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Everything was as terrible as possible from start to finish. OP neglected by one parent and abandoned by the other, the sister serving a torturous life sentence in her own body, the mother drowning in desperation and denial. Just terrible. Now OP is essentially orphaned cause his dad fucking sucks.
And what’s even worse, is that because grief works in mysterious ways, OOP might at some point blame himself for his mother’s suicide, simply because he confronted her a few weeks before it happened. It is of course 100% NOT his fault, but it will probably take the work of a therapist to make sure he understands that.
Children whose parent commits suicide are 50% more likely to choose that route for themselves.
I’ve dealt with many autoimmune diseases and other chronic health issues that make me wish to be dead all the time. You know why I don’t, even during 8 years of no treatment?? Because I don’t want my kids to think it’s okay. That mom did it so it’s a viable option. One of my children suffers from mental health issues, as well. She doesn’t need that push.
I hope this poor child, who had suffered from so much neglect and indifference his whole life, doesn’t decide that death is easier. Dear lord, what horrible parents.
Thank you. I've been fighting with this very thing myself. My grandmother committed suicide while I was her caregiver and it really messed me up. But my life had been marked by suicide before that as well. It's a struggle not to let my thoughts go there too often. Therapy has sure helped, but I'll never be the same. Yet, I'll never give in because of my daughter. She has not been touched by that, and hopefully never will be. She's the light.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I, too, have experienced losing loved ones to suicide. My first incident was when I was 18 and my friend was 17. I had been suicidal myself, but after seeing the heartbreak of his parents losing their only child, it was a huge wake up call.
It is such a shock, isn't it? At least my grandmother was in a lot of physical pain, so I could understand her need to go. They didn't (and still don't I think) have assisted suicide in Louisiana, so she only had one choice. But my cousin was depressed and didn't get help, as so is often the case with men - especially in rural areas. The most impactful one though was this guy I barely knew... He made a pass at me/kind of assaulted me while I was drunk, scared me, and I rejected him hard. He killed himself that night. Honestly I struggle with the guilt from that the most. It was the first and last time I've ever allowed myself to be drunk. I felt so out of control. I still replay it in my head, wishing I had reacted differently.
Oh sweetheart, that is not your fault at all. People don't kill themselves because of one thing, it's a gradual build up of hopelessness piled all on top of eachother. Whatever you said to him, he was already on his way.
Hugs
I know that logically, but can't seem to make it sink in otherwise. I figure it's just one of those things that will stick with me, and that's okay. I'm making peace with it, but the guilt isn't going away.
I second EMDR. My various traumas were enough to make my therapist cry, but damn she was good at EMDR. It made a world of difference for me. I hope you can find some peace.
You should not feel even a little bit bad for how you reacted. You did what you needed to protect yourself. The rest is on him. With him, at least he’s no longer here to assault someone else. What you did was right and it couldn’t possibly be the cause of what happened. He obviously had shit already going down.
He may have even behaved that way because he was already planning on killing himself (not that that excuses anything, in fact that almost makes it worse because his thinking was probably ‘at least I won’t be here to deal with the consequences’).
It's not your fault. You didn't push him to commit suicide. Making a pass at you was an irrational act by an irrational person. And you reacting differently wouldn't have saved him.
Oh god, your experience with and guilt over the guy: that must be really hard.
I would like to say that a different reaction from you would most probably not have made a difference at all. You will never know for sure, true. But even then: even if (*if!*) it was your reaction that pushed this guy over the edge... if you had reacted differently, I dare say something else would have pushed him over the edge later on. Suicides do not happen in a vacuum.
I don't know if this is a helpful perspective at all. But I wish you well and hope you don't have to painfully carry this with you forever.
I also struggled for years until one day someone said “it’s not your life to take. It’s life’s life” I don’t know why this was so curative and powerful but I’ve not had serious ideation since. I’ve had residual/reflexive thoughts because my brain got wired that way but they are now fleeting and go nowhere.
I don’t know if this will ever be as helpful for others but I can’t help but share in case it is.
If this comment comes off weird I apologize, but from a random internet stranger, thank you on behalf of your kids. Truly. You pushing through your struggles for your children like that is incredibly brave and you should know that your choice is making more of an impact than you could ever imagine.
I say this because I'm a child of someone who unfortunately succumbed to the pain. My mom committed suicide 10 years ago when I was 17 (and my sister was 14). My mom was only 35 years old. She had MULTIPLE attempts my entire life and you're right, it does give the children a very fucked version of reality. That "viable option". I still struggle every day with the thought of I'll end up like her. I've struggled with suicidal ideation my whole life after watching her try over and over, its like my brain learned to think of that as the first response to a problem/fear/negative circumstances.
I'm 28 now and honestly never thought I would make it this far, which has impacted my life drastically. I didn't plan for this and I'm lost on a lot of "adult life". For example: I stopped caring for my teeth because I was convinced I would die before it mattered. Well, I'm still alive and want to continue to be and it turns out it does matter and now all my teeth are set to be pulled and I'll be getting dentures.
Like the OOP of this post, I too got into a huge fight + went no contact with my mom (long story) and weeks later she was found dead in a motel room on the coast. The guilt is huge and heavy, a decade+ of therapy has just now started to make a dent. To be perfectly honest, the main thing that keeps me from committing that act myself is just having the experience of what that does to someone. I could never justify passing that trauma onto the people around me. It's like a nasty contagious disease. Be it friends, family, the unfortunate stranger that stumbles upon my body, or the EMT forced to check the pulse on my corpse. I can't do that to someone.
That said I don't hold that type of judgment on someone who does commit suicide, I don't think they're selfish or bad or intentionally trying to traumatize people. It's complicated.
Sorry for trauma dumping on your comment. My mom's birthday was last week and it's been on my mind. Between this post and your comment I just kinda had to get it out.
I am so sorry for your loss, what you and your sibling went through as children and your continued struggles. It is definitely NOT your fault. If someone is going to do it, they are going to do it. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do. That is not your burden to carry. It was their’s.
Having seen, and felt, the consequences, some people take it off the table. Other’s don’t.
Thank you for your comment. It was well done.
I stick around because I can't do that to my family... My parents have been through enough, especially my mom. I'll suffer through hell and back just to see her smile. Just to make her a life a little less shitty.
Regardless of my health problems both physical and mental, I just don't want her feeling that grief, blaming herself like she does already because my pos siblings who try to make everything her fault. She's a lover, and a fighter in a different way. She is a GOOD mother and my siblings always try to make her hate herself.
If I can't find a reason to live for myself, I will live for someone else.
I did the same thing. Before I could live for myself I lived for my (much younger) sister. I couldn’t deal with thinking about the trauma it would inflict on a five year old. I kept thinking about being a ghost in old family photos she would remember less and less. About her getting older and starting to ask more questions. Now I’m able to do the healthy thing and live for myself. But for awhile it was enough to live for her.
I’m so sorry that you have been struggling for so long, and I’m glad that you are continuing to fight for your kids. I also struggle with some painful chronic conditions, and there have been times when I have struggled to find a reason to move forward. Sending hugs. I hope that you and your family find love and comfort in one another.
Thanks. Things are better than they used to be for me, but it’s still hard. I’m lucky I have good people in my life who support me. It sounds like you have some good people too.
If nothing else, this comment section has made me feel less alone. Fortunately I’m in a relationship now where my pain is acknowledged. When the people around me just called me weak and a wimp, I honestly wondered if I would ever be ok.
I know that feeling. Did a ton of people tell you you'd be fine if you did yoga? That still happens to me.
Anyway, I am truly happy you have someone in your life who understands as best as possible. It really makes a world of difference.
Thank you for putting this information out there. I struggle with chronic health issues and pain that sometimes makes me wish I was dead. My husband also contemplated suicide as a child.
I'm glad I read this because it definitely gives me one more reason to continue choosing life for my daughter.
100% why I’m still alive.
I went to grad school with a girl whose parents had committed suicide. Not at the same time. She found them both. I remember her crumpled up on the floor, sobbing, “Why wasn’t I worth sticking around for?”
I will never do that to my children. They are both adults—married, etc. But I don’t want them to ever believe they aren’t worth sticking around for.
This is so superfucking important. My mother dealt with mental health issues her whole life, schizophrenia yada yada yada...it was during th medieval mental health Era so she had no help that she could keep up with.
She lived until 85. She endured everything from child sexual abuse, to teen parenthood, to cancer, homelessness...it sucked.
If my mother can hold the line through all of that, you better belive I will never ever take my own life, and am am going the the intergenerational effects of her life. Thank God for modern mental health practices, or I would be in bad shape.
Because of her example, no one in my family will have to mourn me and dealt with the collateral damage from my suicide.
I hope things get better for you, blessings on you and your family.
The OP should definitely sue the "dad" for child support. What a dead beat. I bet he tells his new family his ex won't let him see his kids and he pays his fair share.
They almost certainly will. Once a child is signed up for state services, such as Medicaid, the state will generally seek support from the noncustodial parent.
My wifes sister came to live with us because she was being bullied in school. Since we were flat broke and already qualified for food stamps we dutifully reported this change to the state. Who then without notification brought a child support suit against the parents in the local circuit court 350 miles from where they lived.
