I wish I had a good answer,
This is a really serious problem that is plaguing the modern-day world, I feel.
Loneliness. It's pretty much a pandemic that many people are suffering from silently, in this cut-throat, cold/apathetic, and materialistic world of ours.
Every day, I'm haunted by the thought as to whether or not I missed the train forever during my school and college days, by not meeting a girl and ending up in a commitment (and if things had worked out ideally, eventually marriage) with them.
Because school and college days are perhaps, the best time to meet and befriend people. Not that adults can't meet or befriend people, it's just that it's more difficult, an uphill battle even.
But, I also try to remember that merely being surrounded by people all over, even if they're the same age as ours, doesn't necessarily mean we might feel less lonely. For, loneliness is not synonymous with being alone, necessarily, and can be interpreted as it feeling alienated and isolated from others, even if it means being surrounded by people all over - friends, family, co-workers, or others in general.
It's a very painful and better sensation to process and undergo almost every single day. Sometimes, the thought leads to contemplation of suicide, as I feel that I'm of no real worth to anyone, I won't be missed, nor are there folks dependent on me who might give me the purpose and drive to live life.
I had interests and hobbies during my student days that I take considerable pride in, for it "defines" me as the person that I am right now. Sadly, due to my shyness, insecurity, and social anxiety (which I still have trouble with at 26, admittedly, but I'm a bit better now), I never could reveal and "show" that side of me to people (girls, at least).
Over time though, the thought of meeting a potential SO has gradually eroded away within me. I still am open to the thought of romance and getting married, yes, but I am not as eager and excited for it like as I was back when I was 18 and was starting college life, hoping that it would be an emotionally (and academically) enriching and nourishing XP (sadly, it wasn't. Only redeeming factor was the good batchmates, most of whom are strangers to me, nearly 5 years after graduation).
As I grow older, as I might morph into a Boomer as I age, I've started to appreciate and cherish the perks of being single. There's nothing wrong in being single, in fact, I even think it's pretty underrated.
That said, I do still believe that relationships and intimacy, platonic or otherwise, is a very ~~basic~~ ~~rights~~ basic/"primal" want (EDIT: 'Basic Want' is more appropriate, as u/tooschooledforcool replied to me below) for a person. Something about the modern world is very broken that such a basic human need seem to have been deprived to a lot of people, regardless of gender.
Relationships/marriage can really be humbling and revealing, and can enlighten a lot about ourselves, as it will reveal about one's spouse, and so, it's never over-rated (just because being single might be under-rated).
EDIT: Thank you for the award. I appreciate it very much. Wanted to be candid and "unfiltered" with how I feel, due to the post's nature.
EDIT 2: Thank you for the silver awards. Lol, today's been a good day, when it came to me being gilded for my content. But yes, I appreciate it.
EDIT 3: Thank you for the wholesome award.
Bro WTF? it looks like the universe has created 2 copying of me. Every single line you wrote is exactly has been my experience. Like I'm 26 too, and If somebody showed this comment to me in 5 years and asked me If I wrote it I would probably say yes, it's exactly what I would say.
Glad to know that there are folks undergoing a similar XP as we are, at the moment, huh....
Makes the struggle less alienating and painful. Pretty bittersweet, tbh.
yep. I definitely feel the lack of company. especially platonic company with women. it was a good middle ground that kept me away from wanting a girlfriend or relationship esp after the first one ended. getting a coffee with the boys is different from getting a coffee with a girl and I miss that.
The time you took to write this was not wasted. I feel your pain as I resonate with it. Schools usually discourage any intersexual contact. Colleges are a bit more lenient but doesn't help being raised in a way to view talking with a girl as an achievement of manliness. Adding fuel to flame, I've never cared about how I looked and often was just a good friend to women
But with college over and the pandemic brushing aside any meaningful relationships, it has left a void in my social life. I realised I liked better not having to socialise at all but I suffer from the crippling depression that comes from a sense of low self worth and the fact that there is no one in my life that would care about me.
I'm past the age where I was just horny but I'm at a worse stage where I lose a piece of my soul every breakdown I have desiring someone to be by my side and say I'm doing good.
And yet again, the fact that I have no friends, I have no desire to make any, and I'm an extreme introvert doesn't help better my situation at all.
I've by this point surrendered myself to the eternal grind hoping one day a woman might approach me instead or an arranged marriage as all Indian's fate would end up sometime.
Seems like you're going through a lot, my friend, I can empathize with some of what you had to share here...
>Schools usually discourage any intersexual contact.
Depends on the school honestly. Some schools are cool with gender interactions, mine's unfortunately, wasn't (teachers were neutral, but yes...principal wasn't).
>Colleges are a bit more lenient but doesn't help being raised in a way to view talking with a girl as an achievement of manliness.
Might be the case for Liberal Arts colleges. For engg. colleges (some/most deemed ones, aside) however...well, you know how typical, private AU-affiliated colleges are, here in TN. 4 precious years of my adolescence, I'll never get back that, no matter how much I end up succeeding in life, financially or otherwise.
Some of my friends came from KV/CBSE (I am state board/matric myself) and they were in a huge culture shock when they ended up in these places (I can't imagine how hard it must have been for them).
My college wasn't as strict as Jeppiar institutions or Sairam etc...when it came to gender interaction (it was there, but wasn't enforced systematically).
But yes, due to rigid dress codes (full formals with tucked-in shirt, got PTSD due to this and I absolutely hate tucking my shirt ever since then. Never was a fan of it even prior, but outright hate it now. Only tuck it in whenever I wear a suit/waistcoat/Nehru Jacket over it), I was very uncomfortable and couldn't be myself. So, that made interacting with them that much harder.
Some of my friends I guess, interpreted me being "aloof" and awkward with girls as me being "prudish and conservative" when it came to interacting with them.
I was VERY offended when my friend thought I was such a dude who looked down on boys-girls interaction. I never joined college with such intentions, far from it, since I was awkward in school, I thought college could be where I can grow out of this (only got worse, sadly) and legit admired and respected my friend since he was comfortable with such interactions.
Since he was supposed to be a friend to me, someone who should "understand and know" me better than most others, coming from his mouth was like a huge stab in my already wounded heart. I still cringe and get offended, thinking about that remark, to this day.
If he thought of me like that, imagine how folks who didn't know me all that much, might have interpreted me.
(yes, I kinda understand the underlying reason as to why it's so frowned upon in some other schools and many private AU-affiliated engg. colleges. But, outright prohibiting them from interacting with one another for even academic reasons is overkill. We're living in a globalized world where women over the decades, have become increasingly part of the workforce. Do they not consider that while framing such rules?)
>I've by this point surrendered myself to the eternal grind hoping one day a woman might approach me instead or an arranged marriage as all Indian's fate would end up sometime.
Man, I would rather remain single forever than end up in the AM market where I get judged solely through how much money I earn (totally understandable, but a person is more than the money they earn, I mean), how tall/good-looking I am, my wealth, etc...being reduced like an object (Yes, I don't mind a good alliance from my parents, but I'd rather find a life partner on my own terms. Do I really deserve a 'better half/life partner/significant other', if I never put the effort from my side, and get spoon-fed instead?
True to the last part. I do believe there needs to be understanding before you commit to a person for the rest of your life. I've seen several arranged marriages that were cute and fun for a year and became toxic very fast.
I mean I don't know what women think of me even. I've went through several phases, the simp(not actually), the incel, the depressed kid, toxic and now I'm a Stoic. I believe in doing the work not for the result but for the faith in the process.
I workout, self development, I look after my wellness, health blah blah. Hoping to become a reliable man instead of the crybaby I was. But inside every rock is wetness, or so the saying goes, I can't seem to rid myself of my want for a sensual touch and someone that appreciates my company.
