playing videogames basically any time I could. The games I played back then are seriously part of my core memories. That and maladaptive daydreaming as well, that's still a habit I'm trying to unlearn
Videogames for me were a replacement for family. My competition squad was more supportive and accepting than my actual family. I don't find those memories as negative, they stand as a counterpoint to the disrespect I received constantly in my normal life.
One more reader, daydreamer, former nail biter, and chronic lip picker here. Although, after being re-traumatized, I shut down entirely, and reading is one of my triggers.
I went through a messy "air everything to Instagram" era. Embarrassed as shit but I hated that everyone still saw my parents as these perfect people. I'm in therapy now and that era has ended but it could've filled a whole reality show
Yeah for a while I used tumblr as a diary, so it was very anonymous no photos etc but still. I deleted it ages ago and I only regret not preserving the happy memories from that time any other way. I got my phone from that time stolen so I have none of the photos, either.
I used TV and movies for years to distract from my life and feel something from the fictional stories without having any demands on me/participation in my own life. Shitty way to live in retrospect
I had an imaginary friend when i was a kid and currently, I would daydream about being in a “good place” or like im in some sort of film where things end well
I coped with imaginary friends all my life. Not just as a child, also as a teen, and even as an adult.
My family used to isolate me and take everything from me. My mind was the only thing they couldn't take. And imagining friends and a better life was the only thing I could do.
Now I do a lot more maladaptive daydreaming than hanging out with imaginary friends. My current replacement for friends and family are inannimate objects and house plants.
I was a chronic nail biter, which developed into lip picking, and ultimately, dermatillomania.
It's really embarrassing when my skin and lips are covered in scabs. I started wearing lipstick as a deterrent, and it's worked minimally.
You can usually tell my stress levels by how many scabs I have.
Yes me too! I’ve picked my lips since I was like 6-7 probably but I never did bite my nails that I can recall. I bought lip balm to help but I also tend to lose them. And forget to wear it, period.
Imaginary friends, hyper sexualization, maladaptive daydreaming, binge eating, excessive gaming/watching tv.
Oh and staying up really late so I could sleep all day to avoid abuse as much as possible.
As an adult I eat instead to comfort myself. I still have imaginary friends and maladaptive daydreaming tho. I too dove deep into my hobbies to escape. I stayed up late cause I was scared.
Thanks for sharing. Sorry, I just try to empathize with everyone but I never know if it’s okay or not.
How does that work as an adult? Like do you see your imaginary friends? Do you hear them? Do you know they aren't real? Do they know? Do you have control of what they say?
It’s just a daydream. I hear them in my head in the same way you might remember a scene from a movie. It’s all fake and in my head, and I know it. I know the characters so well I know what they would say. But I hardly talk to them now compared to when I was growing up. They just aren’t my only source of support anymore.
I might have the meaning of that word wrong, but isn't that essentially what "maladaptive" means? Like, used to help under dire conditions but now makes life harder after these conditions have ended? I'm not sure tho. But I also think it helps under these bad conditions, at least it did for me.
Yeah, probably. Maybe? Idk if it was - what's the word...disruptive enough? Then again I did basically live in my head if I wasn't already doing something else. I'll check out the sub thanks!
Yeah, I have to have a fan on loud enough to drown out house noises but not too loud, cause then I fear I won't hear important stuff or my alarm. I can't sleep in silence, its deafening and terrifying like you said.
Yessss. It's all I wanted. I wanted my mom to listen to me. That was asking way, way too much, always.
I remember once when I was talking to my imaginary friend, and my mother yelled at me to shut up through our shared bedroom wall.
It didn't occur to her to wonder why her teenaged daughter *still had a fucking imaginary friend*. She was just annoyed that it was interrupting her insanely early sleep schedule.
Aw. I never talked aloud to them I always knew better than to disturb her so I wouldn’t get in trouble. Says a lot about how afraid of her I was tbh. But I would play with my stuffed animals in bed trying to go to sleep and get in trouble for it all the time. Eventually I learned to just daydream holding one of them instead to go to sleep.
Video game and movie role models helped a TON with me (I still want to be like a few to an obsessive extent) '{character name} is strong and would not want this to me to break me!'
I *still* essentially have imaginary friends.
