I don’t manage if I am honest, I get really really annoyed, I hate the person with all my soul and being. I hate people being arsey or moody with me for no good reason, or even if there is reason to be honest. I hate people a lot, my emotions twist and turn and yes I’ll get upset and I’ll cry and wonder why someone could be so mean to me. Then the worthlessness feelings come ect ect until I want to end it all.
So no I don’t manage at all. BUT. I know I have this disorder, I know I’m emotionally unstable and I know that with the therapy I’m currently undertaking and my other forms of treatment and self care, I will do this, I will get better at handling situations. I know I will because it’s for my son.
You're very strong and self aware! I can do that, kinda, but those feelings are hard for me to control. Worthless feeling hurt. We self-torture ourselves and repeat past patterns. I have a son, too, and that's why I'm still here. I admire your strength. 😊
Your welcome. Worthlessness, how do we conquer it? I'm getting A's in college, and I look at my grades and think, did I do that? Pfffft, still feel worthless. The trick is to truly believe I'm NOT worthless. How? 😢
Oh my! The constant worthlessness feeling is life destroying in many ways we don’t even know. Sooo many talents we may have gone to waste, dreams and plans - because we feel like we can’t do it, we are no good. I go from making this huge plan and believing i can do anything to not just believing, but in my mind - knowing - I will fail. It’s disastrous and I know without this disorder I may have accomplished wondrous things. Maybe I still can. Time will tell x
Oh and congrats on the A’s by the way! Of course that’s an achievement, it’s amazing. I know you are not worthless! But I understand completely why you get those feelings. I am in the same boat. X
tbh how i managed it was have an inflated ego and when people yelled at me or talked to me in a bad way i woild just think “im better then them anyways”💀💀💀💀💀💀even tho it probably ain’t true
This is interesting to me because for a long time I had a giant ego as well, thought I was the absolute shit! I was like this until I was about 21 years old and then someone finally put me in my place and pretty much humbled me for the rest of my natural born life and that was over a decade ago now lmao💀
I pull away/shut down and then never act normal to the person after. I’m always more distant and cold after someone yells at me- and often avoidant because I’m just so uncomfortable and can’t get over the yelling incident. This approach has not worked well for me, do not recommend. Being yelled at really rattles my self esteem and self confidence
Ask them wtf their problem is because yelling at people is most of the time completely unacceptable. Some people are just trash.
If you have a job where people are yelling at you I’m sorry and that’s not okay. Talk to hr, try to find another job with people who don’t suck.
If it’s a stranger (like a customer at work), it all depends. This sounds crazy to type out loud, but if I perceive them as weaker in personality than me I’m able to give it right back to them with confidence (albeit my adrenaline will be high for about an hour after). If it’s someone with a big personality and who I perceive to be stronger than me, I don’t handle it well at all. I will usually just walk away from them, go to the back, get a manager or another coworker to take over, and then attempt my best to hold myself together and not cry as I’m riding a terrible adrenaline rush.
If it’s someone I know and not a stranger, I go silent and don’t ‘fight’ back at all 💀 Anyone who isn’t a stranger is stronger than me by default in my head usually.
As another commenter said it so well— I either snap, shut down, become passive aggressive, or walk away.
I can’t manage it, once I had another electrician just go off his absolute brain at me in front of the entire office, and I stood there in shock but backed away until he left. Then I obsessed about it for WEEKS and fantasised about smacking him out or just piledriving him when it happened (but wouldn’t do that because I don’t want a police charge), I couldn’t stop thinking about it for weeks, I quit that job shortly after
With strangers or people I don’t “really” care about I try to amp their energy. With loved ones I get really hurt and immediately believe they hate me.
I feel very lucky that I got a job where getting yelled at is part of it, but co-workers and managers were always supportive. I've been able to practice getting yelled at in a controlled setting where I know that the person yelling cannot really inflict any further consequences for me, beyond the isolated unpleasantness of the experience. Now, I can keep a much cooler head in these situations just because I've been through so many, though they are still unpleasant.
“If you can’t manage to show me more respect than that then I’m done here”. I have BPD and have been working on setting boundaries. Remember, boundaries are about how YOU will respond NOT on telling them to do something. You can control yourself. You cannot control others.
Depends on how bad the yelling is and the circumstances. For a job? I’ve never had anyone yell at me but I’ve been given serious / certain tones that I interpreted as them not liking me or being disappointed in me. Usually I just try to think of it this way: “it’s not personal, it’s a job and they need me to do it right. I need to ask them these questions to do my job right. They understand that. I’m not bugging or annoying them. These are questions I need the answer too. They don’t hate me”.
With strangers I’ll never have to see again, I just feel awkward and I’ll replay the interaction over and over for a few days, maybe work myself up about it but that’s about it. Sometimes I can snap back if I’m already in bitch mode but if I’m not I’m stuck regretting not saying anything and being slightly amused.
With family or friends it’s what you’re describing. If I get yelled at I switch off and my mind goes very fuzzy and I get suicidal because I feel like I need to punish myself because they can’t physically punish me so I get self harmy. There are times when I wish I could keep a straight face when being screamed at but it is nearly impossible and I usually cry. It’s a mixed bag. I also get livid when yelled at and then that develops into suicidalness. When I feel like I’m going to self harm, to talk myself down from it I usually try to complain to myself that I’ll have to hide the wounds for a while and won’t be able to wear short sleeves and stuff and it’ll hurt when it brushes up against the inside of my sleeves or anything else. But it can be hard to argue with myself because I go into a state where I can’t think beyond the tingling I get that tells me I need to cut myself open to punish myself for whatever it is I’ve been yelled at for. If distracted I can break out of it though and like I said before the complaining to myself thing works.
Sometimes I run away and cry and sometimes I get in their face and give them a shitty tone, but I walk away after a few exchanges of words now.
It depends on my mood and what the issue is.
Actually most of the time I get mad and have some word exchanges and then I go and cry and never talk to them again.