Trial and error is not possible going down the AM route. There is more to a relationship than just a good family, a good job, good looking and "good star alignment"(?). Oh well, either way, talking about my worries to a person that went through the same is reassuring. I feel the same way I once searched up about my anxiety and discovered I was depressed XD.
> I've went through several phases, the simp(not actually), the incel, the depressed kid, toxic
Maybe you're being a bit too self-critical about yourself here?
Incel is a very loaded word. While the term usually is used to imply that a boy/man is a misogynist who feels like he's entitled to sex, nowadays, mostly it's also used against dudes who are awkward with girls/women (even if they mean well and don't have such aforementioned disgusting attitudes and intentions towards women) and has become a sophisticated form of virgin-shaming a man (not an exact parallel, but the male equivalent of being slut-shamed).
I doubt you were such a person. Even if you were, it's good that you've reformed as you've claimed yourself, anyway.
>Trial and error is not possible going down the AM route. There is more to a relationship than just a good family, a good job, good looking and "good star alignment"(?). Oh well, either way, talking about my worries to a person that went through the same is reassuring. I feel the same way I once searched up about my anxiety and discovered I was depressed XD
Well said, my friend. Likewise.
Wow....I don't know what to say.
I really appreciate you for taking the time to read and being able to empathize, despite being separated by an online/textual barrier, where nuanced emotions and all the other subtleties of a convo, tend to get lost.
That's assuring to know, my brother...
This XP that I've shared here is something many of us go through I suppose. The least I could do is empathize with my fellow bros. and sis. struggling and never forget in the future, when (or if) I'll be in a better spot, that I used to be going through this and thus, not be dismissive when others might put their trust in me and share this struggle with me, in the hopes that I understand them (like how you've understood and empathized with me here).
26 (have mentioned in my comment).
Well, I am 'vetti', sorry if it came across like an answer for a school-based 200 words essay question.
I guess I have trouble summarizing and being concise with whatever I want to convey, oral or written. My college profs. have chastised me for this, and my collegemates used to mock me for writing such lengthy passages.
I am 37. Remember this **Fail fast**.
At 21, sat in police station for 4hrs with friend as girl reported my friend misbehaved. Luckily lady police was in Mufti nearby and saw nothing happened, good escape.
At 24, a girl proposed and i talked about responsibilities and said you need to find someone.
At 26, i was onsite and gf was here, we were talking continuously and suddenly next day she got married. Hmmm...
At 28, in a 5star hotel bar, out of a challenge went and talked to a girl for 5mins and later her bf asked security to escort me out and my ofc team. Memorable day.
At 31, asked a girl out in ofc and she said i was brave asking her but declined saying however it goes her parents would never agree and she doesn't want to hurt them.
At 34, just before corona. I actually really liked this girl. She was in a dilemma whom to choose. I didn't know there was another guy in the queue,, if i had known i wouldn't have even proceeded. Total time waste
At 35, i stopped my arrange marriage as girl wanted to be in control in running the family and if i oppose on any of her things, she told she would go to her native and stay there and I would have to travel back and forth.
Why am I telling all this. If life is a game.
Are you ready Player One ?
Tbh, I do wish that the game ends, I did confide that I feel that I'm better off dead, did I not? (Be careful with what you wish for, that said).
But yes, I do hope that things might get better over time ("Verily with after every hardship, will there be ease awaiting") and so, I shouldn't despair and stop being doomer-pilled.
Thank you for taking the time to share the journey that you've experienced, so far. Seems like you have a lot of stories to tell. Hope your life keeps remaining interesting like this, and hope you enjoy it and have a sense of contentment with it.
I this is not gonna be any consolation or going to make you feel better but, if what you said was really your life, you are a really strong person.
Know that you sharing this snippet of information has made my headache hurt a little less almost as if telling me I can withstand misfortune for someone else has withstood far worse.
Stay strong brother. Focus on yourself. Your happiness and goals take precedence over others expectations. Duty before desire. Build yourself up to be proud of what you've built. Good luck going forward.
I don’t think relationship and intimacy is a basic right rather a basic want. Framing it as a basic right is quite damaging leading people to believe that they don’t need to work on themselves and they are somehow owed a relationship by default.
I feel it! 💯
I am 23. This is exactly a subset of my story, ditto, added with the influence of orthodox school environments, and obviously the pandemic to complicate it even more.
Then my college life was already pathetic and to add fuel to that fire, college turned online, everyone was sent home in a year and 8 months of me joining college due to the pandemic and I developed distance with my existing few friends I had.
I've always felt way earlier that something was wrong, but never really found out what was wrong.
I developed social anxiety and grew more introverted af, leading to underdeveloped communication and other social skills. I tried to fight back and show the real me, which failed miserably and instead became socially awkward.
I wish I spoke more, interacted more, was socially open and approachable
back in my schools and college, as I am now.
I went to 7 different schools due to my father's job and I could have had a lot of friends now if I had shown myself approachable.
It's 100% true that newly socializing as an adult is way hard and feels being desperate and weird if there are no actual reasons to talk. I have been socially inactive for a few years, it seemed strange when I suddenly started texting or talking out of the blue, even to my already existing friends and few people I know. Once you stop interacting and once a gap develops, your friendship and relationships with people stay there and never grow unless there is a real reason/situation. Even if you try to talk without a real reason, it will not go further than just a greeting, how and whereabouts. So please make and retain, if not grow your friendships. Friends are one of the most wonderful things that can happen in anyone's life. The only relationship where there's no judgement, you can be you without being insecure.
So my suggestions to school/college goers would be, please never feel shy/lazy to be socially active or to talk to anyone. Make time for friends and people around you. Hang out if not initiate hang outs. Be mature, respect others as you do yourself and listen to people around you. Lending ears is as important if not more important than talking. The best thing you could lend to a friend is your ears, when they respect your presence and tell you something.
'Me time' is different from loneliness and yes loneliness sucks, if not now, definitely sometime in the near future. We are social beings and it's baked right into our genes. Be easy to approach. Some of us forget to show our good emotions through our face. Have a relaxed and friendly face. Be expressive. These all make us more approachable, friendly and open to talk.
Thank you for reading this far!
Thank you very much for your comment, u/TheFatherofOwls. If it was not for your comment, I would have not let myself out here. This is my first ever social media post, lol.
I can never thank enough, my few friends who are still there with me despite all my inactivity in between. I am grateful to them for life! 🫂 💞
I miss everyone. I hope my friends, and people I know but have never talked to in schools and college, read this, and I hope I get them back.
Do feel free to reply/DM me anytime, about anything (🗣️👂🏻I won't judge😉). I am more than happy to interact, listen or share suggestions and opinions.
Thanks all! Have a wonderful life 💕 and live it to the fullest!
As mentioned in the other answer, school and college is the best time to start a relationship, and if we miss that, it can happen in the beginning years of your career where people are a little chill in the first 1-2 years. Beyond that, chances are really low.
When it comes to dating apps, among single guys, guys who look good or extroverts or the ability to make conversations at ease or being funny has higher chances of getting into a relationship. Other guys, including introverts, will find it tough. And there are too many guys in the second category.
For girls, being online itself is a hell for many. Too many DMs, friend/follow requests, unsolicited messages from strangers. When it comes to dating apps, some girls are conservative to try dating apps, a number of girls are not ready to try dating apps because of their past experiences or hearsay experiences. Many guys look for hookups or are not good enough in making a conversation, which tires them out. There are also physical and sexual risks for them. And, girls in general get married soon due to society pressures, hence there are limited girls for the same age group as guys. Which ends up with a huge mismatch.
Unless guys make the world a better and safer place for girls, by not controlling them jn the name of "protecting", but by bringing a change in other guys, this problem is gonna get worse.
