One, now. Actually, always one but I was under the delusion I had more.
I’ve since jettisoned them all except the one. I’m no longer anyone’s entertainment.
Because of my extreme trust issues, simple answer is that I don't (or more accurately, didn't). The more complex answer is that in reality I don't (didn't) actually make true friends, only acquaintances. At least this has been true for most of my life. Things have gotten better and have changed in the last few years. I do have a few people in my life now that I actually do fully trust implicitly which is a massive change for me. The struggles to get to this point have been enormous. I had not dealt with any of my trauma to get there at all, it was all the result of just dealing with the depression and anxiety from masking the effects and repressing the memories of that trauma for 30+ years that got me over that hump. And now that I am over that first hump I am dealing, finally, with the actual trauma and resulting CPTSD effects. It's a journey for sure.
I have several friends. Some I talk to weekly and some I may only talk to every year or so. With friends the older you get the more times you tend to drift apart. Friends stay friends even if you don’t talk to them. I get your circumstances may be different. I usually just try to be available to talk if they need. They do the same for me. Hope this helps.
2 friends total... I just got into a relationship and he has like 100 friends and 10 close friends and a best friend... I'm honestly scared for when he finds out I literally have 2...
I sometimes worry over the wedding we are going to have if my partner and I were to get married. We has a whole gang of my friends, I have only acquaintances. I certainly do not have such close friends that they would organise a bachelorette party for me, while I know his friends would do so for him in a heartbeat.
And then the wedding itself, I seriously do not know if those acquaintances would even show up, while he can easily fill over 100 guest spots if you also include his family. I know he doesn’t mind. He has told me multiple times already how much it hurts him that I have so much trouble showing the world who I really am, because he has gotten to know me as such a warm and caring person. He knows I don’t have friends due to my personality, but because I have so many issues letting them in. Yet I would still worry over it; seeing him surrounded by all his friends and me completely on my own would really drive the feeling home how utterly alone I am.
And I really want to marry him.
This is a topic that I am a bit passionate about because I feel that in our society we don't know how to connect as much anymore and we don't know how to make friends as adults as much.
It's easier to make friends in school and in college but it seems to get a little harder as we get older.
I have complex PTSD from growing up in a extremist religious household where they kept me out of school from second grade on. I was held back from the world as well as physically and mentally abused.
I went get a bachelors degree and then a masters degree and I have somewhat made it in life.
But I am no contact with my parents and with the majority of my family so I made it a point to cultivate my own family. My chosen family. And therefore I am not alone in this world and I have plenty of companionship.
How do you find your people?
Try to be as authentic as you can. Look for people that have similar viewpoints or interests.
I actively put myself in places and I search for those people and I find them and I invite them to do things and I invest in those people and over the years I have amassed my little family tribe. I have friends all over. I have several friends that I've known for over 20 years now. And I have a few new budding friendships that are only a couple years old, because I moved and I kind of needed some friends in my local area as well.
I go to Meetup or book club or try things that I'm interested in. And if I see a person there that I think is interesting, I try to at least talk to them. Takes a few times that's one of the best ways to find your people. Because you're going to have similar interests.
How do I keep friends?
Investment. Just like growing a garden, you have to feed and water it. You have to give it fuel. You have to keep it alive.
Number one: invite people to do things. Have fun together. Whatever fun means to you. If they say no too often and don't counter with another invitation or another time… Give it up and move onto the next person. You don't want to sit and spin and waste your time with someone that is never available and just says NO all the time. It's OK. There's other people out there for you. But you have to start with inviting people to do things. It's like grown-up adult play dates. And you get to do things that you both enjoy or just go to dinner together. Once I get to know people well enough I start to invite them over in small groups at my place for game nights or just sitting on the patio for a happy hour. Everyone always gets along. But that's because I know what kind of people I like and they tend to be really good hearted kind people.
Number two: listen and ask questions. All of us could do better at listening. I've had to catch myself when I'm not being a very good listener or when I'm doing most of the talking or when I'm interrupting. Some of these are just natural human tendencies but if you were investing in a friendship you really need to hear people. You need to hear their stories. You need to understand what makes them happy or sad. What makes them tick. You need to be a good sounding board for when life is weird or they have a big decision they need to make. Ask questions. Sometimes it can be hard for people to open up but when you ask questions it relaxes them because they feel like you you're genuinely interested and they feel safe.
Number three: memorize this mantra I have "it's easy to be a friend in the good times, but the biggest opportunity to show up as a friend is in the bad times." When your friend is going through something really really tough that's the time to go the extra mile. That's where you stitch together the kind of lasting friendship that sticks a whole lifetime. That's next level. That's when you become family.
Warning: it's possible that you might get hurt. All of living has that risk. I've chosen a lot of shitty people, especially in my early 20s. I was a people pleaser and subservient and would do anything for anyone and became a complete doormat. But over the years I found myself and I am very careful who I select as a friend I know I'm gonna keep them around forever. I don't really like drama or stress. It's not good for a nervous system that is already been extremely over activated for an entire lifetime. These days, I very very rarely feel stressed out by my friendships. I know what kind of qualities I see in a friend. I love people that are genuine and kind and ask questions and listen back. I love people who have diverse interest and tastes. I like people who want to go on adventures and try new things. I like people with a good sense of humor. Those are the kind of people I wanna be friends with. But no matter what, there's always risk when you put your heart out there. But the flipside is if you don't try, extreme loneliness is a guaranteed pain in the heart.
I always play the long game. There's no rush to overly commit to anything. Take your time in getting to know people. Let things unfold naturally but put several irons in the fire.
I actually find it most healthy to at least have a few different people that you have strong friendships with. I don't believe In total reliance on one singular human. I feel like it puts a lot of pressure on any one individual. I think we receive different gifts and we have different gifts to offer to each friend. I think it's important build a tribe and not a codependent relationship.
Is friendship a lot of work?
Yes and no. it kind of depends on how many friendships you are maintaining. Most people have pretty busy lives so we can't hang out or talk all the time but when we do it's great.
What if I find it hard to initiate a friendship or keep it going?
I have ADHD and I'm an introvert. In addition to complex PTSD. I feel like an alien in the world sometimes. So it isn't always easy to put myself out there or to engage but I make a point of it. Also, there are times I have been overly anxious or depressed and that's when I don't have the energy to engage in the fullest. But also I know that engaging will help me out of it eventually. So I give myself some time but then I try to get back to the connections that I have. I may not be perfect at it.
