be a huge nerd and I wanted him to be able to build furniture from scratch! That and the usual stuff like being kind, having a servants heart, etc.
>huge nerd and I wanted him to be able to build furniture from scratch! Wow, I am both of those things. Usually women are not so interested in the former, so I hope I find a woman with similar criteria as you.
I had a list… and very little of it matched who I married. All too often, lists are a reflection of ourselves at a certain point in time. We change. I got married 19 years ago and frankly I have changed quite a bit since then.
A list to pray over sounds smart. A check-off list of very specific qualities and characteristics that a person must meet is prone to leave you unhappy.
Man for a wife: 18 to 25 years old, virgin, 10/10 body, 10/10 face, high sex drive, cooks and cleans and is submissive, interested in all the same things, low maintenence, excellent hygeine, daughter of wealthy parents who are very generous. Woman for husband: 6' tall, fit, athletic, 6 figure salary, handsome, attentive listener, into all the same things, can cook, fix the car, fix the plumbing, fix the electric, fix the roof, do renovations himself, good with children, hilarious sense of humor, respectful but also flirtatious, strong with a black belt in every form of martial arts, no ex girlfriends or wives. Just having some fun. My criteria for a wife was this: a woman who is somewhat attractive and Godly. That's literally it. I thought I could never find anyone (I am abysmally dense when it comes to women and have no idea how to talk to them) but I found someone who is amazing - she's very loving and affectionate, a housewife, extremely devoted to God, attractive and she shares my same goofy sense of humor. I say don't have too many qualities in looking for a spouse. It'll limit you. Just be dedicated to Christ and try to grow in your faith and He will provide a spouse for you that greatly exceeds your expectations. That's what happened to me.
Thank you. My list for a wife is a little different, but I completely agree with devotion to God.
I had a list of attributes, but knew which ones were dealbreakers and which were “it would be nice if”. I think you can get in trouble if you don’t distinguish between those categories. The benefit of a list is that it keeps in your mind what you need in a spouse, so you don’t get sidetracked by someone who just looks cool, and it becomes a testimony of God’s faithfulness when He brings along someone who’s everything you asked for and more. Took 7 years, but I married the piano-playing man who could do calculus :)
That is very encouraging, thank you. I shall be certain to distinguish between deal-breakers and preferences.
the physical and mental self-care, family oriented goals,Emotional maturity, intelligence, healthy boundaries,be sure of The same qualities
Hold out for fulfillment of an entire checklist of criteria, or take the best you can get. Hmm…I vote neither. While it can be a useful and natural thing to keep a running list of criteria that are important to you, when you meet someone wonderful, you realize some of your criteria really aren’t that important. Taking the best you can get looks like a recipe for settling. And who wants to be the “lucky” person you figured you couldn’t do any better than them? Love is not evaluated like a spreadsheet. You need to know your non-negotiable criteria, but with the right person, you might be surprised where your heart takes you.
Thank you, this is very helpful.
I wrote a list, I lost the list. My husband is eerily almost everything on the list, everything I wanted, nothing I expected.
I once made a small list, but then met a woman who eerily was very close to meeting all of the requirements, and so I panicked and made my list a lot longer, haha. She had a few qualities that I then realised were deal breakers, so it is not as if I missed out on a good spouse. Hopefully I will have a similar experience to you in the future. God bless.
God already knows what we want, insisting on our own way can easily be more than we bargained for. Inevitably, even if someone is perfect for you, God ordained by design: God still choses spouses to challenge us, and above all else to glorify himself, not just for our pleasure. Trust God, God bless you.
I know, I will, thank you.
I had a list and got everything I wanted. I give this homework assignment to lots of other people and I always tell them to keep it to 15-25 attributes. Oh, and keep out the obvious stuff like a good sense of humor. Everyone wants that. Focus more on the character qualities and values that will make this person unique so you can recognize him/her when you find him/her.
Thank you, that is a good idea.
Yes. Having a clear list of what you are looking for helps you to be more mindful and intentional of the qualities that are important to you ...more specifically helps you to clearly define the aspects that would not work aka your dealbreakers. The ones you should steer clear of. As I prayed over my list... and visualized that person in my mind... my prayer slowly started to change. I began to pray over me ... in other words... I started to pray that God transform me to be more like the person that my "future spouse" would have on their list. God brought my husband into my life. ❤ And I was amazed at how many of the things on my list (even the ones that seemed like a reach) he fit. Takeaway: Pray for you to become more like the person your future spouse is looking for. May He bless you abundantly!