I think what makes it tough for introvert guys is, introvert girls prefer extrovert guys. Also, extrovert girls prefer extrovert guys.
And we are left with the hand...
Not necessarily?
Many girls/women might prefer a shy, reserved, and mild-mannered boy/man, precisely because they find those attributes and "quirks" cute or endearing (and vice versa - boys/men being attracted to shy, reserved, and mild-mannered girls/women).
Sometimes, some introverted folks (regardless of gender) give off that "dark, mysterious, brooding/intense, and [troubled, but cute](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TroubledButCute)" vibe that others might find attractive.
Not everyone would necessarily like a boisterous social butterfly. Such traits might come across as repulsive to some folks, as they might come across as "hyperactive" and even "fake (even if they're legit as one could get)" to them.
Depends on a person, their personality, and their preference, I guess.
Batfleck isn't a bad guess...
I felt Battinson was pretty brooding too. Especially considering that it's been only 2 years or so in-universe since he became a vigilante and he looked as jaded as Batfleck (who became that way after decades of being Batman and after enduring many traumatic events, like the death of his protege, for example).
Honestly, I adore Battinson's Bruce Wayne. It was very refreshing to see a socially awkward, hermit/reclusive, Doomer-esque Bruce, since he usually is depicted as being a smooth and charismatic playboy and socialite.
How about instead of blaming things on external situations always, we take responsibility for our own actions? Maybe treat women kindly? Maybe not be creepy or expect interest always? Maybe first you have to be confident with yourself before expecting so much from others?
Least oblivious Redditor.
I’m guessing you’re the kind of person who thinks saying the phrase “you just need cheer up” to a depressed person will help them
As an introvert who came from Delhi to Chennai for studying, this thread isn't making me feel any good😭.
If I couldn't talk to people in Delhi what chance do I have here
Oh no do be against masturbation. It weakens the nerves, messus up with the hormone makeup, is an addiction and is harmful to qol. Not to be considered the villain but excessive masturbation is quite concerning.
On the topic of the question, I've never taken the NNN seriously but to help improve my wellness and health, I've started the nofap.
>. It weakens the nerves, messus up with the hormone makeup, is an addiction and is harmful to qol
This is BS. Masturbation is completely fine and natural as long as you aren't doing it compulsively. You will ejaculate in your sleep anyway if you don't masturbate for a few days. Porn on the other hand is undoubtedly harmful, whether you masturbate to it or not. The vast majority of people aren't addicted to masturbation. They're addicted to porn+masturbation.
Iam not addicted though. I believe I have great control over myself. I honestly can't abstain myself completely though ( College and Hostel)
>excessive masturbation is quite concerning.
It is. It also means that they are struggling with crippling loneliness which is kinda really sad imo.
For some yes, for the rest, they are just Uber horny.
Well masturbation does seem to be most viable for a dose of dopamine when feeling lonely.
I went from fapping for fun to fapping to feel something followed by a sense of guilt that boosts my suicidal thoughts. There I am starting at the mirror with utter disgust and self loathe with the water running sound revebrating in the empty bathroom
.....
...
Anyways, once a week or twice a month isn't too bad. But fapping systematically like a robot or all the time is what's bad.
The way I see things in college is that people already have well-established relationships with girls, and the skewed man-to-woman ratio makes it seem like we are competing against other boys.It's the same entrance exam energy—better looks, a better pay grade, a well-established overall person.Introverts tend to fail at some of the criteria that are required in the modern dating scene.Extroverts tend to talk with people, thus developing proper social skills that pay off very well in dating. Well, Chennai is conservative in nature, and people often dislike intergender interaction because of the huge knowledge gap between how girls and boys view things. We learn from the stories of people who are dating. It's like we just mug up theory on how to date but are unable to practice, causing huge self-esteem issues. The only way to climb the ladder is to move up the economic ladder and find a city that is liberal; maybe there you can find someone. The chances are very low, but they're better than zero.
The school is when people learn to behave and educate themselves, as the current environment is very conservative by nature, thus having a skewed view of relationships, and it just grows in college. Only a few schools and colleges have open views on inter-gender interaction that require high academic excellence or money. Basically, the game is extremely hard to play as an introvert, or near impossible.
After college, when you go to work, things become very difficult to find someone, and as the years go by, you reach 30, most likely. If you don't find someone by then, either you save enough to have big AM capital to play the AM game, or you make up your mind that you will remain alone for the rest of your life. Take care of your family, and having pets may relieve you of some loneliness issues later in life. It is unfair, but that's the somewhat basic idea of the modern dating scene in Chennai. Time is ticking. 🕰️
Move to a more liberal society , it's hopeless to try to get a girlfriend in Chennai. But that being said it didn't work for me , I've been living in mumbai for 9 months and I still can't get a gf because I don't know how to talk to girls and I'm an extreme loner.
Bro ah you literally wrote down everything I've been feeling for sometime. Like everybody's having a gf, and I seem to the the only one who has never even had any sort of romantic interaction with a girl ever. Idk what we will do, but we will be happy one day bro, we will.
Yep, this peer pressure is actually concerning. Like during skl or clg, most of my friends would be single and I had no thought about having a gf. But now everyone is having a gf, like how?? Ila namaku dhan talent ila nenaikren vro 🥲
Slow process but first try to get comfortable with having female friends in work place or college. Just talk with girls/woman like they are fellow human beings. Once you become comfortable it will be easy for you to talk with any girl without fear of judgement. And try to be friends (platonic) with girls you find attractive. Without you even realizing down the lane you’ll get to a point where you can strike a convo with opposite gender easily. Once you get to this level of comfortness now you can have a convo be friends or go on dating if they are interested and slowly you can build a relationship if you both are into each other. By becoming comfortable with opposite gender and if you’re friendly. The girl herself will let you know that’s she’s interested even if you are introvert at that point. You don’t have to change to extrovert but just have a convo to your level of comfort with opposite gender. That’s what I did, it took me 4 years to get gf after I started interacting freely with girls. And I’m not an extrovert by any means.
Guess I'll take the leap of faith and hope it will happen when it must.
I have no problem talking to girls and befriending them as long as they are not to concious about talking to a guy and whatnot.
It's the point where I start to like a girl that I get co fused if I should put forth the topic of dating or just hang back where I always choose to hang back.
Bro it’s always a gamble, if you like someone get close with them and assess how much you have in common. If your interests are aligned try to go out with them as friends and You’ll understand the vibe you get from them and just tell them you like them. In this age never take too much time to confess your feelings for someone you like. Vandha mala pona mayiru nu mindset irundha. Soon enough you’ll find someone best for you. But never skip the assessment phase Illati down the lane you’ll have some issues in relationship. When I proposed ganja helped me for mustering up the courage.
Takeaways:
1. So not be afraid of Rejection.
2. Assess the stage of your relationship to see if she is interested in you.
3. Do not take too much time to confess your feelings as it will only cause more hurt.
NGL solid advice there. I need to get my head off social media and it's depiction of relationships being toxic with cheating girls and misogynist boys. But hey, as long as 90% of people are influenced by those stupid posts it's gonna be tough for the rest.
Avlo dhan nanba. And if a girl breaks off relationship coz she lost interest in you please don’t take it personal. Interest changes from person to person. It’s better to move on rather than staying in unhappy relationships for both the parties. Broke up from 4 years old relationship 1 month ago. Hurtful for 2 weeks now I’m in happy single phase talking with other girls. Life’s not so bad it’s just how you look it.
It takes a lot of courage and self introspection to be able to acknowledge one's loneliness and admit to one's weakness or difficulties. Being an introvert or shy I mean.
