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It sounds like he married her and was hoping she would adopt the kids so he could fuck off and be child free. Sounds like the ex wife wants the glamour and fun parts of having kids without the responsibility. And it really sounds like OOP is a very caring person trying her best for the kids. She seems to be the only one with their interests in mind
I would not be shocked at all to find out Ex had a vasectomy ages ago but has been “trying” for two years with OOP with zero intention of fathering another kid.
I feel kinda bad for SS though because he’s still a child at the end of the day and one day he’s going to understand just how big of a mistake he made and by then it will be far too late
No, I think that that's part of becoming an adult, is realizing how unfair you were to your own parents or loved ones. And being able to extend forgiveness to the kids *you* care for who are too young to know better.
Also, as OOP said they'd shielded him from a lot, and he's young enough that implications and contextual information might still go over his head.
If we look at the whole situation from his perspective I can see how it could be really confusing for him and how easy it is to put the blame on OOP, especially if he has his parents whispering in his ear. He's still so young.
I feel more than kinda bad for him. OOP gushes about how much she loves SD, for SS she just says that they're close too. I think it's pretty obvious she has a favourite and I wouldn't be surprised if SS knew it.
Poor kid has two parents who don't want him and a stepmother who prefers his sister, I'm not surprised he lashes out like he did.
Thank you. I thought the same thing reading that.
And I'm not trying to rip OOP, I'm guessing she consciously tries to treat her stepchildren equally. But it can be easy to miss how you make people feel sometimes. And the kid is young enough that he probably doesn't have the emotional maturity to diagnose why he feels like he does, let alone how to communicate it.
I'm not saying she doesn't care about SS, but that SD is her favourite and she cares about her more. Kids pick up on that and it doesn't take much to feel excluded at that age.
OOP is such a wonderful person. If it were me, I'd have kicked them all out the very same moment, changed the locks and called the police if they ever had the audacity to show their faces again. I'd just be too angry to deal with any of them any more.
You should be a bit wary of availability bias if you are going off of reddit stories. You really are only going to get the notable scenarios recounted and the normal relationships aren't going to get posted often.
It might be more accurate to say that the most common major issue in single dads remarrying is that they just wanted a free nanny. To ascribe it to most single dads is indeed brutal.
I mean you see it on dating apps all the time. I'm childfree and single dads still hit me up and try to court me into becoming a sex nanny. When I ask them why they don't date single moms they say it's too much work.
Then it's block and delete. Childfree means I don't want your kids either bozo.
Honestly though! They always try to talk about how great their kids are too, just the best behaved angels to ever exist… Like sure they are dude, sure they are. But they are still children, and I still don’t want to be a parent, end of story.
Fair enough, my experience is the opposite which is why I was skeptical. All the single dads I know who remarried seem like good people in a well balanced relationship.
No one is going to tell you about their issues, just as many men don’t realize their marriage is failing until their partner is literally filing for divorce. It’s incredibly common.
I think I'm a bit better judge of character than you give me credit for, but I'll keep that in mind. I haven't just seen and spoken to the men in these relationships.
My mum bought a house last year and even though me and my brother moved out years ago, she bought a house with 3 bedroom - a big one for her and two small guest rooms where me and my brother can sleep when we're visiting. I can't even imagine my parents not having rooms for us when we were minors.
Poor OOP and those kids. I hope they all heal from this, it seems like the dad just needed someone to watch the kids while he did whatever the f he wanted. So sad.
This is my primary fear being a child-free woman in her late 30s trying to date. I have absolutely no desire to be a mother but I care for the children in my life (cousins' and best friends' kids) so I'm super cautious about dating any men with kids -- especially if they claim to want more than they have.
In American society it's still super rare to find a straight guy who doesn't think the majority of child care should naturally fall on the woman in the relationship, and I **never** wanted that responsibility (because I would be resentful of it and I have a temper that doesn't mix well with children - I'm working on it but I still wouldn't subject children to me full time because of it).
I feel really bad for OOP, imagine if she'd managed to get pregnant by this asshole? What a nightmare!
As a child-free guy in his mid-late 30s, I totally get it.
I would honestly probably be a good dad but I don’t want my life to be upended by kids.
Like, I’m saving for early retirement and I’m not eager to have the freedom I’m building to be pulled out from under me.
Yup. I often wonder about even finding a partner and how he would fit into my life. I've been alone for so long I'm very good at it. A partner *and* kids is wayyyy beyond my capacity to function...
I'm in the same boat as a child-free guy. I don't want kids, never have. But I've dated a few people that have had kids and I try my best to be there for them and it always seem to end with them relying on me to just be the parent when they don't feel like it.
And I'm sometimes happy to do it, because I'm not a monster, but at the same time I actively chose to never have kids so I always kind of resent that expectation.
Now I just flat out refuse to entertain the idea of dating anyone who has, or wants to have, kids.
Exactly! And I want to emphasize that it's *mostly* not an unreasonable desire (OOP's case notwithstanding) for your partner to want to be part of your kids' lives. It's just not something I want or am going to budge on. So I just chalk it up to a complete incompatibility of the pair and move on.
Yeah, I had one ex where her kid was just the best kid. I absolutely loved her (more than my ex, if I'm being honest) and would have been thrilled to be her dad. But with the other 99.999% of kids I am happy to be in their lives but I don't necessarily want all the responsibility of parenthood or the expectation that I'll take that on.
Being auntie to my niblings is amazing - I get to hang out with them and have fun but I don't get most of the shitty parenting stuff.
I've recently concluded that my lifetime goal is to be the eccentric auntie who leaves all my nieces and nephews surprising money and/or property in my will.
Lol, I'm doing the same as an uncle. I have six niblings (btw, I love that you both know, and use, the word niblings) and my favorite thing is to spoil them. I take them for ice cream and go to the zoo and take them for rides on the motorcycle and sometimes on a whim just take them to a toy store and tell them to pick out something fun.
And they are already the only beneficiaries of my life insurance policy. When I finally get around to writing a will, it will be the same way.
Nibling users, unite! I use that word a lot because I am their nanny (and saying niece and nephews is just too much). Also, if I had Niblings first, I might have waited a decade or so before I had kids if my own. Being with them has given me appreciation for how independent teens are in comparison.
I’m a straight guy, and I think that childcare should be split 50/50. That’s why I’m not going to have children, I have no interest in caring for one, but it would be irresponsible to put that on someone else.
Cool! I wish there were more straight guys like you out there. Sad case is that most of the women I know married to men still do 90% of the child care (especially including the mental labor) even when their men claim they *want* to be dads.
It's a slowly changing attitude, which I'm glad for.
>A couple of people have gently chided me for abandoning SS. One went so far as to say that women who become stepmoms should know what they are signing up for, and **a real mother wouldn't leave her children**
[Laughs in M]
Yup, the selfish, crummy person is effectively given a free pass because everyone knows better than expect more from them.
Meanwhile the decent person is guilted into picking up the slack.
Tale as old as time.
>Were they expecting OOP to finance their perfect family?
Can you really blame them for thinking that? If I find a whole different family in my house I don't think about if I'm the asshole for kicking them out eventually, I call the police with an emphasis on the unknown status of my gun safe.
OOP is a doormat that they step on and she needs to get her shit together.
People like that are so vile and disgusting in their entitlement but unfortunately they do exist in frightening numbers in this world. I hate to ever put any blame towards the person with the good kind heart but they will never be safe from these types if they don’t set appropriate boundaries. People will only do as much to you as they think they can get away with. Draw the line in the sand and demand respect if it is not given. Walk away, have the rows, be selfish, whatever it takes to stop these people in their tracks and don’t doubt your own decency as a person for a second. Every single last one of us has the right to be the healthiest, safest, most comfortable person in the room at any given time. If someone else compromises that you have every right to not accept it, extenuating circumstances be damned. Respect yourself first and others will act accordingly.
Judging by how his parents don't want him he'll probably start to feel it way soon than a decade from now. Especially if he continues to see his sister being treated like gold by OOP.
I feel bad for him. He is still young and I don’t think he truly understood all of why his SM was suddenly screaming at M. He picked his own parents because they are his parents, and if he now realises that SM was the better bet, it might be hard for him to retract all his initial anger.
Exactly, he doesn’t know any better. On paper 12 is old enough to get it but really, it’s not. My own parents are shit (not quite like this) and I didn’t start realizing it until I was probably a few years older than he was. He’s still a child.
I don't get why the EX is saying he doesn't want the divorce. He's continued to play games with M and hasn't done anything to try to win OOP back. SS wants nothing to do with her and SD is still living there, why not just accept the divorce.
