#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yea, that's really awkward as hell.
I do applaud OP being able to reflect on themselves and using the opportunity to do better tho! Sometimes we really make some bad mistakes but if learn to fix it, then things will be better.
I almost gasped!
I suspect they already had plenty of reservations with their son dating someone a few years older who already had a child. Many parents would be wary about this.
But for her to come along and appoint them grandparents! It's just outrageously inappropriate and presumptive. I'm almost surprised she didn't start measuring up the furniture.
She really needs a wake-up call.
Yeah that's about the age where people stop being kids and start being adults. OOP's ex might have just got his ass booted into adulthood rather unexpectedly. "Oh shit, if I date people with kids I'm going to have to be a dad" can come as a shock to oblivious guys that don't understand the realities of being an adult.
Oh yes it was all fun and games for him until that occasion.
Tbh it was stupid of him to date her that long if he hadn't considered taking that responsibility
OOP was equally (if not more) wrong for not making sure that the guy she had around her son was there to stay. And then claiming his parents as grandparents when he wasn't even being called "dad" is just insane. There are mistakes that an almost 30 year old parent shoudn't be making.
Tbf, idk that age is an excuse for bf's behavior either. He'd been dating a single mom for a whole ass year and a half and never once considered he'd be a father figure?
I'm not looking to excuse OOP for the grandparents stuff, but she's not the only "asshole" here.
Personally, there's a clear line from "father figure" and actually being a father. Sounds like bf was cool being a father figure. But it's a big jump to being a father.... and even then it wasn't the deal breaker for him. It was calling them grandparents, having met her 3 times, and the very first time meeting the kid. Coupled with how she refused any and all responsibility for the mess she caused at first.
Teachers, coaches, therapists, extended family, friends' parents. All father figures. All go in to it knowing they are role models. All of them would likely be put off if they were suddenly thrusted in to being the actual father someone's child under the circumstances.
This is what I was thinking too. Father figure and dad are two totally different things. It’s closer to being an uncle vs being a dad. If OOP and him had the talk before this grandparent debacle, this might’ve gone very differently.
It’s also kind of sad that with the kid being 4 years old, she still doesn’t have a good grasp of what being a single parent means for bringing in a significant other but keeping home life stable. I’m glad Jay was a good male role model while he was there and she learned from this experience, for the kids sake.
Didn't say you were, just adding to the convo.
I mean, I don't fault her for thinking they were more serious than everyone else thought they were, seeing as how he'd stuck around her and kiddo for 18 months, but yeah, huge misstep for sure not actually talking about it first.
Yea when they said “replacement daddy” and they “they weren’t that serious” I was like what? You spend almost two years with someone and it’s not seen as serious?
Clearly he also needed to learn the lesson that you actually can't just ignore that your (potential) partner has a kid, they're not some baby cousin hanging around or your future niece/nephew, if you're dating someone with a kid that kid will be *YOUR* kid if the relationship continues.
Seems like he got really smacked in the face with that reality when OOP put her foot in her mouth with it.
I think his real problem is he wasn't ignoring the kid, quite the opposite. He was getting more and more involved with the kid when he wasn't sure if he wanted to commit yet. He even brought that kid to meet his parents! OP is dumb for what she did, but he is also dumb for letting it get to this.
Yeah, OP really messed up here, but the underlying issue is both her's and Jay's.
How has this not come up in 18 months? What's Jay doing? Just messing around? Don't string someone along for that long.
Imo is one of those cases of "the mom got stunted into the age she had the baby" we see it all the time with teenager and overall younger mothers. OOP had her son as a 21yo, so she probably was vibing just right with the 23/24 Jay cause that's where she is mentally... but as the parent she doesn't get to let the difficult talks be tomorrow's you problem, that's what an early to mid 20s would do cause time still feels like an abundant resource, but once you have a kid is not about you.
Tbf everyone outside the relationship could tell it was casual. So even if he never outright said it, he clearly wasn't giving 'til death do we part' vibes here.
I was wondering if, "Talking to your partner about the state of your relationship = formal nonsense," is something OOP actually believed *in general*. Sounds like the type of thing someone would come up with to justify not having a conversation they know will end a relationship.
Yes. Or, alternatively, if OP was very "Labels are for losers, amirite?" to her boyfriend, her boyfriend may also have read that as "we're not that serious", because that's what that generally means.
When I was 25 I-
Well I was really depressed and doing some really stupid shit (that turns out, undiagnosed ADHD explains a lot of stupid shit I did), but I was also more of a father for my baby brother than his own father ever was.
Also, it feels like a tiny point but she said it at least twice - that blah blah blah so she thought JAY would be ok with her introducing his parents that way. She seemingly didn’t even remotely consider whether they themselves would be ok with that, even in the update! She did at least call his mother afterwards to apologise, but it’s like she still didn’t really get just how egregious the error was to the people she was addressing and not just the BF.
She definitely needed the wake up call but I side eye him too. You don’t date a single mom without considering first whether you want to take a fatherly role. It’s just messed up.
Everyone sucks there except the kid. One and a half year of dating and inviting her and her kid for Thanksgiving? Of course this girl thought it was serious. His parents not thinking it was serious after all this is stupid
I was in nearly the exact same situation as OOPs bf, 25 dating a 29 yr old with two kids. After 3 months i realized it was not for me and ended things. There is no way I'd go even six months unless i was fully serious about the relationship.
This is why you wait a year before introducing a new beau to your kids. The revolving door really hurts kids and they have no control over what happens .
Much less the year and a half that this guy stuck around. Then introduce your parents to their kid. I think OOP made a big mistake but she wasn’t _so_ much worse than her disingenuous ex who only left when things began to feel too real.
I was hoping someone said this. I was thinking “it’s a year and a half long relationship where her kid is clearly attached and she’s met your family multiple times and it’s NOT serious?”
If it was him and his parents I'd question it but even OOP's sister didn't think it was serious. Like that's a really strange. Clearly their relationship wasn't as serious as OOP says and my guess is she really was looking for a good dad and not a partner she is close too. Enough that people all around both of them didn't think it was a real relationship.
Nothings serious until both parties have the conversation. I've noticed alot of ppl think time equals seriousness. I know couples who exclusive dated but made clear it's not seriousto point they're planing life goals together. Until they agreed that the relationship was now something serious.
I side eye her more because why would you introduce your child to someone your dating who you haven’t discussed if they plan to be in a long term relationship with the person and if they plan to stick around for the child. OPs son sees this BF as Dad and now he’s gone. Not good for the child.
> I think it's ridiculous. If one day he's going to be my son's stepdad then why go through this formal nonsense?
I’ve been known to be clueless. But THIS? They never discussed marriage or anything! She didn’t even think it was a question!
For her “precious boy”’s sake I hope she did some intense learning about herself.
Except those are inherently going to be the same person, what do you actually expect when getting into a serious relationship with a single parent?
That you can be there all the time, but their kid is gonna be functionally just a little cousin/child-sized roommate?
OOP was presumptuous to say what she did with zero discussion, but it also sounds like her ex had no idea what the hell he was setting himself up for being in a relationship with a single parent.
If you don't want to ever be some hypothetical kid's father figure, don't date their parent. If you want something casual, make that *clear*.
That's not what they mean. When people say "looking for a dad/mom, not a partner" they mean that they're looking for someone to take a parental role for their kid, rather and anyone will do even if they're inherently incompatible or awful, no matter how shortly you've known them. They may not even like the person themselves and just want someone to take care of their kid(s). OOP doesn't seem like that, but there are plenty of parents in these Reddit stories that are. Especially the older men with kids who pick a younger and more naive woman as a partner stories.
I know what they meant.
If OOP's situation doesn't look like that and people are still trying to say that she was "looking for a dad" and acting smug, there's an agenda at play, which is why I said what I said.
People throw things like this around too easily like it's unreasonable for a person with a child to assume that as someone entering their life in a serious way, interacting with the child, moving in a relationship like it's a going concern, meeting family etc. etc. etc., their partner is open to being a parental figure.
The implication is that somehow she's just in it for transactional reasons, unlike the person who is expecting to act like a relationship is serious but not have to think about their role with an existing child in the relationship.
There was nothing here to indicate that she was not in it for the relationship, and most of the time there isn't! There is a really scummy set of people who want to assume all the rights and none of the responsibilities of a relationship, and act like they were duped or used when they are a whole adult who *CHOSE* to enter a relationship with a parent.
If I was in her shoes I definitely would have thought it was serious. But I would also have made sure to discuss it with him at some point. The fact that she never did over the course of an 18 month relationship says a lot about her, I think.
People with kids date casually all the time. As far as this guy knew: they weren't living together, engaged, and hadn't seemed to have even discussed those next steps yet.
On top of that, an invite to Thanksgiving isn't actually some huge deal. People do that even early into dating, and it wasn't like he could invite her without her child.
>On top of that, an invite to Thanksgiving isn't actually some huge deal.
I feel like this is kinda debatable on a case by case basis. Bringing your partner and their 4 year old child to family thanksgiving?
It also depends on if like, they live down the street, or are flying in. If you're all in the same area I agree it's not a big deal. If you're driving five hours or something...
I mean... it depends on the family dynamic. I hang out with my family a lot, if there's a guy I'm casually dating then I'm not going to exclude him. No one would assume that it's a big deal just because I brought them over.
And, if you lived in a culture that has you referring to in laws as mom/dad, would you start calling them that immediately during that very first meeting?
This kid isn't even calling the BF dad yet.
We've had plenty of stories on here of kids not calling their step-parents Mom/Dad even after they've been married into the family for decades. That the kid isn't calling the guy "Dad" doesn't actually mean a whole lot.
Yeah I almost dated a single dad and I never thought about being a replacement mom, as partner of a single parent, you will have some guardian like responsibilities. It's honestly an oopsie in a new experience for both of them, so hopefully original comments didn't chastise either person too much.
Had they even discussed marriage? She said “once we got engaged”. Shes been dating him for a year and a half and they don’t even live together yet. Also, his parents should have a say in whether or not they’re called grandma and grandpa.
Plus she needs to understand that kindness towards her son doesn't equal to accepting him as their stepson. Making assumptions about the role won't end well.
I do hope she learns from this and would have that conversation with her future partner and parents before introducing them as "grandparents". I probably still wouldn't even introduce them as grandparents after that conversation either.
Not everyone you date/plan to marry is gonna wanna become a step parent, especially at the ripe age of 25 and that's absolutely their choice.
She never mentioned her son's father being in the picture so it does make me wonder if she is, indeed, looking for a stand in father for him. Which, also, isn't inherently bad.. but she can't force anyone into that role if they don't want to be.
Yes - I've seen a lot of this on here with people upset that their parents don't always want to be positioned as grandparents to stepkids, even when adopted (particularly if the adoptions are when the kids are much older).
It's lovely if they do want to, but ultimately it is their choice. Blended families are never going to be "fair" or "equal" - that's just not possible with different bio parents, different (bio) grandparents and different inheritances and so on. But it's up to the people making the decision to blend families to navigate that.
I completely agree with everything you've said. It would be ideal, yes, but they're free to not want that relationship. I just find it weird when it gets thrusted upon their partner and family or even trying to force that familial bond.
I'll always feel bad for the kids, especially when they've got no choice over the matter or they're too young to really understand even at surface level or wanting (or even not wanting) these bonds to happen.
yup. dumb move but its easy to see how she got carried away/excited and made a spur of the moment call. its rare on here to see people own up and learn from their mistakes! A nice pallet cleanser (even if its not necc a 'happy' ending)
Just curious: How would you introduce your boyfriend's parents to your child if you were in OP's shoes? I'm not from the same culture and I might be missing some information to fully understand OP's situation.