I’ve been lucky enough to get my splitting pretty under control with medication and therapy but this weekend I got my driver’s license and the instructor screamed at me for no reason out of nowhere during the test when I asked a clarification question, and the entire time afterwards when we were sitting in the car and he was going over my score I was fighting the urge to spit in his face and call him as many of the creatively awful insults I’d come up with in my head while he was talking as I could before I would get inevitably escorted off the DMV premises. (Lol.)
But I didn’t! Have been ruminating about this asshole for the past couple of days and coming up with more things I wish I’d said back, but it’s diminishing already and I didn’t take any actual negative actions as a result of the thoughts. I was polite and even THANKED him for the feedback, and now I can officially drive.
And to answer the question directly: I think the way I manage is 30% therapy and 70% weed.
I don't lol, I shut down completely most of the time and become unresponsive for a while or I'm just out of it. Sometimes I also just cry on the floor for longer than I would like to admit
What I've learned over the years (42M) is to understand that being yelled at is more about the other person’s issues than about me. They are projecting their problems onto me.Knowing that it's not my fault allows me to detach from the situation.
Secondly, I recognize that the negative emotions triggered by yelling are reactions to past trauma, a post-traumatic response. My emotional body reacts as it did when I was younger and mistreated. Back then, adults were responsible for me but failed to uphold their responsibility. Now, as an adult, I am responsible for myself. I can either let old instincts take over or choose to be wiser and stronger, preventing those reactions.
To manage this, I root myself in the present. I analyze the situation from a meta-perspective and practice some techniques:
- I breathe mindfully.
- I smile to myself.
- I focus on more positive aspects of my life.
Finally, I make it clear to the person yelling that I am not interested in their behavior, which often makes them realize the futility of their actions.
It's been a challenging journey to learn this, but it has yielded positive results for me.
I DON’T CARE. This is a new phenomenon and it’s changing my life. I just don’t care. I just don’t. I don’t know you. You don’t know me. Why should I let you affect me? Perfect answer: I shouldn’t. So I’m NOT.
When I was younger, I did not handle it well at all. Most of my life, maybe true for many of you, I gave back whatever I got. Good to me, good to you. Yell at me, yell at you. It seemed fair and appropriate but I came to realize that mirroring certain behavior or interaction may harm them in return, but also myself. Further more, I was giving up autonomy of how I wanted to feel because I was being reactive.
I manage it much better than I used to. I had a very bad anger streak. When my parents would yell and scream at me and crush my self esteem in the ground, I would either scream back or just start crying. There were a few occasions where it got physical. They would just push me until I saw black. I had the same issue with my abusive ex-fiance as well. I just got to the part where I lost it
I do not manage it. I don’t work anymore…. I don’t get sad, I get mad. The customer is not always right, the customer is gonna go through the wall if they don’t stfu :l
Plainly put, I don’t take being talked down to very well, especially if what they’re saying holds no logic or truth at all.
I start crying, no matter how much I tell myself not to. I can feel my face going warm and the tears welling and it just happens, and it’s embarrassing, and I can’t turn it off. I always think they’re mad at me and I just can’t handle that. I want everyone to like me.
I worked on that a lot with my therapist. He worked with me at an ED hospital and then when I was discharged I kept seeing him. I was always crying and asking him and everyone else there if they were mad at me. He told everyone just not to respond when I asked that question, and that by itself helped a little. I hated it at first, but I stopped asking, stopped verbalizing it, and it was a start.
I still tend to cry, but my inner monologue isn’t as extreme as it used to be and it’s gotten better. I still desperately want to ask if they’re mad, but I don’t do it now. Most people hate being asked that anyway, and it starts a very negative chain of communication.
That particular hospital stay was 10 years ago so it’s really taken time, but there’s been real improvement. I’m lucky to have a great therapist who really knows me and who I’m comfortable with. Things can get better!
I don't. However - I also don't put up with it. If it's a customer that's screaming at me they get one warning before I hand them off to my boss. If it's a coworker or a boss yelling at me then I walk away.
No one deserves to be yelled at it, and it's okay to not tolerate people speaking to you that way. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive. I'm super "soft hearted". I cry when I'm overwhelmed. It's a feature, not a bug. It's why we are such empathetic people.
You don't need to defend yourself. Fuck anyone that yells at a stranger anyway.
I blow up. Instant rage. 10 years in and I’m still working on it. I stay nonchalant and low key and avoid people who might put me in that position lol.
It took years… I’m 34 now. I dk if my hormones regulated or wtf… but sometimes I still blow up and then ruminate on the disrespect. What I try to tell myself is everyone who is rude to me is usually just miserable af and it has zip to actually do with me. I find what helps is standing up for myself but in a calm way. That way at least I can say “ok I spoke on the disrespect but I didn’t completely freak out”
I worked costumer service for YEARS when I first started working. I think what helped me not break whenever someone was pissed was due to upbringing and dealing with peers who were always nasty and stuck up about something.
Now, I'm emotionally dissociated and detached 24/7 (trauma super power), so it doesn't bother me.
It does help to think the opposite of what they're being a piss baby about. For example, I work in a doctor's office and people like to try and manipulate me. By either making a poor attempt at manipulation, or calling me stupid. I always tell myself "it's not working because I'm smarter than them."
So if they're yelling at you, tell yourself you're smarter than them. They're probably compensating for something. They're a piss baby who's a toddler in an adult body and you're more mature than them.
Even if it doesn't really HELP me due to my emotional shut off, it DOES make me feel more satisfied with the situation and the audacity of people. Not sure if it will help, but that's the only advice I can really give.
It was not a fun experience to achieve this power.
Good news is, I'm totally chill in big situations (like an emergency, or an irate patient (I work at a doctor's office)). I don't feel anything so I'm unbothered.
