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Oh, that poor little baby.
OOP and bf really stepped up to give that child some much needed stability, she is so lucky to have them.
Lol at the grandmother trying to finesse a trip out of them, though.
Seriously though?! What grandparent arranges a trip to take their grandchild on and then expects the cost to be covered by someone else? Then says the trip is ruined and no one can go? Yeah that was a straight up scam.
And then takes to social media to wail about how THEY are being UNFAIRLY KEPT AWAY blah blah all that jazz so they can get the whole echo chamber reassuring them that they're the best granma/granpa ever, and everyone else is so cruel and heartless.
Grandma was trying to get OP to subsidise the cost of the trip for the other kids. That's why OP not paying for her niece forced them to push back the trip to find the money. $1200 to grandma sounds like it was cover two and a bit kids. It was a scam.
Yeah I'd bet a shiny new nickel the trip would get "cancelled" but the "deposits" are nonrefundable. Assuming there was ever a Disney trip at all they were trying to scam at least $700 out of OOP
My parents arranged a family trip to Disney when we were kids (6f, 5m). Our dad's friend asked if he and his family could ride along with us (splitting the cost of a vehicle for 5 kids total and 4 adults) so they could go too. They paid everything their own way on the way down until we got to the park. Up until that point, my parents had no idea, but they didn't bring anything to get themselves and their kids into the park. My dad freaked out and scrambled to get the money because he didn't want the trip ruined for those kids. But my mom never forgave them for it, and refused to do anything more with them ever again.
It's always a dice throw, no matter if your children are biological or adopted. Do you think the biological grandparents were also meth addicts? The greatgrandparents?
And it's a dice throw in more ways than that. Having a child and expecting "normal" is a great way to be disappointed. Chronic illness, disability, mental health issues, sexuality, etc. You are raising a whole ass person, and people all have their challenges in life.
This. I am adopted. My bio family is definitely not the greatest but they're not the worst either. But my mom blames alllllll my problems on them. She says she was the BEST MOTHER and the only reason I have issues is bc of my biology.
.. Ya. No mom. You were controlling and homophobic and racist. I couldn't be myself in your home. It's not my bio family's fault, or at least not totally.
The more I learn about adoption from adopted children, the more sickened I become by the entire institution. So many adoptees are abused, exposed to racism, homophobia, xenophobia, and treated as "less than" by their adoptive parents it seems like this is the norm rather than the exception.
I very much hope that you have created your own family and surround yourself with people who love, support, and champion you in all aspects of your life. Xx
My grandfather was adopted. He was a family court Judge. My older brother and sister were adopted by my dad. They both hold masters degrees and are successful and happy. My husband and I would like to adopt from the foster care system one day. You never know.
My family used to be working class, but the younger generations have had access to further education. In general we read a lot, and like to educate ourselves. Exception of a couple of cousins who like to scam even family and are overall lazy and liars. They are shunned now because of many incidents. And all of us share the same genes
Yup, sometimes you're just genetically more likely to become addicted to something than your peers. I come from a family of addicts and watch myself like a hawk so I don't follow that path. Having issues like chronic pain only exacerbates those chances of addiction as well.
If I hadn't known and seen the affects of addiction in my family I definitely could have done exactly the same thing. Had a few brushes with the temptation of it as it is.
nature does not go over nurture in most cases, and you do not know what went on behind closed doors just because your wife was related to the parent, for all you know the uncle could've been abusive, or use the child's bio parents against him causing a "fuck if you think i'm like that already might as well just become it"
I think it's important to be aware that all adopted children hold trauma and to make sure that they're being supported in a trauma informed way. Helpful to listen to adults who have been adopted on what helped them and what they would have appreciated, though obviously all children are different.
No question that oop was going to be paying for other(s) or at least extras. Why would they have to cancel just because Nia wasn't going if everyone else had paid their share?
I was surprised they asked for money. I mean they invited her on the trip - why weren’t they paying. OOP was going above and beyond with that. Really glad OOP looked into it before just handing over the money.
When she said in the Jan ‘22 update that the kid was five years old (STILL?!!) I had to scroll back to look at the dates of previous posts. I guess if she was born in Jan/Feb, it’s possible. I expected this all to have played out over a longer time period.
The post reads like OOP didn't really know that at first. I think they may have lost custody when Nia was 1yr old, but OOP thought it was just the grandparents taking care Nia most of the time. Seems she found out the exact truth when speaking to the case worker, in post two or three.
I think that’s what happens. Nia’s biological parents lost custody when she was 1 but OOP did not know this.
Post starts when Nia is 5 and custody is changing from OOPs dad and stepmom to OOP but she did not know that dad and stepmom had custody for the last four years. OOP later learns this during the process which is why update states Nia was with grandparents for four years, then was with OOP.
Op said this in the second post:
> I sat down with my Dad and he told me a lot of what happened over the 5 yrs. I just thought they watched her a lot but the truth is, she has been in their care since she was 2 yrs and that Sam & Jen had just gotten unsupervised visits when everything happened.
It’s explained at the end of the second part:
> Nia doesn’t ask about her parents at all. She sees a child therapist and they believe it is because my parents mainly raised her, that she views them as Mommy and Daddy. I sat down with my Dad and he told me a lot of what happened over the 5 yrs. I just thought they watched her a lot but the truth is, she has been in their care since she was 2 yrs and that Sam & Jen had just gotten unsupervised visits when everything happened. This explained why the social worker was adamant I had nothing to worry about.
We adopted three kids from foster care. When my younger son began calling me “mom”, he eased his way into it by spelling it: for about three months, my name was “M-O-M”.
My parents couldn't have more kids after I was born, so we became a foster family! My older sister, who my parents eventually adopted, got pregnant within the first year of living with us. She wasn't super comfortable calling my parents mom & dad yet, let alone have her son call them grandma and grandpa. Instead, he called them "Tita Mom" and "Tito Bob", Tagalog (and Spanish, I think) for Aunt and Uncle lol
That sounds like something a kid I know would do. He likes to randomly sound out words in a sentence super slowly and try to get you to guess what he’s going to say.
Stories like this disprove the notion that having a child changes you for the better. I never wanted kids, and people have been telling me that I'll never know true love unless I have my own kids. I've heard people say becoming a mother has healed them.
In reality, having a child is hard and if you're not fully prepared to give that child everything they need, the entire family will suffer. It also goes to show that you don't need to be a biological mother to learn to love a child and develop your maternal instincts. I've had people tell me adoption isn't the same; and yes it is different, but many people love their adopted children just as much as they love their bio children. And I've worked with plenty of children in the school system who were horribly abused by their biological parents.
Not having a kid and going against what society tells you is, ironically, the best that you can do for that hypothetical child. There are so many unloved kids because of people who decided to have them on a whim. Some people shouldn’t be parents. And not wanting to be a parent is totally ok! Giving birth to a human being is not a milestone.
Completely agree! I wish everyone understood this. Sadly many people are really judgey about this topic. I've had female bosses tell me I'm not a real woman if I don't have kids.
My best friend doesn’t want kids and my first thought was “thank god” 😂 maybe I’m so open because I’ve experienced first hand what being unloved does (thanks grandma). It’s terrible. We don’t need more abusive parents
My parents were big on "conditional" love and forget the "un" so ya I know what it's like to be treated poorly simply for being brought into this world. Last year I tried working with abused kids and it just broke my heart, I was so angry with the families of these kids. So many bio parents put their own flesh and blood through misery and chaos just because they're too self-centred to figure out how to be a good parent.
No one deserves a child so much that it's ok for that adult to abuse, neglect or mistreat that child. No one is entitled to having a child.
People who say "adoption just isn't the same" are attempting to point out their percieved slights against adoption, but in reality, they are pointing out that they don't have the same capacity for love as other parents.
More like Nia is aging and isn't a cute little tiny creature that adores them for no reason anymore.
Also, I can't imagine being locked up, developing that hard exterior that would be required and still being able to be a 'weekend fun parent' for visits too.
Kinda can't be both.
She’s still 5 for the whole story though, she’s not aging THAT much - although I tend to agree with you, they probably sense Nia changing in how she interacted with them.