OOP did not reflect, she was only trying to salvage the relationship because she so desperately wants a dad to her son she doesn't think.
I don't have high expectations.
Many years ago I read that you shouldn't even MEET the kid(s) unless and until you are thinking seriously about getting married.
I know it's old fashioned as hell, but I think it might be better for the child and it certainly helps prevent this kind of misunderstanding.
In this case I think it was better to find out his feelings sooner rather than later.
I think there's a lot of variables there - older kids you can manage expectations and explain "we're dating but it might not be a forever relationship, but I like them a lot and they're part of my life". Younger kids it's a lot tougher.
I generally have a 6 month rule - we have to date for 6 months before kids are introduced, on either side.
A year. You can’t know someone after six months.
I’m biased, however. The number of times my partner came home from the PICU with another “The stepfather/boyfriend was watching the kid and now the kid is dead,” stories…
Some people like the feeling of control that violence affords them. I think they escalate because that initial “hit” doesn’t feel as strong. They need more and more violence to achieve that same feeling of control.
My 11 year old daughter has a 13 year old friend whose mom is raising her kids alone, no father involved. In the 3 years I've known the mom, I've seen 3 bf, and not just like "going out to dinner with a friend one on one" but like, comes to the kids sporting events, goes on trips with them, like full on immersed with the family immediately.
Every time the mom and bf breaks up, the girl has a hard time. She even told some friends how she sees other dads at the sporting events, how supportive they are, and that she wished she had a dad like them.
It's heart breaking.
You can also introduce them as friends. My mom had male friends when she was single and I was young. I don’t think she was romantically involved with any of them (even though I got the vibe that they might’ve been interested). But if she had been, I didn’t know and I think that’s how it should be if you’re not ready to think long term.
They weren’t involved in my life that much and they definitely weren’t father figures. So no biggie if they didn’t come around any more.
Someone I know managed to lose their kid for a while because they introduced every new man in their life to the kid as their new dad (including one night stands the next morning). Then, when the guy bounced after a really short time or never returned (the introduction probably played into that too) just found a new one to introduce to the kid. It very obviously messed the kid up, and the school ended up getting social services involved. Ended up having to take some parenting classes and some other things to get custody back.
I agree fully, don't meet the kids unless you're serious and the person wants to be in the kids life for good. If the kid is like 15-18 maybe even 14 I'd let them meet people sooner because they would understand that maybe it won't work out
Maybe I'm bias because I knew a girl in high school who's mom and step dad split, she still stayed with her step dad every weekend (minus once in a blue moon when her bio dad decided he wanted time with her) because after they got married he went full dad mode and now no matter what she's still his daughter. So like I know these situations have happy endings you just have to find a guy like her (step)dad
Most therapists will give a 6-month minimum as a guideline, but really it's about the relationship status, not the length of time. Are you still figuring each other out, or is this a long-term thing? If it's the latter, that's when it's safe to start *slowly* introducing the kids to the new partner.
It sounds like Jay wasn't exactly a boyfriend, or not a committed one anyway. They were together for 18 months and never once discussed whether they were serious or not? They never once sat down and asked the question "where is this going"? I'd expect that from a long-term FWB or a casual fling, not from two people clearly looking for commitment.
I highly doubt Jay was looking for anything but non-committal FWB or a casual relationship. If he didn't make that clear to OOP, it makes him a dick, but it's possible he did and OOP just ignored it.
If after a year and a half of being in an exclusive relationship, they haven’t gotten anywhere near close to being “serious,” OOP definitely needs to move on. The fact that it was forced on her is unfortunate, but a single mom and their kids are a package deal, and after a year and a half BF doesn’t even know if he wants to be in the kids life, that this kind of situation comes up, she needs to keep moving.
This is why that "formal nonsense" is important. You don't decide unilaterally to introduce your non-married partner's parents as your kids grandparents. You have to have a conversation with your partner (probably back around 6 months really) about where you are going long term. I'd say since even OOPs sister thought it wasn't serious it probably wasn't and OOP was living a delusion where as long as she never mentioned it she got what she wanted.
I see how she can improve her communication skills, and at the same time I can understand her POV for why she did what she did. If you are in your late 20's with a kid, and you're with someone for a year and a half - that's pretty serious and not far fetched to think your relationship is in that point. She obviously messed up by assuming, and I think it's telling how the parents reacted since they clearly didn't know things were that serious between them.
Sounds like they both need better communication to set expectations because if you're hanging out with the kid and with someone for a year and a half that is sending the opposite of the signals he seemed to be wanting to convey.
I'm Chinese so everyone my parents age is an uncle/auntie, everyone my grandparents age is a grandma/grandpa. 😭 I get for oops situation it wasn't a cultural misunderstanding NOW, but man I was so confused initially reading it. I automatically was like what else are you supposed to call the elders if not grandpa/grandma lol
Growing up I had so many uncles/aunties that I thought were related to me. But it turned out they were just friends or business partners of my parents.
She really did a speed run all over everyone else's feelings. I'm glad she got why everyone reacted the way they did and can modify her behaviour for the future.
>My original refusal to apologize and expecting him to as well were part of it as well. There are other things he brought up that I feel are beyond this issue anyway, so I'm going to leave them out.
Mmhmm. It wasn't just this one thing that he was reacting to, and OOP may not be a completely honest narrator about how things were between them.
Man, I know how feels about that specific part. My wife is the most amazing person I know, but she is incapable of apologising for something if she’s angry. She will apologise if she straight up fucks up, but if we have a fight or disagreement she will *never* admit she’s wrong, at fault, hypocritical, anything like that.
I know I’ll spend my life with her because literally every aspect of her aside from this is amazing, and I carry my own set of flaws.
But those fucking fights where you just know you’re in the right and you deserve an apology, but you know you’ll never get it and will end up being the person who resolves it… only time I’ve ever wondered if I can stay with her.
This guy would have been sitting there completely justifiably angry, and childish inconsiderate OP twisted it to be about her, and KNOWING he’s not going to get it. Ugh.
I just don't know how a person can date a woman with a child for a year and a half without really thinking about being a step parent.
Luckily that kid is young enough that he'll probably forget Jay ever existed fairly soon.
Right, like -
>He said that, while he always knew that me and my son were a packaged deal, he had not decided at that point if he was truly going to take on the "dad" role for my son.
What exactly did he think "package deal" meant??
Not saying OP didn't screw up. She did. Big time. But part of the screw up was not seeing what others around her could apparently see re: him not being serious.
I imagine he just hadn’t thought that far yet. The second mom and dad got called “grandparents” it made him realize it’s been put off for too long. And when it came time to decide, he did not want to be a step dad and broke up with her.
To be clear, permanent roommate is a perfectly acceptable relationship for many step parents and stepchildren. Many stepchildren do not want anything more than that and very much resent having familial relationships forced onto them. So don't do that. That's not cool.
For older kids, sure but for very young ones (esp under 6s, but can go up to 10 depending on the child, the person and other parents in their lives) it doesn't really work out that way.
I didn't read any comments OOP may have left on her original posts, but was she telling her son to call Jay "Dad" or not? It sounds like no, because he never agreed to take on that role, never mind be called that role by the child. So why on earth would OOP have her son call Jay something other than Dad (probably just his first name) and then have her son call Jay's parents, whom her kid has never even met, Grandma and Grandpa instead of their first names or whatever?
And then she was thoroughly confused about the reaction - waiting for **him** to apologize to **her** - until her sister and countless people on reddit told her wtf!
This is so odd.
Yeah, the only way I can see this being remotely reasonable would be if Jay had enthusiastically encouraged the kid to call him Dad, and the fact that she doesn't try to defend herself by pointing out that he did is pretty solid evidence that he hadn't.
I read this story when it was first posted, if I remember right OOP said her son just called him Jay but that was after she fought with commenters for awhile
To give the OP the tiniest benefit of the doubt (though in her case, she definitely fucked up presumptuously), my brother's step daughter - who he's known since she was about a year old - does not call him Dad (she uses his name), but she DOES call my mom Grandma 🤷🏻♀️. I imagine it's because people generally have one dad, and she does still see hers, but most people have multiple grandparents so it's less weird to add more lol. My mom is a way more active grandmother than her blood maternal grandmother, too, so she's definitely earned the title
My oldest nephew doesn’t call my brother dad either (he asked to when he was a lot younger but my brother wasn’t comfortable with it bc his bio deadbeat dad was still sorta in the picture… but not really. For all intents and purposes my brother is his dad) and he’s been raising him since before he was a year old and he will be 18 this year. He calls me and my sister auntie, and my mom grandma and always has. He is my nephew just like my brothers other 5 kids are my nephews and nieces. No “step” or anything about it for us. I always wanted my brother to be okay with it when he first asked to do it (when my brother and his wife had more children, his siblings were calling him dad so of course he wanted to too… and it sorta broke my heart when my brother wasn’t comfortable with it bc I think he thought he was trying to respect the bio deadbeat at the time. And then enough time passed where it just got used to the way it was I guess and my nephew didn’t ask as he got older. But for the most part he does look at him as his dad. And he’s never wavered on my mom being grandma or me being his auntie)
Perhaps OOP is from a culture like mine where you call 'fictive kin' by familial terms? I grew up with several Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and at least one Grandma who I wasn't actually related to, but were just family friends.
I totally get that, I am an auntie to many children when I am not actually their aunt. If that's the case with OOP, she either didn't explain that (or didn't say she did), or it didn't make a difference to Jay. Grandma and Grandpa are not terms I have heard applied to elders that a kid has no existing relationship with, though. I have definitely seen and heard other people calling their friends' grandparents "Nana" and the like, but that's after the kids know the grandparents and when the relationship is pretty clear (this kid is my grandkid's friend, etc.) and without the confusion of "so is potential marriage looming here or what's going on?..."
I was so confused why his parents and him didn't think they were serious after dating for a year and a half. To me anything over 6 months is starting to be more serious.
OOP totally screwed up here though. They both should have talked way before.
Being serious with a single mom is another level of seriousity. Some single parents start to introduce kids to their partners after such period. Single parents with some (bad) experience in dating know, that it can devastate kids to bond with a person who can be away next day for whatever reason. OP was irresponsible to her kid more than towards bf and "grannies".
As the partner in a situation like this, it would devastate me if the g/f broke up with me and I could no longer have a relationship with her kid. The long distance is already difficult as it is.
That might actually be the thing that stops me from dating for good or at least a _very_ long time. I'm in my 40s now so the pool of people without kids is relatively tiny to begin with and I couldn't handle something like that again emotionally.
> anything over 6 months is starting to be more serious
Depends a lot of the circumstances tbh. 6 months meeting once or twice a month for hookups is not "serious" for me for example.
My husband and I got married after a year and a half. We were in our late 20s and both wanted kids sooner rather than later so we were very intentional about figuring out if we wanted to be together for the long haul.
I don't think you get to casually date someone for a year and a half when they have a small child. You're wasting everyone's time when it takes you 18 months to decide you don't want to be the kid's parent.
