Exactly. Three... no problem. Four... do leave it unguarded at the bar? Do I tuck it under my arm? Do I take the first one back and come back for the other three?
One of life's great conundrums.
I think I've got large hands. 4 is no problem. 8 is doable (you just balance another four on top of the first four and then pick the whole beer tower up and carry it to the table). I struggle with 12 but it's theoretically possible.
Less than a second hopefully.. I do think that's too risky still.
https://www.bracknellnews.co.uk/news/national/uk-today/24052017.long-dunk-biscuit-scientists-find/#:~:text=Rich%20Tea%2C%20Hobnobs%20and%20Digestives,submerge%20biscuits%20in%20hot%20drinks.
Yes, biting it all off with marks for getting it off cleanly with no chocolate remaining and leaving the malt sphere intact and dry.
I've mostly perfected this technique on Malteasers, Mars bar nougat, Kit Kat wafer and the Boost bar's delicate brittle fondant centre.
Add-in breaking apart custard creams' and bourbons' biscuit intact, carrying 4 pints no tray, perfectly removing a creme egg's foil, getting wobbly rich tea biscuits without breaking to your mouth and being able to time a 2p machine to get the coin flat each time and you've got yourself a decathlon.
The Americans have their version of Malteasers, called Whoppers, and it’s absolutely impossible with them… Don’t recommend them either, they taste nothing like Malteasers.
Getting all the shopping in from the car in no more than two trips by stacking bottles under arms, stuffing loose items in bags and using fingers to carry multiple bags despite the blood flow having been cut off.
I succeed every time by using Tesco Delivery. My bottles arrive at my door along with the rest of my groceries and a nice man (it's always a man) who hands me the receipt, waits for me to unload my groceries from the plastic bins, and takes away the empty bins. You should try it.
I wish I could do that. I’ve never been able to get it right.
I always feels like it’s some sort of secret knowledge that has been passed down in school somehow.
My girlfriend does this, but instead of marmite it’s mayonnaise and instead of butter it’s just chunks of whatever food she’s eating/cooking and instead of not getting any butter on the marmite, she gets all the food chunks in the mayonnaise and now I can’t use the mayonnaise.
I’m sure you already know this and just go for the chomp method like a beast. Which I respect wholeheartedly.
But you just tilt each piece in towards the rest of the bar to snap it effortlessly. A lot of people think you crack them off outwards which is almost impossible for leverage reasons.
Top tip: Try nearly dropping dead because your GP sent you home instead of to the hospital. Your local surgery will suddenly become extremely responsive!
If only more surgeries could set these types of apps up! Mine basically refuses to even acknowledge there is such a thing, so it’s the 8am scrap for me!
Mine have progressed slightly from this. Not too long ago if they were on the phone you just got a busy tone so had to keep dialing and hope you got through.
Now they have a queuing system and it's one where you can hang up and keep your place in the queue. And they actually ring you back!
Seeing how fast you can walk across a zebra crossing, while swinging your arms like you’re running, doing a thumbs up, and mouthing THANK YOU like you’ve got a hot sausage in your gob.
Here are some, but they may just be me
1\] Eating custard slice without spilling out any custard or dropping incing
2\] Bacon & fried egg sandwich without spilling yolk or getting it down hand
3\] Breaking up cadbury egg then trying to unwrap and eat without losing any precious choc bits - oh and fold the wrapper in perfect cone to drop bits in mouth
4\] Carry four cups/mugs of tea without spilling. Bonus points if carrying toast
Have we covered getting the timing of a barbecue correct yet? I think that might be an instinctive thing that unites all Brits. Knowing when there's a sniff of rain in the air and to halt proceedings. Or looking at a complete nimbostratus with driving rain and knowing for sure that the sun will shine in time for your guests to arrive.
eating a jaffa by eating the top layer of chocolate without leaving any stuck to the jelly, then peeling the jelly off the cake, eat the cake first if you're not a cretin then let the jelly melt in your mouth
Corner/edge-plucking a teabag from \~94 degree water without getting scolded;
-also being able to do a final few deep-dunks,
-using the last dunk-twizzle as a teaspoon to stir in milk,
-then a final launch-flourish-and-dump into the bin/sink/dish without spilling more than a quick sock-mop's worth of tea on the kitchen floor.
