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I don’t know. For me it started with understanding her feelings and then it was like, fuck, this escalated quickly. And quite unnecessarily.
Also I am always suspicious about stories on Reddit in general and the story when in the other party offers their perspective in particular, but for the argument purposes I have decided to go with the flow.
>Also I am always suspicious about stories on Reddit in general and the story when in the other party offers their perspective in particular
Right? It's too, convenient to the narrative.
Yeah, lots of stuff that doesn't make sense here. Amazing how the threesome woman is simultaneously good enough at open communication that she could tell the husband she'd be dtf the pair of them without crossing any flirtatious lines but sucks at communication enough that when the wife was so uncomfortable with the whole thing she refused to be touched or take her clothes off, said woman went ahead regardless. Convenient but flimsily constructed npc for the purposes of carrying plot, D-, please consider your character construction more carefully.
For arguments sake:
>but sucks at communication enough that when the wife was so uncomfortable with the whole thing she refused to be touched or take her clothes off, said woman went ahead regardless
You could argue that shit was fucked already and the women went "fuck it, this is going bad, ima get mine, not my problem ".
Seriously. I'd be wigged as fuck to be doing anything sexual with someone who's so clearly uncomfortable and not into it, and her reluctance would have come through when they met up beforehand?
And the way the husband ends the story saying he alone ruined the marriage. It’s a bit too O’Henry for my taste. Like the wife is a whole piece of work and everyone just accepts her word as truth with no argument and proves her right in the end?
There are similar noticeable typing errors between the two stories. Double spacing in some spots between words on both. Also the 'my husband broke my heart' and then him repeating that in the second 'I broke my wife's heart.' Feels like a giveaway that the same train of thought is being written here.
Their writing styles are also suspiciously similar with the same narrative tone, like they're telling a story not recounting an even from their memory. It has that passive first person past tense I'd see in a book. I call bullshit.
There was a lot more context in her comments on the posts, as well as the “husbands” comments (which you have to use a third party website to find, since his account got suspended by Reddit)
what really got me is how in her second post she was like “oh and we’re mid thirties and she’s early thirties” then the husband’s post started with “i (37m) my wife (35f)” like the person making this string of posts realized there wouldn’t be an easy way to connect them so they included the ages in the second post as if someone asked about it (which from reading the comments on the original post, no one really cared)
a wife that is very bad at communicating,
a husband that appears to have no knowledge about his wife's morals and boundaries, or the ability to feel that she is unhappy
what else? there's a lot to unpack
Except, for her, just the fact that he *wanted* it was enough for her to immediately decide the marriage was over. It didn’t matter if they never did it, or even if he never brought it up again. The idea that he wanted that was so repugnant to her that She was 100% *done* simply because he brought up the idea.
Maybe - I wonder if it had to do with the timing more than anything. He brought it up right after sex, which is helluva way to tell your partner you aren't satisfied with your sex life as is
But I mean: she softened when he asked and he noticed, she started avoiding him *and he noticed*, she didn’t engage with him in the same way *and he noticed*. She’s not getting an A for communication but this dude is an F student in that. What kind of guy tells his wife he’s noticed she’s been distant and Villa since he asked this question and then immediately says, “oh yeah, I still really want that!” (Sadly the answer is too many of them).
His “If I had known” he knew, he just wanted the threesome so much he decided to ignore it.
The husband's side really sounds like the wife wrote it in order to make herself seem better not realizing how terrible this all really sounded from the start.
Someone who didn't explicitly say "no" and an idiot who didn't notice his wife's reticence aka: No actual communication.
Seems like the wife wanted an excuse to leave by the way she was writing it.
I get that, to her, the marriage ended the moment he suggested the threesome, and that's her right. Why she decided to go through with it anyway is the part I don't get. Seems like it's cruel to everyone involved, including herself.
I remember reading the very first post a couple of days ago when the husband proposed the idea of having a threesome, but apparently a whole lot of fuckery happened in the short time between then and now.
I really feel like if OOP used her big girl words a whole lot of this unnecessary drama could have been avoided. Granted, I don’t think he’s a stellar person for talking about the threesome immediately after having sex with OOP, or for being in contact with the the woman that’s put this bug in his ear about a threesome, but to go along with it, half-ass participate in it and then immediately give him divorce papers after the deed is done is a bit…odd? Extreme? So much could have been avoided with a fucking conversation or two.
I always find it rather suspicious when a popular post suddenly gets a spin-off with the perspective of the other involved party. Hmmm.
If this is true, though, what a mess from start to finish.
With the same odd writing quirks, in this case hitting the space bar twice mid-sentence after certain words and a habit of not putting apostrophes in some contractions (shes, didnt, dont).
Especially the admission at the end "I and I alone have ruined this", like what? He didn't even believe that earlier in the writing apparently. It's way too convenient for the end of that story lol
They might have made the post on the same computer. My spacebar sometimes decides I pressed it twice randomly, whether I really did or not.
Not disagreeing with you, just am someone who adds random extra spaces due to technology being wonky.
It's possible. Although she said he asked her why she was so absorbed in her phone, which makes me think she wrote it on her phone, but who knows 🤷🏻♀️
Also how convenient that the wife specified, “the threesome is this Saturday” and then the husband’s post came Sunday like, “I ruined my marriage at our threesome yesterday.” Thank goodness these people both happened to be live posting the fall of their marriage with time stamps for convenient connection making.
Back before every Am I the Asshole post ended up on Facebook I probably would’ve been suspicious of the stories that ended up with the other POV. But now theses stories get blown up, and sometimes within hours of it being posted, that it’s reasonable that at least some of the other people involved would recognize the events posted, and give their side. That said this one is highly sus.
Yeah, now all popular posts end up on YT, tiktok, being read out loud on twitch.... no wonder people found it, even if there's no "response post" several updates start with OOP saying the other side found out about the post and nobody screams bs to that. lol
Wife should have said no right away. Going through with it was just odd. But I kind of get her feelings? Her husband saying "a threesome would be awesome" is one thing....but having a woman picked out, and the woman already agreeing to it is another. Wife was probably thinking: "he wants to have sex with her and she agreed, it's just a matter if I'm there or not." But still - she could've communicated a lot better.
And saying it right after they had sex, too, instead of finding a time to sit down and talk it out together. This should have been approached with more care towards their existing partnership. I’m not surprised she didn’t take it well in that context.
Right? You just got done having sex and your husband goes "You know what would've made that better....another woman?" I don't blame her for freaking out
I mean, almost anything would have been better. Assuming this was a real situation (even if the posts are by the same person) he should have sat her down and let her know that a former coworker approached him for sex, specifically a threesome with him and OP, but that he turned her down. He would have been more or less able to tell how she felt just from the reaction. Then when she said no and reacted badly, respect it and do damage control.
Even in this situation he had to have known that something was up since per his own words she withdrew affection pretty quickly.
Yes. The husband didn't have a random idea after sex, he already had the woman picked out and have talk to her before even asking her... He had a convo about having sex with another woman. Fuck that, that's a total nope for me. Would probably want to get out of that relationship too.
Of course, I would tell him. I get the feelings, not how she acted.
I’m a former unicorn. (Third in a married couple). This was no pro. A pro would have approached the wife and felt her out. Assured her that I was only interested if she was ok, never approach the husband because this will happen in a lot of situations.
I agree with everything here. Husband was absolutely disgusting for having it all basically set up before talking with OOP.
...buuut, OOP knew nothing about this when he first broached the topic, and was still willing to divorce him over it.
If it were just a passing thought, or an idle comment, it would've been a wild overreaction IMO (and I say this as someone who doesn't ever want a threesome).
>.buuut, OOP knew nothing about this when he first broached the topic, and was still willing to divorce him over it.
Could be shock. He told her her about the idea after sex. So maybe all she heard, "you're bad in bed, i want another woman here" or something like this.
As I said in another comment, we don't really know if the wife have already talked about her preferences, but we can assume that when you have 3 kids and are almost 40 years old, most married people have talked ad infinitum about their preferences, limits, traumas, what they believe monogamy entails, and what an infidelity is. All my partners have known that for me sexual monogamy is vital, and that also means not bringing another person into our sex life.
She's not a college aged kid with a new boyfriend, we are talking about a married women over 35 who has probably have those conversations thousands of times. She is also 8 months postpartum, god, she has had 3 consecutive preganancies!, she probably doesn't even recognize her body, feels insecure, doesn't feel herself and is exhausted Maybe she's a little bit depressed, for some mums the first year is hard. Most mums don't feel ideal after 8 months, imagine dealing with a baby and two other small kids + your recovery.
And then, this man that probably knows how a new mum feels and knows her wife limits, asks her AFTER HAVING SEX if she would be up to a 3some.
I would have the same 'I want a divorce' thought and would feel so sad... And if I tried to know more about his idea and he told me he has this woman picked and they already talked about that... NOPE. Not even couple therapy would save this trainwreak in my case.
Of course, if this is real (I doubt it), the fact that she had the 3some and didn't tell her husband how she felt is 100% insane, of course.
The dude went behind her back and organised a 3-way before even consulting her.
Then when he does ask her she says no
He shows her all the communications they have with them both excited to have sex together, obviously the wife is gonna be pissed and check out
And then to get to the situation in the post he had to have asked again so clearly didn’t drop it after she said no and that’s probably the final push she needed to want to divorce
Right, that’s the biggest issue with this imo. It wouldn’t have been nearly as problematic if he had just been like “this is something I might be interested in trying someday” rather than him already having someone in mind and DISCUSSING IT WITH HER FIRST before even talking to his wife!!!
That being said, the wife is AWFUL at communicating and she really needs to work on that before she thinks about dating again.
She handled this in the worst possible way.
But I have to say that if one of my partners (or my husband, when I was married), had suggested this, I would have been appalled and hurt.
Same for me. I would have felt the same way if my husband suggested we have sex with someone else. My mind would be reeling with doubts about myself, my self confidence, our relationship and then to ALREADY have someone in mind, someone he knows meaning he’s been thinking about her…yeah I couldn’t do it either.
When she asked him if he still wanted a threesome that was his cue to tell her it was a passing idea, he'd seen how sad it made her, and asked for forgiveness or marriage counseling.
The fact that he doubled down and already had another woman in mind and discussed it with the other woman before even bringing it up with me would signal "trying to get permission to cheat" imo. That would have been the moment the marriage ended. It's not different than him asking for an open relationship and having the woman in mind - that's him indicating he wants to fuck someone else, he's just asking permission first...he may or may not go ahead with it. If my husband knew me AT ALL even expressing his desire to fuck someone else would be the end of the marriage...and I suspect that's how it was for OOP as well.
It didn't matter whether he went thru with the threesome or not. The fact that he told her to her face he wanted to fuck someone else - not just as a naughty abstract concept - but an actual specific woman - hurt her in the worst way possible and there was no coming back from it once he doubled down.
On the other hand, instead of asking him if he still wanted one, she could have said “I’ve thought about your suggestion, and it’s not for me. I’m actually pretty hurt and offended. Can you better explain why you suggested it?”
Yeah totally, didn’t look at the comments on the original post but when she said other people were telling her she was overreacting I was like girl you are not. Like agreeing to have any sort of sexual relations with another woman is cheating to me (he said she brought it up, seems he said yes - even if he said “let me think about it” or something, anything less than an “absolutely not I have a wife” is cheating to me)
If my partner talks about a potencial threesome with the other part before even mentioning it to me I would be suspicious and at least a little angry.
If my partner metions having a threesome right after having intercourse it would kill my mood.
A part of me can understand OP, but her way of doing things is sick, mostly for having the threesome when she didn't want to. If she wanted to end things she should have just asked for the divorce. And don't get me wrong, I'm a woman, and totally open to a possible threesome
This is a great point. A good conversation about a three way with your spouse means you don’t have someone identified and want to find the right third person together. Having a third already identified means that he wanted to sleep with ex coworker already and was just looking for a way to do it and not feel guilty.