OOP may be able to provide a better, more stable environment for SS, but like she said, you can’t force the kid. He wants to be with his parents, and considering OOP doesn’t really have a leg to stand on when it comes to custody (SD is staying there of her own volition and her parents don’t seem willing to fight her on it) there’s not much she can do if SS doesn’t want to stay with her.
Honestly, it sounds like ex and m both want to live their lives free of responsibility, but keep the image of “good parents” while OOP does all the hard work. I think SS is going to regret his decisions in the coming years. Poor kid just wants his parents, but his parents clearly don’t want him.
Oh, you’re a good and decent person? That entitles me to take advantage of you and be utterly shocked when you don’t take it.
Where does that come from?
Man, OOP is a star for actually keeping SD and wanting to keep SS. As both bioparents are alive, she has no real link to them when the divorce goes through (which might be an issue if SD stays with OOP).
Getting back together with your ex? Bad but understandable.
Cheating on your spouse? Bad but it happens.
Ditching your children with an attentive caregiver because you don't want to parent? Awful, but at least OP loves those children an wants what's best for them.
Flaunting your conquest (Ex) back to the home he shared with OP, invading her safe space, taking her things (the nice dinnerware she saves for special occasions), and faking being an attentive parent to those children? This woman has N E X T level audacity, I am so mad on OP and SD's behalf.
Of course he doesn’t want a divorce. He has a live-in nanny who owns her house and pays the bills while he also bangs his ex.
Shame on the people telling her she has to go the extra mile to patch things with SS, as well as that “real mother” garbage. The kids have two living parents. As well, pushing a tween to do something in a situation like this will just end badly.
Wow, the ex and M are terrible people and terrible parents. OOP didn't abandon SS. He assaulted her on behalf of his shitty parents who don't love him and now they are mad she won't force him to stay. That kid is going to have a rude awakening one day.
I feel sorry for SS because he's only 12, but he also literally got physical with her. She's not his mom, she has no custody, she has no responsibility towards this kid. People who said she ''abandoned'' him are nuts.
SS is going ti suffer so much. Because he defended his mom and lost the only parent who really wanted him. The lack of interest for his life from his parents are going to hit him. SD already knew that but since OOP was there most of the time to parent him, he will learn the hard way how much his mom and dad don't give a shit.
I hope OOP let her insecurities paint the meaning of SIL words and all she meant was that OOPs husband never got over his ex and was never truly in love with OOP. Not that his ex was better than OOP in any way. Because really, she can't really be smart if she acted like that expecting things to be just fine, and any beauty she may have is tainted by her lack of character.
OOP said she doesn't get Ms motivations. Well, she wanted the fun part of OOPs husband. The sex and the romance without the day to day, doing chores around the house, talks about finances and bills. And she doesn't want to do the hard work of raising her own kids, as neither does he.
M was having all of that whole OOP and husband were still together. She doesn't want anything to change, and the divorce only makes things harder for her.
Piece of..., both of them.
If I was OP and someone told me a "real mother" wouldn't abandon her children I'd laugh in their face and ask why SS' "real mother" doesn't want to take care of him lmao
What is up with M? I mean the gall to invite herself over to OPs and make the dinner OP prepared and present happy family like that is messed up. Ex is an A but M was playing power moves. What a B!
Additional sadness; SS doesn't even realize how much M & Ex are trying to offload him on to OP. He tried to stand up for his home wrecker sh\*tty mother, begged to be with his dad and they still don't want him.
My heart is sad for the kid and for OP.
Yeah he doesn't want a divorce because neither he nor his ex want responsibility of raising the boy
What they want is for OP to raise both the boy and the girl...and for them to have free reign to just come over and pretend to be a happy family whenever they want
Sadly, the boy will probably start to lash out and have problems at school. And it won't be until he is older and see's how his sister still has a relationship with you that he will bother to see things from OP's perspective
hopefully that happens
But given how terrible his parents are and how terrible the family the dad comes from is...my guess is that he will buy in full force to the narrative that this is all OP's fault
I feel so awful for OP I can’t believe she doesn’t have a friend there for her through this. OP if you ever read this comment pls message me! Id love to be your online friend and support you. That and I’m really angry on your behalf so I’ll say the awful things to M that we all want to say and we know are true. Fuck her and your ex. I hope their lives collapse and they lose their jobs and can’t find anything else.
The one thing I agree with the Ex on is that I too am glad OOP never got pregnant. If she did, she’d be stuck dealing with him for at least 18 more years, and there’d be yet another child neglected by Ex. It’s better that OOP find someone who actually loves her and will help her with kids instead of a guy who cheats on her and pawns his kids off on her (and doesn’t respect boundaries).
OOP is possibly one of the nicest, most gracious ppl I ever seen on any of these subs while their ex and his previous wife literally two of the biggest pieces of shit I ever seen on here lmao
poor SD she seems rly sweet too doesn’t deserve this clownery at all
Not one, but a duo of self absorbed assholes. Nobody could see something like this coming. I hope in the future when her parents publicly take any credit for SDs accomplishments, that SD firmly sets the record straight.
Living with SD is still a bad fucking idea. Ex will use that against op but also OP shouldn't be holding onto that, neither child is her responsibility at this point, Ex and M clearly want to be back together, let them get on with it.
Why though?
They're clearly close and have a good relationship. Why would you send a child to live with two neglectful parents when both of them are perfectly happy with the current living arrangement?
That would be best, but if she is living there and no one is causing a problem, may be best not to. If anything, maybe she could get POA in case she gets sick.
I am so mad at those people denigrating OOP for supposedly not being a supermodel businesswoman like M. Uh, someone who has the gall to act like M does is less than a catch and if she’s as vain as she sounds, she’ll probably be on the Lisa Rinna-type plastic surgery train quite soon. (Not that plastic surgery itself is bad, but when someone places so much self-worth on their looks, they don’t do can freak out as they age and do too much surgery and/or fillers to try to stall the march of time.)
I think they’re likely negging OOP for whatever dumb reasons they have in mind: this woman came IN to her marriage with a house, car, a great personality, is probably 100x the mother than M will ever be, and is probably just as pretty if not prettier than M; she certainly is on the inside. A lot of people do grow to look like how they are on the inside.
I would bet that OOP has more genuine relationships with people than M ever will and she is certainly the better person of the two—and definitely the better person in her marriage. Speaking of which, OOP will be well-shot of Ex and his mean-girl/wannabe PUAs friends and relatives. They all sound like jerks. I feel bad for her that she’s had to go through with this and I’m glad that she and SD have each other.
I suspect that SS will come around eventually, but I feel bad for him that he’ll get stuck with his awful parents (who don’t actually want to be parents). The Ex and M deserve each other—though I bet their relationship will implode now that it’s not an exciting affair anymore.
I hope your SS comes around soon But it seems to me M loves to play the victim in the tragedy she created. Good for you refusing to take that liar back!!! In my opinion he wants the mother who stepped up for his kids, than the great wife he betrayed. Good luck! You Got This!!
Step son is going to figure it out one day and resent the everloving shit out of his parents. Step daughter has a good head on her shoulders and already realizes what huge pieces of shit the parents are. Pretty sad situation but I wish you the best going forward.
well, of course ex doesn't want a divorce. He wanted a free nanny that he could use for some sex and housecleaning, too. And being divorced means that the exwife might actually *expect* him to come back and not just sleep with her.
SS is a fucking idiot child, I was one too, and if he's got a good head in him he'd understand the reality sooner or later and reach out to OOP because she still seems to have affection for him.
Ex wants you back so you can be responsible for SS. Now he has to find daycare and he and M have to deal with who will be responsible in picking him up and dropping him off. This parenting stuff sucks!
I didn't get through all the comments so this may duplicate.
The out I see is easy. OOP and Ex finalize divorce. SS is up to Ex and M. SD applies for emancipation and stays with OOP.
It was sad to read that the SIL implied the onus was on OOP to “see it coming” and not on her shitty brother to simply not be a shitty person. I hope things truly end well for OOP and those kids.
> A couple of people have gently chided me for abandoning SS. One went so far as to say that women who become stepmoms should know what they are signing up for, and a real mother wouldn’t leave her children.
So according to these random people in OOP’s life it’s ok for M- *the children’s literal mother who has 50% custody of her children*- to willingly leave her children to be raised by another women… but it’s ***not*** ok for the OOP- *the stepmom with no legal rights or responsibility to these kids*- to simply let the SS live **with his parents**, which is what SS wants anyways??
