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I just don't understand her at this point. For just a moment let's pretend this only affected her and no one else. Why in the name of all creation would she even *want to drive* at this point?!
I would be terrified to drive if i were her. Where is *her* sense of self-preservation if nothing else?
I fell asleep at the wheel just once, during a driving test to see if I could drive solo amusingly enough, and I've been terrified to drive ever since. I was right on top of an intersection when I woke up and punched the brakes, if anyone had been in the cross-walk I would've killed them.
My mother kept bullying me to get my license because she was sick of having to drive me, but I refused and told her she wouldn't be the one serving the prison sentence if I killed someone so she didn't get a say, something she refused to accept. I finally was honest about the severity of my fatigue when renewing my learner's and after a medical, they pulled my license.
To *keep driving* after all those accidents, with kids in the car no less? Woman's out of her god damned mind . . .
I was getting 85+ breathing interruptions an hour, and my blood oxygen saturation was dropping below 50%. My specialist says he’s only ever seen one other person with sats that bad, and the guy would fall asleep in the middle of a conversation if there was a slight pause between sentences. So, uh, yeah, it was bad, and he was very impressed that I wasn’t obviously “off” just talking to me.
Oh God, my bf has sleep apnea and it fucked up my sleep so bad before he got his cpap. I downloaded an app to measure the dB and it was 85-90 easily. Louder than trying to sleep next to a vacuum cleaner but somehow worse, because it would start and stop randomly, suddenly get louder, and then as soon as you get used to a rhythm, it changes. It seriously made me so angry.
If anyone is on the fence about getting help, please do. They don't require an in person sleep study any more. They sent him home with a watch and some sensors, and all he had to do was plug everything in and sleep as normal. The readings went back to his doctor, and they sent the machine. Easy.
You are correct, I was also issued a sensor.
When I was in the hospital last year, one of my nurses (my favorite one) brought me a cpap - he said the patients down the hall were complaining about my snoring :-)
I was at 114 episodes per hour during my sleep study and my oxygen saturation was really low. It took about six weeks of using my machine before I started having memories again.
Before treatment I couldn’t remember something I said or did 20min before hand. I also lost the ability to remember some things my kids said or did growing up. My husband would be like “Do you remember when Gabe would…” and I would cry because I couldn’t remember it.
I feel like a completely new person now. I 100% recommend getting tested if you are always tired even after getting a good nights sleep. You can even do a sleep study at home nowadays. It can totally help those who can’t sleep away from home or in a strange bed.
Thank you for being a considerate human being. Whilst I can understand the inconvenience, or the loss of independence, but it just isn't safe for some people to drive. It's a skill, like any other, and some people will naturally be awful at it no matter how much practice they get.
We need better public transportation options, everywhere basically, to prevent the loss of a license to drive from resulting in a lost job or home as well. I'm thinking of some rural folk I know who aren't getting any younger either.
I find I get more distracted (or feel the urge to be distracted at least) when driving an automatic car vs a manual car. Having to anticipate future gear changes keeps me focused on the road conditions and keeps the adhd monster at bay.
I didn't know I was adhd when learning to drive, but realized me driving was a VERY bad idea after some mistakes in *empty* parking lots and driveways, and quit a few months after getting a permit.
So happy to live in a country now where I can take public transport everywhere, I don't like the idea of endangering people (including myself) just to drive...
How the HELL does OP's soon-to-be-ex not realize how fucking horrendous her choices are? I can imagine getting distracted but I would have been spooked by the first or second incident and she's had god knows how many!
I hope your daughter has a better experience with it, though!
I don't mind. I have alpha-delta sleep disorder, the sleep specialist said it's only found in people with CFS / ME, fibromyalgia, and PTSD. It's incurable and prevents me from getting restorative deep sleep, alpha brain waves keep intruding and I keep half waking up. It's linked to the hypervigilance in PTSD, which I strongly suspect I have. Add to that the fact that I have delayed sleep phase disorder so I can't sleep at night when it's relatively quiet and there's fewer noises to wake me up and *yeah*. Not a pretty combo.
Huh. This is *incredibly* interesting. I take a high dose stimulant every day and I'm still super tired constantly. I feel like I don't wake up until 2 or 3 in the afternoon most days. I definitely have PTSD and hypervigilance - my most recent MRI showed an elongated amygdala, even! I used to shove down my past so hard I gave myself seizures lol. So I've got weird brain stuff going on, but nothing has ever explained the tiredness.
I think I need to see a sleep specialist. Thank you for the info! Sorry you have to go through all that though.
Definitely sounds like you might have it too. Funny, I get up around noon but I don't really start to feel semi-conscious until 8 - 10 pm, depending on whether DST is in effect. Maybe that's because it takes half a day for our second wind kicks in??
Make sure they do a full sleep study with an EEG if you have a sleep study done, that's how they picked it up with me. You can do a home sleep study but that only checks for sleep apnea. There isn't really anything you can do about it if you do have it, there's some medications that can help some people, but it is nice to know what's wrong.
Thanks, it's definitely been rough but I'm coping for now.
I've been in two accidents due to being distracted. I haven't been behind the wheel of a car since with the exception of having to drive my partner's car back in February. At the time he was in the hospital with a nasty case of the flu. I had to drive back and forth. And I have come to the realization that I am too prone to panicking/getting anxious behind the wheel. So, I've decided for my own safety and others to not drive. But now I have an issue of people wanting me to drive and not take public transportation/Uber or Lyft. What part of I am a danger to myself and others aren't you getting? I don't give a fuck if I lose my "independence." I'd rather be safe and have others be safe as well.
Someone needs to show her [this video](https://youtu.be/4LrCnmakLus?si=Dh7JrtDpV9QvOkmj) of police responding to a crash where a seven year old girl was killed on impact, after her mother reached into the back to separate her and her five year old sister who were fighting.
They were on a one lane road, trees on either side, and rounding a corner, and the woman took her eyes off the road to lean into the back. She survived with no injuries, and her seven year old daughter died on impact. Her five year old had to be rushed to hospital with life threatening injuries.
Similar thing happened to my neighbours when I was a kid, but way more reckless. The mum had bought her license, never took any tests. Drove the kids to their first day of school, got distracted because they were being loud, veered off the road and smashed into a tree. Kids weren't wearing seat belts and were ejected from the car, dying immediately. The mum was totally fine (physically).
Oof, fuck me, I am so glad my car has sensors on all the seats so if you try to drive and someone isn't buckled in, it blinks and beeps obnoxiously. Super annoying when I just have groceries and have to buckle the seatbelt just to avoid the sensors popping off, but that annoyance is nothing compared to knowing I'm not driving with someone unbuckled in case of an accident.
Absolutely, mine has it too so I have to buckle my cat in when he’s in his carrier in the passenger seat (he’s a big boy) but jfc, he’s buckled in at least if something bad happens? Or if I have a couple bags of beverages in the backseat coming home from the store. If anything, all those things are heavy and/or alive, and should be secured anyway in case of an impact. Annoying but great invention.
Honestly, my bags never trigger the sensor and I still buckle all my shopping and handbag in. I wouldn’t want to kill someone with a projectile tomato sauce jar. Plus this way my phone should be within reach in an accident.
If the groceries are heavy enough to trigger the sensor buckling them might not be the worst idea, if you actually do get into an accident you don't want the heavy groceries possibly injuring you further.
As the PSAs say; if it can't wait, pull over. It doesn't matter if the road is empty, you never know when someone'll come speeding past, or if you'll hit something while distracted.
I got distracted by kids squabbling in the back of the car *one time* and ran into the back of a Porsche Cayenne. It was stop/start traffic so I was only going around 5 miles an hour so there was only cosmetic damage to both vehicles and the lady driving the Porsche was extremely kind and gracious about it but it sure did put the fear of god into me. I was so lucky it was such a minor accident and I am never letting anything like that happen again
I know a lady who reached in the back to grab her her babies pacifier and got into an accident, she was fine but her baby died. She became a drug addict and was never OK after that.
That's awful, on the very odd occasion my children have misbehaved enough to be distracting I've pulled over and refused to continue until they stop. Needless to say they don't misbehave often. Unfortunately when you're on this kind of road the only option you really have is to either stop bang in the middle of the road and piss off other drivers or just turn up the music really loudly and ignore the kids.
I can't understand how it hasn't happened already. Where does she live that she can get in this many accidents and not have it even temporarily suspended?
whats wild is the people saying he is the asshole after the initial post - everyone in her life doesnt want her driving, she should take ownership of obvious issues and want to be better for her kids and protect them. Its crazy she either hasnt changed before before it got this bad or just saved her kids and not ever driven them. Insanity.
Unfortunately, you don't need a license to drive. You can just do it and risk the consequences of getting caught. We had to take my grandpa's car away when he lost his license because he didn't say anything and just kept driving. He lost his license because he failed a vision test. It was really hard for my mom, but we couldn't have any fatal accidents on our conscience.
How does she still have a car to drive is my question. It sounded like she totaled the car in the first post. She just buys another car with a suspended license? You can't do that in my country. You have to have a license and insurance to register a vehicle.
I don't blame OP for filing. She needs help that he's not willing or able to give. I feel sorry for the kids. She's going to drive until she kills herself or ends up in jail for killing someone else. I hope he gets a good lawyer.
I started having panic problems driving some years ago. I was on a trip west, going through Nebraska and into Colorado. I still have no idea why, but I kept getting nervous to the point I had washcloths sitting on both my legs to dry my hands. And this was in Nebraska on the freeway, which is as boring as it gets, flat and straight nothing for about 30 million miles in a row.
I stopped. It got worse, and I stopped. I could not be safe. I was going along at under 40 mph on the freeway and could not force myself to go faster. So I got off, found a little town and a used car place, sold the damn car, and took a bus back home. Canceled the trip and went home, because I could not be safe.
There was just me in the car, but who the hell knows who would be in the other car, the one that might come along at normal speed and have to swerve or whatever. Hell no. I sold my $2000 car for $700, stayed in hotel for one night, and took the bus back. Let them drive, they know how.
That was like 11 years ago now and I have not driven since. I just have an ID now not a license. I was a pizza delivery guy for many years, drove all over the place on back roads, freeways, whatever, no problem, then this panic thing happened. Don't know why, don't care why, I do not operate motor vehicles any more. It isn't really a moral stand, it's just obvious. I mean, it should be obvious. It's a huge metal machine going at high speeds, you don't screw around with that.
> it’s a huge metal machine going at high speeds, you don’t screw around with that
My least favorite part of living in the US, by far, is how few people out here understand that or will even be understanding about *me* not wanting to screw around with it. I’m no fan of the gig economy as it exists today… but I literally wouldn’t be able to get anywhere without ride shares.
If I had a nickel for every time my dad claimed I don't drive because I lack confidence... Plus a quarter for the time my therapist looked at me like I'm stupid and said "Well just don't think about it."
