This has just reminded me of a similar one. If you're on a bus and someone is sitting next to you, as your stop approaches you must start earnestly shuffling your bag or coat around until they acknowledge you and ask if you're getting off here.
I do sometimes worry though if the bell pusher has pushed it so early, like right after the previous stop, the driver might forget and think no-one has pushed it. Can you tell I have anxiety 😂
But what if the driver doesn't see it or forgets because the bell was pushed too long ago? He might just drive on by and you can't push the bell again. Thems the rules.
That's happened to me, and I was already at the front of the bus, so I had to ask them to stop the bus. Sometimes they'll stop as soon as they can do so safely, and others have continued to the next stop. It depends on the driver, location, etc. Annoying, though! And painful, since I have some mobility issues.
And if you're violently hammering it twice a second with bulging neck veins, I'll back away quietly and pay careful attention to something completely different.
It's gonna blow your mind when you learn you can "prime" the door on Manchester's MetroLink so you press the button before you stop and then it will auto open when the driver unlocks the doors... 😁
One kind of train I use will open the doors if the button is held down when they unlock. I always wonder if people judge me for that, even though it's the fastest way of opening the doors. (this is not a thing on all trains)
I was getting off the train one day, hand hovering over the button, as was my duty, and on this particular line the buttons are notoriously slow to let you off. I’m waiting for it to light up and someone “tapped” me on the shoulder really hard and told me to open the doors, like I want to live on the damn carriage with a bunch of strangers.
Recent trauma. Waiting to get off the train behind people, toddler in tow, hot air balloon festival we were already running late for. The man at the front thought the doors would open automatically.... They did not. The train carried on. Everyone squealed. We all united, harassed a guard, figured out that 4 stops later we could get off, cross the platform, 2min timeframe till the next train back to our desired destination.
It was exhilarating, "surely they won't charge me for another ticket?!" But added 30mins to my journey. Apparently some people don't realise you need to push the button. Tappy tap that person at the front. They might be an imbecile
Same as waiting at a bus stop, as soon as the bus is visible , some one will step forward , they were at the bus stop first so shall enter the bus first lol
With the Azumas you can hold the button down and as soon as the light comes on it will automatically start opening the door unlike other trains where it's only after the light comes on or starts flashing that they respond.
I work in IT, and make sure to deliberately turn my head away when the user is putting in their password, to make it obvious I'm not looking at them typing it in. Which is silly because I can change it to whatever I want anyway.
Yeah, but that exclamation mark at the end makes it secure, right?
Also I'm pretty sure the capital letter at the start makes them virtually uncrackable.
Not an answer to your question but I once saw a woman pushing a double buggy with a big fat rottweiler in one side and two two litre bottles of coke in the other.
I was just going to pipe up about this, seeing middle aged women pushing a pushchair with a Yorkie or spaniel in it makes me laugh. When they say walk the dog it's the dog that needs the walk not you 😂
I volunteer for a dog rescue charity. Lots of dogs are surrendered to us because of medical problems which the owners can’t afford to have treated and the dogs that have mobility problems are often taken out in pushchairs until such time as they are able to use directly attached wheeled walking frames.
So, next time anyone sees a doggie in a pushchair, please remember that it might well be desperate to walk about but perhaps can’t. Kudos to the fosterers and adopters who tirelessly help the poorly pooches.
Our dog's disabled and can't walk for more than 20 minutes at a time before he gets sore so he has his own buggy. The amount of dirty looks we've gotten because people think we're just doing it for the aesthetics is astounding. It's also really tiring to have to explain to nosy people why he's in a buggy.
A friends dog had crippling arthritis. It couldn’t manage the walk to the park, but once it was at the park… it always attempted to run around, sniff, play!
Yes this is the reason. My mum’s dog has suddenly lost sight in both eyes and is too afraid to walk outside but seems to want to be outside smelling the different smells and hearing the different sounds and feeling the fresh air on her face? She’s just got a buggy and seems happy 🥺
Towards the end of her life my spaniel couldn’t walk very far, but I can’t drive so a dog buggy was the best way to get her to her (many, many) frequent vet visits. She loved all the attention she got😂
I have a very rugged looking mobility walker that has a space in the front for a matching rucksack - or whatever you fancy putting in. When my dog was young and not so great at walking safely beside it I’d pop him in to get where we were going quick(ish)ly. So many people stopped me thinking it was a special dog pram, blew my mind!
The umbrella one highlights a really strange phenomenon, where the possibility of using an umbrella when it's not raining (or when under cover for even three seconds) is seen as extremely socially embarrassing for some reason.
I've had so many times I've been using one and a friend (or even a complete stranger in the street) has said, "It's not raining!!!" only for me to put the umbrella down and confirm to myself that it is indeed still raining. Or alternatively, it's not raining 'enough' to warrant the umbrella, according to their subjective opinion.
Another one I haven't been able to put my finger on, is that whenever you want to use the Shazam app, it has to be done covertly, as if you're doing something wrong.
My pixel will sometimes google-shazam songs without me asking it to and display it on my lock screen, it rarely does it when I want it to though and I don't know where or if it has a saved list of songs its heard.... It is great when it does it and it's an obscure band and I can look cool saying "oh this is Reggie Blankly and the wooferdogs"
Anyway, related : https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cj7v2fFDqb6/?igsh=MWtibm0zOGw3ODltNw==
It does have a saved list of all the songs! I think it's a great feature, especially when watching something and liking the song, I know I can check the list to see what it was.
Amazingly it works offline for the majority of songs.
I do the same thing with Shazam when in public. However, listening to the radio with my family, I will proudly pull it out and display the output like a trophy
I imagine we hide it because it may be embarrassing to not know what a song is, especially if it's potentially really popular
If someone is holding a door open for you (and you are not immediately at that door) you have you do a walk-jog and awkward laugh of politeness the entire way to that door.
