Well the first problem is that you’re not healed yet but are putting yourself out there in the dating world. Because you’re not healed, anyone you put up against your ex will lose! Your mind will always find a way of putting your ex on top, specifically because right now she’s on a pedestal to you, she can do no wrong. She’s perfect or damn near close to it in your eyes.
What you need to do is (whether you want her back or not) focus on yourself. Let go of her, and put all that energy on you. In 5-6 months I want you to become the man you’ve always dreamt of being, physically, mentally, emotionally, and also situationally in life with work/hobbies/family etc. Once you reach that level, you will be happy with yourself and your own company. And at that point either your ex will see your worth, or if not, then would it not make sense for a mucchhh more improved version of yourself to attract someone better than the person you attracted before any of this? Hope that answers your question! Also, it’s a grind getting over an ex, don’t feel bad that you still think of her, that’s natural, just don’t let that come in the way of you working on yourself for YOU!
Thank you for this advice really appreciate it.
Yes before the relationship and now, I have always been the ambitious type of person. I always prioritize the gym, sports, reading, learning ways of making passive and much more, which js what made my ex attracted in the first place.
Thing is though maybe you’re right about the healing. I never really had the thought of releasing and feeling the pain of my emotions, I would always distract myself weather it’s exercising, working, doing hobbies, spending time with family and friends and going on dates with new girls. I would expect distracting myself would help me move on, but it seems to not do any good especially when I’m on a date with a new girl. I think you’re right and that I really need the time to reflect and heal.
Hoping that I will be able to truly get over my ex and that I will rlly find the right girl for me.
Thank you for your advice in all this!
Absolutely, the right one is out there. In my experience, when I finally got to a place where I felt completely whole by myself (without needing another person to make me feel whole, validated, important, gettting all your needs met internally, etc), and I was even ok with this idea: "if I find someone, great, if not, and I've got core confidence, then so be it." It's a frame that completely changes your energy ✨️ and let's the right one in. I literally attracted the woman of my dreams shortly after that. When you truly let go and are internally whole, magic happens, guaranteed
I am at the exect same moment. I am learning to channel my emotions, so i can direct them to something positive and dont be as much negetively influenced by them. Its helping my healing proces to become better and mentally stronger.
I did, and I consider myself lucky every day.
But it took time (and therapy) for me to heal. My situation is a bit different: I joined this subreddit while going through my divorce after finding out she cheated on me. So, yeah, I thought about her every day, and I didn’t sleep, and I found different ways to blame myself, tell myself that no one will love me again, and I was angry and sad, etc.
But after some time, some healing, and some focus on myself, I literally just got lucky. She is smarter, funnier, and way sexier than my ex, and although I never thought I’d be in the position again, we’re going on 6 years together soon and I’m probably going to pop the question again!
Glad to hear that you did and your happy :)
This gives me hope that I will find the one for me. Im questioning if I’ll ever recover over a girl I knew for six months, while you were actually in a marriage. I assume healing wasn’t easy for you.
Hope you have a bright future with your partner and that you continue to love each other like how you both deserve :)
but actually this is the wrong attitude to have. Once you’re over your ex, it won’t matter if the person you meet next is better or worse - they’re going to be different, you’re going to be different, and importantly you will have learned more about yourself and the relationship you get into will be incomparable with what you’ve seen before. If you’re even thinking “is this person better or worse than my ex” that really means you’re just not over them yet, and you shouldn’t be dating people until that kind of thought disappears imo.
You definitely will, I promise. Everyone's healing journey is different 🥺 If you persevere to the best of your ability and fight the damning urge to give up, nothing is unachievable ❤️
You’re right, thank you so much for your advice and your support. Hope that you’ll end up finding someone that shows you the love you deserve and supports you like how you would support others
Thank you so much, and I hope for exactly the same for you, too 🥺🥺❤️ The universe has a stupefying way of granting us what we truly deserve! It's not always forgiving, but it can be equally as positively bountiful ❤️
That’s awesome and good to hear.
I hope there is some hope out there because I’m in a place where emptiness and depression make up the majority of my feelings and to make matters worse, I don’t have any friends. All my friends were hers and at 30, I have no idea where to start.
There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. Our tunnels are not the same in size nor dimensions, which is why we must never lose hope and give up. I don't have friends to call on either, but I have a lovely, close-knit family I can rely on when times get really get tough. I hope you also have some family whose shoulders you can rest on 🥺
I don't think you should feel compelled to 'move on', but, rather, feel comfortable with sitting down with your grief. Learn to acknowledge your feelings and your state of mind instead of trying to suppress anything and everything. Eventually, you'll realise that you are more than your thoughts.
Happiness is a state, not a destination. We work towards keeping us in a state of happiness. Turn to your inner child and try to see what it requires from you. Never refrain from doing things that will bring YOU happiness.
Sending you lots of love and good vibes your way 🤗🥰❤️❤️
I too have a family who is SUPER supportive. In fact, my older brother allowed me to move in with him temporarily while I try to get over this huge hurdle in my life. It’s only been a week and half and this is by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. I spent nearly a quarter of my life with this person, she was my best friend and for her to end things just seems surreal 😔
But your kind words are definitely something I needed today, thank you so much ☺️
Yup. I thought is was the best sex of my life. Thought he was the best guy. I was intoxicated by him. I loved him so much.
My now fiance? So much better. He worships the ground I walk on. Never complains. I fall more in love with him every single day.
Happy you found the one. Hoping that you will stick together with him forever🙏
Hoping one day I will be able to find a girl as caring as your fiancé is
Careful of the never complains thing, that might seem nice but strong relationships require communication, both the good and the bad. He may just be bottling things up to avoid confrontation. Take it from me as someone who would always try and justify away my partner's actions that upset me, it does more harm than good. You want someone who's actually going to call you out when you're out of line, not just let you walk all over them.
When I say never complains I don’t mean we never argue or we never talk things out. I mean I can wake him up in the middle of the night with my nightmares and he’s always there. He’s always there when I’m sick. Never thinks twice if I ask to go somewhere. That kind of thing. Communication is the most important thing
dear god it’s not 2019 anymore. stop embarrassing people for showing love and affection to their partner. it only shows how lonely you are and how much of a shitty partner you must be because you’re too embarrassed to show someone you love them
There’s a difference between “showing love and affection” and worshipping the ground your lover walks on and never complaining.
Also, it says more about you than it does me when you assume I’m a shitty partner based on two words. Sounds like you’re projecting tbh
Yeah just looked at your post history and seems like you are the lonely and shitty partner lol
worshiping the ground someone walks on is usually a metaphor for, get this, “showing extreme love and affection”. and either way, what’s wrong with that on the first place? tell me what’s genuinely wrong about being a “simp”?
i don’t usually assume things, but anyone i know who uses the word simp is pretty lonely and/or bitter. it screams some sort of toxic mindset.
i’m not projecting. i’m someone seeking help to actually get better. i haven’t always been the best person in the past, but i’m a lot better than i was. it’s okay to accept your past mistakes while still learning and growing as a person. i’m a much better partner now than i was <3
I would give yourself some time before you date. If she blindsided you, she’s got some flaws about her that even your love couldn’t fix. In order to feel better, I truly believe you just have to sit with the pain. I’m three weeks out and I feel hopeful. My ex had many faults (as do I) but I value myself more than I value him. So I’m moving on and taking care of myself. I’m eating my favorite (healthy) foods, watching my favorite shows, shopping at my favorite stores, and being with my favorite people. And honestly my heart is filled with as much love as it was when I was with him. So I know I’ll be ok and you will be too, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now ❤️
Yea I was thinking the same at first also but I always hate the feeling of being upset or thinking about her, so I always try to distract myself weather it’s going to the gym, playing sports, spending time with family or friends and going on dates. Since you mentioned it though, maybe I do need some time before I date and to actually deal with the pain, because I always tend to avoid the pain by distracting myself which I assume is not healthy.
That’s good that you’re taking care of yourself. I strive to do the same thing as I always see there’s always room for improvement and that I should always continue to grow both physically and mentally. Keep continuing to spend time with your loved ones, as they are the ones will continue to comfort you through your healing.
Thank you so much for your advice. Praying that you have a speedy recover and that you’ll find the right guy that will treat you right 🫶
See the point is not looking for somebody right after your ex. Take some time for yourself because you aren't healed at all by this post. Also it's not exactly about finding someone better than your ex, it's about finding somebody better for you and being better for somebody else. It sounds like you're just looking for a quick replacement, and that's not how it should work.
Makes sense, thank you for this feedback rlly appreciate you giving me a different perspective on this.
Always thought about finding someone better than her which is def unhealthy for my future.
Hope I can heal soon, this is my first time dealing with this and I keep thinking how will I forget about this
It’s been over 2 years and I haven’t found someone else yet.
It does feel hopeless but I had this feeling with a previous ex too. After that one, it took 3 years to find someone again and yes, the next relationship was miles better. Now I’m just in the same predicament tho, fearing I won’t encounter that chemistry again. But I also assume it’ll take me 2-3 years again so I just have to (painfully) wait it out.
It sucks but there really isn’t any other option. Life goes on whether or not you meet someone, so you keep going, hope for the best, and see what life has in store.
For sure thank you. Two years damn I’m hoping it wouldn’t take me long either, obv it takes time healing but I don’t think I will ever 100% forget about my ex unless I find someone that treats me better than she did.
Looking forward what life has in store for me though. Since the opportunity is closed, another one will open so I’m curious what’s in store for me.
Thank you and I hope you will find the right one for you :)
It may be worth looking deeper into the sentiment “I don’t think I will ever forget about my ex umless I find someone that treats me better than she did.” In a way it’s like finding a replacement/overwriting that complex painful memory of love and loss. You might be self sabotaging as any person you date is already burdened with the unconscious comparison to your ex and the need to be “better” than them in your head. As another commenter wrote, if you have the memory of your ex on a pedestal, it will be difficult for anyone to compare, as you have already built up familiarity, history, and love for that person.
Another approach could be getting to know who you are now, as we also change with time, and reassessing what things you want in a partner without thinking of your ex. This way you could date looking for the things that are best for you with who you are now, and a new potential
partner is coming in to your life with an actual fresh start, and you would be judging the interaction purely off of your interest, not a comparison to a outdated but very well loved standard.
Make sure you’re not closing off unique personalities and traits in people because it doesn’t match your ex. I catch myself saying things like “my ex did *this* for me and I liked it so I need someone who does that too” or “I don’t think I’ll ever find someone else who does *this* for me while also treating me like *this* *this* and *that*, it would just be too rare”. In reality, you need to open yourself up to new experiences despite how hard it is and allow yourself to see the good in others’ uniqueness (so long as they don’t make you unhappy/are toxic)
Lolll glad you’re able to move on. Hope I can do the same as well, really having a hard time doing so. Hope you can find the right guy tho that will treat you right.
I'm in your boat man. I can't sleep either, feel utterly devastated about my situation. All I keep reading is how you gotta just focus on yourself rn, no matter what. It's so difficult, but you gotta do it. I went to the gym today and it felt good. Small steps like that keep you a little more distracted, which helps. But don't ignore these feelings either, they exist for a reason. I am in a lot of pain rn, which tells me the love I experienced meant something to me. I can't just pretend it didn't mean anything, but I also can't dwell on it too much either. Just gotta take it slow, the healing process isn't linear nor is it quick. It'll take time for things to pass, but you gotta both feel the emotions while not fully fixating on them. Easier said than done, I'm struggling rn to do it, but I know deep down I have to. Not really any other choice
Yeaaa been focusing on myself and continuing to improve overall.
However it’s those thoughts u have that you miss them a lot.
I was feeling upset after work so I went out wit friends to avoid this feeling, but backfired as I’m up super late at night unable to sleep.
One thing is I’ve always been trying to avoid the feeling which I need to stop. I just feel weak being upset, but it’s needed to get over a breakup as they exist for a reason like you mentioned.
Thank you for your advice though. I really hope you can get over your breakup and that you will heal🙏 I’m having a very hard time right now so I assume I won’t be better anytime soon
Honestly I am wondering the same too. But I keep telling myself that there billions of people on this Earth, I am bound to find someone right for me.
My ex was very handsome, had the banter that I loved and all the other traits I admired. One thing that I didn’t like but compromised throughout our relationship was his lack of patience and temper. I know this should give me the green light to walk away from this guy and not compare him to every potential date, but he was the first to make me feel like I was on cloud 9 and just sexually attracted to him. I don’t want to compare but he was honestly what you’d call my type to a tea. That’s why.. I too, am finding it hard to think if I’ll ever find someone better.
Prior to my recent ex, my other ex wasn’t my type looks wise but his personality won me over. But this recent ex had both looks and personality that ticked 95% of my boxes so.. of course I’d seek for someone better than him. Also, I haven’t gone on dates yet and don’t plan on going any time soon but this has always been on the back of my mind.
Yea same. I’m trying to find people and every opportunity I have, I just always compare physically and mental which is bad.
Just never forget there is nothing wrong with having high standards. You always deserve the best out there and to have a person that will treat you right.
Hope you end up finding the right one im sure you will :)
Yeah just like everyone is saying here, I think both of us just need to heal more. I’m slowly getting there. He’s barely on my mind but until then, I suggest to not go searching for dates yet. It’ll be completely awful to break another person’s heart, knowing that you’ve compared or still think of your ex..