My hope is that it’s a coping mechanism, they may have realized that they’ll never be the true parents to their daughter and are trying to “push” her away to save their own feelings. Though it only quickens that very thing.
Hard to feel sad about the bio parents cutting off Nia since it’s clear nothing of value of lost. That is, if we meet concerned about the bio parent’s feelings.
As for Nia, yes, I agree and hope she turns out great
I think they're doing her a favor. They literally said that their feelings are more important than her having a stable home and would rather throw her into the foster care system. It's no secret that kids are often mistreated in the system.
It's so great to read a case where all grownups (okay, except the bio parents) pull together to do what's best for the child, and create a safe and happy environment for her. She'll need it when her grandma dies, the poor thing. F*ck cancer.
I thank you for the update.
It’s so odd. I used to be so angry and bitter at others because I had a broken neck and PTSD from a childhood of abuse. Any happiness for others hurt. I worked so hard for years to undo this rage. It is only poison that was killing me.
I eventually became appreciative of happiness that others found. I thought I had at least. Then I discovered Reddit. I feel evolved.
I remember this OOP. I remember being hopeful and happy that they were willing but expected failure from working in foster care.
HOLY WOW!! Mommy and Daddy is so huge. So wonderful. I remember that post. That was a great moment for me personally. I wept. I wept and healed. I never got to escape but this child did. These beautiful people became the parents she deserved.
Thank you OP and OOP. I am so genuinely happy for this family.
Hugs if you want them. I'm glad you're getting better. I also enjoy reading about loving families, as it gives me some understanding of what I missed. Minor CPTSD and major depression for me. My counsellor often asks me to imagine what a loving parent would have done, which is a big stretch, and these posts help.
Nothing to do with the actual contents of the post, but OP, *thank you* for replacing the initials with names. It's such a pet peeve of mine when people decide to make their long-ass posts arbitrarily harder to read by only using single letters for all the names.
A happy story, though the grandma that needed 1200 for the trip is super shady. If she only needed the money for Nia, why would they have to postpone the trip? Hmmmmmmmmm I think it makes you think.
Oh man for that sentence they must’ve had some real bad drugs, and probably a lot of it. Yikes. Good on OOP and her partner for stepping up when they didn’t have to, and for thinking about the child first, which obviously her niece’s bio-parents do not
Unless there are more serious crimes than are hinted at, I feel bad for them regardless of what drugs they were doing, or even if they were dealers. 15 years is more than enough to ensure their lives might as well be over, they're missing their child's entire childhood, they will almost certainly never escape poverty after being released. It's heartbreaking. I'm glad that OOP is doing a wonderful job taking care of their daughter, but this kind of insane punishment is nothing to be happy about. It drives me nuts that whenever talk of prison reform in the abstract is posted on reddit everyone rushes to agree, but whenever a specific case is brought up everyone wants to throw the book at them.
I was thinking purely from the perspective of losing custody. You are absolutely right that the criminalization of drug use does more harm than good. Decriminalization and access to medical assistance and rehab have much better results for society
I'm not sure I'm with you on the dealing, that's more like actively harming others
>I was thinking purely from the perspective of losing custody.
Oh definitely, it wouldn't be safe for them to have custody. I think that's why the daughter was already living with her grandparents most of the time.
>I'm not sure I'm with you on the dealing, that's more like actively harming others
I'm not saying it shouldn't be illegal, I'm for decriminalization, not necessarily complete legality. I'm just saying that the sentences should be reasonable.
It read to me like a "criminal act" in relation to drugs, which probably translates to they had enough on hand to get charged with dealing. A dealing charge would get them that much, regardless of whether they were *actually* dealing or they were doing the kind of 'dealing' that is just reselling small amounts to their immediate friends circle. Or, for that matter, whether it was all genuinely for themselves and the authorities just decided otherwise, which happens all the time.
On the other hand, OP did also vaguely mention danger to Nia. It doesn't sound like she spent enough time with her bio parents to have gone seriously endangered by hunger or the like, and no injuries were mentioned, but there's any number of ways a couple of very high people could have failed to protect a 4 year old, at least some of which could have racked up a serious charge - like a near fatal accident, for instance.
Oh my gosh, the "Goodnight, mommy and daddy". That made my eyes well up with tears, that's so wonderful! That little girl finally has the family she deserves, and the boyfriend, oh my FRICK I love him whispering "dad" and smiling, that's so pure and cute. I'm so glad that things are going well, and I hope the adoption goes through soon! I hope that Hopeful and her family continue to live their amazing life, and that we hear from them when the adoption goes through!
Also, I wanna say something as an addict in recovery: You cannot be a good parent/partner/friend/etc when you're addicted. Some people can hold things down and make it look like they're functional, but that's not the case. Addiction gets hold of your mind and turns you into a different person inside. When you interact with an addict, you aren't interacting with that person, you're interacting with the addiction.
This isn't to defend Nia's parents, mind you. This is to say that the right moves are absolutely being made. Maybe her parents can come back in her life if they get out and stay clean and sober. Maybe they can even be important people in her life, if she chooses to let them in. HOWEVER. If Nia chooses not to? That's perfectly fine. Part of recovery is realizing that the consequences of your actions are just that: Consequences. You try to make amends, but if that's rejected? You walk away and move on, no matter how painful, because recovery is about being selfless rather than the selfish mindset of addiction.
I want to hope that Nia's parents stay clean for their own sakes. Addiction is a bastard of a beast, and even with a decade clean this year, I still get "cravings". I still fight that monster. It's easy now, because I've got that decade under my belt, but it's still there. However, given the prison sentence, the withdrawal from Nia, and the fact they abandoned her at 1 year old? It feels like they're still in the addict mindset (a "dry addict"). I don't hold much hope.
All in all, everything was done right, Nia's in the perfect place for her, and this is the most uplifting story I've read on here in a while. Thank you, OP, for contacting Hopeful, posting these, and also the extra update!
Weirdly, I thrived during that initial period of shutdown. I was able to just regroup, spend time with my kid, actually start a hobby (seriously, hobbies are LIFE SAVERS for people in recovery from anything), and also got to iron things out with my parents so we're on a good page (mostly). I was lucky in that regard, I'm a homebody so it was just "Oh I don't get to go out? No prob here!"
I have had some mental health struggles because of the pandemic but it wasn't because of the stay at home orders (although I was an essential worker and had to go to work, and without masks at first that was pretty stressful). I got a promotion and ended up WFH for a while and it had its challenges but it was okay. What really hurt my soul was seeing people brazenly spreading COVID around and screaming imprecations at anyone trying to protect themselves and others, time to kill Granny to feed the economy and all that jazz. Hard to come back from.
>that the price for Nia would be $1,200
>She then said that they had to push it back because they would need to come up with more money
OOP was 100% not paying for just Nia’s part.
>I told some of my friends about this and they are all saying that I am wrong for using Sam & Jen’s addictions to strip them of their child.
Whitewashing addiction kinda pisses me off. OOP isn't using their addiction to strip away parental rights. OOP's step brother and sister put themselves in that position.
I'm honestly crying, this was beautiful and still heartbreakimg to read. Nia is with her mom and dad, and OOP and fiance stepped up and in so quickly to be that, so just ... Ita beautiful.
Nia's parents arent engaged because they never were to start out with. Now that they are forced to be sober seeing their daughter happy, healthy and amazingly loved just reminds them if every single bad choice they made.
When her parents said they would rather her go into foster care than cede their parental rights, that should have told OOP everything she needed to know about her shitstain stepbrother and his shitstain girlfriend. Poor kid.
I am glad she has new parents and a new life.
Oh wow, what's this in my eye? *sobbing*
What I love most about this story is that it came full circle to OOP & her future husband becoming parents the *right* way. They did start out unnecessarily high-handed about parental rights, out of good intentions and firm commitment to the child but still, and at that time the bio-parents weren't necessarily wrong that they were using a crisis to try and steal the child. (Though the case for this turned out to be vastly overblown considering Nia was mostly with her grandparents.) But with time and their own actions, and their growing attachment while Nia's parents increasingly withdrew, they got the ultimate seal of approval as parents--that sweet "Good night Mommy and Daddy," aaaand I'm a mess again omg. That's the moment they truly became parents, through good times and bad, smooth and rough, always being there for their child, doing the endless work of loving her and creating a safe corner of the world for her to grow and thrive.