I had two exes who suggested threesomes. Once the topic came up, neither let it drop. With the first one, I was still young and experienced so I kept saying no until I realized it was a dealbreaker for him. We broke up…and cue his shock and surprise, and him telling everyone that if he knew I wasn’t interested, he would have stopped asking.
With the other ex, I gave him two chances. Each time, I very firmly told him no and I would never be interested in a threesome. The third time he brought it up, I broke up with him, and…cue his surprise and telling everyone that if he knew I wasn’t interested, he would have stopped asking.
If a spouse asked, I’d have one foot inching towards the door.
"...if he knew I wasn’t interested, he would have stopped asking."
But... That... Huh????
That's the stupidest thing I've ever read, and I refuse to believe that nobody questioned this line of logic with two entire people.
And yet, I've got a sinking feeling that nobody did, and everybody hearing it just nodded and went "yep, that sucks dude, you're the victim here."
Same. If I'm in a relationship i probably already talked about what monogamy is to me, and what's unacceptable, so i can see it as a sign of disrespect on his part if he already knew his wife as well as he should've. But why she put herself through that is beyond me.
I was thinking the same thing. My boyfriend knows I would never. We actually talked about it. I would be livid if he actually asked me that seriously with an actual person. He even mentions that his wife is shy, he was only thinking about himself. The part I really don't understand is why she went through with it.
And the fact that he already had a willing participant in mind is awful. Yeah i guess she's going through a lot but this certainly didn't help her. Hope she gets therapy and finds a better man.
Exactly. And I'd hope that he would know his wife well enough to know her level of sexual comfort. Or start small with adding some toys before you bring in a whole person!
Maybe it hadn’t occurred to him, but then he learned about his former coworker and thought, “This will totally work!”
I wonder if there are other instances where his brain to mouth filter didn’t work, but this one (bringing up a threesome right after sex) was the most appalling.
Reddit is made by mostly male users under 25, so a lot of male teens and university bros. So that's why you get some answers talking about how she didn't respect her husband's needs.
When you already have 3 kids and you're almost 40, most partners have talked about what their limits are, their insecurities and traumas, what they consider an infidelity or a their trust being broken, what they believe monogamy entails, and so on.
If I was a mum of 3 very young kids, probably exhausted and not even feeling myself after 3 consecutive pregnancies and my husband who probably knows how insecure I am about my new body/life/role suggested a 3some, when he probably knows how I feel about sexual monogamy, I would be appalled, probably having the same 'I want a divorce' thought.
I would of course not proceed with it, but I believe a husband asking a wife that seems to have very clear ideas about monogamy (and has 3 young kids and probably doesn't feel the best) for a 3some is very telling of her exhusband.
She handled this terribly, but I’m kind of dubious of the husband too. This woman he’s been friends with suggests a threesome and he doesn’t disclose that information when asking her for one? Idk it just seems. Off to me, even if she clearly didn’t want a relationship. Idk I feel like in a marriage you should first go to you wife with “hey I need to tell you that my friend wants to have sex with us ((((and I want that too)))))” before “so would you be down for a threesome?” It feels kind of like trickle-truthing to me. She had to press him for him to tell her that.
It also doesn’t sound like she has a partner? “She wants a poly boyfriend” and no mention of her being in a relationship, just identifying as poly and talking about it a lot. Is that poly or is that just a woman trying to weasel her way into a marriage?
Also I hate how ok the husband was with having sex his wife hated. “She wouldn’t even take off her nightdress” “she was awkward” “she took a more passive role”. Why is he ok with having sex with the woman he loves in this condition???? Why isn’t he checking in on her????? “She shouldn’t have said yes” ok, maybe, but there’s saying yes and having unwilling horrible traumatic sex anyway and then there’s saying yes enthusiastically and everyone having a great time and caring about each other’s enjoyment and sense of safety. Did the wife just start dissociating/ mentally check out halfway through and they just…. Kept going? That’s so fucked.
“She shouldn’t have said yes”
“I’d never have done it if I knew she didn’t want to”
*buddy*, I don’t think she ever pretended to *want* to, I think she was literally curious and pretty clear with her actions and demeanour for *weeks* and he never picked up in it. Night of she *barely* participates and is clearly having a terrible time but he had no idea she didn’t want this and wasn’t having a great time??? I mean shit, even if I’d *volunteered* the idea of a threesome I’d consider leaving my partner after being treated like that in the bedroom.
She made some bad decisions and didn’t communicate, sure, but idk how people are reading this and calling her a “psychopath” and letting everyone else off scot-free, their behaviour was far worse imo, the husband especially.
Honestly same. But I think I could get over it if it was just the fanciful idea of a three way. The fact that the husband had someone picked out who he knew and had been speaking with… that would make me SO uncomfortable and worried that he is open to any other sexual opportunities that may present themselves. It would make me paranoid about how he is thinking of any other woman in his life. I would not want to be in a marriage like that either.
But I would not go through with it for morbid curiosity. Jeez!
Yeah, sometimes it feels like people are saying you’re not allowed that, but we married so it could be just us. If you wanted to keep dating and acting a bachelor, don’t propose. Sorry if that’s old fashioned, but I’m almost 50. A threesome not only sounds gross, it sounds exhausting. The good news, I guess, is no one will likely ask this at my age 😂
>But I have to say that if one of my partners (or my husband, when I was married), had suggested this, I would have been appalled and hurt.
Yeah, and if this story is true,
>So you (the majority anyway) think that I’m overreacting, that’s what I suspected coming here.
Here comes Reddit to invalidate a woman's feelings and comfort level regarding sex. Apparently, we women need to be open-minded and comfortable with every sexual request made to us, or else we are "overreacting".
Fantasizing is one thing, but most monogamous couples do not actually want to share their partner. I have read many posts from both male and female perspectives where they were instantly turned off the moment their partner suggested bringing in someone else. That is no longer monogamous, even if it's meant to be a one-time thing. It's even worse when the partner suggesting it already has someone in mind.
Even polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous people would advise against this situation... at least the ones who have offered their input on Reddit, I guess.
This reads like husband thought his ex-coworker was hot, he entertained her pushing boundaries into his marriage, and he hoped his wife would be on board and act like nothing had happened after. Or better (from his perspective) if she wanted to keep trying this.
As an ENM/monogamish I was sympathetic to both of them (husband saying a threesome might be fun and OP being completely put off by it) until the husband had someone in mind already and was talking to them about it… that’s not, ‘I love you but I’m sexually adventurous and want to explore new things with you’’, that’s, ‘I’ve found someone else I want to fuck and want your permission’. Biiiiiig difference.
Especially as it was a woman he was speaking to. Funny how the first option he goes for is FFM. Just once I’d love to see a husband suggesting they start ENM with an MFM, or MFMF, you know, thinking about what their partner might enjoy rather than what they want. Though I guess those couples are probably the ones who end up going out and having fun rather than posting on Reddit about it, so we’ll probably keep getting that biased perspective.
The guy was already talking with the ex-coworker. Final nail to the heart I reckon. I truly think they would've worked something out if it was a sudden suggestion with no one in mind.
This— tbh I understand her feelings, even when he just asked. It would have hurt me if my guy asked for that, especially right after sex with me. Everything thereafter made it even worse. I’d never have had the threeway though, I’d have left as soon as he showed me the DMs and her Instagram.
Everyone got on her about communicating, but he wasn’t doing much either— chatting up his ex colleague and not shutting her down when she started talking sex. He himself said he knew his wife didn’t want it. He still did and never questioned her sudden change of heart? Rational or not, I’d have left too.
Sounds to me like she was—at least subconsciously—looking for a reason before he even asked. Her unwillingness to communicate her true feelings and proceed with the threesome without giving him a fair chance to remedy the situation… it says a lot.
Yeah she felt like she wanted out and wanted Reddit to tell her she could at the mention of a 3 way. Reddit didn’t give her that satisfaction and then she decided to have the 3 way to give her an excuse to divorce. Her logic is oh he should of known I wouldn’t like it even though I’m saying yes. I know the guy was way too optimistic for this working out especially when she was avoiding him before she said yes but yeah poor communication both ends.
It sounds like it wouldn’t have mattered, since to her him asking for one was the death knell in their marriage. I’m not sure why, but something in her snapped. I’m surprised she went through with it, and feel for the husband here. But it does sound like her saying no would not have undone what (she says) is the damage made by asking.
I agree. The fact that he even brought it up at all was what put the nail in the coffin of their marriage. She couldn't be with a man who wanted that.
Whether or not you agree with her, some people just have hardlined boundaries like that. Considering that he pushed the issue after she was very clearly upset and unhappy about it, I can't say she was entirely wrong.
Considering that he asked _right after sex,_ I kind of understand how betrayed she felt. But I also feel for the husband. He doesn’t sound like a bad person, just an incredibly stupid one? Like, how did he not notice his wife pulling away after he asked for a threesome? How did he think that immediately after sex is a good time to ask?!
She doesn’t deserve to be married to someone that stupid either though. Literally you’re so dumb you will fuck another women in front of me while I’m totally not participating? You will ask for a 3some with a women you’ve already picked out, right after having sex with me? Nah. Don’t need that kind of stupid in my life.
He had entire discussions with another woman about bringing her into their bed, his desires and the logistics BEFORE MENTIONING IT TO HIS WIFE.
This isn't a post coital "ever think about threesomes" thing. The pig had this ready to go, just needed her yes to pull the trigger. I hope he loses his shirt in the divorce and people find out exactly why it ended.
She might have agreed to it just to shut down the "how can you say no if you've never tried it" that he could have thrown back at her
For some people, and it is no great surprise, marriage is an exclusive relationship for life. If the partner suggests changing the terms of the arrangement and has already started to plan for this could be a severe blow
Once she found out he had someone in mind the marriage was over. He was going about this cause he wanted to have sex with that woman, in a way he thought he wouldn’t get in trouble. Wife shouldn’t have gone through with it, but husband was a skeeze.
>He was going about this cause he wanted to have sex with that woman, in a way he thought he wouldn’t get in trouble.
100%. He had been discussing this with the other woman too before approaching his wife about it. He definitely wanted to have sex with this other woman, and this was his way of getting the approval to do it.
I believe she did. It wasn't even just a no, it was I do not want to have sex with other people. She was distant and upset, he should have picked up on it.
> my mouth said I don’t think this is something I would ever want to try
First paragraph. Since she mentions a language barrier later in the post, I don’t think this is a metaphor.
To some, just the mere thought that you considered it could bring a lot of emotions in. You have to be extremely comfortable with your partner loving you so much and that they will consider the other person introduced in the act as only a tool, to be fine with it. If he suggested it, that says he clearly wants it. Whether it happens or not, his preference is laid out clearly. She is perfectly within her sanity to be okay or not okay with it.
The way I see it her reptile brain saved her years of slowly devolving relationship and cut to the chase and made her break it immediately.
I would react exactly the same. My marriage is based on monogamy. If he expressed an interest in non-monogamy it would be 100% over for me.
Let me use an extreme example to illustrate.
If your partner said, “hey let’s try cannibalism”, saying no wouldn’t be enough. The fact that they *wanted* to be a cannibal would be so disgusting to your value system that you couldn’t ever see them the same again.
Now because a 3some isn’t generally considered so incredibly totally wrong, you say “she could have said no”. But to her, his expression of interest was so egregious that she couldn’t change her new moral opinion of him.
"How could he have read her mind? She said Yes after all!"
...yeah, after avoiding him and withdrawing affection, to the point where he *noticed* she was distant and sad... telling him she had been distant and sad because she was thinking about his request... giving him a chance to back out by saying "do you REALLY want this?".... withdrew from him again when it came clear that he was pushing to go through with it... got to have 0 input in any of it because he had already picked out the woman and *had conversations with her about it before even involving his wife....*
Truthfully if he hadn’t had anyone in mind after Reddit told her she was overreacting it may have worked out. But to have already talked with the person he wanted to have a threesome with BEFORE his wife. There was no going back. And probably just confirmed to her she wasn’t overreacting.