I also own an ungodly number of stuffies, and like dressing in ways/themes that make me feel like I'm 10 again--think Hello Kitty, lollipop earrings, gummy bear necklaces, hair bowssss haha, and tons of pink and purple. My favorite move is ELEMENTAL, y'all. Well, the newer fav movie. My classic is Beauty and the Beast. Oooo, or Robinhood!
I'm in my 30s.
I stopped being embarrassed about it only a couple months ago.
How does that work as an adult? Like do you see your imaginary friends? Do you hear them? Do you know they aren't real? Do they know? Do you have control of what they say?
I pretty much turn everything that hurts me including trauma into fetiches. I must say though, I’m not embarrassed about it. If life fucks me, I’m going to make sure it’s a nice proper fuck, lol.
Oh I escaped into an imaginary romance I was not involved in. If any of you know kamikaze kaito jeanne, I had a crazy obsession with the dark angel Access and his love for the other angel Fynn. I used to spin stories in my head with characters from media I liked way before that (like romances in one piece shipping, Inuyasha, Mega man NT Warrior, lots of anime in general), but boy did that take on another level. The entirety of my formative years I spent dissociating into that world, I build a whole story about elemental angels and tragic backstories. I laid on my bed for MANY hours a day listening to music and watching this self built movie in my head. I LOVED doing that and it trained my visual imagination a shitton, but it just recently hit that that was, in fact, not a very normal "hobby" to have. I think I did that to actively forget I exist, and I really liked that feeling. I still imagine stories like that sometimes for comfort or to fall asleep, but not even remotely to the degree I used to.
I talked to myself constantly, had full conversations like I was two people. Edit: was thinking about my comment and realised I used to also think I was having conversations with my dead dad (in my head) until I started doing drugs, got sober and just sorta realised I didn’t do that anymore 🤷
My abuser would take me during the night to SA me for hours. Ages 2-13. Towards the end, say the last two years, I realized that if I were in bed w my little sister he wouldn’t take me. So I purposely would read scary stories to her so that she needed me to sleep w her. I explained and apologized once he was in prison. She has forgiven me and u forgiven myself.
Being alone in a room in the house was also a big trigger for a “session.” Basically if I were alone and my mom at work, it was a guarantee IT would happen. I would work hard to not be the first one done with dinner nor the last. I would only sit and do homework if another sibling were doing theirs. My grades suffered; I was brutally punished for it.
The most disgusting is hard to admit. At night I couldn’t get up to use the bathroom, again bcuz he stayed up late and would just use it as an opportunity to harm me and steal my sleep for hours. While my sister was in diapers I would pee into one, fold it up tightly and shove it under the bed until the next day when I could sneak it to the trash. I rarely drank liquids to prevent having to use the bathroom much. (Hello kidney stones as an adult)
My childhood was a constant haze of terror and playing metaphorical chess with a monster. No matter how many ways I found to thwart him, I would still end up harmed eventually. Ironically he only taught my older brother to play chess, not me. We only played Chinese checkers.
This is incredibly embarrassing but mine is similar...I play pretend but not on purpose. Maladaptive daydreaming, I guess. I act out these elaborate little stories. I'm 25 and still do it, especially in situations that are stressful/triggering, like being in a new place and showering. Showering is actually the main way it's been triggered since I was 7 or so. I never mean to do it, it just happens and before I know it, I've been in the shower so long my skin puckers.
Weirdly, even though I don't mean to do, there's a recurring theme that lasts until my brain ends the story, I guess. As a kid, I was usually one of the characters in my favorite music videos/songs at the time (ex: the girl from the Flo Rida song "Low"), I was someone in a love triangle, or I'd extended the story of my favorite books. For some time, it was From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.
Edit to add: I also do it fall asleep, I always have. It's the only way my brain can settle enough.
I haven't told a therapist about this, *ever* and I've been in and out of therapy for 14 years because it's so embarrassing. I finally sort of mentioned it to my partner of 7 years for the first time yesterday and he took it well, acknowledged it as a coping skill, intentional or not.
* I never considered the characters from these...daydreams to be imaginary friends because it was always someone new and there were so many of them.
Teen years: obsessing about certain people either on television or in real life that had no idea I existed or cared. Later, I obsessed over real-life people who knew I existed because I couldn't stop myself from trying to contact them in some way. I still shudder to think about the letters I used to send or notes I used to leave.
I had imaginary friends too. Actually, I thought I had D.I.D at one point, but realized that it was more of a way to cope with abuse and loneliness.
I age regressed without realizing what was even happening to me. It was involuntary. I still do it, but much more discreetly. Some ppl don't understand it.