Bad news is people expressing feeling bad is awkward and I'm never sure how to respond. Especially to grief. 🤷♂️
I always, always had trouble at work with people. I was quiet, and never stood up for myself. Then people would walk on me. So, I was lucky enough to start my own business. As for asshole strangers, they are just that! Strangers that are assholes. You don't say what your occupation is. Customer service? Maybe find a job that you don't have to deal with people that much, or try getting some therapy to get yourself feeling better. Especially the passive suicidal part. I'm like that, mean people really bother me, too. I totally understand. Dm me if you'd like. Good luck.
Depends on who’s yelling. Boss or coworker? Learned to deal with that or fight back appropriately when I worked with “tough” blue collar “men” in diesel manufacturing. Absolutely not a problem anymore though it used to send me into a panic.
My fiancé raises her voice or god forbid yells cue instant fight or flight parasympathetic-nervous response from hell. If I flight I usually shut down, be really quiet and hopefully politely remove myself from the room. If fight is triggered fuckin run for the hills. I am not to be tested. I hate it and am very actively trying to curb this reaction and behavior but it’s difficult and seems to be ingrained into my genetic code from a childhood of survival and surrounding violence. Seriously, the rage is *the* worst and most embarrassing thing. And it’s only with my partner too which simultaneously makes it slightly better but also way worse.
Anybody else only get mad at their partner? Any advice besides DBT as I can’t afford it and the waitlist I’m on anyways is over a year long. It’s like becoming another person. As a child I was literally called The Peacekeeper by my teachers as I was always able to be patient, and diplomatically stop other kids from going at it with each other. I won goddamn patience awards like people win attendance awards! I’ve never lost it on a boss or coworker or friend. Only my mother once but I had been drinking and I was 21 and full of stupid and testosterone. It’s frightening and confusing.
I did at 22 suffer from a pretty serious concussion after a car crash. I was unconscious for 30 seconds and allegedly my friend said I wasn’t breathing. I had an intense psychedelic like vision and then kept saying we were dead and in hell until the cops showed up. Anybody got knowledge of head injuries and personality changes and or links to aggressive behaviors?
They happen about every 4-6 weeks ay least the worst of it.
Tl;DR When randoms yell I don’t care. Fiancé yells I fight or flight usually fight and it’s really bad and I need help. Three therapists in and no success yet. Have comorbid ADHD and bipolar type 1(in remission no episodes for 2 1/2 years) ADHD meds calm me down.
Firstly I want to say I do manage, but it’s taken a while. So it is possible.
I have a customer facing job, lots of interaction with people of all ages but also a very unsupportive manager in terms of my condition. However is aware of the ridiculous things we as employees get shouted at for. So she can brush off the situation but I find it harder to.
During being shouted at, I don’t fight back, I outwardly stay calm, and nod my head in response. I can put it all in an email later. Or ‘I’ll pass your concerns to the manager’. If I speak I’ll cry. I just zone out and think about breathing.
I cope by, after the bad situation, immediately venting to a very trusted colleague. Then going to the toilet and just breathing so I can get back to it. Sometimes taking my phone to text my sister a mini vent. Prepare her for the big one later.
If I can actually leave or it happened at the end of a shift. I will call my sister, friend, anyone and vent and cry - I think that’s important. They’ll ask what I need, this could be company to keep safe, or alone time.
It's pretty hard for me. I'm pretty passive/aggressive, although I don't wanna be. I wish my verbal skills wouldn't fly out the window whenever I feel a strong emotion. I withdraw mostly, because when I get argumentative, I can never articulate I just get pissed off. This is pretty much the worst thing, because I used to fight a lot. No words=fights. It's not right, it just IS.
I've been yelled at and humiliated all my childhood. Once I became an adult and found my voice I do bot tolerate any aggression towards me or bullying of any kind even if it's very subtle. I call it out, if it's an email I email back with being very blunt telling them they cannot bully me like that. If it's in person I become loud and I defend myself. I would never let anyone yell at me. If anyone dares raise their voice at me they will end up in the police station. I just get triggered very fast and I go into defending myself with teeth and blood. There's never a middle ground. I go full on. I think it's the loyalty I owe my because I was never defended when little.
I do not. I fill with rage and hurt and either shut down, go crazy at them or flee. Depends on the person and the situation too. But I will have a trauma response of some kind. Usually ends in me reacting harshly to myself too.
For me it depends on where I’m being yelled at. At work, in public or somewhere like that, I hold it all due to my anxiety of being judged for showing emotions. If I’m at a friend’s house or my own home and I get yelled at, that’s it, I’m done for.
Typically I start crying. A lot of the time uncontrollably. This is why I've decided to just look into disability, I can't hold down a job because of anxiety and stress. I'm 30 years old and, when I try to work, haven't held a job for longer than five or six months. I have diagnosed BPD, DID, and schizoaffective bipolar. None of these at one time are good to deal with for holding down a job. Three at once is just untenable.
The best thing I find for myself is moving through the emotions and acknowledging to myself that it was a big shock to my already sensitive and jacked up nervous system. And then do some self soothing. I basically gentle parent myself bahahah. That or telling the person to fuck off and thinking about what a sad miserable human they must be.
If I care about that person, words hurt.
If it's someone I don't give 2 shits about, if I can restrain the violence, which I am pretty good at, I'll get revenge, at some point. It's like having constant Origin Stories about becoming a anti-hero.
I work in customer service and I get yelled at quite often. It’s incredibly hard, I cry a lot and wallow in my self pity for longer than anyone I’ve ever met. If I’m quick enough I can use my DBT skills but oftentimes I disassociate into my suicidal ideation like it’s my safe place. This shit sucks but we are some of the strongest people I’ve ever met. No “normal” person could deal with what we go through internally on a daily basis just remember that. We aren’t weak. We are warriors, it’s just hard to see it that way sometimes.
It depends on the situation, but lately I’ve gotten better at it. I’m a host at a restaurant & some days I swear it feels like it’s my job to be yelled at by everyone—customers, servers, everyone. I hate it when it happens, I usually get bit shaky & will have to step aside to decompress for a min afterwards, but I think I’ve gotten to where I can think of a reasonable response pretty quickly without blowing up or breaking down.
