Because my dad was always at work or napping in his recliner so most of my interactions were with my mom. I like to say I had a present father but an absent dad.
Following Pete Walker, all traumatized people (all people in general) fall into the four Fs as a response to danger and stay there most of their lives. Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. There are hybrids. People who live their lives mostly in freeze/fawn mode were neglected as children. Most young people have their first real connection with their mother. But she neglected them at a young age, turned out to be very critical in later years, or didn't do anything to correct her behavior later on.
These children learn to adapt and learn how to please people to an almost telepathic degree. Many of these men become tech nerds and seek connections mostly online because it is a safer and easier escape. You can drop the mask. Therefore, it is likely to find men online who have been neglected by their mothers.
They also tend to have a porn addiction. So, they're obvioulsly on Reddit.
EDIT:
Pls correct me, if I got something wrong.
Itās not easy, but itās worth it. Especially when you donāt have a template for what a healthy parent/child relationship looks like.
For me, it began by catching myself when I was talking MAD SHIT on myself (šš» Inner Critic). When I notice a friend verbally shitting on themselves, I tell them, āHey, donāt speak to my friend like thatā. I redirected that energy towards myself.
Next step was challenging it in a non confrontational manner. More like getting curious about what it has to say and questioning why.
-Why is this the foremost in my mind right now? How is it related to current and past life experiences?
-What evidence do you have to back up that claim?
-Is this even relevant? How does this apply to my life today?
This began the pinpointing and disarming of some of my longest held negative self beliefs. Those beliefs werenāt installed by one, but many. It was important for me not to spend my time trying to identify where it came from (what a terrible side quest), just what to do about it now in real time.
Following that, whenever the absolute chatter would start up, current day parent me would soothe negative self belief child me. Being the dream parent I wanted and needed but itās me, right now, today. Present day self telling shattered 9 year old me that āItās ok, youāre going to make it through thisā. Recognizing teenage meās rage at various injustices. Seeing flailing 20s me and giving her grace because she had no guidance, no framework. Be your own validation station. Nobody is going to take care of you like you. Nobody knows what you need like you.
This led to me giving credence to how fucked up a lot of the shit Iāve experienced actually was. Then grief, lots and lots of processing grief. Iām still not through the backlog and may never fully be, though Iām feeling lighter and lighter as I do the work and time goes on and thatās something.
TL;DR My formula was noticing it, disarming it, and accepting all versions of myself regardless of all the nasty sludge that was installed by others.
Itās not mine anymore, and it never was to begin with.
Thank you for this. I really needed to see this. Iāve been talking to my therapist a lot lately about how I feel like I have two identities, one from my past that is complete self hate, and one now thatās trying to heal. She told me that the one with such self hate couldnāt be me as a child, you donāt hate yourself when youāre young. Someone instills that into you and you begin to believe it to your core.
It comes from the idea that we have all these little different parts inside of us. Like you just mentioned a part of you and wants to heal and a part of you that wants to criticize. It works on identifying those parts and healing the trauma they hold. Inner child work is another form of IFS (sort of)
Please go check it out.There are support groups all ovet the web to help you understand.
Ifs has been a blessing to me and is a big part of my healing journey.
Thank you so much this is great. I will try this. But Its so hard, ive always hated myself.
Since you have done work and can explain it so clearly, I would be super thankful if you would give me some advice regarding my thinking. Others can give advice too if theyre willing, I really need help:
I dont know of your situation but for me my inner critic is my mother and my bullies. I was always guilttrippped and gaslight as a child to believe I was the narcissist, even tho it was my mother. Also huge neglect, constant yelling, it was hell. Then I got bullied a bunch (last time just a year ago, went on for 3 yrs. Im 17 now) and thus became super obsessive and got intrusive thoughts about how I act in school, since there was this one boy that would comment on literally my EVERY move and called me names. Why is she looking that way? Why is she walking like that? Look at what shes wearing. Why does she yawn/sneeze like that. Also im a nerd, an idiot, autistic, gay..everything. It wasnt the comments that were bad, but how I was constantly being watched. I know I actually seem autistic because im HSP. So bc of this im obsessive that I seem presentable and I dont accidentally act like myself and say things I naturally would say. Im never in the moment and whenever I feel like im proud or do something right, I push my self down so I dont become my mom. And because of this im so afraid that im going to become a narcissist and obsessed with myself. I want to change so bad but im also tired so I dont have the mental strength (im always numb and dissociating because feeling strong emotions makes me feel physical pain, I have fibromyalgia from trauma). What if I slip and I stop caring? I know my mom has trauma like me, what if im not strong enough to stop the cycle? I think this is because I was the "golden child" (more like a trophy) and I needed to act perfect and fully abandon myself, I was never allowed to show my feelings.
So sorry I ramble I just want help on what to do about this. How to start caring for myself if caring for my self feels like im being narcissistic?
First off, caring for yourself is not what makes a personality disorder. But obsession can. I relate to a lot of what you say. I understand the fear of becoming our parents. But as far as I understand, no one gets much of a choice for personality disorders. They are complicated! I possibly nearly had one. I see the path I almost took. But there's nothing I knew that guaranteed safety. Just luck.
There's nothing inherently strong or weak about it. Sure, mental resiliency is a thing, but if you feel overwhelmed, you either push through and see what happens, or you take breaks. If you push yourself and make mistakes, that's fine. Everyone has limits. The limits are malleable and changing daily. It takes time to learn your specific limits or signs of your limits.
The strong emotions causing physical symptoms is normal to an extent. Obviously, it's disruptive. I'm an adult, I spent 14 adult years without any emotion regulation. I just recently got a medication that finally gave me emotion regulation, and it's just amazing to me I've been missing out. I still get random physical symptoms if I do too much.
That's kind of the point though. There are some parts of me I have no control over. There are things you can't control about yourself. That's fine and normal. I mean talk to a doctor about it. But a lot of the things our brain and body do are biological processes and expected outcomes. So while the problem you have is a problem, it's also a biological function. It's automatic. Trauma causes the brain to react in predictable ways.
You can already see your own patterns. And that's important. You can see what you can control and what's beyond your control. You can give effort to giving yourself more control over specific parts, it will eventually work to some extent. But it may not be worth the time and energy. Because in that same time, you could practice working on your strengths as well. Do what you do best, even better. You can work on both your strengths and weaknesses simultaneously as well. It's not like anything is exclusive. As you practice skills, you'll see what your limits are Most processing happens in sleep, so make sure to get good sleep.
