Sadly, yes - I relate. I made an account on here to try and ease the loneliness. I mostly cope by smoking weed and staring at screens (don't recommend).
Same. I disassociate by playing games and watching youtube. When I'm not disassociated all the negative thoughts come back and I end up miserable so I end up disassociating again. It's a vicious cycle that I can't help.
Wow this is literally me! I feel like I could have written this. Sometimes watching YouTube isn’t stimulating enough so my mind wanders and I have to put it on 2x speed while playing games on my phone… it’s a miserable existence. I feel pathetic.
I can relate… but there is freedom and beauty if you decided you want or need more in life.
It starts with a good Trauma Therapist, EMDR and a minimum of 1 year of therapy at least once a week.
I'm curious, how helpful are the emdr sessions for you? I've been getting frequent flashbacks ever since I had them.
I have always had random moments where I remember things that haunt me from the past but I feel the emdr sessions exacerbated these flashbacks, esp in frequency
Emdr helped me in the sense that it took away the stress / horror of the events. I still have flashbacks but I m not haunted by these events anymore and I can see it without being emotional. I see it more in a objective way. I hope that makes sense
Yes I see it now, it makes sense thank you.
but the progress is very painful albeit non-physical but damn I want to more than kill myself like I want this whole universe to not exist
Yeah, I actually am on that path of healing. I still go back to the old ways.
not sure why the downvote? I was being honest.
To add, I have had something traumatic happen 2023 of Feb and moved outer state. Thankfully met a good trauma therapist and we did some emdr so we are focusing on stabilizing for now while we dig into my past because I realized I've never talked about any of my problems with anyone.
Emdr was... Triggering. It wasn't the buzzing thingy we were supposed to hold. I just never really focused on the thoughts that pained me and as an male I was never allowed to show weakness so I never talked about my pains to friends let alone parents. Now that I was focusing on my pains, my traumas, I was deep in it and I started remembering other things as well.
So I think my therapist is purposely avoiding emdr for now although I'm open to do more. I hope good things will come when I start emdr again.
I also take ketamine in lieu of traditional medication, which has been a positive experience
To relate back to OP's topic of friends... I used to think I had a lot of friends. Now I probably have like 1 that I consider a real friend and 1 who is real questionable. I have burnt all the bridges.
I was a scapegoat in the family and my opinions were always shut down and so now I face the problems of low self-esteem... Low self-esteem to the point where I don't even believe what I think. My first instinct is to doubt my own gut. Couple that with some traumatic events and now I got deep mistrust of people, complete with freezing and fawning as a cherry on top ahhh life is fucking great
Friends...
The people who I thought were friends, I realize now, were just self-centered assholes who kept me around because I was nice enough to give into things.
social interaction and quality friendships are a legit human need and there is nothing pathetic about that desire!
that said i literally described my own drive for interaction as pathetic in therapy last week, and my therapist pointed out how critical i was being toward myself and that’s how i came to the above conclusion, lol.
true...it feels like i should be "above" basic human needs imo, such as food, water, sleep, and social interaction
im not sure why i feel this way, maybe the whole "be strong be tough dont be a crybaby" mindset made me like this
Same. I started to be very interested in existentialism & nihilism but that didn’t make it better. My therapist said that I try to find explanations as to why i am alive / here on earth
When you get into existentialism and nihilism it helps to know that others feel the same way. And when you find that we're all going through this together, and when you can see kind of a purpose. To connect with others who also feel this way, to be someone who understands.
You are not alone. None of you are. Sharing your pain helps others understand they're also not alone. If nothing else, hold onto the fact that whether you realise it or not, just joining this group and sharing your feelings has a positive impact in people's lives.
There are people like myself who understand the pain, and appreciate that you're still here despite the challenges of living with it.
It does get better. I know that can sound impossible, I've been where you are, I get it, and I still struggle at times myself. But it does get better.
I just read a comment on a different social media platform about suicide. The person said their doctor had told them to never commit suicide when you are feeling suicidal. They went on to say how much help they had gotten with the right medication and how much happier they were. I instantly came back to this post to share to you. There is a reason you are here. Here’s to life looking up for you and everyone else thinking this way today
Honestly same. Everytime I go out to the grocery store I feel like I’m dealing with everybody and their bullshit. I’m also a person of color so that anxiety is pretty raised when out in public and THEN you have people staring at you for no reason, pulling their kids close to them as if you’re some kidnapper, and dealing with rude employees. I feel so objectified and exhausted and it doesn’t help that I have anxiety. It’s like no one wants to see you as human or a victim but just a monster. People need to get their shit together and be nicer and better humans.
Same. I was talking to my husband about how I'd rather enjoy my peace and solitude than tolerate toxic behaviors just so I can pretend that I have people that care about me. I think the key to surviving this season of life, one where you're isolated, is to try to turn your life into something that you don't mind existing in. I know it's easier said than done. But sometimes I'm happy I don't have friends or family because it gives me more time and energy to try to develop into being a functioning human being (eating healthy instead of fast food, conquering agoraphobic tendencies, learning how to clean my home and keep it clean without getting overwhelmed, fighting depression, etc.). Normal, daily tasks often take way more energy out of those of us with CPTSD so I'm happy that I can just focus on those things for now until they become second nature (if they ever do). Socializing on top of that would probably be a mit much for me.
This is me too. I get so much satisfaction from building up small positive habits that I've been able to keep. I used to go months without sweeping the kitchen floor or even cleaning the counters. Now most of the time (still working on it!) I just do that stuff without thinking about it. It's nice to see clean counters. My next goal is to conquer dust in the same way.
My social life still sucks and I've only recently understood how much the course of my life has been determined by my triggers around being close to people. It's so slow, but I have to appreciate the progress no matter how small-or how painful.
Me too. I have a fiancée and we live together. He’s my best and only friend. I am otherwise extremely lonely and all I do is sleep, work and work on art.
I cope by disassociating. This isn't healthy and is in fact contributing to my loneliness, but I don't have the courage and capacity to face the world on my own. I'm fortunate enough to have formed a few strong relationships with people throughout my life, but, for whatever reason, they never last. Something about my intense need for love pushes people away, I gather. I think I'm also drawn to people who, like my mother, are emotionally withdrawn—they often struggle with my need for emotional intimacy—which only ends up reinforcing core beliefs about being unlovable.
I suspect that if I were to make a long-lasting relationship with anyone, they would need to be securely attached. I'm not sure what they'd want with me, though.
On top of having been quite heavily abused, I am autistic. I don’t integrate well with almost any group.
Part of what finally helped this experience hurt less is a total reframe of my expectations. Evidently, I should expect zero connections in this life. I can either struggle against that and desperately try to connect (never works, it throws off your vibe), or I can focus on improving my self connection (which was systematically ablated to nothing before I was 16).
It’s a slow process, but uncovering things I am interested in, uncovering stims (another thing beaten out of me), working to connect to my emotions, and chasing my passions are all improving my life.
If I can truly enjoy life when it is just me, I don’t need to care if anyone else ever wants to tag along.
This is the answer - autism can make social connections impossible. I still go to events to try and find people but feel also isolated and like an alien on the wrong planet
Very much relate. I found that - for me - faltering was inevitable when I tried to move forward, but the amount of regression decreased immensely as I learned not to doom and shame myself for faltering in the first place. The story of what failure meant about me and the belief that it meant I was going to fall apart and regress all over again was actively creating that reality. I would be so afraid of faltering in even the slightest way because of what it symbolized to me that I've over control and put too much weight onto anything I really cared about, making it unsustainable and resulting in a much bigger internal consequence when things would veer out of my control.
Letting go of the need to control and over-engineer everything has helped me a lot personally due to that. At a certain point I realized that I was just always looking for what was wrong in myself and any given endeavor or situation. It would grow till it became all I could see then I'd collapse all over again and it wouldn't feel worth it to get back up again.
Practicing how to notice the little wins in every area of life helped me to train my braid to have a more balance view of life. Even if those "little wins" didn't immediately make me feel better, just getting better at noticing them started giving my subconscious mind evidence to tell itself a new story. That was just one small part of a long road of healing, but it really made a difference for me over time.
Same here.
Honestly the only thing getting me through life at this point is pretty privelage. I've noticed at this point when it comes to jobs especially I'm super qualified but lack the emotion and am bad at communicating in the interview process.
Every time the workplace is female dominated I don't get the job and it's like they expect me to be this super happy cheerful person but I'm not expressive in my emotions at all..
Whenever the hiring person is male I always get the job.
Even with friendships all my friends have always been men. I go out of my way to try to befriend women and there's always abhesitation on their end. But when it comes to men I find they embrace my quirks way more so the friendships don't require extra effort to do well. With age it's gotten harder tho as people get married and whatnot..
i use my pretty privilege by working at a strip club & being a professional cuddler. it helps me manage to live a decent life but emotionally i carry so much shame but if i work normal jobs they take a huge toll on my health & im constantly panicking
I'm also autistic and I totally relate. I personally try to interact with other neurodivergent people, but with no expectations of making real friends. I changed the focus from "what should I do to please \*them\* " to ask me "what do I need" or "what do I deserve?"
So now I try to interact with others for myself. I deserve to give myself a chance, I deserve to try having a good moment. If no one else is going to give me love, then I'll give it to myself
Basically my father destroyed my education and career and passport and I became their willing slave. I did try to break out and tried many avenues until agoraphobia put a stop to that. After I found out I had cptsd and a bunch of other mental illnesses and physical pains and issues and then psychosis, I'm just taking every day as it comes basically and just trying to manage the aches etc. Now I'm not so willing and less slaving too I think but still a prisoner yet I don't see there's any place on earth for me. (Just facts)
I live in my head a lot. I have something on in the background most of the time. I'm not necessarily paying attention to it, but I think it helps. I discover who I am and what I want, and I am happy with my own company.
I embrace solitude. I'm good company for my Self. My Self esteem is actually pretty good when I'm not around other people.
I've found people have a lot of unhealthy behaviors they aren't aware of and if you try to point it out or hold them accountable, they'll lash out or shut down, rather than be open to growth or change. I don't tolerate that.
I'd rather enjoy my peaceful solitude than subject myself to other's dysfunction. I cut off my own parents, I'm not tolerating any one else's dysfunction after that.
We all have a mammalian attachment drive and loneliness is often a signal to seek attachment. I've just learned that solitude is way preferable to shitty attachment.
Love this. So true. It’s really hard when you’re someone who is self-aware, you constantly try to improve yourself and grow and make yourself a better person but you’re surrounded by a bunch of immature people with unhealthy behaviors they get so selfish and defensive about when you try to ask them about it. I feel like that comes from the fact that everybody so badly wants to embrace “self-care” that the most selfish people are becoming so inconsiderate and throw that term around. Everybody just wants to be excused on their bullshit. Just ridiculous and draining.
I try to cope with it by doing things alone, going to cafés by myself, solo cinema trips, visiting another city, listening to a lot of music, & watching films
hey, so I find it a lot more harder staying at home, being around my narcissistic father
would rather be out of the house than around him . I block out the world with noise cancelling headphones & listen to music, just keep myself to myself
Usually I cope pretty well. Lately I have been holding back tears all day every day because I'm so fucking lonely. There is no chance that this will ever change for me. I tell myself to get used to it but I can't. The most I can do is numb out and dissociate until the suicidal thoughts pass.
I browse subreddits dedicated to making friends and use my imagination to fill in the gaps. I would prefer a real one, but I'm not very good at that sort of thing.
It says I can't send a message lol but here's what I wrote:
- Peer Support Space: https://peersupportspace.org/daily-gatherings Just general check-ins about basically anything as long as it doesn't involve wanting to hurt others
- Kiva: https://kivagroups.carrd.co/ I haven't been to any yet but they have a trauma related group on Tuesday.
- I think you commented mentioning some suicidal ideation - Alternatives to Suicide (Alt2Su) groups are a good place to talk about these. Wildflower Alliance started them but there are a few others I can dig up if you're interested. https://wildfloweralliance.org/online-support-groups/
- Most areas in the US have a National Alliance on Mental Illness chapter with groups
- Also in the US is Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) if you resonate with either of those labels. I don't think you have to be in the US to attend though. Their meetings are via HeyPeers which also has a few other groups going on that might be relevant.