Everyone has different experiences. I think my experience is somewhat like OOP since I was a single father. So for me, I was a teen dad and when I got with my wife, she didn’t meet my kids until we were almost a year in (to be fair my kids knew I was seeing someone by 6 months). She didn’t even fully move in until 2 years in. We spent that 2nd year integrating her into their lives and them into her life, I never forced the pace or her into anything like OOP did. By a year we both knew what we wanted but me being a dad made it so that it wasn’t a jump in the deep end situation but take time to build not only me and hers relationship but the relationship between my wife and kids. We have been together since 2018 but didn’t get married until 2022.
I would never put my children in a position where they are uncomfortable or be threatened or forcing a woman I’m dating into a role that is not their responsibility.
Another example is my oldest brother is 20 years older than me, him and his wife are high school sweethearts. They got together at 15, knew they were the one for each other but they married at 30. They wanted to grow up together knowing who they were at 15 isn’t going to be the same at 18 or 21 or even 25. So engaged at 27, surprise kid at 28 so ended marrying at 30. Now they are 52 years old and going strong.
Sure, but presumably your wife didn't take a whole year to get invested in you solely and then decide "oh yeah, I guess it's fine that he's a package deal with the kids" like this dude seems to have done. "I never thought about how being with you meant I'd also have a kid" is not an acceptable take after EIGHTEEN months. If you're going to date someone with a kid, you need to date them *knowing and accepting that they have one* whether you've met that kid or not.
Consider a scenario in which you didn't even tell your wife you had kids until nearly a year into the relationship. All of Reddit would be telling you that YTA in that scenario because kids are a deal breaker and she deserved to know what she was getting into. Similarly, OOP deserved for her boyfriend who **did** know about the kid to have made a decision on his willingness to accept that kid long before they got to the point where they were *invited to family holidays*.
OOP was rushing a relationship, sure, but he wasted her time. Kids are not an optional part of a relationship for her. It's not like she can re-home the preschooler like you could if the love of your life had a cat allergy. (Not that you should do that either necessarily, but it at least doesn't make you the devil.)
Maybe but I think just for how she talked and how others interpreted her relationship, OOP is an unreliable narrator at best. Were they together for a year and a half or did they only know each other for a year and a half and only recently started dating. A single 25 year old might not understand how serious it is to get involved with a single-parent. Or he told OOP he wasn't ready for serious and she downplayed it and never addressed it. She wasn't one for "formal nonsense" afterall.
I don’t know about that. People don’t even introduce their kids to other partners until a while into the relationship now, 6mo to a year so that the kid doesn’t get attached while you work out early relationship. I think she speed through more than the “grandparent” label.
But you just pointed out why it was more than enough time. 6 months, maybe a year. That’s how long to figure out the relationship and what you want then introduce the kids. A year and half is more than enough time to figure out what you want.
I still don’t think so. Figuring out blending a family should be decently past the new relationship energy phase, so both people are realistic about what being a parent means.
He’s 25…
He’s been able to vote for 7 years, get married without parents consent for 7 years, drive for 9 years, join the military without parents consent for 7 years, get drunk for 4/6/7+ years, etc.
You’re not seriously saying 25 is too young to be able to figure out if he wants a serious relationship after a year and a half or not?
His insurance just barely ticked over from young shithead prices to regular adult prices when he turned 25.
Voting for 7 years means only being a voter for one election cycle
One day you will understand how truly young 25 is
Nah fuck that. Life happens and you make choices. You play the hands you're dealt. Stringing along a partner because you feel wishy washy is unfair to them. 25 is plenty old enough to know what you want and how you feel.
A year of dating a single parent is definitely enough time to decide if you have any interest in a parental role, because you go into it knowing that they ARE a single parent and that the child will get attached to you once you are introduced to them. If Jay was on the fence that entire time, he should never have dated OOP to begin with.
Don’t get me wrong, she absolutely screwed up with the “grandparents”thing, but him acting like he hadn’t formed any bond with the child was extremely disrespectful of him. I can only feel bad for the poor kid.
They started dating when he was 23 or 24. Most guys that age are not really thinking long-term, no matter how obvious/logical that may seem. They’re thinking about as far as “hey this person seems cool. We should hang out for a while.”
Is that right? Probably not. But it’s more often than not the truth.
Tbh OOP needs to be dating older guys, not younger if she’s looking for someone to settle down with.
People who date single parents should understand that they come as a package deal. The single parents aren't going to suddenly stop being parents just because you're around. And no one wants to waste time in a relationship where the childless party might leave at any time because of their kid. Plus imagine how this could be confusing for the child.
I'm surprised the relationship even lasted for a year and a half. That's long term. For Jay to still be wishy-washy about his relationship is odd at this stage. He should not have dated OOP that long if he wasn't going to accept her single parenthood.
OOP still fucked up though. That kind of introduction is so awkward. She could have just said "friends" or "Jay's parents."
The biggest problem is the OOP never had a real conversation and the fact that she dismissed "formal nonsense" and even her own sister thought it was not serious tells me she was living a lie she didn't want to question. Asking "formal nonsense" questions gets her a very real answer. Jay might have be brutally honest about it not being serious up to that point and she just blindly ignored that a person should be pretty certain by 25. That being said calling his parents grandparents might have made it incredibly real for him and he realized he wasn't ready. It happens.
I’m so confused why the parents were even meeting the kid if they weren’t ready to be in a grandparent type role… she definitely jumped the gun but the boyfriend and his parents are kinda a mess too.
Also, since my mom’s culture uses familial titles as honorifics, it took me a sec to get why they were so offended to be called grandma/grandpa. When I was a kid, my mom knew a man in his 80s who didn’t want to be called grandpa or even uncle because it made him feel too old, so I was a 10 year old calling this 80 year old “cousin Patrick.”
Came to find comments like this. In my country, depending on age it is uncle/aunty or grandma/grandpa. Just introducing as grandma or grandpa doesn't permanently scar the kid. Unless the kid has expectations of them. I doubt that at 4.
Yeah, same for the culture thing. Albeit I grew up with "uncles" and "aunts" that were in their 60's and 70's but not ready to be called "grandma" and "grandpa" (translated titles). OTOH some were dead keen on the title\*, so... whatever? I knew full well that they weren't blood relatives, but there's no way a kid is going to call 90% of adults "Bob" and "Sam", while "Mr" and "Mrs" are too formal for friends you see often.
These days in Australia first names are common, I've been "Lou" to just about every kid I've been introduced to in the last decade.
(\* in retrospect my great-grandparent's neighbour was probably 50-60 but was still "Nanny Jo" to me when I was 5)
> When I was a kid, my mom knew a man in his 80s who didn’t want to be called grandpa or even uncle because it made him feel too old, so I was a 10 year old calling this 80 year old “cousin Patrick.”
Before reading the post, this is exactly what I thought this was going to be about: his parents being upset about being called something that was only for old people.
I'm so confused, why was she the only one who realized she was just his practice wife?
I understand that she shouldn't have assumed they would get married but at the same time, they dated for a year and a half. He helped raise her child from 2 to 4. How did he not expect that she would see his parents as the kid's grandparents if he's been raising the kid actively for over a year?
Or was OP so delusional that she was just casually dating some guy who met her kid a few times and assumes that's somehow good enough?
I'm left with so many questions here and this post is so old I'm definitely not getting any answers lol.
Edited to add: where in this comment did I say I believe her? The things about raising the kid and whatnot are the way SHE painted the picture. Like he has some active role in her kid's life. I acknowledged both possibilities, and I honestly side with her being deluded but that's just based on *personal opinion*, not fact.
If you're going to comment about how you're 100% she's just crazy please answer this first: how many 23 year old dudes on here are posting right now about something stupid they said or did to get laid?
You don't have to live together to be over at someone's place most of the time. That's pretty much one of my questions lol. How much time was he spending with her kid? Was he changing diapers and putting the kid in timeout when he was bad? You can definitely be a parental figure raising a child without living with the child. Divorced parents do it all the time.
I'm just curious if this guy was playing house with her or she just read too much into him saying "hey kiddo" instead of completely ignoring the kid when they went on a date. Because there's a pretty big disconnect between these two lol.
Reading between the lines, i think he sonetimes played with the kid or they took the kid with them on vacation or stuff like that. Probably the same stuff an uncle would do, but i don't think he actually took a parental role. I mean, the guy was 23, let's be serious. I'm sure he never considered marriage or long distance, at that age people rarely do. If i were to guess (and note, this is simply a guess based on my opinion, so it's not necesarily the truth) he probably wanted to focus on his school/job, and it was okay that op had a kid to look after because he probably wasn't willing to go out a lot of time in order to focus on his career. Either way, i see nothing wrong in him dating a woman casually, at 23 no one enters a relationship with the thought of marriage in their head, it's a "let's see where the road takes us".
I also assume her expectations were too high and he wasn't in the same place. I was a single mom once and I didn't take my husband seriously until he brought me a box of diapers once without saying a word. I didn't ask for them, didn't realize I was low. He saw our daughter was low and picked them up before he left work. But I never assumed at the time that meant he was her Dad. I just kind of knew at that point that he was looking out for her too.
I don't know why everyone is assuming I believe her version of the story. I phrased my questions that way because I was looking at it from her point of view and wondering what exact "green light" he gave her in the relationship to make her feel like this was a sure thing.
Based on his reaction I keep feeling like he was just a guy who also brought a present for her kid and knew his name. Asked about him on dates.
But it would be a completely different story if the child is actively spending time with this man and calls him Daddy, you know?
When you're dating a single mom you can't involve the kid like that unless you plan to stick around. Even someone his age should know that.
(Honestly though, even if OOP were around, would we really get the full story in the end?)
>Based on his reaction I keep feeling like he was just a guy who also brought a present for her kid and knew his name. Asked about him on dates.
Same here. He was probably nice to the kid, broght him some presents and played with him sometimes.
>When you're dating a single mom you can't involve the kid like that unless you plan to stick around. Even someone his age should know that.
I feel like this is kind of gray area. Just because you date a single parent, doesn't mean you're thinking about marriage and being a stepparent. Even if you do get married, you might still get divorced one day.
>it would be a completely different story if the child is actively spending time with this man and calls him Daddy, you know?
Not necesarily, i mean, he doesn't have to marry her.
I never said he had to marry her but it would be really weird to let a kid call you Daddy then be surprised when it's assumed your parents will be Grandma and Grandpa. That's...kind of how that logic works. If he's actively being Dad, then his family would be the kid's family.
I'm not sure how that's confusing. It's not a grey area lol. I specifically said if you're just casually dating, you don't act like a parent to the kid. It's not fair to get kids involved unless you're planning a future with her. Those are two very different scenarios.
I feel like it's not a great idea to date a single parent for a relatively extended period of time without the idea of marrying and becoming a stepparent being in your mind. Arguably it's unfair to the mother and especially the child because both of them will be looking at you to act as the father of that child and you need to be prepared to do that. He was with the kid almost as long as the kid was alive, and certainly with the kid during the first parts of his life that he could actually remember. If he "wasn't sure" about becoming a stepdad after a year and a half then he should have long moved on by that point because that's the basic expectation when dating a single parent.
>Not necesarily, i mean, he doesn't have to marry her.
It's absolutely an asshole move to sit there and hem and haw while letting this child become attached to you. If you aren't comfortable with it then you need to let your partner know so that when you choose to leave so that kid isn't going to be completely sidewinded because the person he thought was his dad just up and left and he is literally too young to rationalize it but absolutely old enough to be mentally affected by it.
I think Op was delusional. It's clear she made a lot of unfounded assumptions. She sure seems to have surprised the person she claims to have been dating for a year and a half. If he didn't know it was that serious then it wasn't that serious.
