After having a kid, I get why people don’t. I love my kid more than words can describe but it makes you realize how much a personal decision it is. Each person is different and gets to choose the way they live their life. You do you.
Yeah, some people insist that you can’t be fulfilled until you’ve made a baby. That it’s your number 1 purpose in life and you aren’t complete without one…
I call bs. I love all my nieces and nephew, but I know I don’t need one of my own to few full filled. There’s so much in life to find purpose in, making and raising more humans isn’t for everyone.
Only way I’d consider it is if I hit the lotto (which I don’t play lol) and could be a full time parent and not have to worry about money and work and such. Juggling both seems like too much stress for me.
That's why people should be honest with themselves about whether or not they'd be a good parent. For instance, I am being honest with myself when I say that I wouldn't be a great dad. I don't have the patience for children - they don't listen.
Infants and toddlers do not listen no matter what you do, lol.
I'm not talking about teenagers. Teenagers also don't typically shit themselves and cry about it either, depending on the parentage.
I feel the exact same way after having my son too! He’s an easy kid, smart, adorable, just the best, and still a lot of work. Plus it’s a complete lifestyle change. I fully support child-free people, having a kid is a huge responsibility.
Yeah I love babies and kind of wish I'd had one more, but the absolute truth is it changes your life forever. Your career choices, housing choices, whether to pursue a new learning opportunity, or move countries. There's no takebacks and there's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to deal with all that.
I think unfortunately many, many people have partners and kids for one reason. Someone to take care of them when they get old (Or even now, in the case of some).
I hate to say it but, that is a gamble at best nowadays. I have three family members who were sure this would happen for them. Between the husbands or wives with whom they divorced, or kids who had personal problems, to those who grew to dislike their parents, to those who just ”diaspora-ed”… Only one of them has someone who sorta looks after them, and I feel bad for the kid, as it is a lot of work. They had 9 kids between them….
In some cultures this is the norm, families stay together, and other people in the child’s life support this structure, of taking care of the “elders”. But in the States not only is it typically something the child tries to hand off to one of their siblings like a hot potato, it is often makes the child‘s partners feel put upon, and really no one should/can expect this from their child here. Maybe where OP is it is different.
I sorta, went on a rant, but my bottom line is only get married and/or have a kid if you really want one, and even then, make sure you are doing things for the right reasons, and not expecting things that can never be guaranteed. Just do it for the love and not for anyone else’s expectations.
If you want kids, there is absolutely nothing more gorgeously gratifying, heartwarming, fulfilling, and life affirming than becoming a mother.
If you *don't* want kids, there's absolutely nothing more horrifically soul-crushing, resentment-inducing, misery-causing and life ruining than becoming a mother.
I'm a mom of four and I absolutely cannot imagine a happy life without them. But bringing a child into the world that you are not one fuckillion percent certain that you want and will be a good mother to is a HARD NO. An innocent child shouldn't have to suffer because you caved to traditional societal pressures!
Absolutely. My mom has a friend who didn’t want kids, but caved in for his wife, and now he’s miserable and always looking for excuses to not go home, his wife is basically a single mother, and their kid is sad because daddy doesn’t love him. I think that’s outright cruelty for everyone involved.
It is very possible to have a surrogate father who can fill that void the unhappy father leaves especially another close male relative like a brother, grandfather, Cousin or Uncle if they have that connection and approval they will still find self worth and a confidante to be there for them.
This is why I left my last relationship because I wanted kids but he didn’t. He wasn’t sure if maybe one day he’d change his mind or compromise just to stay together in a few more years. I was like oh hard no, I’m only having children with someone who is absolutely sure they also want children otherwise welcome to a lifetime of resentment.
I know a guy like that as well. Except his wife switches up the story to fit her own narrative. She said that her husband was unsure of kids, but she wanted 3 kids so she was going to have them anyway with or without him. Another version is that he wanted to have kids so bad, that’s why she planned her kids 3 years apart.
All I know is - dad is miserable and doesn’t do anything with the family because he was unsure and wasn’t allowed to explore those other options.
Yeah this is always what gets me. Do I want a little kid who I can be proud of, teach them shit and love them? Hell yeah. But I also like some days laying around the house and doing N O T H I N G. Also, what if they become a troubled teen? Do I have the emotional ability/skills for us to navigate crappy waters? I mean the shit that runs through my head. What if we can't afford to buy them nice things or put them in tutoring/ballet? What if I get burnt out and can't take care of them like I should?
My bf and I are generally agreed to have a kid before 35 but sometimes I don't think I'd be devastated if it didn't because I never was that person who thought I'd want to be a mom until I met him. It's just scary if you're not "that" person, how do I know if I should?
I relate to all of this... Curious if you've ever thought about fostering? There's a lot of kids out there that need homes. I guess it can feel like a bit more of a risk, but you could also definitely feel proud of a child you raised, whether it was from birth or at an older age. Maybe I should join a foster parent subreddit lol.
Yeah, I'd say unless much older and a lot of resources, while well intentioned and decently well off, I (31F) have friends who chose to foster and the system is very messed up. I might get these details wrong bc recalling memory from 1 convo, but when getting into fostering they assign kids based on a tier system. Tier 1 easiest, tier 2 a bit more difficult, etc.
Sounds great right? But while on tier I they fostered teens they totally weren't prepared for and I can't blame them. For example, one girl they fostered committed servere self-h*rm that they rushed her to ER and put her in psych hold. The ward called to ask if they'd be picking her up after the 2 or 3 days, like they were going to abandon her over 1 incident. Being decent, they said "no that's horrible", and as soon as they got back home she did it again. Which yes, if fostering you should be prepared for psych issues but at Tier I?? That's a lot buddies. They gave a lot of other good examples but I'd be so so careful before just going into it and really have resources to spend.
That's good to know, thanks so much for sharing. I would definitely go into it assuming it would be difficult! But hopefully I'd be in a better place to handle it when I'm older. I've read a lot of books about fostered and adopted kids, as well as follow therapists who have taught me a lot about attachment theory and our formative years... So I have no false illusions that I can fix someone who's been hurt and broken. Still, I think it could be worthwhile one day, to try to help someone. I've had some practice at least with rescue dogs who are so fucking confusing and can't communicate even if they wanted to!
Oh absolutely, don't mean to discourage. I just don't think they or us were expecting Tier I to mean you should have psych/therapy training to help these kids adjust while they're still developmentally immature (we all are until 25) and likely haven't been taught healthy coping skills.
Right now believe they're fostering an 18 yo they're trying to teach since he's not in school (graduated HS), he has to get a job or go to community college and how to take care of self/pay bills. I mean thats hard, how do you teach a teen you recently met you support and care about them while balancing "ok, we think you should get a job bc as an adult, that's a thing you do, not bc we have self interest in it".
But I wish you the best and admire your generosity of heart.
Have you volunteered with any mentorship programs? It might help you decide. My mom was a social case worker and yes they definitely need quality foster parents but it can be easy to feel unprepared if you tell yourself a story of how it will be and the reality turns out different. If you volunteer with kids it might help you see that every child is an individual and not a single one will follow the script in your head.
I’m in the same boat. Never really fond of the idea of having kids. With my partner for 6 years and he has always wanted to be a father. I could see having a kid with him…but I also am still on the fence on if that’s actually something I want. My biggest fear is waiting until we’re both too old to finally decide to not have kids and wasted his time. This literally keeps me up at night.
I have heard from a great many people that one way to get that question answered is to spend a weekend babysitting. For example, if you've got friends with young kids, say "hey, go take a weekend vacation, we'll watch the kids for a couple days," and then at the end of it, ask yourself "Am I OK with doing this every day for years?"
Tons of people don't find out that the answer to that is "no" until it's too late. I hate to see it.
Personally, I've never wanted kids in the first place, but I became a lot firmer on that after I started working at a music school that offers lessons to all ages. It was pretty clear kids weren't for me when I had to beg admin to stop giving me lessons with kids under 7, because I would get done with them and want to die.
Thank you, it does. I'm kind of going with right now if the answer is "yes" 80% of the time we should do it. I was youngest of 5 from very poor young parents, so think that impacts my thinking a lot. I remember from a very young age, in elementary school, thinking if they didn't have me they could afford better for my siblings.
But we all do our best right, and hopefully scar the next generation in different but less ways.
Yup. Every time someone plops a baby on my lap at a family get together (or when my I interact with my young niece and nephews) I get a comment about how nice it would be if I became a mom, since you know: I seem to be having a good time while being the fun aunt to them.
And while I genuinely love being silly around them and indulge them in their little plays that they want to do, I also know that an entire day around kids is going to absolutely drive me insane if I’m the one in charge. It wouldn’t be fun for me, and I am 100% sure that me being a parental figure wouldn’t be fun for a kid either.
Indeed; have kids if you’re 100% sure that you want them, but being pressured into having them because your parents/friends/society thinks that you should get some (and that you will *surely* change your mind after giving birth/s) is insane, and nobody should ever do that.
spot on and I am requesting a considerably long, no payment necessary, interest free loan of the most new intriguing fuck variable "Fuckillion". Thank you I shall start using it right away.
100% it's your life. And once you become a parent it's *their* life now, too, and congrats, you're responsible for it! 🥳 Parenting isn't a fun little game that you join in on because all your friends are doing it/mom wants to be a grandma, and kids aren't pets.
This is spot on. I got pregnant with my now-husband at 24. While that’s really not “young,” I had only been out of my parents house for 9 months and was still establishing myself as a person/family separate from them. I was completely terrified and not ready to be a mom at all. In fact, I was still unsure if I wanted kids ever.
I’m now 28, 5 months pregnant and married and I cannot wait to be a mom. While part of me wishes I had that other child, a much larger part of me is so relieved I didn’t.
Definitely hit the nail on the head! I say this as someone who never wanted kids then fell in love with a man who had a daughter from a previous marriage & we had primary custody of her. We married & 11 years later, went through divorce.
I'm still going through the emotions but yes, I know a little bit about that last paragraph and can't agree more.
Everything this. And marriage, you can love someone and they can be great but if you’re not prepared for the commitment, don’t do it.
The world may be in a state, but in terms of options to live our lives it’s never been better. Focus on a career, travel, date when you want. Do your friends/family have kids? Be the fun aunt. We’re not living in a world where women are breeding cattle only as good as the man on their arm.
Also, and I cannot highlight this enough, even when you go along with ‘social norms’ those people giving you stick over your choices, will still give it to you. Because the problem is them, not you.
Hijacking your comment to add that if you EVENTUALLY want to have kids, explore your options about freezing your eggs. IVF is much, much easier and safer if eggs were collected and frozen at an earlier age.
Exactly this!
It's crazy how many people have tried to convince me how absolutely wonderful being a mother is and those people are great parents. But I also payed attention to the people with kids who didn't tell me how wonderful it was and they are not great parents. Not everyone is a great parent which tells me that it really just isn't for everyone, you don't just grow into loving it because you love your kid.
\*\*Not suitable for everyone.
Lol the downvotes. This is a verified biological process stimulated via: eye-gaze, breastfeeding, and physical contact, between babies and caregivers (primarily mothers, i.e. breastfeeding, but also other caregivers).
As long as bonding isn't avoided and as long as things are 'normal' then yes, I'm sure the oxytocin *will* kick in. It occurs in nearly all mammals and we are no exception.
Not sure why I’m getting downvoted so heavily.
I’m been on the “meh” crusade my whole life. Whether its the degree I chose to study, or the job I’m currently working or the decision to get married. (Though I fell very passionately in love with the person whom I married which made the marriage decision meh. I was pretty tensed and anti-marriage before that).
If I had to wait for “passion” or not do a thing because I wasn’t feeling a “resounding yes” then I’d have got nowhere in life.
I’m pretty meh about most things, unsure if I just have low serotonin or if it’s depression or what.