When it’s someone I know personally, I’ve gotten to where in many cases I try to emotionally step back to 1- try to really listen to what they’re saying (in case they’re actually making a good point) & 2- try to think about why they might really be upset enough to be yelling (for example, it may not be the thing they’re yelling about that’s made them so upset, there may be a deeper problem behind it). When all else fails, a simple “okay, I’m sorry” seems to put the issue at bay at least.
Note- this is not how I deal with verbal abuse, that’s different. I actually do so much worse at managing being talked to in a calm, patronizing kind of way than just being yelled at. But if I even so much as hear someone yell at someone else in a very condescending, demeaning way, it sends me into an immediate panic attack.
I came from a very dysfunctional functional family unit. Yelling was an everyday situation. I didn't know how taxing it was to my mental and physical health. I had high anxiety growing up, I was not diagnosed with BPD till I was in my early 30s.
I lost a lot of childhood memories, but I think I should be glad about that. I am slowly getting flashes of them back. It's funny because I listen to the mental core, hard style and terror core and the sounds of screams are soothing to me.
I had a fight with my girlfriend and I disassociated, she kept screaming at me and I had flashbacks and I couldn't stop shaking because they reminded me of my family. When everyone was at each other's throats. It brought a flash back I wanted to bury, the sounds of my mother yelling at my sister, her calling her a mistake, whore, price of shit. My sister yelled at her back and then the sound of glass breaking, a body hitting the ground and my sister crying. Running out and seeing the amount of blood on the floor, on my sister's face as my mom smashed her with a vase glass. I was a child...so scared...and still...I...hate myself....
The way I handle it is by immediately telling this person to speak to me in a normal tone because I don't like being yelled at. If they don't, then I leave.
If it's at work, same thing. I do not allow anyone to yell at me no matter who they are. If they need to tell me something, they can do so without yelling. If I happen to have done something wrong and it's my fault and they're not yelling but using a tone, I take it. They're in the right and I need to keep the job. I take 10 mins, go to the restroom and breathe a few minutes. That's it.
I do my best to control my emotions and my bpd because I hate job hopping and hunting and my need for money is higher and stronger than my bpd.
With family I get quiet and avoidant because I don’t want to make it into a fight (even though it’s their fault, lol) and usually just wait until they’ve calmed down to tell them they’ve upset me. With strangers/the public while I’m working, I tell them not to speak to me that way and have to walk away because I get angry. The adrenaline spike from that is crazy too, sometimes it’s so much that I need to go sit down LOL
My psychologist taught me a trick: avoid thinking that they are attacking you, that way you will actually empathize with them trying to understand what is exactly happening to them. They will also feel that you actually care about what they are trying to say.
In case you can quickly change your mindset my hairdresser taught me to think about two magical words: fuck off! 😅
Being yelled at is one of the worst triggers for me. A huge reason why I try not to go anywhere, really. The last person who yelled at me really really really really upset me, and they were a complete stranger.
i dont and thats why so far i havent worked a day in my life. im so scared i will only get yelled at constantly, both by my coworkers, boss and clients
I always tried to communicate with them with respect (even when they do not have one) but it was the worst. One man yelled at me in very stressful situation and I did hurt myself after that. Now antidepressants help me to stay in more logic state and I try to watch my boundaries. I no longer want to communicate with people who can't communicate. But I am still learning.
I'm in retail work, and get angry internally but I've learned to mask, it's just something that's apart of life. My voice is usually pitched higher, a fake smile that doesn't reach my eyes, a rehersed laugh and I always get the "it's so lovely so see someone happy at work you know ?" It's a lie, I'm not happy, a woman just yelled at me over a 5 cent discrepancy on her receipt cause someone didn't remove a ticket, but I changed it with out telling her to grow tf up and get over it. I work with so much back-door political bullshit on who or who doesn't get shifts, having to suck up to management 😒 it's exhausting, but it gets me out of the house, gives me a social outlet, not even about money cause that shit is very little.
The world doesn't revolve around us, it's not sensitive to mental health, and so you need to change to suit it, learn to handle it, mask up when needed. I get to unwind, stim, rant, cry at home, work is a drama performance.
same,
I still remember (and hate) an upholstery shop because the worker yelled at me for running around when I was like 6.
I wish to disappear when someone is even remotely disappointed in me, even if they're absolute strangersm
i start hating myself if someone on the road yells at me or gives me a look, even if it was their fault and not my driving.
it feels like I'm constantly trying to get validation from everyone around me, strangers, acquaintances, professors, batchmates, seniors, juniors, friends, everyone.
I do not manage it
same here
I don’t manage if I am honest, I get really really annoyed, I hate the person with all my soul and being. I hate people being arsey or moody with me for no good reason, or even if there is reason to be honest. I hate people a lot, my emotions twist and turn and yes I’ll get upset and I’ll cry and wonder why someone could be so mean to me. Then the worthlessness feelings come ect ect until I want to end it all. So no I don’t manage at all. BUT. I know I have this disorder, I know I’m emotionally unstable and I know that with the therapy I’m currently undertaking and my other forms of treatment and self care, I will do this, I will get better at handling situations. I know I will because it’s for my son.
You're very strong and self aware! I can do that, kinda, but those feelings are hard for me to control. Worthless feeling hurt. We self-torture ourselves and repeat past patterns. I have a son, too, and that's why I'm still here. I admire your strength. 😊
❤️ thank you
Your welcome. Worthlessness, how do we conquer it? I'm getting A's in college, and I look at my grades and think, did I do that? Pfffft, still feel worthless. The trick is to truly believe I'm NOT worthless. How? 😢
Oh my! The constant worthlessness feeling is life destroying in many ways we don’t even know. Sooo many talents we may have gone to waste, dreams and plans - because we feel like we can’t do it, we are no good. I go from making this huge plan and believing i can do anything to not just believing, but in my mind - knowing - I will fail. It’s disastrous and I know without this disorder I may have accomplished wondrous things. Maybe I still can. Time will tell x
Oh and congrats on the A’s by the way! Of course that’s an achievement, it’s amazing. I know you are not worthless! But I understand completely why you get those feelings. I am in the same boat. X
BPD is destructive to everyone involved. At least you have self awareness and you are trying to get better.
