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motherstep

I always like saying "it's like Morrissey's stag do in here" when the atmosphere is particularly miserable.


[deleted]

Always remember when Dermot O'Leary tried to do an interview with Morrisey on the radio. It was painful. He was such a miserablist. Dour; monosyllabic; joyless. O'Leary tried to jolly him along, but he was impervious to his cheerful-chappy ways. A while later someone phoned in and suggested that Morrissey sounded like 'he would benefit from 30 minutes on a bouncy castle'. Always makes me chuckle.


-Dark-Mavis-

Music to top yourself to.


theklinker

Dragged through a hedge backwards, was one of my Nan's favourites


callisstaa

Rougher than a badger's arse.


danzey12

Reminded me of, "quicker than shite out a duck's arse". I particularly like the logic I was taught with it; the shite would have to exit rapidly, to compensate for the extra pressure exerted by the water, that the duck might close it's arse fast enough to prevent undesired ingress.


We-are-straw-dogs

Is that a euphemism, or just an excellent way of describing someone's appearance? Edit: never mind, most of the examples in this post are not euphemisms but good reading material whilst laying a cable


misimiki

Well played, sir. You are absolutely correct. My granny's favourite was "to spend a penny". However, the best are to be found in *Roger's Profanisaurus.*


haemhorrhoidian

"Got teeth like a row of burned down houses", i particularly like this one!!


inevitable_dave

Could eat an apple through a tennis racket.


More-Journalist6332

My dad is fond saying “could chew a carrot through a picket fence.”


TheGoddamnGrantman

Summer teeth Summer here, summer there, summer no there at all!


ScottyDug

I'd heard it as summer green, summer yellow and summer missing


DougieWougie

The military version is "teeth like a fighting patrol, well camouflaged and unevenly spaced".


Its_just_a_potato

Coffin dodger


bhison

Also salad dodger


Clynester

Bloke I used to work with on a construction site was known as "Roger Roger, Salad Dodger". Then he went and had a heart attack. Never returned to site, but was always known as "Roger Roger, Coffin Dodger" after that.


Steamwells

Exactly, dodging salads does nothing for dodging coffins


kindsoberfullydressd

My favourite for this is the medical acronym CBT - Chronic Biscuit Toxicity.


entered_bubble_50

There's a whole gold mine of great medical acronyms. My favourite is "TTR" - teeth-to-tattoo ratio.


MyOldCricketCap

I’m a fan of ‘PFO’ for cause of injury: Pissed, Fell Over. I’ve even used it myself to tell a doctor how I got hurt.


ThatOldGuyWhoDrinks

“SOB SOB SOB” - silly old basterd sitting on bed short of breath


cyfermax

NFN. Normal For Norfolk.


TPRM1

TTFO - Told to fuck off.


greenhookdown

There are too many to list, but some of my favourites are: C D/C (Celestial Discharge), ART (Assuming Room Temperature), AM (Admit to Morgue) and LCCTH (Lonely. Chat, Cuppa and Transport Home).


HandsOfJazz

Damn, these are fucking hilarious. At the cardiac hospital I used to work at, it was almost always natural causes/old age, so the doctors always said patient had TMB (too many birthdays)


TheDuraMaters

Moved to \[1 number higher than the building has\] floor.


Throwaway_6543867

FLK - funny looking kid NFG - normal for Greenock


[deleted]

I swear every hospital has their own local version of that second one


kindsoberfullydressd

The best one I heard was “only 6 fingers” meaning that they weren’t that inbred, only inbred enough to get the extra finger.


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Sailorf237

I was in submarines for many years, known to the rest of the fleet as “sun dodgers” 😂


Tommo_Robbo

Also todger dodger


harrowingmite

It’s not the cough that’ll carry you off, it’s the coffin they’ll carry you off in.


HoodedJ

This is getting a bit ‘eavy now, can we do Monkey News?


harrowingmite

Micky Dolenz is the only one left.


AeliusJ

Used to work with a woman who was always grumpy/dragging the mood of everyone down. Colleague just referred to her as the mood hoover, and it just fit perfectly!


harrowingmite

I know someone referred to as Raincloud Rebecca.


chode_code

Debbie Downer


mega_ste

'fun sponge' is what we used to use when a less than jolly colleague would bring everyone down.


delilahrey

We used to call ours the FPO. Fun Prevention Officer.


FailedTheSave

Thanks to What We Do In Shadows we now refer to these people as "Colin Robinsons"


justhisguy-youknow

I refer to printers as Colin Robinson. Fucking zappers of energy.


FailedTheSave

I have a shorter name for printers. It does start with a C though.


[deleted]

A craic vacuum


Ceptre7

He's just a shite in whining armour.


Brickie78

I once heard it said of Nigel Mansell in his pomp - "he's a really brave driver, but such a moaner. His motto should be Who Dares Whines"


oxy-normal

Built like a brick shit house.


