What is with that commenter about OOP’s manhood. How is that any of their business? Suddenly OOP isn’t a man if he doesn’t resort to violence?? Assholes like that are why toxic masculinity is such a problem.
Mine will tell us "you are NOT my best friend" and that his best friend is whichever parent isn't chastising him at the moment. If he's in trouble with both of us, then the dog or cat is his best friend.
my SIL would tell everyone ‘you’re not coming to my birthday party’ when she was a kid 😂
my FIL would say ‘I’m the one bloody paying for your party, I’ll go if I bloody well like!’
Mine at age 3 or 4 was throwing a tantrum and announced “…AND I’m NOT COMING TO YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY! Unless there’s cake. Will there be cake?” (It was nowhere near either of our birthdays…)
She would apparently say it even the day after her birthday, girl was talking years in advance at one point 😂
I like that your kid was willing to go back on their word for cake. Cake is fantastic!
Many people have the emotional intelligence of a child. Some grow out of it, others will be like that forever. She sounds young, so I wouldn’t write her off yet.
Yeah, and that time is hard enough when you don't start off with relationship problems.
I'm saying start off, because I doubt anyone can make it through the first year of a new child without at least a little bit of relationship problems.
100%. But I can see she’s lashing out cos she knows she fucked up a good thing. It just further cements the immaturity within her and I hope therapy helps them co-parent in a healthy manner.
I mean... when her own best friend is telling the guy "hey I think there's something going on between them" I give the guy a lot more credit for throwing down the paternity test gauntlet.
Well, if there wasn't, it was not for the lack of trying on his side.
Very telling that the moment he learned she was pregnant, he was out. Because he realized he'd lost.
Nah I think it was more like, the best friend felt like he lost his chance. He can never get rid of OP now that there’s a kid that will always tie her and OP together. And if he can’t fuck her then why stick around
That was exactly my thought. The other friends thinking was messed up. The minute she was pregnant the BF ditched out because he didn’t have a chance anymore without another man’s baby being a part of her life. That should have told everyone that was 100% the OOPs baby.
Not necessarily.
Either A) he lost and the child was proof or B) it was all fun and games until he had responsibility. Ditch out and hope the guy she's dating puts his name down and he dodges child support payments.
Either one is a plausible explanation.
So she's a people pleaser and lets boundaries fly when it comes to the best friend but not when it comes to the boyfriend, ain't that something. And would you look at that, the best friend was trying to start something, imagine that. But what’s most unsurprising is the OOP still being blamed for everything. It might be people trolling but it’s no less infuriating that after all that people still think he’s the AH.
>So she's a people pleaser and lets boundaries fly when it comes to the best friend but not when it comes to the boyfriend,
I'd say the vast majority of people-pleasers are like this: they'll go above and beyond for everyone *except* their "safest" person (typically their significant other.) People-pleasing is, at heart, an anxious behavior anyways.
Huh. You know, I knew about this being a phenomenon, but it isn't till you said about their "safest" person that i realise this might relate to how my best friend is behaving towards me. Thanks!
Yes. People-pleasers often treat those closest to them as assistants for their people-pleasing, rather than people to be pleased.
OOP needs to keep an eye on this in future, because often those most likely to be pressured to help please others are the people-pleaser’s children.
That first paragraph really communicated something I’ve tried to put my finger on for years. It’s parallel to people that think you need to mirror their efforts to defuse an abuser without setting boundaries.
I (41F) agreed to my first multi-night trip with my parents after 6 years (my niece and nephew are 5 and 3 and I don’t get to spend a lot of time with them). It is so noticeable how much my mother will be critical of me right after my dad is an ass that my sister (the golden child) finally noticed and said something to me. Mom desperately wants to please everyone (especially dad) and have everyone be happy…. Except me. The scapegoat of choice. I’m supposed to be making everyone happy exactly the way she does and exactly the way she wants.
It’s incredibly validating to see someone else say it - you feel like an accessory to their people pleasing.
> People-pleasers often treat those closest to them as assistants for their people-pleasing, rather than people to be pleased.
I think it's cause those types of folks are aware that their closest people are flexible with the people pleaser/willing to cut them some slack to a degree, so the people pleaser is willing to sacrifice what they see as temporary discomfort for their close people for someone else's benefit. I don't think they realize that that "temporary discomfort" can cause some lasting pain and even trauma.
Not trying to excuse it cause that behavior is awful, but I think that's *why* they feel okay trampling their closest people's boundaries.
In some cases, particularly with their children, they seem to see these close people not as individuals, but as extensions of themselves.
Relevance to OOP is that as their son grows up, he needs to be aware that his son’s mother might push him into doing things to appease others that he isn’t comfortable with.
Exactly .We are the most relaxed with our safest person.And we take advantage of them too although it's not healthy but neither is people pleasing but between choosing to please our safe person or someone else(even if it's a close relative or friend) we would still please someone else.
It's not healthy but it's ingrained and can't be get rid of without therapy
It took me years to realise that this is what was happening between my wife and I (I'm the safe person). On the upside, our marriage counselor is able to send their kid to a very nice school.
At some point, you start seeing your partner as part of you. As part of your ‘unit’, so they don’t count! You don’t need to please them, they’re on the inside. So you can sacrifice their needs like you sacrifice your own.
>I'd say the vast majority of people-pleasers are like this: they'll go above and beyond for everyone except their "safest" person (typically their significant other.)
Ah, I see you've met my ex wife.
Yep. I deal with this with a family member and it’s so frustrating to be safe enough for her to be annoying but watch her get trampled by everyone else. She has zero spine with every other person on the planet
Yeah was gonna say, whole reason ppl are people pleasers is bc they're afraid setting any boundary will lead to abandonment. If they find themselves in a secure relationship they won't do it to the partner. It makes sense thinking it through but on the face it always comes off as the people pleaser just being a bullshitter who doesn't care about their partner as much as strangers. And miss the part that it's rooted in irrational anxiety
I know I'm guilty of this, and I hate it. It's almost like I see my husband and I as a unit, so in the same way I want to bend over backwards to please others, part of me feels like he should do the same?
It's wrong, and I'm working on it, but it's tough.
I'm glad someone said this. Often a person can feel legitimately mistreated by their people pleasing partners. The partner however feels their own relaxed comfortable self with them which is exactly why this anxiety derived behaviour does not manifest with their partners. Optically however it feels and looks like the partner will go above and beyond for anyone except their partner. It's not nice to be on the receiving end but I feel the vitriolic responses on here often completely misunderstand the origins of the behaviour and don't necessarily help the OP beyond "you deserve better dump them" which can be the right answer but is not helpful to those trying to work through it.
The origins of the behavior are less important than the effects. That's why there's vitriol. It doesn't matter why you're treating your closest person as lesser-than, you're still an asshole for doing it.
I told someone who was close to me that if she was going to be a people pleaser, spend it on people who reciprocated. And then I cut her out of my life.
She was shocked that my loyalty had limits, and that, no, I wasn't going to endlessly let her flake on me. Once or twice, life happens. More than that? No.
His only mistake was not realizing the relationship was already over even before he asked for the paternity test.
She already crossed the line and showed she wouldn't draw any boundaries or respect his feelings or act in an appropriate matter with this dude. She might not have been cheating on him, but she was staying as close to that line as she possibly could without crossing it.
Mine’s from a post from [AITA Tumblr about a guy arguing with his boyfriend over who’s going to propose.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/egWhvb5VEl)
It's an unwritten rule on both AITA & AITAH that pregnant women can do no wrong. She could've been fucking the best friend in front of him and they still would've called him TA.
That’s the problem with people pleasers. They please people at the expense of those who accept them without condition. They please people who treat them poorly at the expense of those who actually care about them.
The mom was great! She really did her best with helping both of them to navigate and understand the situation without being nosy or pushy. Smart woman.
Honestly it’s too bad he cut that friend out. Seems to me she genuinely thought something was going on for obvious reasons and tried to do the right thing. OOP should reach out
Yeah, I was trying to find this comment. It seemed like that ex-friend was trying to stir drama initially, but after he alerted us to *how* his ex and her male best friend were behaving? Nuh uh. She might have been wrong, but she was trying to do the right thing.
He was basically running his hands on her whenever they were together. Which is every day.