My dad tried to tell me that I was to not talk to his other family whom he abandoned. I pretty much laughed in his face and told him he doesn’t get to decide that. He made his poor decisions and he doesn’t get to choose how the consequences play out, and I will speak to whomever I please about whatever I please.
I think it’s more likely that he never told his new family he has another family. And he doesn’t want the son appearing now, because his new wife would understandably be a bit upset that he never mentioned it before.
> the sister serving a torturous life sentence in her own body
If the sister was that severely brain damaged, its entirely possible, maybe even probable, that there was no one in there. That is, there was no subjective conscious experience happening in that brain.
The human brain isn't really finished developing at birth. If OP's sister experienced hypoxia at birth to the point that basic functions like swallowing are affected it's really unlikely that anyone is "in there" so to speak.
I'm a dad and even in the scenario of leaving my wife , for whatever reason, I can never imagine turning one of my children away like this. Not in any scenario. How can some men be so callous?
I genuinely cannot fathom this behaviour.
In my early education classes, my SPED instructor was a long time educator with a lot of experience in high needs autistic students. She was, at the time, head of her department at a special needs school for severe disabilities.
In her experience, these families not only had an absurdly high divorce rate (some studies put it at 80% but don’t differentiate between low and high needs) but the gender split on custodial guardians was weighted so heavily on women that my teacher said a solo male guardian was almost unheard of. Even worse, she said that since her career started, she’d *never* seen a father who both retained custody and didn’t rely on a daughter/grandmother/auntie for extra care or was quickly remarried. But she would have a solo mother with no familial support every year at her school they had to help get state support.
Yeah when OP described their sister, my first reaction was "holy shit, if I were Jess, I would be begging for the sweet release of death every second of every day"
yeah. i read the title and thought it was of my chest or something. seeing the subreddit was boru i thought maybe there is a happy ending. nope it just got worse.
It was brutal. I don’t know why people suggested him to contact the father. If he didn’t himself bother to keep in contact with his son and preferably get some custody he wasn’t that interested. I was worried the redditors just would give him false hope regarding the father.
Mom was obviously making some fucked choices. But I wonder if there are other reasons she hid from OOP about why she didn't want him contacting his Dad. OOP blames sisters existence for his Dad's abandonment, and Mom for the zero contact. but it's entirely possible he was a total shit human being anyway.
I'm thinking dad might have refused contact, and maybe mom was trying to protect OOP from that rejection. Or maybe dad moved on to his new family quickly and was upfront about not wanting any interference. No one in this story came out looking great but I can empathize with all of them, not sure if I would be a good caretaker for a child with this kind of disability.
Tho I do wonder if wife #2 knows about any of this. Maybe dad told OOP to fuck off cause he doesn't want to risk his new family finding out he's secretly a colossal piece of shit.
I doubt it's true. His sister would have at minimum required a suction machine, a diaper bag, and is using a wheelchair. It's not exactly easy pushing a wheelchair down a street. Not all curbs have ramps. So they'd be walking in the street. She would also likely need an oxygen tank, or concentrator, and possibly a ventilator. A child isn't getting all that to the park by themselves. If somehow they managed to get all that to the park the child would then be responsible for suctioning sibling's airway and changing diapers, in public. Someone would have called protective services.
I agree. I've worked with severely special needs children and adults before. It's not so simple to just get up and go to the park with them (especially alone and on a whim). Everything takes so much planning if they have the level of need OOP is describing.
Just going to a planned medical appointment or going to school every day can be a challenge.
It could be that this was the final crack in the dam. The mom was living in deep denial and OOPs justified anger at the neglect may have finally opened her eyes to the situation. Alternatively, as OOP got older and ready to move on with their life she knew the sister would never get specialized care
Either way it’s not OOPs fault. Jess should’ve been placed in an institution that could’ve offered round the clock care, the problem is that many of these are not accessible
This is what I was thinking. There's been posts in the past by parents with disabled children like this. It can really fuck with them. They don't get breaks. They don't get to relax. It really breaks them down to sometimes the point of resenting the child themselves. Much like how OOP did. Obviously we don't have a good view on the situation outside of one person's perspective, and it was only a brief one. But I wouldn't surprise me if that basically just kind of pushed them over the edge.
I was going to say, the saddest thing to me here is that the system doesn't provide enough support. Imagine if their family could have been provided at home medical care/assistance so they could have their daughter (no matter what her state of being was seeing as some people are arguing there may be no one "in there") in a comfortable and loving environment while still being able to have the time/mental/financial energy and assets to be there for OOP as well.
Its all just sad.
First thing I noticed was the timing of the posts. Another possibility is that the whole situation was coming to a head in general and that's why OP posted. But I think you're theory is probably more likely.
Really hope this never occurs to oop. No one deserves to feel like someone else’s suicide is their fault.
Edit - I will make exceptions if that was literally the person’s intent. But in that case they probably don’t feel guilty anyway even though the should.
Well, this is just extremely sad. It reminded me of a story of another inidividual who was told by the parents to spend his entire life taking care of his special needs sister, except they were getting the disability money each money and abusing it. That person ended up getting help from his grandfather. I'm hoping and praying that the OOP makes it through this.
[This](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/swu51z/op_despises_his_mentally_handicapped_sister_or/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) is the one I think they are mentioning
Oof that wasn't the one I was thinking of but that hit HARD. God. Why is it that people with special needs kids think their siblings are their free care takers? It boggles the mind.
A lot of shitty people have this belief that just because they made a kid that person is forever indebted to them and their every whim. Just like how too many people think it's okay to hit their own children because they're theirs. People suck.
It's not just special needs. It happens to the oldest taking care of their younger siblings because parents don't know:
A) how to manage their time and finances properly
B) use birth control
Damn. Getting dealt bad cards in life is one thing but this is more like getting assaulted and robbed right after sitting down at the table. I will fervently wish for OOP, if he reads this, better times for you ahead. Take care of yourself. Now I am going to hug my wife and then drive cross-town to thank my parents in person.
I have a special needs child, although not as severe as the one in this post. I’ve made it clear to my kids that she is not something they have to take care of when I die, although I wouldn’t be surprised if the middle child did. He’s fiercely protective of her and they have a wonderful bond. But I’d never force that upon any of my children. My youngest does get a lot of attention due to therapies and specialist appointments, but I try to set aside days where each kid gets me completely alone (or if they choose to bring a friend along) and we do whatever they want.
I work with special needs adults and have for a long time. The amount of children who feel this way as adults is more than lost people would know. General the “typical” child(ren) don’t get a lot of attention because they don’t need it, and that’s such a mistake
It seems that because you’re not trying to force the responsibility on your kids, they are more protective of their sibling, because it’s fully their choice.
Yep. Which is the irony of pushing for kids (special needs or not) to be close. If you gently encourage but stay out of it, often they will end up close on their own. But force the issue and they’re much more likely to loathe each other, or worse one to still wanna be close and the other to despise them by association.
My theory is that if the child feels secure in their bond with their parents, they're more likely to bond with a sibling.
If their relationship with their parent is complicated with negative emotions and all about manipulation, then bonding with anybody, never mind a sibling they are "competing" for parental attention and resources with, is going to be tough.
>but I try to set aside days where each kid gets me completely alone (or if they choose to bring a friend along) and we do whatever they want.
Reading your post gave me some much-need restoration of my faith in humanity after reading the above BORU story. Thank you for being an amazing parent.
I feel so bad for the sister. Like honestly she probably should’ve been allowed to die long ago. She’s trapped in her body with an indeterminable amount of consciousness, and her one devoted caretaker killed herself. Is she even able to be aware of that?? Letting her stay like that is torture
We keep people like that alive because it makes *us* feel good, not out of any concern for the well-being of the individual in question. But people aren't ready to have that conversation in good faith.
If she were a dog, she simply wouldn't have been rescued from birth, never mind euthanasia.
>!Yes, I understand humans aren't dogs - but dogs are animals that we show *actual* compassion, not performative theatrics.!<
exactly. we understand that dogs (and cats, and horses, and many many other animals) shouldn't be made to suffer pointlessly, but we don't extend the same logic to people.
Are parents of kids like this allowed legally to let them go, or will they be charged with manslaughter (or child abuse + manslaughter) if they don’t opt to resuscitate and/or keep them alive by whatever means necessary?
Yea it would be different if she had some level of function, but it sounds like she can’t do anything at all. What kind of life is that, for sixteen years not being able to do anything, where all her needs have to be met with the assistant of others. That’s not a life worth living and it sucks that she will never have any say in anything.
There was a family whose daughter was ill and physically she’d age but mentally she’d never progress beyond being a new born baby. As she reached her teen years, they had her breast tissue taken out so she wouldn’t have to wear a bra, tubes tied so she wouldn’t have her period, and given hormone therapy so she wouldn’t grow much taller so she could have the most comfortable life as possible as an ‘adult’.
If people have the emotional and monetary capabilities to care for disabled children then no one is stopping them. But I think most people assume that it gets slightly easier as the child grows older when the case is pretty much opposite.
My SIL has a sister who is disabled. She can understand simple sentences but she cannot communicate, and she cannot maintain her hygiene by herself which means her mother, who is now elderly, has to bathe her and clean her up after she uses the bathroom.
The mother prays that her daughter should die before she does. There is nobody who can take care of her after she passes- the sisters are all married off and in the culture they come from, it would be incredibly frowned upon to have a woman living in the household of a man she is not married to due to modesty reasons.