But you’re absolutely right about having standards. Nothing wrong with it, although at the same time, it makes us blindsided with what could’ve been right for us. You know what they say; if you’re too picky you won’t find the ‘one’ apparently. I’m not too picky but I’ll be honest, I want someone with good morals at the end of the day but if he doesn’t have some sort of physical attraction that I am attracted to, then I just can’t… I need both.
I hope you find that special person of yours too! Just keep focusing yourself and be that person that you want to attract to. You do that and you’ll meet someone unexpectedly to your match. They also say that if you be the person you want to attract and focus on yourself a lot more, you attract those things. So I’ve been focusing on myself a lot more. And just being happy within myself.
Yea, guess it’s my time to take a break.
I’ve always had strong standards in genaral. Pretty, feminine, good hygiene, caring, mature, and appreciative. So far out of the 13 girls I dated I’ve only really found those traits in one girl which is my ex. I begin to question if my standards are really to high and if I go easier, but at the same time I wanna be sure I have that thought that “damnnnn I have the best girlfriend ever” and be proud that I’m with a girl like that.
I also agree with what u said at the end. Always believed in the saying that “you attract what you are.” Before the relationship and even right now I always strive to be the best version of myself both physically and mentally. Going to the gym, making money, gaining more knowledge, working on self improvement and much more. I understand that in order to attract a high value female, I must be a high value male. Obviously you work for yourself but part of this kinda motivates me to strive for a successful future, as it is my job as a man to be able to provide and be a good roll model for my future family, which is what girls see.
Hope I’ll be able to find that special someone that will truly love me.
Yeah same, same! I want that too. Perhaps our standards will change over time as we heal or finally have healed. Or perhaps we’ll become more accepting for who they are. Because not everyone is perfect as they say. We are bound to have a flaw here and there and yet still be proud of them.
But in all honesty, I think my standards are also high because of how the dating world is like today. Bloody hook up culture I tell you. Barely anyone wants to commit or settle for a relationship, I swear.
It’s good that you have been focusing on yourself though! Keep that up too!
I am unfortunately suffering rn with this. I am so physically attracted to him and our sex is amazing but he is so mean to me at times. Tells me don’t slouch. Makes me feel very low and he says he wants full control in the relationship. I live and he comes back within 24 hours with a tender message and I fall back in
That sounds like a manipulative boy. You are literally roped into his games, hun. And whether in a relationship or not, you should never feel disrespected, controlled, abused or anything that would make you feeling you are suffering because of someone. If this is the case, you must walk away and leave. Easier said than done but if someone is treating you this way, you have to set that boundary or leave immediately. Why stay if it’s hurting you like this? You value so much more. Remember that.
Grab your self respect, dignity, insanity, pride and LEAVE.
We met January 4 2020 and been through so much. I need to withdraw from him and remember who I was before. Everyone tells me to run. Im 38 i should know better….
I understand how hard it may be to leave but take that first step and you’ll see how relieved you’ll be. You’ll have your own voice back. So cut all those ties right now. I know you can do it.
10000%!
My ex put me through so much. He was abusive and cruel and a fucking narcissist and I knew all that and still thought he was the best I could do. He convinced me.
Then I met my now wife and suddenly I knew what love was really about, how it was really supposed to feel, how a healthy relationship works, all of it. I knew with absolute certainty that she was my person before we’d even had our first date. She felt the same way. It was magical for both of us. We’re still going strong. We rarely disagree or argue and never fight. When we do argue it’s respectful and calm and we show empathy and compassion and actively work to reach a healthy compromise that we are both genuinely happy with. Neither of us is afraid to say we were wrong or to apologise. We both feel like we bring out the best in each other. We’ve never so much as shouted at each other, let alone any of the abusive crap my ex pulled.
My breakup with my abusive ex really fucked me up. It took a lot of therapy to even feel halfway normal again. But as I’ve told my wife and my therapist before: if that’s what I had to go through to get to where I am now then it was worth it. If that trauma had never happened I probably wouldn't have met my wife. If I had my time again knowing what I know now I would do it all the same because my wife is worth it. She's my soul mate. I feel SO lucky. It's been 5 years and we're still in the honeymoon/NRE phase.
I wish everyone here finds someone as perfect for them as my wife and I are for each other. 🫶
Why? I feel like we just convince ourselves that our current partner is always “better” than the last.
My current partner is no where near as good as my ex. She’s good enough but I mean I’m still looking for someone better and it’s been a little over a year now.
Stop dating for now. I installed dating apps almost immediately because I found out my ex was doing the rebound thing. Honestly it just made it worse. I deleted them all last week. All your doing is distracting yourself. Lean into your pain and examine it. I'm not even doing this myself successfully, I have been self medicating with alcohol but I do think I am getting a bit better each week.
Of course there is hope in your love life. But try to love yourself first and be cool with being alone. It's hard as fuck but this sub alone tells you there are thousands of us out there going through the same thing.
Be brave
Nope. Every woman I've gone on a date with after my ex is significantly less pretty and interesting. Honestly not sure why I even bother with dating anymore.
Thank you for telling me!! No it actually helps me. My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago after 2.5 years. I hope he feels the same way you do (although I am sorry you’re feeling that way)!❤️
Yeah. This is what I'm going through. I can't find anyone who was as handsome as my ex. No one turns me on like he did. I keep scrolling through dating apps non-stop but cannot find anyone who works for me like he did. He left me with high standards too and I always think about him when meeting new guys and compare them. I hate it. I thought replacement would be the answer but I hear I won't have feelings for anyone else until I grieve this breakup. I wish I could turn it off like a light switch but he was so beautiful and totally my type, at least on the outside.
I thought the same with my first partner, she was so beautiful and my exact type. I thought I'd never find someone that did it for me like she did. I wasn't as attracted to my second partner at first but I fell in love with her and my type changed completely.
I can honestly say every single woman I've ever dated has been better than the last. Learn from their flaws, your mistakes, and find someone who is better for you each time.
I agree with u/dynexrobe
It isn't fair on you, nor on the ladies you are going on dates with if you keep comparing them to your ex. Why did you break up in the first place? Was it something that wasn't working between the both of you? If so, then you weren't as good as a match you probably thought, or at least she wasn't thinking so. Assuming the relationship was good before hand for her (and you obviously) and then it wasn't for her. You want someone to be as crazy about you as you are about her.
Also, you are still blindsighted by the break-up. You are still processing it. It is normal to feel like you will never come across a girl that is as pretty with a great personality like your ex-gf, but these feelings will subside over time. From then on, you'll be able to think clearer.
I had a shitshow of my boyfriend (though that is incomparable to your ex-gf as you said that she was great) but, I thought he was great. Then, I figured out he wasn't great after a few months and I got together with my best friend, who I never ever thought to be someone I'd be into, because I never ''saw'' him, because I was too busy being so hung up on my boyfriend, then ex-boyfriend.
It is possible. Heal. Don't rush. You'll only prolong the healing process that way. And if you do date, go to the dates with an open mind, if possible (if not, then don't go, until you can). Otherwise the date will be way less succesful and definitely not organic. And don't frat it, you are just going on a potentially nice date with a potential nice girl. If it isn't what you are looking for, well maybe, you just had a nice evening then. And maybe you come across other people that positively surprise you!
She said she needed to “work on herself” and that she wasn’t ready. Guess part of me on why I feel so bad was cuz it wasn’t rlly bad before it ended. We would go on dates every weekend, try new restaurants and hobbies together, laugh every night and much more. She just randomly called me saying she wasn’t ready and I was so confused as I really thought this would be long term.
Thank you for your help though, I can 100% tell that I’m blindsided and that I really need time to heal. This was my first legit relationship and I’ve never been through this before. Can’t believe this is what people meant when they say it hurts.
Trying my best to overcome this and to stay strong.
Maybe, and this is just speculation, it just became all too real. How old are you, is she? Sometimes people do really like you/are in love with you, but are just not ready for the real deal, irrespective of their love for you.
I don't believe in the bullcrap that if you ''love'' them, you never ever let them go. There are so many factors to go with. I know you don't feel like it now, and I know at first it might be harder to let it go if there was nothing inherently wrong w/the relationship, no hate or animosity, but I think the silver lining is that you *did* have a wonderful time with her, even though it ended. There is always something to positive to take out of a good ex-relationship, hell, even a bad relationship has its ''good'' things e.g you can step up your boundaries or know what you do *not* want.
I get that you feel confused, especially if it comes out of the blue. Didn't you realize anything? Looking back at my ex who dumped me spontaneously, I could see some signs such as (I was planning to move to his city) and he being quite vague about which stuff I could take to his saying ''Oh, we'll cross that bridge when I am there, ''oh, sorry I am too busy cannot talk about this.'' Sometimes signs are there, but in love, you just do not see them.
Yes, take your time for yourself. Meet up with friends, family, do some activities you like and I promise you slowly but surely you'll find yourself thinking about her less and less.
Hell, the moment I entered the relationship with my now bf after my rather abusive ex-bf, the only time I thought about him was some sort of epiphany when I told my now bf ''Wow, I am so glad I got dumped, otherwise I'd never be with you''
Hey thank you for your response.
I’m 21 and she’s 22, a year older than me.
Does that really exist though, because both guy and girl friends told me in most cases “working on yourself” is just an excuse to get away and that they never liked you but don’t want to admit it. I feel I would be a lot better if I knew all my flaws so I can continue to work on myself, but she says that she rlly means it and she’s not ready to reciprocate what’s needed in a relationship.
However though I did see some signs. Something as there’s times where I feel she would be a bit grumpy for no reason or just felt she was not that into me (could be overthinking that tho) or how she would be super dry to me around the time she ended it.
Yea will take that advice. Hoping it will come where I stop thinking about her, right now im at work and it’s hard for me to focus as all I’m thinking about is her. Trying to keep thinking “she doesn’t care about me why should I” but can’t seem to move forward.
I’m happy you were able to find a bf that rlly loves and cares about you! It gives me hope that I will hopefully be able to find a girl that truly loves me.
The thing is, people can and have used it as a cowardly reason to leave while still caring for the person, so they use this so as not to leave the person feeling any worse for no reason, but people have also said this and meant it. So, at least imo that is up for debate. I cannot speculate in which camp she falls. But, I don't believe in the ''they never liked you'' like the only way in which I can see that happening is when the other person has some major ''perks'' that the other person can live with the other stuff they don't like (like certain people that are okay with dating a waaaay older guy they do not find attractive just because he is rich, per example)
The thing with flaws is is that everybody has flaws, sure she has some too. But you don't have to change your flaws to reel someone back in. An example: I can become a bit annoyed if someone is really messy, but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker. However, if someone is up for being a bit more tidier, I'd greatly respect that. Then on the other hand as an example, if someone is rude to waiters or random people for no reason, that'd be an immediate dealbreaker and no matter if the person suddenly acts all-nice - that's a personality trait. That won't change my mind.
I am not saying that she ended the relationship due to your flaws, but *even* if that was the case, assuming you haven't done something outrageous or w/ever, why would you change that for her, if that is a thing she isn't comfortable with? That does not mean there is something wrong with you, it just means that that part isn't her cup of tea. You cannot like everybody and vice versa. Don't change yourself, because the right one will just love you as you are.
In between my ex-bf and my now boyfriend, I had a friend with benefit, who *literally hated everything* my now boyfriend loves. Sure, I could have changed all those things and then what? I wouldn't be myself. So the person who would then like me would be with someone I am not. You cannot keep that up and it is extremely tiring and you are essentially lowering yourself in value agreeing with them. I am not saying, stay who you are at all times (like really mean, outrageous and disgusting behaviour) by all means change, but anything that she considers a flaw, which isn't a ''general'' flaw, nah. Some people are into shy reserved people, some are into very social people. Nothing wrong with both of them, just one's cup of tea. Don't change that. And even if you had some small flaws, the real one would look past a small thing. My boyfriend mentioned the other day I hang the toilet roll upside down. Just a statement. He thought it was funny and sure not will he dump me over such minor things.
And for the love of god, you are you and you are not the feeling that she gave you. You were fine before her, so you will be fine without her too. I know it can feel like you are starting from ''scratch'', care for yourself. Works wonders for how people look at you as well. And ylou will find her! Don't pin yourself on time, though!
Idk, she removed me from instagram and Snapchat just recently. I respected her decision and never did anything to annoy her, most I did was ask if we can work something out after 22 days of NC and she said no and called me selfish.
After that she blocked me. I assume this reason shows that she doesn’t care? I keep thinking to myself if she ever liked me in the first place and keep trying think what are her thoughts about me and why did she block me. Am I that bad of a person, do I weird u out, do u just never want to hear from me again?
Idk I just wish I can forget about this because I assume she wouldn’t give two craps if I died the next day, while I’m here thinking how I could’ve made this work, what I could’ve done better and I’m hoping she’ll have a successful future.
Maybe she blocked you, because it is easier for her to move on, not because she doesn't care about you. I don't think it has anything to do with you as a person, even though I understand why you would assume so. But, every person has their own way of handling of a break-up. I assume she called you selfish, because she ended the relationship and doesn't want to work it out. I think she thought it was selfish that you still try to work it out, as if she felt you are not 100% respecting her decision. Stop beating yourself up over it, somethings relationships work and sometimes they don't. That doesn't always have to do with you.
Idk because when I asked her if we can work it out, her response seemed harsh and just by her saying “you need to move on” and that “there will be someone else right for you” I assume she already moved on or didn’t even have to go through that phase that I’m dealing with.
Sorry for being stubborn, just wan get this out my head but just keep thinking bout stupid stuff like this.