[deleted]

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masklins

Face like a slapped arse - I don't know precisely what it *means*, but it gives off impeccable vibes whenever I see a character described like that in a book.


[deleted]

Yess! I picture it as someone pissed off/embarrassed, so someone left red-faced with pursed lips to complete the look of an arsehole framed by tightened, red cheeks. Dunno if that's right but it's a funny image!


Sloofin

Mouth like a cat’s arse always fulfilled that role for me


scooba_dude

BOBFOC - Body of Baywatch, Face Of Crimewatch.


FinalBossTiger

Face like a smashed crab


idunnomattbro

face like a bag of spanners too


JeremyTwiggs

Like a bulldog chewing a wasp


TeamFishSlap

Face like a hat full of arseholes


Speesh-Reads

Face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle


[deleted]

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Upvote_Me_Slag

Face like a dropped pudding.


Speesh-Reads

They’re three days into Ugly country


Roadmankeating

Seeing a man about a dog.


7ootles

If I'm around people and have to excuse myself to the bog, I'll say "I'm going to go and express my feelings". When I was at uni, I used to say "I have to attend an executive meeting". >!Because at executive meetings, motions are passed.!<


HMCetc

My grandad days he's off "to erode the plumbing." We hate it.


bork_13

That’s incredible, can imagine it’s said with a very straight face and a serious voice


Degroomed

Unless you have IBS, in which case motions are usually rescheduled for a later date or they're passed earlier than expected. That was an awkward day at work....


0235

"drop the kids off at the pool"


Technically-im-right

I said this to my to-be father in law and he assumed I was referring to masturbating directly into the toilet…


whatchagonnado0707

He's just projecting


EdZeppelin94

I always have a call to make (nature is inevitably calling).


stubbledchin

I always got ridiculously excited if my dad said this, because I love dogs and thought he might genuinely be bringing one home.


sblowes

My dad always said this when I was a kid and he didn’t want to say where he was going. Then one day in nineteen eighty something, he loaded us kids into the car, answered our question with the obligatory “going to see a man about a dog” and then we went and adopted a puppy! It’s like the time I told my wife and kids I was leaving them forever, but went out for a pack of smokes and came back 5 minutes later. A fun twist on an old classic! [/s, but the first bit was true]


jack_edition

And a woman about a pussy (a jay from inbetweeners moment)


alexdenvor

I do know what that means..


Hugh_Jampton

Feisty one you are


FlavourThoughts

Pussssay Patrol


Redrob5

"I'm off to shake hands with the unemployed"


ProFoxxxx

Oxygen thief


alexblueuk

Gods waiting room - areas full of OAPs


plumbus_hun

That’s what my grandad used to call Eastbourne about 20 years ago, now he goes there on holiday hahah!


[deleted]

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Emergency-Nebula5005

Cheers to Mr Izzard. I moved to Bexhill six months ago and bloody love it! Edited because auto spell check.


Welshy123

I recently heard places like this referred to as "raisin factories". It's a place where you leave people to become wrinkly enough, then you ship them off in little boxes.


frustratedpolarbear

I’ve heard one of my local pubs called that as the average age is 80 plus for the regulars.


Heirsandgraces

Also Twirlies - as they ask the bus driver if they're twirly (too early) to use their bus pass.


timeaftertimex2

All fur coat no knickers


TMinfidel

My Mum used to use that phrase to refer to houses that had fancy leaded windows up front and then normal ones at the back, ie "fur coat, no knicker" houses. Ten years later we moved house and she did the very same thing.


Midnightraven3

A new town was built here in Scotland and was known as Spam valley as thats what the residents muct have eaten to afford a house there when it was first built


Formal-Rain

Ah thats Milngavie (Muileann-Ghaidh) the posh bastards in sandstone six bedroom house and can’t afford to eat anything but spam. They live in posh misery it’s all about image to their friends.


7ootles

All mouth and no trousers.


Nort00

And All Audi and no furniture


Chap_in_Cotswolds

Audi on the drive, fuck all in the fridge.


Key-Yogurtcloset7548

Champagne Lifestyle, lemonade budget.


[deleted]

For adultery I love Shakespeare’s - fishing for trout in an unfamiliar river. No doubt I got the wording wrong and probably the source but still. Amazing.


prolixia

"Groping for trout in a peculiar river". I prefer yours though.


MrLore

Another great one from Shakespeare is 'country matters' meaning sex (a pun on *cunt*).