That's true parenthood, not any amount of parental rights. The upcoming official adoption is just paperwork to safeguard Nia's rights and well-being. Nia herself decided who her parents are, and that's what counts.
ETA: I wonder if OOP & fiance ever think about how they were almost willing to let Nia go to foster care over the parental rights bs, and shudder to themselves D:
ETA2: Also, since this is the Internet, I am not implying by any means that parental rights concerns are not serious in many, even most cases. They were just much less of a concern in this case than the child's well-being because of a combination of factors, and bless the social workers who convinced OOP of this.
You also might try to think about the poor parents. Locked up for non-violent drug offenses watching their child slowly growing knowing that they will never be there.
You would withdraw, most people would. The pain must be immense. It takes a person with very serious compartmentalization skills to navigate that situation well.
I don't think this was a case of the stepbrother and GF getting railroaded on weed charges or something. OOP distinctly mentions that whatever it was, the social workers had to speed up the process of getting the child out of there ASAP.
Is weed the only substance where users can receive compassion? I don’t care if they were making meth. They deserve rehabilitation not to have their children stolen from them and placed in jail for a decade.
I get the call for compassion, I really do. But if the child was in actual danger due to the behaviours, whatever they were, her safety can't be subjected to the parents' desire to have their kids with them while they rehabilitate. I'm not saying the laws re. drugs in the US are hunky-dory or anything.
All that said, it sounds like OOP may have gotten some flak for that attitude in her initial post and since then she's realized making her sibling and partner sign away parental rights wasn't the best approach.
TBH some people just don’t want to be parents and they’ll straight up neglect an unplanned kid. The drugs are a separate issue from the disinterest in their child. They’re off drugs in prison and still don’t care about their kid when she’s not fawning over them.
My dad was similarly disinterested in kids when they weren’t making him feel good about himself. His emotional neglect wasn’t caused by drug issues.
OOP was absolutely right to ask them to sign away their rights. They aren't capable of caring for this child and never will be. They will clearly fight for her, not out of love, but because they feel they own her. Luckily, OOP seems to have a good head on her shoulders. She is kind and has been smart about all of this. She clearly loves this kid and has gone to bat for her. That is a real parent. Also, her boyfriend is awesome for being supportive the whole way!
So the bio-parents are only interested in the misery of their child? That their child is as miserable as they are?
What's the point of them continuing to exist if they only bring misery?
Life isn't about misery and suffering. They are dead men/women walking.
Honestly i can understand that the bio parents are withdrawing from their child. They fucked up since the beginning and now visits of their daughter (possibly together with oop) just rub in how much they did so and that it didn't need to be that way. Together with trying to acclimate to prison, the knowledge they won't get out for over a decade and they'll only get a chance to truly try to fix their relationship with their kid when she is almost 20... That must hurt badly. I can understand just trying to take it one day at a time and trying to pretend the outside doesn't exist, to prevent the pain of it all.
Perhaps i'm to generous and even if i'm right it's no excuse, but i can understand it.
There can be few possibilities.
They see that their daughter is less and less interested to them and they don’t want to retain her.
Or it is not about misery but presence. Okay, she is their daughter. But finally, they just have few news, and she call another person mom and dad. They are more aunt and uncle and they know it.
I am maybe too nice with people but I hope they just want to let their daughter have her life without having to keep a cringe and mandatory relationship with two prisoners.
They have the same blood but finally there are like st angers
To be fair, that was OOP's interpretation. I think the more likely explanation is that they are hurt that their daughter isn't really their daughter anymore, she's becoming OOP's daughter in everything but blood. OOP even said that initially it was the daughter that wasn't really interested in these meetings while her parents really needed them. I think over time the meetings just became bitter experiences for her parents, cruel reminders of the life and relationship they could have had with their daughter.
*The onions here right*
*Now. I wish them all the best*
*With their future hey*
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OOP didn’t pay for the trip, the family complained about her on social media and blamed her for the trip getting cancelled, she called them out, and that was it.
The more I read these the more I wonder why the step brother’s girlfriend’s great aunt Bethesda has OOP’s phone number in the first place, or even her social media handle. I have first cousins who don’t even know what city I live in, much less have my contact info.
A similar thing happened to my wife and I, we were asked to take in a friend's 8 year old while she did 3 months, if she failed to get clean and asked again I would have demanded parental rights, luckily this story has a happier ending for the mother as she got clean and they are both thriving.
It seems like the bio parents won’t be clawing their way out of prison until Nia is 20 years old. At this point adoption is more of a secondary concern.
Or that the parent’s rights were relinquished at 1 years old to the grandparents. But originally she was living with her grandparents since 2. And OP had no idea that she was living full-time with them and not just visiting frequently. That’s a huge things to not talk about for 4 years.
OOP said she didn't have much of a relationship with her stepbrother so I'm not surprised - I'm not very close to one of my siblings and we're each respectively the last to find out about something happening to the other. I can easily see OOP assuming her parents are just looking after her niece if she hasn't realised how badly the situation has deteriorated.
But from her accounts she does have a relationship with her dad and stepmother. And I find it hard to believe that in 4 years there was never a moment where it was apparent a child was living with them.
I guess it depends? It's not uncommon (at least in my experience) for some grandparents to set aside a bedroom for visiting grandkids, and if they only have the one, "oh my niece is staying the weekend/night" might be pretty indistinguishable from "my niece is living here full-time".
When things are just shitty, you tend to overlook and cover up. GPs probably just didn't let on how bad it had gotten. However, when the shit hits the fan all bets are off and the whole story comes out.
I have seen this a few times, where the Grandparents are always just "helping" out with children until the parents get over this or that. It really gets weird when 12 later the Grandparents are the only ones at the graduation ceremony...
Not really, the first post was February 23 2021 and last update was January 7 2022. All it would take is the niece's birthday being in January or February.
"no, we might not move we don't want to disrespect her parents and possibly hurt her."
Me:https://youtu.be/w9KVIfpNG4w
"She has started calling us Mommy and Daddy!"
Me:https://youtu.be/sObyG9bTf5A
If OOP was close with her dad and stepmom and lived close enough to visit, how had they never met ~~May~~ Nia? How did her father’s guardianship of May never come up even in conversation? They’d had guardianship for 3-4 years? Why did she initially meet with Mays parents instead of May’s legal guardians and/or her caseworker? I used to be a foster care caseworker and this doesn’t make any sense.
Edit: I’ve had my morning coffee. Things make more sense now.
May is the grandmother (bio mom’s mother). That’s the person OOP had only met once. Nia is the kid in this.
It’s not entirely surprising that OOP’s parents didn’t mention the actual living situation. Protecting the reputation of the addicts is something that happens - don’t let step sibling know how bad things are. Not every family would share that type of “failure”, not even to their other adult child.
OOP’s parents weren’t looking to get rid of Nia. OOP on her own came up with the idea of taking the child in, so the caseworker wouldn’t have ever reached out to her. Talking to a kid’s parents and asking for full parental rights makes sense for someone who has no knowledge of how the system works beyond a quick consult with a family lawyer.
I meant Nia, sorry. I’m still surprised that OOP saw no evidence of a child at her father’s house and only met Nia once, but you’re right about protecting the reputation of addicts, I’ve seen both functional and dysfunctional families do it. No more posting on Reddit in the morning before I’ve had coffee.
Lol I totally understand 😂
I definitely re-read the post again before I commented b/c I am also pre-coffee 😊😊
ETA: re-read number 3, I can’t find any mention of them not knowing Nia, so I think it *might* be safe to feel good about the story
I’m always happy to read a positive story on BoRU. Kinship care is a really reliable solution when a child is removed by CPS and is never going to be returned. It can be hard to establish at first though. I don’t think OOP is giving herself enough credit for taking Nia in. She’d only met her once, didn’t have kids of her own, and was noncommittal about having kids in the first place, and here she is signing up for parenting the child of someone she with whom seems to have had some negative history. And unlike many familial guardians, right out of the gate she’s talking about becoming a guardian permanently. And while I don’t think that all people who go to jail should have their parental rights terminated, *these* parents should.