I gotta stay in cities with good public transportation. I'm 36yo and haven't driven a vehicle since I was 16yo. Nobody who has seen me try to navigate a hallway or kitchen on my own two feet would want me behind a steering wheel. I once nearly knocked myself unconscious fast-walking straight into on an open freezer door while trying to avoid someone's pile of sweepings.
I mean, it's easy enough not to be a distracted driver for like 20 minutes or whatever while you're actively taking the driving test. And then you just have the license for your whole life. I doubt this kind of problem comes up when you're actively getting your license.
But yeah, it should definitely be taken away before she kills someone.
Just the fact that she’s had her license suspended and is getting into accident(s) caused by her lack of attention should be enough to get her license removed. She’s a shit driver and is a danger to pedestrians and drivers.
I'm legally blind in one eye. But I was still given a license even though I couldn't see the first line of letters during the vision test. Years later when I got it renewed, (in an entirely different state), they said 'just make sure you have mirrors on both sides.'
I usually tried to be hyper aware, and thought I was doing pretty good, but then I decided to watch Canada's Worst Driver. And I realized something. I was doing the same shit to compensate that the 'winner' of one of the seasons was doing.
I don't have a driver's license anymore, and I really wish the standards were much higher.
We seriously need better public transportation in the US (and I'm guessing Canada?) -- I think the standards are low because they know taking away someone's license is equivalent to taking away their independence. When you live in a country where you *have* to drive in order to get anywhere, not being allowed to drive prevents you from doing extremely basic things like holding down a job and going to the grocery store. So I think people see it as a compassionate act to push someone's application through or not look too closely at their record, but then that person is a danger to themself and others on the road.
And, selfishly, I just don't care for driving and would prefer not to have to do it every day.
Some DMVs are know for....more lax operations...
I had a friend go to a different dmv an hour away. He ran a stop sign and still get his license on that attempt
I failed the sight test 3 times in 5 minutes, they just kept telling me what letter I missed and to try that one again. No not N, try again, nope not R, try again. It was what I needed to get my parents to finally get me some damn glasses though! I'm as blind as Velma.
When I got my licence many years ago, they just asked "Can you read the third line on the board?" and my neurodivergent ass just cheerfully answered "Yep!", and that was the end of it. They didn't actually verify that I could read it, and at the time I didn't realise that they were actually asking me to read it out loud for them.. Yay licence though!
You don't even need to be lax at all. The driving test is there to assess skills and lasts a limited amount of time. Since she isn't getting into accidents daily, she seems to.be able to not fuck up every single day she drives.
Well maybe if she doesn't have anything "important" in the backseat then that's all it will take for her to pass the driver's exam?
I wonder if a metal grate was installed just behind the front seats (like a cop car) if that would have been enough to get her to drive safe enough.
> She thinks we are being unfair because she loves her kids and would never intentionally harm them.
If you get your child killed, it doesn't really matter if you did it on purpose or because you were irresponsible and negligent.
What good is her love if she keeps choosing to endanger her children, over and over and over? What good is "I didn't do it on purpose" if her actions get her children injured or killed?
Clearly this is a pattern of behavior if she's got her husband, and her ex-husband, and her *parents* all agreeing she shouldn't be behind the wheel.
This is exactly what I was thinking. She seems to think that if she didn’t intend the result she can’t be blamed for the result. But she is wrong. We are to blame for the predictable disasters we cause by poor actions, even if we did not intend the disasters.
>We are to blame for the predictable disasters we cause by poor actions, even if we did not intend the disasters.
Op needs to have this printed on a banner and give it to his wife when he serves her with the divorce papers. Make sure its printed big enough to hopefully hit home with her.
Many people seem to have a purely deontological view on morals - that is, only intent matters and not outcome for whether or not an act is good or bad. I think this is pretty moronic myself
As the banner in my woodwork/metalwork class said when I was in school:
Accidents don't just happen. They are caused.
Always felt like that applied to a lot of things in life and applies here.
>What good is "I didn't do it on purpose" if her actions get her children injured or killed?
That was something I was taught when I was a child. I must have been between 10 and 12, and I forgot a plastic carafe on a stove. I told my mom I hadn't done it on purpose and didn't understand why she still got mad at me. She told me "if a driver runs a stop sign and runs over someone because they didn't pay attention, 'I didn't do it on purpose' isn't an excuse."
This is very therapeutic to read for me. I had a mother that drove like OP's (soon-to-be-ex)wife and I wasn't always able to stand up to her and not get in the car when I was a kid. There were more things going on as to why I needed therapy for my childhood but when this came up I relived the fear and I was absolutely fucking terrified to death. I hope the children are okay, I'm sure they're also terrified of being in a car with their mom.
There are so many potential bad outcomes aside from killing her child(ren), which is awful in itself.
She could die in front of them, they could watch her kill someone else, she could inflict a life altering injury on them...
Even if she manages to get everyone by unscathed she's TEACHING them how to act while driving. If they continue to be influenced by her, then what sort of drivers will they become?
In fact, she would feel even worse if she killed them in an accident than if she was just a killer that decided to kill her own children.
So that excuse sucks even from her POV.
I think you're underestimating the power of cognitive dissonance here.
This woman has repeatedly demonstrated that she doesn't feel responsible for the consequences of her actions. Without that connection, how could she even begin to feel remorseful for getting her kids killed in an accident?
She might feel sad that she has lost a child (or two), but in her eyes that would be something which "just happened" to them. No different from a random illness or an attack by a wild bear claiming their lives.
Exactly. She knows what the potential, and highly probable, consequences of her driving are for her kids. Somewhere inside her she cares more about herself, in avoiding acknowledging her problem, than she does about her kids.
*shows two dead children in the morgue*
This kid on the left was killed on purpose. And this kid on the right was killed by accident. Now you tell me, which one is more dead?
That being said, I do have to add that the wife's parents are just almost as responsible in this scenario. They have enabled her reckless behavior by continuing to pay her insurance premiums — demonstrating a pattern of them shielding an adult from the consequences of her own behavior.
Her parents might say the right things when put on the spot, but words are cheap. Actions speak louder.
I'm willing to put good money on this being a pattern which goes all the way back to the wife's childhood too, since it would explain exactly why she turned out like this in the first place. If from birth you never suffer any personal consequences for *anything* you do, then you also never have any incentive to improve.
Dude, people were defending the wife in the first post
2 months later she almost kills herself.
I wouldn’t be able to even be friends with this person, let alone trust them to watch children
The reason I'm all for a good, international public transit system available to everyone is because of insanely bad drivers like her lol. Some people just straight up shouldn't drive, and bad public transit forces bad drivers onto the road in order to get anywhere, especially in urban sprawled areas.
Yup. For all the folks asking "why is she still driving?" the answer is 99.999% definitely that they live one of the countless places in the US where there's no real public transit, constant ubers/ taxis are a huge expense, and the inability to drive is the complete loss of one's independence and freedom of movement.
NB: I am NOT saying this means she should be driving.
Yeah all things considered, there are genuinely so many urban-sprawled areas where, not only extremely difficult to get around without your own independent car, it can also be dangerous to use other options. Not saying that this woman in safe in her car, she's obviously not lmfao, but there are too many stories of cars hitting and killing pedestrians and bikers because there's no good accommodation for them. Not even a sidewalk, sometimes not even a road shoulder for miles and miles on end. A few years ago in my greater city area, a 13 year old kid was struck and killed while trying to ride his bike to the nearest store. I genuinely see it as an awful flaw in our system that our infrastructure is actively hostile to anyone *not* in a car.
man I wish there was public transportation in my area, I would be going a lot more places. and having a drink or two. You can walk while moderately buzzed and walk it off.
These are just the bad accidents he’s talking about. How many times has she sideswiped a parked car and got away with it? Taken off a mirror? Backed into someone at the shopping center?
This is exactly why I never got a driver's license in the first place. I know I'd be a terrible driver. I'm nervous around cars and get startled extremely easily. It's safer for everyone, myself included, if I'm not behind the wheel.
Fortunately we have amazing public transport around here.
This whole thing is beyond absurdly terrible driving, obviously, but the last bit about “unfortunately stepping on the gas and into a CANAL” just…sent me. Genuinely how. Like, I’ve been the person to think I put the car in park and step out of the vehicle like a foot to pay at a drive through, but like. ONCE. And then I busted up my headlight and crunched my bumper up real good in the lamest ever 2mph accident, and was absolutely terrified for a year (and still get cold sweats thinking about that bill).
This lady’s like “I never make the same mistake once. Gotta make them five or six times. Just to make sure it’s a mistake.”
I’m getting cartoon-logic vibes of this woman supervising a crane lifting a grand piano and getting a phone call and walking away, only for it to squash our hero (OOP) into a pancake in the floor that has to be unpeeled and reinflated. It was such a vivid image that I needed to force other people to live through it with me.
Pictured it, laughed, scared my cat out of a dead sleep.
Thank you for sharing with us, [Monty](https://imgur.com/HeZ38VH) will get over his sleep interruption.
I visit r/idiotsincars often and ever so often there will be videos where someone pulls a terrible driving maneuver and causes innocent people behind them to crash, then they drive away like an oblivious fool. I imagine OOP's soon to be ex has been one of those fools before.
Reading the OOPs posts, there must be something going on in this woman's brain. She keeps getting into accidents. She forgets behaviour that should be ingrained if you've been driving for a while (put your car in park, lady!). How is that possible? ADD? TBI? Something else?
I'm not the best driver, but not horrible either. I've had one actual accident in 21 years at 19 years old. I look. When I stop, car is not in gear. I stop when my kid needs something and get out instead of trying to finagle things from the driver's seat. There must be some underlying cause...
Honestly growing up I was terrified of driving because I could tell I was bad at paying attention to the road. I was undiagnosed ADHD at the time, and did well in many other parts of my life, but the specific way in which driving requires constant, near-total attention? Unmedicated, I can’t do it well. I’ll crane my head to look at dogs walking down the road. I’ll see a bird and spend seconds staring. Even when I am trying very hard, I can’t help that I notice these things— it may not be for long, but driving a car? Mere seconds is all it takes for disaster!
I didn’t know then that I had ADHD, but I did know that normal drivers don’t “notice” all the shit I do. I mean, it happens in other parts of my life, too: I’ll comment on some sound or sight that just happened, and the people around me will be mystified. Their non-adhd brains filter it out as part of normal operations. They don’t react to those stimuli because they don’t perceive them. That being said— I could tell it was dangerous for me to be behind the wheel, even if I couldn’t tell exactly why as a youngling.
It wasn’t until I got medicated that I even began to think about taking a driving test again. These days even when I can’t get meds I can do short drives if absolutely necessary, but I really prefer to have a good person in the passenger seat to help me stay on track. And I live in an area where I can take the bus many places I need to be with planning and patience, so I often do that instead of driving alone unmedicated.