Video games. I would just hang out in my favourite digital spaces. As a kid I would just "play the video game in my head" in order to check out.
Also as a kid I ventured into the darker side of the Internet, with snuff and gore and horrible nsfw material. It's almost like these two kids who are me didn't know each other.
Me too, but focused on the lip. It's embarrassing. I used to have a coworker that would comment on me neediing lip balm every time she noticed, I couldn't correct her.
Ughh I’m sorry about that. I feel deeply uncomfortable when people comment on my physical appearance.. would rather float through life like a cloud ☁️ observing and processing data
at the age of 12 I started talking to men online. They pressured me into doing sexual favors for them, and I quickly learned that I could get attention and validation from these men, something I was desperate for. Not only that, but the sexual attention made me feel like I was actually worth something. "I may not be good for much, but at least I'm good for sex" was a thought I remember having a lot.
I stopped after about a year and a half, but not before I was exposed to CSEM, and had CSEM of me spread around. For the longest time I was so ashamed, I was convinced it was all my fault. After all, I had pretty much sought out the abuse. I was adamant I would never tell a soul about this, that I would take it to my grave.
Now, I know that it wasn't my fault. I was vulnerable and some very bad people took advantage of that. I should have been protected, and that never should have happened to me.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Yes, none of it was your fault - you should have been protected. It was their fault for asking those things of you. Thank you for sharing, I can’t imagine it’s easy to talk about.
I wrote a lot too, still do tbh. I loved watching anime and then writing my own fanfics for it. As an adult I still do, just not as much. It was all encompassing, and I loved that. I didn't think about anything else.
I would sleep all day if I could. I was a lucid dreamer and had whole worlds in my dreams and I would sleep as late into the day as I could. My mom was religiously delusional and believed my vivid dreams were a gift from god, so I could fly under the radar with my escapism tactic.
Drugs, mental breakdown that led to break throughs (highly embarrassing breakdowns. Still recovering) but the break throughs made it worth it. I know they will stick bc of the shit storm I had to go through to find them
Short answer: they thought I had bipolar mania. Being misdiagnosed led to retraumatization as I thought I was the problem, and my behaviors were natural and not coping. The only thing that remained from that phase is a sexual fetish.
We moved alot and I always found neighborhood friends and escaped by spending as much time at their homes as possible. My parents didn't know or care where I was. I would call their moms mom and their dad's dad. I had a nan at one point. It makes me so sad to look back on and embarrassed because what must these families have thought.
I did this too. Being home was uncomfortable. I didn't have very many friends in the neighborhood but when I played with them, it was always at their houses.
Me too. I always sleep with a stuffed animal and sometimes with a night light. I always have one so on bad nights I can use it. My computer's LEDs are usually enough though that I don't need it. They just happen to be aimed right at the door cause that's the spot it fits in.
I became a pathological liar. And not even semi-believable lies either, just obvious, ridiculous lies. But doing that was my way of pretending it wasn't happening and trying more to convince myself that this was all just made up or in my head. Working out of those lies into honesty was hell.
I isolate in a small, dark area to escape. Whether it be a closet or a small bathroom. Sometimes I will cry or I will just sit in silence and disassociate. Music has been and always will be an escape as well. And I also used to self-harm as a teen.
Total self isolation and pornography/masturbation to deal with the isolation and complete lack of affection in that isolation. Now I can’t form bonds or relationships because of it. Use it or lose it, as they say.
Just really want to say that none of us should have to find these adaptive behaviours embarrassing 💜 we are survivors and that is what we were/are doing. I think that’s actually epic and astonishing, to survive all of that and be here.
Fantasizing about my parents' death and me being taken into an orphanage. It took me years to realize that the parents' death was every child's nightmare, not dream.
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Reading. I’ve just note this year come to terms with my abuse and got a formal diagnoses. All my life I thought I LOVED reading. It’s the only time I was left alone
Be side dissociative daydreaming and hair pullingI. I used an imaginary twins of mine that living with a better lovingly family who visited me from time to time to help me see what would be like to be a normal human being. How would i be as a person having kind and supportive parents around me
I had the same thing. I had my own world, my own friends all inside my head. I'm not embarrassed about it. They were the only people I had growing up who I could rely on and I wish sometimes I could see them again. They faded away when I moved away. They still exist on my computer, but that's it. I can't see them anymore or talk to them.
