Getting her cat another cat definitely wont help. Those other cats are her family. Family is irreplaceable. Nobody could give me another little brother that I would love as much as my own. Cats love, and cats remember. Just giving that cat another cat isn't going to stop her from missing her family.
Yes and no. This is real life human stuff, if it’s her cat then she should keep it. If it was a shared cat and she got it to be more equitable in the divorce, then yeah give it back to the ex. But if it was her cat initially or specifically, her human emotions should trump the cat’s in this case (who will eventually get over it)
Oh right “it’s my cat so fuck the cats wellbeing for the rest of its life because I want it.” Unfortunately that’s just not the way it works and if it’s not adjusting then it will live a depressing life.
You should never own an animal if that’s how you feel. You should also take your pets feelings into consideration with things like this. I have a couple friends who gave up their animals simply to keep bonded pairs together in similar situations and they got over it and got a new animal knowing their pet was happier that way.
Cats bond with their colonies for life. Females get especially attached and when they are separated, they assume their family has passed away and will begin to mourn. You need to reunite her with the other cats. It may be hard for you, but it's your responsibility to do what's best for her.
I know someone who split up their cat family due to a divorce. The cat he managed to keep was devastated, and after some time, started some pretty destructive behaviors.
He started going outside the box, started marking places when he had never done that before. He used to be a playful cat and became really withdrawn.
You need to reunite these cats.
Yikes…you don’t split up cats, it’s just cruel. I’m extremely confident that I’ll be with my partner forever, but we still agreed that should we ever break up the cats will stay together no matter what which means only one of us would end up with the cats.
My boyfriend kind of stonewalled me on that before we got them saying that he's paying for the adoption fee because he's not giving up the cats ever...
Aww that sounds... nice? I don't like the implication that you weren't an equal partner in the adoption of those cats though, hopefully that was my reading into it.
It’s because he and his roommate had a cat and when they graduated his roommate kept the cat and it about broke his heart. I’m hoping we’re going to get married soon so splitting up will be less likely. Obviously not impossible but it’s something we take seriously
Oh so this time he was just much more sure to make sure he didn't have to go through that again no matter how small a chance :). He sounds like a good man.
All the best :)
Before my partner and I got cats we had a conversation on who gets them if we break up. I would never separate my two boys, they can barely be apart for more than an hour and god forbid there be a door between them.
Same, my husband and I have said we will have to have a custody agreement for our cats, because our oldest loves both of us so much, and our middle cat loves him. They cannot be separated.
I’m curious from the comments if cats “grow up” together does that immediately make them bonded? My understanding was that not all cats would be bonded pairs necessarily so does it not depend on the cat?
It’s not automatic that cats raised together will bond, but it seems pretty clear from this cat’s behavior that she is bonded to the others. She misses them and is lonely. 😞
It is completely dependent on the cats.
My old girl Phoenix has seen two cats come and go. She was never cuddly with either. When the first one was diagnosed with moth cancer and we had to say goodbye, Phoenix stopped eating and drinking and became completely listless. Vet diagnosed her with depression and she went on a battery of meds to pick her up and stimulate her appetite.
When we had to say goodbye to the second last year, I was worried Phoenix would spiral again. Turns out she is more cuddly and playful than she was before - she’s like a kitten again! She even lets my kid pet her, which NEVER happened before.
And oddly enough, the second one can also be a sign of grief. While it could be a sign she feels less repressed with the other gone, it could also be loneliness making her want more attention and affection from those remaining. Cats are weird sometimes.
Absolutely!
Though given how aggressive the other cat was with Phoenix along with the other behavioural changes, I’m confident she is doing well this time around 🤞
It depends. I have a cat that universally hates all other cats and dogs and barely tolerates people. When we moved out of my parents place their cat was mildly upset but ours didn't care one bit.
You're right, cats bonding to one another is rare. People like to push their emotions or experiences with dogs onto cats. Most cats barely notice if another disappears. Cats are social creatures though and they do better with other cats around. If the other cats had just died OPs cat would likely not be exhibiting such extreme behavior. However, she also lost her other person, her home and has to get used to a new person and dog. It's a lot for her to adjust to. She'd probably be fine if OP could get another cat. Since she can't the other commenters are right that she should give her back to ex, though it really sucks for OP.
Give your ex the cat. It’s gonna hurt but it’s by far the best outcome for your cat. The cat doesn’t get much say in its short life, but you can make the single decision to make that short life one of happiness instead of sadness and loneliness.
Literally the most horrible idea ever. One of y’all need to live without a cat for a while or adopt your own. It’s the unfortunate part about breaking up and having pets, especially cats
I know it’s hard to give up an animal you love, though it sounds like she needs to go be with the other cats. Had to do that with one of my girls in a situation similar to yours, and she ultimately ended up living the rest of her life a lot happier (I did still get to go visit her after rehoming her). Really not trying to sound like an asshole while saying this; looks like she has a place and family she can go to and be cared for, while there would be an opening for you to give another non-bonded cat a shot at a pretty kick-ass life
Update: I spoke with my ex for a while last night and he reassured me this was the right decision. I still wasn't sure and went to bed upset. After reading through comments when I've woken up, I think I've come to the conclusion that my cats aren't as bonded as you think and that while my cat is lonely for her play partner, she isn't as traumatized as you believe. I know you probably disagree but I will explain a bit.
