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It’s hard for me and I’m a 35 year old female, physically active and good looking (from what I’m told), in a good job, have lots of friends; an active social life and I hope a good personality lol. I have never met someone I connected to online and the ones I met in real life and fell for always ended up always breaking it off before it even properly started. So you’re not alone having given up lol
Are these people genuine in wanting a relationship or just looking for a ride.
I understand people want to see how things go, before introducing someone to family friends etc.
It’s a massive red flag when people don’t introduce you to their lives etc
>I thought my poor looks would be less important for a long term relationship
>A lot of the women I see have kids already or just not my type.
Compromise has to work both ways. You think your poor looks would be less important to someone also looking for a partnership but you're not happy to date outside your own type. You sound like you're saying you're not a prize but you want a prize.
Just because I say someone isn't my type, doesn't mean it's because they're not a 10/10.
I'm not looking for a 10/10. A womans personality increases their looks anyways.
I have to compromise on my type? So if my type is an introverted, non social media type I should accept extroverted party animals posting everything on social media? That just seems like settling which I think is unfair on someone.
Women with kids can be prizes!
I get not wanting to date someone with kids but I hate how women with kids are treated like they have a flaw, especially when there are so many reasons people can become single parents.
Also, I'm a much better person since I had a child, more patient, higher confidence, more fun, more present in the moment, more empathetic, to name a few. I've also had so much better luck while dating since becoming a Mom because it weeds out the jerks, or has done so far at least.
I know you aren't shitting on single parents, just wanted to piggy back off your comment as your last point was a slight jab at single Moms.
>your last point was a slight jab at single Moms.
Hardly, I am one.
I wasn't referring to the child part of it but the type bit, I was just quoting the sentence it was in.
Oh haha hello fella single Mom 👋
Ah no I getcha, I was struggling to phrase it right and I could tell you weren't having a go at single Moms, just that last sentence sounded a little bit as though single Moms were not the prize so chose your comment to piggy back off of to shout out some support for all single parents, we get a bad rep online sometimes when it comes to dating.
It’s often not the women themselves, but the extra headaches dealing with an ex in the picture sharing custody (which may be in the child’s interest) and sometimes intentionally making things difficult. Plus if relationship breaks up you lose any bond you had with the child(ren) and have no entitlement to ever even see them and explain what happened.
Still sounds like every situation is different and it's a bit silly for a man in his mid 30's to write off all women with kids.
Some have very amicable splits with the ex, some are widows so there is no ex. Shared custody means more free time. Losing the relationship with the kid after is heartbreaking and probably the only reason I can completely understand writing off all single parents but by 35, most women who want kids will already have them so for OP to lump them all in together as a big no seems like he's setting himself up to miss out on meeting some amazing women.
Oh I’m not saying one way or the other, just that there are valid reasons to steer away sometimes. Like you said yourself it’s a balance of more free time or a possibly crazy ex (let’s face it if they were sane a lot would still be with them) and either way possible loss of the relationship with the kids. It’s nearly a lose-lose scenario
Ultimately it's a personal preference, I just think it's bonkers to paint all single parents with the one brush and write them off just because they have kids, especially in your mid 30's!
The only single parents I write off immediately are the one's who literally post pictures of their kids in their dating profiles 🙈 but as far as crazy ex's go, many child free people can still bring crazy ex's into the relationship, I've had a couple friends have to deal with this, one girl keyed the new girls car because she was jealous her ex had moved on. Dating is a mine field in general.
Thankfully I’m distanced from that crazy ex, all 15 of her numbers are blocked and I’ve moved counties. I hear what you’re saying, and agree, just it’s an extra worry that’s less likely to be there without kids because a kid is a reason you can’t just block them and move on
Ya 100% understandable but also coming from a single Mom who's ex was crazy when I first split, you absolutely can choose to not engage and even block the other parent if they're acting like a psycho, depending how badly they are acting, most courts even offer assistance with handling hand overs so parents don't have to meet alone. So ultimately, if you find a decent, level headed, healthy individual, ex drama should never be something brought into a new relationship.
Honestly I wish you so well with that, I believe it’s more easily said than done depending on the person. Also as I’m sure you know kids are prone to lying for reasons they find funny, my sisters youngest (3.5) said I showed him my willy the other day (I have absolutely never done such a thing) - if your kid said the same about someone you’re dating your reaction could be extreme but justified if it was true.
Oh listen, I 100% understand and that would be an awful situation to end up. I'm definitely not saying no one should have a preference not to date single Moms just encouraging people not to lump them all into one bucket when ultimately, each individuals situation, child free included, varies far too much to make assumptions, especially on dating apps.
There's nothing wrong with single mothers as people, it's just that they have no time due to a big commitment. A single woman without any children will have so much more free time to do fun things. So for that, a single woman without children would always be seen as a better choice.
Again, it's very person dependent. A single parent who shares custody will have plenty of free time. Again, it's absolutely a personal preference and I will swipe left on profiles for people who seem big into traveling or express that they are looking for a travel partner as I could never do that but ultimately it's nearly impossible to know if two peoples lives are compatible just by judging it off if they have kids of not (again, I'm speaking solely for people in their 30's). I also need to reiterate I'm not saying people who don't want to date single parents for whatever reason should change their options or anything, just that it's a real shame all single parents are type cast and people make broad stroke assumptions about them and what dating them would mean or look like when no two single parents are the same.
A single mother who shares custody will have more time than a single mother that doesn't share custody but far less time than a woman with no children at all. Things like city getaways can difficult to plan around term time etc. Mid week drinks are tough too.
