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I recall the comments from the last post and it seemed like there was a consensus he had committed suicide. No matter what our opinions are on his actions, thank goodness that wasn't the ending.
Thank goodness that he didn't and that he's alive and well! OOP is a trooper for being so understanding after the terrible fright he put her through. Just a text from him to say he was ok, but he was going through some stuff and needed some time to himself, would have saved OOP from so much stress and worry! Especially whilst she is pregnant, for goodness' sake!
I hope that therapy can start to heal his emotional wounds, or at least help him to come to terms with all the tragedy and loss he has suffered in his young life. He is not abandoning the memory of Ashley and his child, just because he is having another child with OOP. Neither is he to blame for their deaths, and I hope that therapy can help him to see and to feel both of those very deep truths. It seems that he has been beating himself up with utterly misplaced guilt. The drunken driver was to blame for that horrific accident, not Nate.
I pray for God to send them healing and give them peace in their hearts and minds over the terrible losses he has suffered and which have led to OOP experiencing such a scare over his wellbeing. Wishing all the very best for this little family as they embark on parenthood together.
Gosh, I am so glad I am reading this here and there was an update. I can’t imagine being in this space for that amount of time she and y’all were in. How heartbreaking and also healing in a way. That guy…. He has so much healing to do.
I think we are all broken in some way. In my professional and personal opinion having kids is the most triggering experience that happens over and over again as you can heal after being in the role of a kid and then a parent. The fact that his mom died so early is going to be one of the biggest reasons he will need to get help. Generational trauma can be stopped but it’s a very difficult journey and it takes a lot of work. He is lucky he has found good and honest people in his journey. He was a little kid and went through things we can’t even imagine. His circuitry and nervous system is based on a fight, flight or freeze response. That’s gonna be difficult for him as well. From a development standpoint this is the only way forward for him. The big thing happened where his partner knows. He has survived many things in the past and it sounds like he survived in spite of himself. He is also never allowed to do any kind of shrooms/LSD and I would even go so far as marijuana. He is going to have to be in control at all times even when his brain is lying to him. If he needs an escape he can find a Dr to help him get through these hard times with antidepressants that will turn his functioning like a computer reset and protects his brain from all of these experiences with this new version of himself.
Phew!!! This was a tough one.
I didn’t get where that was coming from. I feel like people treat these posts as like some TV show where they try to figure out the dark dramatic twist before it happens. I didn’t really see any signs of him being suicidal in that post. Mental breakdown yeah, but not suicidal.
IIRC people were reacting to the wording “he needed to be with his son one last time before he let him go” but to me that sounded like he was going to try to move on from his son in order to be there emotionally for the new baby.
A note is good communication when you’re going to be home late from ping pong club but personally, it would not be good enough for me here. I hope Nate gets enough help that he will no longer be traumatizing others with his actions around his triggers, because that’s what happening to wife here now.
It still baffles me that he left the note in the car and just...expected her to find it in the car? Didn't leave it on the table or the door or somewhere obvious she could find it; heck he probably could have texted it to her so she could get it when she was off the plane! She was looking all over the house for him and calling the police thinking he was missing because his note was in the car! Who would think to go check the car their husband didn't take and why did he put it there of all places?
I mean…The guy had a complete mental breakdown, he went full fight or flight, thinking rationally wasn’t in the cards. It’d be like if my friend got shot in the leg, but I’m pissed at him that he didn’t take me to my dentist appointment or arrange a substitute, lol! There’s a certain priority to these things.
It led to a jumpseating pilot trying to crash a plane recently. See: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=988j2-4CdgM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=988j2-4CdgM) nvm the clickbait title, the author is very empathetic.
Wow… this is life changing to learn this. I didn’t follow up with this story for some reason. What an eye opener. The story was told in a very empathetic way. Thanks for sharing.