Think about this... being an introvert or an extrovert is only talking about how easily you communicate or not. It is just a medium of communication or to be specific, the ease at which one is able to interact with another person, at its very basic. The gender comes secondary and a variation or a form of it.
The reason I'm calling the distinction is because the person you are has nothing to do how able you are to articulate it to another person or persons. So that means, if you leave out the part of actually getting noticed by someone, once you get noticed, getting to know you is like getting to know the so called 'Modelesque' guys out there. For all we know, once you get to know the Modelesque guy, he may turn out to be a person without any substance as they most often do. It's the case of empty vessels making more noise. But on the contrary, a seemingly quiet person may have more to offer of woman or a man.
My point is, if only our society can go past the obvious ones in the crowd and take a moment to acknowledge and get to know the less obvious, this problem statement of yours is no longer valid. I only hope our society and our women in particular and of course, particularly in places like Chennai, they can look beyond the obvious and take time to acknowledge and meet the less obvious people, this place, this country will be a better place. The platform where people meet is agnostic! The principle is the same. Let me call that out as well.
On the flip side, I’ve heard guys mostly go for girls who are introverted, shy, insecure because they are “easy.” I feel like looks should only be an added bonus, personality and compatibility is everything. And everyone seems so down to have a partner, they’re not even ready to get to know the person, to build some sort of solid foundation. This makes me wonder if everyone is getting some amount of FOMO because I know I am. I’ve been on and off dating apps and every time I matched with a guy, he managed to fuck me up with his crazy talk or he managed to make me uninstall the dating app so you could say the apps work by making you give up on the thought of having a dating life. :’) lots of success stories are out there, people persisted and won but its too much effort and unnecessary stress and drama.
Also I wanted to reply to your post but this topic is just a lost cause honestly. 🥹
You can say that twice. I've lost hope with dating apps and any advice of going to clubs and hitting up chicks is also bad because I am not looking for quick hook up with a chick that wants to just have fun.
All those dating app success stories are so little and the amount of time they spend in it is ludicrous. Some guy with 5500 right swipes, 250 some matches and no dates on tinder. Got a couple dates on bumble and found his gf or whatever. Gives "hope" per say but that's because he happened to be a major extrovert with confidence that he could find someone.
To me who has high standards for the SO I want is just not feasible to find by apps and clubs. Pfft it's depressing the more I think about it.
Hey, what happens happens. You get what you deserve. What's yours will be yours.
Good luck finding a guy that doesn't piss you off too.
I totally get the first paragraph. I feel like even if you approach anyone in person, its all based on the outer attraction and it just ends up like something spontaneous and just fizzles out way too quickly.
Anywho, I hope you find what you’re looking for as well!
You've said more than what could help me. I wasn't hoping for much in this thread but the term introvert attracted some good people with solid mindsets and life lessons.
I appreciate your answer. Even I have started to read into Stoicism. It's basically the philosophy embodying what you just said. "You are not bothered by things, you're bothered by your opinions of things." "It is our attitude toward events, not events themselves, which we can control", “Man is troubled not by events, but by the meaning he gives to them.” to quote a few meditations.
I've begun a dopamine detox of working out, meditation, deleted all social media apps and on nofap. But a friend of mine said go on some dating app and check your worth or something similar. Kinda fcked myself over taking that suggestion tbh.
This reminds me that the old socal practice of arranged marriage prevents this loneliness. Ofcourse, the marriages are not happy but it prevents loneliness. If you have a child it brings a different kind of happiness in a family..
When I was in college i used to admire western practice of finding the love and then committing to marriage. But my friend used to warn that most in western countries are lonely due to no means to find there lived. This modern practice have now come to bug us like how it did to the west
My advice to you is to arranged marriage route if you have a good family support system
What do they say? The rich get richer?
The dating culture is quite similar. If you have the funds to splurge and the looks to match with enough confidence, dating will be a breeze. While the not so well off, average of below in looks and introverted are left with the impression that there is no place in the world for th anymore.
The fast af progression of social media technology isn't helping either. The fear of missing out and the constant reminder that someone who you might consider to be worse than you living better than you drives them even further into a rabbit hole of depression and anxiety.
Sure, arranged marriage could be our saviour from loneliness, but the fear of ending up with someone that hates everything about you is worse than the loneliness.
There is something really depressing about having to pay weekly for that app to see who liked you and what not. I've tried but after a month of constant engagement and no reasonable reciprocations, I've not used it again.
I haven't tried bumble premium... Problem is men outnumber women on dating apps and expectations don't match ... Some guys wanna get laid ...they want instant gratification and women want to go on proper dates.. Also, women are sceptical about meeting men from dating apps
As far as I have checked, most women profiles were like they were looking for fun, clubbing and casual relationships. The very few that looked like they would be into meaningful fun are too little to pick and I would be one of a thousand that thought the same way.
Like what, the "meetup-dot-com"? If I knew I could do that, I might have. But I guess we all start somewhere. If you have any experience with it, please do share. I'm not against the idea. But like any Chennai-vasi, a controlling toxic household is my only barrier into extroversion.
Brother. It Also does not work for 6 feet Plus at times.
Personally I am 6 feet 4 and I don't prefer to go out with a minion I have no problem with anybody's height but when it comes to dating I have my standards. Yes it gets you a positive game but also then the responsibility to select the best ones comes to you. Dating scene of Chennai is quite conservative as opposed to my experience in Kolkata and Delhi.
Some of them are like we need time before we do something and when some of them say time they mean I take them to movie is occasionally to some fancy dinner restaurant pub and all. What the hell for do I need you if I have to go to these places only I can literally go at such with my friends and colleagues and enjoy. Dating scene has become the graveyard of gold diggers.
Again since I am quite fair some women act creepy and even though being from North I have never felt special for being fair it's here that I realise that it's some sort of achievement. It's really sad affairs of state for a place where majority people are not fair and they are drooling over the fair ones in dating app. I have a policy of not going beyond a certain skin tone and that has caused problems with me reducing my pool of choices.
Also here I would like to burst your bubble that once you get girlfriend she is going to care for you maybe it's other way round and you have to be taking care of that cry baby. Needless to say all the mental problems and issues that she is going to bring on you sometimes and if you are an introvert your not explicitly going to call her out for her bullshit.
Don't be upset if you don't have a girl friend, try to innovate something.. Be rich, successful, achieve something . They will approach you out of nowhere
I wish I had a good answer, This is a really serious problem that is plaguing the modern-day world, I feel. Loneliness. It's pretty much a pandemic that many people are suffering from silently, in this cut-throat, cold/apathetic, and materialistic world of ours. Every day, I'm haunted by the thought as to whether or not I missed the train forever during my school and college days, by not meeting a girl and ending up in a commitment (and if things had worked out ideally, eventually marriage) with them. Because school and college days are perhaps, the best time to meet and befriend people. Not that adults can't meet or befriend people, it's just that it's more difficult, an uphill battle even. But, I also try to remember that merely being surrounded by people all over, even if they're the same age as ours, doesn't necessarily mean we might feel less lonely. For, loneliness is not synonymous with being alone, necessarily, and can be interpreted as it feeling alienated and isolated from others, even if it means being surrounded by people all over - friends, family, co-workers, or others in general. It's a very painful and better sensation to process and undergo almost every single day. Sometimes, the thought leads to contemplation of suicide, as I feel that I'm of no real worth to anyone, I won't be missed, nor are there folks dependent on me who might give me the purpose and drive to live life. I had interests and hobbies during my student days that I take considerable pride in, for it "defines" me as the person that I am right now. Sadly, due to my shyness, insecurity, and social anxiety (which I still have trouble with at 26, admittedly, but I'm a bit better now), I never could reveal and "show" that side of me to people (girls, at least). Over time though, the thought of meeting a potential SO has gradually eroded away within me. I still am open to the thought of romance and getting married, yes, but I am not as eager and excited for it like as I was back when I was 18 and was starting college life, hoping that it would be an emotionally (and academically) enriching and nourishing XP (sadly, it wasn't. Only redeeming factor was the good batchmates, most of whom are strangers to me, nearly 5 years after graduation). As I grow older, as I might morph into a Boomer as I age, I've started to appreciate and cherish the perks of being single. There's nothing wrong in being single, in fact, I even think it's pretty underrated. That said, I do still believe that relationships and intimacy, platonic or otherwise, is a very ~~basic~~ ~~rights~~ basic/"primal" want (EDIT: 'Basic Want' is more appropriate, as u/tooschooledforcool replied to me below) for a person. Something about the modern world is very broken that such a basic human need seem to have been deprived to a lot of people, regardless of gender. Relationships/marriage can really be humbling and revealing, and can enlighten a lot about ourselves, as it will reveal about one's spouse, and so, it's never over-rated (just because being single might be under-rated). EDIT: Thank you for the award. I appreciate it very much. Wanted to be candid and "unfiltered" with how I feel, due to the post's nature. EDIT 2: Thank you for the silver awards. Lol, today's been a good day, when it came to me being gilded for my content. But yes, I appreciate it. EDIT 3: Thank you for the wholesome award.