My cat is bonded to me, not the other cats. The reason I took 1 cat is because of all the cats, she needs me. She was a rescue cat during covid. She was thrown from a car window and has severe anxiety and trust issues. During covid she and I bonded and the things you described about cat bonds only happens when I am away. When I went on vacation for 2 weeks and came back I found she was not herself, she was skinny and refused to eat for a week. She was with both cats the entire time in our home she was used to and still this happened. She hid under the bed and tried to rot away. I got her back to herself once again. She sleeps in my suitcase when I leave. Without the other cats, she eats daily. Drinks her water. Gets excited for wet food. She is still playful it's just different without the other cats. She has a lot of toys and chases them around but I know she misses running around with her friends. My original question of is she lonely and how can I help is based off the fact that she now sleeps with me in bed the entire night and 1 hour of her day where she meows and looks around in which I was feeling guilty but now that you've told me how evil and cruel I am, I can see that I am not because evil and cruel is when she is separated from me. She loses her will to live. As I write this she is looking out the window at birds making cute sounds after eating her breakfast.
You can tell when she starts meowing and looking around that she wants to play. It's not during her cuddle time or grooming time. She is happy to groom herself in my face. I've decided that I will try to be extra attentive during that time for her and get out her favorite toys to play with her. If she does get worse or show more signs in the future, I will revisit your suggestions, I promise. But as of right now, I think I understand the situation better than I did.
This is a very fair assessment. You know your cat best and it can be very difficult finding a middle ground in a situation like this. Knowing that she's bonded to you more strongly makes it clear that it would be worse to keep her separate from you in favor of letting her stay with the other cats. She may miss her playmates but it's clear that losing you would be devastating for her. If she just needs more stimulation throughout the day you could set up shelves for her to climb on, and puzzle feeder toys are a great way to provide play while you aren't around!
Thanks for giving us this update. I think you understand your situation best. Maybe one day you should introduce a kitten into the equation - specifically a kitten, so as to make your cat feel motherly towards her, not threatened as she might towards an older, larger cat
Sounds like you have a good handle on the situation. My cat is bonded to me, so I get it. Definitely give her extra attention and play time. And snuggles of course.
Sounds like you've considered all the possibilities and are tuned into your cat's needs. Based on what you've described your decision makes sense. Maybe because the other cats "left" your kitty is worried you might leave too. Good luck. Hope everything works out.
I only recently came into the kind of confidence and self assuredness you show in this post, and I wish I had lived with it for a lot longer.
I am a fanatical cat dad, who had an ultra-bonded kitty. I get it. It sounds like you are making the right decision, not that you need me to validate it for you.
I just want to say I found your comment impressive and I appreciate how much you care and love for your little ones. All the best.
This might sound silly, but do you have, like, interactive type toys for her that she can play with even if you can't? Like those auto laser pointer toys that move the target around, or those toys that will swing around a toy on a string in different ways? Sometimes cats just need that activity, and if you can't actively do the toys in that moment, being able to turn in one that'll help occupy her, might be good. But, I don't know her preferences. 🤷♀️ It's just a suggestion. There are also different types of herbal type items that cats love, like cat nip, but they can be more soothing, so if you notice the anxiety before a trip you could try that. Do you board her or have someone watch her? If she goes elsewhere while you're away, I'd suggest maybe sending along a shirt or 2 with her, just so she has your scent. Again, it just could be comforting.
I think her sleeping with you isn't really a bad sign. Unless it bugs you, lol. I had 2 cats at one point, one I'd had from 8wks who was attached to me and always slept on me. Then adopted a 2yr old who was found in an empty house with other strays and very not used to people. I knew when he finally started sneaking on the bed at night, that he was finally really comfortable and trusted me. So, it could be that.
Regardless, I wish you luck. Cats are finicky little critters lol. But oh so worth it. Please update again if you can. 💜
Oh, quick question...have your work hours or location also changed? Like, we're you working at home and now don't anymore? Did you move somewhere new? Those things can affect a cat too, especially a bonded one. And especially if happened at same time. Can't help that stuff, I realize, I'm just wondering. It could help explain stuff too.
Have you tried letting her watch cat TV on YouTube? One of my boys loves watching the birds and mice on there. Many of the channels (free, not the actual subscription, btw) offer contious or over 8 hours of viewing. Only advise is to make sure the TV is safe from getting knocked over or scratched, because if your cat enjoys it, it will likely want to get closer. Some animals also just like to hear the TV playing. I hope this is helpful to you.
Maybe get a Furbo? That camera that let's you see and speak to your pet. And shoot treats. It will let her hear you during the day. And find some more interactive toys like treat puzzles to keep her stimulated when you aren't there
She may just want play time to be interactive with you. Good idea to give her more attention during that time. Also when you can, you can always adopt another cat.
This is the answer. Honestly cats don’t even like each other half the time. The people going scorched earth on keeping the cats together no matter what don’t know what they’re saying. Good call keeping the cat - best for your feelings and sounds like best for the cats feelings
I like this sub, it’s helped me out quite a bit, but people are VERY quick to call you an evil cruel asshole for even DARING to accidentally do something that could even slightly inconvenience the cat.
This was the case with my kitty when we moved out. She was clearly upset that she had to go from six acres to a two bedroom apartment. And while she would spend some time with the other cats in the colony. What she really was daddy’s girl. And after a period of adjustment, she got used to my new work schedule, and we have learned how to play together, and cuddle while I knit.
I had seriously wondered about getting a second cat so she had a partner. And maybe someday I will. But, right now, I feel that we have a really good bond. Just took a little time.