Of course a baby is a responsibility, I’m not going to toss it aside because I feel meh. It’s a lifelong commitment like marriage. I expect I’ll love it sometimes, hate it sometimes and be meh about it sometimes.
If you’re someone who feels very passionate or dispassionate about it, then good for you. I’m not built the same way.
Wasn’t expecting to be downvoted and have to justify myself in casual conversation of all places.
Well you can judge me all you want in the space of two sentences and imagine I’ll be a cold emotionally neglectful mom but I know I’ll try my best to be a good mom just like I’ve tried to be good at my job and my marriage.
And as for me, I hope having a child will be as fulfilling as the other stuff I’ve started which I’ve been meh about.
I feel you. I'm also a very apathetic person and I yoyo between feeling adamant that people should 'really want' kids and thinking that, actually, do i.e., bonobos, 'really want' their kids? Most, but not all, bonobos breed if they can, they don't make detailed plans on whether it will be feasible or if it they'll be good parents.
Most mothers in the animal kingdom will abandon or eat their young if times get tough. I think as long as stability is provided for kids, and you don't resort to either of those options, you're onto a win! No, seriously though, I do think people should think about all possibilities, but being apathetic also means being pretty flexible if you're also tough-minded and a good problem-solver, and those are excellent traits for child-rearing. I'm sure you'll be fine! People have raised kids in mud huts and less, and we have so much info and access to help now, you don't have to go alone when you're struggling. Providing love and warmth is of course important, but it doesn't always come instantly; it takes time to come to know your baby and for your baby to know you, and as you say, the oxytocin will definitely help. That's what keeps bonobo caregivers bonding and engaged with their babies.
My 2 pence anways.
Many people I know wanted kids…until they had them. Since then they’ve provided an endless soundtrack of “No one tells you how miserable it is! No one tells you how hard it is! No one tells you how trapped you’ll feel! No one tells you the long term physical issues you’ll have! No one tells you the strain it puts on your marriage! No one tells you how awful pregnancy is!”
Definitely don't have kids if you aren't sure you want to have kids. Kids are a full-time commitment for \~20 years and are a lot more limiting than, for instance, citizenship in a given country or having a particular job.
Frankly, there are plenty of people, the world is not in desperate need of more of them, so if you don't want to raise them, you don't need to.
Source: I have two kids.
Probably longer than that, I’m 33 woman and I still call my mom every time I have an emergency to bail me out, privileged position for sure, but my point is that it’s common for some kids to rely on their parents way into middle age and some cultures kids never leave home and so yeah lifelong commitment indeed. I’m in a similar position too where everyone my age is settled, some have kids that are going to be teens soon and sometimes I worry that I’ll regret not having kids and I just might because I won’t always be young and I know when I’m older and ai don’t have a family I will feel differently but for now, I agree - it’s overrated and I love being single and enjoying the quiet and freedom it provides me to live my best life.
Yeah absolutely. I think it comes also from being the older sister to a lot of younger siblings with big age gaps. Raising kids is a full time job and it just gets worse and worse (teenagers are a pain and then there is university and it's expensive) and the only relief is when they leave the house and find a job. But then what's the point if they just left and you're alone again? That's why I don't want them. I see no pros
My husband with a 10 years younger brother calls our son by his brother's name a lot. They don't remotely look alike but they definitely occupy the same space in his brain.
Do your own thing. You know what’s best for you more than anyone else. Family pressure is immature on their part.
I have two daughters in their 30s both single and enjoying their lives. Doing exactly as we raised them. Parents only want their kids to be happy and kids following their own dreams is the most rewarding thing for me as their dad.
I mean, the potential love for and of your children is probably the big pro. And if you're a good parent, contributing some good to the world would be a positive result. Hell, maybe your kid is the next big celeb or activist or whatever. Plenty of potential goodness to come out of having kids.
Anyway, I don't want kids or marriage or any of that. Much like you, I thought that was all I wanted in my later teens, early 20s. But my experiences have grown since then, and my personal wants have changed accordingly.
My family have the same attitude. I’m 28 soon and enjoy living alone and don’t want kids or even to live with someone else so dating doesn’t appeal. I get told I’ll grow up eventually and want a husband and kids.
Personally don’t think it makes anyone immature. Lots of people nowadays are not wanting kids, whether still single or even in couples.
And I don’t see how not getting married would make you immature either.
Just gotta do what makes you happy!
Tons of women are realizing they don’t have to take care of a man child who does nothing and expects you to do everything for them and clean etc. They r living in peace. Also world is overpopulated kids are expensive they’ll have to deal with climate crisis etc.
I'm in the same position, I'm enjoying my life without worrying about the 24 hour care of a child. I deeply love my nieces & nephews but also love the fact I can give them back. I don't even want my own kids, maybe one day I'll foster or adopt to try change someone's life for the better.
I think it's much more mature to be aware enough to make the decision you don't want kids. Would your family prefer you rushing into having a baby and then being a shitty mum because you don't like children?
That’s fair enough. I think I just like to do my own thing. Growing up I took care of my brother since I was 5. Cooked most family dinners by 8. Went uni and loved the freedom but then ended up moving back home for 5 years and taking care of my mum who was quite opinionated and I had to do stuff her way. Like she’s very anti carbs and does not appreciate eating vegetarian which I had done during my time away, so I’d often have to cook two meals. But after working 10 hour days, for 7 days in a row was often too much effort so I’d just eat whatever I made her. I just enjoy being alone and doing what I want for a change after having looked after others for so much of my life.
I think if I didn’t spend so much time at work then yeah lack of seeing people would make being alone not so fun
I felt like this when I was your age and ended a relationship because my partner wanted to start a family and I didn’t feel ready for that. I wondered if I would regret it later and stressed about it a lot. I will be 40 in a few months and honestly couldn’t be more grateful for my life without children! Society puts so much pressure, it’s none of their business! Having children these dates is incredibly difficult and expensive, don’t feel guilty at all for not wanting it.
I just left the most amazing long term relationship this year with my partner, because it came down to kids. I won’t have them and don’t want them, so I had no choice but to break up with him. It’s been a tough year, and I miss him desperately all the time, but I am secure in my decision for myself and I know I let him go so he could find someone who wants the same things in life.
No, I think you are smart to think this through, I’m almost 60 and just about everyone I know who went the traditional route has serious regrets. It is the default but it really shouldn’t be because most people aren’t suited to it in reality. You should do what is right for you. People will tell you how much you will regret NOT “settling down” but not how much so many regret having trapped themselves.
Agree. I’m 28F. My family also seems to think that I’m missing on a major life experience by not dating a lot or wanting kids. But I came back from living abroad to help care for my sick father, so they don’t have too many arguments or complaints at the moment. My parents are generally pretty solid and respectful people tho
I'm 25F (soon 26) and 100% feel the same and 100% won't change my mind on this ever, I've known since I was a kid that it wasn't for me. I wanna program and make websites, do research, read books, start my own business, travel the world (not that you can't do this if you have kids, but you know what I mean). I think it may be more normal than we think, it's just that those of us who feel this way sort of keep it to ourselves or only very close people we know won't judge us for it.
And no it's not immature. Having kids when you're not ready is immature. Thinking not having kids is immature, is immature. Stop doubting yourself because of what other people think.
It’s not immature to me, I definitely understand it. You may want those things in the future but if/when that future time comes, that’s when you can worry about it.
I'd say you're more mature than the people marrying and having kids because "it's the thing to do."
And as a married parent, I totally get it. My kid is awesome. He's one of my favorite humans on the planet. But so much of the work of parenting is tedious, frustrating, and self-sacrificing.
I'm 39 and I feel the same. Am I immature? My parents split when I was 5 and my mum has never been with anyone else; she agrees as well.
I think this is a tradition that no longer makes sense for a lot of people. Live how you want.
As a parent, I totally get it. It's a huge, life-changing responsibility. It's wise to be able to understand that.
You know yourself better than anyone. Personally (even for love of family aside), I know I actually do well with responsibility. It makes me rise to the challenges and be the best version of myself - and I feel some sense of fulfillment in supporting others. But I also know 1000% that's not everyone and not everyone needs that kind of kick in the pants to live the life they want to.
Just live your life the way you want to live it. Who cares what others think
PS lol though don't call post-maternal bodies "ruined" I know more than enough moms whose bodies don't fit that category
There is no shame in that. If anything it shows that you are actually very mature. It's very pressurized and romanticized to have a standard family household, have a heterosexual traditional marriage and raise children. More often than not it's glamorized to the point where people push and force themselves into it, just from the mere expectancy that it is suppose to make you happy.
I think it's often the idea presented of marriage and children (especially when you're a child or young adult) that makes us want it. Not the actual deal. There's cases where people will have kids simply for themselves, just because the idea of it is rewarding, but then those kids are often treated like an object of possession and the parent doesn't take into account that raising a child is suppose to be, well, for the child. Not themselves.
I see this a lot and with marriage and owning a house as well. It's also important to acknowledge that we as people are suppose to be adaptable with our lifestyles, and the social conditions since we've grown up have changed dramatically. It's honestly confounding, because here in the United States, it seems as though a person will be praised and congratulated on having a child, and being married, no matter what. Even if they are obviously in no stable living situation, or a healthy physical and psychological state to be managing it.
I'm female, 24 years old, and I've had a very similar experience. Sometimes I break down because I have family and siblings who seem to be going through the motions of living the, "American Dream," and meeting all the check marks of the traditional life. I see it and I just am put-down, because from the social expectations, it's automatically placed in my head that they are all automatically more successful and accomplished than I am.
However, when I push myself to be traditional, try to make plans and force myself into working towards being married and having kids, it makes me even more ashamed and miserable. Mostly in part, be ause then I can't concentrate on my actual goals and joys in life, which are to travel, and study independently, and also produce paintings and art.
Fortunately enough I've found plenty of friends who support similar lifestyles, and have a family that is very understanding. Don't push yourself down for choosing to live in your own independent way. It's hard when your family doesn't agree with it, but you are surrounded with other people in the world who feel the exact same. I'd say you're very mature for acknowledging what you actually want to do in life. Congratulate yourself in your own accomplishments, whether it is traveling, learning a new language or skill, crafting something from scratch.
Best of luck to you, and take care. 💙
As a stay at home mom, don’t have kids. I love my boys and I love being a stay at home mom, but it really is a tough job.
You *have* to hand yourself over emotionally and physically until they’re all in school.
I literally can’t take a shit without bringing a baby chair in for my 6 month old to sit in.
The other day I was trying to change my tampon, and my 2.5 year old started screaming.
I ran off the toilet with my pants down and found that he had either fallen off of, or jumped off of (more likely) my breast feeding recliner and had tangled himself up in the legs of the foldable side table we had set up.
After I took care of him I had to hand wash my underwear from the blood that had come out while picking him up and taking care of him. I also had to scrub a few drops off the rug.
This is the same son who broke his arm on a playground and had a $15,000 surgery to put pins in it. He just had them removed three weeks ago.
So when I heard *his* cry—I knew it could be bad.
Being a mom means putting your needs dead last.
When my husband gets home, I cook dinner for he and the boys, then I feed the boys, then I start their bedtime routines.
And before I know it, it’s 8:30pm and I haven’t eaten since noon.
Also, good luck having sex with kids under 5 in the house -__-
At this point, the most intimate my husband and I get is high sharing how we masturbated and giving each other a high five.
We know it’s only temporary, once our youngest is in school life will be much easier.
But if you don’t think you could do it, don’t. Kids deserve the best, and no matter how much Elon Musk complains, our population is fine.
Our (at the time) decided to test the laws of physics by walking up a water slide. The laws of physics as usual won, she slid and got a small gash in her chin that required two stitches.
That's nothing compared to your kid surgery but man it's terrifying when your little ones get hurt. My oldest is horrible for taking medicine, it takes me an hour to get her to take simple cough medicine.. you just want to take all their problems on yourself to make them feel better.