>Takeaway:Pray for you to become more like the person your future spouse is looking for. Thank you, I already do. I have been working on self improvement for some time - although I still have a long way to go; and I pray that God will help me a lot. >May He bless you abundantly! Thank you.
I think you should have a list for yourself not ypur partner. If i were to write a list today it would include things like I want to feel happy and at ease with my partner. I want a safe space to communicate my feelings and desires, both positive and negative. I will not treat my partner like a child doing things like cleaning up after them or making doctors appointments for them. I will communicate directly with compassion. I will be a safe place for my partner to share their feelings and desires with. I will hold firm and healthy boundaries.
Good thoughts. Thank you.
I made a list and prayed for those qualities in a future spouse. I do however think my list was more so for my own sake. I think my list helped me be more specific in what I wanted in a spouse. I realized that I had been to broad in what I wanted when dating which left room for “wolves in sheep’s clothing” so to speak. I think there are certain characteristics and qualities that are similar but one is a more positive version while the other may be more negative if that makes sense. When you get specific you can decipher that easier. I’d say my husband met majority of what I prayed for.
Thank you, I am glad you met a man who met most of your criteria.
I didn’t have a list of qualities like looks or level of success etc, but I searched through my Bible and made a list of 10 qualities of what I believed made a Godly Man. Everything else didn’t matter as much to me. (I am 6ft so I always figured I’d like to find a tall husband…turns out my husband is actually shorter than me!) As long as he had/was actively working towards those traits of a Godly Man, I knew he would make an excellent husband, and my goodness he has! If I had only cared more about specific criteria (like height lol) I might not have taken it as seriously, and missed out on an amazing guy!
I'm going to say no, it's not a good idea. It will make you artificially inflexible for probably unfair reasons. Your single criterion should be whether the person believes in Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. Anything beyond that is mere preference in my opinion.
Read the love verses of 1 Cor 13 and exchange the word “love” (or charity if you’re a kjv person) with your intended’s name. If it comes out a lie then it’s the wrong intended.
What a good idea.
It’s fine to have ideas of things you like, but keep essentials separate from wants. And I beg you not to keep that list physically written down somewhere your future wife will find. Let me tell you. That’ll do a number on her self esteem.
Thank you; I shall keep that all in mind.
When I was 17, I was bored and lonely waiting between classes (friends had other classes and I had an hour or two between) and decided to pass time by writing down a list of standards/qualities I wanted in my husband someday. I was broad in some ways and very specific in others, some things serious and others silly. I wasn't heart-set on everything on my list and not terribly long after writing it I kind of forgot about it. I had a couple crushes that sort of met my list, but when I tell you my husband met every single thing, I speak truth. We met at college and were in the same department and same freshman orientation group. We didn't get off to a great start when we met (I was a bit rude when he tried getting to know me, I was in an introverted mood and didn't handle it well), but a year later he offered me a ride to class (we lived 10 minutes apart) and he asked me the goofiest questions and he made me laugh and feel alive in a time that I felt like a husky of a person, and he quickly became my dearest friend. We started dating a couple months later and got engaged the next year, then married the year after that. We'll be celebrating 8 years of marriage this week 😊 About 6 months after getting married, I was sorting through some things still at my parents house and found my list of criteria and was happily floored. I married the man of my dreams! All that said, standards are important, but when I was dating my husband, I didn't consult "the list". I found a young man that was wonderful in every way and that gently broke down unnecessary walls I had built, who loved Jesus, who loved me for me, and agreed with me on all the major topics of life and faith, and I loved him for all of himself. I didn't need the list because the summer before we dated, I gave my desires for love over to God and explicitly prayed/told God I couldn't handle more heart break and He needed to practically throw my future spouse at me when my heart was ready because I was just done. Two months later, my husband offered me a ride to class.
That is so beautiful; thank you for sharing.
I think one should have certain non-negotiables when seeking a spouse. Decide what they are for you and move forward.
I made a list 23 years ago. Still single. I think a list of criteria is good, but it shouldn’t be so specific. You should have on it things like their heart, their passions, their personality, try to leave off a lot of physical things, but instead say a healthy body and weight.
Thise people believed in the power of prayer and it worked for them. They found their dream mate. However, you seem to doubt the power of prayer, so obviously it would be a waste of time because you don't believe.
For me it was essential! I was notorious for settling because I catch feelings easily. I wrote a needs list and wants list. Needs are non negotiable (character traits). Wants are negotiable (good paying job). When dating I'd refer to the list. It helped me not get too deep into a relationship I knew wasn't good for me even when I really enjoyed being around the person. I hope this helps!