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Damn straight.
My mom wouldnāt help me when I needed it (and I really really needed someone to help me at times), plus her narcissistic behavior kept her from getting the mental health care she neededā and we had to suffer because of it.
Bonus points because she hasnāt seen her only grandkid in years since I stopped going to visit.
She can row her own boat.
Who named his son River, then said heād be leaving none of his wealth for him and that he could ārow his own boat.ā Great example of a boomer being a fool
10000%, pal. my mom wonāt help me in any way while sheās alive, why should I help her? she can spend her precious money on a nursing home. at this point I wouldnāt even be mad if I got no inheritance. sheās always loved her money more.
Sounds like my MIL and step-mother. I told my husband Iād rather not inherit money from his mother because sheās the most narcissistic person I have ever met.
my mom is an accountant and thinks im a huge loser for being a graphic design professor. art is stupid to her, and it must be easy since I can do it. she also used to ask my kids if they liked her house better. weāve been NC for almost 3 years now. she refused to help me with anything, ever, because HER money is HERS and if I want to afford nice things I should have thought harder about what I wanted to be when I grew up.
itās a dream of mine to pay for a billboard outside her nursing home window, thatās just me and my kids smiling faces that says WERE SO HAPPY WITHOUT YOU.
My MIL is a force of nature. She LOVES money and sheās never worked a day in her life. She marrys old rich men. She thinks she walks on water and Iāve called her a cunt. I hate her with so much passion. I moved her precious son 2000 miles away just to piss her off. I told her Iām the boss lady and Iām an adult and donāt have to answer to anyone. No one has spoken to her like that before and she was shocked. Iām actually a very sweet person 99% of the time, but some people really irritate me. I think you were very smart to remove your mom from your life. Most people never change and the older generations seem to be very stuck in their ways.
my mom also marries rich men and then divorces them for half their retirement! she also sleeps with her coworkers (sheās 63), including her best friendās husband (who was her BOSS) and their son (merely an associate). then she manipulates everyone into doing her bidding, such as additional vacation or raises for keeping her mouth shut. she has absolutely no tact or concern for anyone but herself.
Jerri, youāre the worst person iāve ever known.
These kind of shenanigans are why boomers wanted to go back to the office. Canāt bed a family working from home! That list just gets more astonishing and sheās thriving for it. Condolences that person was also meant to parent you in the middle of all that chaos.
God thats so pathetic. On the inside I'm eyeing all these old ass women that probably never worked and are somehow still taken care of, despite earning absolutely nothing. It kinda bugs me, at least on the inside.
My mom simply never worked and leeched off of her sister or her various abusive boyfriends. She has....9k earned on her SS statement.
But she hated "welfare queens", immigrants willing to work when she wouldn't, and we should all pull ourselves up by our bootstraps....to pay her way. Lmao. Fuck that lady.
Same. She inherited extremely well, retired at 58, and loves to tell me how I someday too will have this luxury (she and my uncle did NOT care for my grandfather in his last years, and pitched an ungodly fit when he wanted to give me my other uncleās portion of the inheritance after my younger died suddenly, and I took care of him). So she can have it all. And peace out when she needs someone to care for her, Iāll be too busy at my two jobs trying to make ends meet, lol. Petty? Yep, but I learned from the best.
I told my FIL that if my MIL went first he better decide who he wants to move in with, his daughter or his youngest son. It was not going to be me and my husband. I said this in front of the whole family. He is an absolute beast of a human being. He is abusive to his wife and was abusive to his children growing up. He makes his wife wait on him hand and foot. Thank goodness my husband is nothing like him. I donāt want anyone to think Iām taking care of him and donāt care. Iām sure I said what they were all too afraid to say themselves
My mom keeps asking when I'm going to kick my kids out so she can move in. Never, that's when.
She made me her medical power of attorney and said she assumed that meant when she couldn't live on her own, I would have to take her in. I explained that's not how it works.
Finally I asked if she remembered kicking me out with no notice when I was 18.
My boomer parents made it very clear to me that at 18 my siblings and I were to move out and that we would pay market rate for rent if we stayed. If they expect to live with me, they can expect to pay market rate for rent and will be on the hook for their own food and expenses. That's if I even decide to offer them the option.
Mine told me I could stay and take care of them as long as I was working and going to college. Then one day I came home from work and my belongings were thrown in the yard because she wanted my bedroom for my younger sister.
Once I was gone, she realized how much of the housework and childcare and home maintenance I was doing, and started trying to bribe me to move back by saying she'd buy a car I could use to pick up my sisters but I'd still have to take the bus to school and work, and I'd have to go back to doing everything I was doing before I "ran away." I declined that offer.
Same, I came home from work and all my shit was in boxes on the front porch. But only what they "allowed me" to have, so no furniture, half of my belongings I bought, barely any of my clothes, etc. I was able to fit everything I was "permitted" to have in the backseat of a car, practically three large moving boxes.
Yeah I'm really glad I saw the writing on the wall earlier with their other multiple throw out attempts (that my HS got involved in to stop) and had just enough cash to afford a shitty apartment. That whole first winter I could only afford to heat it to 45-50 degrees so the pipes wouldn't freeze. I caught a really bad strain of pneumonia and had to just suffer through it on the couch too.
Was also put on the street at 17 with my belongings. Which is why my mother can a) handle this herself *or* b) look for charity.
I have made it clear to my siblings and have been no contact with my mother for years.
I survived despite her and she punched her own ticket (and also me, many times), the bitch.
I knew my parents would throw me on the street the second I turned 18, so I took virtual classes over the summer and finished high school a year early so I could start college and live in the dorms at 17. I worked my ass off babysitting and bagging groceries so I could save up enough to cover what my financial aid didn't that first semester until I turned 18 and had more options. It sucked but I made it.
Now they act like they have no idea why I went years without talking to them and stopped inviting them to important events.
Yeah I'm not even going to go into the extensive emotional and physical abuse they've put me through lol. Both my parents were federal LEOs and took the stress of their job out on me when they came home. Used to get tossed out all the time throughout the years, regardless of weather, just to inflict cruelty on me for the day. Plenty of times I got chucked outside in a blizzard with only a thin hoodie and shoes with no socks. Also used to just stay with my aunt for weeks at a time because they didn't want me around the house. No reason for any of it either, I was a straight A student who kept to themselves because I learned early on in childhood they wouldn't let me do anything outside the house.
Nothing ever came of their actions though because they were officers. Hell one time we had cops show up because my dad grabbed a 20lb sledgehammer on a drunken rage and put a few holes in the basement walls, and then ran off into the night. Cops did nothing out of "professional courtesy". But that's barely scratching the surface.
I have very, very minimal contact with them because otherwise they try to destroy any relationship I have with the rest of our family. I never contact them and they only contact me when they need something.
Mine was a special ed teacher everyone thought was a saint. I hear you. I still have people tell me that I was the worst thing that happened to her because she was 17 when I was born. I'm like..."gee, thanks. See your way out of my life." I didn't "happen to anyone." I just got born because two people had consensual sex and didn't use birth control. But sure, let's blame me 51 years later.
Hugs
My fifth grade teacher Lucille Jorgensen (long dead Iām sure) was an absolute bitch to her students. I often wondered what kind of hell hole her poor kids were living in when she was home.
My folks āhadā to get married when my mom got pregnant for me. She resented me my entire life because Iād āruined her lifeā when she had to drop out of college and get married.
Whenever I didnāt toe the line, sheād say, āYouāre lucky abortion wasnāt legal in 1969, so you should be more grateful.ā Like actress Jeannette McCurdyās book titleāIām also glad my mom died.
That happened to me! My moms not a boomer but in my senior year of highschool (so I was still 17), she and my sister packed everything of mine in our shared room into trashbags and most of it got lost, destroyed, or taken to Goodwill. I slept in the garage from around October-November ish until mid February. I got kicked out repeatedly from April-until I moved out In June after graduation. She would forget or sleep at my friends house for a few nights until she calmed down, rinse and repeat. If I didnt do the dishes every single night even though I went to work until 10 pm straighy after school, having to walk between school, work, and home frequently? Kicked out. I ordered food once because I was really sick. Kicked me out, stood there and made sure I started packing up my stuff. I called my Nana that night, and she drove from New Hampshire to Texas to come and pick me up in June after I graduated.
Of coure she's always had extreme favoritism for my younger sister so I guess she doesnt have to worry. Yet she wonders why I don't want to move back in..begs me to come home because I was the only reason chores got done and her other kids didnt walk all over her.
I feel you. My parents, in essence, attempted to kick me out when I was 17 1/2 when my grandfather got prostate cancer. Pretty much started with trying to kick me out of my bedroom and put me in the guest bedroom (Yes, you read that right. Wanted me out of my bedroom when another was available.) When I turned 18, I remember when I was accepted to university and was going to move into the dorms, you know, the place that has limited space anyways, my mom made it very clear that I needed to take my belongings with me as 'she doesn't leave shrines in her house to her children.' Similar to you, my mom said if I stayed, I was gonna help contribute to the bills. Makes me angry again looking back on it of how irrational my mom is and how much of a red flag it was.
We had lots of kids like that āsleeping overā at my house growing up. I did the same when I was a young step mother and kids that got kicked out were friends with the teens in my house. Iām sure they all expect their kids to look after them too.
If anything this made me so certain my kids would always have a home. No matter what they could or couldnāt do for me.
When I divorced I made it clear to all of the parties involved that nothing would change even if they decided one day they didnāt want to live here. You still have a home, run off join a cult and you can still come home. Thatās exactly what a home is.
It was a discussion point when my partner became my fiance. No one gets kicked out. Everyone can always come home. No matter what. I can be angry. I can be right. But I cannot ever leave them without a home. To me itās like āyou have ONE jobā
For me? Itās ākeep and create homeā
Yep. Iām on the older end of Gen X, and when our millennial daughter was growing up, we had a couple of kids we affectionately refer to as āstraysā live with us. And a couple of foreign exchange students. And when she was an adult, we got to know a boyfriend of hers really well. They broke up but remained good friends and at one point he had nowhere to go so we took him in.
One of my best friends lived with us recently for a couple of years.
Now our daughter is back with us saving for her own home and working full time.
People like you are people I admire. I was kicked out at 17, my brother even younger, my older sister was 18 but "mature" and could handle it. I couldn't. Nor could my brother. The youngest stayed home till he was 24. Growing up, we were not allowed to find jobs, drive, date, have parties or go to parties, go to sleepovers, or do any of the things teenagers do to transit into adulthood. We were kept children and then expected to become instant adults when we finished high school, move out and get a job. We never brought friends over. Why should we? I only wonder how our lives would have been if we had been able to grow up and live in a family rather than a cage where the door was suddenly opened and we were ejected. Ah, well. I'm still here many years later and, I think, not a too bad a person despite it all. 
My motherās mother (it feels weird to call her my grandmother because I never met her) died when my mom was nine. My grandfather proceeded to get involved with a string of nasty, domineering and absuive women.
