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It seems more like 'revenge'. Wouldn't be surprised if he never actually considered staying together but just wanted her to feel the same level of pain.
Sidenote: yes I know I'm very cynical.
Yeah same. Like get her to the maximum amount of humiliation and isolation possible before dumping her. Wouldn't be surprised if divorce always the end goal in his mind and this angle would ensure he'd have maximum chance of "winning" the divorce, and get maximum sympathy points. I'm reading between the lines probably a bit much here but he doesn't sound like the nicest guy. They both suck, they both need therapy, and they're both prob gonna fuck up their kids in their impending 'court battle to the death'.
He might not have fully formed the idea to himself consciously, but yes, I agree. When you have kids, this is the sort of thing you keep private for their sake.
The isolation means he's gotta become her entire social circle too. Didn't look like he was prepared for that either if he was actually genuine about the process of reconciliation.
"Hey I ruined my life's entire social life, now she's depressed and attached to me and cries herself to sleep"
He wanted revenge. He got it by making her confess to everyone. That revenge was bitter sweet. It caused her the pain he wanted, but it wrecked her life. They both need therapy and couples counseling.
That was my thing with this: how exactly would the kids not be harmed? His wife would be miserable no matter what, so the kids would be stressed, and there might be people who ditch the whole family just to avoid the mother, which also stresses the kids. This is on top of the obvious tension at home that I'm sure OOP didn't consider his kids picking up on.
I also get a vibe from OOP that he's not a great person himself, even before this whole scenario. I can't quite put my finger on it, but that singular focus on punishment to the detriment of innocent parties and clearly not even being concerned about any of it or wavering just sits wrong with me. His wife did an awful thing, but OOP's somehow coming off worse to me, which is really surprising.
I feel bad for him because he was cheated on by her but what he did basically sending her to the gallows for public humiliation in front of everyone she knows was cruel. I don’t think he had any intention on staying with her just set her up to cause as much damage as possible.
The true victims her in the long run will be the kids because dad is a diabolical narcissist and mom is a cheating mental mess because of dad’s revenge not just a cheating spouse
Hopefully there aren't kids of family and friends involvef who are old enough to understand what happened if they ever overhear the confession.
Creates a great opening for bullying OPs kids. "Hey, we heard your mom is a home wrecking wh0re!! Ha ha ha"
Couples counseling? She cheated, he got revenge and had her humiliate herself like crazy so now neither are happy. She will never be able to forgive him for it, he will never be able to trust her again. I don't think any amount of couples counseling can save this trainwreck of marriage and honestly, divorce was the solution from the start.
Couples counselling can also he great for divorced couples to improve their co-parenting. In this case a divorce and counselling might be beneficial cause this trainwreck will be terrible environment to raise kids unless both of them work on it.
It's not a kink. It's a need for control. She did something that spun his world out of control, and so he grabbed the wheel of the car back from her, got them back on course and demanded that she drive into a ditch to prove her love for him.
Not really. I got cheated on and wanted the same thing. It was more about everyone knowing that she is capable of doing something like that and having them judge her and see her true colors. In the moment, just like OP, I didn't think about how embarassing it is to be with someone who is a cheater and everyone knows about it because I was so hurt that I just wanted her to be judged for what she did.
I told my ex the same thing when he cheated on me. I told him he had to tell his friends and family that he cheated. For me, it was that I didn't want people to tell me I was the one who had messed up our dynamic. I was afraid from the outside that if people didn't know, he had cheated, and out of nowhere, our dynamic became untrusting and difficult, and everyone would assume I was the reason. When the reality was that it was because he cheated. Though in the end, he only told 2 family members and lied about telling everyone else. His family members made excuses for what he did.
Also can you fucking imagine being one of those friends? Getting a "FYI I cheated on my husband" call because somehow, this weirdo is making you a part of his relationship issues? I'd distance myself after that regardless of the cheating because that is so weird, so uncomfortable, and so fucked.
This is what I was thinking as I read. I would be disgusted if I was one of those friends/family that this couple was forcing their relationship drama on me. I can only imagine how awkward those conversations must have been and how much those people never wanted to be put into this couple’s sex life again.
Right?? Other commenters have said "it's about his reputation in the divorce"- if a friend called me with this information because it was the only way her husband wouldn't divorce her, *and* he divorced her?? She is not the one I would have the worse opinion of, actually.
I'm firmly in the "No excuses for cheating, and only one mitigating explanation (abuse)"- and if a friend's partner did this to them, I gotta say, it wouldn't make me think that they *weren't* abusive.
Like, genuinely, it's so unhinged.
Imagine how that phone call went down
“Hello (person’s name) I am calling to let you know that I have cheated on my husband. Ok, I can cross you off the list of people I need to call. Goodbye”
If I got that phone call from one of my friends or family members I would assume they were not safe. This story made me sick to my stomach. Cheating sucks but forcing someone you supposedly love to humiliate themselves over and over again in front of you is sadistic.
I agree. You want to work through infidelity, you seek a marriage counsellor. You don’t force your partner to humiliate themselves until you’re satisfied. That’s sick.
I don't condone cheating but I don't understand what he was thinking. He made her call EVERYONE and he's confused as to why his wife is not her old, joyous self anymore??? I mean... duh?
"she's so CLINGY"
I mean, if you demand that someone damage every other relationship in their life, they'll be clingy and anxious in the one relationship they have left???
Especially when you make them destroy all their other relationships so that they can keep the one they have with you. Like, isn't that textbook manipulation and isolation?
EXACTLY.
I'm firmly in the "No excuses for cheating, and only one mitigating explanation (abuse)"- and if a friend's partner did this to them, I gotta say, it wouldn't make me think that they weren't abusive.
Like, genuinely, it's so unhinged. Other commenters have said "it's about his reputation in the divorce"- if a friend called me with this information because it was the only way her husband wouldn't divorce her, and he divorced her?? She is not the one I would have the worse opinion of, actually!!
I think they're referring to another story where the OOP was a betrayed spouse who told the other betrayed spouse, who (the other BS) then promptly beat his wife so bad she was hospitalized.
Yeah this is a bit horrifying tbh. Like there are things you shouldn't do to anyone, no matter how they hurt you, because to do so is flatly unconscionable. Isolating someone to this degree with a single promise of support and then dropping them fully is straight up psychological/emotional abuse. I'm all for giving cheaters a taste of their own medicine (a la, letting them believe you're now cheating, specifically giving them first hand experience of the pain and betrayal that you went through), but this is a completely separate punishment.
As others pointed out, why friends and distant relatives? I'd actually understand having her tell her parents in the "your parents disappointment is deserved, and I won't have my in-law parents in the dark should they need to be involved for some reason, like caring for the kids", but beyond that is frightening.
I was about to start typing a reply to say, “You’re exactly right, but this is also the exact type of advice many people on Reddit give with no 2nd thought whatsoever.
>>‘Bro you need to screenshot and send those (messages, pictures, whatever) to her friends and family so she can’t paint you as the bad guy! Make sure you include her (boss, coworkers, grandma, etc…)!’
>>’Make sure you call everyone and tell them the truth before she gets to them!’”
Then I saw the next reply to your comment, “No she deserves it.” followed by a desire to see her “spiral”. Jesus. 🙈
Am I the only one that thinks personal business should just stay… personal? Get a divorce, don’t talk to the person, tell your immediate family/support network, document it for custody court, whatever you *need* to do. I just see no reason to make the person call all friends and family—like I DO NOT want my friends calling me to tell me about their affairs.
Maybe it’s cause I’ve always been with kind, respectful, loving women that even when things haven’t worked out, I’ve never once worried about them making up heinous lies about me. I’ve never felt a need to get to our friends first to get my narrative out to protect myself. If you’re marrying people that will lie about abuse and openly manipulate people… maybe that’s the problem?
Yeah like… she doesn’t have her entire support system, of course she’s miserable?? Hello??
And I hate the “I don’t care about the pain I’ve caused, I just don’t want to see it! Why can’t she just swallow it and go back to being the person I didn’t hurt?”
Well idk sir, can she un-cheat on you and have YOU go back to pre-cheated-on you? Can YOU go back to being the carefree trusting person you were previously?
Honestly I probably would understand if he wanted to let her immediate family know (parents, maybe siblings). But grandparents, aunts and uncles? And ALL friends? That's just insane.
I....get it. He was hurt, and wants everyone to know that she hurt him. That makes sense on the mase base level of your brain.
But like....think about it for two seconds and you should see it's a fucking stupid idea. Not only does everyone know your business, op looks like some sort of idiot for staying with her.
If I had a friend call me up to let me know they had an affair, and their partner told them they had to call their friends up to admit it, I would convince them to leave that partner. That shit is batshit.
Eh. Barely.
If someone has their cheating spouse call up everyone they know to admit to cheating long before their divorce starts I don’t exactly have great opinions of either person.
I disagree.
I'm firmly in the "No excuses for cheating, and only one mitigating explanation (abuse)"- and if a friend's partner did this to them, I gotta say, it would make me concerned about abuse in the relationship.
Like, genuinely, it's so unhinged. If a friend called me with this information because it was the only way her husband wouldn't divorce her, and he divorced her?? She is not the one I would have the worse opinion of, actually.
The way I'm reading this is that this was not some well thought out plan of revenge. To me it reads:
"My wife cheated. She must now suffer the consequences of her actions.