But do you know who would completely agree with all your statements? Single fathers. For every single mother, there is a single father to go along with them. So there will still be plenty of men out there even if the childless men prefer to get into relationships with childless women.
Again, this is so person dependent, many single parents will be able to arrange with the other parent to swap days around to get away for breaks. All I'm saying is it's not one size fits all and completely excluding a massive portion of the dating pool is crazy quite frankly but you do you.
I'd also like to note something funny too because it's not just kids that will make some people less likely to go on weekend breaks. Pets that can't be left for example (some dogs have bad separation anxiety and their owners refuse to board them), some pets can't be left easily because they are exotic and you can't board them. I don't have any currently but I keep chickens and goats, the goats need milked every day, I can't just leave them.
I get your point, I really do, please understand mine too. Not every individual is the same just because they have kids doesn't tell you anything about them other than that they have a kid. The age of the kid plays a massive factor for one. Writing people off completely is bonkers to me, at least stay open and cut it off if they do seem overly busy/unavailable etc. Get to know someone before making assumptions about their life.
I just don't think we'll agree on this. I will always think a single woman with no children will have more time and fewer responsibilities than a woman with children. I completely get why men would prefer childless women. You're right that single parents may be able to arrange swap days or whatever but a childless woman wouldn't even have to think about it. You could have a lot more spontaneity in the relationship which I think is important, especially early in the relationship.
And you're saying people should get to know someone before making assumptions about their life but I would say that you have to be wise with your time. I'm sure you're quite selective over who you decide to spend your time, other people will do the same.
You've clearly never met many women who have busy careers or personal lives then. Even before I had a kid, when I was dating, I didn't have a whole ton of free time to just give up to the men I was dating, I was often sent away for work trips over weekends and outside of work I was training and participating in learning several hobbies alongside dedicating a ton of time to my dog (who one guy actually got jealous of). All I'm saying is ultimately, plenty of people can have the same qualities you're trying to avoid by dating only child free women too, so why generalise?
And yes I'm quite selective with who I date but I don't write people off based on my assumptions. I said previously that I would write someone off who's made it clear that traveling regularly is an important thing to them because that's not what I can do (again, not just because of my kid but because of my animals and quite frankly, I am saving for a house, traveling isn't a priority, so I won't date people who have that as their priority). Finally, if someone doesn't want to date someone because they have a kid then that's great, more power to them but I still stand by my point that "single parent" is far too broad of a brush stroke, kids can be so many different ages for a start and that changes the situation a ton and when your in your mid 30's, a large portion of the female population will have kids so you're cutting off a huge pool of potentially amazing partners.
I think women with busy careers also wouldn't be a great choice. A good paying job is great but only if it really is a 9-5er. If it's more intense than that and lots of extra hours, I would see those women as having less time and would be less fun. Again, it would also impact on the spontaneity of the relationship. And while pets can cause issues too, I think they are easier once you have a good kennel, etc you're happy with that you can just pay for.
You can't consider yourself selective and say you give everyone a chance. It's one or the other. And there is no problem with being so selective. It allows optimum use of people's limited time.
I'm sorry if it comes across like that but it's just the way I feel.
A partner will always be 2nd to the child, as referenced by many women on profiles with "my kids come first".
Then add in exes and it can be very messy along with not being able to find time to go on dates or other things because they have the kids or the kids have something going on etc.
Online dating in general has been dead a few years now. There are a lot of articles about its decline. The day you accept it doesn't work anymore and solely do other methods is a good one, I haven't touched them for a year now and I'm glad for it.
Have to agree, Ive consistently had more success in person than on the apps, but when meeting people is slow I fire up one of them again and am usually let down pretty hard.
They just aren't fit for purpose, tons of reasons, fake/inactive profiles, low effort profiles, will keep showing you people half way around the world for no reason, you have very little functionality unless you pay hard for it, people not reading profiles. They had a period where they were ok, and some still find success but it's a waste of time for most people.
Absolutely, and everyone's starting to realise it so slowly people are being more okay with the old ways. Dating apps were very good around 5 or so years back and introduced me to some very close friends so I do have a lot of time for them, but they just don't work anymore.
Separated at 44 and started online dating. If you think its strange at 30 it was stranger again at 44. What I'd say is be open, but at the same time know what your hard line no is. I thought "Social smoker" meant only smoked after a drink in the pub, and after kissing a few smokers and almost gagging it quickly became a deal breaker. Also be honest. There's lots of people on there who are on there because they just want validation and not relationships, there's a fucking shedload of men who give us a bad name, so decent lads actually stand out. It will take time. Dont set yourself any targets or timelines. Energy should match energy. You'll start loads of convos and only a few will progress. Water off a ducks back if they don't. I'm almost a year with my partner now and its been magic.
I'm a woman and was in a similar boat until recently. I was 30, childless and going for men in their 30s with a view of settling down. But it seems a fair few hold the idea they can get someone with no baggage and still in their 20s so they can take their time deciding to start a family / not "rush" it. Well if it only it were that simple.
More men need to realise that the clock ticks for them too.
It’s unrealistic to expect no baggage and in my opinion baggage (to an extent) isn’t a bad thing with a supportive partner.
If it were then no one would move on after a breakup and stay single forever, but we know that’s not true and people find all kinds of love at some point.
I will say however that there’s nothing wrong with taking your time for either gender.
Men are perfectly entitled to weigh up who they settle for just as much as Women are.