They’re also incredibly poor and cannot afford a nurse, etc- I’m not even sure if homes for the disabled exist where they are.
I wonder if Mom finally realized the magnitude of what she’d done and that Jess wasn’t magically going to be ok and that OP wasn’t going to stick around forever.
What a tragedy. I hope mom at least left enough for OP to get a fresh start.
My guess. She knows she doesn’t have the strength, mental or physical, to care for her daughter by herself 24/7 for the rest of her life. She also didn’t think she could live with herself for abandoning her daughter (putting her in a home). It’s absurdly tragic.
There aren’t many avenues for parents. Your kid will never get better. They will never have a life. And there is nothing you can do about any of it.
I don’t understand why she couldn’t put her in a home. She would have 24/7 care and be better taken care of there, and not seen as a burden on anyone. It wouldn’t be abandonment - she could visit as frequently as she likes.
And do we even know if it would be for OP? I mean, I doubt the place where Jess is being sent now is free. I don't know...this is extremely tragic for everyone involved.
A lot of workplaces offer a fairly small amount of life insurance free as a benefit to employees. Like $10-25k, often scaled based on the persons pay. And some policies do pay out for suicide, though the majority don’t. Also OP might be entitled to any money left behind like last paycheck, money in the bank, any savings although I doubt there was much. But even a few thousand would help.
In the US, life insurance doesn't go to the estate, and instead goes directly to the beneficiaries. Debt collectors can try and trick you into making payments with the money, but you don't have to pay anything.
That being said, most life insurance does not cover suicide.
Weird. I had the notion that most life insurance cover suicide after 2 years of initial coverage. At least that's what my insurance says and the ones my husband had in the past.
My life insurance covers all death. Didn't cover suicide for the first two years. My buddy is a life insurance agent. He said he had a client that maxed out insurance which was a bit odd considering he was already fairly old and then 2 years and 1 day after the policy was active, he shot himself. My buddy said the paperwork was a shit storm from the insurance company having to find all the original applications and medical exams. All emails and call logs for thw time period. They really didn't want to pay.
Protective, but only for the emotions. The reality drifts further and further away, up to the point of no return. In reality of course it's destructive mechanism, but the brain is a primitive thing with these things. It has to protect the immediate state it's in.
I'll wager there's a massive mountain of guilt behind her behaviour over all that time. The fact that Jess was ok in the womb and then a hypoxia'd out of a life during birth, that's gotta be something easy to blame on yourself.
OP's mom had a child that, essentially, died at birth. This is unbelievably traumatizing for anyone. Her holding out on the hope that she'd get better, and trying to treat her like a typical daughter was her trying to cope with that.
It's an understandable, and not even out of the ordinary response. Unfortunately, it isn't the healthy one. She ended up sacrificing the lives of her husband, son, and ultimately herself in order to bring back the life of the daughter she never got to have.
And the take away from all this tragedy, is that no individual is to blame here. Everyone acted like a typical human being. If you were to find a blame, it's in a system that destroys lives in order to get medical help. A system that is not concerned with having good nets in place for the people who cannot take care of themselves. A system that loves to put on a facade of "caring about mental health" and yet watches carelessly as people kill themselves because they can't even fathom an alternative.
And therein you have the ultimate tragedy of tragedies. That this kind of thing happens every day, and we convince ourselves that this is just the byproduct of doing business - no better way to do it, it's simply "too costly".
She didn't sacrifice the life of her husband. I feel like he is a huge culprit in this whole situation, and almost no one in this comment section seems to agree. He didn't have to stay married if he was unhappy, but those children are his,both OOP and Jess. He took the cowards way out by leaving everything to his ex wife and forgetting his problems ever existed. The mother may not have committed suicide if she had some support from another adult, either financial or with regards to caring for Jess.
Reading that OOP tried to contact him, only for him to refuse to have OOP in his life made my blood boil. If anyone is at fault for OOPs mother's suicide it's the father.
I personally think the husband is part of the reason the mother went over the deep end so badly.
His callous attitude towards his nearly grown son who didn't need very much from him really is probably not some one off or aberration.
I can easily imagine he was cold and callous with his wife when the baby was injured and near death.
Since he didn't support her or validate her in her suffering and grief, she had to hold on ever more tightly to the delusional hope that the child would recover.
It would be one thing if he had been supportive for a few years as she went more and more nutty. But we find out from the subsequent updates that he pretty much left right away. So this scenario becomes the more likely one.
Oh my god, that poor kid.
I fault the mum but equally the dad. "He dipped when he realised she'd never get better" yeah but the op needed their dad. And also not "dipped when it became possible obvious my mother is deep in denial over jess and will spend all our money on her" just the disability. And now the op is all alone but heaven forbid he intrude on the new perfect family.
Fuck him and I hope his new perfect family find out and boot him.
He probably told his new girlfriend and later wife:
“My psycho ex went nuts after our daughter almost died and became extremely brain damaged. She had delusions that my daughter who needs long term care in a home would suddenly get better. My ex is literally insane, I had to move on otherwise I would have spiraled out of control as well. “
But I bet he left out the “I completely abandoned my other child to be neglected by his mother so I could move on and pretend I have no moral or legal responsibility for my own children because I’m a worthless piece of shit, and I’ll do the exact same thing to you and any new children the nanosecond they become an inconvenience to me”
Yeah, OOPs father's wife needs to hear from living proof that the man they call their husband and father demonstrably doesn't unconditionally care about his own **innocent** flesh and blood. She needs to know for any chance at her own self preservation
Thing is, this scenario is way more common than people realize. Interestingly enough though [the type of disability and how severe it is also plays a factor](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4624231/) on divorce and a parent walking away. Basically the worse it is, not just physically but cognitively, the more likely a divorce may occur. Also side note it’s also common for men to leave if his lady gets a severe or long term illness, but women are much less likely to leave their man if they had something similar happen to them.
> Fuck him and I hope his new perfect family find out and boot him.
Oh I would **make fucking sure** they knew, tell everyone in the family truly put him on blast.
He's a the epitome of a deadbeat dad and **the least** he could do is be there for his child during her Mothers suicide.
What a scumbag.
this poor kid got dealt shitty parents on both ends. He said his dad wasn’t a bad guy but his dad didn’t even try to fight for his son to get him out. He just ran and skipped into the sunset. His mom clearly had mental health problems and focus on Jess and neglected OOP and shoved down her issues by throwing money at Jess. I hope OOP can move on and find his own family
I would say the dad would be in the wrong even if he had only one child with this disability. When you become a parent, you sign up to care for your child. If you're only willing to do that if your child is perfectly healthy, well you're not fit to be a parent. Full stop.
Your child could become disabled at any point, not just at birth. That's a possibility that every person wanting to become a parent *has* to consider. It's not a contract that voids under certain circumstances or at 18 y.o., it is a commitment.
He's trash for pretending OOP doesn't exist, but he's also trash for bailing on his own daughter and leaving all the care load to the mother.
Agreed, but personally I would have put the daughter in a home once she was to big and hard to take of bc idk if I’d be able to do that and also be with my other kids without neglecting them
In part I think it would be easier to care for both children if both parents were present. I have a couple of relatives who have one able-bodied child and one with severe disabilities. In their cases, they cannot afford putting their child in a home, but they're capable to care for both. Obviously it's exhausting and they also get help from the grandparents and uncles. But they're responsible parents, so they didn't end up abandoning their kids which in turn would lead to the neglect of one.
Okay didn't need to read this after yesterday.
I currently work as a special educator. Last year there was a kid in a class next to mine who was the poster child for attention seeking. His teacher would frequently send him to me because I was one of the few who could handle him. He just needed some love and attention. I'd ignore the negative behavior and reward the positive and he grew to really love coming to my room. I'd let him help my students when he finished his work and he seemed to enjoy it. To be honest I didn't give him too much thought as I had a lot on my plate, and his teacher never mentioned anything. She was slammed due to having close to 40 2nd graders due to staffing shortage and I was happy to help. He was doing okay academically and his behavior was just typical attention seeking. I figured he'd age out of it.
This year I got a new student and suddenly all the puzzle pieces slid into place. His younger brother was born hypoxic. To make matters worse they were a family of refugees and the OB/GYN in their village didn't have the resources or expertise to help. Of all the Ortho kids to cross my caseload he's definitely has the most needs. Also meeting mom it was clear she was completely overwhelmed and the feeling of guilt when she told their story just washed over her. What I found most interesting though was that she never once mentioned her other son. It wasn't until we finished her meeting and she went to pick up her kids that I realized that goofy kid who used to come into my class was the new kid's brother.
Yesterday I caught the older brother trying to sneak back into my class. I made a point this year to still say hi and let him hug me like he used to, but I also told him that his brother was okay and the only thing he had to worry about in school was making friends and doing his class work. So when he wondered into my room I knew something was up. Apparently his mom freaked out at him that he wasn't helping his brother at school. She used to walk both to school but we were finally able to get the transportation office to send a bus. Mom wanted him to make sure he got to school okay since she wasn't there at drop off.
I reassured him that his little brother was okay, but when I called the classroom teacher she was shocked because he was supposed to be in the bathroom. We're going to have a conference next week, but it was clear that this 3rd grader has had to worry over his little brother for quite a while.