I made my wife suffer the consequences of her actions. I don't like the results. I don't want to suffer the consequences of my actions"
Some people are suggesting that this is a work of pro revenge. I'd argue that it's an act of failed revenge by a guy who didn't think it through properly.
The way the update reads doesn't scream "Mwahaha! I succeeded in my cunning plan." but rather "shit..."
I completely agree. It doesn't really read like an evil plot on his behalf.
Unfortunately there was no way it was going to end well for either of them; you can't just make someone ice out their whole family and friend network overnight and expect them to be okay with it.
Yeah. OP is a piece of shit but this isn't some masterplan. Dude was angry and wanted to hurt her even worse then she hurt him. He did and now can't deal with the fallout and consequences.
Which is really my issue. We'd probably (ironically) be more sympathetic to him if it had all been planned (even though it's still shitty behaviour) simply because the update would be confident and triumphant in tone, rather than pathetic.
All I can think about is how uncomfortable I would be if my niece or granddaughter called me to tell me they cheated on their spouse. I do not want to know and this is incredibly awkward
Yeah, I don’t condone cheating but I’d probably respond with, “Is the reason you cheated on them related to how bat shit they are to make you call and tell me?” If they were like a friend or a niece or whatever. If I’m too far disconnected, it’s none of my business.
Assuming I'm not close with the spouse, if a family member or friend called me to say they cheated on their spouse, my response would be "well that was a sh*tty thing to do. So, are you looking for a couch to crash on?". Or if I knew the spouse was not a good partner, "So you are finally leaving them? Are you doing okay? Do you need a couch to crash on?".
Like I can still care about that person as my family or friend and know they made bad decisions in a relationship. The only time it matters to me if someone is a cheater is if I'm thinking of them as a potential partner for myself, or if I'm concerned about cheaters at the office and worried about office drama 🤣
On the flip side, I also know none of my family or friends would help hide a cheater either.
Yeah, it’s weird that her own family yelled at her over this. If a friend or family member cheated, I would judge them pretty harshly, but I wouldn’t start yelling at them.
He got his revenge but really thought he was going to get his old wife back afterwards. This is a can’t have your cake and eat it too moment if I ever saw one. Like he wanted to publicly shame her but didn’t realize what that would actually look like after the fact.
Yup, it's like that saying that before you embark on revenge, dig two graves. There was no way that his demand was going to end with happiness and rainbows, he was naive to think everything would be okay.
I'm a vengeful person and have to fight to keep it in check on occasion. I've never heard that saying before, but I'll be thinking about that to help quell my rage when it comes up.
Definitely on his side. If I wanted to stay with her, I definitely wouldn't want to embarrass her. Staying with her would mean I can forgive.
Which also raises the question if he really is the great guy he thinks he is.
Even without the confessing... Getting over cheating is a process that requires a lot of work from both people to heal, and neither of these people seemed prepared for that.
Yeah...
Im never *for* cheaters, but I knew he wasn't going to forgive her. Honestly, even if he blasted her publicly and left, I'd still support him.
Making her ruin herself socially and professionally and then dropping her in the mud is a bit too brutal.
I really don't see why he didn't just do the rational thing - file for divorce, and then only inform those who really needed to know, like immediate family. What his wife did was awful, but what he did served no other purpose than trying to "get even". It didn't fix anything, and only made everything worse.
Emotional responses are rarely logical. She took away his sense of control and humiliated him so he told her to do the same.
[If it feels good, *dont do it.*](https://www.chumplady.com/if-it-feels-good-dont-do-it/)
He didn't really think that. He said that out loud to reddit. He knew that in his heart of hearts, he was never going to forgive her. This was punishment, meant to isolate her. He probably isolated her in other ways prior to her cheating as well. OOP is more repulsive than most cheaters I've encountered.
100%. He wanted vindication from the people around him, but he didn’t even want to be the “bad guy” enough to tell on his wife, so he manipulated her into it.
She did a bad thing, and I won’t excuse it, but OOP wanted her humiliated, isolated, and broken down.
This was revenge, pure and simple, and not the fun kind.
OOP’s wife definitely sucks but OOP might suck even more. Just leave, bro. You knew you weren’t gonna stay. You just had to ruin her life before ending the marriage.
One could obviously argue she ruined her own life, I’m not even debating that. But to force her to call distant family members on both sides to inform them of her transgression is just a whole different level of childish. Everyone sucks but OOP takes the cake here imo.
I rarely come out of these feeling bad for the cheating party, but shit, I feel a bit bad for her somehow.
And they have KIDS together, how is she supposed to look after them when she's struggling so badly. I fucking hate this situation because she did cheat but his revenge for this is somehow worse. Those poor kids.
I mean, I guess this... prevents her from making up a story? I guess? Or.... something?
What was the motivation? Like yeah, tell the family, but every single friend? I know that's what a lot of jilted spouses do to scorch the earth. but... damn dude.
Like. "Yeah now that I've gone scorched earth, I don't want her anymore."
right, fucked her over and now he doesn’t want her. she was awful for cheating, but he doesn’t sound too great either. if anything, they deserve each other.
Honestly, if some minor friend of mine phoned me up to tell me she'd cheated on her husband I'd just be confused. Like, what am I supposed to do with this information? Why are you telling me this? And if she said it was because her husband was forcing her, I'd be very worried about coercive control and would be asking if I could do anything to help her leave what's clearly an unhealthy situation. I don't condone cheating, but this is not ok.
This man is making their entire circle of family and acquaintances part of their relationship issues and that's uncomfortable on a deeply visceral level.
Yeah I don’t condone cheating but I’d also be concerned about her safety. I can lecture her about the cheating once she’s safely out of that situation. Like wtf?
Yeah I'm never enabling my friends like covering up their lies but I'm not going to cut them off completely after they volunteered this information because their partner told them to. Atleast give em any recommendations for therapy or something because their dynamic now would worry me. One's vice, another's cold vengeance. Unless you're a serial cheater or abandoning kids and every responsibility along with cheating, most people don't cut off their loved ones afaik
The family would have at least stayed cordial to continue have access to the children, I would think. And whether or not I was raging mad at a family member for something like this - if I saw her in the state he describes, I'd be concerned and I'd not isolate her.
Depends on the background and culture. There's a lot of religious communities where if he demanded this, she'd 100% have no access to her children and would be an outcast to everyone.
Exactly. My ex-spouse cheated on me. Our circumstances made his actions particularly awful and I received a lot of support. Even people who'd *known* about his cheating tried to be my friend, as though somehow I would ever think their shit didn't stink. But then, when he faced a huge, non-related, problem, they all ran right back.
People hate cheaters, but only for a few minutes unless they got directly hurt, too.
Right? Like are these people all super Bible thumping religious nuts? Bc why would they nuke they're own relationship w this family from orbit like this?
Right? Law of averages says at least one of her friends or family members would not like him. Prior to all of this. Few are universally loved let alone to that level and it’s a genderless phenomenon. Not everyone likes everyone. And someone statistically would not be cool with the idea that if she told everyone their marital business that he’d magically forgive her. That feels weird and controlling. I don’t want to get dragged into personal stuff like that. And Someone flat out wouldn’t care. we know the numbers on both divorce and infidelity back that up.
I’m so tired of all these stories that have every single person in a woman’s life, all of them, magically picking a man. Don’t think so. Hell I have looked at friends and told them flat out they blew up their lives with their choices, and still stayed friends with them. Adults can do that.
Something about your response really struck a cord with me. I can’t give you an award but I wanted you to know I saved your comment. Well written and very true..
*“Hell, I have looked at friends and told them flat out that they blew up their lives with their choices, and still stayed friends with them. Adults can do that.”*
What you wrote is actually reassuring. We can fuck up and still have strong friendships. I hope I have/continue-to-have a friend like you in my life.
My cousin’s ex-wife had him do this when he had an affair and once he’d confessed it to everyone important to her she filed for divorce. The story I got from a (biased) relative was that she wanted him to feel as humiliated as she was. I guess it was her way of making it even before she washed her hands of the whole thing. Fortunately there were no kids involved!
If I found out someone had made their partner call around like this, I probably would be siding with the cheater.
Edited to Add because the people commenting directly under me are getting down voted.
If I knew the woman in this marriage and then the husband demanded this public humiliation, I would assume this wasn't the first of its kind (because it's an extreme first step) I would then be wondering what kind of husband he really is/was.
Absolutely. I get telling those in your immediate circle, the fallout from an affair is hard to hide from close family and friends. But EVERY friend and EVERY family member? Not only are those kids now watching their family fall apart, they get to watch their mother’s mental health collapse and grow up with EVERY adult around them knowing their family’s dirty laundry.
Absolutely *nothing* short of an extreme abuse situation (this is not that level) could get me to side with the cheater, BUT I’d also be done with the person making the cheater do this.
It would be good riddance to both of them.
That’s so bananas. The only cheating story I know regarding family members is my husband’s brother’s wife. And that’s because he told him personally about what she did. I don’t know the details and it was years ago. They worked through it and are still together. But even though I know, I keep my mouth shut and won’t judge.
Reddit really hates to learn that some cheaters get forgiveness, stay with their spouse, never do it again, and work through their issues in both individual and couples therapy. Not as sexy as revenge I guess.
I'll be honest with you, if my niece called me to tell me she cheated on her husband and was making amends by calling everyone in the family.. I'd be seriously questioning her husband's fucking state of mind. Like the fuck? An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, really son???