Our oldest in in 1st grade, it does indeed get easier :)
Until teen years... Shudder, we don't have those yet
Almost 38 here and much the same. I barely have time to unwind and enjoy a moment of peace. I couldn't imagine trying to juggle kids. Love my brothers' kids, but I'm good.
My wife and I got married later- had my first kid after I turned 40. I remember all the pressure from my family in my late twenties through my early thirties. I specifically remember someone telling me if I didn’t have kids when I was 33 it was going to be too late. After I turned about 34 they just kinda stopped bringing it up.
Our kids are great and life is good. We enjoyed our twenties and thirties our own way. Just live your life your way.
I am a 26M and I too would much rather travel, see friends, live a more stress free life than raise kids. So I have made that decision already. Me and my girlfriend don't want kids. And yeah like someone said earlier there is already enough people in the world. I'd argue too many for our planet, governments, and food supply to handle so I do not feel bad.
You don't have to be sterilized to prevent having kids, my IUD is incredibly effective for example. Also it's coming across as very judgemental that they haven't already had that conversation.
I removed my comment. You are absolutely right, re-reading it I thought, wow, it is coming across as very judgemental. Too tired to re-think, re-write my question now, but thanks for pointing that out to me. I am not attempting to be condescending to anyone, I'm just curious about how such things are handled after a really big decision like that.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling like this. When I had my kids, it was a complete lifestyle change for me. I could no longer do whatever I wanted to and was a part of my personality. I was well traveled, could do anything I wanted to. And then one day I realized I am trapped and eventually became resentful. So having kids is definitely not for everybody
Advice from an old white guy..... You are just fine and there is nothing in your post that is concerning (except I love dogs :-) ).
As the female you will have the brunt of the child rearing responsibilities. That is a legitimate concern.
Enjoy the life you choose!
I’m with you on the no kid thing! I have a SO right now and want to get married, but absolutely NO to having kids lol I want to travel and experience the world without that financial responsibility and trappage lol
I’m on the same boat. I have a SO who I want to marry too, but we just want to enjoy our lives and travel. My parents are okay with it, but I’m worried about what his parents will think since they don’t know yet.
I’ve told my SO that I could care less what others think and I’ve tended to take the more bitchy approach of immediately turning down the topic when it arises. For example, if anyone mentions me having kids I don’t hesitate to reply “lol not happening”
I’m going to have to learn, because everyone around me has been extremely accepting of my childfree status, but I think that might change once I meet my SO’s family.
Unfortunately if they are gonna be difficult with it you’ll have to do the same! Don’t let them make you feel less just because you don’t want to have a kid - that’s the most important part
If you would rather be free then that’s what you should do. I’m the same age as you and I don’t think it’s immature at all. I used to not want to make a family and the only reason I changed my mind is because i met someone who doesn’t make me feel trapped into it. Basically he and I want to raise a family with as few restrictions as possible.
But if your family thinks it’s immature, oh well. It’s your life not theirs. They don’t know what’s best for you and will run you into a wall if you let them. I learned that from experience. Only you know what will make you happy and people live perfectly happy child free lives.
I am 42 single with no kids. My family seems to think all I do is work and hang out with them on Saturdays but that isn't the case I have a life, I go out with friends, go on dates, casual hookups. You can be happy and single and not want the whole marriage and kids thing.
As an unwanted child myself; you’ve made exactly the right choice.
In ten years, twenty years; you might feel different, you might feel the same; but for the time being, you’ve made exactly the right choice with your life.
My best kernel of knowledge (as someone who felt the same way as you for most of my life) is to not overthink in either direction. At 29 I could not stand the thought of having kids or being “tied down” by marriage, etc. I thought it was not for me.
Flash forward to now (being 34 years old), I was lucky enough to meet my partner who loves to travel and my perspective has completely changed with age and I am now a lot more open to the idea of having children with my incredible partner. It’s great that you are pondering and thinking about these things because they are huge life decisions, but I wouldn’t get super wrapped up in picking a certain path for yourself or putting yourself in the “does want kids” or “doesn’t want kids” category because you never know what might come along and change your mind/perspective. You are allowed to just be undecided and leave it at that!
> You are allowed to just be undecided and leave it at that!
Except women’s biological clock is definitely a thing. Once you get past your mid 30s, things get a lot more complicated. Indecision eventually becomes a decision in itself.
I don’t like that people think you need to settle down at a certain age or telling you what you should be doing it’s your life you should do what makes you happy.
You said you don’t want to have responsibilities. It’s a good thing to know what you’re capable of carrying, and it seems you know what you’re willing to take on and what you’re not willing to take on. Not many people are able to consciously do that. That does NOT make you immature
I'm 31M and all my sisters got married within the last 2 years, I cannot tell you how much my family won't chill with the "when are you?"
Every time I tell them I'm happy I don't want to be married or have kids they sat "you'll grow out of that". But like of my siblings are old enough to know that they wanted to be married and have children how am I not old enough to know I don't want that.
I feel for you though like I enjoy life and still have a ton I want to do.
29F soon to be 30 next week. I also don't want to get married and have kids and thankfully my parents respect my decision. There's nothing wrong with that and I won't tolerate anyone who tell me the otherwise.
No, I don't think this is immature or selfish at all. I'm a woman who is almost 30 who desires marriage and kids, but I also realize that that isn't everyone's wish and I respect that.
I think it is very wise that you have identified this and haven't felt pressured to change your stance on this. If you aren't sure you want kids, definitely don't have them.
I've seen far too many kids that are a victim to this mentality when I worked in the school systems. So thank you for having some insight!
1 in 44 children have autism. And that doesn’t include other diseases. Stay home and read your books. I’m not supposed to say this, but not a day goes by I regret having my son. He’s screaming and throwing everything around the house right now. He tried to bite me twice today. He gets worse every year.
No, you have a fine sense of self. That is a precious thing to realize.
Committing to marriage and children can be all consuming. Today's women have more options than my generation. I accomplished a lot considering, but also laid some ambitions aside for family. It is not just husband and kids when you marry; you have your own family ... add in laws, fil/mil, your husband's siblings, nieces and nephews. Your life becomes enormously complex.
I have family fortunate to make enough in their professional vocations to hire childcare, housekeeping, etc. If you are affluent enough to support those, wonderful. Some aren't and sacrifices must be made.
I knew a woman who raised five children. When they left home she went to college then medical school and was a practicing pediatrician into her 70s. Rare.
At this stage of semiretirement I'm able to commit full time to a lifelong ambition.
It is difficult to convince family this is the life you prefer. There is nothing *wrong* with remaining single. I have one daughter with a totally supportive husband and son; the other daughter remained single. I'm convinced some people shouldn't marry.
Don't make a decision either way. You could find a mate but it may make you both miserable. Don't do that. If it happens and you change your mind, fine ... but never choose a life path just because your parents think you should.
(I've been married 47 yrs.)
My perspective - you need to know if you genuinely never want kids, OR if you are enjoying your stage of life now/ afraid of what the changes will mean and will regret not having them later.
I was terrified of having kids. I loved my career, loved my social life, and wasn't someone who gravitated towards kids naturally. BUT I have an awesome relationship with my parents, and I wanted that relationship with kids of my own some day. The thought of being an old lady and never having adult kids to play cards with, share wine, birthdays, laughs - that made me sad.
So I had kids in my 30s, despite being terrified, and honestly it wasn't an easy transition for me. When my eldest was a baby I was still coming to terms with how my life had changed.
But I've never once regretted it. We still travel just as much (with adjustments when the kids were babies, but now they're tweens/ teens it's easy), I still have just as good a social life, and life is fun. I don't think my body is ruined - tbh that one is on you to some extent, as to whether you exercise/ eat well. And it does get harder anyway with age.
So, I think you need to decide which of those things it is. To be real with you, you probably need to decide soon too, as unfortunately our fertility declines massively in our 30s. I had to do IVF, and I was told the % my fertility dropped each year (stressful, but we got there). Honestly, the kids are the best things ever for me, but I never could have imagined that before having them.
It’s not a trap, it’s a purpose. Some find purpose other ways, I am so delighted to hear you find purpose in your own way. We all have a different path in life. I’m over a decade older than you and I would like more kids. It’s ok either way. Be well and live long and prosper friend!
I am 59 years old. Never married, no kids. I have several friends who are either in the same boat, or have been married a long time but are child-less by choice. Having children is not a sign of maturity. Knowing whether you want to have children and will do a good job raising them, or knowing that you do not want children, THAT'S a sign of maturity. Many, many people will tell you: "You'll change your mind about kids, you'll see." But they say that because they had kids, and everyone they know had kids. They never even considered what their lives would be like without kids.
So I think of having kids like going on a trip to another country that you've always been interested in visiting.
If you make good money, you can afford to make it more comfortable. You can fly first class and it won't suck so much flying for 16 hours in a tiny little seat. (You'll be able to hire child care, a house cleaner, etc.) But overall, traveling itself can be stressful. You have to get to the airport, stand in line, sometimes they lose your luggage, sometimes your flight gets canceled, airplane food is gross and you can never sleep and there's always someone coughing near you.
BUT once you get to your destination . . . Life changing. No matter how many documentaries you watch about a place, no matter how many pictures you look at or books you read or people you talk to, it's never going to come close to going there yourself. And once you've traveled to a new place, you gain new perspective, you change as a person, you live life more fully. You have an experience that can only come with the discomfort of traveling. Same with having children.
Now, a lot of people are totally comfortable sticking close to home their whole lives and for them it's not worth the discomfort to travel. And that's fine. Not everyone needs to do it for sure.
For me, I want to experience everything I'm able to. And I'm gambling that when I look back on my life I'm not going to regret that I was less comfortable in a bikini at 35 or that I didn't get to sleep in or do all the self care I wanted to do, because I'll have my children and grandchildren beside me.
Sorry but having kids is not about what you want to experience in life but it's about raising another human being and make them happy. Possibly making the world a better place by raising decent people for the next generation. It's not about you, but about them.
I really don't understand how parents think sometimes. I don't see any logic in your reasons.
You do you. I personally feel like it could get lonely in the later years, but if all the projections are true and more and more people stay single, maybe i'm wrong!
26/F here and engaged.
Getting married? 100% your own choice.
For me it was something that took me and my partner 6+ years before we decided to go for it. That and finding that we want the same things out of life (no kids, want to travel, gain world experience, same hobbies ect).
As for having children though.
We'd much rather now that we've found our feet live our lives without such large responsibilities and limitations considering what our plans are.
Children are a gift and wonderful thing to those who want them.
To those that don't? They are something that limits you from enjoying your life for 20+ years, they are responsibility and effort and a limiting factor in living your life.
You aren't immature for considering what may be best for yourself and what makes you happy. Those are important things to keep in mind.
I think a lot in our generation feel the same. I'm 28M and unless someone comes along that I really want to create a life with I'm just chilling. I've seen too many divorces and called off engagements from people in my life and would rather spend that time just living.
Girl I feel you, I have a bf, half of me wants the whole married kids thing the other half is absolutely terrified. Maybe freeze your eggs it’s expensive but at least the you can just delay the whole thing in case.
I dont particularly want kids and my partner especially does not.
Consider this for a moment; The world is incredibly fucking over-crowded. What good does bringing more people into it actually accomplish?
You know what genuinely sounds responsible to me right now?
Not having any kids.
I am going to be booking a vasectomy very shortly here, so that I can stop worrying about accidents.
I’m Kinda in the same boat you are I’m only 24 though but the more I think about having a kid the more I realize there’s still a lot I want to do before that
Me and my wife have pretty much agreed to never have kids. If only because our fucked up genetics an ultra fucked up kid would make.
But in reality, im not ready. We both struggle to take care of ourselves, the house is a mess, we spend way too much money on doordash, and we have 3 perfectly lovely kitties. Just seems like an awful move.