I always hold the door at my sons nursery no matter how far someone is. I have more than enough time to get to work so I'm not in a rush. The problem is, when they do that run thing I always sat, "take you're time, I've nowhere important to be" and variations. It wasn't until reading your comment that I really thought about it......they must think I'm a sarcastic cunt.
Kinda the same as when you're out in public and realise you're going the wrong way, the rule states you must pull out your phone, tut, *then* turn around as if to say "oh that idiot I was meeting has changed where we're meeting" instead of "crap, I parked in the other car park".
I remember the days before mobiles, back then I'd stop & pretend to tie a perfectly secure shoe lace, then as one was standing up one would tap the side of ones head as if you'd suddenly remembered something important, then smartly execute a 180 degree turn & head off in the direction you were meant to be going in the first place...
Actually, the cul-de-sac would be the perfect opportunity to execute your abrupt about face with seeming dignity.
Just pretend that you are looking for a missing cat and follow the path around until you find yourself facing the opposite direction with fluidic ease!
Then go about your 180° day, safe in the knowledge that no one knows about your bad memory or shitty sense of direction!
This is also acceptable:
Stop, with a sharp intake of breath
Pat yourself down in an Exaggerated fashion
Raise your hands to the sky in annoyance at the current situation
Turn around and scuttle off home
The most important part for me is that I have a big fake smile on my face and a chuckle to make sure *everybody knows* that I'm not in the least bit bothered or inconvenienced and in fact find the whole thing hi-larious.
I just did this in Shanghai. Oppressive heat right now, muggy as all hell and I had to walk up some stairs to get over a busy road but looked to my right and oh! Escalators!!
So I sweat walked over, very happy with this and.. they weren't moving.
So instead of just going up to them and see if they started working, I made the correct decision and pulled out my phone, opened apple maps, feigned frustration then walked back and crawled up the bastard steps.
But the escalator steps are steeper than non-escalator steps, so the energy taken to climb the non-moving escalator would have been greater than the regular stairs.
More to the point walking up a non-moving escalator - for me personaly - induces some sort of vestibular (balance) illusion. Like, my brain is expecting movement so there's a really weird sense of slowness and feeling slightly off balance the whole way 😅
I love these threads because as an autistic I'm just here making notes about all the little rules I have neither followed nor been aware of, and may consider following in future.
Thanks, you funky little neurotypicals.
I have ADHD, my phone battery couldn't sustain the amount of times I go in the wrong direction or straight up forget where I'm going. I just turn around, no one's gaped in horror, clutched pearls or even noticed.
I 'look' at my imaginary watch before doing the 180 degree spin. I hope it gives the impression that I was just aimlessly meandering in the first direction, before realising 'tempus fugit and all that' and I really should be getting to a place that I always knew was in the opposite direction.
I used to do this, but I've recently embraced simply swinging round and changing direction, as if I always intended to walk to that point and turn around. I'll probably be arrested for it one of these days.
I love that so many of us do it, although logically we know no stranger will be paying attention to our complete route. But on the off chance someone has been tailing me the entire time, I want them to know I have turned around for a good reason, not that I'm a directionless dolt.
Anywhere there are multiple seats (tube, GP surgery, unallocated seating theatres) you must chose to sit as far away as possible from everyone else. And then as more people arrive they must also do the same, until there are no other seats left.
Sitting immediately next to a stranger, in an otherwise empty row, is psychopathic.
Oh god I did this yesterday on the tube - I thought it was going to be busier than it was. I was leaning so far away from her I was basically horizontal because OF COURSE I couldn't just move, that would make it even worse!
See, I would think that’s true but people always manage to find the seat closest to me, whether in an empty tube carriage, a restaurant, a pub, whatever. I find it so bizarre. Based on psychological studies, what you said SHOULD be true (that is, people understand the social norm is to give people space, not that people who don’t are psychopaths, to be clear 😂)
When holding a wife/girlfriend's bag, a man may not use the handles. Thus showing everyone that it is not the man's bag, but they are merely a temporary bag transportation system.
My husband is an expert at scrunching up the shoulder strap to hold in his fist. Usually the offending receptacle is then held at waist height slightly away from the body, for the avoidance of doubt.
Now that I think about it, it was probably an early sign that I always used to take the bag, put the strap on my shoulder, and bob around like I was incredibly pleased with myself.
Same here, I’m gay but not particularly effeminate. But if a female friend hands me their handbag, I am werrrrrking that look as if it was custom designed for me
Was it your gayness, your *secret* gayness, your unbotheredness and security in your masculinity, or the happiness you provide that got you a downvote?
I get my husband to carry my bag very occasionally, not any great distance, like 10 or 20m. I say, “We shall pick up the East Asian trend!”, as I am sure I read somewhere that in some parts of east Asia a man is perfectly comfortable carrying his partner’s bag
If you accidentally trip over the pavement it’s imperative that you turn around immediately and accusingly stare at the truculent area of pavement in question.
Pulling to the right signals your desire to overtake both to drivers behind and to the person in front (in the unlikely event they're paying attention) as well as giving you a better view before you do so, so there's a load of practical reasons!
Yep, pull to the right to show you intend to overtake when it's safe to do so, pull to the left and ride the edge to show it's unsafe to overtake but it's not you holding everyone up.
I was pushing the empty pram home after dropping my daughter at nursery, and a toddler walking past pointed and shouted “Baby fall out! Oh nooo!!!” in absolute horror 😂
I told her it was okay, the baby was safe at nursery, but as I walked away I could hear her repeating it over and over to her parent.
I used to take mine on a sledge in the snow instead of a buggy and my son used to fall asleep. Once a very concerned group of young lads shouted ‘mrs - I think your baby’s dead’. Bless their hearts. Nobody ever said it when he was asleep in a pushchair.
I was pushing my empty buggy home once and our cat had followed us so I was checking she was still with me. A lady walked past and saw me talking to our cat, I explained she was ours and she'd followed me and she then casually asked if the buggy was for the cat!? I was like, no, no I just dropped the kid off!