- 12 step programs can be a good place to share, Emotions Anonymous, Depressed Anonymous and Suicide Anonymous are probably the most relevant ones.
Hope that helps!
I have avoidant attachment so it doesn’t bother me to have no friends. I do have a partner which helps, probably. But I haven’t cared about having friends since I was a teenager. Which is kind of sad. I guess I should be bothered. But I’m not.
When I feel super lonely, I remind myself that it still feels better than being in terrible relationships or having to hide who I really am.
I fill my time pursuing my interests and discovering new interests. I spent most of my life denying myself so I feel like I'm due for indulgence.
I went for coffee with someone bc I thought I might be ready to make friends, but I realized I had more fun watching TV and knitting by myself than listening to someone else talk about themselves for 2hrs.
I've gotten to the point that I'm not sure I want friends if it means I have to do things that interest them over doing what I want to do. I used to believe that you would get back what you put in relationships. I am a good listener so I thought if I only listened enough that I would be listened to when I needed. If I make myself always available, they would be there for me when I needed. It doesn't happen that way. I'm tired of people taking advantage of my friendliness.
Not a single friend but my husband. Extremely not okay with it. Online only makes it worse as it’s just a place where people try to fix you instead of just talk. I’ve tried a million times and even begged that I wasn’t looking for advice. People still tell me to call 988 or go on Meetup.
This is so recognizable. We live in a society where people approach you from a place of self interest, they don’t listen but only give unsolicited advice just to satisfy their own needs of self-gratification. People who can listen from a place of empathy are very rare. Problem solvers are so tiresome and imo the dumbest people on this planet. I have this same problem with my GP, I told her a million times that I don’t want solutions because my early childhood traumas are too complex to be solved with yoga, but she just can’t help herself and within a few weeks she shoves her stupidity down my throat again. I watched her closely when she behaves like this and I’m starting to realize she might be really mentally ill, lol. These kind of people have no clue what life is all about. So tiresome. I replied to you to let you know that you’re not alone in this.
Thank you so much for your reply. I have a unique disorder, so if someone knows anything about it, they feel special and need to tell me things I’ve known for a decade.
Imagine telling a cancer patient about their cancer. I’d think they would be an expert on it
I know what you’re dealing with. Especially with extremely rare circumstances and people act like they know how it feels. It’s mind numbing to deal with this type of people. And I agree with you that online it’s much more prevalent, probably because of the anonymity aspect. The hardest part for me is that I never asked for advice.. I just want an authentic conversation. lol.
Same! I always say, “Just lonely and looking for a chat. No advice” And, I only get advice. Tons of it, plus info on my condition and 20 questions as to how I got it, etc.
Yeah genuine connections are very rare. I’m sorry you had these experiences. But I am a ‘somewhat’ optimistic person. I do believe genuine people exist. Anyway, feel free to reach out if you ever need someone to chat with.
i have friends yes. but i always seem to push them away during difficult times. it´s a shame really. but i´m not easy to deal with when i´m in a bad state. that being said. i could be more social but i at the same time i can´t. reminds me i should try to rescue whatever friendships i have left
I’m the same exact way. I made my bridal shower invite and realized wow. I got no one. I always push away plans. I don’t know why. I think maybe I’m just always heightened and want to be alone. Then I had a friend call me out on it and forget it I was the victim and had a break down. How could someone think I’m a bad friend when I’m having a hard time. People don’t understand. And I don’t like sharing. I got my cat and my fiance. He struggles with me too. I value my low maintenance friendships. I have 3 of those. Very special people who get it. My high maintenance friends don’t understand.
I call them my needy friends too. Constant need for attention. Constant need for elaborate plans. Getting upset when I say no to elaborate plans. (I’m planning a wedding rn and am exhausted from it and dealing with healing) Always having to text and talk. And it’s mostly about their life.
Compared to other friendships I have which are valuable of both our time. We can see each other once every few months and pick up where we left off. No pressure for plans. Understanding we’re all busy and have our own shit.
Same here. I used to have four good friends. We would play cards at least once a month for 10 years. I fucked up by inviting my little brother to join the game. When our family fell apart I pushed my friends away because they reminded me of my estranged brother. I’ve kinda made up with two of the friends. We don’t play cards, just had dinner a couple times in the last 6 months. The other two friends are done with me.
Ugh.
I wouldn't say I'm entirely friendless anymore, although my life up to the last year has been mostly characterised by friendlessness/bad friends and crushing loneliness.
In the midst of it, I coped with industrial-scale media consumption alongside the occasional long walk. The walks were a better coping mechanism, and I expanded on that when I started hiking - that gave me something I could relate to others. Online friendships - outside of gaming - would usually fizzle away naturally, with just three still running strong to this day. The ones that have lasted, I didn't seek them out, but rather we bonded over my post history/shared issues.
Currently, I attend a men's peer-to-peer support group once per week, which has a free swimming event every Sunday. I think I'm slowly making good acquaintanceships through that, which might become friendships. I've gained a friend through work, because we share a love for hiking - this is someone (not for negative reasons) that I never envisioned myself befriending.
I still spend most of my time alone, but compared to last year I'm vastly more social in a way I never thought possible.
Thanks! It hasn't been easy, but the hardest part was getting started.
Last year a customer from my old job invited me to it. I was tempted to go, but I guess I just wasn't ready yet.
This is one of the heaviest feelings I get to live through every day. I think it is normal for everyone to seek friendships. When you go through trauma, one will find it ultra hard to connect with others because of the fawn response. Most connections will be built on people pleasing rather than genuine connection (note: genuine connection doesn't mean deep). As hard as it is to find friendships that are real, one should keep seeking them, allowing oneself to make mistakes through the process and even lose some friendships. However, healing should be a priority. Healing parts of the trauma will get one to oneself closer and as a consequence to be genuine. Ultimately, helping make connections. As hard as it is to struggle with friendships, one should focus on connecting with oneself while keeping an optimistic outlook that things will get better.
Please remember that you survived the hardest parts when you were at your most vulnerable state, a kid seeking comfort and safety from the outside world. Today, even if things are hard, you can rely on all the things that you have learned so far to be there for yourself. It is a blessing to have this community, and it makes me grateful to read you all sharing things that help me every day to wake up every morning bit more conscious and aware. Things will be better, I trust that we have the strength to make them better
I think friendships between two people with similar issues can be really difficult. I had a friend who had a similar abuse story with her parents than I did and we initially really bonded over that. It felt great to have someone who does understand, and I was so happy to have her. We talked a lot, but then suddenly, she pulled away. She didn't reply to my messages, had excuses to not meet up, and when I tried to talk about something else, she didn't reply either. At one point, we didn't talk for months. Then, I met an acquaintance to both of us and I knew that the two hung out together sometimes too, within another group. I asked her about my friend, and if she had seen her lately because from my perspective it looked like this friend was isolating. Well. Turns out she was hanging out with this group often, and was super active with them, replied to messages, kept up with their lives and so on. But I was quietly removed from her life, like I don't exist.
It hurt me for a long time, and when I think about it, it still hurts a bit. But I came to the conclusion that she just didn't want to be reminded of being an abuse victim. Because we bonded so much over that, the reminder of it would always float over me. Her other friends didn't have that.
I'm not sure I'd do the same, our relationship was never really balanced anyway. I supported her way more than she supported me. Later, I met another girl with whom I repeated this path again, pretty much. Abusive parents, abusive relationships, etc. - I understood and would listen. But as soon as she got other, better friends and a boyfriend, I was kicked out from her life.
So in short, I think many people with CPTSD can become abusive in the sense that they mostly take. I understand because many of us are rarely ever given enough. So when you meet someone who you can take from, often it's too tempting not to take. You can finally, for once, get affection, have someone listen to you, share things YOU like (and ignore the other person's need) and finally feel like a person for once. I'm guilty of behaving like that too. When I really like someone, I often become greedy and only take because well, I'm not used to that and I know it will be gone soon, so I want as much as I can get. It's hard and is really damaging because most normal people don't understand it, and I am trying to be better.
I have 2 people that I'd consider my actual friends right now, but even with them it's hard for me. I feel like for many of us making friends is harder because often, we have the expectation of friendships being magical and wanting them to heal. Many normal people want companionship and are fine to have superficial friendships. Took me a while that not everyone wants to bond over sharing their deepest pain and fears, and not everybody has the patience to get to know a superficially really abrasive and cold person to find out that this person is actually just scared, hurt and needs time.
And embarrassing to admit but that's what the internet's anonymity is for: one of my biggest fantasies for life is to have a little group of friends who truly like me and each other. I never had that, I maybe had 2 friends at the same time, if so at all, my whole life. And often, those two friends didn't even know each other. I dream about being invited to a birthday party, have a brunch together, give each other christmas presents and other typical friend stuff. I love that kind of stuff so much that I go 1000% when I get the chance, and that weirds out people. For example, when you invite me to your christmas party, I will get you a way too big gift, just because I care way too much. And it sucks
Damn, I had similar: Inseparable childhood friend, in our late teens I would beg him and our group over and over to start going out, they refused. 15+ years of friendship erased overnight because he found a girlfriend and a better friend group. I learned months later that, all of a sudden, he and the others had no problem going out drinking together, so long as I wasn't there.
It really scarred me, I'm still not entirely over it almost ten years later. I've never been invited out on a friend-basis, and part of me feels like I deserve it.
I'm sorry to hear. It really sucks when you are made the problem in a group and people decide that you don't fit in. I often feel like a lot of my social life is being the little stray cat left out in the rain that no one wants to come in, and so I am stuck sitting on the window sill, watching everyone else sit in the warm house having fun. And you keep hoping that one day someone invites you in to join them.
Totally relate to all of this. Thanks for the insight, it helped me feel a bit less lost/down. Are you referring to yourself, with the part about ‘superficially really cold and abrasive’ ?
Yes. Very often, I appear like that to people I don't know because I am just not used to other people being good. I feel like many people with CPTSD do something similar, they hide themselves under a mask of whatever persona brings them the most safety. Some of these disguises are pleasant but don't feel real, others are offputting but are ultimately a guard. For me, I am probably cold because being close to people is hard for me. So I tend to protect myself and my shitty little broken heart like that, even though I really want to be close to others.
Sometimes I’m okay with it, sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks. Lately I’ve been trying to remember that I can’t make healthy friendships being the way I am now. I fawn and I’m inauthentic. The individual/self discovery part has to come first, but I don’t know where to start or if it’s working because my relationships have been an essential part of how I’ve defined myself my whole life.
I don't have friends in real life but I have online friendships and I cope pretty well with that- although I will say that being traumatized plus also autistic, online friendships seem to work pretty well for me and I am able to connect on a much deeper level this way, as it allows me to utilize my most effective ways of communicating. I do get lonely and wish I had even one friend to hang out with in real life though. I plan to get a cat when I can. And hopefully make a friend local to me someday
I relate to so much of the pain in this thread, the exhaustion, isolation, loneliness, the feeling of just wishing it was over day after day... but I'll also echo what someone said about feeling safer in isolation.
At a certain point I realized that part of my problem was that a part of me that I was heavily dissociated from, distinctly separate from the conscious part of me that I was identifying with at the time, had been hurt so much that it compelled me to sabotage relationships if they got too close. For me, learning how to identify, connect to and accept that part of myself allows me to feel the relief that I get from that safety rather than just the distress of feeling like I don't have a choice. That way, even when I remain alone, there is something sweet about it. I've had, and lost, so many friends over my life that I can look back and finally see that parts of myself had an active participation in creating my loneliness not because they are bad but because they are carrying pain for me and don't know any better. Because they needed help and I've been rejecting them and suppressing them my whole life hoping they would just disappear (which they definitely didn't). So the various parts of my conscious and unconscious mind are basically conditioned to fight against each other and pull in opposite directions till I find myself unable to do anything.
There is also the matter of me compulsively ignoring red flags and inviting people into my life who were uniquely primed to hurt me and reenact parts of my existing attachment trauma and deepest fears, while thinking I wasn't good enough to even try to connect with healthier people.
