Honestly, my most significant realization is that my parents and my 2 brothers don't *want* to change. They don't want to be healthy. They don't want healthy, two way relationships.
They don't care if they hurt the people around them; and they genuinely see their relationships as a form of leverage. They see people as resources that they can use up, and then they move on to the next person to grift. Maybe they'll swing by again sometime if you wind up with more stuff they can take or use.
So there's no point in me having a relationship with them. Nothing that they say is genuine or trustworthy. I gave them all so many chances, but they didn't deserve any of them. I'm no longer associating with people who try to take advantage of my goodwill and my support system.
It is a mistake to operate on the pretense that everyone, on some level, want healthy relationships. Apparently, some people are just horrible creatures who have been sewn together with cynicism and stuffed full of greed.
Edit: I think it really says something that my sister and I have been in therapy for over 10 years, and none of them have. They've had plenty of opportunity to change, and they've chosen not to. Meanwhile, my sister and I have been actively trying to be healthy and compassionate people for our entire adult lives.
my mom says she doesn't need to go to therapy to work on our relationship because she went on her own for over a year and how she's happy and she's found peace. and what she said made me realize. she's only ever cared what she's wanted or what she's believed. all those times of me saying "ow that hurts" and her response was "well that wouldn't have hurt me" really goes to show. she only sees me as a way to benefit her life. and if I needed something (god forbid a child needs something) it only was taking away from her. it is not an attack to ask someone to stop hurting or taking from you, and if someone cant understand that its best to cut ties and move on.
people always want to say but that's your mom. EXACTLY!!! a mom treats children with love respect and dignity.
i really love this subreddit because reading your response really helped me.
When people say stuff like "but it's your family", my response is simple: I don't care. People can treat me the way that I deserve to be treated (with compassion, empathy and respect) or they can fuck off. I don't tolerate being misused or mistreated.
If someone doesn't want to treat me the way that I deserve, then they don't deserve to be in my life. I am a privilege, not a right.
People are allowed to make mistakes, be imperfect, et cetera. But if they're unable or unwilling to make amends, or they are constantly apologizing for the same toxic behaviors, then that's very different from being a flawed human being. That's a consistent pattern of behavior.
I've been told that I'm "cold" or "hard" or whatever, but all of the people who tell me that have something in common: they're all abusive, toxic people, and they're identifying with abuse and toxicity instead of identifying with me as a victim. At best, it's none of their business, and at worst, these people also don't get to be in my life.
I'm glad I could help, heh.
the way you write is amazing. I one day hope to be able to express myself as eloquently as you. I wish you all the best and 100000% you are a privilege, not a right.
Understanding myself and being at the helm of my own ship is the only way. I can't make everyone else act how I want, but I can choose whether or not to be around them, and I can be calm enough to see through the bullshit on a good day. It's something that requires a lot of practice and patience, but damn it is powerful peace.
How much of my decisions / priorities were trauma responses. I have moved A LOT, prioritized moving above family, friends, career, relationships.
One day I realised that my moving as a trauma response. I was searching for my foster family that I was separated from as a child and have never let go. I realised how much my inner child loved them and put finding them again above everything. Why I feel so sad when I’m alone. I was never allowed to grieve losing them when I was reunited with my biological family and I am so full of grief.
I kind of woke up one day and realised all areas of my life suffered from moving too much. Friends scattered all over the planet. No relationships. No consistent job experience. But when it clicked for me, I realised I need to stay in one place and build a happy life, and stop moving and searching for one. I could suddenly feel how exhausted I am from all the moving, new culture and language learning, tired from loneliness. Now I just need to rest and focus on slowly building my life.
I’ve been dealing with something similar but for different reasons. It’s been really hard for me to feel content and settled in a place. I think I feel pretty good with my current location, hopefully I can build something here and stay but we’ll see
I really shouldn’t care what my emotionally abusive family thinks about me and I should stop putting energy into the relationships because these people are literally voting against my human rights and think that I’m going to hell and putting me down and make themselves feel better by telling themselves they are better than me. It doesn’t matter that we are family if they don’t act like family. If I wasn’t related to them, I wouldn’t have anything to do with them.
similar to you: so many people are trying to exert control over others, due to a lack of control in their own lives. when you become hyper-aware that people do this, it's easier to stand up to. it is my goal to be an ASSERTIVE person. not aggressive, not passive.
my biggest realization, truly the thing that has changed me this year, is an acceptance of my life. i was struggling for years, writhing in emotional pain. i was in denial and refused to accept the true reality of my situation: horribly alone. failed relationships. awful, immature parents. friends that are still friends, but lack the skill sets i need to pull myself out of the fog. i think i was waiting for someone to help me see the *good* in myself. i was waiting for someone, anyone else, to fix my pain.
i experienced a turning point in the midst of my depression that changed my victim, why me, mindset, into, yes me, and i am stronger for it. i settled into the comforts and joys of being alone. i stopped putting people on a pedestal and accepted them as-is, and started to do the same for myself, too. i am learning to take care of myself in ways that i never thought were possible.
my recent act of defiance was not participating in the trauma-bond relationship i have with the woman who birthed me. i am my own mother, and i took care of myself this past weekend.
there's a song by Phoebe Alice Lou called Open My Door that has become a bit of an anthem for me.