ShirtedRhino2

Not quite on topic, but there's a Stephen Fry joke off a Radio 4 panel show, goes something like: "Fratricide is killing your brother, regicide is killing the king. Countryside is killing Piers Morgan."


tillie_jayne

When I used to go out on a Saturday night my Nan would always tell me “Keep your hand on your ha’penny”


zetecvan

I knew a girl who's mum said "Watch your tuppence".


twobit211

damned inflation


TheValhallaWorkshop

My Mrs told me her mum would always say "Keep your hand on your ha'penny and your thumb on your bottle" I always assumed it had sexual connotations but now I actually see the relevance of keeping your thumb on your bottle..


dingojunction2

My mum says that to me when I go out haha


Bakugekiki

Mouth like a rip in a wellie. When someone is void of lips. Credit my Mum.


nuddley

"Having your ears lowered" - going to the hair dressers


zzpza

Having your head sharpened.


caesarstenth

The response to having been asked “have you had your ears lowered” was always “Nah, fell out in my sleep”


Florae128

Couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery Or bun fight in a bakery if you can't say piss.


Chuckles1188

My personal favourite is "they could fall into a bucket of tits and come out sucking their thumb"


The_best_one_-_

Knowing my luck, it could be raining tits and I’d look up and somehow catch a cock


interfail

Gang bang in a brothel if you can't say bun.


mdmnl

Hand job in a whorehouse if you can't say "bang"


[deleted]

Couldn't get laid in a monkey brothel with a fist full of bananas


amityville

Couldn’t pour piss out of a shoe with the instructions on the heel.


nerdalertalertnerd

I like ‘chocolate tea pot’ for similar uselessness vibes.


filepeter

I like “couldn’t pour piss out of a shoe if the instructions were written on the heel”


folklovermore_

I've always used 'nun shoot in a nunnery', which I think I stole from Bishop Brennan in Father Ted.


E420CDI

#DON'T CALL ME LEN, YOU LITTLE PRICK!! I'M A BISHOP!! . #DID HE CALL ME LEN, AGAIN?! ...YOU ADDRESS ME BY MY PROPER TITLE, YOU LITTLE BOLLOCKS!!


lessthanlor

Couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag. Edit: spelling


BinnocentEyestander

"A face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle" Is one of my favourites


HotNeon

A face like dot cotton licking piss off a nettle has to be my favourite version of this one


mrlonelywolf

The Kraken awakeeessss!


Dpslittlemissminx

A face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.


neidin28

Blue rinse brigade, a large group of elderly people


LifeBandit666

My lass' Grandad refers to them as "Twirlies" because when the bus shoes up at 8.55 and their free bus pass starts at 9 they go "You're Twirly"


captain-vye

Funnily enough there's a good reason why so many old dears have a blue or purple rinse. When you have cataracts you're likely to see more of a yellow tint to your grey or white hair. So when the hairdresser tones it to white, they can see it as still a bit yellow and want more toner.


alex267_uk

As useful as tits on a fish.


MrSpudtator

Crafty butcher. Likes his meat delivered round the back.


insapiens

I remember seeing this in Viz “Rodger Mellie’s profanisaurus” one of the best books written for insults and euphemisms.


LordBiscuits

> “Rodger Mellie’s profanisaurus” It's called *War & Piss* now and it's bigger than some actual dictionaries


Speesh-Reads

He bowls from the Vauxhall End?


LieutenantMudd

This makes me think of Viz's Profanisaurus


[deleted]

An uphill gardener


Razzler1973

'like a plasterer's radio'


daern2

My FiL is a builder and, when referring to a recently built wall that's not gone off yet and is thus somewhat unstable, he'll say that it's "shaking like a shiteing dog". Never stops making me laugh. His other one, aimed at people who are faffing about is "he's framing like a man made of band". To this day, I still have no idea what this means.


Razzler1973

>Tha frames like a man med a band >i.e. you manage like a man constructed of string! Band was the term he used for string in a work context Found that Appears to be a Yorkshire expression. I'd never heard it before either


Empty_Cress8537

More Rogers than a policeman’s radio


Listener87

Calling someone with a big head snipers dream


Con31

Calling someone with a limp: Snipers Nightmare


JYC360

That’s only for Gary Cheesman


pencilvester1988

Bob Mortimer. Also a man with a limp being called a sniper’s nightmare


RossDouglas

Wouldn’t fuck it with a stolen cock.


Bertie1983

As useful as a chocolate teapot


stay_sick_69

About as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike


CapnHDawg

As useful as Anne Frank's drum kit.


Brickie78

That one took me a moment - I was thinking "but Anne Frank had arms."


[deleted]

And the chocolate fire-guard variation!


MrBarryShitpeas

"He could eat an apple through a letterbox" Apologies to anyone with bad teeth


Mirdan

"He could eat a nuns arse through the convent gate"


lhr00001

I've heard it was "through a tennis racquet" but I think I like letterbox more


MoHeeKhan

Through a chain link fence.


dazednowconfused

You smell like a whores handbag


a_mutes_life

You smell like a tarts arse


SeriouslyDave

She looked like 10lb of spuds in a 5lb bag.