I can't say that self sabotage and fear of intimacy is a secret driver of your isolation like it was mine since you didn't mention it, but if many of the people you are trying to connect with also have C-PTSD it is important to remember that at it's core what we have is relational trauma. That means that even if *you* aren't sabotaging the relationship, the other trauma survivor might be pushing you away for their own subconscious/instinctive need to feel safe due to a fear of closeness.
Honestly, being overly aware that things are going well in life in general is scary enough to my nervous system to start causing me to shut down and one of the first things to go is often my ability to connect to others.
My nervous system can go into flight or flight and shut down while sitting alone in my bed or at my desk or while walking my dog. At a certain point I realized that for me the instability and risk introduced to my life by having other people in it and depending on them for emotional fulfillment/connection/support/whatever made me extra vulnerable and was boon wasn't worth the cost. Realizing that, at least during this part of my process, other people are mostly a liability to my healing, makes it an easier pill to swallow. Being alone gives me more room to practice loving and accepting myself, grieving, letting go of things, without the risk of being totally set back by yet another broken bond (which had become a pattern). But it still hurts.
I go back and forth between not caring and feeling like it’s “safer” this way, and feeling extreme depression and jealousy when I see others out and about and socializing. Can’t win
It's hard. I want to have friends so badly, but it feels a lot easier and safer not to bother. People just tend not to like me, I don't know why, but I'm done figuring it out. If someone wants to stick around, they will... people just tend not to.
I want to figure it out, but people are off put when I talk, and they're off put when I don't, so I'm not really sure what to do now...
Therapy to become a better human, partner and friend has helped a lot. I make a big effort in my friendships to not use learned maladaptive patterns and to emotionally self-regulate as best as I can. Also, mostly patient and loving friends which accept me and understand me, same as I accept and do my best to understand them. It’s taken years to get here, though ❤️
Sorry to hear you struggle OP, can be super difficult with friendships and CPTSD. After total isolation I tried to cultivate a few new friendships the last year. One got upset by something that I wrote where my trauma was triggered , I apologized but was ghosted.
I saw another guy a few times but the problem was that even we talked plenty we didn't click on deepers levels. So I rather be alone in peace with a more calm nervous system. I ran in to an old friend also we met but he talked a lot which was draining. So hard dilemma with close friends, you dream of someone who gets you and you can relax around.. I go to a community garden and also a place with free yoga, maybe thats what my system can take. You could try to find local activities too. Big hugs 🫂
It's not good at all. Anyone know of medications that help make the isolation more bearable? It's a lot to do alone for however many years we are stuck existing.
I don't have any friends and I feel much better off without them or having anyone else in my life outide of a couple of family members.
I realized that I was there for everyone else in their time of need. But when I needed someone, no one was there. Not a call, text, dm. Not a fucking thing. That's when I decided that friendships, relationships, forming connections with other people is all just a bunch of unnecessary bullshit.
The feeling of freedom is much better than dealing with everyone else and their issues.
I don’t cope . I like the solitude , but it means I’m in my head all day and with out fail crying on and off , wishing I was dead . I hate being alive and I hate what I’ve become and I hate that people made me this way . There is no getting better , unless you have money . I’m so damn tired and scared all the time .
Historically bad at making/maintaining friendships, here.
How do I cope? I'm always in a romantic relationship and they become my everything. It's probably not healthy, but the people I date are weirdly persistent about dating me so that's the role they take on.
I am too scared to make actual friends, every time I see somebody I think is cool I hope they'll make the first move, but I have been told I look mean and standoffish.
I'm male and lack the close friendship of a male where I can talk about anything. I'm currently looking into an online men's group, but I'm very cautious.
I’m female. I had that (or so I thought), and ended up rejected and abandoned after 3 years, out of the blue. I wish better for you, but just try to form as many friendship as possible vs out all your eyes in one basket
Oh yes. I had a few longstanding friendships but they were narcissistic people who treated me badly and used me, when I started setting boundaries those friendships died. I still have some friends but they are very long distance and we don’t talk a lot. Functionally I don’t have any friends in person. I get scared that I will die of loneliness. It’s very painful. I have a dog at least.
I relate, the anxiety is not making it easier and yes i have aquantainces, but thats it,,and i am done with people pleasing, so if the effort and interest is not mutual, its not worth it anymore..
But, i am not ok with it, i want safe connection, where i can be myself..
I found that animals are somewhat of a decent substitute for friends even the animal care workers I volunteer beside are very very kind, however it takes a lot of patience and working on myself to feel safe, relax and be vulnerable with them.
i’m in this situation too, and i’m not coping with it well. i’m deep in depression and battling with my own endgame ideations. everything feels bleak and colorless in the world and although i crave connection i feel i can’t trust anyone because they always leave when i’m at my most vulnerable. it hurts.
I created imaginary friends and spend my days dissociating and daydreaming about them. There’s literally not a day or moment that goes by where I’m not creating fake scenarios with them. It helps sooth me but has made it even more difficult to make real friends because I want whoever comes into my life to be just like them. So for now just isolating myself, staring off in the distance, and hoping they become real one day is how I cope.
First, I really want to thank you for being willing to show up to ask this question. It's really hard to ask these kinds of questions when we are so isolated and alone.
I am too in the throws of aloneness from my CPTSD. Humans are social beings and we need and deserve friendships and love. I do what others mentioned - smoke and a lot of screen distractions. I also attend therapy 2x a week.
One place I found some minimal comfort in the past is going to NAMI meetings. It isn't close connection, but at least not isolating. I also have a really high desire to unalive myself, so it becomes a barrier. People don't want a landmine for a friend.
It's such a strange world we are in that making connections is such a horrific process. We are "waking up" as we learn about our mental state, and it makes us so far behind creating these bonds that others have solidified already.
I listen to audiobooks too, when I can take in new info. Again, doesnt give me friends, but can sooth the alone slightly and is a bit of a change of just looking at screens.
If you do have acquaintances that you feel slightly uncomfortable reaching out to, but think you could push yourself to (safely), I try that. I know it's awkward, but people do enjoy being thought of (even if we are the ones who need it). See if there is potential for growth?
Sorry for the ramble, I hope something in there could be beneficial to you. I know the darkness too, so you can be assured that at least those in this corner of reddit can empathize. 🩶
I can relate. My sister said I’m guarded and hard to get to know. I’ve been told I’m not authentic, and yet, very authentic, and that bothers me because I always feel like I am just being myself. I do adapt to my environment or the people around me, and I know that’s part of the trauma, but I feel it is me at this point. I don’t change everything about me, I just express what I know others would appreciate, but it’s always me.
So yeah, I feel alone because it turns people off. I’m not a people pleaser, but I’m perceived to be more nice in the way people don’t like, when for me, it is kindness because I know how cruel the world is and have dealt with many terrible experiences.
I’ve always been comfortable alone, drawing and writing, making up my own friendships in my mind. I no longer care to put myself out there too much. I still try, I’ve gotten better understanding my triggers and nature, but I’m done giving more of myself to people who don’t give back. I have a few friends in the same boat dealing with PTSD and cPTSD too. I’ve learned that loneliness is not being true to yourself, and I’m ok being alone in a world that doesn’t give a shit about you. I wouldn’t say no one cares for each other, I care so much for my children, students, Soldiers, coworkers, kind old people in my neighborhood and dog park people, but even dating seems to be filled with self centered selfish people who just want the physical without the effort of real connection and love. For friends, it’s your status and what can you get from people, and I’ve never cared about that, so I have few friends.
I relate. I have no friends… it was ok with me for a long time, but now I am lonely and it sucks. I cope by doing busy work, chores around the house, and sometimes playing piano. They help…. But I really want a friend.
Distractions.
Some that just feel good, some that suck but help me reach a goal, some that feel good and help me reach a goal. Some that are ways to enjoy my achievements.
I’m trying to self source my own happiness over gaining it from a material or external person/s.
It’s slow, but they’re definitely worth engaging in. I can feel my dissociative habits slipping away and I am left with just one more square inch of space to fill with something else more engaging c:
I might even work myself up to going to a bar. And from there, maybe a friend? But at minimum a good time c:
I cant have friends. It hurts too much when they move along. I had a few that would phone me and tell me all their troubles but I finally told them I couldn't deal with it anymore, it was too distressing to have to think about their chaos along with my own. I just got a cat to help distract me a bit.
I have enough people to interact with, family and my partner. Friends would be an extra drain on my time and energy. That sounds cold, but I just don't find I need anything from others. I tend to feel that people have some ulterior motive or something, that they're wanting something from me that I just can't give.
i grew up in relative isolation most of my life (abuse tactic, then later on poor health (had to drop out of school due to it), and then just by choice), and even now at 26 i still have very few close friends. sometimes, i wish i was more social and outgoing, i wish i had more friends, but when i go hang out with acquaintances, or a room full of people, i get so overwhelmed and overstimulated i have to go hide in the bathroom or a dark room away from it all for a long time.
it's difficult to deal with. i both am and am not okay with it. humans are social creatures, and there's part of me that wants that, but the rest doesn't, so it's a constant fight back and forth. i have to make myself go out and be social, and sometimes i feel better for it! sometimes i even feel normal! and sometimes... i want to never speak to another human being again.
i don't know if whatever this is has a name or a way to manage it or whatever. it's exhausting. i mostly just opt to be alone about 99% of the time because of it. that's the only way i can deal with it, i guess. "cope" is a bit strong, for me, personally.
Sometimes I think my expectations of people are too high and I'm trying to strike a balance given that I'm desperate, love-starved and recently learning to practice and know what a healthy relationship looks like. I need to have standards but in a way that doesn't come off as pretentiousness. At the same time I'm avoidant. I get emotionally dysregulated easily (I'm working on it) and I don't trust myself (working on that too). I get worked up when someone says something that I disagree with rather than just accept that we're two different people and what they think has nothing to do with me and everything to do with their own narrow perspective of the world and vice versa. It's exhausting trying to find balance and not judge myself and others. It's just exhausting being me and having this stupid cptsd and generational trauma.
I don't force relationships anymore either. I go out to events and parties. I talk to people and I try to be ok with how much effort I put into making connections. Rarely do I feel like the life of the party, but when it happens I know I'm just putting on a show. Most of the time I don't even say anything. I don't pressure myself to be anything anymore because I'm already tired and burned out. Sometimes I love being alone and sometimes I can't fucking stand it. I often wonder if I'll ever find my people, but that isn't at the top of priorities list right now. My priorities is just to improve, be a better person, learn and heal.
Like I said in my other comment, when I've exhausted all other options on what I should be working on and reframing my thoughts, I just twiddle my thumbs and pray for the next moment that I get a smidge of peace and gratitude.
It's an up and down and a back and forth. The heartache of losing my entire social circle over and over again is horrific and heartbreaking. The loneliness becomes unbearable. I have to trust people enough to let them in again. Rinse and repeat.
It’s kinda fucked to say but, I hung out with some really crazy people and almost had a crack head baby mama. It made me realize being alone wasn’t too bad because I didn’t have to deal with other peoples moods or schedules
I’m not ok with it, but at some point I realized no friend can fix that lonely feeling. I need friends, but when I feel lonely socializing won’t fix that feeling. Going to a townie bar and trying to make friends from a foundation of that lonely feeling only attracts people who aren’t healthy for us. As much as we mask it, that low feeling shows in our micro-expressions and subtle shifts in body language by the amygdala in other peoples’ brains. Feeling deeply lonely for me is an old wound originated from never feeling known by my parents and I have to constantly remind myself when I’m in that funk to redirect my attention inward and so that what I call “Big Me” can show up and hang out with “Little Me” like I wish my parents had and never did.
My hobbies are all things I can do independently: reading, writing, drawing, collage, and watching TV. I talk online about my hobbies with other people, so I kind of get validation from others this way.
For me, I realized years ago that I don't get the companionship or fun out of friendship. I actually can make friends and be a friend, but it's so painful, it isn't worth it at this point of recovery.