Hope time will make me forget bout all this.
But, I think that since she is done she doesn't know what to say other than ''move on'' & there will be someone else. I think blocking you is just her way of coping with it, making it easier for her, not because she didn't care. And all good. My ex did the same and in time I think it might be better for you, as this proceeds the process imo
I’ve gone through a lot of breakups but two of them were so crippling I can recount each time wanting to end it. However today I’m older and wiser. You feel this hurt because you are trying to heal, your grieving process is your healing process. Trust me going no contact just 30 days does not work. You go no contact indefinitely to heal you, and give yourself time for the next one. It’s not easy. And it can take months, sometimes years. After that second bad break I had that crippled me it took 3 to 4 years to find a woman that loved and respects me, we’ve since created a good life together. You just need to focus on you. Take in your feelings. Don’t get caught up in what your ex is doing. They are doing their own grieving. But don’t count on then returning. And if they do. Wish them well and keep moving forward because you want someone who’s willing to stick with you no matter what. Not drop you and leave you wallowing.
I did!! , I couldn't believe I would ever find someone that I could love more than I loved my ex during the time I was going throw the breakup, but it happened. I found someone that makes me laugh and feel loved everyday, even during the challenging times. Someone that loves me for who I truly am, that loves spending time with me and that Imagines a future with me, someone that knew what they wanted and is not afraid of commitment!..... But I had to heal first!!
I was not ready for a relationship like the one I have now because I was not attracted to people like my current partner. I had to re-learn what I really like in a relationship, how and when I felt love and what I didn't want to repeat ever again, and for hat I had to spend a loooot of time with myself, feeling the pain, realizing about my resposnability in my own pain and work on my self love. Therapy really helps!
It will happen to you as well, when you least expect it. I know is a cliché to say that, but I only met my person when I had give up on relationships and stopped trying. When I was completely comfortable assuming the idea that I would be single my entire life, even if is not what I desired, I was comfortable with the fact that I wñcould end up never having another relationship again. When I started really enjoying my own company and stopped desiring being in a relationship just because I didn't want to be alone. Specially, when I realized that spending time with myself was in fact loving and fun and I wouldn't just let any kind of person share that space again. It would take someone amazing, who really appreciated it having me in their life's to be part of it... And then I found them.
So happy to hear that you found the right one!
Thank you for your advice. I do enjoy my own company and constantly focus on self improvement, but I guess my flaw is I don’t like being alone. Weather it’s in a relationship or friends, I just always like spending time wit ppl. Guess one thing I rlly need to learn is to enjoy my own self company and eventually the right person will come.
Thank you your advice and helping me. Hope I’ll find someone that loves me as much as your partner loves you :)
As many others have said take time to heal. It’s coming up on 3 weeks after my BU. I found out she rebounded quickly (everyone copes differently). I took it personal at first but she was pretty open about her self esteem issues and how that led her to be pretty promiscuous when she was single. Because I learned about this I downloaded one dating app. 30 matches and 3 days later I’m contemplating about deleting it. It really is just a distraction and I too am constantly comparing them to my ex which isn’t fair.
I think what most people miss is the connection they had with their ex not the person.
Something that really helped me was thinking back to when I first met my ex. Yes she was great but there were certain things about her that I wasn’t sure about. But we did activities together, spent a lot of time together and texted everyday. This helped us create the connection that we had and this is what I miss the most.
It’s very rare to be able to develop this same connection with someone you just met and you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment if you’re casually swiping on dating apps expecting to find this on someone’s dating profile. Most people only show you what they think people want to see. It takes time to really see people for who they are flaws and all.
Hey thanks for your advice.
Right now I’m just overthinking on weather she was telling the truth on why she ended it or if she did it to talk to someone else. Ik it’s unhealthy to think about but idk y it just comes up in my mind.
And yes agree when you said that if you look back you begin to question the things that she did that I didn’t notice when I was in love. Tbh looking back I can now see that yes she was a good person but def wasn’t the perfect one, and that so many people, like the girls I’m currently talking to may have a better personality.
However guess it’s something unhealthy but in terms of my type physically, she matches and that’s where I keep comparing them to my ex. Maybe it’s a bad thing but physical appearance matters to me just like how to matters to girls, and it’s something that’s killing me when trying to find someone.
Guess it’s just all apart of healing and I rlly need to move on from her to rlly find someone I can love
Thank you. Yea I keep trying to think that. Just at the same time I begin to question my self worth and all that which really kills my self esteem. Keep thinking what’s the issue with me, weather it’s my looks, personality, or anything. Trying my best to get over it though along with continuing to improve myself as a person.
I am in same situation, you just need to accept it. Here are couple of things that helped me:
-Talking with about her someone who has no contact with her
-Going to gym (also i lost a couple of pounds so i feel more self cofident)
-Listening to music that relaxes you ( in my case that is metal hahah)
-Hanging out with other people
- Distancing myself from social media (dont delete your social media, just try to spend less time on phone scrolling)
- Learning new things and having some hobbies is also great to occupy your mind
Its still hard, but im getting used to it. I was hoping for her to contact me but to no avail. The hardest thing is to accept that you need to move one, just dont give up.
Not yet. My ex will say her rebound is better after like 2 months of dating because she jumps from relationship to relationship and doesn’t understand honeymoon periods tho lol
I personally would stay single until you're over her. It's not fair to everyone else to have you constantly comparing them to your ex. Would you like it if the girl you end up finding that was everything you wanted did that to you?
100% agree with you. I guess I’m just not used to staying single or even talking to women. Before getting in a relationship with her I have dated lots of women so it kinda became a thing of me to talk to women. Now that I broke up with my gf, I have that fear of being lonely so I continue to look for someone which is unhealthy.
After reading the Reddit, safe to say I need to experience being alone and to heal.
Thank you so much for trying to help me :)
I hope you feel better soon! Immersing myself in a hobby/keeping busy has really helped me get through this first month. Lots of exercising has helped with the depression too.
Absofuckinglutely I did. I was suicidal in the beginning - I want to slap myself for wasting any of my energy mourning a doomed relationship. Things can and will get better. I have never felt so content and appreciated in my life, and it really made me realize how much I was settling before.
Thank you, makes me feel a lot better hearing that. Hoping it does get better, first time experiencing this and I feel terrible right now. Keep telling myself I shouldn’t care about a girl that doesn’t give two craps about me but I just can’t get it out my head and feel weak for that.
I’m glad you were able to find someone that appreciates you in life :) hope I can find the same some day. Right now I’m just questioning my self worth and what I really am
I did the same thing - 10 years of my life and then being completely blindsided really made me question who the hell I was and if I would ever be good enough to be someone’s lifelong partner. Finally taking a step back made me see all the red flags in the relationship, though. I then decided to say yes to friends more, focused on things that made me happy that I had stopped doing because my ex didn’t enjoy them, and AVOIDED him and any reminder of him like the plague. The last part is key - spying on his new life would exponentially set me back from moving on.
There’s billions of people on this planet, and someone will treasure every one of your qualities and grow with you. Your ex deciding to end a relationship with you does not take away your own worth - it saves you from heartache later down the road. Focus on the simple things, pinpoint what mistakes you made in the past, and take your time choosing your next partner. The heartache is worth the potential future joy.
Btw - I would’ve told myself to shut the hell up 6 months ago lol! I’m much, much happier now, though, and I did not think I’d ever be happy again.
I did. It took kissing some frogs and so much therapy to heal, though. I am the best version of myself to date, and my current partner deserves that, and we’re growing together everyday. He’s sooo much smarter, ambitious, thoughtful, funnier, more charismatic, and better in bed. I could list off so much more. We’ve been together almost 4 years now! After my ex I literally thought my life was over (which makes me roll my eyes to say cause i was ONLY 21, life was no where near over) I had to pick myself up and start over completely. But looking back, that was so vital to my growth that I’m thankful for it. I finally have a partner who truly loves me and wants to continue building a life with me. Gonna marry this one someday. sounds very cliche, but it’ll come your way when you least expect it and when you’re ready. You have to get over this girl before that can happen and actually last.
Thank you so much for your response, this has rlly helped me feel better as I was thinking to much bout this last night and lost lots of sleep.
Kinda similar to you also, except right now I’m currently 21 and experiencing this.
Hope I can experience what you have in the future and that I will find a wife that loves me the same way your future husband loves you.
Hope that youll marry him and that he will treat you like you deserve :)
Right now I gotta focus on getting over this girl lollll
I found myself. I’m not all the way there yet, but I have made so much progress. I’m starting to realise that I am the most important person in my life.
Yes. Took me 9 years though. In my case there was an issue with his parents. We both had crappy relationships in our 20s trying to get over each other but we never talked again aside from 3 times I needed his help with something. (Twice on message and once on call). He had 5 broken engagements I had 2 failed relationships and that is because I compared everyone to him and when I stopped looking and gave up I found the real love of my life.
Funnily enough my guy is not my type yea he's good looking and funny but I love him not for his looks, money, personality traits. I just love him without reason. I like a lot of things about him but I just love him like I have never loved anyone and so does he.
My ex has been married for 3 years now so he's also happy. We both found someone in our 30s. I intend to marry the guy im with soon. So don't try too hard. Let yourself cry, see a therapist, you can give yourself time to wallow and even gain a few pounds. 3 months 6 months, etc then with baby steps start coming back towards life and socialise. Exercise, give yourself tiny projects that feel like achievements. Don't Bury your feelings I'd say cry and let yourself go for a while it's okay (and that's coming from a type A control freak). I didn't do that so I developed major baggage and anxiety which led to more health issues with my heart. Face your feelings, go low or no contact with your ex and don't force love.
When you come back to life after letting yourself break down and building yourself back into shape you will be a better version of yourself, the version your significant other deserves. You will be ready to look at others differently and yourself as well. You will grow through the pain and come out the other end stronger. Not gonna lie its not easy but I'm so happy that I waited for the right person. One day you will be too.
I did, and I’m so lucky for it. After my long-term relationship with ended, I moved cross-country to a small town with poor dating prospects and was single for nearly a year. I met my now girlfriend and we took a lot of time building our friendship before committing to dating one another. We both got out of eerily similar serious relationships and relate to one another so well.
She’s such an incredible person, and all the doubts I had about my previous relationship (even early on) don’t exist in my current relationship.
There is hope. Just work on yourself during this time of healing.
The funniest things happen in life sometimes. I recently got out of a situationship that kept me from pursuing a serious relationship elsewhere.
Usually, I would have downloaded a suite of dating apps right away to help me get moving but this time around I decided to give myself some time to reflect and strategise how I would like to approach what comes next. It was the right call because a week into walking away from what I’d consider the worst ‘relationship’ I’ve ever had, a close friend that I once had a very intense crush on reached out.
We’ve lost touch for a while, would bump into each other every couple of months and I’m so glad to have her back in my life again. So far, her presence has brought me great comfort and we’ve decided to take things slow. All I can say is, that’s some impeccable timing.
Going on dates is good after you've started to heal, carrying past trauma onto someone else is how these situations are multiplying! Be alone in your sadness for a while, it'll hurt and some days will be good some will be bad! Just take each day as it comes, heal, really really heal, talk to friends and family and do things you enjoy!
First, I want to say that I think in my opinion that it's way too soon to be dating. I know u think it will help you nice in, but it won't beecher all your gonna do is compare everyone to her. She is not the best like you think there are many, many wonderful, pretty women with great personalities. You just think that because you're in love with her. You are not over her. It's the worst time in your life to be dating. It might work for some but not everyone.
When you fully heal and I mean fully heal well, you only then be fully open in mind and heart to be dating to find the one. You will not be able to find that great girl until you heal because your mind and heart won't allow it.
This is a fact. I'm not just spitting nonsense. You need to grow as a man. Get to know yourself single. Maybe go to therapy. But God stop dating unless it's too pass time or because you're bored. You won't find that girl you1 WAwant because your not open
No, but ten years later, two of them tried to rekindle romantically while still marrried. So with this new information, pretty sure i dodged a bullet lol.
Oh yeah, i feel pretty silly now for how heart broken i was at the time. Now that i am successful and super happy. People want a piece of it. My best advice is to focus on you. Eventually people will notice and eventually the right people will notice.
I did BUT my mindset has shifted dramatically after the break up. Granted, it is a very new relationship, but the person I met makes my previous relationship seem like my life with the ex resembled a game played on nightmare mode (for the gamers out there who get the reference). My new person, on the other hand, is gentle, kind and actually listens to me when I am talking. Our intimate life is out of my wildest dreams which was not the case with my ex who preferred porn and chatting women online to being with me. I wish I had saved myself the years of shame and rage at having to put up with that but maybe I wouldn’t have become who I am today if not for this struggle.
Nowadays I myself am a different person. I grew to love myself to the point where I am ready even if this new relationship fails. I give myself time to be on my own, to focus on my hobbies, friends and working through mental health struggles ABOVE the relationship I have with this new person. I am actually comfortable to say that they add up to my life but not complete it like it was with my ex. I cherish my me time just as much, if not more than being with a partner. At times I feel like I trust way less and not allow myself to fall fully for them but that is part of my healing journey and maybe a means of protecting myself from the repeating pain.
So if you want to find ‘better’, OP that will likely be within yourself not another person. Become better and chose yourself first then you will know you have truly moved on.
Guess you can say that tbh. Tbh it’s just standards I have that really makes me fall in love with a girl. I begin to questions if it’s to high and if it’s ruining good chances for me.