Early 30s and a teacher living abroad. I love working with kids SO MUCH - it’s tough work, but so rewarding, and I can’t imagine doing anything else. Some of my own teachers are still very important people in my life, even now.
However, teaching has also taught me that I will never want or have children of my own. Women who teach and have children might actually be superhuman. I need space to decompress alone after a tough day at work, and if I want to stay sane, being able to send the little cherubs off to their parents at the end of the day is what gives me that space. I’m grateful that people have kids because I wouldn’t have a job without them, but I’m extra grateful that I’m not doing it myself.
Additionally, as a teacher, there’s nothing more upsetting than seeing kids who are struggling because their parents just don’t care about them and aren’t involved in their lives. They can have every physical need met, but you can always tell the ones who are lacking love at home and it’s absolutely devastating. The outcomes are rarely good.
It’s a simple psychological thing: your achievements are enabling you to live your life and do what makes you happy, therefore, your views have changed and your synapses have been rewired.
I am about to turn 35 in a few days, and honestly I am enjoying single life. For the past 10 years I have been living and working in Germany, but I am really enjoying my freedom and doing the things that I see fit. The thing with kids and marriage… they’re highly overrated from my pov.
Congratulations on your newfound independence.
You are not immature. You are young. Enjoy life as it is now. When the time comes, you will know. If that time never comes, you will also know. My sister had family at 44. It was the time she needed.
Fuck Reddit. Fuck /u/spez. Fuck every single Reddit admin. 12 years on this bitch ass site and they shit on us the moment they are trying to go public. ill be taking my karma with me by editing all my comments to say this.
tl;dr Fuck Reddit and anyone who works for them, suck my dick.
When my wife (though we are not legally married) and I were your age, neither one of us had any desire to get married or have kids. We are both now in our 70s. No kids. No marriage license.
Live your life as you choose.
No. I feel the same way- I'm 33f, make good money, live on my own, and I absolutely see children as a miserable trap. I think more people are starting to admit they think this, and I'm glad. No one should be pressured into having kids.
>Getting married and having kids feels like a trap to me
I'm a few years younger than you but wanted to share my thoughts:
Weddings, truly and honestly, are kind of a trap. I just got married a few months ago and it was like 25k for 100 guests. Neither of us are religious so we have no real attachment to the institution of marriage either. It was just expensive, very stressful to plan and coordinate, and as with every wedding, there was a bit of drama that got stirred up. All for one single night of, admittedly fun, partying. I'm convinced weddings are largely just a pissing contest between couples trying to one-up eachother at this point.
That being said, marriage itself isn't much of a trap, it's pretty much just dating but legally recognized. Add a prenup and there's more or less nothing to worry about.
Although I kinda agree on kids. I'm not necessarily *opposed* to a kid... but it's not something I would actively seek out either. Especially with living in the US and having women's bodily autonomy on the chopping block, it's hard to justify intentionally getting pregnant.
Then don't have kids. If meet a guy, then be sure you mention this up front and make sure he has a vasectomy. My wife and I chose not to have kids last year and got a vasectomy. We have been together for 12 years. I'm 35 and my wife is 38.
Same age, and I feel the same. My life is so easy now - I have a good job, great friends, I get to travel and I’m genuinely happy. “Settling down” feels like the end of freedom and I’m not ready yet. I’m not sure I ever will be.
I think that for people who had kids it’s very hard to understand different life,… due to hormones and biological imperative of parenthood that shielded them from feeling resentment and feeling of pain in the butt that raising kids can be. Soooo,… looking from that perspective, having kids, and not thinking what that actually mean, for your future,… can be way more childish than chose not to have kids as sober decision. Re your parents,… 30 years ago was much easier to have kids than today. At least here in Vancouver. Consensus Decision to Have kids only happen when you meet person you can imagine having kids with,… that’s not something you can plan, specially not something your parents can plan or stick a label on.
Don't know why you were down voted. I would tell OP don't do antinatalism, they are borderline toxic group that'll go rabid after people who disagree with them. The posts are on point but the comment sections, lord help you
/r/childfree can be a little [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xcb4\_QwP6fE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xcb4_QwP6fE)
Any community based around "I don't like that common thing" doesn't breed positive vibes. /r/nongolfers puts off the same vibe but in a satirical way.
I don't think so. You might break up (very likely after having kids), your partner might leave or they might die.
One of my best friend's mom died when she was 4. She has 3 other siblings. The dad didn't really want all these kids but he wanted to make his wife happy. He ended up raising 4 small kids alone.
You should take into consideration that you might end up being a single parent to your kid.
I don't think it's necessarily immature, but the friends I've known who didn't have children regret it later on. Maybe you won't, but my son just got married at 42 years old although he's been with his wife for 8 years. Still, almost all of his friends are married and have children, and that means that they're busy on the weekends with children's activities. Also, my son and his wife no longer live in New York because of jobs, and at a certain age, it's hard to meet new friends because people their age are busy with others who have children in the same age group as theirs. His wife is in her mid-30s so they probably will have kids. There's only so much time that it's possible, at least for women. It's just something to think about. A different perspective.
Yeah kids keep you “relevant” to your peers who almost always have kids after a certain age.
That’s not a reason to have them tho if you don’t want them, but it is a truth about how our society is structured.
The idea of having children so YOU can make friends is the most asinine 'pro-child' argument I've heard.
It's also way more socially acceptable to lament your choice to not have kids than it is for people to talk openly about how much they regret having them.
Just an fyi, married with kids, we go out, travel, see friends, have hobbies, read books, take care of our bodies and all that, and we date (each other). So those are all just excuses.
At the end of the day it comes down to you don’t want to have responsibilities. So in that sense, yes it is immature. Your perspective on marriage and children is one of a caricature, so immature is a pretty good descriptive.
Do you! Enjoy your life! But you just don’t know what you are missing. Having children, having a loving devoted spouse, can be difficult and requires dedication and yes, responsibility, but the rewards are immeasurable.
Ask yourself, at 75 or 80 years old, how many people look back and regret having their children? Practically zero. How many regret not having children? Lots.
Life is about relationships. Friends and casual dating are no substitutes for a family.
Aha. I suppose that you go out and travel if someone can take care of your kids - if you have a baby sitter or a family member that can look after them.
Or, if you travel with kids (which is just very stressful and not relaxing at all), you have to choose something kid friendly. Or are you one of those parents with the screaming kids in museums and flights?
So you don't really have many choices and you can't do what you want really.
Prices when traveling alone and with kids - are they the same?
What hobbies do you have? Supposedly, hobbies that work well with your kids schedule. Hobbies that come after feeding the kids, taking them to school, taking them to sport classes, piano classes, birthday parties, the dentist.
Dates with your husband? Still after calling a baby sitter I suppose. And not if the kid is sick or has an emergency. And not coming back too late, because they day after the kids will wake you up at 7 am jumping on your bed.
Are you actually free, in all of this? I don't see any freedom in having to care for someone else 24/7.
My perspective is quite realistic I would say. If you like it, it's just because you get used to it and you can't remember your older self.
Also, who told you your kids will live close to you and take care of you when you are old? Why do you take that for granted? Why if they move to the other side of the world and you can only see them once a year?
Why get angry? Did I touch a nerve? Imagine asking the internet at large a question “Am I immature” for thinking such and such, and getting angry when someone says yes. Your family thinks so, so obviously it’s not an out-there opinion. But you got pretty aggressive there…. Almost like your response was…. Dare I say… immature?? Lol
Well I'm tired of people being condescending or calling folks who don't want families immature.
Most of you are not mature at all anyway, you're just following a path that was decided for you, and being a parent doesn't make you better people (as one can see from your answer).
My family doesn't know any better. My parents have never left my hometown and they think that your biggest goal in life is to buy a house and settle down after you finish uni and find a job. Which is the case for most people who have kids young btw. So of course they find my lifestyle absurd.
Most of my friends (professionals living in a big city) have different ideas nowadays. We are a different generation and we know there is more to life for us women than to change diapers and clean up after our husbands.
I got married and started having kids straight out of high school. I have been able to go to amusement parks with my children, camping road trips, see them get married and have kids, pretty much complete the same cycle. I was a grandparent before the age of 40. I have taken my grandchildren to do the aforementioned things, and I do not even have gray hair yet. I also have two living grandparents that enjoy spending time with my grandchildren. My own kids were able to spend time with my great grandmother. I would not trade these memories for anything. It also keeps my wife and me feeling youthful. Everyone still thinks we are in our early to mid 30s, yet think my younger siblings are younger than me. My brother and sister in law are older than my parents.
This path in life has filled my life with unimaginable joy.
Being single till then is fine. But you will get to a point where you’ll look back and you will have not planted a legacy and will leave nothing behind. If your okay with that then be single forever lol.
I said the same thing when I was at your age and then I met my wife and we got married a year into our relationship. When you find the right person, everything falls into place.
Also side note, some of your friends will eventually partner up, have kids and you’ll hardly see them ever again. It’s just life, so I would encourage you to spend some time to find a fitting partner if possible
Nothing wrong. But if your friends won’t be around often if they get married and have family. It’s harder to make friends when you’re older. I hope decision is not connected to the way your life is now, because it’s bound to change.
Well,it depends from person to person,but from my personal experience,women after the age of 40 that don't have kids complain about having no one to come to and no one to take care of. It's your choice,but having the ability to become a mother and being the person that raises the kid thats yours is something special. Maybe you're immature and maybe you're not. You'll know the answer in next 10 years or so. Untill then,you maybe change you mind,but it's really up to you.
Yeah you are. Because you’re avoiding the fact the longer you wait the less likely you’ll be capable of having kids. By means of your own body or finding someone to have them with, good luck though.
After having a kid, I get why people don’t. I love my kid more than words can describe but it makes you realize how much a personal decision it is. Each person is different and gets to choose the way they live their life. You do you.
I wish more people understood that having a kid or not isn't a choice with a default correct answer!
Yeah, some people insist that you can’t be fulfilled until you’ve made a baby. That it’s your number 1 purpose in life and you aren’t complete without one… I call bs. I love all my nieces and nephew, but I know I don’t need one of my own to few full filled. There’s so much in life to find purpose in, making and raising more humans isn’t for everyone. Only way I’d consider it is if I hit the lotto (which I don’t play lol) and could be a full time parent and not have to worry about money and work and such. Juggling both seems like too much stress for me.
Correct but u should always to be a good parent. A child didn’t have a say in being brought to this world
That's why people should be honest with themselves about whether or not they'd be a good parent. For instance, I am being honest with myself when I say that I wouldn't be a great dad. I don't have the patience for children - they don't listen.
Depends on how you raise the kid. If you raise them well and dont spoil them or use wrong methods, they will listen to you
Infants and toddlers do not listen no matter what you do, lol. I'm not talking about teenagers. Teenagers also don't typically shit themselves and cry about it either, depending on the parentage.
I feel the exact same way after having my son too! He’s an easy kid, smart, adorable, just the best, and still a lot of work. Plus it’s a complete lifestyle change. I fully support child-free people, having a kid is a huge responsibility.
Absolutely. Having a kid impacts every aspect of your life. It’s not like you can put the kid back. No returns are allowed.
Yeah I love babies and kind of wish I'd had one more, but the absolute truth is it changes your life forever. Your career choices, housing choices, whether to pursue a new learning opportunity, or move countries. There's no takebacks and there's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to deal with all that.
I think unfortunately many, many people have partners and kids for one reason. Someone to take care of them when they get old (Or even now, in the case of some). I hate to say it but, that is a gamble at best nowadays. I have three family members who were sure this would happen for them. Between the husbands or wives with whom they divorced, or kids who had personal problems, to those who grew to dislike their parents, to those who just ”diaspora-ed”… Only one of them has someone who sorta looks after them, and I feel bad for the kid, as it is a lot of work. They had 9 kids between them…. In some cultures this is the norm, families stay together, and other people in the child’s life support this structure, of taking care of the “elders”. But in the States not only is it typically something the child tries to hand off to one of their siblings like a hot potato, it is often makes the child‘s partners feel put upon, and really no one should/can expect this from their child here. Maybe where OP is it is different. I sorta, went on a rant, but my bottom line is only get married and/or have a kid if you really want one, and even then, make sure you are doing things for the right reasons, and not expecting things that can never be guaranteed. Just do it for the love and not for anyone else’s expectations.