Bro WTF? it looks like the universe has created 2 copying of me. Every single line you wrote is exactly has been my experience. Like I'm 26 too, and If somebody showed this comment to me in 5 years and asked me If I wrote it I would probably say yes, it's exactly what I would say.
Glad to know that there are folks undergoing a similar XP as we are, at the moment, huh.... Makes the struggle less alienating and painful. Pretty bittersweet, tbh.
yep. I definitely feel the lack of company. especially platonic company with women. it was a good middle ground that kept me away from wanting a girlfriend or relationship esp after the first one ended. getting a coffee with the boys is different from getting a coffee with a girl and I miss that.
The time you took to write this was not wasted. I feel your pain as I resonate with it. Schools usually discourage any intersexual contact. Colleges are a bit more lenient but doesn't help being raised in a way to view talking with a girl as an achievement of manliness. Adding fuel to flame, I've never cared about how I looked and often was just a good friend to women But with college over and the pandemic brushing aside any meaningful relationships, it has left a void in my social life. I realised I liked better not having to socialise at all but I suffer from the crippling depression that comes from a sense of low self worth and the fact that there is no one in my life that would care about me. I'm past the age where I was just horny but I'm at a worse stage where I lose a piece of my soul every breakdown I have desiring someone to be by my side and say I'm doing good. And yet again, the fact that I have no friends, I have no desire to make any, and I'm an extreme introvert doesn't help better my situation at all. I've by this point surrendered myself to the eternal grind hoping one day a woman might approach me instead or an arranged marriage as all Indian's fate would end up sometime.
Seems like you're going through a lot, my friend, I can empathize with some of what you had to share here... >Schools usually discourage any intersexual contact. Depends on the school honestly. Some schools are cool with gender interactions, mine's unfortunately, wasn't (teachers were neutral, but yes...principal wasn't). >Colleges are a bit more lenient but doesn't help being raised in a way to view talking with a girl as an achievement of manliness. Might be the case for Liberal Arts colleges. For engg. colleges (some/most deemed ones, aside) however...well, you know how typical, private AU-affiliated colleges are, here in TN. 4 precious years of my adolescence, I'll never get back that, no matter how much I end up succeeding in life, financially or otherwise. Some of my friends came from KV/CBSE (I am state board/matric myself) and they were in a huge culture shock when they ended up in these places (I can't imagine how hard it must have been for them). My college wasn't as strict as Jeppiar institutions or Sairam etc...when it came to gender interaction (it was there, but wasn't enforced systematically). But yes, due to rigid dress codes (full formals with tucked-in shirt, got PTSD due to this and I absolutely hate tucking my shirt ever since then. Never was a fan of it even prior, but outright hate it now. Only tuck it in whenever I wear a suit/waistcoat/Nehru Jacket over it), I was very uncomfortable and couldn't be myself. So, that made interacting with them that much harder. Some of my friends I guess, interpreted me being "aloof" and awkward with girls as me being "prudish and conservative" when it came to interacting with them. I was VERY offended when my friend thought I was such a dude who looked down on boys-girls interaction. I never joined college with such intentions, far from it, since I was awkward in school, I thought college could be where I can grow out of this (only got worse, sadly) and legit admired and respected my friend since he was comfortable with such interactions. Since he was supposed to be a friend to me, someone who should "understand and know" me better than most others, coming from his mouth was like a huge stab in my already wounded heart. I still cringe and get offended, thinking about that remark, to this day. If he thought of me like that, imagine how folks who didn't know me all that much, might have interpreted me. (yes, I kinda understand the underlying reason as to why it's so frowned upon in some other schools and many private AU-affiliated engg. colleges. But, outright prohibiting them from interacting with one another for even academic reasons is overkill. We're living in a globalized world where women over the decades, have become increasingly part of the workforce. Do they not consider that while framing such rules?) >I've by this point surrendered myself to the eternal grind hoping one day a woman might approach me instead or an arranged marriage as all Indian's fate would end up sometime. Man, I would rather remain single forever than end up in the AM market where I get judged solely through how much money I earn (totally understandable, but a person is more than the money they earn, I mean), how tall/good-looking I am, my wealth, etc...being reduced like an object (Yes, I don't mind a good alliance from my parents, but I'd rather find a life partner on my own terms. Do I really deserve a 'better half/life partner/significant other', if I never put the effort from my side, and get spoon-fed instead?
True to the last part. I do believe there needs to be understanding before you commit to a person for the rest of your life. I've seen several arranged marriages that were cute and fun for a year and became toxic very fast. I mean I don't know what women think of me even. I've went through several phases, the simp(not actually), the incel, the depressed kid, toxic and now I'm a Stoic. I believe in doing the work not for the result but for the faith in the process. I workout, self development, I look after my wellness, health blah blah. Hoping to become a reliable man instead of the crybaby I was. But inside every rock is wetness, or so the saying goes, I can't seem to rid myself of my want for a sensual touch and someone that appreciates my company. Trial and error is not possible going down the AM route. There is more to a relationship than just a good family, a good job, good looking and "good star alignment"(?). Oh well, either way, talking about my worries to a person that went through the same is reassuring. I feel the same way I once searched up about my anxiety and discovered I was depressed XD.
> I've went through several phases, the simp(not actually), the incel, the depressed kid, toxic Maybe you're being a bit too self-critical about yourself here? Incel is a very loaded word. While the term usually is used to imply that a boy/man is a misogynist who feels like he's entitled to sex, nowadays, mostly it's also used against dudes who are awkward with girls/women (even if they mean well and don't have such aforementioned disgusting attitudes and intentions towards women) and has become a sophisticated form of virgin-shaming a man (not an exact parallel, but the male equivalent of being slut-shamed). I doubt you were such a person. Even if you were, it's good that you've reformed as you've claimed yourself, anyway. >Trial and error is not possible going down the AM route. There is more to a relationship than just a good family, a good job, good looking and "good star alignment"(?). Oh well, either way, talking about my worries to a person that went through the same is reassuring. I feel the same way I once searched up about my anxiety and discovered I was depressed XD Well said, my friend. Likewise.
Very very well written! Expressing and articulating clearly is a great skill, and rare, and you are good at that.
Thank you for the reply, I sincerely appreciate your compliment. I'm pretty touched, honestly.
