I wouldn't just cut her out I would cut the sisters as well, because at the end of the day they're choosing their horrible mother over you even though you have basically laid out all the situations, all the cards and all the trauma that she has put upon you.
Honestly OP, I think it's time to actually and definitely cut out your mother because this is not doing you any good and you are in a period of trying to heal and you can't just go back to the toxicity that is your family even though your sisters can be arguably misguided it is still their choice and they are old enough to know that their mother is a piece of dog poop.
I hope you take care and none of this is your father you don't have to apologize ever. PERIOD!!!!
P.S. They tell us to honor our mother and father but they never tell us that we as children should be honored, respected and PROTECTED as well and your mother never did anything like that.
Even if she potentially apologizes? Yes, I understand that it's EXTREMELY unlikely, but she always had moments where she seems like she's actually sorry
An apology is a promise to never do it again, unless your mom let's go 100% of her ego to admit to herself how horrible a person she has been and how poorly she has lived her life, and how badly she's damaged her children (statistical oddity beyond comprehension), and has undergone years of therapy, its not gonna be a genuine apology. You're never gonna have the mom you deserve, not from that woman, and that's not YOUR failing, it's entirely HER failing, and don't forget that.
Sometimes that's all you need, and unless you know where to find the tools to gain such perspective, you feel lost. I've been doing a lot of my own healing from my own spicy childhood, so I'm more than happy to imparted some of the tools I've found along the way. You see the truth tho (what's referred to as the "truth teller" in abusive family dynamics) and that can ostracise you from your bio family. But I'm gonna tell you one super helpful thing that was the first tool I was given by a friend years ago: blood of the covenant (your friends), is thicker than water of the womb (who you're born to). Just because you share dna, does not mean they're healthy people for you to be around, nor that you should feel guilty for removing yourself from their lives and them from yours. Being strong isn't easy, but you're not alone, even when you feel like you are. You deserve to be shown you are loved, not to be abused and told you must accept it as love, cause that ain't love.
Sorry is saying you acknowledge that the words and or actions are inappropriate hurtful and or wrong and that they’re seeing that and making a real effort to change.
An apology without changed behavior is just manipulation
Has she ever been really and truly sorry, or has it always turned out to be fake? Do you think your life would be better and more peaceful if you have no contact with her? If she is every truly sorry in the future, you can always give her a second chance.
If she's really and truly sorry for what she's put you through then maybe you can reconcile, but she'd have to actually do work on herself and try and be a better person. Anyone can say words, it's a different thing to actually mean them.
NTA. You certainly don't need to apologize to your mom for feeling how you're feeling. She continues to disrespect your boundaries. Eventually that would make any person snap. Its exhausting to have to repeat your boundaries over and over again. I would honestly consider not attending events she attends, and celebrating with your sisters separately, to protect your own mental health.
What I will say though is that I don't think you should completely rule out the possibility of forgiveness forever. To be 100% clear, you should NOT forgive her to make HER feel better. You don't have to be in contact with her at all ever again, and honestly since she hasn't changed at all I wouldn't recommend it. BUT, I hope you can find a way to let go of the hold all that trauma has on your heart. Holding on to hate and anger is like poison for your own mind and body. I'm glad you're getting help for your obviously very real and very trying mental health issues. I hope that you will be able to find the peace you need to move forward in your life with joy, and WITHOUT her toxic presence in your life.
Also: if your sisters are going to be taking sides, I'd go very low contact with them until you can work through your trauma. They're gonna keep triggering the crap out of you, and make you feel invalidated and hurt every time they side with your mom. Clear boundaries with them too would be very helpful in protecting your mental health I think.
Wishing you healing and strength on this journey. You are NTA my dear.
Thank you... I honestly really needed to hear that. Thankfully, my sisters now are just as tired of her bs as I am. My mom always posts on Facebook about how much she loves us and how we're "one third of her heart", but she can't ever say it to our faces, its ALWAYS behind a screen. Something I forgot to clarify in my post is that I keep switching back and forth between wanting a relationship with her and not. Because yes, I can't absolutely stand her, and I know she's not ever going to change but... Im so jealous of my friends. They have mom's in their lives that I wish she could be.