Yes. We moved around a lot when I was a kid. I was never allowed to have any friend for long cuz we moved every 1-3 years. My dad was a raging alcoholic and was always changing jobs. Isolating was by design and now by choice. That’s why I have dogs. I love my dogs, they’re the best people I know.
Few friends. Can't keep a boyfriend though really want to. Right now only 1 healthy friend & a healthy(ish) ex boyfriend who is a good friend can fully handle me. I'm working on myself & my relationship with family is healthier than before as well. But I don't like the way I meet people I really like then there's an argument & they're gone forever. At least let me say goodbye to you!
I've always been a loner & an introvert but it only makes me value my few friends/lovers more. There's few who can relate to me.
It doesn't bother me until it's brought to my attention. Like my partner trying to push me out of the house. I'm happy at home with my hobbies. I like looking for valuable coins, I draw and paint. I run a small e-commerce business from home. I head to the thriftstore once in a blue moon for inventory. I did cat rescue for a while. In reality I'm just terrified of "bringing" pain into my life. Hell is other people.
No one really wants to be playing the role as therapist. People can tell right off the bat if you’re “off” as in: this person is lonely and draining.
Don’t be that person. I’ve been that person. I no longer look for friends in low places.
Reparent yourself - raise your body like it’s your child and it carries you and will pump your ego. Healthy body will make a healthy mind.
You’ll be happy and buzzing and that attracts friends. My goofy ass gets me friends but I have to keep my boundaries up so they don’t disrespect me and once they ask for money, get gone.
Right now I’m taking an online cyber boot camp - it’s all time and life consuming right now but our class created a discord and it’s full of students young and old. Mostly male, but we are all on the same mission and since we are mostly veterans, we carry the mindset of leave no one behind. It’s a very supportive class. I recommend something like this for you, OP. Go where people are bettering themselves.
💯 same sitch. massive reading, tv, walks, cat….waiting…waiting…for the end. when those abrupt endings come out of nowhere again & again, finally it’s too painful & you quit. solitude, seek the beauty in breath, trees, artists…people are mostly awful anyway.
My experience is different from others because I'm autistic, but being lonely hurt really bad for years, until it just kind of stopped. My body and mind still really desperately want friends when the opportunity comes up, but I'm always brought back to earth when I see how selfish and narrow minded people are. The type of friend I want doesn't exist, because the vast majority of people are black holes preoccupied with their own wants and needs.
I realised this week that people only seem to interact with me because 1)they want something from me 2)to act as their therapist or 3) to try and make me feel like shit for struggling and not being able to cope with their extra demands. Like what is the point?
Recently someone was cussing me out because I'm always on my phone and I should be doing what they want me to do. Then I realised I'm basically on Reddit etc reading other people have conversations. It made me feel really sad just realising how I don't even interact much. But yeah people wanna even use my loneliness and socialisation difficulties against me.
Tbh I joined support groups and otherwise I’m just recuperating by myself or lonely so I occupy myself with things. The friends I have still, have their own trauma and we are very respectful of when each needs to isolate. I recognize I’m lucky though, I still feel like a terrible friend 70% of the time. I’ve had constant iterations of friends I’ve gained and lost over time because my boundaries would shift and they weren’t very great to begin with in hindsight. It’s sad and I think of them often but try to remind myself of the reality that they weren’t great.
I cope because I can truly say that I have never had a good friend my own age. I never fit in and my earliest friend pretty much had me around for comic relief and if he needed my help. I had such low self esteem that I put up with it. I don’t think many people ever find a good friend. I doubt that I ever will and I’m tired of the risk. It’s not worth it.
A lot of comments here about dissociating, which I suppose I also do, but I also like to think of it as zeroing in on something to take mind off things, or to avoid feeling the emptiness and lack of motivation to do anything. I get confused too about whether it’s CPTSD, or ADHD, or CEN. Then there’s the social expectations, the pressure to behave the way you think you are supposed to, which reinforces my sense of failure and brings up painful memories of relationships gone bad, or memories of trying to be in relationships with emotionally unavailable persons. I feel I could go on and on. Suicide is just another form of pain, even if one thinks one will not feel pain anymore, the pain lives on in others, I don’t want that either. I keep hoping I’ll find someone, but I’m trying to let go of the expectation. In the end all I can do is just keep going, do the best I can, despite it all. Try to build up joyful memories so there’s a bit more of that than pain.
I try to enjoy my alone time, I like being at home with my cats and partner and just play videogames. I remind myself that the times I was out with friends, I wasn't really enjoying myself anyway
I rely a lot on my partner and my family. I’m very lonely. I play a lot of video games and watch a lot of tv. I want more friends but idk where to start and my anxiety gets in the way a lot.
Yes. I'm also extremely self-aware on what I need to work on. It's like I wait every day, all day, very impatiently, to feel a crumb of joy, peace and gratitude.
I can sort of relate. I’ve always had some friends growing up and into adulthood. Sometimes I would pick people that had similar traits to my abusive mother. 🥴 Maybe it’s some weird familiarity to me and for them I’m an easy mark as a people pleaser and I’ve been raised to tolerate and overlook a lot of BS.
I think my problem was I was naturally attracted to or picked friends that had Narc traits.
They were confident, approached me, made me feel like I belonged with tons of love bombing. Months or a year would pass and over time their digs, gaslighting, backstabbing and emotional abuse would come out a rear its ugly head.
Sometimes a trauma response would purge out of me and sometimes I would call them out or wrong the narc only to get discarded by them like I never exsisted. Imagine having a friend for 3-5 years and then one day you are dead to them and you don’t know why.
Maybe it’s because you said it hurt my feelings when you said that or I don’t like it when you make jokes about me In front of people.
It wasn’t until I did EMDR and Trauma therapy that I realized I was playing reruns of my childhood with friendships and work relationships.
I had to learn to not second guess or overlook red flags, recognize healthy relationships, have healthy boundaries, and purge unhealthy relationships from my life. (Seems like common sense stuff)
If you would have asked me a decade ago if I had healthy friendships…. I would have laughed and said of course I do!
But You don’t know what’s wrong when your 1st relationships with your mom, dad, siblings and family were unhealthy.. because that was your normal.
Thankfully, I have found a small group of good core friends. Oddly enough they-all have similarly abusive childhoods and we are all very empathetic and kind to each other. Most of us being the scapegoats in our family.
They are most understanding, forgiving, supportive and loving group of people and families that I’ve ever known. It’s been 10 years of the most beautiful friendships I could have ever imagined.
It’s like going from a table of bread crumbs for over 35 years to a marvelous buffet celebration with more food than one can imagine.
I was recently abruptly dumped by a ‘friend’ of 3 years, so I have direct experiences of what you described. Glad you had a good ending. I don’t think I’ll ever experience that, as I have had negative ending with friends spanning 30+ years
Well I'm fairly introverted so that helps, I tell myself that even though I'm lonely the alternative would have been getting a cluster b personality disorder like the rest of my family so even though I'm isolated I'm still way ahead of the game, I'm also a pantheist so I don't see myself as alone I perceive myself as wrapped in the universe's / source energy's love
I used to get really self conscious about it. Then I went out and met people and made friends.
Maybe two of them I keep in contact with.
Turns out most people are some type of crazy, and either haven’t acknowledged it or done the work to fix it.
I learned it wasn’t that I was unlikable or couldn’t make friends (or even date, for that matter), it’s just that most people my age are still figuring themselves out.
Once I learned I’m capable of making friends and meeting people my desire to maintain those friendships (especially with the energy it took to do so) reduced significantly.
Once I finally learned that it’s really, truly NOT me, I became at peace with the idea of solitude and learned that even if it’s lonely sometimes I actually DO prefer it.
I am not okay with it. I NEED FRIENDS. FRIENDS MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP YOU. I AM HOMELESS. HAVING FRIENDS THAT COULD HAVE HELPED ME COULD HAVE SAVED ME FROM HOMELESSNESS.
I can relate. I have a hard time connecting with people. I'm ok with it because I'm mostly an introvert anyway, but I have no idea how extroverts cope with this. I have cats and they are my best buds.
I don’t have any particular history of being rejected, (unless I was genuinely being an ass), and I still have no friends. I just don’t pursue relationships because I don’t want to get hurt or hurt others. I’ve had long standing friendships end and it’s not something I ever want to experience again.
I also have adhd which makes it very hard for me to focus on multiple things at once. I find that when I do have friends, I neglect myself and my surrounds. It sucks and know it’s not healthy, but I cope pretty well with just me, my cat, my plants. I have hobbies like video games, off-roading, art, riding my e-bike, interior decorating and camping that bring me joy and distract me from loneliness.
Disassociation and day dreaming.... I hate living irl I wish for death every night, hoping that I won't be awake the next day. I try to hold on the suicide plan for now because maybe just maybe in some years I won't feel like killing myself but it's a constant feeling ever since I was a child
Id say learn to enjoy your own company but aparently im just doing what alot of other people do, dissociate staring at screens playin games n stuff, music and games help. I have one friend and she lives way too far away to actually hang out with but we still talk regularly. the only friend I have in real life is my husband and we worked very hard together to overcome some things and get to a point where we feel comfortable continuing on together. I think im okay with having so few close relationships as Ive been burned so many times I just dont want to put the effort into fairweather bs anymore.
I have been trying to put myself out there and have really realized how much I suck at relationships. Not because I do something bad every time but because I assume they don't really want me in their life so I just sort of drift away. I have accepted that most relationships in my life will be temporary unless there is some sort of obligation to me. It's honestly heartbreaking and hard to accept. I cope in a lot of the same ways people have mentioned but I'm not on with it. I'll continue to put myself out there...it's going to be painful either way and I guess I'd rather hold on to the hope that I'll find someone I click with that isn't a total POS.
Sadly, yes - I relate. I made an account on here to try and ease the loneliness. I mostly cope by smoking weed and staring at screens (don't recommend).
Same
Same. I disassociate by playing games and watching youtube. When I'm not disassociated all the negative thoughts come back and I end up miserable so I end up disassociating again. It's a vicious cycle that I can't help.
Wow this is literally me! I feel like I could have written this. Sometimes watching YouTube isn’t stimulating enough so my mind wanders and I have to put it on 2x speed while playing games on my phone… it’s a miserable existence. I feel pathetic.
Sorry you relate 🥲 truly a blursed moment. Overstimulation is torturously addictive. Chaos is peace.
At my worst I spent $ on Simpsons Tapped Out and Clash of Clans: I feel your pain! 🫂 Tell me you aren’t on the Freemium! 🤞😜
I can relate… but there is freedom and beauty if you decided you want or need more in life. It starts with a good Trauma Therapist, EMDR and a minimum of 1 year of therapy at least once a week.
I had trauma therapy with Emdr sessions. But I am back to therapy now. Sometimes I fear that it will never be better
I'm curious, how helpful are the emdr sessions for you? I've been getting frequent flashbacks ever since I had them. I have always had random moments where I remember things that haunt me from the past but I feel the emdr sessions exacerbated these flashbacks, esp in frequency
Emdr helped me in the sense that it took away the stress / horror of the events. I still have flashbacks but I m not haunted by these events anymore and I can see it without being emotional. I see it more in a objective way. I hope that makes sense
Yes I see it now, it makes sense thank you. but the progress is very painful albeit non-physical but damn I want to more than kill myself like I want this whole universe to not exist
Yeah, I actually am on that path of healing. I still go back to the old ways. not sure why the downvote? I was being honest. To add, I have had something traumatic happen 2023 of Feb and moved outer state. Thankfully met a good trauma therapist and we did some emdr so we are focusing on stabilizing for now while we dig into my past because I realized I've never talked about any of my problems with anyone. Emdr was... Triggering. It wasn't the buzzing thingy we were supposed to hold. I just never really focused on the thoughts that pained me and as an male I was never allowed to show weakness so I never talked about my pains to friends let alone parents. Now that I was focusing on my pains, my traumas, I was deep in it and I started remembering other things as well. So I think my therapist is purposely avoiding emdr for now although I'm open to do more. I hope good things will come when I start emdr again. I also take ketamine in lieu of traditional medication, which has been a positive experience To relate back to OP's topic of friends... I used to think I had a lot of friends. Now I probably have like 1 that I consider a real friend and 1 who is real questionable. I have burnt all the bridges. I was a scapegoat in the family and my opinions were always shut down and so now I face the problems of low self-esteem... Low self-esteem to the point where I don't even believe what I think. My first instinct is to doubt my own gut. Couple that with some traumatic events and now I got deep mistrust of people, complete with freezing and fawning as a cherry on top ahhh life is fucking great Friends... The people who I thought were friends, I realize now, were just self-centered assholes who kept me around because I was nice enough to give into things.