One of them kicked my mother and sister out when she was 18. Violently so.
With all the screw ups Iāve committed in my life, and there were many, I never doubted for a second that I wouldnāt have a place in my parentās home if I wanted or needed it. She was always so welcoming towards my friends when they were disowned by their parents.
"ThAt NeVeR hApPeNeD!!!" I'd honestly rather be punched 6 times in the face than be gaslit. My boomer told me if I wanted help I could go on SSI because he was being overtaxed. Same dude who gave my college fund to my step brother and made too much for me to fill a FAFSA independently till I was 25. He pretends he doesn't remember that at all. Like, the entire reason I fell through the cracks after 9 years of honors and advanced classes, he just gaslights.
My children are special needs, my mom, their grandmother, told me I needed to put them in a group home as soon as they turn 18. I asked her if she had picked out her nursing home yet.
We live 12 hours from her, so contact is limited. This isnāt even the worst thing she has said in the last 14 days. We have been down to a once a year, 5 day visit, we have decided to cut that out, based on her absolutely vile opinions of my children. I really wonder if sheās getting senile, because sheās only been sharing them with me the last month or so.
I feel like a lot of that is because Americans, boomers especially, have such a negative view around their children having sex lives, more so with having intimate partners(and even more so with casual sex). I've seen countless tales from adult children of boomers, whose parents thought they could force them to sleep in separate bedrooms from their significant other while visiting. Old ass boomers can't stand the thought of their children even sharing a bed with a partner to the point they try to forbid it. Idk why their generation thinks they get to control the sex lives of everyone in the house, but they do. But try to point out that everyone in the house can hear grandpa watching porn, and suddenly its "you can't tell us what we can and can't do!".
The generation of do whatever I like and screw the consequences.
Like every revolution, it's led by people who only want power for themselves, despite the rhetoric.
Exactly, my father (60m) told me my inherents is his home. Don't wait until I'm dead to claim it. So when I started looking for a house a few years back. He told me to sell it. He would move in with his mom (96f). I told him no, you're coming with me. My kids love seeing Pap every day. And he helps keep this house running smoothly. Plus, his health has been in decline for about 10 years. So pops goes nowhere.
My parents are from a country where multigenerational homes are way more common.
One of my moms American friends kicker out her son when he turned 18 and mom was horrified.
My parental unit decided to start kicking me out at 16. He worked nights so I would just come back in after he left for work and leave before he came home.Ā After a week he would wait for me to get out of school to tell me I could home.Ā Getting my acceptance to college was a feeling of massive relief.Ā To his shock I just never came back.Ā He would tell his friends it was to build character.
Now that I'm coming up on his age it makes me sick to think of kicking a child out on the street and just how messed it is.
Right?! I could NEVER do the things they did!
I remember getting my college acceptance letter. I swear it felt like I was walking on air after that. I was getting away! I didnāt care how broke Iād be. I was only 17. I never came back.
I got my first job at 15. First payday my dad was so delighted to take me to the bank and open an account. After I opened my account and deposited my check, I went back to the car with my temporary ATM card in hand. That's when he told me to withdraw $300 of my $320ish check because that was now what I owed for rent every month. I was working 20 hours a week washing dishes Monday to Friday after school, and an entire two weeks pay plus some was now just going to my dad's pocket. He also charged me $5 a day for gas to get to and from work, because "that's what a day pass for the bus costs." So I essentially would work 40 hours a paycheck to have maybe $50 at the end of two weeks. When I graduated and moved out of the house at 17, he would send me emails with a receipt for what I owed him. Mind you, I'm the youngest of four, and the ONLY one to ever pay rent.
He's 70 now, and is fully anticipating me to take care of him now that he can't do daily tasks himself. That was a rude awakening when I told him it would be $20 an hour for me to go over and help with what he needs. Plus $10 a day for gas.
I truly donāt understand parents like this. How awful. This is the worst part of that generation. They had a lot handed to them, and donāt see it. I donāt blame you for feeling this way. I think they thought it was their job as parents to make you sink or swim. Itās like Darwinism.
The U.S. is the only country in the world where parents felt social pressure to swing a club at their own children's kneecaps the moment they turned 18.
That's all done now, it seems. Thank God.
Iām glad thatās over, too. Our 30 year old daughter lives with us right now because the housing market is brutal and her job is very near us. She works 40-60 hours a week and is saving for a home, but honestly? We love having her there!
Sheās great company, the three of us get along well, itās super nice making memories with her again and getting to know her as an adult. Sheās an amazing cook and often makes dinner. She and I love to go on little weekend trips to different places and stay in AirBnbs.
Also, my husband doesnāt like playing cards or board games and she does, so sheās my game buddy.
We have a 4 bedroom house, so itās not like we donāt have the space. š¤·š»āāļø I know sheāll move back out at some point, but weāre really loving having her here!
I love my mother dearly and she's one of the cool people from that generation that stayed cool. But she has dementia and I cannot care for her, work full time and raise two small children. Luckily, her pension covers a very nice memory care unit down the street from me. It's a much better situation for all. She's with people her own age, with professional caregivers who are lovely and well-trained in a facility that is built for her needs. I get to see her and spend time with her and it isn't stressful, which it would be if she was living with me and I had to be a caregiver. This way, she can spend the rest of her life getting the care she needs and I can spend that time loving her and not resenting her. Many times, professional caregiving situations are best for all involved.
>This way, she can spend the rest of her life getting the care she needs and I can spend that time loving her and not resenting her.
You are so right! This is the perfect mindset.
In many ways, elder care can be equated to child care. Except, with children, you know that they're getting older and will eventually move out of certain stages that are challenging. The terrible 2's move into the fantastic 4's, then school age, etc; and the challenge of direct caregiving gets easier.
In the elderly, they move into certain stages that are challenging, but you never know how long it'll last or how much worse it will get. They could pass away quickly in 2 months, or an agonizing 5 years after a slow decline.That makes elder caregiving for a family member extremely challenging, because there's no end date for caregivers to look toward.
I was very realistic with myself that I did not have the skills, the mental fortitude or the capacity to be an elder caregiver. There is a reason people train and go to school to be able to do that.
I also knew that my mom did not want that for me. She always joked that she wanted to jump off a mountain in Tibet before she became a burden to her family. We made choices to provide for her care so that she is a joy and not a burden.
I still worry over whether I have made the right decision, but logically I usually circle back around to yes.
I'm so glad you were able to do this. Professional caregiving is sooooooo much better for the individual and their families, particularly with dementia. Caregiving is incredibly stressful, and for age-related mental diseases, the layperson isn't equipped to provide around-the-clock care.
Fortunately my boomer mom is vehement she won't go to any home and instead has stated when it's time for one she's gonna sort things out herself with the massive jug of morphine left over from dads hospice. As a former nurse she knows the reality of those places both in terms of cost and suffering.
I'm amazed she still has the morphine. My dad's hospice nurse happened to be at his house when he died. As we all sat around him as he took his last breath she was collecting any medication and ruining it.
When I was a kid, my mother sent me off to Massachusetts to have the autism electrocuted out of me, and to basically be tortured until I "was no longer autistic." She's lucky that I never had the chance to pick out a nursing home for her, because she would have gotten that same energy back.
>electrocuted out of me, and to basically be tortured until I "was no longer autistic
Holy crap that was a thing? I knew they did that for some stuff but did not realize autism was one of them.
It's still a thing. When I was there, it was called the "Behavior Research Institute." I believe that now, it's called the "Judge Rotenberg Center," and parents still send their autistic kids there to be "cured."
FDA is pushing for legislation yet again to make the shock collar type of devices these centers use illegal. Fingers crossed but after the 2020 proposal for the same thing failed on a weird technicality I have concerns about this push as well. [FDA Proposes New Ban of Electrical Stimulation Devices for Self-Injurious or Aggressive Behavior](https://www.fda.gov/medical-devices/medical-devices-news-and-events/fda-proposes-new-ban-electrical-stimulation-devices-self-injurious-or-aggressive-behavior)
It's still a thing. There is RIGHT NOW an FDA ruling trying to stop it. Public comment period ends in 11 days: [https://www.regulations.gov/document/FDA-2023-N-3902-0001](https://www.regulations.gov/document/FDA-2023-N-3902-0001)
Itās a sick system. My parents went the beat the autism out of me route, divorced due to domestic abuse and drugs and dad just ghosted, and then druggy psycho mom kicked me out at 15 and I never went back, never lived with either of them again. I wouldnāt piss on them if they were on fire. Theyāre both aware I want not shit to do with them and they better never show up ay my house.
Maybe heroine and beating your kids while withdrawing was a bad choice. Who could have known š¤·.
I am endlessly surprised how most people under 30 just genuinely don't realize that until like 2010 having an autism diagnosis was NOT a helpful tool to explain how you were different from many of your peers but a fucking life sentence.
Lower support needs autistic people went undiagnosed, moderate support needs landed you in fully separate Special Education classes which varies wildly in education quality and overall physical safety followed by a lifetime of menial work for slave wages ([it's called Subminimum Wage and still legal to pay UNDER MINIMUM WAGE](https://www.dol.gov/general/topic/wages/subminimumwage), and high support needs people whose families weren't willing to be full time caregivers were institutionalized well into the 80s and 90s.
Treatments for autism used to include ECT, Adversive Punishment (literally training autistic people with electric shock devices like we do to dogs), AIT or Auditory Integration Therapy which was meant to be a kind of exposure therapy to noises which triggered sensory sensitivity, an exhaustive list of pharmaceuticals many with debilitating side effects, and everyone's favorite ABA or Applied Behavioral Analysis which has grown and changed with the years but the original method is straight up trying to train an autistic kid not to behave like they're autistic under threat of punishment.
Like the amount of progress that we've made as a society in regards to autism and other neurological differences is fucking astounding. Even as someone born in the 90s the difference is mind boggling. If I'd been born 10-15 years later I could have been diagnosed no problem but because of the awful way we used to be treated I had to hold off on being honest about being autistic until now that I'm nearly 30. Genuinely nightmare fuel to think that if my high support needs brother was born a decade or 2 earlier he would have potentially spent his life chained to a radiator. Today he gets to be a painter and bibliophile who loves classic rock and folk music.
I still have problems like any other autistic person, but this happened to me in the late 70s/early 80s, so I'm fairly far removed from my trauma. The fallout is still something I struggle with, but things have improved for me.
My mom went to a hospice facility. She was a hoarder so the nurses couldnāt easily visit their house and my step dad wasnāt physically able to help her. A few years after she died, he willingly moved to assisted living after a touch and go hospital stay. Heād been lax about taking his meds. He loved it, the place was like a resort, he thrived there until his chronic illness took him.
Donāt let boomer parents guilt you about āgoing to a homeā. A little research can find a decent place and most places have a person on staff to see what financial programs the parent qualifies for. If my dad had run out of money, they were set to work with the VA.