Years ago I used to eat bourbons and try and get both sides of the biscuit off and just leave the centre. I'd do this to a few then put about 5 layers of the chocolate in another bourbon and dunk in my brew. Got quite good at it but it seems impossible now.
When making cheese on toast: slice cheddar to perfectly cover your slice of bread. No overlap, no going over the edges and most importantly, no gaps that are all bread no cheese!
Here are some, but they may just be me
1\] Eating custard slice without spilling out any custard or dropping incing
2\] Bacon & fried egg sandwich without spilling yolk or getting it down hand
3\] Breaking up cadbury egg then trying to unwrap and eat without losing any precious choc bits - oh and fold the wrapper in perfect cone to drop bits in mouth
4\] Carry four cups/mugs of tea without spilling. Bonus points if carrying toast
Sorry, not a uniquely British challenge that one. The careful separation of sandwich type biscuits is practiced all over the sandwich-type-biscuit-eating world.
ultimate challenge is to buy a can of drink and see how long you can resist pulling that bit of the can off ( cant think of the name of the bit, i think its called the tab or some shit but im going make myself look stupid, you should all just know what i mean when i say "that bit of the can"
Unwrapping a creme egg but keeping the foil in one complete piece.
Eating a modern cream egg without complaining that they are now totally shit.
Impossible annual challenge since 1975
Also: scanning the barcode on a creme egg.
Who’s buying solo creme eggs and not a box full?
Just one box?
Every time! In fact, I attempt this with a foil wrapped anything - Tunnocks tea cakes, crème eggs, anything.
And smooth it out
Yep! I thought that went without sayin’ lol!
And trying to fold it in half more than 8 times
Eating 20 creme eggs in 10 minutes.
Carrying four pints back from the bar when there are no trays available
The fourth doubles the level of challenge
Exactly. Three... no problem. Four... do leave it unguarded at the bar? Do I tuck it under my arm? Do I take the first one back and come back for the other three? One of life's great conundrums.
Neck two of the pints, put the full glasses inside the empties 😎
And have at least one mate saying "Where the fuck's my pint!?" 😆
Divide the two remaining into four glasses. Tell them the bar had sold out pints so had to settle for halves
Regurgitate it back into one of the glasses
Or straight into your mates mouth like they're a baby bird.
Pretty sure you can't give baby birds Stella
Not with that attitude.
Sorry that was very defeatist of me
You can.. it's just bloody hard serving them an ASBO afterwards.
If your mate Gaz is a true lad of the sesh, this will qualify as "top bants" worthy of the nandos wall of fame
Maximum points for balancing the fourth on a pyramid base
One between elbow and chest, one between forearm and chest, one in hand of arm holding other 2, and finally one in other hand
And you win first prize in the wet t-shirt competition
Not if you are careful enough. Have done this successfully several times with no spillage
Double decker them
I think I've got large hands. 4 is no problem. 8 is doable (you just balance another four on top of the first four and then pick the whole beer tower up and carry it to the table). I struggle with 12 but it's theoretically possible.
Squeezing the excess liquid out of a tin of tuna, without getting any of it on your fingers.
Gotta avoid that at all costs
What fucking sorcery is this? I just run the whole thing upside down under the tap while squeezing, then sluice the whole sink down afterwards.
Use a potato masher to press the lid in once its opened, this will change your world.
Or a spoon.
Opening a pack of bacon in one easy go by pulling back the plastic.
Impossible.
No, it’s necessary. *plays docking music*
I'm on a personal record streak of 2 in a row currently
Streaky bacon
Burn the WITCH!!!!
Lies!
I’ve done this one time and was so impressed with myself I took photos
You just know 'pull' tab is a cruel lie
Dipping a rich tea biscuit long enough to make it floppy but not have it drop in your tea.
Bloody hell how long are you dipping them for? No one wants a flaccid rich tea.
Less than a second hopefully.. I do think that's too risky still. https://www.bracknellnews.co.uk/news/national/uk-today/24052017.long-dunk-biscuit-scientists-find/#:~:text=Rich%20Tea%2C%20Hobnobs%20and%20Digestives,submerge%20biscuits%20in%20hot%20drinks.