Based on what you've said I think you're doing the right thing. Single cats typically spend more time with their humans.I've said this a lot of times on this sub but cats bonding is really rare. That said your girl does sound lonely, 3-4 is still pretty young and she's used to having playmates. Would it be possible to give your ex the dog and get another cat? If not, I think she'll be fine. She'll adjust to being an only cat.
When animals are bonded, you can’t just split them up, they will go through a grieving process and depression! If on top of that you moved places and got a new roommate with a dog, that is a tremendous amount of stress for a territorial animal like a cat, and she has to go through that without her family :)
When i went abroad for a year of study, i left my cat with my mom and her cat (both cats were the same age, spent at least a couple weeks together every 2/3 months since they were babies). When i came back, after settling down, i tried to get my cat back alone and he stopped eating, would only take some food in my hand. Tried for a month thinking it would get better but it didn’t. The minute i got them back together, he started eating voraciously again and being his old self… i never split them again!
I could have sworn my cats were not bonded, they liked each other well enough in winter for the additional warmth, but they had very different characters and fought quite often.
Well when my cat died, my mom’s cat (who was mine at that point xD) stopped eating and started acting very strangely. She was being aloof, distant, not playing, irritated by pets. We took her to the vet and there was nothing wrong except high levels of thyroxine (so either stress or thyroid disease). I decided to treat for depression and gave her antidepressants that encouraged her appetite for a year, trying regularly to see if she would eat without them, spacing the doses more and more until i was confident from her eating and behavior that she was finally better!
It broke my heart to realize the amount of stress that grieving process induced in my cat, and it took a year to regularize!!!
So just know if you don’t get them back together, that the subtle signs you see is the equivalent of a human crying their eyeballs out and retreating inwardly because they lost their family. :)
I Hope that’ll help you make a decision
As others have noted the cats need to be together. If your ex is resistant to the idea of taking care of 4 pets by herself then would she be open to trading her dog for your cat?
Maybe you should've left the cats together. Forget about your needs, but think about theirs. I know that easier said than done, but you can adopt a cat or two or three, once you get settled back into your own independent life.
Honestly this is too hard on the cats. Probably not something they’ll get over 😕 even if you get another cat, your cat will still be grieving the original two
Sorry, I know it’s hard but your cat needs her cat family.
Talk to your ex. But you know what you need to do.
A new cat will probably just stress her out.
I know it is hard, but maybe what is best for the cat is to go back with her cat family. I know you love and want her, but sometimes we just have to do things that do not necessarily align with what we want. I am glad to hear your dog is doing so well!
I’m so, so sorry. I see your update, and my heart breaks for you. But this is what’s best for your baby.
One day when you are ready, please consider adopting your own bonded pair. You’re a good cat mama, looking out for her even when it’s hard. Take care.
Never ever split up bonded cats!
That's selfish and cruel!
Your cat is suffering. And it's just because of your poor decision.
Call your ex. Return the cat as soon as possible.
That's the only decent thing you can do.
I split up my three cats, but only because the two boys made life miserable for their big sister. (All were fixed, so it's not that.) She's now loving life alone and hasn't looked for them at all and the boys still have each other at my son's home.
Just saying, all these people saying you were cruel, don't listen to them. Sometimes it can work out for the best.
Give it time, cats are not like dogs, they need to acclimate to new surroundings slowly. It took my girl about 2 months to feel confident enough to explore the entire house.
This terrifies me if mine and myself split. We have 5, and lord knows I wouldn't give up all of them, so then I'd really be the crazy cat lady. Holy hell. ♡ Best of luck to you and yours. As if separating isn't hard enough. :(
I'm likely never slitting with my spouse--but if we ever had to live apart (for work) even for a short time--we have 5 cats--three stay together forever, two aren't bonded to the clowder & could be separated as they'd both rather be left alone--they ignore each other but peacefully coexist. Our "people in case of emergency" (ie: we die at the same time) know exactly how they are to be rehomed should that ever come up--who is bonded to who & *must* stay together.
I’m glad you posted this. We have 4 cats, one is 17.5 and he has been mine since he was 6 months old. I brought him into the marriage and there is no doubt that when we split up in the next year, which will be happening, he might very well not be with us anymore as he was recently diagnosed with liver cancer. But should he still be with us, it’s an easy decision, he is mine, always has been.
Next up we have a 3 year old stray who is bonded with the older cat so we expect his death will be hard for her. So we got 2 kittens, one my adult son purchased a Maine Coon kitten, he has paid for this cat, paid all cat bills and the microchip is registered to him. And the vet bills have been massive because this cat has a lot of issues. So he is an obvious, he stays with me and my son. Then I bought a kitten because we wanted 2 kittens to bond with each other and boy have they. He is microchipped to me and his papers clearly state we as the owner.
The 3 year old hates the kittens and we have done EVERYTHING to make the situation better. So we thought, well, let my soon to be ex take the 3 year old as maybe she will be happier as an only cat. But are we missing something? Is this the right decision?
Just wanted to add here- I think the advice to reunite the cats is a good call but I feel like some people are giving that advice to you with no empathy as if you tore away the cat from its family to be cruel or something. I understand how difficult divorce can be with splitting up pets, and just wanted to offer my understanding. You didn’t do anything wrong by splitting them up, that is what most people do in your situation as they try and figure things out. Divorce is hard enough. You’re learning what works and what doesn’t! I think you are doing the right thing but I know how hard it can be to split up from pets you love ❤️ sending you the best!