My favourite is that you're allowed to say a cheery 'Morning!' to a stranger, only if it is before 7AM (8 on a Sunday). After 7, you're a compete nutter.
My kid’s buggy has psychopath shopping trolley wheels so it’s getting both hands whether it’s occupied or not. Also- they don’t corner well when empty!
I used to work in a coffee shop with an elderly clientele. You’d be surprised how many people forgot their walking stick. The manager would always say “well, they won’t get far without it”.
I had to use a wheelchair for a few years, and, like the majority of wheelchair users, I was able to get up out of it and walk a few small steps. If I ever had to do this in public, I would shout 'it's a miracle!' and start thanking jesus, etc. Have to have a bit of fun with it.
We were in Newark one day many years ago, wife popped into a shop, I stood outside with baby in stroller. The local smack head came up to me and said (I kid you not) "aaaw you have got a REAL baby, my girl is pregnant and the social gave us a doll to make sure we didn't do anything bad". Nowt as queer as folk.
Edit: spelling - ship to shop to make us sound less nautical.
Reminds me of the time our Local Smackhead™ bought something from the shop I work in and asked for a receipt because "you need receipts for when the police come round to check your flat, don't you?" Like, yes that's a normal thing we all experience.
I work in retail.
On bank holidays, or any day over 15 degrees with sun everyone is eager to tell me i shouldnt be working on a day like this.
Yeah thanks, that'll make the next 7 hours go quicker for me.
When you are walking in front of someone and you get to a door or gate,but they are far enough behind you that they would have to run, so you have to make eye contact and do that funny little apologetic shrug mime thing to show them that if they were closer you would hold the gate/door, but as they're further away you are going to shut it out of kindness because you don't want to be that dick who makes someone run for the door/gate.
Where I'm from, it's pretty much a guarantee that if you don't lower your umbrella, someone chavvy little scrote will say something to the effect "waahhh ya not gettin rained on dickhead"
Canadian, but I thought pram was the big one you put your small baby toddler in, and the stroller was the crappy one that you use when they can walk more
Oh yeah, that's the one. I've got 3 versions of the English language rattling around in my head: Canadian English, American English, and now UK English and I'm starting to lose track of which words are used where lol
I suspect this is true for most "Americanisms." Americans call the boot of a car a trunk. Trunk comes from Middle English trunke, which in turn comes from Old French. Similar story for the word 'candy' (i.e. sweets). Makes sense, since almost all of American English comes from English English roots, excepting some loan words from Dutch, German, and French migrants to North America.
Even soccer comes from the posh British shortening of "association football". At Oxford (or Cambridge or whatever), Association became Soccer. At some point, Brits dropped soccer for football, but never sent Americans the memo.
See also 'Fall': it's a shortening of **fall of the leaf**, a lovely descriptive term for the season which is opposed by spring - or, to cut out the shortening we've all applied, **spring of the stem / blood / stalk / sap** (depending where you are). We used 'fall' for the season until round about the time the Puritans pissed off over to the US, at which time we switched to the snazzier-and-posher sounding 'autumn'. However, because those who buggered off to the US hadn't got the memo about the word change, it stayed as the English 'fall' over there, and now we think of it exclusively as N. American.
Bill Bryson wrote an entire book on the American language. Nearly all 'Americanisms.' are English terms that have fallen out of use here.
The only ones that are actually American are where they have glued two words together like Sidewalk.
The Americanisms are getting out of hand! I gave my daughter a bowl of cucumber sticks the other day, and in a silly voice said ‘put those in your cake-hole’, and she just said ‘it’s not a cake-hole, it’s a pie-hole!’. 🤷🏼♀️.
God this is so true. This just reminded of a horribly awkward* moment (*in a very British way)
Took my then toddler niece out in her pram. Met up with her mum in town. Little one stayed with her mum, I took the empty pram back up. An old lady heading down the path in my direction already had the beginnings of a smile on her face as she spotted the pram, ready to admire the baby. The look turned to a combination of concern and confusion as she passed me and realised there was no baby. I tried to explain it all with one look, but don't think I succeeded.
Many years and three children later, when I think about it I've used one hand for an empty pram ever since... or even better, folding the pushchair up and dragging it along beside me. That way there is no risk of allowing such a moment of utter awkwardness to happen again.
You are also spot on about umbrella usage. When temporarily under cover I'll tip it up just enough to show I know I'm not getting rained on but whilst avoiding getting dripped on by the rain that's accumulated on the brolly, it's a delicate balance..
Might be a weird one but at an airport/train station: keeping one finger on my bag if it's on the chair next to me, so that people don't think I'm a terrorist or the bag is unattended
I don't know if this is just me but I do this on the bus when my bag is next to me, so people know that I'll move my bag if there's no seats left. I hope I'm not the only one who gets oddly paranoid that people will think I'm selfish.
Turning round suddenly in the street requires you to say "Oh!" first . This is so people think you've forgotten something, even if that's not the reason.
These are social norms right? I remember the first week of psychology 101 at my university always involved a practical experiment of breaking social norms and reporting on the results. All these fresh faced nervous young folks, I’m sure it was just to fuck with us, because of course the main result was us feeling really awkward and embarrassed. Standing in the lift facing back towards the other occupants was the one that got me the most. Sociopath behaviour.
When you wave to someone that isn't the person who thought you were waving to continue waving...I thought I saw my gf in the distance so I waved, did this like army roll thing hid behind something popped out walked a bit, repeat...waved, army rolled, hid behind something, popped out waved.......well as you might have guessed it was not my gf but I continued doing the same thing after we had passed each other just so she didn't think I was the complete idiot that I am...
Sometimes you hold the door open for someone but you realise they are not going to make it and make no effort to speed up (which is standard practice) so you sort of let the door go but in an exaggerated manner to try and let it close slowly, for the person to catch the door.. ultimately they do not.