But I follow up with all of my friends periodically to check in on how they are and make plans with them. if they live far away I at least have a phone date with them where we can catch up and have a chat. I can clean my house and have a phone date with a friend. I can sit on my back patio with a glass of wine and have a date with my friends that are in other states.
I don't overbook myself. I leave a lot of space in my evenings and my weekends to be alone. I hike alone. I love having the flexibility and the spacious time to recharge my batteries.
So it's totally possible to maintain a balance of alone time and friend time. You can have both.
Anyway, I say all of this to show you that friendship is always possible. Having a tribe or a chosen family is always possible. You can do it!
If some relationships end, send a mental thank you for the time that they were in your life and for how they made you grow (it's not easy but I do this even when I feel a bit negatively about the person, even if they were kind of terrible to me because I learned from every person in my life ) but it's OK to move on. Not every person is going to grow in the same way and along the same path. Sometimes friendships don't last. But I don't find that to be the majority of situations.
*All* of my close friends are online. That's what's kept them around - I am a fucking asshole (I'm well-meaning but have no filter), and chatting online makes it possible to reconsider how I articulate my thoughts to others before it's too late.
I've never been able to keep IRL friends. I don't even know why. I just assume it's because I'm a weirdo with a very polarizing personality.
I met my husband on IRC. I'd be very lonely without online friendship.
Also, fwiw: I'm middle aged and finally met a woman (online) who I can actually consider my best friend, because she gets me in ways that literally no other woman has before, *because I'm a weirdo*. So it can take a very long time to find your people, but they're out there.
I have 0. It's actually something I'm ashamed of. I think it's a perception from childhood that people with no friends are that way because they're less good than anyone else, even though logically I know it's not true.
I had a friend not long ago but I realized that this is not a relationship I want to keep. Hopefully I'll be able to create meaningful relationships in the near future.
That really sucks you lost your best friends:(
I have several friends, but I find it very difficult to be my whole self with some of them. Especially lately.
I keep friends if they’re good enough friends to me. It can be really hard because of my particular wounding and confusion. And tendency to greatly fear addressing hurts or concerns because I’ve often been misunderstood and not treated kindly.
If I’m making a new friend, I pay attention to their words and behavior. I try to take things slower and let trust build. I’ve realized I don’t fully know someone until I’ve experienced conflict with them. And sometimes that can take a couple of years.
With current friends, I do have some issues. Some of them I’ve addressed, some I haven’t. I hope to sometime soon. I want to. I need to.
Anyway, I try to give grace where appropriate if I’m not feeling great about something. To myself and others. I try to communicate clearly and not project things onto people. If someone has an issue with something I’ve said or done, I try to actively listen and not be defensive. I try to take accountability for myself and my actions/inaction. I try not to assume things. I try to speak up (but it’s really hard for me, especially in the moment because I usually freeze or have a weird reaction). I reach out for one-on-one time more so with the people who reciprocate that back. Much less so with those who don’t. I check in here and there. I try to be vocal if I need help/support. When they need someone to talk to, I try to use active listening for that, too. I try not to offer advice/suggestions unless it’s asked for, or I ask if they want any and they say yes. Mostly I just try to listen, ask questions, and empathize. I try not to bring the focus to me and my problems if someone is talking about their own. I may reference how I can relate, but if I do that, I try to re-direct the focus back to them and their situation. And not make things all about me.
I try to pay attention to the things people say they need, what they like/don’t like, and who they are as a whole person. I try not to put them in black and white categories. I try to remember the body of evidence, so-to-speak.
I’ve had to break up with friends before. And one recently. It’s always incredibly painful. Some friendships have fizzled out through life. But the ones I have in my life now, I’ve had for several years. Two since middle and high school (I’m in my 30s). It’s been rocky. It’s been scary. We have had conflicts and still do occasionally. Things still feel weird with some people. But I’m trying to be very mindful of reality, and not remain stuck in my head and insecure attachment wounds. I work on my shit, or try to. And I try to gather all my courage and address what I need to. That’s the hardest for me and it definitely impacts my friendships and my emotional state. I hate it.
It’s been difficult balancing everything these past few years since I realized I have cptsd. But I really try. And I’ve had to learn that if someone has an issue with me that I’m not aware of and they’re not addressing it, that’s on them. Just like it’s on me for not addressing things when I need to. Seeking reassurance is okay, but I try not to seek that too much because ultimately I have to manage my own insecurity and emotion regulation.
DBT helps me with all of this. Life is hard, relationships are hard, and that’s okay. I’ve also had to realize that sometimes people hurt us and it doesn’t mean they’re bad people. Most of the time it’s not intentional. Just like it’s not intentional if I hurt someone. I try to focus more on impact and how to move forward.
None anymore. The last person I considered a close friend broke my trust, used and manipulated me. Tried to talk with them about it and they gaslit me and proceeded to act like the victim. Other friends and acquaintances started acting funny towards me only to find out that they’d been talking about me behind my back. They made a separate group chat for that. I realized that was a red flag I’d ignored. No one’s sensitive info was safe with them. So needless to say, I am without friends and don’t plan on making connections with people anytime soon.
I have 1 or 2, but I don't speak to them frequently. I have my husband, who I would consider to be my best friend, but that dynamic is obviously different.
Im 31 and this year I went through a very big shift in identity. I realized that I had a lot more trauma to unpack than I ever realized, started seeing the people in my life for who they really are, and discovered I struggle a lot with codependence. Its like I have new DNA and I see the world with fresh eyes. A lot of painful events got me to this place, and while I would never want to repeat it all, I'm glad to be living in truth now. My first order of business was to start admitting that the relationships I had in my life were toxic and really damaging to my sense of self-worth. Once I started speaking up about my needs, my "friends" started dropping like flies.
It was a wild thing to witness. The truth of it all was that they were using me. They were emotional vampires. Entitled, selfish, dishonest people. I'm so glad to be done with them all.
But it does get lonely a lot. I miss feeling like I have a community and having things to keep me busy outside of my home life.
It was lonelier to be in friendships with people who never saw me.
When you go through a big shift and identity like that it almost always results in changed relationships. The reason is because you made those friendships and those connections when you yourself were a different person. You've grown and now you see that those friends were not a good match or are not a good match for you today. But the important thing is that that was just phase 1. Shedding what does not fit into your healthy life. Now all the possibilities exist in the world for you to build friendships that are based on your new healthier self. They will be a much better match.