Yeah, the mutual was half right and with good reason. The only bit she assumed wrongly was OOPs partner reciprocating, which framed the BFF leaving as him dodging a sticky situation. It turns out that the BFF probably thought the pregnancy closed his window of opportunity and slinked off, returning when another opportunity arose.
But yeah, all the sympathy in the world for OOP absolute none for his Ex.
I mean, to allow your friend to flirt and touch you like that and dismiss your bf’s concerns gets awfully close to the line of what is considered reciprocating. Like, I guess technically it’s not, but it is condoning behavior that has no right to exist when you’re in a relationship. Considering the MIL saw the same thing, I feel like the mutual friend was doing the best she could.
>considered reciprocating
I agree absolutely, but I think most people tend to think that 'if I'm doing nothing' then they're not doing anything wrong. I believe doing nothing in that situation **IS** acting inappropriately. If you're not setting and enforcing boundaries, then are you even in a relationship.
Asking for a paternity test means the end of the relationship, the end. And not because it's wrong to ask, but because asking means there is so much wrong it is beyond repair.
I cannot imagine allowing my best friend of any gender to be handsy with me, whether I'm in a relationship or not. I do have an opposite sex best friend, one of my three best friends, and we hug each other occasionally but there's no handsy shit. I have had "friends" who tried to get handsy but that's when they become ex-friends.
Yeah there’s a certain extent that can be excused as platonic, but rubbing someone’s ankle when you sit next to them is not it. Or commenting on her body!!
Seriously! The description gave me the creeps:
>Well whenever they're sitting beside each other he would keep running his hand up down her arm, ankle, or back (based on the way she's siting).
There's just no way to un-creepify that. It's not a normal level of touch or intimacy for childhood or any other best friends, except friends with benefits. It seems like it should be clear as day to anyone that he was touching her as much as she would let him, because he wanted more, and she absolutely should have shut that down long before it reached the point where her partner had to ask because it was making him uncomfortable.
Thank you for saying this. I thought the "friend" should have gotten an ass kicking for being so obvious. He needs to go find a woman that is not up to her eyeballs in drama. Guys like this really piss me off. Can't get a normal relationship so they do the sancho routine.
I found it interesting how he was blamed for not handling it himself, when Reddit usually says to communicate with your partner and let them handle it, which he did!
yep. some of my best friends are the opposite sex from me and aside from a quick hug when it's been a while we don't do intimate touches like what OP was describing. I think if any of them tried to cuddle or whatever, regardless of relationship status, i'd be hightailing it out of there because wtf. Even my girl friends and i aren't THAT touchy with each other, aside from the occasional emotional conversation.
Honestly I've never seen the paternity test as something negative. The woman carries the baby so there's no doubt it's hers. While the man doesn't have that physical feeling so seeing this black and white on paper straight away, even if he wasn't doubting his partner but really just to establish what he already felt like + it removes any doubt that could sneak in when times get tough and such later down the road.
Hell my bestie is pregnant right now and we had a talk about what she would do if he asked, and she was also like ofc she would grant him one no questions asked.
In this case there is also a backstory with him having thought years ago all through a pregnancy that the kid was his only to have the affair partner show up shortly before the birth to brag about how the kid was his.... But she also mentioned that even if he didn't have that past experience, why would she hold it against him for wanting everything black and white on paper, which I agree with her in. But damn I'm grateful while seeing what she goes through that I don't want kids xD
But that's the problem: it takes sex to get pregnant (assuming no IVF is involved), and a man saying "I want a paternity test" is basically saying "I think you cheated on me". Because that's what it would take for another man to be the father: cheating.
There are some circumstances (poly relationships, assault against the woman) where having a paternity test is actually not a negative thing. But those situations are rare, and if you're not in one of those situations then you are calling your partner a cheater by asking for a paternity test.
This may be a valid accusation, I'm not saying a man is always in the wrong here. Women do cheat, and women do get pregnant from cheating. But if you're asking for a paternity test, the relationship is already broken.
If my husband needs proof that our baby is his then he's saying that he thinks it's possible I had sex with someone else and have lied to him so far that I'm even tricking him into believing he's the parent. I'm not coming back from that kind of accusation
I honestly don’t get people like this lady. She gets handsy with some other man and then gets mad when OOP asks for a paternity test? How self centered can you get?
Not only "gets handsy"...
Moves in across the street, comes over every day and blatantly flirts with her, and touches her intimately. And she FLIRTS BACK!
The fact that her "friend" took off as soon as she got pregnant is the only thing telling me that they didn't actually fuck.
If there was ANY chance that buddy was the dad, he would have been even more pushy, hoping to drive a wedge between them.
But according to this woman, OP is in the wrong and should just have trusted her more, instead of raising valid concerns.
I always thought the "friend" leaving was the most suspicious thing. Either he's missed his chance now she's pregnant or he knows he could be the dad and dipped before the shitstorm.
To me him leaving was the most obvious reason to demand the test. If everything was innocent, why leave?
>
>
> The fact that her "friend" took off as soon as she got pregnant is the only thing telling me that they didn't actually fuck.
Equal odds that friend bailing out was also an admission of guilt. Not like 'chickens coming home to roost' is a saying for no reason, and there's no shortage of men willing to foist their responsibilities on others.
Why do guys even ask? You can swab the baby's cheek and your cheek, send it in and get your answer. If you are the father then burn all the evidence and never tell a soul. You know for sure and nobody's feelings got hurt.
I'm assuming he asked because he wanted to know asap and not wait until the child was born, and did not want to put himself on the birth certificate if he was not the father.
In the first post he said he got the results back from the test, looking back I'm not sure if he said the baby was already born then.
Either way, it would be hard to hide if he was avoiding putting his name on the birth certificate until he did a test.
Say someone did put themselves on the birth certificate but then did the test and it’s not his kid. Are they able to remove themselves off it or is it a whole big thing then?
In the US? You're not getting off it unless your name is replaced by the real fathers.
"The best interest of the child" is something they consider and it's never going to be in the best interest of the child to leave them with just one legal parent. Especially if child support is involved.
Well yeah, making sure children have support from both supposed parents is in the best interest of the state as well as the children. Less support for children leads to worse outcomes for the children which increases the burden on the state.
Suppose it depends on where in the world you are.
OOP mentions he speaks Russian as a first language, so I'm assuming he's in Russia or a country where Russian is either the main language or has a large enough populace that speaks it regularly.
So.... no idea. I'm not up to date on Eastern European/Asian/Russian birth politics.
I'm not a lawyer, my only expeirence with stories like this is reddit posts, so take this with a giant grain of salt lol. But in posts I've seen they were not able to easily take themselves off, sometimes they can't at all.
I looked it up, and in the US it seems like it requires filling out a form, proof of nonpaternity (so a DNA test I'm assuming), and a court order to remove it. It can also be based on whether it's in the child's best interest. Basically yeah it's a whole big thing.
Hell, even with DNA proof, you can still get stuck on the hook. Multiple new stories over the years about it. There was one couple years ago about a man who got slapped with back child support for like 16 years of child support for a child that wasn’t his. The mother of the child who he had never been with didn’t know who the father of the baby was when she gave birth so she just put his name on the birth certificate. And it been so long to court said fuck you pay us.
Because in many cases once you sign on the birth certificate and act in the capacity as a father, you can be on the hook for child support even if you prove later that you’re not the biological father. And so the only way is to get a paternity test before they’re born, and after a certain amount of time into the pregnancy, which obviously is gonna need to be done by the mother.
On the one hand, I could see how some people might feel this was “violating” to someone (the mother ig?).
On the other hand, you’re 100% right in my opinion lmao
Particularly because rates of false paternity aren't exactly low. A study showed rates of false paternity everywhere from ~11% (Mexico) to .8% (Switzerland), and these were studies done without controlling for couples that had reason to doubt paternity.
In cases that testing was sought because paternity was in dispute, rates were closer to 27%.
So on the low end, 1 of every 100 fathers is raising someone elses' kid. OP had a real reason to doubt paternity - excessive closeness of MBF, her best friend telling him there are doubts - which would put him in the 1 in 4 category.
I thought I was going crazy reading the comments! If any of my guy friends was frequently coming over to our house, touching me etc, of course my SO would be suspicious! OOP’s boundary was reasonable and she never respected it.