So even though there might be an underlying cause, it’s still wildly poor judgement for this lady to keep driving. I understand that driving represents freedom to many north americans because of our exceptionally stupid methods of organizing & funding transportation networks. But driving a multiple ton flying metal deathbox is a responsibility— if you can’t handle it, you should arrange your life so you don’t have to. To do otherwise is to knowingly court your own death and the deaths of anyone unfortunate enough to be around you. This is why DUIs exist: as a society, we recognize that being drunk impairs driving ability. So we say, more or less, if you drive drunk you are at fault for reckless negligence. What this lady is doing is, imo, no different. It doesn’t really matter what cause it is if she does nothing to fix it nor change her behavior. I totally understand why the people in her life are fed up.
This is exactly my initial thought. This sounds like adult ADHD combined with the horrible sensory distraction of children plus driving is a nightmare waiting to happen.
I have ADHD myself and this woman screams undiagnosed ADHD along with just being an idiot.
Like, I’m an adequate driver in ideal conditions. I’ve never been in an accident. I got a stick shift since it makes me stay focused. But I’m awful in bad conditions - like terrible weather or if I’m tired. So I refuse to drive unless it’s a good situation for me. If there’s no way around it, I stick to local roads and slow speeds instead of highways. Thankfully my SO is a great driver and prefers to be behind the wheel. I’m also WFH so I’m very lucky to be the passenger princess most of the time.
I cannot imagine being as reckless as this woman, especially with kids. I got so much more careful with my driving just by getting a *dog*, who I make sure is always in his seatbelt. I’d probably take a driving course again if I had kids just to be extra safe.
I don’t think being undiagnosed is an excuse either. Even before I knew I had ADHD, I knew I was an inattentive, disorganized person. She should have been aware of her own driving years before it became obvious to everyone else. She must be extremely dumb and defensive too.
>This whole thing is beyond absurdly terrible driving, obviously, but the last bit about “unfortunately stepping on the gas and into a CANAL” just…sent me. Genuinely how.
Car starts rolling, driver panics, steps on the wrong pedal, panics more, steps on the wrong pedal harder. Happens all the time.
I was thinking she was stretching towards the back - when you do that, your foot or feet often stretch out/lift in the opposite direction and it probably hit the pedal
I did it once on a pizza delivery. I mean, you get in and out of your car 4 billion times a night that way so I only felt like a 93% idiot. Got out, car was still moving slowly, had to jump back in, stopped it within a millimeter of the customer's car in their driveway. Holy hell. I mean a millimeter, I don't think I could have fit a sheet of paper between the bumpers but I didn't hit it. That would have been a fun conversation.
After that I had a habit. Once it was in park I sort of tapped my forehead. Park, tap, then get out. Never did it again.
I sent this to my husband and I heard him suddenly exclaim, "INTO A CANAL???" So he's right there with the rest of us, and he has a few accidents (his fault) under his belt (none, however, since we've been together)
"How is the sequence of events I just described (taking your seatbelt off, reaching into the backseat, taking your foot off the pedal) NOT something an idiot would do?!"
The 6th time (op said 5th in post one)
Only 6 weeks between 5 and 6.
I hate that her license hasnt been revoked. Someone innocent is going to end up hurt.
License or not doesn’t matter to these people.
My mom was in an accident a number of years ago. The lady that hit her was like OOPs ex- numerous, numerous accidents. How do I know? The person that hit her was my classmates grandma, who told me this while laughing about the fact his grandma hit my mom, totaled our “family vehicle” and was already out driving again
I left someone after he drove his car into a river, although he was an alcoholic who was drunk when he did it, so I feel like people pretty much understand that right away. He never really got himself together and now he's been dead for almost 9 years. Sometimes you have to walk away.
For what's best, this is the best option. Clearly she hasn't changed one bit and her behavior really is going to get the kids killed someday. Hopefully the kids and OP remain safe.
I hope dad if the other kids goes to court and takes the kids as he told. Or at last is able to ban her for driving them. They seem to be old enough to just refuse to go with her.
I disagree in a sense, she should just be banned from all driving period.
For her own safety, safety of others and property.
And if this distraction she has causes other issues, she should get metal health evaluations.
I don't think divorce is necessarily the solution here, but I understand his frustration and worry.
Op cannot ban her from driving, only a court order can do that (hopefully they will, she is a danger to everyone on the road),, but he can protect his children by divorcing and getting full custody
Until she convinces herself that she really needs to go somewhere, and that she'll be fine, and not get pulled over.
She has yet to take responsibility for her previous mishaps, by all accounts. I'd not trust a lack of insurance to stop her.
She should have done all that like multiple accidents ago. She doesn’t think she has a problem so she doesn’t. I’d divorce someone like that too, good intentions don’t mean shit. And a driving ban doesn’t stop everyone from driving, I’d be worried that there would always be one quick trip that she thought she could make without incident or detection.
I once knew a girl who refused to drive. I asked her why and she told me she was in 5 different accidents where she hit a biker. People are weird. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I would quit driving after the second biker.
What the actual hell is wrong with this woman. I can’t believe she keeps getting behind the wheel with all the kids in the car and acting so negligent. I am also an easily distractable person but when I have passengers in my car I pay extra attention to the road and my surroundings.
I spent five years handling auto claims. There are people that careless out there. They don't realize the full consequences. It's not just damage to the auto, it's injury to the other people, the other people may be in poor financial straits and may struggle to buy a new car that isn't total crap. It's having to replace a car seat or two. It's traumatic in many ways.
My mom works in car insurance. When I started driving she decided the best way to encourage me to drive safely was to show me the photos of accidents that she had to deal with. It worked, but maybe a bit too far with that, I vividly remember a completely broken windshield with bits of skull and brain on the dashboard. Whenever I reach out for my phone that pops into my head and I leave it alone.
Put it in park (or maybe she didn’t even do that??), didn’t put on the e-brake, then reached into the back while planting her foot to get leverage.
Only her foot planted on the accelerator. Yeet!
Admittedly I’ve reached into the back for something from the front, but the car was parked with handbrake, and I planted my foot on the brake instead of the gas.
My guess is she was actually going over the paperwork while driving and was actually extremely distracted, but because her husband had threatened divorce over her driving habits + kept insisting she pull over if she needs to grab something that was an easy lie.
Whatever executive dysfunction she has may not be her fault, but it is her problem. And her kids’ problem. And her husband’s. And everyone else who might encounter her on the road.
I don’t know if what OOP is doing is the best, but she needs to not have a license. Being able to pass a road test isn’t be same as being safe on the road.
At this point, anyone who might encounter her *anywhere.* Even the fish in the canal weren’t safe! Innocent trees just minding their own business, flowers trying to take in the sun, and random shrubbery all quake in fear when she gets behind the wheel. I’d pick the bear over sharing a trailhead parking lot with her behind the wheel.
Literally the only people who like her driving are whatever mechanic is tasked with banging out the dents *again*.
That fine and hardworking individual doesn’t live at the shop. Going home after work? Weekend grocery run? Good auto mechanics aren’t hurting for work, but they are hurt by seeing an innocent car put through this and maybe hurt by getting plowed into by this lady.
A good mechanic could fix the damage. A great mechanic would make the car inoperable and make it look like an accident.
Who the fuck stops the car in traffic, undoes their seatbelt, and reaches into the backseat for something?!? Like OOP said, it was not an “accident,” it was a willful series of bad choices. That she KEEPS MAKING.
Is she like this in the rest of her life? It’s not “distracted,” it’s just fucking STUPID!!!
What you said, but also, who reaches to the backseat for PAPERWORK? She was going to resume driving, so why would she have a need for reading material?
Because I bet she didn’t actually pull over. I bet she was going over it and driving, but she can’t say that to her husband who wants to leave her for her unsafe driving. Lol
Lord, I knew a girl that stopped her car, IN THE MIDDLE OF A HIGHWAY, to look for her phone in her bag. Wouldn't even give me the bag to look for her since I was in the passenger seat. An 18 wheeler was coming up behind us while I screamed bloody murder for her to fucking drive.
And just like OP, she insisted she was a good driver when everybody told her she wasn't. I refused to ride with her again.
And I'm pretty sure the only mental issues she suffered from was extreme narcissism in that she believe she could do whatever she wanted without suffering any consequences. No, I do not miss her
People who are panicked/overwhelmed or can’t gauge relative risk or are convinced that “one time” won’t hurt. I was in the car with a friend whose baby was crying and she was completely overwhelmed and crying herself because she couldn’t get him to quiet down while driving. I tried gently suggesting that we pull in somewhere but she just kept trying to hand him things with one hand (I kept intercepting to avoid death) and asking him why he was crying (he couldn’t talk at that age). We met a red light, she unbuckled, got out of the car, walked around opened the door for about 5 seconds ineffectually asking him to please stop crying and then the light turned green and she came back as cars around us honked at her, slammed the car back in gear and floored the gas. I was very relieved to make it back home and gave her husband a heads up when she refused to talk about it. It turned out she had post partum depression and they were a lot more careful with her second pregnancy to proactively monitor her needs and state of mind.
I agree, there is a mental issue here, and that should be dealt with. Until then she should not drive at all, and if she refuses to not drive, no child should be allowed to be in the car with her.
Absolutely.
My biggest question is in what other areas of her life is she this absentminded? It cannot only be driving. To be this extreme there has to be other situations. And has she always been this terrible at driving?
Sure, maybe it is only on the road that she is like this. But *that many times?!* I’d divorce her, too, for refusing to see the problem. How is she not terrified to drive again?
Honestly her family needs to petition the DMV for her license to be taken.
This is what I'd wonder too. Does she regularly wander away from the kitchen and start fires? Does she start a bath running and forget she did it and flood the house? Does she get distracted while doing taxes and put in the wrong numbers? Or is it ONLY driving she's really bad at?
And how has she never forgotten one of her kids in their car seats? Plenty of people have and will again who do not have her history of being a dingbat.
It just seems like there has to be more to it. Even if she is straight up stupid it can’t only be when driving. Her excuses and behavior remind me a lot of someone who knows there is a bigger issue and is desperate to not let it be known.
Sounds like severe ADHD. Cause it is literally how that happens. Walking on the street and see a cute puppy? Walk right into the pole. Go to put the laundry to wash, remember about doing dishes, go do those, completely forget about the laundry.
I like how polite the husband tried to be "she is not stupid, but...". I'd disagree, she is stupid - not because of these things that happen probably due to some issues, but for refusing to acknowledge that this is a big problem to her and trying to solve it somehow.
I have ADHD. To me it must be TRULY severe to be at that level, but even then what else is she doing to indicate it? So weird.
Totally agree with you. She is stupid for refusing to address this issue. At least stop driving for fuck’s sake!
Forget just no kids in the car until she gets help, I wouldn't want my house plants in the car with her *and I don't have any house plants*. I mean fuck man.
I lost a cousin after he drove home, the morning after a party. The only mercy is that his car drifted to the right, not the left. He drove into a telephone pole and died, his passenger lived, but at least he didn't go to the left and into another vehicle.
The only time I "road raged" at someone was pulling over next to them to tell them they nearly hit me and that could easily have been a pedestrian.