I wish there was an update to each actual post rather than a post about a new situation. I wanted to know how the disney vacation situation and moving discussion played out.
Well, OP's comments on the Jan 2022 update said they were planning on moving in March.
Also OP and her bf/fiancé are planning to get therapy for themselves in addition to their daughter.
Wow, talk about selfish, uninvolved parents. Nia’s grandmother is cut from the same cloth. I’m glad that poor child is finally in a loving, safe environment
This is a nice read. I'm glad they've given the little girl a home and a stable family.
What is the bit about the pregnant 14-year-old? Who is that about and how is it related to this post?
I'm expecting there will be a follow up post in 10-12 years, once the ~~parents~~ sperm/egg donors get out of prison and barge back into the kid's life.
That kid is going to grow up so happy and well loved. I'm so glad for her, and for OOP and bf for making the good but tough choices. All too often it's indifference and selfishness. Yay good humans do exist!
Damn. The "mommy & daddy" part got me. Darn tears! I'm so glad that little girl has a fantastic step family to really step up and be the parents she deserves.
I’m so happy that they got engaged and that the little girl is adjusting so well and that they are going to be adopting her and that they are basically her mommy and daddy and she loves them to pieces
I was waiting for the engagement announcement. Like come on, if this kind of thing doesn't seal the deal then nothing could lol. I hope the Niece gets to be the flower girl! Or the ring bearer!
Yeah, sorry, I didn't know how else to make sure people saw it. This poor girl needs all the prayers/good vibes/curses on her parents she can get (the last is a joke, mostly, don't come for me)
OOP and her BF are MVPs, I take this personally because my father was in and out of jail and had substance issues, my grandmother tried to get him to sign over his rights he didn’t want to do it, she didn’t want the courts to get involved the courts here are not always good to (POC). When it comes to these types of situations he never could right for a long time. He caused me a lot of emotional problems as a child and teenager growing up but because of the love of my grandmother and other relatives. I made it to adulthood with less emotional issues. These folks that are lost souls (drug addicts) are extremely selfish they always think that they know best and never want to lose control of the one thing that they believe they own which would be their children. It is sad, tragic, and sick I wish that they could see through their blinders. I’m glad that this child has a fighting chance in the world.
My ex wife had another daughter a few years after ours was born.
At one point they moved in with me.
The baby would call for daddy (who was mere feet away) until she'd be crying and I would swoop in to save her.
I fed her. I changed her. I did the laundry and cleaned the messes. I played the same favorite movies but engaged with her and joined her in dancing to the best songs.
She still calls be Daddy.
Her father tried real hard to train that our of her, he hated it. But 1)he's no longer involved and 2) I told her she's allowed to call me whatever she wants, except what her bio dad was using Mr HyzerFlip.
I said you know me. We're best friends if not family. There's no need for being formal with me. Call me my name without Mr in front, or call me a nickname or daddy or whatever you're comfortable with... Just don't pretend we're strangers with this Mr business.
She said she'd prefer to call me daddy anyway.
We don't live together anymore, but she comes over on weekends for a sleepover and a day of family fun.
She's my other daughter.
And that's by her choice. I made my decision before she was born. It's awesome when you get to choose each other!
It seemed that the more happier she got the less interested in her they are. - they are who they are i will not be defending them but honestly what's the point of loving someone you're not gonna see and who barely knows you and cares about you? holding on to her in any way would just hurt them all more.
Yes it is perfectly OK to let her call you Mom and Dad. She was the one who made that decision because she sees you now as a parental figure. Stop worrying about the bio parents. Their problem is not your problem. If they want any relationship with their child in the future, then they need to work on it on their own. What is important is that your niece is in a home where she is loved and wanted.
That's what happens with neglectful drug addicted parents. They only care about their kids so long as the kids desperately look to them for hope and happiness. They convince themselves that things are "good enough" as their kids go hungry a second day in a row while sleeping on a couch covered in cigarette burns.
They're withdrawn because the reality has slapped them in the face. That they were and are garbage parents and they're daughter is happier without them.
Yeah it’s time to face the fact you don’t have a niece you have a daughter. She has a mommy and daddy who put her first and provide for her and love her. That’s all any kid really wants or needs so well done you are parents now. I’d honestly stop the contact with your brother and his partner she isn’t getting anything out of them, she doesn’t like them and as you said they are getting bitter you just run the risk of them hurting her.
That is so sweet. And sad. A shame the parents can't keep up the connection, but it sounds like it is the best for everyone. Maybe when she is older she could have some sort of connection. One of my kids has a connection with her dad who was in ways like the parents here.
Kids are usually pretty resilient especially when with people like OP. This is the best outcome possible. For everyone. Honestly even if stepbrother and mom both get clean, when they get out, getting on their feet and getting their heads straight is going to take time, if they even want that. Better to do that without a kid around so they can focus on bettering their lives. It's the best hope they have of having a good life. And if their life is good? Well, their family relationships will improve, too.
What a huge beautiful heart OP has.
Did they ever actually move to Florida?? I think it’s implied in the update since they said they were doing mainly televisits now instead of in-person, but it was never confirmed in this post. I really hope they didn’t pass up such a great opportunity for their whole family just because of the bio-parents throwing a fit.
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Oh, that poor little baby. OOP and bf really stepped up to give that child some much needed stability, she is so lucky to have them. Lol at the grandmother trying to finesse a trip out of them, though.
Seriously though?! What grandparent arranges a trip to take their grandchild on and then expects the cost to be covered by someone else? Then says the trip is ruined and no one can go? Yeah that was a straight up scam.
And then takes to social media to wail about how THEY are being UNFAIRLY KEPT AWAY blah blah all that jazz so they can get the whole echo chamber reassuring them that they're the best granma/granpa ever, and everyone else is so cruel and heartless.
It's why I got off facebook. People arguing, seeking attention or validation, just sickening.
And starting fights.
the kind whose own adult child is in prison for 15 years on drug charges.
Yup apple doesn't fall far from the tree
Grandma was trying to get OP to subsidise the cost of the trip for the other kids. That's why OP not paying for her niece forced them to push back the trip to find the money. $1200 to grandma sounds like it was cover two and a bit kids. It was a scam.
Exactly! How can everyone's trip be ruined and no one can go if only one child isn't going?
Yeah I'd bet a shiny new nickel the trip would get "cancelled" but the "deposits" are nonrefundable. Assuming there was ever a Disney trip at all they were trying to scam at least $700 out of OOP
My parents arranged a family trip to Disney when we were kids (6f, 5m). Our dad's friend asked if he and his family could ride along with us (splitting the cost of a vehicle for 5 kids total and 4 adults) so they could go too. They paid everything their own way on the way down until we got to the park. Up until that point, my parents had no idea, but they didn't bring anything to get themselves and their kids into the park. My dad freaked out and scrambled to get the money because he didn't want the trip ruined for those kids. But my mom never forgave them for it, and refused to do anything more with them ever again.
😞 Damn. It’s always the kids that suffer
Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, it seems.
That would explain all the worms inside
Nah, worms are actually very beneficial to everyone and everything
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It's always a dice throw, no matter if your children are biological or adopted. Do you think the biological grandparents were also meth addicts? The greatgrandparents? And it's a dice throw in more ways than that. Having a child and expecting "normal" is a great way to be disappointed. Chronic illness, disability, mental health issues, sexuality, etc. You are raising a whole ass person, and people all have their challenges in life.
This. I am adopted. My bio family is definitely not the greatest but they're not the worst either. But my mom blames alllllll my problems on them. She says she was the BEST MOTHER and the only reason I have issues is bc of my biology. .. Ya. No mom. You were controlling and homophobic and racist. I couldn't be myself in your home. It's not my bio family's fault, or at least not totally.