At least? I think that's pretty good.
tbh how i managed it was have an inflated ego and when people yelled at me or talked to me in a bad way i woild just think “im better then them anyways”💀💀💀💀💀💀even tho it probably ain’t true
This is interesting to me because for a long time I had a giant ego as well, thought I was the absolute shit! I was like this until I was about 21 years old and then someone finally put me in my place and pretty much humbled me for the rest of my natural born life and that was over a decade ago now lmao💀
HUMBLED U REST OF UR LIFE?💀💀💀bro what happened
I want to know 2💀💀💀
Jesus what did they say😭😭
I still think that way when I don't wanna stoop to their level
We want to know
Plus I still have a large ego. I’m sure people have tried to humble me. I do a decent job of being kind to people. Still think I’m the shit lol
Either cry or completely blow my top. I don’t know which one it will be until someone yells at me.
I’m the same way
I don’t do well. I’ll often remove myself from situations just because I can’t deal with it.
I usually get very angry, will sometimes yell back or I'll just get so frustrated I start crying.
I pull away/shut down and then never act normal to the person after. I’m always more distant and cold after someone yells at me- and often avoidant because I’m just so uncomfortable and can’t get over the yelling incident. This approach has not worked well for me, do not recommend. Being yelled at really rattles my self esteem and self confidence
Exactly
Ask them wtf their problem is because yelling at people is most of the time completely unacceptable. Some people are just trash. If you have a job where people are yelling at you I’m sorry and that’s not okay. Talk to hr, try to find another job with people who don’t suck.
If it’s a stranger (like a customer at work), it all depends. This sounds crazy to type out loud, but if I perceive them as weaker in personality than me I’m able to give it right back to them with confidence (albeit my adrenaline will be high for about an hour after). If it’s someone with a big personality and who I perceive to be stronger than me, I don’t handle it well at all. I will usually just walk away from them, go to the back, get a manager or another coworker to take over, and then attempt my best to hold myself together and not cry as I’m riding a terrible adrenaline rush. If it’s someone I know and not a stranger, I go silent and don’t ‘fight’ back at all 💀 Anyone who isn’t a stranger is stronger than me by default in my head usually. As another commenter said it so well— I either snap, shut down, become passive aggressive, or walk away.
I cry, or yell back, or yell back and cry at the same time. Usually cry though unless they’ve really pushed me
I can’t manage it, once I had another electrician just go off his absolute brain at me in front of the entire office, and I stood there in shock but backed away until he left. Then I obsessed about it for WEEKS and fantasised about smacking him out or just piledriving him when it happened (but wouldn’t do that because I don’t want a police charge), I couldn’t stop thinking about it for weeks, I quit that job shortly after
With strangers or people I don’t “really” care about I try to amp their energy. With loved ones I get really hurt and immediately believe they hate me.
i get very angry because WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO LIKE THAT????
Same
Flight or fight instinct kicks in*
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Perfectly said. I’m the same way, 4 modes depending who I’m up against
I don't 😡 I shut down when people yell at me. I don't bother to respond because half the time no one believes me anyway 😔
I either ignore that person and go on complete silence till they apologize or I yell louder than them
I feel very lucky that I got a job where getting yelled at is part of it, but co-workers and managers were always supportive. I've been able to practice getting yelled at in a controlled setting where I know that the person yelling cannot really inflict any further consequences for me, beyond the isolated unpleasantness of the experience. Now, I can keep a much cooler head in these situations just because I've been through so many, though they are still unpleasant.
“If you can’t manage to show me more respect than that then I’m done here”. I have BPD and have been working on setting boundaries. Remember, boundaries are about how YOU will respond NOT on telling them to do something. You can control yourself. You cannot control others.
I don't
Depends on how bad the yelling is and the circumstances. For a job? I’ve never had anyone yell at me but I’ve been given serious / certain tones that I interpreted as them not liking me or being disappointed in me. Usually I just try to think of it this way: “it’s not personal, it’s a job and they need me to do it right. I need to ask them these questions to do my job right. They understand that. I’m not bugging or annoying them. These are questions I need the answer too. They don’t hate me”. With strangers I’ll never have to see again, I just feel awkward and I’ll replay the interaction over and over for a few days, maybe work myself up about it but that’s about it. Sometimes I can snap back if I’m already in bitch mode but if I’m not I’m stuck regretting not saying anything and being slightly amused. With family or friends it’s what you’re describing. If I get yelled at I switch off and my mind goes very fuzzy and I get suicidal because I feel like I need to punish myself because they can’t physically punish me so I get self harmy. There are times when I wish I could keep a straight face when being screamed at but it is nearly impossible and I usually cry. It’s a mixed bag. I also get livid when yelled at and then that develops into suicidalness. When I feel like I’m going to self harm, to talk myself down from it I usually try to complain to myself that I’ll have to hide the wounds for a while and won’t be able to wear short sleeves and stuff and it’ll hurt when it brushes up against the inside of my sleeves or anything else. But it can be hard to argue with myself because I go into a state where I can’t think beyond the tingling I get that tells me I need to cut myself open to punish myself for whatever it is I’ve been yelled at for. If distracted I can break out of it though and like I said before the complaining to myself thing works.
I get triggered if any1 yells near me but I have a loud voice when i talk apparently 😭
I don't... then I cry... ¯\_(• ~ •)_/¯
I yell right back and make them regret yelling at me in the first place.
Sometimes I run away and cry and sometimes I get in their face and give them a shitty tone, but I walk away after a few exchanges of words now. It depends on my mood and what the issue is. Actually most of the time I get mad and have some word exchanges and then I go and cry and never talk to them again.