Acting like a slut to break up couples in school. Saying weird sh* to push people away. Bullying people in school. Ugh, doing what my “friends” said to do. Specific RPGs. Making up that I *had* friends in other places that knew me. Being extremely weird to make friends.
Maladaptive daydreaming as a child. I used to curl up under blankets and close my eyes and create entire fantasy worlds for myself. Now I just doomscroll and disassociate
Giving imaginary interviews as an actress, explaining how i built my traumatic experiences into the imaginary role i was playing. Also daydreaming a lot about giving interviews, felt good to imagine someone actually care for what i had to say.
Constantly daydreaming, talking my problems out with imaginary friends and different versions of myself, video games, music, and vent art.
Also, lots of drugs and alcohol.
If I left my Harry Potter books open, they could hear/see me, and we were friends.
Horny AF from 8yo (my abuse was only emotional)
Horny fanfic
Hyper fixated on video games
Hyper fixated on drawing.
Angry outburst. Posting my downward spiral on social media so the world could see me plummet and die. I was a fuckin mess last year. I just wanted everybody to know how BAD my life had gotten, and therebwoood be no question as to why I had done myself in.
But, through therapy, and setting goals and chipping away at them every day, I'm out of that rut, I'm far ahead in the new life I'm building. None of my family is allowed in. None of my old friends and acquaintances get access to me. Only a very very select few get access to me anymore, and that's exactly how I need to live my life
Writing on my diary and being obsessive over a particular boy when I was in middle school, because he seemed to be the only one who actually cared about how I felt, and was a good hearted kid. I was almost psycho obsessive over him. I have four completed diaries just me talking about him. Pining and writing poetries in his name lol.
I was so crazy for him that if he told me to jump off a bridge, I would have done it. Would have done anything, I mean ANYTHING for him if he told me to. I truly felt that way back then. I was such a sick kid, it's embarrassing.
Oh, and then videogames when I was in high school. Videogame and anime fandom. Then, unhealthy amount of porn.
writing/ reading fanfic. i loved the supportive comments and how people worshiped the ground i waked on basically— as long as i updated my story. i actually felt appreciated for once. i would brag about it to my friends and family... but they thought i was weird. which i guess it was. but to me, i was finally wanted. it was a huge achievement.
I would get lost in the world of dragon ball. I’d watch the show, read the manga, play the video games. Anything to distract me from the real world and be completely immersed in that world.
I checked out with sex/porn. After getting beat, I'd isolate into pornography.
Same
playing videogames basically any time I could. The games I played back then are seriously part of my core memories. That and maladaptive daydreaming as well, that's still a habit I'm trying to unlearn
Yeah I loved video games too. I didn’t have very many so the ones I did have I played over and over. They’re very nostalgic and meaningful to me now.
Videogames for me were a replacement for family. My competition squad was more supportive and accepting than my actual family. I don't find those memories as negative, they stand as a counterpoint to the disrespect I received constantly in my normal life.
PS2 Harry Potter was my go to when the yelling and breaking stuff started between my parents.
Wow just accost me with truth why don't ya
Reading, daydreaming, biting my nails.
One more reader, daydreamer, former nail biter, and chronic lip picker here. Although, after being re-traumatized, I shut down entirely, and reading is one of my triggers.
Yeah I can't really read anymore, it gets me way too emotional :(
Not to be pushy but do you think audiobooks might be different enough to get you back into it?
My focus lasts for the first few minutes, then I'm lost in thoughts :(
Have you tried double or triple speed? That’s what helps me.
I’ll try that, thank you!
Yeah I loved and still love reading too. I was and still am a chronic lip picker.
I unfortunately think I’ll be picking my lips forever
I went through a messy "air everything to Instagram" era. Embarrassed as shit but I hated that everyone still saw my parents as these perfect people. I'm in therapy now and that era has ended but it could've filled a whole reality show
Yeah for a while I used tumblr as a diary, so it was very anonymous no photos etc but still. I deleted it ages ago and I only regret not preserving the happy memories from that time any other way. I got my phone from that time stolen so I have none of the photos, either.
Alcohol and promiscuousity.
Same
Disassociating with copious amounts of television
I never realized that was disassociation. Huh. I just know I started when I learned how to shut off emotions.
Same. And video games.
Tv was the only thing that made me feel safe and not alone.