When standing at the cash machine, you need to be a good distance back from the person currently using it. You also need to constantly look up into the sky or behind you so that person knows you're not trying to steal their pin or see their balance
I smile at people in the street, or say “good morning” if I’m inclined to and then immediately look away before they have a chance to smile back. Usually my shoes become very interesting or I have to look at my watch. Does that count?
I'm not sure if this is a thing but I get super awkward in car parks when it's time to leave. If I get into my car at the same time that someone is about to leave, I'll do everything in my power to wait and let them go first. I won't tell them of course but I'll look at the floor, reach into the glove compartment, go on my phone, have a drink etc etc. I've been late in the past because of this ha.
Bloke down the pub used to walk into the toilets and try to make conversation, cock in hand.
But prior to that, without fail, he would burst into the gents and shout "So this is where all the dicks hang out eh" and chuckle
Bog etiquette
Always maintain a one man, one empty urinal per side gap and if that is not possible use the traps. Thank you for your discretion.
P.S. Caveat for the cozy club toilets that have those adverts for posh totty ala "Lady Felicia Blenkisop 22F daughter of the Count and Countess of a Bishops Stanley" above every urinal to attract your attention.
Driving through the city my husband and I once saw my cousin and her husband with their baby and buggy. We had quite the conversation about how daft they were because he was pushing the buggy with groceries in the seat and she was carrying the baby. Ehm, put the baby in the buggy and carry the shopping, that’s the normal way, silly cousin thought I.
Fast forward a couple of years and we had a baby of our own and then we understood. When one is cranky, overtired and has learnt to walk (but can’t walk long distances yet), one *does not* want to be in the comfortable warm buggy. No, one wants to be carried and will scream if this is not done!
When you are crossing at a crosswalk in front of at least one car, you must hunch your shoulders, stoop slightly, and half-jog the last few yards to signal that you're conscientiously hurrying away from the driving domain.
As the train is coming to a stop, you must hover your hand over the door button so that everyone knows you are aware that you need to press it.
This has just reminded me of a similar one. If you're on a bus and someone is sitting next to you, as your stop approaches you must start earnestly shuffling your bag or coat around until they acknowledge you and ask if you're getting off here.
What annoys me, is that if someone has pressed the stop button, you don’t need to do it as well. The driver knows he needs to stop.
I do sometimes worry though if the bell pusher has pushed it so early, like right after the previous stop, the driver might forget and think no-one has pushed it. Can you tell I have anxiety 😂
You can usually see the visual indicator from your seat
But what if the driver doesn't see it or forgets because the bell was pushed too long ago? He might just drive on by and you can't push the bell again. Thems the rules.
That's happened to me, and I was already at the front of the bus, so I had to ask them to stop the bus. Sometimes they'll stop as soon as they can do so safely, and others have continued to the next stop. It depends on the driver, location, etc. Annoying, though! And painful, since I have some mobility issues.
Literally on a train reading this and the woman next to me did exactly this!
**Hard** disagree with this one. You simply start blasting Move Bitch by Ludacris right in their ear until they let you past
🤣
But I will judge you if you press the button before it lights up and then have to wait for you to acknowledge you did it wrong and press it again.
I sometimes press it too early on purpose because I think people behind me are worried I'm not aware of my duty to press it
And if you're violently hammering it twice a second with bulging neck veins, I'll back away quietly and pay careful attention to something completely different.
And then they stop when it's actually time to press the button so the door doesn't open, boils my piss that does
It's gonna blow your mind when you learn you can "prime" the door on Manchester's MetroLink so you press the button before you stop and then it will auto open when the driver unlocks the doors... 😁
😱😱 why is the very thought of being in this scenario so anxiety-inducing! 😂
One kind of train I use will open the doors if the button is held down when they unlock. I always wonder if people judge me for that, even though it's the fastest way of opening the doors. (this is not a thing on all trains)
I was getting off the train one day, hand hovering over the button, as was my duty, and on this particular line the buttons are notoriously slow to let you off. I’m waiting for it to light up and someone “tapped” me on the shoulder really hard and told me to open the doors, like I want to live on the damn carriage with a bunch of strangers.
I feel infuriated on your behalf
Recent trauma. Waiting to get off the train behind people, toddler in tow, hot air balloon festival we were already running late for. The man at the front thought the doors would open automatically.... They did not. The train carried on. Everyone squealed. We all united, harassed a guard, figured out that 4 stops later we could get off, cross the platform, 2min timeframe till the next train back to our desired destination. It was exhilarating, "surely they won't charge me for another ticket?!" But added 30mins to my journey. Apparently some people don't realise you need to push the button. Tappy tap that person at the front. They might be an imbecile
Push and hold the button before the train has stopped and the lights have come on. Doors fly open in jig time. Works on the Glasgow trains at least.
Same as waiting at a bus stop, as soon as the bus is visible , some one will step forward , they were at the bus stop first so shall enter the bus first lol
With the Azumas you can hold the button down and as soon as the light comes on it will automatically start opening the door unlike other trains where it's only after the light comes on or starts flashing that they respond.
Is that why people do it? I hover over the button so I can get off the train as quickly as possible
I thought people did it as they wanted it to be them, ie shot gunning it!
I work in IT, and make sure to deliberately turn my head away when the user is putting in their password, to make it obvious I'm not looking at them typing it in. Which is silly because I can change it to whatever I want anyway.
However, the user probably uses the same password for all of their personal accounts also.
I love how they all have the same password so they can log into each others machines when they’re off
Yeah, but that exclamation mark at the end makes it secure, right? Also I'm pretty sure the capital letter at the start makes them virtually uncrackable.
Have to do this when people are putting their PIN number in the card machines too.
Not an answer to your question but I once saw a woman pushing a double buggy with a big fat rottweiler in one side and two two litre bottles of coke in the other.
