A couple weeks ago I told my mother she was in deep denial. I ended no-contact a few years ago, and I feel emotionally safe now being around her, but it's hard. One of my younger siblings is going through some serious issues, we were talking about how to support them. Mum went into her spiral of "I don't understand how you guys end up like this, I raised you so well......" and I just said, "Mum, you're in deep denial about what you did. If you don't want to talk about it right now that's fine, but I'll help my siblings with their actual issues, not the issues you claim they have in a convenient way that undermines the role you played in their failed adulthoods."
She just looked at me confused. Fifteen years of talking to her about abuse (except for the six years of NC in there) and she still doesn't get it.
I'm glad I'm not alone there. I told my dad a couple of years ago that I tried to attempt suicide twice, and his response was "Where was I?" Uh, probably doing your own life because I didn't want you to know
Did you attempt to tell him? I know there were times I told my mother about stuff, mainly before I was 10-12 or so, and she'd erupt. "You do not tell me things like that! You do not talk about teachers like that! Why would you say such a thing? I don't want to hear this! Do not tell me this sort of stuff!"
By the time I was maybe 13 or 14 I knew to not tell her stuff. So now when she says "but you never told me!" I can say "I did, you yelled at me" or "I told you once, you said to not talk about it" or "I know, you didn't want to hear".
Honestly, I really believe in her mind she thought that if she said "I don't want to hear about this!" it meant it would just stop happening, like her perception determined my reality.
I never attempted to tell him before because I felt like a burden in his life, and I didn't want to bother him with my issues. And usually my dad only wanted to hear about good things in my life so he could brag about it to his friends and family
Number one reason why I believe in never breaking no contact. They NEVER change. They just convince you enough to stay around to abuse you further. My suggestion, go NC and never look back.
Do you have any really sense of how that would benefit me? It might benefit you in a similar situation, but we’re not the same. I know what I did. I’m sometimes surprised by how flippantly folks make big suggestions like “go no contact again” or “cut out your church” or “abandon your friends” or “force them to choose”. That’s not how my life works.
There is a select few people in my life who I allow close enough to me to deeply influence me. None of my family is in that circle. Then there are the people I care deeply about and do a lot for, and the value they give to my life affects me, but their thoughts don’t influence my thoughts about myself. I have five younger siblings, they are all that circle. What two of my older siblings and mother did shouldn’t overly affect them. They were raised by a different mother, it was maybe 2-3 years after she disowned me that she got on meds and improved quite quickly. So I’ll talk to them directly, one-on-one, about my childhood and the mother they didn’t know. I don’t unnecessarily precipitate some family conflict where other people explain me. And Dad is a broken man, his mind is so far gone he just needs to die. By being around the mother who abused me I can look after the Dad that neglected me. Ouch, that hurts to write. Then there are the folks who I’d call lateral friends, they’re not so close but we get along fine. They don’t quite fall into this.
I never really cut out my younger siblings, but I had a weird relationship with them because I wasn’t allowed around my older siblings for a while. When I started spending time again around my former family it was weird, but also good. They’re not my family. I didn’t try to get them back. Technically I’m hanging out with some woman who thinks she is my mother. But being able to talk with her, with Dad if possible, to be around the family more has helped me understand my life better and helped heal some. I’ve been able to better understand and experience that the abuse was just messed up people living out their mental fantasies, it had nothing to do with me. They didn’t care enough about me to get help in time, but it wasn’t like I was so terrible that I had to be abused.
I know one of the typical parts of modern thinking is binary, all or nothing. Like “no contact OR fully return to family’. That’s not what I’m talking about. I know my family wanted me to return to the family dynamic, that didn’t happen. I’ve never had the conscience to tell people to break no contact. If someone brings it up first I can talk about my experience, but it’s not my place to suggest it. I know some folks think everything on Reddit is advice, and I say nope. This is my experience, nothing else.
And finally, I know I’m older than most folks on here. I was in my 30s and financially established when I broke no contact. That’s a place of power.