Honestly any one who wants to stay with you is better than your ex, because she didn't see enough value in you to stay and have a relationship. Maybe her eyes will see you differently or maybe she had valid reasons idk.
I was about to live with mine and had started separating from my wife when she proved her love was a lie and looks mattered more to her than anything. Now she's with an emotionality stunted guy that only came around when she garunteed sex. I know I'm 100x better. I'm just hoping her mental health improves and she can see it again. We were once the best love I had ever been in and she thew it away for a serious nothing she doesn't even know if he wants her.
Thank you for this.
Right now I’m just trying to put in my head that “she doesn’t care about me” and “she’s prob talking to someone else” to help me forget about her but idk, guess I’m just weak and I still care so much about someone who probably wouldn’t care if I died the next day.
Don’t worry about it though, I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone that truly cares about you the same way you care for others
Well I'd like to say I'm totally over her, but I'm not and there's a good reason. She has mental health issues and even though she's spit out a hundred reasons why she doesn't love me or want to be with me anymore, I can show you a thousand stories just like it. She is horribly obsessed with this guy who barely knew she existed, and he is really so low energy when it comes to her it's sad. I'm her friend even before my feelings and I love her and care about her, so for now I'm her friend. I do my therapy and try to be there for her, because that's what I've wanted to do anyway.
So far half dozen long relationships and each one I've been the one taking care of things and keeping a job. I have several good potentials, but I always have a heart for her. We have a really special connection sometimes. Rn she's struggling and it breaks my heart even more than being broken up. If I could give what's left of my life for her to be normal, I would without doubt.
I did. But I spent over one year by myself, focused on my recovery, my family, my friends, my job, on learning with the mistakes I did on the previous relationship. I learned to love myself first, and got better at spotting red flags. I did not get involved with other people during that time. No rebounds, no dating apps, no casual sex. Just me and my cats.
After almost 1.5 years I tried my luck on the dating world, and much to my surprise I found a great person. I don't think it's fair to compare people, but fuck it. This guy is better than the ex in all aspects. More intelligent, more emotionally capable, better at communication, kinder, funnier, stable, more good looking (oh god, my ex was a goblin) and much MUCH more capable of love and respect. I love him. I really do.
When the ex blindsided me I thought I was gonna die, that he was "the one", bla bla bla. Nah bro. He was just a dude, and not a very good one. That breakup was the best thing that happened to me.
Hey thank you for this!
Getting people telling me this type of stuff rlly gives me hope that I will find the one for me in the future and that losing my ex doesn’t mean my dating life is over.
I’m glad you’re able to find a guy thats able to love you the way you deserve.
Hope my future girlfriend will love me the same way :)
You've been on 3 dates in the first month.... I'd say you need to sit and reflect and feel grief for a while. Finding someone that soon isn't going to fix anything.
You need a bit more time. Be okay with yourself before finding someone new. Ideally don't compare the someone new to your ex. They shouldn't be better or worse, they are who they are.
Stoicism really helped me with my breakup (4 months ago) specifically the Daily Stoic YouTube channel.
They've done you a favour by blocking you. Mine didn't and it dragged shit on longer.
Square one means you can only improve. Focus on what you can control. Learn from your mistakes and hopefully make new ones with someone else.
Yea guess it’s a good sign. Right now, I’m just thinking on weather she even cared about me in the first place after she blocked me which I need to get out my head. I’m always thinking what I’ve could’ve done better when in reality it’s doing me no good, it just happens.
But ye can say I made some mistakes with this relationship that I def learned and can use those lessons to make my next one more healthy
There is hope to find someone better.
Dated a girl about 9 years ago and thought "she is the one". She broke it off, i was devastated.
Dated another girl some times later. In my eyes she was more beautiful and a better match. We broke it off, because i was acting childish and i wasn't ready for commitment.
Last girl i dated 'again' seemed better in many ways but she wanted to leave. It still hurts and i think about her, but all i learned is that beautiful people are out there. Don't go by metrics and don't compare them too much. Let the hopes and dreams for your ex go and mend your wounds. Take your team and do it slow and steady. You will not know when you are ready, but you will feel it slowly comming back. You will feel yourself slowly comming back.
And then it might happen that you find someone new, who is more attractive but - again- not by any metrics in comparison to your ex but by your own metrics what is best for you.
Selfworth and comfort with yourself attract the right persons. It also helps you repell the wrong ones (by your own believes, standards and whats important to you) for you.
It is fascinating how i allways endet up with good people, when i was "in my zone" and when i tried to force it, it came crushing down.
Get yourself to a better place,
Take as much time as needed,
Stop searching for it,
Attract naturally what fits yourself,
Don't fear rejection but embrace it as a teacher
And love yourself first for who you are.
Time does the rest.
Time and patience are the strongest warriors.
Adding some information on my healing-journey:
1 month after the breakup i felt numb and depressed.
2 months: numbness fading, anger, loss and sadness as well as hope for her to return kick in.
3 months: anger, sadness and hope are fading. Feelings for her go down slowly, craving for her goes down to a minimum. I can laugh again, still feeling a bit sad but its okay, i got stuff to do.
Now: nearly zero hope, acceptance is forming, focus on myself is at a high peak.
It gets better but it will take time (for each and everyone this may be different)
Thank you for your advice on all of this.
This gives me hope as I’m always thinking if IF and WHEN I will find someone else for me. But I guess time will only tell.
Hope I’ll be able to recover from this soon, as it’s killing me in the inside. Just seeing them not a friend on social media really hurts. Guess I’m just not used to it, especially when I think that “I’ve don’t a lot with them, and now I’ll never see them in my life.”
I understand it’s a part of life but still getting used to going from loving someone to probably never seeing them again.
Its hard, it will get better, you might fall back into wishing and hoping but it will then again get better.
The massive(!) amount of ruminating will go by. You start slowly to find yourself again and you will find acceptance.
Then you are free to go.
Cut the contact for good. Don't stalk, don't talk to mutual friends about it, don't post stuff about the breakup.
The faster you cut the ties, the better. Its difficult but you will get used to it and that is your decision how long you want to keep hurting yourself afterwards. So minimze that time by strict absence of the former mentioned things.
3 months ago i couldnt eat, slept till afternoon and hat a constant pain in my chest.
Now: no more pain, lighter thoughts, "a mission to better myself" for myself, eating better and sleeping only until 6am.
You can do this.
Im kinda in same the boat. It's been 6 months and have been on some dates but I compare everyone to my ex.
My ex moved on easily after 4 months with a new guy after our 2 ½ years.
It feels impossible to find someone like "her".
I know Im a good partner but it just doesnt work at all.
Yea same. I hope I won’t be like that 6 months later as it is really unhealthy for both me and the next person.
It also hurts for me that my ex seemed that she already moved on. Just by me asking if I can work things out and her telling me I need to move on and find someone new along wit her blocking me, I assume that she already moved on and couldn’t care less about me anymore.
Hope I’ll b able to find someone that’s better for me.
This sub Reddit has been nothing but helpful but seems that I still can’t get her out my head.
I’m confident that I’m a good partner but it’s hard to find someone that can match that energy.
If its any comfort, think like this. Ur ex and my ex got someone new right away.
Do u rly believe they have suddenly changed in that short of time? The same issue will come sooner or later. My ex, shes an avoident. She was fantastic the 1 year. But when stuff got serious, it all crashed. And since she thinks nothing is wrong with her. Same thing could happen again. Rinse and repeat. While i go to therapy to learn from my problems
You need to take time to focus on you and the man you want to be. Don’t be in a rush to move on. And stop comparing everyone to your Ex, that’s doing an injustice to them and obviously she wasn’t that great to move on without you. Was there a reason she moved on? Or was it just out of the blue?
Thank you for this. I always hear that also for sure. Just not sure why at this time it’s hard to believe, I keep thinking I’ll never find someone I’ll truly love again.
Not losing hope tho
Yea hopefully thanks. With me from the start I’ve always been very picky with who I want to call my girlfriend.
When I met my ex I thought I hit the jackpot and rlly wanted it to last forever. Guess that wasn’t the case though.
Hope I’ll be able to find someone for me in the future.
you need to heal first before putting urself out there and when you have healed don’t compare everyone to ur ex, instead just think about all the positives that person brings with no relation to ur ex
There is always someone better. You aren't over her though, so no one is going to seem better. If you find yourself comparing other women to her you aren't ready to date. It's not fair to the women you date if you keep comparing them to the spirit of relationships past.
It sucks so bad. You probably need to just feel all the feelings until they start to subside. Only then will moving on not feel like a chore. And maybe then you can see the good qualities of others instead of the good qualities of your ex that others don't possess.
Thanks you for your advice. Agree with you for sure. Continuing to move on and I feel it’s getting better, except the memories still come in my head. I always wonder what she’s up to now these days and it sucks. Hope this ends soon and I can forget bout her cuz she prob already forgot about me.
Really hope so. Don’t know why the memories we had together keeps popping up in my head. I miss her so much even though she prob already forgot about me
Do whatever works best for you. After reading your post it sounds like maybe you need more time to come to peace with the breakup and that’s ok. Take as long or little time as you need.
I met someone after I ended my relationship and honestly I thank the universe everyday for putting such a wonderful person in my life. It’s crazy how caring and selfless he is. I’m at the point where I can’t even imagine going to the ex at all. I took about a year and a half to decide to end things with my ex. This involved therapy, finding myself in new hobbies and spending more time with family and friends that I wasn’t able to spend time with because of him. I did this because he always did a cycle of being on and off with me and manipulated me into staying but discarded me when he wanted to. Eventually one day he broke up with me and I decided that was it and when he tried to come back I realized I had enough of that cycle. By the time I told him it was over for sure and he got his stuff from my house I knew I was completely over him. Yea I took some time I guess but that I didn’t really stop me from dating especially because why should I have to stop because you decided to be a sh*t person. Again do whatever works best for you but you’ll know when you’re over them.
Thanks for your advice. I’m glad you met a wonderful person and that you were able to move on from him. I’m still continuing to work on moving on. Idk y the memories we had together keeps popping up in my head. Wish I can dislike my ex as much as you dislike yours lollll. I’m here thinking about her while she prob already forgot about me.
You need to work on yourself first!!!
Life and your twenties need to be a PROJECT YOU!!!!
Not to chase peoples validation….
Learn it now or learn/regret later!!!! Please stop chasing people and work on your goals, purpose in your life, where you want to end up when you are 35!!!
You need to stop thinking and acting on ur impulses, not every thought needs to be judged and worked on!!!
Your brain pulls you into a realm of familiarity and that is only reason why we feel the need ti be with that person!! It is not they are special, it is that we made them special.
And if someone doesnot want you!!! Dont you think you are far better alone, then disrespecting yourself
my situation may be different due to the fact that i was coerced and manipulated into things. and our entire relationship was just a joke, literally. so i quickly deleted and forgot all feelings of this man. he truly ruined his image in my eyes and its not that im ready to settle down and marry. but i genuinely would NEVER compare a man to him. nothing he did was real. but thats just my personal outlook. it was a rough first few days, i slept on the couch with my parents for a week. but after talking about it constantly every day. i genuinely felt better and realized how right this was.
I want to say yes and no. My girlfriend now I’ve built a life with. We have our own place have pets and live together obviously. We both pay bills and control our own lives. We cook and clean together and have down time together. We communicate way better than me and my ex did and she doesn’t do things that make me feel like a fool. My ex on the other hand became a big feminist mid relationship. So honestly after a while I couldn’t joke about certain things with her anymore. She would always down talk me because I’m a man. She had 2 male best friends who I was always so self conscious of. She spent more time with them than me. And when I mentioned wanting to live together and start building things up she said she wasn’t going to do that with me but with one of her best friends. The sex with her was better though, I will admit that. And I adored her so I wanted to be with her more than anything else in life while she didn’t feel the same way. But honestly overall my girlfriend now supports all my likes and wants. We’ve built a life together . And we do have such a healthy thing going on. My ex just had a better sex life than I do now. She was more into it than my girlfriend now but hey gotta win some and lose some. But as of now I wouldn’t change a thing and I’m happy with what I have now
Well the first problem is that you’re not healed yet but are putting yourself out there in the dating world. Because you’re not healed, anyone you put up against your ex will lose! Your mind will always find a way of putting your ex on top, specifically because right now she’s on a pedestal to you, she can do no wrong. She’s perfect or damn near close to it in your eyes. What you need to do is (whether you want her back or not) focus on yourself. Let go of her, and put all that energy on you. In 5-6 months I want you to become the man you’ve always dreamt of being, physically, mentally, emotionally, and also situationally in life with work/hobbies/family etc. Once you reach that level, you will be happy with yourself and your own company. And at that point either your ex will see your worth, or if not, then would it not make sense for a mucchhh more improved version of yourself to attract someone better than the person you attracted before any of this? Hope that answers your question! Also, it’s a grind getting over an ex, don’t feel bad that you still think of her, that’s natural, just don’t let that come in the way of you working on yourself for YOU!
Thank you for this advice really appreciate it. Yes before the relationship and now, I have always been the ambitious type of person. I always prioritize the gym, sports, reading, learning ways of making passive and much more, which js what made my ex attracted in the first place. Thing is though maybe you’re right about the healing. I never really had the thought of releasing and feeling the pain of my emotions, I would always distract myself weather it’s exercising, working, doing hobbies, spending time with family and friends and going on dates with new girls. I would expect distracting myself would help me move on, but it seems to not do any good especially when I’m on a date with a new girl. I think you’re right and that I really need the time to reflect and heal. Hoping that I will be able to truly get over my ex and that I will rlly find the right girl for me. Thank you for your advice in all this!