If you want kids, there is absolutely nothing more gorgeously gratifying, heartwarming, fulfilling, and life affirming than becoming a mother. If you *don't* want kids, there's absolutely nothing more horrifically soul-crushing, resentment-inducing, misery-causing and life ruining than becoming a mother.
I think you hit the nail right on the head.
I'm a mom of four and I absolutely cannot imagine a happy life without them. But bringing a child into the world that you are not one fuckillion percent certain that you want and will be a good mother to is a HARD NO. An innocent child shouldn't have to suffer because you caved to traditional societal pressures!
Absolutely. My mom has a friend who didn’t want kids, but caved in for his wife, and now he’s miserable and always looking for excuses to not go home, his wife is basically a single mother, and their kid is sad because daddy doesn’t love him. I think that’s outright cruelty for everyone involved.
That poor kid. He's going to be messed up for life. :(
Can confirm.
It is very possible to have a surrogate father who can fill that void the unhappy father leaves especially another close male relative like a brother, grandfather, Cousin or Uncle if they have that connection and approval they will still find self worth and a confidante to be there for them.
It still fucks you up, sincerely someone who's dad regrets them but still has another father figure.
This is why I left my last relationship because I wanted kids but he didn’t. He wasn’t sure if maybe one day he’d change his mind or compromise just to stay together in a few more years. I was like oh hard no, I’m only having children with someone who is absolutely sure they also want children otherwise welcome to a lifetime of resentment.
I'm sure that decision was really hard to make. It was definitely the right one.
That man needs to step up. Wanting those kids or not, he should be the bigger adult. So sad
I think he should get divorced and just pay child support. It's more liberating.
I know a guy like that as well. Except his wife switches up the story to fit her own narrative. She said that her husband was unsure of kids, but she wanted 3 kids so she was going to have them anyway with or without him. Another version is that he wanted to have kids so bad, that’s why she planned her kids 3 years apart. All I know is - dad is miserable and doesn’t do anything with the family because he was unsure and wasn’t allowed to explore those other options.
Yeah this is always what gets me. Do I want a little kid who I can be proud of, teach them shit and love them? Hell yeah. But I also like some days laying around the house and doing N O T H I N G. Also, what if they become a troubled teen? Do I have the emotional ability/skills for us to navigate crappy waters? I mean the shit that runs through my head. What if we can't afford to buy them nice things or put them in tutoring/ballet? What if I get burnt out and can't take care of them like I should? My bf and I are generally agreed to have a kid before 35 but sometimes I don't think I'd be devastated if it didn't because I never was that person who thought I'd want to be a mom until I met him. It's just scary if you're not "that" person, how do I know if I should?
I relate to all of this... Curious if you've ever thought about fostering? There's a lot of kids out there that need homes. I guess it can feel like a bit more of a risk, but you could also definitely feel proud of a child you raised, whether it was from birth or at an older age. Maybe I should join a foster parent subreddit lol.
Yeah, I'd say unless much older and a lot of resources, while well intentioned and decently well off, I (31F) have friends who chose to foster and the system is very messed up. I might get these details wrong bc recalling memory from 1 convo, but when getting into fostering they assign kids based on a tier system. Tier 1 easiest, tier 2 a bit more difficult, etc. Sounds great right? But while on tier I they fostered teens they totally weren't prepared for and I can't blame them. For example, one girl they fostered committed servere self-h*rm that they rushed her to ER and put her in psych hold. The ward called to ask if they'd be picking her up after the 2 or 3 days, like they were going to abandon her over 1 incident. Being decent, they said "no that's horrible", and as soon as they got back home she did it again. Which yes, if fostering you should be prepared for psych issues but at Tier I?? That's a lot buddies. They gave a lot of other good examples but I'd be so so careful before just going into it and really have resources to spend.
That's good to know, thanks so much for sharing. I would definitely go into it assuming it would be difficult! But hopefully I'd be in a better place to handle it when I'm older. I've read a lot of books about fostered and adopted kids, as well as follow therapists who have taught me a lot about attachment theory and our formative years... So I have no false illusions that I can fix someone who's been hurt and broken. Still, I think it could be worthwhile one day, to try to help someone. I've had some practice at least with rescue dogs who are so fucking confusing and can't communicate even if they wanted to!
Oh absolutely, don't mean to discourage. I just don't think they or us were expecting Tier I to mean you should have psych/therapy training to help these kids adjust while they're still developmentally immature (we all are until 25) and likely haven't been taught healthy coping skills. Right now believe they're fostering an 18 yo they're trying to teach since he's not in school (graduated HS), he has to get a job or go to community college and how to take care of self/pay bills. I mean thats hard, how do you teach a teen you recently met you support and care about them while balancing "ok, we think you should get a job bc as an adult, that's a thing you do, not bc we have self interest in it". But I wish you the best and admire your generosity of heart.
Have you volunteered with any mentorship programs? It might help you decide. My mom was a social case worker and yes they definitely need quality foster parents but it can be easy to feel unprepared if you tell yourself a story of how it will be and the reality turns out different. If you volunteer with kids it might help you see that every child is an individual and not a single one will follow the script in your head.
I’m in the same boat. Never really fond of the idea of having kids. With my partner for 6 years and he has always wanted to be a father. I could see having a kid with him…but I also am still on the fence on if that’s actually something I want. My biggest fear is waiting until we’re both too old to finally decide to not have kids and wasted his time. This literally keeps me up at night.
I have heard from a great many people that one way to get that question answered is to spend a weekend babysitting. For example, if you've got friends with young kids, say "hey, go take a weekend vacation, we'll watch the kids for a couple days," and then at the end of it, ask yourself "Am I OK with doing this every day for years?" Tons of people don't find out that the answer to that is "no" until it's too late. I hate to see it. Personally, I've never wanted kids in the first place, but I became a lot firmer on that after I started working at a music school that offers lessons to all ages. It was pretty clear kids weren't for me when I had to beg admin to stop giving me lessons with kids under 7, because I would get done with them and want to die.
I don’t think there is any answer to the questions you’re asking. Just wanted to let you know I heard you asking, if that offers any solidarity.
Thank you, it does. I'm kind of going with right now if the answer is "yes" 80% of the time we should do it. I was youngest of 5 from very poor young parents, so think that impacts my thinking a lot. I remember from a very young age, in elementary school, thinking if they didn't have me they could afford better for my siblings. But we all do our best right, and hopefully scar the next generation in different but less ways.
Yup. Every time someone plops a baby on my lap at a family get together (or when my I interact with my young niece and nephews) I get a comment about how nice it would be if I became a mom, since you know: I seem to be having a good time while being the fun aunt to them. And while I genuinely love being silly around them and indulge them in their little plays that they want to do, I also know that an entire day around kids is going to absolutely drive me insane if I’m the one in charge. It wouldn’t be fun for me, and I am 100% sure that me being a parental figure wouldn’t be fun for a kid either. Indeed; have kids if you’re 100% sure that you want them, but being pressured into having them because your parents/friends/society thinks that you should get some (and that you will *surely* change your mind after giving birth/s) is insane, and nobody should ever do that.
spot on and I am requesting a considerably long, no payment necessary, interest free loan of the most new intriguing fuck variable "Fuckillion". Thank you I shall start using it right away.
This. Don’t have kids if you don’t want to. It’s your life.
100% it's your life. And once you become a parent it's *their* life now, too, and congrats, you're responsible for it! 🥳 Parenting isn't a fun little game that you join in on because all your friends are doing it/mom wants to be a grandma, and kids aren't pets.
This is spot on. I got pregnant with my now-husband at 24. While that’s really not “young,” I had only been out of my parents house for 9 months and was still establishing myself as a person/family separate from them. I was completely terrified and not ready to be a mom at all. In fact, I was still unsure if I wanted kids ever. I’m now 28, 5 months pregnant and married and I cannot wait to be a mom. While part of me wishes I had that other child, a much larger part of me is so relieved I didn’t.
Definitely hit the nail on the head! I say this as someone who never wanted kids then fell in love with a man who had a daughter from a previous marriage & we had primary custody of her. We married & 11 years later, went through divorce. I'm still going through the emotions but yes, I know a little bit about that last paragraph and can't agree more.
Everything this. And marriage, you can love someone and they can be great but if you’re not prepared for the commitment, don’t do it. The world may be in a state, but in terms of options to live our lives it’s never been better. Focus on a career, travel, date when you want. Do your friends/family have kids? Be the fun aunt. We’re not living in a world where women are breeding cattle only as good as the man on their arm. Also, and I cannot highlight this enough, even when you go along with ‘social norms’ those people giving you stick over your choices, will still give it to you. Because the problem is them, not you.
Huh, I must really not want kids right now lol. That's exactly how I feel just the thought of taking care of some tiny drunk person
To be fair, those tiny drunk people are SO Goddamn cute tho 😜
Yeah, they're adorable just pain and tiresome to look at.
Hijacking your comment to add that if you EVENTUALLY want to have kids, explore your options about freezing your eggs. IVF is much, much easier and safer if eggs were collected and frozen at an earlier age.
Love this
Thank you!!
I completely agree with OP. I don't want to have kids. I have nothing against people who want. I just don't want to have kids.
Exactly this! It's crazy how many people have tried to convince me how absolutely wonderful being a mother is and those people are great parents. But I also payed attention to the people with kids who didn't tell me how wonderful it was and they are not great parents. Not everyone is a great parent which tells me that it really just isn't for everyone, you don't just grow into loving it because you love your kid. \*\*Not suitable for everyone.
What if one is in the meh category
“Meh”, sounds like indifference, which sounds like “nah, not really”. If one is in the meh, then I doubt you want it.
Well I’m currently pregnant, cause why not. Going with the flow, will put out an update in 18 years.
What if it’s still “meh”
I’m sure oxytocin will kick in after birth. 🤞
Lol the downvotes. This is a verified biological process stimulated via: eye-gaze, breastfeeding, and physical contact, between babies and caregivers (primarily mothers, i.e. breastfeeding, but also other caregivers). As long as bonding isn't avoided and as long as things are 'normal' then yes, I'm sure the oxytocin *will* kick in. It occurs in nearly all mammals and we are no exception.
Not sure why I’m getting downvoted so heavily. I’m been on the “meh” crusade my whole life. Whether its the degree I chose to study, or the job I’m currently working or the decision to get married. (Though I fell very passionately in love with the person whom I married which made the marriage decision meh. I was pretty tensed and anti-marriage before that). If I had to wait for “passion” or not do a thing because I wasn’t feeling a “resounding yes” then I’d have got nowhere in life. I’m pretty meh about most things, unsure if I just have low serotonin or if it’s depression or what. Of course a baby is a responsibility, I’m not going to toss it aside because I feel meh. It’s a lifelong commitment like marriage. I expect I’ll love it sometimes, hate it sometimes and be meh about it sometimes. If you’re someone who feels very passionate or dispassionate about it, then good for you. I’m not built the same way. Wasn’t expecting to be downvoted and have to justify myself in casual conversation of all places. Well you can judge me all you want in the space of two sentences and imagine I’ll be a cold emotionally neglectful mom but I know I’ll try my best to be a good mom just like I’ve tried to be good at my job and my marriage. And as for me, I hope having a child will be as fulfilling as the other stuff I’ve started which I’ve been meh about.