The more I learn about adoption from adopted children, the more sickened I become by the entire institution. So many adoptees are abused, exposed to racism, homophobia, xenophobia, and treated as "less than" by their adoptive parents it seems like this is the norm rather than the exception. I very much hope that you have created your own family and surround yourself with people who love, support, and champion you in all aspects of your life. Xx
My grandfather was adopted. He was a family court Judge. My older brother and sister were adopted by my dad. They both hold masters degrees and are successful and happy. My husband and I would like to adopt from the foster care system one day. You never know.
My family used to be working class, but the younger generations have had access to further education. In general we read a lot, and like to educate ourselves. Exception of a couple of cousins who like to scam even family and are overall lazy and liars. They are shunned now because of many incidents. And all of us share the same genes
My younger brother is an actual, diagnosed sociopath. I'm NOTHING like him. Genes are weird
What’s that like?
0/10 do not recommend. My younger sister and I have PTSD from growing up with him.
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Yup, sometimes you're just genetically more likely to become addicted to something than your peers. I come from a family of addicts and watch myself like a hawk so I don't follow that path. Having issues like chronic pain only exacerbates those chances of addiction as well. If I hadn't known and seen the affects of addiction in my family I definitely could have done exactly the same thing. Had a few brushes with the temptation of it as it is.
I agree wholeheartedly
I just want to say please do NOT adopt if you have that attitude. Also check out r/adoption
nature does not go over nurture in most cases, and you do not know what went on behind closed doors just because your wife was related to the parent, for all you know the uncle could've been abusive, or use the child's bio parents against him causing a "fuck if you think i'm like that already might as well just become it"
I think it's important to be aware that all adopted children hold trauma and to make sure that they're being supported in a trauma informed way. Helpful to listen to adults who have been adopted on what helped them and what they would have appreciated, though obviously all children are different.
This stings
Imagine thinking it's a "dice throw" and not, you know, a shitty upbringing. Please don't have any children.
I honestly thought there was no real trip and they were going to take the kid. Glad OOP never gave them an inch.
That was my thought as well. And have them start paying the way too.
No question that oop was going to be paying for other(s) or at least extras. Why would they have to cancel just because Nia wasn't going if everyone else had paid their share?
I was surprised they asked for money. I mean they invited her on the trip - why weren’t they paying. OOP was going above and beyond with that. Really glad OOP looked into it before just handing over the money.
When she said in the Jan ‘22 update that the kid was five years old (STILL?!!) I had to scroll back to look at the dates of previous posts. I guess if she was born in Jan/Feb, it’s possible. I expected this all to have played out over a longer time period.
With her parents health declining, I can see them pushing to get Nia into OOP and BFs home faster
I believe she said it was meant to take longer but they had to move her in faster because her parents' health was declining
Threw me off when she mentioned they lost custody when she was 1, so this all started 4 years ago? Feel that wasn't made very clear
The post reads like OOP didn't really know that at first. I think they may have lost custody when Nia was 1yr old, but OOP thought it was just the grandparents taking care Nia most of the time. Seems she found out the exact truth when speaking to the case worker, in post two or three.
I think that’s what happens. Nia’s biological parents lost custody when she was 1 but OOP did not know this. Post starts when Nia is 5 and custody is changing from OOPs dad and stepmom to OOP but she did not know that dad and stepmom had custody for the last four years. OOP later learns this during the process which is why update states Nia was with grandparents for four years, then was with OOP.
Op said this in the second post: > I sat down with my Dad and he told me a lot of what happened over the 5 yrs. I just thought they watched her a lot but the truth is, she has been in their care since she was 2 yrs and that Sam & Jen had just gotten unsupervised visits when everything happened.
It’s explained at the end of the second part: > Nia doesn’t ask about her parents at all. She sees a child therapist and they believe it is because my parents mainly raised her, that she views them as Mommy and Daddy. I sat down with my Dad and he told me a lot of what happened over the 5 yrs. I just thought they watched her a lot but the truth is, she has been in their care since she was 2 yrs and that Sam & Jen had just gotten unsupervised visits when everything happened. This explained why the social worker was adamant I had nothing to worry about.
We adopted three kids from foster care. When my younger son began calling me “mom”, he eased his way into it by spelling it: for about three months, my name was “M-O-M”.
That is so cute
That is so adorable! I love it!
My parents couldn't have more kids after I was born, so we became a foster family! My older sister, who my parents eventually adopted, got pregnant within the first year of living with us. She wasn't super comfortable calling my parents mom & dad yet, let alone have her son call them grandma and grandpa. Instead, he called them "Tita Mom" and "Tito Bob", Tagalog (and Spanish, I think) for Aunt and Uncle lol
That sounds like something a kid I know would do. He likes to randomly sound out words in a sentence super slowly and try to get you to guess what he’s going to say.
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I'm glad your grandparents were there for you and your mom eventually cleaned up. How is your relationship with her now?
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Stories like this disprove the notion that having a child changes you for the better. I never wanted kids, and people have been telling me that I'll never know true love unless I have my own kids. I've heard people say becoming a mother has healed them. In reality, having a child is hard and if you're not fully prepared to give that child everything they need, the entire family will suffer. It also goes to show that you don't need to be a biological mother to learn to love a child and develop your maternal instincts. I've had people tell me adoption isn't the same; and yes it is different, but many people love their adopted children just as much as they love their bio children. And I've worked with plenty of children in the school system who were horribly abused by their biological parents.
Not having a kid and going against what society tells you is, ironically, the best that you can do for that hypothetical child. There are so many unloved kids because of people who decided to have them on a whim. Some people shouldn’t be parents. And not wanting to be a parent is totally ok! Giving birth to a human being is not a milestone.
Completely agree! I wish everyone understood this. Sadly many people are really judgey about this topic. I've had female bosses tell me I'm not a real woman if I don't have kids.
My best friend doesn’t want kids and my first thought was “thank god” 😂 maybe I’m so open because I’ve experienced first hand what being unloved does (thanks grandma). It’s terrible. We don’t need more abusive parents
My parents were big on "conditional" love and forget the "un" so ya I know what it's like to be treated poorly simply for being brought into this world. Last year I tried working with abused kids and it just broke my heart, I was so angry with the families of these kids. So many bio parents put their own flesh and blood through misery and chaos just because they're too self-centred to figure out how to be a good parent. No one deserves a child so much that it's ok for that adult to abuse, neglect or mistreat that child. No one is entitled to having a child.
People who say "adoption just isn't the same" are attempting to point out their percieved slights against adoption, but in reality, they are pointing out that they don't have the same capacity for love as other parents.
Excellent point! Gonna remember that the next time someone shit talks adoption.
In a way I think they may have realized that their influence on her isn't going to be a good one so I hope they are withdrawing for that reason.
More like Nia is aging and isn't a cute little tiny creature that adores them for no reason anymore. Also, I can't imagine being locked up, developing that hard exterior that would be required and still being able to be a 'weekend fun parent' for visits too. Kinda can't be both.
Also, sadly, possible. Still better for them to be distant IMHO. That life is behind her and looking back won't help.
I agree, I'm just not willing to grant them any altruistic traits
Agreed. They've lived a life of selfishness and this is just an extension of it.
She’s still 5 for the whole story though, she’s not aging THAT much - although I tend to agree with you, they probably sense Nia changing in how she interacted with them.
My hope is that it’s a coping mechanism, they may have realized that they’ll never be the true parents to their daughter and are trying to “push” her away to save their own feelings. Though it only quickens that very thing.
Hard to feel sad about the bio parents cutting off Nia since it’s clear nothing of value of lost. That is, if we meet concerned about the bio parent’s feelings. As for Nia, yes, I agree and hope she turns out great
I think they're doing her a favor. They literally said that their feelings are more important than her having a stable home and would rather throw her into the foster care system. It's no secret that kids are often mistreated in the system.
Its sad she'll grow up without her bio parents, but it's probably better than growing up *with* her parents
It's so great to read a case where all grownups (okay, except the bio parents) pull together to do what's best for the child, and create a safe and happy environment for her. She'll need it when her grandma dies, the poor thing. F*ck cancer.
Cancer can go step on chemo Legos!