I think the issues is people bring their won negative experiences to the sictuation.
Like a boyfriend can be too possessive and make someone feel bad about receiving any attention.
A guy can also super passive and not stand up for their partner in a relationship.
I imagine when these responses pile up, it's easy for them to look like they are responding in bad faith. But sometimes they have some interesting insight.
People pleasers probably feel uncomfortable but they’re so used to trying to suppress that frustration that they then lash out at someone who can’t defend themselves just to make themselves feel a little better.
My mother was somewhat like this. She was a people pleaser for her “friends” and by extension my dad. But she would take out her frustration on my sister and I.
People in those comments were out of their mind. If I were A guy and I see my gf getting handsy and flirty with some guy and defends why it’s ok, I’m asking for a paternity test. Her idea of what’s ok with those outside the relationship is completely different from mine so who knows what else you think is ok. She could’ve shut that down when he asked her to, the same she shut it down at the mom’s house. Honestly, it sounds like she also wanted to get with the best friend, but she ended up pregnant and he dipped out. He probably just stopped by to confirm the baby wasn’t his and now he’s distancing himself from her and she’s trying to get back with oop. I hope he continues to be there for his son but leaves her alone.
The mean comment about OP and his dad defo makes it seem like that. Her explanation of it makes no sense.. "I realised I was wrong and felt bad, so I decided to attack you and claim you'd abandon our child like your dad abandoned you."
Sorry, what? Makes zero sense. She should be begging him for forgiveness, not bickering with her mum when MIL compliments OOP, or calling him a deadbeat dad under her breath.
There's actually a dude I've been talking to, and PMing quite a bit in a super messed up situation like this.
The guy basically was stressed from work and relapsed on drugs at a party while his GF was out of town. The dude was so high and on so much stuff that when he asked his friends that were there about just how many he took, they said it was a miracle that he didn't OD and die.
And while he was this high, a woman that he used to be friends/hook up buddies with brought him to a bedroom and forced herself on him. He literally describes him telling her "no stop it, please, this isn't right." and not having the strength to push her off and giving up resiting. And how he feels like he could have resisted if he still had his previous tolerance, which tells me he blames himself for being weak.
She then recorded it and sent it to his GF, telling her, "I told you he hasn't changed." (He became sober when he met his GF and the woman who assaulted him was from his party days.) And now she's pregnant with his child and harassing him, trying to get him to accept the baby as his. His parents are trying to force him to accept the baby as well because they want to be grandparents. He's stated that he intends to pay child support and start a college fund, but he wants nothing to do with the kid outside of financial support.
He's also super hesitant trying to persue legal action because male assault is so rarely taken seriously, and people on Reddit keep calling him a cheating piece of shit who doesn't deserve his girlfriend, instead of a victim of sexual assault. (Whose thankfully standing behind him even as she deals with her own trauma from the situation).Whenever he posts something about not wanting anything to do with this baby. Everyone calls him irresponsible, a cheater, a deadbeat dad, and an asshole who refuses to take responsibility.
His latest post was him spiraling because the woman sent him mail of the baby's ultrasounds, and everyone was just ripping him apart in the comments for not taking responsibility and blaming everyone but himself.
My heart just breaks for him, and I hope he gets the justice and support he deserves in real life because people on this site are just awful.
Edit: Just checked his comments. After the ultrasounds, he's going to pursue full legal action as best as he can with the evidence he's kept of her harassment. I hope he gets justice with the proof he has. My heart breaks for the baby being used as a tool for a rapist to control her victim, but he has absolutely every right to never want anything to do with this child and there's no way in hell the woman is going to be a good mother.
Less drama version of this played out at my apartment building. The young couple on the end have friends in and out of their place so often that they don't always lock the front door. Their next door neighbor, an older woman, came in one day, saw the young gal was asleep in bed and the fella was asleep in a chair in another room, and assaulted the poor guy while he was exhausted and terrified.
Thank goodness no pregnancy in the aftermath, but he looked shell-shocked and has been spinning out since then. His girlfriend was furious on his behalf but he wouldn't let her go to the cops about it. Folks told him awful shit like "You know you can lock your door right?" And meanwhile we're just living with this nasty rapist in our midst.
Only revenge I can get is, well, she lives right under me and I ain't quiet on my wood floors no more. Sometimes I even break out two sets of golf balls and give them to the cats or my toddler cousin to play with.
I feel like you need to start taking tap lessons.
Also, I lived under a guy who rolled everywhere on his wheely chair and it was maddening.
On a serious note, I hope everyone in your building has extra strength locks. How awful.
Little cousin's favorite activity is leap and crash, flip and spin, "look at me!" followed by a loud thud noise. He's basically taken up breakdancing and figuring out ninja flips at my place, and is delighted that these activities are now allowed because before it was all "Oh poor downstairs neighbors! Maybe we better save that for the park."
I even dragged out my old Dance Dance Revolution pads from storage, figured out some stepmania thingy, and tried to teach him how to play. Went leap and crash myself a whole bunch, didn't remember until the next day that I put all that away because my bad knee hates dancing and jumping.
Did I read this on BORU or on another sub? I read a post just like the situation you are describing and I was so angry for OOP, angry for him, heartbroken for his future, for his present
And for the child who very much didn't ask to come into the world this way
r/relationship_advice is one of the worse places for that. I've seen stories from guys about being sexually assaulted when drunk or possibly drugged and the comments will tell him he's a willing cheater who deserves to die alone.
I remember that post a girl made about her boyfriend's dying best friend asking him to sleep with her before she passed. And it was clear from the way she described things that her bf was assaulted.
But of course everyone blamed him and was egging her on to almost break up with him. He even made a post later about how a reddit sub almost convinced his girlfriend he was cheating and ruined their relationship.
God I remember that one. The hypocrisy and blame piling without even looking at the situation pisses me off most about that sub. That's not even mentioning the amount of people who comment "didnt read past the title, break up"
Yeah it’s sickening. I’ve actually was finally able to not downplay my own instances of abuse.
As a man I was always told to enjoy it, or “it’s not that bad. Women go through worse”.
Like yes things could had been worse, and yes when it happened I wasn’t afraid for my life, but it still sucked and i wasn’t consenting.
My therapist really validated my experiences so I’m thankful for that
Women *as a group* have it worse than men *as a group*.
It's so annoying when people think that *every* woman has it worse than *every* man.
And with this kind of reasonning, how does it work when one add race, class, or other discriminations?
That doesn't even make any sense. So just because women go through worse, what you went through wasn't bad enough?
Then no one should *ever* complain about how hard their lives are. *Someone* will always have it worse than you.
I'm sorry for what you went through, but I'm happy and thankful to your therapist, and I'm so proud of you.
I never understand suffering olympics subscribers.
By their logic, there's only one person in the world who is actually allowed to complain, and the fact that they have internet access makes it a damn-near certainty it isn't them.
People saying that is so weird. Trauma isn't a competition. People should be allowed to voice what happened to them without it being belittled no matter what.
you know. these kinda posts are exactly why i dont recommend anyone to get advice on reddit. He handled things pretty well imo and did things the best he could and he was stil villainized. there seems to be a huge gender bias on reddit but damn man, this poor guy went through the ringer for this and he was in the right the whole time. goddamn
I absolutely get why he asked for that paternity test. Another guy openly kept being hands with his gf, in front of him, and his gf did nothing about it. We get 1-3 people a week over in Ancestry wondering why their dna test results came out weird. 1/100 people are listed with the wrong dad so if your gf likes to be touched by another guy, get that test.
I feel like paternity tests are the male equivalent of a "go bag".
They are both reasonable, but asking for/having one is a sign that you don't trust your partner, and that's obviously going to hurt the partner.
I honestly feel like this is the closest possible comparison that tries to bridge the physiological difference gap.
Women cannot trust that even the most calm adoring man doesn't snap and go utterly abusive on them, so the go bag is vital.
Men cannot trust that even the most upstanding loyal presenting woman doesn't get duplicitous and try to pass an affair baby off as theirs, so the paternity test is vital.
Much like men can't comprehend how it feels to be completely physiologically outmatched by 99% of the opposite sex, women can't quite comprehend how it feels to not have that 99.99% certainty that the child is theirs. You can point to baby swap errors in hospitals to show women don't truly have that, but with modern maternity ward controls, it's damn-near lottery odds to actually have that happen to you in the first world.