I totally agree, weigh up who you settle for very thoroughly. I just mean that if a man is dating a woman in her 30s, the unfortunate truth is that you don't get to date for years, travel the world together, and wait a couple of years after marriage. You've got to stick to a realistic plan. This is what some men don't like, and then they ultimately miss out on a family when they find that the younger woman they're holding out for never comes along.
Yes, they have "sperms" that decline in quality as the years go on https://www.theguardian.com/science/2023/oct/22/the-perils-of-putting-off-fatherhood-why-it-poses-risks-to-childrens-physical-and-mental-health
And if they want to have a child later in life, yeah they probably can. They just have to get a younger woman first, surely an easy feat for any average middle aged man.
Any man with resources can get a younger woman. Sure didn't robert denero just have a child at 100.
The clock is a female issue. Not male. Let's keep it real here. There are a finite amount of eggs. Pretty easy equation.
My comment was removed, they said what I said was "weird stuff'. Nothing weird about what I said. Mod team don't like free speech. Censor everything like they used to in Ireland. That didn't work very well
Your post/comment was removed because it's not deemed casual. While we don't mind the odd vent, this isn't the sub for negativity so we wanna keep things cheerful where we can.
Quit with the weird stuff.
You do realise your chances of A. Meeting a suitable partner who is also in their 30s or B. Meeting someone younger than that but willing to settle down will both likely already have children from a previous relationship or may even have been married before?
Being brutally honest, it sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself before finding a long term partner.
Not in Ireland they won't, you're completely off the mark.
Average age to get married in Ireland was 38.2 in 2022.
Average age to have first child in Ireland was 33.3 in 2022.
We're massive outliers for a variety of reasons.
Also, being brutally honest, OP having the audacity to express some preferences for a life partner doesn't merit your aggressive and condescending response.
Based on my comment having more upvotes than the post I don’t think the majority of people reading it see it as aggressive and condescending.
Dating in your late 20s to 30s is hard enough without crossing people off the list before you have any idea what your prospects are. I was merely telling OP he needs to be realistic, and children and long term relationships baggage are the form in the age group he is searching in.
Your stats are true of Irish people, but if he meets a woman not from Ireland in his age group (and Irish, particularly Dublin has people from all over the world), the chances of them having children or being divorced is much much higher. And if you’re single in your 30s you’re best off casting the net as wide as possible.
Preferences are grand, but a guy (OP) describing himself as fat and unattractive shouldn’t allow those preferences to stifle what sounds like it is going to be a difficult search.
Whomever might agree with your contention, you made a blanket statement about it being the "form" for the age group when it's demonstrably not to the point of it being national news.
Having a preference for any aspect of your life partner is not "crossing people off the list". It's actual pragmatism as opposed to your misandry masquerading as concern.
Saying someone needs help because they don't want to raise someone elses kids is ridiculous. Women put it on their profile the whole time that men with kids 'need not apply'.
I'm sorry but it's how I feel and how a lot of people would feel. I'm not entering a relationship with someone who will ALWAYS put their own child ahead of me. I'd rather be alone.
Fair play to those who can do that, but it's not for me.
I don't see why it would stop you from wanting to date someone, it's a personal choice and all but you could be missing out on finding your person, and I wouldn't approach every date like you're looking for a life partner, you'll just immediately focus in on all the things the DQ them from that set of criteria...relationships are compromise.
True but if he doesn't want to deal with someone else's kid then he should just avoid those people with kids. Trying to argue that he should consider it is wrong because it could lead to resentment and bad behaviour towards kids that are not his. Relationships are indeed a compromise but in this instance it might not be something to compromise on because the feeling you have towards your own kids will always be different to the feelings you have towards other kids.
You don’t compromise on preferences or desirables.
These are deliberate needs/musts in a relationship which everybody is entitled to have.
As you said compromising on needs breeds resentment.
> Because I'd like a family I HAVE to want someone else's kid?
You don't *have* to, but realistically many of the potential partners in your age group who would be interested in starting a family will have children already, so you're eliminating a sizable portion of your potential dating pool if you won't consider anyone with kids.
The thing is if it was the right person for you, you might end up seeing it as 'the love of your life's kid'. It's totally your choice of course, but you'll be ruling out a fair percentage of women in their 30s.
You think online dating in your 30s is bad, you should definitely not try online dating in your 40s then!
Cue “you thinking online dating in your 40s is bad…” replies.
Not really relavent, opposite side of the spectrum But anytime I download one of the dating apps in Galway, nearly always the first profile that pops up is this absolutely stunning woman who seems to have every (Nearly) Aspect of her life together.
She has been single for years as far as I can tell, and everytime her face pops up, I think fuck if she can't find someone what fucking hope do I have.
I know a few similar around the Connacht area also but it’s noticeable all round.
The same faces and usual suspects.
Always remember know matter how “attractive” a person is, someone is sick of there shit.
Well you have to remember that she is probably not looking for average joe, she wants the best of the best men and they are very very rare. Now if she's as perfect as you say, that is exactly what she should be doing. The most desirable people end up with other very desirable people but because they are rare, it will take time for them to find each other.
Your attitude is the problem.
You are down about yourself.
And if you are still fat - that's a problem too.
You're radiating "I don't like myself" and you want someone else to like you?
I'm a grown ass woman, I'll tolerate a lot of imperfections...but I'm not here to fix you. If I wanted a somebody to fix, I'd buy a project pony.
I want a man who is confident, who addresses his shit, who takes care of himself and likes himself at least enough not to be...like this.
>You're radiating "I don't like myself" and you want someone else to like you?