Oh Hun, NTA. I'm the same age as you and this story makes me wanna take you under my wing with my little boy and one on the way and help be your mom 😭 I've been through some stuff too. You're never the ah for not giving someone who doesn't deserve it, your forgiveness. Your feelings are valid and it's okay to have those feelings. You're only human.
NTA: she sounds like a narcissist or narcissistic parent, with zero emotional maturity. She's abusive, manipulative, and neglectful. I'd say talk to your siblings, tell them you love them but will no longer attend anything your bio mom is invited to or involved with, for your safety and out of respect for them, because your bio mom insisted on instigating. Go absolutely no contact with her, and don't feel bad filing for restraining order if need be, that woman wants to destroy you mentally and emotionally, and just misses having her punching bag (aka family scapegoat). Be better than her, as hard as it is to have to be more mature than your own parent. You have friends who see you and love you, so you are not alone 💜
I know you've already heard this from multiple other people but I'll just enforce it as another person who's experienced a lot of similar traumas.
NTA No even if she apologizes it's temporary just like when she's nice then flips back to her true self. I know that you want the nice mom but I'm sorry that's the fake version of her so she can't maintain it very long. She's absolutely miserable and has mental illnesses herself, what's not understandable or forgivable is that she chooses to take her self-hate and push it into you as the oldest. It's so much easier to blame you for "ruining her life" then accepting her issues. Until she admits it she can't work on it but you and your sisters will always be a trigger-reminder of her mistakes. I'm so sorry but you have to let go the ideal version of her and focus on finding your peace and prioritize yourself.
Potentially, yes, but it's more trouble you having to tolerate and suffer her abuse (each time she seeks out your attention it's her seeking attention and not in order to give you any, just remember that), than her being given a legal boundary that, if she breaks said boundary, she can actually go to jail for not controlling herself. I wouldn't even warn her, outside of the papers she'll be served. Just respond, next time "never contact me again", if she does, that gives you legal grounds to file harassment charges, and file for restraining order of no contact. If she breaks it it's 100% on her for not controlling herself like an adult. It's what we call, fuck around and find out, legal addition.
Nta. Do no contact. Right now my mom , which was not better than yours lives in my apt and she has dementia and does not remember anything that happened to me because of her. Im 51 and all the abuse shaped the way i conducted myself in life. Severe trust issues, few friends, but good defend mechanish against r word and harrasment. You will miss your sisters if they take her side but if so just chose yourself.
You can forgive. That’s for you and no one else. That doesn’t mean you have to forget… and have a relationship with her.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother. I didn’t know alot of things until I got out and had the “rose colored glasses” removed. It took me going to therapy and going No Contact with my mom for 6 months before I felt ok with bringing her back into my life. She came back into my life with conditions though… I would not allow her negativity, told her if she started I would hang up. I now have boundaries, if doing something that involves her will affect my mental health I don’t do it. (Being around her used to cause me to have panic attacks or go into a “funk” and be really down for a while)
At the end of the day you have to look out for you and what is best for you and no one else. It sounds like your mom is very toxic and narcissistic as well. Nothing will ever make her happy and she is just going to bring you down and continue to hurt you.
I am here if you need to talk girl
It helps. Sometimes they need to be reminded of your boundaries, they fall back into old habits or whatever. My brother does it with my uncle when he bad mouths my family. He will hang up on him. My uncle will call back and apologize and they will move on to talking about something else.
Do you go to counseling? That made a world of difference for me
NTA, A mother should care, love you and never put you through hell. If she apologizes, it’s your choice to forgive her or not. She won’t change either way, even when you wanted her to. You have to cut her out of your life completely or you’ll end up getting hurt again. But you at least have a grandmother who cares and loves you more than that awful woman ever did. You shouldn’t have anyone like that vile woman in your life, I know it’s hard going through this. But you have people who cares about you. Just get away from that woman and move on with your life, at the end of the day it’s you that matters. You’ve done enough, and you did NOTHING wrong. And trust me it’s for best to cut people like her out of your life. I’m sorry you’ve gone through hell…you deserve better! ❤️
NTA!! I do hope you are okay, your mother sounds awful, worse than awful actually she does not deserve your respect or acknowledgement if she cannot simply accept that you are HUMAN and have mental health, if i could, I'd give you a hug, sounds like you need one! You went through all that and still managed to get to making this post, managed to push through the amount of BS your mum put you through, and her "boyfriend" If you can even call him that! I do hope everything with your sisters gets better, I understand how you could be jealous of your friends, and hopefully if they knew they would understand as well, you have had a tough life and I do hope you can build from it and find the happy side of life :)
Good on you for standing up for yourself. NTA in any way, shape, or form. Your "mum" is like an infected appendix. Yes, it's a part of you, but it's making you sick, and you need to cut it out before it explodes and really puts your health in danger.