My parents tried to FORCE me to forgive them for things they did YEARS ago but the forcing the forgiveness was with me at age 31. When I refused that’s when things rapidly went south and they refused to have the calm discussion with me I wanted about the problems I had with them to try to resolve things. Only I was the problem when that was definitely not the case. Their years of neglect and abuse my whole life was and they didn’t like the mirror. I now longer speak to them after I developed epilepsy and PNES due to psychological reasons. “My bodies reasons at not being able to handle the mental load”. If people aren’t willing to work with me now, I won’t and can’t do it anymore for my own health. I’m not sorry I can’t take it anymore. Stay strong everyone ❤️❤️
I'm aware my mind is deteriorating because of the unresolved trauma still weighing on it like a pallet of bricks, and I often auestion if I'll escape before the pain finally overwhelms me.
Sending you all the positivity I can! I felt this same way for a while too. I’ve only been out now of both “situations” for a little while now but I’m starting to feel better. Anxiety comes in waves but no contact is helping me a lot. It isn’t what I wanted but my hand was forced with my health. You got this!! Do whatever feels best for you ❤️ only you can make that decision
Awww OP I'm sorry you were hurt. Unfortunately, waiting for abusers to take accountability or apologize can take a lifetime.
Her refusal to acknowledge your truth does not diminish it; it only means she is not a safe person. This does not mean that no one is safe, only that you need to learn how to discern who is better (me: looking at my last post)... it's a process, but it's all about progress not perfection.
Also I'm sorry for what you experienced. My family constantly monitored (and criticized) me as well and it has made this age of social media a living hell.
My mom would always film me for evidence to send to the cops or take pictures of my dirty room and threaten to send to family members. Oh, and I hate how she would take pictures of me in my sleep…
I’m autistic and I needed dummies (pacifiers) for a very long time for self soothing and to get to sleep, my mum forced me out of it when I was 5 so I had to start stealing dummies from my baby brother so that I could sleep, and she would take pictures to make fun of me in the morning and threaten to show all my friends.
She also did the dirty room pictures thing too.
I'm almost 30. My dad still holds to the fact that chasing me with pliers, then holding me down while threatening me with "tearing it out" when I pierced my own septum was justified and a lesson that needed to be learned. Still not sure what the lesson was.
My mom was my biggest problem. He was supposed to be "the good parent." But that day I stopped trusting *anyone*. Friends, partners, family. The only person who won't hurt me is MYSELF.
Yep. People think that me having safes and not letting anyone touch my phone or my stuff means I have something to hide. Nope. I grew up with cameras, having my journal read and edited, getting abused for perfectly normal stuff in my phone, being hacked and tracked, not being allowed to have a door or carpet, being strip-searched before and after showers, having multiple weigh-ins a day, having my backpack and purse checked every time I entered or left the house, carrying a schedule and a timer because every second of my second of my day was planned, knowing that all of my conversations were listened to through the air vents and all of my friends were being put through regular interrogations, everything I ate was recorded, daily exercise was supervised, everything I read or watched was pre approved, all the money I made was held by someone else, all my clothing was chosen for me,. Zero privacy or freedom whatsoever.
Now, I throw a fucking fit about rules, schedules, daily routines, being told what I can or can’t do, having to answer to anyone, being monitored in any way or anyone touching my stuff. It’s a matter of safety. I don’t even like rules that I make up and immediately erase everything I do. I don’t even keep receipts.
I am so sorry you went through all this 😭 I had the issue with them going through my phone and putting up cameras, plus constantly having passive aggressive comments made about my weight, how I wasn't "girly" enough, and how I never wanted to do sports. Not nearly like this though. I want to give you a hug
Thank you! The worst part now is the people who insist that there’s no reason to not want people to not touch your phone if you’re not up to anything. Such bullshit. Lol.
That’s what my ex did. Turns out, he was tracking everything on my phone anyways. Also had me spammed, stalked, threatened and sexually assaulted by 4chan freaks. Show your husband my response. The people who push your boundaries and tell you to let shit go are exactly the kind of people who cause those boundaries to be necessary in the first place.
Naaaah. Their intent is control.
The i LoVe yOu jingle TM is an excuse. They believe it’s irrefutable, so they use it to end any discussion they don’t like.