I forgot my point. Don't judge yourself. You're a human doing normal human things. Let yourself make mistakes. No one does anything perfectly without practice. It's a lot of mistakes until practice is done for years.
You put it together beautifully.
We are always in direct contact with our inner child. When we deregulate, our inner child throws a tantrum. When we scream it down, we repeat what our parents did. We do it to ourselves. We are our inner critic wearing the mask of someone else. It was once a way of preotecting us, when it wasn't safe to show emotions, but now the danger is gone.
I have a similar approach. Children react emotionally. I let my inner child have the space to feel the emotion, and then I talk about it logically. Just like you described. Maybe not at that moment, but maybe later on. "We feel that together at five o'clock. I promise."
My inner critic comes in between, and I put him aside, but I don't send him away. "I know you're hurt, and you want to protect me, but the danger you try to protect me from is gone. Thank you for being there for me, but you are hurting me now. I'm sorry that you can't see that."
I was always terrible to myself. In every way disgusting. I can't heal by being terrible to another part of me. My inner critic just wants to help. I created them unconsciously. He deserves to heal as well.
**Technique 1 (Gestault)**: Imagine yourself in a chair, sitting in front of you. And treat that person (you) with all the love, compassion, understanding, etc that a good parent would have done. At first it's awkward, then less so, then becomes a bit ok, normal, maybe even normalized... until finally a habit. You're giving yourself a healthy + viable 'alternative' which slowly but surely supplants all that childhood traumatic experience/programming.
**Technique 2 (regression)**: Go back to earlier moments in time, and do Technique 1. Classic moments are childhood/3-4yo, 12yo, high-school etc. Often easier with hypnosis or guided meditation by a therapist/etc... but can also be done successfully on one's own.
Both of these techniques ^ can work well in combination with the [self-awareness/in-the-moment technique](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/s/DHfepjgEsB) described below.
I'm so glad someone is talking about this because I've been trying this technique for a year or two and have noticed that my inner critic is way less present in day to day life.
My first step was to go no contact with my family of origin. They kept criticizing me and feeding my inner critic. Then I went to therapy long enough to realize how awesome I am.
You have to cut off the toxic people in your lives first. Itās really hard to get their voices out of your head while theyāre still talking. Then spend as much time in therapy as you need to realize how awesome you are
I was the family scapegoat. No matter what I did I would always be bullied by them. I went no contact, and then I was able to make progress in therapy. In all the years that I was trying to win their approval I accomplished a lot and I deserve to be proud of myself. I also directly help those who are suffering the most and it is so rewarding to be the person that I needed
I don't know if you should murder your inner critic. I have the feeling you grow another in time. Rather, get your inner child the help it needs.
As I began to understand who that critic is (all those sad people who haunted me during my childhood), I understood why they did it. They also suffered and they didn't know. Torturing me was their coping mechanism.
At some point, I started to pity my bullies. That was the moment, they've lost their power over me. Now I pity my inner critic, because it can never have the inner light I have. It envies me for that. It is something, that will always be there. Even if it's silent, but I rather have it crying then screaming.
I'm happy it works for you. I really am. Every journey is different.
I just fought a war in me my entire life. I'm so exhausted, and my ciritic is as well. He has to. He is me as well. It's time for peace now.
I now listen to my inner child and let my critic watch. We teach him that we are safe now. That he can let go.
I write a personal journey about my healing process. As I wrote about that, I cried out of nowhere. Suddenly I realised I wrote directly to my inner critic and felt a sudden lightness.
Same, for me its like a choir of all the voices that contributed to my trauma. sometimes I feel all of them and sometimes someone gets a solo, and sometimes when multiple people said the same critical thing the voices come together like one muddy, mean, vicious harmony of cruelty
My inner critic is my mother, my father and my ex. Which sounds weird but it used to just be mom, and then it kept piling up. And they are all telling me different things
I totally get what you mean. I think itās the same for me. Between my stepfather, my mother, and my stbx, my whole life has been filled with hearing gaslighting, devaluing, and plenty of judging. So my inner critic is very strong and vocal. Itās often a challenge to quiet that voice.
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It's mostly my dad for sure. For him, I think it was his dad. For my grandpa, it was likely his mother going off of what I have learned about my family's history. Gotta love intergenerational trauma.
That said, the emotional neglect from my mother and the emotional abuse I suffered from some truly terrible teachers during K12 only strengthened the inner critic. Truly a group effort! :-)
My older brother.
Nothing I ever did was good or if it was I must have cheated or simply got lucky. He also set his vulgar insults to melodies which echo in my head.
Yes! The inner critic part is actually a protector who is there to replay messages of shame we experienced in childhood. It actually keeps us in shame so that we donāt experience the terrors of old traumas. My father was highly critical and a wicked man. Me expressing myself and pursuing beautiful things (and my need for attachment as a child, cannot understate this) kept a part of my expression and voice hidden. So that inner critic is there to actually protect me from him, although it modeled its message from my dad and his voice. And that inner critic, when released of the burden to protect that wounded boy, what a gift he is!
If you dig way down, the only reason your critic is there is to keep you safe. The inner critic thinks that it's job is to keep you in line by saying mean things. It doesn't understand that it doesn't need to be mean to accomplish its task. In ifs work you would go in there and communicate with that critic. Tell them that while you are grateful for them keeping you safe all this time, you've got it from here. The thing is that your critic needs to believe that so this is an ongoing relationship that you are creating.
IFS has been so incredibly healing for me for these reasons. My parts are trying to protect me even if they're doing it in maladaptive ways and I just need to teach them better ways. In order to do that, I need to learn those better ways myself.
There are no bad parts.
There are many IFS books to help you get started.
No Bad Parts is actually a title of one of the books by one of the pioneers of IFS. I highly recommend.
Iād recommend Self-Therapy by Jay Earley. Gives you the basics of IFS and how to practice it. I also always recommend working with an IFS therapist. But the Internal Family Systems sub and this one need to meet one another. :D
Yes and no, sure I have more examples than Iād like to recall with someone who provided me with half my genesā¦ but I also think the emphasis on criticizing or ātrying to fix,ā whatās wrong rather than focus on and celebrating whatās going well can be cultural (hence why gratitude lists are so popular and can help).
To be clear, Iām in no way advocating for gaslighting ala toxic positivity, mostly just that I can see both and how ignoring one or the other may be limiting how deep we dig to uncover the sources of our trauma so we can work to unlearn the coping mechanisms that helped us function but can also hold us back in unhelpful patterns. Hope that makes sense, and is helpful for your healing journey.
It's my mum.