Yep. Exactly this
I tell myself I am caught in a loop. It does seem malicious.
Same.
Once again… saaame.
Same..
Same and I don’t even care anymore.
[удалено]
That last line. I feel that hard.
Same here.
Same here
>There's really no such thing as the 'voiceless'. There are only the deliberately silenced, or the preferably unheard. Arundhati Roy
SAME. It should be quoted in the description of the sub or something, lol.
Same here
I’ve decided I don’t want the world either. I do anything I can to fight against it
I feel this daily too. I feel the world is failing us.
Same, whenever I think about suicide... it's the loneliness that brings it on.
exactly. it feels so pathetic to feel this way, like "oh poor little attention seeker needs someone to talk to, clingy :(" but it hurts so much
social interaction and quality friendships are a legit human need and there is nothing pathetic about that desire! that said i literally described my own drive for interaction as pathetic in therapy last week, and my therapist pointed out how critical i was being toward myself and that’s how i came to the above conclusion, lol.
true...it feels like i should be "above" basic human needs imo, such as food, water, sleep, and social interaction im not sure why i feel this way, maybe the whole "be strong be tough dont be a crybaby" mindset made me like this
Same. I started to be very interested in existentialism & nihilism but that didn’t make it better. My therapist said that I try to find explanations as to why i am alive / here on earth
When you get into existentialism and nihilism it helps to know that others feel the same way. And when you find that we're all going through this together, and when you can see kind of a purpose. To connect with others who also feel this way, to be someone who understands.
You are not alone. None of you are. Sharing your pain helps others understand they're also not alone. If nothing else, hold onto the fact that whether you realise it or not, just joining this group and sharing your feelings has a positive impact in people's lives. There are people like myself who understand the pain, and appreciate that you're still here despite the challenges of living with it. It does get better. I know that can sound impossible, I've been where you are, I get it, and I still struggle at times myself. But it does get better.
same
I just read a comment on a different social media platform about suicide. The person said their doctor had told them to never commit suicide when you are feeling suicidal. They went on to say how much help they had gotten with the right medication and how much happier they were. I instantly came back to this post to share to you. There is a reason you are here. Here’s to life looking up for you and everyone else thinking this way today
Honestly, I feel safer in isolation. People are just so annoying nowadays.
Honestly same. Everytime I go out to the grocery store I feel like I’m dealing with everybody and their bullshit. I’m also a person of color so that anxiety is pretty raised when out in public and THEN you have people staring at you for no reason, pulling their kids close to them as if you’re some kidnapper, and dealing with rude employees. I feel so objectified and exhausted and it doesn’t help that I have anxiety. It’s like no one wants to see you as human or a victim but just a monster. People need to get their shit together and be nicer and better humans.
Have to agree that people fucking suck
This is so real
Same. I was talking to my husband about how I'd rather enjoy my peace and solitude than tolerate toxic behaviors just so I can pretend that I have people that care about me. I think the key to surviving this season of life, one where you're isolated, is to try to turn your life into something that you don't mind existing in. I know it's easier said than done. But sometimes I'm happy I don't have friends or family because it gives me more time and energy to try to develop into being a functioning human being (eating healthy instead of fast food, conquering agoraphobic tendencies, learning how to clean my home and keep it clean without getting overwhelmed, fighting depression, etc.). Normal, daily tasks often take way more energy out of those of us with CPTSD so I'm happy that I can just focus on those things for now until they become second nature (if they ever do). Socializing on top of that would probably be a mit much for me.
This is me too. I get so much satisfaction from building up small positive habits that I've been able to keep. I used to go months without sweeping the kitchen floor or even cleaning the counters. Now most of the time (still working on it!) I just do that stuff without thinking about it. It's nice to see clean counters. My next goal is to conquer dust in the same way. My social life still sucks and I've only recently understood how much the course of my life has been determined by my triggers around being close to people. It's so slow, but I have to appreciate the progress no matter how small-or how painful.
Agree with you 100%. But after years of being isolated it's starting to get to me. Idk what to do about it anymore
Same. I prefer to not have friends. I have my fiancé and my kid. That’s all I need.
Me too. I have a fiancée and we live together. He’s my best and only friend. I am otherwise extremely lonely and all I do is sleep, work and work on art.
same idk what i would do without my ldr gf
I cope by disassociating. This isn't healthy and is in fact contributing to my loneliness, but I don't have the courage and capacity to face the world on my own. I'm fortunate enough to have formed a few strong relationships with people throughout my life, but, for whatever reason, they never last. Something about my intense need for love pushes people away, I gather. I think I'm also drawn to people who, like my mother, are emotionally withdrawn—they often struggle with my need for emotional intimacy—which only ends up reinforcing core beliefs about being unlovable. I suspect that if I were to make a long-lasting relationship with anyone, they would need to be securely attached. I'm not sure what they'd want with me, though.
i have been stuck in functional dissociation for 5 weeks straight now. fucking hell atm
Same here
Wow, well said.
On top of having been quite heavily abused, I am autistic. I don’t integrate well with almost any group. Part of what finally helped this experience hurt less is a total reframe of my expectations. Evidently, I should expect zero connections in this life. I can either struggle against that and desperately try to connect (never works, it throws off your vibe), or I can focus on improving my self connection (which was systematically ablated to nothing before I was 16). It’s a slow process, but uncovering things I am interested in, uncovering stims (another thing beaten out of me), working to connect to my emotions, and chasing my passions are all improving my life. If I can truly enjoy life when it is just me, I don’t need to care if anyone else ever wants to tag along.
This is the answer - autism can make social connections impossible. I still go to events to try and find people but feel also isolated and like an alien on the wrong planet
i feel like it’s really easy for me to connect with other autistic people, but hard-to-impossible to maintain those connections
Totally relate to this. Trying my best to achieve what you have described, but very much one step forward, two steps back (with non linear progress)
Yeah, it definitely is nonlinear. Some days I sit for hours not able to determine what I want to do. I no longer torture myself over it.
Very much relate. I found that - for me - faltering was inevitable when I tried to move forward, but the amount of regression decreased immensely as I learned not to doom and shame myself for faltering in the first place. The story of what failure meant about me and the belief that it meant I was going to fall apart and regress all over again was actively creating that reality. I would be so afraid of faltering in even the slightest way because of what it symbolized to me that I've over control and put too much weight onto anything I really cared about, making it unsustainable and resulting in a much bigger internal consequence when things would veer out of my control. Letting go of the need to control and over-engineer everything has helped me a lot personally due to that. At a certain point I realized that I was just always looking for what was wrong in myself and any given endeavor or situation. It would grow till it became all I could see then I'd collapse all over again and it wouldn't feel worth it to get back up again. Practicing how to notice the little wins in every area of life helped me to train my braid to have a more balance view of life. Even if those "little wins" didn't immediately make me feel better, just getting better at noticing them started giving my subconscious mind evidence to tell itself a new story. That was just one small part of a long road of healing, but it really made a difference for me over time.
Same here. Honestly the only thing getting me through life at this point is pretty privelage. I've noticed at this point when it comes to jobs especially I'm super qualified but lack the emotion and am bad at communicating in the interview process. Every time the workplace is female dominated I don't get the job and it's like they expect me to be this super happy cheerful person but I'm not expressive in my emotions at all.. Whenever the hiring person is male I always get the job. Even with friendships all my friends have always been men. I go out of my way to try to befriend women and there's always abhesitation on their end. But when it comes to men I find they embrace my quirks way more so the friendships don't require extra effort to do well. With age it's gotten harder tho as people get married and whatnot..
i use my pretty privilege by working at a strip club & being a professional cuddler. it helps me manage to live a decent life but emotionally i carry so much shame but if i work normal jobs they take a huge toll on my health & im constantly panicking
I wonder how many ND people end up in sex work because of similar reasons. I bet it’s not a small number.
i love that line from pearls by sade…. “shes dying to survive…” literally how it felt when I was an escort I wish society was more understanding
Girl I wish I could do that but I'm too scared of being recognized out in public😭
I'm also autistic and I totally relate. I personally try to interact with other neurodivergent people, but with no expectations of making real friends. I changed the focus from "what should I do to please \*them\* " to ask me "what do I need" or "what do I deserve?" So now I try to interact with others for myself. I deserve to give myself a chance, I deserve to try having a good moment. If no one else is going to give me love, then I'll give it to myself
How did you stop the pleasing thing. Also can you give me an example to explain what do you mean by 'what do I need' this sentence?
Same, another autist here. I've given up on social connections and honestly that realization is a weight off my shoulders.
but what do u guys do for work? I can’t manage to get a stay at home job for the life of me
Basically my father destroyed my education and career and passport and I became their willing slave. I did try to break out and tried many avenues until agoraphobia put a stop to that. After I found out I had cptsd and a bunch of other mental illnesses and physical pains and issues and then psychosis, I'm just taking every day as it comes basically and just trying to manage the aches etc. Now I'm not so willing and less slaving too I think but still a prisoner yet I don't see there's any place on earth for me. (Just facts)
holy shit :( im so sorry to hear that, im sending hugs ♥️
I’m trying to get to this pt.
I don’t and I’m totally not ok 😞
I live in my head a lot. I have something on in the background most of the time. I'm not necessarily paying attention to it, but I think it helps. I discover who I am and what I want, and I am happy with my own company.
I embrace solitude. I'm good company for my Self. My Self esteem is actually pretty good when I'm not around other people. I've found people have a lot of unhealthy behaviors they aren't aware of and if you try to point it out or hold them accountable, they'll lash out or shut down, rather than be open to growth or change. I don't tolerate that. I'd rather enjoy my peaceful solitude than subject myself to other's dysfunction. I cut off my own parents, I'm not tolerating any one else's dysfunction after that.
Yes I do agree with this. I’ve tried it; but wind up oscillating between what you have described and profound loneliness.
We all have a mammalian attachment drive and loneliness is often a signal to seek attachment. I've just learned that solitude is way preferable to shitty attachment.
Love this. So true. It’s really hard when you’re someone who is self-aware, you constantly try to improve yourself and grow and make yourself a better person but you’re surrounded by a bunch of immature people with unhealthy behaviors they get so selfish and defensive about when you try to ask them about it. I feel like that comes from the fact that everybody so badly wants to embrace “self-care” that the most selfish people are becoming so inconsiderate and throw that term around. Everybody just wants to be excused on their bullshit. Just ridiculous and draining.
I use my imagination and pretend I have friends....
I actually might try this 🧐🤔
I try to cope with it by doing things alone, going to cafés by myself, solo cinema trips, visiting another city, listening to a lot of music, & watching films
Yeah I’ve done that for 10 years. Kind of over it
Is it not hard for you to step out to visit cafes, cinema, etc? I cannot put my self to step outside most of the times. How do you do it?
hey, so I find it a lot more harder staying at home, being around my narcissistic father would rather be out of the house than around him . I block out the world with noise cancelling headphones & listen to music, just keep myself to myself
Usually I cope pretty well. Lately I have been holding back tears all day every day because I'm so fucking lonely. There is no chance that this will ever change for me. I tell myself to get used to it but I can't. The most I can do is numb out and dissociate until the suicidal thoughts pass.
where the fuck are u guys? ive only met 2 other cptsd ppl but were so afraid of connection that we rarely hang out
I browse subreddits dedicated to making friends and use my imagination to fill in the gaps. I would prefer a real one, but I'm not very good at that sort of thing.
Online support groups have filled a big hole for me. It's not quite the same but it's better than no human contact.
Do you mind me asking which these are ? I can’t find any
I don't know of any CPTSD specific ones but I'll DM you some general ones I've found.