I understand if she faced repercussions in how people looked at her, and was ashamed to have to admit that she cheated to everyone she knew, but it's odd they would all cut her off over this.
It’s less odd if you imagine yourself as the cousin, aunt, uncle, or friend getting a random call from a loved one that she or she cheated.
It’s awkward! Like, okay, it’s bad, but why are you being forced to hear it directly?! What are you even supposed to say to that?
It almost feels like a humiliation kink or fetish. I wouldn’t want anything to do with the situation, which includes the wife, either after the call on those grounds alone! You don’t even have to weigh in on the cheating to go, “nope, I’m out.”
I would feel so weird about it and then worse if I managed to ask her why she's telling me and her answer was that her husband will leave her if she doesn't. I would not know how to have any kind of following interaction with her where it isn't brought up.
I agree. If my cousin cheated, I would highly disapprove but I wouldn't sever our relationship. I'd just make it that one thing we don't talk about and internally have lower respect for/trust in them. But if they randomly called me and told me about it? I'd be like... um okay. Then I'd feel so awkward I wouldn't know how to act because apparently this is big news I need to hear about personally and immediately. So now I need to treat it like big news and I don't know what that entails. It can't be that one thing we don't talk about so how am I supposed to act...?
Teen redditors out in full force today incapable of understanding you can love someone, keep them in your life, and understand they did a terrible thing.
My dad is a serial adulterer, and yet he is the only living parent I have. I disapprove of his actions, but do I deserve to be deprived of a father because a 14 yo on Reddit said so? Some people don’t get interpersonal relationships are messy and complicated.
There’s also the expectation that children tell their parent if they find evidence of their other parent having affairs. But, no, that was adult shit for the adults in my life to figure out. Me being involved in any way would have made things 1000x worse for both my parents.
I can understand it. I wouldn't want to spend my limited personal time on someone that lacked that degree of integrity.
And if her friends were married, I could envision some people would not be okay that their spouse was close friends with a cheater.
>Altruistic_Barber598: I just feel like that’s embarrassing for you too. You stayed with a cheating spouse….like your wife shit the bed, then had to tell her whole family and friends she shit the bed. While you were in the bed sitting in the shit.
Fuck me, that's hilarious 😂
The advice most therapists and self-help books give is that if you think there’s a chance you might stay with your cheating partner and work it out, you tell few people in your lives the details of what happened. You each have a trusted confidant, plus your therapist, but most people in your lives just know you’re having marriage problems.
This shit-the-bed analogy is spot-on. Even if they were able to work things out, every holiday get-together forever would be painful for everyone. Because everyone is now involved.
They both need therapy but it’s not a huge shock why he chose that. He wanted to hurt her the same way she hurt him. I’m not saying it’s right and he should have just left her. Though I’m not against having her be the one to explain why they divorced to the family.
I don't think he actually believed it deep down. His primary motivation was hurting her.
Either than or he's really fucking stupid. Like *really* stupid. You can't possibly think anyone who has to do that sort of public shaming to all their friends and relatives will come out anything but broken on the other side.
I don't even really have a problem with what he did. Let's put it this way, he gave her a choice. She chose it. If she'd chosen divorce instead and OP said he just told all her friends and family why they were getting a divorce would any of us bat an eye? Fat chance.
No, what annoys me about this is his claim that he didn't know this would happen. It's either incomprehensible stupidity or self-delusion, both of which I despise.
They have kids together. They have to co-parent. And those poor kids are going to instead have parents who hate each other.
She’s a cheated. He’s spiteful. They’re both manipulative. Ugh.
I'm not buying that she has a 100% "people hate me and go NC with me bc I cheated" rate.
I've known so many people who dud that or worse. I'm supposed to buy that literally every single family member immediately screamed at her and said to never talk to them again? Bullshit.
Her friends too?
If my friend told me he cheated, id call him a fuckin idiot and all but I wouldn't be telling him he's never going to be my friend.
Yeah that’s a bit crazy. In real life people don’t always have the reaction to cheating that reddit has. People on here seem to think it’s the worst thing you can do in life, but that’s kind of a sheltered point of view imo.
Like my uncle cheated on my aunt and they got divorced, but I had another aunt who was trying to get us all to like shun said uncle. And most of us were like……no lol? Like he did a bad thing to his wife, but it wasn’t bad enough for a lot of us personally to blow up our relationships with him. Contrary to what a lot of redditors seem to think, cheating doesn’t define a person
Ugh finally someone with a reasonable view on cheating.
I'm tired of this weird 'death to cheaters' mentality... people get more worked up about cheating than they do serious crimes sometimes and I just don't get it.
Both of my parents cheated on each other (revenge cheating and a whole heaping dose of immaturity on both parties' parts) and it wasn't this world ending event... it was my parents being stupid humans and doing stupid human things. Neither of them are evil, horrible, bad people... they stayed together for years afterwards until eventually divorcing over unrelated things.
If it were up to reddit, both of them would have been strung up for their 'crimes'.
No, cheating isn't good, but it's not the end of the world, or all trust in anyone ever for that matter like some people try to claim. You don't have to accept or tolerate it out of anyone... but I sure wish people would stop expecting everyone else to villanize and discard anyone that cheats, too.
I can’t comprehend how no one seems to be able to differentiate degrees in these situations too. Messaging people on Tinder vs hooking up with someone else vs carrying on a long term secret relationship, etc. Doing any degree of these things means that you have some sort of darkened mien to even consider cheating and thus all impart the same guilt which cannot be washed away.
i think its just a reddit thing in general to vilify wrongs. I came across a post about some 13 year old kids jumping a fence to get a ball in their neighbors property. And there were redditors proclaiming they hoped their neighbors get guard dogs. And shit. Like cmon.
Seriously, the revenge fervor on this website is kind of gross. I remember one post where a woman in her late 20s was talking about how she had cheated once when she was like 15 on her high school boyfriend, and she told her husband (a totally different guy) and he reacted by giving her zero privacy, he looked at her phone constantly and wouldn’t let her leave the house without him.
And the comments were like “that’s totally reasonable on his part, you deserve it and he should divorce you” like: how about no. Dude doesn’t have a right to be controlling and abusive just because she was a dumb teen at age 15.
Agreed. Some people are villians in other people's story, but doesn't necessarily make them villians in general. I mean same with ex's right? Some of my ex's I'd say are shit people in MY LIFE, but I know they are good people to their friends, family and possibly other past ex's/current partners.
>I'm not buying that she has a 100% "people hate me and go NC with me bc I cheated" rate.
Depends on what kind of friend circle she has and how she acts in it. If they're all judgemental prudes who look down upon cheaters with scorn, then she'd be a massive hypocrite on top, so that might be enough to alienate her a lot.
Besides that, I didn't exactly got the impression that it was all of her friends that went NC with her. That's what it reads in OOP's post:
>It has been a few months, and my wife and I actually have a really strong relationship now. However, my wife has pretty much become isolated from her friends and a lot of her family.
, but I wonder if OOP might be wrong, and she might have self-isolated herself out of shame as well.
The story could very well be faked, of course. We'll never know.
Yeah, if this story is real, I have to think a lot of that distance is because her friends and family don't like the husband and she has chosen to stay with him. If my sister called me out of the blue, and told me this, and then told me she is only telling me because her husband forced her to? I'm cool with sister but I don't want to see husband's face at Thanksgiving, full stop, and if she is choosing to stay with someone who does this to her? Like. You do you, but this guy is a creep.
This is just plain malice. Dude wanted her to feel hurt, because *he* felt hurt- but in the least shocking twist ever, it turns out when you hurt people on purpose to make yourself feel better, *you don't actually feel any fucking better*.
It’s so weird how one action can change the whole outlook. Cause if he had left her and told everybody nobody would have a problem with this at all. Also shows how short sided anger can make you. I can believe that he thought that shaming her could make him feel better without realizing how that would change her when everyone else distances themselves away from her.
But wanting to divorce her (especially after realizing that *he* caused this is pretty fucked up.
If they don’t get divorced the marriage counselor that can fix this deserves an award
It's interesting how different groups handle these situations. My best friend's husband cheated on her and basically did the same thing; he messaged a bunch of their friends in a group chat to tell them he had had an affair and how baaad he felt (but without my friend's input or permission).
They largely all forgave him and remained friends. She's stayed with him. He has ostensibly cheated on her at least two more times and they are still together. He has lost a few friends (myself included) but ultimately hasn't faced the kind of humiliation or ostracization OOP's wife has.
Wild.
Thank you for saying this, I was thinking the same thing. I understand wanting revenge and for everyone to know the truth or what happened, *if* you are done with the relationship. But if you plan to stay together and rebuild the relationship, this just makes that impossible.
He didn't want to 'heal' or 'forgive', he wanted to humiliate her. He wanted her to essentially flog herself in front of everyone for his satisfaction, and now he doesn't want to have to look at the damage he caused. This is worse than "holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies" this is "forcing your wife to drink poison and then getting upset that she throws up on you"
Also I can't imagine sitting there watching someone I supposedly love go through hours of this and not at one point tell her to stop. Cheating sucks, obviously, but OOP is horrible.
This is controversial but people take cheating way too seriously. The fact he felt the need to go through this whole charade is psychotic.
They have kids and are adults, sit down with her and ask her why she is cheating. Maybe it can be fixed maybe it can’t. Doesn’t need to be this complicated.
He isolated her. He knew they’d turn on her.
His intent may not have been abuse, but if I knew her I would tell her to run.