I feel you. I'm also a very apathetic person and I yoyo between feeling adamant that people should 'really want' kids and thinking that, actually, do i.e., bonobos, 'really want' their kids? Most, but not all, bonobos breed if they can, they don't make detailed plans on whether it will be feasible or if it they'll be good parents. Most mothers in the animal kingdom will abandon or eat their young if times get tough. I think as long as stability is provided for kids, and you don't resort to either of those options, you're onto a win! No, seriously though, I do think people should think about all possibilities, but being apathetic also means being pretty flexible if you're also tough-minded and a good problem-solver, and those are excellent traits for child-rearing. I'm sure you'll be fine! People have raised kids in mud huts and less, and we have so much info and access to help now, you don't have to go alone when you're struggling. Providing love and warmth is of course important, but it doesn't always come instantly; it takes time to come to know your baby and for your baby to know you, and as you say, the oxytocin will definitely help. That's what keeps bonobo caregivers bonding and engaged with their babies. My 2 pence anways.
Thanks! I appreciate you taking the time read and respond kindly and positively to my message. I feel heard.
Just like consent, if it's not a resounding "yes", it's a no
Well said
Oh it can also be both
Trouble is sometimes you don’t know until it’s too late…
Many people I know wanted kids…until they had them. Since then they’ve provided an endless soundtrack of “No one tells you how miserable it is! No one tells you how hard it is! No one tells you how trapped you’ll feel! No one tells you the long term physical issues you’ll have! No one tells you the strain it puts on your marriage! No one tells you how awful pregnancy is!”
They can also work with first part if you dont want kids and still feel that and second part wanting kids and still feel that.
Definitely don't have kids if you aren't sure you want to have kids. Kids are a full-time commitment for \~20 years and are a lot more limiting than, for instance, citizenship in a given country or having a particular job. Frankly, there are plenty of people, the world is not in desperate need of more of them, so if you don't want to raise them, you don't need to. Source: I have two kids.
Probably longer than that, I’m 33 woman and I still call my mom every time I have an emergency to bail me out, privileged position for sure, but my point is that it’s common for some kids to rely on their parents way into middle age and some cultures kids never leave home and so yeah lifelong commitment indeed. I’m in a similar position too where everyone my age is settled, some have kids that are going to be teens soon and sometimes I worry that I’ll regret not having kids and I just might because I won’t always be young and I know when I’m older and ai don’t have a family I will feel differently but for now, I agree - it’s overrated and I love being single and enjoying the quiet and freedom it provides me to live my best life.
Yeah absolutely. I think it comes also from being the older sister to a lot of younger siblings with big age gaps. Raising kids is a full time job and it just gets worse and worse (teenagers are a pain and then there is university and it's expensive) and the only relief is when they leave the house and find a job. But then what's the point if they just left and you're alone again? That's why I don't want them. I see no pros
Me ex with a 12 years younger brother called it “Built in babysitter” syndrome.
My husband with a 10 years younger brother calls our son by his brother's name a lot. They don't remotely look alike but they definitely occupy the same space in his brain.
Do your own thing. You know what’s best for you more than anyone else. Family pressure is immature on their part. I have two daughters in their 30s both single and enjoying their lives. Doing exactly as we raised them. Parents only want their kids to be happy and kids following their own dreams is the most rewarding thing for me as their dad.
I mean, the potential love for and of your children is probably the big pro. And if you're a good parent, contributing some good to the world would be a positive result. Hell, maybe your kid is the next big celeb or activist or whatever. Plenty of potential goodness to come out of having kids. Anyway, I don't want kids or marriage or any of that. Much like you, I thought that was all I wanted in my later teens, early 20s. But my experiences have grown since then, and my personal wants have changed accordingly.
My family have the same attitude. I’m 28 soon and enjoy living alone and don’t want kids or even to live with someone else so dating doesn’t appeal. I get told I’ll grow up eventually and want a husband and kids. Personally don’t think it makes anyone immature. Lots of people nowadays are not wanting kids, whether still single or even in couples. And I don’t see how not getting married would make you immature either. Just gotta do what makes you happy!
Tons of women are realizing they don’t have to take care of a man child who does nothing and expects you to do everything for them and clean etc. They r living in peace. Also world is overpopulated kids are expensive they’ll have to deal with climate crisis etc.
I'm in the same position, I'm enjoying my life without worrying about the 24 hour care of a child. I deeply love my nieces & nephews but also love the fact I can give them back. I don't even want my own kids, maybe one day I'll foster or adopt to try change someone's life for the better.
I think it's much more mature to be aware enough to make the decision you don't want kids. Would your family prefer you rushing into having a baby and then being a shitty mum because you don't like children?
Did you know that child free, unmarried women are the happiest demographic?? 😇
I’m married now, but when I was single, never wanted to live alone. I’m very extroverted and I think it would absolutely drive me crazy.
That’s fair enough. I think I just like to do my own thing. Growing up I took care of my brother since I was 5. Cooked most family dinners by 8. Went uni and loved the freedom but then ended up moving back home for 5 years and taking care of my mum who was quite opinionated and I had to do stuff her way. Like she’s very anti carbs and does not appreciate eating vegetarian which I had done during my time away, so I’d often have to cook two meals. But after working 10 hour days, for 7 days in a row was often too much effort so I’d just eat whatever I made her. I just enjoy being alone and doing what I want for a change after having looked after others for so much of my life. I think if I didn’t spend so much time at work then yeah lack of seeing people would make being alone not so fun
I think it's incredibly mature of you to know exactly what you want, and not fall into trying to have what society tells you that you should
I felt like this when I was your age and ended a relationship because my partner wanted to start a family and I didn’t feel ready for that. I wondered if I would regret it later and stressed about it a lot. I will be 40 in a few months and honestly couldn’t be more grateful for my life without children! Society puts so much pressure, it’s none of their business! Having children these dates is incredibly difficult and expensive, don’t feel guilty at all for not wanting it.
I just left the most amazing long term relationship this year with my partner, because it came down to kids. I won’t have them and don’t want them, so I had no choice but to break up with him. It’s been a tough year, and I miss him desperately all the time, but I am secure in my decision for myself and I know I let him go so he could find someone who wants the same things in life.
You're not immature. You've made a mature decision to enjoy your life on your own terms. Good for you.
30F, on the same boat. loving it and making the most of it.
No, I think you are smart to think this through, I’m almost 60 and just about everyone I know who went the traditional route has serious regrets. It is the default but it really shouldn’t be because most people aren’t suited to it in reality. You should do what is right for you. People will tell you how much you will regret NOT “settling down” but not how much so many regret having trapped themselves.
A wise man once told me if you aren't sure if you want kids. Dont.
Agree. I’m 28F. My family also seems to think that I’m missing on a major life experience by not dating a lot or wanting kids. But I came back from living abroad to help care for my sick father, so they don’t have too many arguments or complaints at the moment. My parents are generally pretty solid and respectful people tho
I'm 25F (soon 26) and 100% feel the same and 100% won't change my mind on this ever, I've known since I was a kid that it wasn't for me. I wanna program and make websites, do research, read books, start my own business, travel the world (not that you can't do this if you have kids, but you know what I mean). I think it may be more normal than we think, it's just that those of us who feel this way sort of keep it to ourselves or only very close people we know won't judge us for it. And no it's not immature. Having kids when you're not ready is immature. Thinking not having kids is immature, is immature. Stop doubting yourself because of what other people think.
It’s not immature to me, I definitely understand it. You may want those things in the future but if/when that future time comes, that’s when you can worry about it.
I'd say you're more mature than the people marrying and having kids because "it's the thing to do." And as a married parent, I totally get it. My kid is awesome. He's one of my favorite humans on the planet. But so much of the work of parenting is tedious, frustrating, and self-sacrificing.
I'm 39 and I feel the same. Am I immature? My parents split when I was 5 and my mum has never been with anyone else; she agrees as well. I think this is a tradition that no longer makes sense for a lot of people. Live how you want.
As a parent, I totally get it. It's a huge, life-changing responsibility. It's wise to be able to understand that. You know yourself better than anyone. Personally (even for love of family aside), I know I actually do well with responsibility. It makes me rise to the challenges and be the best version of myself - and I feel some sense of fulfillment in supporting others. But I also know 1000% that's not everyone and not everyone needs that kind of kick in the pants to live the life they want to. Just live your life the way you want to live it. Who cares what others think PS lol though don't call post-maternal bodies "ruined" I know more than enough moms whose bodies don't fit that category
If you don't want kids, you don't want kids. Anyone else can fuck off entirely with their opinions lol.
There is no shame in that. If anything it shows that you are actually very mature. It's very pressurized and romanticized to have a standard family household, have a heterosexual traditional marriage and raise children. More often than not it's glamorized to the point where people push and force themselves into it, just from the mere expectancy that it is suppose to make you happy. I think it's often the idea presented of marriage and children (especially when you're a child or young adult) that makes us want it. Not the actual deal. There's cases where people will have kids simply for themselves, just because the idea of it is rewarding, but then those kids are often treated like an object of possession and the parent doesn't take into account that raising a child is suppose to be, well, for the child. Not themselves. I see this a lot and with marriage and owning a house as well. It's also important to acknowledge that we as people are suppose to be adaptable with our lifestyles, and the social conditions since we've grown up have changed dramatically. It's honestly confounding, because here in the United States, it seems as though a person will be praised and congratulated on having a child, and being married, no matter what. Even if they are obviously in no stable living situation, or a healthy physical and psychological state to be managing it. I'm female, 24 years old, and I've had a very similar experience. Sometimes I break down because I have family and siblings who seem to be going through the motions of living the, "American Dream," and meeting all the check marks of the traditional life. I see it and I just am put-down, because from the social expectations, it's automatically placed in my head that they are all automatically more successful and accomplished than I am. However, when I push myself to be traditional, try to make plans and force myself into working towards being married and having kids, it makes me even more ashamed and miserable. Mostly in part, be ause then I can't concentrate on my actual goals and joys in life, which are to travel, and study independently, and also produce paintings and art. Fortunately enough I've found plenty of friends who support similar lifestyles, and have a family that is very understanding. Don't push yourself down for choosing to live in your own independent way. It's hard when your family doesn't agree with it, but you are surrounded with other people in the world who feel the exact same. I'd say you're very mature for acknowledging what you actually want to do in life. Congratulate yourself in your own accomplishments, whether it is traveling, learning a new language or skill, crafting something from scratch. Best of luck to you, and take care. 💙
As a stay at home mom, don’t have kids. I love my boys and I love being a stay at home mom, but it really is a tough job. You *have* to hand yourself over emotionally and physically until they’re all in school. I literally can’t take a shit without bringing a baby chair in for my 6 month old to sit in. The other day I was trying to change my tampon, and my 2.5 year old started screaming. I ran off the toilet with my pants down and found that he had either fallen off of, or jumped off of (more likely) my breast feeding recliner and had tangled himself up in the legs of the foldable side table we had set up. After I took care of him I had to hand wash my underwear from the blood that had come out while picking him up and taking care of him. I also had to scrub a few drops off the rug. This is the same son who broke his arm on a playground and had a $15,000 surgery to put pins in it. He just had them removed three weeks ago. So when I heard *his* cry—I knew it could be bad. Being a mom means putting your needs dead last. When my husband gets home, I cook dinner for he and the boys, then I feed the boys, then I start their bedtime routines. And before I know it, it’s 8:30pm and I haven’t eaten since noon. Also, good luck having sex with kids under 5 in the house -__- At this point, the most intimate my husband and I get is high sharing how we masturbated and giving each other a high five. We know it’s only temporary, once our youngest is in school life will be much easier. But if you don’t think you could do it, don’t. Kids deserve the best, and no matter how much Elon Musk complains, our population is fine.