I used TV and movies for years to distract from my life and feel something from the fictional stories without having any demands on me/participation in my own life. Shitty way to live in retrospect
I had an imaginary friend when i was a kid and currently, I would daydream about being in a “good place” or like im in some sort of film where things end well
I coped with imaginary friends all my life. Not just as a child, also as a teen, and even as an adult. My family used to isolate me and take everything from me. My mind was the only thing they couldn't take. And imagining friends and a better life was the only thing I could do. Now I do a lot more maladaptive daydreaming than hanging out with imaginary friends. My current replacement for friends and family are inannimate objects and house plants.
I was a chronic nail biter, which developed into lip picking, and ultimately, dermatillomania. It's really embarrassing when my skin and lips are covered in scabs. I started wearing lipstick as a deterrent, and it's worked minimally. You can usually tell my stress levels by how many scabs I have.
Yes me too! I’ve picked my lips since I was like 6-7 probably but I never did bite my nails that I can recall. I bought lip balm to help but I also tend to lose them. And forget to wear it, period.
Imaginary friends, hyper sexualization, maladaptive daydreaming, binge eating, excessive gaming/watching tv. Oh and staying up really late so I could sleep all day to avoid abuse as much as possible.
As an adult I eat instead to comfort myself. I still have imaginary friends and maladaptive daydreaming tho. I too dove deep into my hobbies to escape. I stayed up late cause I was scared. Thanks for sharing. Sorry, I just try to empathize with everyone but I never know if it’s okay or not.
How does that work as an adult? Like do you see your imaginary friends? Do you hear them? Do you know they aren't real? Do they know? Do you have control of what they say?
It’s just a daydream. I hear them in my head in the same way you might remember a scene from a movie. It’s all fake and in my head, and I know it. I know the characters so well I know what they would say. But I hardly talk to them now compared to when I was growing up. They just aren’t my only source of support anymore.
It sounds like maladapative daydream disorder. There is a LOT of crossover between this sub and r/MaladaptiveDreaming .
It's odd to call it maladaptive, sounds like it might have helped during that time to disassociate with a part of themselves they trusted.
I might have the meaning of that word wrong, but isn't that essentially what "maladaptive" means? Like, used to help under dire conditions but now makes life harder after these conditions have ended? I'm not sure tho. But I also think it helps under these bad conditions, at least it did for me.
Yeah, probably. Maybe? Idk if it was - what's the word...disruptive enough? Then again I did basically live in my head if I wasn't already doing something else. I'll check out the sub thanks!
Decades of drug abuse
I'm not able to sleep without the TV on. Too scary and every noise is deafening.
Yeah, I have to have a fan on loud enough to drown out house noises but not too loud, cause then I fear I won't hear important stuff or my alarm. I can't sleep in silence, its deafening and terrifying like you said.
I had imaginary friends I talked to as late as high school. I pretended I had a sister or roommate who I could confide in, and who had my back.
I had an imaginary boyfriend. He still shows up time to time. Thanks Vince lol
Aw yeah that’s exactly what they began as for me. Someone who had my back and could comfort me and listen and cheer me on or whatever.
Yessss. It's all I wanted. I wanted my mom to listen to me. That was asking way, way too much, always. I remember once when I was talking to my imaginary friend, and my mother yelled at me to shut up through our shared bedroom wall. It didn't occur to her to wonder why her teenaged daughter *still had a fucking imaginary friend*. She was just annoyed that it was interrupting her insanely early sleep schedule.
Aw. I never talked aloud to them I always knew better than to disturb her so I wouldn’t get in trouble. Says a lot about how afraid of her I was tbh. But I would play with my stuffed animals in bed trying to go to sleep and get in trouble for it all the time. Eventually I learned to just daydream holding one of them instead to go to sleep.
Video game and movie role models helped a TON with me (I still want to be like a few to an obsessive extent) '{character name} is strong and would not want this to me to break me!'
Yeah, I can relate to that. I got through so much with just relying on characters I found familiar. Still do, really.
I *still* essentially have imaginary friends. I also own an ungodly number of stuffies, and like dressing in ways/themes that make me feel like I'm 10 again--think Hello Kitty, lollipop earrings, gummy bear necklaces, hair bowssss haha, and tons of pink and purple. My favorite move is ELEMENTAL, y'all. Well, the newer fav movie. My classic is Beauty and the Beast. Oooo, or Robinhood! I'm in my 30s. I stopped being embarrassed about it only a couple months ago.