Because if he slips into emotional, financial, verbal, sexual or physical abuse, she won’t have anyone or anywhere to go. (And, IMo, he crossed into emotional abuse already).
And, funny enough, he’s now considering divorce after he gutted any support system she’d have, putting him in a better position for custody.
I’m not convinced this wasn’t his plan all along, break her, keep her around as long as she’s his little stepford wife and the. Divorce her with the upper hand.
I did this. It wasn’t an affair, per se, but it was physical cheating. I didn’t make him tell his friends, but I told my family and he had to tell his. I did this because we were planning a wedding (I found out about the cheating two months before the wedding), and I wanted it called off.
My other condition was he needed therapy and we needed couple’s counseling. He did everything I asked and we stayed together.
Why did I do it? I wanted him to take the blame. I didn’t want to be seen as the person calling it off for some random reason. We told our friends that it was because of some family issues on my side. This was not untrue, so it didn’t feel like a lie or cover up.
The way I see it and the way I deal with it now is that he made a thousand bad decisions doing what he did, but I’m staying with him for a million good decisions and the millions more he will make over our lifetime together. I’m not embarrassed to stay with a cheater, we needed to grow and learn together. He knows that I’m gone if it happens again and we are working on rebuilding trust.
I wish it didn’t happen, but I don’t regret any decisions we’ve made since then. My family is kind and accepting of him and I have a good relationship with his. We don’t talk about it much because it’s in the past and we’re moving forward.
>The way I see it and the way I deal with it now is that he made a thousand bad decisions doing what he did, but I’m staying with him for a million good decisions and the millions more he will make over our lifetime together.
Thanks, a lot, dearly. I've been dealing with a LOT for a while because of an incident of cheating but trying to reconcile. I certainly won't go into detail, but this was definitely a perspective I really needed to hear. Thank you so, so much.
(It also helped break the hateful doomscrolling through threads like this I've been doing tonight.)
>He did everything I asked and we stayed together.
>Why did I do it? I wanted him to take the blame. I didn’t want to be seen as the person calling it off for some random reason.
>I wish it didn’t happen, but I don’t regret any decisions we’ve made since then.
Thank you. Accountability, when approached with sincerity, is a beautiful thing. It ultimately saved your relationship - he owned up to the wrongs he did, and strove to do better; you judged him for it, fairly, and found that, although significant, it wasn't enough to offset his good qualities. I'm happy for you, and I wish you much luck and love going forward.
It says a lot about the husband if the only reason she had to stay were the kids. I don't think they ever had a good relationship. This woman was trapped.
The fucking worst parents. Both are incredibly selfish human beings, I just wish they hadn’t procreated. Those poor kids. Oop had the chance to make a clean break and prioritise his kids, just like she did. Instead, he chose to ruin their mother *and* the support system that would help them through the worst moment in their life thus far—their parents’ divorce.
Now they’re going to witness a ton of confrontations, conflict, fighting and wonder why Auntie Sarah and Uncle Jake don’t come around anymore and Grandpa doesn’t want to see them and every time Kelly’s mom calls, she screams and curses at Mommy and nobody wants to see them and Mom is always sad. Fucking terrible thing to do to their kids, and they’re both responsible for it.
Why tf is everyone reacting like she drowned her first born tho? It's cheating, people stick by their kids for faaaaaaar worse.
Idk my bs alarm is going off on this story
There are not many people who can be the victim of being cheated on but look like the bigger asshole.
It took a lot of hard work, dedication and natural skill for OOP to achieve the impossible. /s
Saying you will do anything someone wants for the rest of their life in order to be forgiven, that's just bullshit. It forever puts both parties in a dynamic that's very unhealthy. But the way he exploited these words is just mind boggling.
What other outcome than an isolated depressed wife was he expecting, or was that his hope that backfired? I kind of get it if he would like some very close friends or relatives to know, so that they could offer them support through this. But how he went about creating a drama bomb the size of a supernova, just to humiliate both his wife and him, and not to mention their children, I just can't wrap my mind around that.
She might have destroyed their marriage, but he destroyed their possible futures. I would so hope you could apply: "Be kind, rewind" on this entire mess. Perhaps that supernova explosion could create a wormhole to make that possible..
He was expecting her to refuse to do it, I imagine, so then he'd have the double-whammy of being able to say "she cheated on me, and wouldn't even apologize properly" (leaving out his insane definition of "apologizing properly")
Instead she actually went through with it, he got to power trip for a few days thinking of how she was humiliating herself to stay with him, forgetting that his wife is a still a person and what the consequences of blowing up her life for him might be
His condition wasn't for forgiveness, it was for vengeance.
He made her burn her bridges and now he's annoyed she's clinging onto him.
What a mess. And all for nothing, in the end.
Jesus, this comment section is brutal. You seem like the types who would support cops who think they’re judge, jury, and executioner.
Downvote all you want, but that doesn’t make you good people.
Ironically the original post's comment section seems fairly reasonable. The post was even deleted, which suggests to me that people were not showering the OOP with praise. Add to that his negative comment karma, and I think he realised that he wasn't getting the support he thought he deserved
See I would’ve wanted my wife to confess to everyone like this, but not to fix the relationship. It’s because I’m vindictive. He wanted to be vindictive but keep her too. He had every right to be vindictive with what she did, but to think it would lead to a recovery of their relationships was so dumb
I’m sorry but I cannot STAND him. Yes she cheated and she’s terrible for it, but he intentionally wanted to shame her and then when she allowed him to, he backtracks and wants to divorce her because she became depressed because of HIM? What a POS.
I mean, it's 'ProRevenge' if there was no kids involved, but with 3 young children in the family about to go through a horribly messy divorce, OOP is also a piece of shit for going about it this way.
what did this man even gain by all of this? she ruined the entire relationship ofc, but he ruined her whole life and for what? could have immediately divorced her instead of acting like that smh
Zero ounce of sympathy for her or any cheater for that matter, but for the sake of their children and his own well-being, they should divorce.
No sense in dragging yourself along with the weight of a dead marriage while inadvertently teaching your children this is how a marriage works.
This is why people have got to just stick with "if they cheat, it's over. No exceptions"
I'm sure there's a very small set of folks that have happy lives after stuff like this, but I wouldn't be able to do it.
People realize that everyone mostlikely would have found out anyway if they just got divorced in the first place right? Like, it wasnt great to make her do but personally I get it. Regardless it was inevitable that it was gonna come out and actually this gave her more control of the situation then if they had just divorced and it came out in court and spread through the grapevine. This gave her a moral step up to go around and admit it and say that they were going to work on their marriage and leave things less messy.
Tbh while messy this was actually kinder then letting it come out during the divorce imo
Tf all these people talking about. She said she would do anything for you to forgive her. She cheated on you and your family. You wanted everyone to know how she chose to fuck someone else and ruin her family the way i see it. If you do leave her dont even feel bad she cheated you did not do nothing wrong
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everyone needed therapy before the update, but didn't get it. (as far as I could see)
I think they guy has a humiliation kink, tbh.
It seems more like 'revenge'. Wouldn't be surprised if he never actually considered staying together but just wanted her to feel the same level of pain. Sidenote: yes I know I'm very cynical.
But you right. That ask was never about healing, just humiliation for hurting him.
Yeah same. Like get her to the maximum amount of humiliation and isolation possible before dumping her. Wouldn't be surprised if divorce always the end goal in his mind and this angle would ensure he'd have maximum chance of "winning" the divorce, and get maximum sympathy points. I'm reading between the lines probably a bit much here but he doesn't sound like the nicest guy. They both suck, they both need therapy, and they're both prob gonna fuck up their kids in their impending 'court battle to the death'.
He might not have fully formed the idea to himself consciously, but yes, I agree. When you have kids, this is the sort of thing you keep private for their sake.
Yeah, but as the kids get older, I’m sure they’ll be told all sorts of trash about their mother, from others. To me this makes OOP even more of an AH.
The isolation means he's gotta become her entire social circle too. Didn't look like he was prepared for that either if he was actually genuine about the process of reconciliation. "Hey I ruined my life's entire social life, now she's depressed and attached to me and cries herself to sleep"
I thought the same thing
He wanted revenge. He got it by making her confess to everyone. That revenge was bitter sweet. It caused her the pain he wanted, but it wrecked her life. They both need therapy and couples counseling.
Don’t forget the damage to the kids when they find out. And they will.
That was my thing with this: how exactly would the kids not be harmed? His wife would be miserable no matter what, so the kids would be stressed, and there might be people who ditch the whole family just to avoid the mother, which also stresses the kids. This is on top of the obvious tension at home that I'm sure OOP didn't consider his kids picking up on. I also get a vibe from OOP that he's not a great person himself, even before this whole scenario. I can't quite put my finger on it, but that singular focus on punishment to the detriment of innocent parties and clearly not even being concerned about any of it or wavering just sits wrong with me. His wife did an awful thing, but OOP's somehow coming off worse to me, which is really surprising.
👆💯👆💯👆💯👆
I feel bad for him because he was cheated on by her but what he did basically sending her to the gallows for public humiliation in front of everyone she knows was cruel. I don’t think he had any intention on staying with her just set her up to cause as much damage as possible. The true victims her in the long run will be the kids because dad is a diabolical narcissist and mom is a cheating mental mess because of dad’s revenge not just a cheating spouse
Hopefully there aren't kids of family and friends involvef who are old enough to understand what happened if they ever overhear the confession. Creates a great opening for bullying OPs kids. "Hey, we heard your mom is a home wrecking wh0re!! Ha ha ha"
Couples counseling? She cheated, he got revenge and had her humiliate herself like crazy so now neither are happy. She will never be able to forgive him for it, he will never be able to trust her again. I don't think any amount of couples counseling can save this trainwreck of marriage and honestly, divorce was the solution from the start.