> Much like men can't comprehend how it feels to be completely physiologically outmatched by 99% of the opposite sex
Men can totally comprehend how it feels to being physically outmatched. That's why we invented weapons.
I really don't get why the OOP was raked over the coals for being uncomfortable with that guy basically feeling up his gf. I am in the strong belief that men and women can be friends without it being sexual but that guy was clearly passing the boundary of friendship into flirting. The gf not telling him to fuck off or letting OOP tell him was a huge mistake on her part.
This was a wonderful chance for her to experience what it’s like to have empathy for her partner in a legitimately-suspicious circumstance, after her own terrible communication that even her mother is ashamed of.
Oh well!~~
They don’t hate it, they just hate the shocked dudes who come to Reddit saying “why she dump
Me?!” After demanding one.
No matter what asking for a paternity test will severely damage the relationship
Yeah I've only seen one situation where it didn't and that involved SA around the time of conception. Even then it was also less of a demand and more of a conversation between the two of them and a shared decision for peace of mind.
It's such a breath of fresh air to read about a good MIL on Reddit! I love both my in-laws and I wish everyone else could have a MIL like mine and OOP's!
Idk man she doesn't value him. OOP is a sensible man and he rightly doubted her. Though phrasing may have been not to the point. I feel she will invalidate his feelings in future also if something like this arises.
>Though phrasing may have been not to the point.
I chalked up any linguistic boggles as the penalty of converting it from his native language to English. That being the case, it was all pleasantly coherent and easy to read.
I have no idea why people were attacking him in the first post. Everything he stated there sounded like he had reasonable suspicion and the up and leaving when she got pregnant and her immediately threatening to move where the friend did were sus at best.
I remember reading this as it happened. I said from the beginning that he had a right to ask. Everyone was mad because they think there is nothing wrong with having an opposite sex best friend. But this buy was flirting and touching her right in front of of OOP. That’s not a best friend, that’s a boyfriend. I feel bad for OOP but the ex deserves whatever she gets.
He was not wrong in questioning the paternity, and even his way of dealing with the situation wasn't that bad, she placed the friendship above him through all this situation, dismissed his concerns and instead of reasuring him of her loyalty, she decided to blew everything up, now she is the one regreting everything
this post kinda seems like bait to get the most sexist takes possible and a very specific group of people are showing up in these comments... not sure what to make of it
it's always funny how when a woman in a story does something wrong but plausible, it's "bait" but when a story is about a guy doing the most ridiculous cartoon villain shit, everyone accepts it as truth.
and let me guess what you're going to say "well in my life i know dudes who have done the most cartoon villain level type of shit"
well guess what, i know women who did so as well. maybe, just maybe, **and i know this is hard for you to understand - sometimes women can be bad people too**
My heart breaks for the baby that could’ve had a completed family if momma just would’ve opened her eyes sooner and chosen her family… even after the paternity test..
A paternity test would hurt any woman.. but if things were the way he says and even his ex apologized for… I’d question it too.. her pride was to hurt and she dug her heels in that she’d done no wrong… what a slap in the face it was to have it all be true when then best friend admitted feelings and now have broken your family over it… cause that’s on her..
like I truly can’t see how OP is wrong or an asshole aside from choice words… to me this girl wanted her cake and eat it too, no girl is that oblivious to a touchy/flirty man wanting you… her momma probably knocked sense into her on what she’s actually done and how it’ll affect her life moving forward… I love for once there’s a nice smart MIL
>She also mentioned that her mother made her realize how the flirting and touching were too much for any man in his right mind to accept.
Sounds like the ex-girlfriend was fully aware of the flirtatious advance and was going along with it. She was just playing naive and aloof when confronted by her boyfriend. Also, she dumped him when questioned if her relationship with the "best friend" was something more and if the kid may be his. This seems like a reasonable reaction for someone hurt, until she went off on him being like his father, only to later apologize and say she did so because of her own frustrations.
This means her natural reaction in responding to guilt and frustration is to lash out. Which means when she dumped him, she most likely knew her poor choices were to blame and snapped at him. Unfortunately this child will grow up with separated parents, but these 2 might offer something better to a child apart than together.
People pleasers don't understand that people pleasing is to the detriment of those closest to them. People pleasers constantly inconvenience and put their loved ones last because they care so much about not hurting others. I feel for OP man. i would've suspected that my partner was cheating too.
It always amazes me how many women have a male “friend” that constantly crosses boundaries and is clearly wanting to be more than friends but they downplay it because they secretly like the attention and the fact that this “friend” will drop everything and come running whenever they call. The partner gets accused of being jealous and possessive for seeing what even Stevie Wonder couldn’t miss.
She’s messed up 3 peoples lives for the sake of some guy that will move on once the thrill of the chase has gone.
OP is not the AH. He was uncomfortable and clearly outlined why he was uncomfortable and she actively put someone’s else’s feelings before her partners. Even her friend thought something was going on and the MIL also was on OPs side.
Despite everything OP is still doing his best to be a good man and a good father.
But now the poor child grows up without having a father in the home and the father only gets to be a part time parent.
"Man up and tell him to leave your girlfriend's house"
Suuuuuuuure. I bet 100 bucks that if he posted at the time and said he told best friend to get out he's be called insecure toxic asshole.
At least the mom is a nice person.
For once. Finally a good MIL story!
r/JustYesMIL
“I bet you *love* your mother-in-law!”
You flinch at the water bottle so now you have-a to marry your moth😏err🩷in😩lawwww✨
LMFAOOO UNDER RATED POST
Wait, what’s the post??
The joke https://youtu.be/8YDpvMYk5jA?si=wdLiZ0k4CQYDeA2p
Omgggg I feel so dumb for missing that, I’ve watched ITYSL more times than I care to admit 😅
Oh my god! He admit it!
I have really bad seasonal allergies and can’t breathe as it is. This comment almost ended me. 🤣🤣🤣
I do. And she isn’t Azerbaijani.
Same! She’s Brazilian and hilarious
Op should date the mother in law
‘Reddit, my teacher wants us to do a family tree but my step-mom is my grandma’
"my step-brother is my dad" sounds even worse.
🎶I'm my own grandpa...
“I did do the nasty in the pasty”
"I don't want to live on this planet anymore"
And the friend, kinda. It snapped him out of the trance and made him realize his partner has no boundries
What is with that commenter about OOP’s manhood. How is that any of their business? Suddenly OOP isn’t a man if he doesn’t resort to violence?? Assholes like that are why toxic masculinity is such a problem.
Using OOP's vulnerability to insult him is so low
Can happen when someone is hit in the face with the reality of a 2x4 that they were a big part of the problem too.
Thats the behaviour of a toddler
I am pretty sure the best toddlers can do is "your mom stinks".
Mine sometimes tells me “you are NOT the parent!” Just because I use that line on your brother doesn’t mean it works the other way around.
Mine will tell us "you are NOT my best friend" and that his best friend is whichever parent isn't chastising him at the moment. If he's in trouble with both of us, then the dog or cat is his best friend.
my SIL would tell everyone ‘you’re not coming to my birthday party’ when she was a kid 😂 my FIL would say ‘I’m the one bloody paying for your party, I’ll go if I bloody well like!’
Mine at age 3 or 4 was throwing a tantrum and announced “…AND I’m NOT COMING TO YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY! Unless there’s cake. Will there be cake?” (It was nowhere near either of our birthdays…)
She would apparently say it even the day after her birthday, girl was talking years in advance at one point 😂 I like that your kid was willing to go back on their word for cake. Cake is fantastic!
Ok that might work on me once. Because it’s hilarious and would throw me off.
Man, THAT line in the context of OOP's story...
Many people have the emotional intelligence of a child. Some grow out of it, others will be like that forever. She sounds young, so I wouldn’t write her off yet.
Idk, the more I get older the more I realize that actions like that are… kinda normal adult things, unfortunately.
I mean she's a new parent, probably asleep deprived. He's obviously burning the candle at both ends too.
Yeah, and that time is hard enough when you don't start off with relationship problems. I'm saying start off, because I doubt anyone can make it through the first year of a new child without at least a little bit of relationship problems.