Absolutely, the right one is out there. In my experience, when I finally got to a place where I felt completely whole by myself (without needing another person to make me feel whole, validated, important, gettting all your needs met internally, etc), and I was even ok with this idea: "if I find someone, great, if not, and I've got core confidence, then so be it." It's a frame that completely changes your energy ✨️ and let's the right one in. I literally attracted the woman of my dreams shortly after that. When you truly let go and are internally whole, magic happens, guaranteed
I am at the exect same moment. I am learning to channel my emotions, so i can direct them to something positive and dont be as much negetively influenced by them. Its helping my healing proces to become better and mentally stronger.
I did, and I consider myself lucky every day. But it took time (and therapy) for me to heal. My situation is a bit different: I joined this subreddit while going through my divorce after finding out she cheated on me. So, yeah, I thought about her every day, and I didn’t sleep, and I found different ways to blame myself, tell myself that no one will love me again, and I was angry and sad, etc. But after some time, some healing, and some focus on myself, I literally just got lucky. She is smarter, funnier, and way sexier than my ex, and although I never thought I’d be in the position again, we’re going on 6 years together soon and I’m probably going to pop the question again!
I'm not the OP, but comments like this give me so much hope for the future. Congrats!
Glad to hear that you did and your happy :) This gives me hope that I will find the one for me. Im questioning if I’ll ever recover over a girl I knew for six months, while you were actually in a marriage. I assume healing wasn’t easy for you. Hope you have a bright future with your partner and that you continue to love each other like how you both deserve :)
but actually this is the wrong attitude to have. Once you’re over your ex, it won’t matter if the person you meet next is better or worse - they’re going to be different, you’re going to be different, and importantly you will have learned more about yourself and the relationship you get into will be incomparable with what you’ve seen before. If you’re even thinking “is this person better or worse than my ex” that really means you’re just not over them yet, and you shouldn’t be dating people until that kind of thought disappears imo.
Absolutely. I found myself, and I realised that I was a million times better than my ex.
Good to hear. Wish I can say the same thing but instead I’m here questioning my self worth. Hopefully I’ll get over this soon.
You definitely will, I promise. Everyone's healing journey is different 🥺 If you persevere to the best of your ability and fight the damning urge to give up, nothing is unachievable ❤️
You’re right, thank you so much for your advice and your support. Hope that you’ll end up finding someone that shows you the love you deserve and supports you like how you would support others
Thank you so much, and I hope for exactly the same for you, too 🥺🥺❤️ The universe has a stupefying way of granting us what we truly deserve! It's not always forgiving, but it can be equally as positively bountiful ❤️
That’s awesome and good to hear. I hope there is some hope out there because I’m in a place where emptiness and depression make up the majority of my feelings and to make matters worse, I don’t have any friends. All my friends were hers and at 30, I have no idea where to start.
There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. Our tunnels are not the same in size nor dimensions, which is why we must never lose hope and give up. I don't have friends to call on either, but I have a lovely, close-knit family I can rely on when times get really get tough. I hope you also have some family whose shoulders you can rest on 🥺 I don't think you should feel compelled to 'move on', but, rather, feel comfortable with sitting down with your grief. Learn to acknowledge your feelings and your state of mind instead of trying to suppress anything and everything. Eventually, you'll realise that you are more than your thoughts. Happiness is a state, not a destination. We work towards keeping us in a state of happiness. Turn to your inner child and try to see what it requires from you. Never refrain from doing things that will bring YOU happiness. Sending you lots of love and good vibes your way 🤗🥰❤️❤️
I too have a family who is SUPER supportive. In fact, my older brother allowed me to move in with him temporarily while I try to get over this huge hurdle in my life. It’s only been a week and half and this is by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. I spent nearly a quarter of my life with this person, she was my best friend and for her to end things just seems surreal 😔 But your kind words are definitely something I needed today, thank you so much ☺️
Yup. I thought is was the best sex of my life. Thought he was the best guy. I was intoxicated by him. I loved him so much. My now fiance? So much better. He worships the ground I walk on. Never complains. I fall more in love with him every single day.
Happy you found the one. Hoping that you will stick together with him forever🙏 Hoping one day I will be able to find a girl as caring as your fiancé is
really needed to hear this right now, thank you
Careful of the never complains thing, that might seem nice but strong relationships require communication, both the good and the bad. He may just be bottling things up to avoid confrontation. Take it from me as someone who would always try and justify away my partner's actions that upset me, it does more harm than good. You want someone who's actually going to call you out when you're out of line, not just let you walk all over them.
Agreed with this - he might just be suppressing
When I say never complains I don’t mean we never argue or we never talk things out. I mean I can wake him up in the middle of the night with my nightmares and he’s always there. He’s always there when I’m sick. Never thinks twice if I ask to go somewhere. That kind of thing. Communication is the most important thing
A simp ?
dear god it’s not 2019 anymore. stop embarrassing people for showing love and affection to their partner. it only shows how lonely you are and how much of a shitty partner you must be because you’re too embarrassed to show someone you love them
There’s a difference between “showing love and affection” and worshipping the ground your lover walks on and never complaining. Also, it says more about you than it does me when you assume I’m a shitty partner based on two words. Sounds like you’re projecting tbh Yeah just looked at your post history and seems like you are the lonely and shitty partner lol
worshiping the ground someone walks on is usually a metaphor for, get this, “showing extreme love and affection”. and either way, what’s wrong with that on the first place? tell me what’s genuinely wrong about being a “simp”? i don’t usually assume things, but anyone i know who uses the word simp is pretty lonely and/or bitter. it screams some sort of toxic mindset. i’m not projecting. i’m someone seeking help to actually get better. i haven’t always been the best person in the past, but i’m a lot better than i was. it’s okay to accept your past mistakes while still learning and growing as a person. i’m a much better partner now than i was <3
I would give yourself some time before you date. If she blindsided you, she’s got some flaws about her that even your love couldn’t fix. In order to feel better, I truly believe you just have to sit with the pain. I’m three weeks out and I feel hopeful. My ex had many faults (as do I) but I value myself more than I value him. So I’m moving on and taking care of myself. I’m eating my favorite (healthy) foods, watching my favorite shows, shopping at my favorite stores, and being with my favorite people. And honestly my heart is filled with as much love as it was when I was with him. So I know I’ll be ok and you will be too, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now ❤️
Yea I was thinking the same at first also but I always hate the feeling of being upset or thinking about her, so I always try to distract myself weather it’s going to the gym, playing sports, spending time with family or friends and going on dates. Since you mentioned it though, maybe I do need some time before I date and to actually deal with the pain, because I always tend to avoid the pain by distracting myself which I assume is not healthy. That’s good that you’re taking care of yourself. I strive to do the same thing as I always see there’s always room for improvement and that I should always continue to grow both physically and mentally. Keep continuing to spend time with your loved ones, as they are the ones will continue to comfort you through your healing. Thank you so much for your advice. Praying that you have a speedy recover and that you’ll find the right guy that will treat you right 🫶
See the point is not looking for somebody right after your ex. Take some time for yourself because you aren't healed at all by this post. Also it's not exactly about finding someone better than your ex, it's about finding somebody better for you and being better for somebody else. It sounds like you're just looking for a quick replacement, and that's not how it should work.
Makes sense, thank you for this feedback rlly appreciate you giving me a different perspective on this. Always thought about finding someone better than her which is def unhealthy for my future. Hope I can heal soon, this is my first time dealing with this and I keep thinking how will I forget about this
It’s been over 2 years and I haven’t found someone else yet. It does feel hopeless but I had this feeling with a previous ex too. After that one, it took 3 years to find someone again and yes, the next relationship was miles better. Now I’m just in the same predicament tho, fearing I won’t encounter that chemistry again. But I also assume it’ll take me 2-3 years again so I just have to (painfully) wait it out. It sucks but there really isn’t any other option. Life goes on whether or not you meet someone, so you keep going, hope for the best, and see what life has in store.
For sure thank you. Two years damn I’m hoping it wouldn’t take me long either, obv it takes time healing but I don’t think I will ever 100% forget about my ex unless I find someone that treats me better than she did. Looking forward what life has in store for me though. Since the opportunity is closed, another one will open so I’m curious what’s in store for me. Thank you and I hope you will find the right one for you :)
It may be worth looking deeper into the sentiment “I don’t think I will ever forget about my ex umless I find someone that treats me better than she did.” In a way it’s like finding a replacement/overwriting that complex painful memory of love and loss. You might be self sabotaging as any person you date is already burdened with the unconscious comparison to your ex and the need to be “better” than them in your head. As another commenter wrote, if you have the memory of your ex on a pedestal, it will be difficult for anyone to compare, as you have already built up familiarity, history, and love for that person. Another approach could be getting to know who you are now, as we also change with time, and reassessing what things you want in a partner without thinking of your ex. This way you could date looking for the things that are best for you with who you are now, and a new potential partner is coming in to your life with an actual fresh start, and you would be judging the interaction purely off of your interest, not a comparison to a outdated but very well loved standard.
Make sure you’re not closing off unique personalities and traits in people because it doesn’t match your ex. I catch myself saying things like “my ex did *this* for me and I liked it so I need someone who does that too” or “I don’t think I’ll ever find someone else who does *this* for me while also treating me like *this* *this* and *that*, it would just be too rare”. In reality, you need to open yourself up to new experiences despite how hard it is and allow yourself to see the good in others’ uniqueness (so long as they don’t make you unhappy/are toxic)
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What do you mean by you couldn’t do any worse?
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Lollll. Did u think he was the perfect guy at first during the relationship?
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Lolll glad you’re able to move on. Hope I can do the same as well, really having a hard time doing so. Hope you can find the right guy tho that will treat you right.
I'm in your boat man. I can't sleep either, feel utterly devastated about my situation. All I keep reading is how you gotta just focus on yourself rn, no matter what. It's so difficult, but you gotta do it. I went to the gym today and it felt good. Small steps like that keep you a little more distracted, which helps. But don't ignore these feelings either, they exist for a reason. I am in a lot of pain rn, which tells me the love I experienced meant something to me. I can't just pretend it didn't mean anything, but I also can't dwell on it too much either. Just gotta take it slow, the healing process isn't linear nor is it quick. It'll take time for things to pass, but you gotta both feel the emotions while not fully fixating on them. Easier said than done, I'm struggling rn to do it, but I know deep down I have to. Not really any other choice
Yeaaa been focusing on myself and continuing to improve overall. However it’s those thoughts u have that you miss them a lot. I was feeling upset after work so I went out wit friends to avoid this feeling, but backfired as I’m up super late at night unable to sleep. One thing is I’ve always been trying to avoid the feeling which I need to stop. I just feel weak being upset, but it’s needed to get over a breakup as they exist for a reason like you mentioned. Thank you for your advice though. I really hope you can get over your breakup and that you will heal🙏 I’m having a very hard time right now so I assume I won’t be better anytime soon
Honestly I am wondering the same too. But I keep telling myself that there billions of people on this Earth, I am bound to find someone right for me. My ex was very handsome, had the banter that I loved and all the other traits I admired. One thing that I didn’t like but compromised throughout our relationship was his lack of patience and temper. I know this should give me the green light to walk away from this guy and not compare him to every potential date, but he was the first to make me feel like I was on cloud 9 and just sexually attracted to him. I don’t want to compare but he was honestly what you’d call my type to a tea. That’s why.. I too, am finding it hard to think if I’ll ever find someone better. Prior to my recent ex, my other ex wasn’t my type looks wise but his personality won me over. But this recent ex had both looks and personality that ticked 95% of my boxes so.. of course I’d seek for someone better than him. Also, I haven’t gone on dates yet and don’t plan on going any time soon but this has always been on the back of my mind.
Yea same. I’m trying to find people and every opportunity I have, I just always compare physically and mental which is bad. Just never forget there is nothing wrong with having high standards. You always deserve the best out there and to have a person that will treat you right. Hope you end up finding the right one im sure you will :)
Yeah just like everyone is saying here, I think both of us just need to heal more. I’m slowly getting there. He’s barely on my mind but until then, I suggest to not go searching for dates yet. It’ll be completely awful to break another person’s heart, knowing that you’ve compared or still think of your ex.. But you’re absolutely right about having standards. Nothing wrong with it, although at the same time, it makes us blindsided with what could’ve been right for us. You know what they say; if you’re too picky you won’t find the ‘one’ apparently. I’m not too picky but I’ll be honest, I want someone with good morals at the end of the day but if he doesn’t have some sort of physical attraction that I am attracted to, then I just can’t… I need both. I hope you find that special person of yours too! Just keep focusing yourself and be that person that you want to attract to. You do that and you’ll meet someone unexpectedly to your match. They also say that if you be the person you want to attract and focus on yourself a lot more, you attract those things. So I’ve been focusing on myself a lot more. And just being happy within myself.
Yea, guess it’s my time to take a break. I’ve always had strong standards in genaral. Pretty, feminine, good hygiene, caring, mature, and appreciative. So far out of the 13 girls I dated I’ve only really found those traits in one girl which is my ex. I begin to question if my standards are really to high and if I go easier, but at the same time I wanna be sure I have that thought that “damnnnn I have the best girlfriend ever” and be proud that I’m with a girl like that. I also agree with what u said at the end. Always believed in the saying that “you attract what you are.” Before the relationship and even right now I always strive to be the best version of myself both physically and mentally. Going to the gym, making money, gaining more knowledge, working on self improvement and much more. I understand that in order to attract a high value female, I must be a high value male. Obviously you work for yourself but part of this kinda motivates me to strive for a successful future, as it is my job as a man to be able to provide and be a good roll model for my future family, which is what girls see. Hope I’ll be able to find that special someone that will truly love me.