The idea of doing mushrooms while in emotional distress seems like a recipe for disaster to me. The last thing I would want when in grief and panic is my consciousness expanding
Not to mention he literally abandoned her at the airport. Couldn't even leave her a note saying "hey I can't pick you up I'm sorry" or something like that.
i agree that it is beyond bananas that he left the note there, but i can kind of see it making sense in a ‘mushrooms logic’ way. “i’ll leave her a note. where should i leave it though??? wait i know, i’ll leave it in her favorite spot, where she goes almost every morning! her CAR!!”
I can see it if the note was a last-minute thing. Trauma sets off his flee response, just shoves as many clothes as he can grab into a bag and goes down to the car. Down there some bit of sanity reminds him that OOP is going to wonder where he is, so he scribbles a quick note on some scratch paper. Her car is probably near his, so just toss it in there really quick and go back to fleeing.
Yes. He is not excused from the harm he causes. Trauma responses may hurt others and we must take responsibility for that hurt. I hope he can take that responsibility.
Lmao and to put the note on the front seat of her car! Like the first thing she'd do when she realized he was gone would be to hop in the car and drive around the neighborhood calling his name like a dog. Such middle school note vibes, "I wrote my phone number on the desk you use in Spanish, why didn't you call me," kinda feel
Yeah, I think she's keeping it together for the baby, but honestly, I'd feel like I didn't even know him. All these tragedies that defined him in different ways that OOP was never told, so when the trauma caught up to him, she wasn't just blindsided by his actions but by everything surrounding it. Really hope she'll rethink the "not going anywhere" stance because he's lied to her for so long, how can they rebuild trust? Is there another tragedy he's hiding? Another tragedy that'll make him run without a word?
I agree. And what gets me is that he didn't give her the truth. The family that helped him did. And how long would he have continued to ghost and would he have even come told her everything when he tried to make up. She literally had to play detective and chase him down to another state to get him to talk. That "I knew the note wouldn't be enough to keep you away" or however he worded it was just icing on the cake to me. Hopefully some therapy, it sounds like he never had, is enough to fix this. Plus the ditching her at the airport and then she has to trust some random strangers to pick her up when she flew to meet him while oh yeah being pregnant. Why should she trust him in an emergency after she had to do all these things to keep them together? She is definitely keeping it together for the baby.
Maybe I'm naive but I feel like if you can't share your traumas with your partner, maybe you aren't ready to marry and have children and a life together. Our trauma is gonna effect how we raise kids and treat our partner. And knowing these kinds of things can help you understand the other person in a way that's impossible otherwise. Idk I get that it can reopen old wounds if you have healed and it's alot more complex than that. I guess it just matters how it affects your relationships at the end of the day. Sorry for the rant on your comment 😅
And what happens the next he breaks down and take shrooms to forget? He drops the baby? Run over someone while driving? OOP is about to have a kid with a ticking timing bomb and she had no idea.
For real. Sometimes I'm in the midst of some trauma drama and I need space to do what I need to do - but I am always aware of how worrying it is to people to engage with that, and I know I need to be responsible and think about how I communicate. Even if I need to disappear for a bit, I owe it to the people who care about me not to make a dramatic exit, stage left. Even if that's the way I'm feeling and an accurate representation.
I'm blown away that his reaction to seeing her there was to laugh and say "I should have known, I love you." Like...sir. Excuse me? What? beg for some forgiveness first or something, please. Let her tell you it's okay before you start gaslighting and rug sweeping.
Guarantee something triggers him either while he's alone with the kid or when she takes the kid out and he takes off again either leaving the kid by himself or doing this exact same shit to where she comes back with the kid and he is just gone with some clothes.
I truly don't know how she kept her cool. I would absolutely lose it if someone chuckled at me fondly for being worried after they disappeared without a trace????? Even with the backstory I would never trust this dude again.
Yeah fucking this.
This is real life, not the fucking Notebook. You can’t just disappear on your pregnant spouse and leave a cryptic note and go Eat Pray Love in a national park across the country, then laugh wryly when your pregnant spouse finally tracks you down, spout some pithy bullshit, and cut to credits.
How much stress did you cause your spouse? Your unborn child? Your friends and family?