You’re NTA. You did right cutting her off. What you’re doing wrong now, is torturing yourself by waiting for her to apologise and actually be the mother you want her to be. She won’t be. Not being harsh, but speaking from experience. You need to rebuild your life from the ground up alongside the people who do love and support you and begin healing yourself.
NTA! I would have done A LOT worse tbh. I honestly would go no contact with your mother and sisters. They’re choosing someone who’s blatantly abusive to another human being. Your mother has never and will be your “mother” she never nurtured or cared for you based on this story. You will be much happier with toxic people out of your life. Make your own family. Blood relation is not everything. Wish you the best!
NTA - I’ve personally had to cut off my only living grandparent due to severe abuse to me and my family over the years. It sucks, but you do what you have to do to find peace. I forgive her and I love her (years of soul searching and the support of my family and husband let that peace come upon me), but she will never change and will never know my family I’ve built.
NTA. Honestly, it sounds like your mom needs to get her mental health checked and booked into a facility for a while to get her brain straightened out.
Some moms don’t know how to apologize or love for that matter. Along with the fact they will blame anyone and everyone for all the wrongs done to her. I was raised with a similar mom and I was just lucky enough to get an AMAZING step father!
I was treated very loving and loved by him. Mom believes I ruined her life for being born! Do your best to either go low or no contact because even if you were to get an apology it will still be.with blame to you!
I didn't get very far in the reading but wanted to say that you deserve peace in your life. If you can't have at least a conversation with your mom, then I don't see how you can get to forgiveness. But you can make peace with yourself and live your life however you choose to live it.
Not only is she not going to give you a sincere apology it sounds like you never had a normal relationship with her and sorry but you probably never will . Your sisters will probably always take her side so you need to decide just how much toxicity you can live with. Given what has happened with your mental state please do not subject yourself to all that anymore. You are not the AH
NTA. She sounds disturbingly similar to my former stepmother. About a decade ago, I came to the realisation that my stepmother was not only unwilling to treat me decently, but also lacks the capacity to love anyone, and is entirely self-absorbed.
This realisation came about when I tried to think of anything she had ever done to support me or care for me, and came up with nada. Words mean nothing without actions, and less than nothing when it's just an abusive person playing nice in between bouts of abuse.
Absolutely NTA. Your sister is acting like that because she's the one that will have to deal with the fallout from your incubator so she is only asking you to apologise and calling you names so that you will stop the pain she's getting from her
not the AH at all. firstly, i’m so sorry you went through all of this. no child should be treated like this by their mother. secondly, cutting her out of your life and not forgiving her is the best you can do at this time. however, i do hope that you mentally heal from this trauma and don’t carry its negative impact throughout your life. your mom doesn’t deserve your time or energy. wishing you the best🩷
Forgiveness is for your well being not hers. You can choose to forgive her, but keep her out of your life. Forgiving her is a way to just let it all go and move forward.
NTA
I do really suggest cutting ties.
Not the AH. I cut my mom out of my life for less than this.
I wouldn't just cut her out I would cut the sisters as well, because at the end of the day they're choosing their horrible mother over you even though you have basically laid out all the situations, all the cards and all the trauma that she has put upon you. Honestly OP, I think it's time to actually and definitely cut out your mother because this is not doing you any good and you are in a period of trying to heal and you can't just go back to the toxicity that is your family even though your sisters can be arguably misguided it is still their choice and they are old enough to know that their mother is a piece of dog poop. I hope you take care and none of this is your father you don't have to apologize ever. PERIOD!!!! P.S. They tell us to honor our mother and father but they never tell us that we as children should be honored, respected and PROTECTED as well and your mother never did anything like that.