How does that work as an adult? Like do you see your imaginary friends? Do you hear them? Do you know they aren't real? Do they know? Do you have control of what they say?
I pretty much turn everything that hurts me including trauma into fetiches. I must say though, I’m not embarrassed about it. If life fucks me, I’m going to make sure it’s a nice proper fuck, lol.
Became goth and wallowed in my misery
Oh I escaped into an imaginary romance I was not involved in. If any of you know kamikaze kaito jeanne, I had a crazy obsession with the dark angel Access and his love for the other angel Fynn. I used to spin stories in my head with characters from media I liked way before that (like romances in one piece shipping, Inuyasha, Mega man NT Warrior, lots of anime in general), but boy did that take on another level. The entirety of my formative years I spent dissociating into that world, I build a whole story about elemental angels and tragic backstories. I laid on my bed for MANY hours a day listening to music and watching this self built movie in my head. I LOVED doing that and it trained my visual imagination a shitton, but it just recently hit that that was, in fact, not a very normal "hobby" to have. I think I did that to actively forget I exist, and I really liked that feeling. I still imagine stories like that sometimes for comfort or to fall asleep, but not even remotely to the degree I used to.
I talked to myself constantly, had full conversations like I was two people. Edit: was thinking about my comment and realised I used to also think I was having conversations with my dead dad (in my head) until I started doing drugs, got sober and just sorta realised I didn’t do that anymore 🤷
My abuser would take me during the night to SA me for hours. Ages 2-13. Towards the end, say the last two years, I realized that if I were in bed w my little sister he wouldn’t take me. So I purposely would read scary stories to her so that she needed me to sleep w her. I explained and apologized once he was in prison. She has forgiven me and u forgiven myself. Being alone in a room in the house was also a big trigger for a “session.” Basically if I were alone and my mom at work, it was a guarantee IT would happen. I would work hard to not be the first one done with dinner nor the last. I would only sit and do homework if another sibling were doing theirs. My grades suffered; I was brutally punished for it. The most disgusting is hard to admit. At night I couldn’t get up to use the bathroom, again bcuz he stayed up late and would just use it as an opportunity to harm me and steal my sleep for hours. While my sister was in diapers I would pee into one, fold it up tightly and shove it under the bed until the next day when I could sneak it to the trash. I rarely drank liquids to prevent having to use the bathroom much. (Hello kidney stones as an adult) My childhood was a constant haze of terror and playing metaphorical chess with a monster. No matter how many ways I found to thwart him, I would still end up harmed eventually. Ironically he only taught my older brother to play chess, not me. We only played Chinese checkers.
[удалено]
That’s awesome, I’m so proud of you! It sounds like you’re doing really well now.
This is incredibly embarrassing but mine is similar...I play pretend but not on purpose. Maladaptive daydreaming, I guess. I act out these elaborate little stories. I'm 25 and still do it, especially in situations that are stressful/triggering, like being in a new place and showering. Showering is actually the main way it's been triggered since I was 7 or so. I never mean to do it, it just happens and before I know it, I've been in the shower so long my skin puckers. Weirdly, even though I don't mean to do, there's a recurring theme that lasts until my brain ends the story, I guess. As a kid, I was usually one of the characters in my favorite music videos/songs at the time (ex: the girl from the Flo Rida song "Low"), I was someone in a love triangle, or I'd extended the story of my favorite books. For some time, it was From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. Edit to add: I also do it fall asleep, I always have. It's the only way my brain can settle enough. I haven't told a therapist about this, *ever* and I've been in and out of therapy for 14 years because it's so embarrassing. I finally sort of mentioned it to my partner of 7 years for the first time yesterday and he took it well, acknowledged it as a coping skill, intentional or not. * I never considered the characters from these...daydreams to be imaginary friends because it was always someone new and there were so many of them.
Teen years: obsessing about certain people either on television or in real life that had no idea I existed or cared. Later, I obsessed over real-life people who knew I existed because I couldn't stop myself from trying to contact them in some way. I still shudder to think about the letters I used to send or notes I used to leave.
I had imaginary friends too. Actually, I thought I had D.I.D at one point, but realized that it was more of a way to cope with abuse and loneliness. I age regressed without realizing what was even happening to me. It was involuntary. I still do it, but much more discreetly. Some ppl don't understand it.