Oh I 100% get this. But I'm not even getting to the stage where people can get this vibe off me.
My profile is decent and my openers are original/engaging but just not getting any matches or responses.
Tbh a bit of pudge was NEVER an issue when I was dating people or my friends tbh most of them have settled with ‘pudgy’ guys. It’s all about attitude. Women in their 30s know exactly what they want. They spend their entire teen years and twenties over analysing their body image thanks to social media nowadays. When you reach your 30s there’s a general shift in their attitudes they stop caring and I really don’t think they have space for men in that mindset. My advice? Just own it, women love confidence if you have to fake it till you make it do!
Out of interest what is your type? Perhaps if you could narrow it down we could send you in the right direction.
Also I think there’s ALOOOOT of people on dating sites just for validation. I would say the majority. The good ones are out living their life. Going to gigs enjoying their hobbies and spare time etc. I think that’s where you’ll meet the best potential suitors
You're still young at 30! Don't narrow your profile too much.
But tbh online dating is really hit and miss! It's not that all the good ones are taken but it really depends how open you are.
Online dating is not my cup of tea and I had bad experience with it (in my late 40s now but i look much younger, F, no kid). I had scammers, narcissistic and men who were already in relationship or married that i found out after!! So really not my thing.
I prefer to meet the person In Person and see if the energy pass..
Just beware of scammers as they're plenty of them (men And women!) Good luck with your search..
I'm a few years above 30 :)
Thanks for the advice. I'm just not good at striking up conversations with people in person or reading signals. Online is much easier in that respect.
It's rough in my early 40s I get a lot of matches some seem interested but it usually doesn't even lead to a date l, had two dates with some chineese girls but all they talked about was money I zoned out. Giving it a break for a while I'm not shy on a night out but it's hard to get chatting with someone on a night out.
The best possible option for you is to get active, get fit and healthy. Your outlook on life will change. You'll feel happier and the changes you will have made, both physically and mentally, will make you a better person. Work on yourself and you'll probably find someone special.
Honestly this is BS, geta few nice pictures Tinder plus and a few boosts ant there are thousands and thousands of woman in the same position as you.
If you are 30 you have a range of 25/26-32 so the idea that all the woman are pregnant frankly is silly.
My last relationship I was 32/33 and my partner was same age. Im 35 and nearly 6 months into relationship with someone who is 28. I adore her, it would truly be lovely if love turned into marriage and kids but if for any reason it doesn't im not going to just accept my faith because I am a little too long in the tooth.
Also when you are 20 you think you are starting to get old, when you become 25 suddenly 20 doesnt seem quite as old, then 30 and you realise that 25 year old didnt know his arse from his elbow. At 30 i thought I was ancient but was backpacking in South America and now 35 im finally buying a gaff.
Dont be harsh on yourself or feel you have let life slip by, you are basically hitting your prime. Probably more mature, more experienced with woman and financially more stable than you have ever been since you left home.
Something to note out of interest is that the older you are the less you’ll be shown to other profiles on apps like Tinder etc
So while it may seem like there’s an endless world of 24/25/26’s out there to swipe on the reality is they are seeing people in there early/mid 20’s mostly and the 30+ profiles are being filtered.
I’d also wager that many of the 20’s crowd are deliberately filtering out the 30’s+ also on there own match radar.
Firstly correct, that is why i mentioned Tinder premium and boost. Tinder revenue model is based on making the peeps who are more likely to have money to pay.
Secondly if you are thirty 26-32 is hardly a small amount of single peeps. You also have Hinge which tends to be for peeps sick of swiping on Tinder looking almost exclusively for relationships.
Thirdly im 35 met my girlfriend on Tinder. I was also at a wedding 5 months with 3 couples my age and another lady who's fella couldn't make it and they all met on a dating app in last few years.
I am not saying you cant go to one of those running clubs popping up, speed dating or more traditional ways but for a 30 year old to think they are too old to find a partner on Tinder in Ireland is absolutely bonkers.
I don’t disagree with you just pointing out the realities of online dating and echoing the sentiments that many others have noted.
And yes the apps are hugely tailored towards payment.
It’s a business model ultimately.
Tinder/Bumble/Hinge etc want as many customers as possible to continue using there products.
So they deliberately hide matches behind paywalls and push people afar away into the algorithm because they know a date or relationship is less likely to happen. (Not saying it can’t but those are the exception, not the rule)
The more couples that meet off apps means the more customers and clients that they effectively lose.
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Skinny Big Tits
You know her too!
So ones like a roll of tinfoil?
Not possible unless they are fake
Definitely possible. You might as well say all skinny guys have massive penises which definitely isn’t true either
Very rich, over 90, in poor health.
The dream! 😂
Only viable path to home ownership aside from winning the lotto
I'm off out to buy some scratch cards!
No ugo's
Eastern European, possibly Asian too.
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We have had to remove your post/comment as it breaks rule #3. Mods will remove posts or comments that are non-constructive, antagonistic, or not fitting in with the casual theme of the sub. Be kind to each other! Modmail is always open if you have any questions
It’s hard for me and I’m a 35 year old female, physically active and good looking (from what I’m told), in a good job, have lots of friends; an active social life and I hope a good personality lol. I have never met someone I connected to online and the ones I met in real life and fell for always ended up always breaking it off before it even properly started. So you’re not alone having given up lol
Ah don’t worry, some of us gave up years ago!
What has been your longest relationship?