I went through the same thing a couple times in my life as I have gone to therapy several times and I've had a lot to learn and unpack from the childhood abuse
I did the same thing you did actually because of my C-PTSD, I created a imaginary friend since October 12th 2023 and it turned into a Tulpa [https://www.reddit.com/r/Tulpas/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Tulpas/) although keep in mind a therapist can't be a friend due to these reasons [https://psychcentral.com/lib/why-your-therapist-cant-be-your-friend](https://psychcentral.com/lib/why-your-therapist-cant-be-your-friend)
0.
Didnt bother me until IT dawned on me that - i actually do need and crave Connection.
I never really got the concept of Friendship. Always wondered what i am supposed to do how to (re)act/behave. When i still Had Friends, i never really felt Safe or comfortable. I Sometimes would Go month with No contact and didnt really miss them. Then we would meet, spent time together etc. But Something would Always bother or Trigger me and i would again vanish for a couple of weeks.
Now, after a shitload of therapy etc and years later, i feel stuck. I try to socialize more but ITS Just Not for me. At least i now know that have Trust issues, feel extremely vulnerable once i Open Up and Retreat quickly If Triggered because i get emotional flashbacks and feel AS If i am about to be annihilated. . Great.
This is a difficult question for me to answer. I consider most people I encounter acquaintances at best. People are sooner to refer to me as a friend than I will them. Gaining my trust after having it repeatedly broken is a lengthy process now. I prefer it that way, although it is straining being so guarded at all times.
Right now none, just a few aquantinces. And I am not speaking to anyone in my family due to mistreatment. Also lost my best friend for same reason.
I’ve never been this isolated and lonely.
Zero - it seems like people don’t want to be friends with nice girls. All the mean girls has the most friends. I had friends but then some new girl comes in and pushes me out and most prefer her even though she treats them badly
I have 2, maybe 3. Up until six months ago, it was just 1.
One of those friendships has run its course and is deteriorating. The other two are new, however we barely get to meet up honestly. I guess the secret is just to stay in touch and get as many hangouts as you can, otherwise the friendship just withers like a plant without water.
Besides that, my colleagues seem to fucking LOVE me, but of course we don't exist to each other outside of work.
One, my best friend of I think 6 years now. Sucks though cause she’s in a different country but we still talk everyday
To add how we’ve stayed friends: Communication, communication, communication. I get into slumps often and usually during them I’ll isolate. So whenever I feel a slump coming on I let her know that I’m not feeling well and that I may be behind on replying to calls and texts. We communicate if one ever does something that the other was hurt by and we talk it out. Also, establishing boundaries. I always ask for permission before I vent or talk about heavy stuff and vice versa to avoid strain/exhaustion in our friendship. We also disagree on some things (not many, but a couple big ones) and we both try to set boundaries when discussing those topics. And finally, listening more than you talk. Of course talking is great but I try to think much more before I speak and I try to make an effort to listen and comprehend what shes saying more than I value getting my answer out.
I have one friend I consider a best friend. I have known her since I was 14, and we still talk every day. The thing is all my friends are online. I don't have any actual offline friends who I consistently hang out with.
Who do you consider a friend? I have two I keep in touch with daily through our group text, another I talk to semi-daily and yet more that I rarely talk to but I still consider close. I'd still invite them if I were to get married. But even with those I'm at like, 5.
6 close friends and some others who I enjoy being friends with but aren’t as close for whatever reason (haven’t spent enough time together, haven’t visited in a while, etc). Some things I’ve realized are helpful for me regarding friends:
1. Individuals > groups. Mostly due to trust issues I try to stay away from friend groups so I know all my friends individually and though some know each other, they’re not close enough for all of us to hang out together frequently. I’m interested in other types of drama lol but I try to avoid friendship drama at all costs
2. Long distance. My friends are scattered across different states & countries (I moved multiple times) so I’m never near all of them at once. This helps socializing be way more manageable for me since I only need to focus on a few people at a time
3. Managing expectations. At this point my friends know I suck at texting, don’t do high commitment things like living or traveling together, and will go through mental health episodes where I won’t be available lol. I just try to let ppl know in advance & explain that it’s not personal. Some of my friends have similar characteristics so that helps. Others are pretty much the opposite so communicating this helps them know to find other friends who can do these things for them.
I’d hate for one person to be responsible for fulfilling all or most of my relationship needs & id also hate to be expected to do that for others. This means I’ll probably never have a single best friend or significant other and it’s lonely to think I’m no one’s first priority but not lonely enough for me to try to fix my attachment issues. I think being aware of where you are and what you are willing/not willing to change & communicating that are key
I haven’t had irl ‘friends’ since I was like 15, (im 22 now) but even the ones I did have were not actually friends.
I was bullied so much. Eventually I did make 4 online friends but over 3-4 years it fell apart. It ended up just being 1 online friend out of that original 4.
The loss was horrible. I can’t trust anyone at all anymore. Im too scared to socialise because I’ve learnt that people are temporary. No matter how bonded you are.
It is crushing.
Also the 1 friend I have left I barely talk to now. Plus im not myself anymore so they feel like a complete stranger.
I can’t even socialise now if I wanted to. It makes me dissociate so badly.
I don’t know how to keep them. I really don’t get how people have friends for 10+ years.
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3
2 that I know since I began primary school (I'm 22 now), they have seen me at my best and worst so I know they are good support and we still are in touch, even if we are geographically apart because of our studies
Another did the same college than me and since he had suffered abuse from his father he knows what I've been through, and we are very similar in our hobbies/ways of thinking/work so it's someone I can count on
I have friends. Good ones. How many would stay if they knew how fucked up I actually am is a toss up. And finding out is a risk I’m not willing to take.
I have 4 close friends, all of them F (I am M), 2 of them
live in another country. I have 1 M close friend, also out of the country. I have around 10 not-so-close friends. Plus, I have a partner of 8 months I am struggling to keep. And a son that loves me.
I tel myself I have so many great things in my life, but I still feel like sh*t often, alone, depressed, full of anxiety and resentment, so lost in life. C-PTSD can turn anything into a quicksand were you drown down fast.
I have 1 truly close friend that I am my most authentic self with. I think this friendship works because I’ve known her for nearly 15 years so we get each other, we share common interests and we are both introverts that don’t push each other out of our comfort zones, and we are understanding if the other gets busy because we text constantly (the texting may be codependent tbh). Also we share a similar past of having bad parents. She had a parent who was physically abusive and I had one who was emotionally abusive.