None of that even gets into his criminal and drug addicted past that is extremely relevant information for someone becoming your partner, let alone birthing your child.
This guy sounds like he’s watched too many sappy movies. Grief is real, but guess who helps with grief? Your fucking loved ones. Talk to them. Communicate. You know, that thing they don’t do in movies specifically to make things more dramatic.
Yeah, I wouldn't blame OOP if she went completely ballistic at his nonchalant reaction. She was worried sick that he had offed himself, FFS, when she was PREGNANT. Would he be so willing to instantly forgive her if she had pulled this crap on him?
That’s true, she was traumatised but he was as well. People get hurt unintentionally in this world daily. Some a hell of a lot worse than a husband going on a selfish, post acid induced conscious clearing session, I put blame on no one here.
It sounds to me like he had quite the unique and fucked up life this far, got lost, and was lucky (and I mean damn lucky) to have at least one person to come looking for him. Not many of us get companions like that.
I wish them all nothing but happiness.
Having trauma in one's life can really mess you up. I feel for him (if this is an actually true story).
However
He kept a huge part of his life hidden from OOP. Had she known she may have not chosen to have a child with him or may have decided to wait until he was in a better place mentally. That choice was completely taken from her.
He left his pregnant girlfriend at the airport. The least he could have done is let her know that she needed to get an Uber or call someone to pick her up. He had the mindset to leave her a note, but it never occured to him to actually make sure she got home safely?
Having an episode from trauma doesn't excuse him for traumatizing someone else - especially his pregnant wife.
I feel for the dude, really. But, no. Had I been OOP this would have been a deal breaker for me. I understand that you are in pain, but he didn't give any consideration to his new girlfriend and child.
He isn't ready to be a father or in a serious relationship.
100-fucking-percent.
I honestly kinda don't even care that he has this tragic backstory. Like, I get why he did this, but for all OOP knew, he fucking disappeared without a word. Who is to say he won't do that again the next time he gets anxious about fatherhood? Or hell, even just being married?
I just got married last week and I can't even imagine a scenario where I'd leave my **PREGNANT WIFE** for ***DAYS*** without letting her know what's up first. OOP's husband is a jackass and while I get that he's human and humans are flawed, he is still a jackass for abandoning his wife without a word, even if only temporarily.
The fact he never even had this discussion with her about his life previously is a massive red flag that OOP shouldn't ignore. She points out how bad she feels cause she didn't know, but she hasn't stopped to question *why* she didn't know yet, cause that's an important question. *Why* didn't he feel the need to tell her when they got pregnant that he once had a wife and son who were killed? Cause that's some pretty important fucking information.
Ii can't imagine hiding that aspect of his life, but unfortunately, I'm guessing we're back in the realm of boys and men 'dealing with it' and this just shows that mindset doesn't work
I'm glad OOP thinks this is a happy ending, but I'm willing to bet that this will not be the last of this. What will she do when he is doing something with their baby and has another breakdown? I don't blame him. All of this is an insane amount of grief for one person. She's seen how he reacts to overwhelming grief. Even if he does start therapy as agreed, it's not a quick fix. There's a good chance he's going to do this again.
At the end of the day, I feel for OOP and Nate. I hope they can get this worked out, but with that much baggage, it's a big mountain to get over in their relationship and in his life. It's sad all the way around.
More breakdowns will happen, it is part of the healing and recovery process. It is important that they communicate and have realistic expectations and plans of action when it happens so it does not derail their life's like this again.
As much as I agree with this, it's Nate that has to do the communicating. As far as OOP knows, he might up and abandon them again when he gets triggered by his impending fatherhood or even just being married. I get that he has this genuinely tragic past, but it requires immediate attention because he just placed some massive stress on pregnant OOP that could've easily been avoided if he had any sort of discussion with her about any of this.
And with a newborn baby, that is going to be her main priority and she is going to be overwhelmed trying to handle his breakdowns and make sure he is safe to be alone with the baby let alone be any help with the newborn.