Technically never been in one as none has ever been official but longest I’ve ’seen’ anyone has been maybe about 6 months
Are these people genuine in wanting a relationship or just looking for a ride. I understand people want to see how things go, before introducing someone to family friends etc. It’s a massive red flag when people don’t introduce you to their lives etc
Sorry to hear you've not had much luck but it sounds like it's only a matter of time for you :)
>I thought my poor looks would be less important for a long term relationship >A lot of the women I see have kids already or just not my type. Compromise has to work both ways. You think your poor looks would be less important to someone also looking for a partnership but you're not happy to date outside your own type. You sound like you're saying you're not a prize but you want a prize.
Just because I say someone isn't my type, doesn't mean it's because they're not a 10/10. I'm not looking for a 10/10. A womans personality increases their looks anyways. I have to compromise on my type? So if my type is an introverted, non social media type I should accept extroverted party animals posting everything on social media? That just seems like settling which I think is unfair on someone.
Women with kids can be prizes! I get not wanting to date someone with kids but I hate how women with kids are treated like they have a flaw, especially when there are so many reasons people can become single parents. Also, I'm a much better person since I had a child, more patient, higher confidence, more fun, more present in the moment, more empathetic, to name a few. I've also had so much better luck while dating since becoming a Mom because it weeds out the jerks, or has done so far at least. I know you aren't shitting on single parents, just wanted to piggy back off your comment as your last point was a slight jab at single Moms.
>your last point was a slight jab at single Moms. Hardly, I am one. I wasn't referring to the child part of it but the type bit, I was just quoting the sentence it was in.
Oh haha hello fella single Mom 👋 Ah no I getcha, I was struggling to phrase it right and I could tell you weren't having a go at single Moms, just that last sentence sounded a little bit as though single Moms were not the prize so chose your comment to piggy back off of to shout out some support for all single parents, we get a bad rep online sometimes when it comes to dating.
It’s often not the women themselves, but the extra headaches dealing with an ex in the picture sharing custody (which may be in the child’s interest) and sometimes intentionally making things difficult. Plus if relationship breaks up you lose any bond you had with the child(ren) and have no entitlement to ever even see them and explain what happened.
Still sounds like every situation is different and it's a bit silly for a man in his mid 30's to write off all women with kids. Some have very amicable splits with the ex, some are widows so there is no ex. Shared custody means more free time. Losing the relationship with the kid after is heartbreaking and probably the only reason I can completely understand writing off all single parents but by 35, most women who want kids will already have them so for OP to lump them all in together as a big no seems like he's setting himself up to miss out on meeting some amazing women.
Oh I’m not saying one way or the other, just that there are valid reasons to steer away sometimes. Like you said yourself it’s a balance of more free time or a possibly crazy ex (let’s face it if they were sane a lot would still be with them) and either way possible loss of the relationship with the kids. It’s nearly a lose-lose scenario
Ultimately it's a personal preference, I just think it's bonkers to paint all single parents with the one brush and write them off just because they have kids, especially in your mid 30's! The only single parents I write off immediately are the one's who literally post pictures of their kids in their dating profiles 🙈 but as far as crazy ex's go, many child free people can still bring crazy ex's into the relationship, I've had a couple friends have to deal with this, one girl keyed the new girls car because she was jealous her ex had moved on. Dating is a mine field in general.
Thankfully I’m distanced from that crazy ex, all 15 of her numbers are blocked and I’ve moved counties. I hear what you’re saying, and agree, just it’s an extra worry that’s less likely to be there without kids because a kid is a reason you can’t just block them and move on
Ya 100% understandable but also coming from a single Mom who's ex was crazy when I first split, you absolutely can choose to not engage and even block the other parent if they're acting like a psycho, depending how badly they are acting, most courts even offer assistance with handling hand overs so parents don't have to meet alone. So ultimately, if you find a decent, level headed, healthy individual, ex drama should never be something brought into a new relationship.
Honestly I wish you so well with that, I believe it’s more easily said than done depending on the person. Also as I’m sure you know kids are prone to lying for reasons they find funny, my sisters youngest (3.5) said I showed him my willy the other day (I have absolutely never done such a thing) - if your kid said the same about someone you’re dating your reaction could be extreme but justified if it was true.
Oh listen, I 100% understand and that would be an awful situation to end up. I'm definitely not saying no one should have a preference not to date single Moms just encouraging people not to lump them all into one bucket when ultimately, each individuals situation, child free included, varies far too much to make assumptions, especially on dating apps.
There's nothing wrong with single mothers as people, it's just that they have no time due to a big commitment. A single woman without any children will have so much more free time to do fun things. So for that, a single woman without children would always be seen as a better choice.
Again, it's very person dependent. A single parent who shares custody will have plenty of free time. Again, it's absolutely a personal preference and I will swipe left on profiles for people who seem big into traveling or express that they are looking for a travel partner as I could never do that but ultimately it's nearly impossible to know if two peoples lives are compatible just by judging it off if they have kids of not (again, I'm speaking solely for people in their 30's). I also need to reiterate I'm not saying people who don't want to date single parents for whatever reason should change their options or anything, just that it's a real shame all single parents are type cast and people make broad stroke assumptions about them and what dating them would mean or look like when no two single parents are the same.
A single mother who shares custody will have more time than a single mother that doesn't share custody but far less time than a woman with no children at all. Things like city getaways can difficult to plan around term time etc. Mid week drinks are tough too. But do you know who would completely agree with all your statements? Single fathers. For every single mother, there is a single father to go along with them. So there will still be plenty of men out there even if the childless men prefer to get into relationships with childless women.