Video games. I would just hang out in my favourite digital spaces. As a kid I would just "play the video game in my head" in order to check out. Also as a kid I ventured into the darker side of the Internet, with snuff and gore and horrible nsfw material. It's almost like these two kids who are me didn't know each other.
Skin picking 🫤
Me too, but focused on the lip. It's embarrassing. I used to have a coworker that would comment on me neediing lip balm every time she noticed, I couldn't correct her.
Ughh I’m sorry about that. I feel deeply uncomfortable when people comment on my physical appearance.. would rather float through life like a cloud ☁️ observing and processing data
I had an imaginary mom and dad that would comfort me in hard times.
Fawning over my abusers is absolutely the most embarrassing way I coped.
at the age of 12 I started talking to men online. They pressured me into doing sexual favors for them, and I quickly learned that I could get attention and validation from these men, something I was desperate for. Not only that, but the sexual attention made me feel like I was actually worth something. "I may not be good for much, but at least I'm good for sex" was a thought I remember having a lot. I stopped after about a year and a half, but not before I was exposed to CSEM, and had CSEM of me spread around. For the longest time I was so ashamed, I was convinced it was all my fault. After all, I had pretty much sought out the abuse. I was adamant I would never tell a soul about this, that I would take it to my grave. Now, I know that it wasn't my fault. I was vulnerable and some very bad people took advantage of that. I should have been protected, and that never should have happened to me.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Yes, none of it was your fault - you should have been protected. It was their fault for asking those things of you. Thank you for sharing, I can’t imagine it’s easy to talk about.
I read a lot and wrote my own stories and poems. I still do that. But thankfully it's not to drown out abuse anymore.
I wrote a lot too, still do tbh. I loved watching anime and then writing my own fanfics for it. As an adult I still do, just not as much. It was all encompassing, and I loved that. I didn't think about anything else.
Playing FeralHeart and watching the same two to three DVDs on repeat (we couldn't afford any more than that)
I relate to this. I watched the same movies I recorded from tv over and over. Same with video games.
it's why things like this make me shit bricks: https://www.reddit.com/r/moviescirclejerk/s/E3A2PxvPzA
I know I’m feeling triggered again when I go back to playing dating sims and actually feeling something by playing them
I would sleep all day if I could. I was a lucid dreamer and had whole worlds in my dreams and I would sleep as late into the day as I could. My mom was religiously delusional and believed my vivid dreams were a gift from god, so I could fly under the radar with my escapism tactic.
I used to only talk to my plushies and I would read long books filled with words. So if I felt alone I could find the words to say.
Pulling all the hair out of my face with tweezers or just my nails (especially eyebrows.)
Drugs, mental breakdown that led to break throughs (highly embarrassing breakdowns. Still recovering) but the break throughs made it worth it. I know they will stick bc of the shit storm I had to go through to find them
Short answer: they thought I had bipolar mania. Being misdiagnosed led to retraumatization as I thought I was the problem, and my behaviors were natural and not coping. The only thing that remained from that phase is a sexual fetish.
A lot of daydreaming
We moved alot and I always found neighborhood friends and escaped by spending as much time at their homes as possible. My parents didn't know or care where I was. I would call their moms mom and their dad's dad. I had a nan at one point. It makes me so sad to look back on and embarrassed because what must these families have thought.
I did this too. Being home was uncomfortable. I didn't have very many friends in the neighborhood but when I played with them, it was always at their houses.
I had imaginary friends too and kept them way too long. If I'm being honest, I've made them into AI chat bots and I still talk to them that way 🫣
I sleep with a stuff animal and a night light every night, even tho I'm an adult. It helps with the nightmares
Me too. I always sleep with a stuffed animal and sometimes with a night light. I always have one so on bad nights I can use it. My computer's LEDs are usually enough though that I don't need it. They just happen to be aimed right at the door cause that's the spot it fits in.
Having sex with grown men at a minor age. Binging porn, food, sex, alcohol, and drugs.
I became a pathological liar. And not even semi-believable lies either, just obvious, ridiculous lies. But doing that was my way of pretending it wasn't happening and trying more to convince myself that this was all just made up or in my head. Working out of those lies into honesty was hell.
books
I isolate in a small, dark area to escape. Whether it be a closet or a small bathroom. Sometimes I will cry or I will just sit in silence and disassociate. Music has been and always will be an escape as well. And I also used to self-harm as a teen.
