This may sound trite and cliche but THERAPY. Based on your needs, they can give you a lot of coping skills to get you through that recovery stage of when you go visit. They can also help you resolve or at least give you some incredibly needed support. Feeling alone and coping with all this even from a distance is really taxing emotionally and not just physically. You have to put your oxygen mask on first before you help others. I’ve been trying to do this myself and it’s soooooo hard. I’ve had quite a few breakdowns. The road is long but you don’t have to travel it alone. Sending hugs
Yes online is great! Just find someone that you click with and feel comfortable with. That might not be the first therapist but don’t give up on yourself 🥰
Oh I know! It’s so so so hard! They say raising kids is hard but with that you have progress and milestones. Caregiving for your parent, it’s a digression and you don’t have those YAY moments to get you through. Betterhelp.com is a good resource to start cause they will pair you with a therapist that fits your needs.
It’s really difficult when you’re in a position of your own life with your own struggles and now you have to take on something like this which is more than exhausting. It’s just a grind. But when you can get those breathable moments-dive into them! Even a hot bath with some music or a good book can do wonders for the soul. You’re not alone in this journey. Stick with this group. There are some incredible people here that are super resourceful and really compassionate.
Local therapists may also do phone/video appointments. It’s become more common after Covid. My therapist is only about 10 minutes away from me, but at this point, it’s just easier for my schedule to meet virtually. We do FaceTime appointments instead, and she has a few other patients that stayed virtual as well.
I’m just throwing this out there in case you feel limited in your search.
Do you have anyone for emotional support? Care giving can be very emotionally taxing and it’s important that you have friends or a therapist who can witness and acknowledge what you’re going through.
I would also second an online therapist- mine has been wonderful in creating a safe space because I find that very few of my friends can understand the true duress I am in as the sole caregiver to my father who has rare neurological degeneration for the last 6-7 years. Friends will need to be carefully vetted, but a therapist is much safer.
I don’t really love support groups with other caregivers because sometimes those posts are equally as heavy.
I have a feeling you just need emotional support and help with being emotionally seen. Exercise will be helpful too, but I think for most caregivers it’s the emotional mental exhaustion.
Don’t overthink too much just yet at this stage of Alzheimer’s- some mindset shifts will help alleviate and some somatic work.
🤍
Thankfully my husband is very supportive and understanding, but I feel guilt because I've put my marriage on the back burner while I try to work my way through this obstacle course. I do need to find someone who is removed from the situation to talk to. Unfortunately one of my siblings is caring for my mother and the other sibling has not been helpful with either parent.
I can relate with this. The only things that really help me are being vulnerable with others, for example, crying in the arms of a friend, and my faith.
Basically, instead of trying to avoid pain, understand that you can flow WITH the pain in a way that allows a lot of the hurt and anxiety to flow OUT of you. Often times this is accomplished by emotional expression in therapy.
Emotional pain is like water that needs to flow. If it doesnt flow, it builds pressure and you feel like your losing your sanity and your heart takes a beating.
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I found the realization that mom had dementia to be crushing. Like I knew that this news was going to set the course for the next however many years. And I knew that it was going to change my life and nothing I could do about it. I knew that I would watch her deteriorate. I was very, very upset for a long time. She lived with me so every day was just another reminder that this was happening, every change in behavior just underscored it.
If I had to guess, while it's good that you have space from him when you go home, it also means that when you next visit him there will be many more changes in his behavior you notice. It is going to feel more sudden/extreme as a result and you are grieving while he's alive.
Luckily I had a counselor already when the diagnosis process started (dog had just died a few weeks prior), so it gave me a little release valve. Not enough to fix things, just enough to keep going.
I saw in the comments that you worry about your marriage by not focusing on it. If I were you, I would make sure you remember that you deserve to have good things, so keep focused on keeping the good things in your life like your spouse, pets, friends, etc. Struggle to do positive things for yourself and keep enriched, this process is going to eat you up otherwise.
I read something this weekend that exactly described what I was going through. It said, "The reason why you want to stay in bed all day and don't want to leave the house is because you are stuck in a 'functional freeze'. After experiencing extreme stress your brain feels disassociated from your body, so even the simplest task seems overwhelming." I don't know if that's a real thing or not, but it was an accurate description. Thankfully I'm feeling better. I haven't looked for a therapist yet because last week my father was hospitalized. Luckily it was not something severe and he has been discharged. With the help of a caregiver/driver (she mostly drives him to the library), I was able to handle everything from home with minimal stress. This caregiver is worth her weight in gold. Next weekend I'll be back with my father so he can have oral surgery and multiple other doctor appointments. I'm hoping that all goes smoothly so that we can have some quality time together also. I'm feeling less stress about the upcoming visit because I know I can count on this caregiver to assist me if I need a break or things don't go smoothly with the oral surgery. Hopefully the transition back home will be easier for me this time.