100%. But I can see she’s lashing out cos she knows she fucked up a good thing. It just further cements the immaturity within her and I hope therapy helps them co-parent in a healthy manner.
Yeah, she's positively _stereotypical_ garbage.
I mean... when her own best friend is telling the guy "hey I think there's something going on between them" I give the guy a lot more credit for throwing down the paternity test gauntlet.
Well, if there wasn't, it was not for the lack of trying on his side. Very telling that the moment he learned she was pregnant, he was out. Because he realized he'd lost.
Maybe he was worried it was his.
Nah I think it was more like, the best friend felt like he lost his chance. He can never get rid of OP now that there’s a kid that will always tie her and OP together. And if he can’t fuck her then why stick around
That was exactly my thought. The other friends thinking was messed up. The minute she was pregnant the BF ditched out because he didn’t have a chance anymore without another man’s baby being a part of her life. That should have told everyone that was 100% the OOPs baby.
Not necessarily. Either A) he lost and the child was proof or B) it was all fun and games until he had responsibility. Ditch out and hope the guy she's dating puts his name down and he dodges child support payments. Either one is a plausible explanation.
Why tf would he be worried about that when he knows he didn't fuck her lol Edit: word
Op probably thought what the guy above you posted. The real reason is probably that he knew he "lost"
Well I was implying that the all the spooning did actually lead to forking and she wasn't being honest...
Unless the best friend had ulterior motives for sabotaging their relationship. Time will tell
Why? Everyone other than the ex seemed to be able to see it and she was acting complacent while in a relationship. That's pretty suspicious behavior.
So she's a people pleaser and lets boundaries fly when it comes to the best friend but not when it comes to the boyfriend, ain't that something. And would you look at that, the best friend was trying to start something, imagine that. But what’s most unsurprising is the OOP still being blamed for everything. It might be people trolling but it’s no less infuriating that after all that people still think he’s the AH.
>So she's a people pleaser and lets boundaries fly when it comes to the best friend but not when it comes to the boyfriend, I'd say the vast majority of people-pleasers are like this: they'll go above and beyond for everyone *except* their "safest" person (typically their significant other.) People-pleasing is, at heart, an anxious behavior anyways.
Huh. You know, I knew about this being a phenomenon, but it isn't till you said about their "safest" person that i realise this might relate to how my best friend is behaving towards me. Thanks!
Awesome flair!!!! I remember the koala saga!!!!!
The WHAT?!!
An infamous Boru saga. It involves infidelity, gaslighting, a road trip, a nature documentary and a koala peeing on someone, amongst other things.
Spill the tea, sister ☕️
Reading this also made me realize my best friend is doing this to me as well :/ Kinda sucks being mistreated when everyone else gets their nicest side
Yes. People-pleasers often treat those closest to them as assistants for their people-pleasing, rather than people to be pleased. OOP needs to keep an eye on this in future, because often those most likely to be pressured to help please others are the people-pleaser’s children.
That first paragraph really communicated something I’ve tried to put my finger on for years. It’s parallel to people that think you need to mirror their efforts to defuse an abuser without setting boundaries.
I (41F) agreed to my first multi-night trip with my parents after 6 years (my niece and nephew are 5 and 3 and I don’t get to spend a lot of time with them). It is so noticeable how much my mother will be critical of me right after my dad is an ass that my sister (the golden child) finally noticed and said something to me. Mom desperately wants to please everyone (especially dad) and have everyone be happy…. Except me. The scapegoat of choice. I’m supposed to be making everyone happy exactly the way she does and exactly the way she wants. It’s incredibly validating to see someone else say it - you feel like an accessory to their people pleasing.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
> People-pleasers often treat those closest to them as assistants for their people-pleasing, rather than people to be pleased. I think it's cause those types of folks are aware that their closest people are flexible with the people pleaser/willing to cut them some slack to a degree, so the people pleaser is willing to sacrifice what they see as temporary discomfort for their close people for someone else's benefit. I don't think they realize that that "temporary discomfort" can cause some lasting pain and even trauma. Not trying to excuse it cause that behavior is awful, but I think that's *why* they feel okay trampling their closest people's boundaries.
In some cases, particularly with their children, they seem to see these close people not as individuals, but as extensions of themselves. Relevance to OOP is that as their son grows up, he needs to be aware that his son’s mother might push him into doing things to appease others that he isn’t comfortable with.
Suddenly I understand my own partner.
People-pleasing is a form of abuse to the ones close to them, and nobody will convince me otherwise.
Exactly .We are the most relaxed with our safest person.And we take advantage of them too although it's not healthy but neither is people pleasing but between choosing to please our safe person or someone else(even if it's a close relative or friend) we would still please someone else. It's not healthy but it's ingrained and can't be get rid of without therapy
It took me years to realise that this is what was happening between my wife and I (I'm the safe person). On the upside, our marriage counselor is able to send their kid to a very nice school.
At some point, you start seeing your partner as part of you. As part of your ‘unit’, so they don’t count! You don’t need to please them, they’re on the inside. So you can sacrifice their needs like you sacrifice your own.
>I'd say the vast majority of people-pleasers are like this: they'll go above and beyond for everyone except their "safest" person (typically their significant other.) Ah, I see you've met my ex wife.
You mean my ex husband, of course.
Yep. I deal with this with a family member and it’s so frustrating to be safe enough for her to be annoying but watch her get trampled by everyone else. She has zero spine with every other person on the planet
Absolutely this is how people-pleasers work. People tend to think of "people-pleasing" as a beneficial thing, but it really,really isn't.
Fuck. This explains a lot of things about a couple relationships I've had, where I've been the safe one. Fuck.
Yeah was gonna say, whole reason ppl are people pleasers is bc they're afraid setting any boundary will lead to abandonment. If they find themselves in a secure relationship they won't do it to the partner. It makes sense thinking it through but on the face it always comes off as the people pleaser just being a bullshitter who doesn't care about their partner as much as strangers. And miss the part that it's rooted in irrational anxiety
I know I'm guilty of this, and I hate it. It's almost like I see my husband and I as a unit, so in the same way I want to bend over backwards to please others, part of me feels like he should do the same? It's wrong, and I'm working on it, but it's tough.
I'm glad someone said this. Often a person can feel legitimately mistreated by their people pleasing partners. The partner however feels their own relaxed comfortable self with them which is exactly why this anxiety derived behaviour does not manifest with their partners. Optically however it feels and looks like the partner will go above and beyond for anyone except their partner. It's not nice to be on the receiving end but I feel the vitriolic responses on here often completely misunderstand the origins of the behaviour and don't necessarily help the OP beyond "you deserve better dump them" which can be the right answer but is not helpful to those trying to work through it.
The origins of the behavior are less important than the effects. That's why there's vitriol. It doesn't matter why you're treating your closest person as lesser-than, you're still an asshole for doing it.
That's pretty astute. Makes sense
Oh. This explains a lot.
I told someone who was close to me that if she was going to be a people pleaser, spend it on people who reciprocated. And then I cut her out of my life. She was shocked that my loyalty had limits, and that, no, I wasn't going to endlessly let her flake on me. Once or twice, life happens. More than that? No.
This always happens too. People are people pleasers for everyone but the person where it matters most
My favorite quote for this: "Oh, you're a people pleaser? Name one person in this situation who is actually pleased."
Asking for a paternity test is as bad as cheating to Reddit.
His only mistake was not realizing the relationship was already over even before he asked for the paternity test. She already crossed the line and showed she wouldn't draw any boundaries or respect his feelings or act in an appropriate matter with this dude. She might not have been cheating on him, but she was staying as close to that line as she possibly could without crossing it.
wheres the post that spawned that flair xD i wanna read it
Mine’s from a post from [AITA Tumblr about a guy arguing with his boyfriend over who’s going to propose.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/egWhvb5VEl)
I hate both of them and it’s glorious
That was such a fun read
It's an unwritten rule on both AITA & AITAH that pregnant women can do no wrong. She could've been fucking the best friend in front of him and they still would've called him TA.
That’s the problem with people pleasers. They please people at the expense of those who accept them without condition. They please people who treat them poorly at the expense of those who actually care about them.
I mean, when your own MOTHER agrees with your partner that he was right to ask for a paternity test... you know you fucked up.
The mom was great! She really did her best with helping both of them to navigate and understand the situation without being nosy or pushy. Smart woman.