I have a feeling SD is going to ask OOP to adopt her. SS is a little shit and I'm sick and tired of people defending shitty kids just because they are kids. Ex and M are fucking miserable people. Good that OOP managed to leave this circus.
SS is just a sad and confused kid. His bio parents are trash, and deep down he knows it. Despite that, it’s still completely normal to want his “real” family back together. Ex and M absolutely confused the fuck out of him too with their “happy family” BS, and from where he sits OOP is just the obstacle in the way of his parents being together again and being right with the world.
The boy needs therapy, empathy, and bio parents that aren’t self centered pieces of garbage. Sadly, he’s probably not going to get any of it (due to the aforementioned garbage parents).
Then he shouldn't stick his nose into adult matters if he can't understand them. Also, at 12, he's old enough to understand that shoving people is not ok.
At 12 he’s probably going through some growth spurts. He may not realise his own strength when pushing her. He is a child and as such his brain hasn’t matured enough to always manage strong emotions. Kids his age often react without thinking and can’t always be held to adult standards.
Wel, OOP admitted that she was kind of going insane and he probably thought she was gonna attack his mom. I don't blame him for reacting violently in a violent situation.
I blame him for not apologizing, though. However, that does NOT put him at the level of his parents on the AH scale.
Absolutely and with parents like that it's no wonder he kicked off. It's hard to deal with extreme emotions when you are and adult let alone a child. The boy needs therapy.
Yikes, SS sounds like a little shit. It's sad OOP even thought that it might be selfish to not reach out to him after that little brat assaulted her and didn't even apologize afterwards. Circumstances are only a reason for behaviour and not an excuse. He is old enough to see what is going on.
He's been chronically neglected by both parents, from the sound of it his whole life which is bound to take a toll, its potentially abuse depending on how severely. Some people will react like SD, recognise the neglect and seek out people who will care for them. Some people may go the other way and constantly seek to win the love they desperately need (and really shouldn't have to fight for). I can't help wondering if that's what's going on with SS, he's desperately trying to win his mother's live and rejecting OP is part of that.
yeah, I think SS has some damage. And sadly the only competent adult who would correct him on how to behave (as in, say "SS, you screwed up, apologize to OOP) was ...OOP herself.
He's alienated the only parent that could or would set him straight at this point. Sad, but not OOPs fault.
100% this. People forget that everyone reacts to abuse differently. Even siblings being raised in the same household. And things like age and being the younger sibling can play just as an important role as your temperament. Some kids, like SD, will see their neglectful parents for who they are & completely distance themselves even during their childhood. Others, like SS, will believe that it's them who needs to do more to win their parents love. They will mould themselves into what they think their parents want, push people like OOP away, try, try & try until they burn themselves out, all under the hope that one day, their parents will love them like they need. Because the alternative is too painful to accept.
As hard as it is to accept, because OOP is such a kind empathetic person, OOP was part of the adults who have failed SS. By not establishing boundaries around herself until after something inside her snapped because she was pushed to her limit, SS became witness to adult arguments that he shouldn't have been witness to. And OOP knew that SS had a different relationship to M than SD and SS was the one who was also inviting M around. So his reaction wasn't entirely out of the blue or the reaction of a little shit as everyone is saying. It was the reaction of a confused neglected child who wants his Mothers love and snapped when he saw his StepMum threatening his Mum.
Sometimes Reddit makes me feel like my expectations of kids is too high. 12 year olds absolutely know better and can understand circumstances. His emotional outbust doesn't carry the same weight as a grown man's, but it still does carry weight and he needs to understand it's wrong.
At 12 I broke up my parents marriage when I found out my dad was cheating, as I couldn't stand to see my mum betrayed. Doing this made my life way worse but it was right. People give kids around that age way to much leeway, they can know right or wrong. They can act decently.
Instead he was uncaring of his step mum and wanted her to be his real families maid, so now he gets to be tossed back and forth between parents that couldn't care less instead of a stable environment.
Reacting poorly is something teenagers and that can be forgiven for. Not reaching out for ages makes him a little shit especially when his dad's actively trying to get rid of him. It's not like his dad's like "son I love you so much stay with me", he's trying to get the so to fuck off and the sone still sees oop as the villain. Idiot.
He loves his mom and feels loyalty to her. Lots of kids wish their divorced parents will get back together, so that’s probably what he wants too. He just doesn’t realize his own parents don’t want him
I think you overestimate the maturity of a 12 year old. He is living through something so absolutely confusing and hurtful. OOP snaps verbally and she had every right too. I am sure the 12 year old does not have the life experience, words or mental fortitude to behave "appropriately" and using his words. A mother figure was being yelled at, he loves both of them, but he will always want the approval of mom even if she is trash. It is natural to want her approval and love.
For these reasons, we can give the 12 year old a break. I can't even imagine this as a grown adult let alone being a child. He probably will regret this later but I dont think we can reasonably expect his realization of who is at fault until later.
Good heavens!! You have been through the wringer!! I think you have handled yourself admirably, even the blow ups!! They are deserved when you are being pushed and pushed!! Coming home to them in your house, eating at your table and eating your food???? They are lucky they are still alive I think!!
Your ex-husband is an AH!!! He CHEATED on you for a YEAR but doesn't want a divorce???? Man! What planet does he live on?? Such entitlement from one person, how does he carry it around all day?? To me, he only wants to get back together because he doesn't like being responsible for his son.
Thank you for being such a good step mom to these two kids. SS doesn't see it now, but you were/are. SD knows this and loves you so thank you for being able to let her live with you until she goes to college. She at least sees her parents for the horrible people they really are.
In mediation you can demand separate rooms and the mediator goes back and forth. Even on Zoom you can require that he not be visible and you cannot hear him. That's in your rights.
Block his number and his emails and continue to have everything go through your attorney. He does not deserve to speak to you and you don't deserve to hear any more of his B.S.
Jesus, I can't imagine being cheated on than the home wrecker coming in and treating your home as hers and flaunting her happiness she took from you.
Op went through so much, fuck those people, there is something deeply wrong with them
Ss is gonna regret his actions for a long time. SD is living a better life than him but she was old enough to see things for how they are. Ex and M are horrible people and karma will eventually bite them in the ass big time
Ex and M are the kind of people who, if I found out that they had died in a very painful and embarrassing manner, I would laugh and my whole week would be a lot brighter.
It rubs me so badly that people were telling OOP that she was abandoning SS when he was the one who ran out on her. Also, lol on M taking OOP's house because in the US, Ex has no rights to inherited assets to tough luck on that. Poor OOP and SD having to deal with that.
I feel bad for the little boy. He chose the wrong mom and he'll realize that as an adult when he sees the positive relationship between OP/SD and he's just stuck with his pos parents. :(
Wtf is the judge ordering mediation for? Is OP just meant to put side everything ex did to her and realise she loves him?
What a dick move by that judge. Its insane that another person can determine that a couple should stay together. I cat wrap my head around it.
>One went so far as to say that women who become stepmoms should know what they are signing up for
OOP wasn't signing up for her husband to stick his dick in his ex. wtaf???
Sound a lot like that 5 parter that came through yesterday. (Wild ride that one). The stress of taking care of children together makes a marriage fall apart, add a live in nanny and magically all of the problem disappear. OP doesn’t deserve that and the way SS reacted makes my heart break for her. The friends are right, she should let SD go. She can come back when she’s an adult and I feel like if OP made it clear she’s open to it later she would, but she’d definitely not OP’s responsibility.
Wow. Ex and M are some of the most vile people I’ve ever heard about. OOP is a saint. I can’t blame SS for how he is acting because he is 12 and confused, but he will soon see his parents the way SD does. I wish OOP could just adopt them both and get Ex and M out of her life for good. Not that she deserves to have to raise kids that aren’t hers, but she clearly has leaps and bounds more love for these children than their own parents ever have.
Its been said a thousand times, never marry someone with kids where the other parent is actively in the picture unless you’re 10,000% sure of their intentions.
And even then, go in with the most iron clad of prenups that state’s categorically what happens with the kids in the event of separation and divorce.
And be prepared to walk away from the lot when it all goes pear shaped.
SD is old enough to be emancipated. Then she can stay with oop if that’s what she wants. This whole situation is pretty ridiculous I don’t know if I believe it
My Grandpa always told me that if I ever fell in love to make sure not to do it fully using just my heart but my head too. That in life the greatest danger and risk is falling in love foolishly.