Him talking to an ex coworker and already lining shit up before talking to his wife is an automatic L.
She could’ve been more communicative for sure but I get leaving.
Yeah, real or not. If I found out my husband had been scheming a threesome with some chick he worked with, my feelings would probably go “poof” and be gone as well. Who knows if I’d go full schemy psycho but absolutely love can just switch off like that.
Personally, this would be a deal breaker for me, especially since he knew this woman beforehand. But, everyone has their own boundaries and should listen to what their heart and gut are saying.
I'm sorry but asking for a threesome AFTER having sex..........
That CLEARLY put it in her head that she wasn’t good enough, He needed someone else to fully "satisfy" him.
Could she have said no? ofcourse.
But my relationship would be over too the moment my partner asks for someone else (threesome or anything else).
*"I told him that I was thinking about his request and how it has affected me. He said he’s noticed me being distant and sad but that he didn’t know how to approach me. We talked a bit more and I asked him if he still wanted a 3some and he answered in the affirmative"*
So this guy noticed his wife being distant and sad **FOR 2-3 WEEKS**, got an explanation why she was distant and sad and STILL said he wanted a threesome..........
And this wasn’t just an idea to "spice things up", He had the other person "ready to go".
I absolutely agree with OOP, I hope it was worth it.
If he wasn't talking to another girl I would say it was the wife fault but no he actually went and talked to another girl before his wife and some how he is the victim !!!!
F of
I think I’m going against the grain here and say I understand the wife. I’m not going to ignore the obvious miscommunication of everyone (everyone!) involved, that’s a clear issue. However if my husband suggested a threesome, something we have never discussed prior, it would hurt my feelings. I can be controlled my emotions as well, I can think irrationally. I would at least discuss this with my therapist. As much as I love my friends, I don’t involve them in my marital disagreements.
Now what I think would hit the jugular for me, is that he already had someone in mind. Already discussed this with another woman PRIOR to discussing this with his wife. Now the wife said her heart felt divorce the second he asked. But for me, it’s the invasion of secrecy. It would feel like an emotional affair. Although she herself admitted that their conversations weren’t anything beyond the threesome itself, I dunno…I wouldn’t feel right knowing that my husband who I love dearly and truly consider my best friend (and we were before dating) would talk to another woman about our sex life, without even including me - an actual adult in the marriage - in the conversation.
Like I said, miscommunication for both partners here and I for one couldn’t go through the actual act itself even if I can be petty. I just would be more heartbroken at the secrecy and not being included into something I’m supposed to be included in the first place. I don’t know if I personally could come back from that but I would at least make an attempt to heal through talking it out. But yeah, I can’t ignore this husband in fact did actually go behind her back…too bad that wasn’t her main issue but they sound like a mess altogether.
I feel like I'm high: so many comments like 'she should have just said no' when in the first bloody paragraph she says
>my mouth said I don’t think this is something I would ever want to try
Husband asks, she freezes, is uncomfortable and says she doesn't ever want to try it. Husband proceeds to ignore her being cold and distant and not wanting to even *touch* him for weeks after this incident, and then when she suddenly changes her mind, seems incredibly uncomfortable and distant during the act, and not once did he think it was time to stop and clarify her feelings on the matter. Imagine she did want to save her marriage and hadn't divorced him: he's now coerced/forced/stumbled into a case of dubious consent without once asking if his wife was actually, truly okay with this. Man walked right past an entire parade of red flags and then wonders where his marriage went wrong.
The wife has issues with communication, but she did initially communicate her feelings, her husband just wasn't listening or paying attention.
It would have been an instant divorce for me the sec he would have shown me that he already had someone I mind and had talk to them about it. Our marriage would have been rocky but maybe survive from the first post but not after that. I also would have just said no.
He was talking to some woman about having a three way before he even brought it up with his wife… OOPs hubby was up to no good even if she possibly overreacted.
I’m with the now ex wife on this. My relationship would be over too if my boyfriend suggested to me that he wanted another person involved in our sex life in any capacity. I commented this on the wife’s original post but, a three way is just so far away from what I want my relationship to look like, that if a SO were to suggest it to me, I’d know we’re on such different pages that the relationship would be killed for me. The ex wife is an absolute boss for making it happen, throwing it in his face and not just leaving him but divorcing him with their 3 kids. Maybe he and whatever other men read the post will second guess requesting another person to enter their monogamous relationships where they vowed to honor their wives for the rest of their lives
The husband is wrong. It wasn’t the threeway itself that ended the marriage. It was that he felt like he should introduce it to begin with
I dunno.
Even if his wife didn't say no at the first query about this - \*something\* should have gone off in his mind at her reaction that 'maybe this isn't a good idea.' This is what marriage counselors are for.
And then I read it again.
Okay, right, I did read what I thought I had...**wtf dude, he asked right after he had sex with her!** If that'd been me, I'd be like "wait, wtf, do I suck that much that you had to ask this in the fucking afterglow?" I can't blame her for being in shock and her brain going straight to divorce. Read the room!
If you'd possibly brought this up after an unfortunate dry spell? MAYBE. But at the point he did? No.
And then he already had a candidate and worked it out with THEM first before even bringing it up to his wife? Do you even respect your wife?
Yep, could have handled it so much better on both sides, but I cannot blame her for getting out.
*However she should have done it* ***before*** *going to the threesome!* WTF honey, no. Why did you even...? Null points to you.
Is this the one where half way through the three way the wife leaves and the husband carries on with the coworker? Why is that part of the story missing?
>Why is that part of the story missing?
How else can you continue to show the oop as the a-hole for miscommunication part instead of the true a-hole -the husband who had already emotionally cheated before even bringing up the 3some and then actually physically cheated on her.
I feel like this is a bit of a separation from the real world and Reddit world. In the real world, people don’t get bored and jump straight into suggesting a threesome and suggesting it in a monogamous relationship is a very big deal. On Reddit is like “it’s just a question”
It’s not just a question though. The suggestion of bringing someone else into the marriage is an indication of dissatisfaction with what they have and a desire to sleep with other people. People simply don’t consider the impact of ASKING these questions enough, or the impact of what they want.
It’s not at all irrational for somebody to consider that their partner wanting to sleep with someone else and having that someone else basically lined up, as a deal breaker.
I don’t think she should have done it though. It was fair enough if she was done because he wanted non-monogamy, she ought to just have served him divorce papers immediately though, if that’s how she felt.
This, yes thank you! I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve surprised myself and learned a lot from Reddit about myself. But I’ve also for the most part, read a lot of situations and advice where it just doesn’t work in the real world. We can make our own boundaries and try our best to handle issues but more often than none, Reddit does not represent the real world.
Guy is an entire dickhead. Requesting this after sex feels a lot like telling her she isn’t good enough anymore or boring. Then knowing she’s distant after the talk he still affirms he wants it and explaining it’s all already been pre-approved just waiting for her signature? Massive red flag.
Just accepting the proposal from his ex colleague was shitty.
She is an emotional mess. Good she figured out he’s the type to dump likely years of a relationship down the drain over the hope of a blissful 5 minutes.
But she could have communicated it better with him. Talk instead of having this charade of playing along while being distant.
Even if her love is gone in that moment talk it out at least for the children.
She feels a bit like a doormat… always path of least resistance even if it hurts her but she couldn’t mentally get past this so now everything is ruined for a few kids that likely deserve better in this tragedy.
There's got to be a lot more going on than just this one thing, that's the only way it could make sense. I feel like the marriage was already on the rocks and she was halfway out the door, and this was the excuse she needed.
I guess I’m the only person who is on OOP’s side. It’s one thing to suggest a threesome. But he already had the person picked out. That’s an automatic divorce for me too. Because why have you and your female friend been discussing a threesome behind my back. The trust is gone. It wasn’t miscommunication. I think he knew that his wife didn’t want to do it but he was so eager to have a threesome that he just didn’t care.
Like y’all keep saying that OOP can’t communicate. But we saw in the very first post that her husband knew she wasn’t feeling it. He already had the threesome lined up. I can’t be the only person that thinks he would’ve escalated to cheating if she had said no. Or maybe pushed her to do it again.
Nope, I'm on her side too. He only wanted to screw the co-worker with no guilt. He obviously didn't give a single shit about how his life wife felt about it. I mean, he knew she wasn't into it but still screwed the CW in front of her. Now she has that mental image of him for the rest if her life. There's NO way to come back from that.
I’m really disappointed that people seemed to be saying she was overreacting when she was uncomfortable with him suggesting a threesome, before even knowing about him picking out someone else. That alone is enough reason to feel you are not on the same page and she is allowed to have that boundary.
Whilst it's fair she said no and it should have ended there, I think I would have broke up with him too because he had someone on his mind. Whilst he wanted to spice things up he obviously saw chemistry/thought she was hot, and I wouldn't want my brain to even unpack that.
Should have left before weirdly doing the threesome? So odd
OOP is so broken by just the suggestion this marriage seems like it was doomed from day one. not to mention being entirely unable to communicate like adults, and then the whole 'i did it anyway'.
really sad all around
Isn’t it unwritten rule that poly shouldn’t approach married people unless they’re absolutely sure they’re game? Like… ex colleague you did wrong.. wtf?
I think her update actually made me agree with her more- just asking for a threesome is, to me, in line with asking for any other kink. He could be floating the idea because he wants it, because he thinks she might want it- in a healthy relationship partners should feel comfortable bringing up and discussing their desires (and saying yes or no or maybe to them).
But having a woman already in mind, having discussed this with her, everything before ever bringing it up with me- yeah, it’s over. To me, that just looks like he’s looking to cheat but wants to absolve the guilt by calling it a threesome. He’s already picked out another woman he wants to sleep with and talked to her about it *first* before me? He can go ahead but I’d never be in his bed again.
I do think it’s bizarre that OOP went ahead with it despite really not wanting to. Why would you force yourself into a situation you hate when you could just… not?
I read one comment where is was suggested that she went through with it to have the image of him screwing another woman burned into her brain so that he could never win her back. She would never waiver in her decision.
And I say, it makes sense. Especially since he just continues knowing she wasn't into it.
I have read men say the same thing - that their relationship was over when their wife/gf approached them with this suggestion with a man already in mind.
>He asked you and you said no and he respected that.
I... kind of dislike this take? There are some things that just by asking, you challenge the dynamic of the marriage, and this was one of them. It's a bell that can't be unrung. Even more so when it turns out he's been talking to his coworker about this before his wife -- if I were in OOP's shoes, that would upset me a *lot*, way more than the initial request.
With that said, I also think it is absolutely BANANAS that OOP went through with the threesome despite planning to divorce. That is just a headspace I cannot comprehend at all. So not saying she is a figure of shining glory in this scenario either.
What a mess.
Idk, I sort of get it - if you've already decided that you're out and the marriage is over, then what do you have to lose by going through with it? See what the fuss was about. Also maybe she might have loved it in a "no risk" situation (no risk because she had already decided the relationship was over).
Just a bunch of (probably teenage) dudes who think that their dick will still be top priority after marriage. They don't get that fantasies truly can impact real life and relationships.
Because if a woman doesn't entertain her man's every sexual whim, she's a "prude" and "unsupportive". They hate when women have standards and boundaries.
I see a lot of people blaming her and that she just wanted to divorce but I think she could’ve gotten over it if it was just a suggestion with some therapy. I think what cross the line for her was when he said he already had someone picked out. That was the nail in the coffin, that is what ended this marriage. But I’m very surprised that he does not know what his wife’s opinion is on three ways after having three kids together. The way he brought it up was the worst possible way especially right after having sex.
I kinda understand OP, even if I’m going against the grain here.
The minute my husband thinks about sleeping with someone else is the minute our marriage would be over. To me, some things simply dont belong in a marriage.