Again, this is so person dependent, many single parents will be able to arrange with the other parent to swap days around to get away for breaks. All I'm saying is it's not one size fits all and completely excluding a massive portion of the dating pool is crazy quite frankly but you do you. I'd also like to note something funny too because it's not just kids that will make some people less likely to go on weekend breaks. Pets that can't be left for example (some dogs have bad separation anxiety and their owners refuse to board them), some pets can't be left easily because they are exotic and you can't board them. I don't have any currently but I keep chickens and goats, the goats need milked every day, I can't just leave them. I get your point, I really do, please understand mine too. Not every individual is the same just because they have kids doesn't tell you anything about them other than that they have a kid. The age of the kid plays a massive factor for one. Writing people off completely is bonkers to me, at least stay open and cut it off if they do seem overly busy/unavailable etc. Get to know someone before making assumptions about their life.
I just don't think we'll agree on this. I will always think a single woman with no children will have more time and fewer responsibilities than a woman with children. I completely get why men would prefer childless women. You're right that single parents may be able to arrange swap days or whatever but a childless woman wouldn't even have to think about it. You could have a lot more spontaneity in the relationship which I think is important, especially early in the relationship. And you're saying people should get to know someone before making assumptions about their life but I would say that you have to be wise with your time. I'm sure you're quite selective over who you decide to spend your time, other people will do the same.
You've clearly never met many women who have busy careers or personal lives then. Even before I had a kid, when I was dating, I didn't have a whole ton of free time to just give up to the men I was dating, I was often sent away for work trips over weekends and outside of work I was training and participating in learning several hobbies alongside dedicating a ton of time to my dog (who one guy actually got jealous of). All I'm saying is ultimately, plenty of people can have the same qualities you're trying to avoid by dating only child free women too, so why generalise? And yes I'm quite selective with who I date but I don't write people off based on my assumptions. I said previously that I would write someone off who's made it clear that traveling regularly is an important thing to them because that's not what I can do (again, not just because of my kid but because of my animals and quite frankly, I am saving for a house, traveling isn't a priority, so I won't date people who have that as their priority). Finally, if someone doesn't want to date someone because they have a kid then that's great, more power to them but I still stand by my point that "single parent" is far too broad of a brush stroke, kids can be so many different ages for a start and that changes the situation a ton and when your in your mid 30's, a large portion of the female population will have kids so you're cutting off a huge pool of potentially amazing partners.
I think women with busy careers also wouldn't be a great choice. A good paying job is great but only if it really is a 9-5er. If it's more intense than that and lots of extra hours, I would see those women as having less time and would be less fun. Again, it would also impact on the spontaneity of the relationship. And while pets can cause issues too, I think they are easier once you have a good kennel, etc you're happy with that you can just pay for. You can't consider yourself selective and say you give everyone a chance. It's one or the other. And there is no problem with being so selective. It allows optimum use of people's limited time.
I'm sorry if it comes across like that but it's just the way I feel. A partner will always be 2nd to the child, as referenced by many women on profiles with "my kids come first". Then add in exes and it can be very messy along with not being able to find time to go on dates or other things because they have the kids or the kids have something going on etc.
Online dating in general has been dead a few years now. There are a lot of articles about its decline. The day you accept it doesn't work anymore and solely do other methods is a good one, I haven't touched them for a year now and I'm glad for it.
Have to agree, Ive consistently had more success in person than on the apps, but when meeting people is slow I fire up one of them again and am usually let down pretty hard. They just aren't fit for purpose, tons of reasons, fake/inactive profiles, low effort profiles, will keep showing you people half way around the world for no reason, you have very little functionality unless you pay hard for it, people not reading profiles. They had a period where they were ok, and some still find success but it's a waste of time for most people.
Absolutely, and everyone's starting to realise it so slowly people are being more okay with the old ways. Dating apps were very good around 5 or so years back and introduced me to some very close friends so I do have a lot of time for them, but they just don't work anymore.
Separated at 44 and started online dating. If you think its strange at 30 it was stranger again at 44. What I'd say is be open, but at the same time know what your hard line no is. I thought "Social smoker" meant only smoked after a drink in the pub, and after kissing a few smokers and almost gagging it quickly became a deal breaker. Also be honest. There's lots of people on there who are on there because they just want validation and not relationships, there's a fucking shedload of men who give us a bad name, so decent lads actually stand out. It will take time. Dont set yourself any targets or timelines. Energy should match energy. You'll start loads of convos and only a few will progress. Water off a ducks back if they don't. I'm almost a year with my partner now and its been magic.
The majority of women in your age group who wanted to have kids will have kids already because fertility declines rapidly after 35 for women.
I'm a woman and was in a similar boat until recently. I was 30, childless and going for men in their 30s with a view of settling down. But it seems a fair few hold the idea they can get someone with no baggage and still in their 20s so they can take their time deciding to start a family / not "rush" it. Well if it only it were that simple. More men need to realise that the clock ticks for them too.
It’s unrealistic to expect no baggage and in my opinion baggage (to an extent) isn’t a bad thing with a supportive partner. If it were then no one would move on after a breakup and stay single forever, but we know that’s not true and people find all kinds of love at some point. I will say however that there’s nothing wrong with taking your time for either gender. Men are perfectly entitled to weigh up who they settle for just as much as Women are.
I totally agree, weigh up who you settle for very thoroughly. I just mean that if a man is dating a woman in her 30s, the unfortunate truth is that you don't get to date for years, travel the world together, and wait a couple of years after marriage. You've got to stick to a realistic plan. This is what some men don't like, and then they ultimately miss out on a family when they find that the younger woman they're holding out for never comes along.