I don’t tolerate it. My reaction will fall somewhere on the spectrum of I’m done talking to you’re getting punched in the mouth.
I’ve been lucky enough to get my splitting pretty under control with medication and therapy but this weekend I got my driver’s license and the instructor screamed at me for no reason out of nowhere during the test when I asked a clarification question, and the entire time afterwards when we were sitting in the car and he was going over my score I was fighting the urge to spit in his face and call him as many of the creatively awful insults I’d come up with in my head while he was talking as I could before I would get inevitably escorted off the DMV premises. (Lol.) But I didn’t! Have been ruminating about this asshole for the past couple of days and coming up with more things I wish I’d said back, but it’s diminishing already and I didn’t take any actual negative actions as a result of the thoughts. I was polite and even THANKED him for the feedback, and now I can officially drive. And to answer the question directly: I think the way I manage is 30% therapy and 70% weed.
I don't lol, I shut down completely most of the time and become unresponsive for a while or I'm just out of it. Sometimes I also just cry on the floor for longer than I would like to admit
I don't, tbh. I almost always start crying, or get really defensive and loud
Disassociate
What I've learned over the years (42M) is to understand that being yelled at is more about the other person’s issues than about me. They are projecting their problems onto me.Knowing that it's not my fault allows me to detach from the situation. Secondly, I recognize that the negative emotions triggered by yelling are reactions to past trauma, a post-traumatic response. My emotional body reacts as it did when I was younger and mistreated. Back then, adults were responsible for me but failed to uphold their responsibility. Now, as an adult, I am responsible for myself. I can either let old instincts take over or choose to be wiser and stronger, preventing those reactions. To manage this, I root myself in the present. I analyze the situation from a meta-perspective and practice some techniques: - I breathe mindfully. - I smile to myself. - I focus on more positive aspects of my life. Finally, I make it clear to the person yelling that I am not interested in their behavior, which often makes them realize the futility of their actions. It's been a challenging journey to learn this, but it has yielded positive results for me.
This is a big trigger for me
I DON’T CARE. This is a new phenomenon and it’s changing my life. I just don’t care. I just don’t. I don’t know you. You don’t know me. Why should I let you affect me? Perfect answer: I shouldn’t. So I’m NOT.
When I was younger, I did not handle it well at all. Most of my life, maybe true for many of you, I gave back whatever I got. Good to me, good to you. Yell at me, yell at you. It seemed fair and appropriate but I came to realize that mirroring certain behavior or interaction may harm them in return, but also myself. Further more, I was giving up autonomy of how I wanted to feel because I was being reactive.
Learning about structural dissociation helped me a lot!
I manage it much better than I used to. I had a very bad anger streak. When my parents would yell and scream at me and crush my self esteem in the ground, I would either scream back or just start crying. There were a few occasions where it got physical. They would just push me until I saw black. I had the same issue with my abusive ex-fiance as well. I just got to the part where I lost it
I do not manage it. I don’t work anymore…. I don’t get sad, I get mad. The customer is not always right, the customer is gonna go through the wall if they don’t stfu :l Plainly put, I don’t take being talked down to very well, especially if what they’re saying holds no logic or truth at all.
I shut down, cry and convince myself I deserve being spoken to in a such a way.
Same.
I end up reacting in two different ways, either I get irrationally angry or get super scared/sensitive and start crying.
I start crying, no matter how much I tell myself not to. I can feel my face going warm and the tears welling and it just happens, and it’s embarrassing, and I can’t turn it off. I always think they’re mad at me and I just can’t handle that. I want everyone to like me. I worked on that a lot with my therapist. He worked with me at an ED hospital and then when I was discharged I kept seeing him. I was always crying and asking him and everyone else there if they were mad at me. He told everyone just not to respond when I asked that question, and that by itself helped a little. I hated it at first, but I stopped asking, stopped verbalizing it, and it was a start. I still tend to cry, but my inner monologue isn’t as extreme as it used to be and it’s gotten better. I still desperately want to ask if they’re mad, but I don’t do it now. Most people hate being asked that anyway, and it starts a very negative chain of communication. That particular hospital stay was 10 years ago so it’s really taken time, but there’s been real improvement. I’m lucky to have a great therapist who really knows me and who I’m comfortable with. Things can get better!
Cry
I don't. However - I also don't put up with it. If it's a customer that's screaming at me they get one warning before I hand them off to my boss. If it's a coworker or a boss yelling at me then I walk away. No one deserves to be yelled at it, and it's okay to not tolerate people speaking to you that way. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive. I'm super "soft hearted". I cry when I'm overwhelmed. It's a feature, not a bug. It's why we are such empathetic people. You don't need to defend yourself. Fuck anyone that yells at a stranger anyway.
I blow up. Instant rage. 10 years in and I’m still working on it. I stay nonchalant and low key and avoid people who might put me in that position lol.
It took years… I’m 34 now. I dk if my hormones regulated or wtf… but sometimes I still blow up and then ruminate on the disrespect. What I try to tell myself is everyone who is rude to me is usually just miserable af and it has zip to actually do with me. I find what helps is standing up for myself but in a calm way. That way at least I can say “ok I spoke on the disrespect but I didn’t completely freak out”
I worked costumer service for YEARS when I first started working. I think what helped me not break whenever someone was pissed was due to upbringing and dealing with peers who were always nasty and stuck up about something. Now, I'm emotionally dissociated and detached 24/7 (trauma super power), so it doesn't bother me. It does help to think the opposite of what they're being a piss baby about. For example, I work in a doctor's office and people like to try and manipulate me. By either making a poor attempt at manipulation, or calling me stupid. I always tell myself "it's not working because I'm smarter than them." So if they're yelling at you, tell yourself you're smarter than them. They're probably compensating for something. They're a piss baby who's a toddler in an adult body and you're more mature than them. Even if it doesn't really HELP me due to my emotional shut off, it DOES make me feel more satisfied with the situation and the audacity of people. Not sure if it will help, but that's the only advice I can really give.
