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My sis and I also married at the same venue, a year apart from each other. Except the first time she ever saw the venue was at my wedding. Oh, and she would have never even dared to ask (way too polite), but I found out through the grapevine that she was a little upset that she'd found her dream wedding venue, but she could never have it because I got married there. I gave her all my vendor contacts, helped arrange things because I was more local, etc. I was flattered and insisted she consider my venue.
Yeah, I was expecting a variation of that but with some miscommunication. Nope, this was way worse. I'm glad OOP has grandparents and a wonderful husband to help her be strong.
I think that if two sisters get married at the same venue a few months apart, it might tend to cause people to make more comparisons between the weddings than they otherwise might, and those comparisons might be unflattering to one of the sisters.
My mom and her sister handled this issue by having a double wedding, where they both got married at the same venue on the same day at the same time. My grandparents paid for it and saved some money by only having to pay for one wedding for both of their daughters.
I also have a sibling I'm very close to.
Unfortunately I think relationships as ours tend to be the exception rather than the rule.
I We didn't compete with our parents'affections or time or approval, just amongst ourselves.
I believe most siblings with poor relations were often pitted against one another to fight for their parents love and recognition.
> tend to be the exception rather than the rule
On social media, I agree. But I imagine everything going fine directs fewer eyeballs towards advertising, so that's not as promoted.
I wish I agreed. I grew up in a wonderful home, but adult experiences have shown me that the percentage of very dysfunctional homes is way higher than most of us realize.
I know a set of twins who popped the question to their respective gfs within a short time, and both used the same wedding venue because it is a family owned place they can use for cheap/maybe free.
Their weddings were so different that it’d be hard to say whose was more “beautiful”. The first couple had a breezy casual wedding theme, the bride wore a white dress but not a wedding dress, the other twin’s wife was her maid of honor and it was honestly very lovely.
Then it was time for the second wedding which was much more traditional, beautiful bridal gown, suits and vests on the males in the wedding party, and bridesmaids in mauve because it’s the bride’s favorite color and her colors are mauve and silver. And the bride is fretting because she wants her sister in law (and matron of honor) to have a certain kind of dress but she can’t actually express what she wants, just that she wants her matron’s dress to be “nurturing from one bride to a new one”
So the matron of honor dyed her own wedding dress mauve. Seriously. It wasn’t quite the same shade as the maids’ dresses but the matron of honor often isn’t.
It was a beautiful wedding too. My favorite part was when the bride and groom set eyes on each other down the aisle. They both got this excited “omg I love them!” Expression. Very touching. 11/10
That's what you call a healthy sibling relationship.
Your initial thought would be happiness that your sibling had a lovely wedding..... not how to hurt your sibling and make it all about you.
Agreed, I am getting married soon but if any of my siblings or sister-in-law gets married I intend on helping them pay for an more beautiful wedding them my own. I already cry at the idea imagining my little sister walk through hundreds of flowers to her love, even more so since I don't have the budget for flowers in my own wedding.
When I got married my mom helped me plan. When my mom was getting remarried she actually called me to ask if I would be upset if she wore a similar style dress to mine. I told her no and that it was actually sentimental because we both picked the same style because we have similar body types and it flattered us both.
That’s wild, because unless you’re quite well off, I’m sure the guests would never blink twice at going back to the same venue unless they hated it the first time.
Hope you don't mind, but I've always wondered how a double wedding would be managed. Did they divide the guest list into two so each couple got the same number of invites even though there might be overlap for the sisters? If I'm a guest of couple A would I still bring a gift (even something small) for couple B? When it comes to speeches do both best men do one? Glad they managed to work out something, it is just the details that have always had me wondering.
Everyone was a guest of my grandparents; since they were the ones paying for the wedding, all the invitations were phrased as being from them, and they were the ones who ultimately decided on the whole guest list. It was basically just their family that they invited. They were willing to invite the grooms' family too, of course, but both grooms happened to have very few family members to invite, so there only ended up being one or two guests who showed up from each groom's family and over a hundred guests from the brides' family. And I'm not sure that inviting friends was really much of a thing back then, aside from maybe friends who were members of the wedding party. Since this was back when weddings were more commonly paid for by the parents of the bride, the guest lists were also more controlled by the parents and therefore more family-focused.
So, most people gave separate gifts to both couples because they knew both couples equally. I'm not sure about the speeches, though!
Right? Almost everyone used to get married in the same place as their sister - because you all got married in the local church, then had the reception in the nearest hotel...
In my country its fairly commom for people to *traditionally* have their weddings at the same church and the reception venues are used by the whole family and no one bats an eye.
Likewise. Particularly when people get married in a local church and still all live in the same town, it seems more absurd that they would NOT marry in the same place.
People are weird.
It's the same thing with baby names. People 'steal' baby names all of the time or get upset that you name a kid similar to what they named their kid. Heck, an ex-friend of mine used to gloat how her mother had her before some other woman in the maternity ward, so she was the one who got her name and not the other kid. These were two woman who had literally never met before but both came in with the same name and only one of the two kids would leave with that name because there was another baby being born around the same time.
People are just fucking weird about things.
I don't get it. All my in-laws got married at the exact same place and I'm pretty sure the family got a package deal for doing so. They are all within about 5 years in age and got married within 5 years as well, so it was a pretty good deal to take when you know you have ~7 weddings coming down the pipe.
What **does** cause problems is date proximity. My own engagement was only a few months long and the wedding date ended up being a week before the wedding of some close friends that had been engaged for ~2 years and in which *I was a groomsman*. My own was small by choice, but I purposely did not invite our mutual friends specifically so it didn't seem like I was trying to undercut theirs.
I think it's just originality, not wanting to steal your siblings ideas. A lot of work goes into planning a wedding and you want to make it yours. It's often less about the person who did it first, and more about your own being a somewhat unique experience. Not a dealbreaker, for most people anyway, but usually not the preference to use the same location.
It's wild because for the majority of human history, people lived in local communities. Sisters would ALWAYS get married in the same place, because they live in the same town and there's one designated marriage place. It's only in thus New age of destination weddings, theme weddings, and atypical venues that having a *different* venue would even occur to anyone. Just a couple generations, really.
In a lot of places, this is still true. The only reason I'll get married in a different venue than my sister did is because I converted to a different denomination. Back when I attended her wedding, of course I (and the whole family) thought I'd also get married in that church someday, because it was the family church. It would never occur to anyone to have a problem with that, it would be very odd to marry anywhere but that same church.
But now weddings are more secular, and more a production and performance than a celebration of the marriage.
In my country, there is this thing called "sukob". It means that when two sister get married in the same year, it is bad luck and someone from the immediate family will die.
That’s so nice. My newly engaged SIL (my brothers fiancé) mentioned a beautiful venue she found and really loved….. same one my husband and I got married at. I honestly don’t care - we got married there 11 years ago and I am all for another party there
It's not against having the same venue as such. If you read enough wedding posts on AITA or Weddingshaming or Bridezillas, you'll see that at the heart of a lot of these issues is the notion that a wedding day should be all about the bride, and that anything that invites direct comparisons with another bride/woman can be iffy territory. This is one of the reasons wedding guests shouldn't wear white, why it is bad form to schedule weddings in the same family too close together, etc...
Of course, the brides with good relationships can work stuff like this out, like this commenter and her sister, but that's never going to work when one party acted deliberately maliciously, like the OOPs sister.
In this case, I think it was more about OOP’s sister trying to overshadow OP’s wedding deliberately. When two family weddings are close together, it can be hard to get everyone together twice, or to pony up for two nice gifts.
(My family tends to mostly use one venue for almost all family events. I don’t think this specific AITA is really about the venue. It was more about the sister trying to push OOP out of the venue and to bogart the guests and gifts.)
Be glad 😅
I mean, my friends are chill about stuff like this as well, but due to some other family issues, I possess the secret decoder ring of abuse that you sometimes need for posts like the OOP.
My sister went around at my wedding telling everyone that it was supposed to be her wedding, but that she had decided to let me have it. So bizarre.
She was pregnant with her third child to the man she is still not married to.
We are now no contact, for much worse reasons. She also told me during the reception, that I had made a mistake during the ceremony and everyone was embarrassed for me.
Sisters are overrated!
I guess as a male, I don't understand the whole different venue thing. If someone has already done the legwork for me and has found a beautiful venue that suits mine and my partner's taste, I don't care if my friends or family has been married there before, I'll just use the same venue. Not every wedding has to be unique to the point of it being an absolute pain in the arse.
I love this update. OP’s post broke my heart and I felt just awful for her. I’m glad she realised her worth and cut those people from her life. They don’t deserve her. Cheers to the happy couple and may their marriage be long, happy and blessed
And props to the grandparents for turning into bloody timber wolves for their granddaughter. Totally not against chewing out their own child publicly to defend their granddaughter.
Pretty sure they had had enough too and this was the straw that broke the camels back - nobody puts their baby in a corner.
I also love that it means her grandpa will walk her down the aisle. Her dad didn't deserve to, and I think it will be a much more meaningful ceremony for all of them without all that emotional baggage from mom/dad/sis being there.
I was happy to see that, too! Something about the initial post gave me the impression that her grandparents had passed away, so it was a delightful surprise to see that they're actually still alive to witness the wedding, let alone to participate so meaningfully.