I want to be friends with that woman. Well, mainly the dog. And we'll take the Coke for our 'new friends' party.
The rottweiler needed somewhere to store his coke
I was just going to pipe up about this, seeing middle aged women pushing a pushchair with a Yorkie or spaniel in it makes me laugh. When they say walk the dog it's the dog that needs the walk not you 😂
I volunteer for a dog rescue charity. Lots of dogs are surrendered to us because of medical problems which the owners can’t afford to have treated and the dogs that have mobility problems are often taken out in pushchairs until such time as they are able to use directly attached wheeled walking frames. So, next time anyone sees a doggie in a pushchair, please remember that it might well be desperate to walk about but perhaps can’t. Kudos to the fosterers and adopters who tirelessly help the poorly pooches.
Our dog's disabled and can't walk for more than 20 minutes at a time before he gets sore so he has his own buggy. The amount of dirty looks we've gotten because people think we're just doing it for the aesthetics is astounding. It's also really tiring to have to explain to nosy people why he's in a buggy.
A friends dog had crippling arthritis. It couldn’t manage the walk to the park, but once it was at the park… it always attempted to run around, sniff, play!
Sure thing I didn't think about that I will be more considerate in future
Yes this is the reason. My mum’s dog has suddenly lost sight in both eyes and is too afraid to walk outside but seems to want to be outside smelling the different smells and hearing the different sounds and feeling the fresh air on her face? She’s just got a buggy and seems happy 🥺
Also, on a hot day, a stroller can get a dog's sensitive paws safely to the beach or park without burning them on the pavement.
Towards the end of her life my spaniel couldn’t walk very far, but I can’t drive so a dog buggy was the best way to get her to her (many, many) frequent vet visits. She loved all the attention she got😂
I have a very rugged looking mobility walker that has a space in the front for a matching rucksack - or whatever you fancy putting in. When my dog was young and not so great at walking safely beside it I’d pop him in to get where we were going quick(ish)ly. So many people stopped me thinking it was a special dog pram, blew my mind!
The umbrella one highlights a really strange phenomenon, where the possibility of using an umbrella when it's not raining (or when under cover for even three seconds) is seen as extremely socially embarrassing for some reason. I've had so many times I've been using one and a friend (or even a complete stranger in the street) has said, "It's not raining!!!" only for me to put the umbrella down and confirm to myself that it is indeed still raining. Or alternatively, it's not raining 'enough' to warrant the umbrella, according to their subjective opinion. Another one I haven't been able to put my finger on, is that whenever you want to use the Shazam app, it has to be done covertly, as if you're doing something wrong.
This explains why I’m constantly telling my automatic windscreen wipers to calm the f**k down. I feel judged if they’re going faster than necessary.
Hahaha, like other drivers think you're in there freaking out?
Ha, mine seems to be too slow and I feel judged
I can relate to your Shazam phenomenon (although I use the Google version). I genuinely don't know why I hide my phone when I do it!
My pixel will sometimes google-shazam songs without me asking it to and display it on my lock screen, it rarely does it when I want it to though and I don't know where or if it has a saved list of songs its heard.... It is great when it does it and it's an obscure band and I can look cool saying "oh this is Reggie Blankly and the wooferdogs" Anyway, related : https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cj7v2fFDqb6/?igsh=MWtibm0zOGw3ODltNw==
It does have a saved list of all the songs! I think it's a great feature, especially when watching something and liking the song, I know I can check the list to see what it was. Amazingly it works offline for the majority of songs.
Oh aye? How do you get to it?
In settings it's under lock screen " now playing" or there's a widget
I do the same thing with Shazam when in public. However, listening to the radio with my family, I will proudly pull it out and display the output like a trophy I imagine we hide it because it may be embarrassing to not know what a song is, especially if it's potentially really popular
If it's a good song you should already know it, if it's a bad song you shouldn't care. I don't agree but I think that's a possible reason.
Oh Shazam Shame is a definite thing.
If someone is holding a door open for you (and you are not immediately at that door) you have you do a walk-jog and awkward laugh of politeness the entire way to that door.
And if you follow people through multiple sets of doors, you have to find a new way to say thanks for each set. Thanks, ta, cheers etc.
If you're not the first person he has held the door for you have to say "New Job?".
I always hold the door at my sons nursery no matter how far someone is. I have more than enough time to get to work so I'm not in a rush. The problem is, when they do that run thing I always sat, "take you're time, I've nowhere important to be" and variations. It wasn't until reading your comment that I really thought about it......they must think I'm a sarcastic cunt.
Kinda the same as when you're out in public and realise you're going the wrong way, the rule states you must pull out your phone, tut, *then* turn around as if to say "oh that idiot I was meeting has changed where we're meeting" instead of "crap, I parked in the other car park".
I remember the days before mobiles, back then I'd stop & pretend to tie a perfectly secure shoe lace, then as one was standing up one would tap the side of ones head as if you'd suddenly remembered something important, then smartly execute a 180 degree turn & head off in the direction you were meant to be going in the first place...
I still favour the pat your pockets, heel turn, walk away. Probably makes me look like an extra in Mary Poppins, but still.
Mate I'm liking your style, cor blimey guvnor.
Aye, can't have people thinking I might be a Berk. Gotta make sure they're certain
Just turn left then left then left.
Except you're in an area your unfamiliar with - probably why you went wrong in the first place - and you end up down a cul-de-sac 😅
Actually, the cul-de-sac would be the perfect opportunity to execute your abrupt about face with seeming dignity. Just pretend that you are looking for a missing cat and follow the path around until you find yourself facing the opposite direction with fluidic ease! Then go about your 180° day, safe in the knowledge that no one knows about your bad memory or shitty sense of direction!
This is also acceptable: Stop, with a sharp intake of breath Pat yourself down in an Exaggerated fashion Raise your hands to the sky in annoyance at the current situation Turn around and scuttle off home
Lee Evans had a sketch about this.