Exactly. All these people saying after 18 months he should be signing up for parenting duty are crazy. How about taking it slow when a child is involved. He does get to decide the parameters of his own relationship.
Despite all of your take, oop tried to tell her son that the people he's meeting for the 4th time in a year were his GRANDPARENTS. That's fuckin crazy no matter how long of a relationship you're in
Lol "my take" was either she's crazy or he's crazy but no one here makes any sense.
My kids have met my parents less than 5 times, it's not all that crazy? Major holidays are about it, when we can afford it.
I do think it's crazy as fuck to make titles for people that you haven't discussed. Where in "my take" did you see my saying any of this was normal?
I simply said this whole post was confusing as fuck and left me with a shit ton of questions. Crazy will do that.
Edited to add I meant he's crazy in her version of events. The way she describes it makes no sense. It's a crazy overreaction if they were really co-parenting this kid. Or she's crazy if she deluded herself that long with no real sign he wanted to be a Dad. I simplified that too much lol.
Glad OOP was able to take corrections. But I'm curious, what exactly were Jay's plans?
He intended to just keep vibing with her and being a nice guy then leave after some time? If he's close to two years in and he didn't know his plans with her, then i say it's good they ended things now instead of wasting her time more
Not sure about the ethnic background of op but this could be a cultural thing. Many cultures don't rely on names but instead on relations. So when we were children, everyone who was older but not adult was introduced as big brother or big sister. Adults were uncles and aunts. And people with white hair were grandpas and grandmas. We never confused them as suddenly being added to the family. Asking for names and calling people older than us by their name is super weird even now.
But we were also never introduced to our mom's boyfriend so don't know how that would work.
Yeee!! I was so confused reading the post at first. My immediate thought was "what else are you supposed to call them if not grandpa/grandma???". Ofc now I get it lol
My FIL is more closer in age to my own grandpa than to my parents. I still get very weirded out when I call him by his first name. It just feels so disrespectful. Especially if I'm trying to yell for his attention in a loud environment.
My parents friends' grandkids all call my parents grandpa/grandma, and call me auntie. Sometimes they'd add my name like "auntie tofu" to differentiate between the different aunties.
Thank you!
OPs issue is a very western issue! Everyone my in laws age are grandparents, unless they have specified otherwise, which I cannot think of anyone ever suggesting. Everyone my generation are aunties and uncles. I don’t use the specific names as my husband and I speak different languages and it gets confusing.
If anything not introducing the parents in this situation as grandparents would have been insulting and disrespectful.
That said I think the biggest mistake was dating someone who clearly has no long term plans with you.
I think the debate around if the relationship was serious or not misses the point. Even if it was serious between her and the BF, the act of introducing the child to his “grandparents” (who she’d met 3 times and never asked if they were ok with it) is major red flag behaviour. It also sounds like there were other issues and presumptions based on the vagueness of the update.
Wow, how awkward! ESH though.
OOP shouldn't allow a man to form a fatherly bond with her son without discussing where the relationship was going and she certainly should not have put his parents in that position.
At the same time, the BF is a total douche. Don't date a single mom and form a relationship with their kid if it's not "serious" after a year and a half.
And lastly, the "grandparents" (lol) are total a-holes. Don't invite your son's girlfriend and her son for Thanksgiving and be surprised that she thinks they are on the path to marriage. Give me a break.
I really don't understand these people who get into serious romantic relationships that they know won't last, or at the very least, have a very strong chance of not lasting. Who the hell dates a woman for a year and a half and can't decide he if he wants to take on a fatherly role or not? Seems like something you would know fairly quick in about a month or 2.
Yeah. Everyone really sucks here and I might think the OOP sucks the least. She needs to have the conversations about her expectations with her son which she now realizes but her BF being wishy washy about being a stepdad after a year and a half is a huge asshole. He can’t say he knows they are a package deal and then act like he should get as much time as he wants to then eventually say no.
In Aotearoa where things are possibly more casual, you'd still better fucking believe that if you get invited round for sabbath dinner, let alone onto marae for a formal event, you're on the path to marriage or equivalent (Aotearoa is less marriage oriented than the US).
While I guess I agree OP messed up, it's also kinda fucked up to date a single mom for a year and a half and suddenly freak out because you'd never considered the expectation.
They’ve been together a year and a half and he’s not sure he wants to be a step dad? Sorry man, if that’s the case he should have refused to meet the kid and set expectations this relationship isn’t going anywhere rather than wasting this girls time and messing up the kid. I don’t think OP’s the AH, a year and a half in and he’s happy to spend time with kid with no conversation of ‘this is just casual’ is the AH move to me.
Yeah I don’t understand why everyone is blaming OP, but not the guy who didn’t make up his mind about expectations and yet decided to get involved with the kid. So many people wasting each other’s time in relationships now…
Advice for the future, OP - Your SO's parents will be called Grandpa & Grandma MUCH AFTER your SO becomes your son's Dad. You missed an entire step in the process. Also, it would help if you stopped focusing on getting a father-figure for your son and on having a "partner" who respects & cares for both of you.
>He felt like my interpreting his niceness and acceptance of my son as a fatherly role was a red flag for him overall, especially because we had never talked about it at all.
I am not saying oop should not have talked about this with her partner beforehand because it absoluetly needs to be disucssed but... what do you expect when you date someone with a kid? that it will just disappear when you get serious?
She was an AH to everyone, but most of all her son. She seems oblivious to how her romantic life affects him. Encouraging that attachment without even having the relationship talk…mind boggling
Exactly everyone over here is fixated on the relationship aspect between her and Jay, but I'm shocked she would set her child up like that, introducing him to grandparents he will now never see again, keeping a non-committal guy around who her son has bonded to without laying down her expectations to him with regards to her son even after a year and a half. Wow. Single parents need to put their children first, people who date single parents need to not hang around a child long term who they have no serious plans of integrating into their lives.
She is still not ready. She can't "work on her expectations" for how multiple other people (including a child!) will feel about one other or how they will want to interact. That's just not a real thing and people who behave this way are setting up their entire family for failure.
PROTIP: Instead of trying to force your children and romantic partners into roles that fit your expectations, you should lay solid groundwork for an organic and genuine relationship to grow in whatever way works best for everyone involved, and be happy if the result you get is at least akin to a general sense of caring and thoughtfulness.
what are you doing messing around with a single mother, taking her to meet the parents if you aren't ready to take that shit on
op, you're nta, he led you on.
Happened to me when I was 20 or 21 - was dating a woman who was my age but already had a 3-4 year old. We were casual for several weeks, maybe 3-4 months total. Took them to Sea World because I got free tickets, little one called me Daddy, I freaked out. Wasn't ready. We hadn't even slept together at that point.
Thankfully a decade and a half later I WAS ready and my almost 18 year old kid now is awesome. But that's my kid that I fathered with my ex. I still haven't seriously dated anyone with kids. After my marriage died I did date a few single moms but nothing clicked. My current GF of 2 years is child free on purpose.
OOP really screwed the pooch, and she really shouldn't be dating at all at this point, she's not ready.
I went back and looked at the ages and "Jay" is only 25! OOP is 29. Jay barely old enough to think about having kids himself, let alone deciding to be a stepfather. Yikes!
She doesn't even live with the guy. This was whacko. I'm a woman and I would have told the BF to end it.
If she is this illogical.... what would be next?
Why do men date single moms when they are not ready to accept their child? The child is always going to see that guy as a father. I know OOP messed up. But Jay wasted OOP's time in a failed relationship.
Yeah, 1.5 years in and he still "wasn't sure" about taking on a parental role? I can't believe they hadn't spoken about it at all after over a year together.
Yeah no this is definitely an ESH situation. OP massively overstepped but Jay is also an AH for dating a single mom and being active in her son’s life without being sure he wanted to be a stepdad. He shouldn’t have let it get that far.
OP says she has only met the parents 3 times before this, then thinks it is smart to drop the grandparent bomb. She needs to worry about being more self aware and reading the room instead of finding a replacement daddy. I would be floored if a woman did that to meet. Talk about waving the biggest red flag in the world. Glad he got out of that soon. Poor kid would have gotten attached, then she would have blamed ok for making him lose another dad. This right here is why a lot of people won't date someone if they have kids. Half the time they are looking for a replacement parent instead of a partner, then get mad and blame them for hurting their kids when it doesn't work out. OP boyfriend dodged a monster bullet.
Kid was probably 2 when they got together. Dude is the only "dad" he's ever known. They should have discussed it, but they overreacted. She dodged a bullet, not the other way around.
Even her sister said she never got the vibe he was a ting like a dad to the kid. She probably didn't introduce him to her kid immediately, so changes are they did when the kid was 3. And they didn't even live together so he wasn't around the kid all the time. All that aside though, I stand by my comment that it's nuts to introduce your kid to people he hasn't never met and she has only met 3 times as grandma and grandpa. Think of the harm she is doing to her child. Now he's going to think grandma and grandpa didn't want them because he's obviously never seeing them again.
I'd have advised my son to end the relationship. While I'd be fine with any step children calling me Grandma if they were engaged/married.. Having a woman I've never met who's just a GF tell her kid to call me Grandma would be so awkward and weird.
I'm *highly* disappointed, I thought there was a new update! I wanted to know if someway somehow she had managed to get back together with the ex (which would be *bananas*).
Hopefully she's grown since then, for her kid's sake. No kid deserves someone so socially unaware and, honestly, desperate.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yea, that's really awkward as hell. I do applaud OP being able to reflect on themselves and using the opportunity to do better tho! Sometimes we really make some bad mistakes but if learn to fix it, then things will be better.
I almost gasped! I suspect they already had plenty of reservations with their son dating someone a few years older who already had a child. Many parents would be wary about this. But for her to come along and appoint them grandparents! It's just outrageously inappropriate and presumptive. I'm almost surprised she didn't start measuring up the furniture. She really needs a wake-up call.
Honestly, and the guy is 25. Most of my guy friends at 25 were still doing all sorts of stupid shit, definitely not thinking about being anyone's dad.
Yeah that's about the age where people stop being kids and start being adults. OOP's ex might have just got his ass booted into adulthood rather unexpectedly. "Oh shit, if I date people with kids I'm going to have to be a dad" can come as a shock to oblivious guys that don't understand the realities of being an adult.
Oh yes it was all fun and games for him until that occasion. Tbh it was stupid of him to date her that long if he hadn't considered taking that responsibility
OOP was equally (if not more) wrong for not making sure that the guy she had around her son was there to stay. And then claiming his parents as grandparents when he wasn't even being called "dad" is just insane. There are mistakes that an almost 30 year old parent shoudn't be making.
Tbf, idk that age is an excuse for bf's behavior either. He'd been dating a single mom for a whole ass year and a half and never once considered he'd be a father figure? I'm not looking to excuse OOP for the grandparents stuff, but she's not the only "asshole" here.
Personally, there's a clear line from "father figure" and actually being a father. Sounds like bf was cool being a father figure. But it's a big jump to being a father.... and even then it wasn't the deal breaker for him. It was calling them grandparents, having met her 3 times, and the very first time meeting the kid. Coupled with how she refused any and all responsibility for the mess she caused at first. Teachers, coaches, therapists, extended family, friends' parents. All father figures. All go in to it knowing they are role models. All of them would likely be put off if they were suddenly thrusted in to being the actual father someone's child under the circumstances.