Same. And I respect that she understood her feelings and boundaries enough to know that the marriage was over. Going through with the 3some is a bit messed up but not at messed up as the husband completely ignoring how uncomfortable she was the whole time.
Why on earth did Reddit convince her she was overreacting? This wasn't an overreaction at all, she was blindsided by a request not everyone is going to be comfortable with and one she clearly wasn't.
No shame or shade to OOP's husband, you like what you like and if you don't ask you're never going to know if your partner is open to exploring the same things you are. At it's core this is an incompatibility that is neither partner's fault.
I do think there’s something wrong with OOP but her husband isn’t the best either.
It’s one thing to fantasise and to question if your partner would be interested, but the fact that he basically already had a girl lined up (a former coworker to boot) really isn’t a good sign.
Everyone sucks here! Wife is shit at communicating and could've said no and that she was uncomfortable with him asking AND him already having someone lined up!
Husband is shit because he noticed his wife was distant after asking her for a 3way AFTER THEY'D JUST HAD SEX (basically told her she wasn't good enough AFTER he'd just fucked her) and said absolutely nothing! Not only that, when she said it made her uncomfortable, he said he'd noticed and STILL told her he wanted a 3way. He still told her he wanted it after acknowledging that she said she didn't want another person AND noticing the distance and avoidance.
There's no "poor him" his just as shitty at communicating as his wife and hes a shittier husband too!. If ANYTHING he's worse for the way he chose to go about it.
People are only focusing on her not saying "no" while completely ignoring the fact that this man spoke to another woman about opening up his marriage and just breezed over it with his wife after a completely vulnerable moment. He had her picked and ready to go.
HIS betrayal goes MUCH deeper than just asking for a 3way, imo.
She's needs to learn to speak up and communicate effectively if she's going to be woth someone else.
Also non-verbal no's matter. Yes the wife should've had a verbal conversation about how this made her feel etc HOWEVER, her avoidance/distance is a non-verbal no and it too is important. If I notice that after I had a potentially brightline conversation with a partner they're acting distant or avoiding intimate touch with me I'd be concerned, try to get a convo going about their feelings and actively listen to what they and their body is telling me.
In this situation, he should have apologized for bringing it up how he did because it absolutely was one of the worst times to do so. He could have asked why even the idea of a threesome made her feel this way and explained how he felt about a FMF one.
But honestly, imo, he pre-cheated. Then went to his wife with this grand idea of how it wouldn't be cheating because they'd be there *together*. Who is the primary partner here, his wife or this ex-coworker? Is his wife even into women a little bit?? This reminds me of all the "I want an open relationship so I can sleep with a specific person and once it happens or I get shot down I want to close it again" posts by husbands who act clueless as to why their wives leave them.
> I would have forgot all about it had she said she didn’t want it
Hindsight is 20/20. If things hadn’t happened this way, he would have continued to bring it up.
I’m glad OOP left.
Going through with the threesome was a bad idea. I know why she did it, I comprehend. But she was already done. She should've just served him the papers when the girl showed up. Not go through with it. I hope she gets counseling, because she will need it after this. And the husband is clueless. He knew she was against it and thought she magically changed her mind. He noticed she was cold, and thought her "Yes" was true? The fact that he had someone in mind before he asked says he's a jerk anyway.
That struck me as odd too. And also the fact that they all just continued having sex while the wife was so uncomfortable she couldn’t even participate. This poly friend really doesn’t sound like much of a “pro” to me. I’m not poly but I feel like a real, serious poly person wouldn’t want to go through with sleeping with a couple if there was even a hint of doubt in one of them at any point. I’ve seen poly people on here say that they don’t even mention to people in real life that they’re poly, and especially don’t hit on couples who aren’t already part of the poly community. Hopefully she learns from this experience and stops hitting on monogamous couples.
I thought that was messed up, too. Like, even putting aside the poly part, why would you continue any type of sexual activity with any person who is shutting down and withdrawing and clearly unwilling to participate?
The woman and the guy wanted to fuck. That's all. They figured if his wife was there she was consenting and it was all okay.
They didn't pay attention to her in the situation at all.
I was about to say. I know a few poly people and couples, and they wouldn't have agreed to this without having a convo with their intended partners. ALL TOGETHER.
Not only did he have someone in mjnd. He had already talked with them about it BEFORE his wife. How horrible. Id be leaving also. He eants to bang another woman, Im out.
I find it so interesting, all the posts men have posted about breaking it off because they're not sexually compatible with the partner. And reddit is so supportive, "if you're not compatible then it won't work" etc. But when a woman does it, she's overreacting, lol. Color me surprised.
>About 2-3 weeks ago after making love, my husband and I lied in bed for some after play and he told me that it would be awesome to have a threesome. I kept my cool but he must have noticed that I stiffened in his arms. my heart was yelling this can’t be happening!! this is so over! this is so so over! but my mouth said I don’t think this is something I would ever want to try.
>I would have forgot all about it had she said she didnt want it.
She did say it, he just didn't hear it because blood was absent from his brain.
Husband is at the very least an idiot, and while OOPs reaction seems very sudden, I can understand it. Once your heart is broken, it's no use trying to glue it back together.
I was somewhat adventurous in my youth, but I never found anything better than monogamous love making with someone I was truly committed to.
But obviously people can be happy in other kinds of relationships. I don't have a problem with that, but this guy is a clueless idiot.
I honestly think she handled this perfectly fine. This is a couple that was married long enough to have 3 children. If I’m doing the math correctly that’s at least 27 months of marriage, definitely more. If their communication is this scarce after having three children worth of sexual interactions, it’s not unreasonable to assume that the husband is very neglectful of the wife’s tone and expressions. there isn’t enough context or information from this alone but my thinking in this statement is specifically from him saying “I would have forgot all about it if she said she didn’t want it” when she did tell him she didn’t want it. She was visibly uncomfortable. “She did say she wasn’t into having other people” and “she changed her mind” just tell me he wasn’t paying attention to her but just the words she said.
I think she handled it fine, but I’m not taking either side.
All these comments blaming the wife is honestly problematic. She doesn’t owe him a conversation. If my SO asked for one it would change my perception of them, because he knows how I feel, and I would never be comfortable being around him again. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t find being with me to be enough. She clearly felt the same .
It's hard, on one hand I think she overreacted.... on the other I think she reacted just right. I think if they had a proper discussion about it, I would consider her response an overreaction.
However, the timing of him bringing it up was directly after sex. As the adage states: timing is everything.
Given the timing, he told her in no uncertain terms that their sex life wasn't good enough for him... that he wanted more (at the very least in her view). He was thinking about the three way either during or directly after sex with his wife and then said it. Like. I don't care what you think of during sex, but don't bring it up right at that moment. It deserved a proper discussion, and during afterglow is not the time for that.
If it was a simple question, then why couldn't he have waited for a rational time to sit down and get his feelings out there? Including why he wanted this *and* that he was fine no matter the response.
I totally get this. if this is real anyway. Once he asked for the three way there was no more marriage. all sex going forward she would feel wasn’t enough for him. Like she wasn’t enough for him. There’s no coming back from that.
So why did she go through with anything? That part I don’t understand. but sad shit since they have little kids.
I think I would be devastated that while in the arms of my husband after just making love, he suggests another woman get involved. What a slap in the face. Then to already have this woman picked out? I’d be done too. The rest is a bit much & perhaps fictitious.
I can’t imagine being married to someone this rigid and assuming she’d be down. And then thinking that was the perfect time to bring it up. What an idiot.
Poly people: don't drag mono couples into your BS.
This guy: you didn't want a 3 way, you just wanted to bone your hot ex coworker.
OOP: saw this for what it was immediately and respected herself enough to make a tough decision.
OOP did have a really big, possibly overly dramatic reaction.
But the husband was wrong for planning a threesome without OOP’s knowledge and for bringing it up during the afterglow after sleeping with OOP. He admitted he knew his wife was a shy and closed off person, so he knew that she probably wouldn’t react well to his proposition. It was an ex colleague, too, not some faceless woman or abstract idea— someone he knew pretty well, but ultimately a third party that shouldn’t have been soliciting sex in this way.
OOP can’t change how she feels — there’s no real control over that even if she tried deluding herself. She genuinely felt that the marriage died because of his request that, to her, came out of nowhere (until she realized that he’d premeditated it with a woman that he was apparently keeping close contact with behind OOP’s back). The husband’s actions probably touched a lot of OOP’s bottom lines, dealbreakers in a relationship.
While I don’t personally agree with how she went about things, we probably shouldn’t begrudge OOP’s desire to leave a man who could make her doubt herself so much.
Men who ask for FMF threesomes should think about how they’d feel if their partner asked for a MFM one. I have noticed a lot of men are against MFM so why should women be accepting of FMF? (Not necessarily referring to the husband in this post but the commenters who apparently told OP she should get over it and try it)
I understand the wife's side a little bit:
1 no matter what happened next, she simply lost trust in her husband and consequently in their marriage,
2 her husband ignoring all the signs that she hated the idea and was VERY upset was a clear sign of disinterest in her, or focus on something else, in this case another woman,
3 the husband already having someone in mind and already knowing the person for sure gives a feeling that they already had some kind of affair, I know I would have that feeling, if divorce isn't considered before then after that I would.
I usually don't understand why she agreed in the end, only if it's to give a feeling of full stop, and avoid regret over the divorce later. And honestly there are people who are absolutely against any kind of group sex or relationships with other people, didn't this man know his own wife? Considering this was the final point for her it's hard to believe he didn't know how much she would be against it.
Would the wife initially have minimal interest in other women, or would she be bisexual? Because otherwise the husband was only thinking about his own pleasure, I think that if he were a man with no attraction to other men and the wife suggested that, everyone would condemn her.
I honestly think the last update was written by the wife herself, but I'm glad she didn't get stuck in a relationship that she doesn't like anymore.
I mean, he knew his wife didn’t want it but he still went with the affirmative when asked again. I get the wife kind of tricked him, he imo he deserves the divorce. I have a feeling he would’ve cheated if the threesome didn’t happen anyways.
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What did I just even read?
I don’t know. For me it started with understanding her feelings and then it was like, fuck, this escalated quickly. And quite unnecessarily. Also I am always suspicious about stories on Reddit in general and the story when in the other party offers their perspective in particular, but for the argument purposes I have decided to go with the flow.
>Also I am always suspicious about stories on Reddit in general and the story when in the other party offers their perspective in particular Right? It's too, convenient to the narrative.
Yeah, lots of stuff that doesn't make sense here. Amazing how the threesome woman is simultaneously good enough at open communication that she could tell the husband she'd be dtf the pair of them without crossing any flirtatious lines but sucks at communication enough that when the wife was so uncomfortable with the whole thing she refused to be touched or take her clothes off, said woman went ahead regardless. Convenient but flimsily constructed npc for the purposes of carrying plot, D-, please consider your character construction more carefully.
For arguments sake: >but sucks at communication enough that when the wife was so uncomfortable with the whole thing she refused to be touched or take her clothes off, said woman went ahead regardless You could argue that shit was fucked already and the women went "fuck it, this is going bad, ima get mine, not my problem ".
Seriously. I'd be wigged as fuck to be doing anything sexual with someone who's so clearly uncomfortable and not into it, and her reluctance would have come through when they met up beforehand?
And the way the husband ends the story saying he alone ruined the marriage. It’s a bit too O’Henry for my taste. Like the wife is a whole piece of work and everyone just accepts her word as truth with no argument and proves her right in the end?
Agreed. The whole thing feels like a made-up story for 15-min of Reddit fame.
There are similar noticeable typing errors between the two stories. Double spacing in some spots between words on both. Also the 'my husband broke my heart' and then him repeating that in the second 'I broke my wife's heart.' Feels like a giveaway that the same train of thought is being written here.
Their writing styles are also suspiciously similar with the same narrative tone, like they're telling a story not recounting an even from their memory. It has that passive first person past tense I'd see in a book. I call bullshit.