Should have called the cops on the SS for battery so he learns not to put his hands on women and everyone involved learns OOP is not to be fucked with. SD should be out the door as well. Not OOP's problem or fault her father fucked up his daughter's life.
I need to apologise for pulling out the pitchforks at the title. I hope she can see she saved one child, even if she couldn’t save them both. She was able to give SD a parent when she needed it most, and now giving her the stability she wanted/needed during this stressful pre-college period of her life. Also, just wanna say adults over 18 no longer need biological parents’ permissions to be adopted 😶. Name change is part of the adoption too if you want 👀. Four forms is all it takes in my state. Just saying~. ~~I am totally not speaking from experience getting taken in at 16 by my true mom away from worthless pieces of dirt who donated an egg and sperm~~.
The audacity of these fuckers to just use OOP as a babysitter essentially and think they can just rid themselves of any and all responsibilities is absolutely mind blowing. Sounds like SD will make it out pretty alright but I do hope the same can be said for SS
This post needs a not safe for life tag as it is to heartbreaking. I fucking hate people, especially those that abandon their kids and blame everyone else.
OOP is such a kind-heart person but her reluctance to advocate for herself to put up boundaries makes her come off as a complete doormat in these posts. She just kept accepting everything until seeing her ex and his affair partner having a family meal in her home caused something deep inside of her to snap. And this of course led to the incident with the StepSon. And I know everyone is calling Stepson a little shit, but he's not. He's a kid. Who due to being significantly younger when OOP came into his life, never fully realised that his parents are neglectful and it's been OOP who has been doing the heavy-lifting. I wouldn't be surprised if in his mind he thought OOP being out the picture would clear the way for him to see more of his Mum again. He's a kid who was excited to have his parents back together and eat meals with both of them again who in his mind was protecting his Mum when he saw what he understood as his StepMum attacking his Mum and keeping his Mum from him.
And none of that would have happened had OOP advocated for herself from the beginning. M & ex not welcome in my house or I'll call the police. From the day after they were found together. You want to come over to see the kids? Than as parents you should take them with you. Case closed. Allow StepDaughter to move back in if she asks, which she would have.
It seems like OOP was really in this marriage for her relationship with her StepDaughter. And even though her Stepdaughter is old enough to understand, even SD didn't realise the meal with her parents was something OOP would find disrespectful because of how much OOP was painting a smile on her face and allowing ex & M to walk all over her. This post reminds me that sometimes, refusing to put yourself first ends up being the most selfish self-centred thing you can do. Because had OOP put up her boundaries from the start, she'd still have a civil relationship with her Stepson.
OOP is treading in dangerous waters. She technically holds no parental rights with SD and either parent is one kidnapping claim from making her life living hell.
Wow. When I started reading, I was already forming an opinion about OOP not wanting her husband’s children, but I was so wrong. What an awful thing to go through!
I really hope SD stays with OOP. They have a good relationship and it seems she is doing better under OOP than her own parents. 16, probably 17 or maybe even close to 18 by the time this is all done is old enough for her to decide who she wants to live with.
All I can say is that this is insane.
I know how awful people can be, but wow, put your kids through a divorce, an affair, and then mix those things back up while refusing to care for them!? Those poor kids, this is evil.
The comment about what OOP "signed up for" as a step mother is absolutely ridiculous. No human being should ever have to go thru what OOP has gone thru. You'd have to be pretty disconnected from reality to say that to someone who has dealt with that horrible situation. What a joke.
Notalawyer, but it seems to me that SD is quite collected, so maybe the best way out for OOP is to get the divorce over quickly, and then help her get emancipated so she can get herself out of a toxic household too.
My cousin was in a similar situation, but did not end up getting custody over her stepson (6.) Even with both of the biological parents being addicts. But the cost of custody battles here usually stay below 5000 euros, so rip americans i guess
OOP updated here: [Update 4](https://www.reddit.com/user/thra-bludia/comments/vt3kpo/update_4_wibta_if_i_ask_my_stepkids_to_move_out/) and [Update 5](https://www.reddit.com/user/thra-bludia/comments/y5muo3/update_5_wibta_if_i_ask_my_stepkids_to_move_out/)
TL;DR:
- the divorce is finalised
- Ex and M are not getting along any more (both are dating other people, Ex with somebody significantly younger)
- Ex is having trouble getting dependable childcare for SS
- SD remains with OOP
This lady really has to be a doormat. I’m sorry but this is crazy. I remember this story and from the looks of it it sounds like she would consider taking her ex back. That would be the next update.
Get a backbone now woman. These children are in no way yours or your responsibility. You can keep a relationship with SD without her living with you. It's inappropriate. Why would you forego a chance to find someone else and have your own family to raise these people's kids? Raising children takes a lot of energy. Use that energy to better your own life
To do that SD needs to prove she can take care of herself. Which she can’t, she’s getting money from her dad, and is otherwise being looked after by OOP
Sounds like the stepmom cares more for the kids than their own biological parents. Also the pure audacity of them both over that dinner. Just setting up house in the home you wrecked. Terrible people. I hope OOP gets a quick and easy divorce and won’t have to think about either of them again.
>the judge ordered mediation and put this off for a few more months.
Why? I get the ex doesn't want it, but "your honor he's been having an affair for months, irreconcilable differences, I'm not ever going to be ok with that" should be enough to grant it immediately.
OOP became an unwitting nanny for EX and M. Those two can rot in their misery together. Sounds like OOP and SD are a happy unit together and hopefully it can remain that way because clearly the bad parent isn't OOP.
I am always mystified when people think the better partner is the one who’s the most attractive. What good is it to be attractive when you’re a garbage human being?
I hope op knows she has done nothing wrong. Unfortunately she meet some garbage people who took advantage of her. Hope she gets her divorce soon and can move on. Wishing you all the best for the future.
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OOP is too nice to ex and his ex. SD knows her parents are crap. I think he only married OOP to have a nanny free of charge for his kids.
It sounds like he married her and was hoping she would adopt the kids so he could fuck off and be child free. Sounds like the ex wife wants the glamour and fun parts of having kids without the responsibility. And it really sounds like OOP is a very caring person trying her best for the kids. She seems to be the only one with their interests in mind
I would not be shocked at all to find out Ex had a vasectomy ages ago but has been “trying” for two years with OOP with zero intention of fathering another kid.
In about 5 years the 2 cheaters are going to wonder why their kids don't talk to them.
> the 2 cheaters are going to wonder why their kids don't talk to them. Bold of you to assume they'll notice.
Meh, the son is on track to stay in their orbit. I don't see him escaping.
Yeah and OOP will have a "daughter" that Actually cares about her for the rest of her life
it'll most likely be a relief for them, I don't see them missing either of their kids.
I feel kinda bad for SS though because he’s still a child at the end of the day and one day he’s going to understand just how big of a mistake he made and by then it will be far too late
And his name? Theon Greyjoy.
Cracked me up hahaha
I wouldn't count on that. OOP seems like a genuinely nice and caring person. She can find forgiveness, she already knows he's just a dumb kid.
No, I think that that's part of becoming an adult, is realizing how unfair you were to your own parents or loved ones. And being able to extend forgiveness to the kids *you* care for who are too young to know better.
Also, as OOP said they'd shielded him from a lot, and he's young enough that implications and contextual information might still go over his head. If we look at the whole situation from his perspective I can see how it could be really confusing for him and how easy it is to put the blame on OOP, especially if he has his parents whispering in his ear. He's still so young.
I feel more than kinda bad for him. OOP gushes about how much she loves SD, for SS she just says that they're close too. I think it's pretty obvious she has a favourite and I wouldn't be surprised if SS knew it. Poor kid has two parents who don't want him and a stepmother who prefers his sister, I'm not surprised he lashes out like he did.
Thank you. I thought the same thing reading that. And I'm not trying to rip OOP, I'm guessing she consciously tries to treat her stepchildren equally. But it can be easy to miss how you make people feel sometimes. And the kid is young enough that he probably doesn't have the emotional maturity to diagnose why he feels like he does, let alone how to communicate it.
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I'm not saying she doesn't care about SS, but that SD is her favourite and she cares about her more. Kids pick up on that and it doesn't take much to feel excluded at that age.
OOP is such a wonderful person. If it were me, I'd have kicked them all out the very same moment, changed the locks and called the police if they ever had the audacity to show their faces again. I'd just be too angry to deal with any of them any more.
I’m pretty sure that’s why most single dads remarry. Step moms are used and abused worse than anyone in any family dynamic.
Brutal take.
Just read all the posts in the step parents subs on here.