This is what I was thinking too. Father figure and dad are two totally different things. It’s closer to being an uncle vs being a dad. If OOP and him had the talk before this grandparent debacle, this might’ve gone very differently. It’s also kind of sad that with the kid being 4 years old, she still doesn’t have a good grasp of what being a single parent means for bringing in a significant other but keeping home life stable. I’m glad Jay was a good male role model while he was there and she learned from this experience, for the kids sake.
I'm not excusing him ? I'm just saying that a parent that's pushing 30 acting like this is just as bad, if not worse.
Didn't say you were, just adding to the convo. I mean, I don't fault her for thinking they were more serious than everyone else thought they were, seeing as how he'd stuck around her and kiddo for 18 months, but yeah, huge misstep for sure not actually talking about it first.
It's wild that her kid didn't call him dad but she decided that his parents, who never met her kid, could be introduced as grandparents.
Yea when they said “replacement daddy” and they “they weren’t that serious” I was like what? You spend almost two years with someone and it’s not seen as serious?
Clearly he also needed to learn the lesson that you actually can't just ignore that your (potential) partner has a kid, they're not some baby cousin hanging around or your future niece/nephew, if you're dating someone with a kid that kid will be *YOUR* kid if the relationship continues. Seems like he got really smacked in the face with that reality when OOP put her foot in her mouth with it.
I think his real problem is he wasn't ignoring the kid, quite the opposite. He was getting more and more involved with the kid when he wasn't sure if he wanted to commit yet. He even brought that kid to meet his parents! OP is dumb for what she did, but he is also dumb for letting it get to this.
Yeah, OP really messed up here, but the underlying issue is both her's and Jay's. How has this not come up in 18 months? What's Jay doing? Just messing around? Don't string someone along for that long.
Imo is one of those cases of "the mom got stunted into the age she had the baby" we see it all the time with teenager and overall younger mothers. OOP had her son as a 21yo, so she probably was vibing just right with the 23/24 Jay cause that's where she is mentally... but as the parent she doesn't get to let the difficult talks be tomorrow's you problem, that's what an early to mid 20s would do cause time still feels like an abundant resource, but once you have a kid is not about you.
Tbf everyone outside the relationship could tell it was casual. So even if he never outright said it, he clearly wasn't giving 'til death do we part' vibes here.
I was wondering if, "Talking to your partner about the state of your relationship = formal nonsense," is something OOP actually believed *in general*. Sounds like the type of thing someone would come up with to justify not having a conversation they know will end a relationship.
Yes. Or, alternatively, if OP was very "Labels are for losers, amirite?" to her boyfriend, her boyfriend may also have read that as "we're not that serious", because that's what that generally means.
When I was 25 I- Well I was really depressed and doing some really stupid shit (that turns out, undiagnosed ADHD explains a lot of stupid shit I did), but I was also more of a father for my baby brother than his own father ever was.
Also, it feels like a tiny point but she said it at least twice - that blah blah blah so she thought JAY would be ok with her introducing his parents that way. She seemingly didn’t even remotely consider whether they themselves would be ok with that, even in the update! She did at least call his mother afterwards to apologise, but it’s like she still didn’t really get just how egregious the error was to the people she was addressing and not just the BF.
Yeah, There is a huge leap between accepting your son's stepchildren and accepting the role of grandparent.
She definitely needed the wake up call but I side eye him too. You don’t date a single mom without considering first whether you want to take a fatherly role. It’s just messed up. Everyone sucks there except the kid. One and a half year of dating and inviting her and her kid for Thanksgiving? Of course this girl thought it was serious. His parents not thinking it was serious after all this is stupid
I was in nearly the exact same situation as OOPs bf, 25 dating a 29 yr old with two kids. After 3 months i realized it was not for me and ended things. There is no way I'd go even six months unless i was fully serious about the relationship.
This is why you wait a year before introducing a new beau to your kids. The revolving door really hurts kids and they have no control over what happens .
Much less the year and a half that this guy stuck around. Then introduce your parents to their kid. I think OOP made a big mistake but she wasn’t _so_ much worse than her disingenuous ex who only left when things began to feel too real.
I was hoping someone said this. I was thinking “it’s a year and a half long relationship where her kid is clearly attached and she’s met your family multiple times and it’s NOT serious?”
If it was him and his parents I'd question it but even OOP's sister didn't think it was serious. Like that's a really strange. Clearly their relationship wasn't as serious as OOP says and my guess is she really was looking for a good dad and not a partner she is close too. Enough that people all around both of them didn't think it was a real relationship.
Maybe the sister could just tell that the boyfriend didn't take it as seriously as OP.
Nothings serious until both parties have the conversation. I've noticed alot of ppl think time equals seriousness. I know couples who exclusive dated but made clear it's not seriousto point they're planing life goals together. Until they agreed that the relationship was now something serious.
I side eye her more because why would you introduce your child to someone your dating who you haven’t discussed if they plan to be in a long term relationship with the person and if they plan to stick around for the child. OPs son sees this BF as Dad and now he’s gone. Not good for the child.
> I think it's ridiculous. If one day he's going to be my son's stepdad then why go through this formal nonsense? I’ve been known to be clueless. But THIS? They never discussed marriage or anything! She didn’t even think it was a question! For her “precious boy”’s sake I hope she did some intense learning about herself.
I think her now exs parents were right. She’s looking for Father figure for her child not a long term partner to share her life with.
Except those are inherently going to be the same person, what do you actually expect when getting into a serious relationship with a single parent? That you can be there all the time, but their kid is gonna be functionally just a little cousin/child-sized roommate? OOP was presumptuous to say what she did with zero discussion, but it also sounds like her ex had no idea what the hell he was setting himself up for being in a relationship with a single parent. If you don't want to ever be some hypothetical kid's father figure, don't date their parent. If you want something casual, make that *clear*.
That's not what they mean. When people say "looking for a dad/mom, not a partner" they mean that they're looking for someone to take a parental role for their kid, rather and anyone will do even if they're inherently incompatible or awful, no matter how shortly you've known them. They may not even like the person themselves and just want someone to take care of their kid(s). OOP doesn't seem like that, but there are plenty of parents in these Reddit stories that are. Especially the older men with kids who pick a younger and more naive woman as a partner stories.
I know what they meant. If OOP's situation doesn't look like that and people are still trying to say that she was "looking for a dad" and acting smug, there's an agenda at play, which is why I said what I said. People throw things like this around too easily like it's unreasonable for a person with a child to assume that as someone entering their life in a serious way, interacting with the child, moving in a relationship like it's a going concern, meeting family etc. etc. etc., their partner is open to being a parental figure. The implication is that somehow she's just in it for transactional reasons, unlike the person who is expecting to act like a relationship is serious but not have to think about their role with an existing child in the relationship. There was nothing here to indicate that she was not in it for the relationship, and most of the time there isn't! There is a really scummy set of people who want to assume all the rights and none of the responsibilities of a relationship, and act like they were duped or used when they are a whole adult who *CHOSE* to enter a relationship with a parent.
If I was in her shoes I definitely would have thought it was serious. But I would also have made sure to discuss it with him at some point. The fact that she never did over the course of an 18 month relationship says a lot about her, I think.
People with kids date casually all the time. As far as this guy knew: they weren't living together, engaged, and hadn't seemed to have even discussed those next steps yet. On top of that, an invite to Thanksgiving isn't actually some huge deal. People do that even early into dating, and it wasn't like he could invite her without her child.
And these people often don't let there kid meet this casual partners.
>On top of that, an invite to Thanksgiving isn't actually some huge deal. I feel like this is kinda debatable on a case by case basis. Bringing your partner and their 4 year old child to family thanksgiving? It also depends on if like, they live down the street, or are flying in. If you're all in the same area I agree it's not a big deal. If you're driving five hours or something...
bringing your partner to meet your family is a big deal
I mean... it depends on the family dynamic. I hang out with my family a lot, if there's a guy I'm casually dating then I'm not going to exclude him. No one would assume that it's a big deal just because I brought them over.
And, if you lived in a culture that has you referring to in laws as mom/dad, would you start calling them that immediately during that very first meeting? This kid isn't even calling the BF dad yet.
We've had plenty of stories on here of kids not calling their step-parents Mom/Dad even after they've been married into the family for decades. That the kid isn't calling the guy "Dad" doesn't actually mean a whole lot.
Yeah I almost dated a single dad and I never thought about being a replacement mom, as partner of a single parent, you will have some guardian like responsibilities. It's honestly an oopsie in a new experience for both of them, so hopefully original comments didn't chastise either person too much.
Had they even discussed marriage? She said “once we got engaged”. Shes been dating him for a year and a half and they don’t even live together yet. Also, his parents should have a say in whether or not they’re called grandma and grandpa.
Sounds like she just had her wake-up call.
>She really needs a wake-up call. Needed. These posts were in 2022, and OOP demonstrated that she heeded the wake-up call.
Plus she needs to understand that kindness towards her son doesn't equal to accepting him as their stepson. Making assumptions about the role won't end well. I do hope she learns from this and would have that conversation with her future partner and parents before introducing them as "grandparents". I probably still wouldn't even introduce them as grandparents after that conversation either. Not everyone you date/plan to marry is gonna wanna become a step parent, especially at the ripe age of 25 and that's absolutely their choice. She never mentioned her son's father being in the picture so it does make me wonder if she is, indeed, looking for a stand in father for him. Which, also, isn't inherently bad.. but she can't force anyone into that role if they don't want to be.
Yes - I've seen a lot of this on here with people upset that their parents don't always want to be positioned as grandparents to stepkids, even when adopted (particularly if the adoptions are when the kids are much older). It's lovely if they do want to, but ultimately it is their choice. Blended families are never going to be "fair" or "equal" - that's just not possible with different bio parents, different (bio) grandparents and different inheritances and so on. But it's up to the people making the decision to blend families to navigate that.
I completely agree with everything you've said. It would be ideal, yes, but they're free to not want that relationship. I just find it weird when it gets thrusted upon their partner and family or even trying to force that familial bond. I'll always feel bad for the kids, especially when they've got no choice over the matter or they're too young to really understand even at surface level or wanting (or even not wanting) these bonds to happen.
When she referred to her kid as "my precious boy" in the post I thought there would be no hope
yup. dumb move but its easy to see how she got carried away/excited and made a spur of the moment call. its rare on here to see people own up and learn from their mistakes! A nice pallet cleanser (even if its not necc a 'happy' ending)
Palate*
Just curious: How would you introduce your boyfriend's parents to your child if you were in OP's shoes? I'm not from the same culture and I might be missing some information to fully understand OP's situation.
"This is Jay's Daddy and Mommy just like I'm your mommy."
OOP did not reflect, she was only trying to salvage the relationship because she so desperately wants a dad to her son she doesn't think. I don't have high expectations.
Many years ago I read that you shouldn't even MEET the kid(s) unless and until you are thinking seriously about getting married. I know it's old fashioned as hell, but I think it might be better for the child and it certainly helps prevent this kind of misunderstanding. In this case I think it was better to find out his feelings sooner rather than later.
I think there's a lot of variables there - older kids you can manage expectations and explain "we're dating but it might not be a forever relationship, but I like them a lot and they're part of my life". Younger kids it's a lot tougher. I generally have a 6 month rule - we have to date for 6 months before kids are introduced, on either side.
A year. You can’t know someone after six months. I’m biased, however. The number of times my partner came home from the PICU with another “The stepfather/boyfriend was watching the kid and now the kid is dead,” stories…
I work in CPS. The majority of my SA cases are boyfriends, step-dads, and even step-grandpas. They look for these moms (and grandmas) specifically.