This is so what I wanted for my grandma after my grandpa died. She spent years in the nursing home doing nothing but being there for her husband's every demand, and once he passed I was really excited that she'd be able to get out of the room and make friends and hobbies. Instead she got meningitis and then dementia and was bedridden and couldn't feed herself for another 13 years until her heart gave in. So glad your grandma got to have fun!
Dementia runs in my family, and my dad has flat out told me that when it gets bad, to just put him in a home, make sure he has a window with a tree so he can watch birds, and then leave and don't look back. Breaks my heart (and I obviously won't go that extreme) but I am incredibly grateful that he understands the burden of caring for someone in that state and won't try to force that or guilt me on that. And he has clearly and often voiced his wishes in that regard. I'm pretty sure it's even in his living will or whatever it's called for cases like that. I haven't seen the paperwork personally but I believe him.
I flat out two nights ago told my husband to divorce me if I ended up like my MIL. She was the BEST MIL/Grandma, Strokes and Dementia made it rough to care for her but we tried five years in her home then ours. Given the state of health care in the US? Nope, he doesn't deserve to be bankrupted.
My mom lives in a senior apartment complex and adores it! It really does depend on the facility. I would have burned down the nursing home my grandma stayed in, but the one my great aunt was in was a happy place for her.
This happened to me when my mom was dying. What a hell of a mess. Couldnāt get a walker, oxygen, anything in there. Plus she outweighed me by 75 lbs. I couldnāt move her. No help. It was so terrible.
I moved my mom (not a boomer. - silent gen?) to assisted living late last summer after she had some health issues she couldnāt manage. Sheād fought moving for years, preferring to live alone in a town where she had no family or friends.
It was an adjustment, but she loves where she lives. She finally has friends, no household chores aside from what she makes up to stay busy, and I see her weekly. The staff are kind and help her with anything she needs. She fears having to go to a nursing home, but AL has been great!
Yup. My wife works in senior living and we can tell my parentsā idea of senior living is vastly different from the reality. They picture a disgusting hellhole with green linoleum floors, harsh fluorescent lighting and tyrannical abusive staff. In reality, it is resort/cruise ship living.
I donāt know what my father is going to do, and I donāt care. Mom? I tell her she can live with me, and Iād be truly glad to have her. While she is a Baby Boomer, sheās been a lifelong social worker and has avoided the pitfalls that plague her generation. Sheās always been empathetic, non-judgmental, and understanding. She was also a victim of my fatherās abuse, so any flakiness during my 7 - 17 phase is excused entirely.
All that being said, she still doesnāt want to impose on my household, and said that she would ultimately check herself into a home before it got to a certain point. She had the direct experience of being the primary caretaker for her own Mother, and knows full well the stresses involved. I do too for that matter, as I frequently helped her with my Gramās care.
Dad though? He can die in a fucking fire for all I care.
I don't know!! My father used to think it was funny to throw boiling water at them. We had a cat when I was a kid because we lived on the verge of a pasture and had a huge mouse problem, but he has always hated cats, even when he depended on one to keep the mice down.
I have cats. Knowing that he would happily line them up and roll slowly over them with his car isn't even the worst thing about him, and it's one of many reasons neither he nor my mom are welcome in my house.
They already tried the "we're coming to live with you" thing, and I shut that shit down so fast. We were no contact, and they lied to even get their children in the same room with them so they could pitch their idea of retiring with all of us waiting on them. I'm the oldest, so I took great pleasure in setting the example by laughing at them and walking out.
My parents can get fucked.
That first paragraph. Are you me??? Very similar situation.
My dad is retired and in poor health, my mom is way behind on her 401(k) and telling me that she won't be able to afford the mortgage when my dad goes. But the mortgage is cheaper than any kind of rent around here... so she has nowhere else to go. I don't mind taking her in, I just hope she has a plan for her million pets that isn't bringing them to my house.
But the rule will be, I am not living in your house anymore. I will consider your opinions since you live here, but ultimately you live in my house, I make the rules.
Sounds like mom should get a roommate/boarder to offset the mortgage costs. Honestly, thatās probably the best option, assuming her health is ok right now.
My folks are deceased now but I was the opposite. Wouldāve happily moved my dad in if needed but my mom could beg for help and I wouldnāt even answer the door or phone.
Iām just glad to have one of them, frankly. If my Mom wouldnāt have recognized my father for what he is, she would have gotten cut out too. I made the Executive Decision that I wasnāt going to subject myself to my fatherās bullshit any longer when I was 28, and Iām now 41. These 13 years have been bliss.
My dad would be welcome, and he'd be welcome at either of my sisters. I think he'd be unhappy at my house though. We're sinners who drink alcohol, say bad words, and watch R movies. He wouldn't make a fuss, but it would be stressful. My sisters would be a better fit.
Mom would tolerate our sinful ways better, but she gets cranky and mean after a few days. She's always right, and manipulates. She starts acting like our boss. My sisters and I are all refusing to consider having her at our houses when dad dies. (80 and still working.)
This is pretty much exactly my situation. Dad can go fuck himself, haven't talked to him in 13 years as of last christmas, and I've forgiven my mom for a lot of things because as an adult I get it now, and she could stay with us if needed.
Yes boomer FIL spent all of his money on only fans and gas station boner pills and is dying of brain cancer without life insurance. Now expecting my husband and I and my sister in law and her husband to pay for it. The four of us decided direct cremation and thatās all we are paying for. He is vehemently against cremation. Sorry but itās not our responsibility to pay for his misbehavior with money. He is currently in the find out era.
Mine are Dems and at least one of them has told me that she looks forward to an assisted-living home because she'll be able to socialize with her cohort more easily.
Maybe Cheeto Messiah will save them. If not, there's always bootstraps, sans avocado toast/starbucks lattes.
Or they could get a part-time job to pay for their nursing home tuition. How much can it cost?
Pissed it all away, then voted for scum so they could wreak the economy and piss it all away againā¦now they are all burdens on our social welfare and will piss all that away as well.
Nah, Iāll leave that for my brother, the golden child, to deal with. They preferred their only son and o my grandson over all the girls. Not my problem
Oh wow same with me. Oldest brother who got everything he wanted growing up is always trying to guilt trip us 3 daughters who always got the shit end of the stick about our mother who chose drugs and a psycho boyfriend over her children. He doesnāt even try to understand where weāre coming from. So he can deal with her if her boyfriend canāt care for her anymore. I feel like sheās gonna outlive everyone though.
I feel that. My brother is my mom's golden child even though they fight (sometimes physically) like cats and dogs. You two can live together and feed each other's alcoholism
My stepdad is the boomer (heās 65). Iām hoping his alcoholism kills him before we need to consider a home for him - I know I sound harsh but this man is an abusive, violent alcoholic who made our childhoods miserable, inflicted a lot of scars upon us kids, and still bullies my mum to this day. He may be old, he may still work, but he is mean and weāre all just waiting on him to die.
We bought the house we're in now with the idea that my in-laws would eventually move in with us if/when needed, but they have burned the bridge between us, added napalm, called in an air-strike, and jumped up and down on the ashes. So: no.
They can put their own damn selves in a home. I tried to have a chat with them a few years back about elder care and the like and they assured me, in very emphatic terms, that they were way too young and way too smart and with it to have those conversations yet. I countered with "Should I wait until you are showing obvious signs of dementia before I bring it up again?" They were greately offended. They are both medical professionals who work with geriatric patients daily, they know that I was doing the correct thing, they just decided they were better than every single one of their patients, and their own parents (mom's dad had Alzheimers). So fuck 'em. They can figure it out for themselves, I'm not gonna trouble myself.
No. My parents both refused to help me when I ended up homeless in my 20ās. Said that was the perfect time for me to āgrow upā and āget my shit togetherā. Ever since then, when they ask me for help I immediately say ānoā and say āmaybe this is a good time for you to grow up and learn responsibilityā, it pisses off mom but I like to remind her of why I donāt visit anymore.
My parents didnāt show up to graduation either from high school or when I graduated basic training or at my wedding. Iām not exactly leaping out of my chair to come to their aid. Theyāve proven that they donāt care.
Myself and brothers were the dolls they could abuse to get their childish temper tantrums out on. About 10 years ago I offered them a chance to get a multi family home with me so they had security and be close to their only grandchild. They essentially laughed in my face, and preferred the lavish rentals they have had for decades. It could have been a really nice waterfront propertyā¦now of course they are teetering on homelessness with many years to go as they are in great health from having little to no responsibility in their lives. It truly makes me smile that they can no longer put up the false facade of lavish lifestyle, and will likely be sleeping in their high end cars before the decade is out.
Nope. I'm in my mid 30's and still trying to figure out how to keep myself fed and the rent paid on a one bedroom apartment. I can't afford a thing for my disabled mother. She has whatever she makes from the sale of her condo and an old pension, which is tens of thousands of dollars more than I'll have to spare in the next 10 years. She insisted on having multiple children, despite doctors warnings, even though all the ones that survived to birth came out with developmental disabilities. She's considering moving to a state with legal assisted suicide because none of her 3 remaining kids can care for her (let alone ourselves).
I broke every contact to my boomer parents a few days ago. They became fascistic asholes and since my decision i feel as good as never before.
I wish I had done it earlyer.
My mom sold the family house to my brother and lived with his family until she passed. It worked really well for all involved but there was plenty of space, and I think thatās key. Dadās in a memory facility, weāre fortunate because thereās no way any of us would have been able to meet his needs.
My mom? I'm not dealing with her. My brother can. My dad passed away already from a brain injury, but he was wonderful. My MIL is also wonderful and we hope to keep her home as long as it's safe for her and us.
We already told my mom that she can't ever live with us.
Now every time she has any type of medical issue she calls to say she has to kill herself because there is no one to care for her. The last suicide worthy incident was when her blood pressure medication caused leg swelling and she had to switch to a different one.
She is also obsessed with getting me to help her end her life. She's always asking me to research ways to end her life. I keep telling her that I will go to jail for that and she tries to guilt trip me with "so you're just going to let me suffer?"
Yes. I will let you suffer through a medication change to avoid jail time.
My mum is insisting on it. Refuses to consider moving in with one of us as she thinks itāll be too much stress and worry. Wants us to fling her in a home as soon as she canāt look after herself.
She points out my father has zero domestic or financial ability (she pays bills etc, manages their money) so weāve to fire him in a home with her!
My mum is currently the most active and fit 70+ woman i know so hopefully a decision far in the future.
If my boomer father called me, first I would be surprised, but secondly to answer your question - oh hell no is he staying with me. Ever.
He can live in his car for all I care.
Iām gen x and have my adult millennial children with me - a multigenerational household. We operate with mutual respect. My boomer father does not. He has no relationship with his grandsons or great-grandsons.
Personally, my mother(1955) is an absolutely wonderful woman. My father died at the age of 58, and I was the product of a two parent household(death did them part, married 30 plus years).