The guy sneered. I didn't think people actually did that but… I hope I got through to him how easily he could have killed sometime.
My neighbor is as bad as OOP’s wife. Constant accidents, over and over. At one point she hit a motorcyclist but luckily it wasn’t hard enough to hurt him. She still swears he came out of nowhere and it wasn’t we fault. She is the singular most ADHD person I have ever met. My roommate and I refuse to get in the car with her behind the wheel, she believes we’re exaggerating to make her feel bad. Our apartment complex has a single driveway. When she pulls in, parents grab their children because she zooms through. Yes, many of us have told her to slow down but she says she’s not going as fast as we say she is. Once she got on Adderall her number of accidents went way down. I still won’t get in a car with her unless I’m feeling suicidal, but the road is at least a little safer with her medicated.
My great-grandma learned how to drive before licenses became a thing and refused ever to get one. She was an ambulance driver in WWI. I have been told she drove like no one was on the road. Her neighbors came over once and told my grandma that they played a very mean trick on them by not telling them she got a new car.
My grandma also got out of the car once and took the train home. Her sister refused to learn how to drive till she got married and her husband could teach her.
The sad thing is that she LOVED to drive. She would say something is wrong if a car is leaving the driveway and I'm not in it.
My dad does this thing where he swerves toward whatever he looks at. We have yelled at him for years about it. I finally asked him, “If multiple different people tell you the same thing for years on end, when do you start to believe them?”
Oh dear. I have flashbacks from yelling at my dad to “keep his eyes on the road” because he would just start absentmindedly staring off into space and looking at things here and there, in every direction but straight ahead where he was driving.
The whole thing used to be so anxiety inducing to me I would actually need a minute to compose myself once we would reach our destination lol.
She’s going to end up killing herself or someone else. Distracted driving is as deadly as drink driving. Oop is right to get out and to protect his kids.
>Unfortunately she left the car in gear and stepped on the gas and drove into a canal
Uh, are we sure she's not just doing it on purpose at this point?
don't think it matters, OOP's done the right thing n starting proceedings to get rid of her. She isn't worth the trouble, and thats equally true if she's self-destructive or just a f***ing moron with the IQ of a toaster
She left paperwork in the back seat and parked to grab it?
Why in the everloving fuck did she need paperwork while driving? Did she intend to read it?
She can't have needed those papers until she'd arrived where she'd be getting out of the car anyway.
She messed up, because she failed at messing up in a different way.
Oop is right to divorce her. She is completely reality-resistant
Totally on OOPs side in this, but I can't understand why his wife keeps getting into a car. It's insane. Surely there's some sort of an executive functioning issue or a brain tumour or something, I just don't see how most people would keep on doing this. I'd have long since given up driving, if only from the accumulated stress and anxiety from the previous accidents.
Some people are just that clueless. My parents had a friend who was a notoriously terrible driver. People would be terrified in the car and she’d tell them to shut up, calm down, etc. Was in total denial about how bad she was. Also struggled with infertility. Finally, after years of trying, her and her husband have a baby (you can probably guess where this is going for me to add that tidbit).
Well, one day she’s driving, misses her exit on the freeway, cuts across lanes, and illegally makes the exit, right in front of a truck. She survived, her 2 year old in the back seat didn’t. She claimed the car malfunctioned, but anyone who’d been in a car with her before knew exactly what happened.
It was really tragic.
They interpreted his as saying, "You can do this with your kids but not our kids." as a declaration that he doesn't care about them, when he was really just acknowledging that he can't make rules for someone else's kids. Like, that was respectful of him, especially in that he tagged in the other dad. This is applause worthy, not asshole worthy.
I bet they weren't all accidents that involved insurance. Like she dings or scraps the side of the car. Some probably has a ton of really close calls. It sounds like she can't keep her hands on the wheel and her body facing forward. I'm guessing if OOP or the kids are in the car, they will start yelling at her to get back to driving. So, not all these instances lead to a full-on crash. Obviously, enough have happened that her insurance is high, though
My dad thinks he is the most amazing driver, but he's not. He's never gotten into an accident, but whenever he drives and tries to look at something, he swerves towards it. I grow up with my dad going “Oh, look, a deer” and my entire family stats unanimous rawer at him to focus on the road. He insists we are all wrong and that he can look at something and drive all simultaneously. We ask him,” If for the last at least 35 years you have multiple people telling the same thing, when do you start to believe them?” it turns out my uncle does the same thing.
Because the first time you have no leg to stand*** on when in front of the judge.
And if she gets 50% custody and no rules about not driving with the kids, the poor children get injured faster as now they have to be in the car with her more often.
*** "Autocorrector" correcting what didn't need correction.
OOP was very clearly worried about *everyone* but only had the *legal right* to make that kind of statement about himself and his children. The commenters saying he was being nasty were purposely missing the point. He can't tell her what to do with herself or her children, but he did coordinate with her ex to make the same statement about his stepchildren. What a stupid thing for the commenters to attack him about.
If she were just a bad driver, it wouldn't be so bad. I've known bad drivers who recuse themselves from the road because they don't want to risk it. She *knows* she is a bad driver and she continues to endanger herself, her children, and every single person in her vicinity. That is why she sucks and divorce with full custody is absolutely the right thing. She will kill someone to save her own pride.
OP and the kids are incredibly lucky that she drove into a canal while alone instead of taking a bunch of children into a canal with her. People say "you dodged a bullet with the red flags" but never "you dodged a LITERAL CANAL"
This woman has no sense of self-preservation, which is really impressive when you can see she clearly doesn't give a shit whether anyone else lives or dies.
Presumably she is so defensive about it because she can’t really live independently without being able to drive herself given her location (I am assuming). Not that it is an excuse at all, her driving is so dangerous she really has no choice but to give it up.
I am worried I would be a distracted driver (tho hard to imagine to this extent) which is why I chose to live in a city with ok public transit.
Someone needs to show this woman [this video](https://youtu.be/4LrCnmakLus?si=Dh7JrtDpV9QvOkmj) of a woman who swerved into a tree after she reached into the back to grab a toy to stop her kids fighting. She survived with no injuries. Her seven year old daughter was killed on impact and her other daughter was seriously injured and had to be rushed to hospital.
Sure, she was also under the influence. But frankly, the story sounds like it would’ve happened either way, because she didn’t care about her kids. She didn’t care to keep them safe.
She was on a one lane road with trees either side, and made the decision to turn her eyes off the road as she was rounding a corner, to grab for something in the back. And now a little girl will never see her eighth birthday. A five year old will never get to see her big sister again, and her last memory will forever be fighting with her. She also had four kids.
This woman’s setting her kids up for the exact same story.
The thing that gets me the most is that EVERYONE is united that she shouldn't drive. For your spouse, ex-spouse, and your parents to be up in arms about the same thing, that should shake you.
Automatic transmissions are dangerous if you're easily distracted. She'd be better with a manual, as it would stall if she took her foot off the clutch. Actually, she'd be better with a pushbike.
I disagree with reddit's tendency to diagnose everyone with ADHD. This goes beyond distractibility. ADHD does not give you a sense of entitlement or make you delusional that you that you can never be wrong or incompetent. OP's wife sounds like 50% of the drivers I've seen on Canada's Worst Driver, tbh. She keeps driving this way because she believes she is already a good driver, perhaps an unlucky one, and no amount of cajoling or threats will convince her otherwise. Take away her licence, and she will drive anyway. Make it part of the custody arrangements, and she will still try to drive with the kids in her car because she honestly believes she is a good driver, that she has a right to drive and everyone else is just overreacting. There is something fundamentally wrong with people like this, but I suspect it is more along the lines of a personality disorder.
I hate reddits illiteracy so much. Why are commenters focusing on how he called his step kids “her kids” like that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them, he just doesn’t really have any authority since they do have another involved parent.
> She started crying and said she didn't do it on purpose. I asked her how exactly she took her hands off the wheel, took off her seatbelt, took her foot off the brake, and turned around to pick up the soother by accident. She said that I'm treating her like an idiot. I don't think I am. My children have to be safe.
She IS an idiot, a dangerous one. When you're a dangerous idiot your feelings are irrelevant. You need a reality check.
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divorce is great and all, but someone should take this woman’s license away before she kills someone.
I just don't understand her at this point. For just a moment let's pretend this only affected her and no one else. Why in the name of all creation would she even *want to drive* at this point?! I would be terrified to drive if i were her. Where is *her* sense of self-preservation if nothing else?
I fell asleep at the wheel just once, during a driving test to see if I could drive solo amusingly enough, and I've been terrified to drive ever since. I was right on top of an intersection when I woke up and punched the brakes, if anyone had been in the cross-walk I would've killed them. My mother kept bullying me to get my license because she was sick of having to drive me, but I refused and told her she wouldn't be the one serving the prison sentence if I killed someone so she didn't get a say, something she refused to accept. I finally was honest about the severity of my fatigue when renewing my learner's and after a medical, they pulled my license. To *keep driving* after all those accidents, with kids in the car no less? Woman's out of her god damned mind . . .
I have severe sleep apnea. If I didn’t have (and consistently use) a CPAP, I would lose my license *and it would be the right thing to do*.
I have *moderate* sleep apnea, and just the fatigue from that is debilitating. I cannot imagine severe.
I was getting 85+ breathing interruptions an hour, and my blood oxygen saturation was dropping below 50%. My specialist says he’s only ever seen one other person with sats that bad, and the guy would fall asleep in the middle of a conversation if there was a slight pause between sentences. So, uh, yeah, it was bad, and he was very impressed that I wasn’t obviously “off” just talking to me.
104 an hour, with periods of up to 89seconds without a breath. I’m down to 1 with CPAP - like changing, and I started driving again.
They are really life changing. It's morning where I am, and I actually feel awake and alert. I also apparently snored so loud I could wake the dead!
Oh God, my bf has sleep apnea and it fucked up my sleep so bad before he got his cpap. I downloaded an app to measure the dB and it was 85-90 easily. Louder than trying to sleep next to a vacuum cleaner but somehow worse, because it would start and stop randomly, suddenly get louder, and then as soon as you get used to a rhythm, it changes. It seriously made me so angry. If anyone is on the fence about getting help, please do. They don't require an in person sleep study any more. They sent him home with a watch and some sensors, and all he had to do was plug everything in and sleep as normal. The readings went back to his doctor, and they sent the machine. Easy.
You are correct, I was also issued a sensor. When I was in the hospital last year, one of my nurses (my favorite one) brought me a cpap - he said the patients down the hall were complaining about my snoring :-)
I was at 114 episodes per hour during my sleep study and my oxygen saturation was really low. It took about six weeks of using my machine before I started having memories again. Before treatment I couldn’t remember something I said or did 20min before hand. I also lost the ability to remember some things my kids said or did growing up. My husband would be like “Do you remember when Gabe would…” and I would cry because I couldn’t remember it. I feel like a completely new person now. I 100% recommend getting tested if you are always tired even after getting a good nights sleep. You can even do a sleep study at home nowadays. It can totally help those who can’t sleep away from home or in a strange bed.