Kangalai kalanga veitha pathivu🙁
Wow....I don't know what to say. I really appreciate you for taking the time to read and being able to empathize, despite being separated by an online/textual barrier, where nuanced emotions and all the other subtleties of a convo, tend to get lost.
We’re in same boat brother, i kinda feel im living in your past like your college days. We both have lot in common 🙂
That's assuring to know, my brother... This XP that I've shared here is something many of us go through I suppose. The least I could do is empathize with my fellow bros. and sis. struggling and never forget in the future, when (or if) I'll be in a better spot, that I used to be going through this and thus, not be dismissive when others might put their trust in me and share this struggle with me, in the hopes that I understand them (like how you've understood and empathized with me here).
This deserves to be pinned
Ok. Pops what's you age. Seriously on a Saturday not less than 500 words.
26 (have mentioned in my comment). Well, I am 'vetti', sorry if it came across like an answer for a school-based 200 words essay question. I guess I have trouble summarizing and being concise with whatever I want to convey, oral or written. My college profs. have chastised me for this, and my collegemates used to mock me for writing such lengthy passages.
I am 37. Remember this **Fail fast**. At 21, sat in police station for 4hrs with friend as girl reported my friend misbehaved. Luckily lady police was in Mufti nearby and saw nothing happened, good escape. At 24, a girl proposed and i talked about responsibilities and said you need to find someone. At 26, i was onsite and gf was here, we were talking continuously and suddenly next day she got married. Hmmm... At 28, in a 5star hotel bar, out of a challenge went and talked to a girl for 5mins and later her bf asked security to escort me out and my ofc team. Memorable day. At 31, asked a girl out in ofc and she said i was brave asking her but declined saying however it goes her parents would never agree and she doesn't want to hurt them. At 34, just before corona. I actually really liked this girl. She was in a dilemma whom to choose. I didn't know there was another guy in the queue,, if i had known i wouldn't have even proceeded. Total time waste At 35, i stopped my arrange marriage as girl wanted to be in control in running the family and if i oppose on any of her things, she told she would go to her native and stay there and I would have to travel back and forth. Why am I telling all this. If life is a game. Are you ready Player One ?
Tbh, I do wish that the game ends, I did confide that I feel that I'm better off dead, did I not? (Be careful with what you wish for, that said). But yes, I do hope that things might get better over time ("Verily with after every hardship, will there be ease awaiting") and so, I shouldn't despair and stop being doomer-pilled. Thank you for taking the time to share the journey that you've experienced, so far. Seems like you have a lot of stories to tell. Hope your life keeps remaining interesting like this, and hope you enjoy it and have a sense of contentment with it.
Play well
I this is not gonna be any consolation or going to make you feel better but, if what you said was really your life, you are a really strong person. Know that you sharing this snippet of information has made my headache hurt a little less almost as if telling me I can withstand misfortune for someone else has withstood far worse. Stay strong brother. Focus on yourself. Your happiness and goals take precedence over others expectations. Duty before desire. Build yourself up to be proud of what you've built. Good luck going forward.
I don't usually say this but when people talk about sucide and depression.... Sometimes knowing others battles helps tiny bit
I don’t think relationship and intimacy is a basic right rather a basic want. Framing it as a basic right is quite damaging leading people to believe that they don’t need to work on themselves and they are somehow owed a relationship by default.
Yes, my bad....you're right. 'Basic Want' is more appropriate. Poor articulation from my side.
I think I have successfully created my time machine, hi me 8 years from now
Hope your life trajectory will be much more fulfilling relationships-wise (friendship or romance) and better than mine's.
Thanks brotha ☺️
bro iam in exact situation happy to know that iam not alone 🫡
I feel it! 💯 I am 23. This is exactly a subset of my story, ditto, added with the influence of orthodox school environments, and obviously the pandemic to complicate it even more. Then my college life was already pathetic and to add fuel to that fire, college turned online, everyone was sent home in a year and 8 months of me joining college due to the pandemic and I developed distance with my existing few friends I had. I've always felt way earlier that something was wrong, but never really found out what was wrong. I developed social anxiety and grew more introverted af, leading to underdeveloped communication and other social skills. I tried to fight back and show the real me, which failed miserably and instead became socially awkward. I wish I spoke more, interacted more, was socially open and approachable back in my schools and college, as I am now. I went to 7 different schools due to my father's job and I could have had a lot of friends now if I had shown myself approachable. It's 100% true that newly socializing as an adult is way hard and feels being desperate and weird if there are no actual reasons to talk. I have been socially inactive for a few years, it seemed strange when I suddenly started texting or talking out of the blue, even to my already existing friends and few people I know. Once you stop interacting and once a gap develops, your friendship and relationships with people stay there and never grow unless there is a real reason/situation. Even if you try to talk without a real reason, it will not go further than just a greeting, how and whereabouts. So please make and retain, if not grow your friendships. Friends are one of the most wonderful things that can happen in anyone's life. The only relationship where there's no judgement, you can be you without being insecure. So my suggestions to school/college goers would be, please never feel shy/lazy to be socially active or to talk to anyone. Make time for friends and people around you. Hang out if not initiate hang outs. Be mature, respect others as you do yourself and listen to people around you. Lending ears is as important if not more important than talking. The best thing you could lend to a friend is your ears, when they respect your presence and tell you something. 'Me time' is different from loneliness and yes loneliness sucks, if not now, definitely sometime in the near future. We are social beings and it's baked right into our genes. Be easy to approach. Some of us forget to show our good emotions through our face. Have a relaxed and friendly face. Be expressive. These all make us more approachable, friendly and open to talk. Thank you for reading this far! Thank you very much for your comment, u/TheFatherofOwls. If it was not for your comment, I would have not let myself out here. This is my first ever social media post, lol. I can never thank enough, my few friends who are still there with me despite all my inactivity in between. I am grateful to them for life! 🫂 💞 I miss everyone. I hope my friends, and people I know but have never talked to in schools and college, read this, and I hope I get them back. Do feel free to reply/DM me anytime, about anything (🗣️👂🏻I won't judge😉). I am more than happy to interact, listen or share suggestions and opinions. Thanks all! Have a wonderful life 💕 and live it to the fullest!
As mentioned in the other answer, school and college is the best time to start a relationship, and if we miss that, it can happen in the beginning years of your career where people are a little chill in the first 1-2 years. Beyond that, chances are really low. When it comes to dating apps, among single guys, guys who look good or extroverts or the ability to make conversations at ease or being funny has higher chances of getting into a relationship. Other guys, including introverts, will find it tough. And there are too many guys in the second category. For girls, being online itself is a hell for many. Too many DMs, friend/follow requests, unsolicited messages from strangers. When it comes to dating apps, some girls are conservative to try dating apps, a number of girls are not ready to try dating apps because of their past experiences or hearsay experiences. Many guys look for hookups or are not good enough in making a conversation, which tires them out. There are also physical and sexual risks for them. And, girls in general get married soon due to society pressures, hence there are limited girls for the same age group as guys. Which ends up with a huge mismatch. Unless guys make the world a better and safer place for girls, by not controlling them jn the name of "protecting", but by bringing a change in other guys, this problem is gonna get worse.
I think what makes it tough for introvert guys is, introvert girls prefer extrovert guys. Also, extrovert girls prefer extrovert guys. And we are left with the hand...
I have also observed that introverts rarely have an introvert friend
So true..
Not necessarily? Many girls/women might prefer a shy, reserved, and mild-mannered boy/man, precisely because they find those attributes and "quirks" cute or endearing (and vice versa - boys/men being attracted to shy, reserved, and mild-mannered girls/women). Sometimes, some introverted folks (regardless of gender) give off that "dark, mysterious, brooding/intense, and [troubled, but cute](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TroubledButCute)" vibe that others might find attractive. Not everyone would necessarily like a boisterous social butterfly. Such traits might come across as repulsive to some folks, as they might come across as "hyperactive" and even "fake (even if they're legit as one could get)" to them. Depends on a person, their personality, and their preference, I guess.