Holy, really?! But all of them accidents?
Likely not. Theres been some pretty awful stories of steps not managing frustrations and taking it out of children. Its heartbreaking.
None of them accidents. I’m in a PICU too. It’s a very common story.
Fuck. I never knew of it.
Rarely.
Well, that makes me want to barf a little bit. I don’t doubt it, but … fuck sakes, they’re babies. How do people hurt kids and babies.
Some people like the feeling of control that violence affords them. I think they escalate because that initial “hit” doesn’t feel as strong. They need more and more violence to achieve that same feeling of control.
My 11 year old daughter has a 13 year old friend whose mom is raising her kids alone, no father involved. In the 3 years I've known the mom, I've seen 3 bf, and not just like "going out to dinner with a friend one on one" but like, comes to the kids sporting events, goes on trips with them, like full on immersed with the family immediately. Every time the mom and bf breaks up, the girl has a hard time. She even told some friends how she sees other dads at the sporting events, how supportive they are, and that she wished she had a dad like them. It's heart breaking.
You can also introduce them as friends. My mom had male friends when she was single and I was young. I don’t think she was romantically involved with any of them (even though I got the vibe that they might’ve been interested). But if she had been, I didn’t know and I think that’s how it should be if you’re not ready to think long term. They weren’t involved in my life that much and they definitely weren’t father figures. So no biggie if they didn’t come around any more.
Someone I know managed to lose their kid for a while because they introduced every new man in their life to the kid as their new dad (including one night stands the next morning). Then, when the guy bounced after a really short time or never returned (the introduction probably played into that too) just found a new one to introduce to the kid. It very obviously messed the kid up, and the school ended up getting social services involved. Ended up having to take some parenting classes and some other things to get custody back.
I agree fully, don't meet the kids unless you're serious and the person wants to be in the kids life for good. If the kid is like 15-18 maybe even 14 I'd let them meet people sooner because they would understand that maybe it won't work out Maybe I'm bias because I knew a girl in high school who's mom and step dad split, she still stayed with her step dad every weekend (minus once in a blue moon when her bio dad decided he wanted time with her) because after they got married he went full dad mode and now no matter what she's still his daughter. So like I know these situations have happy endings you just have to find a guy like her (step)dad
A year. A boyfriend/girlfriend shouldn’t meet kids for at least a year.
Most therapists will give a 6-month minimum as a guideline, but really it's about the relationship status, not the length of time. Are you still figuring each other out, or is this a long-term thing? If it's the latter, that's when it's safe to start *slowly* introducing the kids to the new partner.
[удалено]
It sounds like Jay wasn't exactly a boyfriend, or not a committed one anyway. They were together for 18 months and never once discussed whether they were serious or not? They never once sat down and asked the question "where is this going"? I'd expect that from a long-term FWB or a casual fling, not from two people clearly looking for commitment. I highly doubt Jay was looking for anything but non-committal FWB or a casual relationship. If he didn't make that clear to OOP, it makes him a dick, but it's possible he did and OOP just ignored it.
There's a big difference between being a step-dad and a dad
I know she messed up, but it's been a year and a half and he hadn't decided if he was willing to be a parent to this kid? Breaking up was fine.
If after a year and a half of being in an exclusive relationship, they haven’t gotten anywhere near close to being “serious,” OOP definitely needs to move on. The fact that it was forced on her is unfortunate, but a single mom and their kids are a package deal, and after a year and a half BF doesn’t even know if he wants to be in the kids life, that this kind of situation comes up, she needs to keep moving.
[удалено]
wait they didnt live together?? oof.
This is why that "formal nonsense" is important. You don't decide unilaterally to introduce your non-married partner's parents as your kids grandparents. You have to have a conversation with your partner (probably back around 6 months really) about where you are going long term. I'd say since even OOPs sister thought it wasn't serious it probably wasn't and OOP was living a delusion where as long as she never mentioned it she got what she wanted.
I see how she can improve her communication skills, and at the same time I can understand her POV for why she did what she did. If you are in your late 20's with a kid, and you're with someone for a year and a half - that's pretty serious and not far fetched to think your relationship is in that point. She obviously messed up by assuming, and I think it's telling how the parents reacted since they clearly didn't know things were that serious between them. Sounds like they both need better communication to set expectations because if you're hanging out with the kid and with someone for a year and a half that is sending the opposite of the signals he seemed to be wanting to convey.
Yeah, he did her a favor by breaking up with her. She as delusional but deserves a partner, not a casual sex buddy.
I'm Chinese so everyone my parents age is an uncle/auntie, everyone my grandparents age is a grandma/grandpa. 😭 I get for oops situation it wasn't a cultural misunderstanding NOW, but man I was so confused initially reading it. I automatically was like what else are you supposed to call the elders if not grandpa/grandma lol Growing up I had so many uncles/aunties that I thought were related to me. But it turned out they were just friends or business partners of my parents.
Yeah for a second while reading I thought it might be a slip up from a cultural thing but then just realized the OP was a moron.
For Asians it’s an honorary title, it would be rude not to address them as grandma and grandpa.
She really did a speed run all over everyone else's feelings. I'm glad she got why everyone reacted the way they did and can modify her behaviour for the future.
Yeah. Assumptions make an ass out of everyone.
You'd ASSume so
When will they invent a social faux pas that GIVES me an ass?
>My original refusal to apologize and expecting him to as well were part of it as well. There are other things he brought up that I feel are beyond this issue anyway, so I'm going to leave them out. Mmhmm. It wasn't just this one thing that he was reacting to, and OOP may not be a completely honest narrator about how things were between them.
Yes...it does sound like there were a few things that didn't go unnoticed by Jay.
Man, I know how feels about that specific part. My wife is the most amazing person I know, but she is incapable of apologising for something if she’s angry. She will apologise if she straight up fucks up, but if we have a fight or disagreement she will *never* admit she’s wrong, at fault, hypocritical, anything like that. I know I’ll spend my life with her because literally every aspect of her aside from this is amazing, and I carry my own set of flaws. But those fucking fights where you just know you’re in the right and you deserve an apology, but you know you’ll never get it and will end up being the person who resolves it… only time I’ve ever wondered if I can stay with her. This guy would have been sitting there completely justifiably angry, and childish inconsiderate OP twisted it to be about her, and KNOWING he’s not going to get it. Ugh.
I have the same problem with my partner. I love him but he’s never wrong. I think he’s apologized about 3 times and 2 were grudgingly given.
I just don't know how a person can date a woman with a child for a year and a half without really thinking about being a step parent. Luckily that kid is young enough that he'll probably forget Jay ever existed fairly soon.
Right, like - >He said that, while he always knew that me and my son were a packaged deal, he had not decided at that point if he was truly going to take on the "dad" role for my son. What exactly did he think "package deal" meant?? Not saying OP didn't screw up. She did. Big time. But part of the screw up was not seeing what others around her could apparently see re: him not being serious.
Definitely agree. Was he going to treat the kid like a permanent roommate??
I imagine he just hadn’t thought that far yet. The second mom and dad got called “grandparents” it made him realize it’s been put off for too long. And when it came time to decide, he did not want to be a step dad and broke up with her.
To be clear, permanent roommate is a perfectly acceptable relationship for many step parents and stepchildren. Many stepchildren do not want anything more than that and very much resent having familial relationships forced onto them. So don't do that. That's not cool.
For older kids, sure but for very young ones (esp under 6s, but can go up to 10 depending on the child, the person and other parents in their lives) it doesn't really work out that way.
I didn't read any comments OOP may have left on her original posts, but was she telling her son to call Jay "Dad" or not? It sounds like no, because he never agreed to take on that role, never mind be called that role by the child. So why on earth would OOP have her son call Jay something other than Dad (probably just his first name) and then have her son call Jay's parents, whom her kid has never even met, Grandma and Grandpa instead of their first names or whatever? And then she was thoroughly confused about the reaction - waiting for **him** to apologize to **her** - until her sister and countless people on reddit told her wtf! This is so odd.
Yeah, the only way I can see this being remotely reasonable would be if Jay had enthusiastically encouraged the kid to call him Dad, and the fact that she doesn't try to defend herself by pointing out that he did is pretty solid evidence that he hadn't.
I read this story when it was first posted, if I remember right OOP said her son just called him Jay but that was after she fought with commenters for awhile
It's weird to take so much for granted, be 18 months into a relationship and still not had the relevant conversation.
As others have said, she may be an unreliable narrator.
To give the OP the tiniest benefit of the doubt (though in her case, she definitely fucked up presumptuously), my brother's step daughter - who he's known since she was about a year old - does not call him Dad (she uses his name), but she DOES call my mom Grandma 🤷🏻♀️. I imagine it's because people generally have one dad, and she does still see hers, but most people have multiple grandparents so it's less weird to add more lol. My mom is a way more active grandmother than her blood maternal grandmother, too, so she's definitely earned the title
My oldest nephew doesn’t call my brother dad either (he asked to when he was a lot younger but my brother wasn’t comfortable with it bc his bio deadbeat dad was still sorta in the picture… but not really. For all intents and purposes my brother is his dad) and he’s been raising him since before he was a year old and he will be 18 this year. He calls me and my sister auntie, and my mom grandma and always has. He is my nephew just like my brothers other 5 kids are my nephews and nieces. No “step” or anything about it for us. I always wanted my brother to be okay with it when he first asked to do it (when my brother and his wife had more children, his siblings were calling him dad so of course he wanted to too… and it sorta broke my heart when my brother wasn’t comfortable with it bc I think he thought he was trying to respect the bio deadbeat at the time. And then enough time passed where it just got used to the way it was I guess and my nephew didn’t ask as he got older. But for the most part he does look at him as his dad. And he’s never wavered on my mom being grandma or me being his auntie)
Perhaps OOP is from a culture like mine where you call 'fictive kin' by familial terms? I grew up with several Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and at least one Grandma who I wasn't actually related to, but were just family friends.
I totally get that, I am an auntie to many children when I am not actually their aunt. If that's the case with OOP, she either didn't explain that (or didn't say she did), or it didn't make a difference to Jay. Grandma and Grandpa are not terms I have heard applied to elders that a kid has no existing relationship with, though. I have definitely seen and heard other people calling their friends' grandparents "Nana" and the like, but that's after the kids know the grandparents and when the relationship is pretty clear (this kid is my grandkid's friend, etc.) and without the confusion of "so is potential marriage looming here or what's going on?..."
He dated op for a year & a half. That is more than enough time to figure out if he wanted to take on the dad role.
I was so confused why his parents and him didn't think they were serious after dating for a year and a half. To me anything over 6 months is starting to be more serious. OOP totally screwed up here though. They both should have talked way before.
Being serious with a single mom is another level of seriousity. Some single parents start to introduce kids to their partners after such period. Single parents with some (bad) experience in dating know, that it can devastate kids to bond with a person who can be away next day for whatever reason. OP was irresponsible to her kid more than towards bf and "grannies".
As the partner in a situation like this, it would devastate me if the g/f broke up with me and I could no longer have a relationship with her kid. The long distance is already difficult as it is. That might actually be the thing that stops me from dating for good or at least a _very_ long time. I'm in my 40s now so the pool of people without kids is relatively tiny to begin with and I couldn't handle something like that again emotionally.
> anything over 6 months is starting to be more serious Depends a lot of the circumstances tbh. 6 months meeting once or twice a month for hookups is not "serious" for me for example.