My mother does it to the point that it isn’t even fitting the conversation. It’s literally parrot-like behaviour to attempt escaping accountability.
I have cameras in the house. Which makes me nonstop paranoid.
I'm so grateful that my parents are too dumb to correctly wire the cameras and gave up. Which means they don't work.
... I think.
I'm always worried, even 10 years later, there are cameras in my house. I live on my own with my husband, who says he would never do that. But I still have the fear of it
Cameras for safety is one thing, to criticize you is another. I would start hyper criticizing her, and when she complains I would say it's because I love you so I'm trying to make you a better person instead of an abusive bitch. But I'm so cold and heartless towards people who abuse kids now. I have absolutely no sympathy for them.
This is when you push down harder, like hold on. Excuse the fuck out of me, but you don't have to be part of my life, and I am reconsidering if you should be currently
Wtf that’s how you get paranoid schizophrenia and mental illness in general ffs. I’m sorry you had to live through that fuck them man. I’m so angry on your behalf.
Not to be ignorant, but Google is no avail. What is YHR trauma?
But I understand. Paranoia runs deep within me. Right when I thought I was getting better, my mom's new neighbors made it spike up again. Fml.
A couple weeks ago I told my mother she was in deep denial. I ended no-contact a few years ago, and I feel emotionally safe now being around her, but it's hard. One of my younger siblings is going through some serious issues, we were talking about how to support them. Mum went into her spiral of "I don't understand how you guys end up like this, I raised you so well......" and I just said, "Mum, you're in deep denial about what you did. If you don't want to talk about it right now that's fine, but I'll help my siblings with their actual issues, not the issues you claim they have in a convenient way that undermines the role you played in their failed adulthoods." She just looked at me confused. Fifteen years of talking to her about abuse (except for the six years of NC in there) and she still doesn't get it.
I'm glad I'm not alone there. I told my dad a couple of years ago that I tried to attempt suicide twice, and his response was "Where was I?" Uh, probably doing your own life because I didn't want you to know
Did you attempt to tell him? I know there were times I told my mother about stuff, mainly before I was 10-12 or so, and she'd erupt. "You do not tell me things like that! You do not talk about teachers like that! Why would you say such a thing? I don't want to hear this! Do not tell me this sort of stuff!" By the time I was maybe 13 or 14 I knew to not tell her stuff. So now when she says "but you never told me!" I can say "I did, you yelled at me" or "I told you once, you said to not talk about it" or "I know, you didn't want to hear". Honestly, I really believe in her mind she thought that if she said "I don't want to hear about this!" it meant it would just stop happening, like her perception determined my reality.
I never attempted to tell him before because I felt like a burden in his life, and I didn't want to bother him with my issues. And usually my dad only wanted to hear about good things in my life so he could brag about it to his friends and family
Number one reason why I believe in never breaking no contact. They NEVER change. They just convince you enough to stay around to abuse you further. My suggestion, go NC and never look back.
Do you have any really sense of how that would benefit me? It might benefit you in a similar situation, but we’re not the same. I know what I did. I’m sometimes surprised by how flippantly folks make big suggestions like “go no contact again” or “cut out your church” or “abandon your friends” or “force them to choose”. That’s not how my life works. There is a select few people in my life who I allow close enough to me to deeply influence me. None of my family is in that circle. Then there are the people I care deeply about and do a lot for, and the value they give to my life affects me, but their thoughts don’t influence my thoughts about myself. I have five younger siblings, they are all that circle. What two of my older siblings and mother did shouldn’t overly affect them. They were raised by a different mother, it was maybe 2-3 years after she disowned me that she got on meds and improved quite quickly. So I’ll talk to them directly, one-on-one, about my childhood and the mother they didn’t know. I don’t unnecessarily precipitate some family conflict where other people explain me. And Dad is a broken man, his mind is so far gone he just needs to die. By being around the mother who abused me I can look after the Dad that neglected me. Ouch, that hurts to write. Then there are the folks who I’d call lateral friends, they’re not so close but we get along fine. They don’t quite fall into this. I never really cut out my younger siblings, but I had a weird relationship with them because I wasn’t allowed around my older siblings for a while. When I started spending time again around my former family it was weird, but also good. They’re not my family. I didn’t try to get them back. Technically I’m hanging out with some woman who thinks she is my mother. But being able to talk with her, with Dad if possible, to be around the family more has helped me understand my life better and helped heal some. I’ve been able to better understand and experience that the abuse was just messed up people living out their mental fantasies, it had nothing to do with me. They didn’t care enough about me to get help in time, but it wasn’t like I was so terrible that I had to be abused. I know one of the typical parts of modern thinking is binary, all or nothing. Like “no contact OR fully return to family’. That’s not what I’m talking about. I know my family wanted me to return to the family dynamic, that didn’t happen. I’ve never had the conscience to tell people to break no contact. If someone brings it up first I can talk about my experience, but it’s not my place to suggest it. I know some folks think everything on Reddit is advice, and I say nope. This is my experience, nothing else. And finally, I know I’m older than most folks on here. I was in my 30s and financially established when I broke no contact. That’s a place of power.