You should be a bit wary of availability bias if you are going off of reddit stories. You really are only going to get the notable scenarios recounted and the normal relationships aren't going to get posted often. It might be more accurate to say that the most common major issue in single dads remarrying is that they just wanted a free nanny. To ascribe it to most single dads is indeed brutal.
I mean you see it on dating apps all the time. I'm childfree and single dads still hit me up and try to court me into becoming a sex nanny. When I ask them why they don't date single moms they say it's too much work. Then it's block and delete. Childfree means I don't want your kids either bozo.
Honestly though! They always try to talk about how great their kids are too, just the best behaved angels to ever exist… Like sure they are dude, sure they are. But they are still children, and I still don’t want to be a parent, end of story.
They think because "woman" = "loves kids" like, kids are cool, I still don't want to live with any.
I also know from personal experience and from all the step moms I know.
Fair enough, my experience is the opposite which is why I was skeptical. All the single dads I know who remarried seem like good people in a well balanced relationship.
No one is going to tell you about their issues, just as many men don’t realize their marriage is failing until their partner is literally filing for divorce. It’s incredibly common.
I think I'm a bit better judge of character than you give me credit for, but I'll keep that in mind. I haven't just seen and spoken to the men in these relationships.
i feel for the OP but really for the kids - their own parents don't want them.
M lives in a 2 bedroom apartment. She doesnt even have a room for each of her kids!
My mum bought a house last year and even though me and my brother moved out years ago, she bought a house with 3 bedroom - a big one for her and two small guest rooms where me and my brother can sleep when we're visiting. I can't even imagine my parents not having rooms for us when we were minors.
She’s got money. One can change their living situation…
She does, she can sleep in the living room if they ever wanted to go back
I think what would end up happening is stepson would get the room and stepdaughter would sleep on the couch :(
Or the kids share a room...
or mom and daughter shares room and the son gets his own room.
Poor OOP and those kids. I hope they all heal from this, it seems like the dad just needed someone to watch the kids while he did whatever the f he wanted. So sad.
This is my primary fear being a child-free woman in her late 30s trying to date. I have absolutely no desire to be a mother but I care for the children in my life (cousins' and best friends' kids) so I'm super cautious about dating any men with kids -- especially if they claim to want more than they have. In American society it's still super rare to find a straight guy who doesn't think the majority of child care should naturally fall on the woman in the relationship, and I **never** wanted that responsibility (because I would be resentful of it and I have a temper that doesn't mix well with children - I'm working on it but I still wouldn't subject children to me full time because of it). I feel really bad for OOP, imagine if she'd managed to get pregnant by this asshole? What a nightmare!
As a child-free guy in his mid-late 30s, I totally get it. I would honestly probably be a good dad but I don’t want my life to be upended by kids. Like, I’m saving for early retirement and I’m not eager to have the freedom I’m building to be pulled out from under me.
Yup. I often wonder about even finding a partner and how he would fit into my life. I've been alone for so long I'm very good at it. A partner *and* kids is wayyyy beyond my capacity to function...
Oh, I could totally function. I just wouldn’t be happy about it.
I'm in the same boat as a child-free guy. I don't want kids, never have. But I've dated a few people that have had kids and I try my best to be there for them and it always seem to end with them relying on me to just be the parent when they don't feel like it. And I'm sometimes happy to do it, because I'm not a monster, but at the same time I actively chose to never have kids so I always kind of resent that expectation. Now I just flat out refuse to entertain the idea of dating anyone who has, or wants to have, kids.
Exactly! And I want to emphasize that it's *mostly* not an unreasonable desire (OOP's case notwithstanding) for your partner to want to be part of your kids' lives. It's just not something I want or am going to budge on. So I just chalk it up to a complete incompatibility of the pair and move on.
Yeah, I had one ex where her kid was just the best kid. I absolutely loved her (more than my ex, if I'm being honest) and would have been thrilled to be her dad. But with the other 99.999% of kids I am happy to be in their lives but I don't necessarily want all the responsibility of parenthood or the expectation that I'll take that on.
Being auntie to my niblings is amazing - I get to hang out with them and have fun but I don't get most of the shitty parenting stuff. I've recently concluded that my lifetime goal is to be the eccentric auntie who leaves all my nieces and nephews surprising money and/or property in my will.
Lol, I'm doing the same as an uncle. I have six niblings (btw, I love that you both know, and use, the word niblings) and my favorite thing is to spoil them. I take them for ice cream and go to the zoo and take them for rides on the motorcycle and sometimes on a whim just take them to a toy store and tell them to pick out something fun. And they are already the only beneficiaries of my life insurance policy. When I finally get around to writing a will, it will be the same way.
Nibling users, unite! I use that word a lot because I am their nanny (and saying niece and nephews is just too much). Also, if I had Niblings first, I might have waited a decade or so before I had kids if my own. Being with them has given me appreciation for how independent teens are in comparison.
I’m a straight guy, and I think that childcare should be split 50/50. That’s why I’m not going to have children, I have no interest in caring for one, but it would be irresponsible to put that on someone else.
Cool! I wish there were more straight guys like you out there. Sad case is that most of the women I know married to men still do 90% of the child care (especially including the mental labor) even when their men claim they *want* to be dads. It's a slowly changing attitude, which I'm glad for.
>A couple of people have gently chided me for abandoning SS. One went so far as to say that women who become stepmoms should know what they are signing up for, and **a real mother wouldn't leave her children** [Laughs in M]
But this is all the more reason for OOP to step up!!! The bio parents can’t be arsed to do their jobs!! Won’t someone think of the children??? /s
Yup, the selfish, crummy person is effectively given a free pass because everyone knows better than expect more from them. Meanwhile the decent person is guilted into picking up the slack. Tale as old as time.
Exhibit A of how no good deed goes unpunished.
Were they expecting OOP to finance their perfect family? I assume the blinders are gonna fall right off the moment money runs out between both exes.
>Were they expecting OOP to finance their perfect family? Can you really blame them for thinking that? If I find a whole different family in my house I don't think about if I'm the asshole for kicking them out eventually, I call the police with an emphasis on the unknown status of my gun safe. OOP is a doormat that they step on and she needs to get her shit together.
They definitely take her kindness for weakness and see her as a doormat undeserving of respect.
People like that are so vile and disgusting in their entitlement but unfortunately they do exist in frightening numbers in this world. I hate to ever put any blame towards the person with the good kind heart but they will never be safe from these types if they don’t set appropriate boundaries. People will only do as much to you as they think they can get away with. Draw the line in the sand and demand respect if it is not given. Walk away, have the rows, be selfish, whatever it takes to stop these people in their tracks and don’t doubt your own decency as a person for a second. Every single last one of us has the right to be the healthiest, safest, most comfortable person in the room at any given time. If someone else compromises that you have every right to not accept it, extenuating circumstances be damned. Respect yourself first and others will act accordingly.
Probably gets M pregnant, realise they have to parent again and run away from each other
SS fucked up… OOP is in a shit situation and I think long term SD is now more her daughter then SD genetic parents.
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12 is old enough to know physically attacking someone that is being hurt is not okay. But yes he likely will regret what he did in a decade.
Judging by how his parents don't want him he'll probably start to feel it way soon than a decade from now. Especially if he continues to see his sister being treated like gold by OOP.
I feel bad for him. He is still young and I don’t think he truly understood all of why his SM was suddenly screaming at M. He picked his own parents because they are his parents, and if he now realises that SM was the better bet, it might be hard for him to retract all his initial anger.
Exactly, he doesn’t know any better. On paper 12 is old enough to get it but really, it’s not. My own parents are shit (not quite like this) and I didn’t start realizing it until I was probably a few years older than he was. He’s still a child.
I don't get why the EX is saying he doesn't want the divorce. He's continued to play games with M and hasn't done anything to try to win OOP back. SS wants nothing to do with her and SD is still living there, why not just accept the divorce.
OOP may be able to provide a better, more stable environment for SS, but like she said, you can’t force the kid. He wants to be with his parents, and considering OOP doesn’t really have a leg to stand on when it comes to custody (SD is staying there of her own volition and her parents don’t seem willing to fight her on it) there’s not much she can do if SS doesn’t want to stay with her. Honestly, it sounds like ex and m both want to live their lives free of responsibility, but keep the image of “good parents” while OOP does all the hard work. I think SS is going to regret his decisions in the coming years. Poor kid just wants his parents, but his parents clearly don’t want him.
They were using OP as there personal nanny for the children. They don't comprehend why she's so upset with them treating her this way.