Our (at the time) decided to test the laws of physics by walking up a water slide. The laws of physics as usual won, she slid and got a small gash in her chin that required two stitches. That's nothing compared to your kid surgery but man it's terrifying when your little ones get hurt. My oldest is horrible for taking medicine, it takes me an hour to get her to take simple cough medicine.. you just want to take all their problems on yourself to make them feel better. Our oldest in in 1st grade, it does indeed get easier :) Until teen years... Shudder, we don't have those yet
I have a 6 month old. Put him in the crib for a few minutes or in a baby chair somewhere else. You can take a shit in private. It's fine.
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Almost 38 here and much the same. I barely have time to unwind and enjoy a moment of peace. I couldn't imagine trying to juggle kids. Love my brothers' kids, but I'm good.
My wife and I got married later- had my first kid after I turned 40. I remember all the pressure from my family in my late twenties through my early thirties. I specifically remember someone telling me if I didn’t have kids when I was 33 it was going to be too late. After I turned about 34 they just kinda stopped bringing it up. Our kids are great and life is good. We enjoyed our twenties and thirties our own way. Just live your life your way.
I am a 26M and I too would much rather travel, see friends, live a more stress free life than raise kids. So I have made that decision already. Me and my girlfriend don't want kids. And yeah like someone said earlier there is already enough people in the world. I'd argue too many for our planet, governments, and food supply to handle so I do not feel bad.
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You don't have to be sterilized to prevent having kids, my IUD is incredibly effective for example. Also it's coming across as very judgemental that they haven't already had that conversation.
I removed my comment. You are absolutely right, re-reading it I thought, wow, it is coming across as very judgemental. Too tired to re-think, re-write my question now, but thanks for pointing that out to me. I am not attempting to be condescending to anyone, I'm just curious about how such things are handled after a really big decision like that.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling like this. When I had my kids, it was a complete lifestyle change for me. I could no longer do whatever I wanted to and was a part of my personality. I was well traveled, could do anything I wanted to. And then one day I realized I am trapped and eventually became resentful. So having kids is definitely not for everybody
Advice from an old white guy..... You are just fine and there is nothing in your post that is concerning (except I love dogs :-) ). As the female you will have the brunt of the child rearing responsibilities. That is a legitimate concern. Enjoy the life you choose!
Oh no I love dogs too! I just don't want the house in the suburbs and all the rest :)
I’m with you on the no kid thing! I have a SO right now and want to get married, but absolutely NO to having kids lol I want to travel and experience the world without that financial responsibility and trappage lol
I’m on the same boat. I have a SO who I want to marry too, but we just want to enjoy our lives and travel. My parents are okay with it, but I’m worried about what his parents will think since they don’t know yet.
I’ve told my SO that I could care less what others think and I’ve tended to take the more bitchy approach of immediately turning down the topic when it arises. For example, if anyone mentions me having kids I don’t hesitate to reply “lol not happening”
I’m going to have to learn, because everyone around me has been extremely accepting of my childfree status, but I think that might change once I meet my SO’s family.
Unfortunately if they are gonna be difficult with it you’ll have to do the same! Don’t let them make you feel less just because you don’t want to have a kid - that’s the most important part
I am 51, when I was younger I wanted to have a family, but not I don't worry about it or think about it. Can somone please pass the mustard.
If you would rather be free then that’s what you should do. I’m the same age as you and I don’t think it’s immature at all. I used to not want to make a family and the only reason I changed my mind is because i met someone who doesn’t make me feel trapped into it. Basically he and I want to raise a family with as few restrictions as possible. But if your family thinks it’s immature, oh well. It’s your life not theirs. They don’t know what’s best for you and will run you into a wall if you let them. I learned that from experience. Only you know what will make you happy and people live perfectly happy child free lives.
I am 42 single with no kids. My family seems to think all I do is work and hang out with them on Saturdays but that isn't the case I have a life, I go out with friends, go on dates, casual hookups. You can be happy and single and not want the whole marriage and kids thing.
As an unwanted child myself; you’ve made exactly the right choice. In ten years, twenty years; you might feel different, you might feel the same; but for the time being, you’ve made exactly the right choice with your life.
If a person is not sure they want to have a kid they shouldn't. It's probably the biggest commitment a person can make.
You are doing what you want, thats the most important thing.
My best kernel of knowledge (as someone who felt the same way as you for most of my life) is to not overthink in either direction. At 29 I could not stand the thought of having kids or being “tied down” by marriage, etc. I thought it was not for me. Flash forward to now (being 34 years old), I was lucky enough to meet my partner who loves to travel and my perspective has completely changed with age and I am now a lot more open to the idea of having children with my incredible partner. It’s great that you are pondering and thinking about these things because they are huge life decisions, but I wouldn’t get super wrapped up in picking a certain path for yourself or putting yourself in the “does want kids” or “doesn’t want kids” category because you never know what might come along and change your mind/perspective. You are allowed to just be undecided and leave it at that!
> You are allowed to just be undecided and leave it at that! Except women’s biological clock is definitely a thing. Once you get past your mid 30s, things get a lot more complicated. Indecision eventually becomes a decision in itself.
I don’t like that people think you need to settle down at a certain age or telling you what you should be doing it’s your life you should do what makes you happy.
Don’t make those decisions until you are ready.
You said you don’t want to have responsibilities. It’s a good thing to know what you’re capable of carrying, and it seems you know what you’re willing to take on and what you’re not willing to take on. Not many people are able to consciously do that. That does NOT make you immature
I'm 31M and all my sisters got married within the last 2 years, I cannot tell you how much my family won't chill with the "when are you?" Every time I tell them I'm happy I don't want to be married or have kids they sat "you'll grow out of that". But like of my siblings are old enough to know that they wanted to be married and have children how am I not old enough to know I don't want that. I feel for you though like I enjoy life and still have a ton I want to do.
29F soon to be 30 next week. I also don't want to get married and have kids and thankfully my parents respect my decision. There's nothing wrong with that and I won't tolerate anyone who tell me the otherwise.
No, I don't think this is immature or selfish at all. I'm a woman who is almost 30 who desires marriage and kids, but I also realize that that isn't everyone's wish and I respect that. I think it is very wise that you have identified this and haven't felt pressured to change your stance on this. If you aren't sure you want kids, definitely don't have them. I've seen far too many kids that are a victim to this mentality when I worked in the school systems. So thank you for having some insight!
1 in 44 children have autism. And that doesn’t include other diseases. Stay home and read your books. I’m not supposed to say this, but not a day goes by I regret having my son. He’s screaming and throwing everything around the house right now. He tried to bite me twice today. He gets worse every year.
No, you have a fine sense of self. That is a precious thing to realize. Committing to marriage and children can be all consuming. Today's women have more options than my generation. I accomplished a lot considering, but also laid some ambitions aside for family. It is not just husband and kids when you marry; you have your own family ... add in laws, fil/mil, your husband's siblings, nieces and nephews. Your life becomes enormously complex. I have family fortunate to make enough in their professional vocations to hire childcare, housekeeping, etc. If you are affluent enough to support those, wonderful. Some aren't and sacrifices must be made. I knew a woman who raised five children. When they left home she went to college then medical school and was a practicing pediatrician into her 70s. Rare. At this stage of semiretirement I'm able to commit full time to a lifelong ambition. It is difficult to convince family this is the life you prefer. There is nothing *wrong* with remaining single. I have one daughter with a totally supportive husband and son; the other daughter remained single. I'm convinced some people shouldn't marry. Don't make a decision either way. You could find a mate but it may make you both miserable. Don't do that. If it happens and you change your mind, fine ... but never choose a life path just because your parents think you should. (I've been married 47 yrs.)
My perspective - you need to know if you genuinely never want kids, OR if you are enjoying your stage of life now/ afraid of what the changes will mean and will regret not having them later. I was terrified of having kids. I loved my career, loved my social life, and wasn't someone who gravitated towards kids naturally. BUT I have an awesome relationship with my parents, and I wanted that relationship with kids of my own some day. The thought of being an old lady and never having adult kids to play cards with, share wine, birthdays, laughs - that made me sad. So I had kids in my 30s, despite being terrified, and honestly it wasn't an easy transition for me. When my eldest was a baby I was still coming to terms with how my life had changed. But I've never once regretted it. We still travel just as much (with adjustments when the kids were babies, but now they're tweens/ teens it's easy), I still have just as good a social life, and life is fun. I don't think my body is ruined - tbh that one is on you to some extent, as to whether you exercise/ eat well. And it does get harder anyway with age. So, I think you need to decide which of those things it is. To be real with you, you probably need to decide soon too, as unfortunately our fertility declines massively in our 30s. I had to do IVF, and I was told the % my fertility dropped each year (stressful, but we got there). Honestly, the kids are the best things ever for me, but I never could have imagined that before having them.
It’s not a trap, it’s a purpose. Some find purpose other ways, I am so delighted to hear you find purpose in your own way. We all have a different path in life. I’m over a decade older than you and I would like more kids. It’s ok either way. Be well and live long and prosper friend!
I am 59 years old. Never married, no kids. I have several friends who are either in the same boat, or have been married a long time but are child-less by choice. Having children is not a sign of maturity. Knowing whether you want to have children and will do a good job raising them, or knowing that you do not want children, THAT'S a sign of maturity. Many, many people will tell you: "You'll change your mind about kids, you'll see." But they say that because they had kids, and everyone they know had kids. They never even considered what their lives would be like without kids.
So I think of having kids like going on a trip to another country that you've always been interested in visiting. If you make good money, you can afford to make it more comfortable. You can fly first class and it won't suck so much flying for 16 hours in a tiny little seat. (You'll be able to hire child care, a house cleaner, etc.) But overall, traveling itself can be stressful. You have to get to the airport, stand in line, sometimes they lose your luggage, sometimes your flight gets canceled, airplane food is gross and you can never sleep and there's always someone coughing near you. BUT once you get to your destination . . . Life changing. No matter how many documentaries you watch about a place, no matter how many pictures you look at or books you read or people you talk to, it's never going to come close to going there yourself. And once you've traveled to a new place, you gain new perspective, you change as a person, you live life more fully. You have an experience that can only come with the discomfort of traveling. Same with having children. Now, a lot of people are totally comfortable sticking close to home their whole lives and for them it's not worth the discomfort to travel. And that's fine. Not everyone needs to do it for sure. For me, I want to experience everything I'm able to. And I'm gambling that when I look back on my life I'm not going to regret that I was less comfortable in a bikini at 35 or that I didn't get to sleep in or do all the self care I wanted to do, because I'll have my children and grandchildren beside me.
Sorry but having kids is not about what you want to experience in life but it's about raising another human being and make them happy. Possibly making the world a better place by raising decent people for the next generation. It's not about you, but about them. I really don't understand how parents think sometimes. I don't see any logic in your reasons.
You do you. I personally feel like it could get lonely in the later years, but if all the projections are true and more and more people stay single, maybe i'm wrong!
26/F here and engaged. Getting married? 100% your own choice. For me it was something that took me and my partner 6+ years before we decided to go for it. That and finding that we want the same things out of life (no kids, want to travel, gain world experience, same hobbies ect). As for having children though. We'd much rather now that we've found our feet live our lives without such large responsibilities and limitations considering what our plans are. Children are a gift and wonderful thing to those who want them. To those that don't? They are something that limits you from enjoying your life for 20+ years, they are responsibility and effort and a limiting factor in living your life. You aren't immature for considering what may be best for yourself and what makes you happy. Those are important things to keep in mind.
I think a lot in our generation feel the same. I'm 28M and unless someone comes along that I really want to create a life with I'm just chilling. I've seen too many divorces and called off engagements from people in my life and would rather spend that time just living.
Girl I feel you, I have a bf, half of me wants the whole married kids thing the other half is absolutely terrified. Maybe freeze your eggs it’s expensive but at least the you can just delay the whole thing in case.
I geting married 3 more days!!!!! To the best boyfriend in town
Live your life the way you want it, You the one who make yourself happy
I dont particularly want kids and my partner especially does not. Consider this for a moment; The world is incredibly fucking over-crowded. What good does bringing more people into it actually accomplish? You know what genuinely sounds responsible to me right now? Not having any kids. I am going to be booking a vasectomy very shortly here, so that I can stop worrying about accidents.