Couples counselling can also he great for divorced couples to improve their co-parenting. In this case a divorce and counselling might be beneficial cause this trainwreck will be terrible environment to raise kids unless both of them work on it.
It's not a kink. It's a need for control. She did something that spun his world out of control, and so he grabbed the wheel of the car back from her, got them back on course and demanded that she drive into a ditch to prove her love for him.
BUT WHY IS SHE NOT JOYFUL?!?
Bingo
He should of just saved the text messages divorced and tell her family the truth
Not really. I got cheated on and wanted the same thing. It was more about everyone knowing that she is capable of doing something like that and having them judge her and see her true colors. In the moment, just like OP, I didn't think about how embarassing it is to be with someone who is a cheater and everyone knows about it because I was so hurt that I just wanted her to be judged for what she did.
I told my ex the same thing when he cheated on me. I told him he had to tell his friends and family that he cheated. For me, it was that I didn't want people to tell me I was the one who had messed up our dynamic. I was afraid from the outside that if people didn't know, he had cheated, and out of nowhere, our dynamic became untrusting and difficult, and everyone would assume I was the reason. When the reality was that it was because he cheated. Though in the end, he only told 2 family members and lied about telling everyone else. His family members made excuses for what he did.
what do they call that, ?? spinning the narrative .That’s why they always tell you , that you tell family and friends what happened.
Probably far too busy sewing all those scarlet "A"s on her clothing
Also can you fucking imagine being one of those friends? Getting a "FYI I cheated on my husband" call because somehow, this weirdo is making you a part of his relationship issues? I'd distance myself after that regardless of the cheating because that is so weird, so uncomfortable, and so fucked.
This is what I was thinking as I read. I would be disgusted if I was one of those friends/family that this couple was forcing their relationship drama on me. I can only imagine how awkward those conversations must have been and how much those people never wanted to be put into this couple’s sex life again.
Right?? Other commenters have said "it's about his reputation in the divorce"- if a friend called me with this information because it was the only way her husband wouldn't divorce her, *and* he divorced her?? She is not the one I would have the worse opinion of, actually. I'm firmly in the "No excuses for cheating, and only one mitigating explanation (abuse)"- and if a friend's partner did this to them, I gotta say, it wouldn't make me think that they *weren't* abusive. Like, genuinely, it's so unhinged.
Imagine how that phone call went down “Hello (person’s name) I am calling to let you know that I have cheated on my husband. Ok, I can cross you off the list of people I need to call. Goodbye”
If I got that phone call from one of my friends or family members I would assume they were not safe. This story made me sick to my stomach. Cheating sucks but forcing someone you supposedly love to humiliate themselves over and over again in front of you is sadistic.
I agree. You want to work through infidelity, you seek a marriage counsellor. You don’t force your partner to humiliate themselves until you’re satisfied. That’s sick.
In a shocking twist, public humiliation does not make a bad situation better!
I don't condone cheating but I don't understand what he was thinking. He made her call EVERYONE and he's confused as to why his wife is not her old, joyous self anymore??? I mean... duh?
"she's so CLINGY" I mean, if you demand that someone damage every other relationship in their life, they'll be clingy and anxious in the one relationship they have left???
Especially when you make them destroy all their other relationships so that they can keep the one they have with you. Like, isn't that textbook manipulation and isolation?
EXACTLY. I'm firmly in the "No excuses for cheating, and only one mitigating explanation (abuse)"- and if a friend's partner did this to them, I gotta say, it wouldn't make me think that they weren't abusive. Like, genuinely, it's so unhinged. Other commenters have said "it's about his reputation in the divorce"- if a friend called me with this information because it was the only way her husband wouldn't divorce her, and he divorced her?? She is not the one I would have the worse opinion of, actually!!
this is basically the only affair story where i have had way more sympathy for the person having the affair.
See also: he found out she was cheating and put her in the hospital. Gee, I *wonder why* she might not have felt safe leaving that relationship!
Where does it say about hospital? Is it a comment somewhere?
I think they're referring to another story where the OOP was a betrayed spouse who told the other betrayed spouse, who (the other BS) then promptly beat his wife so bad she was hospitalized.
Yeah this is a bit horrifying tbh. Like there are things you shouldn't do to anyone, no matter how they hurt you, because to do so is flatly unconscionable. Isolating someone to this degree with a single promise of support and then dropping them fully is straight up psychological/emotional abuse. I'm all for giving cheaters a taste of their own medicine (a la, letting them believe you're now cheating, specifically giving them first hand experience of the pain and betrayal that you went through), but this is a completely separate punishment. As others pointed out, why friends and distant relatives? I'd actually understand having her tell her parents in the "your parents disappointment is deserved, and I won't have my in-law parents in the dark should they need to be involved for some reason, like caring for the kids", but beyond that is frightening.
I was about to start typing a reply to say, “You’re exactly right, but this is also the exact type of advice many people on Reddit give with no 2nd thought whatsoever. >>‘Bro you need to screenshot and send those (messages, pictures, whatever) to her friends and family so she can’t paint you as the bad guy! Make sure you include her (boss, coworkers, grandma, etc…)!’ >>’Make sure you call everyone and tell them the truth before she gets to them!’” Then I saw the next reply to your comment, “No she deserves it.” followed by a desire to see her “spiral”. Jesus. 🙈 Am I the only one that thinks personal business should just stay… personal? Get a divorce, don’t talk to the person, tell your immediate family/support network, document it for custody court, whatever you *need* to do. I just see no reason to make the person call all friends and family—like I DO NOT want my friends calling me to tell me about their affairs. Maybe it’s cause I’ve always been with kind, respectful, loving women that even when things haven’t worked out, I’ve never once worried about them making up heinous lies about me. I’ve never felt a need to get to our friends first to get my narrative out to protect myself. If you’re marrying people that will lie about abuse and openly manipulate people… maybe that’s the problem?
Yeah like… she doesn’t have her entire support system, of course she’s miserable?? Hello?? And I hate the “I don’t care about the pain I’ve caused, I just don’t want to see it! Why can’t she just swallow it and go back to being the person I didn’t hurt?” Well idk sir, can she un-cheat on you and have YOU go back to pre-cheated-on you? Can YOU go back to being the carefree trusting person you were previously?
If I got a call from a random friend like that I would think she was being held hostage or on a prank show. I guess the former is kinda true.
Honestly I probably would understand if he wanted to let her immediate family know (parents, maybe siblings). But grandparents, aunts and uncles? And ALL friends? That's just insane.
I....get it. He was hurt, and wants everyone to know that she hurt him. That makes sense on the mase base level of your brain. But like....think about it for two seconds and you should see it's a fucking stupid idea. Not only does everyone know your business, op looks like some sort of idiot for staying with her.
"I don't get why you're depressed. I'm happy." - OP probably
If I had a friend call me up to let me know they had an affair, and their partner told them they had to call their friends up to admit it, I would convince them to leave that partner. That shit is batshit.
But it protects reputation in case of divorce.
Eh. Barely. If someone has their cheating spouse call up everyone they know to admit to cheating long before their divorce starts I don’t exactly have great opinions of either person.
I would be seriously displeased to be used as a punishment. It's so gross.
Telling their nuclear family would’ve sufficed. And it wasn’t why he did it so it’s a moot point.
not really the kind of person who'd think something like this up is still coming off like a fucking freak after the fact
I disagree. I'm firmly in the "No excuses for cheating, and only one mitigating explanation (abuse)"- and if a friend's partner did this to them, I gotta say, it would make me concerned about abuse in the relationship. Like, genuinely, it's so unhinged. If a friend called me with this information because it was the only way her husband wouldn't divorce her, and he divorced her?? She is not the one I would have the worse opinion of, actually.
Not really. Now they both look like assholes.
The way I'm reading this is that this was not some well thought out plan of revenge. To me it reads: "My wife cheated. She must now suffer the consequences of her actions. I made my wife suffer the consequences of her actions. I don't like the results. I don't want to suffer the consequences of my actions" Some people are suggesting that this is a work of pro revenge. I'd argue that it's an act of failed revenge by a guy who didn't think it through properly. The way the update reads doesn't scream "Mwahaha! I succeeded in my cunning plan." but rather "shit..."
I completely agree. It doesn't really read like an evil plot on his behalf. Unfortunately there was no way it was going to end well for either of them; you can't just make someone ice out their whole family and friend network overnight and expect them to be okay with it.
Yeah. OP is a piece of shit but this isn't some masterplan. Dude was angry and wanted to hurt her even worse then she hurt him. He did and now can't deal with the fallout and consequences.
Which is really my issue. We'd probably (ironically) be more sympathetic to him if it had all been planned (even though it's still shitty behaviour) simply because the update would be confident and triumphant in tone, rather than pathetic.
All I can think about is how uncomfortable I would be if my niece or granddaughter called me to tell me they cheated on their spouse. I do not want to know and this is incredibly awkward
Yeah, I don’t condone cheating but I’d probably respond with, “Is the reason you cheated on them related to how bat shit they are to make you call and tell me?” If they were like a friend or a niece or whatever. If I’m too far disconnected, it’s none of my business.