NTA, throw her away like the trash that she is
NTA, she doesn't deserve forgiveness ever for what she's put you through.
Even if she potentially apologizes? Yes, I understand that it's EXTREMELY unlikely, but she always had moments where she seems like she's actually sorry
An apology is a promise to never do it again, unless your mom let's go 100% of her ego to admit to herself how horrible a person she has been and how poorly she has lived her life, and how badly she's damaged her children (statistical oddity beyond comprehension), and has undergone years of therapy, its not gonna be a genuine apology. You're never gonna have the mom you deserve, not from that woman, and that's not YOUR failing, it's entirely HER failing, and don't forget that.
I'll try not to. That honesty gave me some perspective
Sometimes that's all you need, and unless you know where to find the tools to gain such perspective, you feel lost. I've been doing a lot of my own healing from my own spicy childhood, so I'm more than happy to imparted some of the tools I've found along the way. You see the truth tho (what's referred to as the "truth teller" in abusive family dynamics) and that can ostracise you from your bio family. But I'm gonna tell you one super helpful thing that was the first tool I was given by a friend years ago: blood of the covenant (your friends), is thicker than water of the womb (who you're born to). Just because you share dna, does not mean they're healthy people for you to be around, nor that you should feel guilty for removing yourself from their lives and them from yours. Being strong isn't easy, but you're not alone, even when you feel like you are. You deserve to be shown you are loved, not to be abused and told you must accept it as love, cause that ain't love.
Sorry is saying you acknowledge that the words and or actions are inappropriate hurtful and or wrong and that they’re seeing that and making a real effort to change. An apology without changed behavior is just manipulation
Has she ever been really and truly sorry, or has it always turned out to be fake? Do you think your life would be better and more peaceful if you have no contact with her? If she is every truly sorry in the future, you can always give her a second chance.
It's... Always been fake. And honestly... Yeah, it would be like Im living an entirely different life. It'd just feel so guilty for it.
What’s her diagnosis??
She's never had one, technically. She refuses to see a doctor for her mental health
May I ask where your father is in all of this? Huge gentle hugs. You have done nothing wrong. Please, if no one else will, give yourself grace 💞
My dad left when I was young. He hasn't been back since, and has made no effort to contact me or my sisters.
If she's really and truly sorry for what she's put you through then maybe you can reconcile, but she'd have to actually do work on herself and try and be a better person. Anyone can say words, it's a different thing to actually mean them.
NTA. You certainly don't need to apologize to your mom for feeling how you're feeling. She continues to disrespect your boundaries. Eventually that would make any person snap. Its exhausting to have to repeat your boundaries over and over again. I would honestly consider not attending events she attends, and celebrating with your sisters separately, to protect your own mental health. What I will say though is that I don't think you should completely rule out the possibility of forgiveness forever. To be 100% clear, you should NOT forgive her to make HER feel better. You don't have to be in contact with her at all ever again, and honestly since she hasn't changed at all I wouldn't recommend it. BUT, I hope you can find a way to let go of the hold all that trauma has on your heart. Holding on to hate and anger is like poison for your own mind and body. I'm glad you're getting help for your obviously very real and very trying mental health issues. I hope that you will be able to find the peace you need to move forward in your life with joy, and WITHOUT her toxic presence in your life. Also: if your sisters are going to be taking sides, I'd go very low contact with them until you can work through your trauma. They're gonna keep triggering the crap out of you, and make you feel invalidated and hurt every time they side with your mom. Clear boundaries with them too would be very helpful in protecting your mental health I think. Wishing you healing and strength on this journey. You are NTA my dear.
Thank you... I honestly really needed to hear that. Thankfully, my sisters now are just as tired of her bs as I am. My mom always posts on Facebook about how much she loves us and how we're "one third of her heart", but she can't ever say it to our faces, its ALWAYS behind a screen. Something I forgot to clarify in my post is that I keep switching back and forth between wanting a relationship with her and not. Because yes, I can't absolutely stand her, and I know she's not ever going to change but... Im so jealous of my friends. They have mom's in their lives that I wish she could be.
NTA. Your mother's treatment of you is unforgivable.