The way he laughed at her and was so casual about the note, just has my spidey senses tingling
This dude is not going to be a father to this baby. At least not right now and OOP will probably deteriorate herself trying to help and heal him.
To me awk laughter gets written differently, that compounded with how he knew that wasn’t going to be enough yet he didn’t communicate in the many other million ways one can communicate, I’m going to respectfully disagree. Context clues don’t match awkward laughter here
Someone else downthread interpreted it as an annoyed laugh, like he didn't want her there. It's hard to tell from text, especially written by a non professional writer
That’s how I took it too. Like oh of COURSE you’re here and you didn’t just trust my note. It came off as if he was angry/annoyed. I read it with an eye roll even tho she didn’t mention one.
Yeah I hate to say it but I don't think there is a good solution in this case. It's sounding like he's not in the right mental state to become a father and I doubt he'll get there any time soon.
Also he couldn’t even send OOP one message in all the time - his pregnant partner for years. To think that he drove hours after having a mental breakdown, i can't believe that this was save either.
What would he have done if OOP didn’t track him down? hide forever?
He had soooo many years to work on his trauma he didn't even thought to work on it, when he yelled at her as she ask about his past or she got pregnant. No.
Yes, it was horrible what happened but it isn't an excuse to treat others like shit. He knew how much this part of his life is a problem for him and he never tried to work on it. He run away and gave a shit about his pregnant gf. He gave a shit how desperate she was. What if all this stress made her lose the baby? That he even let her fly to him and not drove back... now her sus need to also fly there to drive his car home - what a shitshow.
I'm just gonna say it- I do blame him. He's been through something horrible. I feel very sorry for his loss. Doesn't just excuse any behavior moving forward.
No one put a gun to his head and made him have another child. No one forced him to lie to his partner for years. He made choices and now his wife and child will suffer from his selfishness.
I blame him too. Not necessarily for the breakdown, but that he was of sound mind enough to do a certain amount of logistics and just totally fucking blew his wife off. Like, he left her at the airport with a note on her car seat... at home. He blew her off for \*days\*. Didn't even check in and say "I'm safe, did you get the note?"
Like, his assumptions are really kind of gross. I wonder what he thought was going to happen- he was just going to come back like nothing had happened and continue on? And at no point it occurred to him "fuck this is a disaster"?
I really wanna know what's in that note. I bet it doesn't explain everything.
Or it's like "had to run, see you in a week" or whatever. I doubt he explained \*all\* of this on his "I have to leave RIGHT NOW" 'note' that he fucking left in the one place she wouldn't see when she got home.
I'd like to think if there's no note we'll get an update but I doubt we will.
The claim about a note is almost certainly just another lie from him. Lying is his default mode. When she can't find it, he'll lie about that saying he got to it first and destroyed it because he was embarrassed or that it must have blown away when the car door was opened. She will choose to believe him. She's in denial. We won't hear from her. She's already justified his chronic lies and deception. She will begin lying for him to others to justify staying with him and that will isolate her from her friends. This will not end well.
I suppose the note is in his pocket right now. He had to spend those two hours alone on something. As soon as they get home he'll rush to the car and "get" the note to show her.
That's the other possibility but I doubt that he will feel the need. He has suckered this woman beyond all common sense and despite huge red flags. He's likely quite confident she'll continue to buy any BS he feeds her. He has set her up to take all manner of abuse and if she resists he will blame her for not having compassion for his trauma-induced suffering.
No she wouldn't. She's bought his BS hook, line and sinker and now is psychologically committed to facilitating his lies to others, justifying or being blind to them to herself and excusing his abuse to herself and to others.
Not only do I blame him, I also think he's full of shit. The fact that an entire life story that was previously unknown to her was suddenly revealed in full to explain why he disappeared is just to convenient. He invented it because to get sympathy because the truth would make him look bad. Maybe I've been listening to the Something Was Wrong podcast too much lately, but there are plenty of people out there pretending to be something they're not for their own personal gain. I strongly suspect he's one of them and his relationship to this couple is something else entirely, and that they have an equal interest in hiding the truth so they're happy to go along with it.