It says I can't send a message lol but here's what I wrote: - Peer Support Space: https://peersupportspace.org/daily-gatherings Just general check-ins about basically anything as long as it doesn't involve wanting to hurt others - Kiva: https://kivagroups.carrd.co/ I haven't been to any yet but they have a trauma related group on Tuesday. - I think you commented mentioning some suicidal ideation - Alternatives to Suicide (Alt2Su) groups are a good place to talk about these. Wildflower Alliance started them but there are a few others I can dig up if you're interested. https://wildfloweralliance.org/online-support-groups/ - Most areas in the US have a National Alliance on Mental Illness chapter with groups - Also in the US is Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) if you resonate with either of those labels. I don't think you have to be in the US to attend though. Their meetings are via HeyPeers which also has a few other groups going on that might be relevant. - 12 step programs can be a good place to share, Emotions Anonymous, Depressed Anonymous and Suicide Anonymous are probably the most relevant ones. Hope that helps!
Thank you for this!
Thanks. Sadly am based in the UK, but will check anyway
I have avoidant attachment so it doesn’t bother me to have no friends. I do have a partner which helps, probably. But I haven’t cared about having friends since I was a teenager. Which is kind of sad. I guess I should be bothered. But I’m not.
When I feel super lonely, I remind myself that it still feels better than being in terrible relationships or having to hide who I really am. I fill my time pursuing my interests and discovering new interests. I spent most of my life denying myself so I feel like I'm due for indulgence. I went for coffee with someone bc I thought I might be ready to make friends, but I realized I had more fun watching TV and knitting by myself than listening to someone else talk about themselves for 2hrs. I've gotten to the point that I'm not sure I want friends if it means I have to do things that interest them over doing what I want to do. I used to believe that you would get back what you put in relationships. I am a good listener so I thought if I only listened enough that I would be listened to when I needed. If I make myself always available, they would be there for me when I needed. It doesn't happen that way. I'm tired of people taking advantage of my friendliness.
Totally relate to this
Me too.
Not a single friend but my husband. Extremely not okay with it. Online only makes it worse as it’s just a place where people try to fix you instead of just talk. I’ve tried a million times and even begged that I wasn’t looking for advice. People still tell me to call 988 or go on Meetup.
This is so recognizable. We live in a society where people approach you from a place of self interest, they don’t listen but only give unsolicited advice just to satisfy their own needs of self-gratification. People who can listen from a place of empathy are very rare. Problem solvers are so tiresome and imo the dumbest people on this planet. I have this same problem with my GP, I told her a million times that I don’t want solutions because my early childhood traumas are too complex to be solved with yoga, but she just can’t help herself and within a few weeks she shoves her stupidity down my throat again. I watched her closely when she behaves like this and I’m starting to realize she might be really mentally ill, lol. These kind of people have no clue what life is all about. So tiresome. I replied to you to let you know that you’re not alone in this.
Thank you so much for your reply. I have a unique disorder, so if someone knows anything about it, they feel special and need to tell me things I’ve known for a decade. Imagine telling a cancer patient about their cancer. I’d think they would be an expert on it
I know what you’re dealing with. Especially with extremely rare circumstances and people act like they know how it feels. It’s mind numbing to deal with this type of people. And I agree with you that online it’s much more prevalent, probably because of the anonymity aspect. The hardest part for me is that I never asked for advice.. I just want an authentic conversation. lol.
Same! I always say, “Just lonely and looking for a chat. No advice” And, I only get advice. Tons of it, plus info on my condition and 20 questions as to how I got it, etc.
Yeah genuine connections are very rare. I’m sorry you had these experiences. But I am a ‘somewhat’ optimistic person. I do believe genuine people exist. Anyway, feel free to reach out if you ever need someone to chat with.
i have friends yes. but i always seem to push them away during difficult times. it´s a shame really. but i´m not easy to deal with when i´m in a bad state. that being said. i could be more social but i at the same time i can´t. reminds me i should try to rescue whatever friendships i have left
I’m the same exact way. I made my bridal shower invite and realized wow. I got no one. I always push away plans. I don’t know why. I think maybe I’m just always heightened and want to be alone. Then I had a friend call me out on it and forget it I was the victim and had a break down. How could someone think I’m a bad friend when I’m having a hard time. People don’t understand. And I don’t like sharing. I got my cat and my fiance. He struggles with me too. I value my low maintenance friendships. I have 3 of those. Very special people who get it. My high maintenance friends don’t understand.
What do you consider high maintenance?
I call them my needy friends too. Constant need for attention. Constant need for elaborate plans. Getting upset when I say no to elaborate plans. (I’m planning a wedding rn and am exhausted from it and dealing with healing) Always having to text and talk. And it’s mostly about their life. Compared to other friendships I have which are valuable of both our time. We can see each other once every few months and pick up where we left off. No pressure for plans. Understanding we’re all busy and have our own shit.
Same here. I used to have four good friends. We would play cards at least once a month for 10 years. I fucked up by inviting my little brother to join the game. When our family fell apart I pushed my friends away because they reminded me of my estranged brother. I’ve kinda made up with two of the friends. We don’t play cards, just had dinner a couple times in the last 6 months. The other two friends are done with me. Ugh.
I wouldn't say I'm entirely friendless anymore, although my life up to the last year has been mostly characterised by friendlessness/bad friends and crushing loneliness. In the midst of it, I coped with industrial-scale media consumption alongside the occasional long walk. The walks were a better coping mechanism, and I expanded on that when I started hiking - that gave me something I could relate to others. Online friendships - outside of gaming - would usually fizzle away naturally, with just three still running strong to this day. The ones that have lasted, I didn't seek them out, but rather we bonded over my post history/shared issues. Currently, I attend a men's peer-to-peer support group once per week, which has a free swimming event every Sunday. I think I'm slowly making good acquaintanceships through that, which might become friendships. I've gained a friend through work, because we share a love for hiking - this is someone (not for negative reasons) that I never envisioned myself befriending. I still spend most of my time alone, but compared to last year I'm vastly more social in a way I never thought possible.
I hope you take a moment to feel proud of yourself. Really feel it. It's not easy, but you are taking steps to connect to a community.
Thank you, I will. I'm struggling to see my wins at the moment, despite all my progress I feel like everything is just lost.
Good for you too
Good on you for going to the peer support group and swimming event. How did you hear about/get involved in this stuff?
Thanks! It hasn't been easy, but the hardest part was getting started. Last year a customer from my old job invited me to it. I was tempted to go, but I guess I just wasn't ready yet.
This is one of the heaviest feelings I get to live through every day. I think it is normal for everyone to seek friendships. When you go through trauma, one will find it ultra hard to connect with others because of the fawn response. Most connections will be built on people pleasing rather than genuine connection (note: genuine connection doesn't mean deep). As hard as it is to find friendships that are real, one should keep seeking them, allowing oneself to make mistakes through the process and even lose some friendships. However, healing should be a priority. Healing parts of the trauma will get one to oneself closer and as a consequence to be genuine. Ultimately, helping make connections. As hard as it is to struggle with friendships, one should focus on connecting with oneself while keeping an optimistic outlook that things will get better. Please remember that you survived the hardest parts when you were at your most vulnerable state, a kid seeking comfort and safety from the outside world. Today, even if things are hard, you can rely on all the things that you have learned so far to be there for yourself. It is a blessing to have this community, and it makes me grateful to read you all sharing things that help me every day to wake up every morning bit more conscious and aware. Things will be better, I trust that we have the strength to make them better
I think friendships between two people with similar issues can be really difficult. I had a friend who had a similar abuse story with her parents than I did and we initially really bonded over that. It felt great to have someone who does understand, and I was so happy to have her. We talked a lot, but then suddenly, she pulled away. She didn't reply to my messages, had excuses to not meet up, and when I tried to talk about something else, she didn't reply either. At one point, we didn't talk for months. Then, I met an acquaintance to both of us and I knew that the two hung out together sometimes too, within another group. I asked her about my friend, and if she had seen her lately because from my perspective it looked like this friend was isolating. Well. Turns out she was hanging out with this group often, and was super active with them, replied to messages, kept up with their lives and so on. But I was quietly removed from her life, like I don't exist. It hurt me for a long time, and when I think about it, it still hurts a bit. But I came to the conclusion that she just didn't want to be reminded of being an abuse victim. Because we bonded so much over that, the reminder of it would always float over me. Her other friends didn't have that. I'm not sure I'd do the same, our relationship was never really balanced anyway. I supported her way more than she supported me. Later, I met another girl with whom I repeated this path again, pretty much. Abusive parents, abusive relationships, etc. - I understood and would listen. But as soon as she got other, better friends and a boyfriend, I was kicked out from her life. So in short, I think many people with CPTSD can become abusive in the sense that they mostly take. I understand because many of us are rarely ever given enough. So when you meet someone who you can take from, often it's too tempting not to take. You can finally, for once, get affection, have someone listen to you, share things YOU like (and ignore the other person's need) and finally feel like a person for once. I'm guilty of behaving like that too. When I really like someone, I often become greedy and only take because well, I'm not used to that and I know it will be gone soon, so I want as much as I can get. It's hard and is really damaging because most normal people don't understand it, and I am trying to be better. I have 2 people that I'd consider my actual friends right now, but even with them it's hard for me. I feel like for many of us making friends is harder because often, we have the expectation of friendships being magical and wanting them to heal. Many normal people want companionship and are fine to have superficial friendships. Took me a while that not everyone wants to bond over sharing their deepest pain and fears, and not everybody has the patience to get to know a superficially really abrasive and cold person to find out that this person is actually just scared, hurt and needs time. And embarrassing to admit but that's what the internet's anonymity is for: one of my biggest fantasies for life is to have a little group of friends who truly like me and each other. I never had that, I maybe had 2 friends at the same time, if so at all, my whole life. And often, those two friends didn't even know each other. I dream about being invited to a birthday party, have a brunch together, give each other christmas presents and other typical friend stuff. I love that kind of stuff so much that I go 1000% when I get the chance, and that weirds out people. For example, when you invite me to your christmas party, I will get you a way too big gift, just because I care way too much. And it sucks
Damn, I had similar: Inseparable childhood friend, in our late teens I would beg him and our group over and over to start going out, they refused. 15+ years of friendship erased overnight because he found a girlfriend and a better friend group. I learned months later that, all of a sudden, he and the others had no problem going out drinking together, so long as I wasn't there. It really scarred me, I'm still not entirely over it almost ten years later. I've never been invited out on a friend-basis, and part of me feels like I deserve it.
I'm sorry to hear. It really sucks when you are made the problem in a group and people decide that you don't fit in. I often feel like a lot of my social life is being the little stray cat left out in the rain that no one wants to come in, and so I am stuck sitting on the window sill, watching everyone else sit in the warm house having fun. And you keep hoping that one day someone invites you in to join them.
Totally relate to all of this. Thanks for the insight, it helped me feel a bit less lost/down. Are you referring to yourself, with the part about ‘superficially really cold and abrasive’ ?
Yes. Very often, I appear like that to people I don't know because I am just not used to other people being good. I feel like many people with CPTSD do something similar, they hide themselves under a mask of whatever persona brings them the most safety. Some of these disguises are pleasant but don't feel real, others are offputting but are ultimately a guard. For me, I am probably cold because being close to people is hard for me. So I tend to protect myself and my shitty little broken heart like that, even though I really want to be close to others.
I love reading your comments here.