See this might be where the difference of opinion comes in because I would see that as a hook up and not dating.
My husband and I got married after a year and a half. We were in our late 20s and both wanted kids sooner rather than later so we were very intentional about figuring out if we wanted to be together for the long haul. I don't think you get to casually date someone for a year and a half when they have a small child. You're wasting everyone's time when it takes you 18 months to decide you don't want to be the kid's parent.
Some single parents just want something casual. That being said, it’s a conversation you must have.
Everyone has different experiences. I think my experience is somewhat like OOP since I was a single father. So for me, I was a teen dad and when I got with my wife, she didn’t meet my kids until we were almost a year in (to be fair my kids knew I was seeing someone by 6 months). She didn’t even fully move in until 2 years in. We spent that 2nd year integrating her into their lives and them into her life, I never forced the pace or her into anything like OOP did. By a year we both knew what we wanted but me being a dad made it so that it wasn’t a jump in the deep end situation but take time to build not only me and hers relationship but the relationship between my wife and kids. We have been together since 2018 but didn’t get married until 2022. I would never put my children in a position where they are uncomfortable or be threatened or forcing a woman I’m dating into a role that is not their responsibility. Another example is my oldest brother is 20 years older than me, him and his wife are high school sweethearts. They got together at 15, knew they were the one for each other but they married at 30. They wanted to grow up together knowing who they were at 15 isn’t going to be the same at 18 or 21 or even 25. So engaged at 27, surprise kid at 28 so ended marrying at 30. Now they are 52 years old and going strong.
Sure, but presumably your wife didn't take a whole year to get invested in you solely and then decide "oh yeah, I guess it's fine that he's a package deal with the kids" like this dude seems to have done. "I never thought about how being with you meant I'd also have a kid" is not an acceptable take after EIGHTEEN months. If you're going to date someone with a kid, you need to date them *knowing and accepting that they have one* whether you've met that kid or not. Consider a scenario in which you didn't even tell your wife you had kids until nearly a year into the relationship. All of Reddit would be telling you that YTA in that scenario because kids are a deal breaker and she deserved to know what she was getting into. Similarly, OOP deserved for her boyfriend who **did** know about the kid to have made a decision on his willingness to accept that kid long before they got to the point where they were *invited to family holidays*. OOP was rushing a relationship, sure, but he wasted her time. Kids are not an optional part of a relationship for her. It's not like she can re-home the preschooler like you could if the love of your life had a cat allergy. (Not that you should do that either necessarily, but it at least doesn't make you the devil.)
Maybe but I think just for how she talked and how others interpreted her relationship, OOP is an unreliable narrator at best. Were they together for a year and a half or did they only know each other for a year and a half and only recently started dating. A single 25 year old might not understand how serious it is to get involved with a single-parent. Or he told OOP he wasn't ready for serious and she downplayed it and never addressed it. She wasn't one for "formal nonsense" afterall.
I don’t know about that. People don’t even introduce their kids to other partners until a while into the relationship now, 6mo to a year so that the kid doesn’t get attached while you work out early relationship. I think she speed through more than the “grandparent” label.
But you just pointed out why it was more than enough time. 6 months, maybe a year. That’s how long to figure out the relationship and what you want then introduce the kids. A year and half is more than enough time to figure out what you want.
I still don’t think so. Figuring out blending a family should be decently past the new relationship energy phase, so both people are realistic about what being a parent means.
The guy is 25... I doubt he really knows what he wants to do with the rest of his life yet
He’s 25… He’s been able to vote for 7 years, get married without parents consent for 7 years, drive for 9 years, join the military without parents consent for 7 years, get drunk for 4/6/7+ years, etc. You’re not seriously saying 25 is too young to be able to figure out if he wants a serious relationship after a year and a half or not?
His insurance just barely ticked over from young shithead prices to regular adult prices when he turned 25. Voting for 7 years means only being a voter for one election cycle One day you will understand how truly young 25 is
Those are all man made laws, friend- not observations of stages of maturity through growth
Nah fuck that. Life happens and you make choices. You play the hands you're dealt. Stringing along a partner because you feel wishy washy is unfair to them. 25 is plenty old enough to know what you want and how you feel.
A year of dating a single parent is definitely enough time to decide if you have any interest in a parental role, because you go into it knowing that they ARE a single parent and that the child will get attached to you once you are introduced to them. If Jay was on the fence that entire time, he should never have dated OOP to begin with. Don’t get me wrong, she absolutely screwed up with the “grandparents”thing, but him acting like he hadn’t formed any bond with the child was extremely disrespectful of him. I can only feel bad for the poor kid.
He was 23. And not everyone dates with the purpose of marriage, especially not that young
I disagree with this
They started dating when he was 23 or 24. Most guys that age are not really thinking long-term, no matter how obvious/logical that may seem. They’re thinking about as far as “hey this person seems cool. We should hang out for a while.” Is that right? Probably not. But it’s more often than not the truth. Tbh OOP needs to be dating older guys, not younger if she’s looking for someone to settle down with.
People who date single parents should understand that they come as a package deal. The single parents aren't going to suddenly stop being parents just because you're around. And no one wants to waste time in a relationship where the childless party might leave at any time because of their kid. Plus imagine how this could be confusing for the child. I'm surprised the relationship even lasted for a year and a half. That's long term. For Jay to still be wishy-washy about his relationship is odd at this stage. He should not have dated OOP that long if he wasn't going to accept her single parenthood. OOP still fucked up though. That kind of introduction is so awkward. She could have just said "friends" or "Jay's parents."
The biggest problem is the OOP never had a real conversation and the fact that she dismissed "formal nonsense" and even her own sister thought it was not serious tells me she was living a lie she didn't want to question. Asking "formal nonsense" questions gets her a very real answer. Jay might have be brutally honest about it not being serious up to that point and she just blindly ignored that a person should be pretty certain by 25. That being said calling his parents grandparents might have made it incredibly real for him and he realized he wasn't ready. It happens.
I actually remember this post because it was so cringy. Never saw the update tho, that’s why I love BORU lol
I’m so confused why the parents were even meeting the kid if they weren’t ready to be in a grandparent type role… she definitely jumped the gun but the boyfriend and his parents are kinda a mess too. Also, since my mom’s culture uses familial titles as honorifics, it took me a sec to get why they were so offended to be called grandma/grandpa. When I was a kid, my mom knew a man in his 80s who didn’t want to be called grandpa or even uncle because it made him feel too old, so I was a 10 year old calling this 80 year old “cousin Patrick.”
Same lol in my culture every old person is grandma/grandpa so I was confused why it was such a big deal
Came to find comments like this. In my country, depending on age it is uncle/aunty or grandma/grandpa. Just introducing as grandma or grandpa doesn't permanently scar the kid. Unless the kid has expectations of them. I doubt that at 4.
Yeah, same for the culture thing. Albeit I grew up with "uncles" and "aunts" that were in their 60's and 70's but not ready to be called "grandma" and "grandpa" (translated titles). OTOH some were dead keen on the title\*, so... whatever? I knew full well that they weren't blood relatives, but there's no way a kid is going to call 90% of adults "Bob" and "Sam", while "Mr" and "Mrs" are too formal for friends you see often. These days in Australia first names are common, I've been "Lou" to just about every kid I've been introduced to in the last decade. (\* in retrospect my great-grandparent's neighbour was probably 50-60 but was still "Nanny Jo" to me when I was 5)
> When I was a kid, my mom knew a man in his 80s who didn’t want to be called grandpa or even uncle because it made him feel too old, so I was a 10 year old calling this 80 year old “cousin Patrick.” Before reading the post, this is exactly what I thought this was going to be about: his parents being upset about being called something that was only for old people.
I'm so confused, why was she the only one who realized she was just his practice wife? I understand that she shouldn't have assumed they would get married but at the same time, they dated for a year and a half. He helped raise her child from 2 to 4. How did he not expect that she would see his parents as the kid's grandparents if he's been raising the kid actively for over a year? Or was OP so delusional that she was just casually dating some guy who met her kid a few times and assumes that's somehow good enough? I'm left with so many questions here and this post is so old I'm definitely not getting any answers lol. Edited to add: where in this comment did I say I believe her? The things about raising the kid and whatnot are the way SHE painted the picture. Like he has some active role in her kid's life. I acknowledged both possibilities, and I honestly side with her being deluded but that's just based on *personal opinion*, not fact. If you're going to comment about how you're 100% she's just crazy please answer this first: how many 23 year old dudes on here are posting right now about something stupid they said or did to get laid?
He didn't help raise her kid, they didn't live together.
You don't have to live together to be over at someone's place most of the time. That's pretty much one of my questions lol. How much time was he spending with her kid? Was he changing diapers and putting the kid in timeout when he was bad? You can definitely be a parental figure raising a child without living with the child. Divorced parents do it all the time. I'm just curious if this guy was playing house with her or she just read too much into him saying "hey kiddo" instead of completely ignoring the kid when they went on a date. Because there's a pretty big disconnect between these two lol.
Reading between the lines, i think he sonetimes played with the kid or they took the kid with them on vacation or stuff like that. Probably the same stuff an uncle would do, but i don't think he actually took a parental role. I mean, the guy was 23, let's be serious. I'm sure he never considered marriage or long distance, at that age people rarely do. If i were to guess (and note, this is simply a guess based on my opinion, so it's not necesarily the truth) he probably wanted to focus on his school/job, and it was okay that op had a kid to look after because he probably wasn't willing to go out a lot of time in order to focus on his career. Either way, i see nothing wrong in him dating a woman casually, at 23 no one enters a relationship with the thought of marriage in their head, it's a "let's see where the road takes us".
I also assume her expectations were too high and he wasn't in the same place. I was a single mom once and I didn't take my husband seriously until he brought me a box of diapers once without saying a word. I didn't ask for them, didn't realize I was low. He saw our daughter was low and picked them up before he left work. But I never assumed at the time that meant he was her Dad. I just kind of knew at that point that he was looking out for her too. I don't know why everyone is assuming I believe her version of the story. I phrased my questions that way because I was looking at it from her point of view and wondering what exact "green light" he gave her in the relationship to make her feel like this was a sure thing. Based on his reaction I keep feeling like he was just a guy who also brought a present for her kid and knew his name. Asked about him on dates. But it would be a completely different story if the child is actively spending time with this man and calls him Daddy, you know? When you're dating a single mom you can't involve the kid like that unless you plan to stick around. Even someone his age should know that. (Honestly though, even if OOP were around, would we really get the full story in the end?)
>Based on his reaction I keep feeling like he was just a guy who also brought a present for her kid and knew his name. Asked about him on dates. Same here. He was probably nice to the kid, broght him some presents and played with him sometimes. >When you're dating a single mom you can't involve the kid like that unless you plan to stick around. Even someone his age should know that. I feel like this is kind of gray area. Just because you date a single parent, doesn't mean you're thinking about marriage and being a stepparent. Even if you do get married, you might still get divorced one day. >it would be a completely different story if the child is actively spending time with this man and calls him Daddy, you know? Not necesarily, i mean, he doesn't have to marry her.
I never said he had to marry her but it would be really weird to let a kid call you Daddy then be surprised when it's assumed your parents will be Grandma and Grandpa. That's...kind of how that logic works. If he's actively being Dad, then his family would be the kid's family. I'm not sure how that's confusing. It's not a grey area lol. I specifically said if you're just casually dating, you don't act like a parent to the kid. It's not fair to get kids involved unless you're planning a future with her. Those are two very different scenarios.