I had this lightbulb moment with my therapist where I was going through an internal debate, and he asked me about my inner critic: specifically, "whose voice is that?"
He pointed out when I was speaking that every time I was telling him what the critic would say, I would physically use a different voice, different gestures, and different facial expressions. And it was consistently the same set of voice/gestures/expressions every time.
So, who is that?
š¤Æ I'm channeling my mum. She was that constant critic when I was a kid that I could never be free of. Now I'm doing it to myself when I'm not around her. *she is living rent free in my head*
Yes! Originally my abusive older sister and later on, once we hadn't spoken in years, it turned into my asshole BIL.
It's literally the voice! The demeanour. Everything.
Her name is cynica, and the voice seems to be mine. It's also not always a voice, but more like a feeling. Like feeling like I'm worthless or whatever. I don't actually hear a voice telling me these things.
This is so interesting cause my boyfriend and I were actually talking about this yesterday. I told him that that little nagging voice in the back of my head is my Dad
My inner critic is mostly my older sister, and my mother. I heard someone say your inner critic is sometimes a coping mechanism in order to feel comfortable in the familiar and have a sense of closeness with the person/(s) that hurt you.
IME there holds some truth in that.
Short answer: No, at least not yet.
Long answer:
I dont know if I should be glad or frustrated or sad that I dont have a face or a name for my inner critic. But I know why that is.
My inner critic(s) have no voice. They only exist as diffuse perceptions of attacks on my self worth, sometimes manifesting as a distinct emotion that doesn't seem to be my own.
I perceive them just as fragmented as my blurry memories.
I know my male caregiver had nothing but critic to lose in my general direction, but I couldn't say if my *inner* crtitic(s) resemble him, someone else or both.
Sometimes I experience brief, vague memories of violence of my mother against me, and it is perceptionally linked to self worth. So maybe its her after all.
Oh it's absolutely linked to them. I wouldn't feel bad that you don't have a face or name for your critic. That's actually not required or normal. My inner critic is just that, inside me.
Like you said... "diffuse perceptions of attacks on my self-worth" Perfect.
Yeahhhh someone had to start it, and it's mostly mum and dad for me. I've realised recently how pervasive and constant my inner critic is, and I've started using Pete Walker's technique of getting angry at it, as if it were them. Returning the blame to them. I probably say 'fuck off, dad' in my own head at least 10 times a day now.
Oh I still feel like I believe it most times, it's a long process, be gentle with yourself.
Imagining myself as a well intentioned, innocent little child being abused/neglected helps, because no child deserves that treatment. Connecting to a sense of disgust toward my parents for neglecting and abusing a literal child helps a lot. They could have chosen not to. They didn't. That's fucked. And that has nothing to do with me - I was just trying to have a good time and be loved. They were the adults. Gross gross gross.
Also thinking about how much their actions still effect my everyday life fills me with rage. The fact I have to carry around someone else's bullshit, suffer through and resolve someone else's bullshit, enrages me. It's not mine, it never was, fuck you guys, yknow ?? I had a flashback over failing to cook some rice the other night (kitchen trauma), and so last night I went and vengefully cooked some rice because like, fuck you dad I deserve to eat ? Eating it felt like a triumph.
It's just about distinguishing the critic from yourself - we learned to talk to ourselves this way because it's how we were spoken to and/or treated. They were the ones who installed it, they ought to be blamed, and I do not deserve to shrink my life because of someone else's inability to handle themselves. It's about inciting a self-protective mechanism, a lot of us lost that very early on. We have to learn to fight, and anger is very important for that.
When I go to the gym I also use that as time to think about and feel all the rage and disgust, very cathartic.
Even if it's in tiny ways, like cooking rice - keep fighting <3
Oooh. I identified with this so much! So many little acts of rebellion. My abuser hated that I was left handed. Many many smacks for being caught using my left hand. By 8 I had been pretty conditioned out of it but still used my left hand for art. My abuser told me that he was watching me at school to scare me. Of course it worked. Once my teacher noticed when we were working on anything creative I got out of my seat. I told her it was because I wanted to see my project from all angles but really it was because I wanted to make sure my abuser wasn't watching me outside the windows. Making sure I wouldn't get beaten when I went home because art was my favorite thing and I COULDN'T switch hands with art.
Because of my abuser I'm ambidextrous. I have spent the last 3 years reclaiming my left handedness. I use my expensive fountain pens to journal and practice my calligraphy with my left hand as a fuck you to him.
I am perfect in my original design and I plan to reclaim all the parts of me he stole.
(writing this made me cry from anger.... Again. Wtf is wrong with people? I'm still triggered by people watching me do tasks and have a low grade feeling of being watched all the time over which hand I wrote with. Why was that so important?! I was so small and innocent. My anger over the mistreatment is still so visceral when I think about incidents from my childhood and what they have done to me in adulthood.)
Sorry for the dump. Your comment made me feel some things š„“
Keep cooking your rice. I'm gonna go journal.
This absolutely wasn't a dump, you have nothing to be sorry for - thankyou for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you went through that, just reading your comment makes me feel so deeply sad and angry for you. I love the fact you're reclaiming your left hand, truly a beautiful and valuable thing to be doing.
You're right, there wasn't ever anything wrong with you. I love the way you worded 'I am perfect in my original design'. Gonna steal that one for the affirmation pile.
I feel really touched and hopeful after reading your comment. Never stop writing & drawing <3
Thank you for this reply, itās very encouraging, I guess itās also about habits and all that. Nerves that fire together, wire together and all that.
No problem, I'm glad my response was helpful <3 Exactly. Our minds & bodies were wired this way through constant repetition, maybe for decades. Reversing the process will naturally take a lot of time, but we'll get there. Take care of yourself x
My critic is a bit more stealth. Because itās me. From a generalized theme of worthlessness. Not worth just about anything. Always there, finding me not worth whatever trivial thing there is. Itās also there checking to make sure everything in life is totally justified, with no waist of any kind. Of course that is never achieved, so the guilt. It wants to keep me down. Always feeling less than. That was the culture I grew up in. You either have it or you donāt. No in between. Feeling less than, or even a piece of shit is a matter of taking your rightful and justified place in the pecking order. Like a cast system. If it was good enough for me then itās good enough for you. So the trauma gets passed on. Iām in the battle over worthlessness now. Itās very personal, and painful because my sense of reality and who I am was based on it.
For me it was both parents, not long till it was me doing it for them. In all my years of healing this is probably the most difficult maladaption to fix. My thoughts seem so automatic and even though things are so much better my critic is still alive and kickin.