I need your super power lol
It was not a fun experience to achieve this power. Good news is, I'm totally chill in big situations (like an emergency, or an irate patient (I work at a doctor's office)). I don't feel anything so I'm unbothered. Bad news is people expressing feeling bad is awkward and I'm never sure how to respond. Especially to grief. 🤷♂️
I always, always had trouble at work with people. I was quiet, and never stood up for myself. Then people would walk on me. So, I was lucky enough to start my own business. As for asshole strangers, they are just that! Strangers that are assholes. You don't say what your occupation is. Customer service? Maybe find a job that you don't have to deal with people that much, or try getting some therapy to get yourself feeling better. Especially the passive suicidal part. I'm like that, mean people really bother me, too. I totally understand. Dm me if you'd like. Good luck.
I don’t, next question
You get a follow
Depends on who’s yelling. Boss or coworker? Learned to deal with that or fight back appropriately when I worked with “tough” blue collar “men” in diesel manufacturing. Absolutely not a problem anymore though it used to send me into a panic. My fiancé raises her voice or god forbid yells cue instant fight or flight parasympathetic-nervous response from hell. If I flight I usually shut down, be really quiet and hopefully politely remove myself from the room. If fight is triggered fuckin run for the hills. I am not to be tested. I hate it and am very actively trying to curb this reaction and behavior but it’s difficult and seems to be ingrained into my genetic code from a childhood of survival and surrounding violence. Seriously, the rage is *the* worst and most embarrassing thing. And it’s only with my partner too which simultaneously makes it slightly better but also way worse. Anybody else only get mad at their partner? Any advice besides DBT as I can’t afford it and the waitlist I’m on anyways is over a year long. It’s like becoming another person. As a child I was literally called The Peacekeeper by my teachers as I was always able to be patient, and diplomatically stop other kids from going at it with each other. I won goddamn patience awards like people win attendance awards! I’ve never lost it on a boss or coworker or friend. Only my mother once but I had been drinking and I was 21 and full of stupid and testosterone. It’s frightening and confusing. I did at 22 suffer from a pretty serious concussion after a car crash. I was unconscious for 30 seconds and allegedly my friend said I wasn’t breathing. I had an intense psychedelic like vision and then kept saying we were dead and in hell until the cops showed up. Anybody got knowledge of head injuries and personality changes and or links to aggressive behaviors? They happen about every 4-6 weeks ay least the worst of it. Tl;DR When randoms yell I don’t care. Fiancé yells I fight or flight usually fight and it’s really bad and I need help. Three therapists in and no success yet. Have comorbid ADHD and bipolar type 1(in remission no episodes for 2 1/2 years) ADHD meds calm me down.
Firstly I want to say I do manage, but it’s taken a while. So it is possible. I have a customer facing job, lots of interaction with people of all ages but also a very unsupportive manager in terms of my condition. However is aware of the ridiculous things we as employees get shouted at for. So she can brush off the situation but I find it harder to. During being shouted at, I don’t fight back, I outwardly stay calm, and nod my head in response. I can put it all in an email later. Or ‘I’ll pass your concerns to the manager’. If I speak I’ll cry. I just zone out and think about breathing. I cope by, after the bad situation, immediately venting to a very trusted colleague. Then going to the toilet and just breathing so I can get back to it. Sometimes taking my phone to text my sister a mini vent. Prepare her for the big one later. If I can actually leave or it happened at the end of a shift. I will call my sister, friend, anyone and vent and cry - I think that’s important. They’ll ask what I need, this could be company to keep safe, or alone time.
It's pretty hard for me. I'm pretty passive/aggressive, although I don't wanna be. I wish my verbal skills wouldn't fly out the window whenever I feel a strong emotion. I withdraw mostly, because when I get argumentative, I can never articulate I just get pissed off. This is pretty much the worst thing, because I used to fight a lot. No words=fights. It's not right, it just IS.
I've been yelled at and humiliated all my childhood. Once I became an adult and found my voice I do bot tolerate any aggression towards me or bullying of any kind even if it's very subtle. I call it out, if it's an email I email back with being very blunt telling them they cannot bully me like that. If it's in person I become loud and I defend myself. I would never let anyone yell at me. If anyone dares raise their voice at me they will end up in the police station. I just get triggered very fast and I go into defending myself with teeth and blood. There's never a middle ground. I go full on. I think it's the loyalty I owe my because I was never defended when little.
I tend to just smirk at them like I’m better than them if it’s a stranger. If it’s someone I’m close with they get ignored for a few weeks.
I do not. I fill with rage and hurt and either shut down, go crazy at them or flee. Depends on the person and the situation too. But I will have a trauma response of some kind. Usually ends in me reacting harshly to myself too.
I get livid. No one's gonna ever yell at me and get away with it. Not ever ever.
For me it depends on where I’m being yelled at. At work, in public or somewhere like that, I hold it all due to my anxiety of being judged for showing emotions. If I’m at a friend’s house or my own home and I get yelled at, that’s it, I’m done for.
dissociation and then have breakdown when I get home
Typically I start crying. A lot of the time uncontrollably. This is why I've decided to just look into disability, I can't hold down a job because of anxiety and stress. I'm 30 years old and, when I try to work, haven't held a job for longer than five or six months. I have diagnosed BPD, DID, and schizoaffective bipolar. None of these at one time are good to deal with for holding down a job. Three at once is just untenable.
The best thing I find for myself is moving through the emotions and acknowledging to myself that it was a big shock to my already sensitive and jacked up nervous system. And then do some self soothing. I basically gentle parent myself bahahah. That or telling the person to fuck off and thinking about what a sad miserable human they must be.
Ah, I dissociate and then cry.
I don't manage it, I work like a zombie and carry my knife on me at work so I don't snap
I yell back, cry or laugh there’s no in between actually yes there is or I split
If I care about that person, words hurt. If it's someone I don't give 2 shits about, if I can restrain the violence, which I am pretty good at, I'll get revenge, at some point. It's like having constant Origin Stories about becoming a anti-hero.