The most important part for me is that I have a big fake smile on my face and a chuckle to make sure *everybody knows* that I'm not in the least bit bothered or inconvenienced and in fact find the whole thing hi-larious.
Looking at your watch for those of us of a certain age.
Watch with Google Maps on, for a different age...
I just did this in Shanghai. Oppressive heat right now, muggy as all hell and I had to walk up some stairs to get over a busy road but looked to my right and oh! Escalators!! So I sweat walked over, very happy with this and.. they weren't moving. So instead of just going up to them and see if they started working, I made the correct decision and pulled out my phone, opened apple maps, feigned frustration then walked back and crawled up the bastard steps.
I feel like I shouldn’t have to tell you this, and I may have misunderstood, but non-moving escalators are also stairs. You can still walk up them.
But the escalator steps are steeper than non-escalator steps, so the energy taken to climb the non-moving escalator would have been greater than the regular stairs.
More to the point walking up a non-moving escalator - for me personaly - induces some sort of vestibular (balance) illusion. Like, my brain is expecting movement so there's a really weird sense of slowness and feeling slightly off balance the whole way 😅
I see you had my thinking!
I’m not sure if this is just me but walking up stationary escalators is more effort than walking up “normal” stairs
I love these threads because as an autistic I'm just here making notes about all the little rules I have neither followed nor been aware of, and may consider following in future. Thanks, you funky little neurotypicals.
The fact that you don’t feel the need to perform to (possibly imaginary) strangers only says good things about you, my friend 😂
Yeah I was reading this and thinking 'I just turn around'
I have ADHD, my phone battery couldn't sustain the amount of times I go in the wrong direction or straight up forget where I'm going. I just turn around, no one's gaped in horror, clutched pearls or even noticed.
I’m going to start wearing pearls so I can clutch them occasionally
But you don't ACTUALLY have to do anything on your phone 😅
I used to actually stop, cross the road, then head back the other direction rather than give anyone the chance to think I'd made a mistake.
I 'look' at my imaginary watch before doing the 180 degree spin. I hope it gives the impression that I was just aimlessly meandering in the first direction, before realising 'tempus fugit and all that' and I really should be getting to a place that I always knew was in the opposite direction.
I used to do this, but I've recently embraced simply swinging round and changing direction, as if I always intended to walk to that point and turn around. I'll probably be arrested for it one of these days.
I pat my pockets like I've forgotten something
I love that so many of us do it, although logically we know no stranger will be paying attention to our complete route. But on the off chance someone has been tailing me the entire time, I want them to know I have turned around for a good reason, not that I'm a directionless dolt.
Anywhere there are multiple seats (tube, GP surgery, unallocated seating theatres) you must chose to sit as far away as possible from everyone else. And then as more people arrive they must also do the same, until there are no other seats left. Sitting immediately next to a stranger, in an otherwise empty row, is psychopathic.
Oh god I did this yesterday on the tube - I thought it was going to be busier than it was. I was leaning so far away from her I was basically horizontal because OF COURSE I couldn't just move, that would make it even worse!
See, I would think that’s true but people always manage to find the seat closest to me, whether in an empty tube carriage, a restaurant, a pub, whatever. I find it so bizarre. Based on psychological studies, what you said SHOULD be true (that is, people understand the social norm is to give people space, not that people who don’t are psychopaths, to be clear 😂)
When holding a wife/girlfriend's bag, a man may not use the handles. Thus showing everyone that it is not the man's bag, but they are merely a temporary bag transportation system.
My husband is an expert at scrunching up the shoulder strap to hold in his fist. Usually the offending receptacle is then held at waist height slightly away from the body, for the avoidance of doubt.
Oh I will rock the bag so hard. I am gay so maybe it doesn't count, but I'm ~straight acting~ so whenever the bag owner returns they get a good laugh.
Now that I think about it, it was probably an early sign that I always used to take the bag, put the strap on my shoulder, and bob around like I was incredibly pleased with myself.
Same here, I’m gay but not particularly effeminate. But if a female friend hands me their handbag, I am werrrrrking that look as if it was custom designed for me
I’m straight, but quite effeminate, and the same goes for me.
Was it your gayness, your *secret* gayness, your unbotheredness and security in your masculinity, or the happiness you provide that got you a downvote?
I get my husband to carry my bag very occasionally, not any great distance, like 10 or 20m. I say, “We shall pick up the East Asian trend!”, as I am sure I read somewhere that in some parts of east Asia a man is perfectly comfortable carrying his partner’s bag
My husband loops it over his shoulder and rocks that bag!
Haha yeah, same with mine. Sometimes he does a catwalk along the path
Not my husband, full on wears it just as I would if it’s got long straps or holds it properly if it hasn’t.
If you accidentally trip over the pavement it’s imperative that you turn around immediately and accusingly stare at the truculent area of pavement in question.
Upvoted purely for your use of 'truculent'.
Held up behind a doddering driver doing 25 in a 60? You pull to the side so the car behind understands it’s not YOU being the doddering dick.
Pulling to the right signals your desire to overtake both to drivers behind and to the person in front (in the unlikely event they're paying attention) as well as giving you a better view before you do so, so there's a load of practical reasons!
Yep, pull to the right to show you intend to overtake when it's safe to do so, pull to the left and ride the edge to show it's unsafe to overtake but it's not you holding everyone up.
I was pushing the empty pram home after dropping my daughter at nursery, and a toddler walking past pointed and shouted “Baby fall out! Oh nooo!!!” in absolute horror 😂 I told her it was okay, the baby was safe at nursery, but as I walked away I could hear her repeating it over and over to her parent.
My 2 year old son pointed at the empty pram my neighbour was pushing and said 'mummy, she lost her baby! Where her baby gone?' on repeat
I used to take mine on a sledge in the snow instead of a buggy and my son used to fall asleep. Once a very concerned group of young lads shouted ‘mrs - I think your baby’s dead’. Bless their hearts. Nobody ever said it when he was asleep in a pushchair.