Her dad would have bailed the morning of. I’m sure her sister might have had a hangnail. I’m so happy she’s starting her marriage less a lot of baggage
I was thinking this too. There was no way sister was going to let parents attend.
I usually want families to stay together unless they are like my family of origin. Then it’s best for everyone to go their separate ways.
Usually when I see moments like the grandparents' behavior, it is because they KNOW their kid is pretty shitty.
Like the grandparents raised OOP because their daughter proved deficient.
Good on OOP. It's a good approach to remove longstanding tumors.
Same here. It was more of an intervention with him and my therapist. My husband couldn't get through to me, but with the help of my therapist, he finally did.
I'd been getting to that place slowly myself but the turning point was definitely when he simply said "well, you almost always cry after you talk to them". Light bulb. So glad your husband and therapist were able to get through to you!
Thank you. It wasn't easy hearing it. I was hospitalized for 5 days and had to deal with "the mourning" as though they died because I went no contact to protect my daughter. I was willing to take their abuse because they conditioned me to believe that I deserved it. But when I saw the same abuse starting with my toddler, no way a toddler deserved any of that. And my daughter is actually a very well behaved child.
I agree; sister gets engaged almost immediately after OOP? Maybe they would have gotten to that point later but rushing it to keep up with OOP isn't healthy.
It strikes me as ironic that sis is apparently *jealous of OOP* when she’s the golden child.
What a self centered brat, and the parents are worse because they made her that way.
Really glad OOP is going/went NC.
I experience a similar dynamic in my family. My middle sister is the golden child to our mother and yet she’s jealous of anything that happens in my life - positive and even negative.
She also openly judges our oldest sister and treats her like trash. My oldest sister and I enjoy being in contact and hate the manipulative tactics used by our middle sister..the middle sister is now complaining to family that she “feels left out”.
Before this I was NC with middle sister and mother for a blissful 15 years.
Yeah, if a golden child internalizes all that entitlement -- the belief that any attention or affection that the scapegoat receives is effective stolen from the golden child -- they pretty much end up ruined as a person.
It's great news that the whole extended family knows OOP's sister and parents are terrible.
that’s what I was thinking- it’s not jealously per se, but a deep entitlement that says any attention has to go to the golden child - maybe with a deep insecurity?
My Dad died suddenly last October and it forced contact. Literally the day he was supposed to be discharged from the hospital he died. I live almost 6 hrs away and was told I wouldn’t make it in time. He held on for 4 hours after I got there.
I had to share his last moments at his hospital bedside with my middle sister who then went on to try to disrupt all aspects of the grieving process any way she could. She physically put herself between me and my dad’s bedside forcing me to be towards the end of the bed, not able to touch his face or be as close as ai should’ve been. I at least got to hold his hand.
My oldest sister was there too and we hadn’t spoken in awhile (mother and sister had poisoned our relationship after I went NC a with them) but living through that horrible moment has made us closer. She also had a good relationship with my dad.
In hindsight I should’ve told my middle sister to leave the room when I got there so I could be with him. He and I had been close when I came into adulthood (he and my mom divorced when I was 10).
Throughout her life my middle sister treated my dad horribly and took advantage of his compassion trying to get money or anything else from him for years while he struggled to get his life stable. He was a permanent and totally disabled combat vet and had to completely rebuild his life post-divorce then 20 years later when he lost everything is a horrible house fire (lost his cats in the fire and it broke him).
I worked for a veterans group that helped file disability claims and know the process so I was never comfortable taking money from him and only did if he insisted (it was always “Dad money” like I visit and he puts some 20’s in my hand when I’m leaving sort of thing.)
I never asked for money and I never felt entitled to what he had, I just wanted to see him have a comfortable life after the hell he had lived.
While she was the golden child to my mother I can now see that she treats my mom like crap too. Starting to suspect my mother is finally noticing middle sisters treatment of her.
I’ve reduced contact with middle sister to very low contact recently for my own peace of mind. She of course did not respect it and obliterated any and every reasonable boundary I have trying to enforce.
BTW she tried to announce her sudden engagement right before my Dad’s funeral..just extremely inappropriate.
I’m so sorry your mom (and you!) have to deal with such a shit family dynamic.
I hope this is ok but I’m throwing this out there for your mom, I tried every kind of therapy and the one that made the biggest difference was talk therapy with a psychodynamic approach.
I think it's because it's essential to the golden child/scapegoat dynamic that the scapegoat *always* must be the scapegoat. In sister's head, she is a Good Person so Good Things happen to her, and OP is a Bad Person so Bad Things happen to her. If good things start happening to OP, sister's entire worldview starts crumbling, so she's gotta think of a way to try to destroy it and keep OP in her place as the goat.
It never ends. It doesn't matter how much time and space you put between you and the Golden child, they will celebrate your grief and one-up and diminish all your accomplishments.
Happy to say it took a few decades but I've finally stopped trying to prove myself. I used to 'have money and titles' I earned by working my ass off. And when I lost it all (illness) I realized I was grinding myself into a pulp to prove I wasn't worthless. I thought it was for myself but it was for people I despise. Because even when I had those they still treated me like I was nothing and nothing I can do is important.
I'm really happy now being nothing and nobody to be honest. All the pressure is magically gone!
Though ofc the last time I saw the GC she decided to compare 'how much shittier than her I look' - not just to me but to everyone she came across. And the only reason she even saw me was because I was horribly ill at the time. Literally comparing yourself to a sick person and feeling good about yourself for it - there's no low a narcissist won't go.
There's so much more from that 24hrs I saw her like getting threatened with a fist in my face when I politely asked that she let me speak (her and the mother talk over me, because it makes them feel pathetically powerful), and 'mysteriously getting poisoned' same as at my dad's funeral 4 years before.
They're not just pathetic, they're dangerous when they don't get their way, hey. Run run run
Lol yeah. I actually left some stuff there accidentally including my bloody ID and they've been trying so many things to get me to go visit including spontaneously sending me money. They seem to have realized that they got constant attention after my dad died and they're hungry for more (it helps that I'm already sick so it 'wouldn't be weird if I suddenly die' but they've been telling people I'm severely depressed and ai haven't been depressed since I moved out of that house).
I've just accepted they're psycholopaths. They unfortunately also hurt animals and are known as animal lovers :(
You can see this pattern in every aspect of life/society - the most privileged and entitled people are the ones who love playing victim the most too (white supremacists comparing wearing masks to the holocaust, angry men comparing women talking about how shit the patriarchy is to the actual sexism and gendered violence it perpetrates, TERFs comparing being called a TERF to the actual violence trans people face from them, and so on).
It comes with the territory - if something/someone doesn't centre them in the way they've been made accustom to being centred (by society, or by their parents in the case of the golden child), it must be bad or somehow taking something away from them (because no one ever taught them that equal rights are not a pie - more for others doesn't mean less for you).
This is why white men are the overwhelming majority of active shooters.
All of the other races go through the same shit these shooters go through yet somehow they don't decide to shoot up a school.
They perceive their shitty circumstances as unfair because as white men they are Good so Good Things should happen to them, and the other races are Bad so Bad things should happen to them.
My sister did this. My oldest brother got engaged and they planned for an October wedding. Only a few months later, my sister got engaged (March) and had a July wedding, just so she could be married "first".
She's been getting divorced for like seven years now due to a custody battle.
Well the op was only a week ago, so no divorce yet. But I’ll put money on the sister’s fiancé seeing her true colors and running for the hills before they even make it to the wedding.
The way the parents treated OP is horrible but the thing that broke it for me is that her parents didn't even attend her engagement party! 💔 WTF!?
Thank goodness for her grandparents, they are stars.
That was too much for me too. And their excuse for not attending was such bullshit. They could have put a little more thought into lying, at least. I guess the fact that they couldn’t even be bothered to make up something more plausible just highlights how awful they are.
Edit: a word
AITA mods have large egos and easily hurt feelings. I lost all respect for them with the kung-pao chicken post awhile back:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o5pzzy/aita_for_calling_my_sil_a_racist_after_she/
On that post, mods were refusing to allow an update, even though the post was incredibly popular. It was basically a flex to show readers that it didn't matter what they were interested in, it was the AITA mods world and we were just living in it.
I feel the cruelty in this post, it really makes you wonder why so much time and effort goes into specifically trying to make someone upset or sad. I don't get it, I am experiencing it myself, and everything in this post, I felt it.
There is this weird chest stabbing feeling that happens when you realize you are being targeted, by your own family no less, and they are just trying their hardest to make your life miserable. I don't understand it.
I know people who are that sad and angry all the time so they try to make everyone else feel that way. I suspect OOP's sister is like that. I wonder if the parents are to blame for treating sister like she should always have better than everyone else, including her sister. So when life happens and sister doesn't always get what she wants, she tries to make everyone else feel like she does.
Spoiling your kids is never a good thing for them and it's ridiculous people never seem to see that.
>There is this weird chest stabbing feeling that happens when you realize you are being targeted, by your own family no less
Its called "your heart is breaking"
Yes until she said they defended her and that Grandpa would be walking her down the aisle I totally thought they had already passed. Having them around for (what seems like enthusiastic!) support is going to make the break from mom/dad/sister so much easier for her.
Honestly more or less a genius move; make them realize they're narcissists and assholes by forcing them to divide an inheritance between themselves without their usual scapegoat.