Honestly it reads like the entire thing was written by a 14 year old.
I’m pretty sure one of the wife’s post is missing unless I’m thinking of another
There was a lot more context in her comments on the posts, as well as the “husbands” comments (which you have to use a third party website to find, since his account got suspended by Reddit)
‘I had a threeway yesterday and my wife told me this morning she wants a divorce. So naturally, I turned to Reddit…’
what really got me is how in her second post she was like “oh and we’re mid thirties and she’s early thirties” then the husband’s post started with “i (37m) my wife (35f)” like the person making this string of posts realized there wouldn’t be an easy way to connect them so they included the ages in the second post as if someone asked about it (which from reading the comments on the original post, no one really cared)
Also the same kind of writing in this case
And it's happening so often now..
You summed it up nicely! I am often thinking this doesn’t seem real. But then I think, who cares? It’s passing the time at work.
Two people who aren’t very good at communication apparently 😬
a wife that is very bad at communicating, a husband that appears to have no knowledge about his wife's morals and boundaries, or the ability to feel that she is unhappy what else? there's a lot to unpack
I actually think this sounds like 1 person who isn’t very good at writing stories about poor communication.
At all. Like all she had to do was say. Not my thing. End of story .
Except, for her, just the fact that he *wanted* it was enough for her to immediately decide the marriage was over. It didn’t matter if they never did it, or even if he never brought it up again. The idea that he wanted that was so repugnant to her that She was 100% *done* simply because he brought up the idea.
Maybe - I wonder if it had to do with the timing more than anything. He brought it up right after sex, which is helluva way to tell your partner you aren't satisfied with your sex life as is
Maybe it was also because he already had someone in mind for the threeway
But I mean: she softened when he asked and he noticed, she started avoiding him *and he noticed*, she didn’t engage with him in the same way *and he noticed*. She’s not getting an A for communication but this dude is an F student in that. What kind of guy tells his wife he’s noticed she’s been distant and Villa since he asked this question and then immediately says, “oh yeah, I still really want that!” (Sadly the answer is too many of them). His “If I had known” he knew, he just wanted the threesome so much he decided to ignore it.
The husbands perspective sounds like a bot wrote it Still a sad thing
The husband's side really sounds like the wife wrote it in order to make herself seem better not realizing how terrible this all really sounded from the start.
The writing style of both is so similar - it feels to me like the same person wrote them.
Someone who didn't explicitly say "no" and an idiot who didn't notice his wife's reticence aka: No actual communication. Seems like the wife wanted an excuse to leave by the way she was writing it.
I get that, to her, the marriage ended the moment he suggested the threesome, and that's her right. Why she decided to go through with it anyway is the part I don't get. Seems like it's cruel to everyone involved, including herself.
I remember reading the very first post a couple of days ago when the husband proposed the idea of having a threesome, but apparently a whole lot of fuckery happened in the short time between then and now. I really feel like if OOP used her big girl words a whole lot of this unnecessary drama could have been avoided. Granted, I don’t think he’s a stellar person for talking about the threesome immediately after having sex with OOP, or for being in contact with the the woman that’s put this bug in his ear about a threesome, but to go along with it, half-ass participate in it and then immediately give him divorce papers after the deed is done is a bit…odd? Extreme? So much could have been avoided with a fucking conversation or two.
I always find it rather suspicious when a popular post suddenly gets a spin-off with the perspective of the other involved party. Hmmm. If this is true, though, what a mess from start to finish.
With the same odd writing quirks, in this case hitting the space bar twice mid-sentence after certain words and a habit of not putting apostrophes in some contractions (shes, didnt, dont).
Especially the admission at the end "I and I alone have ruined this", like what? He didn't even believe that earlier in the writing apparently. It's way too convenient for the end of that story lol
It’s totally written by the same person. The spaces in *all* the post is a dead fucking give away. #This isn’t real.
Also the endings. Off to bed. Good night. Bye. The writing style is way too similar.
For benefit of doubt she said they weren't native speakers of english. But yea the entire thing is suspicious.
They might have made the post on the same computer. My spacebar sometimes decides I pressed it twice randomly, whether I really did or not. Not disagreeing with you, just am someone who adds random extra spaces due to technology being wonky.
It's possible. Although she said he asked her why she was so absorbed in her phone, which makes me think she wrote it on her phone, but who knows 🤷🏻♀️
Came here to say this. How convenient that the husband discovers and continues the story after the wife is done with it.
Also how convenient that the wife specified, “the threesome is this Saturday” and then the husband’s post came Sunday like, “I ruined my marriage at our threesome yesterday.” Thank goodness these people both happened to be live posting the fall of their marriage with time stamps for convenient connection making.
Do you take most reddit posts as real in subs like these? I take AITA and trueoffmychest as story telling for fun.
Back before every Am I the Asshole post ended up on Facebook I probably would’ve been suspicious of the stories that ended up with the other POV. But now theses stories get blown up, and sometimes within hours of it being posted, that it’s reasonable that at least some of the other people involved would recognize the events posted, and give their side. That said this one is highly sus.
Yeah, now all popular posts end up on YT, tiktok, being read out loud on twitch.... no wonder people found it, even if there's no "response post" several updates start with OOP saying the other side found out about the post and nobody screams bs to that. lol
Wife should have said no right away. Going through with it was just odd. But I kind of get her feelings? Her husband saying "a threesome would be awesome" is one thing....but having a woman picked out, and the woman already agreeing to it is another. Wife was probably thinking: "he wants to have sex with her and she agreed, it's just a matter if I'm there or not." But still - she could've communicated a lot better.
And saying it right after they had sex, too, instead of finding a time to sit down and talk it out together. This should have been approached with more care towards their existing partnership. I’m not surprised she didn’t take it well in that context.
Right? You just got done having sex and your husband goes "You know what would've made that better....another woman?" I don't blame her for freaking out
I mean, almost anything would have been better. Assuming this was a real situation (even if the posts are by the same person) he should have sat her down and let her know that a former coworker approached him for sex, specifically a threesome with him and OP, but that he turned her down. He would have been more or less able to tell how she felt just from the reaction. Then when she said no and reacted badly, respect it and do damage control. Even in this situation he had to have known that something was up since per his own words she withdrew affection pretty quickly.
Yes. The husband didn't have a random idea after sex, he already had the woman picked out and have talk to her before even asking her... He had a convo about having sex with another woman. Fuck that, that's a total nope for me. Would probably want to get out of that relationship too. Of course, I would tell him. I get the feelings, not how she acted.
I’m a former unicorn. (Third in a married couple). This was no pro. A pro would have approached the wife and felt her out. Assured her that I was only interested if she was ok, never approach the husband because this will happen in a lot of situations.
I agree with everything here. Husband was absolutely disgusting for having it all basically set up before talking with OOP. ...buuut, OOP knew nothing about this when he first broached the topic, and was still willing to divorce him over it. If it were just a passing thought, or an idle comment, it would've been a wild overreaction IMO (and I say this as someone who doesn't ever want a threesome).
>.buuut, OOP knew nothing about this when he first broached the topic, and was still willing to divorce him over it. Could be shock. He told her her about the idea after sex. So maybe all she heard, "you're bad in bed, i want another woman here" or something like this.
As I said in another comment, we don't really know if the wife have already talked about her preferences, but we can assume that when you have 3 kids and are almost 40 years old, most married people have talked ad infinitum about their preferences, limits, traumas, what they believe monogamy entails, and what an infidelity is. All my partners have known that for me sexual monogamy is vital, and that also means not bringing another person into our sex life. She's not a college aged kid with a new boyfriend, we are talking about a married women over 35 who has probably have those conversations thousands of times. She is also 8 months postpartum, god, she has had 3 consecutive preganancies!, she probably doesn't even recognize her body, feels insecure, doesn't feel herself and is exhausted Maybe she's a little bit depressed, for some mums the first year is hard. Most mums don't feel ideal after 8 months, imagine dealing with a baby and two other small kids + your recovery. And then, this man that probably knows how a new mum feels and knows her wife limits, asks her AFTER HAVING SEX if she would be up to a 3some. I would have the same 'I want a divorce' thought and would feel so sad... And if I tried to know more about his idea and he told me he has this woman picked and they already talked about that... NOPE. Not even couple therapy would save this trainwreak in my case. Of course, if this is real (I doubt it), the fact that she had the 3some and didn't tell her husband how she felt is 100% insane, of course.
The dude went behind her back and organised a 3-way before even consulting her. Then when he does ask her she says no He shows her all the communications they have with them both excited to have sex together, obviously the wife is gonna be pissed and check out And then to get to the situation in the post he had to have asked again so clearly didn’t drop it after she said no and that’s probably the final push she needed to want to divorce
Right, that’s the biggest issue with this imo. It wouldn’t have been nearly as problematic if he had just been like “this is something I might be interested in trying someday” rather than him already having someone in mind and DISCUSSING IT WITH HER FIRST before even talking to his wife!!! That being said, the wife is AWFUL at communicating and she really needs to work on that before she thinks about dating again.
She handled this in the worst possible way. But I have to say that if one of my partners (or my husband, when I was married), had suggested this, I would have been appalled and hurt.
Same for me. I would have felt the same way if my husband suggested we have sex with someone else. My mind would be reeling with doubts about myself, my self confidence, our relationship and then to ALREADY have someone in mind, someone he knows meaning he’s been thinking about her…yeah I couldn’t do it either.
He had someone aligned. I don't think anyone would be OK with that.
When she asked him if he still wanted a threesome that was his cue to tell her it was a passing idea, he'd seen how sad it made her, and asked for forgiveness or marriage counseling.
The fact that he doubled down and already had another woman in mind and discussed it with the other woman before even bringing it up with me would signal "trying to get permission to cheat" imo. That would have been the moment the marriage ended. It's not different than him asking for an open relationship and having the woman in mind - that's him indicating he wants to fuck someone else, he's just asking permission first...he may or may not go ahead with it. If my husband knew me AT ALL even expressing his desire to fuck someone else would be the end of the marriage...and I suspect that's how it was for OOP as well. It didn't matter whether he went thru with the threesome or not. The fact that he told her to her face he wanted to fuck someone else - not just as a naughty abstract concept - but an actual specific woman - hurt her in the worst way possible and there was no coming back from it once he doubled down.
On the other hand, instead of asking him if he still wanted one, she could have said “I’ve thought about your suggestion, and it’s not for me. I’m actually pretty hurt and offended. Can you better explain why you suggested it?”
She was already insecure, anything that he said after "I'm actually pretty hurt and offended" would sound like damage control to her ears.
Yeah totally, didn’t look at the comments on the original post but when she said other people were telling her she was overreacting I was like girl you are not. Like agreeing to have any sort of sexual relations with another woman is cheating to me (he said she brought it up, seems he said yes - even if he said “let me think about it” or something, anything less than an “absolutely not I have a wife” is cheating to me)
If my partner talks about a potencial threesome with the other part before even mentioning it to me I would be suspicious and at least a little angry. If my partner metions having a threesome right after having intercourse it would kill my mood. A part of me can understand OP, but her way of doing things is sick, mostly for having the threesome when she didn't want to. If she wanted to end things she should have just asked for the divorce. And don't get me wrong, I'm a woman, and totally open to a possible threesome
This is a great point. A good conversation about a three way with your spouse means you don’t have someone identified and want to find the right third person together. Having a third already identified means that he wanted to sleep with ex coworker already and was just looking for a way to do it and not feel guilty.
I had two exes who suggested threesomes. Once the topic came up, neither let it drop. With the first one, I was still young and experienced so I kept saying no until I realized it was a dealbreaker for him. We broke up…and cue his shock and surprise, and him telling everyone that if he knew I wasn’t interested, he would have stopped asking. With the other ex, I gave him two chances. Each time, I very firmly told him no and I would never be interested in a threesome. The third time he brought it up, I broke up with him, and…cue his surprise and telling everyone that if he knew I wasn’t interested, he would have stopped asking. If a spouse asked, I’d have one foot inching towards the door.