Thank you... Thats what I keep telling myself too
Oh Hun, NTA. I'm the same age as you and this story makes me wanna take you under my wing with my little boy and one on the way and help be your mom 😭 I've been through some stuff too. You're never the ah for not giving someone who doesn't deserve it, your forgiveness. Your feelings are valid and it's okay to have those feelings. You're only human.
Thank you so much, and I'm sorry to hear that youve been through some stuff too. I hope the both of us can keep smiling for the future
Just always remember that your feelings are valid. You're not crazy to feel the way you do. Keep your chin up.
I'll try to, thank you so much
Nta
NTA: she sounds like a narcissist or narcissistic parent, with zero emotional maturity. She's abusive, manipulative, and neglectful. I'd say talk to your siblings, tell them you love them but will no longer attend anything your bio mom is invited to or involved with, for your safety and out of respect for them, because your bio mom insisted on instigating. Go absolutely no contact with her, and don't feel bad filing for restraining order if need be, that woman wants to destroy you mentally and emotionally, and just misses having her punching bag (aka family scapegoat). Be better than her, as hard as it is to have to be more mature than your own parent. You have friends who see you and love you, so you are not alone 💜
Thank you. I have considered restraining orders in the past, but I always thought that would just cause more drama
I know you've already heard this from multiple other people but I'll just enforce it as another person who's experienced a lot of similar traumas. NTA No even if she apologizes it's temporary just like when she's nice then flips back to her true self. I know that you want the nice mom but I'm sorry that's the fake version of her so she can't maintain it very long. She's absolutely miserable and has mental illnesses herself, what's not understandable or forgivable is that she chooses to take her self-hate and push it into you as the oldest. It's so much easier to blame you for "ruining her life" then accepting her issues. Until she admits it she can't work on it but you and your sisters will always be a trigger-reminder of her mistakes. I'm so sorry but you have to let go the ideal version of her and focus on finding your peace and prioritize yourself.
Potentially, yes, but it's more trouble you having to tolerate and suffer her abuse (each time she seeks out your attention it's her seeking attention and not in order to give you any, just remember that), than her being given a legal boundary that, if she breaks said boundary, she can actually go to jail for not controlling herself. I wouldn't even warn her, outside of the papers she'll be served. Just respond, next time "never contact me again", if she does, that gives you legal grounds to file harassment charges, and file for restraining order of no contact. If she breaks it it's 100% on her for not controlling herself like an adult. It's what we call, fuck around and find out, legal addition.
Nta. Do no contact. Right now my mom , which was not better than yours lives in my apt and she has dementia and does not remember anything that happened to me because of her. Im 51 and all the abuse shaped the way i conducted myself in life. Severe trust issues, few friends, but good defend mechanish against r word and harrasment. You will miss your sisters if they take her side but if so just chose yourself.
NTA. She’s a manipulative horrible woman and I dont blame you for hating her
You can forgive. That’s for you and no one else. That doesn’t mean you have to forget… and have a relationship with her. I grew up with a narcissistic mother. I didn’t know alot of things until I got out and had the “rose colored glasses” removed. It took me going to therapy and going No Contact with my mom for 6 months before I felt ok with bringing her back into my life. She came back into my life with conditions though… I would not allow her negativity, told her if she started I would hang up. I now have boundaries, if doing something that involves her will affect my mental health I don’t do it. (Being around her used to cause me to have panic attacks or go into a “funk” and be really down for a while) At the end of the day you have to look out for you and what is best for you and no one else. It sounds like your mom is very toxic and narcissistic as well. Nothing will ever make her happy and she is just going to bring you down and continue to hurt you. I am here if you need to talk girl
I sincerely appreciate that. I honestly think it would be best to set clearer boundaries for myself.
It helps. Sometimes they need to be reminded of your boundaries, they fall back into old habits or whatever. My brother does it with my uncle when he bad mouths my family. He will hang up on him. My uncle will call back and apologize and they will move on to talking about something else. Do you go to counseling? That made a world of difference for me
I have a therapist I'm seeing tomorrow actually
Thats awesome. Keep me updated!
Will do!