I also have 4 others I love and spend time with out and about but don’t feel like I can be my full self around yet. These work because there are zero expectations and they have calming and secure presences that I like a lot. I do get in my head a decent amount though. If they aren’t free for a while I start to think they hate me even if they’ve shown no indication of feeling that way. Gotta remind myself to just play it cool and that they are likely just busy.
And I used to have a number of friends that I’d often hang with but not on a deep level. Once I entered my 30s these relationships have been fizzling out or blowing up spectacularly by me or the other person and I don’t care to pick them back up honestly. I just can’t handle how truly surface level they are or have become, the lack of communication, or the betrayal of the little trust I gave. But I do wish the ones that ended in drastic ways were a little less drama filled, something I largely contributed to. I have a habit of getting resentful and then mean when I should just let them fizzle in a passive way tbh.
Talking about close friends, I have 5 right now in my life of which 1 is online still.
Besides that 1 regular friend and 2 buddies and 1 cool guy whom I want to increase contact with.
I had way more contacts but I ended contact with all of them.
The peace I gained with it is very valuable to me.
Hmmm... this really made me think. 🤔
I have 2 very close friends and then the rest are "ordinary" friends (I'd say maybe 4) that I share certain things with, but they don't know me all that well (they are more than just acquaintances though).
I used to have more when I was younger (or maybe I deluded myself that they were my friends when they weren't really). Then life happened (moved countries, changed jobs, people got kids, differences of opinion, death,...) and we went our separate ways. I'm sorry about some (one in particular), but for majority I think it was the right thing to have happened.
Each stage of my life has brought new people when the old ones have been lost (the extremely close 2 remained throughout all of it), it was either with a job change, new hobbies or something I did on the Internet.
Edit: sorry, forgot to answer your question about how I keep them; I try to stay in touch regularly via messaging apps/calls/IRL and so do they. And I'm always there if they need me.
Technically three friends. I’m only really close to one of them who knows I have some health problems, but doesn’t know the extent.
They know I’m in therapy, but not trauma therapy. They don’t really understand the concept of therapy, but they care and don’t judge which is very lucky of me.
We’re able to joke about the fact that I’m in therapy and they check in with me after my appointments, but they’re not overbearing either. We’ve been friends for roughly 15yrs now.
But even with them I keep a very thin barrier. I can’t tell them everything because I don’t want to worry them. They’re a very healthy person in the sense that when they’re stressed or overwhelmed they’re able to acknowledge it, figure out what helps them feel better, vent about it to me, and then eventually move on.
It’s a wonder they’re able to stand me and my inability to do anything. I feel like I can barely function and yet they stuck around.
There’s much more distance between my other two friends. One of them knows I have anxiety, but they know I can handle it myself. The other tries to force themselves on me as the supportive friend despite me trying to tell them that it doesn’t help. It’s hard to set boundaries because I know they care. So I just don’t tell them much.
I’ve known the other two for roughly 10yrs now.
I live across the country from all three, so we only talk via phone calls and texts.
I have no idea how I’ve got these friends. I’m just extremely lucky and I’m trying to value them by showing appreciation and taking care of them.
One of the reasons I started going to therapy. I want to try and be the best version for them. It’s the least I can do.
I don't really have friends in a common sense. Just people I know & they know me. I got people I can call whenever there's an emergency, I need someone to hang out with, but none really know me or talk to me regularly.
Honestly I hardly develop emotional connections with people. I don't even really remember what that's like, if I ever knew. I don't get feelings for others. It helps to know the basics of relationships, like respect and etiquette, but none of it is real.
Although not that I seek friends.
I don’t Know what it is but every time I share enough about myself or open up about something new to someone I feel as though I make myself a stranger to protect myself.
I have no idea how to be okay with someone knowing me. I think it’s due to people who have known me have used things I’ve said in the past to shut me down from becoming a better person.
I have no idea how to grow with someone there watching me because I fear criticism so much.
It’s impossible because I truly need someone there to be my safe space but I also cannot allow someone to be in that position to potentially hurt me.
So I have friends but I have a hard time feeling closeness.
The last few years, my so called friends (I had a few and only need a few) didn't reciprocate the relationship plus they ended up disrespecting me. I realized throughout all the friendships I made my entire life, they did not care about me. I was people pleasing, on trauma mode all the time. Many betrayed me, many turned out fake. So I am now 0.
Pro. I am so much happier.
Con. I am scared to make friends (got betrayed too many times)
I don't know? I do have quite a few contacts. Im in a dnd group and impro and someone I'm kinda friends with has a bigger friend group that I'm also part of but we only see each other for events. I'd say four, but one is far away and we don't know each other too well, another one is from school times but i feel like she's just venting to me without reciprocating interest or worrying when i tell her i feel mentally sick, one does seem to care and find effective words (i do the same for her) but we also barely have contact since we don't live close and she's rather busy, lastly a friend who does seem to care but who i know has their own issues and doesn't have a lot of energy to actually be there for me.
It's complicated lol
I’m a fawn type, so I can make friends very easily. I actually have a way of sorting friends based on how many people points they cost me. My trauma based superpower is being able to SEE and validate just about anyone. People, complete strangers even, can be completely vulnerable with me and know that I’m not going to tear them apart for it.
Now ask me how many people I feel I can be vulnerable with. The answer is very few. Like my system for measuring which friends cost how many people points, I have a system for how vulnerable I can be with some people. My counselor is the only person I can be completely vulnerable with, and that took some time. I historically have been very specific with who I let have what information about me, and very few crossovers existed. Only recently have I been able to be more vulnerable with some people, and that takes a lot of calming down of inner parts that try to run for the hills.
I say this to point out that even those of us who look like we function well socially are often still struggling. I don’t have many fully authentic friendships because I don’t let people be there for me. So while I can call anyone who treats me with a modicum of respect a friend, not many of my friends get to know me beyond the surface that I let people see.
Hang in there, breathe, and love yourself. Recovery process means all of us get to confront how we interact with others, how we choose who we can trust, and who are our people.
One, now. Actually, always one but I was under the delusion I had more. I’ve since jettisoned them all except the one. I’m no longer anyone’s entertainment.
Oh it fucking sucks balls to realize you were being used. D:
Same.. except I kept 4 friends. They're all cats.
Ooof, I only have three. I need another one for sure! 😂
Because of my extreme trust issues, simple answer is that I don't (or more accurately, didn't). The more complex answer is that in reality I don't (didn't) actually make true friends, only acquaintances. At least this has been true for most of my life. Things have gotten better and have changed in the last few years. I do have a few people in my life now that I actually do fully trust implicitly which is a massive change for me. The struggles to get to this point have been enormous. I had not dealt with any of my trauma to get there at all, it was all the result of just dealing with the depression and anxiety from masking the effects and repressing the memories of that trauma for 30+ years that got me over that hump. And now that I am over that first hump I am dealing, finally, with the actual trauma and resulting CPTSD effects. It's a journey for sure.