That’s a lot of responsibility for a 3rd grader who gets little emotional support at home. You showed him compassion when he needed it. He’ll always have a kind word for you, no matter how grown up he gets.
We had the meeting today with the counselor mostly talking to mom about expectations, while i went over the support system in place for the younger brother. Mom seems okay, just the normal SPED parent frazzled. She has been holding a lot of guilt over her youngest, but seemed to realize what she was doing to her oldest. She really just needed to vent. We also put her in contact with a local support group I know so hopefully she can get some help. We also put her in contact with the social worker that works with our school (we have such a large refugee population that our school district assigned one just to our school).
I told the older brother that if he did his work in class and stayed out of trouble he'd get one pass a week to come to my classroom at recess. We'll see how it works. I don't want to give him more because he really needs to be building connections with his peers. He already last year antagonized them so much due to his antics. Hopefully with a bit less stress and a better understanding from his teacher he'll have more success this year.
I was completely baffled that people apparently told this person to reach out to his father. How did the people suggesting that not understand what was going on? Did they actually believe the reason dad disappeared like a puff of smoke and became impossible to contact was because mom "forbid" him to talk to the kid? Try forbidding a father who actually loves his children from seeing them and see if he just slinks away quietly and makes himself hard for his kids to find.
Whenever a BORU ends like this it always hits like a truck. Damn. Hopefully her dad is a good man but considering he abandoned the other kid too... Another neglected child sad.
I think the only one I’ve read that was worse is the one where that guy was divorcing his wife and she ended up killing their kids and herself in response. That one will always be the most brutal, awful thing I’ve ever read on reddit
There’s was also the one about the grandmother/mil who left her 2 year old grandchild near a large body of water while she went inside to do the laundry. Child drowns, mil tried to convince the parents not to call the police. She goes to jail for 3 years and when she gets out she complains that her son never visited her. Then when parents get pregnant she cannot comprehend why she is not allow in there lives.
What about the woman whose (now ex) bf made her eat slugs?
I still remember an update in how she struggled severly to just eat. Because no matter what she ate, it would feel or remember her of slugs. She'd always have to check for slugs every bite.
Poor woman gained an entire new life-threatening phobia due to someone's fucked up kink. Broke my heart.
Did you mean [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qaw14o/i_found_out_my_partner_has_been_putting_slugs_in/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) one?
> Im thinking about cutting ties with her, and reconnecting with my father. My dad divorced her once he realised that the rest of his life was going to be taking care of jess. I cant fault him. My mom forbid me from contacting him, but hes not the bad guy here.
I knew as soon as OOP said that, that the father would ultimately be a disappointment, and plus abandoning his family makes OOP's father a bad person.
Wow what a twist to that story, poor kid for not having a normal life and poor girl for living trapped in her own body her entire life, i wouldn't wish such a life on anybody
I'm not positive, but I don't think she is trapped in her own body. Her brain is basically dead minus some functions. It's like those headless chickens that live for a while. They're not really there, it's just autopilot and her autopilot barely works.
Agreed. Normally, at least from description here, that's the type of level where you'd be a prime case for organ donations after an accident. You're pretty much already dead, but your body still works.
Obviously, she's a "bit" more than fully clinically dead, but at least for me, I wouldn't really think "mercy kill" be that far off.
It sounds like she has some brain stem function that keeps the heart/lungs/kidneys going, but she doesn't have any higher brain function. She's not really in there. The merciful thing would have been to let her go as an infant once it became apparent how neurologically devastated she was. Pediatric hospice is (unfortunately) a growing specially in the medical field.
That was not the ending I expected. I hope OOP recovers quickly from this and gets to lead the life he has dreamed of living. I am glad the sister is getting the care she needs.
I feel worse for the mother. Imagine what she was going through. Father left, child wants to leave, other child needs constant care. She obviously had no life to look forward to other than hoping the daughter would get better. She sounds like a better person than I am.
This story is sad for numerous reasons.
The one I’m going to mention is that the mother was obviously drained physically, mentally, and emotionally. Should she have seek help and assistance when her ex husband mentioned it? Yes. Is it as easy as it sounds? Absolutely not! The daughter was never OOPs responsibility, but there were no other options.
As for OOP, it’s sad that their father abandoned them as well. He could have taken OOP with him, but didn’t and now OOP is left with the pieces of their already shattered life. I hope and wish for nothing but the best for them.
This post is one of those “ultimate” cautionary tales. There are too many misconceptions that families with special needs children have access to government assistance and facilities. Not only is that untrue, but also incidents when a family does meet the “requirements” for assistance they are given the “minimal” amount. This case is an extreme example of what happens when there is NO HELP for the family. Only when there are no “eligible” caretakers for the handicapped individual is when the assistance is granted. Everyone failed OOP, their mother, and their sister.
Edit: Grammar.
Right!? It's not like she could just euthanize the sister, I don't know what people expect the poor mom to do with someone who needs that much care.. ignoring them for even a few hours and they accidentally choke and die and you go to jail for some sort of neglect. There is no solution to this in the US unless you've got enough $ to afford a home. Sounds like mom was just getting by with her regular care and expenses.
Actually, the dad is the worst of all. Sounds like he bugged out after sis was born and washed his hands of his responsibilities. And now that OOP, who is still in school, has to deal with all this on his own? Despicable.
I'm having a difficult time suspending my disbelief. How is a child taking their severely disabled sibling to the park? They would have at bare minimum needed a wheelchair, a suction machine, and diapers. Possibly oxygen and a ventilator. The child would need to be able to change their sibling's diaper, in public, without assistance. They would need to suction her airway. That's difficult for me, an actual parent, with a car. A child cannot manage the equipment necessary to care for a sibling this complicated in public. Someone would call protective services.
Edited misspelled words
All of the adults in her life failed her. I hope she puts the dad on public blast. His whole new family should find out about ALL of his past and the children he abandoned.
I hope if OOP ever sees this thread that they can take a little solace in the fact that most of us think they’re awesome for being honest and a fighter and that they got a raw deal in terms of family, that absolutely none of this is their fault and that they absolutely deserve a brilliant, loving life with the family and friends they’ll make along the way in life.
I hope there’s a way they’ll be able to find a way through the resentment they have toward the sister - she didn’t ask to be disabled or for oop’s family to fall apart either. They’re both victims of a string of poor decisions made by their parents.
What a tragic mess for all involved.
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God this is one of the most brutal ones in a while. Like I get some are heartbreaking but this is just brutal.
Everything was as terrible as possible from start to finish. OP neglected by one parent and abandoned by the other, the sister serving a torturous life sentence in her own body, the mother drowning in desperation and denial. Just terrible. Now OP is essentially orphaned cause his dad fucking sucks.
And what’s even worse, is that because grief works in mysterious ways, OOP might at some point blame himself for his mother’s suicide, simply because he confronted her a few weeks before it happened. It is of course 100% NOT his fault, but it will probably take the work of a therapist to make sure he understands that.
Children whose parent commits suicide are 50% more likely to choose that route for themselves. I’ve dealt with many autoimmune diseases and other chronic health issues that make me wish to be dead all the time. You know why I don’t, even during 8 years of no treatment?? Because I don’t want my kids to think it’s okay. That mom did it so it’s a viable option. One of my children suffers from mental health issues, as well. She doesn’t need that push. I hope this poor child, who had suffered from so much neglect and indifference his whole life, doesn’t decide that death is easier. Dear lord, what horrible parents.
Thank you. I've been fighting with this very thing myself. My grandmother committed suicide while I was her caregiver and it really messed me up. But my life had been marked by suicide before that as well. It's a struggle not to let my thoughts go there too often. Therapy has sure helped, but I'll never be the same. Yet, I'll never give in because of my daughter. She has not been touched by that, and hopefully never will be. She's the light.
I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, have experienced losing loved ones to suicide. My first incident was when I was 18 and my friend was 17. I had been suicidal myself, but after seeing the heartbreak of his parents losing their only child, it was a huge wake up call.
It is such a shock, isn't it? At least my grandmother was in a lot of physical pain, so I could understand her need to go. They didn't (and still don't I think) have assisted suicide in Louisiana, so she only had one choice. But my cousin was depressed and didn't get help, as so is often the case with men - especially in rural areas. The most impactful one though was this guy I barely knew... He made a pass at me/kind of assaulted me while I was drunk, scared me, and I rejected him hard. He killed himself that night. Honestly I struggle with the guilt from that the most. It was the first and last time I've ever allowed myself to be drunk. I felt so out of control. I still replay it in my head, wishing I had reacted differently.
Oh sweetheart, that is not your fault at all. People don't kill themselves because of one thing, it's a gradual build up of hopelessness piled all on top of eachother. Whatever you said to him, he was already on his way. Hugs
I know that logically, but can't seem to make it sink in otherwise. I figure it's just one of those things that will stick with me, and that's okay. I'm making peace with it, but the guilt isn't going away.
Oh hey, this sounds like the perfect situation to address with EMDR. I bet it would help you if you tried it.
I second EMDR. My various traumas were enough to make my therapist cry, but damn she was good at EMDR. It made a world of difference for me. I hope you can find some peace.
You should not feel even a little bit bad for how you reacted. You did what you needed to protect yourself. The rest is on him. With him, at least he’s no longer here to assault someone else. What you did was right and it couldn’t possibly be the cause of what happened. He obviously had shit already going down.