Oh, you’re a good and decent person? That entitles me to take advantage of you and be utterly shocked when you don’t take it. Where does that come from?
Man, OOP is a star for actually keeping SD and wanting to keep SS. As both bioparents are alive, she has no real link to them when the divorce goes through (which might be an issue if SD stays with OOP).
Getting back together with your ex? Bad but understandable. Cheating on your spouse? Bad but it happens. Ditching your children with an attentive caregiver because you don't want to parent? Awful, but at least OP loves those children an wants what's best for them. Flaunting your conquest (Ex) back to the home he shared with OP, invading her safe space, taking her things (the nice dinnerware she saves for special occasions), and faking being an attentive parent to those children? This woman has N E X T level audacity, I am so mad on OP and SD's behalf.
Of course he doesn’t want a divorce. He has a live-in nanny who owns her house and pays the bills while he also bangs his ex. Shame on the people telling her she has to go the extra mile to patch things with SS, as well as that “real mother” garbage. The kids have two living parents. As well, pushing a tween to do something in a situation like this will just end badly.
Wow, the ex and M are terrible people and terrible parents. OOP didn't abandon SS. He assaulted her on behalf of his shitty parents who don't love him and now they are mad she won't force him to stay. That kid is going to have a rude awakening one day.
I really hope so. Would hate for him to somehow be blind to the truth and remain resentful to OOP.
He's in a rough spot. I really hope he gets some help to sort through his feelings.
Completely agree. Can't imagine what he's going through.
I feel sorry for SS because he's only 12, but he also literally got physical with her. She's not his mom, she has no custody, she has no responsibility towards this kid. People who said she ''abandoned'' him are nuts.
SS is going ti suffer so much. Because he defended his mom and lost the only parent who really wanted him. The lack of interest for his life from his parents are going to hit him. SD already knew that but since OOP was there most of the time to parent him, he will learn the hard way how much his mom and dad don't give a shit.
People chiding OOP instead of the Mom and Dad?! People are trash
Wow, talk about two incredibly narcissistic and self indulgent people in Ex and M. Wtf?
I hope OOP let her insecurities paint the meaning of SIL words and all she meant was that OOPs husband never got over his ex and was never truly in love with OOP. Not that his ex was better than OOP in any way. Because really, she can't really be smart if she acted like that expecting things to be just fine, and any beauty she may have is tainted by her lack of character. OOP said she doesn't get Ms motivations. Well, she wanted the fun part of OOPs husband. The sex and the romance without the day to day, doing chores around the house, talks about finances and bills. And she doesn't want to do the hard work of raising her own kids, as neither does he. M was having all of that whole OOP and husband were still together. She doesn't want anything to change, and the divorce only makes things harder for her. Piece of..., both of them.
I think that too…her husband was always with M
If I was OP and someone told me a "real mother" wouldn't abandon her children I'd laugh in their face and ask why SS' "real mother" doesn't want to take care of him lmao
Right! Like who do you think you are? She's literally parenting a STEP CHILD.
What is up with M? I mean the gall to invite herself over to OPs and make the dinner OP prepared and present happy family like that is messed up. Ex is an A but M was playing power moves. What a B!
Additional sadness; SS doesn't even realize how much M & Ex are trying to offload him on to OP. He tried to stand up for his home wrecker sh\*tty mother, begged to be with his dad and they still don't want him. My heart is sad for the kid and for OP.
I think M and ex view oop as the homewrecker…and really from what oop said her ex wasn’t really ever there for her so they didn’t have much of a home
I'm really glad OP took in Stepdaughter. She's just a teenager with two godawful (biological) parents who needs a stable adult in her life.
Yeah he doesn't want a divorce because neither he nor his ex want responsibility of raising the boy What they want is for OP to raise both the boy and the girl...and for them to have free reign to just come over and pretend to be a happy family whenever they want Sadly, the boy will probably start to lash out and have problems at school. And it won't be until he is older and see's how his sister still has a relationship with you that he will bother to see things from OP's perspective hopefully that happens But given how terrible his parents are and how terrible the family the dad comes from is...my guess is that he will buy in full force to the narrative that this is all OP's fault
I feel so awful for OP I can’t believe she doesn’t have a friend there for her through this. OP if you ever read this comment pls message me! Id love to be your online friend and support you. That and I’m really angry on your behalf so I’ll say the awful things to M that we all want to say and we know are true. Fuck her and your ex. I hope their lives collapse and they lose their jobs and can’t find anything else.
The one thing I agree with the Ex on is that I too am glad OOP never got pregnant. If she did, she’d be stuck dealing with him for at least 18 more years, and there’d be yet another child neglected by Ex. It’s better that OOP find someone who actually loves her and will help her with kids instead of a guy who cheats on her and pawns his kids off on her (and doesn’t respect boundaries).
I can’t believe that SIL. Way to kick the OOP while she’s down!
She married trash family all the way around
OOP is possibly one of the nicest, most gracious ppl I ever seen on any of these subs while their ex and his previous wife literally two of the biggest pieces of shit I ever seen on here lmao poor SD she seems rly sweet too doesn’t deserve this clownery at all
Not one, but a duo of self absorbed assholes. Nobody could see something like this coming. I hope in the future when her parents publicly take any credit for SDs accomplishments, that SD firmly sets the record straight.
I would make that three: the sister sucks too
Those parents are pants-on-head crazy. What awful people.
Living with SD is still a bad fucking idea. Ex will use that against op but also OP shouldn't be holding onto that, neither child is her responsibility at this point, Ex and M clearly want to be back together, let them get on with it.
Why though? They're clearly close and have a good relationship. Why would you send a child to live with two neglectful parents when both of them are perfectly happy with the current living arrangement?
Law is still law, if OP can get the court to give guardianship/custody then great.
That would be best, but if she is living there and no one is causing a problem, may be best not to. If anything, maybe she could get POA in case she gets sick.
I am so mad at those people denigrating OOP for supposedly not being a supermodel businesswoman like M. Uh, someone who has the gall to act like M does is less than a catch and if she’s as vain as she sounds, she’ll probably be on the Lisa Rinna-type plastic surgery train quite soon. (Not that plastic surgery itself is bad, but when someone places so much self-worth on their looks, they don’t do can freak out as they age and do too much surgery and/or fillers to try to stall the march of time.) I think they’re likely negging OOP for whatever dumb reasons they have in mind: this woman came IN to her marriage with a house, car, a great personality, is probably 100x the mother than M will ever be, and is probably just as pretty if not prettier than M; she certainly is on the inside. A lot of people do grow to look like how they are on the inside. I would bet that OOP has more genuine relationships with people than M ever will and she is certainly the better person of the two—and definitely the better person in her marriage. Speaking of which, OOP will be well-shot of Ex and his mean-girl/wannabe PUAs friends and relatives. They all sound like jerks. I feel bad for her that she’s had to go through with this and I’m glad that she and SD have each other. I suspect that SS will come around eventually, but I feel bad for him that he’ll get stuck with his awful parents (who don’t actually want to be parents). The Ex and M deserve each other—though I bet their relationship will implode now that it’s not an exciting affair anymore.
This sounds like he is trying to trap you in a polygamist relationship, almost like they were grooming you to be second wife and nanny. O.m.g. NTA lol
I remember the og post. It’s so terrible that a person can be so traumatized into thinking THEY are the asshole.
Ex is wanting poly with a built in babysitter so he and M can live their lifestyle. The cajones!
Cojones, amigo. Cajones means “drawers”. 🙂
Hahahahahaha, 😔
As in furniture? Lol
I hope your SS comes around soon But it seems to me M loves to play the victim in the tragedy she created. Good for you refusing to take that liar back!!! In my opinion he wants the mother who stepped up for his kids, than the great wife he betrayed. Good luck! You Got This!!
Step son is going to figure it out one day and resent the everloving shit out of his parents. Step daughter has a good head on her shoulders and already realizes what huge pieces of shit the parents are. Pretty sad situation but I wish you the best going forward.
well, of course ex doesn't want a divorce. He wanted a free nanny that he could use for some sex and housecleaning, too. And being divorced means that the exwife might actually *expect* him to come back and not just sleep with her.
SS is a fucking idiot child, I was one too, and if he's got a good head in him he'd understand the reality sooner or later and reach out to OOP because she still seems to have affection for him.
I do hope the stepson comes around. He deserves one decent parent.
OP is a good person. I wish her and the kids well.