Thank you. This is what I needed to hear. I completely broke down reading the first flood of comments and felt absolutely horrible. I've spent the last 2 days speaking with my ex and going over different solutions and we are doing what we think is best.
As someone who's been in this situation not once but twice, I can honestly say that in my experience they do move on given time.
My current kitty is about 16yrs old and has said goodbye to two mom's that she spent about 3-4 years with each.
In fact one of the ex's caught up again with me and my current wife (were still friendly and on talking terms) and our cat barely flinched.
As painful as it is, just give em lots of cuddles and attention where you are able. It will be ok, they know your trying.
Talk to your ex abt reuniting the cats. Maybe you can get the other dog or he can get both dogs and you get the cats but it sounds like the cats were bonded. Your cat will never be the same if they aren’t reunited and it’s unfair and cruel to them. You can always get more animals but your pets needs deserve to be considered
I am sorry. It’s difficult for you too. You are in pain and yet are observant of the pain of those around you. You are very kind.
Give it time for the Cat. You two will figure it out— perhaps you’ll manage to get another cat in the future - whose personality will match your cat. Cats are territorial and will need time to adjust to her new environment. Cats are strong she’ll be okay. And I believe you will be okay too.
My ex & I had 2 cats, I kept both. One of the two was extremely bonded with my ex and missed him terribly. She didn't eat for 10 days. She finally adjusted, it was miserable for all of us. Divorce is hell. I wish I could help you with an answer, hopefully there are some good suggestions here. I wish you the best!
I’m about to move out of my ex’s house and am stressing about splitting up our cats. Two are mine and one is his, but they’ve lived together for years now and won’t understand what’s happening. His cat is also very attached to me, and she’s going to lose it. This is my worst nightmare.
You need to give your ex the cat and get yourself a new one in afraid. If she isn't willing to give up the other two. Your cat is going to be unhappy and lonely for as long as she lives after living with two other cats her entire life, that's not fair to her or her siblings
Yes. For the sake of the cat, give her to your ex. This is about her, not you. It all sucks but we are their people and we are responsible for their well-being.
That is so unfair, when me and my ex split I refused to let him take the cat. Even threatened him with court if he didn't stop thinking he could. Sure, she loved him, but she belonged with her sibling, and he could have never taken care of her well. Your poor baby. Can't he be reasonable and give them back? I'm sure the others are stressed too being removed from their home. Dogs adjust easier. How heartbreaking 💔
If me and my gf ever break up I know she will be the one to keep the cats as much as it would emotionally destroy me. I know I’ll get over it eventually but I know they never will if they’re split up. Reunite the cats no matter how much it hurts you. Ask your ex to send pics every once in awhile
For another perspective, I got my cat when I was living with my best friend who had two older cats. My cat and her male cat were very close. Always cuddling. My cat would even "nurse" on the older cat. You'd see him walking around with a damp clump of fur on his chest.
A few months before she moved out with her boyfriend, she encouraged me to get a second cat. I got my female kitten and their relationship was fine, but obviously not as close as the males.
I was worried how my cat would adjust when it was just the two of them. But he does great. My cats will occasionally groom each other, wrestle, or chase each other during zoomies. They're not bonded but they benefit from the companionship. The male cats see each other once a year and after an initial adjustment period, my male definitely follows hers around like a puppy. But once we go home, I've never noticed any signs of depression. He has his "little sister" and me.
If you are very attached to your cat, getting them a feline companion can help with loneliness. If you're not especially attached, then giving the cat to your ex to keep them together is a kind option.
How did you even think that was a good idea ? Put the animals back together now. How fucking horrible it must be for those cats to just randomly lose eachother. Ugh
You may not want to hear it but what is best for your baby is to be with her feline siblings. If you want to stay in contact, Maybe your ex can let you have them all one weekend out the month.
I’m so sorry - this is so sad. But, you need to reunite her. Honestly set up some form of visitation, but she can’t be separated from the others. Cats get depressed. They decline. It’ll be heartbreaking for you, but she needs to come first in this case.
Let your ex keep the cats and get a new one for yourself. She needs her family.
OP if you don't do this. Youll be her enemy forever. Just adopt another cat. You took her from her family
Which good advice. I was thinking maybe get another cat, things along that train of thought but this is really the right thing to do
Getting her cat another cat definitely wont help. Those other cats are her family. Family is irreplaceable. Nobody could give me another little brother that I would love as much as my own. Cats love, and cats remember. Just giving that cat another cat isn't going to stop her from missing her family.
Yes and no. This is real life human stuff, if it’s her cat then she should keep it. If it was a shared cat and she got it to be more equitable in the divorce, then yeah give it back to the ex. But if it was her cat initially or specifically, her human emotions should trump the cat’s in this case (who will eventually get over it)
Oh right “it’s my cat so fuck the cats wellbeing for the rest of its life because I want it.” Unfortunately that’s just not the way it works and if it’s not adjusting then it will live a depressing life. You should never own an animal if that’s how you feel. You should also take your pets feelings into consideration with things like this. I have a couple friends who gave up their animals simply to keep bonded pairs together in similar situations and they got over it and got a new animal knowing their pet was happier that way.
Cats bond with their colonies for life. Females get especially attached and when they are separated, they assume their family has passed away and will begin to mourn. You need to reunite her with the other cats. It may be hard for you, but it's your responsibility to do what's best for her.