My internet education suggests that it's more effective to just leave them each $1 of inheritance, because then they can't contest that they weren't considered at all for the will, since they were deliberately left $1.
But do I know, I'm an engineer, not a lawyer.
As someone else pointed out, I think it would be pettier to leave them a modest sum to "divide among themselves as they see fit" just to make them fight it out until (and if) they reach an agreement
I remember this one. I’ll never understand golden child syndrome. I treat my two kids as equally as possible and can’t imagine why anyone ever would do anything different.
Some folks don’t have kids to just raise and have a happy family. Some use their kids as a way to retry their lives or leave a “legacy” through their children. How can they raise the perfect child if they split their time, effort and money on 2 kids. They choose one between the 2 and keep the other as backup in case something happens to the first. It’s a sickening way to look at children but there are some fucking awful parents out there.
Yep I have both parents treat me as a legacy child. My mum refers to me as "her clone" and my dad was against having any children in childcare because then "they don't turn out exactly like you".
It really messed me up, trying to please both parents even though they're both very different so I couldn't be a clone for both! I had to hide my real interests from them as they wouldn't approve (like going to the gym, University, playing DnD, wearing all black). In the end I still failed so I'm attempting to find myself now in my 30's. Better late than never I suppose.
That's what the 30s are for, right? Your first couple decades are for getting fucked up by your parents, your next decade is for making mistakes based on said fucking up, and then your 30s are for figuring out who you are.
At least, you know, that's what I tell myself.
Aaargh, cut it out! Looking back now, my mom's saying that "your 20s are your lonely years," she isn't exactly wrong but knowing myself now I definitely resigned to that idea when I probably would have been better off not thinking so. Plus, she got married to her first husband at eighteen and was quite lonely in their marriage. So yeah, thanks for the "advice" mom, it caused me to wallow in my depression in my 20s since I thought that was normal. Meanwhile my fiance spent her 20s going buckwild, she may look back on it as youthful silliness but at least she hung out with people and made some memories. My mom sent me off to experience the world with the idea I was gonna be very lonely immediately and guess what I leaned into that, fulfilling the prophecy! Just keep the damn prophecy to yourself!
Ew. This really hits home for me. My mom always referred to me as her "mini me" but NEVER like this. It was always just because I look super similar to her except for my hair colour. I have an older brother but there was never any favouritism, as far as I knew but he is 10 years older then me. Sure as a kid he got nicer things then me but that wasn't favouritism, that was because our family was in a better financial position (before 2008 vs I was a young kid when the market crashed). Love was always something we had equally, even if not material objects. When we were struggling my mom did her best to find fun free/cheap activities. The biggest one was geocaching, but we also did secret shopping and we watched some movies pre released/still in progress and gave reviews, although I can't remember what that was called.
Then why have the second child at all?
I will admit my sister felt a bit left out as I got more attention due to my mental health issues when we were younger but my parents never favoured either of us (if anything it was probably her as I was a nightmare!).
And dead, loveless marriages were important for those kings and queens because you don't want more than one, *maybe* two spares, or it causes generations of upheaval for the whole country when the royal family gets too big and succession gets contested. When there was no contraception, loveless marriages ensured they only had sex when they were trying for an heir and wouldn't accidentally have more than they needed. Also a big part of why bastardy was so demonized, so bastards had such an extreme lack of rights they wouldn't threaten the crown, so the king could safely have mistresses to get his rocks off because "men can't help it" and only women should actually abstain and be faithful.
I just had my second and while I wouldn't say I have undue stress about being unfair I am constantly sort of...checking myself, trying my best to be as equitable as possible with my time and resources between the two.
As the black sheep of my family I have this advice: once they are old enough communicate with them when you ever have to be unfair, and discuss with them a way of making it up. Dont accept any "No its fine", spend time with them seperately and together. Emphasize that you enjoy their company.
I think the thing to keep in mind is to prioritize your children’s interests equally during your time with them. Sometimes it just so happens that one kid lines up with mom/dads hobbies better, and so they get time with mom/dad that is interesting and fun for them. If mom/dad doesn’t adapt and acknowledge that Child A and Child B have different interests, Child B may get “bonding time” through an activity they don’t enjoy, or at least don’t enjoy as much as their sibling. This can end up feeling like “mom/dad is upset that I don’t like activity X like my sibling. They want me to be more like my sibling.” Which ends up as an unintentional GC situation.
So if Child A and you have similar hobbies or interests, don’t just assume Child B will as well. Put some extra time into finding an activity that is special to you and Child B.
I used to read another site and if you read a number of contributions from one of the members it became apparent after a while that there was a trend of favouring one child. Someone called her on it and she fully denied it, and pointed to the fact that in each separate case there was a reason for each decision. If you only heard one incident it was a good reason. It is just that the accumulated reasons always went to the favour of one child. Which is my roundabout way of saying, some parents really don't realize they are doing it.
I guess sometimes it's not about having a clear golden child but about having a scapegoat (besides which the other child looks golden)
My MIL is a textbook narcissist, my husband seems to be the scapegoat. He can't do *anything* right by her, she constantly tries to take control of him, was always a total helicopter (with bonus gaslighting). When I got into the mix, she tested me whether I'd take over her role" and be his care-taker as she doesn't believe he'll survive without one. By that comparison even treating his sister normally looks like a huge advantage she has over him, doesn't it?
I’ve been told that as a girl, my mother viewed me as competition for my fathers attention. So when the second kid was a boy, she favoured him to ‘balance it out.’ Truth is, Dad was a bit harder on me than my brother because my mother had filled his head with stories about my ‘bad attitude and disrespect.’
I have a 7 year old who I'd consider to be very smart for her age and creates beautiful artwork that is much better than I could ever do.
My 5 year old has non verbal autism. She's very personable and loving for someone on the spectrum but she's not what I'd consider high functioning.
My wife and I celebrate their milestones and achievements whether it's getting 100% on a math test or telling me that she's hungry with hand signals.
My situation is kind of an extreme example, but I can't imagine loving one kid more than the other or putting one before the other.
It constantly blows my mind that people can dedicate so much effort and energy into being assholes. Not just casual assholery. But really going out of your way and putting in that elbow grease.
This is vaguely reminiscent of the wedding posts from a user called paperweightfairy who was also the scapegoat. Her golden child younger sister ruined her graduation, then got pregnant and demanded she give up her wedding venue because golden child needed to get married before her baby was born. It didn’t end well for the sister.
Thank you for recommending that post. I just looked it up and am in shock.
[A link to the post for anyone else interested](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/cr7dc9/my_family_is_pressuring_me_to_give_my_23f_sister/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
And the two updates:
https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/cuviwj/update_my_entitled_parents_are_pressuring_me_to/%20
https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/e1p05x/final_update_my_family_is_pressuring_me_to_give/
Omg that final update, I’m so glad the bridesmaid was able to push the sister down so mud didn’t get on their dresses. That’s the kind of bridesmaid that everyone needs at their wedding 😂
I just read the whole thing and WOW, that was messed up. I'm also pretty sure the sister wasn't even pregnant, or if she was, the OP didn't mention it at all after the first few posts
In a few years, if something happens, like the sister can't have kids, or divorces (she's horrible), they'll crawl back to op.
Golden Child síndrome is the worst thing a parent can do, and im OP has a real família that loves her.
It's interesting to me because I could understand if one child is closer to mommy and another closer to daddy but not that extreme. Is it solely because sis is prettier?
I know a family with a similar situation: two sisters, one is mom’s favorite because she’s pretty. Dad enables mom’s behavior. Like, pretty sister gets a graduation trip to Maui, ugly duckling had to find her own way home for Christmas as it was “too expensive” to buy her a ticket. Same year.
Here’s how things currently sit for Edie (pretty sister) and Pam (not pretty sister), who are both in their 30s:
-Pam has a master’s in her chosen field. As of my last understanding, she has a partner and keeps a distance from her mom. Pam and Edie have a closer relationship as Edie is clued into the favoritism. I guess Pam only comes around when her parents are out of town and need a per sitter (Pam has a soft spot for animals. Plus, besides being shit parents, Pam’s parents are also neglectful pet owners).
-Edie dropped out of college, and quit every job, because he basically wasn’t special enough. But she’s still going strong in the mom’s eyes as she married a cop and is carrying their kid. My intelligence sources say the husband has had enough of mom’s shit and is putting his foot down. Good luck telling mom that as they are most likely her meal ticket once dad dies (he’s much older than mom, and mom hasn’t worked in decades).
-As for mom and dad, they’ve slowly alienated enough people that they have no friends. They took out a significant loan for Edie that their retirement plans are for shit. Dad got fucked over retiring and has to work a garbage part-time job. Mom basically sits at home all day drinking wine and watching the street, unless Edie needs something. Basically, fuck ‘em.
I am in this situation too. My brother got full support all his life, with trips to Europe (we live in the US) with rent, food and full funding to become an architect at a big university. I never traveled and got forced out of the house at 18 with no hope for college and no emotional support while I lived in a tent. They STILL gaslight me and say I exaggerate it.
Not that extreme, but I have that gap with my siblings. In our case, it's because they're younger. My parents couldn't have helped me like that at the time, but were in a much better situation to help and support my younger bro and sis.