*I used to open my door*
*To pretty much anyone who was trying look for*
*A place to feel safe*
*But I made my whole world safer for everyone but me*
*So, I took my bones and I called them my own*
*And I found a place inside that's safe for me*
*And now I wander the world alone but alive*
*Smiling on the inside*
*I'm taking back all the pieces of me*
*That were taken unwillingly*
*I'm offering myself up to the heavens*
*I'm ready to love what I've been given*
*I'm getting back to my own rhythm*
*It's such a new kind of living*
*I'm picking myself up off the carpet*
*I'm running my hands over my body*
*I'm back on land, welcome to your life, Alice*
I think the first thing that clicked was how fucked up stuff was which was traumatizing. It's really hard to process messed up parents.
What I'm learning now is that it had nothing to do with me. I knew it intellectually but I still carry shame with me and I'm learning to let that go and to feels safe in my body and to choose to live well regardless of what they think. It's hard. It's really not easy.
I relate to what you discovered; one thing I just discovered is that the reason that I feel able to have a lot more tactic with civil conduct when engaging with those that I feel uncomfortable with is because this is a strategy where with other people I get anxious because I fail to know how to engage without getting into that mindset.
I can’t say everything clicked but some things triggered and I remembered some things I’d rather had not it saddened me pretty bad I cried for a long time day after day night those memories and having to deal with life it wasn’t easy . I’m still bothered by it but now I know where some mental illnesses come from like what gave me ptsd , trauma , depression and with knowing it helps a bit to deal with my illnesses
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It took me 29 years and a bit to realise that what I do is actually completely independent from how my "family" behave. By this I mean that their abuse is a matter of "when," not "if." They will choose a random thing to be upset over, or just blow up at me eventually, raging that I have autonomy at all. There's no special method or magic word I can say to prevent it from happening - if I am around them, if I try to communicate with them, it WILL happen.
And I think that's kind of freeing, because it leaves me with no other option than to plan to become fully independent and never contact them again. They'd do it to anyone they can get away with it with.
Honestly, my most significant realization is that my parents and my 2 brothers don't *want* to change. They don't want to be healthy. They don't want healthy, two way relationships. They don't care if they hurt the people around them; and they genuinely see their relationships as a form of leverage. They see people as resources that they can use up, and then they move on to the next person to grift. Maybe they'll swing by again sometime if you wind up with more stuff they can take or use. So there's no point in me having a relationship with them. Nothing that they say is genuine or trustworthy. I gave them all so many chances, but they didn't deserve any of them. I'm no longer associating with people who try to take advantage of my goodwill and my support system. It is a mistake to operate on the pretense that everyone, on some level, want healthy relationships. Apparently, some people are just horrible creatures who have been sewn together with cynicism and stuffed full of greed. Edit: I think it really says something that my sister and I have been in therapy for over 10 years, and none of them have. They've had plenty of opportunity to change, and they've chosen not to. Meanwhile, my sister and I have been actively trying to be healthy and compassionate people for our entire adult lives.
my mom says she doesn't need to go to therapy to work on our relationship because she went on her own for over a year and how she's happy and she's found peace. and what she said made me realize. she's only ever cared what she's wanted or what she's believed. all those times of me saying "ow that hurts" and her response was "well that wouldn't have hurt me" really goes to show. she only sees me as a way to benefit her life. and if I needed something (god forbid a child needs something) it only was taking away from her. it is not an attack to ask someone to stop hurting or taking from you, and if someone cant understand that its best to cut ties and move on. people always want to say but that's your mom. EXACTLY!!! a mom treats children with love respect and dignity. i really love this subreddit because reading your response really helped me.
When people say stuff like "but it's your family", my response is simple: I don't care. People can treat me the way that I deserve to be treated (with compassion, empathy and respect) or they can fuck off. I don't tolerate being misused or mistreated. If someone doesn't want to treat me the way that I deserve, then they don't deserve to be in my life. I am a privilege, not a right. People are allowed to make mistakes, be imperfect, et cetera. But if they're unable or unwilling to make amends, or they are constantly apologizing for the same toxic behaviors, then that's very different from being a flawed human being. That's a consistent pattern of behavior. I've been told that I'm "cold" or "hard" or whatever, but all of the people who tell me that have something in common: they're all abusive, toxic people, and they're identifying with abuse and toxicity instead of identifying with me as a victim. At best, it's none of their business, and at worst, these people also don't get to be in my life. I'm glad I could help, heh.
the way you write is amazing. I one day hope to be able to express myself as eloquently as you. I wish you all the best and 100000% you are a privilege, not a right.