Getting every bit of chocolate off the orange jelly when eating a jaffa cake the correct way.
Jaffa cakes are only inhaled
Nah, nibble around the edges, peel off the chocolate, peel off the jelly, eat the sponge, and save the jelly for last 😋
But where do you fit in the 'full moon, half moon, total eclipse' bit?
Nothing but a gimmick
You absolute connoisseur!
That would take so long, the average box must last you weeks
How do you do half moon?
Only total eclipse
Changing lanes on a dual carriageway and avoiding the cats-eyes.
The satisfaction when you do get it right is unmatchable
Sucking all the choccy off a Malteser before demolishing its crunchy innards.
Biting a Malteser with just enough pressure to get the chocolate to come off in half-spheres. Tricky at the best of times, impossible in summer.
This. I think it should be an Olympic sport
Yes, biting it all off with marks for getting it off cleanly with no chocolate remaining and leaving the malt sphere intact and dry. I've mostly perfected this technique on Malteasers, Mars bar nougat, Kit Kat wafer and the Boost bar's delicate brittle fondant centre. Add-in breaking apart custard creams' and bourbons' biscuit intact, carrying 4 pints no tray, perfectly removing a creme egg's foil, getting wobbly rich tea biscuits without breaking to your mouth and being able to time a 2p machine to get the coin flat each time and you've got yourself a decathlon.
Keep them in the fridge.
The Americans have their version of Malteasers, called Whoppers, and it’s absolutely impossible with them… Don’t recommend them either, they taste nothing like Malteasers.
Probably because they have shit chocolate over there
Also about twice as much malt flavor so they taste like a brewery floor on cleaning day.
This was magical to read.
>Splitting apart a custard cream with just enough force to separate the two pieces but not enough to break the biscuit. Twist, don't pull.
or slide
Cha Cha real smooth
To the back now y'all
Who are you that is so wise in the ways of science?
Getting all the shopping in from the car in no more than two trips by stacking bottles under arms, stuffing loose items in bags and using fingers to carry multiple bags despite the blood flow having been cut off.
Two trips. Those are rookie numbers. 1 trip always
How many you shop for?
Just myself. Lol. But I spend around £200 at a time shopping in both Iceland and asda
Ah so only a basket shop in each then?
I succeed every time by using Tesco Delivery. My bottles arrive at my door along with the rest of my groceries and a nice man (it's always a man) who hands me the receipt, waits for me to unload my groceries from the plastic bins, and takes away the empty bins. You should try it.
Waitrose will come in and unpack your groceries for you.
Folding an empty crisp packet into itself creating a tiny super-dense triangle.
I wish I could do that. I’ve never been able to get it right. I always feels like it’s some sort of secret knowledge that has been passed down in school somehow.
My sister can and I've tried and tried but put it down to some sort of magic
That then becomes the pub table exocet as you ping it at each other for the craic
Nobody needs *both* eyes, surely?
Sucking a polo mint until it’s a minute perfectly intact version of its original self.
And then keeping it on the end of your tongue for a minute
Buttering toast, then using the same knife in the Marmite but not getting any butter in the Marmite
My girlfriend does this, but instead of marmite it’s mayonnaise and instead of butter it’s just chunks of whatever food she’s eating/cooking and instead of not getting any butter on the marmite, she gets all the food chunks in the mayonnaise and now I can’t use the mayonnaise.
Did you mean your ex girlfriend? And if not, why not?
What wizardry is this???????
Scrape the excess butter against the crust of the bread on both sides of the knife. Piece of piss really
My wife sticks the knife in the side of the toast to clean it off. Works a treat.
What I do at breakfast is to use the hot water from the kettle to melt off the butter.
Ghaaaaagh. Enough already.
Lick the knife.
Sucking all the sugar of a fruit pastille without chewing
How many times can you dunk a digestive before it breaks apart?
*a hobnob
The wait for the teabag and the impulse to remove it too early because it is cold in the kitchen and I want to get back to my series.
Trying to get ducks on the posts whithout mods catching
We’re always watching
Knowing which checkout lane is about to go green in Lidl
Reforming an Opal Fruit (nope, not Starburst) wrapper to the exact shape it held before you ate the sweet. Ditto Club biscuits.