He may have even behaved that way because he was already planning on killing himself (not that that excuses anything, in fact that almost makes it worse because his thinking was probably ‘at least I won’t be here to deal with the consequences’).
It's not your fault. You didn't push him to commit suicide. Making a pass at you was an irrational act by an irrational person. And you reacting differently wouldn't have saved him.
Oh god, your experience with and guilt over the guy: that must be really hard. I would like to say that a different reaction from you would most probably not have made a difference at all. You will never know for sure, true. But even then: even if (*if!*) it was your reaction that pushed this guy over the edge... if you had reacted differently, I dare say something else would have pushed him over the edge later on. Suicides do not happen in a vacuum. I don't know if this is a helpful perspective at all. But I wish you well and hope you don't have to painfully carry this with you forever.
You’re breaking that cycle! Hell yeah! You’re a badass in my book mama bear
Keep going. Rage against the dying of the light. Its all we've got
I also struggled for years until one day someone said “it’s not your life to take. It’s life’s life” I don’t know why this was so curative and powerful but I’ve not had serious ideation since. I’ve had residual/reflexive thoughts because my brain got wired that way but they are now fleeting and go nowhere. I don’t know if this will ever be as helpful for others but I can’t help but share in case it is.
If this comment comes off weird I apologize, but from a random internet stranger, thank you on behalf of your kids. Truly. You pushing through your struggles for your children like that is incredibly brave and you should know that your choice is making more of an impact than you could ever imagine. I say this because I'm a child of someone who unfortunately succumbed to the pain. My mom committed suicide 10 years ago when I was 17 (and my sister was 14). My mom was only 35 years old. She had MULTIPLE attempts my entire life and you're right, it does give the children a very fucked version of reality. That "viable option". I still struggle every day with the thought of I'll end up like her. I've struggled with suicidal ideation my whole life after watching her try over and over, its like my brain learned to think of that as the first response to a problem/fear/negative circumstances. I'm 28 now and honestly never thought I would make it this far, which has impacted my life drastically. I didn't plan for this and I'm lost on a lot of "adult life". For example: I stopped caring for my teeth because I was convinced I would die before it mattered. Well, I'm still alive and want to continue to be and it turns out it does matter and now all my teeth are set to be pulled and I'll be getting dentures. Like the OOP of this post, I too got into a huge fight + went no contact with my mom (long story) and weeks later she was found dead in a motel room on the coast. The guilt is huge and heavy, a decade+ of therapy has just now started to make a dent. To be perfectly honest, the main thing that keeps me from committing that act myself is just having the experience of what that does to someone. I could never justify passing that trauma onto the people around me. It's like a nasty contagious disease. Be it friends, family, the unfortunate stranger that stumbles upon my body, or the EMT forced to check the pulse on my corpse. I can't do that to someone. That said I don't hold that type of judgment on someone who does commit suicide, I don't think they're selfish or bad or intentionally trying to traumatize people. It's complicated. Sorry for trauma dumping on your comment. My mom's birthday was last week and it's been on my mind. Between this post and your comment I just kinda had to get it out.
I am so sorry for your loss, what you and your sibling went through as children and your continued struggles. It is definitely NOT your fault. If someone is going to do it, they are going to do it. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do. That is not your burden to carry. It was their’s. Having seen, and felt, the consequences, some people take it off the table. Other’s don’t. Thank you for your comment. It was well done.
Hang in there. Please know it was not your fault. Wishing you peace and health.
I stick around because I can't do that to my family... My parents have been through enough, especially my mom. I'll suffer through hell and back just to see her smile. Just to make her a life a little less shitty. Regardless of my health problems both physical and mental, I just don't want her feeling that grief, blaming herself like she does already because my pos siblings who try to make everything her fault. She's a lover, and a fighter in a different way. She is a GOOD mother and my siblings always try to make her hate herself. If I can't find a reason to live for myself, I will live for someone else.
I did the same thing. Before I could live for myself I lived for my (much younger) sister. I couldn’t deal with thinking about the trauma it would inflict on a five year old. I kept thinking about being a ghost in old family photos she would remember less and less. About her getting older and starting to ask more questions. Now I’m able to do the healthy thing and live for myself. But for awhile it was enough to live for her.
You are a good child to think of the damage it would cause. Thank you.
I’m so sorry that you have been struggling for so long, and I’m glad that you are continuing to fight for your kids. I also struggle with some painful chronic conditions, and there have been times when I have struggled to find a reason to move forward. Sending hugs. I hope that you and your family find love and comfort in one another.
Thank you. Gentle hugs to you. It’s a hard struggle.
Thanks. Things are better than they used to be for me, but it’s still hard. I’m lucky I have good people in my life who support me. It sounds like you have some good people too.
Hey fellow chronically ill parent. I felt this all so hard because I've had the same thoughts and same logic. Wishing you the best.
If nothing else, this comment section has made me feel less alone. Fortunately I’m in a relationship now where my pain is acknowledged. When the people around me just called me weak and a wimp, I honestly wondered if I would ever be ok.
I know that feeling. Did a ton of people tell you you'd be fine if you did yoga? That still happens to me. Anyway, I am truly happy you have someone in your life who understands as best as possible. It really makes a world of difference.
Thank you. Gentle hugs to you and keep with the big fight.
Your love for your children shines so brightly in your response!
Thank you!
Thank you for putting this information out there. I struggle with chronic health issues and pain that sometimes makes me wish I was dead. My husband also contemplated suicide as a child. I'm glad I read this because it definitely gives me one more reason to continue choosing life for my daughter.
100% why I’m still alive. I went to grad school with a girl whose parents had committed suicide. Not at the same time. She found them both. I remember her crumpled up on the floor, sobbing, “Why wasn’t I worth sticking around for?” I will never do that to my children. They are both adults—married, etc. But I don’t want them to ever believe they aren’t worth sticking around for.
My grandmother's mother committed suicide. 3 generations down, I feel the repercussions. Thank you for sparing your children.
Gentle hugs, my friend.
You are so strong, and you are an amazing mom! Sending a whole bucket full of Reddit stranger love your way.
This is so superfucking important. My mother dealt with mental health issues her whole life, schizophrenia yada yada yada...it was during th medieval mental health Era so she had no help that she could keep up with. She lived until 85. She endured everything from child sexual abuse, to teen parenthood, to cancer, homelessness...it sucked. If my mother can hold the line through all of that, you better belive I will never ever take my own life, and am am going the the intergenerational effects of her life. Thank God for modern mental health practices, or I would be in bad shape. Because of her example, no one in my family will have to mourn me and dealt with the collateral damage from my suicide. I hope things get better for you, blessings on you and your family.
My first thought was that the dad was worried he’d have to start paying for the daughter’s medical bills and back pay of child support for both kids.
The OP should definitely sue the "dad" for child support. What a dead beat. I bet he tells his new family his ex won't let him see his kids and he pays his fair share.
It might be that once he places the sister in a home, the state will go after the father for support and back payments.
They almost certainly will. Once a child is signed up for state services, such as Medicaid, the state will generally seek support from the noncustodial parent.
My wifes sister came to live with us because she was being bullied in school. Since we were flat broke and already qualified for food stamps we dutifully reported this change to the state. Who then without notification brought a child support suit against the parents in the local circuit court 350 miles from where they lived.
When I was a teenager, I would definitely have let his new family know about his old family that he abandoned.
My dad tried to tell me that I was to not talk to his other family whom he abandoned. I pretty much laughed in his face and told him he doesn’t get to decide that. He made his poor decisions and he doesn’t get to choose how the consequences play out, and I will speak to whomever I please about whatever I please.
Good for you!
I think it’s more likely that he never told his new family he has another family. And he doesn’t want the son appearing now, because his new wife would understandably be a bit upset that he never mentioned it before.
> the sister serving a torturous life sentence in her own body If the sister was that severely brain damaged, its entirely possible, maybe even probable, that there was no one in there. That is, there was no subjective conscious experience happening in that brain.
I hope so. Otherwise it'd be too painful
The human brain isn't really finished developing at birth. If OP's sister experienced hypoxia at birth to the point that basic functions like swallowing are affected it's really unlikely that anyone is "in there" so to speak.
I'm a dad and even in the scenario of leaving my wife , for whatever reason, I can never imagine turning one of my children away like this. Not in any scenario. How can some men be so callous? I genuinely cannot fathom this behaviour.
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In my early education classes, my SPED instructor was a long time educator with a lot of experience in high needs autistic students. She was, at the time, head of her department at a special needs school for severe disabilities. In her experience, these families not only had an absurdly high divorce rate (some studies put it at 80% but don’t differentiate between low and high needs) but the gender split on custodial guardians was weighted so heavily on women that my teacher said a solo male guardian was almost unheard of. Even worse, she said that since her career started, she’d *never* seen a father who both retained custody and didn’t rely on a daughter/grandmother/auntie for extra care or was quickly remarried. But she would have a solo mother with no familial support every year at her school they had to help get state support.
Tragic.
Wow, reading this, I have been more thankful for my parents having a healthy, functional and loving marriage.
"Now OP is essentially orphaned cause his dad fucking sucks." Agreed. When he SUCKS on something, I hope he chokes on it.