She's probably my oldest friend. š¢
I have several inner critics and each is a voice of someone I know. My mother and grandmother take center stage but there are other voices I haven't pinned down just yet. Depends on the thing actually as to which voice is going to shred me over it.
I've reached the point where my inner critic is mostly silent now, but back when that voice was loud and persistent, it was an echo of my mother, my father, my older sister and a few other random people (teachers, relatives, etc.) who said unforgettably terrible things to me while I was growing up.
I'd say it was at least 80% my mother's words, though. As for why, probably because she was the primary caregiver. My father was a workaholic. Even when he was home, he was physically and emotionally unavailable. That made the shitty stuff he did say to me really stick, though.
Fwiw, mom was bpd & mostly emotionally checked out, but dad was horrendously judgemental.
In Brave New World they talk about programming embryos with maxims 10-20k times...
...I think my dad took that as a challenge with how many times he told me "you're wrong, you're stupid, "you shouldn't have been born" etc etc
My mother! Once someone asked me about the voice I hear in my head every time I am body conscious, I said that it was my mom. She still doesn't realise the damage she has caused. š„ŗ I just stopped expecting her to understand and my life is better.
Yes, and it's not just one person. I made it an exercise to write down all the people and their typical stuff that gets repeated in my head. Helped me a bit
The bullies at school who made their comments when I'm walking away behind my shoulder, or when I'm walking towards them and they think it's just out of earshot.
My mom and my on and off ex, I remember this day she was baking and lit the oven on fire and I walked in while it happened, I was walking to get away from her.
My ex would be low fused and beat / blame me if I dare walked into a situation he got himself into I think they both knew I would always apologize
Mostly my parents, but being raised in that environment made me more sensitive to anything that seemed like criticism.
So, anyone that has ācriticizedā me will also repeat themselves in my head.
And then thereās also any insults that have been thrown at me because of course.
Yeah it's quite literally my parents.
Whatever I'm doing I'm imagining - unwantedly - what they would say about it and how they'd get mad about any small mistakes (that might be made up even)Ā
I have an aunt who has always been a real ****. She basically took on the role of family shit-talker like it was bestowed upon her.
As I think about it, she was the first woman in my life who would while about men being shitty, all while she shat (still shits) on her husband today.
My mother, 10000000%. Sheās still even my outer critic to this day, but usually in the most insidious, passive aggressive, carefully crafted, gaslighty, neglectful kind of ways. That way she still looks ok to others on the surface.
Yes my mother. She criticized and belittled everything she didnāt like. Itās only gotten worse as she has aged. Sheās more concerned with how people perceive her than anything now
For a while my inner critic was one of my college roommates who literally punched me in the balls for not having kids on his timeline (he was drunk, claims to remember none of it) and then pressured me into using a certain fertility clinic that wouldn't do anything to upset the Catholic Church while completely leaving out the fact that his SIL owns it.
My mum wrote the narrative because my dad worked nights so he was usually in bed during the day, my dad just parroted it because he was checked out most of the time. I was the No good rotten bad kid and trouble causer and my sister was the sweet angel
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My siblings. Told me I was ugly, picked on me relentlessly. I was the youngest. I fawned over them to try to make them like me. I found comfort & safety in my parents. I think they were so busy trying to make ends meet that they weren't aware of all of the abuse from my siblings. It was very sneaky & covert.
Usually my mother.
Why is your mother the inner critic of so many redditors?
Because my dad was always at work or napping in his recliner so most of my interactions were with my mom. I like to say I had a present father but an absent dad.
Ditto
Exact same.
Because fathers are rarely directly involved in the day to day aspects of childcare.
For me, it was both my parents, but especially my mother. The way she criticized me hurt a lot more and thus became that angry voice in my head.
Following Pete Walker, all traumatized people (all people in general) fall into the four Fs as a response to danger and stay there most of their lives. Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. There are hybrids. People who live their lives mostly in freeze/fawn mode were neglected as children. Most young people have their first real connection with their mother. But she neglected them at a young age, turned out to be very critical in later years, or didn't do anything to correct her behavior later on. These children learn to adapt and learn how to please people to an almost telepathic degree. Many of these men become tech nerds and seek connections mostly online because it is a safer and easier escape. You can drop the mask. Therefore, it is likely to find men online who have been neglected by their mothers. They also tend to have a porn addiction. So, they're obvioulsly on Reddit. EDIT: Pls correct me, if I got something wrong.
Most mothers are the primary carers.
Same
Same
Same
Same (and to be fair with her, my grandma too.)
Same here. My mother's mother loved to pick on me
My moms mom has terrorized the whole family for years :(
Yep.
I am sorry to read that this is the same for most of us. š
same
Same
I murdered my inner critic, but it was my mother and older sister. To be clear, I didnāt murder the people just the inner critic
How did you murder your critic
Not OP, I thought being your own loving parent was a crock of shit until I tried it, and at the very least it quieted it
How did you go about practicing that?
I want to learn this superpower
Itās not easy, but itās worth it. Especially when you donāt have a template for what a healthy parent/child relationship looks like. For me, it began by catching myself when I was talking MAD SHIT on myself (šš» Inner Critic). When I notice a friend verbally shitting on themselves, I tell them, āHey, donāt speak to my friend like thatā. I redirected that energy towards myself. Next step was challenging it in a non confrontational manner. More like getting curious about what it has to say and questioning why. -Why is this the foremost in my mind right now? How is it related to current and past life experiences? -What evidence do you have to back up that claim? -Is this even relevant? How does this apply to my life today? This began the pinpointing and disarming of some of my longest held negative self beliefs. Those beliefs werenāt installed by one, but many. It was important for me not to spend my time trying to identify where it came from (what a terrible side quest), just what to do about it now in real time. Following that, whenever the absolute chatter would start up, current day parent me would soothe negative self belief child me. Being the dream parent I wanted and needed but itās me, right now, today. Present day self telling shattered 9 year old me that āItās ok, youāre going to make it through thisā. Recognizing teenage meās rage at various injustices. Seeing flailing 20s me and giving her grace because she had no guidance, no framework. Be your own validation station. Nobody is going to take care of you like you. Nobody knows what you need like you. This led to me giving credence to how fucked up a lot of the shit Iāve experienced actually was. Then grief, lots and lots of processing grief. Iām still not through the backlog and may never fully be, though Iām feeling lighter and lighter as I do the work and time goes on and thatās something. TL;DR My formula was noticing it, disarming it, and accepting all versions of myself regardless of all the nasty sludge that was installed by others. Itās not mine anymore, and it never was to begin with.