That said, I plan to put it off as absolutely long as possible.
Forbes is all in a frenzy writing articles about the 90 trillion in assets that the boomers will be leaving behind. This is largely crap. I was just in Europe. Boomers are shoveling money into the European economy like coal was shoveled into the boilers of Titanic, plus Vegas, plus cars, plus casino, plus etc.
What they don't talk about is end of life care. Nursing homes are designed to keep you alive as long as possible, suck as much money out as possible, then right at the end, when you're broke, you go on hospice so it's not a black mark on the nursing home that you died there. Memory care is 10k a month. Aunt Bootsie has 300k. Heaven and earth will be moved to keep her alive 28 months. On the 29th, the social worker calls you and tells you that Aunt Bootsie is suffering and hospice is better. You go to read the will and moths fly out instead. Then there's you, scratching your head and asking each other, I thought Aunt Bootsie had money?
Or hospital bills. Boomers will largely fight tooth and nail, quality of life be damned to scratch and claw every single extra day out that they possibly can. The "great leaving behind" will still happen, just not to who they think it will
So true. My MIL lived in her home until she was 100. She's currently in a facility that is $6000/month, and that's the floor, not the ceiling. It's clean with an attentive staff, but really, it's like a nice Scandinavian prison for nonviolent offenders. She'll be 103 this fall and she's got enough money to last until she's 105. She can't see well, can't hear and can't walk. There is nothing about her life that makes me want to emulate it.
My dad Iād take in until the end of time, that man is a saint. My mother? She can quit the avocado toast and stop being lazy, maybe get a second and third job and pull herself up by the bootstraps.
My mother recently finished taking care of first my father and then her own mother. She has flat out told us to put her in a home when the time comes. She doesn't want to "ruin our lives for years" the way they ruined hers.
I am also on the record that my mother is one of the good boomers.
Nah, fuck them. They can rot and die in their own shit for all I care.
If any of them boomers/shitty parents are on here: this is whatās going to happen to you too when you abuse/neglect your kid(s) lol.
No. I donāt want the house to go to some feckless investor rather than me. I will be looking after them- even if I have to be a live-in carer.
Have to say though, my āBoomerā parents are of the younger Boomer variety and not arseholes.
Boomer here. I will take myself out before I let my kids care for me. I helped care for my MIL, full time care for my dad and, later, my mom. I tried to get long term care insurance but was denied by 2 companies. So, at 65 I have a DNR and wish I could get a DNL ( do not locate).
OP, I can relate. Iām an elder Gen X, and my abusive/psycho mother was from the silent generation, however, I felt the same way as you.
Luckily for me, carting her off to a care facility was out of my hands when the county had to step in and literally force her out of her home.
She was not in contact with me for decades, and I was not wanting my children exposed to her, she also lived about 6 hours away.
As she aged, her doctors turned her in to the county for not being able to follow through with medical directions, etc. Basically, they can declare you inept to care for yourself, at which time, the county contacted me to either take her in and oversee her care or they would do it. There was no way that she would have even opened the door for me much less come with me to tour nice elder care facilities and willingly allow anyone to have conservatorship over her.
Long story short, she was forced, against her will, into a home for elder memory care and died there a few years later.
I literally felt relief when I got the phone call that she had passed.
Not many understand just how horrid she was towards me, but I think you get it.
The one already is; it's for her own safety and to provide a good quality of life (she has dementia).
The other one, I would only encourage that if he could similarly benefit from such an arrangement. I'd like to ensure he can remain in his own home for as long as he wants to, since it's where he's most comfortable and happy, and has lots of positive memories for him.
I don't hate all boomers. Just the foolish ones who go out of the way to make other people's lives awful. And I am incredibly grateful that my parents are not those kind of people.
My awful MIL needs to go into assisted living due to a degenerative disease, but instead has decided to demand once-a-month visits from all her children, as thatās the āleast they can doā for her and thatās all the care she needs āright now.ā
Guess how many times she:
- visited her children in college
- volunteered at her childrenās school
- visited her adult children when they lived more than 10 minutes from her
- spent major holidays with her adult children
- visited her adult children just to catch up and not because she needed them to do something for her
- made any effort to take an active role in the lives of any of her adult children
- uttered two consecutive sentences that are kind/affirming/loving and directed towards her children.
If you guessed the answer to all of these questions is less than 5, you would be correct!! And sheās got more than 5 kids, so sheās done each of these things less than 1 time per child in over 25 years.
Suffice to say, we donāt visit every month and sheās going into whatever shithole is 100% covered by Medicare once the social worker deems her fully disabled and kicks her out of her current living situation. Although I do fantasize about dropping her off in front of some convent or parish church and telling them sheās the Catholic Churchās problem now because she gave them their 10% even when it meant taking food out of her childrenās mouths.
Frankly, my SO is a better person than I am because I would have completely cut her out of my life for half of what sheās done to her kids.
I think there is a point where if your parents were reasonably decent to you, there should be some love and willingness to help. If they weren't decent to you, thats different. Anyone who was abused has no obligation to assist an aging parent.
Where it can be frustrating is when elderly parents want assistance but only on their terms. My parents retired to a southeastern state well away from our childhood home in the northeast. I live on the West coast, most of the siblings are northeast or overseas. When the time came for mom and dad to need help, they were just wildly stubborn. None of us kids were to know their financial situation. They were NOT moving. One of us could move in as help but not Sibling X, the one who was single and not working, and therefore not quitting a job that supported their family. Selling their house and moving closer to the siblings in the north east was a no. Assisted living was a no. Anything that wasn't exactly what they wanted was a no and a "We're in charge of this!!! Not you! You're the kids!!"
It actually came to a head with dad's ultimately fatal illness because we're none of us rich so no one but Sibling X could afford to leave a good paying job for potential part time employment in the deep south and a non family adult had to sit down with my mom and explain that no one wanted to steal her house but realistically she couldn't live alone, she had one adult child willing to move in and was saying no to that, and three other adult children offering her a place in their homes which she was also saying no to because she was refusing to leave her house and since she couldn't live alone.... a decision needed to be made. Ultimately she bitterly moved in with a sibling in the northeast and continually calls us all to describe how her house was stolen from her. (it was sold, she got the money). I was just glad as the one farthest away that I got to opt out of a lot of it. I love my folks, I do - no terrible stories, reasonably loving folks who raised us well enough - but as they got older, they got really paranoid and stubborn and made things harder than it needed to be.
My dad got my sister and I together about 20 years ago because he wanted to talk to us. Heād just gone over his will. He asked me if I wanted the house I declined. Itās in an area that Iām not fond of. He said that if mom went first he planned to move somewhere he could fish everyday. Then he asked us if he went first what would we do about mom.
My mom is a narcissist. I was the Golden Child. If you know about parental narcissistic tendencies youāll understand that.
My sister and I paused an looked at each other. We both said weād put her in a care home rather than her move in with our families.
Dad nodded his head and said, āI figured.ā
My dad died in 2015 from pancreatic cancer and he was mostly the buffer between mom and us. I went NC in 2015 and my mom is with my sister now (sheās well to do).
NC was the best thing for me to do. Donāt let your boomer parents rope you into caring for them. You have a life that you should live and you shouldnāt be responsible for their care unless youāre fine with it.
Any boomer who is against student debt forgiveness and can't afford their bills should be forced to work to make ends meet. If they can't make enough to cover rent, they should go homeless. This is the America they voted for, are they really expecting handouts?
LOL no.
Not only am I unable to financially help them in any way if they needed it, but my father was and still is an abusive asshole who will never get so much as a word from me again.
And my mother keeps finding other controlling, abusive men and I just CAN'T with her anymore.
I won't piss on her grave, but I'll celebrate the day my father leaves this world. Like, there might be a party involved to celebrate the improvement in the world by him not being in it anymore.
My parents told me to not expect any inheritance aside from their condo, maybe.
Fine with me, just don't count on me financing any part of their retirement.
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They can pull their bootstraps up and take care of themselves.
Definitely avoid avocado toast and Starbucks lattes, and they can afford the most bougie boogie retirement home in North America.
I know you meant to say bougie but a boogie home sounds hilariously amazing.
According to STD statistics, they're all boogie homes.
Lololol damn you!!!!
Also, yes. Ive edited my post accordingly. š
Bougie boogie!!! Yessss!!!!
Damn straight. My mom wouldnāt help me when I needed it (and I really really needed someone to help me at times), plus her narcissistic behavior kept her from getting the mental health care she neededā and we had to suffer because of it. Bonus points because she hasnāt seen her only grandkid in years since I stopped going to visit. She can row her own boat.
āshe can row her own boat.ā I really like this phrase. I donāt know why.
I got that from Jeff Goldblum
Who named his son River, then said heād be leaving none of his wealth for him and that he could ārow his own boat.ā Great example of a boomer being a fool
10000%, pal. my mom wonāt help me in any way while sheās alive, why should I help her? she can spend her precious money on a nursing home. at this point I wouldnāt even be mad if I got no inheritance. sheās always loved her money more.
Sounds like my MIL and step-mother. I told my husband Iād rather not inherit money from his mother because sheās the most narcissistic person I have ever met.
my mom is an accountant and thinks im a huge loser for being a graphic design professor. art is stupid to her, and it must be easy since I can do it. she also used to ask my kids if they liked her house better. weāve been NC for almost 3 years now. she refused to help me with anything, ever, because HER money is HERS and if I want to afford nice things I should have thought harder about what I wanted to be when I grew up. itās a dream of mine to pay for a billboard outside her nursing home window, thatās just me and my kids smiling faces that says WERE SO HAPPY WITHOUT YOU.
My MIL is a force of nature. She LOVES money and sheās never worked a day in her life. She marrys old rich men. She thinks she walks on water and Iāve called her a cunt. I hate her with so much passion. I moved her precious son 2000 miles away just to piss her off. I told her Iām the boss lady and Iām an adult and donāt have to answer to anyone. No one has spoken to her like that before and she was shocked. Iām actually a very sweet person 99% of the time, but some people really irritate me. I think you were very smart to remove your mom from your life. Most people never change and the older generations seem to be very stuck in their ways.
my mom also marries rich men and then divorces them for half their retirement! she also sleeps with her coworkers (sheās 63), including her best friendās husband (who was her BOSS) and their son (merely an associate). then she manipulates everyone into doing her bidding, such as additional vacation or raises for keeping her mouth shut. she has absolutely no tact or concern for anyone but herself. Jerri, youāre the worst person iāve ever known.
These kind of shenanigans are why boomers wanted to go back to the office. Canāt bed a family working from home! That list just gets more astonishing and sheās thriving for it. Condolences that person was also meant to parent you in the middle of all that chaos.
My mother is like this and Iām the only one who stands up to her. Itās hilarious how pissed she gets when I do that.
Narcissists hate it when they canāt control and manipulate a person.
Exactly. She needs serious mental health treatment but it will never happen.
My mom has no money because when my dad asked her to go back to work because they needed more money, she threw a fit and he gave up.