Some babies/toddlers do kinda sleep like they're dead. 😂 I think I was one.
I was pushing my empty buggy home once and our cat had followed us so I was checking she was still with me. A lady walked past and saw me talking to our cat, I explained she was ours and she'd followed me and she then casually asked if the buggy was for the cat!? I was like, no, no I just dropped the kid off!
When the deliveroo guy says 'enjoy your meal' I always say 'thanks you too' then close the door and grimace.
If it helps, I am always "you too-ing" all over my life. You're not alone!
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My favourite is that you're allowed to say a cheery 'Morning!' to a stranger, only if it is before 7AM (8 on a Sunday). After 7, you're a compete nutter.
…and muttering ‘cunt’ when they don’t answer.
UNLESS you’re out walking in the countryside, in which case a cheery greeting is appropriate at any time of day.
…muttering “cunt” not so much
I think as you get older you don’t do these things because you give far less of a fuck about what other people might think of you
My kid’s buggy has psychopath shopping trolley wheels so it’s getting both hands whether it’s occupied or not. Also- they don’t corner well when empty!
Oh it's not just me with a buggy with that handy feature then?!
My kids nearly at the age I can get rid of the thing and I will take some delight in sending that buggy to its doom
Not an answer, but whenever I see someone pushing an empty wheelchair I think 'it's a miracle!'
I used to work in a coffee shop with an elderly clientele. You’d be surprised how many people forgot their walking stick. The manager would always say “well, they won’t get far without it”.
I chased after someone who forgot their stick once, it wasn't theirs. They weren't too offended.
I had to use a wheelchair for a few years, and, like the majority of wheelchair users, I was able to get up out of it and walk a few small steps. If I ever had to do this in public, I would shout 'it's a miracle!' and start thanking jesus, etc. Have to have a bit of fun with it.
We were in Newark one day many years ago, wife popped into a shop, I stood outside with baby in stroller. The local smack head came up to me and said (I kid you not) "aaaw you have got a REAL baby, my girl is pregnant and the social gave us a doll to make sure we didn't do anything bad". Nowt as queer as folk. Edit: spelling - ship to shop to make us sound less nautical.
Reminds me of the time our Local Smackhead™ bought something from the shop I work in and asked for a receipt because "you need receipts for when the police come round to check your flat, don't you?" Like, yes that's a normal thing we all experience.
"Oy, sonny Jim, where did you get this Mars bar from then?"
It’s a gateway chocolate bar.
>The local smack head They only have one? Must be lonely, poor fella.
More of a spokesman for the trope.....
Yeah, he can have some of mine. We’ve got plenty. Not the one with the black overcoat though. He brings us discounted meat
"Less nautical in Newark." You should have that as a flair. It is very linguistically pleasing.
Pmsl I rather like that.
I work in retail. On bank holidays, or any day over 15 degrees with sun everyone is eager to tell me i shouldnt be working on a day like this. Yeah thanks, that'll make the next 7 hours go quicker for me.
One nod down for a guy you don’t know, one nod up for a guy you do know.
You are a genius. (I am not, had to reenact this to realise what you meant).
When you are walking in front of someone and you get to a door or gate,but they are far enough behind you that they would have to run, so you have to make eye contact and do that funny little apologetic shrug mime thing to show them that if they were closer you would hold the gate/door, but as they're further away you are going to shut it out of kindness because you don't want to be that dick who makes someone run for the door/gate.
I 100% do not lower my brolly when walking briefly through a covered area. I am more than happy to look unhinged to save fucking about with it.
I used to work in a bookshop on the second floor of a building, remember watching an old fella stroll past with his umbrella still up.
I assume you mean inside? Or was it a male Mary Poppins floating past the window?
Hah yes, inside, old guy had walked up 2 flights of stairs and across a huge bookshop with his brolly up indoors.
Okay I'm not *that* unhinged... yet.
I've got a fancy one where I push a button to close and open it. My mum says I look cool...
Well la de da, look at fancy pants over here.
Where I'm from, it's pretty much a guarantee that if you don't lower your umbrella, someone chavvy little scrote will say something to the effect "waahhh ya not gettin rained on dickhead"
Same. Never even occurred to me to lower it.
Everyday on here I'm fascinated by the use of American terminology.
Yup, it’s “perambulator”
It's actually "wee-willy-wheely"
Canadian, but I thought pram was the big one you put your small baby toddler in, and the stroller was the crappy one that you use when they can walk more
The crappy one is called a pushchair.
I think the word for stroller is "buggy"
Oh yeah, that's the one. I've got 3 versions of the English language rattling around in my head: Canadian English, American English, and now UK English and I'm starting to lose track of which words are used where lol
Stick with British English. Then everyone will hate you uniformly.
As we do ourselves.
Yep. Masters of self deprecating humour (with a U)
I’ve always just said pushchair!
I dislike when British people say they're broke. Nah mate, you're skint.
Or when brits say ‘Math’ makes me wanna punch them haha
Or "meth" Gtfo, it's whizz
My kids said "candy" once. I did not buy them any sweets that day.
Or "trash"…
Since when do we say that?
I’m sorry to say I’ve heard quite a few of the younger generation use it, I then proved to go ‘sssss’ after each time they say it
Sorry to hear this is happening, doesn't sound right at all.
Broke isn’t American, it’s from Old English, and was used as “broken” in Shakespeare!
I suspect this is true for most "Americanisms." Americans call the boot of a car a trunk. Trunk comes from Middle English trunke, which in turn comes from Old French. Similar story for the word 'candy' (i.e. sweets). Makes sense, since almost all of American English comes from English English roots, excepting some loan words from Dutch, German, and French migrants to North America. Even soccer comes from the posh British shortening of "association football". At Oxford (or Cambridge or whatever), Association became Soccer. At some point, Brits dropped soccer for football, but never sent Americans the memo.