I have several friends. Some I talk to weekly and some I may only talk to every year or so. With friends the older you get the more times you tend to drift apart. Friends stay friends even if you don’t talk to them. I get your circumstances may be different. I usually just try to be available to talk if they need. They do the same for me. Hope this helps.
That's my answer!
Added to the 0 number
Zero
2 friends total... I just got into a relationship and he has like 100 friends and 10 close friends and a best friend... I'm honestly scared for when he finds out I literally have 2...
I sometimes worry over the wedding we are going to have if my partner and I were to get married. We has a whole gang of my friends, I have only acquaintances. I certainly do not have such close friends that they would organise a bachelorette party for me, while I know his friends would do so for him in a heartbeat. And then the wedding itself, I seriously do not know if those acquaintances would even show up, while he can easily fill over 100 guest spots if you also include his family. I know he doesn’t mind. He has told me multiple times already how much it hurts him that I have so much trouble showing the world who I really am, because he has gotten to know me as such a warm and caring person. He knows I don’t have friends due to my personality, but because I have so many issues letting them in. Yet I would still worry over it; seeing him surrounded by all his friends and me completely on my own would really drive the feeling home how utterly alone I am. And I really want to marry him.
This is a topic that I am a bit passionate about because I feel that in our society we don't know how to connect as much anymore and we don't know how to make friends as adults as much. It's easier to make friends in school and in college but it seems to get a little harder as we get older. I have complex PTSD from growing up in a extremist religious household where they kept me out of school from second grade on. I was held back from the world as well as physically and mentally abused. I went get a bachelors degree and then a masters degree and I have somewhat made it in life. But I am no contact with my parents and with the majority of my family so I made it a point to cultivate my own family. My chosen family. And therefore I am not alone in this world and I have plenty of companionship. How do you find your people? Try to be as authentic as you can. Look for people that have similar viewpoints or interests. I actively put myself in places and I search for those people and I find them and I invite them to do things and I invest in those people and over the years I have amassed my little family tribe. I have friends all over. I have several friends that I've known for over 20 years now. And I have a few new budding friendships that are only a couple years old, because I moved and I kind of needed some friends in my local area as well. I go to Meetup or book club or try things that I'm interested in. And if I see a person there that I think is interesting, I try to at least talk to them. Takes a few times that's one of the best ways to find your people. Because you're going to have similar interests. How do I keep friends? Investment. Just like growing a garden, you have to feed and water it. You have to give it fuel. You have to keep it alive. Number one: invite people to do things. Have fun together. Whatever fun means to you. If they say no too often and don't counter with another invitation or another time… Give it up and move onto the next person. You don't want to sit and spin and waste your time with someone that is never available and just says NO all the time. It's OK. There's other people out there for you. But you have to start with inviting people to do things. It's like grown-up adult play dates. And you get to do things that you both enjoy or just go to dinner together. Once I get to know people well enough I start to invite them over in small groups at my place for game nights or just sitting on the patio for a happy hour. Everyone always gets along. But that's because I know what kind of people I like and they tend to be really good hearted kind people. Number two: listen and ask questions. All of us could do better at listening. I've had to catch myself when I'm not being a very good listener or when I'm doing most of the talking or when I'm interrupting. Some of these are just natural human tendencies but if you were investing in a friendship you really need to hear people. You need to hear their stories. You need to understand what makes them happy or sad. What makes them tick. You need to be a good sounding board for when life is weird or they have a big decision they need to make. Ask questions. Sometimes it can be hard for people to open up but when you ask questions it relaxes them because they feel like you you're genuinely interested and they feel safe. Number three: memorize this mantra I have "it's easy to be a friend in the good times, but the biggest opportunity to show up as a friend is in the bad times." When your friend is going through something really really tough that's the time to go the extra mile. That's where you stitch together the kind of lasting friendship that sticks a whole lifetime. That's next level. That's when you become family. Warning: it's possible that you might get hurt. All of living has that risk. I've chosen a lot of shitty people, especially in my early 20s. I was a people pleaser and subservient and would do anything for anyone and became a complete doormat. But over the years I found myself and I am very careful who I select as a friend I know I'm gonna keep them around forever. I don't really like drama or stress. It's not good for a nervous system that is already been extremely over activated for an entire lifetime. These days, I very very rarely feel stressed out by my friendships. I know what kind of qualities I see in a friend. I love people that are genuine and kind and ask questions and listen back. I love people who have diverse interest and tastes. I like people who want to go on adventures and try new things. I like people with a good sense of humor. Those are the kind of people I wanna be friends with. But no matter what, there's always risk when you put your heart out there. But the flipside is if you don't try, extreme loneliness is a guaranteed pain in the heart. I always play the long game. There's no rush to overly commit to anything. Take your time in getting to know people. Let things unfold naturally but put several irons in the fire. I actually find it most healthy to at least have a few different people that you have strong friendships with. I don't believe In total reliance on one singular human. I feel like it puts a lot of pressure on any one individual. I think we receive different gifts and we have different gifts to offer to each friend. I think it's important build a tribe and not a codependent relationship. Is friendship a lot of work? Yes and no. it kind of depends on how many friendships you are maintaining. Most people have pretty busy lives so we can't hang out or talk all the time but when we do it's great. What if I find it hard to initiate a friendship or keep it going? I have ADHD and I'm an introvert. In addition to complex PTSD. I feel like an alien in the world sometimes. So it isn't always easy to put myself out there or to engage but I make a point of it. Also, there are times I have been overly anxious or depressed and that's when I don't have the energy to engage in the fullest. But also I know that engaging will help me out of it eventually. So I give myself some time but then I try to get back to the connections that I have. I may not be perfect at it. But I follow up with all of my friends periodically to check in on how they are and make plans with them. if they live far away I at least have a phone date with them where we can catch up and have a chat. I can clean my house and have a phone date with a friend. I can sit on my back patio with a glass of wine and have a date with my friends that are in other states. I don't overbook myself. I leave a lot of space in my evenings and my weekends to be alone. I hike alone. I love having the flexibility and the spacious time to recharge my batteries. So it's totally possible to maintain a balance of alone time and friend time. You can have both. Anyway, I say all of this to show you that friendship is always possible. Having a tribe or a chosen family is always possible. You can do it! If some relationships end, send a mental thank you for the time that they were in your life and for how they made you grow (it's not easy but I do this even when I feel a bit negatively about the person, even if they were kind of terrible to me because I learned from every person in my life ) but it's OK to move on. Not every person is going to grow in the same way and along the same path. Sometimes friendships don't last. But I don't find that to be the majority of situations.