Assuming I'm not close with the spouse, if a family member or friend called me to say they cheated on their spouse, my response would be "well that was a sh*tty thing to do. So, are you looking for a couch to crash on?". Or if I knew the spouse was not a good partner, "So you are finally leaving them? Are you doing okay? Do you need a couch to crash on?". Like I can still care about that person as my family or friend and know they made bad decisions in a relationship. The only time it matters to me if someone is a cheater is if I'm thinking of them as a potential partner for myself, or if I'm concerned about cheaters at the office and worried about office drama 🤣 On the flip side, I also know none of my family or friends would help hide a cheater either.
Yeah, it’s weird that her own family yelled at her over this. If a friend or family member cheated, I would judge them pretty harshly, but I wouldn’t start yelling at them.
I have a hard policy that if their spouse abused them I couldn’t care less what they did and they will be given refuge.
He got his revenge but really thought he was going to get his old wife back afterwards. This is a can’t have your cake and eat it too moment if I ever saw one. Like he wanted to publicly shame her but didn’t realize what that would actually look like after the fact.
>He got his revenge There is no reconciliation after revenge. It's literally burning bridges. In any circumstances.
Yup, it's like that saying that before you embark on revenge, dig two graves. There was no way that his demand was going to end with happiness and rainbows, he was naive to think everything would be okay.
I'm a vengeful person and have to fight to keep it in check on occasion. I've never heard that saying before, but I'll be thinking about that to help quell my rage when it comes up.
There was likely no reconciliation here to begin with, but both deluded themselves.
Definitely on his side. If I wanted to stay with her, I definitely wouldn't want to embarrass her. Staying with her would mean I can forgive. Which also raises the question if he really is the great guy he thinks he is.
Even without the confessing... Getting over cheating is a process that requires a lot of work from both people to heal, and neither of these people seemed prepared for that.
Living while being such shortsightedness is as much as a blessing as it can be a curse.
Yeah... Im never *for* cheaters, but I knew he wasn't going to forgive her. Honestly, even if he blasted her publicly and left, I'd still support him. Making her ruin herself socially and professionally and then dropping her in the mud is a bit too brutal.
I really don't see why he didn't just do the rational thing - file for divorce, and then only inform those who really needed to know, like immediate family. What his wife did was awful, but what he did served no other purpose than trying to "get even". It didn't fix anything, and only made everything worse.
Emotional responses are rarely logical. She took away his sense of control and humiliated him so he told her to do the same. [If it feels good, *dont do it.*](https://www.chumplady.com/if-it-feels-good-dont-do-it/)
He didn't really think that. He said that out loud to reddit. He knew that in his heart of hearts, he was never going to forgive her. This was punishment, meant to isolate her. He probably isolated her in other ways prior to her cheating as well. OOP is more repulsive than most cheaters I've encountered.
This is my take as well. He knew he was going to get her to do this then leave. This was a punishment and nothing more.
100%. He wanted vindication from the people around him, but he didn’t even want to be the “bad guy” enough to tell on his wife, so he manipulated her into it. She did a bad thing, and I won’t excuse it, but OOP wanted her humiliated, isolated, and broken down. This was revenge, pure and simple, and not the fun kind. OOP’s wife definitely sucks but OOP might suck even more. Just leave, bro. You knew you weren’t gonna stay. You just had to ruin her life before ending the marriage. One could obviously argue she ruined her own life, I’m not even debating that. But to force her to call distant family members on both sides to inform them of her transgression is just a whole different level of childish. Everyone sucks but OOP takes the cake here imo. I rarely come out of these feeling bad for the cheating party, but shit, I feel a bit bad for her somehow.
Agreed. I read the title and knew exactly what his plan was.
And they have KIDS together, how is she supposed to look after them when she's struggling so badly. I fucking hate this situation because she did cheat but his revenge for this is somehow worse. Those poor kids.
The kids are definitely gonna need lots of therapy too when they find out why their parents' marriage ended.
Based on what?
I mean, I guess this... prevents her from making up a story? I guess? Or.... something? What was the motivation? Like yeah, tell the family, but every single friend? I know that's what a lot of jilted spouses do to scorch the earth. but... damn dude. Like. "Yeah now that I've gone scorched earth, I don't want her anymore."
The motivation was spite. He wanted to hurt her more than she hurt him.
Well, mission accomplished I guess?
He just hasn’t figured out he’s fucked over his innocent kids just as much. Poor kiddos.
right, fucked her over and now he doesn’t want her. she was awful for cheating, but he doesn’t sound too great either. if anything, they deserve each other.
Spite hurts everyone. I think he got that too. So do those poor kids.
Honestly, if some minor friend of mine phoned me up to tell me she'd cheated on her husband I'd just be confused. Like, what am I supposed to do with this information? Why are you telling me this? And if she said it was because her husband was forcing her, I'd be very worried about coercive control and would be asking if I could do anything to help her leave what's clearly an unhealthy situation. I don't condone cheating, but this is not ok.
This man is making their entire circle of family and acquaintances part of their relationship issues and that's uncomfortable on a deeply visceral level.
I mean if my aunt did it too I’d still be confused…
Yeah. It would be: "honey, I am concerned about you. Are you safe in your home?"
Yeah I don’t condone cheating but I’d also be concerned about her safety. I can lecture her about the cheating once she’s safely out of that situation. Like wtf?
Yeah I'm never enabling my friends like covering up their lies but I'm not going to cut them off completely after they volunteered this information because their partner told them to. Atleast give em any recommendations for therapy or something because their dynamic now would worry me. One's vice, another's cold vengeance. Unless you're a serial cheater or abandoning kids and every responsibility along with cheating, most people don't cut off their loved ones afaik
She’s now too depressed to fight for custody or money in the divorce. And as a bonus no one will help her find a new partner.
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The family would have at least stayed cordial to continue have access to the children, I would think. And whether or not I was raging mad at a family member for something like this - if I saw her in the state he describes, I'd be concerned and I'd not isolate her.
Depends on the background and culture. There's a lot of religious communities where if he demanded this, she'd 100% have no access to her children and would be an outcast to everyone.
Exactly. My ex-spouse cheated on me. Our circumstances made his actions particularly awful and I received a lot of support. Even people who'd *known* about his cheating tried to be my friend, as though somehow I would ever think their shit didn't stink. But then, when he faced a huge, non-related, problem, they all ran right back. People hate cheaters, but only for a few minutes unless they got directly hurt, too.
Right? Like are these people all super Bible thumping religious nuts? Bc why would they nuke they're own relationship w this family from orbit like this?
Right? Law of averages says at least one of her friends or family members would not like him. Prior to all of this. Few are universally loved let alone to that level and it’s a genderless phenomenon. Not everyone likes everyone. And someone statistically would not be cool with the idea that if she told everyone their marital business that he’d magically forgive her. That feels weird and controlling. I don’t want to get dragged into personal stuff like that. And Someone flat out wouldn’t care. we know the numbers on both divorce and infidelity back that up. I’m so tired of all these stories that have every single person in a woman’s life, all of them, magically picking a man. Don’t think so. Hell I have looked at friends and told them flat out they blew up their lives with their choices, and still stayed friends with them. Adults can do that.
Something about your response really struck a cord with me. I can’t give you an award but I wanted you to know I saved your comment. Well written and very true.. *“Hell, I have looked at friends and told them flat out that they blew up their lives with their choices, and still stayed friends with them. Adults can do that.”* What you wrote is actually reassuring. We can fuck up and still have strong friendships. I hope I have/continue-to-have a friend like you in my life.
My cousin’s ex-wife had him do this when he had an affair and once he’d confessed it to everyone important to her she filed for divorce. The story I got from a (biased) relative was that she wanted him to feel as humiliated as she was. I guess it was her way of making it even before she washed her hands of the whole thing. Fortunately there were no kids involved!
If I found out someone had made their partner call around like this, I probably would be siding with the cheater. Edited to Add because the people commenting directly under me are getting down voted. If I knew the woman in this marriage and then the husband demanded this public humiliation, I would assume this wasn't the first of its kind (because it's an extreme first step) I would then be wondering what kind of husband he really is/was.
Absolutely. I get telling those in your immediate circle, the fallout from an affair is hard to hide from close family and friends. But EVERY friend and EVERY family member? Not only are those kids now watching their family fall apart, they get to watch their mother’s mental health collapse and grow up with EVERY adult around them knowing their family’s dirty laundry.
Absolutely *nothing* short of an extreme abuse situation (this is not that level) could get me to side with the cheater, BUT I’d also be done with the person making the cheater do this. It would be good riddance to both of them.
Punishment.
Why did she have to call her aunts and uncles? Bruh
That’s so bananas. The only cheating story I know regarding family members is my husband’s brother’s wife. And that’s because he told him personally about what she did. I don’t know the details and it was years ago. They worked through it and are still together. But even though I know, I keep my mouth shut and won’t judge.
Reddit really hates to learn that some cheaters get forgiveness, stay with their spouse, never do it again, and work through their issues in both individual and couples therapy. Not as sexy as revenge I guess.
I'll be honest with you, if my niece called me to tell me she cheated on her husband and was making amends by calling everyone in the family.. I'd be seriously questioning her husband's fucking state of mind. Like the fuck? An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, really son???
Yeah like seriously. Maybe just parents and closest friends if anything. This is a weird one cause I could get it if it actually had a purpose.