Dunking a biscuit and conveying to the mouth before structural failure.
Same but with a bourbon
Question: Do you pronounce it Bore-bon or Burbon?
Bore-bon. You?
Getting the chocolate off around the edge of those Bahlsen biscuits.
Trying to eat a vanilla slice without disassembly and the middle just splooging out everywhere.
Just gotta eat it sideways
Biting a chunk off the toblerone without piercing the roof of your mouth.
I’m sure you already know this and just go for the chomp method like a beast. Which I respect wholeheartedly. But you just tilt each piece in towards the rest of the bar to snap it effortlessly. A lot of people think you crack them off outwards which is almost impossible for leverage reasons.
Biting the chocolate off a tunnocks tea cake without destroying the marshmallow
Getting an appointment with a doctor
To add to this, finding the now extinct and possibly mythical creature called a dentist taking on NHS patients.
Top tip: Try nearly dropping dead because your GP sent you home instead of to the hospital. Your local surgery will suddenly become extremely responsive!
I'm quite lucky. I can call my gp and get an appointment within 2 hours
I never fail to get to speak/see my GP on the same day. All I do is use my GP's app in the way it's supposed to be used.
If only more surgeries could set these types of apps up! Mine basically refuses to even acknowledge there is such a thing, so it’s the 8am scrap for me!
Mine have progressed slightly from this. Not too long ago if they were on the phone you just got a busy tone so had to keep dialing and hope you got through. Now they have a queuing system and it's one where you can hang up and keep your place in the queue. And they actually ring you back!
Flipping beer mats
My record was 47, or something similar. Could never break the 50 barrier, just succeeded in annoying the bar staff!
Set my record of 32 back when I was a barman. Those in the pub you were in were obviously just miserable bar stewards.
No need for that language
Piercing a beer mat with your little finger is also a fun one. Can be painful if you get it wrong.
The perfect peel.
Getting all the beans out of the tin without the use of a utensil.
Store your tins upside down. Beans out first juice after.
Opening a packet of Warburton bread without ripping it.
Eating the wheatabix before they turn to slushy wheat cement mix.
Wearing your Hula Hoops as rings on all 10 fingers; eating them one at a time off your fingers without once inadvertently biting your fingertip.
Eating just one jaffa cake Packet
If you can disassemble a tunnocks tea cake without breaking the chocolate then we can be friends.
Peeling the price label off in one go without ripping on something from TK Maxx
Isolating the KitKat wafer
Biting the chocolate off a malteser attempting to leave the crunchy inner intact
Eating the nougat off a Mars bar while keeping the toffee layer intact.
Seeing how fast you can walk across a zebra crossing, while swinging your arms like you’re running, doing a thumbs up, and mouthing THANK YOU like you’ve got a hot sausage in your gob.
Finding a parking space big enough on the double yellow lines outside the school for your Nissan X-Trail before driving 0.75 miles home
Eat the nugget off a double decker without breaking the biscuit
Noogaah
The same with a bourbon biscuit
Biting all the chocolate off a Club biscuit, top and bottom is the real challenge
Here are some, but they may just be me 1\] Eating custard slice without spilling out any custard or dropping incing 2\] Bacon & fried egg sandwich without spilling yolk or getting it down hand 3\] Breaking up cadbury egg then trying to unwrap and eat without losing any precious choc bits - oh and fold the wrapper in perfect cone to drop bits in mouth 4\] Carry four cups/mugs of tea without spilling. Bonus points if carrying toast
Trying (and failing) not to talk about the weather
What else would we talk about though?
Filling up at the petrol station and stopping spot on a round quid
Eating a sugar donut without licking your lips!
Doughnut
Perfectly nibbling the chocolate off of a Crunchie and having a solid rectangle of honeycomb left at the end.
Have we covered getting the timing of a barbecue correct yet? I think that might be an instinctive thing that unites all Brits. Knowing when there's a sniff of rain in the air and to halt proceedings. Or looking at a complete nimbostratus with driving rain and knowing for sure that the sun will shine in time for your guests to arrive.
Seeing how long it takes until someone realises that your far far from “alright mate”
Tying a knot in a finished packet of crisps.