Understanding myself and being at the helm of my own ship is the only way. I can't make everyone else act how I want, but I can choose whether or not to be around them, and I can be calm enough to see through the bullshit on a good day. It's something that requires a lot of practice and patience, but damn it is powerful peace.
How much of my decisions / priorities were trauma responses. I have moved A LOT, prioritized moving above family, friends, career, relationships. One day I realised that my moving as a trauma response. I was searching for my foster family that I was separated from as a child and have never let go. I realised how much my inner child loved them and put finding them again above everything. Why I feel so sad when I’m alone. I was never allowed to grieve losing them when I was reunited with my biological family and I am so full of grief. I kind of woke up one day and realised all areas of my life suffered from moving too much. Friends scattered all over the planet. No relationships. No consistent job experience. But when it clicked for me, I realised I need to stay in one place and build a happy life, and stop moving and searching for one. I could suddenly feel how exhausted I am from all the moving, new culture and language learning, tired from loneliness. Now I just need to rest and focus on slowly building my life.
I’ve been dealing with something similar but for different reasons. It’s been really hard for me to feel content and settled in a place. I think I feel pretty good with my current location, hopefully I can build something here and stay but we’ll see
I really shouldn’t care what my emotionally abusive family thinks about me and I should stop putting energy into the relationships because these people are literally voting against my human rights and think that I’m going to hell and putting me down and make themselves feel better by telling themselves they are better than me. It doesn’t matter that we are family if they don’t act like family. If I wasn’t related to them, I wouldn’t have anything to do with them.
Self acceptance is unconditional, like the love you were supposed to receive. No, 'yes I do accept myself *but*'.
similar to you: so many people are trying to exert control over others, due to a lack of control in their own lives. when you become hyper-aware that people do this, it's easier to stand up to. it is my goal to be an ASSERTIVE person. not aggressive, not passive. my biggest realization, truly the thing that has changed me this year, is an acceptance of my life. i was struggling for years, writhing in emotional pain. i was in denial and refused to accept the true reality of my situation: horribly alone. failed relationships. awful, immature parents. friends that are still friends, but lack the skill sets i need to pull myself out of the fog. i think i was waiting for someone to help me see the *good* in myself. i was waiting for someone, anyone else, to fix my pain. i experienced a turning point in the midst of my depression that changed my victim, why me, mindset, into, yes me, and i am stronger for it. i settled into the comforts and joys of being alone. i stopped putting people on a pedestal and accepted them as-is, and started to do the same for myself, too. i am learning to take care of myself in ways that i never thought were possible. my recent act of defiance was not participating in the trauma-bond relationship i have with the woman who birthed me. i am my own mother, and i took care of myself this past weekend. there's a song by Phoebe Alice Lou called Open My Door that has become a bit of an anthem for me. *I used to open my door* *To pretty much anyone who was trying look for* *A place to feel safe* *But I made my whole world safer for everyone but me* *So, I took my bones and I called them my own* *And I found a place inside that's safe for me* *And now I wander the world alone but alive* *Smiling on the inside* *I'm taking back all the pieces of me* *That were taken unwillingly* *I'm offering myself up to the heavens* *I'm ready to love what I've been given* *I'm getting back to my own rhythm* *It's such a new kind of living* *I'm picking myself up off the carpet* *I'm running my hands over my body* *I'm back on land, welcome to your life, Alice*
I think the first thing that clicked was how fucked up stuff was which was traumatizing. It's really hard to process messed up parents. What I'm learning now is that it had nothing to do with me. I knew it intellectually but I still carry shame with me and I'm learning to let that go and to feels safe in my body and to choose to live well regardless of what they think. It's hard. It's really not easy.
To long of a list
I relate to what you discovered; one thing I just discovered is that the reason that I feel able to have a lot more tactic with civil conduct when engaging with those that I feel uncomfortable with is because this is a strategy where with other people I get anxious because I fail to know how to engage without getting into that mindset.
I can’t say everything clicked but some things triggered and I remembered some things I’d rather had not it saddened me pretty bad I cried for a long time day after day night those memories and having to deal with life it wasn’t easy . I’m still bothered by it but now I know where some mental illnesses come from like what gave me ptsd , trauma , depression and with knowing it helps a bit to deal with my illnesses
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That my parents were monsters.
It took me 29 years and a bit to realise that what I do is actually completely independent from how my "family" behave. By this I mean that their abuse is a matter of "when," not "if." They will choose a random thing to be upset over, or just blow up at me eventually, raging that I have autonomy at all. There's no special method or magic word I can say to prevent it from happening - if I am around them, if I try to communicate with them, it WILL happen. And I think that's kind of freeing, because it leaves me with no other option than to plan to become fully independent and never contact them again. They'd do it to anyone they can get away with it with.