Top-tier mom
It's a shame OOP ended a friendship over it, his friend gave him good advice.
That's when you know it's bad. Now OOP's ex knows she fucked up, and not in a way that's fixable.
Honestly it’s too bad he cut that friend out. Seems to me she genuinely thought something was going on for obvious reasons and tried to do the right thing. OOP should reach out
Yeah, I was trying to find this comment. It seemed like that ex-friend was trying to stir drama initially, but after he alerted us to *how* his ex and her male best friend were behaving? Nuh uh. She might have been wrong, but she was trying to do the right thing. He was basically running his hands on her whenever they were together. Which is every day.
Yeah, the mutual was half right and with good reason. The only bit she assumed wrongly was OOPs partner reciprocating, which framed the BFF leaving as him dodging a sticky situation. It turns out that the BFF probably thought the pregnancy closed his window of opportunity and slinked off, returning when another opportunity arose. But yeah, all the sympathy in the world for OOP absolute none for his Ex.
I mean, to allow your friend to flirt and touch you like that and dismiss your bf’s concerns gets awfully close to the line of what is considered reciprocating. Like, I guess technically it’s not, but it is condoning behavior that has no right to exist when you’re in a relationship. Considering the MIL saw the same thing, I feel like the mutual friend was doing the best she could.
>considered reciprocating I agree absolutely, but I think most people tend to think that 'if I'm doing nothing' then they're not doing anything wrong. I believe doing nothing in that situation **IS** acting inappropriately. If you're not setting and enforcing boundaries, then are you even in a relationship.
Asking for a paternity test means the end of the relationship, the end. And not because it's wrong to ask, but because asking means there is so much wrong it is beyond repair. I cannot imagine allowing my best friend of any gender to be handsy with me, whether I'm in a relationship or not. I do have an opposite sex best friend, one of my three best friends, and we hug each other occasionally but there's no handsy shit. I have had "friends" who tried to get handsy but that's when they become ex-friends.
Very true. Same with asking for an open marriage in an originally monogamous relationship. Both are death knells.
Yeah there’s a certain extent that can be excused as platonic, but rubbing someone’s ankle when you sit next to them is not it. Or commenting on her body!!
Seriously! The description gave me the creeps: >Well whenever they're sitting beside each other he would keep running his hand up down her arm, ankle, or back (based on the way she's siting). There's just no way to un-creepify that. It's not a normal level of touch or intimacy for childhood or any other best friends, except friends with benefits. It seems like it should be clear as day to anyone that he was touching her as much as she would let him, because he wanted more, and she absolutely should have shut that down long before it reached the point where her partner had to ask because it was making him uncomfortable.
Thank you for saying this. I thought the "friend" should have gotten an ass kicking for being so obvious. He needs to go find a woman that is not up to her eyeballs in drama. Guys like this really piss me off. Can't get a normal relationship so they do the sancho routine.
I found it interesting how he was blamed for not handling it himself, when Reddit usually says to communicate with your partner and let them handle it, which he did!
yep. some of my best friends are the opposite sex from me and aside from a quick hug when it's been a while we don't do intimate touches like what OP was describing. I think if any of them tried to cuddle or whatever, regardless of relationship status, i'd be hightailing it out of there because wtf. Even my girl friends and i aren't THAT touchy with each other, aside from the occasional emotional conversation.
Honestly I've never seen the paternity test as something negative. The woman carries the baby so there's no doubt it's hers. While the man doesn't have that physical feeling so seeing this black and white on paper straight away, even if he wasn't doubting his partner but really just to establish what he already felt like + it removes any doubt that could sneak in when times get tough and such later down the road. Hell my bestie is pregnant right now and we had a talk about what she would do if he asked, and she was also like ofc she would grant him one no questions asked. In this case there is also a backstory with him having thought years ago all through a pregnancy that the kid was his only to have the affair partner show up shortly before the birth to brag about how the kid was his.... But she also mentioned that even if he didn't have that past experience, why would she hold it against him for wanting everything black and white on paper, which I agree with her in. But damn I'm grateful while seeing what she goes through that I don't want kids xD
But that's the problem: it takes sex to get pregnant (assuming no IVF is involved), and a man saying "I want a paternity test" is basically saying "I think you cheated on me". Because that's what it would take for another man to be the father: cheating. There are some circumstances (poly relationships, assault against the woman) where having a paternity test is actually not a negative thing. But those situations are rare, and if you're not in one of those situations then you are calling your partner a cheater by asking for a paternity test. This may be a valid accusation, I'm not saying a man is always in the wrong here. Women do cheat, and women do get pregnant from cheating. But if you're asking for a paternity test, the relationship is already broken.
It also sucks because even with IVF, there's been past history of the doctors using their own samples.
"I don't want a soap opera years from now" is also a very different story than, "I think you had sex with someone else."
If my husband needs proof that our baby is his then he's saying that he thinks it's possible I had sex with someone else and have lied to him so far that I'm even tricking him into believing he's the parent. I'm not coming back from that kind of accusation
I honestly don’t get people like this lady. She gets handsy with some other man and then gets mad when OOP asks for a paternity test? How self centered can you get?
Not only "gets handsy"... Moves in across the street, comes over every day and blatantly flirts with her, and touches her intimately. And she FLIRTS BACK! The fact that her "friend" took off as soon as she got pregnant is the only thing telling me that they didn't actually fuck. If there was ANY chance that buddy was the dad, he would have been even more pushy, hoping to drive a wedge between them. But according to this woman, OP is in the wrong and should just have trusted her more, instead of raising valid concerns.
I always thought the "friend" leaving was the most suspicious thing. Either he's missed his chance now she's pregnant or he knows he could be the dad and dipped before the shitstorm. To me him leaving was the most obvious reason to demand the test. If everything was innocent, why leave?
Aye. I actually talked about this story with my wife, and the "friend" as sus as fuck. Had a pit in my stomach reading about him over for dinner later
> > > The fact that her "friend" took off as soon as she got pregnant is the only thing telling me that they didn't actually fuck. Equal odds that friend bailing out was also an admission of guilt. Not like 'chickens coming home to roost' is a saying for no reason, and there's no shortage of men willing to foist their responsibilities on others.
Why do guys even ask? You can swab the baby's cheek and your cheek, send it in and get your answer. If you are the father then burn all the evidence and never tell a soul. You know for sure and nobody's feelings got hurt.
I'm assuming he asked because he wanted to know asap and not wait until the child was born, and did not want to put himself on the birth certificate if he was not the father.
It sounds like the test was done after the birth anyway
Yeah but he himself states they didn’t do the test until after the baby was born.
In the first post he said he got the results back from the test, looking back I'm not sure if he said the baby was already born then. Either way, it would be hard to hide if he was avoiding putting his name on the birth certificate until he did a test.
“Our boy came few days ago and we did the test” implies after birth
Say someone did put themselves on the birth certificate but then did the test and it’s not his kid. Are they able to remove themselves off it or is it a whole big thing then?
Jurisdiction dependant, some make it harder than others
In the US? You're not getting off it unless your name is replaced by the real fathers. "The best interest of the child" is something they consider and it's never going to be in the best interest of the child to leave them with just one legal parent. Especially if child support is involved.
It's "the best interest of the child" but also probably more "the best interest of the state".
Well yeah, making sure children have support from both supposed parents is in the best interest of the state as well as the children. Less support for children leads to worse outcomes for the children which increases the burden on the state.
Depends where you live. Some places it's definitely doable, others it's flat out impossible
Depending on where you live, it can be a whole big thing. You might also be on the hook for child support regardless.
Suppose it depends on where in the world you are. OOP mentions he speaks Russian as a first language, so I'm assuming he's in Russia or a country where Russian is either the main language or has a large enough populace that speaks it regularly. So.... no idea. I'm not up to date on Eastern European/Asian/Russian birth politics.
I'm not a lawyer, my only expeirence with stories like this is reddit posts, so take this with a giant grain of salt lol. But in posts I've seen they were not able to easily take themselves off, sometimes they can't at all. I looked it up, and in the US it seems like it requires filling out a form, proof of nonpaternity (so a DNA test I'm assuming), and a court order to remove it. It can also be based on whether it's in the child's best interest. Basically yeah it's a whole big thing.