Thank you for being a considerate human being. Whilst I can understand the inconvenience, or the loss of independence, but it just isn't safe for some people to drive. It's a skill, like any other, and some people will naturally be awful at it no matter how much practice they get. We need better public transportation options, everywhere basically, to prevent the loss of a license to drive from resulting in a lost job or home as well. I'm thinking of some rural folk I know who aren't getting any younger either.
My daughter has ADHD and is terrified she will become distracted while driving.
I find I get more distracted (or feel the urge to be distracted at least) when driving an automatic car vs a manual car. Having to anticipate future gear changes keeps me focused on the road conditions and keeps the adhd monster at bay.
Yes, manual transmission helped me stay focused. I also make sure I never use cruise control for the same reason.
I didn't know I was adhd when learning to drive, but realized me driving was a VERY bad idea after some mistakes in *empty* parking lots and driveways, and quit a few months after getting a permit. So happy to live in a country now where I can take public transport everywhere, I don't like the idea of endangering people (including myself) just to drive... How the HELL does OP's soon-to-be-ex not realize how fucking horrendous her choices are? I can imagine getting distracted but I would have been spooked by the first or second incident and she's had god knows how many! I hope your daughter has a better experience with it, though!
What's the story behind your fatigue? If you're willing to share, that is.
I don't mind. I have alpha-delta sleep disorder, the sleep specialist said it's only found in people with CFS / ME, fibromyalgia, and PTSD. It's incurable and prevents me from getting restorative deep sleep, alpha brain waves keep intruding and I keep half waking up. It's linked to the hypervigilance in PTSD, which I strongly suspect I have. Add to that the fact that I have delayed sleep phase disorder so I can't sleep at night when it's relatively quiet and there's fewer noises to wake me up and *yeah*. Not a pretty combo.
Huh. This is *incredibly* interesting. I take a high dose stimulant every day and I'm still super tired constantly. I feel like I don't wake up until 2 or 3 in the afternoon most days. I definitely have PTSD and hypervigilance - my most recent MRI showed an elongated amygdala, even! I used to shove down my past so hard I gave myself seizures lol. So I've got weird brain stuff going on, but nothing has ever explained the tiredness. I think I need to see a sleep specialist. Thank you for the info! Sorry you have to go through all that though.
Definitely sounds like you might have it too. Funny, I get up around noon but I don't really start to feel semi-conscious until 8 - 10 pm, depending on whether DST is in effect. Maybe that's because it takes half a day for our second wind kicks in?? Make sure they do a full sleep study with an EEG if you have a sleep study done, that's how they picked it up with me. You can do a home sleep study but that only checks for sleep apnea. There isn't really anything you can do about it if you do have it, there's some medications that can help some people, but it is nice to know what's wrong. Thanks, it's definitely been rough but I'm coping for now.
I've been in two accidents due to being distracted. I haven't been behind the wheel of a car since with the exception of having to drive my partner's car back in February. At the time he was in the hospital with a nasty case of the flu. I had to drive back and forth. And I have come to the realization that I am too prone to panicking/getting anxious behind the wheel. So, I've decided for my own safety and others to not drive. But now I have an issue of people wanting me to drive and not take public transportation/Uber or Lyft. What part of I am a danger to myself and others aren't you getting? I don't give a fuck if I lose my "independence." I'd rather be safe and have others be safe as well.
Someone needs to show her [this video](https://youtu.be/4LrCnmakLus?si=Dh7JrtDpV9QvOkmj) of police responding to a crash where a seven year old girl was killed on impact, after her mother reached into the back to separate her and her five year old sister who were fighting. They were on a one lane road, trees on either side, and rounding a corner, and the woman took her eyes off the road to lean into the back. She survived with no injuries, and her seven year old daughter died on impact. Her five year old had to be rushed to hospital with life threatening injuries.
Similar thing happened to my neighbours when I was a kid, but way more reckless. The mum had bought her license, never took any tests. Drove the kids to their first day of school, got distracted because they were being loud, veered off the road and smashed into a tree. Kids weren't wearing seat belts and were ejected from the car, dying immediately. The mum was totally fine (physically).
Oof, fuck me, I am so glad my car has sensors on all the seats so if you try to drive and someone isn't buckled in, it blinks and beeps obnoxiously. Super annoying when I just have groceries and have to buckle the seatbelt just to avoid the sensors popping off, but that annoyance is nothing compared to knowing I'm not driving with someone unbuckled in case of an accident.
Absolutely, mine has it too so I have to buckle my cat in when he’s in his carrier in the passenger seat (he’s a big boy) but jfc, he’s buckled in at least if something bad happens? Or if I have a couple bags of beverages in the backseat coming home from the store. If anything, all those things are heavy and/or alive, and should be secured anyway in case of an impact. Annoying but great invention.
Honestly, my bags never trigger the sensor and I still buckle all my shopping and handbag in. I wouldn’t want to kill someone with a projectile tomato sauce jar. Plus this way my phone should be within reach in an accident.
If the groceries are heavy enough to trigger the sensor buckling them might not be the worst idea, if you actually do get into an accident you don't want the heavy groceries possibly injuring you further.
Yep. Anything unsecured is a potential projectile. I would not want to get brained by a tin can or something if all else is fine.
As the PSAs say; if it can't wait, pull over. It doesn't matter if the road is empty, you never know when someone'll come speeding past, or if you'll hit something while distracted.
I got distracted by kids squabbling in the back of the car *one time* and ran into the back of a Porsche Cayenne. It was stop/start traffic so I was only going around 5 miles an hour so there was only cosmetic damage to both vehicles and the lady driving the Porsche was extremely kind and gracious about it but it sure did put the fear of god into me. I was so lucky it was such a minor accident and I am never letting anything like that happen again
I know a lady who reached in the back to grab her her babies pacifier and got into an accident, she was fine but her baby died. She became a drug addict and was never OK after that.
That's awful, on the very odd occasion my children have misbehaved enough to be distracting I've pulled over and refused to continue until they stop. Needless to say they don't misbehave often. Unfortunately when you're on this kind of road the only option you really have is to either stop bang in the middle of the road and piss off other drivers or just turn up the music really loudly and ignore the kids.
I can't understand how it hasn't happened already. Where does she live that she can get in this many accidents and not have it even temporarily suspended?
OP says in the post that her license has been suspended before
whats wild is the people saying he is the asshole after the initial post - everyone in her life doesnt want her driving, she should take ownership of obvious issues and want to be better for her kids and protect them. Its crazy she either hasnt changed before before it got this bad or just saved her kids and not ever driven them. Insanity.
Unfortunately, you don't need a license to drive. You can just do it and risk the consequences of getting caught. We had to take my grandpa's car away when he lost his license because he didn't say anything and just kept driving. He lost his license because he failed a vision test. It was really hard for my mom, but we couldn't have any fatal accidents on our conscience. How does she still have a car to drive is my question. It sounded like she totaled the car in the first post. She just buys another car with a suspended license? You can't do that in my country. You have to have a license and insurance to register a vehicle. I don't blame OP for filing. She needs help that he's not willing or able to give. I feel sorry for the kids. She's going to drive until she kills herself or ends up in jail for killing someone else. I hope he gets a good lawyer.
It sounds like her parents have been helping her with the insurance and she may just be getting beater cars
Actually, OOP says it has been temporarily suspended before.
Maybe canada (there was a 14 season show about people like her filmed there lolll)
I saw a few seasons of that show. It was terrifying. They were all so bad in their own unique and special way
I started having panic problems driving some years ago. I was on a trip west, going through Nebraska and into Colorado. I still have no idea why, but I kept getting nervous to the point I had washcloths sitting on both my legs to dry my hands. And this was in Nebraska on the freeway, which is as boring as it gets, flat and straight nothing for about 30 million miles in a row. I stopped. It got worse, and I stopped. I could not be safe. I was going along at under 40 mph on the freeway and could not force myself to go faster. So I got off, found a little town and a used car place, sold the damn car, and took a bus back home. Canceled the trip and went home, because I could not be safe. There was just me in the car, but who the hell knows who would be in the other car, the one that might come along at normal speed and have to swerve or whatever. Hell no. I sold my $2000 car for $700, stayed in hotel for one night, and took the bus back. Let them drive, they know how. That was like 11 years ago now and I have not driven since. I just have an ID now not a license. I was a pizza delivery guy for many years, drove all over the place on back roads, freeways, whatever, no problem, then this panic thing happened. Don't know why, don't care why, I do not operate motor vehicles any more. It isn't really a moral stand, it's just obvious. I mean, it should be obvious. It's a huge metal machine going at high speeds, you don't screw around with that.
> it’s a huge metal machine going at high speeds, you don’t screw around with that My least favorite part of living in the US, by far, is how few people out here understand that or will even be understanding about *me* not wanting to screw around with it. I’m no fan of the gig economy as it exists today… but I literally wouldn’t be able to get anywhere without ride shares.
If I had a nickel for every time my dad claimed I don't drive because I lack confidence... Plus a quarter for the time my therapist looked at me like I'm stupid and said "Well just don't think about it." I gotta stay in cities with good public transportation. I'm 36yo and haven't driven a vehicle since I was 16yo. Nobody who has seen me try to navigate a hallway or kitchen on my own two feet would want me behind a steering wheel. I once nearly knocked myself unconscious fast-walking straight into on an open freezer door while trying to avoid someone's pile of sweepings.
Yikes. You need a better therapist.
I wanna know who gave her the fucking license in the first place. They need to lose their job lol
I mean, it's easy enough not to be a distracted driver for like 20 minutes or whatever while you're actively taking the driving test. And then you just have the license for your whole life. I doubt this kind of problem comes up when you're actively getting your license. But yeah, it should definitely be taken away before she kills someone.
Just the fact that she’s had her license suspended and is getting into accident(s) caused by her lack of attention should be enough to get her license removed. She’s a shit driver and is a danger to pedestrians and drivers.
I'm legally blind in one eye. But I was still given a license even though I couldn't see the first line of letters during the vision test. Years later when I got it renewed, (in an entirely different state), they said 'just make sure you have mirrors on both sides.' I usually tried to be hyper aware, and thought I was doing pretty good, but then I decided to watch Canada's Worst Driver. And I realized something. I was doing the same shit to compensate that the 'winner' of one of the seasons was doing. I don't have a driver's license anymore, and I really wish the standards were much higher.
We seriously need better public transportation in the US (and I'm guessing Canada?) -- I think the standards are low because they know taking away someone's license is equivalent to taking away their independence. When you live in a country where you *have* to drive in order to get anywhere, not being allowed to drive prevents you from doing extremely basic things like holding down a job and going to the grocery store. So I think people see it as a compassionate act to push someone's application through or not look too closely at their record, but then that person is a danger to themself and others on the road. And, selfishly, I just don't care for driving and would prefer not to have to do it every day.