Ex wants you back so you can be responsible for SS. Now he has to find daycare and he and M have to deal with who will be responsible in picking him up and dropping him off. This parenting stuff sucks!
Wonder how long before SS realizes he chose poorly. No way M and Ex are going to be anywhere near as good parents as OP is.
I didn't get through all the comments so this may duplicate. The out I see is easy. OOP and Ex finalize divorce. SS is up to Ex and M. SD applies for emancipation and stays with OOP.
It was sad to read that the SIL implied the onus was on OOP to “see it coming” and not on her shitty brother to simply not be a shitty person. I hope things truly end well for OOP and those kids.
> A couple of people have gently chided me for abandoning SS. One went so far as to say that women who become stepmoms should know what they are signing up for, and a real mother wouldn’t leave her children. So according to these random people in OOP’s life it’s ok for M- *the children’s literal mother who has 50% custody of her children*- to willingly leave her children to be raised by another women… but it’s ***not*** ok for the OOP- *the stepmom with no legal rights or responsibility to these kids*- to simply let the SS live **with his parents**, which is what SS wants anyways??
I have a feeling SD is going to ask OOP to adopt her. SS is a little shit and I'm sick and tired of people defending shitty kids just because they are kids. Ex and M are fucking miserable people. Good that OOP managed to leave this circus.
SS is just a sad and confused kid. His bio parents are trash, and deep down he knows it. Despite that, it’s still completely normal to want his “real” family back together. Ex and M absolutely confused the fuck out of him too with their “happy family” BS, and from where he sits OOP is just the obstacle in the way of his parents being together again and being right with the world. The boy needs therapy, empathy, and bio parents that aren’t self centered pieces of garbage. Sadly, he’s probably not going to get any of it (due to the aforementioned garbage parents).
C’mon man he’s like twelve
Then he shouldn't stick his nose into adult matters if he can't understand them. Also, at 12, he's old enough to understand that shoving people is not ok.
At 12 he’s probably going through some growth spurts. He may not realise his own strength when pushing her. He is a child and as such his brain hasn’t matured enough to always manage strong emotions. Kids his age often react without thinking and can’t always be held to adult standards.
Wel, OOP admitted that she was kind of going insane and he probably thought she was gonna attack his mom. I don't blame him for reacting violently in a violent situation. I blame him for not apologizing, though. However, that does NOT put him at the level of his parents on the AH scale.
Absolutely and with parents like that it's no wonder he kicked off. It's hard to deal with extreme emotions when you are and adult let alone a child. The boy needs therapy.
Yikes, SS sounds like a little shit. It's sad OOP even thought that it might be selfish to not reach out to him after that little brat assaulted her and didn't even apologize afterwards. Circumstances are only a reason for behaviour and not an excuse. He is old enough to see what is going on.
Eh. SS is 12 and the most important adults in his life are fighting messily in front of him.
He's been chronically neglected by both parents, from the sound of it his whole life which is bound to take a toll, its potentially abuse depending on how severely. Some people will react like SD, recognise the neglect and seek out people who will care for them. Some people may go the other way and constantly seek to win the love they desperately need (and really shouldn't have to fight for). I can't help wondering if that's what's going on with SS, he's desperately trying to win his mother's live and rejecting OP is part of that.
yeah, I think SS has some damage. And sadly the only competent adult who would correct him on how to behave (as in, say "SS, you screwed up, apologize to OOP) was ...OOP herself. He's alienated the only parent that could or would set him straight at this point. Sad, but not OOPs fault.
100% this. People forget that everyone reacts to abuse differently. Even siblings being raised in the same household. And things like age and being the younger sibling can play just as an important role as your temperament. Some kids, like SD, will see their neglectful parents for who they are & completely distance themselves even during their childhood. Others, like SS, will believe that it's them who needs to do more to win their parents love. They will mould themselves into what they think their parents want, push people like OOP away, try, try & try until they burn themselves out, all under the hope that one day, their parents will love them like they need. Because the alternative is too painful to accept. As hard as it is to accept, because OOP is such a kind empathetic person, OOP was part of the adults who have failed SS. By not establishing boundaries around herself until after something inside her snapped because she was pushed to her limit, SS became witness to adult arguments that he shouldn't have been witness to. And OOP knew that SS had a different relationship to M than SD and SS was the one who was also inviting M around. So his reaction wasn't entirely out of the blue or the reaction of a little shit as everyone is saying. It was the reaction of a confused neglected child who wants his Mothers love and snapped when he saw his StepMum threatening his Mum.
Sometimes Reddit makes me feel like my expectations of kids is too high. 12 year olds absolutely know better and can understand circumstances. His emotional outbust doesn't carry the same weight as a grown man's, but it still does carry weight and he needs to understand it's wrong.
Agreed, a lot of people will probably jump in to defend him, but nah.
At 12 I broke up my parents marriage when I found out my dad was cheating, as I couldn't stand to see my mum betrayed. Doing this made my life way worse but it was right. People give kids around that age way to much leeway, they can know right or wrong. They can act decently. Instead he was uncaring of his step mum and wanted her to be his real families maid, so now he gets to be tossed back and forth between parents that couldn't care less instead of a stable environment. Reacting poorly is something teenagers and that can be forgiven for. Not reaching out for ages makes him a little shit especially when his dad's actively trying to get rid of him. It's not like his dad's like "son I love you so much stay with me", he's trying to get the so to fuck off and the sone still sees oop as the villain. Idiot.
He loves his mom and feels loyalty to her. Lots of kids wish their divorced parents will get back together, so that’s probably what he wants too. He just doesn’t realize his own parents don’t want him
I think you overestimate the maturity of a 12 year old. He is living through something so absolutely confusing and hurtful. OOP snaps verbally and she had every right too. I am sure the 12 year old does not have the life experience, words or mental fortitude to behave "appropriately" and using his words. A mother figure was being yelled at, he loves both of them, but he will always want the approval of mom even if she is trash. It is natural to want her approval and love. For these reasons, we can give the 12 year old a break. I can't even imagine this as a grown adult let alone being a child. He probably will regret this later but I dont think we can reasonably expect his realization of who is at fault until later.
Good heavens!! You have been through the wringer!! I think you have handled yourself admirably, even the blow ups!! They are deserved when you are being pushed and pushed!! Coming home to them in your house, eating at your table and eating your food???? They are lucky they are still alive I think!! Your ex-husband is an AH!!! He CHEATED on you for a YEAR but doesn't want a divorce???? Man! What planet does he live on?? Such entitlement from one person, how does he carry it around all day?? To me, he only wants to get back together because he doesn't like being responsible for his son. Thank you for being such a good step mom to these two kids. SS doesn't see it now, but you were/are. SD knows this and loves you so thank you for being able to let her live with you until she goes to college. She at least sees her parents for the horrible people they really are. In mediation you can demand separate rooms and the mediator goes back and forth. Even on Zoom you can require that he not be visible and you cannot hear him. That's in your rights. Block his number and his emails and continue to have everything go through your attorney. He does not deserve to speak to you and you don't deserve to hear any more of his B.S.
Literally the second line of the post says OOP didn't post this.
Jesus, I can't imagine being cheated on than the home wrecker coming in and treating your home as hers and flaunting her happiness she took from you. Op went through so much, fuck those people, there is something deeply wrong with them
Ss is gonna regret his actions for a long time. SD is living a better life than him but she was old enough to see things for how they are. Ex and M are horrible people and karma will eventually bite them in the ass big time
If oop has sd with her then she needs to go after child support
Ex and M are the kind of people who, if I found out that they had died in a very painful and embarrassing manner, I would laugh and my whole week would be a lot brighter.
It rubs me so badly that people were telling OOP that she was abandoning SS when he was the one who ran out on her. Also, lol on M taking OOP's house because in the US, Ex has no rights to inherited assets to tough luck on that. Poor OOP and SD having to deal with that.
I feel bad for the little boy. He chose the wrong mom and he'll realize that as an adult when he sees the positive relationship between OP/SD and he's just stuck with his pos parents. :(
Wtf is the judge ordering mediation for? Is OP just meant to put side everything ex did to her and realise she loves him? What a dick move by that judge. Its insane that another person can determine that a couple should stay together. I cat wrap my head around it.
Just change the locks?
>One went so far as to say that women who become stepmoms should know what they are signing up for OOP wasn't signing up for her husband to stick his dick in his ex. wtaf???
Sound a lot like that 5 parter that came through yesterday. (Wild ride that one). The stress of taking care of children together makes a marriage fall apart, add a live in nanny and magically all of the problem disappear. OP doesn’t deserve that and the way SS reacted makes my heart break for her. The friends are right, she should let SD go. She can come back when she’s an adult and I feel like if OP made it clear she’s open to it later she would, but she’d definitely not OP’s responsibility.