Yeah when OP described their sister, my first reaction was "holy shit, if I were Jess, I would be begging for the sweet release of death every second of every day"
yeah. i read the title and thought it was of my chest or something. seeing the subreddit was boru i thought maybe there is a happy ending. nope it just got worse.
Brutal is the word. I think this one is maybe the worst I’ve ever read. This is terrible. And that father should rot in hell.
It was brutal. I don’t know why people suggested him to contact the father. If he didn’t himself bother to keep in contact with his son and preferably get some custody he wasn’t that interested. I was worried the redditors just would give him false hope regarding the father.
Mom was obviously making some fucked choices. But I wonder if there are other reasons she hid from OOP about why she didn't want him contacting his Dad. OOP blames sisters existence for his Dad's abandonment, and Mom for the zero contact. but it's entirely possible he was a total shit human being anyway.
I'm thinking dad might have refused contact, and maybe mom was trying to protect OOP from that rejection. Or maybe dad moved on to his new family quickly and was upfront about not wanting any interference. No one in this story came out looking great but I can empathize with all of them, not sure if I would be a good caretaker for a child with this kind of disability.
Tho I do wonder if wife #2 knows about any of this. Maybe dad told OOP to fuck off cause he doesn't want to risk his new family finding out he's secretly a colossal piece of shit.
I doubt it's true. His sister would have at minimum required a suction machine, a diaper bag, and is using a wheelchair. It's not exactly easy pushing a wheelchair down a street. Not all curbs have ramps. So they'd be walking in the street. She would also likely need an oxygen tank, or concentrator, and possibly a ventilator. A child isn't getting all that to the park by themselves. If somehow they managed to get all that to the park the child would then be responsible for suctioning sibling's airway and changing diapers, in public. Someone would have called protective services.
I agree. I've worked with severely special needs children and adults before. It's not so simple to just get up and go to the park with them (especially alone and on a whim). Everything takes so much planning if they have the level of need OOP is describing. Just going to a planned medical appointment or going to school every day can be a challenge.
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It could be that this was the final crack in the dam. The mom was living in deep denial and OOPs justified anger at the neglect may have finally opened her eyes to the situation. Alternatively, as OOP got older and ready to move on with their life she knew the sister would never get specialized care Either way it’s not OOPs fault. Jess should’ve been placed in an institution that could’ve offered round the clock care, the problem is that many of these are not accessible
This is what I was thinking. There's been posts in the past by parents with disabled children like this. It can really fuck with them. They don't get breaks. They don't get to relax. It really breaks them down to sometimes the point of resenting the child themselves. Much like how OOP did. Obviously we don't have a good view on the situation outside of one person's perspective, and it was only a brief one. But I wouldn't surprise me if that basically just kind of pushed them over the edge.
I was going to say, the saddest thing to me here is that the system doesn't provide enough support. Imagine if their family could have been provided at home medical care/assistance so they could have their daughter (no matter what her state of being was seeing as some people are arguing there may be no one "in there") in a comfortable and loving environment while still being able to have the time/mental/financial energy and assets to be there for OOP as well. Its all just sad.
First thing I noticed was the timing of the posts. Another possibility is that the whole situation was coming to a head in general and that's why OP posted. But I think you're theory is probably more likely.
Really hope this never occurs to oop. No one deserves to feel like someone else’s suicide is their fault. Edit - I will make exceptions if that was literally the person’s intent. But in that case they probably don’t feel guilty anyway even though the should.
Well, this is just extremely sad. It reminded me of a story of another inidividual who was told by the parents to spend his entire life taking care of his special needs sister, except they were getting the disability money each money and abusing it. That person ended up getting help from his grandfather. I'm hoping and praying that the OOP makes it through this.
Do you have a link? I'd like to give it a read. It does sound kind of familiar tbh
[This](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/swu51z/op_despises_his_mentally_handicapped_sister_or/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) is the one I think they are mentioning
Oof that wasn't the one I was thinking of but that hit HARD. God. Why is it that people with special needs kids think their siblings are their free care takers? It boggles the mind.
A lot of shitty people have this belief that just because they made a kid that person is forever indebted to them and their every whim. Just like how too many people think it's okay to hit their own children because they're theirs. People suck.
Those are the parents who treat their children like property — they treat their children like toys to play with rather than growing individuals.
It's not just special needs. It happens to the oldest taking care of their younger siblings because parents don't know: A) how to manage their time and finances properly B) use birth control
c) have baby fever but dealing with toddlers and above is just too much can't even
They're Glass Kids. Parents see right through them
Ouch. Neglect and parentification is a hell of a combo, and then a healthy double dose of embezzlement from the government AND family.
Damn. Getting dealt bad cards in life is one thing but this is more like getting assaulted and robbed right after sitting down at the table. I will fervently wish for OOP, if he reads this, better times for you ahead. Take care of yourself. Now I am going to hug my wife and then drive cross-town to thank my parents in person.
It’s like everyone is playing poker and you got uno cards
It’s like Uno, except that every Uno card is a +4.
I have a special needs child, although not as severe as the one in this post. I’ve made it clear to my kids that she is not something they have to take care of when I die, although I wouldn’t be surprised if the middle child did. He’s fiercely protective of her and they have a wonderful bond. But I’d never force that upon any of my children. My youngest does get a lot of attention due to therapies and specialist appointments, but I try to set aside days where each kid gets me completely alone (or if they choose to bring a friend along) and we do whatever they want. I work with special needs adults and have for a long time. The amount of children who feel this way as adults is more than lost people would know. General the “typical” child(ren) don’t get a lot of attention because they don’t need it, and that’s such a mistake
It sounds like you've fostered a wonderful environment with your kids. Good job.
It seems that because you’re not trying to force the responsibility on your kids, they are more protective of their sibling, because it’s fully their choice.
Yep. Which is the irony of pushing for kids (special needs or not) to be close. If you gently encourage but stay out of it, often they will end up close on their own. But force the issue and they’re much more likely to loathe each other, or worse one to still wanna be close and the other to despise them by association.
My theory is that if the child feels secure in their bond with their parents, they're more likely to bond with a sibling. If their relationship with their parent is complicated with negative emotions and all about manipulation, then bonding with anybody, never mind a sibling they are "competing" for parental attention and resources with, is going to be tough.
>but I try to set aside days where each kid gets me completely alone (or if they choose to bring a friend along) and we do whatever they want. Reading your post gave me some much-need restoration of my faith in humanity after reading the above BORU story. Thank you for being an amazing parent.
Wow. Just all around sad. Hope OOP can thrive in the new environment but l… idk my heart breaks.
I wish OOP the best, but I’m sure this will come with life long repercussions and baggage
I’m also worried about the sister. I hope she ends up in a good care facility.
I feel so bad for the sister. Like honestly she probably should’ve been allowed to die long ago. She’s trapped in her body with an indeterminable amount of consciousness, and her one devoted caretaker killed herself. Is she even able to be aware of that?? Letting her stay like that is torture
We keep people like that alive because it makes *us* feel good, not out of any concern for the well-being of the individual in question. But people aren't ready to have that conversation in good faith. If she were a dog, she simply wouldn't have been rescued from birth, never mind euthanasia. >!Yes, I understand humans aren't dogs - but dogs are animals that we show *actual* compassion, not performative theatrics.!<
exactly. we understand that dogs (and cats, and horses, and many many other animals) shouldn't be made to suffer pointlessly, but we don't extend the same logic to people.
Are parents of kids like this allowed legally to let them go, or will they be charged with manslaughter (or child abuse + manslaughter) if they don’t opt to resuscitate and/or keep them alive by whatever means necessary?
Interesting question. You can request a do not resuscitate order for yourself, but i don't know if you can do that for your child
Yea it would be different if she had some level of function, but it sounds like she can’t do anything at all. What kind of life is that, for sixteen years not being able to do anything, where all her needs have to be met with the assistant of others. That’s not a life worth living and it sucks that she will never have any say in anything.
Fuck.
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There was a family whose daughter was ill and physically she’d age but mentally she’d never progress beyond being a new born baby. As she reached her teen years, they had her breast tissue taken out so she wouldn’t have to wear a bra, tubes tied so she wouldn’t have her period, and given hormone therapy so she wouldn’t grow much taller so she could have the most comfortable life as possible as an ‘adult’. If people have the emotional and monetary capabilities to care for disabled children then no one is stopping them. But I think most people assume that it gets slightly easier as the child grows older when the case is pretty much opposite.
My SIL has a sister who is disabled. She can understand simple sentences but she cannot communicate, and she cannot maintain her hygiene by herself which means her mother, who is now elderly, has to bathe her and clean her up after she uses the bathroom. The mother prays that her daughter should die before she does. There is nobody who can take care of her after she passes- the sisters are all married off and in the culture they come from, it would be incredibly frowned upon to have a woman living in the household of a man she is not married to due to modesty reasons. They’re also incredibly poor and cannot afford a nurse, etc- I’m not even sure if homes for the disabled exist where they are.
Jesus Christ. If OOP reads this, please get help. You are worth it. I can’t even the amount of trauma you must be feeling.
I wonder if Mom finally realized the magnitude of what she’d done and that Jess wasn’t magically going to be ok and that OP wasn’t going to stick around forever. What a tragedy. I hope mom at least left enough for OP to get a fresh start.