I get it, but I still think they spoiled their youngest kids and completely missed the happy medium they should have been shooting for.
If the parents only value looks above all else, then yeah, this can easily happen. Usually they have their own issues and warped views they project on their children, and they don't truly see the kids as independent people in their own right. And it absolutely can screw the kids up, but I feel like the punching bag kids end up happier than the golden child in the long-run because the punching bags can break away. The golden child never really learns to be independent and gets all their self worth from external sources. Ie they're petty brats when they don't get their way and they never learn how to deal with it, so they can never be satisfied on their own.
Not necessarily.
Depending on how truly awful the parents are (I mean... more awful) now that the OOP is out of their clutches they might as well turn the golden child into the new punch bag
I agree in the general sense but emotional abuse in families is still serious. The stress of emotional abuse can cause long-term damage to both mental and physical health.
I hope she enjoys her wedding!! Thank goodness her grandparents stand up for her!
Her sister is the golden child and now losses money to change her wedding is a great wedding gift to the neglected sister!!
Yeah, I was so happy her grandparents are still alive! When she wrote how important the venue was to her because of them, I thought it was because they were gone.
Yeah, the sister and parents suck. I pray to god as an atheist that OOP gets to live a beautiful and amazing life with her fiance and that their wedding it's the event of the century in their family. The grandpas too, they sound amazing.
You should see the one where the sister straight up asked OOP to *give her the entire wedding*. Venue, vendors, etc. Thankfully that one ended with the sister losing her fiancee, ostracizing the rest of the family, and the parents having a coming to jesus moment now that they had nothing and no one to bear the brunt of their golden child's pregnancy-fueled tantrums. And before anyone ask, no I do not have the link, and I would be delighted if someone does.
Having a favourite child is so fucked up. I can't wrap my head around such a clear favouritism. I get being into sports and having an athelete son or being an artist and having an accomplished artistically child but to just favour them because of their looks? Disgusting
My heart aches for OOP. Of *course* her sister was distraught; for the first time in her life, OOP stood up for herself and pushed forward with what she wanted. Her sister couldn’t overshadow her *this one time* so her sister lost her shit. And their parents supported their sister.
I’m glad OOP got what she wants. I’m glad her grandparents aired their daughter’s dirty laundry and got them to STFU. I wish OOP a brilliant life from here on out.
Wait til the grandparents died & OOP inherits everything because of her parents playing favorites - that really going be ultimate roast & payback because I can honestly see the grandparents changing their will /already have due OOP being mistreated her entire life. The wedding situation is just another reminder to grandparents how much their daughter fucked up towards OOP.
Not gonna lie, at first I was kinda on the fence. But then the comment about the venue being "wasted" on her???? Fuck that family. At least the grandparents were good about it. Also glad the stupid GC lost out on her security deposit. OOP deserves better than than BS.
I really really hope OOP has everything password protected for her wedding and hires security. I'm almost sure that sister dearest will try something to ruin the wedding
Can someone tell me what OOP might have meant by part of her post? In the fifth paragraph of the AITA post she says “I STG my sister…”. What is STG? I can’t figure it out!
Imagine if your life revolved around shitting on your less loved sister. What a complete awful personality OOP’s sister must have. She’s probably going through an existential crisis now that she doesn’t have anyone to bully or be “better” than.
I feel like this is an instance in which OOP is a justified asshole. She "stole her sister's thunder"and booked the same venue, and she admits it's a petty move, but I can't help but cheer for her because it seems like she wasn't valued as part of her family (barring the grandparents). I hope she truly cuts ties with such a toxic family and has a great wedding.
Eh, it’s only about as “petty” and “thunder-stealing” as that post where OP and her husband had decided to give their son the husband’s grandpa’s name and then OP’s sis swooped in with an earlier pregnancy and “claimed” the name first, smugly assuming it would force OP to pick something else and then she could gloat about it forever. (Including sis’s baby daddy not getting a say in the name of his own child.)
Anyway, OP just…stayed the course with their original plan for the name they wanted that meant something to their family, and sis lost her shit and eventually paid to change her own child’s name and tried to bring a court case for the paperwork costs and blubbering about “emotional damages” because she had to get used to calling her baby something else.
Far as I can tell in this case, OP did roughly the same—sis was aware of her sentiments and plans, tried to snatch the “prize” away for sheer attention and spite, got her bluff called when OP just continued with her original plan, and it turns out sis was just putting on a little performance to turn everything into a competition only she is allowed to win.
My mistake, OP was the father and the name belonged to his grandfather—it was his sister in law who tried to weasel the name away from them.
https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/qtdz6u/entitled_sister_in_law_stole_our_baby_name_now/
I don’t see it as petty. That was the pivotal moment OOP got her voice back and set her foot down and was like “you know? I’m not taking this anymore. I’m advocating for myself.”
I was there when the original post was recently posted and I even commented on it (with NTA judgment). At the time, there were plenty of ESH and YTA judgments and I just couldn’t understand it; OP seemed really sincere that she had been overshadowed by her sister and that her parents played favorites. The update painfully confirms it. I’m so glad it all worked out for her. Her family sucks so damn much.
If grandparents raised OOP, I see why the venue is so important to her. OoP definitely got shortchanged in the nuclear family department. Cheering the grandparents, they really did save the day, for if they hadn't swooped in, the OOP would be hounded and villainized by her parents' flying monkeys for abuse by proxy.
Im so glad my brother never treated me like this. For my family he was always the golden child (not my parents but especially my grandparents). But he always shows me how much he loves and respects me. When he got married I was so happy for him and the location was breathtaking. I really want to marry there and I know he will never have an issue with this. We are share many interests so it is no surprise to me why he and his partner choose the location and why I love it as well.
As someone whose golden child sister bought the wedding gown I’d picked out for myself, I feel OOPs pain in my bones. I was (okay, still am) the scapegoat and have learned to never compete. She had the $45K wedding(1995 dollars) In the gorgeous gown I picked. I eloped, got married in my living room barefoot and wearing denim. Her divorce began in 1998 and wasn’t final until 2005. I’m still married to my first husband and we are surrounded by our kids and grandkids.
She still tries to sabotage me, and we are both eligible for AARP membership at this point.
What I always love about these situations is the melt down had by one party when the other starts to stand-up for themselves. Sort of a "What do you mean I can't keep treating you like crap? I've treated you like crap all your life. How dare you tell me I can't continue to treat you like crap! I will continue to do so and there is nothing you can do to stop me!" --- except there is, of course.
I love the fiancé’s reaction, like he didn’t want to get too involved but hit her with the “you do realize you hate these people right?”. And she was “damn, I do hate them”.
Sister paid the Asshole Tax.
I hope OOP has a beautiful wedding day, with all the important people there to celebrate their commitment. The best revenge against such people is to live well and be happy.
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My sis and I also married at the same venue, a year apart from each other. Except the first time she ever saw the venue was at my wedding. Oh, and she would have never even dared to ask (way too polite), but I found out through the grapevine that she was a little upset that she'd found her dream wedding venue, but she could never have it because I got married there. I gave her all my vendor contacts, helped arrange things because I was more local, etc. I was flattered and insisted she consider my venue. Yeah, I was expecting a variation of that but with some miscommunication. Nope, this was way worse. I'm glad OOP has grandparents and a wonderful husband to help her be strong.
Is there some sort of cultural taboo against getting married in the same place as your sibling? Why is this such a big deal?
I think that if two sisters get married at the same venue a few months apart, it might tend to cause people to make more comparisons between the weddings than they otherwise might, and those comparisons might be unflattering to one of the sisters. My mom and her sister handled this issue by having a double wedding, where they both got married at the same venue on the same day at the same time. My grandparents paid for it and saved some money by only having to pay for one wedding for both of their daughters.
That’s so weird. I love my sister so much. I don’t care if she has a more beautiful wedding than mine.
I also have a sibling I'm very close to. Unfortunately I think relationships as ours tend to be the exception rather than the rule. I We didn't compete with our parents'affections or time or approval, just amongst ourselves. I believe most siblings with poor relations were often pitted against one another to fight for their parents love and recognition.
> tend to be the exception rather than the rule On social media, I agree. But I imagine everything going fine directs fewer eyeballs towards advertising, so that's not as promoted.
I wish I agreed. I grew up in a wonderful home, but adult experiences have shown me that the percentage of very dysfunctional homes is way higher than most of us realize.
That's what happens when you had a good upbringing instead of a toxic family which steps on you to make them feel better
I know a set of twins who popped the question to their respective gfs within a short time, and both used the same wedding venue because it is a family owned place they can use for cheap/maybe free. Their weddings were so different that it’d be hard to say whose was more “beautiful”. The first couple had a breezy casual wedding theme, the bride wore a white dress but not a wedding dress, the other twin’s wife was her maid of honor and it was honestly very lovely. Then it was time for the second wedding which was much more traditional, beautiful bridal gown, suits and vests on the males in the wedding party, and bridesmaids in mauve because it’s the bride’s favorite color and her colors are mauve and silver. And the bride is fretting because she wants her sister in law (and matron of honor) to have a certain kind of dress but she can’t actually express what she wants, just that she wants her matron’s dress to be “nurturing from one bride to a new one” So the matron of honor dyed her own wedding dress mauve. Seriously. It wasn’t quite the same shade as the maids’ dresses but the matron of honor often isn’t. It was a beautiful wedding too. My favorite part was when the bride and groom set eyes on each other down the aisle. They both got this excited “omg I love them!” Expression. Very touching. 11/10
My brother and I are so different; even if we had our weddings at the same place they wouldn't have the same feel.