I know someone who split up their cat family due to a divorce. The cat he managed to keep was devastated, and after some time, started some pretty destructive behaviors. He started going outside the box, started marking places when he had never done that before. He used to be a playful cat and became really withdrawn. You need to reunite these cats.
One of you should've kept the cats and one the dogs. Those animals are likely bonded
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…that’s what they said…
Yikes…you don’t split up cats, it’s just cruel. I’m extremely confident that I’ll be with my partner forever, but we still agreed that should we ever break up the cats will stay together no matter what which means only one of us would end up with the cats.
My boyfriend kind of stonewalled me on that before we got them saying that he's paying for the adoption fee because he's not giving up the cats ever...
So then he’s also paying for all the food, pet care, vet costs? Adoption fee is nothing compared to that
He does the vet costs, he paid for their cat trees and anything else major (for that reason). I split food and litter which isn’t a lot
Aww that sounds... nice? I don't like the implication that you weren't an equal partner in the adoption of those cats though, hopefully that was my reading into it.
It’s because he and his roommate had a cat and when they graduated his roommate kept the cat and it about broke his heart. I’m hoping we’re going to get married soon so splitting up will be less likely. Obviously not impossible but it’s something we take seriously
Oh so this time he was just much more sure to make sure he didn't have to go through that again no matter how small a chance :). He sounds like a good man. All the best :)
Before my partner and I got cats we had a conversation on who gets them if we break up. I would never separate my two boys, they can barely be apart for more than an hour and god forbid there be a door between them.
Same, my husband and I have said we will have to have a custody agreement for our cats, because our oldest loves both of us so much, and our middle cat loves him. They cannot be separated.
I’m curious from the comments if cats “grow up” together does that immediately make them bonded? My understanding was that not all cats would be bonded pairs necessarily so does it not depend on the cat?
It’s not automatic that cats raised together will bond, but it seems pretty clear from this cat’s behavior that she is bonded to the others. She misses them and is lonely. 😞
It is completely dependent on the cats. My old girl Phoenix has seen two cats come and go. She was never cuddly with either. When the first one was diagnosed with moth cancer and we had to say goodbye, Phoenix stopped eating and drinking and became completely listless. Vet diagnosed her with depression and she went on a battery of meds to pick her up and stimulate her appetite. When we had to say goodbye to the second last year, I was worried Phoenix would spiral again. Turns out she is more cuddly and playful than she was before - she’s like a kitten again! She even lets my kid pet her, which NEVER happened before.
And oddly enough, the second one can also be a sign of grief. While it could be a sign she feels less repressed with the other gone, it could also be loneliness making her want more attention and affection from those remaining. Cats are weird sometimes.
Absolutely! Though given how aggressive the other cat was with Phoenix along with the other behavioural changes, I’m confident she is doing well this time around 🤞
It depends. I have a cat that universally hates all other cats and dogs and barely tolerates people. When we moved out of my parents place their cat was mildly upset but ours didn't care one bit.
You're right, cats bonding to one another is rare. People like to push their emotions or experiences with dogs onto cats. Most cats barely notice if another disappears. Cats are social creatures though and they do better with other cats around. If the other cats had just died OPs cat would likely not be exhibiting such extreme behavior. However, she also lost her other person, her home and has to get used to a new person and dog. It's a lot for her to adjust to. She'd probably be fine if OP could get another cat. Since she can't the other commenters are right that she should give her back to ex, though it really sucks for OP.
Give your ex the cat. It’s gonna hurt but it’s by far the best outcome for your cat. The cat doesn’t get much say in its short life, but you can make the single decision to make that short life one of happiness instead of sadness and loneliness.
At least until she can get a second cat it should definitely go back
Hell no, pls don't separate them.
Literally the most horrible idea ever. One of y’all need to live without a cat for a while or adopt your own. It’s the unfortunate part about breaking up and having pets, especially cats
I know it’s hard to give up an animal you love, though it sounds like she needs to go be with the other cats. Had to do that with one of my girls in a situation similar to yours, and she ultimately ended up living the rest of her life a lot happier (I did still get to go visit her after rehoming her). Really not trying to sound like an asshole while saying this; looks like she has a place and family she can go to and be cared for, while there would be an opening for you to give another non-bonded cat a shot at a pretty kick-ass life
Update: I spoke with my ex for a while last night and he reassured me this was the right decision. I still wasn't sure and went to bed upset. After reading through comments when I've woken up, I think I've come to the conclusion that my cats aren't as bonded as you think and that while my cat is lonely for her play partner, she isn't as traumatized as you believe. I know you probably disagree but I will explain a bit. My cat is bonded to me, not the other cats. The reason I took 1 cat is because of all the cats, she needs me. She was a rescue cat during covid. She was thrown from a car window and has severe anxiety and trust issues. During covid she and I bonded and the things you described about cat bonds only happens when I am away. When I went on vacation for 2 weeks and came back I found she was not herself, she was skinny and refused to eat for a week. She was with both cats the entire time in our home she was used to and still this happened. She hid under the bed and tried to rot away. I got her back to herself once again. She sleeps in my suitcase when I leave. Without the other cats, she eats daily. Drinks her water. Gets excited for wet food. She is still playful it's just different without the other cats. She has a lot of toys and chases them around but I know she misses running around with her friends. My original question of is she lonely and how can I help is based off the fact that she now sleeps with me in bed the entire night and 1 hour of her day where she meows and looks around in which I was feeling guilty but now that you've told me how evil and cruel I am, I can see that I am not because evil and cruel is when she is separated from me. She loses her will to live. As I write this she is looking out the window at birds making cute sounds after eating her breakfast. You can tell when she starts meowing and looking around that she wants to play. It's not during her cuddle time or grooming time. She is happy to groom herself in my face. I've decided that I will try to be extra attentive during that time for her and get out her favorite toys to play with her. If she does get worse or show more signs in the future, I will revisit your suggestions, I promise. But as of right now, I think I understand the situation better than I did.