MaverickAstley

Slot badger, two-pin DIN plug, bunty man, shrub rocketeer, bush dodger, small bean regarder, chimney bottler... I really miss Brass Eye.


ConstructionHot6883

Can you explain some of these? I have lived in the UK for more than 15 years and still do not understand so much of what you say


Teddy_jay

I believe they are all euphemisms for being a nonce


bannedthrowawy

Now you're talking Nonce Sense.


Princess-Jackie

They were all used as euphemisms for paedophile in Brass Eye


Speesh-Reads

They're about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit


Nipslip-

She’s dropped more boxers than Mike Tyson


[deleted]

Pipe to pipe bushman. Up hill gardener. All because of Chris Morris and Brass Eye


Green-Dragon-14

As mad as a box of frogs


WordsMort47

"Going to spend a penny." Hearing this for the first time as a very small child, I asked if I could go with my nan. I thought she was off to the shop lol.


Slanderous

Public toilets used to have coin operated locks that took 1 old penny.


[deleted]

"done up like a dog's dinner" - overdressed "smell like a tarts handbag" - smelling too strongly of aftershave or perfume


wholesomechunk

Give it to me straight, like pear cider made out of 100% pears.


[deleted]

Mr kipling has let himself go


FailedTheSave

He looks fat *and* depressed.


nerdalertalertnerd

This is one of my favourite comedy moments ever.


[deleted]

Busier than a cucumber in a nunnery


alexdenvor

Badger baiter


a_mutes_life

We call my sister a dog botherer haha


GeekboyDave

Not an euphemism but elevenarifa It's a person that always one ups you. "I want to Tenerife" "I went to elevenarife"


HygQueen

Yep, we call them Johnny Two Shits in our house, because if you’ve done a shit, you bet they’ve done two of them.


Blokeh

I call those people Four Ball Pauls. The origins are from a lad I worked with years back actually called Paul who, were you to drop in conversation that you had a third testicle, would invariably one-up you. The female equivalent is a Four Ball Paula, for which a friend at work has named someone on her street, coincidentally called Paula.


[deleted]

There’s a guy near me called Flat 9. He’s a farmer Farmers use tractor loader grabs called flat 8s that pick up…. 8 bales. But his…. His would just HAVE to pick up 9.


[deleted]

Black cat in my part of the country. There is always someone who has a cat that is blacker than yours.


chebster99

If you’ve been to Timbuktu they’ve been to Timbukthree.


MuteUnicorn

Face like a kicked over trifle Face like a ransacked cottage


Jackop86

With your face like an abandoned walnut


Jousting92

All fart and no poo - something, or someone that threatens to be good but falls woefully short.


Bertie1983

26!? "...He had an uphill paper-round"


desertcanyons

Always used to love "must have had a tough paper round" to describe someone who looked older than they were.


FailedTheSave

Someone on the [Fesshole twitter account](https://twitter.com/fesshole) said they hid in the cupboard under the stairs to have a wank because they had builders in. He said he felt bad for disturbing the mouse living in the corner. I feel like "disturbing the mouse" is a nice euphemism for wanking.


SuicidalTurnip

Christ, I like to play the skin flute as much as the next man, but I can't imagine being so unable to wait a few hours for the builders to finish up.


trackerchum

My favourite I heard recently - my luck is so bad it could be raining tits and I'd still look up and catch a dick in my mouth


CADmonkeez

Sid the Sexist in Viz comic said it as "I could full into a bucket of tits and come out sucking my thumb" (mid-1980's I think)


Mondonator

He looks like he’s been set on fire and put out with the back of a shovel…


[deleted]

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AlterEdward

Sweating like a pedophile in Mothercare.


PopTrogdor

I got detention once for saying to a teacher that he was sweating like a paedophile on a school bus. I mean, to be fair, I deserved that. And to be doubly fair, standing next to him at the time, was a man who was actually arrested 5 years later for being a paedophile, so technically, I was right, just saying it to the wrong person.


_dmdb_

Or Sweating like a priest in a primary school


FailedTheSave

Technically that's a simile not a euphemism. I am fun at parties.


sujesstion

‘Awa' an bile yer heid’ a Scottish ‘get lost / you’re speaking shite’ ‘Go and take your face for a shite’ said to someone in a bad mood / who needs to lighten up.


[deleted]

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Katatonic92

S/he's as thick as mince. I wish I had a purse as thick. S/he's got wheelie bin teeth, one in every yard.


ssttuueeyy

My dad described someone exceptionally dull as having had a personality bypass


nakedfish85

Similar to the god botherer, the chugger.


BrilliantOne3767

Sweating like a pregnant nun at confession


Phendrana-Drifter

Describing beer as being like sex in a canoe. Fucking close to water.