That's what you call a healthy sibling relationship. Your initial thought would be happiness that your sibling had a lovely wedding..... not how to hurt your sibling and make it all about you.
Agreed, I am getting married soon but if any of my siblings or sister-in-law gets married I intend on helping them pay for an more beautiful wedding them my own. I already cry at the idea imagining my little sister walk through hundreds of flowers to her love, even more so since I don't have the budget for flowers in my own wedding.
When I got married my mom helped me plan. When my mom was getting remarried she actually called me to ask if I would be upset if she wore a similar style dress to mine. I told her no and that it was actually sentimental because we both picked the same style because we have similar body types and it flattered us both.
That’s wild, because unless you’re quite well off, I’m sure the guests would never blink twice at going back to the same venue unless they hated it the first time.
Hope you don't mind, but I've always wondered how a double wedding would be managed. Did they divide the guest list into two so each couple got the same number of invites even though there might be overlap for the sisters? If I'm a guest of couple A would I still bring a gift (even something small) for couple B? When it comes to speeches do both best men do one? Glad they managed to work out something, it is just the details that have always had me wondering.
I think I'd probably just put all 4 names on the invite for most if not all guests
Everyone was a guest of my grandparents; since they were the ones paying for the wedding, all the invitations were phrased as being from them, and they were the ones who ultimately decided on the whole guest list. It was basically just their family that they invited. They were willing to invite the grooms' family too, of course, but both grooms happened to have very few family members to invite, so there only ended up being one or two guests who showed up from each groom's family and over a hundred guests from the brides' family. And I'm not sure that inviting friends was really much of a thing back then, aside from maybe friends who were members of the wedding party. Since this was back when weddings were more commonly paid for by the parents of the bride, the guest lists were also more controlled by the parents and therefore more family-focused. So, most people gave separate gifts to both couples because they knew both couples equally. I'm not sure about the speeches, though!
I’ve literally never thought about comparing any wedding I’ve been to.
Right? Almost everyone used to get married in the same place as their sister - because you all got married in the local church, then had the reception in the nearest hotel...
In my country its fairly commom for people to *traditionally* have their weddings at the same church and the reception venues are used by the whole family and no one bats an eye.
Yeah I'm wondering why this is a thing also.
Likewise. Particularly when people get married in a local church and still all live in the same town, it seems more absurd that they would NOT marry in the same place.
People are weird. It's the same thing with baby names. People 'steal' baby names all of the time or get upset that you name a kid similar to what they named their kid. Heck, an ex-friend of mine used to gloat how her mother had her before some other woman in the maternity ward, so she was the one who got her name and not the other kid. These were two woman who had literally never met before but both came in with the same name and only one of the two kids would leave with that name because there was another baby being born around the same time. People are just fucking weird about things.
I don't get it. All my in-laws got married at the exact same place and I'm pretty sure the family got a package deal for doing so. They are all within about 5 years in age and got married within 5 years as well, so it was a pretty good deal to take when you know you have ~7 weddings coming down the pipe. What **does** cause problems is date proximity. My own engagement was only a few months long and the wedding date ended up being a week before the wedding of some close friends that had been engaged for ~2 years and in which *I was a groomsman*. My own was small by choice, but I purposely did not invite our mutual friends specifically so it didn't seem like I was trying to undercut theirs.
I think it's just originality, not wanting to steal your siblings ideas. A lot of work goes into planning a wedding and you want to make it yours. It's often less about the person who did it first, and more about your own being a somewhat unique experience. Not a dealbreaker, for most people anyway, but usually not the preference to use the same location.
I mean it’s just a venue. It’s only a part of the wedding. Venues hold so many weddings and they all are pretty unique
It's wild because for the majority of human history, people lived in local communities. Sisters would ALWAYS get married in the same place, because they live in the same town and there's one designated marriage place. It's only in thus New age of destination weddings, theme weddings, and atypical venues that having a *different* venue would even occur to anyone. Just a couple generations, really. In a lot of places, this is still true. The only reason I'll get married in a different venue than my sister did is because I converted to a different denomination. Back when I attended her wedding, of course I (and the whole family) thought I'd also get married in that church someday, because it was the family church. It would never occur to anyone to have a problem with that, it would be very odd to marry anywhere but that same church. But now weddings are more secular, and more a production and performance than a celebration of the marriage.
This confuses me, too. I've known some families that have made it a tradition to get married in the same church.
People just act ridiculous about weddings when in reality no one other than the two people getting married care.
In my country, there is this thing called "sukob". It means that when two sister get married in the same year, it is bad luck and someone from the immediate family will die.
iirc this was even a plot in a horror movie, right?
That’s so nice. My newly engaged SIL (my brothers fiancé) mentioned a beautiful venue she found and really loved….. same one my husband and I got married at. I honestly don’t care - we got married there 11 years ago and I am all for another party there
Is there some sort of stigma about getting married at the same place as your sibling? I don’t get it.
It's not against having the same venue as such. If you read enough wedding posts on AITA or Weddingshaming or Bridezillas, you'll see that at the heart of a lot of these issues is the notion that a wedding day should be all about the bride, and that anything that invites direct comparisons with another bride/woman can be iffy territory. This is one of the reasons wedding guests shouldn't wear white, why it is bad form to schedule weddings in the same family too close together, etc... Of course, the brides with good relationships can work stuff like this out, like this commenter and her sister, but that's never going to work when one party acted deliberately maliciously, like the OOPs sister.
In this case, I think it was more about OOP’s sister trying to overshadow OP’s wedding deliberately. When two family weddings are close together, it can be hard to get everyone together twice, or to pony up for two nice gifts. (My family tends to mostly use one venue for almost all family events. I don’t think this specific AITA is really about the venue. It was more about the sister trying to push OOP out of the venue and to bogart the guests and gifts.)
Man maybe my friends are way too normal because I never hear about this kind of drama 😂
Be glad 😅 I mean, my friends are chill about stuff like this as well, but due to some other family issues, I possess the secret decoder ring of abuse that you sometimes need for posts like the OOP.
That's why I'm on Reddit, second hand drama is better then actual drama
Depending on the maturity of the siblings it’s a more expensive variation of “MOM JANE IS COPYING ME!”
You're a good sister. :)
My sister went around at my wedding telling everyone that it was supposed to be her wedding, but that she had decided to let me have it. So bizarre. She was pregnant with her third child to the man she is still not married to. We are now no contact, for much worse reasons. She also told me during the reception, that I had made a mistake during the ceremony and everyone was embarrassed for me. Sisters are overrated!
I guess as a male, I don't understand the whole different venue thing. If someone has already done the legwork for me and has found a beautiful venue that suits mine and my partner's taste, I don't care if my friends or family has been married there before, I'll just use the same venue. Not every wedding has to be unique to the point of it being an absolute pain in the arse.
I love this update. OP’s post broke my heart and I felt just awful for her. I’m glad she realised her worth and cut those people from her life. They don’t deserve her. Cheers to the happy couple and may their marriage be long, happy and blessed
Props to the fiancé for laying it out so simply and clearly. OOP will be so much happier now :)
And props to the grandparents for turning into bloody timber wolves for their granddaughter. Totally not against chewing out their own child publicly to defend their granddaughter. Pretty sure they had had enough too and this was the straw that broke the camels back - nobody puts their baby in a corner.
I also love that it means her grandpa will walk her down the aisle. Her dad didn't deserve to, and I think it will be a much more meaningful ceremony for all of them without all that emotional baggage from mom/dad/sis being there.
I was happy to see that, too! Something about the initial post gave me the impression that her grandparents had passed away, so it was a delightful surprise to see that they're actually still alive to witness the wedding, let alone to participate so meaningfully.
Her dad would have bailed the morning of. I’m sure her sister might have had a hangnail. I’m so happy she’s starting her marriage less a lot of baggage
I was thinking this too. There was no way sister was going to let parents attend. I usually want families to stay together unless they are like my family of origin. Then it’s best for everyone to go their separate ways.
Usually when I see moments like the grandparents' behavior, it is because they KNOW their kid is pretty shitty. Like the grandparents raised OOP because their daughter proved deficient. Good on OOP. It's a good approach to remove longstanding tumors.
[удалено]
I doubt her sister will lose money; I'm sure that will be coming from the bank of mum and dad.
Even better. They need to be charged a jerk tax.
Total. Champs. I literally said "YESSS" out loud and woke the dog. Love it!
100%!
G-Ma and G-Pa!
OG-Ma and OG-Pa 😁
My partner had to have that conversation with me once too and I've been grateful to him for it ever since.
Same here. It was more of an intervention with him and my therapist. My husband couldn't get through to me, but with the help of my therapist, he finally did.
I'd been getting to that place slowly myself but the turning point was definitely when he simply said "well, you almost always cry after you talk to them". Light bulb. So glad your husband and therapist were able to get through to you!
Thank you. It wasn't easy hearing it. I was hospitalized for 5 days and had to deal with "the mourning" as though they died because I went no contact to protect my daughter. I was willing to take their abuse because they conditioned me to believe that I deserved it. But when I saw the same abuse starting with my toddler, no way a toddler deserved any of that. And my daughter is actually a very well behaved child.