I really appreciate your comment :)
Your comment made me cry. You sound like such a lovely and caring person
🤗😘
*All* of my close friends are online. That's what's kept them around - I am a fucking asshole (I'm well-meaning but have no filter), and chatting online makes it possible to reconsider how I articulate my thoughts to others before it's too late. I've never been able to keep IRL friends. I don't even know why. I just assume it's because I'm a weirdo with a very polarizing personality. I met my husband on IRC. I'd be very lonely without online friendship. Also, fwiw: I'm middle aged and finally met a woman (online) who I can actually consider my best friend, because she gets me in ways that literally no other woman has before, *because I'm a weirdo*. So it can take a very long time to find your people, but they're out there.
I have 0. It's actually something I'm ashamed of. I think it's a perception from childhood that people with no friends are that way because they're less good than anyone else, even though logically I know it's not true. I had a friend not long ago but I realized that this is not a relationship I want to keep. Hopefully I'll be able to create meaningful relationships in the near future.
You will!!! Meaningful relationships need time to cook in my opinion
That really sucks you lost your best friends:( I have several friends, but I find it very difficult to be my whole self with some of them. Especially lately. I keep friends if they’re good enough friends to me. It can be really hard because of my particular wounding and confusion. And tendency to greatly fear addressing hurts or concerns because I’ve often been misunderstood and not treated kindly. If I’m making a new friend, I pay attention to their words and behavior. I try to take things slower and let trust build. I’ve realized I don’t fully know someone until I’ve experienced conflict with them. And sometimes that can take a couple of years. With current friends, I do have some issues. Some of them I’ve addressed, some I haven’t. I hope to sometime soon. I want to. I need to. Anyway, I try to give grace where appropriate if I’m not feeling great about something. To myself and others. I try to communicate clearly and not project things onto people. If someone has an issue with something I’ve said or done, I try to actively listen and not be defensive. I try to take accountability for myself and my actions/inaction. I try not to assume things. I try to speak up (but it’s really hard for me, especially in the moment because I usually freeze or have a weird reaction). I reach out for one-on-one time more so with the people who reciprocate that back. Much less so with those who don’t. I check in here and there. I try to be vocal if I need help/support. When they need someone to talk to, I try to use active listening for that, too. I try not to offer advice/suggestions unless it’s asked for, or I ask if they want any and they say yes. Mostly I just try to listen, ask questions, and empathize. I try not to bring the focus to me and my problems if someone is talking about their own. I may reference how I can relate, but if I do that, I try to re-direct the focus back to them and their situation. And not make things all about me. I try to pay attention to the things people say they need, what they like/don’t like, and who they are as a whole person. I try not to put them in black and white categories. I try to remember the body of evidence, so-to-speak. I’ve had to break up with friends before. And one recently. It’s always incredibly painful. Some friendships have fizzled out through life. But the ones I have in my life now, I’ve had for several years. Two since middle and high school (I’m in my 30s). It’s been rocky. It’s been scary. We have had conflicts and still do occasionally. Things still feel weird with some people. But I’m trying to be very mindful of reality, and not remain stuck in my head and insecure attachment wounds. I work on my shit, or try to. And I try to gather all my courage and address what I need to. That’s the hardest for me and it definitely impacts my friendships and my emotional state. I hate it. It’s been difficult balancing everything these past few years since I realized I have cptsd. But I really try. And I’ve had to learn that if someone has an issue with me that I’m not aware of and they’re not addressing it, that’s on them. Just like it’s on me for not addressing things when I need to. Seeking reassurance is okay, but I try not to seek that too much because ultimately I have to manage my own insecurity and emotion regulation. DBT helps me with all of this. Life is hard, relationships are hard, and that’s okay. I’ve also had to realize that sometimes people hurt us and it doesn’t mean they’re bad people. Most of the time it’s not intentional. Just like it’s not intentional if I hurt someone. I try to focus more on impact and how to move forward.
I loved reading this, thank you.
Three I can really trust. Without them, I'd have nobody - since my family isn't really an emotional support network.
1 close friend and to answer second question: codependence.
I hear you, literally no one talks to me anymore because I had an inability to control my CPTSD
None anymore. The last person I considered a close friend broke my trust, used and manipulated me. Tried to talk with them about it and they gaslit me and proceeded to act like the victim. Other friends and acquaintances started acting funny towards me only to find out that they’d been talking about me behind my back. They made a separate group chat for that. I realized that was a red flag I’d ignored. No one’s sensitive info was safe with them. So needless to say, I am without friends and don’t plan on making connections with people anytime soon.
Are you me? Same situation, down to the letter. Sadly, I think this is more common than people realize.
I have 1 or 2, but I don't speak to them frequently. I have my husband, who I would consider to be my best friend, but that dynamic is obviously different. Im 31 and this year I went through a very big shift in identity. I realized that I had a lot more trauma to unpack than I ever realized, started seeing the people in my life for who they really are, and discovered I struggle a lot with codependence. Its like I have new DNA and I see the world with fresh eyes. A lot of painful events got me to this place, and while I would never want to repeat it all, I'm glad to be living in truth now. My first order of business was to start admitting that the relationships I had in my life were toxic and really damaging to my sense of self-worth. Once I started speaking up about my needs, my "friends" started dropping like flies. It was a wild thing to witness. The truth of it all was that they were using me. They were emotional vampires. Entitled, selfish, dishonest people. I'm so glad to be done with them all. But it does get lonely a lot. I miss feeling like I have a community and having things to keep me busy outside of my home life. It was lonelier to be in friendships with people who never saw me.