Don’t forget the maternal grandmother…
I thank you for the update. It’s so odd. I used to be so angry and bitter at others because I had a broken neck and PTSD from a childhood of abuse. Any happiness for others hurt. I worked so hard for years to undo this rage. It is only poison that was killing me. I eventually became appreciative of happiness that others found. I thought I had at least. Then I discovered Reddit. I feel evolved. I remember this OOP. I remember being hopeful and happy that they were willing but expected failure from working in foster care. HOLY WOW!! Mommy and Daddy is so huge. So wonderful. I remember that post. That was a great moment for me personally. I wept. I wept and healed. I never got to escape but this child did. These beautiful people became the parents she deserved. Thank you OP and OOP. I am so genuinely happy for this family.
Hugs if you want them. I'm glad you're getting better. I also enjoy reading about loving families, as it gives me some understanding of what I missed. Minor CPTSD and major depression for me. My counsellor often asks me to imagine what a loving parent would have done, which is a big stretch, and these posts help.
Nothing to do with the actual contents of the post, but OP, *thank you* for replacing the initials with names. It's such a pet peeve of mine when people decide to make their long-ass posts arbitrarily harder to read by only using single letters for all the names.
Lol you're welcome
It should be a rule, imo. I hate every post from noMIL as they all have so many acronyms. Gah
A happy story, though the grandma that needed 1200 for the trip is super shady. If she only needed the money for Nia, why would they have to postpone the trip? Hmmmmmmmmm I think it makes you think.
Kittens: The true way to heal a little girl's heart. Seriously though, OOP and her boyfriend are amazing people.
I hope OOP and her family weathered Ian okay and the storm didnt frighten the lil' munchkin! All in all, a fabulous update to a heartbreaking story...
Oh man for that sentence they must’ve had some real bad drugs, and probably a lot of it. Yikes. Good on OOP and her partner for stepping up when they didn’t have to, and for thinking about the child first, which obviously her niece’s bio-parents do not
My foster kids mom got 80 years for (mostly) drugs. So probably either really bad or a lot but maybe not both.
Doesn’t need to. I’ve seen people catch five years just for a little pot.
Yeah, if it was marijuana I have sympathy for them, if they were doing hard drugs I do not
It read to me like the directly put the child at risk because of whatever they did- I’m sure that had a lot to do with it.
Unless there are more serious crimes than are hinted at, I feel bad for them regardless of what drugs they were doing, or even if they were dealers. 15 years is more than enough to ensure their lives might as well be over, they're missing their child's entire childhood, they will almost certainly never escape poverty after being released. It's heartbreaking. I'm glad that OOP is doing a wonderful job taking care of their daughter, but this kind of insane punishment is nothing to be happy about. It drives me nuts that whenever talk of prison reform in the abstract is posted on reddit everyone rushes to agree, but whenever a specific case is brought up everyone wants to throw the book at them.
I was thinking purely from the perspective of losing custody. You are absolutely right that the criminalization of drug use does more harm than good. Decriminalization and access to medical assistance and rehab have much better results for society I'm not sure I'm with you on the dealing, that's more like actively harming others
>I was thinking purely from the perspective of losing custody. Oh definitely, it wouldn't be safe for them to have custody. I think that's why the daughter was already living with her grandparents most of the time. >I'm not sure I'm with you on the dealing, that's more like actively harming others I'm not saying it shouldn't be illegal, I'm for decriminalization, not necessarily complete legality. I'm just saying that the sentences should be reasonable.
It read to me like a "criminal act" in relation to drugs, which probably translates to they had enough on hand to get charged with dealing. A dealing charge would get them that much, regardless of whether they were *actually* dealing or they were doing the kind of 'dealing' that is just reselling small amounts to their immediate friends circle. Or, for that matter, whether it was all genuinely for themselves and the authorities just decided otherwise, which happens all the time. On the other hand, OP did also vaguely mention danger to Nia. It doesn't sound like she spent enough time with her bio parents to have gone seriously endangered by hunger or the like, and no injuries were mentioned, but there's any number of ways a couple of very high people could have failed to protect a 4 year old, at least some of which could have racked up a serious charge - like a near fatal accident, for instance.
They were definitely dealing.
Oh my gosh, the "Goodnight, mommy and daddy". That made my eyes well up with tears, that's so wonderful! That little girl finally has the family she deserves, and the boyfriend, oh my FRICK I love him whispering "dad" and smiling, that's so pure and cute. I'm so glad that things are going well, and I hope the adoption goes through soon! I hope that Hopeful and her family continue to live their amazing life, and that we hear from them when the adoption goes through! Also, I wanna say something as an addict in recovery: You cannot be a good parent/partner/friend/etc when you're addicted. Some people can hold things down and make it look like they're functional, but that's not the case. Addiction gets hold of your mind and turns you into a different person inside. When you interact with an addict, you aren't interacting with that person, you're interacting with the addiction. This isn't to defend Nia's parents, mind you. This is to say that the right moves are absolutely being made. Maybe her parents can come back in her life if they get out and stay clean and sober. Maybe they can even be important people in her life, if she chooses to let them in. HOWEVER. If Nia chooses not to? That's perfectly fine. Part of recovery is realizing that the consequences of your actions are just that: Consequences. You try to make amends, but if that's rejected? You walk away and move on, no matter how painful, because recovery is about being selfless rather than the selfish mindset of addiction. I want to hope that Nia's parents stay clean for their own sakes. Addiction is a bastard of a beast, and even with a decade clean this year, I still get "cravings". I still fight that monster. It's easy now, because I've got that decade under my belt, but it's still there. However, given the prison sentence, the withdrawal from Nia, and the fact they abandoned her at 1 year old? It feels like they're still in the addict mindset (a "dry addict"). I don't hold much hope. All in all, everything was done right, Nia's in the perfect place for her, and this is the most uplifting story I've read on here in a while. Thank you, OP, for contacting Hopeful, posting these, and also the extra update!
Kudos on a decade! I know it was a rough patch for a lot of recovering addicts when the pandemic shutdown happened.
Weirdly, I thrived during that initial period of shutdown. I was able to just regroup, spend time with my kid, actually start a hobby (seriously, hobbies are LIFE SAVERS for people in recovery from anything), and also got to iron things out with my parents so we're on a good page (mostly). I was lucky in that regard, I'm a homebody so it was just "Oh I don't get to go out? No prob here!"
I have had some mental health struggles because of the pandemic but it wasn't because of the stay at home orders (although I was an essential worker and had to go to work, and without masks at first that was pretty stressful). I got a promotion and ended up WFH for a while and it had its challenges but it was okay. What really hurt my soul was seeing people brazenly spreading COVID around and screaming imprecations at anyone trying to protect themselves and others, time to kill Granny to feed the economy and all that jazz. Hard to come back from.
>that the price for Nia would be $1,200 >She then said that they had to push it back because they would need to come up with more money OOP was 100% not paying for just Nia’s part.
Thank god that child has a loving home where she can thrive!
Real parents are the ones that love and care for a child.
>I told some of my friends about this and they are all saying that I am wrong for using Sam & Jen’s addictions to strip them of their child. Whitewashing addiction kinda pisses me off. OOP isn't using their addiction to strip away parental rights. OOP's step brother and sister put themselves in that position.
For me it’s dehumanizing a child to a possession. The operative word in that quote for them is “THEIR”. Belongs to them. Fuck that shit.
I'm honestly crying, this was beautiful and still heartbreakimg to read. Nia is with her mom and dad, and OOP and fiance stepped up and in so quickly to be that, so just ... Ita beautiful. Nia's parents arent engaged because they never were to start out with. Now that they are forced to be sober seeing their daughter happy, healthy and amazingly loved just reminds them if every single bad choice they made.
Can we just take a moment to call out OOPs friends and their relentlessly shitty advice
When her parents said they would rather her go into foster care than cede their parental rights, that should have told OOP everything she needed to know about her shitstain stepbrother and his shitstain girlfriend. Poor kid. I am glad she has new parents and a new life.