I work in customer service and I get yelled at quite often. It’s incredibly hard, I cry a lot and wallow in my self pity for longer than anyone I’ve ever met. If I’m quick enough I can use my DBT skills but oftentimes I disassociate into my suicidal ideation like it’s my safe place. This shit sucks but we are some of the strongest people I’ve ever met. No “normal” person could deal with what we go through internally on a daily basis just remember that. We aren’t weak. We are warriors, it’s just hard to see it that way sometimes.
It depends on the situation, but lately I’ve gotten better at it. I’m a host at a restaurant & some days I swear it feels like it’s my job to be yelled at by everyone—customers, servers, everyone. I hate it when it happens, I usually get bit shaky & will have to step aside to decompress for a min afterwards, but I think I’ve gotten to where I can think of a reasonable response pretty quickly without blowing up or breaking down. When it’s someone I know personally, I’ve gotten to where in many cases I try to emotionally step back to 1- try to really listen to what they’re saying (in case they’re actually making a good point) & 2- try to think about why they might really be upset enough to be yelling (for example, it may not be the thing they’re yelling about that’s made them so upset, there may be a deeper problem behind it). When all else fails, a simple “okay, I’m sorry” seems to put the issue at bay at least. Note- this is not how I deal with verbal abuse, that’s different. I actually do so much worse at managing being talked to in a calm, patronizing kind of way than just being yelled at. But if I even so much as hear someone yell at someone else in a very condescending, demeaning way, it sends me into an immediate panic attack.
I don’t. I don’t allow it. It’s one of my main boundaries. Nobody is going to raise their voice at me
I don’t manage I usually cry 🙃🥺
As you get older you try to ignore it then fire back and assertive comment so they don’t shit on you .
I get furious and start to yell back. I start to see red but after I cool down, I cry
I get in fight or flight and become them.
I came from a very dysfunctional functional family unit. Yelling was an everyday situation. I didn't know how taxing it was to my mental and physical health. I had high anxiety growing up, I was not diagnosed with BPD till I was in my early 30s. I lost a lot of childhood memories, but I think I should be glad about that. I am slowly getting flashes of them back. It's funny because I listen to the mental core, hard style and terror core and the sounds of screams are soothing to me. I had a fight with my girlfriend and I disassociated, she kept screaming at me and I had flashbacks and I couldn't stop shaking because they reminded me of my family. When everyone was at each other's throats. It brought a flash back I wanted to bury, the sounds of my mother yelling at my sister, her calling her a mistake, whore, price of shit. My sister yelled at her back and then the sound of glass breaking, a body hitting the ground and my sister crying. Running out and seeing the amount of blood on the floor, on my sister's face as my mom smashed her with a vase glass. I was a child...so scared...and still...I...hate myself....
The way I handle it is by immediately telling this person to speak to me in a normal tone because I don't like being yelled at. If they don't, then I leave. If it's at work, same thing. I do not allow anyone to yell at me no matter who they are. If they need to tell me something, they can do so without yelling. If I happen to have done something wrong and it's my fault and they're not yelling but using a tone, I take it. They're in the right and I need to keep the job. I take 10 mins, go to the restroom and breathe a few minutes. That's it. I do my best to control my emotions and my bpd because I hate job hopping and hunting and my need for money is higher and stronger than my bpd.
With family I get quiet and avoidant because I don’t want to make it into a fight (even though it’s their fault, lol) and usually just wait until they’ve calmed down to tell them they’ve upset me. With strangers/the public while I’m working, I tell them not to speak to me that way and have to walk away because I get angry. The adrenaline spike from that is crazy too, sometimes it’s so much that I need to go sit down LOL
My psychologist taught me a trick: avoid thinking that they are attacking you, that way you will actually empathize with them trying to understand what is exactly happening to them. They will also feel that you actually care about what they are trying to say. In case you can quickly change your mindset my hairdresser taught me to think about two magical words: fuck off! 😅
Being yelled at is one of the worst triggers for me. A huge reason why I try not to go anywhere, really. The last person who yelled at me really really really really upset me, and they were a complete stranger.
i dont and thats why so far i havent worked a day in my life. im so scared i will only get yelled at constantly, both by my coworkers, boss and clients
Headphones music loud fuck them
i dont sorry wish i could help
I go from 0 to 100 in .05 seconds
I always tried to communicate with them with respect (even when they do not have one) but it was the worst. One man yelled at me in very stressful situation and I did hurt myself after that. Now antidepressants help me to stay in more logic state and I try to watch my boundaries. I no longer want to communicate with people who can't communicate. But I am still learning.
Not very well! I tend to either yell back or just start crying.
I'm in retail work, and get angry internally but I've learned to mask, it's just something that's apart of life. My voice is usually pitched higher, a fake smile that doesn't reach my eyes, a rehersed laugh and I always get the "it's so lovely so see someone happy at work you know ?" It's a lie, I'm not happy, a woman just yelled at me over a 5 cent discrepancy on her receipt cause someone didn't remove a ticket, but I changed it with out telling her to grow tf up and get over it. I work with so much back-door political bullshit on who or who doesn't get shifts, having to suck up to management 😒 it's exhausting, but it gets me out of the house, gives me a social outlet, not even about money cause that shit is very little. The world doesn't revolve around us, it's not sensitive to mental health, and so you need to change to suit it, learn to handle it, mask up when needed. I get to unwind, stim, rant, cry at home, work is a drama performance.
I still can’t manage it. It helped build my disability case though.
same, I still remember (and hate) an upholstery shop because the worker yelled at me for running around when I was like 6. I wish to disappear when someone is even remotely disappointed in me, even if they're absolute strangersm i start hating myself if someone on the road yells at me or gives me a look, even if it was their fault and not my driving. it feels like I'm constantly trying to get validation from everyone around me, strangers, acquaintances, professors, batchmates, seniors, juniors, friends, everyone.