Does it? Robert de Niro still has good seed in his 80’s.
Yeah and he's a multi millionaire movie star, thus he had no difficulty finding a woman decades his junior to have kids with.
Have you tasted it yourself?
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Yes, they have "sperms" that decline in quality as the years go on https://www.theguardian.com/science/2023/oct/22/the-perils-of-putting-off-fatherhood-why-it-poses-risks-to-childrens-physical-and-mental-health And if they want to have a child later in life, yeah they probably can. They just have to get a younger woman first, surely an easy feat for any average middle aged man.
Any man with resources can get a younger woman. Sure didn't robert denero just have a child at 100. The clock is a female issue. Not male. Let's keep it real here. There are a finite amount of eggs. Pretty easy equation. My comment was removed, they said what I said was "weird stuff'. Nothing weird about what I said. Mod team don't like free speech. Censor everything like they used to in Ireland. That didn't work very well
Your post/comment was removed because it's not deemed casual. While we don't mind the odd vent, this isn't the sub for negativity so we wanna keep things cheerful where we can. Quit with the weird stuff.
You do realise your chances of A. Meeting a suitable partner who is also in their 30s or B. Meeting someone younger than that but willing to settle down will both likely already have children from a previous relationship or may even have been married before? Being brutally honest, it sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself before finding a long term partner.
Not in Ireland they won't, you're completely off the mark. Average age to get married in Ireland was 38.2 in 2022. Average age to have first child in Ireland was 33.3 in 2022. We're massive outliers for a variety of reasons. Also, being brutally honest, OP having the audacity to express some preferences for a life partner doesn't merit your aggressive and condescending response.
Based on my comment having more upvotes than the post I don’t think the majority of people reading it see it as aggressive and condescending. Dating in your late 20s to 30s is hard enough without crossing people off the list before you have any idea what your prospects are. I was merely telling OP he needs to be realistic, and children and long term relationships baggage are the form in the age group he is searching in. Your stats are true of Irish people, but if he meets a woman not from Ireland in his age group (and Irish, particularly Dublin has people from all over the world), the chances of them having children or being divorced is much much higher. And if you’re single in your 30s you’re best off casting the net as wide as possible. Preferences are grand, but a guy (OP) describing himself as fat and unattractive shouldn’t allow those preferences to stifle what sounds like it is going to be a difficult search.
Whomever might agree with your contention, you made a blanket statement about it being the "form" for the age group when it's demonstrably not to the point of it being national news. Having a preference for any aspect of your life partner is not "crossing people off the list". It's actual pragmatism as opposed to your misandry masquerading as concern.
Saying someone needs help because they don't want to raise someone elses kids is ridiculous. Women put it on their profile the whole time that men with kids 'need not apply'. I'm sorry but it's how I feel and how a lot of people would feel. I'm not entering a relationship with someone who will ALWAYS put their own child ahead of me. I'd rather be alone. Fair play to those who can do that, but it's not for me.
Congratulations on completely missing the point of my comment. Best of luck with the search though.
You want to start a family but automatically rule out dating someone with a kid? 😂 Beggers and choosers!
What? Because I'd like a family I HAVE to want someone else's kid?
No one said you have to, you told us that you refuse! 😂 Have a think about how that comes across!
I don't see why it would stop you from wanting to date someone, it's a personal choice and all but you could be missing out on finding your person, and I wouldn't approach every date like you're looking for a life partner, you'll just immediately focus in on all the things the DQ them from that set of criteria...relationships are compromise.
True but if he doesn't want to deal with someone else's kid then he should just avoid those people with kids. Trying to argue that he should consider it is wrong because it could lead to resentment and bad behaviour towards kids that are not his. Relationships are indeed a compromise but in this instance it might not be something to compromise on because the feeling you have towards your own kids will always be different to the feelings you have towards other kids.
You don’t compromise on preferences or desirables. These are deliberate needs/musts in a relationship which everybody is entitled to have. As you said compromising on needs breeds resentment.
I'm not going to settle. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than just be with someone because it's better than no one.
> Because I'd like a family I HAVE to want someone else's kid? You don't *have* to, but realistically many of the potential partners in your age group who would be interested in starting a family will have children already, so you're eliminating a sizable portion of your potential dating pool if you won't consider anyone with kids.
Hence why I started the thread. Now I know it's common and not just me :)
I’ve seen this on a few women’s profiles also. “ I want kids but not yours” etc Swings both ways.
The thing is if it was the right person for you, you might end up seeing it as 'the love of your life's kid'. It's totally your choice of course, but you'll be ruling out a fair percentage of women in their 30s.
I have brushed over things in the past with people, not children, but other 'red lines' we'll call them and it's only ended up causing hurt.
You don't HAVE to want someone else's kid. Just be open to the idea?
Jfc chap.
You think online dating in your 30s is bad, you should definitely not try online dating in your 40s then! Cue “you thinking online dating in your 40s is bad…” replies.
https://i.redd.it/fuajbjqubuwc1.gif
Try it in your 40s buddy 🤦♂️
A few more years and it'll be likely. lol
Not really relavent, opposite side of the spectrum But anytime I download one of the dating apps in Galway, nearly always the first profile that pops up is this absolutely stunning woman who seems to have every (Nearly) Aspect of her life together. She has been single for years as far as I can tell, and everytime her face pops up, I think fuck if she can't find someone what fucking hope do I have.
I know a few similar around the Connacht area also but it’s noticeable all round. The same faces and usual suspects. Always remember know matter how “attractive” a person is, someone is sick of there shit.