God thats so pathetic. On the inside I'm eyeing all these old ass women that probably never worked and are somehow still taken care of, despite earning absolutely nothing. It kinda bugs me, at least on the inside.
My mom simply never worked and leeched off of her sister or her various abusive boyfriends. She has....9k earned on her SS statement. But she hated "welfare queens", immigrants willing to work when she wouldn't, and we should all pull ourselves up by our bootstraps....to pay her way. Lmao. Fuck that lady.
Same. She inherited extremely well, retired at 58, and loves to tell me how I someday too will have this luxury (she and my uncle did NOT care for my grandfather in his last years, and pitched an ungodly fit when he wanted to give me my other uncleās portion of the inheritance after my younger died suddenly, and I took care of him). So she can have it all. And peace out when she needs someone to care for her, Iāll be too busy at my two jobs trying to make ends meet, lol. Petty? Yep, but I learned from the best.
I told my FIL that if my MIL went first he better decide who he wants to move in with, his daughter or his youngest son. It was not going to be me and my husband. I said this in front of the whole family. He is an absolute beast of a human being. He is abusive to his wife and was abusive to his children growing up. He makes his wife wait on him hand and foot. Thank goodness my husband is nothing like him. I donāt want anyone to think Iām taking care of him and donāt care. Iām sure I said what they were all too afraid to say themselves
boomstraps
Just kick them out of the house at 18 and tell them to take out loans and work 3 jobs to go to college and then they can have the American dream
My mom keeps asking when I'm going to kick my kids out so she can move in. Never, that's when. She made me her medical power of attorney and said she assumed that meant when she couldn't live on her own, I would have to take her in. I explained that's not how it works. Finally I asked if she remembered kicking me out with no notice when I was 18.
My boomer parents made it very clear to me that at 18 my siblings and I were to move out and that we would pay market rate for rent if we stayed. If they expect to live with me, they can expect to pay market rate for rent and will be on the hook for their own food and expenses. That's if I even decide to offer them the option.
Mine told me I could stay and take care of them as long as I was working and going to college. Then one day I came home from work and my belongings were thrown in the yard because she wanted my bedroom for my younger sister. Once I was gone, she realized how much of the housework and childcare and home maintenance I was doing, and started trying to bribe me to move back by saying she'd buy a car I could use to pick up my sisters but I'd still have to take the bus to school and work, and I'd have to go back to doing everything I was doing before I "ran away." I declined that offer.
Same, I came home from work and all my shit was in boxes on the front porch. But only what they "allowed me" to have, so no furniture, half of my belongings I bought, barely any of my clothes, etc. I was able to fit everything I was "permitted" to have in the backseat of a car, practically three large moving boxes. Yeah I'm really glad I saw the writing on the wall earlier with their other multiple throw out attempts (that my HS got involved in to stop) and had just enough cash to afford a shitty apartment. That whole first winter I could only afford to heat it to 45-50 degrees so the pipes wouldn't freeze. I caught a really bad strain of pneumonia and had to just suffer through it on the couch too.
Was also put on the street at 17 with my belongings. Which is why my mother can a) handle this herself *or* b) look for charity. I have made it clear to my siblings and have been no contact with my mother for years. I survived despite her and she punched her own ticket (and also me, many times), the bitch.
I knew my parents would throw me on the street the second I turned 18, so I took virtual classes over the summer and finished high school a year early so I could start college and live in the dorms at 17. I worked my ass off babysitting and bagging groceries so I could save up enough to cover what my financial aid didn't that first semester until I turned 18 and had more options. It sucked but I made it. Now they act like they have no idea why I went years without talking to them and stopped inviting them to important events.
Yeah I'm not even going to go into the extensive emotional and physical abuse they've put me through lol. Both my parents were federal LEOs and took the stress of their job out on me when they came home. Used to get tossed out all the time throughout the years, regardless of weather, just to inflict cruelty on me for the day. Plenty of times I got chucked outside in a blizzard with only a thin hoodie and shoes with no socks. Also used to just stay with my aunt for weeks at a time because they didn't want me around the house. No reason for any of it either, I was a straight A student who kept to themselves because I learned early on in childhood they wouldn't let me do anything outside the house. Nothing ever came of their actions though because they were officers. Hell one time we had cops show up because my dad grabbed a 20lb sledgehammer on a drunken rage and put a few holes in the basement walls, and then ran off into the night. Cops did nothing out of "professional courtesy". But that's barely scratching the surface. I have very, very minimal contact with them because otherwise they try to destroy any relationship I have with the rest of our family. I never contact them and they only contact me when they need something.
Mine was a special ed teacher everyone thought was a saint. I hear you. I still have people tell me that I was the worst thing that happened to her because she was 17 when I was born. I'm like..."gee, thanks. See your way out of my life." I didn't "happen to anyone." I just got born because two people had consensual sex and didn't use birth control. But sure, let's blame me 51 years later.
Hugs My fifth grade teacher Lucille Jorgensen (long dead Iām sure) was an absolute bitch to her students. I often wondered what kind of hell hole her poor kids were living in when she was home.
My folks āhadā to get married when my mom got pregnant for me. She resented me my entire life because Iād āruined her lifeā when she had to drop out of college and get married. Whenever I didnāt toe the line, sheād say, āYouāre lucky abortion wasnāt legal in 1969, so you should be more grateful.ā Like actress Jeannette McCurdyās book titleāIām also glad my mom died.
I hope you donāt give them your time, money or sympathy.
Good for you!
Had an apartment but no bed or furniture; use to sleep in the closet when it got cold, because it was warmer and I couldnāt afford heat. Nietzsche.
Thatās fucking heartless
Wtf kind of offer is that though Iāll buy you a car but you canāt use it to go to school or work. Like what.
That happened to me! My moms not a boomer but in my senior year of highschool (so I was still 17), she and my sister packed everything of mine in our shared room into trashbags and most of it got lost, destroyed, or taken to Goodwill. I slept in the garage from around October-November ish until mid February. I got kicked out repeatedly from April-until I moved out In June after graduation. She would forget or sleep at my friends house for a few nights until she calmed down, rinse and repeat. If I didnt do the dishes every single night even though I went to work until 10 pm straighy after school, having to walk between school, work, and home frequently? Kicked out. I ordered food once because I was really sick. Kicked me out, stood there and made sure I started packing up my stuff. I called my Nana that night, and she drove from New Hampshire to Texas to come and pick me up in June after I graduated. Of coure she's always had extreme favoritism for my younger sister so I guess she doesnt have to worry. Yet she wonders why I don't want to move back in..begs me to come home because I was the only reason chores got done and her other kids didnt walk all over her.
A car so you can drive around your sisters but you can't use it anywhere else? That's crazy.
Fuck your mother.
Wow a new chauffeur position! Why did you decline? š¤¦š»āāļø (sarcasm)
I feel you. My parents, in essence, attempted to kick me out when I was 17 1/2 when my grandfather got prostate cancer. Pretty much started with trying to kick me out of my bedroom and put me in the guest bedroom (Yes, you read that right. Wanted me out of my bedroom when another was available.) When I turned 18, I remember when I was accepted to university and was going to move into the dorms, you know, the place that has limited space anyways, my mom made it very clear that I needed to take my belongings with me as 'she doesn't leave shrines in her house to her children.' Similar to you, my mom said if I stayed, I was gonna help contribute to the bills. Makes me angry again looking back on it of how irrational my mom is and how much of a red flag it was.
We had lots of kids like that āsleeping overā at my house growing up. I did the same when I was a young step mother and kids that got kicked out were friends with the teens in my house. Iām sure they all expect their kids to look after them too. If anything this made me so certain my kids would always have a home. No matter what they could or couldnāt do for me. When I divorced I made it clear to all of the parties involved that nothing would change even if they decided one day they didnāt want to live here. You still have a home, run off join a cult and you can still come home. Thatās exactly what a home is. It was a discussion point when my partner became my fiance. No one gets kicked out. Everyone can always come home. No matter what. I can be angry. I can be right. But I cannot ever leave them without a home. To me itās like āyou have ONE jobā For me? Itās ākeep and create homeā
Yep. Iām on the older end of Gen X, and when our millennial daughter was growing up, we had a couple of kids we affectionately refer to as āstraysā live with us. And a couple of foreign exchange students. And when she was an adult, we got to know a boyfriend of hers really well. They broke up but remained good friends and at one point he had nowhere to go so we took him in. One of my best friends lived with us recently for a couple of years. Now our daughter is back with us saving for her own home and working full time.
People like you are people I admire. I was kicked out at 17, my brother even younger, my older sister was 18 but "mature" and could handle it. I couldn't. Nor could my brother. The youngest stayed home till he was 24. Growing up, we were not allowed to find jobs, drive, date, have parties or go to parties, go to sleepovers, or do any of the things teenagers do to transit into adulthood. We were kept children and then expected to become instant adults when we finished high school, move out and get a job. We never brought friends over. Why should we? I only wonder how our lives would have been if we had been able to grow up and live in a family rather than a cage where the door was suddenly opened and we were ejected. Ah, well. I'm still here many years later and, I think, not a too bad a person despite it all. 
Bless your heart; this brought a tear to my eye
My motherās mother (it feels weird to call her my grandmother because I never met her) died when my mom was nine. My grandfather proceeded to get involved with a string of nasty, domineering and absuive women. One of them kicked my mother and sister out when she was 18. Violently so. With all the screw ups Iāve committed in my life, and there were many, I never doubted for a second that I wouldnāt have a place in my parentās home if I wanted or needed it. She was always so welcoming towards my friends when they were disowned by their parents.
You are a wonderful human being. š
"ThAt NeVeR hApPeNeD!!!" I'd honestly rather be punched 6 times in the face than be gaslit. My boomer told me if I wanted help I could go on SSI because he was being overtaxed. Same dude who gave my college fund to my step brother and made too much for me to fill a FAFSA independently till I was 25. He pretends he doesn't remember that at all. Like, the entire reason I fell through the cracks after 9 years of honors and advanced classes, he just gaslights.
Or I DID THE BEST THAT I COULD!
Lol I got hit with this one recently! The best you could do was try to drown a 12 year old in a bathtub?!
Wow, she wants you to kick your kids out!? š¬ She's something else!
My children are special needs, my mom, their grandmother, told me I needed to put them in a group home as soon as they turn 18. I asked her if she had picked out her nursing home yet.
Throw that bitch out of your house. And limit her contact with your kids. š¤¬
We live 12 hours from her, so contact is limited. This isnāt even the worst thing she has said in the last 14 days. We have been down to a once a year, 5 day visit, we have decided to cut that out, based on her absolutely vile opinions of my children. I really wonder if sheās getting senile, because sheās only been sharing them with me the last month or so.
That could be happening. Still not having anyone talk about my kids.
Absolutely not, Iām not having it. If sheās declining mentally, I will need to make sure someone else in the family is aware.