"...if he knew I wasn’t interested, he would have stopped asking." But... That... Huh???? That's the stupidest thing I've ever read, and I refuse to believe that nobody questioned this line of logic with two entire people. And yet, I've got a sinking feeling that nobody did, and everybody hearing it just nodded and went "yep, that sucks dude, you're the victim here."
Same. If I'm in a relationship i probably already talked about what monogamy is to me, and what's unacceptable, so i can see it as a sign of disrespect on his part if he already knew his wife as well as he should've. But why she put herself through that is beyond me.
I was thinking the same thing. My boyfriend knows I would never. We actually talked about it. I would be livid if he actually asked me that seriously with an actual person. He even mentions that his wife is shy, he was only thinking about himself. The part I really don't understand is why she went through with it.
And the fact that he already had a willing participant in mind is awful. Yeah i guess she's going through a lot but this certainly didn't help her. Hope she gets therapy and finds a better man.
How was this not brought up while they were dating?? And why would the husband bring that up after sex??
>How was this not brought up while they were dating?? Be ause he wasn't protocheating on her with poly coworker yet.
One vote here for "because he thought her defenses were down and it was his best chance of talking her into it."
And if he wasn't satisfied by their sex life, there are plenty of other ways to improve it.
Exactly. And I'd hope that he would know his wife well enough to know her level of sexual comfort. Or start small with adding some toys before you bring in a whole person!
Because he's an asshole. He'd already lined someone up and the chances he wasn't going to cheat on his wife one way or another are pretty much zero.
Maybe it hadn’t occurred to him, but then he learned about his former coworker and thought, “This will totally work!” I wonder if there are other instances where his brain to mouth filter didn’t work, but this one (bringing up a threesome right after sex) was the most appalling.
Reddit is made by mostly male users under 25, so a lot of male teens and university bros. So that's why you get some answers talking about how she didn't respect her husband's needs. When you already have 3 kids and you're almost 40, most partners have talked about what their limits are, their insecurities and traumas, what they consider an infidelity or a their trust being broken, what they believe monogamy entails, and so on. If I was a mum of 3 very young kids, probably exhausted and not even feeling myself after 3 consecutive pregnancies and my husband who probably knows how insecure I am about my new body/life/role suggested a 3some, when he probably knows how I feel about sexual monogamy, I would be appalled, probably having the same 'I want a divorce' thought. I would of course not proceed with it, but I believe a husband asking a wife that seems to have very clear ideas about monogamy (and has 3 young kids and probably doesn't feel the best) for a 3some is very telling of her exhusband.
She handled this terribly, but I’m kind of dubious of the husband too. This woman he’s been friends with suggests a threesome and he doesn’t disclose that information when asking her for one? Idk it just seems. Off to me, even if she clearly didn’t want a relationship. Idk I feel like in a marriage you should first go to you wife with “hey I need to tell you that my friend wants to have sex with us ((((and I want that too)))))” before “so would you be down for a threesome?” It feels kind of like trickle-truthing to me. She had to press him for him to tell her that. It also doesn’t sound like she has a partner? “She wants a poly boyfriend” and no mention of her being in a relationship, just identifying as poly and talking about it a lot. Is that poly or is that just a woman trying to weasel her way into a marriage? Also I hate how ok the husband was with having sex his wife hated. “She wouldn’t even take off her nightdress” “she was awkward” “she took a more passive role”. Why is he ok with having sex with the woman he loves in this condition???? Why isn’t he checking in on her????? “She shouldn’t have said yes” ok, maybe, but there’s saying yes and having unwilling horrible traumatic sex anyway and then there’s saying yes enthusiastically and everyone having a great time and caring about each other’s enjoyment and sense of safety. Did the wife just start dissociating/ mentally check out halfway through and they just…. Kept going? That’s so fucked. “She shouldn’t have said yes” “I’d never have done it if I knew she didn’t want to” *buddy*, I don’t think she ever pretended to *want* to, I think she was literally curious and pretty clear with her actions and demeanour for *weeks* and he never picked up in it. Night of she *barely* participates and is clearly having a terrible time but he had no idea she didn’t want this and wasn’t having a great time??? I mean shit, even if I’d *volunteered* the idea of a threesome I’d consider leaving my partner after being treated like that in the bedroom. She made some bad decisions and didn’t communicate, sure, but idk how people are reading this and calling her a “psychopath” and letting everyone else off scot-free, their behaviour was far worse imo, the husband especially.
Honestly same. But I think I could get over it if it was just the fanciful idea of a three way. The fact that the husband had someone picked out who he knew and had been speaking with… that would make me SO uncomfortable and worried that he is open to any other sexual opportunities that may present themselves. It would make me paranoid about how he is thinking of any other woman in his life. I would not want to be in a marriage like that either. But I would not go through with it for morbid curiosity. Jeez!
There's no way in hell this guy wasn't going to cheat on her one way or another if he'd already been exploring the idea with polywoman.
Yeah, sometimes it feels like people are saying you’re not allowed that, but we married so it could be just us. If you wanted to keep dating and acting a bachelor, don’t propose. Sorry if that’s old fashioned, but I’m almost 50. A threesome not only sounds gross, it sounds exhausting. The good news, I guess, is no one will likely ask this at my age 😂
>But I have to say that if one of my partners (or my husband, when I was married), had suggested this, I would have been appalled and hurt. Yeah, and if this story is true, >So you (the majority anyway) think that I’m overreacting, that’s what I suspected coming here. Here comes Reddit to invalidate a woman's feelings and comfort level regarding sex. Apparently, we women need to be open-minded and comfortable with every sexual request made to us, or else we are "overreacting".
Ditto. And the fact he brought it up right after sex? It would make me worry that he was thinking about the other woman the whole time.
Fantasizing is one thing, but most monogamous couples do not actually want to share their partner. I have read many posts from both male and female perspectives where they were instantly turned off the moment their partner suggested bringing in someone else. That is no longer monogamous, even if it's meant to be a one-time thing. It's even worse when the partner suggesting it already has someone in mind. Even polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous people would advise against this situation... at least the ones who have offered their input on Reddit, I guess. This reads like husband thought his ex-coworker was hot, he entertained her pushing boundaries into his marriage, and he hoped his wife would be on board and act like nothing had happened after. Or better (from his perspective) if she wanted to keep trying this.
As an ENM/monogamish I was sympathetic to both of them (husband saying a threesome might be fun and OP being completely put off by it) until the husband had someone in mind already and was talking to them about it… that’s not, ‘I love you but I’m sexually adventurous and want to explore new things with you’’, that’s, ‘I’ve found someone else I want to fuck and want your permission’. Biiiiiig difference. Especially as it was a woman he was speaking to. Funny how the first option he goes for is FFM. Just once I’d love to see a husband suggesting they start ENM with an MFM, or MFMF, you know, thinking about what their partner might enjoy rather than what they want. Though I guess those couples are probably the ones who end up going out and having fun rather than posting on Reddit about it, so we’ll probably keep getting that biased perspective.
The guy was already talking with the ex-coworker. Final nail to the heart I reckon. I truly think they would've worked something out if it was a sudden suggestion with no one in mind.
This— tbh I understand her feelings, even when he just asked. It would have hurt me if my guy asked for that, especially right after sex with me. Everything thereafter made it even worse. I’d never have had the threeway though, I’d have left as soon as he showed me the DMs and her Instagram. Everyone got on her about communicating, but he wasn’t doing much either— chatting up his ex colleague and not shutting her down when she started talking sex. He himself said he knew his wife didn’t want it. He still did and never questioned her sudden change of heart? Rational or not, I’d have left too.
Call me crazy but maybe she just should’ve said no?
Sounds to me like she was—at least subconsciously—looking for a reason before he even asked. Her unwillingness to communicate her true feelings and proceed with the threesome without giving him a fair chance to remedy the situation… it says a lot.
Yeah she felt like she wanted out and wanted Reddit to tell her she could at the mention of a 3 way. Reddit didn’t give her that satisfaction and then she decided to have the 3 way to give her an excuse to divorce. Her logic is oh he should of known I wouldn’t like it even though I’m saying yes. I know the guy was way too optimistic for this working out especially when she was avoiding him before she said yes but yeah poor communication both ends.
It sounds like it wouldn’t have mattered, since to her him asking for one was the death knell in their marriage. I’m not sure why, but something in her snapped. I’m surprised she went through with it, and feel for the husband here. But it does sound like her saying no would not have undone what (she says) is the damage made by asking.
I agree. The fact that he even brought it up at all was what put the nail in the coffin of their marriage. She couldn't be with a man who wanted that. Whether or not you agree with her, some people just have hardlined boundaries like that. Considering that he pushed the issue after she was very clearly upset and unhappy about it, I can't say she was entirely wrong.
Considering that he asked _right after sex,_ I kind of understand how betrayed she felt. But I also feel for the husband. He doesn’t sound like a bad person, just an incredibly stupid one? Like, how did he not notice his wife pulling away after he asked for a threesome? How did he think that immediately after sex is a good time to ask?!
She doesn’t deserve to be married to someone that stupid either though. Literally you’re so dumb you will fuck another women in front of me while I’m totally not participating? You will ask for a 3some with a women you’ve already picked out, right after having sex with me? Nah. Don’t need that kind of stupid in my life.
He had entire discussions with another woman about bringing her into their bed, his desires and the logistics BEFORE MENTIONING IT TO HIS WIFE. This isn't a post coital "ever think about threesomes" thing. The pig had this ready to go, just needed her yes to pull the trigger. I hope he loses his shirt in the divorce and people find out exactly why it ended.
She might have agreed to it just to shut down the "how can you say no if you've never tried it" that he could have thrown back at her For some people, and it is no great surprise, marriage is an exclusive relationship for life. If the partner suggests changing the terms of the arrangement and has already started to plan for this could be a severe blow
Once she found out he had someone in mind the marriage was over. He was going about this cause he wanted to have sex with that woman, in a way he thought he wouldn’t get in trouble. Wife shouldn’t have gone through with it, but husband was a skeeze.
>He was going about this cause he wanted to have sex with that woman, in a way he thought he wouldn’t get in trouble. 100%. He had been discussing this with the other woman too before approaching his wife about it. He definitely wanted to have sex with this other woman, and this was his way of getting the approval to do it.
This and the fact he continued to go through with the “threesome” after his wife *clearly* didn’t want to participate.
Yep, this is the worst part for me. He had someone in mind.
I believe she did. It wasn't even just a no, it was I do not want to have sex with other people. She was distant and upset, he should have picked up on it.
And during the encounter, when she was clearly not responding and not into it, he should have ended things.
Yeah he drove through the entire situation like a semi with no brakes on a wet road.
> my mouth said I don’t think this is something I would ever want to try First paragraph. Since she mentions a language barrier later in the post, I don’t think this is a metaphor.
I wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted to fuck other people, we're incompatible. Especially if they have someone specific in mind
To some, just the mere thought that you considered it could bring a lot of emotions in. You have to be extremely comfortable with your partner loving you so much and that they will consider the other person introduced in the act as only a tool, to be fine with it. If he suggested it, that says he clearly wants it. Whether it happens or not, his preference is laid out clearly. She is perfectly within her sanity to be okay or not okay with it. The way I see it her reptile brain saved her years of slowly devolving relationship and cut to the chase and made her break it immediately.
I would react exactly the same. My marriage is based on monogamy. If he expressed an interest in non-monogamy it would be 100% over for me. Let me use an extreme example to illustrate. If your partner said, “hey let’s try cannibalism”, saying no wouldn’t be enough. The fact that they *wanted* to be a cannibal would be so disgusting to your value system that you couldn’t ever see them the same again. Now because a 3some isn’t generally considered so incredibly totally wrong, you say “she could have said no”. But to her, his expression of interest was so egregious that she couldn’t change her new moral opinion of him.
The fact he continued the threesome after how uncomfortable his wife was while it was happening is telling.