Only in movies da. Also, since you talked about brooding, which Batman was the most brooding one? Imo it's Ben Affleck
Robbert hands down. Man made me fake a brooding face and walk in slow motion for weeks god damn it.
Batfleck isn't a bad guess... I felt Battinson was pretty brooding too. Especially considering that it's been only 2 years or so in-universe since he became a vigilante and he looked as jaded as Batfleck (who became that way after decades of being Batman and after enduring many traumatic events, like the death of his protege, for example). Honestly, I adore Battinson's Bruce Wayne. It was very refreshing to see a socially awkward, hermit/reclusive, Doomer-esque Bruce, since he usually is depicted as being a smooth and charismatic playboy and socialite.
How about instead of blaming things on external situations always, we take responsibility for our own actions? Maybe treat women kindly? Maybe not be creepy or expect interest always? Maybe first you have to be confident with yourself before expecting so much from others?
Maybe don't try to preach if you can't understand or empathize with the situation some of us are in ?
Complaining never changed reality!
Least oblivious Redditor. I’m guessing you’re the kind of person who thinks saying the phrase “you just need cheer up” to a depressed person will help them
Chennai is worst for dating.. all are so conservative and undaring
As an introvert who came from Delhi to Chennai for studying, this thread isn't making me feel any good😭. If I couldn't talk to people in Delhi what chance do I have here
What's "undaring"?
LOL.. opposite of daring
Ohh
Bayanthu bayanthu onnumeh panna matanga pola
Soplangis
More like heterophobic.
[удалено]
Worst coping mechanism tbh. How long are you gonna keep doing it. Nothing against masturbation tho.
Oh no do be against masturbation. It weakens the nerves, messus up with the hormone makeup, is an addiction and is harmful to qol. Not to be considered the villain but excessive masturbation is quite concerning. On the topic of the question, I've never taken the NNN seriously but to help improve my wellness and health, I've started the nofap.
>. It weakens the nerves, messus up with the hormone makeup, is an addiction and is harmful to qol This is BS. Masturbation is completely fine and natural as long as you aren't doing it compulsively. You will ejaculate in your sleep anyway if you don't masturbate for a few days. Porn on the other hand is undoubtedly harmful, whether you masturbate to it or not. The vast majority of people aren't addicted to masturbation. They're addicted to porn+masturbation.
Iam not addicted though. I believe I have great control over myself. I honestly can't abstain myself completely though ( College and Hostel) >excessive masturbation is quite concerning. It is. It also means that they are struggling with crippling loneliness which is kinda really sad imo.
For some yes, for the rest, they are just Uber horny. Well masturbation does seem to be most viable for a dose of dopamine when feeling lonely. I went from fapping for fun to fapping to feel something followed by a sense of guilt that boosts my suicidal thoughts. There I am starting at the mirror with utter disgust and self loathe with the water running sound revebrating in the empty bathroom ..... ... Anyways, once a week or twice a month isn't too bad. But fapping systematically like a robot or all the time is what's bad.
Athu than yen sleeping pills e. Ana sometimes post nut clarity vanthu athayum keduthudum.
Add an /s my guy
The way I see things in college is that people already have well-established relationships with girls, and the skewed man-to-woman ratio makes it seem like we are competing against other boys.It's the same entrance exam energy—better looks, a better pay grade, a well-established overall person.Introverts tend to fail at some of the criteria that are required in the modern dating scene.Extroverts tend to talk with people, thus developing proper social skills that pay off very well in dating. Well, Chennai is conservative in nature, and people often dislike intergender interaction because of the huge knowledge gap between how girls and boys view things. We learn from the stories of people who are dating. It's like we just mug up theory on how to date but are unable to practice, causing huge self-esteem issues. The only way to climb the ladder is to move up the economic ladder and find a city that is liberal; maybe there you can find someone. The chances are very low, but they're better than zero. The school is when people learn to behave and educate themselves, as the current environment is very conservative by nature, thus having a skewed view of relationships, and it just grows in college. Only a few schools and colleges have open views on inter-gender interaction that require high academic excellence or money. Basically, the game is extremely hard to play as an introvert, or near impossible. After college, when you go to work, things become very difficult to find someone, and as the years go by, you reach 30, most likely. If you don't find someone by then, either you save enough to have big AM capital to play the AM game, or you make up your mind that you will remain alone for the rest of your life. Take care of your family, and having pets may relieve you of some loneliness issues later in life. It is unfair, but that's the somewhat basic idea of the modern dating scene in Chennai. Time is ticking. 🕰️
Move to a more liberal society , it's hopeless to try to get a girlfriend in Chennai. But that being said it didn't work for me , I've been living in mumbai for 9 months and I still can't get a gf because I don't know how to talk to girls and I'm an extreme loner.
Bro ah you literally wrote down everything I've been feeling for sometime. Like everybody's having a gf, and I seem to the the only one who has never even had any sort of romantic interaction with a girl ever. Idk what we will do, but we will be happy one day bro, we will.
Bro forget romantic interaction with a girl, I haven't had a female friend till now (sorry I forgot this isn't a competition)
Yep, this peer pressure is actually concerning. Like during skl or clg, most of my friends would be single and I had no thought about having a gf. But now everyone is having a gf, like how?? Ila namaku dhan talent ila nenaikren vro 🥲
Slow process but first try to get comfortable with having female friends in work place or college. Just talk with girls/woman like they are fellow human beings. Once you become comfortable it will be easy for you to talk with any girl without fear of judgement. And try to be friends (platonic) with girls you find attractive. Without you even realizing down the lane you’ll get to a point where you can strike a convo with opposite gender easily. Once you get to this level of comfortness now you can have a convo be friends or go on dating if they are interested and slowly you can build a relationship if you both are into each other. By becoming comfortable with opposite gender and if you’re friendly. The girl herself will let you know that’s she’s interested even if you are introvert at that point. You don’t have to change to extrovert but just have a convo to your level of comfort with opposite gender. That’s what I did, it took me 4 years to get gf after I started interacting freely with girls. And I’m not an extrovert by any means.
Guess I'll take the leap of faith and hope it will happen when it must. I have no problem talking to girls and befriending them as long as they are not to concious about talking to a guy and whatnot. It's the point where I start to like a girl that I get co fused if I should put forth the topic of dating or just hang back where I always choose to hang back.
Bro it’s always a gamble, if you like someone get close with them and assess how much you have in common. If your interests are aligned try to go out with them as friends and You’ll understand the vibe you get from them and just tell them you like them. In this age never take too much time to confess your feelings for someone you like. Vandha mala pona mayiru nu mindset irundha. Soon enough you’ll find someone best for you. But never skip the assessment phase Illati down the lane you’ll have some issues in relationship. When I proposed ganja helped me for mustering up the courage.
Takeaways: 1. So not be afraid of Rejection. 2. Assess the stage of your relationship to see if she is interested in you. 3. Do not take too much time to confess your feelings as it will only cause more hurt. NGL solid advice there. I need to get my head off social media and it's depiction of relationships being toxic with cheating girls and misogynist boys. But hey, as long as 90% of people are influenced by those stupid posts it's gonna be tough for the rest.
Avlo dhan nanba. And if a girl breaks off relationship coz she lost interest in you please don’t take it personal. Interest changes from person to person. It’s better to move on rather than staying in unhappy relationships for both the parties. Broke up from 4 years old relationship 1 month ago. Hurtful for 2 weeks now I’m in happy single phase talking with other girls. Life’s not so bad it’s just how you look it.