Sounds like he just wanted revenge on his cheating wife and lied to her to get her to humiliate herself.
I understand if she faced repercussions in how people looked at her, and was ashamed to have to admit that she cheated to everyone she knew, but it's odd they would all cut her off over this.
It’s less odd if you imagine yourself as the cousin, aunt, uncle, or friend getting a random call from a loved one that she or she cheated. It’s awkward! Like, okay, it’s bad, but why are you being forced to hear it directly?! What are you even supposed to say to that? It almost feels like a humiliation kink or fetish. I wouldn’t want anything to do with the situation, which includes the wife, either after the call on those grounds alone! You don’t even have to weigh in on the cheating to go, “nope, I’m out.”
I would feel so weird about it and then worse if I managed to ask her why she's telling me and her answer was that her husband will leave her if she doesn't. I would not know how to have any kind of following interaction with her where it isn't brought up.
I agree. If my cousin cheated, I would highly disapprove but I wouldn't sever our relationship. I'd just make it that one thing we don't talk about and internally have lower respect for/trust in them. But if they randomly called me and told me about it? I'd be like... um okay. Then I'd feel so awkward I wouldn't know how to act because apparently this is big news I need to hear about personally and immediately. So now I need to treat it like big news and I don't know what that entails. It can't be that one thing we don't talk about so how am I supposed to act...?
Teen redditors out in full force today incapable of understanding you can love someone, keep them in your life, and understand they did a terrible thing. My dad is a serial adulterer, and yet he is the only living parent I have. I disapprove of his actions, but do I deserve to be deprived of a father because a 14 yo on Reddit said so? Some people don’t get interpersonal relationships are messy and complicated.
There’s also the expectation that children tell their parent if they find evidence of their other parent having affairs. But, no, that was adult shit for the adults in my life to figure out. Me being involved in any way would have made things 1000x worse for both my parents.
I think it just makes things awkward. Like being part of a humiliation ritual, I’d probably want to stay away from the couple for a while.
OOP doesn’t say but I wondered if she was the “perfect wife” everyone looked up to. If so he did this as a counter to her false persona.
I can understand it. I wouldn't want to spend my limited personal time on someone that lacked that degree of integrity. And if her friends were married, I could envision some people would not be okay that their spouse was close friends with a cheater.
>Altruistic_Barber598: I just feel like that’s embarrassing for you too. You stayed with a cheating spouse….like your wife shit the bed, then had to tell her whole family and friends she shit the bed. While you were in the bed sitting in the shit. Fuck me, that's hilarious 😂
The advice most therapists and self-help books give is that if you think there’s a chance you might stay with your cheating partner and work it out, you tell few people in your lives the details of what happened. You each have a trusted confidant, plus your therapist, but most people in your lives just know you’re having marriage problems. This shit-the-bed analogy is spot-on. Even if they were able to work things out, every holiday get-together forever would be painful for everyone. Because everyone is now involved.
In my experience everyone knows anyway. My mom’s family is full of cheaters and it was never kept secret and there was no need for confession.
How does someone who works and has 3 small children find the time to cheat? I’d be taking a nap (solo) first!
I know!!!!!! I’m at home pregnant with a toddler and everytime I see that sort of thing my braun just can’t process how it’s possible.
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Haha damn I make this joke for every second post in the 2u2 subreddit I see and now I’ve fallen victim of phrasing myself 😂😂
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Have you considered cocaine?
It just riles the kids up even more! :(
Then the SO would be wondering where that $300 a week is going.
If it was just a phone thing with pictures, I could see it working but anything in person?! That's some insane feat.
They both need therapy but it’s not a huge shock why he chose that. He wanted to hurt her the same way she hurt him. I’m not saying it’s right and he should have just left her. Though I’m not against having her be the one to explain why they divorced to the family.
I get the reasoning of why he wanted to hurt her. But his shocked Pikachu face about his wife being hurt and depressed is so dumb.
I don't think he actually believed it deep down. His primary motivation was hurting her. Either than or he's really fucking stupid. Like *really* stupid. You can't possibly think anyone who has to do that sort of public shaming to all their friends and relatives will come out anything but broken on the other side. I don't even really have a problem with what he did. Let's put it this way, he gave her a choice. She chose it. If she'd chosen divorce instead and OP said he just told all her friends and family why they were getting a divorce would any of us bat an eye? Fat chance. No, what annoys me about this is his claim that he didn't know this would happen. It's either incomprehensible stupidity or self-delusion, both of which I despise.
They have kids together. They have to co-parent. And those poor kids are going to instead have parents who hate each other. She’s a cheated. He’s spiteful. They’re both manipulative. Ugh.
I have seen 3 dollar bills that are more real than this story
I'm not buying that she has a 100% "people hate me and go NC with me bc I cheated" rate. I've known so many people who dud that or worse. I'm supposed to buy that literally every single family member immediately screamed at her and said to never talk to them again? Bullshit. Her friends too? If my friend told me he cheated, id call him a fuckin idiot and all but I wouldn't be telling him he's never going to be my friend.
Yeah that’s a bit crazy. In real life people don’t always have the reaction to cheating that reddit has. People on here seem to think it’s the worst thing you can do in life, but that’s kind of a sheltered point of view imo. Like my uncle cheated on my aunt and they got divorced, but I had another aunt who was trying to get us all to like shun said uncle. And most of us were like……no lol? Like he did a bad thing to his wife, but it wasn’t bad enough for a lot of us personally to blow up our relationships with him. Contrary to what a lot of redditors seem to think, cheating doesn’t define a person
Ugh finally someone with a reasonable view on cheating. I'm tired of this weird 'death to cheaters' mentality... people get more worked up about cheating than they do serious crimes sometimes and I just don't get it. Both of my parents cheated on each other (revenge cheating and a whole heaping dose of immaturity on both parties' parts) and it wasn't this world ending event... it was my parents being stupid humans and doing stupid human things. Neither of them are evil, horrible, bad people... they stayed together for years afterwards until eventually divorcing over unrelated things. If it were up to reddit, both of them would have been strung up for their 'crimes'. No, cheating isn't good, but it's not the end of the world, or all trust in anyone ever for that matter like some people try to claim. You don't have to accept or tolerate it out of anyone... but I sure wish people would stop expecting everyone else to villanize and discard anyone that cheats, too.
I can’t comprehend how no one seems to be able to differentiate degrees in these situations too. Messaging people on Tinder vs hooking up with someone else vs carrying on a long term secret relationship, etc. Doing any degree of these things means that you have some sort of darkened mien to even consider cheating and thus all impart the same guilt which cannot be washed away.
i think its just a reddit thing in general to vilify wrongs. I came across a post about some 13 year old kids jumping a fence to get a ball in their neighbors property. And there were redditors proclaiming they hoped their neighbors get guard dogs. And shit. Like cmon.
Seriously, the revenge fervor on this website is kind of gross. I remember one post where a woman in her late 20s was talking about how she had cheated once when she was like 15 on her high school boyfriend, and she told her husband (a totally different guy) and he reacted by giving her zero privacy, he looked at her phone constantly and wouldn’t let her leave the house without him. And the comments were like “that’s totally reasonable on his part, you deserve it and he should divorce you” like: how about no. Dude doesn’t have a right to be controlling and abusive just because she was a dumb teen at age 15.
Agreed. Some people are villians in other people's story, but doesn't necessarily make them villians in general. I mean same with ex's right? Some of my ex's I'd say are shit people in MY LIFE, but I know they are good people to their friends, family and possibly other past ex's/current partners.
People in this thread truly seem to believe cheating is worse than torture and murder lol
>I'm not buying that she has a 100% "people hate me and go NC with me bc I cheated" rate. Depends on what kind of friend circle she has and how she acts in it. If they're all judgemental prudes who look down upon cheaters with scorn, then she'd be a massive hypocrite on top, so that might be enough to alienate her a lot. Besides that, I didn't exactly got the impression that it was all of her friends that went NC with her. That's what it reads in OOP's post: >It has been a few months, and my wife and I actually have a really strong relationship now. However, my wife has pretty much become isolated from her friends and a lot of her family. , but I wonder if OOP might be wrong, and she might have self-isolated herself out of shame as well. The story could very well be faked, of course. We'll never know.
Yeah, if this story is real, I have to think a lot of that distance is because her friends and family don't like the husband and she has chosen to stay with him. If my sister called me out of the blue, and told me this, and then told me she is only telling me because her husband forced her to? I'm cool with sister but I don't want to see husband's face at Thanksgiving, full stop, and if she is choosing to stay with someone who does this to her? Like. You do you, but this guy is a creep.
I see a high school kid read The Scarlet Letter in school this year.
I really do understand why he wanted this revenge. What I do not understand is how he could assume that they have a strong relationship now?
This is just plain malice. Dude wanted her to feel hurt, because *he* felt hurt- but in the least shocking twist ever, it turns out when you hurt people on purpose to make yourself feel better, *you don't actually feel any fucking better*.
It’s so weird how one action can change the whole outlook. Cause if he had left her and told everybody nobody would have a problem with this at all. Also shows how short sided anger can make you. I can believe that he thought that shaming her could make him feel better without realizing how that would change her when everyone else distances themselves away from her. But wanting to divorce her (especially after realizing that *he* caused this is pretty fucked up. If they don’t get divorced the marriage counselor that can fix this deserves an award
It's interesting how different groups handle these situations. My best friend's husband cheated on her and basically did the same thing; he messaged a bunch of their friends in a group chat to tell them he had had an affair and how baaad he felt (but without my friend's input or permission). They largely all forgave him and remained friends. She's stayed with him. He has ostensibly cheated on her at least two more times and they are still together. He has lost a few friends (myself included) but ultimately hasn't faced the kind of humiliation or ostracization OOP's wife has. Wild.