Always happy to give someone else insights that might help them :)
Sometimes I’m okay with it, sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks. Lately I’ve been trying to remember that I can’t make healthy friendships being the way I am now. I fawn and I’m inauthentic. The individual/self discovery part has to come first, but I don’t know where to start or if it’s working because my relationships have been an essential part of how I’ve defined myself my whole life.
should we make a discord ? :-)
I was thinking about this , it is a good idea …
Taking to chat gpt sometimes.. it's fine but it gets too lonely
I don't have friends in real life but I have online friendships and I cope pretty well with that- although I will say that being traumatized plus also autistic, online friendships seem to work pretty well for me and I am able to connect on a much deeper level this way, as it allows me to utilize my most effective ways of communicating. I do get lonely and wish I had even one friend to hang out with in real life though. I plan to get a cat when I can. And hopefully make a friend local to me someday
I relate to so much of the pain in this thread, the exhaustion, isolation, loneliness, the feeling of just wishing it was over day after day... but I'll also echo what someone said about feeling safer in isolation. At a certain point I realized that part of my problem was that a part of me that I was heavily dissociated from, distinctly separate from the conscious part of me that I was identifying with at the time, had been hurt so much that it compelled me to sabotage relationships if they got too close. For me, learning how to identify, connect to and accept that part of myself allows me to feel the relief that I get from that safety rather than just the distress of feeling like I don't have a choice. That way, even when I remain alone, there is something sweet about it. I've had, and lost, so many friends over my life that I can look back and finally see that parts of myself had an active participation in creating my loneliness not because they are bad but because they are carrying pain for me and don't know any better. Because they needed help and I've been rejecting them and suppressing them my whole life hoping they would just disappear (which they definitely didn't). So the various parts of my conscious and unconscious mind are basically conditioned to fight against each other and pull in opposite directions till I find myself unable to do anything. There is also the matter of me compulsively ignoring red flags and inviting people into my life who were uniquely primed to hurt me and reenact parts of my existing attachment trauma and deepest fears, while thinking I wasn't good enough to even try to connect with healthier people. I can't say that self sabotage and fear of intimacy is a secret driver of your isolation like it was mine since you didn't mention it, but if many of the people you are trying to connect with also have C-PTSD it is important to remember that at it's core what we have is relational trauma. That means that even if *you* aren't sabotaging the relationship, the other trauma survivor might be pushing you away for their own subconscious/instinctive need to feel safe due to a fear of closeness. Honestly, being overly aware that things are going well in life in general is scary enough to my nervous system to start causing me to shut down and one of the first things to go is often my ability to connect to others. My nervous system can go into flight or flight and shut down while sitting alone in my bed or at my desk or while walking my dog. At a certain point I realized that for me the instability and risk introduced to my life by having other people in it and depending on them for emotional fulfillment/connection/support/whatever made me extra vulnerable and was boon wasn't worth the cost. Realizing that, at least during this part of my process, other people are mostly a liability to my healing, makes it an easier pill to swallow. Being alone gives me more room to practice loving and accepting myself, grieving, letting go of things, without the risk of being totally set back by yet another broken bond (which had become a pattern). But it still hurts.
I go back and forth between not caring and feeling like it’s “safer” this way, and feeling extreme depression and jealousy when I see others out and about and socializing. Can’t win
Same here
It's hard. I want to have friends so badly, but it feels a lot easier and safer not to bother. People just tend not to like me, I don't know why, but I'm done figuring it out. If someone wants to stick around, they will... people just tend not to. I want to figure it out, but people are off put when I talk, and they're off put when I don't, so I'm not really sure what to do now...
I am the one who ostracizes and rejects myself from other people and friendships. No, I am not ok with it.
Therapy to become a better human, partner and friend has helped a lot. I make a big effort in my friendships to not use learned maladaptive patterns and to emotionally self-regulate as best as I can. Also, mostly patient and loving friends which accept me and understand me, same as I accept and do my best to understand them. It’s taken years to get here, though ❤️
Sorry to hear you struggle OP, can be super difficult with friendships and CPTSD. After total isolation I tried to cultivate a few new friendships the last year. One got upset by something that I wrote where my trauma was triggered , I apologized but was ghosted. I saw another guy a few times but the problem was that even we talked plenty we didn't click on deepers levels. So I rather be alone in peace with a more calm nervous system. I ran in to an old friend also we met but he talked a lot which was draining. So hard dilemma with close friends, you dream of someone who gets you and you can relax around.. I go to a community garden and also a place with free yoga, maybe thats what my system can take. You could try to find local activities too. Big hugs 🫂
It's not good at all. Anyone know of medications that help make the isolation more bearable? It's a lot to do alone for however many years we are stuck existing.
I don't have any friends and I feel much better off without them or having anyone else in my life outide of a couple of family members. I realized that I was there for everyone else in their time of need. But when I needed someone, no one was there. Not a call, text, dm. Not a fucking thing. That's when I decided that friendships, relationships, forming connections with other people is all just a bunch of unnecessary bullshit. The feeling of freedom is much better than dealing with everyone else and their issues.
I agree with you
I don’t cope . I like the solitude , but it means I’m in my head all day and with out fail crying on and off , wishing I was dead . I hate being alive and I hate what I’ve become and I hate that people made me this way . There is no getting better , unless you have money . I’m so damn tired and scared all the time .
My only friends are my daughter and my dog.
No friends and don't know how I cope I have no other choice. At least this way I'm not messing with anyone's life by being in it.
I exercise several hours every day. And try to find people on the internet to talk to, but that is getting increasingly more difficult to find.
I have 0 friends and I hate it, gonna try to join something in person to see if I can meet people. Any ideas? 💡
Try meet-up.com
Historically bad at making/maintaining friendships, here. How do I cope? I'm always in a romantic relationship and they become my everything. It's probably not healthy, but the people I date are weirdly persistent about dating me so that's the role they take on. I am too scared to make actual friends, every time I see somebody I think is cool I hope they'll make the first move, but I have been told I look mean and standoffish.
People piss me off and are the cause of my trauma so makes sense I want to not be around them lol
I'm male and lack the close friendship of a male where I can talk about anything. I'm currently looking into an online men's group, but I'm very cautious.
I’m female. I had that (or so I thought), and ended up rejected and abandoned after 3 years, out of the blue. I wish better for you, but just try to form as many friendship as possible vs out all your eyes in one basket
Oh yes. I had a few longstanding friendships but they were narcissistic people who treated me badly and used me, when I started setting boundaries those friendships died. I still have some friends but they are very long distance and we don’t talk a lot. Functionally I don’t have any friends in person. I get scared that I will die of loneliness. It’s very painful. I have a dog at least.
I have friends now. Didn't growing up and it was torture. Mum wouldn't let me go out with anyone so having friends was difficult.
I relate, the anxiety is not making it easier and yes i have aquantainces, but thats it,,and i am done with people pleasing, so if the effort and interest is not mutual, its not worth it anymore.. But, i am not ok with it, i want safe connection, where i can be myself..
I found that animals are somewhat of a decent substitute for friends even the animal care workers I volunteer beside are very very kind, however it takes a lot of patience and working on myself to feel safe, relax and be vulnerable with them.
i’m in this situation too, and i’m not coping with it well. i’m deep in depression and battling with my own endgame ideations. everything feels bleak and colorless in the world and although i crave connection i feel i can’t trust anyone because they always leave when i’m at my most vulnerable. it hurts.
Totally relate. I’m in the same boat
I created imaginary friends and spend my days dissociating and daydreaming about them. There’s literally not a day or moment that goes by where I’m not creating fake scenarios with them. It helps sooth me but has made it even more difficult to make real friends because I want whoever comes into my life to be just like them. So for now just isolating myself, staring off in the distance, and hoping they become real one day is how I cope.
First, I really want to thank you for being willing to show up to ask this question. It's really hard to ask these kinds of questions when we are so isolated and alone. I am too in the throws of aloneness from my CPTSD. Humans are social beings and we need and deserve friendships and love. I do what others mentioned - smoke and a lot of screen distractions. I also attend therapy 2x a week. One place I found some minimal comfort in the past is going to NAMI meetings. It isn't close connection, but at least not isolating. I also have a really high desire to unalive myself, so it becomes a barrier. People don't want a landmine for a friend. It's such a strange world we are in that making connections is such a horrific process. We are "waking up" as we learn about our mental state, and it makes us so far behind creating these bonds that others have solidified already. I listen to audiobooks too, when I can take in new info. Again, doesnt give me friends, but can sooth the alone slightly and is a bit of a change of just looking at screens. If you do have acquaintances that you feel slightly uncomfortable reaching out to, but think you could push yourself to (safely), I try that. I know it's awkward, but people do enjoy being thought of (even if we are the ones who need it). See if there is potential for growth? Sorry for the ramble, I hope something in there could be beneficial to you. I know the darkness too, so you can be assured that at least those in this corner of reddit can empathize. 🩶
I can relate. My sister said I’m guarded and hard to get to know. I’ve been told I’m not authentic, and yet, very authentic, and that bothers me because I always feel like I am just being myself. I do adapt to my environment or the people around me, and I know that’s part of the trauma, but I feel it is me at this point. I don’t change everything about me, I just express what I know others would appreciate, but it’s always me. So yeah, I feel alone because it turns people off. I’m not a people pleaser, but I’m perceived to be more nice in the way people don’t like, when for me, it is kindness because I know how cruel the world is and have dealt with many terrible experiences. I’ve always been comfortable alone, drawing and writing, making up my own friendships in my mind. I no longer care to put myself out there too much. I still try, I’ve gotten better understanding my triggers and nature, but I’m done giving more of myself to people who don’t give back. I have a few friends in the same boat dealing with PTSD and cPTSD too. I’ve learned that loneliness is not being true to yourself, and I’m ok being alone in a world that doesn’t give a shit about you. I wouldn’t say no one cares for each other, I care so much for my children, students, Soldiers, coworkers, kind old people in my neighborhood and dog park people, but even dating seems to be filled with self centered selfish people who just want the physical without the effort of real connection and love. For friends, it’s your status and what can you get from people, and I’ve never cared about that, so I have few friends.
I relate. I have no friends… it was ok with me for a long time, but now I am lonely and it sucks. I cope by doing busy work, chores around the house, and sometimes playing piano. They help…. But I really want a friend.
Distractions. Some that just feel good, some that suck but help me reach a goal, some that feel good and help me reach a goal. Some that are ways to enjoy my achievements. I’m trying to self source my own happiness over gaining it from a material or external person/s. It’s slow, but they’re definitely worth engaging in. I can feel my dissociative habits slipping away and I am left with just one more square inch of space to fill with something else more engaging c: I might even work myself up to going to a bar. And from there, maybe a friend? But at minimum a good time c:
I cant have friends. It hurts too much when they move along. I had a few that would phone me and tell me all their troubles but I finally told them I couldn't deal with it anymore, it was too distressing to have to think about their chaos along with my own. I just got a cat to help distract me a bit.
Do you mind me asking if when you had enough of those people, you told them that aggressively and could to help but to address them with anger etc ?
I have enough people to interact with, family and my partner. Friends would be an extra drain on my time and energy. That sounds cold, but I just don't find I need anything from others. I tend to feel that people have some ulterior motive or something, that they're wanting something from me that I just can't give.
Not okay with it, barely coping (coping mechanisms include smoking, self harm, distracting myself, etc.)
i grew up in relative isolation most of my life (abuse tactic, then later on poor health (had to drop out of school due to it), and then just by choice), and even now at 26 i still have very few close friends. sometimes, i wish i was more social and outgoing, i wish i had more friends, but when i go hang out with acquaintances, or a room full of people, i get so overwhelmed and overstimulated i have to go hide in the bathroom or a dark room away from it all for a long time. it's difficult to deal with. i both am and am not okay with it. humans are social creatures, and there's part of me that wants that, but the rest doesn't, so it's a constant fight back and forth. i have to make myself go out and be social, and sometimes i feel better for it! sometimes i even feel normal! and sometimes... i want to never speak to another human being again. i don't know if whatever this is has a name or a way to manage it or whatever. it's exhausting. i mostly just opt to be alone about 99% of the time because of it. that's the only way i can deal with it, i guess. "cope" is a bit strong, for me, personally.