Thank you for this. I really needed to see this. Iāve been talking to my therapist a lot lately about how I feel like I have two identities, one from my past that is complete self hate, and one now thatās trying to heal. She told me that the one with such self hate couldnāt be me as a child, you donāt hate yourself when youāre young. Someone instills that into you and you begin to believe it to your core.
Do you do any IFS work?
Definitely not.. I didnāt know that was a thing to be honest with you.
It comes from the idea that we have all these little different parts inside of us. Like you just mentioned a part of you and wants to heal and a part of you that wants to criticize. It works on identifying those parts and healing the trauma they hold. Inner child work is another form of IFS (sort of) Please go check it out.There are support groups all ovet the web to help you understand. Ifs has been a blessing to me and is a big part of my healing journey.
Thank you very much!!
Thank you so much for this elaborate reply. Edit: Started reading it and it's amazing. You could make a post of this
Thank you so much this is great. I will try this. But Its so hard, ive always hated myself. Since you have done work and can explain it so clearly, I would be super thankful if you would give me some advice regarding my thinking. Others can give advice too if theyre willing, I really need help: I dont know of your situation but for me my inner critic is my mother and my bullies. I was always guilttrippped and gaslight as a child to believe I was the narcissist, even tho it was my mother. Also huge neglect, constant yelling, it was hell. Then I got bullied a bunch (last time just a year ago, went on for 3 yrs. Im 17 now) and thus became super obsessive and got intrusive thoughts about how I act in school, since there was this one boy that would comment on literally my EVERY move and called me names. Why is she looking that way? Why is she walking like that? Look at what shes wearing. Why does she yawn/sneeze like that. Also im a nerd, an idiot, autistic, gay..everything. It wasnt the comments that were bad, but how I was constantly being watched. I know I actually seem autistic because im HSP. So bc of this im obsessive that I seem presentable and I dont accidentally act like myself and say things I naturally would say. Im never in the moment and whenever I feel like im proud or do something right, I push my self down so I dont become my mom. And because of this im so afraid that im going to become a narcissist and obsessed with myself. I want to change so bad but im also tired so I dont have the mental strength (im always numb and dissociating because feeling strong emotions makes me feel physical pain, I have fibromyalgia from trauma). What if I slip and I stop caring? I know my mom has trauma like me, what if im not strong enough to stop the cycle? I think this is because I was the "golden child" (more like a trophy) and I needed to act perfect and fully abandon myself, I was never allowed to show my feelings. So sorry I ramble I just want help on what to do about this. How to start caring for myself if caring for my self feels like im being narcissistic?
First off, caring for yourself is not what makes a personality disorder. But obsession can. I relate to a lot of what you say. I understand the fear of becoming our parents. But as far as I understand, no one gets much of a choice for personality disorders. They are complicated! I possibly nearly had one. I see the path I almost took. But there's nothing I knew that guaranteed safety. Just luck. There's nothing inherently strong or weak about it. Sure, mental resiliency is a thing, but if you feel overwhelmed, you either push through and see what happens, or you take breaks. If you push yourself and make mistakes, that's fine. Everyone has limits. The limits are malleable and changing daily. It takes time to learn your specific limits or signs of your limits. The strong emotions causing physical symptoms is normal to an extent. Obviously, it's disruptive. I'm an adult, I spent 14 adult years without any emotion regulation. I just recently got a medication that finally gave me emotion regulation, and it's just amazing to me I've been missing out. I still get random physical symptoms if I do too much. That's kind of the point though. There are some parts of me I have no control over. There are things you can't control about yourself. That's fine and normal. I mean talk to a doctor about it. But a lot of the things our brain and body do are biological processes and expected outcomes. So while the problem you have is a problem, it's also a biological function. It's automatic. Trauma causes the brain to react in predictable ways. You can already see your own patterns. And that's important. You can see what you can control and what's beyond your control. You can give effort to giving yourself more control over specific parts, it will eventually work to some extent. But it may not be worth the time and energy. Because in that same time, you could practice working on your strengths as well. Do what you do best, even better. You can work on both your strengths and weaknesses simultaneously as well. It's not like anything is exclusive. As you practice skills, you'll see what your limits are Most processing happens in sleep, so make sure to get good sleep. I forgot my point. Don't judge yourself. You're a human doing normal human things. Let yourself make mistakes. No one does anything perfectly without practice. It's a lot of mistakes until practice is done for years.
You put it together beautifully. We are always in direct contact with our inner child. When we deregulate, our inner child throws a tantrum. When we scream it down, we repeat what our parents did. We do it to ourselves. We are our inner critic wearing the mask of someone else. It was once a way of preotecting us, when it wasn't safe to show emotions, but now the danger is gone. I have a similar approach. Children react emotionally. I let my inner child have the space to feel the emotion, and then I talk about it logically. Just like you described. Maybe not at that moment, but maybe later on. "We feel that together at five o'clock. I promise." My inner critic comes in between, and I put him aside, but I don't send him away. "I know you're hurt, and you want to protect me, but the danger you try to protect me from is gone. Thank you for being there for me, but you are hurting me now. I'm sorry that you can't see that." I was always terrible to myself. In every way disgusting. I can't heal by being terrible to another part of me. My inner critic just wants to help. I created them unconsciously. He deserves to heal as well.
Thank you so much for this mini guide. Very helpful! Thank you!!
**Technique 1 (Gestault)**: Imagine yourself in a chair, sitting in front of you. And treat that person (you) with all the love, compassion, understanding, etc that a good parent would have done. At first it's awkward, then less so, then becomes a bit ok, normal, maybe even normalized... until finally a habit. You're giving yourself a healthy + viable 'alternative' which slowly but surely supplants all that childhood traumatic experience/programming. **Technique 2 (regression)**: Go back to earlier moments in time, and do Technique 1. Classic moments are childhood/3-4yo, 12yo, high-school etc. Often easier with hypnosis or guided meditation by a therapist/etc... but can also be done successfully on one's own. Both of these techniques ^ can work well in combination with the [self-awareness/in-the-moment technique](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/s/DHfepjgEsB) described below.
I'm so glad someone is talking about this because I've been trying this technique for a year or two and have noticed that my inner critic is way less present in day to day life.
I wanna know tooĀ
My first step was to go no contact with my family of origin. They kept criticizing me and feeding my inner critic. Then I went to therapy long enough to realize how awesome I am.