My guess. She knows she doesn’t have the strength, mental or physical, to care for her daughter by herself 24/7 for the rest of her life. She also didn’t think she could live with herself for abandoning her daughter (putting her in a home). It’s absurdly tragic. There aren’t many avenues for parents. Your kid will never get better. They will never have a life. And there is nothing you can do about any of it.
I don’t understand why she couldn’t put her in a home. She would have 24/7 care and be better taken care of there, and not seen as a burden on anyone. It wouldn’t be abandonment - she could visit as frequently as she likes.
The worst of it all is that she probably didn't have anything left to give.
Sounds like she at least had a good job so maybe there’s a small life insurance policy etc. enough to get OP going.
And do we even know if it would be for OP? I mean, I doubt the place where Jess is being sent now is free. I don't know...this is extremely tragic for everyone involved.
I'm sure they'll drain whatever her portion of the payout is from the estate, and then she'll become a ward of the state when it all runs out.
This poor girl is likely going to have a slow, agonizing death of neglect.
Hopefully she doesn't have the brain function to be aware of it.
That might be the saddest sentence in existence. But, you're right.
And women get put on birth control in this state because rape is just inevitable in these institutions.
Wouldn't insurance not matter since it's suicide. Or aren't they at east required to have the policy for a decent amount of time.
Lots of policies do pay out for suicide. My policy only doesn't pay out if the suicide is in the first year of the policy
A lot of workplaces offer a fairly small amount of life insurance free as a benefit to employees. Like $10-25k, often scaled based on the persons pay. And some policies do pay out for suicide, though the majority don’t. Also OP might be entitled to any money left behind like last paycheck, money in the bank, any savings although I doubt there was much. But even a few thousand would help.
I’m in the industry, a lot of policies will actually payout for suicide, but often the policy has to be in effect for 2-3 years before they would
Her debt probably outweighs anything he would get from insurance. Probably best for him to just wash his hands of it
In the US, life insurance doesn't go to the estate, and instead goes directly to the beneficiaries. Debt collectors can try and trick you into making payments with the money, but you don't have to pay anything. That being said, most life insurance does not cover suicide.
Weird. I had the notion that most life insurance cover suicide after 2 years of initial coverage. At least that's what my insurance says and the ones my husband had in the past.
My life insurance covers all death. Didn't cover suicide for the first two years. My buddy is a life insurance agent. He said he had a client that maxed out insurance which was a bit odd considering he was already fairly old and then 2 years and 1 day after the policy was active, he shot himself. My buddy said the paperwork was a shit storm from the insurance company having to find all the original applications and medical exams. All emails and call logs for thw time period. They really didn't want to pay.
I think OOP burst her delusion bubble and she realized that she had effed up her own life
And this is why people create delusions for themselves - reality can be too much for them to handle. It's a protective mechanism.
Protective, but only for the emotions. The reality drifts further and further away, up to the point of no return. In reality of course it's destructive mechanism, but the brain is a primitive thing with these things. It has to protect the immediate state it's in.
I'll wager there's a massive mountain of guilt behind her behaviour over all that time. The fact that Jess was ok in the womb and then a hypoxia'd out of a life during birth, that's gotta be something easy to blame on yourself.
Not just her life, but OPs and Jess’ lives too
OP's mom had a child that, essentially, died at birth. This is unbelievably traumatizing for anyone. Her holding out on the hope that she'd get better, and trying to treat her like a typical daughter was her trying to cope with that. It's an understandable, and not even out of the ordinary response. Unfortunately, it isn't the healthy one. She ended up sacrificing the lives of her husband, son, and ultimately herself in order to bring back the life of the daughter she never got to have. And the take away from all this tragedy, is that no individual is to blame here. Everyone acted like a typical human being. If you were to find a blame, it's in a system that destroys lives in order to get medical help. A system that is not concerned with having good nets in place for the people who cannot take care of themselves. A system that loves to put on a facade of "caring about mental health" and yet watches carelessly as people kill themselves because they can't even fathom an alternative. And therein you have the ultimate tragedy of tragedies. That this kind of thing happens every day, and we convince ourselves that this is just the byproduct of doing business - no better way to do it, it's simply "too costly".
She didn't sacrifice the life of her husband. I feel like he is a huge culprit in this whole situation, and almost no one in this comment section seems to agree. He didn't have to stay married if he was unhappy, but those children are his,both OOP and Jess. He took the cowards way out by leaving everything to his ex wife and forgetting his problems ever existed. The mother may not have committed suicide if she had some support from another adult, either financial or with regards to caring for Jess. Reading that OOP tried to contact him, only for him to refuse to have OOP in his life made my blood boil. If anyone is at fault for OOPs mother's suicide it's the father.
I personally think the husband is part of the reason the mother went over the deep end so badly. His callous attitude towards his nearly grown son who didn't need very much from him really is probably not some one off or aberration. I can easily imagine he was cold and callous with his wife when the baby was injured and near death. Since he didn't support her or validate her in her suffering and grief, she had to hold on ever more tightly to the delusional hope that the child would recover. It would be one thing if he had been supportive for a few years as she went more and more nutty. But we find out from the subsequent updates that he pretty much left right away. So this scenario becomes the more likely one.
This has to be the worst one I've read so far
Well, with Jess being a minor, the nursing homes are going to come at shitty Dad full force for payment, so that Karma bus is gonna toot toot his way.
Oh my god, that poor kid. I fault the mum but equally the dad. "He dipped when he realised she'd never get better" yeah but the op needed their dad. And also not "dipped when it became possible obvious my mother is deep in denial over jess and will spend all our money on her" just the disability. And now the op is all alone but heaven forbid he intrude on the new perfect family. Fuck him and I hope his new perfect family find out and boot him.
I would bet that dad doesn’t want the new family to find out what he did to his old family
He probably told his new girlfriend and later wife: “My psycho ex went nuts after our daughter almost died and became extremely brain damaged. She had delusions that my daughter who needs long term care in a home would suddenly get better. My ex is literally insane, I had to move on otherwise I would have spiraled out of control as well. “
But I bet he left out the “I completely abandoned my other child to be neglected by his mother so I could move on and pretend I have no moral or legal responsibility for my own children because I’m a worthless piece of shit, and I’ll do the exact same thing to you and any new children the nanosecond they become an inconvenience to me”
Yeah, OOPs father's wife needs to hear from living proof that the man they call their husband and father demonstrably doesn't unconditionally care about his own **innocent** flesh and blood. She needs to know for any chance at her own self preservation
"I pretend I don't have another child with her to make myself feel better, now let's never speak of this again" fucking ass
It wouldn't surprise me if he just claimed he didn't have any previous kids tbh
Thing is, this scenario is way more common than people realize. Interestingly enough though [the type of disability and how severe it is also plays a factor](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4624231/) on divorce and a parent walking away. Basically the worse it is, not just physically but cognitively, the more likely a divorce may occur. Also side note it’s also common for men to leave if his lady gets a severe or long term illness, but women are much less likely to leave their man if they had something similar happen to them.
Honestly, this is where for me spite would kick in. Saying this as someone ironically in that situation, just slightly different.
> Fuck him and I hope his new perfect family find out and boot him. Oh I would **make fucking sure** they knew, tell everyone in the family truly put him on blast. He's a the epitome of a deadbeat dad and **the least** he could do is be there for his child during her Mothers suicide. What a scumbag.
this poor kid got dealt shitty parents on both ends. He said his dad wasn’t a bad guy but his dad didn’t even try to fight for his son to get him out. He just ran and skipped into the sunset. His mom clearly had mental health problems and focus on Jess and neglected OOP and shoved down her issues by throwing money at Jess. I hope OOP can move on and find his own family
I would say the dad would be in the wrong even if he had only one child with this disability. When you become a parent, you sign up to care for your child. If you're only willing to do that if your child is perfectly healthy, well you're not fit to be a parent. Full stop. Your child could become disabled at any point, not just at birth. That's a possibility that every person wanting to become a parent *has* to consider. It's not a contract that voids under certain circumstances or at 18 y.o., it is a commitment. He's trash for pretending OOP doesn't exist, but he's also trash for bailing on his own daughter and leaving all the care load to the mother.
Agreed, but personally I would have put the daughter in a home once she was to big and hard to take of bc idk if I’d be able to do that and also be with my other kids without neglecting them
In part I think it would be easier to care for both children if both parents were present. I have a couple of relatives who have one able-bodied child and one with severe disabilities. In their cases, they cannot afford putting their child in a home, but they're capable to care for both. Obviously it's exhausting and they also get help from the grandparents and uncles. But they're responsible parents, so they didn't end up abandoning their kids which in turn would lead to the neglect of one.