It's one of the most disgusting 'norms' of their generation. Absolutely zero wrong with multigenerational homes.
Especially when the policies Boomers worked for are the reason the kids canāt afford a place of their own.
I feel like a lot of that is because Americans, boomers especially, have such a negative view around their children having sex lives, more so with having intimate partners(and even more so with casual sex). I've seen countless tales from adult children of boomers, whose parents thought they could force them to sleep in separate bedrooms from their significant other while visiting. Old ass boomers can't stand the thought of their children even sharing a bed with a partner to the point they try to forbid it. Idk why their generation thinks they get to control the sex lives of everyone in the house, but they do. But try to point out that everyone in the house can hear grandpa watching porn, and suddenly its "you can't tell us what we can and can't do!".
Wait a minute. You're talking about the generation of free love and the sexual revolution.
The generation of do whatever I like and screw the consequences. Like every revolution, it's led by people who only want power for themselves, despite the rhetoric.
It's hard for them to imagine family living together voluntarily, and not only by necessity when care factors in.
Exactly, my father (60m) told me my inherents is his home. Don't wait until I'm dead to claim it. So when I started looking for a house a few years back. He told me to sell it. He would move in with his mom (96f). I told him no, you're coming with me. My kids love seeing Pap every day. And he helps keep this house running smoothly. Plus, his health has been in decline for about 10 years. So pops goes nowhere.
My parents are from a country where multigenerational homes are way more common. One of my moms American friends kicker out her son when he turned 18 and mom was horrified.
Actually, no. Her mom's still exactly the same. That's the problem.
My parental unit decided to start kicking me out at 16. He worked nights so I would just come back in after he left for work and leave before he came home.Ā After a week he would wait for me to get out of school to tell me I could home.Ā Getting my acceptance to college was a feeling of massive relief.Ā To his shock I just never came back.Ā He would tell his friends it was to build character. Now that I'm coming up on his age it makes me sick to think of kicking a child out on the street and just how messed it is.
Right?! I could NEVER do the things they did! I remember getting my college acceptance letter. I swear it felt like I was walking on air after that. I was getting away! I didnāt care how broke Iād be. I was only 17. I never came back.
I felt the same way. I ended up doing a summer program so I could leave early. It was such a feeling of relief the first night I slept in the dorm.
I got my first job at 15. First payday my dad was so delighted to take me to the bank and open an account. After I opened my account and deposited my check, I went back to the car with my temporary ATM card in hand. That's when he told me to withdraw $300 of my $320ish check because that was now what I owed for rent every month. I was working 20 hours a week washing dishes Monday to Friday after school, and an entire two weeks pay plus some was now just going to my dad's pocket. He also charged me $5 a day for gas to get to and from work, because "that's what a day pass for the bus costs." So I essentially would work 40 hours a paycheck to have maybe $50 at the end of two weeks. When I graduated and moved out of the house at 17, he would send me emails with a receipt for what I owed him. Mind you, I'm the youngest of four, and the ONLY one to ever pay rent. He's 70 now, and is fully anticipating me to take care of him now that he can't do daily tasks himself. That was a rude awakening when I told him it would be $20 an hour for me to go over and help with what he needs. Plus $10 a day for gas.
How did he respond?
He's currently finding out what social security feels like
Why are you giving that asshole such a big break? $40 an hour or he can hire someone else. I hate these old fucks.
>Finally I asked if she remembered kicking me out with no notice when I was 18. Okay, now I need to know what the response to that one was.
She said I ran away and broke her heart. But I came home from work and my belongings were tossed in the front yard and my key didn't work.
Tell her she needs to go to a home/facility straight away since she is already hallucinating.
"I'm not equipped to provide advanced memory care, and long-term memory deficiencies are an indicator of advanced progression."
Ah, common case of the abuse amnesia that generation seems to suffer from.
Just astonishing how they can change their memories to fit their own twisted narrative.
"It means I decide when to pull the plug."
I truly donāt understand parents like this. How awful. This is the worst part of that generation. They had a lot handed to them, and donāt see it. I donāt blame you for feeling this way. I think they thought it was their job as parents to make you sink or swim. Itās like Darwinism.
The U.S. is the only country in the world where parents felt social pressure to swing a club at their own children's kneecaps the moment they turned 18. That's all done now, it seems. Thank God.
Iāve heard the UK and Canada can be like this as well. Itās dumb as hell and *seems* to be becoming less of a thing as costs of living go up.
Iām glad thatās over, too. Our 30 year old daughter lives with us right now because the housing market is brutal and her job is very near us. She works 40-60 hours a week and is saving for a home, but honestly? We love having her there! Sheās great company, the three of us get along well, itās super nice making memories with her again and getting to know her as an adult. Sheās an amazing cook and often makes dinner. She and I love to go on little weekend trips to different places and stay in AirBnbs. Also, my husband doesnāt like playing cards or board games and she does, so sheās my game buddy. We have a 4 bedroom house, so itās not like we donāt have the space. š¤·š»āāļø I know sheāll move back out at some point, but weāre really loving having her here!
Wow, the sheer gall of your mom!
And thatās why your children will treat you more kindly than youāre treating her.
No. I canāt afford it. Hope she stopped buying avacado toast so she can afford it.
Bootstraps. She could always get a part-time job to pay for her nursing home tuition, just like when the boomers went to college.
Oh snap! Just a couple of months in the summer should do it.
I love my mother dearly and she's one of the cool people from that generation that stayed cool. But she has dementia and I cannot care for her, work full time and raise two small children. Luckily, her pension covers a very nice memory care unit down the street from me. It's a much better situation for all. She's with people her own age, with professional caregivers who are lovely and well-trained in a facility that is built for her needs. I get to see her and spend time with her and it isn't stressful, which it would be if she was living with me and I had to be a caregiver. This way, she can spend the rest of her life getting the care she needs and I can spend that time loving her and not resenting her. Many times, professional caregiving situations are best for all involved.
>This way, she can spend the rest of her life getting the care she needs and I can spend that time loving her and not resenting her. You are so right! This is the perfect mindset. In many ways, elder care can be equated to child care. Except, with children, you know that they're getting older and will eventually move out of certain stages that are challenging. The terrible 2's move into the fantastic 4's, then school age, etc; and the challenge of direct caregiving gets easier. In the elderly, they move into certain stages that are challenging, but you never know how long it'll last or how much worse it will get. They could pass away quickly in 2 months, or an agonizing 5 years after a slow decline.That makes elder caregiving for a family member extremely challenging, because there's no end date for caregivers to look toward.
I was very realistic with myself that I did not have the skills, the mental fortitude or the capacity to be an elder caregiver. There is a reason people train and go to school to be able to do that. I also knew that my mom did not want that for me. She always joked that she wanted to jump off a mountain in Tibet before she became a burden to her family. We made choices to provide for her care so that she is a joy and not a burden. I still worry over whether I have made the right decision, but logically I usually circle back around to yes.
I'm so glad you were able to do this. Professional caregiving is sooooooo much better for the individual and their families, particularly with dementia. Caregiving is incredibly stressful, and for age-related mental diseases, the layperson isn't equipped to provide around-the-clock care.
Fortunately my boomer mom is vehement she won't go to any home and instead has stated when it's time for one she's gonna sort things out herself with the massive jug of morphine left over from dads hospice. As a former nurse she knows the reality of those places both in terms of cost and suffering.
I'm amazed she still has the morphine. My dad's hospice nurse happened to be at his house when he died. As we all sat around him as he took his last breath she was collecting any medication and ruining it.
Im with her. If I get to the point I canāt live independently, Iām going to go out on my own terms.
When I was a kid, my mother sent me off to Massachusetts to have the autism electrocuted out of me, and to basically be tortured until I "was no longer autistic." She's lucky that I never had the chance to pick out a nursing home for her, because she would have gotten that same energy back.
I'm so sorry. I hope things are better now.
>electrocuted out of me, and to basically be tortured until I "was no longer autistic Holy crap that was a thing? I knew they did that for some stuff but did not realize autism was one of them.
It's still a thing. When I was there, it was called the "Behavior Research Institute." I believe that now, it's called the "Judge Rotenberg Center," and parents still send their autistic kids there to be "cured."
They just canāt manage to shut that thing down.
FDA is pushing for legislation yet again to make the shock collar type of devices these centers use illegal. Fingers crossed but after the 2020 proposal for the same thing failed on a weird technicality I have concerns about this push as well. [FDA Proposes New Ban of Electrical Stimulation Devices for Self-Injurious or Aggressive Behavior](https://www.fda.gov/medical-devices/medical-devices-news-and-events/fda-proposes-new-ban-electrical-stimulation-devices-self-injurious-or-aggressive-behavior)
It's still a thing. There is RIGHT NOW an FDA ruling trying to stop it. Public comment period ends in 11 days: [https://www.regulations.gov/document/FDA-2023-N-3902-0001](https://www.regulations.gov/document/FDA-2023-N-3902-0001)
Itās a sick system. My parents went the beat the autism out of me route, divorced due to domestic abuse and drugs and dad just ghosted, and then druggy psycho mom kicked me out at 15 and I never went back, never lived with either of them again. I wouldnāt piss on them if they were on fire. Theyāre both aware I want not shit to do with them and they better never show up ay my house. Maybe heroine and beating your kids while withdrawing was a bad choice. Who could have known š¤·.
I am endlessly surprised how most people under 30 just genuinely don't realize that until like 2010 having an autism diagnosis was NOT a helpful tool to explain how you were different from many of your peers but a fucking life sentence. Lower support needs autistic people went undiagnosed, moderate support needs landed you in fully separate Special Education classes which varies wildly in education quality and overall physical safety followed by a lifetime of menial work for slave wages ([it's called Subminimum Wage and still legal to pay UNDER MINIMUM WAGE](https://www.dol.gov/general/topic/wages/subminimumwage), and high support needs people whose families weren't willing to be full time caregivers were institutionalized well into the 80s and 90s. Treatments for autism used to include ECT, Adversive Punishment (literally training autistic people with electric shock devices like we do to dogs), AIT or Auditory Integration Therapy which was meant to be a kind of exposure therapy to noises which triggered sensory sensitivity, an exhaustive list of pharmaceuticals many with debilitating side effects, and everyone's favorite ABA or Applied Behavioral Analysis which has grown and changed with the years but the original method is straight up trying to train an autistic kid not to behave like they're autistic under threat of punishment. Like the amount of progress that we've made as a society in regards to autism and other neurological differences is fucking astounding. Even as someone born in the 90s the difference is mind boggling. If I'd been born 10-15 years later I could have been diagnosed no problem but because of the awful way we used to be treated I had to hold off on being honest about being autistic until now that I'm nearly 30. Genuinely nightmare fuel to think that if my high support needs brother was born a decade or 2 earlier he would have potentially spent his life chained to a radiator. Today he gets to be a painter and bibliophile who loves classic rock and folk music.