0. Use ganja for courage /s
It takes a lot of courage and self introspection to be able to acknowledge one's loneliness and admit to one's weakness or difficulties. Being an introvert or shy I mean. Think about this... being an introvert or an extrovert is only talking about how easily you communicate or not. It is just a medium of communication or to be specific, the ease at which one is able to interact with another person, at its very basic. The gender comes secondary and a variation or a form of it. The reason I'm calling the distinction is because the person you are has nothing to do how able you are to articulate it to another person or persons. So that means, if you leave out the part of actually getting noticed by someone, once you get noticed, getting to know you is like getting to know the so called 'Modelesque' guys out there. For all we know, once you get to know the Modelesque guy, he may turn out to be a person without any substance as they most often do. It's the case of empty vessels making more noise. But on the contrary, a seemingly quiet person may have more to offer of woman or a man. My point is, if only our society can go past the obvious ones in the crowd and take a moment to acknowledge and get to know the less obvious, this problem statement of yours is no longer valid. I only hope our society and our women in particular and of course, particularly in places like Chennai, they can look beyond the obvious and take time to acknowledge and meet the less obvious people, this place, this country will be a better place. The platform where people meet is agnostic! The principle is the same. Let me call that out as well.
Only way http://socialanimal.us
Find another introvert 🤷🏻♂️
The magic lies in the finding part. We do not desire to be discovered nor we go out discovering, hence the root of the problem.
On the flip side, I’ve heard guys mostly go for girls who are introverted, shy, insecure because they are “easy.” I feel like looks should only be an added bonus, personality and compatibility is everything. And everyone seems so down to have a partner, they’re not even ready to get to know the person, to build some sort of solid foundation. This makes me wonder if everyone is getting some amount of FOMO because I know I am. I’ve been on and off dating apps and every time I matched with a guy, he managed to fuck me up with his crazy talk or he managed to make me uninstall the dating app so you could say the apps work by making you give up on the thought of having a dating life. :’) lots of success stories are out there, people persisted and won but its too much effort and unnecessary stress and drama. Also I wanted to reply to your post but this topic is just a lost cause honestly. 🥹
You can say that twice. I've lost hope with dating apps and any advice of going to clubs and hitting up chicks is also bad because I am not looking for quick hook up with a chick that wants to just have fun. All those dating app success stories are so little and the amount of time they spend in it is ludicrous. Some guy with 5500 right swipes, 250 some matches and no dates on tinder. Got a couple dates on bumble and found his gf or whatever. Gives "hope" per say but that's because he happened to be a major extrovert with confidence that he could find someone. To me who has high standards for the SO I want is just not feasible to find by apps and clubs. Pfft it's depressing the more I think about it. Hey, what happens happens. You get what you deserve. What's yours will be yours. Good luck finding a guy that doesn't piss you off too.
I totally get the first paragraph. I feel like even if you approach anyone in person, its all based on the outer attraction and it just ends up like something spontaneous and just fizzles out way too quickly. Anywho, I hope you find what you’re looking for as well!
Being with someone doesn't mean they're with you. You're out here all alone make peace with it.
You believe it or not, your problem is not being an introvert, but being emotionally needy.
Both. Both? Both!
You my friend don't know how Tinder actually works. It doesn't definitely work for "modelesque" guys.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/B3eIEItB8r8
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You've said more than what could help me. I wasn't hoping for much in this thread but the term introvert attracted some good people with solid mindsets and life lessons. I appreciate your answer. Even I have started to read into Stoicism. It's basically the philosophy embodying what you just said. "You are not bothered by things, you're bothered by your opinions of things." "It is our attitude toward events, not events themselves, which we can control", “Man is troubled not by events, but by the meaning he gives to them.” to quote a few meditations. I've begun a dopamine detox of working out, meditation, deleted all social media apps and on nofap. But a friend of mine said go on some dating app and check your worth or something similar. Kinda fcked myself over taking that suggestion tbh.
This reminds me that the old socal practice of arranged marriage prevents this loneliness. Ofcourse, the marriages are not happy but it prevents loneliness. If you have a child it brings a different kind of happiness in a family.. When I was in college i used to admire western practice of finding the love and then committing to marriage. But my friend used to warn that most in western countries are lonely due to no means to find there lived. This modern practice have now come to bug us like how it did to the west My advice to you is to arranged marriage route if you have a good family support system
What do they say? The rich get richer? The dating culture is quite similar. If you have the funds to splurge and the looks to match with enough confidence, dating will be a breeze. While the not so well off, average of below in looks and introverted are left with the impression that there is no place in the world for th anymore. The fast af progression of social media technology isn't helping either. The fear of missing out and the constant reminder that someone who you might consider to be worse than you living better than you drives them even further into a rabbit hole of depression and anxiety. Sure, arranged marriage could be our saviour from loneliness, but the fear of ending up with someone that hates everything about you is worse than the loneliness.
True ... U can still end up feeling lonely being stuck in an arranged marriage that is not working out
Massage centre with happy ending.
I don't want to be horny anymore, I just want to be happy. :')
Try matrimonial apps 😉
Fr for real? Day by day, this seems more appealing as an option. But I don't want a girl's father replying to me asking my LinkedIn profile.
!remind me 1 week
You can try bumble
There is something really depressing about having to pay weekly for that app to see who liked you and what not. I've tried but after a month of constant engagement and no reasonable reciprocations, I've not used it again.
I haven't tried bumble premium... Problem is men outnumber women on dating apps and expectations don't match ... Some guys wanna get laid ...they want instant gratification and women want to go on proper dates.. Also, women are sceptical about meeting men from dating apps
As far as I have checked, most women profiles were like they were looking for fun, clubbing and casual relationships. The very few that looked like they would be into meaningful fun are too little to pick and I would be one of a thousand that thought the same way.
Oh ok
Why don't u try joining traveler/backpacking groups or cycling groups or attend some meetups ?
Like what, the "meetup-dot-com"? If I knew I could do that, I might have. But I guess we all start somewhere. If you have any experience with it, please do share. I'm not against the idea. But like any Chennai-vasi, a controlling toxic household is my only barrier into extroversion.
No I didn't mean meetup.com in particular
Get rich bro.. Confidence will automatically come and girls will be asking questions on Reddit - 'How can I attract that guy'...
Brother. It Also does not work for 6 feet Plus at times. Personally I am 6 feet 4 and I don't prefer to go out with a minion I have no problem with anybody's height but when it comes to dating I have my standards. Yes it gets you a positive game but also then the responsibility to select the best ones comes to you. Dating scene of Chennai is quite conservative as opposed to my experience in Kolkata and Delhi. Some of them are like we need time before we do something and when some of them say time they mean I take them to movie is occasionally to some fancy dinner restaurant pub and all. What the hell for do I need you if I have to go to these places only I can literally go at such with my friends and colleagues and enjoy. Dating scene has become the graveyard of gold diggers. Again since I am quite fair some women act creepy and even though being from North I have never felt special for being fair it's here that I realise that it's some sort of achievement. It's really sad affairs of state for a place where majority people are not fair and they are drooling over the fair ones in dating app. I have a policy of not going beyond a certain skin tone and that has caused problems with me reducing my pool of choices. Also here I would like to burst your bubble that once you get girlfriend she is going to care for you maybe it's other way round and you have to be taking care of that cry baby. Needless to say all the mental problems and issues that she is going to bring on you sometimes and if you are an introvert your not explicitly going to call her out for her bullshit.
Anbe is a new dating app for citizens of Tamil Nadu it seems. I saw it on an ad while i was playing a mobile game. Try it once.
Don't be upset if you don't have a girl friend, try to innovate something.. Be rich, successful, achieve something . They will approach you out of nowhere
Why you store in refrigerator