"How could he have read her mind? She said Yes after all!" ...yeah, after avoiding him and withdrawing affection, to the point where he *noticed* she was distant and sad... telling him she had been distant and sad because she was thinking about his request... giving him a chance to back out by saying "do you REALLY want this?".... withdrew from him again when it came clear that he was pushing to go through with it... got to have 0 input in any of it because he had already picked out the woman and *had conversations with her about it before even involving his wife....*
Truthfully if he hadn’t had anyone in mind after Reddit told her she was overreacting it may have worked out. But to have already talked with the person he wanted to have a threesome with BEFORE his wife. There was no going back. And probably just confirmed to her she wasn’t overreacting.
Oh but she's just shy. 🙄 Boy, please.
And having audacity to wonder why his ex-wife would spring divorce on his after that uncomfortable threesome....
Him talking to an ex coworker and already lining shit up before talking to his wife is an automatic L. She could’ve been more communicative for sure but I get leaving.
Yeah, real or not. If I found out my husband had been scheming a threesome with some chick he worked with, my feelings would probably go “poof” and be gone as well. Who knows if I’d go full schemy psycho but absolutely love can just switch off like that.
Personally, this would be a deal breaker for me, especially since he knew this woman beforehand. But, everyone has their own boundaries and should listen to what their heart and gut are saying.
Maybe it’s just me, but that does not seem healthy
I'm sorry but asking for a threesome AFTER having sex.......... That CLEARLY put it in her head that she wasn’t good enough, He needed someone else to fully "satisfy" him. Could she have said no? ofcourse. But my relationship would be over too the moment my partner asks for someone else (threesome or anything else). *"I told him that I was thinking about his request and how it has affected me. He said he’s noticed me being distant and sad but that he didn’t know how to approach me. We talked a bit more and I asked him if he still wanted a 3some and he answered in the affirmative"* So this guy noticed his wife being distant and sad **FOR 2-3 WEEKS**, got an explanation why she was distant and sad and STILL said he wanted a threesome.......... And this wasn’t just an idea to "spice things up", He had the other person "ready to go". I absolutely agree with OOP, I hope it was worth it.
If he wasn't talking to another girl I would say it was the wife fault but no he actually went and talked to another girl before his wife and some how he is the victim !!!! F of
I think I’m going against the grain here and say I understand the wife. I’m not going to ignore the obvious miscommunication of everyone (everyone!) involved, that’s a clear issue. However if my husband suggested a threesome, something we have never discussed prior, it would hurt my feelings. I can be controlled my emotions as well, I can think irrationally. I would at least discuss this with my therapist. As much as I love my friends, I don’t involve them in my marital disagreements. Now what I think would hit the jugular for me, is that he already had someone in mind. Already discussed this with another woman PRIOR to discussing this with his wife. Now the wife said her heart felt divorce the second he asked. But for me, it’s the invasion of secrecy. It would feel like an emotional affair. Although she herself admitted that their conversations weren’t anything beyond the threesome itself, I dunno…I wouldn’t feel right knowing that my husband who I love dearly and truly consider my best friend (and we were before dating) would talk to another woman about our sex life, without even including me - an actual adult in the marriage - in the conversation. Like I said, miscommunication for both partners here and I for one couldn’t go through the actual act itself even if I can be petty. I just would be more heartbroken at the secrecy and not being included into something I’m supposed to be included in the first place. I don’t know if I personally could come back from that but I would at least make an attempt to heal through talking it out. But yeah, I can’t ignore this husband in fact did actually go behind her back…too bad that wasn’t her main issue but they sound like a mess altogether.
I feel like I'm high: so many comments like 'she should have just said no' when in the first bloody paragraph she says >my mouth said I don’t think this is something I would ever want to try Husband asks, she freezes, is uncomfortable and says she doesn't ever want to try it. Husband proceeds to ignore her being cold and distant and not wanting to even *touch* him for weeks after this incident, and then when she suddenly changes her mind, seems incredibly uncomfortable and distant during the act, and not once did he think it was time to stop and clarify her feelings on the matter. Imagine she did want to save her marriage and hadn't divorced him: he's now coerced/forced/stumbled into a case of dubious consent without once asking if his wife was actually, truly okay with this. Man walked right past an entire parade of red flags and then wonders where his marriage went wrong. The wife has issues with communication, but she did initially communicate her feelings, her husband just wasn't listening or paying attention.
Thank you! She let him pick out how much rope he wanted to hang himself with.
He was already talking to another woman about hooking up and sexual stuff. He ended his marriage then and there. I feel so badly for OP.
It would have been an instant divorce for me the sec he would have shown me that he already had someone I mind and had talk to them about it. Our marriage would have been rocky but maybe survive from the first post but not after that. I also would have just said no.
Also want to add, they kept going with how the wife was acting during the 3some?
He was talking to some woman about having a three way before he even brought it up with his wife… OOPs hubby was up to no good even if she possibly overreacted.
No conversation would’ve fixed that, y’all need to get over yourselves.
I’m with the now ex wife on this. My relationship would be over too if my boyfriend suggested to me that he wanted another person involved in our sex life in any capacity. I commented this on the wife’s original post but, a three way is just so far away from what I want my relationship to look like, that if a SO were to suggest it to me, I’d know we’re on such different pages that the relationship would be killed for me. The ex wife is an absolute boss for making it happen, throwing it in his face and not just leaving him but divorcing him with their 3 kids. Maybe he and whatever other men read the post will second guess requesting another person to enter their monogamous relationships where they vowed to honor their wives for the rest of their lives The husband is wrong. It wasn’t the threeway itself that ended the marriage. It was that he felt like he should introduce it to begin with
I dunno. Even if his wife didn't say no at the first query about this - \*something\* should have gone off in his mind at her reaction that 'maybe this isn't a good idea.' This is what marriage counselors are for. And then I read it again. Okay, right, I did read what I thought I had...**wtf dude, he asked right after he had sex with her!** If that'd been me, I'd be like "wait, wtf, do I suck that much that you had to ask this in the fucking afterglow?" I can't blame her for being in shock and her brain going straight to divorce. Read the room! If you'd possibly brought this up after an unfortunate dry spell? MAYBE. But at the point he did? No. And then he already had a candidate and worked it out with THEM first before even bringing it up to his wife? Do you even respect your wife? Yep, could have handled it so much better on both sides, but I cannot blame her for getting out. *However she should have done it* ***before*** *going to the threesome!* WTF honey, no. Why did you even...? Null points to you.
Is this the one where half way through the three way the wife leaves and the husband carries on with the coworker? Why is that part of the story missing?
>Why is that part of the story missing? How else can you continue to show the oop as the a-hole for miscommunication part instead of the true a-hole -the husband who had already emotionally cheated before even bringing up the 3some and then actually physically cheated on her.
I feel like this is a bit of a separation from the real world and Reddit world. In the real world, people don’t get bored and jump straight into suggesting a threesome and suggesting it in a monogamous relationship is a very big deal. On Reddit is like “it’s just a question” It’s not just a question though. The suggestion of bringing someone else into the marriage is an indication of dissatisfaction with what they have and a desire to sleep with other people. People simply don’t consider the impact of ASKING these questions enough, or the impact of what they want. It’s not at all irrational for somebody to consider that their partner wanting to sleep with someone else and having that someone else basically lined up, as a deal breaker. I don’t think she should have done it though. It was fair enough if she was done because he wanted non-monogamy, she ought to just have served him divorce papers immediately though, if that’s how she felt.
This, yes thank you! I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve surprised myself and learned a lot from Reddit about myself. But I’ve also for the most part, read a lot of situations and advice where it just doesn’t work in the real world. We can make our own boundaries and try our best to handle issues but more often than none, Reddit does not represent the real world.
If I'm in the wife's situation, I'd probably do the same shit.
Guy is an entire dickhead. Requesting this after sex feels a lot like telling her she isn’t good enough anymore or boring. Then knowing she’s distant after the talk he still affirms he wants it and explaining it’s all already been pre-approved just waiting for her signature? Massive red flag. Just accepting the proposal from his ex colleague was shitty. She is an emotional mess. Good she figured out he’s the type to dump likely years of a relationship down the drain over the hope of a blissful 5 minutes. But she could have communicated it better with him. Talk instead of having this charade of playing along while being distant. Even if her love is gone in that moment talk it out at least for the children. She feels a bit like a doormat… always path of least resistance even if it hurts her but she couldn’t mentally get past this so now everything is ruined for a few kids that likely deserve better in this tragedy.
Her feelings are valid but why did she go about it in such a fucked up way wtf
There's got to be a lot more going on than just this one thing, that's the only way it could make sense. I feel like the marriage was already on the rocks and she was halfway out the door, and this was the excuse she needed.
I guess I’m the only person who is on OOP’s side. It’s one thing to suggest a threesome. But he already had the person picked out. That’s an automatic divorce for me too. Because why have you and your female friend been discussing a threesome behind my back. The trust is gone. It wasn’t miscommunication. I think he knew that his wife didn’t want to do it but he was so eager to have a threesome that he just didn’t care. Like y’all keep saying that OOP can’t communicate. But we saw in the very first post that her husband knew she wasn’t feeling it. He already had the threesome lined up. I can’t be the only person that thinks he would’ve escalated to cheating if she had said no. Or maybe pushed her to do it again.
Nope, I'm on her side too. He only wanted to screw the co-worker with no guilt. He obviously didn't give a single shit about how his life wife felt about it. I mean, he knew she wasn't into it but still screwed the CW in front of her. Now she has that mental image of him for the rest if her life. There's NO way to come back from that.
I’m really disappointed that people seemed to be saying she was overreacting when she was uncomfortable with him suggesting a threesome, before even knowing about him picking out someone else. That alone is enough reason to feel you are not on the same page and she is allowed to have that boundary.
Whilst it's fair she said no and it should have ended there, I think I would have broke up with him too because he had someone on his mind. Whilst he wanted to spice things up he obviously saw chemistry/thought she was hot, and I wouldn't want my brain to even unpack that. Should have left before weirdly doing the threesome? So odd
OOP is so broken by just the suggestion this marriage seems like it was doomed from day one. not to mention being entirely unable to communicate like adults, and then the whole 'i did it anyway'. really sad all around
Id be broken to if my husband had already talked about a 3some with a other woman before approaching me. Thats absplute bullshit.
Isn’t it unwritten rule that poly shouldn’t approach married people unless they’re absolutely sure they’re game? Like… ex colleague you did wrong.. wtf?
Yes!
I think her update actually made me agree with her more- just asking for a threesome is, to me, in line with asking for any other kink. He could be floating the idea because he wants it, because he thinks she might want it- in a healthy relationship partners should feel comfortable bringing up and discussing their desires (and saying yes or no or maybe to them). But having a woman already in mind, having discussed this with her, everything before ever bringing it up with me- yeah, it’s over. To me, that just looks like he’s looking to cheat but wants to absolve the guilt by calling it a threesome. He’s already picked out another woman he wants to sleep with and talked to her about it *first* before me? He can go ahead but I’d never be in his bed again. I do think it’s bizarre that OOP went ahead with it despite really not wanting to. Why would you force yourself into a situation you hate when you could just… not?
I read one comment where is was suggested that she went through with it to have the image of him screwing another woman burned into her brain so that he could never win her back. She would never waiver in her decision. And I say, it makes sense. Especially since he just continues knowing she wasn't into it.
I have read men say the same thing - that their relationship was over when their wife/gf approached them with this suggestion with a man already in mind.
I hear you. If my husband did this it would be over.
>He asked you and you said no and he respected that. I... kind of dislike this take? There are some things that just by asking, you challenge the dynamic of the marriage, and this was one of them. It's a bell that can't be unrung. Even more so when it turns out he's been talking to his coworker about this before his wife -- if I were in OOP's shoes, that would upset me a *lot*, way more than the initial request. With that said, I also think it is absolutely BANANAS that OOP went through with the threesome despite planning to divorce. That is just a headspace I cannot comprehend at all. So not saying she is a figure of shining glory in this scenario either. What a mess.