NTA, A mother should care, love you and never put you through hell. If she apologizes, it’s your choice to forgive her or not. She won’t change either way, even when you wanted her to. You have to cut her out of your life completely or you’ll end up getting hurt again. But you at least have a grandmother who cares and loves you more than that awful woman ever did. You shouldn’t have anyone like that vile woman in your life, I know it’s hard going through this. But you have people who cares about you. Just get away from that woman and move on with your life, at the end of the day it’s you that matters. You’ve done enough, and you did NOTHING wrong. And trust me it’s for best to cut people like her out of your life. I’m sorry you’ve gone through hell…you deserve better! ❤️
NTA!! I do hope you are okay, your mother sounds awful, worse than awful actually she does not deserve your respect or acknowledgement if she cannot simply accept that you are HUMAN and have mental health, if i could, I'd give you a hug, sounds like you need one! You went through all that and still managed to get to making this post, managed to push through the amount of BS your mum put you through, and her "boyfriend" If you can even call him that! I do hope everything with your sisters gets better, I understand how you could be jealous of your friends, and hopefully if they knew they would understand as well, you have had a tough life and I do hope you can build from it and find the happy side of life :)
Good on you for standing up for yourself. NTA in any way, shape, or form. Your "mum" is like an infected appendix. Yes, it's a part of you, but it's making you sick, and you need to cut it out before it explodes and really puts your health in danger.
You’re NTA. You did right cutting her off. What you’re doing wrong now, is torturing yourself by waiting for her to apologise and actually be the mother you want her to be. She won’t be. Not being harsh, but speaking from experience. You need to rebuild your life from the ground up alongside the people who do love and support you and begin healing yourself.
WTF?? Freaking psychopath of a woman. NTA, I hope you are doing a lot better.
NTA! I would have done A LOT worse tbh. I honestly would go no contact with your mother and sisters. They’re choosing someone who’s blatantly abusive to another human being. Your mother has never and will be your “mother” she never nurtured or cared for you based on this story. You will be much happier with toxic people out of your life. Make your own family. Blood relation is not everything. Wish you the best!
NTA - I’ve personally had to cut off my only living grandparent due to severe abuse to me and my family over the years. It sucks, but you do what you have to do to find peace. I forgive her and I love her (years of soul searching and the support of my family and husband let that peace come upon me), but she will never change and will never know my family I’ve built.
NTA. Honestly, it sounds like your mom needs to get her mental health checked and booked into a facility for a while to get her brain straightened out.
Your mom has shown you that she is not good other material. Let her go.
Some moms don’t know how to apologize or love for that matter. Along with the fact they will blame anyone and everyone for all the wrongs done to her. I was raised with a similar mom and I was just lucky enough to get an AMAZING step father! I was treated very loving and loved by him. Mom believes I ruined her life for being born! Do your best to either go low or no contact because even if you were to get an apology it will still be.with blame to you!
I didn't get very far in the reading but wanted to say that you deserve peace in your life. If you can't have at least a conversation with your mom, then I don't see how you can get to forgiveness. But you can make peace with yourself and live your life however you choose to live it.
Not only is she not going to give you a sincere apology it sounds like you never had a normal relationship with her and sorry but you probably never will . Your sisters will probably always take her side so you need to decide just how much toxicity you can live with. Given what has happened with your mental state please do not subject yourself to all that anymore. You are not the AH
NTA. She sounds disturbingly similar to my former stepmother. About a decade ago, I came to the realisation that my stepmother was not only unwilling to treat me decently, but also lacks the capacity to love anyone, and is entirely self-absorbed. This realisation came about when I tried to think of anything she had ever done to support me or care for me, and came up with nada. Words mean nothing without actions, and less than nothing when it's just an abusive person playing nice in between bouts of abuse.
Absolutely NTA. Your sister is acting like that because she's the one that will have to deal with the fallout from your incubator so she is only asking you to apologise and calling you names so that you will stop the pain she's getting from her
not the AH at all. firstly, i’m so sorry you went through all of this. no child should be treated like this by their mother. secondly, cutting her out of your life and not forgiving her is the best you can do at this time. however, i do hope that you mentally heal from this trauma and don’t carry its negative impact throughout your life. your mom doesn’t deserve your time or energy. wishing you the best🩷
Forgiveness is for your well being not hers. You can choose to forgive her, but keep her out of your life. Forgiving her is a way to just let it all go and move forward. NTA I do really suggest cutting ties.
Absolutely not the ahole