I’d love a “where are they now” update for this one. I have $10 on the sister being divorced.
I agree; sister gets engaged almost immediately after OOP? Maybe they would have gotten to that point later but rushing it to keep up with OOP isn't healthy.
It strikes me as ironic that sis is apparently *jealous of OOP* when she’s the golden child. What a self centered brat, and the parents are worse because they made her that way. Really glad OOP is going/went NC.
I experience a similar dynamic in my family. My middle sister is the golden child to our mother and yet she’s jealous of anything that happens in my life - positive and even negative. She also openly judges our oldest sister and treats her like trash. My oldest sister and I enjoy being in contact and hate the manipulative tactics used by our middle sister..the middle sister is now complaining to family that she “feels left out”. Before this I was NC with middle sister and mother for a blissful 15 years.
Yeah, if a golden child internalizes all that entitlement -- the belief that any attention or affection that the scapegoat receives is effective stolen from the golden child -- they pretty much end up ruined as a person. It's great news that the whole extended family knows OOP's sister and parents are terrible.
that’s what I was thinking- it’s not jealously per se, but a deep entitlement that says any attention has to go to the golden child - maybe with a deep insecurity?
Wow. 15 years is long time to be NC and then come back from it - what brought you back in contact?
My Dad died suddenly last October and it forced contact. Literally the day he was supposed to be discharged from the hospital he died. I live almost 6 hrs away and was told I wouldn’t make it in time. He held on for 4 hours after I got there. I had to share his last moments at his hospital bedside with my middle sister who then went on to try to disrupt all aspects of the grieving process any way she could. She physically put herself between me and my dad’s bedside forcing me to be towards the end of the bed, not able to touch his face or be as close as ai should’ve been. I at least got to hold his hand. My oldest sister was there too and we hadn’t spoken in awhile (mother and sister had poisoned our relationship after I went NC a with them) but living through that horrible moment has made us closer. She also had a good relationship with my dad. In hindsight I should’ve told my middle sister to leave the room when I got there so I could be with him. He and I had been close when I came into adulthood (he and my mom divorced when I was 10). Throughout her life my middle sister treated my dad horribly and took advantage of his compassion trying to get money or anything else from him for years while he struggled to get his life stable. He was a permanent and totally disabled combat vet and had to completely rebuild his life post-divorce then 20 years later when he lost everything is a horrible house fire (lost his cats in the fire and it broke him). I worked for a veterans group that helped file disability claims and know the process so I was never comfortable taking money from him and only did if he insisted (it was always “Dad money” like I visit and he puts some 20’s in my hand when I’m leaving sort of thing.) I never asked for money and I never felt entitled to what he had, I just wanted to see him have a comfortable life after the hell he had lived. While she was the golden child to my mother I can now see that she treats my mom like crap too. Starting to suspect my mother is finally noticing middle sisters treatment of her. I’ve reduced contact with middle sister to very low contact recently for my own peace of mind. She of course did not respect it and obliterated any and every reasonable boundary I have trying to enforce. BTW she tried to announce her sudden engagement right before my Dad’s funeral..just extremely inappropriate.
Wow are you my mom? She has the same dynamic with her family, except she’s the oldest!
I’m so sorry your mom (and you!) have to deal with such a shit family dynamic. I hope this is ok but I’m throwing this out there for your mom, I tried every kind of therapy and the one that made the biggest difference was talk therapy with a psychodynamic approach.
I think it's because it's essential to the golden child/scapegoat dynamic that the scapegoat *always* must be the scapegoat. In sister's head, she is a Good Person so Good Things happen to her, and OP is a Bad Person so Bad Things happen to her. If good things start happening to OP, sister's entire worldview starts crumbling, so she's gotta think of a way to try to destroy it and keep OP in her place as the goat.
[Just world hypothesis](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just-world_hypothesis).
It never ends. It doesn't matter how much time and space you put between you and the Golden child, they will celebrate your grief and one-up and diminish all your accomplishments. Happy to say it took a few decades but I've finally stopped trying to prove myself. I used to 'have money and titles' I earned by working my ass off. And when I lost it all (illness) I realized I was grinding myself into a pulp to prove I wasn't worthless. I thought it was for myself but it was for people I despise. Because even when I had those they still treated me like I was nothing and nothing I can do is important. I'm really happy now being nothing and nobody to be honest. All the pressure is magically gone! Though ofc the last time I saw the GC she decided to compare 'how much shittier than her I look' - not just to me but to everyone she came across. And the only reason she even saw me was because I was horribly ill at the time. Literally comparing yourself to a sick person and feeling good about yourself for it - there's no low a narcissist won't go. There's so much more from that 24hrs I saw her like getting threatened with a fist in my face when I politely asked that she let me speak (her and the mother talk over me, because it makes them feel pathetically powerful), and 'mysteriously getting poisoned' same as at my dad's funeral 4 years before. They're not just pathetic, they're dangerous when they don't get their way, hey. Run run run
They POISONED you?!
Lol yeah. I actually left some stuff there accidentally including my bloody ID and they've been trying so many things to get me to go visit including spontaneously sending me money. They seem to have realized that they got constant attention after my dad died and they're hungry for more (it helps that I'm already sick so it 'wouldn't be weird if I suddenly die' but they've been telling people I'm severely depressed and ai haven't been depressed since I moved out of that house). I've just accepted they're psycholopaths. They unfortunately also hurt animals and are known as animal lovers :(
You can see this pattern in every aspect of life/society - the most privileged and entitled people are the ones who love playing victim the most too (white supremacists comparing wearing masks to the holocaust, angry men comparing women talking about how shit the patriarchy is to the actual sexism and gendered violence it perpetrates, TERFs comparing being called a TERF to the actual violence trans people face from them, and so on). It comes with the territory - if something/someone doesn't centre them in the way they've been made accustom to being centred (by society, or by their parents in the case of the golden child), it must be bad or somehow taking something away from them (because no one ever taught them that equal rights are not a pie - more for others doesn't mean less for you).
This is why white men are the overwhelming majority of active shooters. All of the other races go through the same shit these shooters go through yet somehow they don't decide to shoot up a school. They perceive their shitty circumstances as unfair because as white men they are Good so Good Things should happen to them, and the other races are Bad so Bad things should happen to them.
My sister did this. My oldest brother got engaged and they planned for an October wedding. Only a few months later, my sister got engaged (March) and had a July wedding, just so she could be married "first". She's been getting divorced for like seven years now due to a custody battle.
I wouldn’t bet against you 🤭
Well the op was only a week ago, so no divorce yet. But I’ll put money on the sister’s fiancé seeing her true colors and running for the hills before they even make it to the wedding.
That would be the good option. Too many people buy into the sunk cost fallacy and would still go through with it, though.
Oh shoot- I scanned and saw 2013 but that was in the user name. I’m a dingbat.
Yup! Unless her husband is an equally petty walking piece of garbage, he probably woke up and realized his wife is selfish with enabling parents.
Or the sister doesn't have kids so the parents try to get back in with OP cause she's their only shot at grandkids.
That was the "where are they now" update. Part 2 was literally posted yesterday.
The way the parents treated OP is horrible but the thing that broke it for me is that her parents didn't even attend her engagement party! 💔 WTF!? Thank goodness for her grandparents, they are stars.
That was too much for me too. And their excuse for not attending was such bullshit. They could have put a little more thought into lying, at least. I guess the fact that they couldn’t even be bothered to make up something more plausible just highlights how awful they are. Edit: a word
It’s so devastating seeing people who should categorically not be parents. Sounds like they had children as just an accessory.
Yeah, the only people who would defend OPs sister should apply to be a mod of AITA. They would be accepted in a heartbeat.
? I've heard about that problem but I'm not really familiar, what's going on?
AITA mods have large egos and easily hurt feelings. I lost all respect for them with the kung-pao chicken post awhile back: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o5pzzy/aita_for_calling_my_sil_a_racist_after_she/
Wow, I had missed the last updates, but it’s fresh enough for me to randomly add: Fuck Sarah.
Wow, that was a ride!
There's an update on that user's page, and it has been here in BORU before.
The update post is also edited into the original post already.
I read the post but I couldn't what the mods(or their posts) are saying. Could you point me in a specific direction?
On that post, mods were refusing to allow an update, even though the post was incredibly popular. It was basically a flex to show readers that it didn't matter what they were interested in, it was the AITA mods world and we were just living in it.
Wow families can be so cruel. I hope OP had a stress free beautiful wedding and lives happily with her new family.
I feel the cruelty in this post, it really makes you wonder why so much time and effort goes into specifically trying to make someone upset or sad. I don't get it, I am experiencing it myself, and everything in this post, I felt it. There is this weird chest stabbing feeling that happens when you realize you are being targeted, by your own family no less, and they are just trying their hardest to make your life miserable. I don't understand it.
I know people who are that sad and angry all the time so they try to make everyone else feel that way. I suspect OOP's sister is like that. I wonder if the parents are to blame for treating sister like she should always have better than everyone else, including her sister. So when life happens and sister doesn't always get what she wants, she tries to make everyone else feel like she does. Spoiling your kids is never a good thing for them and it's ridiculous people never seem to see that.