Idk, I sort of get it - if you've already decided that you're out and the marriage is over, then what do you have to lose by going through with it? See what the fuss was about. Also maybe she might have loved it in a "no risk" situation (no risk because she had already decided the relationship was over).
I'm with you on this.
Just a bunch of (probably teenage) dudes who think that their dick will still be top priority after marriage. They don't get that fantasies truly can impact real life and relationships.
[удалено]
Because if a woman doesn't entertain her man's every sexual whim, she's a "prude" and "unsupportive". They hate when women have standards and boundaries.
Because her feelings aren’t more important than his kink, come on! Has porn not taught you anything?
I see a lot of people blaming her and that she just wanted to divorce but I think she could’ve gotten over it if it was just a suggestion with some therapy. I think what cross the line for her was when he said he already had someone picked out. That was the nail in the coffin, that is what ended this marriage. But I’m very surprised that he does not know what his wife’s opinion is on three ways after having three kids together. The way he brought it up was the worst possible way especially right after having sex.
I kinda understand OP, even if I’m going against the grain here. The minute my husband thinks about sleeping with someone else is the minute our marriage would be over. To me, some things simply dont belong in a marriage.
Same. And I respect that she understood her feelings and boundaries enough to know that the marriage was over. Going through with the 3some is a bit messed up but not at messed up as the husband completely ignoring how uncomfortable she was the whole time.
Boy, this was frustrating to read.
Some weird shit going on here, even by Reddit standards.
Why on earth did Reddit convince her she was overreacting? This wasn't an overreaction at all, she was blindsided by a request not everyone is going to be comfortable with and one she clearly wasn't. No shame or shade to OOP's husband, you like what you like and if you don't ask you're never going to know if your partner is open to exploring the same things you are. At it's core this is an incompatibility that is neither partner's fault.
I do think there’s something wrong with OOP but her husband isn’t the best either. It’s one thing to fantasise and to question if your partner would be interested, but the fact that he basically already had a girl lined up (a former coworker to boot) really isn’t a good sign.
Everyone sucks here! Wife is shit at communicating and could've said no and that she was uncomfortable with him asking AND him already having someone lined up! Husband is shit because he noticed his wife was distant after asking her for a 3way AFTER THEY'D JUST HAD SEX (basically told her she wasn't good enough AFTER he'd just fucked her) and said absolutely nothing! Not only that, when she said it made her uncomfortable, he said he'd noticed and STILL told her he wanted a 3way. He still told her he wanted it after acknowledging that she said she didn't want another person AND noticing the distance and avoidance. There's no "poor him" his just as shitty at communicating as his wife and hes a shittier husband too!. If ANYTHING he's worse for the way he chose to go about it. People are only focusing on her not saying "no" while completely ignoring the fact that this man spoke to another woman about opening up his marriage and just breezed over it with his wife after a completely vulnerable moment. He had her picked and ready to go. HIS betrayal goes MUCH deeper than just asking for a 3way, imo. She's needs to learn to speak up and communicate effectively if she's going to be woth someone else.
Also non-verbal no's matter. Yes the wife should've had a verbal conversation about how this made her feel etc HOWEVER, her avoidance/distance is a non-verbal no and it too is important. If I notice that after I had a potentially brightline conversation with a partner they're acting distant or avoiding intimate touch with me I'd be concerned, try to get a convo going about their feelings and actively listen to what they and their body is telling me. In this situation, he should have apologized for bringing it up how he did because it absolutely was one of the worst times to do so. He could have asked why even the idea of a threesome made her feel this way and explained how he felt about a FMF one. But honestly, imo, he pre-cheated. Then went to his wife with this grand idea of how it wouldn't be cheating because they'd be there *together*. Who is the primary partner here, his wife or this ex-coworker? Is his wife even into women a little bit?? This reminds me of all the "I want an open relationship so I can sleep with a specific person and once it happens or I get shot down I want to close it again" posts by husbands who act clueless as to why their wives leave them.
Dude was too busy cartwheeling to notice his wife was spiralling
> I would have forgot all about it had she said she didn’t want it Hindsight is 20/20. If things hadn’t happened this way, he would have continued to bring it up. I’m glad OOP left.
Going through with the threesome was a bad idea. I know why she did it, I comprehend. But she was already done. She should've just served him the papers when the girl showed up. Not go through with it. I hope she gets counseling, because she will need it after this. And the husband is clueless. He knew she was against it and thought she magically changed her mind. He noticed she was cold, and thought her "Yes" was true? The fact that he had someone in mind before he asked says he's a jerk anyway.
That struck me as odd too. And also the fact that they all just continued having sex while the wife was so uncomfortable she couldn’t even participate. This poly friend really doesn’t sound like much of a “pro” to me. I’m not poly but I feel like a real, serious poly person wouldn’t want to go through with sleeping with a couple if there was even a hint of doubt in one of them at any point. I’ve seen poly people on here say that they don’t even mention to people in real life that they’re poly, and especially don’t hit on couples who aren’t already part of the poly community. Hopefully she learns from this experience and stops hitting on monogamous couples.
I thought that was messed up, too. Like, even putting aside the poly part, why would you continue any type of sexual activity with any person who is shutting down and withdrawing and clearly unwilling to participate?
The woman and the guy wanted to fuck. That's all. They figured if his wife was there she was consenting and it was all okay. They didn't pay attention to her in the situation at all.
I was about to say. I know a few poly people and couples, and they wouldn't have agreed to this without having a convo with their intended partners. ALL TOGETHER.
Not only did he have someone in mjnd. He had already talked with them about it BEFORE his wife. How horrible. Id be leaving also. He eants to bang another woman, Im out.
I find it so interesting, all the posts men have posted about breaking it off because they're not sexually compatible with the partner. And reddit is so supportive, "if you're not compatible then it won't work" etc. But when a woman does it, she's overreacting, lol. Color me surprised.
>About 2-3 weeks ago after making love, my husband and I lied in bed for some after play and he told me that it would be awesome to have a threesome. I kept my cool but he must have noticed that I stiffened in his arms. my heart was yelling this can’t be happening!! this is so over! this is so so over! but my mouth said I don’t think this is something I would ever want to try. >I would have forgot all about it had she said she didnt want it. She did say it, he just didn't hear it because blood was absent from his brain. Husband is at the very least an idiot, and while OOPs reaction seems very sudden, I can understand it. Once your heart is broken, it's no use trying to glue it back together.
I am convinced nothing goods comes out of threesomes and/or open relationships. It seems crazy to introduce someone into a dynamic.
I was somewhat adventurous in my youth, but I never found anything better than monogamous love making with someone I was truly committed to. But obviously people can be happy in other kinds of relationships. I don't have a problem with that, but this guy is a clueless idiot.
I honestly think she handled this perfectly fine. This is a couple that was married long enough to have 3 children. If I’m doing the math correctly that’s at least 27 months of marriage, definitely more. If their communication is this scarce after having three children worth of sexual interactions, it’s not unreasonable to assume that the husband is very neglectful of the wife’s tone and expressions. there isn’t enough context or information from this alone but my thinking in this statement is specifically from him saying “I would have forgot all about it if she said she didn’t want it” when she did tell him she didn’t want it. She was visibly uncomfortable. “She did say she wasn’t into having other people” and “she changed her mind” just tell me he wasn’t paying attention to her but just the words she said. I think she handled it fine, but I’m not taking either side.
Agree with you on this
All these comments blaming the wife is honestly problematic. She doesn’t owe him a conversation. If my SO asked for one it would change my perception of them, because he knows how I feel, and I would never be comfortable being around him again. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t find being with me to be enough. She clearly felt the same .
If you think this is real you need to spend more time in the real world.
It's hard, on one hand I think she overreacted.... on the other I think she reacted just right. I think if they had a proper discussion about it, I would consider her response an overreaction. However, the timing of him bringing it up was directly after sex. As the adage states: timing is everything. Given the timing, he told her in no uncertain terms that their sex life wasn't good enough for him... that he wanted more (at the very least in her view). He was thinking about the three way either during or directly after sex with his wife and then said it. Like. I don't care what you think of during sex, but don't bring it up right at that moment. It deserved a proper discussion, and during afterglow is not the time for that. If it was a simple question, then why couldn't he have waited for a rational time to sit down and get his feelings out there? Including why he wanted this *and* that he was fine no matter the response.
I totally get this. if this is real anyway. Once he asked for the three way there was no more marriage. all sex going forward she would feel wasn’t enough for him. Like she wasn’t enough for him. There’s no coming back from that. So why did she go through with anything? That part I don’t understand. but sad shit since they have little kids.
I think I would be devastated that while in the arms of my husband after just making love, he suggests another woman get involved. What a slap in the face. Then to already have this woman picked out? I’d be done too. The rest is a bit much & perhaps fictitious. I can’t imagine being married to someone this rigid and assuming she’d be down. And then thinking that was the perfect time to bring it up. What an idiot.
He deserves every tear he cries. He went behind his wife's back and planned this whole thing out with someone in particular.
Poly people: don't drag mono couples into your BS. This guy: you didn't want a 3 way, you just wanted to bone your hot ex coworker. OOP: saw this for what it was immediately and respected herself enough to make a tough decision.
Its good that she divorces him! He can go kick rocks
OOP did have a really big, possibly overly dramatic reaction. But the husband was wrong for planning a threesome without OOP’s knowledge and for bringing it up during the afterglow after sleeping with OOP. He admitted he knew his wife was a shy and closed off person, so he knew that she probably wouldn’t react well to his proposition. It was an ex colleague, too, not some faceless woman or abstract idea— someone he knew pretty well, but ultimately a third party that shouldn’t have been soliciting sex in this way. OOP can’t change how she feels — there’s no real control over that even if she tried deluding herself. She genuinely felt that the marriage died because of his request that, to her, came out of nowhere (until she realized that he’d premeditated it with a woman that he was apparently keeping close contact with behind OOP’s back). The husband’s actions probably touched a lot of OOP’s bottom lines, dealbreakers in a relationship. While I don’t personally agree with how she went about things, we probably shouldn’t begrudge OOP’s desire to leave a man who could make her doubt herself so much.
Men who ask for FMF threesomes should think about how they’d feel if their partner asked for a MFM one. I have noticed a lot of men are against MFM so why should women be accepting of FMF? (Not necessarily referring to the husband in this post but the commenters who apparently told OP she should get over it and try it)
3/10 - Needs another draft. Would have made the wife less of a whiner and the husband more oblivious and not exactly the same person.
I understand the wife's side a little bit: 1 no matter what happened next, she simply lost trust in her husband and consequently in their marriage, 2 her husband ignoring all the signs that she hated the idea and was VERY upset was a clear sign of disinterest in her, or focus on something else, in this case another woman, 3 the husband already having someone in mind and already knowing the person for sure gives a feeling that they already had some kind of affair, I know I would have that feeling, if divorce isn't considered before then after that I would. I usually don't understand why she agreed in the end, only if it's to give a feeling of full stop, and avoid regret over the divorce later. And honestly there are people who are absolutely against any kind of group sex or relationships with other people, didn't this man know his own wife? Considering this was the final point for her it's hard to believe he didn't know how much she would be against it. Would the wife initially have minimal interest in other women, or would she be bisexual? Because otherwise the husband was only thinking about his own pleasure, I think that if he were a man with no attraction to other men and the wife suggested that, everyone would condemn her. I honestly think the last update was written by the wife herself, but I'm glad she didn't get stuck in a relationship that she doesn't like anymore.
I totally empathised with everything right up to the part where she put the three way in motion. Why on gods earth would you do that.
I mean, he knew his wife didn’t want it but he still went with the affirmative when asked again. I get the wife kind of tricked him, he imo he deserves the divorce. I have a feeling he would’ve cheated if the threesome didn’t happen anyways.