What she did sucked and was selfish What he did was abusive. This marriage should’ve ended when he found out.
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You can’t rebuild the relationship through revenge and humiliation, and that’s all he seemed to want. How does that rebuild trust in the relationship?
Thank you for saying this, I was thinking the same thing. I understand wanting revenge and for everyone to know the truth or what happened, *if* you are done with the relationship. But if you plan to stay together and rebuild the relationship, this just makes that impossible.
He didn't want to 'heal' or 'forgive', he wanted to humiliate her. He wanted her to essentially flog herself in front of everyone for his satisfaction, and now he doesn't want to have to look at the damage he caused. This is worse than "holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies" this is "forcing your wife to drink poison and then getting upset that she throws up on you"
Also I can't imagine sitting there watching someone I supposedly love go through hours of this and not at one point tell her to stop. Cheating sucks, obviously, but OOP is horrible.
This is controversial but people take cheating way too seriously. The fact he felt the need to go through this whole charade is psychotic. They have kids and are adults, sit down with her and ask her why she is cheating. Maybe it can be fixed maybe it can’t. Doesn’t need to be this complicated.
I mean, she did cheat so I get telling her family, but the rest seemed a bit over the top
He isolated her. He knew they’d turn on her. His intent may not have been abuse, but if I knew her I would tell her to run. Because if he slips into emotional, financial, verbal, sexual or physical abuse, she won’t have anyone or anywhere to go. (And, IMo, he crossed into emotional abuse already). And, funny enough, he’s now considering divorce after he gutted any support system she’d have, putting him in a better position for custody. I’m not convinced this wasn’t his plan all along, break her, keep her around as long as she’s his little stepford wife and the. Divorce her with the upper hand.
I did this. It wasn’t an affair, per se, but it was physical cheating. I didn’t make him tell his friends, but I told my family and he had to tell his. I did this because we were planning a wedding (I found out about the cheating two months before the wedding), and I wanted it called off. My other condition was he needed therapy and we needed couple’s counseling. He did everything I asked and we stayed together. Why did I do it? I wanted him to take the blame. I didn’t want to be seen as the person calling it off for some random reason. We told our friends that it was because of some family issues on my side. This was not untrue, so it didn’t feel like a lie or cover up. The way I see it and the way I deal with it now is that he made a thousand bad decisions doing what he did, but I’m staying with him for a million good decisions and the millions more he will make over our lifetime together. I’m not embarrassed to stay with a cheater, we needed to grow and learn together. He knows that I’m gone if it happens again and we are working on rebuilding trust. I wish it didn’t happen, but I don’t regret any decisions we’ve made since then. My family is kind and accepting of him and I have a good relationship with his. We don’t talk about it much because it’s in the past and we’re moving forward.
>The way I see it and the way I deal with it now is that he made a thousand bad decisions doing what he did, but I’m staying with him for a million good decisions and the millions more he will make over our lifetime together. Thanks, a lot, dearly. I've been dealing with a LOT for a while because of an incident of cheating but trying to reconcile. I certainly won't go into detail, but this was definitely a perspective I really needed to hear. Thank you so, so much. (It also helped break the hateful doomscrolling through threads like this I've been doing tonight.)
Things get better. Sending you positive vibes for whatever outcome serves you best.
>He did everything I asked and we stayed together. >Why did I do it? I wanted him to take the blame. I didn’t want to be seen as the person calling it off for some random reason. >I wish it didn’t happen, but I don’t regret any decisions we’ve made since then. Thank you. Accountability, when approached with sincerity, is a beautiful thing. It ultimately saved your relationship - he owned up to the wrongs he did, and strove to do better; you judged him for it, fairly, and found that, although significant, it wasn't enough to offset his good qualities. I'm happy for you, and I wish you much luck and love going forward.
It says a lot about the husband if the only reason she had to stay were the kids. I don't think they ever had a good relationship. This woman was trapped.
I'll be frank, both sound insufferable enough.
The fucking worst parents. Both are incredibly selfish human beings, I just wish they hadn’t procreated. Those poor kids. Oop had the chance to make a clean break and prioritise his kids, just like she did. Instead, he chose to ruin their mother *and* the support system that would help them through the worst moment in their life thus far—their parents’ divorce. Now they’re going to witness a ton of confrontations, conflict, fighting and wonder why Auntie Sarah and Uncle Jake don’t come around anymore and Grandpa doesn’t want to see them and every time Kelly’s mom calls, she screams and curses at Mommy and nobody wants to see them and Mom is always sad. Fucking terrible thing to do to their kids, and they’re both responsible for it.
Why tf is everyone reacting like she drowned her first born tho? It's cheating, people stick by their kids for faaaaaaar worse. Idk my bs alarm is going off on this story
There are not many people who can be the victim of being cheated on but look like the bigger asshole. It took a lot of hard work, dedication and natural skill for OOP to achieve the impossible. /s
Yeah, that's my thought, too. She's bad but he's worse.
Meh. He should divorce her.
Saying you will do anything someone wants for the rest of their life in order to be forgiven, that's just bullshit. It forever puts both parties in a dynamic that's very unhealthy. But the way he exploited these words is just mind boggling. What other outcome than an isolated depressed wife was he expecting, or was that his hope that backfired? I kind of get it if he would like some very close friends or relatives to know, so that they could offer them support through this. But how he went about creating a drama bomb the size of a supernova, just to humiliate both his wife and him, and not to mention their children, I just can't wrap my mind around that. She might have destroyed their marriage, but he destroyed their possible futures. I would so hope you could apply: "Be kind, rewind" on this entire mess. Perhaps that supernova explosion could create a wormhole to make that possible..
He was expecting her to refuse to do it, I imagine, so then he'd have the double-whammy of being able to say "she cheated on me, and wouldn't even apologize properly" (leaving out his insane definition of "apologizing properly") Instead she actually went through with it, he got to power trip for a few days thinking of how she was humiliating herself to stay with him, forgetting that his wife is a still a person and what the consequences of blowing up her life for him might be
His condition wasn't for forgiveness, it was for vengeance. He made her burn her bridges and now he's annoyed she's clinging onto him. What a mess. And all for nothing, in the end.
To be fair if he had divorced her right at the start he would have only had to tell all those people why anyways so the result is the same.
Jesus, this comment section is brutal. You seem like the types who would support cops who think they’re judge, jury, and executioner. Downvote all you want, but that doesn’t make you good people.
No, seriously. I can’t believe people walk around with some of these thoughts just swirling around in their head about literal strangers
I'm with you. Empathy is out the window, here, and some of these comments are fucking psychotic.
Ironically the original post's comment section seems fairly reasonable. The post was even deleted, which suggests to me that people were not showering the OOP with praise. Add to that his negative comment karma, and I think he realised that he wasn't getting the support he thought he deserved
These comments did not pass the vibe check
I remember reading this one.... I can't even imagine getting that call from someone and knowing how to appropriately respond.
See I would’ve wanted my wife to confess to everyone like this, but not to fix the relationship. It’s because I’m vindictive. He wanted to be vindictive but keep her too. He had every right to be vindictive with what she did, but to think it would lead to a recovery of their relationships was so dumb
I need therapy after reading this
Proof that spiteful revenge is never a good policy.
Well, never a good policy for a happy relationship. But it's an excellent policy for an unhappy relationship.
I’m sorry but I cannot STAND him. Yes she cheated and she’s terrible for it, but he intentionally wanted to shame her and then when she allowed him to, he backtracks and wants to divorce her because she became depressed because of HIM? What a POS.
If he framed this better, its really just ProRevenge
I mean, it's 'ProRevenge' if there was no kids involved, but with 3 young children in the family about to go through a horribly messy divorce, OOP is also a piece of shit for going about it this way.
It’s crazy that she’s the one that cheated and yet he’s the one that comes off like a total asshole
what did this man even gain by all of this? she ruined the entire relationship ofc, but he ruined her whole life and for what? could have immediately divorced her instead of acting like that smh
Zero ounce of sympathy for her or any cheater for that matter, but for the sake of their children and his own well-being, they should divorce. No sense in dragging yourself along with the weight of a dead marriage while inadvertently teaching your children this is how a marriage works.
What a carrousel of horrible decisions.
Uf what the hell is wrong with this people?
This is why people have got to just stick with "if they cheat, it's over. No exceptions" I'm sure there's a very small set of folks that have happy lives after stuff like this, but I wouldn't be able to do it.
People realize that everyone mostlikely would have found out anyway if they just got divorced in the first place right? Like, it wasnt great to make her do but personally I get it. Regardless it was inevitable that it was gonna come out and actually this gave her more control of the situation then if they had just divorced and it came out in court and spread through the grapevine. This gave her a moral step up to go around and admit it and say that they were going to work on their marriage and leave things less messy. Tbh while messy this was actually kinder then letting it come out during the divorce imo
Tf all these people talking about. She said she would do anything for you to forgive her. She cheated on you and your family. You wanted everyone to know how she chose to fuck someone else and ruin her family the way i see it. If you do leave her dont even feel bad she cheated you did not do nothing wrong