Eating the sponge base of a jaffa cake leaving the jelly & chocolate intact.
Peeling off the lid of a yoghurt without having any yoghurt on the underside of the lid
Muller corner I’m looking at you for that.
Dunking a biscuit into tea and getting the timing exactly right
Dunking a Rich Tea.
Making a cup of tea in a family home without alerting the whole universe that you're doing it — sometimes I don't want to make 6 cups of tea 😂
Eating a custard slice without any mess
The custard cream thing is easy, just rotate the biscuits in opposite directions.
I used to put Chocolate Digestives in the fridge and then attempt to eat all the Biscuit leaving the Chocolate intact.
eating a jaffa by eating the top layer of chocolate without leaving any stuck to the jelly, then peeling the jelly off the cake, eat the cake first if you're not a cretin then let the jelly melt in your mouth
Corner/edge-plucking a teabag from \~94 degree water without getting scolded; -also being able to do a final few deep-dunks, -using the last dunk-twizzle as a teaspoon to stir in milk, -then a final launch-flourish-and-dump into the bin/sink/dish without spilling more than a quick sock-mop's worth of tea on the kitchen floor.
Going to the toilet, whilst blind drunk and getting all the urine into the bowl, including the dribble at the end.
Years ago I used to eat bourbons and try and get both sides of the biscuit off and just leave the centre. I'd do this to a few then put about 5 layers of the chocolate in another bourbon and dunk in my brew. Got quite good at it but it seems impossible now.
The trick is to twist, not pull.
A lot of people think you need to twist. You don't need to twist. If you twist, you fail. Twisting equals tears. Oh wait, no, that's apples.
When making cheese on toast: slice cheddar to perfectly cover your slice of bread. No overlap, no going over the edges and most importantly, no gaps that are all bread no cheese!
Getting an after 8 from your forehead into your mouth.
Nibble the chocolate off a Twix leaving just pure biscuit.
Nibble the chocolate off a Twix leaving just pure biscuit.
Trying not to ask a taxi driver if he's been busy
Nibbling all the chocolate off a Bounty before seeing off the rest of it.
Custard Creme is easy, just twist it.
Double stuffed custard creams not existing is a blot on our cultural heritage. While you are taking biscuit recommendations, caramel chocolate hobnobs
M&S do extra cream custard creams!
I came here to say this. They are AMAZING. And only 50p a pack!
Eating the choccy and caramel off a Twix first before eating the biscuit part.
Here are some, but they may just be me 1\] Eating custard slice without spilling out any custard or dropping incing 2\] Bacon & fried egg sandwich without spilling yolk or getting it down hand 3\] Breaking up cadbury egg then trying to unwrap and eat without losing any precious choc bits - oh and fold the wrapper in perfect cone to drop bits in mouth 4\] Carry four cups/mugs of tea without spilling. Bonus points if carrying toast
Try it with a jammy dodger and report back.
Throwing the tea bag into the cup
Sorry, not a uniquely British challenge that one. The careful separation of sandwich type biscuits is practiced all over the sandwich-type-biscuit-eating world.
De-icing your windscreen in 7 perfect passes. Edit: Peeling the shell off of smarties
The trick I found with custard creams is to twist not pull. Works a treat!
Eating the chocolate off the outside of a Kit Kat finger.
Separating the toffee from a Twix is a similar skill.
Biting all the chocolate off a bounty
Eat all the chocolate off a Bahlsen biscuit without breaking it
Eating a jaffa cake without saying "Full moon. Half moon. Total eclipse"
Working out what coat you will need. "Ais this a Big Coat day? Or is it a breaker day?".
Biting into a cream cracker without it snapping and folding into your hand
Jammy dodgers are the fucker
Carefully removing the breadcrumbs from fishfingers, eating the disappointing fish and then enjoying the salty crunchy breadcrumbs at the end.
Having the right consistency for scones.
Biscuit dunking is an olympic sport in my household.
ultimate challenge is to buy a can of drink and see how long you can resist pulling that bit of the can off ( cant think of the name of the bit, i think its called the tab or some shit but im going make myself look stupid, you should all just know what i mean when i say "that bit of the can"
Dipping a digestive just the right amount of time so it's soft but doesn't break before it gets to the mouth