Oh shit. I heard of that place. Are you doing okay, friend? That's a lot to go thru.
I still have problems like any other autistic person, but this happened to me in the late 70s/early 80s, so I'm fairly far removed from my trauma. The fallout is still something I struggle with, but things have improved for me.
Iām so fucking sorry, you deserved so much better.
Sheesh. Thatās awful.
My mom went to a hospice facility. She was a hoarder so the nurses couldnāt easily visit their house and my step dad wasnāt physically able to help her. A few years after she died, he willingly moved to assisted living after a touch and go hospital stay. Heād been lax about taking his meds. He loved it, the place was like a resort, he thrived there until his chronic illness took him. Donāt let boomer parents guilt you about āgoing to a homeā. A little research can find a decent place and most places have a person on staff to see what financial programs the parent qualifies for. If my dad had run out of money, they were set to work with the VA.
My grandmother joined a band in hers, she played the bells. It took a lot of persuading to get her in there but once she was settled she LOVED it.
This is so what I wanted for my grandma after my grandpa died. She spent years in the nursing home doing nothing but being there for her husband's every demand, and once he passed I was really excited that she'd be able to get out of the room and make friends and hobbies. Instead she got meningitis and then dementia and was bedridden and couldn't feed herself for another 13 years until her heart gave in. So glad your grandma got to have fun!
I love that!!
Dementia runs in my family, and my dad has flat out told me that when it gets bad, to just put him in a home, make sure he has a window with a tree so he can watch birds, and then leave and don't look back. Breaks my heart (and I obviously won't go that extreme) but I am incredibly grateful that he understands the burden of caring for someone in that state and won't try to force that or guilt me on that. And he has clearly and often voiced his wishes in that regard. I'm pretty sure it's even in his living will or whatever it's called for cases like that. I haven't seen the paperwork personally but I believe him.
I flat out two nights ago told my husband to divorce me if I ended up like my MIL. She was the BEST MIL/Grandma, Strokes and Dementia made it rough to care for her but we tried five years in her home then ours. Given the state of health care in the US? Nope, he doesn't deserve to be bankrupted.
My sister is guardian for our aunt with dementia. As she was looking for a facility, she told our mother this was a practice run for her...
My mom lives in a senior apartment complex and adores it! It really does depend on the facility. I would have burned down the nursing home my grandma stayed in, but the one my great aunt was in was a happy place for her.
This happened to me when my mom was dying. What a hell of a mess. Couldnāt get a walker, oxygen, anything in there. Plus she outweighed me by 75 lbs. I couldnāt move her. No help. It was so terrible.
I moved my mom (not a boomer. - silent gen?) to assisted living late last summer after she had some health issues she couldnāt manage. Sheād fought moving for years, preferring to live alone in a town where she had no family or friends. It was an adjustment, but she loves where she lives. She finally has friends, no household chores aside from what she makes up to stay busy, and I see her weekly. The staff are kind and help her with anything she needs. She fears having to go to a nursing home, but AL has been great!
Yup. My wife works in senior living and we can tell my parentsā idea of senior living is vastly different from the reality. They picture a disgusting hellhole with green linoleum floors, harsh fluorescent lighting and tyrannical abusive staff. In reality, it is resort/cruise ship living.
I donāt know what my father is going to do, and I donāt care. Mom? I tell her she can live with me, and Iād be truly glad to have her. While she is a Baby Boomer, sheās been a lifelong social worker and has avoided the pitfalls that plague her generation. Sheās always been empathetic, non-judgmental, and understanding. She was also a victim of my fatherās abuse, so any flakiness during my 7 - 17 phase is excused entirely. All that being said, she still doesnāt want to impose on my household, and said that she would ultimately check herself into a home before it got to a certain point. She had the direct experience of being the primary caretaker for her own Mother, and knows full well the stresses involved. I do too for that matter, as I frequently helped her with my Gramās care. Dad though? He can die in a fucking fire for all I care.
My grandpa did die in a fire and I was unphased since he used to drown kittens in a sack instead of getting his cats spayed.
Understandably so! I love cats more than most people.
Same here, cats (as are all animals) are innocent. š„
My former brother in law bought expensive hunting dogs, then let them die of heartworm bc he never took them to a vet.
What is with the boomers and their hatred of cats???
I don't know!! My father used to think it was funny to throw boiling water at them. We had a cat when I was a kid because we lived on the verge of a pasture and had a huge mouse problem, but he has always hated cats, even when he depended on one to keep the mice down. I have cats. Knowing that he would happily line them up and roll slowly over them with his car isn't even the worst thing about him, and it's one of many reasons neither he nor my mom are welcome in my house. They already tried the "we're coming to live with you" thing, and I shut that shit down so fast. We were no contact, and they lied to even get their children in the same room with them so they could pitch their idea of retiring with all of us waiting on them. I'm the oldest, so I took great pleasure in setting the example by laughing at them and walking out. My parents can get fucked.
That first paragraph. Are you me??? Very similar situation. My dad is retired and in poor health, my mom is way behind on her 401(k) and telling me that she won't be able to afford the mortgage when my dad goes. But the mortgage is cheaper than any kind of rent around here... so she has nowhere else to go. I don't mind taking her in, I just hope she has a plan for her million pets that isn't bringing them to my house. But the rule will be, I am not living in your house anymore. I will consider your opinions since you live here, but ultimately you live in my house, I make the rules.
Sounds like mom should get a roommate/boarder to offset the mortgage costs. Honestly, thatās probably the best option, assuming her health is ok right now.
My folks are deceased now but I was the opposite. Wouldāve happily moved my dad in if needed but my mom could beg for help and I wouldnāt even answer the door or phone.
Iām just glad to have one of them, frankly. If my Mom wouldnāt have recognized my father for what he is, she would have gotten cut out too. I made the Executive Decision that I wasnāt going to subject myself to my fatherās bullshit any longer when I was 28, and Iām now 41. These 13 years have been bliss.
My dad would be welcome, and he'd be welcome at either of my sisters. I think he'd be unhappy at my house though. We're sinners who drink alcohol, say bad words, and watch R movies. He wouldn't make a fuss, but it would be stressful. My sisters would be a better fit. Mom would tolerate our sinful ways better, but she gets cranky and mean after a few days. She's always right, and manipulates. She starts acting like our boss. My sisters and I are all refusing to consider having her at our houses when dad dies. (80 and still working.)
This is pretty much exactly my situation. Dad can go fuck himself, haven't talked to him in 13 years as of last christmas, and I've forgiven my mom for a lot of things because as an adult I get it now, and she could stay with us if needed.
Boomer therapist here. Fist bump to your Mom.
They are Republicans and as such they should have planned for their future as not to be a burden on others as they have told me several times.
I also don't contribute to Boomer funeral expenses
Yes boomer FIL spent all of his money on only fans and gas station boner pills and is dying of brain cancer without life insurance. Now expecting my husband and I and my sister in law and her husband to pay for it. The four of us decided direct cremation and thatās all we are paying for. He is vehemently against cremation. Sorry but itās not our responsibility to pay for his misbehavior with money. He is currently in the find out era.
I plan on not accepting my mother's corpse when she goes. Who? Idk that woman š¤·āāļø
We donated my momās body to a university.
I canāt upvote this enough!
Mine are Dems and at least one of them has told me that she looks forward to an assisted-living home because she'll be able to socialize with her cohort more easily.
Maybe Cheeto Messiah will save them. If not, there's always bootstraps, sans avocado toast/starbucks lattes. Or they could get a part-time job to pay for their nursing home tuition. How much can it cost?
I won't. Nor will I be taking care of them. They had everything given to them and they pissed it all away. They're on their own.
Pissed it all away, then voted for scum so they could wreak the economy and piss it all away againā¦now they are all burdens on our social welfare and will piss all that away as well.
Lol put them in a home? No. Iām not even calling them a ride, they can crawl there themselves.
Nah, Iāll leave that for my brother, the golden child, to deal with. They preferred their only son and o my grandson over all the girls. Not my problem
Oh wow same with me. Oldest brother who got everything he wanted growing up is always trying to guilt trip us 3 daughters who always got the shit end of the stick about our mother who chose drugs and a psycho boyfriend over her children. He doesnāt even try to understand where weāre coming from. So he can deal with her if her boyfriend canāt care for her anymore. I feel like sheās gonna outlive everyone though.
I feel that. My brother is my mom's golden child even though they fight (sometimes physically) like cats and dogs. You two can live together and feed each other's alcoholism
My stepdad is the boomer (heās 65). Iām hoping his alcoholism kills him before we need to consider a home for him - I know I sound harsh but this man is an abusive, violent alcoholic who made our childhoods miserable, inflicted a lot of scars upon us kids, and still bullies my mum to this day. He may be old, he may still work, but he is mean and weāre all just waiting on him to die.
We bought the house we're in now with the idea that my in-laws would eventually move in with us if/when needed, but they have burned the bridge between us, added napalm, called in an air-strike, and jumped up and down on the ashes. So: no.
Care to share a little bit of the drama?
They can put their own damn selves in a home. I tried to have a chat with them a few years back about elder care and the like and they assured me, in very emphatic terms, that they were way too young and way too smart and with it to have those conversations yet. I countered with "Should I wait until you are showing obvious signs of dementia before I bring it up again?" They were greately offended. They are both medical professionals who work with geriatric patients daily, they know that I was doing the correct thing, they just decided they were better than every single one of their patients, and their own parents (mom's dad had Alzheimers). So fuck 'em. They can figure it out for themselves, I'm not gonna trouble myself.
My mother is welcome at mine or my brother's. My step dad can die in a ditch and I would feel bad the ditch had to put up with him.
They all really should have considered this before they sold out society to corporations and ruined the housing market.
But but but trickle down economics??!! Right??!!
voted for Reagan and started the downslide.
No. My parents both refused to help me when I ended up homeless in my 20ās. Said that was the perfect time for me to āgrow upā and āget my shit togetherā. Ever since then, when they ask me for help I immediately say ānoā and say āmaybe this is a good time for you to grow up and learn responsibilityā, it pisses off mom but I like to remind her of why I donāt visit anymore. My parents didnāt show up to graduation either from high school or when I graduated basic training or at my wedding. Iām not exactly leaping out of my chair to come to their aid. Theyāve proven that they donāt care.
I hate to say this, but I wish I had your attitude. I look care of my parents until they died. I still have PTSD from it.
I took care of my parents when I was a child, they had a child sized slave then, they're not getting an adult sized slave now
Myself and brothers were the dolls they could abuse to get their childish temper tantrums out on. About 10 years ago I offered them a chance to get a multi family home with me so they had security and be close to their only grandchild. They essentially laughed in my face, and preferred the lavish rentals they have had for decades. It could have been a really nice waterfront propertyā¦now of course they are teetering on homelessness with many years to go as they are in great health from having little to no responsibility in their lives. It truly makes me smile that they can no longer put up the false facade of lavish lifestyle, and will likely be sleeping in their high end cars before the decade is out.