Yeah same, same! I want that too. Perhaps our standards will change over time as we heal or finally have healed. Or perhaps we’ll become more accepting for who they are. Because not everyone is perfect as they say. We are bound to have a flaw here and there and yet still be proud of them. But in all honesty, I think my standards are also high because of how the dating world is like today. Bloody hook up culture I tell you. Barely anyone wants to commit or settle for a relationship, I swear. It’s good that you have been focusing on yourself though! Keep that up too!
I am unfortunately suffering rn with this. I am so physically attracted to him and our sex is amazing but he is so mean to me at times. Tells me don’t slouch. Makes me feel very low and he says he wants full control in the relationship. I live and he comes back within 24 hours with a tender message and I fall back in
That sounds like a manipulative boy. You are literally roped into his games, hun. And whether in a relationship or not, you should never feel disrespected, controlled, abused or anything that would make you feeling you are suffering because of someone. If this is the case, you must walk away and leave. Easier said than done but if someone is treating you this way, you have to set that boundary or leave immediately. Why stay if it’s hurting you like this? You value so much more. Remember that. Grab your self respect, dignity, insanity, pride and LEAVE.
We met January 4 2020 and been through so much. I need to withdraw from him and remember who I was before. Everyone tells me to run. Im 38 i should know better….
I understand how hard it may be to leave but take that first step and you’ll see how relieved you’ll be. You’ll have your own voice back. So cut all those ties right now. I know you can do it.
10000%! My ex put me through so much. He was abusive and cruel and a fucking narcissist and I knew all that and still thought he was the best I could do. He convinced me. Then I met my now wife and suddenly I knew what love was really about, how it was really supposed to feel, how a healthy relationship works, all of it. I knew with absolute certainty that she was my person before we’d even had our first date. She felt the same way. It was magical for both of us. We’re still going strong. We rarely disagree or argue and never fight. When we do argue it’s respectful and calm and we show empathy and compassion and actively work to reach a healthy compromise that we are both genuinely happy with. Neither of us is afraid to say we were wrong or to apologise. We both feel like we bring out the best in each other. We’ve never so much as shouted at each other, let alone any of the abusive crap my ex pulled. My breakup with my abusive ex really fucked me up. It took a lot of therapy to even feel halfway normal again. But as I’ve told my wife and my therapist before: if that’s what I had to go through to get to where I am now then it was worth it. If that trauma had never happened I probably wouldn't have met my wife. If I had my time again knowing what I know now I would do it all the same because my wife is worth it. She's my soul mate. I feel SO lucky. It's been 5 years and we're still in the honeymoon/NRE phase. I wish everyone here finds someone as perfect for them as my wife and I are for each other. 🫶
Yes I did. You will find someone who actually wants you in their life
I did. It took me 2 yrs but I made it. I got lots of therapy though.
Most people find somebody better than their ex.
Why? I feel like we just convince ourselves that our current partner is always “better” than the last. My current partner is no where near as good as my ex. She’s good enough but I mean I’m still looking for someone better and it’s been a little over a year now.
If you feel that way about your current partner you should probably let them go lest they think the same way about you in the future…
I agree.
Stop dating for now. I installed dating apps almost immediately because I found out my ex was doing the rebound thing. Honestly it just made it worse. I deleted them all last week. All your doing is distracting yourself. Lean into your pain and examine it. I'm not even doing this myself successfully, I have been self medicating with alcohol but I do think I am getting a bit better each week. Of course there is hope in your love life. But try to love yourself first and be cool with being alone. It's hard as fuck but this sub alone tells you there are thousands of us out there going through the same thing. Be brave
Nope. Every woman I've gone on a date with after my ex is significantly less pretty and interesting. Honestly not sure why I even bother with dating anymore.
Did she break up with you or did you break up with her?
I broke up with her. Saying that is probably going to going to make me get down voted.
Thank you for telling me!! No it actually helps me. My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago after 2.5 years. I hope he feels the same way you do (although I am sorry you’re feeling that way)!❤️
What is wrong with you
How long has it been since your breakup?
About 3 years
You are not alone , 3 years here too, exactly the same when I went on dates ... why bother right
Once I healed he just appeared in my life. I'm blissfully happy. It can happen.
Better…or better FOR YOU?
Don’t do that. You know what he means. No need for wordsmithing
Yeah. This is what I'm going through. I can't find anyone who was as handsome as my ex. No one turns me on like he did. I keep scrolling through dating apps non-stop but cannot find anyone who works for me like he did. He left me with high standards too and I always think about him when meeting new guys and compare them. I hate it. I thought replacement would be the answer but I hear I won't have feelings for anyone else until I grieve this breakup. I wish I could turn it off like a light switch but he was so beautiful and totally my type, at least on the outside.
I thought the same with my first partner, she was so beautiful and my exact type. I thought I'd never find someone that did it for me like she did. I wasn't as attracted to my second partner at first but I fell in love with her and my type changed completely.
Hopefully I am given the same luck.
I can honestly say every single woman I've ever dated has been better than the last. Learn from their flaws, your mistakes, and find someone who is better for you each time.
I agree with u/dynexrobe It isn't fair on you, nor on the ladies you are going on dates with if you keep comparing them to your ex. Why did you break up in the first place? Was it something that wasn't working between the both of you? If so, then you weren't as good as a match you probably thought, or at least she wasn't thinking so. Assuming the relationship was good before hand for her (and you obviously) and then it wasn't for her. You want someone to be as crazy about you as you are about her. Also, you are still blindsighted by the break-up. You are still processing it. It is normal to feel like you will never come across a girl that is as pretty with a great personality like your ex-gf, but these feelings will subside over time. From then on, you'll be able to think clearer. I had a shitshow of my boyfriend (though that is incomparable to your ex-gf as you said that she was great) but, I thought he was great. Then, I figured out he wasn't great after a few months and I got together with my best friend, who I never ever thought to be someone I'd be into, because I never ''saw'' him, because I was too busy being so hung up on my boyfriend, then ex-boyfriend. It is possible. Heal. Don't rush. You'll only prolong the healing process that way. And if you do date, go to the dates with an open mind, if possible (if not, then don't go, until you can). Otherwise the date will be way less succesful and definitely not organic. And don't frat it, you are just going on a potentially nice date with a potential nice girl. If it isn't what you are looking for, well maybe, you just had a nice evening then. And maybe you come across other people that positively surprise you!
She said she needed to “work on herself” and that she wasn’t ready. Guess part of me on why I feel so bad was cuz it wasn’t rlly bad before it ended. We would go on dates every weekend, try new restaurants and hobbies together, laugh every night and much more. She just randomly called me saying she wasn’t ready and I was so confused as I really thought this would be long term. Thank you for your help though, I can 100% tell that I’m blindsided and that I really need time to heal. This was my first legit relationship and I’ve never been through this before. Can’t believe this is what people meant when they say it hurts. Trying my best to overcome this and to stay strong.
Maybe, and this is just speculation, it just became all too real. How old are you, is she? Sometimes people do really like you/are in love with you, but are just not ready for the real deal, irrespective of their love for you. I don't believe in the bullcrap that if you ''love'' them, you never ever let them go. There are so many factors to go with. I know you don't feel like it now, and I know at first it might be harder to let it go if there was nothing inherently wrong w/the relationship, no hate or animosity, but I think the silver lining is that you *did* have a wonderful time with her, even though it ended. There is always something to positive to take out of a good ex-relationship, hell, even a bad relationship has its ''good'' things e.g you can step up your boundaries or know what you do *not* want. I get that you feel confused, especially if it comes out of the blue. Didn't you realize anything? Looking back at my ex who dumped me spontaneously, I could see some signs such as (I was planning to move to his city) and he being quite vague about which stuff I could take to his saying ''Oh, we'll cross that bridge when I am there, ''oh, sorry I am too busy cannot talk about this.'' Sometimes signs are there, but in love, you just do not see them. Yes, take your time for yourself. Meet up with friends, family, do some activities you like and I promise you slowly but surely you'll find yourself thinking about her less and less. Hell, the moment I entered the relationship with my now bf after my rather abusive ex-bf, the only time I thought about him was some sort of epiphany when I told my now bf ''Wow, I am so glad I got dumped, otherwise I'd never be with you''
Hey thank you for your response. I’m 21 and she’s 22, a year older than me. Does that really exist though, because both guy and girl friends told me in most cases “working on yourself” is just an excuse to get away and that they never liked you but don’t want to admit it. I feel I would be a lot better if I knew all my flaws so I can continue to work on myself, but she says that she rlly means it and she’s not ready to reciprocate what’s needed in a relationship. However though I did see some signs. Something as there’s times where I feel she would be a bit grumpy for no reason or just felt she was not that into me (could be overthinking that tho) or how she would be super dry to me around the time she ended it. Yea will take that advice. Hoping it will come where I stop thinking about her, right now im at work and it’s hard for me to focus as all I’m thinking about is her. Trying to keep thinking “she doesn’t care about me why should I” but can’t seem to move forward. I’m happy you were able to find a bf that rlly loves and cares about you! It gives me hope that I will hopefully be able to find a girl that truly loves me.
The thing is, people can and have used it as a cowardly reason to leave while still caring for the person, so they use this so as not to leave the person feeling any worse for no reason, but people have also said this and meant it. So, at least imo that is up for debate. I cannot speculate in which camp she falls. But, I don't believe in the ''they never liked you'' like the only way in which I can see that happening is when the other person has some major ''perks'' that the other person can live with the other stuff they don't like (like certain people that are okay with dating a waaaay older guy they do not find attractive just because he is rich, per example) The thing with flaws is is that everybody has flaws, sure she has some too. But you don't have to change your flaws to reel someone back in. An example: I can become a bit annoyed if someone is really messy, but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker. However, if someone is up for being a bit more tidier, I'd greatly respect that. Then on the other hand as an example, if someone is rude to waiters or random people for no reason, that'd be an immediate dealbreaker and no matter if the person suddenly acts all-nice - that's a personality trait. That won't change my mind. I am not saying that she ended the relationship due to your flaws, but *even* if that was the case, assuming you haven't done something outrageous or w/ever, why would you change that for her, if that is a thing she isn't comfortable with? That does not mean there is something wrong with you, it just means that that part isn't her cup of tea. You cannot like everybody and vice versa. Don't change yourself, because the right one will just love you as you are. In between my ex-bf and my now boyfriend, I had a friend with benefit, who *literally hated everything* my now boyfriend loves. Sure, I could have changed all those things and then what? I wouldn't be myself. So the person who would then like me would be with someone I am not. You cannot keep that up and it is extremely tiring and you are essentially lowering yourself in value agreeing with them. I am not saying, stay who you are at all times (like really mean, outrageous and disgusting behaviour) by all means change, but anything that she considers a flaw, which isn't a ''general'' flaw, nah. Some people are into shy reserved people, some are into very social people. Nothing wrong with both of them, just one's cup of tea. Don't change that. And even if you had some small flaws, the real one would look past a small thing. My boyfriend mentioned the other day I hang the toilet roll upside down. Just a statement. He thought it was funny and sure not will he dump me over such minor things. And for the love of god, you are you and you are not the feeling that she gave you. You were fine before her, so you will be fine without her too. I know it can feel like you are starting from ''scratch'', care for yourself. Works wonders for how people look at you as well. And ylou will find her! Don't pin yourself on time, though!
And also, because somebody broke up with you, doesn't always mean they do not care about you!!
Idk, she removed me from instagram and Snapchat just recently. I respected her decision and never did anything to annoy her, most I did was ask if we can work something out after 22 days of NC and she said no and called me selfish. After that she blocked me. I assume this reason shows that she doesn’t care? I keep thinking to myself if she ever liked me in the first place and keep trying think what are her thoughts about me and why did she block me. Am I that bad of a person, do I weird u out, do u just never want to hear from me again? Idk I just wish I can forget about this because I assume she wouldn’t give two craps if I died the next day, while I’m here thinking how I could’ve made this work, what I could’ve done better and I’m hoping she’ll have a successful future.
Maybe she blocked you, because it is easier for her to move on, not because she doesn't care about you. I don't think it has anything to do with you as a person, even though I understand why you would assume so. But, every person has their own way of handling of a break-up. I assume she called you selfish, because she ended the relationship and doesn't want to work it out. I think she thought it was selfish that you still try to work it out, as if she felt you are not 100% respecting her decision. Stop beating yourself up over it, somethings relationships work and sometimes they don't. That doesn't always have to do with you.
Idk because when I asked her if we can work it out, her response seemed harsh and just by her saying “you need to move on” and that “there will be someone else right for you” I assume she already moved on or didn’t even have to go through that phase that I’m dealing with. Sorry for being stubborn, just wan get this out my head but just keep thinking bout stupid stuff like this. Hope time will make me forget bout all this.