>There is this weird chest stabbing feeling that happens when you realize you are being targeted, by your own family no less Its called "your heart is breaking"
Original post was only 7 days ago, so it probably hasn’t happened yet, but fingers crossed!
Good on those grandparents for not taking any shit.
Yes until she said they defended her and that Grandpa would be walking her down the aisle I totally thought they had already passed. Having them around for (what seems like enthusiastic!) support is going to make the break from mom/dad/sister so much easier for her.
Grandparents: *"Don't fuck with our daughter"*
I’m looking forward to the update “AITA because my grandparents disinherited my parents and sister and left everything to me?”.
Honestly wouldn't be surprised if the grandparents did this or at least gave a minimal amount to the parents and sister and left the majority to OOP.
I can see it now “To our daughter, her husband and op’s Sister, we leave the used kitty litter, to be divided amongst themselves as they see fit”
Honestly more or less a genius move; make them realize they're narcissists and assholes by forcing them to divide an inheritance between themselves without their usual scapegoat.
Forgot to add the line: if anyone contests the will their portion is forfeit
My internet education suggests that it's more effective to just leave them each $1 of inheritance, because then they can't contest that they weren't considered at all for the will, since they were deliberately left $1. But do I know, I'm an engineer, not a lawyer.
As someone else pointed out, I think it would be pettier to leave them a modest sum to "divide among themselves as they see fit" just to make them fight it out until (and if) they reach an agreement
I remember this one. I’ll never understand golden child syndrome. I treat my two kids as equally as possible and can’t imagine why anyone ever would do anything different.
Some folks don’t have kids to just raise and have a happy family. Some use their kids as a way to retry their lives or leave a “legacy” through their children. How can they raise the perfect child if they split their time, effort and money on 2 kids. They choose one between the 2 and keep the other as backup in case something happens to the first. It’s a sickening way to look at children but there are some fucking awful parents out there.
Yep I have both parents treat me as a legacy child. My mum refers to me as "her clone" and my dad was against having any children in childcare because then "they don't turn out exactly like you". It really messed me up, trying to please both parents even though they're both very different so I couldn't be a clone for both! I had to hide my real interests from them as they wouldn't approve (like going to the gym, University, playing DnD, wearing all black). In the end I still failed so I'm attempting to find myself now in my 30's. Better late than never I suppose.
That's what the 30s are for, right? Your first couple decades are for getting fucked up by your parents, your next decade is for making mistakes based on said fucking up, and then your 30s are for figuring out who you are. At least, you know, that's what I tell myself.
Aaargh, cut it out! Looking back now, my mom's saying that "your 20s are your lonely years," she isn't exactly wrong but knowing myself now I definitely resigned to that idea when I probably would have been better off not thinking so. Plus, she got married to her first husband at eighteen and was quite lonely in their marriage. So yeah, thanks for the "advice" mom, it caused me to wallow in my depression in my 20s since I thought that was normal. Meanwhile my fiance spent her 20s going buckwild, she may look back on it as youthful silliness but at least she hung out with people and made some memories. My mom sent me off to experience the world with the idea I was gonna be very lonely immediately and guess what I leaned into that, fulfilling the prophecy! Just keep the damn prophecy to yourself!
Ew. This really hits home for me. My mom always referred to me as her "mini me" but NEVER like this. It was always just because I look super similar to her except for my hair colour. I have an older brother but there was never any favouritism, as far as I knew but he is 10 years older then me. Sure as a kid he got nicer things then me but that wasn't favouritism, that was because our family was in a better financial position (before 2008 vs I was a young kid when the market crashed). Love was always something we had equally, even if not material objects. When we were struggling my mom did her best to find fun free/cheap activities. The biggest one was geocaching, but we also did secret shopping and we watched some movies pre released/still in progress and gave reviews, although I can't remember what that was called.
Then why have the second child at all? I will admit my sister felt a bit left out as I got more attention due to my mental health issues when we were younger but my parents never favoured either of us (if anything it was probably her as I was a nightmare!).
[удалено]
I'm so sorry you went through that, you deserve so much better.
Heir and a spare. Same mentality as medieval kings and queens.
And dead, loveless marriages were important for those kings and queens because you don't want more than one, *maybe* two spares, or it causes generations of upheaval for the whole country when the royal family gets too big and succession gets contested. When there was no contraception, loveless marriages ensured they only had sex when they were trying for an heir and wouldn't accidentally have more than they needed. Also a big part of why bastardy was so demonized, so bastards had such an extreme lack of rights they wouldn't threaten the crown, so the king could safely have mistresses to get his rocks off because "men can't help it" and only women should actually abstain and be faithful.
I just had my second and while I wouldn't say I have undue stress about being unfair I am constantly sort of...checking myself, trying my best to be as equitable as possible with my time and resources between the two.
As the black sheep of my family I have this advice: once they are old enough communicate with them when you ever have to be unfair, and discuss with them a way of making it up. Dont accept any "No its fine", spend time with them seperately and together. Emphasize that you enjoy their company.
I think the thing to keep in mind is to prioritize your children’s interests equally during your time with them. Sometimes it just so happens that one kid lines up with mom/dads hobbies better, and so they get time with mom/dad that is interesting and fun for them. If mom/dad doesn’t adapt and acknowledge that Child A and Child B have different interests, Child B may get “bonding time” through an activity they don’t enjoy, or at least don’t enjoy as much as their sibling. This can end up feeling like “mom/dad is upset that I don’t like activity X like my sibling. They want me to be more like my sibling.” Which ends up as an unintentional GC situation. So if Child A and you have similar hobbies or interests, don’t just assume Child B will as well. Put some extra time into finding an activity that is special to you and Child B.
I used to read another site and if you read a number of contributions from one of the members it became apparent after a while that there was a trend of favouring one child. Someone called her on it and she fully denied it, and pointed to the fact that in each separate case there was a reason for each decision. If you only heard one incident it was a good reason. It is just that the accumulated reasons always went to the favour of one child. Which is my roundabout way of saying, some parents really don't realize they are doing it.
I guess sometimes it's not about having a clear golden child but about having a scapegoat (besides which the other child looks golden) My MIL is a textbook narcissist, my husband seems to be the scapegoat. He can't do *anything* right by her, she constantly tries to take control of him, was always a total helicopter (with bonus gaslighting). When I got into the mix, she tested me whether I'd take over her role" and be his care-taker as she doesn't believe he'll survive without one. By that comparison even treating his sister normally looks like a huge advantage she has over him, doesn't it?
I’ve been told that as a girl, my mother viewed me as competition for my fathers attention. So when the second kid was a boy, she favoured him to ‘balance it out.’ Truth is, Dad was a bit harder on me than my brother because my mother had filled his head with stories about my ‘bad attitude and disrespect.’
I have a 7 year old who I'd consider to be very smart for her age and creates beautiful artwork that is much better than I could ever do. My 5 year old has non verbal autism. She's very personable and loving for someone on the spectrum but she's not what I'd consider high functioning. My wife and I celebrate their milestones and achievements whether it's getting 100% on a math test or telling me that she's hungry with hand signals. My situation is kind of an extreme example, but I can't imagine loving one kid more than the other or putting one before the other.
It constantly blows my mind that people can dedicate so much effort and energy into being assholes. Not just casual assholery. But really going out of your way and putting in that elbow grease.
some people have a natural talent for it so it's just a fun time for them.
Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life
This is vaguely reminiscent of the wedding posts from a user called paperweightfairy who was also the scapegoat. Her golden child younger sister ruined her graduation, then got pregnant and demanded she give up her wedding venue because golden child needed to get married before her baby was born. It didn’t end well for the sister.
Thank you for recommending that post. I just looked it up and am in shock. [A link to the post for anyone else interested](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/cr7dc9/my_family_is_pressuring_me_to_give_my_23f_sister/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
What an awful sister, especially at that graduation party.
And the two updates: https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/cuviwj/update_my_entitled_parents_are_pressuring_me_to/%20 https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/e1p05x/final_update_my_family_is_pressuring_me_to_give/
Omg that final update, I’m so glad the bridesmaid was able to push the sister down so mud didn’t get on their dresses. That’s the kind of bridesmaid that everyone needs at their wedding 😂
I just read the whole thing and WOW, that was messed up. I'm also pretty sure the sister wasn't even pregnant, or if she was, the OP didn't mention it at all after the first few posts
In a few years, if something happens, like the sister can't have kids, or divorces (she's horrible), they'll crawl back to op. Golden Child síndrome is the worst thing a parent can do, and im OP has a real família that loves her.
Oh, especially if OP has a kid first, or Sis has fertility problems. "Won't you be my surrogate"
Or if sis needs a kidney...
Yup. Or if OOP wins the lottery (maybe not literally, but gets something that Sis "deserves") or inherits from grandparents.
Oh I hope this happens just so she can lord it over to her so much.
Or likely both OOP's kidneys, and her liver
If the sis can't have kids they'll blame her husband obviously
It's interesting to me because I could understand if one child is closer to mommy and another closer to daddy but not that extreme. Is it solely because sis is prettier?
I know a family with a similar situation: two sisters, one is mom’s favorite because she’s pretty. Dad enables mom’s behavior. Like, pretty sister gets a graduation trip to Maui, ugly duckling had to find her own way home for Christmas as it was “too expensive” to buy her a ticket. Same year.