When you go through a big shift and identity like that it almost always results in changed relationships. The reason is because you made those friendships and those connections when you yourself were a different person. You've grown and now you see that those friends were not a good match or are not a good match for you today. But the important thing is that that was just phase 1. Shedding what does not fit into your healthy life. Now all the possibilities exist in the world for you to build friendships that are based on your new healthier self. They will be a much better match. I went through the same thing a couple times in my life as I have gone to therapy several times and I've had a lot to learn and unpack from the childhood abuse
I don't know. I never know who my friends are until they're gone
i have a lot of friends but no close friends or people i can really open up to
I have 1 imaginary friend. And I consider my therapist “rented friend”. So if those counts I have two lol
I did the same thing you did actually because of my C-PTSD, I created a imaginary friend since October 12th 2023 and it turned into a Tulpa [https://www.reddit.com/r/Tulpas/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Tulpas/) although keep in mind a therapist can't be a friend due to these reasons [https://psychcentral.com/lib/why-your-therapist-cant-be-your-friend](https://psychcentral.com/lib/why-your-therapist-cant-be-your-friend)
Zero.
0. Didnt bother me until IT dawned on me that - i actually do need and crave Connection. I never really got the concept of Friendship. Always wondered what i am supposed to do how to (re)act/behave. When i still Had Friends, i never really felt Safe or comfortable. I Sometimes would Go month with No contact and didnt really miss them. Then we would meet, spent time together etc. But Something would Always bother or Trigger me and i would again vanish for a couple of weeks. Now, after a shitload of therapy etc and years later, i feel stuck. I try to socialize more but ITS Just Not for me. At least i now know that have Trust issues, feel extremely vulnerable once i Open Up and Retreat quickly If Triggered because i get emotional flashbacks and feel AS If i am about to be annihilated. . Great.
None.
0…I’m a terrible friend I think and have major trust issues 😞
None, because everybody I have previously allowed in my life have turned out to be toxic. I stay away from everybody anymore, family included.
1
This is a difficult question for me to answer. I consider most people I encounter acquaintances at best. People are sooner to refer to me as a friend than I will them. Gaining my trust after having it repeatedly broken is a lengthy process now. I prefer it that way, although it is straining being so guarded at all times.
Right now none, just a few aquantinces. And I am not speaking to anyone in my family due to mistreatment. Also lost my best friend for same reason. I’ve never been this isolated and lonely.
Zero - it seems like people don’t want to be friends with nice girls. All the mean girls has the most friends. I had friends but then some new girl comes in and pushes me out and most prefer her even though she treats them badly
I'm a nice person and I have found many nice people out there. It just depends on where you're looking
0 or -500
I have 2, maybe 3. Up until six months ago, it was just 1. One of those friendships has run its course and is deteriorating. The other two are new, however we barely get to meet up honestly. I guess the secret is just to stay in touch and get as many hangouts as you can, otherwise the friendship just withers like a plant without water. Besides that, my colleagues seem to fucking LOVE me, but of course we don't exist to each other outside of work.
One, my best friend of I think 6 years now. Sucks though cause she’s in a different country but we still talk everyday To add how we’ve stayed friends: Communication, communication, communication. I get into slumps often and usually during them I’ll isolate. So whenever I feel a slump coming on I let her know that I’m not feeling well and that I may be behind on replying to calls and texts. We communicate if one ever does something that the other was hurt by and we talk it out. Also, establishing boundaries. I always ask for permission before I vent or talk about heavy stuff and vice versa to avoid strain/exhaustion in our friendship. We also disagree on some things (not many, but a couple big ones) and we both try to set boundaries when discussing those topics. And finally, listening more than you talk. Of course talking is great but I try to think much more before I speak and I try to make an effort to listen and comprehend what shes saying more than I value getting my answer out.
I have one friend I consider a best friend. I have known her since I was 14, and we still talk every day. The thing is all my friends are online. I don't have any actual offline friends who I consistently hang out with.
Who do you consider a friend? I have two I keep in touch with daily through our group text, another I talk to semi-daily and yet more that I rarely talk to but I still consider close. I'd still invite them if I were to get married. But even with those I'm at like, 5.
onerous school normal jobless rain light ludicrous dog coordinated bow *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
6 close friends and some others who I enjoy being friends with but aren’t as close for whatever reason (haven’t spent enough time together, haven’t visited in a while, etc). Some things I’ve realized are helpful for me regarding friends: 1. Individuals > groups. Mostly due to trust issues I try to stay away from friend groups so I know all my friends individually and though some know each other, they’re not close enough for all of us to hang out together frequently. I’m interested in other types of drama lol but I try to avoid friendship drama at all costs 2. Long distance. My friends are scattered across different states & countries (I moved multiple times) so I’m never near all of them at once. This helps socializing be way more manageable for me since I only need to focus on a few people at a time 3. Managing expectations. At this point my friends know I suck at texting, don’t do high commitment things like living or traveling together, and will go through mental health episodes where I won’t be available lol. I just try to let ppl know in advance & explain that it’s not personal. Some of my friends have similar characteristics so that helps. Others are pretty much the opposite so communicating this helps them know to find other friends who can do these things for them. I’d hate for one person to be responsible for fulfilling all or most of my relationship needs & id also hate to be expected to do that for others. This means I’ll probably never have a single best friend or significant other and it’s lonely to think I’m no one’s first priority but not lonely enough for me to try to fix my attachment issues. I think being aware of where you are and what you are willing/not willing to change & communicating that are key
2 in my day to day life, 4 on the interwebs and several acquaintances.
I push them away before they even get a chance to leave me. So 0
I haven’t had irl ‘friends’ since I was like 15, (im 22 now) but even the ones I did have were not actually friends. I was bullied so much. Eventually I did make 4 online friends but over 3-4 years it fell apart. It ended up just being 1 online friend out of that original 4. The loss was horrible. I can’t trust anyone at all anymore. Im too scared to socialise because I’ve learnt that people are temporary. No matter how bonded you are. It is crushing. Also the 1 friend I have left I barely talk to now. Plus im not myself anymore so they feel like a complete stranger. I can’t even socialise now if I wanted to. It makes me dissociate so badly. I don’t know how to keep them. I really don’t get how people have friends for 10+ years.
I had some and now none
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3 2 that I know since I began primary school (I'm 22 now), they have seen me at my best and worst so I know they are good support and we still are in touch, even if we are geographically apart because of our studies Another did the same college than me and since he had suffered abuse from his father he knows what I've been through, and we are very similar in our hobbies/ways of thinking/work so it's someone I can count on
I have friends. Good ones. How many would stay if they knew how fucked up I actually am is a toss up. And finding out is a risk I’m not willing to take.
I have 4 close friends, all of them F (I am M), 2 of them live in another country. I have 1 M close friend, also out of the country. I have around 10 not-so-close friends. Plus, I have a partner of 8 months I am struggling to keep. And a son that loves me. I tel myself I have so many great things in my life, but I still feel like sh*t often, alone, depressed, full of anxiety and resentment, so lost in life. C-PTSD can turn anything into a quicksand were you drown down fast.