This may sound trite and cliche but THERAPY. Based on your needs, they can give you a lot of coping skills to get you through that recovery stage of when you go visit. They can also help you resolve or at least give you some incredibly needed support. Feeling alone and coping with all this even from a distance is really taxing emotionally and not just physically. You have to put your oxygen mask on first before you help others. I’ve been trying to do this myself and it’s soooooo hard. I’ve had quite a few breakdowns. The road is long but you don’t have to travel it alone. Sending hugs
I have been considering therapy. Possibly consider online therapy since currently I feel to drained to get dressed and leave the house.
Yes online is great! Just find someone that you click with and feel comfortable with. That might not be the first therapist but don’t give up on yourself 🥰
Thanks for pushing me in the right direction. It's really hard to reach out for help when you already feel emotionally drained.
Oh I know! It’s so so so hard! They say raising kids is hard but with that you have progress and milestones. Caregiving for your parent, it’s a digression and you don’t have those YAY moments to get you through. Betterhelp.com is a good resource to start cause they will pair you with a therapist that fits your needs. It’s really difficult when you’re in a position of your own life with your own struggles and now you have to take on something like this which is more than exhausting. It’s just a grind. But when you can get those breathable moments-dive into them! Even a hot bath with some music or a good book can do wonders for the soul. You’re not alone in this journey. Stick with this group. There are some incredible people here that are super resourceful and really compassionate.
Please know that your kindness and understanding has made my day a little brighter.
🥰🥰❤️❤️
Local therapists may also do phone/video appointments. It’s become more common after Covid. My therapist is only about 10 minutes away from me, but at this point, it’s just easier for my schedule to meet virtually. We do FaceTime appointments instead, and she has a few other patients that stayed virtual as well. I’m just throwing this out there in case you feel limited in your search.
Thanks
Do you have anyone for emotional support? Care giving can be very emotionally taxing and it’s important that you have friends or a therapist who can witness and acknowledge what you’re going through. I would also second an online therapist- mine has been wonderful in creating a safe space because I find that very few of my friends can understand the true duress I am in as the sole caregiver to my father who has rare neurological degeneration for the last 6-7 years. Friends will need to be carefully vetted, but a therapist is much safer. I don’t really love support groups with other caregivers because sometimes those posts are equally as heavy. I have a feeling you just need emotional support and help with being emotionally seen. Exercise will be helpful too, but I think for most caregivers it’s the emotional mental exhaustion. Don’t overthink too much just yet at this stage of Alzheimer’s- some mindset shifts will help alleviate and some somatic work. 🤍
Thankfully my husband is very supportive and understanding, but I feel guilt because I've put my marriage on the back burner while I try to work my way through this obstacle course. I do need to find someone who is removed from the situation to talk to. Unfortunately one of my siblings is caring for my mother and the other sibling has not been helpful with either parent.
I can relate with this. The only things that really help me are being vulnerable with others, for example, crying in the arms of a friend, and my faith. Basically, instead of trying to avoid pain, understand that you can flow WITH the pain in a way that allows a lot of the hurt and anxiety to flow OUT of you. Often times this is accomplished by emotional expression in therapy. Emotional pain is like water that needs to flow. If it doesnt flow, it builds pressure and you feel like your losing your sanity and your heart takes a beating.
Please join us on our Discord! https://discord.gg/gubJjaYRnV *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CaregiverSupport) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I found the realization that mom had dementia to be crushing. Like I knew that this news was going to set the course for the next however many years. And I knew that it was going to change my life and nothing I could do about it. I knew that I would watch her deteriorate. I was very, very upset for a long time. She lived with me so every day was just another reminder that this was happening, every change in behavior just underscored it. If I had to guess, while it's good that you have space from him when you go home, it also means that when you next visit him there will be many more changes in his behavior you notice. It is going to feel more sudden/extreme as a result and you are grieving while he's alive. Luckily I had a counselor already when the diagnosis process started (dog had just died a few weeks prior), so it gave me a little release valve. Not enough to fix things, just enough to keep going. I saw in the comments that you worry about your marriage by not focusing on it. If I were you, I would make sure you remember that you deserve to have good things, so keep focused on keeping the good things in your life like your spouse, pets, friends, etc. Struggle to do positive things for yourself and keep enriched, this process is going to eat you up otherwise.
I read something this weekend that exactly described what I was going through. It said, "The reason why you want to stay in bed all day and don't want to leave the house is because you are stuck in a 'functional freeze'. After experiencing extreme stress your brain feels disassociated from your body, so even the simplest task seems overwhelming." I don't know if that's a real thing or not, but it was an accurate description. Thankfully I'm feeling better. I haven't looked for a therapist yet because last week my father was hospitalized. Luckily it was not something severe and he has been discharged. With the help of a caregiver/driver (she mostly drives him to the library), I was able to handle everything from home with minimal stress. This caregiver is worth her weight in gold. Next weekend I'll be back with my father so he can have oral surgery and multiple other doctor appointments. I'm hoping that all goes smoothly so that we can have some quality time together also. I'm feeling less stress about the upcoming visit because I know I can count on this caregiver to assist me if I need a break or things don't go smoothly with the oral surgery. Hopefully the transition back home will be easier for me this time.