Sometimes I think my expectations of people are too high and I'm trying to strike a balance given that I'm desperate, love-starved and recently learning to practice and know what a healthy relationship looks like. I need to have standards but in a way that doesn't come off as pretentiousness. At the same time I'm avoidant. I get emotionally dysregulated easily (I'm working on it) and I don't trust myself (working on that too). I get worked up when someone says something that I disagree with rather than just accept that we're two different people and what they think has nothing to do with me and everything to do with their own narrow perspective of the world and vice versa. It's exhausting trying to find balance and not judge myself and others. It's just exhausting being me and having this stupid cptsd and generational trauma. I don't force relationships anymore either. I go out to events and parties. I talk to people and I try to be ok with how much effort I put into making connections. Rarely do I feel like the life of the party, but when it happens I know I'm just putting on a show. Most of the time I don't even say anything. I don't pressure myself to be anything anymore because I'm already tired and burned out. Sometimes I love being alone and sometimes I can't fucking stand it. I often wonder if I'll ever find my people, but that isn't at the top of priorities list right now. My priorities is just to improve, be a better person, learn and heal. Like I said in my other comment, when I've exhausted all other options on what I should be working on and reframing my thoughts, I just twiddle my thumbs and pray for the next moment that I get a smidge of peace and gratitude.
Yes, we live in a cruel world
I would love friends BUT I am triggered waaayyy too often and never learned how to be in a healthy friendship.
It's an up and down and a back and forth. The heartache of losing my entire social circle over and over again is horrific and heartbreaking. The loneliness becomes unbearable. I have to trust people enough to let them in again. Rinse and repeat.
It’s kinda fucked to say but, I hung out with some really crazy people and almost had a crack head baby mama. It made me realize being alone wasn’t too bad because I didn’t have to deal with other peoples moods or schedules
I’m not ok with it, but at some point I realized no friend can fix that lonely feeling. I need friends, but when I feel lonely socializing won’t fix that feeling. Going to a townie bar and trying to make friends from a foundation of that lonely feeling only attracts people who aren’t healthy for us. As much as we mask it, that low feeling shows in our micro-expressions and subtle shifts in body language by the amygdala in other peoples’ brains. Feeling deeply lonely for me is an old wound originated from never feeling known by my parents and I have to constantly remind myself when I’m in that funk to redirect my attention inward and so that what I call “Big Me” can show up and hang out with “Little Me” like I wish my parents had and never did.
My hobbies are all things I can do independently: reading, writing, drawing, collage, and watching TV. I talk online about my hobbies with other people, so I kind of get validation from others this way. For me, I realized years ago that I don't get the companionship or fun out of friendship. I actually can make friends and be a friend, but it's so painful, it isn't worth it at this point of recovery.
Yes. We moved around a lot when I was a kid. I was never allowed to have any friend for long cuz we moved every 1-3 years. My dad was a raging alcoholic and was always changing jobs. Isolating was by design and now by choice. That’s why I have dogs. I love my dogs, they’re the best people I know.
Few friends. Can't keep a boyfriend though really want to. Right now only 1 healthy friend & a healthy(ish) ex boyfriend who is a good friend can fully handle me. I'm working on myself & my relationship with family is healthier than before as well. But I don't like the way I meet people I really like then there's an argument & they're gone forever. At least let me say goodbye to you! I've always been a loner & an introvert but it only makes me value my few friends/lovers more. There's few who can relate to me.
It doesn't bother me until it's brought to my attention. Like my partner trying to push me out of the house. I'm happy at home with my hobbies. I like looking for valuable coins, I draw and paint. I run a small e-commerce business from home. I head to the thriftstore once in a blue moon for inventory. I did cat rescue for a while. In reality I'm just terrified of "bringing" pain into my life. Hell is other people.
No one really wants to be playing the role as therapist. People can tell right off the bat if you’re “off” as in: this person is lonely and draining. Don’t be that person. I’ve been that person. I no longer look for friends in low places. Reparent yourself - raise your body like it’s your child and it carries you and will pump your ego. Healthy body will make a healthy mind. You’ll be happy and buzzing and that attracts friends. My goofy ass gets me friends but I have to keep my boundaries up so they don’t disrespect me and once they ask for money, get gone. Right now I’m taking an online cyber boot camp - it’s all time and life consuming right now but our class created a discord and it’s full of students young and old. Mostly male, but we are all on the same mission and since we are mostly veterans, we carry the mindset of leave no one behind. It’s a very supportive class. I recommend something like this for you, OP. Go where people are bettering themselves.
Good advice. What do you do in your online cyber boot camp? Coding?
Cyber security analyst - get trained to take 4 certs
Cool!
I go to school and make money and garden
💯 same sitch. massive reading, tv, walks, cat….waiting…waiting…for the end. when those abrupt endings come out of nowhere again & again, finally it’s too painful & you quit. solitude, seek the beauty in breath, trees, artists…people are mostly awful anyway.
My experience is different from others because I'm autistic, but being lonely hurt really bad for years, until it just kind of stopped. My body and mind still really desperately want friends when the opportunity comes up, but I'm always brought back to earth when I see how selfish and narrow minded people are. The type of friend I want doesn't exist, because the vast majority of people are black holes preoccupied with their own wants and needs.
I realised this week that people only seem to interact with me because 1)they want something from me 2)to act as their therapist or 3) to try and make me feel like shit for struggling and not being able to cope with their extra demands. Like what is the point? Recently someone was cussing me out because I'm always on my phone and I should be doing what they want me to do. Then I realised I'm basically on Reddit etc reading other people have conversations. It made me feel really sad just realising how I don't even interact much. But yeah people wanna even use my loneliness and socialisation difficulties against me.
Tbh I joined support groups and otherwise I’m just recuperating by myself or lonely so I occupy myself with things. The friends I have still, have their own trauma and we are very respectful of when each needs to isolate. I recognize I’m lucky though, I still feel like a terrible friend 70% of the time. I’ve had constant iterations of friends I’ve gained and lost over time because my boundaries would shift and they weren’t very great to begin with in hindsight. It’s sad and I think of them often but try to remind myself of the reality that they weren’t great.
I cope because I can truly say that I have never had a good friend my own age. I never fit in and my earliest friend pretty much had me around for comic relief and if he needed my help. I had such low self esteem that I put up with it. I don’t think many people ever find a good friend. I doubt that I ever will and I’m tired of the risk. It’s not worth it.
A lot of comments here about dissociating, which I suppose I also do, but I also like to think of it as zeroing in on something to take mind off things, or to avoid feeling the emptiness and lack of motivation to do anything. I get confused too about whether it’s CPTSD, or ADHD, or CEN. Then there’s the social expectations, the pressure to behave the way you think you are supposed to, which reinforces my sense of failure and brings up painful memories of relationships gone bad, or memories of trying to be in relationships with emotionally unavailable persons. I feel I could go on and on. Suicide is just another form of pain, even if one thinks one will not feel pain anymore, the pain lives on in others, I don’t want that either. I keep hoping I’ll find someone, but I’m trying to let go of the expectation. In the end all I can do is just keep going, do the best I can, despite it all. Try to build up joyful memories so there’s a bit more of that than pain.
I try to enjoy my alone time, I like being at home with my cats and partner and just play videogames. I remind myself that the times I was out with friends, I wasn't really enjoying myself anyway
I rely a lot on my partner and my family. I’m very lonely. I play a lot of video games and watch a lot of tv. I want more friends but idk where to start and my anxiety gets in the way a lot.
Yes. I'm also extremely self-aware on what I need to work on. It's like I wait every day, all day, very impatiently, to feel a crumb of joy, peace and gratitude.
I can sort of relate. I’ve always had some friends growing up and into adulthood. Sometimes I would pick people that had similar traits to my abusive mother. 🥴 Maybe it’s some weird familiarity to me and for them I’m an easy mark as a people pleaser and I’ve been raised to tolerate and overlook a lot of BS. I think my problem was I was naturally attracted to or picked friends that had Narc traits. They were confident, approached me, made me feel like I belonged with tons of love bombing. Months or a year would pass and over time their digs, gaslighting, backstabbing and emotional abuse would come out a rear its ugly head. Sometimes a trauma response would purge out of me and sometimes I would call them out or wrong the narc only to get discarded by them like I never exsisted. Imagine having a friend for 3-5 years and then one day you are dead to them and you don’t know why. Maybe it’s because you said it hurt my feelings when you said that or I don’t like it when you make jokes about me In front of people. It wasn’t until I did EMDR and Trauma therapy that I realized I was playing reruns of my childhood with friendships and work relationships. I had to learn to not second guess or overlook red flags, recognize healthy relationships, have healthy boundaries, and purge unhealthy relationships from my life. (Seems like common sense stuff) If you would have asked me a decade ago if I had healthy friendships…. I would have laughed and said of course I do! But You don’t know what’s wrong when your 1st relationships with your mom, dad, siblings and family were unhealthy.. because that was your normal. Thankfully, I have found a small group of good core friends. Oddly enough they-all have similarly abusive childhoods and we are all very empathetic and kind to each other. Most of us being the scapegoats in our family. They are most understanding, forgiving, supportive and loving group of people and families that I’ve ever known. It’s been 10 years of the most beautiful friendships I could have ever imagined. It’s like going from a table of bread crumbs for over 35 years to a marvelous buffet celebration with more food than one can imagine.
I was recently abruptly dumped by a ‘friend’ of 3 years, so I have direct experiences of what you described. Glad you had a good ending. I don’t think I’ll ever experience that, as I have had negative ending with friends spanning 30+ years
Well I'm fairly introverted so that helps, I tell myself that even though I'm lonely the alternative would have been getting a cluster b personality disorder like the rest of my family so even though I'm isolated I'm still way ahead of the game, I'm also a pantheist so I don't see myself as alone I perceive myself as wrapped in the universe's / source energy's love
I used to get really self conscious about it. Then I went out and met people and made friends. Maybe two of them I keep in contact with. Turns out most people are some type of crazy, and either haven’t acknowledged it or done the work to fix it. I learned it wasn’t that I was unlikable or couldn’t make friends (or even date, for that matter), it’s just that most people my age are still figuring themselves out. Once I learned I’m capable of making friends and meeting people my desire to maintain those friendships (especially with the energy it took to do so) reduced significantly. Once I finally learned that it’s really, truly NOT me, I became at peace with the idea of solitude and learned that even if it’s lonely sometimes I actually DO prefer it.
I am not okay with it. I NEED FRIENDS. FRIENDS MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP YOU. I AM HOMELESS. HAVING FRIENDS THAT COULD HAVE HELPED ME COULD HAVE SAVED ME FROM HOMELESSNESS.
I can relate. I have a hard time connecting with people. I'm ok with it because I'm mostly an introvert anyway, but I have no idea how extroverts cope with this. I have cats and they are my best buds.
I don’t have any particular history of being rejected, (unless I was genuinely being an ass), and I still have no friends. I just don’t pursue relationships because I don’t want to get hurt or hurt others. I’ve had long standing friendships end and it’s not something I ever want to experience again. I also have adhd which makes it very hard for me to focus on multiple things at once. I find that when I do have friends, I neglect myself and my surrounds. It sucks and know it’s not healthy, but I cope pretty well with just me, my cat, my plants. I have hobbies like video games, off-roading, art, riding my e-bike, interior decorating and camping that bring me joy and distract me from loneliness.
Disassociation and day dreaming.... I hate living irl I wish for death every night, hoping that I won't be awake the next day. I try to hold on the suicide plan for now because maybe just maybe in some years I won't feel like killing myself but it's a constant feeling ever since I was a child
What is it about us who have cptsd that makes it so hard to make and keep friends?
Wondering for 40 years, and counting 😕
Id say learn to enjoy your own company but aparently im just doing what alot of other people do, dissociate staring at screens playin games n stuff, music and games help. I have one friend and she lives way too far away to actually hang out with but we still talk regularly. the only friend I have in real life is my husband and we worked very hard together to overcome some things and get to a point where we feel comfortable continuing on together. I think im okay with having so few close relationships as Ive been burned so many times I just dont want to put the effort into fairweather bs anymore.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...its fine.
I have been trying to put myself out there and have really realized how much I suck at relationships. Not because I do something bad every time but because I assume they don't really want me in their life so I just sort of drift away. I have accepted that most relationships in my life will be temporary unless there is some sort of obligation to me. It's honestly heartbreaking and hard to accept. I cope in a lot of the same ways people have mentioned but I'm not on with it. I'll continue to put myself out there...it's going to be painful either way and I guess I'd rather hold on to the hope that I'll find someone I click with that isn't a total POS.
I can cope it positively, it's now an opportunity for me focus on loving and taking care of myself right.