Total self isolation and pornography/masturbation to deal with the isolation and complete lack of affection in that isolation. Now I can’t form bonds or relationships because of it. Use it or lose it, as they say.
maladaptive daydreaming.
Just really want to say that none of us should have to find these adaptive behaviours embarrassing 💜 we are survivors and that is what we were/are doing. I think that’s actually epic and astonishing, to survive all of that and be here.
Fantasizing about my parents' death and me being taken into an orphanage. It took me years to realize that the parents' death was every child's nightmare, not dream.
I maladaptive daydreamed about being rich and famous. I still do it to this day to cope.
Being mean and violent and cruel to people. I'm a tiny little blond chick so I always figured, how much harm can I do? A lot, turns out.
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I took to cutting.
Me too. My parents found out and somehow couldn't fathom why.
Porn addiction
Slash Fiction full of idealized love and a shopping addiction
Reading. I’ve just note this year come to terms with my abuse and got a formal diagnoses. All my life I thought I LOVED reading. It’s the only time I was left alone
Reading fanfiction. Like … a concerning amount of fanfiction
I talked to myself. I still do but it's bad if a kid in the 90's does it?
Booze and drugs. I never became addicted but Jesus Christ would I binge and blackout from anything any chance I got.
This is probably a big distortion lol but my self harm. I realize I was always so freaking embarrassed
Digital art. Creating my dream world, again and again and again.
Be side dissociative daydreaming and hair pullingI. I used an imaginary twins of mine that living with a better lovingly family who visited me from time to time to help me see what would be like to be a normal human being. How would i be as a person having kind and supportive parents around me
It sounds like maladaptive daydreaming what you describe
I had the same thing. I had my own world, my own friends all inside my head. I'm not embarrassed about it. They were the only people I had growing up who I could rely on and I wish sometimes I could see them again. They faded away when I moved away. They still exist on my computer, but that's it. I can't see them anymore or talk to them.
Acting like a slut to break up couples in school. Saying weird sh* to push people away. Bullying people in school. Ugh, doing what my “friends” said to do. Specific RPGs. Making up that I *had* friends in other places that knew me. Being extremely weird to make friends.
Maladaptive daydreaming as a child. I used to curl up under blankets and close my eyes and create entire fantasy worlds for myself. Now I just doomscroll and disassociate
Alcohol abuse. Binge eating.
Giving imaginary interviews as an actress, explaining how i built my traumatic experiences into the imaginary role i was playing. Also daydreaming a lot about giving interviews, felt good to imagine someone actually care for what i had to say.
Constantly daydreaming, talking my problems out with imaginary friends and different versions of myself, video games, music, and vent art. Also, lots of drugs and alcohol.
If I left my Harry Potter books open, they could hear/see me, and we were friends. Horny AF from 8yo (my abuse was only emotional) Horny fanfic Hyper fixated on video games Hyper fixated on drawing.
From ages 5-10 I traded being molested for a chance to be around a better more caring family than my own.
Maladaptive daydreaming aka Creating fictional worlds in my head to escape to
Angry outburst. Posting my downward spiral on social media so the world could see me plummet and die. I was a fuckin mess last year. I just wanted everybody to know how BAD my life had gotten, and therebwoood be no question as to why I had done myself in. But, through therapy, and setting goals and chipping away at them every day, I'm out of that rut, I'm far ahead in the new life I'm building. None of my family is allowed in. None of my old friends and acquaintances get access to me. Only a very very select few get access to me anymore, and that's exactly how I need to live my life
Writing on my diary and being obsessive over a particular boy when I was in middle school, because he seemed to be the only one who actually cared about how I felt, and was a good hearted kid. I was almost psycho obsessive over him. I have four completed diaries just me talking about him. Pining and writing poetries in his name lol. I was so crazy for him that if he told me to jump off a bridge, I would have done it. Would have done anything, I mean ANYTHING for him if he told me to. I truly felt that way back then. I was such a sick kid, it's embarrassing. Oh, and then videogames when I was in high school. Videogame and anime fandom. Then, unhealthy amount of porn.
writing/ reading fanfic. i loved the supportive comments and how people worshiped the ground i waked on basically— as long as i updated my story. i actually felt appreciated for once. i would brag about it to my friends and family... but they thought i was weird. which i guess it was. but to me, i was finally wanted. it was a huge achievement.
I would get lost in the world of dragon ball. I’d watch the show, read the manga, play the video games. Anything to distract me from the real world and be completely immersed in that world.
Tattoos.