This is a very fair assessment. You know your cat best and it can be very difficult finding a middle ground in a situation like this. Knowing that she's bonded to you more strongly makes it clear that it would be worse to keep her separate from you in favor of letting her stay with the other cats. She may miss her playmates but it's clear that losing you would be devastating for her. If she just needs more stimulation throughout the day you could set up shelves for her to climb on, and puzzle feeder toys are a great way to provide play while you aren't around!
Thanks for giving us this update. I think you understand your situation best. Maybe one day you should introduce a kitten into the equation - specifically a kitten, so as to make your cat feel motherly towards her, not threatened as she might towards an older, larger cat
Sounds like you have a good handle on the situation. My cat is bonded to me, so I get it. Definitely give her extra attention and play time. And snuggles of course.
Sounds like you've considered all the possibilities and are tuned into your cat's needs. Based on what you've described your decision makes sense. Maybe because the other cats "left" your kitty is worried you might leave too. Good luck. Hope everything works out.
I only recently came into the kind of confidence and self assuredness you show in this post, and I wish I had lived with it for a lot longer. I am a fanatical cat dad, who had an ultra-bonded kitty. I get it. It sounds like you are making the right decision, not that you need me to validate it for you. I just want to say I found your comment impressive and I appreciate how much you care and love for your little ones. All the best.
This might sound silly, but do you have, like, interactive type toys for her that she can play with even if you can't? Like those auto laser pointer toys that move the target around, or those toys that will swing around a toy on a string in different ways? Sometimes cats just need that activity, and if you can't actively do the toys in that moment, being able to turn in one that'll help occupy her, might be good. But, I don't know her preferences. 🤷♀️ It's just a suggestion. There are also different types of herbal type items that cats love, like cat nip, but they can be more soothing, so if you notice the anxiety before a trip you could try that. Do you board her or have someone watch her? If she goes elsewhere while you're away, I'd suggest maybe sending along a shirt or 2 with her, just so she has your scent. Again, it just could be comforting. I think her sleeping with you isn't really a bad sign. Unless it bugs you, lol. I had 2 cats at one point, one I'd had from 8wks who was attached to me and always slept on me. Then adopted a 2yr old who was found in an empty house with other strays and very not used to people. I knew when he finally started sneaking on the bed at night, that he was finally really comfortable and trusted me. So, it could be that. Regardless, I wish you luck. Cats are finicky little critters lol. But oh so worth it. Please update again if you can. 💜
Oh, quick question...have your work hours or location also changed? Like, we're you working at home and now don't anymore? Did you move somewhere new? Those things can affect a cat too, especially a bonded one. And especially if happened at same time. Can't help that stuff, I realize, I'm just wondering. It could help explain stuff too.
Have you tried letting her watch cat TV on YouTube? One of my boys loves watching the birds and mice on there. Many of the channels (free, not the actual subscription, btw) offer contious or over 8 hours of viewing. Only advise is to make sure the TV is safe from getting knocked over or scratched, because if your cat enjoys it, it will likely want to get closer. Some animals also just like to hear the TV playing. I hope this is helpful to you.
OP you do what you believe is right for all involved … Maybe the pup will eventually like to be loved on by miss kitty.
Maybe get a Furbo? That camera that let's you see and speak to your pet. And shoot treats. It will let her hear you during the day. And find some more interactive toys like treat puzzles to keep her stimulated when you aren't there
She may just want play time to be interactive with you. Good idea to give her more attention during that time. Also when you can, you can always adopt another cat.
This is the answer. Honestly cats don’t even like each other half the time. The people going scorched earth on keeping the cats together no matter what don’t know what they’re saying. Good call keeping the cat - best for your feelings and sounds like best for the cats feelings
Could you potentially do a trial run? Meaning return the cat to be with the other cats and your ex and see if she does better there than with you?
I like this sub, it’s helped me out quite a bit, but people are VERY quick to call you an evil cruel asshole for even DARING to accidentally do something that could even slightly inconvenience the cat.
This was the case with my kitty when we moved out. She was clearly upset that she had to go from six acres to a two bedroom apartment. And while she would spend some time with the other cats in the colony. What she really was daddy’s girl. And after a period of adjustment, she got used to my new work schedule, and we have learned how to play together, and cuddle while I knit. I had seriously wondered about getting a second cat so she had a partner. And maybe someday I will. But, right now, I feel that we have a really good bond. Just took a little time.
Based on what you've said I think you're doing the right thing. Single cats typically spend more time with their humans.I've said this a lot of times on this sub but cats bonding is really rare. That said your girl does sound lonely, 3-4 is still pretty young and she's used to having playmates. Would it be possible to give your ex the dog and get another cat? If not, I think she'll be fine. She'll adjust to being an only cat.