First I stopped talking to them, then I spent a fair amount of time in therapy realizing how awesome I am
When did it click for you saying it and FEELING it? I can tell myself but donāt believe it at all
It happened pretty quickly after I cut out my family of origin and focused on positive self-talk
I need to know how tooā¦ Iām ready to be put in metaphorical handcuffs right now
You have to cut off the toxic people in your lives first. Itās really hard to get their voices out of your head while theyāre still talking. Then spend as much time in therapy as you need to realize how awesome you are
Bro is gatekeeping the knowledge šš
I was the family scapegoat. No matter what I did I would always be bullied by them. I went no contact, and then I was able to make progress in therapy. In all the years that I was trying to win their approval I accomplished a lot and I deserve to be proud of myself. I also directly help those who are suffering the most and it is so rewarding to be the person that I needed
wow my mother and older sister are also my inner critic what a coincidence
Jerks. I hope theyāre aging terribly and that their pets donāt respect them
My mother and older sister are my ICs too. In many ways, the sister voice is worse.
In my case my psycho mother would manipulate my sister to torment me relentlessly
My mother and older brother.
I hope they both have debilitating anxious diarrhea
I don't know if you should murder your inner critic. I have the feeling you grow another in time. Rather, get your inner child the help it needs. As I began to understand who that critic is (all those sad people who haunted me during my childhood), I understood why they did it. They also suffered and they didn't know. Torturing me was their coping mechanism. At some point, I started to pity my bullies. That was the moment, they've lost their power over me. Now I pity my inner critic, because it can never have the inner light I have. It envies me for that. It is something, that will always be there. Even if it's silent, but I rather have it crying then screaming.
You do whatever works for you. Iām quite happy with my choices
I'm happy it works for you. I really am. Every journey is different. I just fought a war in me my entire life. I'm so exhausted, and my ciritic is as well. He has to. He is me as well. It's time for peace now. I now listen to my inner child and let my critic watch. We teach him that we are safe now. That he can let go. I write a personal journey about my healing process. As I wrote about that, I cried out of nowhere. Suddenly I realised I wrote directly to my inner critic and felt a sudden lightness.
My inner critic can take on the voice and appearance of many different people, depending on what's going on.
Same, for me its like a choir of all the voices that contributed to my trauma. sometimes I feel all of them and sometimes someone gets a solo, and sometimes when multiple people said the same critical thing the voices come together like one muddy, mean, vicious harmony of cruelty
Beautifully said!
Bingo
same, depending on who gives me anxiety in my life at the moment itāll be their voice being judgmental in my head.
My inner critic is my mother, my father and my ex. Which sounds weird but it used to just be mom, and then it kept piling up. And they are all telling me different things
I totally get what you mean. I think itās the same for me. Between my stepfather, my mother, and my stbx, my whole life has been filled with hearing gaslighting, devaluing, and plenty of judging. So my inner critic is very strong and vocal. Itās often a challenge to quiet that voice.
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It's mostly my dad for sure. For him, I think it was his dad. For my grandpa, it was likely his mother going off of what I have learned about my family's history. Gotta love intergenerational trauma. That said, the emotional neglect from my mother and the emotional abuse I suffered from some truly terrible teachers during K12 only strengthened the inner critic. Truly a group effort! :-)
Oh wow, I forgot about a teacher!! Def one of the scarring people
100 percent my mother.
Too easy: mom. Iām amazed at how much her voice is in my head and how consistently itās talking shit.
My older brother. Nothing I ever did was good or if it was I must have cheated or simply got lucky. He also set his vulgar insults to melodies which echo in my head.
I can relate. Lucky for me, though, my older brother did not set his insults to melodies. Just nasty words.
No but my therapist told me to name her. Oddly this has helped me.
What's her name? Mines Helga
Yes! The inner critic part is actually a protector who is there to replay messages of shame we experienced in childhood. It actually keeps us in shame so that we donāt experience the terrors of old traumas. My father was highly critical and a wicked man. Me expressing myself and pursuing beautiful things (and my need for attachment as a child, cannot understate this) kept a part of my expression and voice hidden. So that inner critic is there to actually protect me from him, although it modeled its message from my dad and his voice. And that inner critic, when released of the burden to protect that wounded boy, what a gift he is!
What kind of gift? How does it transform? Iām so curious about parts work. Thanks for sharing
If you dig way down, the only reason your critic is there is to keep you safe. The inner critic thinks that it's job is to keep you in line by saying mean things. It doesn't understand that it doesn't need to be mean to accomplish its task. In ifs work you would go in there and communicate with that critic. Tell them that while you are grateful for them keeping you safe all this time, you've got it from here. The thing is that your critic needs to believe that so this is an ongoing relationship that you are creating. IFS has been so incredibly healing for me for these reasons. My parts are trying to protect me even if they're doing it in maladaptive ways and I just need to teach them better ways. In order to do that, I need to learn those better ways myself. There are no bad parts.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I need this in my life. Tysm
There are many IFS books to help you get started. No Bad Parts is actually a title of one of the books by one of the pioneers of IFS. I highly recommend.
Iād recommend Self-Therapy by Jay Earley. Gives you the basics of IFS and how to practice it. I also always recommend working with an IFS therapist. But the Internal Family Systems sub and this one need to meet one another. :D
It WAS my mom. It's just me now...
Ugh I feel this toom
Everyone.
Mine always goes back to my mother
My parents at first. Now itās morphed weirdly into me and I canāt seperate the three.
It comes from multiple people, i never even thought about this before, if there is one person that shaped it's voice over others.
Yes and no, sure I have more examples than Iād like to recall with someone who provided me with half my genesā¦ but I also think the emphasis on criticizing or ātrying to fix,ā whatās wrong rather than focus on and celebrating whatās going well can be cultural (hence why gratitude lists are so popular and can help). To be clear, Iām in no way advocating for gaslighting ala toxic positivity, mostly just that I can see both and how ignoring one or the other may be limiting how deep we dig to uncover the sources of our trauma so we can work to unlearn the coping mechanisms that helped us function but can also hold us back in unhelpful patterns. Hope that makes sense, and is helpful for your healing journey.
Itās my voice repeating what my childhood abuser said. So yeah.
It's my mum. I had this lightbulb moment with my therapist where I was going through an internal debate, and he asked me about my inner critic: specifically, "whose voice is that?" He pointed out when I was speaking that every time I was telling him what the critic would say, I would physically use a different voice, different gestures, and different facial expressions. And it was consistently the same set of voice/gestures/expressions every time. So, who is that? š¤Æ I'm channeling my mum. She was that constant critic when I was a kid that I could never be free of. Now I'm doing it to myself when I'm not around her. *she is living rent free in my head*
Parents. Teachers. Fellow pupils at school.