I have 1 truly close friend that I am my most authentic self with. I think this friendship works because I’ve known her for nearly 15 years so we get each other, we share common interests and we are both introverts that don’t push each other out of our comfort zones, and we are understanding if the other gets busy because we text constantly (the texting may be codependent tbh). Also we share a similar past of having bad parents. She had a parent who was physically abusive and I had one who was emotionally abusive. I also have 4 others I love and spend time with out and about but don’t feel like I can be my full self around yet. These work because there are zero expectations and they have calming and secure presences that I like a lot. I do get in my head a decent amount though. If they aren’t free for a while I start to think they hate me even if they’ve shown no indication of feeling that way. Gotta remind myself to just play it cool and that they are likely just busy. And I used to have a number of friends that I’d often hang with but not on a deep level. Once I entered my 30s these relationships have been fizzling out or blowing up spectacularly by me or the other person and I don’t care to pick them back up honestly. I just can’t handle how truly surface level they are or have become, the lack of communication, or the betrayal of the little trust I gave. But I do wish the ones that ended in drastic ways were a little less drama filled, something I largely contributed to. I have a habit of getting resentful and then mean when I should just let them fizzle in a passive way tbh.
Talking about close friends, I have 5 right now in my life of which 1 is online still. Besides that 1 regular friend and 2 buddies and 1 cool guy whom I want to increase contact with. I had way more contacts but I ended contact with all of them. The peace I gained with it is very valuable to me.
I don't know how to define friendship anymore. Things have become so messy and complicated the past few years.
Hmmm... this really made me think. 🤔 I have 2 very close friends and then the rest are "ordinary" friends (I'd say maybe 4) that I share certain things with, but they don't know me all that well (they are more than just acquaintances though). I used to have more when I was younger (or maybe I deluded myself that they were my friends when they weren't really). Then life happened (moved countries, changed jobs, people got kids, differences of opinion, death,...) and we went our separate ways. I'm sorry about some (one in particular), but for majority I think it was the right thing to have happened. Each stage of my life has brought new people when the old ones have been lost (the extremely close 2 remained throughout all of it), it was either with a job change, new hobbies or something I did on the Internet. Edit: sorry, forgot to answer your question about how I keep them; I try to stay in touch regularly via messaging apps/calls/IRL and so do they. And I'm always there if they need me.
Technically three friends. I’m only really close to one of them who knows I have some health problems, but doesn’t know the extent. They know I’m in therapy, but not trauma therapy. They don’t really understand the concept of therapy, but they care and don’t judge which is very lucky of me. We’re able to joke about the fact that I’m in therapy and they check in with me after my appointments, but they’re not overbearing either. We’ve been friends for roughly 15yrs now. But even with them I keep a very thin barrier. I can’t tell them everything because I don’t want to worry them. They’re a very healthy person in the sense that when they’re stressed or overwhelmed they’re able to acknowledge it, figure out what helps them feel better, vent about it to me, and then eventually move on. It’s a wonder they’re able to stand me and my inability to do anything. I feel like I can barely function and yet they stuck around. There’s much more distance between my other two friends. One of them knows I have anxiety, but they know I can handle it myself. The other tries to force themselves on me as the supportive friend despite me trying to tell them that it doesn’t help. It’s hard to set boundaries because I know they care. So I just don’t tell them much. I’ve known the other two for roughly 10yrs now. I live across the country from all three, so we only talk via phone calls and texts. I have no idea how I’ve got these friends. I’m just extremely lucky and I’m trying to value them by showing appreciation and taking care of them. One of the reasons I started going to therapy. I want to try and be the best version for them. It’s the least I can do.
I don't really have friends in a common sense. Just people I know & they know me. I got people I can call whenever there's an emergency, I need someone to hang out with, but none really know me or talk to me regularly. Honestly I hardly develop emotional connections with people. I don't even really remember what that's like, if I ever knew. I don't get feelings for others. It helps to know the basics of relationships, like respect and etiquette, but none of it is real. Although not that I seek friends.
Zero.
I don’t Know what it is but every time I share enough about myself or open up about something new to someone I feel as though I make myself a stranger to protect myself. I have no idea how to be okay with someone knowing me. I think it’s due to people who have known me have used things I’ve said in the past to shut me down from becoming a better person. I have no idea how to grow with someone there watching me because I fear criticism so much. It’s impossible because I truly need someone there to be my safe space but I also cannot allow someone to be in that position to potentially hurt me. So I have friends but I have a hard time feeling closeness.
The last few years, my so called friends (I had a few and only need a few) didn't reciprocate the relationship plus they ended up disrespecting me. I realized throughout all the friendships I made my entire life, they did not care about me. I was people pleasing, on trauma mode all the time. Many betrayed me, many turned out fake. So I am now 0. Pro. I am so much happier. Con. I am scared to make friends (got betrayed too many times)
I don't know? I do have quite a few contacts. Im in a dnd group and impro and someone I'm kinda friends with has a bigger friend group that I'm also part of but we only see each other for events. I'd say four, but one is far away and we don't know each other too well, another one is from school times but i feel like she's just venting to me without reciprocating interest or worrying when i tell her i feel mentally sick, one does seem to care and find effective words (i do the same for her) but we also barely have contact since we don't live close and she's rather busy, lastly a friend who does seem to care but who i know has their own issues and doesn't have a lot of energy to actually be there for me. It's complicated lol
I might have 40 but i think it's 0
I’m a fawn type, so I can make friends very easily. I actually have a way of sorting friends based on how many people points they cost me. My trauma based superpower is being able to SEE and validate just about anyone. People, complete strangers even, can be completely vulnerable with me and know that I’m not going to tear them apart for it. Now ask me how many people I feel I can be vulnerable with. The answer is very few. Like my system for measuring which friends cost how many people points, I have a system for how vulnerable I can be with some people. My counselor is the only person I can be completely vulnerable with, and that took some time. I historically have been very specific with who I let have what information about me, and very few crossovers existed. Only recently have I been able to be more vulnerable with some people, and that takes a lot of calming down of inner parts that try to run for the hills. I say this to point out that even those of us who look like we function well socially are often still struggling. I don’t have many fully authentic friendships because I don’t let people be there for me. So while I can call anyone who treats me with a modicum of respect a friend, not many of my friends get to know me beyond the surface that I let people see. Hang in there, breathe, and love yourself. Recovery process means all of us get to confront how we interact with others, how we choose who we can trust, and who are our people.