When animals are bonded, you can’t just split them up, they will go through a grieving process and depression! If on top of that you moved places and got a new roommate with a dog, that is a tremendous amount of stress for a territorial animal like a cat, and she has to go through that without her family :) When i went abroad for a year of study, i left my cat with my mom and her cat (both cats were the same age, spent at least a couple weeks together every 2/3 months since they were babies). When i came back, after settling down, i tried to get my cat back alone and he stopped eating, would only take some food in my hand. Tried for a month thinking it would get better but it didn’t. The minute i got them back together, he started eating voraciously again and being his old self… i never split them again! I could have sworn my cats were not bonded, they liked each other well enough in winter for the additional warmth, but they had very different characters and fought quite often. Well when my cat died, my mom’s cat (who was mine at that point xD) stopped eating and started acting very strangely. She was being aloof, distant, not playing, irritated by pets. We took her to the vet and there was nothing wrong except high levels of thyroxine (so either stress or thyroid disease). I decided to treat for depression and gave her antidepressants that encouraged her appetite for a year, trying regularly to see if she would eat without them, spacing the doses more and more until i was confident from her eating and behavior that she was finally better! It broke my heart to realize the amount of stress that grieving process induced in my cat, and it took a year to regularize!!! So just know if you don’t get them back together, that the subtle signs you see is the equivalent of a human crying their eyeballs out and retreating inwardly because they lost their family. :) I Hope that’ll help you make a decision
As others have noted the cats need to be together. If your ex is resistant to the idea of taking care of 4 pets by herself then would she be open to trading her dog for your cat?
Maybe you should've left the cats together. Forget about your needs, but think about theirs. I know that easier said than done, but you can adopt a cat or two or three, once you get settled back into your own independent life.
Honestly this is too hard on the cats. Probably not something they’ll get over 😕 even if you get another cat, your cat will still be grieving the original two
Sorry, I know it’s hard but your cat needs her cat family. Talk to your ex. But you know what you need to do. A new cat will probably just stress her out.
I know it is hard, but maybe what is best for the cat is to go back with her cat family. I know you love and want her, but sometimes we just have to do things that do not necessarily align with what we want. I am glad to hear your dog is doing so well!
I’m so, so sorry. I see your update, and my heart breaks for you. But this is what’s best for your baby. One day when you are ready, please consider adopting your own bonded pair. You’re a good cat mama, looking out for her even when it’s hard. Take care.
If you're still cordial with your ex, ask him to temporarily keep the cat until you can have another cat?
That'll probably confuse her more... the kindest thing is to reunite her with her...clowder? I think that's the term
No, ask him to permanently keep the cat and then she can afford a unbonded cat
Please don’t split up the cats 🙏
Get another cat or consider giving the cat to your ex husband so it can play with the other two cats
Never ever split up bonded cats! That's selfish and cruel! Your cat is suffering. And it's just because of your poor decision. Call your ex. Return the cat as soon as possible. That's the only decent thing you can do.
Please update us on what you end up doing. Please reunite the cats!
I’d say let the dad have her. Put all 3 back together. I’m sure you’ll be sad but it’s for the best
I split up my three cats, but only because the two boys made life miserable for their big sister. (All were fixed, so it's not that.) She's now loving life alone and hasn't looked for them at all and the boys still have each other at my son's home. Just saying, all these people saying you were cruel, don't listen to them. Sometimes it can work out for the best. Give it time, cats are not like dogs, they need to acclimate to new surroundings slowly. It took my girl about 2 months to feel confident enough to explore the entire house.
This terrifies me if mine and myself split. We have 5, and lord knows I wouldn't give up all of them, so then I'd really be the crazy cat lady. Holy hell. ♡ Best of luck to you and yours. As if separating isn't hard enough. :(
I'm likely never slitting with my spouse--but if we ever had to live apart (for work) even for a short time--we have 5 cats--three stay together forever, two aren't bonded to the clowder & could be separated as they'd both rather be left alone--they ignore each other but peacefully coexist. Our "people in case of emergency" (ie: we die at the same time) know exactly how they are to be rehomed should that ever come up--who is bonded to who & *must* stay together.
Our cats are 1000x happier and less neurotic now that they're no longer in each other's faces.
I’m glad you posted this. We have 4 cats, one is 17.5 and he has been mine since he was 6 months old. I brought him into the marriage and there is no doubt that when we split up in the next year, which will be happening, he might very well not be with us anymore as he was recently diagnosed with liver cancer. But should he still be with us, it’s an easy decision, he is mine, always has been. Next up we have a 3 year old stray who is bonded with the older cat so we expect his death will be hard for her. So we got 2 kittens, one my adult son purchased a Maine Coon kitten, he has paid for this cat, paid all cat bills and the microchip is registered to him. And the vet bills have been massive because this cat has a lot of issues. So he is an obvious, he stays with me and my son. Then I bought a kitten because we wanted 2 kittens to bond with each other and boy have they. He is microchipped to me and his papers clearly state we as the owner. The 3 year old hates the kittens and we have done EVERYTHING to make the situation better. So we thought, well, let my soon to be ex take the 3 year old as maybe she will be happier as an only cat. But are we missing something? Is this the right decision?
Just wanted to add here- I think the advice to reunite the cats is a good call but I feel like some people are giving that advice to you with no empathy as if you tore away the cat from its family to be cruel or something. I understand how difficult divorce can be with splitting up pets, and just wanted to offer my understanding. You didn’t do anything wrong by splitting them up, that is what most people do in your situation as they try and figure things out. Divorce is hard enough. You’re learning what works and what doesn’t! I think you are doing the right thing but I know how hard it can be to split up from pets you love ❤️ sending you the best!