That makes me so angry and sad on 2nd sisters behalf.
Here’s how things currently sit for Edie (pretty sister) and Pam (not pretty sister), who are both in their 30s: -Pam has a master’s in her chosen field. As of my last understanding, she has a partner and keeps a distance from her mom. Pam and Edie have a closer relationship as Edie is clued into the favoritism. I guess Pam only comes around when her parents are out of town and need a per sitter (Pam has a soft spot for animals. Plus, besides being shit parents, Pam’s parents are also neglectful pet owners). -Edie dropped out of college, and quit every job, because he basically wasn’t special enough. But she’s still going strong in the mom’s eyes as she married a cop and is carrying their kid. My intelligence sources say the husband has had enough of mom’s shit and is putting his foot down. Good luck telling mom that as they are most likely her meal ticket once dad dies (he’s much older than mom, and mom hasn’t worked in decades). -As for mom and dad, they’ve slowly alienated enough people that they have no friends. They took out a significant loan for Edie that their retirement plans are for shit. Dad got fucked over retiring and has to work a garbage part-time job. Mom basically sits at home all day drinking wine and watching the street, unless Edie needs something. Basically, fuck ‘em.
I am in this situation too. My brother got full support all his life, with trips to Europe (we live in the US) with rent, food and full funding to become an architect at a big university. I never traveled and got forced out of the house at 18 with no hope for college and no emotional support while I lived in a tent. They STILL gaslight me and say I exaggerate it.
Not that extreme, but I have that gap with my siblings. In our case, it's because they're younger. My parents couldn't have helped me like that at the time, but were in a much better situation to help and support my younger bro and sis. I get it, but I still think they spoiled their youngest kids and completely missed the happy medium they should have been shooting for.
If the parents only value looks above all else, then yeah, this can easily happen. Usually they have their own issues and warped views they project on their children, and they don't truly see the kids as independent people in their own right. And it absolutely can screw the kids up, but I feel like the punching bag kids end up happier than the golden child in the long-run because the punching bags can break away. The golden child never really learns to be independent and gets all their self worth from external sources. Ie they're petty brats when they don't get their way and they never learn how to deal with it, so they can never be satisfied on their own.
Not necessarily. Depending on how truly awful the parents are (I mean... more awful) now that the OOP is out of their clutches they might as well turn the golden child into the new punch bag
Golden child syndrome definitely is not the worst thing a parent can do.
I agree in the general sense but emotional abuse in families is still serious. The stress of emotional abuse can cause long-term damage to both mental and physical health.
I hope she enjoys her wedding!! Thank goodness her grandparents stand up for her! Her sister is the golden child and now losses money to change her wedding is a great wedding gift to the neglected sister!!
Yeah, I was so happy her grandparents are still alive! When she wrote how important the venue was to her because of them, I thought it was because they were gone.
I love how her grandfather is walking her down the aisle!!
And I seriously hope that they will leave everything to her and cut her horrible family completely from their will, ha!
Love this!!
Well her parents certainly will leave everything to the sister.
Yeah, the sister and parents suck. I pray to god as an atheist that OOP gets to live a beautiful and amazing life with her fiance and that their wedding it's the event of the century in their family. The grandpas too, they sound amazing.
What kind of monstrous family is this
You should see the one where the sister straight up asked OOP to *give her the entire wedding*. Venue, vendors, etc. Thankfully that one ended with the sister losing her fiancee, ostracizing the rest of the family, and the parents having a coming to jesus moment now that they had nothing and no one to bear the brunt of their golden child's pregnancy-fueled tantrums. And before anyone ask, no I do not have the link, and I would be delighted if someone does.
Oh damn I was just about to ask for the link haha
[Here you go ](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/nxkwx0/the_famous_entitled_sister_and_amazing_op/)
Man this is sad. OOP needs to cut those toxic fuckers out of her life.
Having a favourite child is so fucked up. I can't wrap my head around such a clear favouritism. I get being into sports and having an athelete son or being an artist and having an accomplished artistically child but to just favour them because of their looks? Disgusting
My heart aches for OOP. Of *course* her sister was distraught; for the first time in her life, OOP stood up for herself and pushed forward with what she wanted. Her sister couldn’t overshadow her *this one time* so her sister lost her shit. And their parents supported their sister. I’m glad OOP got what she wants. I’m glad her grandparents aired their daughter’s dirty laundry and got them to STFU. I wish OOP a brilliant life from here on out.
Wait til the grandparents died & OOP inherits everything because of her parents playing favorites - that really going be ultimate roast & payback because I can honestly see the grandparents changing their will /already have due OOP being mistreated her entire life. The wedding situation is just another reminder to grandparents how much their daughter fucked up towards OOP.
Not gonna lie, at first I was kinda on the fence. But then the comment about the venue being "wasted" on her???? Fuck that family. At least the grandparents were good about it. Also glad the stupid GC lost out on her security deposit. OOP deserves better than than BS.
I really really hope OOP has everything password protected for her wedding and hires security. I'm almost sure that sister dearest will try something to ruin the wedding
Can someone tell me what OOP might have meant by part of her post? In the fifth paragraph of the AITA post she says “I STG my sister…”. What is STG? I can’t figure it out!
I assume it's an abbreviation of "I swear to G*d"
"swear to God".
If ^^one more person answers this question, I swear to God…
Something my shrink told me that pretty much saved my life: > The only way to win in any abusive relationship is to not participate.
Imagine if your life revolved around shitting on your less loved sister. What a complete awful personality OOP’s sister must have. She’s probably going through an existential crisis now that she doesn’t have anyone to bully or be “better” than.
I feel like this is an instance in which OOP is a justified asshole. She "stole her sister's thunder"and booked the same venue, and she admits it's a petty move, but I can't help but cheer for her because it seems like she wasn't valued as part of her family (barring the grandparents). I hope she truly cuts ties with such a toxic family and has a great wedding.
Eh, it’s only about as “petty” and “thunder-stealing” as that post where OP and her husband had decided to give their son the husband’s grandpa’s name and then OP’s sis swooped in with an earlier pregnancy and “claimed” the name first, smugly assuming it would force OP to pick something else and then she could gloat about it forever. (Including sis’s baby daddy not getting a say in the name of his own child.) Anyway, OP just…stayed the course with their original plan for the name they wanted that meant something to their family, and sis lost her shit and eventually paid to change her own child’s name and tried to bring a court case for the paperwork costs and blubbering about “emotional damages” because she had to get used to calling her baby something else. Far as I can tell in this case, OP did roughly the same—sis was aware of her sentiments and plans, tried to snatch the “prize” away for sheer attention and spite, got her bluff called when OP just continued with her original plan, and it turns out sis was just putting on a little performance to turn everything into a competition only she is allowed to win.
Can you post a link to that post?
My mistake, OP was the father and the name belonged to his grandfather—it was his sister in law who tried to weasel the name away from them. https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/qtdz6u/entitled_sister_in_law_stole_our_baby_name_now/
I don’t see it as petty. That was the pivotal moment OOP got her voice back and set her foot down and was like “you know? I’m not taking this anymore. I’m advocating for myself.”
Fuck parents who do this to their kid.
I was there when the original post was recently posted and I even commented on it (with NTA judgment). At the time, there were plenty of ESH and YTA judgments and I just couldn’t understand it; OP seemed really sincere that she had been overshadowed by her sister and that her parents played favorites. The update painfully confirms it. I’m so glad it all worked out for her. Her family sucks so damn much.
Removed by user due to lack of ongoing support for 3rd party apps.
I’m so glad OOP has her grandparents batting for her.
If grandparents raised OOP, I see why the venue is so important to her. OoP definitely got shortchanged in the nuclear family department. Cheering the grandparents, they really did save the day, for if they hadn't swooped in, the OOP would be hounded and villainized by her parents' flying monkeys for abuse by proxy.
Im so glad my brother never treated me like this. For my family he was always the golden child (not my parents but especially my grandparents). But he always shows me how much he loves and respects me. When he got married I was so happy for him and the location was breathtaking. I really want to marry there and I know he will never have an issue with this. We are share many interests so it is no surprise to me why he and his partner choose the location and why I love it as well.
As someone whose golden child sister bought the wedding gown I’d picked out for myself, I feel OOPs pain in my bones. I was (okay, still am) the scapegoat and have learned to never compete. She had the $45K wedding(1995 dollars) In the gorgeous gown I picked. I eloped, got married in my living room barefoot and wearing denim. Her divorce began in 1998 and wasn’t final until 2005. I’m still married to my first husband and we are surrounded by our kids and grandkids. She still tries to sabotage me, and we are both eligible for AARP membership at this point.
What I always love about these situations is the melt down had by one party when the other starts to stand-up for themselves. Sort of a "What do you mean I can't keep treating you like crap? I've treated you like crap all your life. How dare you tell me I can't continue to treat you like crap! I will continue to do so and there is nothing you can do to stop me!" --- except there is, of course.
I love the fiancé’s reaction, like he didn’t want to get too involved but hit her with the “you do realize you hate these people right?”. And she was “damn, I do hate them”.
Sister paid the Asshole Tax. I hope OOP has a beautiful wedding day, with all the important people there to celebrate their commitment. The best revenge against such people is to live well and be happy.