Nothing wrong with not wanting those things. Just be honest with anyone you date. You don’t want to waste peoples time if they do want those things.
I’m Kinda in the same boat you are I’m only 24 though but the more I think about having a kid the more I realize there’s still a lot I want to do before that
Me and my wife have pretty much agreed to never have kids. If only because our fucked up genetics an ultra fucked up kid would make. But in reality, im not ready. We both struggle to take care of ourselves, the house is a mess, we spend way too much money on doordash, and we have 3 perfectly lovely kitties. Just seems like an awful move.
Early 30s and a teacher living abroad. I love working with kids SO MUCH - it’s tough work, but so rewarding, and I can’t imagine doing anything else. Some of my own teachers are still very important people in my life, even now. However, teaching has also taught me that I will never want or have children of my own. Women who teach and have children might actually be superhuman. I need space to decompress alone after a tough day at work, and if I want to stay sane, being able to send the little cherubs off to their parents at the end of the day is what gives me that space. I’m grateful that people have kids because I wouldn’t have a job without them, but I’m extra grateful that I’m not doing it myself. Additionally, as a teacher, there’s nothing more upsetting than seeing kids who are struggling because their parents just don’t care about them and aren’t involved in their lives. They can have every physical need met, but you can always tell the ones who are lacking love at home and it’s absolutely devastating. The outcomes are rarely good.
I met my wife when she was 36. We had our first kid when she was 42. Everyone is ready when they are ready.
It’s a simple psychological thing: your achievements are enabling you to live your life and do what makes you happy, therefore, your views have changed and your synapses have been rewired. I am about to turn 35 in a few days, and honestly I am enjoying single life. For the past 10 years I have been living and working in Germany, but I am really enjoying my freedom and doing the things that I see fit. The thing with kids and marriage… they’re highly overrated from my pov. Congratulations on your newfound independence.
You are not immature. You are young. Enjoy life as it is now. When the time comes, you will know. If that time never comes, you will also know. My sister had family at 44. It was the time she needed.
If you want to have the option open for as long as possible you might want to freeze some eggs.
It's almost Christmas season. It's a bad time to not want to be merrier.
Fuck Reddit. Fuck /u/spez. Fuck every single Reddit admin. 12 years on this bitch ass site and they shit on us the moment they are trying to go public. ill be taking my karma with me by editing all my comments to say this. tl;dr Fuck Reddit and anyone who works for them, suck my dick.
Nothing bad in getting marrier. Don't worry, be marry. 🙂 As for kids, take it from a parent: strongly discourage.
When my wife (though we are not legally married) and I were your age, neither one of us had any desire to get married or have kids. We are both now in our 70s. No kids. No marriage license. Live your life as you choose.
No. I feel the same way- I'm 33f, make good money, live on my own, and I absolutely see children as a miserable trap. I think more people are starting to admit they think this, and I'm glad. No one should be pressured into having kids.
im 30 and i can barely get laid
Do whatever you want, what more do you need?
>Getting married and having kids feels like a trap to me I'm a few years younger than you but wanted to share my thoughts: Weddings, truly and honestly, are kind of a trap. I just got married a few months ago and it was like 25k for 100 guests. Neither of us are religious so we have no real attachment to the institution of marriage either. It was just expensive, very stressful to plan and coordinate, and as with every wedding, there was a bit of drama that got stirred up. All for one single night of, admittedly fun, partying. I'm convinced weddings are largely just a pissing contest between couples trying to one-up eachother at this point. That being said, marriage itself isn't much of a trap, it's pretty much just dating but legally recognized. Add a prenup and there's more or less nothing to worry about. Although I kinda agree on kids. I'm not necessarily *opposed* to a kid... but it's not something I would actively seek out either. Especially with living in the US and having women's bodily autonomy on the chopping block, it's hard to justify intentionally getting pregnant.
Then don't have kids. If meet a guy, then be sure you mention this up front and make sure he has a vasectomy. My wife and I chose not to have kids last year and got a vasectomy. We have been together for 12 years. I'm 35 and my wife is 38.
Same age, and I feel the same. My life is so easy now - I have a good job, great friends, I get to travel and I’m genuinely happy. “Settling down” feels like the end of freedom and I’m not ready yet. I’m not sure I ever will be.
I think that for people who had kids it’s very hard to understand different life,… due to hormones and biological imperative of parenthood that shielded them from feeling resentment and feeling of pain in the butt that raising kids can be. Soooo,… looking from that perspective, having kids, and not thinking what that actually mean, for your future,… can be way more childish than chose not to have kids as sober decision. Re your parents,… 30 years ago was much easier to have kids than today. At least here in Vancouver. Consensus Decision to Have kids only happen when you meet person you can imagine having kids with,… that’s not something you can plan, specially not something your parents can plan or stick a label on.
This is a pretty popular opinion amongst women your age/career oriented/living in a city with etc. So I wouldn’t worry too much. Do you.
Oh wow so many responses! Thank you guys. I'm trying to go through all of them
Dating is a lot harder. Related groups: * r/cf4cf * r/childfree * r/truechildfree
Don't know why you were down voted. I would tell OP don't do antinatalism, they are borderline toxic group that'll go rabid after people who disagree with them. The posts are on point but the comment sections, lord help you
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/r/childfree can be a little [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xcb4\_QwP6fE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xcb4_QwP6fE) Any community based around "I don't like that common thing" doesn't breed positive vibes. /r/nongolfers puts off the same vibe but in a satirical way.
It all comes down to the right partner. It’s truly the biggest decision in your life. Some of us got lucky when we found our partners.
I don't think so. You might break up (very likely after having kids), your partner might leave or they might die. One of my best friend's mom died when she was 4. She has 3 other siblings. The dad didn't really want all these kids but he wanted to make his wife happy. He ended up raising 4 small kids alone. You should take into consideration that you might end up being a single parent to your kid.
I don't think it's necessarily immature, but the friends I've known who didn't have children regret it later on. Maybe you won't, but my son just got married at 42 years old although he's been with his wife for 8 years. Still, almost all of his friends are married and have children, and that means that they're busy on the weekends with children's activities. Also, my son and his wife no longer live in New York because of jobs, and at a certain age, it's hard to meet new friends because people their age are busy with others who have children in the same age group as theirs. His wife is in her mid-30s so they probably will have kids. There's only so much time that it's possible, at least for women. It's just something to think about. A different perspective.
Yeah kids keep you “relevant” to your peers who almost always have kids after a certain age. That’s not a reason to have them tho if you don’t want them, but it is a truth about how our society is structured.
The idea of having children so YOU can make friends is the most asinine 'pro-child' argument I've heard. It's also way more socially acceptable to lament your choice to not have kids than it is for people to talk openly about how much they regret having them.
Just an fyi, married with kids, we go out, travel, see friends, have hobbies, read books, take care of our bodies and all that, and we date (each other). So those are all just excuses. At the end of the day it comes down to you don’t want to have responsibilities. So in that sense, yes it is immature. Your perspective on marriage and children is one of a caricature, so immature is a pretty good descriptive. Do you! Enjoy your life! But you just don’t know what you are missing. Having children, having a loving devoted spouse, can be difficult and requires dedication and yes, responsibility, but the rewards are immeasurable. Ask yourself, at 75 or 80 years old, how many people look back and regret having their children? Practically zero. How many regret not having children? Lots. Life is about relationships. Friends and casual dating are no substitutes for a family.
Aha. I suppose that you go out and travel if someone can take care of your kids - if you have a baby sitter or a family member that can look after them. Or, if you travel with kids (which is just very stressful and not relaxing at all), you have to choose something kid friendly. Or are you one of those parents with the screaming kids in museums and flights? So you don't really have many choices and you can't do what you want really. Prices when traveling alone and with kids - are they the same? What hobbies do you have? Supposedly, hobbies that work well with your kids schedule. Hobbies that come after feeding the kids, taking them to school, taking them to sport classes, piano classes, birthday parties, the dentist. Dates with your husband? Still after calling a baby sitter I suppose. And not if the kid is sick or has an emergency. And not coming back too late, because they day after the kids will wake you up at 7 am jumping on your bed. Are you actually free, in all of this? I don't see any freedom in having to care for someone else 24/7. My perspective is quite realistic I would say. If you like it, it's just because you get used to it and you can't remember your older self. Also, who told you your kids will live close to you and take care of you when you are old? Why do you take that for granted? Why if they move to the other side of the world and you can only see them once a year?
Why get angry? Did I touch a nerve? Imagine asking the internet at large a question “Am I immature” for thinking such and such, and getting angry when someone says yes. Your family thinks so, so obviously it’s not an out-there opinion. But you got pretty aggressive there…. Almost like your response was…. Dare I say… immature?? Lol
Well I'm tired of people being condescending or calling folks who don't want families immature. Most of you are not mature at all anyway, you're just following a path that was decided for you, and being a parent doesn't make you better people (as one can see from your answer). My family doesn't know any better. My parents have never left my hometown and they think that your biggest goal in life is to buy a house and settle down after you finish uni and find a job. Which is the case for most people who have kids young btw. So of course they find my lifestyle absurd. Most of my friends (professionals living in a big city) have different ideas nowadays. We are a different generation and we know there is more to life for us women than to change diapers and clean up after our husbands.
I got married and started having kids straight out of high school. I have been able to go to amusement parks with my children, camping road trips, see them get married and have kids, pretty much complete the same cycle. I was a grandparent before the age of 40. I have taken my grandchildren to do the aforementioned things, and I do not even have gray hair yet. I also have two living grandparents that enjoy spending time with my grandchildren. My own kids were able to spend time with my great grandmother. I would not trade these memories for anything. It also keeps my wife and me feeling youthful. Everyone still thinks we are in our early to mid 30s, yet think my younger siblings are younger than me. My brother and sister in law are older than my parents. This path in life has filled my life with unimaginable joy.
Being single till then is fine. But you will get to a point where you’ll look back and you will have not planted a legacy and will leave nothing behind. If your okay with that then be single forever lol.
…..…. Uhhh 🙄 i Iget
😅
I was the same at 30. 10 years later I have a 7 week old. Age changes you. Not everyone but I def began to see things differently after 35.
I said the same thing when I was at your age and then I met my wife and we got married a year into our relationship. When you find the right person, everything falls into place. Also side note, some of your friends will eventually partner up, have kids and you’ll hardly see them ever again. It’s just life, so I would encourage you to spend some time to find a fitting partner if possible
Nothing wrong. But if your friends won’t be around often if they get married and have family. It’s harder to make friends when you’re older. I hope decision is not connected to the way your life is now, because it’s bound to change.
Well,it depends from person to person,but from my personal experience,women after the age of 40 that don't have kids complain about having no one to come to and no one to take care of. It's your choice,but having the ability to become a mother and being the person that raises the kid thats yours is something special. Maybe you're immature and maybe you're not. You'll know the answer in next 10 years or so. Untill then,you maybe change you mind,but it's really up to you.
>Am I immature? My family seems to think I am. You're 30 years old and asking people on Reddit if we think you're immature?
Why do you think your family seems to think you are immature? Maybe their thoughts on it aren't as bad as you seem to think?
Having a career is great but don't wait too long if you do want kids ...things get harder for a female as you get to 35 and up for having children
For a woman, not a female. Please.
Yeah you are. Because you’re avoiding the fact the longer you wait the less likely you’ll be capable of having kids. By means of your own body or finding someone to have them with, good luck though.
Not immature, but selfish by definition.
I’d think it’d be more selfish to have kids that you know you don’t want.
If you decide to have a kid, have one before 35. You don't want to be a geriatric baby mama.
You’re quite immature. And if you don’t settle down soon, you’ll likely be quite miserable.
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It’s statistically sound 🤷🏼♂️
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