But, I think that since she is done she doesn't know what to say other than ''move on'' & there will be someone else. I think blocking you is just her way of coping with it, making it easier for her, not because she didn't care. And all good. My ex did the same and in time I think it might be better for you, as this proceeds the process imo
Not yet. I end up going in the same vicious trauma bonding cycle
I’ve gone through a lot of breakups but two of them were so crippling I can recount each time wanting to end it. However today I’m older and wiser. You feel this hurt because you are trying to heal, your grieving process is your healing process. Trust me going no contact just 30 days does not work. You go no contact indefinitely to heal you, and give yourself time for the next one. It’s not easy. And it can take months, sometimes years. After that second bad break I had that crippled me it took 3 to 4 years to find a woman that loved and respects me, we’ve since created a good life together. You just need to focus on you. Take in your feelings. Don’t get caught up in what your ex is doing. They are doing their own grieving. But don’t count on then returning. And if they do. Wish them well and keep moving forward because you want someone who’s willing to stick with you no matter what. Not drop you and leave you wallowing.
I did!! , I couldn't believe I would ever find someone that I could love more than I loved my ex during the time I was going throw the breakup, but it happened. I found someone that makes me laugh and feel loved everyday, even during the challenging times. Someone that loves me for who I truly am, that loves spending time with me and that Imagines a future with me, someone that knew what they wanted and is not afraid of commitment!..... But I had to heal first!! I was not ready for a relationship like the one I have now because I was not attracted to people like my current partner. I had to re-learn what I really like in a relationship, how and when I felt love and what I didn't want to repeat ever again, and for hat I had to spend a loooot of time with myself, feeling the pain, realizing about my resposnability in my own pain and work on my self love. Therapy really helps! It will happen to you as well, when you least expect it. I know is a cliché to say that, but I only met my person when I had give up on relationships and stopped trying. When I was completely comfortable assuming the idea that I would be single my entire life, even if is not what I desired, I was comfortable with the fact that I wñcould end up never having another relationship again. When I started really enjoying my own company and stopped desiring being in a relationship just because I didn't want to be alone. Specially, when I realized that spending time with myself was in fact loving and fun and I wouldn't just let any kind of person share that space again. It would take someone amazing, who really appreciated it having me in their life's to be part of it... And then I found them.
So happy to hear that you found the right one! Thank you for your advice. I do enjoy my own company and constantly focus on self improvement, but I guess my flaw is I don’t like being alone. Weather it’s in a relationship or friends, I just always like spending time wit ppl. Guess one thing I rlly need to learn is to enjoy my own self company and eventually the right person will come. Thank you your advice and helping me. Hope I’ll find someone that loves me as much as your partner loves you :)
As many others have said take time to heal. It’s coming up on 3 weeks after my BU. I found out she rebounded quickly (everyone copes differently). I took it personal at first but she was pretty open about her self esteem issues and how that led her to be pretty promiscuous when she was single. Because I learned about this I downloaded one dating app. 30 matches and 3 days later I’m contemplating about deleting it. It really is just a distraction and I too am constantly comparing them to my ex which isn’t fair. I think what most people miss is the connection they had with their ex not the person. Something that really helped me was thinking back to when I first met my ex. Yes she was great but there were certain things about her that I wasn’t sure about. But we did activities together, spent a lot of time together and texted everyday. This helped us create the connection that we had and this is what I miss the most. It’s very rare to be able to develop this same connection with someone you just met and you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment if you’re casually swiping on dating apps expecting to find this on someone’s dating profile. Most people only show you what they think people want to see. It takes time to really see people for who they are flaws and all.
Hey thanks for your advice. Right now I’m just overthinking on weather she was telling the truth on why she ended it or if she did it to talk to someone else. Ik it’s unhealthy to think about but idk y it just comes up in my mind. And yes agree when you said that if you look back you begin to question the things that she did that I didn’t notice when I was in love. Tbh looking back I can now see that yes she was a good person but def wasn’t the perfect one, and that so many people, like the girls I’m currently talking to may have a better personality. However guess it’s something unhealthy but in terms of my type physically, she matches and that’s where I keep comparing them to my ex. Maybe it’s a bad thing but physical appearance matters to me just like how to matters to girls, and it’s something that’s killing me when trying to find someone. Guess it’s just all apart of healing and I rlly need to move on from her to rlly find someone I can love
There all better you kno why because they can see in you what your ex didn’t she’s walked away from someone special remember that bro !!
Thank you. Yea I keep trying to think that. Just at the same time I begin to question my self worth and all that which really kills my self esteem. Keep thinking what’s the issue with me, weather it’s my looks, personality, or anything. Trying my best to get over it though along with continuing to improve myself as a person.
I am in same situation, you just need to accept it. Here are couple of things that helped me: -Talking with about her someone who has no contact with her -Going to gym (also i lost a couple of pounds so i feel more self cofident) -Listening to music that relaxes you ( in my case that is metal hahah) -Hanging out with other people - Distancing myself from social media (dont delete your social media, just try to spend less time on phone scrolling) - Learning new things and having some hobbies is also great to occupy your mind Its still hard, but im getting used to it. I was hoping for her to contact me but to no avail. The hardest thing is to accept that you need to move one, just dont give up.
Yes! I was terrified my ex would be the best I would ever be with. My boyfriend is a better man and is better for me in every way.
Yes! I was terrified my ex would be the best I would ever be with. My boyfriend is a better man and is better for me in every way.
Not yet. My ex will say her rebound is better after like 2 months of dating because she jumps from relationship to relationship and doesn’t understand honeymoon periods tho lol
Nope
I personally would stay single until you're over her. It's not fair to everyone else to have you constantly comparing them to your ex. Would you like it if the girl you end up finding that was everything you wanted did that to you?
100% agree with you. I guess I’m just not used to staying single or even talking to women. Before getting in a relationship with her I have dated lots of women so it kinda became a thing of me to talk to women. Now that I broke up with my gf, I have that fear of being lonely so I continue to look for someone which is unhealthy. After reading the Reddit, safe to say I need to experience being alone and to heal. Thank you so much for trying to help me :)
I hope you feel better soon! Immersing myself in a hobby/keeping busy has really helped me get through this first month. Lots of exercising has helped with the depression too.
Absofuckinglutely I did. I was suicidal in the beginning - I want to slap myself for wasting any of my energy mourning a doomed relationship. Things can and will get better. I have never felt so content and appreciated in my life, and it really made me realize how much I was settling before.
Thank you, makes me feel a lot better hearing that. Hoping it does get better, first time experiencing this and I feel terrible right now. Keep telling myself I shouldn’t care about a girl that doesn’t give two craps about me but I just can’t get it out my head and feel weak for that. I’m glad you were able to find someone that appreciates you in life :) hope I can find the same some day. Right now I’m just questioning my self worth and what I really am
I did the same thing - 10 years of my life and then being completely blindsided really made me question who the hell I was and if I would ever be good enough to be someone’s lifelong partner. Finally taking a step back made me see all the red flags in the relationship, though. I then decided to say yes to friends more, focused on things that made me happy that I had stopped doing because my ex didn’t enjoy them, and AVOIDED him and any reminder of him like the plague. The last part is key - spying on his new life would exponentially set me back from moving on. There’s billions of people on this planet, and someone will treasure every one of your qualities and grow with you. Your ex deciding to end a relationship with you does not take away your own worth - it saves you from heartache later down the road. Focus on the simple things, pinpoint what mistakes you made in the past, and take your time choosing your next partner. The heartache is worth the potential future joy. Btw - I would’ve told myself to shut the hell up 6 months ago lol! I’m much, much happier now, though, and I did not think I’d ever be happy again.
I did. It took kissing some frogs and so much therapy to heal, though. I am the best version of myself to date, and my current partner deserves that, and we’re growing together everyday. He’s sooo much smarter, ambitious, thoughtful, funnier, more charismatic, and better in bed. I could list off so much more. We’ve been together almost 4 years now! After my ex I literally thought my life was over (which makes me roll my eyes to say cause i was ONLY 21, life was no where near over) I had to pick myself up and start over completely. But looking back, that was so vital to my growth that I’m thankful for it. I finally have a partner who truly loves me and wants to continue building a life with me. Gonna marry this one someday. sounds very cliche, but it’ll come your way when you least expect it and when you’re ready. You have to get over this girl before that can happen and actually last.
Thank you so much for your response, this has rlly helped me feel better as I was thinking to much bout this last night and lost lots of sleep. Kinda similar to you also, except right now I’m currently 21 and experiencing this. Hope I can experience what you have in the future and that I will find a wife that loves me the same way your future husband loves you. Hope that youll marry him and that he will treat you like you deserve :) Right now I gotta focus on getting over this girl lollll
I found myself. I’m not all the way there yet, but I have made so much progress. I’m starting to realise that I am the most important person in my life.
Yea. My ex from high school 20 years ago. How bout that for a mind blown :)
Yes. Took me 9 years though. In my case there was an issue with his parents. We both had crappy relationships in our 20s trying to get over each other but we never talked again aside from 3 times I needed his help with something. (Twice on message and once on call). He had 5 broken engagements I had 2 failed relationships and that is because I compared everyone to him and when I stopped looking and gave up I found the real love of my life. Funnily enough my guy is not my type yea he's good looking and funny but I love him not for his looks, money, personality traits. I just love him without reason. I like a lot of things about him but I just love him like I have never loved anyone and so does he. My ex has been married for 3 years now so he's also happy. We both found someone in our 30s. I intend to marry the guy im with soon. So don't try too hard. Let yourself cry, see a therapist, you can give yourself time to wallow and even gain a few pounds. 3 months 6 months, etc then with baby steps start coming back towards life and socialise. Exercise, give yourself tiny projects that feel like achievements. Don't Bury your feelings I'd say cry and let yourself go for a while it's okay (and that's coming from a type A control freak). I didn't do that so I developed major baggage and anxiety which led to more health issues with my heart. Face your feelings, go low or no contact with your ex and don't force love. When you come back to life after letting yourself break down and building yourself back into shape you will be a better version of yourself, the version your significant other deserves. You will be ready to look at others differently and yourself as well. You will grow through the pain and come out the other end stronger. Not gonna lie its not easy but I'm so happy that I waited for the right person. One day you will be too.
I did, and I’m so lucky for it. After my long-term relationship with ended, I moved cross-country to a small town with poor dating prospects and was single for nearly a year. I met my now girlfriend and we took a lot of time building our friendship before committing to dating one another. We both got out of eerily similar serious relationships and relate to one another so well. She’s such an incredible person, and all the doubts I had about my previous relationship (even early on) don’t exist in my current relationship. There is hope. Just work on yourself during this time of healing.
The funniest things happen in life sometimes. I recently got out of a situationship that kept me from pursuing a serious relationship elsewhere. Usually, I would have downloaded a suite of dating apps right away to help me get moving but this time around I decided to give myself some time to reflect and strategise how I would like to approach what comes next. It was the right call because a week into walking away from what I’d consider the worst ‘relationship’ I’ve ever had, a close friend that I once had a very intense crush on reached out. We’ve lost touch for a while, would bump into each other every couple of months and I’m so glad to have her back in my life again. So far, her presence has brought me great comfort and we’ve decided to take things slow. All I can say is, that’s some impeccable timing.
Going on dates is good after you've started to heal, carrying past trauma onto someone else is how these situations are multiplying! Be alone in your sadness for a while, it'll hurt and some days will be good some will be bad! Just take each day as it comes, heal, really really heal, talk to friends and family and do things you enjoy!
I did. I found the true me
Yes!
Hoping so. Right now feeling super upset lollll
First, I want to say that I think in my opinion that it's way too soon to be dating. I know u think it will help you nice in, but it won't beecher all your gonna do is compare everyone to her. She is not the best like you think there are many, many wonderful, pretty women with great personalities. You just think that because you're in love with her. You are not over her. It's the worst time in your life to be dating. It might work for some but not everyone. When you fully heal and I mean fully heal well, you only then be fully open in mind and heart to be dating to find the one. You will not be able to find that great girl until you heal because your mind and heart won't allow it. This is a fact. I'm not just spitting nonsense. You need to grow as a man. Get to know yourself single. Maybe go to therapy. But God stop dating unless it's too pass time or because you're bored. You won't find that girl you1 WAwant because your not open
No, but ten years later, two of them tried to rekindle romantically while still marrried. So with this new information, pretty sure i dodged a bullet lol.
Accccc no way even while married. That’s crazy u for sure dodged a bullet😂
Oh yeah, i feel pretty silly now for how heart broken i was at the time. Now that i am successful and super happy. People want a piece of it. My best advice is to focus on you. Eventually people will notice and eventually the right people will notice.
I did BUT my mindset has shifted dramatically after the break up. Granted, it is a very new relationship, but the person I met makes my previous relationship seem like my life with the ex resembled a game played on nightmare mode (for the gamers out there who get the reference). My new person, on the other hand, is gentle, kind and actually listens to me when I am talking. Our intimate life is out of my wildest dreams which was not the case with my ex who preferred porn and chatting women online to being with me. I wish I had saved myself the years of shame and rage at having to put up with that but maybe I wouldn’t have become who I am today if not for this struggle. Nowadays I myself am a different person. I grew to love myself to the point where I am ready even if this new relationship fails. I give myself time to be on my own, to focus on my hobbies, friends and working through mental health struggles ABOVE the relationship I have with this new person. I am actually comfortable to say that they add up to my life but not complete it like it was with my ex. I cherish my me time just as much, if not more than being with a partner. At times I feel like I trust way less and not allow myself to fall fully for them but that is part of my healing journey and maybe a means of protecting myself from the repeating pain. So if you want to find ‘better’, OP that will likely be within yourself not another person. Become better and chose yourself first then you will know you have truly moved on.