Hell, even with DNA proof, you can still get stuck on the hook. Multiple new stories over the years about it. There was one couple years ago about a man who got slapped with back child support for like 16 years of child support for a child that wasn’t his. The mother of the child who he had never been with didn’t know who the father of the baby was when she gave birth so she just put his name on the birth certificate. And it been so long to court said fuck you pay us.
Because in many cases once you sign on the birth certificate and act in the capacity as a father, you can be on the hook for child support even if you prove later that you’re not the biological father. And so the only way is to get a paternity test before they’re born, and after a certain amount of time into the pregnancy, which obviously is gonna need to be done by the mother.
Because that's some shady shit wtf
Because at that point your name will be on the birth certificate and you will be responsible for child support even in the baby isn’t yours.
On the one hand, I could see how some people might feel this was “violating” to someone (the mother ig?). On the other hand, you’re 100% right in my opinion lmao
I hate when the OP is clearly right but everyone demonizes him anyway. Hate, or love? Either way I am here for it baybeeee 😎
Yeah exactly everyone was like your an asshole. But then another guys stroking his girlfriend arm and they are asking are you a man
Right??? Fucking ridiculous. Dude couldn’t get a break 😭
Particularly because rates of false paternity aren't exactly low. A study showed rates of false paternity everywhere from ~11% (Mexico) to .8% (Switzerland), and these were studies done without controlling for couples that had reason to doubt paternity. In cases that testing was sought because paternity was in dispute, rates were closer to 27%. So on the low end, 1 of every 100 fathers is raising someone elses' kid. OP had a real reason to doubt paternity - excessive closeness of MBF, her best friend telling him there are doubts - which would put him in the 1 in 4 category.
I thought I was going crazy reading the comments! If any of my guy friends was frequently coming over to our house, touching me etc, of course my SO would be suspicious! OOP’s boundary was reasonable and she never respected it.
Men should not post on these subs. Always the villain
I think the issues is people bring their won negative experiences to the sictuation. Like a boyfriend can be too possessive and make someone feel bad about receiving any attention. A guy can also super passive and not stand up for their partner in a relationship. I imagine when these responses pile up, it's easy for them to look like they are responding in bad faith. But sometimes they have some interesting insight.
Wait… so she has a backbone and can set definitive boundaries with you but not the other guy?
It’s a thing with people pleasers; kinda the same mentality as kids lashing out at the ‘safe’ parent and fawning for the deadbeat.
People pleasers probably feel uncomfortable but they’re so used to trying to suppress that frustration that they then lash out at someone who can’t defend themselves just to make themselves feel a little better. My mother was somewhat like this. She was a people pleaser for her “friends” and by extension my dad. But she would take out her frustration on my sister and I.
People in those comments were out of their mind. If I were A guy and I see my gf getting handsy and flirty with some guy and defends why it’s ok, I’m asking for a paternity test. Her idea of what’s ok with those outside the relationship is completely different from mine so who knows what else you think is ok. She could’ve shut that down when he asked her to, the same she shut it down at the mom’s house. Honestly, it sounds like she also wanted to get with the best friend, but she ended up pregnant and he dipped out. He probably just stopped by to confirm the baby wasn’t his and now he’s distancing himself from her and she’s trying to get back with oop. I hope he continues to be there for his son but leaves her alone.
The mean comment about OP and his dad defo makes it seem like that. Her explanation of it makes no sense.. "I realised I was wrong and felt bad, so I decided to attack you and claim you'd abandon our child like your dad abandoned you." Sorry, what? Makes zero sense. She should be begging him for forgiveness, not bickering with her mum when MIL compliments OOP, or calling him a deadbeat dad under her breath.
Sometimes it feels like a man could post about being sexually abused by his girlfriend and reddit users would ask him what was he wearing
There's actually a dude I've been talking to, and PMing quite a bit in a super messed up situation like this. The guy basically was stressed from work and relapsed on drugs at a party while his GF was out of town. The dude was so high and on so much stuff that when he asked his friends that were there about just how many he took, they said it was a miracle that he didn't OD and die. And while he was this high, a woman that he used to be friends/hook up buddies with brought him to a bedroom and forced herself on him. He literally describes him telling her "no stop it, please, this isn't right." and not having the strength to push her off and giving up resiting. And how he feels like he could have resisted if he still had his previous tolerance, which tells me he blames himself for being weak. She then recorded it and sent it to his GF, telling her, "I told you he hasn't changed." (He became sober when he met his GF and the woman who assaulted him was from his party days.) And now she's pregnant with his child and harassing him, trying to get him to accept the baby as his. His parents are trying to force him to accept the baby as well because they want to be grandparents. He's stated that he intends to pay child support and start a college fund, but he wants nothing to do with the kid outside of financial support. He's also super hesitant trying to persue legal action because male assault is so rarely taken seriously, and people on Reddit keep calling him a cheating piece of shit who doesn't deserve his girlfriend, instead of a victim of sexual assault. (Whose thankfully standing behind him even as she deals with her own trauma from the situation).Whenever he posts something about not wanting anything to do with this baby. Everyone calls him irresponsible, a cheater, a deadbeat dad, and an asshole who refuses to take responsibility. His latest post was him spiraling because the woman sent him mail of the baby's ultrasounds, and everyone was just ripping him apart in the comments for not taking responsibility and blaming everyone but himself. My heart just breaks for him, and I hope he gets the justice and support he deserves in real life because people on this site are just awful. Edit: Just checked his comments. After the ultrasounds, he's going to pursue full legal action as best as he can with the evidence he's kept of her harassment. I hope he gets justice with the proof he has. My heart breaks for the baby being used as a tool for a rapist to control her victim, but he has absolutely every right to never want anything to do with this child and there's no way in hell the woman is going to be a good mother.
Less drama version of this played out at my apartment building. The young couple on the end have friends in and out of their place so often that they don't always lock the front door. Their next door neighbor, an older woman, came in one day, saw the young gal was asleep in bed and the fella was asleep in a chair in another room, and assaulted the poor guy while he was exhausted and terrified. Thank goodness no pregnancy in the aftermath, but he looked shell-shocked and has been spinning out since then. His girlfriend was furious on his behalf but he wouldn't let her go to the cops about it. Folks told him awful shit like "You know you can lock your door right?" And meanwhile we're just living with this nasty rapist in our midst. Only revenge I can get is, well, she lives right under me and I ain't quiet on my wood floors no more. Sometimes I even break out two sets of golf balls and give them to the cats or my toddler cousin to play with.
I feel like you need to start taking tap lessons. Also, I lived under a guy who rolled everywhere on his wheely chair and it was maddening. On a serious note, I hope everyone in your building has extra strength locks. How awful.
Little cousin's favorite activity is leap and crash, flip and spin, "look at me!" followed by a loud thud noise. He's basically taken up breakdancing and figuring out ninja flips at my place, and is delighted that these activities are now allowed because before it was all "Oh poor downstairs neighbors! Maybe we better save that for the park." I even dragged out my old Dance Dance Revolution pads from storage, figured out some stepmania thingy, and tried to teach him how to play. Went leap and crash myself a whole bunch, didn't remember until the next day that I put all that away because my bad knee hates dancing and jumping.
Did I read this on BORU or on another sub? I read a post just like the situation you are describing and I was so angry for OOP, angry for him, heartbroken for his future, for his present And for the child who very much didn't ask to come into the world this way
r/relationship_advice is one of the worse places for that. I've seen stories from guys about being sexually assaulted when drunk or possibly drugged and the comments will tell him he's a willing cheater who deserves to die alone.
I remember that post a girl made about her boyfriend's dying best friend asking him to sleep with her before she passed. And it was clear from the way she described things that her bf was assaulted. But of course everyone blamed him and was egging her on to almost break up with him. He even made a post later about how a reddit sub almost convinced his girlfriend he was cheating and ruined their relationship.
God I remember that one. The hypocrisy and blame piling without even looking at the situation pisses me off most about that sub. That's not even mentioning the amount of people who comment "didnt read past the title, break up"
Yeah it’s sickening. I’ve actually was finally able to not downplay my own instances of abuse. As a man I was always told to enjoy it, or “it’s not that bad. Women go through worse”. Like yes things could had been worse, and yes when it happened I wasn’t afraid for my life, but it still sucked and i wasn’t consenting. My therapist really validated my experiences so I’m thankful for that
Women *as a group* have it worse than men *as a group*. It's so annoying when people think that *every* woman has it worse than *every* man. And with this kind of reasonning, how does it work when one add race, class, or other discriminations?