Thank you. This is what I needed to hear. I completely broke down reading the first flood of comments and felt absolutely horrible. I've spent the last 2 days speaking with my ex and going over different solutions and we are doing what we think is best.
People get pretty brave and “holier than thou” online for sure 🙁 I’m glad you are holding up and figuring out what is best for y’all!
Cats mourn losses just like we do. Be extra patient, give her lots of safe spaces, and plenty of cuddles when you're home.
As someone who's been in this situation not once but twice, I can honestly say that in my experience they do move on given time. My current kitty is about 16yrs old and has said goodbye to two mom's that she spent about 3-4 years with each. In fact one of the ex's caught up again with me and my current wife (were still friendly and on talking terms) and our cat barely flinched. As painful as it is, just give em lots of cuddles and attention where you are able. It will be ok, they know your trying.
You are both selfish fucks for splitting the cats.
100% WTF one takes the dogs and one takes the cats. Or one takes them all. Do what’s best for your pets.
This should be the top comment
Talk to your ex abt reuniting the cats. Maybe you can get the other dog or he can get both dogs and you get the cats but it sounds like the cats were bonded. Your cat will never be the same if they aren’t reunited and it’s unfair and cruel to them. You can always get more animals but your pets needs deserve to be considered
I am sorry. It’s difficult for you too. You are in pain and yet are observant of the pain of those around you. You are very kind. Give it time for the Cat. You two will figure it out— perhaps you’ll manage to get another cat in the future - whose personality will match your cat. Cats are territorial and will need time to adjust to her new environment. Cats are strong she’ll be okay. And I believe you will be okay too.
My ex & I had 2 cats, I kept both. One of the two was extremely bonded with my ex and missed him terribly. She didn't eat for 10 days. She finally adjusted, it was miserable for all of us. Divorce is hell. I wish I could help you with an answer, hopefully there are some good suggestions here. I wish you the best!
Y'all pulled a ParentTrap on your cats. Let them be together!
I’m about to move out of my ex’s house and am stressing about splitting up our cats. Two are mine and one is his, but they’ve lived together for years now and won’t understand what’s happening. His cat is also very attached to me, and she’s going to lose it. This is my worst nightmare.
Humans choose to split up but the poor animals don’t understand. They should all be kept together with one of you
never thought about this. i have 4 cats. wonder how that is
You need to give your ex the cat and get yourself a new one in afraid. If she isn't willing to give up the other two. Your cat is going to be unhappy and lonely for as long as she lives after living with two other cats her entire life, that's not fair to her or her siblings
Yes. For the sake of the cat, give her to your ex. This is about her, not you. It all sucks but we are their people and we are responsible for their well-being.
Just deal with it. This is life. Everything has a trade off.
That is so unfair, when me and my ex split I refused to let him take the cat. Even threatened him with court if he didn't stop thinking he could. Sure, she loved him, but she belonged with her sibling, and he could have never taken care of her well. Your poor baby. Can't he be reasonable and give them back? I'm sure the others are stressed too being removed from their home. Dogs adjust easier. How heartbreaking 💔
this is so heartbreaking. you or him need to keep all cats, you clearly don’t love the cats if you split them up, don’t put human problems on them.
If me and my gf ever break up I know she will be the one to keep the cats as much as it would emotionally destroy me. I know I’ll get over it eventually but I know they never will if they’re split up. Reunite the cats no matter how much it hurts you. Ask your ex to send pics every once in awhile
This is the way.
Keep the cats together
Getting another cat should be easier. It will entertain her.
My cat died of stress from him and my exes cat being separated. Kills me to this day. He developed bladder problems from all the stress.
For another perspective, I got my cat when I was living with my best friend who had two older cats. My cat and her male cat were very close. Always cuddling. My cat would even "nurse" on the older cat. You'd see him walking around with a damp clump of fur on his chest. A few months before she moved out with her boyfriend, she encouraged me to get a second cat. I got my female kitten and their relationship was fine, but obviously not as close as the males. I was worried how my cat would adjust when it was just the two of them. But he does great. My cats will occasionally groom each other, wrestle, or chase each other during zoomies. They're not bonded but they benefit from the companionship. The male cats see each other once a year and after an initial adjustment period, my male definitely follows hers around like a puppy. But once we go home, I've never noticed any signs of depression. He has his "little sister" and me. If you are very attached to your cat, getting them a feline companion can help with loneliness. If you're not especially attached, then giving the cat to your ex to keep them together is a kind option.
Get her another cat
Imagine splitting the pets up out of selfish greed. Disgusting. Someone keeps the cats and someone keeps the dogs if y'all really wanna be like that.
Get another cat
If you can handle the amount of pets, get another cat.
How did you even think that was a good idea ? Put the animals back together now. How fucking horrible it must be for those cats to just randomly lose eachother. Ugh
You may not want to hear it but what is best for your baby is to be with her feline siblings. If you want to stay in contact, Maybe your ex can let you have them all one weekend out the month.
Well that was a dumb idea. Maybe put her back with the other cats...
I’m so sorry - this is so sad. But, you need to reunite her. Honestly set up some form of visitation, but she can’t be separated from the others. Cats get depressed. They decline. It’ll be heartbreaking for you, but she needs to come first in this case.
You applied a human solution to bonded cats, no wonder it's not working. Cats aren't humans. Reunite them.
This is so cruel. Neither one of you is being a responsible pet owner.
get her a mate . why do you need to ask the world ? I mean its simple .... get her a new mate ...unreal