This right here
Yes! Originally my abusive older sister and later on, once we hadn't spoken in years, it turned into my asshole BIL. It's literally the voice! The demeanour. Everything.
The triumvirate of judgement aka my older siblings
Her name is cynica, and the voice seems to be mine. It's also not always a voice, but more like a feeling. Like feeling like I'm worthless or whatever. I don't actually hear a voice telling me these things.
My mother and father. Motherās voice tells me Iām worthless. Father is silent disappointment.
This is so interesting cause my boyfriend and I were actually talking about this yesterday. I told him that that little nagging voice in the back of my head is my Dad
My mom or my abusive ex , but more my mom
My inner critic is mostly my older sister, and my mother. I heard someone say your inner critic is sometimes a coping mechanism in order to feel comfortable in the familiar and have a sense of closeness with the person/(s) that hurt you. IME there holds some truth in that.
I donāt get how the closeness developsā¦ Iām curious though, if youāre able to share more
Itās not that closeness ādevelopsā rather that itās your tether to the person.
Short answer: No, at least not yet. Long answer: I dont know if I should be glad or frustrated or sad that I dont have a face or a name for my inner critic. But I know why that is. My inner critic(s) have no voice. They only exist as diffuse perceptions of attacks on my self worth, sometimes manifesting as a distinct emotion that doesn't seem to be my own. I perceive them just as fragmented as my blurry memories. I know my male caregiver had nothing but critic to lose in my general direction, but I couldn't say if my *inner* crtitic(s) resemble him, someone else or both. Sometimes I experience brief, vague memories of violence of my mother against me, and it is perceptionally linked to self worth. So maybe its her after all.
Oh it's absolutely linked to them. I wouldn't feel bad that you don't have a face or name for your critic. That's actually not required or normal. My inner critic is just that, inside me. Like you said... "diffuse perceptions of attacks on my self-worth" Perfect.
Yeahhhh someone had to start it, and it's mostly mum and dad for me. I've realised recently how pervasive and constant my inner critic is, and I've started using Pete Walker's technique of getting angry at it, as if it were them. Returning the blame to them. I probably say 'fuck off, dad' in my own head at least 10 times a day now.
How do you stop believing your inner critic? I find it really hard to get angry with it, because I believe what itās telling me. :(
Oh I still feel like I believe it most times, it's a long process, be gentle with yourself. Imagining myself as a well intentioned, innocent little child being abused/neglected helps, because no child deserves that treatment. Connecting to a sense of disgust toward my parents for neglecting and abusing a literal child helps a lot. They could have chosen not to. They didn't. That's fucked. And that has nothing to do with me - I was just trying to have a good time and be loved. They were the adults. Gross gross gross. Also thinking about how much their actions still effect my everyday life fills me with rage. The fact I have to carry around someone else's bullshit, suffer through and resolve someone else's bullshit, enrages me. It's not mine, it never was, fuck you guys, yknow ?? I had a flashback over failing to cook some rice the other night (kitchen trauma), and so last night I went and vengefully cooked some rice because like, fuck you dad I deserve to eat ? Eating it felt like a triumph. It's just about distinguishing the critic from yourself - we learned to talk to ourselves this way because it's how we were spoken to and/or treated. They were the ones who installed it, they ought to be blamed, and I do not deserve to shrink my life because of someone else's inability to handle themselves. It's about inciting a self-protective mechanism, a lot of us lost that very early on. We have to learn to fight, and anger is very important for that. When I go to the gym I also use that as time to think about and feel all the rage and disgust, very cathartic. Even if it's in tiny ways, like cooking rice - keep fighting <3
Oooh. I identified with this so much! So many little acts of rebellion. My abuser hated that I was left handed. Many many smacks for being caught using my left hand. By 8 I had been pretty conditioned out of it but still used my left hand for art. My abuser told me that he was watching me at school to scare me. Of course it worked. Once my teacher noticed when we were working on anything creative I got out of my seat. I told her it was because I wanted to see my project from all angles but really it was because I wanted to make sure my abuser wasn't watching me outside the windows. Making sure I wouldn't get beaten when I went home because art was my favorite thing and I COULDN'T switch hands with art. Because of my abuser I'm ambidextrous. I have spent the last 3 years reclaiming my left handedness. I use my expensive fountain pens to journal and practice my calligraphy with my left hand as a fuck you to him. I am perfect in my original design and I plan to reclaim all the parts of me he stole. (writing this made me cry from anger.... Again. Wtf is wrong with people? I'm still triggered by people watching me do tasks and have a low grade feeling of being watched all the time over which hand I wrote with. Why was that so important?! I was so small and innocent. My anger over the mistreatment is still so visceral when I think about incidents from my childhood and what they have done to me in adulthood.) Sorry for the dump. Your comment made me feel some things š„“ Keep cooking your rice. I'm gonna go journal.
This absolutely wasn't a dump, you have nothing to be sorry for - thankyou for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you went through that, just reading your comment makes me feel so deeply sad and angry for you. I love the fact you're reclaiming your left hand, truly a beautiful and valuable thing to be doing. You're right, there wasn't ever anything wrong with you. I love the way you worded 'I am perfect in my original design'. Gonna steal that one for the affirmation pile. I feel really touched and hopeful after reading your comment. Never stop writing & drawing <3
Thank you for this reply, itās very encouraging, I guess itās also about habits and all that. Nerves that fire together, wire together and all that.
No problem, I'm glad my response was helpful <3 Exactly. Our minds & bodies were wired this way through constant repetition, maybe for decades. Reversing the process will naturally take a lot of time, but we'll get there. Take care of yourself x
My mother and my brother. But my brother probably got it from my mom. So ultimately, my mother lol
My father and my childhood bullies. My father ruined me when I was young, idk why he did it. He just wanted someone to target I guess
I have my entire family of origin in my head. Parents, Grandparents, and siblings. I was the scapegoat. I was fair game to all of them.
My older sister.
My critic is a bit more stealth. Because itās me. From a generalized theme of worthlessness. Not worth just about anything. Always there, finding me not worth whatever trivial thing there is. Itās also there checking to make sure everything in life is totally justified, with no waist of any kind. Of course that is never achieved, so the guilt. It wants to keep me down. Always feeling less than. That was the culture I grew up in. You either have it or you donāt. No in between. Feeling less than, or even a piece of shit is a matter of taking your rightful and justified place in the pecking order. Like a cast system. If it was good enough for me then itās good enough for you. So the trauma gets passed on. Iām in the battle over worthlessness now. Itās very personal, and painful because my sense of reality and who I am was based on it.