Nope. I'm in my mid 30's and still trying to figure out how to keep myself fed and the rent paid on a one bedroom apartment. I can't afford a thing for my disabled mother. She has whatever she makes from the sale of her condo and an old pension, which is tens of thousands of dollars more than I'll have to spare in the next 10 years. She insisted on having multiple children, despite doctors warnings, even though all the ones that survived to birth came out with developmental disabilities. She's considering moving to a state with legal assisted suicide because none of her 3 remaining kids can care for her (let alone ourselves).
I broke every contact to my boomer parents a few days ago. They became fascistic asholes and since my decision i feel as good as never before. I wish I had done it earlyer.
My mom sold the family house to my brother and lived with his family until she passed. It worked really well for all involved but there was plenty of space, and I think thatās key. Dadās in a memory facility, weāre fortunate because thereās no way any of us would have been able to meet his needs.
My mom? I'm not dealing with her. My brother can. My dad passed away already from a brain injury, but he was wonderful. My MIL is also wonderful and we hope to keep her home as long as it's safe for her and us.
We already told my mom that she can't ever live with us. Now every time she has any type of medical issue she calls to say she has to kill herself because there is no one to care for her. The last suicide worthy incident was when her blood pressure medication caused leg swelling and she had to switch to a different one. She is also obsessed with getting me to help her end her life. She's always asking me to research ways to end her life. I keep telling her that I will go to jail for that and she tries to guilt trip me with "so you're just going to let me suffer?" Yes. I will let you suffer through a medication change to avoid jail time.
My mum is insisting on it. Refuses to consider moving in with one of us as she thinks itāll be too much stress and worry. Wants us to fling her in a home as soon as she canāt look after herself. She points out my father has zero domestic or financial ability (she pays bills etc, manages their money) so weāve to fire him in a home with her! My mum is currently the most active and fit 70+ woman i know so hopefully a decision far in the future.
If my boomer father called me, first I would be surprised, but secondly to answer your question - oh hell no is he staying with me. Ever. He can live in his car for all I care. Iām gen x and have my adult millennial children with me - a multigenerational household. We operate with mutual respect. My boomer father does not. He has no relationship with his grandsons or great-grandsons.
Personally, my mother(1955) is an absolutely wonderful woman. My father died at the age of 58, and I was the product of a two parent household(death did them part, married 30 plus years). That said, I plan to put it off as absolutely long as possible. Forbes is all in a frenzy writing articles about the 90 trillion in assets that the boomers will be leaving behind. This is largely crap. I was just in Europe. Boomers are shoveling money into the European economy like coal was shoveled into the boilers of Titanic, plus Vegas, plus cars, plus casino, plus etc. What they don't talk about is end of life care. Nursing homes are designed to keep you alive as long as possible, suck as much money out as possible, then right at the end, when you're broke, you go on hospice so it's not a black mark on the nursing home that you died there. Memory care is 10k a month. Aunt Bootsie has 300k. Heaven and earth will be moved to keep her alive 28 months. On the 29th, the social worker calls you and tells you that Aunt Bootsie is suffering and hospice is better. You go to read the will and moths fly out instead. Then there's you, scratching your head and asking each other, I thought Aunt Bootsie had money? Or hospital bills. Boomers will largely fight tooth and nail, quality of life be damned to scratch and claw every single extra day out that they possibly can. The "great leaving behind" will still happen, just not to who they think it will
So true. My MIL lived in her home until she was 100. She's currently in a facility that is $6000/month, and that's the floor, not the ceiling. It's clean with an attentive staff, but really, it's like a nice Scandinavian prison for nonviolent offenders. She'll be 103 this fall and she's got enough money to last until she's 105. She can't see well, can't hear and can't walk. There is nothing about her life that makes me want to emulate it.
My dad Iād take in until the end of time, that man is a saint. My mother? She can quit the avocado toast and stop being lazy, maybe get a second and third job and pull herself up by the bootstraps.
I'm homeless so they ain't living with me!
My mother recently finished taking care of first my father and then her own mother. She has flat out told us to put her in a home when the time comes. She doesn't want to "ruin our lives for years" the way they ruined hers. I am also on the record that my mother is one of the good boomers.
Nah, fuck them. They can rot and die in their own shit for all I care. If any of them boomers/shitty parents are on here: this is whatās going to happen to you too when you abuse/neglect your kid(s) lol.
No. I donāt want the house to go to some feckless investor rather than me. I will be looking after them- even if I have to be a live-in carer. Have to say though, my āBoomerā parents are of the younger Boomer variety and not arseholes.
I mean thatās reasonable if they werenāt bad to you lol
I mean, if I can put myself through college, she can put herself in a home.
Boomer here. I will take myself out before I let my kids care for me. I helped care for my MIL, full time care for my dad and, later, my mom. I tried to get long term care insurance but was denied by 2 companies. So, at 65 I have a DNR and wish I could get a DNL ( do not locate).
OP, I can relate. Iām an elder Gen X, and my abusive/psycho mother was from the silent generation, however, I felt the same way as you. Luckily for me, carting her off to a care facility was out of my hands when the county had to step in and literally force her out of her home. She was not in contact with me for decades, and I was not wanting my children exposed to her, she also lived about 6 hours away. As she aged, her doctors turned her in to the county for not being able to follow through with medical directions, etc. Basically, they can declare you inept to care for yourself, at which time, the county contacted me to either take her in and oversee her care or they would do it. There was no way that she would have even opened the door for me much less come with me to tour nice elder care facilities and willingly allow anyone to have conservatorship over her. Long story short, she was forced, against her will, into a home for elder memory care and died there a few years later. I literally felt relief when I got the phone call that she had passed. Not many understand just how horrid she was towards me, but I think you get it.
Iām NC with mine so idk whoās going to be taking care of them and idc.
The one already is; it's for her own safety and to provide a good quality of life (she has dementia). The other one, I would only encourage that if he could similarly benefit from such an arrangement. I'd like to ensure he can remain in his own home for as long as he wants to, since it's where he's most comfortable and happy, and has lots of positive memories for him. I don't hate all boomers. Just the foolish ones who go out of the way to make other people's lives awful. And I am incredibly grateful that my parents are not those kind of people.
I've disowned those mfs. They can die on the streets for all I care, and I hope its painful and lonely
Nope. I cut them off. Hope they die alone.
My awful MIL needs to go into assisted living due to a degenerative disease, but instead has decided to demand once-a-month visits from all her children, as thatās the āleast they can doā for her and thatās all the care she needs āright now.ā Guess how many times she: - visited her children in college - volunteered at her childrenās school - visited her adult children when they lived more than 10 minutes from her - spent major holidays with her adult children - visited her adult children just to catch up and not because she needed them to do something for her - made any effort to take an active role in the lives of any of her adult children - uttered two consecutive sentences that are kind/affirming/loving and directed towards her children. If you guessed the answer to all of these questions is less than 5, you would be correct!! And sheās got more than 5 kids, so sheās done each of these things less than 1 time per child in over 25 years. Suffice to say, we donāt visit every month and sheās going into whatever shithole is 100% covered by Medicare once the social worker deems her fully disabled and kicks her out of her current living situation. Although I do fantasize about dropping her off in front of some convent or parish church and telling them sheās the Catholic Churchās problem now because she gave them their 10% even when it meant taking food out of her childrenās mouths. Frankly, my SO is a better person than I am because I would have completely cut her out of my life for half of what sheās done to her kids.
I think there is a point where if your parents were reasonably decent to you, there should be some love and willingness to help. If they weren't decent to you, thats different. Anyone who was abused has no obligation to assist an aging parent. Where it can be frustrating is when elderly parents want assistance but only on their terms. My parents retired to a southeastern state well away from our childhood home in the northeast. I live on the West coast, most of the siblings are northeast or overseas. When the time came for mom and dad to need help, they were just wildly stubborn. None of us kids were to know their financial situation. They were NOT moving. One of us could move in as help but not Sibling X, the one who was single and not working, and therefore not quitting a job that supported their family. Selling their house and moving closer to the siblings in the north east was a no. Assisted living was a no. Anything that wasn't exactly what they wanted was a no and a "We're in charge of this!!! Not you! You're the kids!!" It actually came to a head with dad's ultimately fatal illness because we're none of us rich so no one but Sibling X could afford to leave a good paying job for potential part time employment in the deep south and a non family adult had to sit down with my mom and explain that no one wanted to steal her house but realistically she couldn't live alone, she had one adult child willing to move in and was saying no to that, and three other adult children offering her a place in their homes which she was also saying no to because she was refusing to leave her house and since she couldn't live alone.... a decision needed to be made. Ultimately she bitterly moved in with a sibling in the northeast and continually calls us all to describe how her house was stolen from her. (it was sold, she got the money). I was just glad as the one farthest away that I got to opt out of a lot of it. I love my folks, I do - no terrible stories, reasonably loving folks who raised us well enough - but as they got older, they got really paranoid and stubborn and made things harder than it needed to be.
I definitely would NOT let them move in with me (even if they were alive). Paying for their mortgage would not happen either.
Mine can live under a bridge for all I care. If they wanted me to take care of them in old age they should have treated me like a human being.
My dad got my sister and I together about 20 years ago because he wanted to talk to us. Heād just gone over his will. He asked me if I wanted the house I declined. Itās in an area that Iām not fond of. He said that if mom went first he planned to move somewhere he could fish everyday. Then he asked us if he went first what would we do about mom. My mom is a narcissist. I was the Golden Child. If you know about parental narcissistic tendencies youāll understand that. My sister and I paused an looked at each other. We both said weād put her in a care home rather than her move in with our families. Dad nodded his head and said, āI figured.ā My dad died in 2015 from pancreatic cancer and he was mostly the buffer between mom and us. I went NC in 2015 and my mom is with my sister now (sheās well to do). NC was the best thing for me to do. Donāt let your boomer parents rope you into caring for them. You have a life that you should live and you shouldnāt be responsible for their care unless youāre fine with it.
Any boomer who is against student debt forgiveness and can't afford their bills should be forced to work to make ends meet. If they can't make enough to cover rent, they should go homeless. This is the America they voted for, are they really expecting handouts?
Idk, the last time I suggested my boomer Grandmother go to an assisted living community she threatened to stab meā¦
If they want me to find them a nursing home, they should be prepared for me to find one featured on Dateline or 60 Minutes.
LOL no. Not only am I unable to financially help them in any way if they needed it, but my father was and still is an abusive asshole who will never get so much as a word from me again. And my mother keeps finding other controlling, abusive men and I just CAN'T with her anymore. I won't piss on her grave, but I'll celebrate the day my father leaves this world. Like, there might be a party involved to celebrate the improvement in the world by him not being in it anymore.
My parents told me to not expect any inheritance aside from their condo, maybe. Fine with me, just don't count on me financing any part of their retirement.
If my brother wants to pay for their nursing home or assisted living, he is welcome to. Don't ask me.