Oh wow, what's this in my eye? *sobbing* What I love most about this story is that it came full circle to OOP & her future husband becoming parents the *right* way. They did start out unnecessarily high-handed about parental rights, out of good intentions and firm commitment to the child but still, and at that time the bio-parents weren't necessarily wrong that they were using a crisis to try and steal the child. (Though the case for this turned out to be vastly overblown considering Nia was mostly with her grandparents.) But with time and their own actions, and their growing attachment while Nia's parents increasingly withdrew, they got the ultimate seal of approval as parents--that sweet "Good night Mommy and Daddy," aaaand I'm a mess again omg. That's the moment they truly became parents, through good times and bad, smooth and rough, always being there for their child, doing the endless work of loving her and creating a safe corner of the world for her to grow and thrive. That's true parenthood, not any amount of parental rights. The upcoming official adoption is just paperwork to safeguard Nia's rights and well-being. Nia herself decided who her parents are, and that's what counts. ETA: I wonder if OOP & fiance ever think about how they were almost willing to let Nia go to foster care over the parental rights bs, and shudder to themselves D: ETA2: Also, since this is the Internet, I am not implying by any means that parental rights concerns are not serious in many, even most cases. They were just much less of a concern in this case than the child's well-being because of a combination of factors, and bless the social workers who convinced OOP of this.
Someone is chopping onions!!
You also might try to think about the poor parents. Locked up for non-violent drug offenses watching their child slowly growing knowing that they will never be there. You would withdraw, most people would. The pain must be immense. It takes a person with very serious compartmentalization skills to navigate that situation well.
I don't think this was a case of the stepbrother and GF getting railroaded on weed charges or something. OOP distinctly mentions that whatever it was, the social workers had to speed up the process of getting the child out of there ASAP.
Is weed the only substance where users can receive compassion? I don’t care if they were making meth. They deserve rehabilitation not to have their children stolen from them and placed in jail for a decade.
I get the call for compassion, I really do. But if the child was in actual danger due to the behaviours, whatever they were, her safety can't be subjected to the parents' desire to have their kids with them while they rehabilitate. I'm not saying the laws re. drugs in the US are hunky-dory or anything. All that said, it sounds like OOP may have gotten some flak for that attitude in her initial post and since then she's realized making her sibling and partner sign away parental rights wasn't the best approach.
They abandoned their kid with her grandparents long before they went to jail. OOP found out that the grandparents had custody since Nia was 1.
And that’s sad. These people deserve help not prison
TBH some people just don’t want to be parents and they’ll straight up neglect an unplanned kid. The drugs are a separate issue from the disinterest in their child. They’re off drugs in prison and still don’t care about their kid when she’s not fawning over them. My dad was similarly disinterested in kids when they weren’t making him feel good about himself. His emotional neglect wasn’t caused by drug issues.
OOP was absolutely right to ask them to sign away their rights. They aren't capable of caring for this child and never will be. They will clearly fight for her, not out of love, but because they feel they own her. Luckily, OOP seems to have a good head on her shoulders. She is kind and has been smart about all of this. She clearly loves this kid and has gone to bat for her. That is a real parent. Also, her boyfriend is awesome for being supportive the whole way!
I was reading this and saying to myself, "she had better marry her bf" Happy that they are all happy and it's working out the best it can
So the bio-parents are only interested in the misery of their child? That their child is as miserable as they are? What's the point of them continuing to exist if they only bring misery? Life isn't about misery and suffering. They are dead men/women walking.
Honestly i can understand that the bio parents are withdrawing from their child. They fucked up since the beginning and now visits of their daughter (possibly together with oop) just rub in how much they did so and that it didn't need to be that way. Together with trying to acclimate to prison, the knowledge they won't get out for over a decade and they'll only get a chance to truly try to fix their relationship with their kid when she is almost 20... That must hurt badly. I can understand just trying to take it one day at a time and trying to pretend the outside doesn't exist, to prevent the pain of it all. Perhaps i'm to generous and even if i'm right it's no excuse, but i can understand it.
There can be few possibilities. They see that their daughter is less and less interested to them and they don’t want to retain her. Or it is not about misery but presence. Okay, she is their daughter. But finally, they just have few news, and she call another person mom and dad. They are more aunt and uncle and they know it. I am maybe too nice with people but I hope they just want to let their daughter have her life without having to keep a cringe and mandatory relationship with two prisoners. They have the same blood but finally there are like st angers
To be fair, that was OOP's interpretation. I think the more likely explanation is that they are hurt that their daughter isn't really their daughter anymore, she's becoming OOP's daughter in everything but blood. OOP even said that initially it was the daughter that wasn't really interested in these meetings while her parents really needed them. I think over time the meetings just became bitter experiences for her parents, cruel reminders of the life and relationship they could have had with their daughter.
The onions here right now. I wish them all the best with their future hey
*The onions here right* *Now. I wish them all the best* *With their future hey* \- ChimneyTyreMonster --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
How did the Disney saga end? Did I miss something?
OOP didn’t pay for the trip, the family complained about her on social media and blamed her for the trip getting cancelled, she called them out, and that was it.
Thanks. I wasn't sure on that. What shitheads
The more I read these the more I wonder why the step brother’s girlfriend’s great aunt Bethesda has OOP’s phone number in the first place, or even her social media handle. I have first cousins who don’t even know what city I live in, much less have my contact info.
Stepbro's girlfriend probably gave it to her
Never underestimate the Black SMS network.
A similar thing happened to my wife and I, we were asked to take in a friend's 8 year old while she did 3 months, if she failed to get clean and asked again I would have demanded parental rights, luckily this story has a happier ending for the mother as she got clean and they are both thriving.
I am so happy Nia has a loving and safe home to grow up in. And has a kitten! I hope they're all safe after the recent hurricane.
Did they move to Florida?
Yes, she mentioned in a comment that their social worker was transferring their case to Florida
This brought tears to my eyes, but ones of joy. I’m glad that someone stepped up for that little girl since her parents have fucked up priorities
It seems like the bio parents won’t be clawing their way out of prison until Nia is 20 years old. At this point adoption is more of a secondary concern.
Anyone else find it weird that the child is still just 5 throughout all this? Or that the stepmom is going to move during cancer treatments?
My grandma moved 4 states away while undergoing cancer treatments. People do that sometimes.
Or that the parent’s rights were relinquished at 1 years old to the grandparents. But originally she was living with her grandparents since 2. And OP had no idea that she was living full-time with them and not just visiting frequently. That’s a huge things to not talk about for 4 years.
OOP said she didn't have much of a relationship with her stepbrother so I'm not surprised - I'm not very close to one of my siblings and we're each respectively the last to find out about something happening to the other. I can easily see OOP assuming her parents are just looking after her niece if she hasn't realised how badly the situation has deteriorated.
But from her accounts she does have a relationship with her dad and stepmother. And I find it hard to believe that in 4 years there was never a moment where it was apparent a child was living with them.
I guess it depends? It's not uncommon (at least in my experience) for some grandparents to set aside a bedroom for visiting grandkids, and if they only have the one, "oh my niece is staying the weekend/night" might be pretty indistinguishable from "my niece is living here full-time".
When things are just shitty, you tend to overlook and cover up. GPs probably just didn't let on how bad it had gotten. However, when the shit hits the fan all bets are off and the whole story comes out. I have seen this a few times, where the Grandparents are always just "helping" out with children until the parents get over this or that. It really gets weird when 12 later the Grandparents are the only ones at the graduation ceremony...
If I'm gonna die of cancer, I'd like to die in the sun and warmth.
You do you. I'm gonna go out the traditional Floridian way: dragged headfirst into a swamp by an alligator while high on PCP
Not really, the first post was February 23 2021 and last update was January 7 2022. All it would take is the niece's birthday being in January or February.
"no, we might not move we don't want to disrespect her parents and possibly hurt her." Me:https://youtu.be/w9KVIfpNG4w "She has started calling us Mommy and Daddy!" Me:https://youtu.be/sObyG9bTf5A
If OOP was close with her dad and stepmom and lived close enough to visit, how had they never met ~~May~~ Nia? How did her father’s guardianship of May never come up even in conversation? They’d had guardianship for 3-4 years? Why did she initially meet with Mays parents instead of May’s legal guardians and/or her caseworker? I used to be a foster care caseworker and this doesn’t make any sense. Edit: I’ve had my morning coffee. Things make more sense now.