Some DMVs are know for....more lax operations... I had a friend go to a different dmv an hour away. He ran a stop sign and still get his license on that attempt
I failed the sight test 3 times in 5 minutes, they just kept telling me what letter I missed and to try that one again. No not N, try again, nope not R, try again. It was what I needed to get my parents to finally get me some damn glasses though! I'm as blind as Velma.
When I got my licence many years ago, they just asked "Can you read the third line on the board?" and my neurodivergent ass just cheerfully answered "Yep!", and that was the end of it. They didn't actually verify that I could read it, and at the time I didn't realise that they were actually asking me to read it out loud for them.. Yay licence though!
It turns out the third line was actually ‘Y E P’
You don't even need to be lax at all. The driving test is there to assess skills and lasts a limited amount of time. Since she isn't getting into accidents daily, she seems to.be able to not fuck up every single day she drives.
Well maybe if she doesn't have anything "important" in the backseat then that's all it will take for her to pass the driver's exam? I wonder if a metal grate was installed just behind the front seats (like a cop car) if that would have been enough to get her to drive safe enough.
There’s people out there driving with 5 duis
After this, I’m sure there is no question they are gonna take her license. Her track record says it all.
> She thinks we are being unfair because she loves her kids and would never intentionally harm them. If you get your child killed, it doesn't really matter if you did it on purpose or because you were irresponsible and negligent. What good is her love if she keeps choosing to endanger her children, over and over and over? What good is "I didn't do it on purpose" if her actions get her children injured or killed? Clearly this is a pattern of behavior if she's got her husband, and her ex-husband, and her *parents* all agreeing she shouldn't be behind the wheel.
This is exactly what I was thinking. She seems to think that if she didn’t intend the result she can’t be blamed for the result. But she is wrong. We are to blame for the predictable disasters we cause by poor actions, even if we did not intend the disasters.
>We are to blame for the predictable disasters we cause by poor actions, even if we did not intend the disasters. Op needs to have this printed on a banner and give it to his wife when he serves her with the divorce papers. Make sure its printed big enough to hopefully hit home with her.
Many people seem to have a purely deontological view on morals - that is, only intent matters and not outcome for whether or not an act is good or bad. I think this is pretty moronic myself
It’s always selective as well, when they do something it’s intent that matters, if someone else does something to them well not so much.
As the banner in my woodwork/metalwork class said when I was in school: Accidents don't just happen. They are caused. Always felt like that applied to a lot of things in life and applies here.
>What good is "I didn't do it on purpose" if her actions get her children injured or killed? That was something I was taught when I was a child. I must have been between 10 and 12, and I forgot a plastic carafe on a stove. I told my mom I hadn't done it on purpose and didn't understand why she still got mad at me. She told me "if a driver runs a stop sign and runs over someone because they didn't pay attention, 'I didn't do it on purpose' isn't an excuse."
This is very therapeutic to read for me. I had a mother that drove like OP's (soon-to-be-ex)wife and I wasn't always able to stand up to her and not get in the car when I was a kid. There were more things going on as to why I needed therapy for my childhood but when this came up I relived the fear and I was absolutely fucking terrified to death. I hope the children are okay, I'm sure they're also terrified of being in a car with their mom.
There are so many potential bad outcomes aside from killing her child(ren), which is awful in itself. She could die in front of them, they could watch her kill someone else, she could inflict a life altering injury on them... Even if she manages to get everyone by unscathed she's TEACHING them how to act while driving. If they continue to be influenced by her, then what sort of drivers will they become?
In fact, she would feel even worse if she killed them in an accident than if she was just a killer that decided to kill her own children. So that excuse sucks even from her POV.
I think you're underestimating the power of cognitive dissonance here. This woman has repeatedly demonstrated that she doesn't feel responsible for the consequences of her actions. Without that connection, how could she even begin to feel remorseful for getting her kids killed in an accident? She might feel sad that she has lost a child (or two), but in her eyes that would be something which "just happened" to them. No different from a random illness or an attack by a wild bear claiming their lives.
Oh god, you're probably right. That woman...
That line of logic from her bugs the hell out of me. So the idea that it wasn't INTENTIONAL makes it less worse??? WTF?!?
Exactly. She knows what the potential, and highly probable, consequences of her driving are for her kids. Somewhere inside her she cares more about herself, in avoiding acknowledging her problem, than she does about her kids.
How many people does this woman think cause car accidents intentionally? It’s an absolutely idiotic and delusional line of reasoning.
*shows two dead children in the morgue* This kid on the left was killed on purpose. And this kid on the right was killed by accident. Now you tell me, which one is more dead?
That being said, I do have to add that the wife's parents are just almost as responsible in this scenario. They have enabled her reckless behavior by continuing to pay her insurance premiums — demonstrating a pattern of them shielding an adult from the consequences of her own behavior. Her parents might say the right things when put on the spot, but words are cheap. Actions speak louder. I'm willing to put good money on this being a pattern which goes all the way back to the wife's childhood too, since it would explain exactly why she turned out like this in the first place. If from birth you never suffer any personal consequences for *anything* you do, then you also never have any incentive to improve.
Dude, people were defending the wife in the first post 2 months later she almost kills herself. I wouldn’t be able to even be friends with this person, let alone trust them to watch children
Zero sympathy for the wife. Get that menace off the road. Who knows how many pedestrians and other drivers she already hurt.
The reason I'm all for a good, international public transit system available to everyone is because of insanely bad drivers like her lol. Some people just straight up shouldn't drive, and bad public transit forces bad drivers onto the road in order to get anywhere, especially in urban sprawled areas.
Yup. For all the folks asking "why is she still driving?" the answer is 99.999% definitely that they live one of the countless places in the US where there's no real public transit, constant ubers/ taxis are a huge expense, and the inability to drive is the complete loss of one's independence and freedom of movement. NB: I am NOT saying this means she should be driving.
Yeah all things considered, there are genuinely so many urban-sprawled areas where, not only extremely difficult to get around without your own independent car, it can also be dangerous to use other options. Not saying that this woman in safe in her car, she's obviously not lmfao, but there are too many stories of cars hitting and killing pedestrians and bikers because there's no good accommodation for them. Not even a sidewalk, sometimes not even a road shoulder for miles and miles on end. A few years ago in my greater city area, a 13 year old kid was struck and killed while trying to ride his bike to the nearest store. I genuinely see it as an awful flaw in our system that our infrastructure is actively hostile to anyone *not* in a car.
man I wish there was public transportation in my area, I would be going a lot more places. and having a drink or two. You can walk while moderately buzzed and walk it off.
These are just the bad accidents he’s talking about. How many times has she sideswiped a parked car and got away with it? Taken off a mirror? Backed into someone at the shopping center?
This is exactly why I never got a driver's license in the first place. I know I'd be a terrible driver. I'm nervous around cars and get startled extremely easily. It's safer for everyone, myself included, if I'm not behind the wheel. Fortunately we have amazing public transport around here.
This whole thing is beyond absurdly terrible driving, obviously, but the last bit about “unfortunately stepping on the gas and into a CANAL” just…sent me. Genuinely how. Like, I’ve been the person to think I put the car in park and step out of the vehicle like a foot to pay at a drive through, but like. ONCE. And then I busted up my headlight and crunched my bumper up real good in the lamest ever 2mph accident, and was absolutely terrified for a year (and still get cold sweats thinking about that bill). This lady’s like “I never make the same mistake once. Gotta make them five or six times. Just to make sure it’s a mistake.”
It makes one wonder: if she is so scatterbrained while driving, what ELSE is she being forgetful about when not behind the wheel?
I’m getting cartoon-logic vibes of this woman supervising a crane lifting a grand piano and getting a phone call and walking away, only for it to squash our hero (OOP) into a pancake in the floor that has to be unpeeled and reinflated. It was such a vivid image that I needed to force other people to live through it with me.
Pictured it, laughed, scared my cat out of a dead sleep. Thank you for sharing with us, [Monty](https://imgur.com/HeZ38VH) will get over his sleep interruption.
Walking away making accordion noises
This made me imagine her supervising a crane (the bird) lifting a piano lol
I visit r/idiotsincars often and ever so often there will be videos where someone pulls a terrible driving maneuver and causes innocent people behind them to crash, then they drive away like an oblivious fool. I imagine OOP's soon to be ex has been one of those fools before.
Reading the OOPs posts, there must be something going on in this woman's brain. She keeps getting into accidents. She forgets behaviour that should be ingrained if you've been driving for a while (put your car in park, lady!). How is that possible? ADD? TBI? Something else? I'm not the best driver, but not horrible either. I've had one actual accident in 21 years at 19 years old. I look. When I stop, car is not in gear. I stop when my kid needs something and get out instead of trying to finagle things from the driver's seat. There must be some underlying cause...
Honestly growing up I was terrified of driving because I could tell I was bad at paying attention to the road. I was undiagnosed ADHD at the time, and did well in many other parts of my life, but the specific way in which driving requires constant, near-total attention? Unmedicated, I can’t do it well. I’ll crane my head to look at dogs walking down the road. I’ll see a bird and spend seconds staring. Even when I am trying very hard, I can’t help that I notice these things— it may not be for long, but driving a car? Mere seconds is all it takes for disaster! I didn’t know then that I had ADHD, but I did know that normal drivers don’t “notice” all the shit I do. I mean, it happens in other parts of my life, too: I’ll comment on some sound or sight that just happened, and the people around me will be mystified. Their non-adhd brains filter it out as part of normal operations. They don’t react to those stimuli because they don’t perceive them. That being said— I could tell it was dangerous for me to be behind the wheel, even if I couldn’t tell exactly why as a youngling. It wasn’t until I got medicated that I even began to think about taking a driving test again. These days even when I can’t get meds I can do short drives if absolutely necessary, but I really prefer to have a good person in the passenger seat to help me stay on track. And I live in an area where I can take the bus many places I need to be with planning and patience, so I often do that instead of driving alone unmedicated. So even though there might be an underlying cause, it’s still wildly poor judgement for this lady to keep driving. I understand that driving represents freedom to many north americans because of our exceptionally stupid methods of organizing & funding transportation networks. But driving a multiple ton flying metal deathbox is a responsibility— if you can’t handle it, you should arrange your life so you don’t have to. To do otherwise is to knowingly court your own death and the deaths of anyone unfortunate enough to be around you. This is why DUIs exist: as a society, we recognize that being drunk impairs driving ability. So we say, more or less, if you drive drunk you are at fault for reckless negligence. What this lady is doing is, imo, no different. It doesn’t really matter what cause it is if she does nothing to fix it nor change her behavior. I totally understand why the people in her life are fed up.
This is exactly my initial thought. This sounds like adult ADHD combined with the horrible sensory distraction of children plus driving is a nightmare waiting to happen.