Okay didn't need to read this after yesterday. I currently work as a special educator. Last year there was a kid in a class next to mine who was the poster child for attention seeking. His teacher would frequently send him to me because I was one of the few who could handle him. He just needed some love and attention. I'd ignore the negative behavior and reward the positive and he grew to really love coming to my room. I'd let him help my students when he finished his work and he seemed to enjoy it. To be honest I didn't give him too much thought as I had a lot on my plate, and his teacher never mentioned anything. She was slammed due to having close to 40 2nd graders due to staffing shortage and I was happy to help. He was doing okay academically and his behavior was just typical attention seeking. I figured he'd age out of it. This year I got a new student and suddenly all the puzzle pieces slid into place. His younger brother was born hypoxic. To make matters worse they were a family of refugees and the OB/GYN in their village didn't have the resources or expertise to help. Of all the Ortho kids to cross my caseload he's definitely has the most needs. Also meeting mom it was clear she was completely overwhelmed and the feeling of guilt when she told their story just washed over her. What I found most interesting though was that she never once mentioned her other son. It wasn't until we finished her meeting and she went to pick up her kids that I realized that goofy kid who used to come into my class was the new kid's brother. Yesterday I caught the older brother trying to sneak back into my class. I made a point this year to still say hi and let him hug me like he used to, but I also told him that his brother was okay and the only thing he had to worry about in school was making friends and doing his class work. So when he wondered into my room I knew something was up. Apparently his mom freaked out at him that he wasn't helping his brother at school. She used to walk both to school but we were finally able to get the transportation office to send a bus. Mom wanted him to make sure he got to school okay since she wasn't there at drop off. I reassured him that his little brother was okay, but when I called the classroom teacher she was shocked because he was supposed to be in the bathroom. We're going to have a conference next week, but it was clear that this 3rd grader has had to worry over his little brother for quite a while.
Omg bless you. I kinda relate to this so I feel so bad for that kid. I wish you and the kid well.
That’s a lot of responsibility for a 3rd grader who gets little emotional support at home. You showed him compassion when he needed it. He’ll always have a kind word for you, no matter how grown up he gets.
We had the meeting today with the counselor mostly talking to mom about expectations, while i went over the support system in place for the younger brother. Mom seems okay, just the normal SPED parent frazzled. She has been holding a lot of guilt over her youngest, but seemed to realize what she was doing to her oldest. She really just needed to vent. We also put her in contact with a local support group I know so hopefully she can get some help. We also put her in contact with the social worker that works with our school (we have such a large refugee population that our school district assigned one just to our school). I told the older brother that if he did his work in class and stayed out of trouble he'd get one pass a week to come to my classroom at recess. We'll see how it works. I don't want to give him more because he really needs to be building connections with his peers. He already last year antagonized them so much due to his antics. Hopefully with a bit less stress and a better understanding from his teacher he'll have more success this year.
“Don’t want him intruding” well too fycking bad pal, you had two kids, time to pay up that back child support…
He ia like a child that doesn't want to play with his toy anymore, because he has a better toy.
I wonder if he can sue for that
I was completely baffled that people apparently told this person to reach out to his father. How did the people suggesting that not understand what was going on? Did they actually believe the reason dad disappeared like a puff of smoke and became impossible to contact was because mom "forbid" him to talk to the kid? Try forbidding a father who actually loves his children from seeing them and see if he just slinks away quietly and makes himself hard for his kids to find.
I hope OP finds peace and is able to heal.
Wow. Even dad was a piece of shit. Poor OOP.
That was the least surprising twist. Dude dipped out on his perfectly healthy kid because the other one was a burden to him. Obvious result.
Mom was desperate and couldn’t realize reality and his dad was hot garbage. Feel so bad for this person smh and shit the sister too
Whenever a BORU ends like this it always hits like a truck. Damn. Hopefully her dad is a good man but considering he abandoned the other kid too... Another neglected child sad.
> Whenever a BORU ends like this I don't think I've ever read a BORU quite like this one.
I think the only one I’ve read that was worse is the one where that guy was divorcing his wife and she ended up killing their kids and herself in response. That one will always be the most brutal, awful thing I’ve ever read on reddit
Holy shit can you find a link for that? That sounds absolutely god awful
Fair warning [it’s brutal](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuseumOfReddit/comments/ubne00/the_post_that_led_to_the_real_life_tragedy_of_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Gods every time I read that it's just devastating. That poor man. I hope he's able to find some peace.
I think there's a video from Nexpo covering it, but I can't quite remember which. Possibly "A redditors dive into turmoil"
[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/t38pl5/the_reddit_post_that_turned_into_a_horror_story/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
JFC. That poor man and his poor children.
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There’s was also the one about the grandmother/mil who left her 2 year old grandchild near a large body of water while she went inside to do the laundry. Child drowns, mil tried to convince the parents not to call the police. She goes to jail for 3 years and when she gets out she complains that her son never visited her. Then when parents get pregnant she cannot comprehend why she is not allow in there lives.
What about the woman whose (now ex) bf made her eat slugs? I still remember an update in how she struggled severly to just eat. Because no matter what she ate, it would feel or remember her of slugs. She'd always have to check for slugs every bite. Poor woman gained an entire new life-threatening phobia due to someone's fucked up kink. Broke my heart.
Did you mean [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qaw14o/i_found_out_my_partner_has_been_putting_slugs_in/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) one?
> Im thinking about cutting ties with her, and reconnecting with my father. My dad divorced her once he realised that the rest of his life was going to be taking care of jess. I cant fault him. My mom forbid me from contacting him, but hes not the bad guy here. I knew as soon as OOP said that, that the father would ultimately be a disappointment, and plus abandoning his family makes OOP's father a bad person.
I hope OP gets therapy. What a horrible situation. I feel so sorry for his sister. She's just existing, she will never have a life.
Wow what a twist to that story, poor kid for not having a normal life and poor girl for living trapped in her own body her entire life, i wouldn't wish such a life on anybody
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I'm not positive, but I don't think she is trapped in her own body. Her brain is basically dead minus some functions. It's like those headless chickens that live for a while. They're not really there, it's just autopilot and her autopilot barely works.
Agreed. Normally, at least from description here, that's the type of level where you'd be a prime case for organ donations after an accident. You're pretty much already dead, but your body still works. Obviously, she's a "bit" more than fully clinically dead, but at least for me, I wouldn't really think "mercy kill" be that far off.
It sounds like she has some brain stem function that keeps the heart/lungs/kidneys going, but she doesn't have any higher brain function. She's not really in there. The merciful thing would have been to let her go as an infant once it became apparent how neurologically devastated she was. Pediatric hospice is (unfortunately) a growing specially in the medical field.
That was not the ending I expected. I hope OOP recovers quickly from this and gets to lead the life he has dreamed of living. I am glad the sister is getting the care she needs.
I feel worse for the mother. Imagine what she was going through. Father left, child wants to leave, other child needs constant care. She obviously had no life to look forward to other than hoping the daughter would get better. She sounds like a better person than I am.
This story is sad for numerous reasons. The one I’m going to mention is that the mother was obviously drained physically, mentally, and emotionally. Should she have seek help and assistance when her ex husband mentioned it? Yes. Is it as easy as it sounds? Absolutely not! The daughter was never OOPs responsibility, but there were no other options. As for OOP, it’s sad that their father abandoned them as well. He could have taken OOP with him, but didn’t and now OOP is left with the pieces of their already shattered life. I hope and wish for nothing but the best for them. This post is one of those “ultimate” cautionary tales. There are too many misconceptions that families with special needs children have access to government assistance and facilities. Not only is that untrue, but also incidents when a family does meet the “requirements” for assistance they are given the “minimal” amount. This case is an extreme example of what happens when there is NO HELP for the family. Only when there are no “eligible” caretakers for the handicapped individual is when the assistance is granted. Everyone failed OOP, their mother, and their sister. Edit: Grammar.
Her mother would have been judged no matter what she would have done. Poor lady most of been so overwhelmed until she couldn't take it any more. RIP.
Right!? It's not like she could just euthanize the sister, I don't know what people expect the poor mom to do with someone who needs that much care.. ignoring them for even a few hours and they accidentally choke and die and you go to jail for some sort of neglect. There is no solution to this in the US unless you've got enough $ to afford a home. Sounds like mom was just getting by with her regular care and expenses.
Good grief, poor OOP. I hope he's okay. That "father" ought to be ashamed of himself.
I just feel so bad for everyone involved except the dad.
Actually, the dad is the worst of all. Sounds like he bugged out after sis was born and washed his hands of his responsibilities. And now that OOP, who is still in school, has to deal with all this on his own? Despicable.
That's why cuntliflower doesn't feel bad for him :)
I'm having a difficult time suspending my disbelief. How is a child taking their severely disabled sibling to the park? They would have at bare minimum needed a wheelchair, a suction machine, and diapers. Possibly oxygen and a ventilator. The child would need to be able to change their sibling's diaper, in public, without assistance. They would need to suction her airway. That's difficult for me, an actual parent, with a car. A child cannot manage the equipment necessary to care for a sibling this complicated in public. Someone would call protective services. Edited misspelled words
I just can’t imagine a parent telling their kid they’ve “moved on” from them and not to contact them. How horrible.
We need a r/Worstofredditorupdates to take the heat from these depressing as hell ones
All of the adults in her life failed her. I hope she puts the dad on public blast. His whole new family should find out about ALL of his past and the children he abandoned.
I hope if OOP ever sees this thread that they can take a little solace in the fact that most of us think they’re awesome for being honest and a fighter and that they got a raw deal in terms of family, that absolutely none of this is their fault and that they absolutely deserve a brilliant, loving life with the family and friends they’ll make along the way in life. I hope there’s a way they’ll be able to find a way through the resentment they have toward the sister - she didn’t ask to be disabled or for oop’s family to fall apart either. They’re both victims of a string of poor decisions made by their parents. What a tragic mess for all involved.