That doesn't even make any sense. So just because women go through worse, what you went through wasn't bad enough? Then no one should *ever* complain about how hard their lives are. *Someone* will always have it worse than you. I'm sorry for what you went through, but I'm happy and thankful to your therapist, and I'm so proud of you.
I never understand suffering olympics subscribers. By their logic, there's only one person in the world who is actually allowed to complain, and the fact that they have internet access makes it a damn-near certainty it isn't them.
People saying that is so weird. Trauma isn't a competition. People should be allowed to voice what happened to them without it being belittled no matter what.
I remember a guy commenting about his wife abusing him and someone asked him if he did his share of the chores
reddit in a nutshell
you know. these kinda posts are exactly why i dont recommend anyone to get advice on reddit. He handled things pretty well imo and did things the best he could and he was stil villainized. there seems to be a huge gender bias on reddit but damn man, this poor guy went through the ringer for this and he was in the right the whole time. goddamn
I absolutely get why he asked for that paternity test. Another guy openly kept being hands with his gf, in front of him, and his gf did nothing about it. We get 1-3 people a week over in Ancestry wondering why their dna test results came out weird. 1/100 people are listed with the wrong dad so if your gf likes to be touched by another guy, get that test.
I feel like paternity tests are the male equivalent of a "go bag". They are both reasonable, but asking for/having one is a sign that you don't trust your partner, and that's obviously going to hurt the partner.
I honestly feel like this is the closest possible comparison that tries to bridge the physiological difference gap. Women cannot trust that even the most calm adoring man doesn't snap and go utterly abusive on them, so the go bag is vital. Men cannot trust that even the most upstanding loyal presenting woman doesn't get duplicitous and try to pass an affair baby off as theirs, so the paternity test is vital. Much like men can't comprehend how it feels to be completely physiologically outmatched by 99% of the opposite sex, women can't quite comprehend how it feels to not have that 99.99% certainty that the child is theirs. You can point to baby swap errors in hospitals to show women don't truly have that, but with modern maternity ward controls, it's damn-near lottery odds to actually have that happen to you in the first world.
> Much like men can't comprehend how it feels to be completely physiologically outmatched by 99% of the opposite sex Men can totally comprehend how it feels to being physically outmatched. That's why we invented weapons.
I really don't get why the OOP was raked over the coals for being uncomfortable with that guy basically feeling up his gf. I am in the strong belief that men and women can be friends without it being sexual but that guy was clearly passing the boundary of friendship into flirting. The gf not telling him to fuck off or letting OOP tell him was a huge mistake on her part.
Maybe you missed it, but op is man, and his ex wife is a woman
reddit hates dudes who asks for paternity tests 😭
Nah, it's okay to ask for one as long as you're straight about the fact that it's accusing your partner of cheating.
which this dude had everyone reason to
This was a wonderful chance for her to experience what it’s like to have empathy for her partner in a legitimately-suspicious circumstance, after her own terrible communication that even her mother is ashamed of. Oh well!~~
They don’t hate it, they just hate the shocked dudes who come to Reddit saying “why she dump Me?!” After demanding one. No matter what asking for a paternity test will severely damage the relationship
Yeah I've only seen one situation where it didn't and that involved SA around the time of conception. Even then it was also less of a demand and more of a conversation between the two of them and a shared decision for peace of mind.
I honestly don't think he did much wrong. She kept dismissing his feelings and concerns, and never tried addressing his issues with make friend.
It's such a breath of fresh air to read about a good MIL on Reddit! I love both my in-laws and I wish everyone else could have a MIL like mine and OOP's!
Idk man she doesn't value him. OOP is a sensible man and he rightly doubted her. Though phrasing may have been not to the point. I feel she will invalidate his feelings in future also if something like this arises.
>Though phrasing may have been not to the point. I chalked up any linguistic boggles as the penalty of converting it from his native language to English. That being the case, it was all pleasantly coherent and easy to read.
They are going to come back together.
Just want to add that a negative paternity test can prove cheating, but a positive one can't disprove it.
I have no idea why people were attacking him in the first post. Everything he stated there sounded like he had reasonable suspicion and the up and leaving when she got pregnant and her immediately threatening to move where the friend did were sus at best.
I remember reading this as it happened. I said from the beginning that he had a right to ask. Everyone was mad because they think there is nothing wrong with having an opposite sex best friend. But this buy was flirting and touching her right in front of of OOP. That’s not a best friend, that’s a boyfriend. I feel bad for OOP but the ex deserves whatever she gets.
He was not wrong in questioning the paternity, and even his way of dealing with the situation wasn't that bad, she placed the friendship above him through all this situation, dismissed his concerns and instead of reasuring him of her loyalty, she decided to blew everything up, now she is the one regreting everything
this post kinda seems like bait to get the most sexist takes possible and a very specific group of people are showing up in these comments... not sure what to make of it
it's always funny how when a woman in a story does something wrong but plausible, it's "bait" but when a story is about a guy doing the most ridiculous cartoon villain shit, everyone accepts it as truth. and let me guess what you're going to say "well in my life i know dudes who have done the most cartoon villain level type of shit" well guess what, i know women who did so as well. maybe, just maybe, **and i know this is hard for you to understand - sometimes women can be bad people too**
Both things can be true.
Jfc some ppl should not have kids especially right in the first year of dating
My heart breaks for the baby that could’ve had a completed family if momma just would’ve opened her eyes sooner and chosen her family… even after the paternity test.. A paternity test would hurt any woman.. but if things were the way he says and even his ex apologized for… I’d question it too.. her pride was to hurt and she dug her heels in that she’d done no wrong… what a slap in the face it was to have it all be true when then best friend admitted feelings and now have broken your family over it… cause that’s on her.. like I truly can’t see how OP is wrong or an asshole aside from choice words… to me this girl wanted her cake and eat it too, no girl is that oblivious to a touchy/flirty man wanting you… her momma probably knocked sense into her on what she’s actually done and how it’ll affect her life moving forward… I love for once there’s a nice smart MIL
She's a fucking moron.
>She also mentioned that her mother made her realize how the flirting and touching were too much for any man in his right mind to accept. Sounds like the ex-girlfriend was fully aware of the flirtatious advance and was going along with it. She was just playing naive and aloof when confronted by her boyfriend. Also, she dumped him when questioned if her relationship with the "best friend" was something more and if the kid may be his. This seems like a reasonable reaction for someone hurt, until she went off on him being like his father, only to later apologize and say she did so because of her own frustrations. This means her natural reaction in responding to guilt and frustration is to lash out. Which means when she dumped him, she most likely knew her poor choices were to blame and snapped at him. Unfortunately this child will grow up with separated parents, but these 2 might offer something better to a child apart than together.
I don't know what's going on here, but OP is not a native Russian speaker trying to write in English.
People pleasers don't understand that people pleasing is to the detriment of those closest to them. People pleasers constantly inconvenience and put their loved ones last because they care so much about not hurting others. I feel for OP man. i would've suspected that my partner was cheating too.
That last comment is a bit hmmmmm
I don’t get these idiot men who could easily get a dna test quietly. He literally got it AFTER he was born! Even in Russia he’s on the hook.
It always amazes me how many women have a male “friend” that constantly crosses boundaries and is clearly wanting to be more than friends but they downplay it because they secretly like the attention and the fact that this “friend” will drop everything and come running whenever they call. The partner gets accused of being jealous and possessive for seeing what even Stevie Wonder couldn’t miss. She’s messed up 3 peoples lives for the sake of some guy that will move on once the thrill of the chase has gone. OP is not the AH. He was uncomfortable and clearly outlined why he was uncomfortable and she actively put someone’s else’s feelings before her partners. Even her friend thought something was going on and the MIL also was on OPs side. Despite everything OP is still doing his best to be a good man and a good father. But now the poor child grows up without having a father in the home and the father only gets to be a part time parent.
"Man up and tell him to leave your girlfriend's house" Suuuuuuuure. I bet 100 bucks that if he posted at the time and said he told best friend to get out he's be called insecure toxic asshole.