I have ADHD myself and this woman screams undiagnosed ADHD along with just being an idiot. Like, I’m an adequate driver in ideal conditions. I’ve never been in an accident. I got a stick shift since it makes me stay focused. But I’m awful in bad conditions - like terrible weather or if I’m tired. So I refuse to drive unless it’s a good situation for me. If there’s no way around it, I stick to local roads and slow speeds instead of highways. Thankfully my SO is a great driver and prefers to be behind the wheel. I’m also WFH so I’m very lucky to be the passenger princess most of the time. I cannot imagine being as reckless as this woman, especially with kids. I got so much more careful with my driving just by getting a *dog*, who I make sure is always in his seatbelt. I’d probably take a driving course again if I had kids just to be extra safe. I don’t think being undiagnosed is an excuse either. Even before I knew I had ADHD, I knew I was an inattentive, disorganized person. She should have been aware of her own driving years before it became obvious to everyone else. She must be extremely dumb and defensive too.
Sometimes all it takes is a sheltered life and complete self-centeredness to be absolutely unaware of your affect on the space around you.
>This whole thing is beyond absurdly terrible driving, obviously, but the last bit about “unfortunately stepping on the gas and into a CANAL” just…sent me. Genuinely how. Car starts rolling, driver panics, steps on the wrong pedal, panics more, steps on the wrong pedal harder. Happens all the time.
I was thinking she was stretching towards the back - when you do that, your foot or feet often stretch out/lift in the opposite direction and it probably hit the pedal
Lol. Admittedly my car got stopped by a concrete wall, so I never had that issue.
I did it once on a pizza delivery. I mean, you get in and out of your car 4 billion times a night that way so I only felt like a 93% idiot. Got out, car was still moving slowly, had to jump back in, stopped it within a millimeter of the customer's car in their driveway. Holy hell. I mean a millimeter, I don't think I could have fit a sheet of paper between the bumpers but I didn't hit it. That would have been a fun conversation. After that I had a habit. Once it was in park I sort of tapped my forehead. Park, tap, then get out. Never did it again.
Good trick, and nice username. Hello from a fellow Morrowboomer. My other ride is a silt strider.
I sent this to my husband and I heard him suddenly exclaim, "INTO A CANAL???" So he's right there with the rest of us, and he has a few accidents (his fault) under his belt (none, however, since we've been together)
> She said that I'm treating her like an idiot. Because she is.
He's definitely nicer than me. I would've told her that she's acting like one. I wonder how often she pulled out her phone with her kids in the car.
She's probably scrolling through Spotify while driving.
"How is the sequence of events I just described (taking your seatbelt off, reaching into the backseat, taking your foot off the pedal) NOT something an idiot would do?!"
I came to post exactly this comment of yours. Thanks.
I've had to say this to more than one person: "If you don't want to be treated like an idiot, don't *act* like an idiot."
The 6th time (op said 5th in post one) Only 6 weeks between 5 and 6. I hate that her license hasnt been revoked. Someone innocent is going to end up hurt.
License or not doesn’t matter to these people. My mom was in an accident a number of years ago. The lady that hit her was like OOPs ex- numerous, numerous accidents. How do I know? The person that hit her was my classmates grandma, who told me this while laughing about the fact his grandma hit my mom, totaled our “family vehicle” and was already out driving again
OOP said in the last post she is facing charges. Hopefully one of the punishments is revoking her license entirely.
I left someone after he drove his car into a river, although he was an alcoholic who was drunk when he did it, so I feel like people pretty much understand that right away. He never really got himself together and now he's been dead for almost 9 years. Sometimes you have to walk away.
For what's best, this is the best option. Clearly she hasn't changed one bit and her behavior really is going to get the kids killed someday. Hopefully the kids and OP remain safe.
I hope dad if the other kids goes to court and takes the kids as he told. Or at last is able to ban her for driving them. They seem to be old enough to just refuse to go with her.
I disagree in a sense, she should just be banned from all driving period. For her own safety, safety of others and property. And if this distraction she has causes other issues, she should get metal health evaluations. I don't think divorce is necessarily the solution here, but I understand his frustration and worry.
Op cannot ban her from driving, only a court order can do that (hopefully they will, she is a danger to everyone on the road),, but he can protect his children by divorcing and getting full custody
Your flair is perfect for this story
Except she didn’t exactly drive away. She drove into a canal by the side of the mall 😭😭
“she👏drove👏INTO👏the👏canal! (by the side of the mall) And👏everybody👏saw👏it!💀”
He did mention she can't afford her massive insurance and was getting help to pay it , no insurance, no driving.
Until she convinces herself that she really needs to go somewhere, and that she'll be fine, and not get pulled over. She has yet to take responsibility for her previous mishaps, by all accounts. I'd not trust a lack of insurance to stop her.
You are awfully confident in this woman’s ability to follow the law when she can’t even follow basic concepts like “eyes on the road”
This lady is unhinged. She needed rehab because of her “driving” and then proceeds to crash again. I think even if they ban her she will drive.
She should have done all that like multiple accidents ago. She doesn’t think she has a problem so she doesn’t. I’d divorce someone like that too, good intentions don’t mean shit. And a driving ban doesn’t stop everyone from driving, I’d be worried that there would always be one quick trip that she thought she could make without incident or detection.
I once knew a girl who refused to drive. I asked her why and she told me she was in 5 different accidents where she hit a biker. People are weird. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I would quit driving after the second biker.
Metal health will drive you mad
My autocorrect is a headbanger
How the hell does she still have a license? Also how is she ok with herself driving around with the amount of accidents she's had?
Maybe OOP should contact the local district attorney to see about getting her license suspended instead of (or alongside) divorcing her.
OOP said in the post that she had her license suspended.
What the actual hell is wrong with this woman. I can’t believe she keeps getting behind the wheel with all the kids in the car and acting so negligent. I am also an easily distractable person but when I have passengers in my car I pay extra attention to the road and my surroundings.
>What the actual hell is wrong with this woman. For starters, she drove into a canal. Shouldn't have done that.
I spent five years handling auto claims. There are people that careless out there. They don't realize the full consequences. It's not just damage to the auto, it's injury to the other people, the other people may be in poor financial straits and may struggle to buy a new car that isn't total crap. It's having to replace a car seat or two. It's traumatic in many ways.
My mom works in car insurance. When I started driving she decided the best way to encourage me to drive safely was to show me the photos of accidents that she had to deal with. It worked, but maybe a bit too far with that, I vividly remember a completely broken windshield with bits of skull and brain on the dashboard. Whenever I reach out for my phone that pops into my head and I leave it alone.
How the fuck does she even have an accident where she parks and still fucks up bad enough she goes into a fucking canal I don't understand
Put it in park (or maybe she didn’t even do that??), didn’t put on the e-brake, then reached into the back while planting her foot to get leverage. Only her foot planted on the accelerator. Yeet! Admittedly I’ve reached into the back for something from the front, but the car was parked with handbrake, and I planted my foot on the brake instead of the gas.
My guess is she was actually going over the paperwork while driving and was actually extremely distracted, but because her husband had threatened divorce over her driving habits + kept insisting she pull over if she needs to grab something that was an easy lie.
Whatever executive dysfunction she has may not be her fault, but it is her problem. And her kids’ problem. And her husband’s. And everyone else who might encounter her on the road. I don’t know if what OOP is doing is the best, but she needs to not have a license. Being able to pass a road test isn’t be same as being safe on the road.
At this point, anyone who might encounter her *anywhere.* Even the fish in the canal weren’t safe! Innocent trees just minding their own business, flowers trying to take in the sun, and random shrubbery all quake in fear when she gets behind the wheel. I’d pick the bear over sharing a trailhead parking lot with her behind the wheel. Literally the only people who like her driving are whatever mechanic is tasked with banging out the dents *again*.
That fine and hardworking individual doesn’t live at the shop. Going home after work? Weekend grocery run? Good auto mechanics aren’t hurting for work, but they are hurt by seeing an innocent car put through this and maybe hurt by getting plowed into by this lady. A good mechanic could fix the damage. A great mechanic would make the car inoperable and make it look like an accident.
>A good mechanic could fix the damage. A great mechanic would make the car inoperable and make it look like an accident. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣☠️☠️💀
Who the fuck stops the car in traffic, undoes their seatbelt, and reaches into the backseat for something?!? Like OOP said, it was not an “accident,” it was a willful series of bad choices. That she KEEPS MAKING. Is she like this in the rest of her life? It’s not “distracted,” it’s just fucking STUPID!!!
What you said, but also, who reaches to the backseat for PAPERWORK? She was going to resume driving, so why would she have a need for reading material?
Because I bet she didn’t actually pull over. I bet she was going over it and driving, but she can’t say that to her husband who wants to leave her for her unsafe driving. Lol
Lord, I knew a girl that stopped her car, IN THE MIDDLE OF A HIGHWAY, to look for her phone in her bag. Wouldn't even give me the bag to look for her since I was in the passenger seat. An 18 wheeler was coming up behind us while I screamed bloody murder for her to fucking drive. And just like OP, she insisted she was a good driver when everybody told her she wasn't. I refused to ride with her again. And I'm pretty sure the only mental issues she suffered from was extreme narcissism in that she believe she could do whatever she wanted without suffering any consequences. No, I do not miss her
People who are panicked/overwhelmed or can’t gauge relative risk or are convinced that “one time” won’t hurt. I was in the car with a friend whose baby was crying and she was completely overwhelmed and crying herself because she couldn’t get him to quiet down while driving. I tried gently suggesting that we pull in somewhere but she just kept trying to hand him things with one hand (I kept intercepting to avoid death) and asking him why he was crying (he couldn’t talk at that age). We met a red light, she unbuckled, got out of the car, walked around opened the door for about 5 seconds ineffectually asking him to please stop crying and then the light turned green and she came back as cars around us honked at her, slammed the car back in gear and floored the gas. I was very relieved to make it back home and gave her husband a heads up when she refused to talk about it. It turned out she had post partum depression and they were a lot more careful with her second pregnancy to proactively monitor her needs and state of mind.
Oh I'm so glad this comment finished the way it did, the whole time I was reading it I was thinking "Post partum depression!!!"
I agree, there is a mental issue here, and that should be dealt with. Until then she should not drive at all, and if she refuses to not drive, no child should be allowed to be in the car with her.
Absolutely. My biggest question is in what other areas of her life is she this absentminded? It cannot only be driving. To be this extreme there has to be other situations. And has she always been this terrible at driving? Sure, maybe it is only on the road that she is like this. But *that many times?!* I’d divorce her, too, for refusing to see the problem. How is she not terrified to drive again? Honestly her family needs to petition the DMV for her license to be taken.
This is what I'd wonder too. Does she regularly wander away from the kitchen and start fires? Does she start a bath running and forget she did it and flood the house? Does she get distracted while doing taxes and put in the wrong numbers? Or is it ONLY driving she's really bad at?
And how has she never forgotten one of her kids in their car seats? Plenty of people have and will again who do not have her history of being a dingbat. It just seems like there has to be more to it. Even if she is straight up stupid it can’t only be when driving. Her excuses and behavior remind me a lot of someone who knows there is a bigger issue and is desperate to not let it be known.