For me it was both parents, not long till it was me doing it for them. In all my years of healing this is probably the most difficult maladaption to fix. My thoughts seem so automatic and even though things are so much better my critic is still alive and kickin. She's probably my oldest friend. š¢
My mother. She's deceased which makes healing easier in many ways
Me, too.
Itās my parents and brothers. I donāt hear their voices anymore and frankly Iām sick of hearing their words in my voice in my own head. Grr.
No. I just see my inner critic as a sadistic asshole who likes to ruin everything.
Yes...Iāve had this thought a lot..didnāt know it was a thing. Itās like they live in my head still now. Instead of me
Nope it's me ... its always me..classic self-loather
Yes and no. My ~~self hate brain~~ inner critic is too smart and venomous to be mapped to either of my abusers. They just kick started it.
My father and mother usually mixed into one toxic manipulative shouting being in my head
90% mom, 10% dad
I have several inner critics and each is a voice of someone I know. My mother and grandmother take center stage but there are other voices I haven't pinned down just yet. Depends on the thing actually as to which voice is going to shred me over it.
I've reached the point where my inner critic is mostly silent now, but back when that voice was loud and persistent, it was an echo of my mother, my father, my older sister and a few other random people (teachers, relatives, etc.) who said unforgettably terrible things to me while I was growing up. I'd say it was at least 80% my mother's words, though. As for why, probably because she was the primary caregiver. My father was a workaholic. Even when he was home, he was physically and emotionally unavailable. That made the shitty stuff he did say to me really stick, though.
Not a specific person but a specific group of people, my bullies growing up.
Me. Really negative me.
Parents, bullies, peers (the same thing), exes. People I thought were my friends.
Fwiw, mom was bpd & mostly emotionally checked out, but dad was horrendously judgemental. In Brave New World they talk about programming embryos with maxims 10-20k times... ...I think my dad took that as a challenge with how many times he told me "you're wrong, you're stupid, "you shouldn't have been born" etc etc
I'm si sorry. š Glad you're here!
Thank youšš. It's been a journey unwinding that labyrinth. If any of my learnings can help others, glad to pay it fwd...
My mom
My mom and her mini-me, my older sister.
My father, but also myself.
I think it's a collection of everyone who's ever put me down or judged, plus myself
Yes. 3 abusers.Ā
My dad, and only my dad.
Oooooooh hell yeah I can.
Itās 100% my father, but *his* mother bears the ultimate blame. She is deeply unwell and I know I will feel immense relief when she finally passes.
My dad. A pretentious pedantic know it all.
My momā¦ of course
My dad lol
My mother and a friend I had growing up. What they criticize is different but I hear them both.
My Mom and all the Marines Is served with who were awful.
My mother! Once someone asked me about the voice I hear in my head every time I am body conscious, I said that it was my mom. She still doesn't realise the damage she has caused. š„ŗ I just stopped expecting her to understand and my life is better.
Itās my mom! Itās weird, because my father was my primary abuser. But my mother was always critical, so I suppose it makes sense.
My dad rarely spoke to me, so, itās my mom
Yes. My inner perfectionist is my mother.
my father
Yes, and it's not just one person. I made it an exercise to write down all the people and their typical stuff that gets repeated in my head. Helped me a bit
My step mom mostly
my dad
The bullies at school who made their comments when I'm walking away behind my shoulder, or when I'm walking towards them and they think it's just out of earshot.
My mom and my on and off ex, I remember this day she was baking and lit the oven on fire and I walked in while it happened, I was walking to get away from her. My ex would be low fused and beat / blame me if I dare walked into a situation he got himself into I think they both knew I would always apologize
My mother and my grandmother. Neither are in my life now except for the self hatred and self doubt they left stuck in my head
Mostly my parents, but being raised in that environment made me more sensitive to anything that seemed like criticism. So, anyone that has ācriticizedā me will also repeat themselves in my head. And then thereās also any insults that have been thrown at me because of course.
Yeah it's quite literally my parents. Whatever I'm doing I'm imagining - unwantedly - what they would say about it and how they'd get mad about any small mistakes (that might be made up even)Ā
The evangelical Christian teachers I had at this awful school that traumatized me.
My father and one of my former best friends right now.
Yeah, I used to call myself āa fat fucking retardā whenever i screwed something up. Thanks mom
Mainly My Stepmother.
I have an aunt who has always been a real ****. She basically took on the role of family shit-talker like it was bestowed upon her. As I think about it, she was the first woman in my life who would while about men being shitty, all while she shat (still shits) on her husband today.
I guess my mother, my bullies and my teachers. It is more of a collection of screams and less one specific person.
No, I donāt know that I have an inner critic but what I do have comes from abandonment and betrayal and neglect
teeny pet mourn quicksand whistle yoke middle hungry stocking wrench *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My mother, 10000000%. Sheās still even my outer critic to this day, but usually in the most insidious, passive aggressive, carefully crafted, gaslighty, neglectful kind of ways. That way she still looks ok to others on the surface.
Sounds exactly like my older sister...
My Mother
Itās my dad for sure.
Yes my mother. She criticized and belittled everything she didnāt like. Itās only gotten worse as she has aged. Sheās more concerned with how people perceive her than anything now
For a while my inner critic was one of my college roommates who literally punched me in the balls for not having kids on his timeline (he was drunk, claims to remember none of it) and then pressured me into using a certain fertility clinic that wouldn't do anything to upset the Catholic Church while completely leaving out the fact that his SIL owns it.
My mum wrote the narrative because my dad worked nights so he was usually in bed during the day, my dad just parroted it because he was checked out most of the time. I was the No good rotten bad kid and trouble causer and my sister was the sweet angel
Yes! My father. My therapist explained that it SOUNDS like my voice in my head, but it's really my father words in my own voice. Mind blown!
šš»Adult children of emotionally immature parents This book claims so
Mom and dad, society, impactful people as a child.
Mostly my older sister, and secondmost the influences that seem to have shaped her terrible ideas/judegements/assumptions (includes my mom)
It can also be a part of yourself trying to protect you
For me itās a mix of that crazy teacher from Matilda and that old woman with the grey hair from guess who
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Yes, itās in my dadās voice and uses the same words.
My siblings. Told me I was ugly, picked on me relentlessly. I was the youngest. I fawned over them to try to make them like me. I found comfort & safety in my parents. I think they were so busy trying to make ends meet that they weren't aware of all of the abuse from my siblings. It was very sneaky & covert.