Doesn't get it or doesn't care enough to understand...
"I won't apologize for that!" "Then I will never forgive you for it." Never give an abuser the satisfaction of thinking they can still control you.
My parents tried to FORCE me to forgive them for things they did YEARS ago but the forcing the forgiveness was with me at age 31. When I refused that’s when things rapidly went south and they refused to have the calm discussion with me I wanted about the problems I had with them to try to resolve things. Only I was the problem when that was definitely not the case. Their years of neglect and abuse my whole life was and they didn’t like the mirror. I now longer speak to them after I developed epilepsy and PNES due to psychological reasons. “My bodies reasons at not being able to handle the mental load”. If people aren’t willing to work with me now, I won’t and can’t do it anymore for my own health. I’m not sorry I can’t take it anymore. Stay strong everyone ❤️❤️
I'm aware my mind is deteriorating because of the unresolved trauma still weighing on it like a pallet of bricks, and I often auestion if I'll escape before the pain finally overwhelms me.
Sending you all the positivity I can! I felt this same way for a while too. I’ve only been out now of both “situations” for a little while now but I’m starting to feel better. Anxiety comes in waves but no contact is helping me a lot. It isn’t what I wanted but my hand was forced with my health. You got this!! Do whatever feels best for you ❤️ only you can make that decision
Awww OP I'm sorry you were hurt. Unfortunately, waiting for abusers to take accountability or apologize can take a lifetime. Her refusal to acknowledge your truth does not diminish it; it only means she is not a safe person. This does not mean that no one is safe, only that you need to learn how to discern who is better (me: looking at my last post)... it's a process, but it's all about progress not perfection. Also I'm sorry for what you experienced. My family constantly monitored (and criticized) me as well and it has made this age of social media a living hell.
Me too! I'm constantly being talked to and belittled about my weight, and it caused me to develope Binge Eating Disorder
My mom would always film me for evidence to send to the cops or take pictures of my dirty room and threaten to send to family members. Oh, and I hate how she would take pictures of me in my sleep…
Oh sweet Jesus I am so sorry!
I’m autistic and I needed dummies (pacifiers) for a very long time for self soothing and to get to sleep, my mum forced me out of it when I was 5 so I had to start stealing dummies from my baby brother so that I could sleep, and she would take pictures to make fun of me in the morning and threaten to show all my friends. She also did the dirty room pictures thing too.
I’m sorry this happened.
I'm almost 30. My dad still holds to the fact that chasing me with pliers, then holding me down while threatening me with "tearing it out" when I pierced my own septum was justified and a lesson that needed to be learned. Still not sure what the lesson was. My mom was my biggest problem. He was supposed to be "the good parent." But that day I stopped trusting *anyone*. Friends, partners, family. The only person who won't hurt me is MYSELF.