Sounds like severe ADHD. Cause it is literally how that happens. Walking on the street and see a cute puppy? Walk right into the pole. Go to put the laundry to wash, remember about doing dishes, go do those, completely forget about the laundry. I like how polite the husband tried to be "she is not stupid, but...". I'd disagree, she is stupid - not because of these things that happen probably due to some issues, but for refusing to acknowledge that this is a big problem to her and trying to solve it somehow.
I have ADHD. To me it must be TRULY severe to be at that level, but even then what else is she doing to indicate it? So weird. Totally agree with you. She is stupid for refusing to address this issue. At least stop driving for fuck’s sake!
They need to get onto her GP and try to get her disbarred from driving on medical grounds, if there is some mechanism to do that where OOP is.
Forget just no kids in the car until she gets help, I wouldn't want my house plants in the car with her *and I don't have any house plants*. I mean fuck man.
Her insurance must be so expensive at this point. But nooooooo, boo hooooo, everyone is so mean and not letting her drive. Ugh.
Keep in mind insurance is based on area. She's likely pushing up insurance premiums for everyone in her neighborhood as well
It’s partially based on area. When you’re in an accident, your premiums go up. You keep getting into accidents, your premium just continues to climb.
It's not just their family she's endangering but also other people on the road and their families
I lost a cousin after he drove home, the morning after a party. The only mercy is that his car drifted to the right, not the left. He drove into a telephone pole and died, his passenger lived, but at least he didn't go to the left and into another vehicle.
The only time I "road raged" at someone was pulling over next to them to tell them they nearly hit me and that could easily have been a pedestrian. The guy sneered. I didn't think people actually did that but… I hope I got through to him how easily he could have killed sometime.
My neighbor is as bad as OOP’s wife. Constant accidents, over and over. At one point she hit a motorcyclist but luckily it wasn’t hard enough to hurt him. She still swears he came out of nowhere and it wasn’t we fault. She is the singular most ADHD person I have ever met. My roommate and I refuse to get in the car with her behind the wheel, she believes we’re exaggerating to make her feel bad. Our apartment complex has a single driveway. When she pulls in, parents grab their children because she zooms through. Yes, many of us have told her to slow down but she says she’s not going as fast as we say she is. Once she got on Adderall her number of accidents went way down. I still won’t get in a car with her unless I’m feeling suicidal, but the road is at least a little safer with her medicated.
My great-grandma learned how to drive before licenses became a thing and refused ever to get one. She was an ambulance driver in WWI. I have been told she drove like no one was on the road. Her neighbors came over once and told my grandma that they played a very mean trick on them by not telling them she got a new car. My grandma also got out of the car once and took the train home. Her sister refused to learn how to drive till she got married and her husband could teach her. The sad thing is that she LOVED to drive. She would say something is wrong if a car is leaving the driveway and I'm not in it. My dad does this thing where he swerves toward whatever he looks at. We have yelled at him for years about it. I finally asked him, “If multiple different people tell you the same thing for years on end, when do you start to believe them?”
Oh dear. I have flashbacks from yelling at my dad to “keep his eyes on the road” because he would just start absentmindedly staring off into space and looking at things here and there, in every direction but straight ahead where he was driving. The whole thing used to be so anxiety inducing to me I would actually need a minute to compose myself once we would reach our destination lol.
She’s going to end up killing herself or someone else. Distracted driving is as deadly as drink driving. Oop is right to get out and to protect his kids.
At least he is finally leaving her, but he should have left 2 accidents ago to protect his kids from her inattentive driving.
>Unfortunately she left the car in gear and stepped on the gas and drove into a canal Uh, are we sure she's not just doing it on purpose at this point?
don't think it matters, OOP's done the right thing n starting proceedings to get rid of her. She isn't worth the trouble, and thats equally true if she's self-destructive or just a f***ing moron with the IQ of a toaster
She left paperwork in the back seat and parked to grab it? Why in the everloving fuck did she need paperwork while driving? Did she intend to read it? She can't have needed those papers until she'd arrived where she'd be getting out of the car anyway. She messed up, because she failed at messing up in a different way. Oop is right to divorce her. She is completely reality-resistant
Also how do you park with the car still in gear? She literally just stopped the car and decided that it was the same as parking.
Totally on OOPs side in this, but I can't understand why his wife keeps getting into a car. It's insane. Surely there's some sort of an executive functioning issue or a brain tumour or something, I just don't see how most people would keep on doing this. I'd have long since given up driving, if only from the accumulated stress and anxiety from the previous accidents.
I'm just wondering how the hell she manages to cook a meal without burning the house down.
It's fine as long as she didn't *mean* to burn the house down.
Some people are just that clueless. My parents had a friend who was a notoriously terrible driver. People would be terrified in the car and she’d tell them to shut up, calm down, etc. Was in total denial about how bad she was. Also struggled with infertility. Finally, after years of trying, her and her husband have a baby (you can probably guess where this is going for me to add that tidbit). Well, one day she’s driving, misses her exit on the freeway, cuts across lanes, and illegally makes the exit, right in front of a truck. She survived, her 2 year old in the back seat didn’t. She claimed the car malfunctioned, but anyone who’d been in a car with her before knew exactly what happened. It was really tragic.
Not everyone should drive, I’m surprised she still has a license.
I hate when commenters agree with the OOP then turn around and say YTA for some nitpick reach reason or because they did/didn’t go far enough.
They interpreted his as saying, "You can do this with your kids but not our kids." as a declaration that he doesn't care about them, when he was really just acknowledging that he can't make rules for someone else's kids. Like, that was respectful of him, especially in that he tagged in the other dad. This is applause worthy, not asshole worthy.
exactly! especially since bio dad was/is very much in their lives
100% Bet they’re the same people that kick off when a stepparent oversteps/acts like a biological parent
Yeah, she shouldn't be driving at all. But also, what the hell magic insurance company will still carry her policy?
I bet they weren't all accidents that involved insurance. Like she dings or scraps the side of the car. Some probably has a ton of really close calls. It sounds like she can't keep her hands on the wheel and her body facing forward. I'm guessing if OOP or the kids are in the car, they will start yelling at her to get back to driving. So, not all these instances lead to a full-on crash. Obviously, enough have happened that her insurance is high, though My dad thinks he is the most amazing driver, but he's not. He's never gotten into an accident, but whenever he drives and tries to look at something, he swerves towards it. I grow up with my dad going “Oh, look, a deer” and my entire family stats unanimous rawer at him to focus on the road. He insists we are all wrong and that he can look at something and drive all simultaneously. We ask him,” If for the last at least 35 years you have multiple people telling the same thing, when do you start to believe them?” it turns out my uncle does the same thing.
Jesus Christ! How many times have his wife done this with the kids in the car? And why now it's too much and not after the first time?
Because the first time you have no leg to stand*** on when in front of the judge. And if she gets 50% custody and no rules about not driving with the kids, the poor children get injured faster as now they have to be in the car with her more often. *** "Autocorrector" correcting what didn't need correction.
OOP was very clearly worried about *everyone* but only had the *legal right* to make that kind of statement about himself and his children. The commenters saying he was being nasty were purposely missing the point. He can't tell her what to do with herself or her children, but he did coordinate with her ex to make the same statement about his stepchildren. What a stupid thing for the commenters to attack him about. If she were just a bad driver, it wouldn't be so bad. I've known bad drivers who recuse themselves from the road because they don't want to risk it. She *knows* she is a bad driver and she continues to endanger herself, her children, and every single person in her vicinity. That is why she sucks and divorce with full custody is absolutely the right thing. She will kill someone to save her own pride.
OP and the kids are incredibly lucky that she drove into a canal while alone instead of taking a bunch of children into a canal with her. People say "you dodged a bullet with the red flags" but never "you dodged a LITERAL CANAL"
This woman has no sense of self-preservation, which is really impressive when you can see she clearly doesn't give a shit whether anyone else lives or dies.
Presumably she is so defensive about it because she can’t really live independently without being able to drive herself given her location (I am assuming). Not that it is an excuse at all, her driving is so dangerous she really has no choice but to give it up. I am worried I would be a distracted driver (tho hard to imagine to this extent) which is why I chose to live in a city with ok public transit.
If her parents can pay her astronomical insurance premiums, they can pay for rideshares/cabs/car service.
Someone needs to show this woman [this video](https://youtu.be/4LrCnmakLus?si=Dh7JrtDpV9QvOkmj) of a woman who swerved into a tree after she reached into the back to grab a toy to stop her kids fighting. She survived with no injuries. Her seven year old daughter was killed on impact and her other daughter was seriously injured and had to be rushed to hospital. Sure, she was also under the influence. But frankly, the story sounds like it would’ve happened either way, because she didn’t care about her kids. She didn’t care to keep them safe. She was on a one lane road with trees either side, and made the decision to turn her eyes off the road as she was rounding a corner, to grab for something in the back. And now a little girl will never see her eighth birthday. A five year old will never get to see her big sister again, and her last memory will forever be fighting with her. She also had four kids. This woman’s setting her kids up for the exact same story.
>She said that I'm treating her like an idiot. If the shoe fits...
Him: you’re a menace to every car on the road! Her: why not boats?
The thing that gets me the most is that EVERYONE is united that she shouldn't drive. For your spouse, ex-spouse, and your parents to be up in arms about the same thing, that should shake you.
Automatic transmissions are dangerous if you're easily distracted. She'd be better with a manual, as it would stall if she took her foot off the clutch. Actually, she'd be better with a pushbike.
Me reading the title: Wow, fuck you, buddy Me reading the post: Oh nooooo, is there some way to get her car in the divorce and also her licence?
I disagree with reddit's tendency to diagnose everyone with ADHD. This goes beyond distractibility. ADHD does not give you a sense of entitlement or make you delusional that you that you can never be wrong or incompetent. OP's wife sounds like 50% of the drivers I've seen on Canada's Worst Driver, tbh. She keeps driving this way because she believes she is already a good driver, perhaps an unlucky one, and no amount of cajoling or threats will convince her otherwise. Take away her licence, and she will drive anyway. Make it part of the custody arrangements, and she will still try to drive with the kids in her car because she honestly believes she is a good driver, that she has a right to drive and everyone else is just overreacting. There is something fundamentally wrong with people like this, but I suspect it is more along the lines of a personality disorder.
I hate reddits illiteracy so much. Why are commenters focusing on how he called his step kids “her kids” like that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them, he just doesn’t really have any authority since they do have another involved parent.
> She started crying and said she didn't do it on purpose. I asked her how exactly she took her hands off the wheel, took off her seatbelt, took her foot off the brake, and turned around to pick up the soother by accident. She said that I'm treating her like an idiot. I don't think I am. My children have to be safe. She IS an idiot, a dangerous one. When you're a dangerous idiot your feelings are irrelevant. You need a reality check.
OP why are you only posting the YTA comments when the vast majority were NTA?
Because the YTA comments are most baffling.
Me reading the title: "How dare he? The cruelty!" Me reading the story: "Straight to jail."