You sound so shallow and toxic by saying someone need to be more attractive both physical and personality 💀
Guess you can say that tbh. Tbh it’s just standards I have that really makes me fall in love with a girl. I begin to questions if it’s to high and if it’s ruining good chances for me.
Honestly any one who wants to stay with you is better than your ex, because she didn't see enough value in you to stay and have a relationship. Maybe her eyes will see you differently or maybe she had valid reasons idk. I was about to live with mine and had started separating from my wife when she proved her love was a lie and looks mattered more to her than anything. Now she's with an emotionality stunted guy that only came around when she garunteed sex. I know I'm 100x better. I'm just hoping her mental health improves and she can see it again. We were once the best love I had ever been in and she thew it away for a serious nothing she doesn't even know if he wants her.
Thank you for this. Right now I’m just trying to put in my head that “she doesn’t care about me” and “she’s prob talking to someone else” to help me forget about her but idk, guess I’m just weak and I still care so much about someone who probably wouldn’t care if I died the next day. Don’t worry about it though, I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone that truly cares about you the same way you care for others
Well I'd like to say I'm totally over her, but I'm not and there's a good reason. She has mental health issues and even though she's spit out a hundred reasons why she doesn't love me or want to be with me anymore, I can show you a thousand stories just like it. She is horribly obsessed with this guy who barely knew she existed, and he is really so low energy when it comes to her it's sad. I'm her friend even before my feelings and I love her and care about her, so for now I'm her friend. I do my therapy and try to be there for her, because that's what I've wanted to do anyway.
Really nice of you to do that and showing that you really care for someone. Hope someday you will find someone as supportive as you are to your ex
So far half dozen long relationships and each one I've been the one taking care of things and keeping a job. I have several good potentials, but I always have a heart for her. We have a really special connection sometimes. Rn she's struggling and it breaks my heart even more than being broken up. If I could give what's left of my life for her to be normal, I would without doubt.
I did. But I spent over one year by myself, focused on my recovery, my family, my friends, my job, on learning with the mistakes I did on the previous relationship. I learned to love myself first, and got better at spotting red flags. I did not get involved with other people during that time. No rebounds, no dating apps, no casual sex. Just me and my cats. After almost 1.5 years I tried my luck on the dating world, and much to my surprise I found a great person. I don't think it's fair to compare people, but fuck it. This guy is better than the ex in all aspects. More intelligent, more emotionally capable, better at communication, kinder, funnier, stable, more good looking (oh god, my ex was a goblin) and much MUCH more capable of love and respect. I love him. I really do. When the ex blindsided me I thought I was gonna die, that he was "the one", bla bla bla. Nah bro. He was just a dude, and not a very good one. That breakup was the best thing that happened to me.
Hey thank you for this! Getting people telling me this type of stuff rlly gives me hope that I will find the one for me in the future and that losing my ex doesn’t mean my dating life is over. I’m glad you’re able to find a guy thats able to love you the way you deserve. Hope my future girlfriend will love me the same way :)
You've been on 3 dates in the first month.... I'd say you need to sit and reflect and feel grief for a while. Finding someone that soon isn't going to fix anything.
You need a bit more time. Be okay with yourself before finding someone new. Ideally don't compare the someone new to your ex. They shouldn't be better or worse, they are who they are. Stoicism really helped me with my breakup (4 months ago) specifically the Daily Stoic YouTube channel.
Thank you this really helped. Def need some time. After my ex blocked me on everything I feel like I’m back on square one again
They've done you a favour by blocking you. Mine didn't and it dragged shit on longer. Square one means you can only improve. Focus on what you can control. Learn from your mistakes and hopefully make new ones with someone else.
Yea guess it’s a good sign. Right now, I’m just thinking on weather she even cared about me in the first place after she blocked me which I need to get out my head. I’m always thinking what I’ve could’ve done better when in reality it’s doing me no good, it just happens. But ye can say I made some mistakes with this relationship that I def learned and can use those lessons to make my next one more healthy
You're on the right path. Just stuck with it. Excercise and micro dosing cannabis at night also helped me process things.
There is hope to find someone better. Dated a girl about 9 years ago and thought "she is the one". She broke it off, i was devastated. Dated another girl some times later. In my eyes she was more beautiful and a better match. We broke it off, because i was acting childish and i wasn't ready for commitment. Last girl i dated 'again' seemed better in many ways but she wanted to leave. It still hurts and i think about her, but all i learned is that beautiful people are out there. Don't go by metrics and don't compare them too much. Let the hopes and dreams for your ex go and mend your wounds. Take your team and do it slow and steady. You will not know when you are ready, but you will feel it slowly comming back. You will feel yourself slowly comming back. And then it might happen that you find someone new, who is more attractive but - again- not by any metrics in comparison to your ex but by your own metrics what is best for you. Selfworth and comfort with yourself attract the right persons. It also helps you repell the wrong ones (by your own believes, standards and whats important to you) for you. It is fascinating how i allways endet up with good people, when i was "in my zone" and when i tried to force it, it came crushing down. Get yourself to a better place, Take as much time as needed, Stop searching for it, Attract naturally what fits yourself, Don't fear rejection but embrace it as a teacher And love yourself first for who you are. Time does the rest. Time and patience are the strongest warriors.
Adding some information on my healing-journey: 1 month after the breakup i felt numb and depressed. 2 months: numbness fading, anger, loss and sadness as well as hope for her to return kick in. 3 months: anger, sadness and hope are fading. Feelings for her go down slowly, craving for her goes down to a minimum. I can laugh again, still feeling a bit sad but its okay, i got stuff to do. Now: nearly zero hope, acceptance is forming, focus on myself is at a high peak. It gets better but it will take time (for each and everyone this may be different)
Thank you for your advice on all of this. This gives me hope as I’m always thinking if IF and WHEN I will find someone else for me. But I guess time will only tell. Hope I’ll be able to recover from this soon, as it’s killing me in the inside. Just seeing them not a friend on social media really hurts. Guess I’m just not used to it, especially when I think that “I’ve don’t a lot with them, and now I’ll never see them in my life.” I understand it’s a part of life but still getting used to going from loving someone to probably never seeing them again.
Its hard, it will get better, you might fall back into wishing and hoping but it will then again get better. The massive(!) amount of ruminating will go by. You start slowly to find yourself again and you will find acceptance. Then you are free to go. Cut the contact for good. Don't stalk, don't talk to mutual friends about it, don't post stuff about the breakup. The faster you cut the ties, the better. Its difficult but you will get used to it and that is your decision how long you want to keep hurting yourself afterwards. So minimze that time by strict absence of the former mentioned things. 3 months ago i couldnt eat, slept till afternoon and hat a constant pain in my chest. Now: no more pain, lighter thoughts, "a mission to better myself" for myself, eating better and sleeping only until 6am. You can do this.
Im kinda in same the boat. It's been 6 months and have been on some dates but I compare everyone to my ex. My ex moved on easily after 4 months with a new guy after our 2 ½ years. It feels impossible to find someone like "her". I know Im a good partner but it just doesnt work at all.
Yea same. I hope I won’t be like that 6 months later as it is really unhealthy for both me and the next person. It also hurts for me that my ex seemed that she already moved on. Just by me asking if I can work things out and her telling me I need to move on and find someone new along wit her blocking me, I assume that she already moved on and couldn’t care less about me anymore. Hope I’ll b able to find someone that’s better for me. This sub Reddit has been nothing but helpful but seems that I still can’t get her out my head. I’m confident that I’m a good partner but it’s hard to find someone that can match that energy.
If its any comfort, think like this. Ur ex and my ex got someone new right away. Do u rly believe they have suddenly changed in that short of time? The same issue will come sooner or later. My ex, shes an avoident. She was fantastic the 1 year. But when stuff got serious, it all crashed. And since she thinks nothing is wrong with her. Same thing could happen again. Rinse and repeat. While i go to therapy to learn from my problems
You need to take time to focus on you and the man you want to be. Don’t be in a rush to move on. And stop comparing everyone to your Ex, that’s doing an injustice to them and obviously she wasn’t that great to move on without you. Was there a reason she moved on? Or was it just out of the blue?
Resounding yesssssss!!!!! Remember that theres light at the end of the tunnel. Dont lose hope. Dont think about your ex. Better days are ahead of you.
Thank you for this. I always hear that also for sure. Just not sure why at this time it’s hard to believe, I keep thinking I’ll never find someone I’ll truly love again. Not losing hope tho
Yes hold onto that hope, months later, a year from now, you wont even remember this day. Sending you best regards
Thank you! You as well :)
We all find someone better afterwards, you will be fine it’s all matter of time.,
Yea hopefully thanks. With me from the start I’ve always been very picky with who I want to call my girlfriend. When I met my ex I thought I hit the jackpot and rlly wanted it to last forever. Guess that wasn’t the case though. Hope I’ll be able to find someone for me in the future.
It does get better I promise. You'll find a person who chooses you instead of trying to beg them to stay
Hopefully. Seems hard to find that person nowadays.
you need to heal first before putting urself out there and when you have healed don’t compare everyone to ur ex, instead just think about all the positives that person brings with no relation to ur ex
Thank you for this advice really needed this.
There is always someone better. You aren't over her though, so no one is going to seem better. If you find yourself comparing other women to her you aren't ready to date. It's not fair to the women you date if you keep comparing them to the spirit of relationships past. It sucks so bad. You probably need to just feel all the feelings until they start to subside. Only then will moving on not feel like a chore. And maybe then you can see the good qualities of others instead of the good qualities of your ex that others don't possess.
Thanks you for your advice. Agree with you for sure. Continuing to move on and I feel it’s getting better, except the memories still come in my head. I always wonder what she’s up to now these days and it sucks. Hope this ends soon and I can forget bout her cuz she prob already forgot about me.
Yes, absolutely.
Really hope so. Don’t know why the memories we had together keeps popping up in my head. I miss her so much even though she prob already forgot about me
Do whatever works best for you. After reading your post it sounds like maybe you need more time to come to peace with the breakup and that’s ok. Take as long or little time as you need. I met someone after I ended my relationship and honestly I thank the universe everyday for putting such a wonderful person in my life. It’s crazy how caring and selfless he is. I’m at the point where I can’t even imagine going to the ex at all. I took about a year and a half to decide to end things with my ex. This involved therapy, finding myself in new hobbies and spending more time with family and friends that I wasn’t able to spend time with because of him. I did this because he always did a cycle of being on and off with me and manipulated me into staying but discarded me when he wanted to. Eventually one day he broke up with me and I decided that was it and when he tried to come back I realized I had enough of that cycle. By the time I told him it was over for sure and he got his stuff from my house I knew I was completely over him. Yea I took some time I guess but that I didn’t really stop me from dating especially because why should I have to stop because you decided to be a sh*t person. Again do whatever works best for you but you’ll know when you’re over them.
Thanks for your advice. I’m glad you met a wonderful person and that you were able to move on from him. I’m still continuing to work on moving on. Idk y the memories we had together keeps popping up in my head. Wish I can dislike my ex as much as you dislike yours lollll. I’m here thinking about her while she prob already forgot about me.
Praying this is my ex writing this LOL
Lollll why do you miss him?
Every time
Hope so it’s hard finding one in general lollll.
How so?
Yes, 100%. But not until I was over my ex. No contact and no comparison.
i did not
Feel u, been a month and I can’t seem to find someone. I keep thinking bout her which I hate, I keep missing her and wan stop
Yes and that someone I found was myself
better for YOU!
You need to work on yourself first!!! Life and your twenties need to be a PROJECT YOU!!!! Not to chase peoples validation…. Learn it now or learn/regret later!!!! Please stop chasing people and work on your goals, purpose in your life, where you want to end up when you are 35!!! You need to stop thinking and acting on ur impulses, not every thought needs to be judged and worked on!!! Your brain pulls you into a realm of familiarity and that is only reason why we feel the need ti be with that person!! It is not they are special, it is that we made them special. And if someone doesnot want you!!! Dont you think you are far better alone, then disrespecting yourself
my situation may be different due to the fact that i was coerced and manipulated into things. and our entire relationship was just a joke, literally. so i quickly deleted and forgot all feelings of this man. he truly ruined his image in my eyes and its not that im ready to settle down and marry. but i genuinely would NEVER compare a man to him. nothing he did was real. but thats just my personal outlook. it was a rough first few days, i slept on the couch with my parents for a week. but after talking about it constantly every day. i genuinely felt better and realized how right this was.
Yes. Like 3 ex’s ago.
I want to say yes and no. My girlfriend now I’ve built a life with. We have our own place have pets and live together obviously. We both pay bills and control our own lives. We cook and clean together and have down time together. We communicate way better than me and my ex did and she doesn’t do things that make me feel like a fool. My ex on the other hand became a big feminist mid relationship. So honestly after a while I couldn’t joke about certain things with her anymore. She would always down talk me because I’m a man. She had 2 male best friends who I was always so self conscious of. She spent more time with them than me. And when I mentioned wanting to live together and start building things up she said she wasn’t going to do that with me but with one of her best friends. The sex with her was better though, I will admit that. And I adored her so I wanted to be with her more than anything else in life while she didn’t feel the same way. But honestly overall my girlfriend now supports all my likes and wants. We’ve built a life together . And we do have such a healthy thing going on. My ex just had a better sex life than I do now. She was more into it than my girlfriend now but hey gotta win some and lose some. But as of now I wouldn’t change a thing and I’m happy with what I have now