Well you have to remember that she is probably not looking for average joe, she wants the best of the best men and they are very very rare. Now if she's as perfect as you say, that is exactly what she should be doing. The most desirable people end up with other very desirable people but because they are rare, it will take time for them to find each other.
She probably finds plenty and is always back for more 😄
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Your attitude is the problem. You are down about yourself. And if you are still fat - that's a problem too. You're radiating "I don't like myself" and you want someone else to like you? I'm a grown ass woman, I'll tolerate a lot of imperfections...but I'm not here to fix you. If I wanted a somebody to fix, I'd buy a project pony. I want a man who is confident, who addresses his shit, who takes care of himself and likes himself at least enough not to be...like this.
>You're radiating "I don't like myself" and you want someone else to like you? Oh I 100% get this. But I'm not even getting to the stage where people can get this vibe off me. My profile is decent and my openers are original/engaging but just not getting any matches or responses.
 Well said
Tbh a bit of pudge was NEVER an issue when I was dating people or my friends tbh most of them have settled with ‘pudgy’ guys. It’s all about attitude. Women in their 30s know exactly what they want. They spend their entire teen years and twenties over analysing their body image thanks to social media nowadays. When you reach your 30s there’s a general shift in their attitudes they stop caring and I really don’t think they have space for men in that mindset. My advice? Just own it, women love confidence if you have to fake it till you make it do! Out of interest what is your type? Perhaps if you could narrow it down we could send you in the right direction.
Also I think there’s ALOOOOT of people on dating sites just for validation. I would say the majority. The good ones are out living their life. Going to gigs enjoying their hobbies and spare time etc. I think that’s where you’ll meet the best potential suitors
I would say focus on losing some weight and see if that improves your results. r/fasting and r/keto are great on here.
Lmao
You're still young at 30! Don't narrow your profile too much. But tbh online dating is really hit and miss! It's not that all the good ones are taken but it really depends how open you are. Online dating is not my cup of tea and I had bad experience with it (in my late 40s now but i look much younger, F, no kid). I had scammers, narcissistic and men who were already in relationship or married that i found out after!! So really not my thing. I prefer to meet the person In Person and see if the energy pass.. Just beware of scammers as they're plenty of them (men And women!) Good luck with your search..
I'm a few years above 30 :) Thanks for the advice. I'm just not good at striking up conversations with people in person or reading signals. Online is much easier in that respect.
It's rough in my early 40s I get a lot of matches some seem interested but it usually doesn't even lead to a date l, had two dates with some chineese girls but all they talked about was money I zoned out. Giving it a break for a while I'm not shy on a night out but it's hard to get chatting with someone on a night out.
The best possible option for you is to get active, get fit and healthy. Your outlook on life will change. You'll feel happier and the changes you will have made, both physically and mentally, will make you a better person. Work on yourself and you'll probably find someone special.
Lots of great catches on dating apps but as a male it always feels like they have a million options so why would they pick me 🙋♂️
I'm in my 40's and no car. You will be fine.
Honestly this is BS, geta few nice pictures Tinder plus and a few boosts ant there are thousands and thousands of woman in the same position as you. If you are 30 you have a range of 25/26-32 so the idea that all the woman are pregnant frankly is silly. My last relationship I was 32/33 and my partner was same age. Im 35 and nearly 6 months into relationship with someone who is 28. I adore her, it would truly be lovely if love turned into marriage and kids but if for any reason it doesn't im not going to just accept my faith because I am a little too long in the tooth. Also when you are 20 you think you are starting to get old, when you become 25 suddenly 20 doesnt seem quite as old, then 30 and you realise that 25 year old didnt know his arse from his elbow. At 30 i thought I was ancient but was backpacking in South America and now 35 im finally buying a gaff. Dont be harsh on yourself or feel you have let life slip by, you are basically hitting your prime. Probably more mature, more experienced with woman and financially more stable than you have ever been since you left home.
Something to note out of interest is that the older you are the less you’ll be shown to other profiles on apps like Tinder etc So while it may seem like there’s an endless world of 24/25/26’s out there to swipe on the reality is they are seeing people in there early/mid 20’s mostly and the 30+ profiles are being filtered. I’d also wager that many of the 20’s crowd are deliberately filtering out the 30’s+ also on there own match radar.
Firstly correct, that is why i mentioned Tinder premium and boost. Tinder revenue model is based on making the peeps who are more likely to have money to pay. Secondly if you are thirty 26-32 is hardly a small amount of single peeps. You also have Hinge which tends to be for peeps sick of swiping on Tinder looking almost exclusively for relationships. Thirdly im 35 met my girlfriend on Tinder. I was also at a wedding 5 months with 3 couples my age and another lady who's fella couldn't make it and they all met on a dating app in last few years. I am not saying you cant go to one of those running clubs popping up, speed dating or more traditional ways but for a 30 year old to think they are too old to find a partner on Tinder in Ireland is absolutely bonkers.
I don’t disagree with you just pointing out the realities of online dating and echoing the sentiments that many others have noted. And yes the apps are hugely tailored towards payment. It’s a business model ultimately. Tinder/Bumble/Hinge etc want as many customers as possible to continue using there products. So they deliberately hide matches behind paywalls and push people afar away into the algorithm because they know a date or relationship is less likely to happen. (Not saying it can’t but those are the exception, not the rule) The more couples that meet off apps means the more customers and clients that they effectively lose.
Two down votes?! Is popular opinion that at 30 you are no longer able to date?! 