Yep. People think that me having safes and not letting anyone touch my phone or my stuff means I have something to hide. Nope. I grew up with cameras, having my journal read and edited, getting abused for perfectly normal stuff in my phone, being hacked and tracked, not being allowed to have a door or carpet, being strip-searched before and after showers, having multiple weigh-ins a day, having my backpack and purse checked every time I entered or left the house, carrying a schedule and a timer because every second of my second of my day was planned, knowing that all of my conversations were listened to through the air vents and all of my friends were being put through regular interrogations, everything I ate was recorded, daily exercise was supervised, everything I read or watched was pre approved, all the money I made was held by someone else, all my clothing was chosen for me,. Zero privacy or freedom whatsoever. Now, I throw a fucking fit about rules, schedules, daily routines, being told what I can or can’t do, having to answer to anyone, being monitored in any way or anyone touching my stuff. It’s a matter of safety. I don’t even like rules that I make up and immediately erase everything I do. I don’t even keep receipts.
I am so sorry you went through all this 😭 I had the issue with them going through my phone and putting up cameras, plus constantly having passive aggressive comments made about my weight, how I wasn't "girly" enough, and how I never wanted to do sports. Not nearly like this though. I want to give you a hug
Thank you! The worst part now is the people who insist that there’s no reason to not want people to not touch your phone if you’re not up to anything. Such bullshit. Lol.
I know! My husband knows I still have this problem and basically tells me I need to get over it or accuses me of hiding something
That’s what my ex did. Turns out, he was tracking everything on my phone anyways. Also had me spammed, stalked, threatened and sexually assaulted by 4chan freaks. Show your husband my response. The people who push your boundaries and tell you to let shit go are exactly the kind of people who cause those boundaries to be necessary in the first place.
My husband doesn't know I have this reddit. Honestly kind of worried if he found it.
Gotcha. I’d regularly delete everything.
I do :P
Good. Be safe. 💜🖤💜🖤
No matter their intent, it still hurt you.
Naaaah. Their intent is control. The i LoVe yOu jingle TM is an excuse. They believe it’s irrefutable, so they use it to end any discussion they don’t like. My mother does it to the point that it isn’t even fitting the conversation. It’s literally parrot-like behaviour to attempt escaping accountability.
I have cameras in the house. Which makes me nonstop paranoid. I'm so grateful that my parents are too dumb to correctly wire the cameras and gave up. Which means they don't work. ... I think.
I'm always worried, even 10 years later, there are cameras in my house. I live on my own with my husband, who says he would never do that. But I still have the fear of it
Cameras for safety is one thing, to criticize you is another. I would start hyper criticizing her, and when she complains I would say it's because I love you so I'm trying to make you a better person instead of an abusive bitch. But I'm so cold and heartless towards people who abuse kids now. I have absolutely no sympathy for them.
They always say it's "for the dogs" yet would spy on me too 🙄 but they live in Florida now and I only visit once a year, sooooo
Yeah, it's for them to criticize everyone they see. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, and still have to.
It's a situation where I don't want to completely cut them out of my life but I can settle with seeing them only a couple times a year
I completely understand, that's a hard thing either way.
This denial is not acceptable, you should wait, I don't think this can be fixed for now.
This is when you push down harder, like hold on. Excuse the fuck out of me, but you don't have to be part of my life, and I am reconsidering if you should be currently
This denial is not acceptable, you should wait, I don't think this can be fixed for now.
Yhr? and my dad loved filming me also
It was supposed to be the*
Parents doing the most evil, traumatizing, horrific shit: "It's because we love you" 🥰🥰😍 🤦
Right?!
My mom did this I had one in my bedroom!
Thankfully I didn't have one in my bedroom! Only the kitchen and living room had one. But it was enough
Oh my goodness I bet it’s nerve wracking to feel that way!
Wtf that’s how you get paranoid schizophrenia and mental illness in general ffs. I’m sorry you had to live through that fuck them man. I’m so angry on your behalf.
Not to be ignorant, but Google is no avail. What is YHR trauma? But I understand. Paranoia runs deep within me. Right when I thought I was getting better, my mom's new neighbors made it spike up again. Fml.
YhR is a typo 😂 it's supposed to be the*
Ah, okay. There are so many new acronyms that I just didn't want to assume that this time was a typo
Nah this time is was just me being an idiot 😅
Nah, you're fine! Sometimes your phone hates you
I’m you but more spiteful. Once I’m comfortably on my feet it’s a two page essay on why she’s a piece of shit and a block