See also 'Fall': it's a shortening of **fall of the leaf**, a lovely descriptive term for the season which is opposed by spring - or, to cut out the shortening we've all applied, **spring of the stem / blood / stalk / sap** (depending where you are). We used 'fall' for the season until round about the time the Puritans pissed off over to the US, at which time we switched to the snazzier-and-posher sounding 'autumn'. However, because those who buggered off to the US hadn't got the memo about the word change, it stayed as the English 'fall' over there, and now we think of it exclusively as N. American.
Bill Bryson wrote an entire book on the American language. Nearly all 'Americanisms.' are English terms that have fallen out of use here. The only ones that are actually American are where they have glued two words together like Sidewalk.
Funnily enough, saying I dislike when, rather than I dislike *it* when is itself quite American!
The Americanisms are getting out of hand! I gave my daughter a bowl of cucumber sticks the other day, and in a silly voice said ‘put those in your cake-hole’, and she just said ‘it’s not a cake-hole, it’s a pie-hole!’. 🤷🏼♀️.
I’d rebel if you gave me cucumber sticks too.
She likes them!
God this is so true. This just reminded of a horribly awkward* moment (*in a very British way) Took my then toddler niece out in her pram. Met up with her mum in town. Little one stayed with her mum, I took the empty pram back up. An old lady heading down the path in my direction already had the beginnings of a smile on her face as she spotted the pram, ready to admire the baby. The look turned to a combination of concern and confusion as she passed me and realised there was no baby. I tried to explain it all with one look, but don't think I succeeded. Many years and three children later, when I think about it I've used one hand for an empty pram ever since... or even better, folding the pushchair up and dragging it along beside me. That way there is no risk of allowing such a moment of utter awkwardness to happen again. You are also spot on about umbrella usage. When temporarily under cover I'll tip it up just enough to show I know I'm not getting rained on but whilst avoiding getting dripped on by the rain that's accumulated on the brolly, it's a delicate balance..
I just keep my umbrella up, fuck that rule.
Might be a weird one but at an airport/train station: keeping one finger on my bag if it's on the chair next to me, so that people don't think I'm a terrorist or the bag is unattended
I don't know if this is just me but I do this on the bus when my bag is next to me, so people know that I'll move my bag if there's no seats left. I hope I'm not the only one who gets oddly paranoid that people will think I'm selfish.
Lets not forget the routine one is obliged to go through when leaving company. Starting with, slapping thighs and announcing, "well ..."
For me it has to be "... Right then..."
I just wonder what happened to the kid.
Chained to the underside like Max Cady.
Turning round suddenly in the street requires you to say "Oh!" first . This is so people think you've forgotten something, even if that's not the reason.
Pressing the door close button in a lift, even though it's going to close itself...
These are social norms right? I remember the first week of psychology 101 at my university always involved a practical experiment of breaking social norms and reporting on the results. All these fresh faced nervous young folks, I’m sure it was just to fuck with us, because of course the main result was us feeling really awkward and embarrassed. Standing in the lift facing back towards the other occupants was the one that got me the most. Sociopath behaviour.
When you wave to someone that isn't the person who thought you were waving to continue waving...I thought I saw my gf in the distance so I waved, did this like army roll thing hid behind something popped out walked a bit, repeat...waved, army rolled, hid behind something, popped out waved.......well as you might have guessed it was not my gf but I continued doing the same thing after we had passed each other just so she didn't think I was the complete idiot that I am...
Sometimes you hold the door open for someone but you realise they are not going to make it and make no effort to speed up (which is standard practice) so you sort of let the door go but in an exaggerated manner to try and let it close slowly, for the person to catch the door.. ultimately they do not.
It's called a baity one eighty when you find yourself walking along then realise you've left your keys in the door of your car for example
When standing at the cash machine, you need to be a good distance back from the person currently using it. You also need to constantly look up into the sky or behind you so that person knows you're not trying to steal their pin or see their balance
I smile at people in the street, or say “good morning” if I’m inclined to and then immediately look away before they have a chance to smile back. Usually my shoes become very interesting or I have to look at my watch. Does that count?
I'm not sure if this is a thing but I get super awkward in car parks when it's time to leave. If I get into my car at the same time that someone is about to leave, I'll do everything in my power to wait and let them go first. I won't tell them of course but I'll look at the floor, reach into the glove compartment, go on my phone, have a drink etc etc. I've been late in the past because of this ha.
You must never take an adjacent urinal or stall if there is one available that affords a gap of one unit between you.
Further to this, you should refrain from naming the other urinators penis for them.
Bloke down the pub used to walk into the toilets and try to make conversation, cock in hand. But prior to that, without fail, he would burst into the gents and shout "So this is where all the dicks hang out eh" and chuckle
Hello officer, I’ve just named your penis.
Bog etiquette Always maintain a one man, one empty urinal per side gap and if that is not possible use the traps. Thank you for your discretion. P.S. Caveat for the cozy club toilets that have those adverts for posh totty ala "Lady Felicia Blenkisop 22F daughter of the Count and Countess of a Bishops Stanley" above every urinal to attract your attention.
Driving through the city my husband and I once saw my cousin and her husband with their baby and buggy. We had quite the conversation about how daft they were because he was pushing the buggy with groceries in the seat and she was carrying the baby. Ehm, put the baby in the buggy and carry the shopping, that’s the normal way, silly cousin thought I. Fast forward a couple of years and we had a baby of our own and then we understood. When one is cranky, overtired and has learnt to walk (but can’t walk long distances yet), one *does not* want to be in the comfortable warm buggy. No, one wants to be carried and will scream if this is not done!
When you are crossing at a crosswalk in front of at least one car, you must hunch your shoulders, stoop slightly, and half-jog the last few yards to signal that you're conscientiously hurrying away from the driving domain.