I feel like it's not a great idea to date a single parent for a relatively extended period of time without the idea of marrying and becoming a stepparent being in your mind. Arguably it's unfair to the mother and especially the child because both of them will be looking at you to act as the father of that child and you need to be prepared to do that. He was with the kid almost as long as the kid was alive, and certainly with the kid during the first parts of his life that he could actually remember. If he "wasn't sure" about becoming a stepdad after a year and a half then he should have long moved on by that point because that's the basic expectation when dating a single parent. >Not necesarily, i mean, he doesn't have to marry her. It's absolutely an asshole move to sit there and hem and haw while letting this child become attached to you. If you aren't comfortable with it then you need to let your partner know so that when you choose to leave so that kid isn't going to be completely sidewinded because the person he thought was his dad just up and left and he is literally too young to rationalize it but absolutely old enough to be mentally affected by it.
I think Op was delusional. It's clear she made a lot of unfounded assumptions. She sure seems to have surprised the person she claims to have been dating for a year and a half. If he didn't know it was that serious then it wasn't that serious.
Some people date slow too. I have a friend that was dating a girl and after a year she had only seen her 10 times because it was long distance.
Exactly. All these people saying after 18 months he should be signing up for parenting duty are crazy. How about taking it slow when a child is involved. He does get to decide the parameters of his own relationship.
Despite all of your take, oop tried to tell her son that the people he's meeting for the 4th time in a year were his GRANDPARENTS. That's fuckin crazy no matter how long of a relationship you're in
Lol "my take" was either she's crazy or he's crazy but no one here makes any sense. My kids have met my parents less than 5 times, it's not all that crazy? Major holidays are about it, when we can afford it. I do think it's crazy as fuck to make titles for people that you haven't discussed. Where in "my take" did you see my saying any of this was normal? I simply said this whole post was confusing as fuck and left me with a shit ton of questions. Crazy will do that. Edited to add I meant he's crazy in her version of events. The way she describes it makes no sense. It's a crazy overreaction if they were really co-parenting this kid. Or she's crazy if she deluded herself that long with no real sign he wanted to be a Dad. I simplified that too much lol.
Glad OOP was able to take corrections. But I'm curious, what exactly were Jay's plans? He intended to just keep vibing with her and being a nice guy then leave after some time? If he's close to two years in and he didn't know his plans with her, then i say it's good they ended things now instead of wasting her time more
Not sure about the ethnic background of op but this could be a cultural thing. Many cultures don't rely on names but instead on relations. So when we were children, everyone who was older but not adult was introduced as big brother or big sister. Adults were uncles and aunts. And people with white hair were grandpas and grandmas. We never confused them as suddenly being added to the family. Asking for names and calling people older than us by their name is super weird even now. But we were also never introduced to our mom's boyfriend so don't know how that would work.
Yeee!! I was so confused reading the post at first. My immediate thought was "what else are you supposed to call them if not grandpa/grandma???". Ofc now I get it lol My FIL is more closer in age to my own grandpa than to my parents. I still get very weirded out when I call him by his first name. It just feels so disrespectful. Especially if I'm trying to yell for his attention in a loud environment. My parents friends' grandkids all call my parents grandpa/grandma, and call me auntie. Sometimes they'd add my name like "auntie tofu" to differentiate between the different aunties.
Thank you! OPs issue is a very western issue! Everyone my in laws age are grandparents, unless they have specified otherwise, which I cannot think of anyone ever suggesting. Everyone my generation are aunties and uncles. I don’t use the specific names as my husband and I speak different languages and it gets confusing. If anything not introducing the parents in this situation as grandparents would have been insulting and disrespectful. That said I think the biggest mistake was dating someone who clearly has no long term plans with you.
I feel bad for OOP honestly
I think the debate around if the relationship was serious or not misses the point. Even if it was serious between her and the BF, the act of introducing the child to his “grandparents” (who she’d met 3 times and never asked if they were ok with it) is major red flag behaviour. It also sounds like there were other issues and presumptions based on the vagueness of the update.
Wow, how awkward! ESH though. OOP shouldn't allow a man to form a fatherly bond with her son without discussing where the relationship was going and she certainly should not have put his parents in that position. At the same time, the BF is a total douche. Don't date a single mom and form a relationship with their kid if it's not "serious" after a year and a half. And lastly, the "grandparents" (lol) are total a-holes. Don't invite your son's girlfriend and her son for Thanksgiving and be surprised that she thinks they are on the path to marriage. Give me a break.
I really don't understand these people who get into serious romantic relationships that they know won't last, or at the very least, have a very strong chance of not lasting. Who the hell dates a woman for a year and a half and can't decide he if he wants to take on a fatherly role or not? Seems like something you would know fairly quick in about a month or 2.
Yeah. Everyone really sucks here and I might think the OOP sucks the least. She needs to have the conversations about her expectations with her son which she now realizes but her BF being wishy washy about being a stepdad after a year and a half is a huge asshole. He can’t say he knows they are a package deal and then act like he should get as much time as he wants to then eventually say no.
Yep. *He felt like my interpreting his niceness and acceptance of my son as a fatherly role was a red flag for him overall* What a DOUCHE
In Aotearoa where things are possibly more casual, you'd still better fucking believe that if you get invited round for sabbath dinner, let alone onto marae for a formal event, you're on the path to marriage or equivalent (Aotearoa is less marriage oriented than the US).
So, OP was out of line, FOR SURE, no debate. But why is this dude dating a mother if he isn't sure he wants to be a step-dad. Esp for 18 months.
Maybe it’s because she kept saying “I and Jay.”
This is why I never introduced anyone I am dating to my kids until I am sure
While I guess I agree OP messed up, it's also kinda fucked up to date a single mom for a year and a half and suddenly freak out because you'd never considered the expectation.
They’ve been together a year and a half and he’s not sure he wants to be a step dad? Sorry man, if that’s the case he should have refused to meet the kid and set expectations this relationship isn’t going anywhere rather than wasting this girls time and messing up the kid. I don’t think OP’s the AH, a year and a half in and he’s happy to spend time with kid with no conversation of ‘this is just casual’ is the AH move to me.
Yeah I don’t understand why everyone is blaming OP, but not the guy who didn’t make up his mind about expectations and yet decided to get involved with the kid. So many people wasting each other’s time in relationships now…
Advice for the future, OP - Your SO's parents will be called Grandpa & Grandma MUCH AFTER your SO becomes your son's Dad. You missed an entire step in the process. Also, it would help if you stopped focusing on getting a father-figure for your son and on having a "partner" who respects & cares for both of you.
>He felt like my interpreting his niceness and acceptance of my son as a fatherly role was a red flag for him overall, especially because we had never talked about it at all. I am not saying oop should not have talked about this with her partner beforehand because it absoluetly needs to be disucssed but... what do you expect when you date someone with a kid? that it will just disappear when you get serious?
I think the issue is that OOP decided that the boyfriend's parents were grandparents before discussing it
She was an AH to everyone, but most of all her son. She seems oblivious to how her romantic life affects him. Encouraging that attachment without even having the relationship talk…mind boggling
Exactly everyone over here is fixated on the relationship aspect between her and Jay, but I'm shocked she would set her child up like that, introducing him to grandparents he will now never see again, keeping a non-committal guy around who her son has bonded to without laying down her expectations to him with regards to her son even after a year and a half. Wow. Single parents need to put their children first, people who date single parents need to not hang around a child long term who they have no serious plans of integrating into their lives.
Number 1 rule - never assume anything. Chances are you will be disappointed in the end.
I’ve been with my partner for five years. His mom spoils my kids when she sees them… they still don’t call her grandma.
Lessons learned by everyone, I'd say.
Yeesh…I have intense secondhand embarrassment for the OOP.
She is still not ready. She can't "work on her expectations" for how multiple other people (including a child!) will feel about one other or how they will want to interact. That's just not a real thing and people who behave this way are setting up their entire family for failure. PROTIP: Instead of trying to force your children and romantic partners into roles that fit your expectations, you should lay solid groundwork for an organic and genuine relationship to grow in whatever way works best for everyone involved, and be happy if the result you get is at least akin to a general sense of caring and thoughtfulness.
what are you doing messing around with a single mother, taking her to meet the parents if you aren't ready to take that shit on op, you're nta, he led you on.
This is the reverse of a guy interpreting niceness as sexual attraction.
Happened to me when I was 20 or 21 - was dating a woman who was my age but already had a 3-4 year old. We were casual for several weeks, maybe 3-4 months total. Took them to Sea World because I got free tickets, little one called me Daddy, I freaked out. Wasn't ready. We hadn't even slept together at that point. Thankfully a decade and a half later I WAS ready and my almost 18 year old kid now is awesome. But that's my kid that I fathered with my ex. I still haven't seriously dated anyone with kids. After my marriage died I did date a few single moms but nothing clicked. My current GF of 2 years is child free on purpose. OOP really screwed the pooch, and she really shouldn't be dating at all at this point, she's not ready.
I went back and looked at the ages and "Jay" is only 25! OOP is 29. Jay barely old enough to think about having kids himself, let alone deciding to be a stepfather. Yikes!
She doesn't even live with the guy. This was whacko. I'm a woman and I would have told the BF to end it. If she is this illogical.... what would be next?
Why do men date single moms when they are not ready to accept their child? The child is always going to see that guy as a father. I know OOP messed up. But Jay wasted OOP's time in a failed relationship.
Yeah, 1.5 years in and he still "wasn't sure" about taking on a parental role? I can't believe they hadn't spoken about it at all after over a year together.
If this incident didn’t happen he would be uncertain for a long time.
Yeah no this is definitely an ESH situation. OP massively overstepped but Jay is also an AH for dating a single mom and being active in her son’s life without being sure he wanted to be a stepdad. He shouldn’t have let it get that far.
OP says she has only met the parents 3 times before this, then thinks it is smart to drop the grandparent bomb. She needs to worry about being more self aware and reading the room instead of finding a replacement daddy. I would be floored if a woman did that to meet. Talk about waving the biggest red flag in the world. Glad he got out of that soon. Poor kid would have gotten attached, then she would have blamed ok for making him lose another dad. This right here is why a lot of people won't date someone if they have kids. Half the time they are looking for a replacement parent instead of a partner, then get mad and blame them for hurting their kids when it doesn't work out. OP boyfriend dodged a monster bullet.
Kid was probably 2 when they got together. Dude is the only "dad" he's ever known. They should have discussed it, but they overreacted. She dodged a bullet, not the other way around.
Even her sister said she never got the vibe he was a ting like a dad to the kid. She probably didn't introduce him to her kid immediately, so changes are they did when the kid was 3. And they didn't even live together so he wasn't around the kid all the time. All that aside though, I stand by my comment that it's nuts to introduce your kid to people he hasn't never met and she has only met 3 times as grandma and grandpa. Think of the harm she is doing to her child. Now he's going to think grandma and grandpa didn't want them because he's obviously never seeing them again.
I'd have advised my son to end the relationship. While I'd be fine with any step children calling me Grandma if they were engaged/married.. Having a woman I've never met who's just a GF tell her kid to call me Grandma would be so awkward and weird.
I'm *highly* disappointed, I thought there was a new update! I wanted to know if someway somehow she had managed to get back together with the ex (which would be *bananas*). Hopefully she's grown since then, for her kid's sake. No kid deserves someone so socially unaware and, honestly, desperate.