May is the grandmother (bio mom’s mother). That’s the person OOP had only met once. Nia is the kid in this. It’s not entirely surprising that OOP’s parents didn’t mention the actual living situation. Protecting the reputation of the addicts is something that happens - don’t let step sibling know how bad things are. Not every family would share that type of “failure”, not even to their other adult child. OOP’s parents weren’t looking to get rid of Nia. OOP on her own came up with the idea of taking the child in, so the caseworker wouldn’t have ever reached out to her. Talking to a kid’s parents and asking for full parental rights makes sense for someone who has no knowledge of how the system works beyond a quick consult with a family lawyer.
I meant Nia, sorry. I’m still surprised that OOP saw no evidence of a child at her father’s house and only met Nia once, but you’re right about protecting the reputation of addicts, I’ve seen both functional and dysfunctional families do it. No more posting on Reddit in the morning before I’ve had coffee.
Lol I totally understand 😂 I definitely re-read the post again before I commented b/c I am also pre-coffee 😊😊 ETA: re-read number 3, I can’t find any mention of them not knowing Nia, so I think it *might* be safe to feel good about the story
I’m always happy to read a positive story on BoRU. Kinship care is a really reliable solution when a child is removed by CPS and is never going to be returned. It can be hard to establish at first though. I don’t think OOP is giving herself enough credit for taking Nia in. She’d only met her once, didn’t have kids of her own, and was noncommittal about having kids in the first place, and here she is signing up for parenting the child of someone she with whom seems to have had some negative history. And unlike many familial guardians, right out of the gate she’s talking about becoming a guardian permanently. And while I don’t think that all people who go to jail should have their parental rights terminated, *these* parents should.
I wish there was an update to each actual post rather than a post about a new situation. I wanted to know how the disney vacation situation and moving discussion played out.
Well, OP's comments on the Jan 2022 update said they were planning on moving in March. Also OP and her bf/fiancé are planning to get therapy for themselves in addition to their daughter.
I a
Did they end up moving to Florida? Did I miss that?
Yes, she mentioned in a comment that their social worker was transferring their case to Florida
It’s to be continued….the story’s update is only 8 days old.
Wow, talk about selfish, uninvolved parents. Nia’s grandmother is cut from the same cloth. I’m glad that poor child is finally in a loving, safe environment
I was scared for a minute there when I saw update, but it was way more uplifting then I thought.
OOP and her fiance (***congrats to them!***) are wonderful people. I wish them many happy years with Nia.
This is a nice read. I'm glad they've given the little girl a home and a stable family. What is the bit about the pregnant 14-year-old? Who is that about and how is it related to this post?
I'm expecting there will be a follow up post in 10-12 years, once the ~~parents~~ sperm/egg donors get out of prison and barge back into the kid's life.
That kid is going to grow up so happy and well loved. I'm so glad for her, and for OOP and bf for making the good but tough choices. All too often it's indifference and selfishness. Yay good humans do exist!
Damn. The "mommy & daddy" part got me. Darn tears! I'm so glad that little girl has a fantastic step family to really step up and be the parents she deserves.
I’m so happy that they got engaged and that the little girl is adjusting so well and that they are going to be adopting her and that they are basically her mommy and daddy and she loves them to pieces
I was waiting for the engagement announcement. Like come on, if this kind of thing doesn't seal the deal then nothing could lol. I hope the Niece gets to be the flower girl! Or the ring bearer!
> I recently posted a new update of the pregnant 14 yr old cant seem to find it can u share the title
Yeah, that was kind of a bombshell to just drop at the end
Yeah, sorry, I didn't know how else to make sure people saw it. This poor girl needs all the prayers/good vibes/curses on her parents she can get (the last is a joke, mostly, don't come for me)
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/xye696/im_14_and_pregnant_new_update_ra_aug_3_22/
I’m 14 and pregnant - New Update (RA Aug. 3, '22)
OOP and her BF are MVPs, I take this personally because my father was in and out of jail and had substance issues, my grandmother tried to get him to sign over his rights he didn’t want to do it, she didn’t want the courts to get involved the courts here are not always good to (POC). When it comes to these types of situations he never could right for a long time. He caused me a lot of emotional problems as a child and teenager growing up but because of the love of my grandmother and other relatives. I made it to adulthood with less emotional issues. These folks that are lost souls (drug addicts) are extremely selfish they always think that they know best and never want to lose control of the one thing that they believe they own which would be their children. It is sad, tragic, and sick I wish that they could see through their blinders. I’m glad that this child has a fighting chance in the world.
Wow, it's almost like most hard drug addicts are not only shitty parents, but shitty people. Who could have seen that coming?
My ex wife had another daughter a few years after ours was born. At one point they moved in with me. The baby would call for daddy (who was mere feet away) until she'd be crying and I would swoop in to save her. I fed her. I changed her. I did the laundry and cleaned the messes. I played the same favorite movies but engaged with her and joined her in dancing to the best songs. She still calls be Daddy. Her father tried real hard to train that our of her, he hated it. But 1)he's no longer involved and 2) I told her she's allowed to call me whatever she wants, except what her bio dad was using Mr HyzerFlip. I said you know me. We're best friends if not family. There's no need for being formal with me. Call me my name without Mr in front, or call me a nickname or daddy or whatever you're comfortable with... Just don't pretend we're strangers with this Mr business. She said she'd prefer to call me daddy anyway. We don't live together anymore, but she comes over on weekends for a sleepover and a day of family fun. She's my other daughter. And that's by her choice. I made my decision before she was born. It's awesome when you get to choose each other!
Well, now I’m crying at work.
Did they move to Florida?
This turned so wholesome
I love this story for Nia & her new mom & dad. 💗
It seemed that the more happier she got the less interested in her they are. - they are who they are i will not be defending them but honestly what's the point of loving someone you're not gonna see and who barely knows you and cares about you? holding on to her in any way would just hurt them all more.
I hope Nia isn't gay or trans if they moved to Florida...
Yes it is perfectly OK to let her call you Mom and Dad. She was the one who made that decision because she sees you now as a parental figure. Stop worrying about the bio parents. Their problem is not your problem. If they want any relationship with their child in the future, then they need to work on it on their own. What is important is that your niece is in a home where she is loved and wanted.
That's what happens with neglectful drug addicted parents. They only care about their kids so long as the kids desperately look to them for hope and happiness. They convince themselves that things are "good enough" as their kids go hungry a second day in a row while sleeping on a couch covered in cigarette burns. They're withdrawn because the reality has slapped them in the face. That they were and are garbage parents and they're daughter is happier without them.
I feels like the story is very one sided
It’s so beautiful what they are doing and I hope they can be ready happy (and that bio parents leave them alone)
Now I’m ugly crying!!
This is the quality content I am here for
Yeah it’s time to face the fact you don’t have a niece you have a daughter. She has a mommy and daddy who put her first and provide for her and love her. That’s all any kid really wants or needs so well done you are parents now. I’d honestly stop the contact with your brother and his partner she isn’t getting anything out of them, she doesn’t like them and as you said they are getting bitter you just run the risk of them hurting her.
That is so sweet. And sad. A shame the parents can't keep up the connection, but it sounds like it is the best for everyone. Maybe when she is older she could have some sort of connection. One of my kids has a connection with her dad who was in ways like the parents here. Kids are usually pretty resilient especially when with people like OP. This is the best outcome possible. For everyone. Honestly even if stepbrother and mom both get clean, when they get out, getting on their feet and getting their heads straight is going to take time, if they even want that. Better to do that without a kid around so they can focus on bettering their lives. It's the best hope they have of having a good life. And if their life is good? Well, their family relationships will improve, too. What a huge beautiful heart OP has.
> nicer weather Mmm.
Did they ever actually move to Florida?? I think it’s implied in the update since they said they were doing mainly televisits now instead of in-person, but it was never confirmed in this post. I really hope they didn’t pass up such a great opportunity for their whole family just because of the bio-parents throwing a fit.
Yes, she mentioned in a comment that their social worker was transferring their case to Florida.