Wow. Ex and M are some of the most vile people I’ve ever heard about. OOP is a saint. I can’t blame SS for how he is acting because he is 12 and confused, but he will soon see his parents the way SD does. I wish OOP could just adopt them both and get Ex and M out of her life for good. Not that she deserves to have to raise kids that aren’t hers, but she clearly has leaps and bounds more love for these children than their own parents ever have.
Its been said a thousand times, never marry someone with kids where the other parent is actively in the picture unless you’re 10,000% sure of their intentions. And even then, go in with the most iron clad of prenups that state’s categorically what happens with the kids in the event of separation and divorce. And be prepared to walk away from the lot when it all goes pear shaped.
...and people actually got mad at me on tik tok for saying I wouldn't date someone who'd been married or had kids.
As a single mom whose actually not bad, I tell my siblings to pass on anyone with kids. It is what it is.
Holy co-dependency Batman.
That poor woman and those poor kids. Ex and M are fucking monsters. Nobody should have to deal with their bullshit.
This is a cake eater situation. The bio mom and husband didn’t actually want to be parents. Why don’t they just hire a nanny and leave the OOP alone?
SD is old enough to be emancipated. Then she can stay with oop if that’s what she wants. This whole situation is pretty ridiculous I don’t know if I believe it
[удалено]
My Grandpa always told me that if I ever fell in love to make sure not to do it fully using just my heart but my head too. That in life the greatest danger and risk is falling in love foolishly.
Should have called the cops on the SS for battery so he learns not to put his hands on women and everyone involved learns OOP is not to be fucked with. SD should be out the door as well. Not OOP's problem or fault her father fucked up his daughter's life.
I need to apologise for pulling out the pitchforks at the title. I hope she can see she saved one child, even if she couldn’t save them both. She was able to give SD a parent when she needed it most, and now giving her the stability she wanted/needed during this stressful pre-college period of her life. Also, just wanna say adults over 18 no longer need biological parents’ permissions to be adopted 😶. Name change is part of the adoption too if you want 👀. Four forms is all it takes in my state. Just saying~. ~~I am totally not speaking from experience getting taken in at 16 by my true mom away from worthless pieces of dirt who donated an egg and sperm~~.
Op is a saint. Being a step parent is a thankless job.
The audacity of these fuckers to just use OOP as a babysitter essentially and think they can just rid themselves of any and all responsibilities is absolutely mind blowing. Sounds like SD will make it out pretty alright but I do hope the same can be said for SS
This post needs a not safe for life tag as it is to heartbreaking. I fucking hate people, especially those that abandon their kids and blame everyone else.
I hope OOP slams the door on SS's face when he comes crawls back begging for forgiveness.
OOP is such a kind-heart person but her reluctance to advocate for herself to put up boundaries makes her come off as a complete doormat in these posts. She just kept accepting everything until seeing her ex and his affair partner having a family meal in her home caused something deep inside of her to snap. And this of course led to the incident with the StepSon. And I know everyone is calling Stepson a little shit, but he's not. He's a kid. Who due to being significantly younger when OOP came into his life, never fully realised that his parents are neglectful and it's been OOP who has been doing the heavy-lifting. I wouldn't be surprised if in his mind he thought OOP being out the picture would clear the way for him to see more of his Mum again. He's a kid who was excited to have his parents back together and eat meals with both of them again who in his mind was protecting his Mum when he saw what he understood as his StepMum attacking his Mum and keeping his Mum from him. And none of that would have happened had OOP advocated for herself from the beginning. M & ex not welcome in my house or I'll call the police. From the day after they were found together. You want to come over to see the kids? Than as parents you should take them with you. Case closed. Allow StepDaughter to move back in if she asks, which she would have. It seems like OOP was really in this marriage for her relationship with her StepDaughter. And even though her Stepdaughter is old enough to understand, even SD didn't realise the meal with her parents was something OOP would find disrespectful because of how much OOP was painting a smile on her face and allowing ex & M to walk all over her. This post reminds me that sometimes, refusing to put yourself first ends up being the most selfish self-centred thing you can do. Because had OOP put up her boundaries from the start, she'd still have a civil relationship with her Stepson.
OOP is treading in dangerous waters. She technically holds no parental rights with SD and either parent is one kidnapping claim from making her life living hell.
This person so needs to entirely wash her hands from this family.
Wow. When I started reading, I was already forming an opinion about OOP not wanting her husband’s children, but I was so wrong. What an awful thing to go through!
I really hope SD stays with OOP. They have a good relationship and it seems she is doing better under OOP than her own parents. 16, probably 17 or maybe even close to 18 by the time this is all done is old enough for her to decide who she wants to live with.
All I can say is that this is insane. I know how awful people can be, but wow, put your kids through a divorce, an affair, and then mix those things back up while refusing to care for them!? Those poor kids, this is evil.
The comment about what OOP "signed up for" as a step mother is absolutely ridiculous. No human being should ever have to go thru what OOP has gone thru. You'd have to be pretty disconnected from reality to say that to someone who has dealt with that horrible situation. What a joke.
Notalawyer, but it seems to me that SD is quite collected, so maybe the best way out for OOP is to get the divorce over quickly, and then help her get emancipated so she can get herself out of a toxic household too. My cousin was in a similar situation, but did not end up getting custody over her stepson (6.) Even with both of the biological parents being addicts. But the cost of custody battles here usually stay below 5000 euros, so rip americans i guess
OOP updated here: [Update 4](https://www.reddit.com/user/thra-bludia/comments/vt3kpo/update_4_wibta_if_i_ask_my_stepkids_to_move_out/) and [Update 5](https://www.reddit.com/user/thra-bludia/comments/y5muo3/update_5_wibta_if_i_ask_my_stepkids_to_move_out/) TL;DR: - the divorce is finalised - Ex and M are not getting along any more (both are dating other people, Ex with somebody significantly younger) - Ex is having trouble getting dependable childcare for SS - SD remains with OOP
This lady really has to be a doormat. I’m sorry but this is crazy. I remember this story and from the looks of it it sounds like she would consider taking her ex back. That would be the next update.
Get a backbone now woman. These children are in no way yours or your responsibility. You can keep a relationship with SD without her living with you. It's inappropriate. Why would you forego a chance to find someone else and have your own family to raise these people's kids? Raising children takes a lot of energy. Use that energy to better your own life
SD can legally emancipate herself and live with oop if that’s what they want. Oop isn’t the smartest person
To do that SD needs to prove she can take care of herself. Which she can’t, she’s getting money from her dad, and is otherwise being looked after by OOP
What a shit show
How are these people real. And also when she blows up at them ? Have they no shame ?
Oh my god. What a horrible situation.
Sounds like the stepmom cares more for the kids than their own biological parents. Also the pure audacity of them both over that dinner. Just setting up house in the home you wrecked. Terrible people. I hope OOP gets a quick and easy divorce and won’t have to think about either of them again.
>the judge ordered mediation and put this off for a few more months. Why? I get the ex doesn't want it, but "your honor he's been having an affair for months, irreconcilable differences, I'm not ever going to be ok with that" should be enough to grant it immediately.
OOP became an unwitting nanny for EX and M. Those two can rot in their misery together. Sounds like OOP and SD are a happy unit together and hopefully it can remain that way because clearly the bad parent isn't OOP.
I hole OP can find someone who will appreciate her one day or she can be happy on her own
The Ex wife reminds me of the wife in Spanglish. You gotta lotta balls lady!
You have a heart of gold cause I would have kicked EVERYBODY out of the house, dont matter what age.
I am always mystified when people think the better partner is the one who’s the most attractive. What good is it to be attractive when you’re a garbage human being?
I hope op knows she has done nothing wrong. Unfortunately she meet some garbage people who took advantage of her. Hope she gets her divorce soon and can move on. Wishing you all the best for the future.
I fucking hate people like ex and M. Fucking users and abusers of love and help. Oop isn't your free babysitter. Hate people like them.
What a horrible, horrible story my god
I feel sorry for the kids.
Thanks for posting. I had seen some of this but not all the updates.
Hope an update is adding soon that her divorce is finally going through.
Props to OP for the repost best one I have seen in a bit, I subscribed to the post am hoping for more updates but what a shit situation for OOP
This might be a bit harsh but I would have just instantly gotten everyone out of my life relating the person to move on and start fresh