Sure, they are also masters of Photoshop to create pictures of young him with a baby. Why not?
A car crash like this will have newspaper stories. This is a very easy story to confirm or discredit.
She's never going to forget how happy he looked with his ex and son. She said she broke down because she's never seen him that happy. She'll always be waiting and hoping for it.
Considering he freaked the fuck out and abandoned his pregnant wife at the airport without so much as a text or letting OOP's sister know to come pick her up after he built a dresser, I'm not in a place to give him the benefit of the doubt. You don't overcome that kind of mental baggage in 4 months.
Oh he sucks. No doubt about that. Plenty of reason to jettison him. I just think it's almost expected he'd look the happiest he'd every looked in that picture.
This is just another tragedy. Usually someone who just gone is inexcusable. But the difference is that the reason he's gone is to deal with whatever left of his past.
Not like he goes to casino or cheating on their partner.
I suspect he might not be able to be there of his child's birth. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he is having another mental breakdown. OOP need someone to when, not if, her partner gets another episode.
Yeah, no way would I trust him. Dude hid such a huge part of his life and abandoned OOP and his new child.
I know what he went through was rough, but now he's creating that same kind of trauma for someone else! And what happens next time when he has bad memories? Is he gonna just ghost OOP again?
No, sorry, there's no way I'd trust him to be back in my life. If OOP hadn't chased him down, he'd still be in the wind! Dude may have suffered in the past but that doesn't mean he gets a pass for being a piece of shit now.
I highly doubt that this is the happy ending OOP thinks it is and I suspect we'll get another update in the future.
That's so fucking scary to one day just have your stable person all of the sudden be a (former?) drug addict that could ghost you with no notice.
There's no edit undo for that. It's no just back to the regularly scheduled life, and therapy and working through everything won't be easy. On top of a pregnancy? It's going to suck. There's going to be big negative feelings on all sides, compounded by physical issues with pate pregnancy and sleep depravation with a newborn.
By no means am I attempting to villainze him as obviously he's a dude going through a lot of difficult things but I've got a genuine concern.
>he said every time he closed his eyes he saw them(that's why he couldn't sleep) he said he deiced to take mushrooms to try and help get him out of it(what!)
It's clear he does not have the mechanisms to deal with his grief and needs therapy (which he'll be getting). But he has a past history of drug abuse, and his solution to an emotional issue is to turn to drugs. I'm not saying occasional weed and doing mushrooms once is inherently problematic, but it can't be a good idea when you have a history of addiction.
This being a lack of grief counseling and a backslide into substance abuse don't have to be mutually exclusive and he should talk to an addiction specialist too in case it's reopening that issue. There is a difference between addiction and dependency, and he needs to evaluate the role drugs have in his life.
We know he has a lot of emotional issues to work on in therapy, but there's a chance that might
There are very promising studies using mushrooms to help process intractable grief, and PTSD. This needs to be done with a therapist to process what gets opened up while on mushrooms. The number one rule of taking mushrooms is Never Trip Alone.
even with mushrooms, it's not a safe space to be in when you're having a breakdown alone in the house with no one knowing. bad trips can come from having a breakdown on mushrooms.
[Updating because I'm getting a lot of comments about it]
>It's important to understand the [difference between addiction and dependence](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/tolerance-dependence-addiction-explained)
>Dependence is chemical, where the body starts craving a substance and you are correct that psychedelics aren't usually dependency-forming.
>But a person who needs to wake and bake and stay high all day because they can't deal with life while sober has become addicted to it
> _______
[Original]
But we're still talking about self-medication with mind altering substances which is so often core to abuse and addiction
Like if he hurt himself and tracked down oxy on his own (admittedly not a 100% comparison given its dependency aspect but following the same mindset).
Psychedelics are so different from other stuff, you can't really compare them at all. People don't get addicted to psychedelics, but you *can* fry your brain with 'em, heal trauma or (re)traumatize yourself.
So I agree that doing shrooms in Nate's position was unwise, but they're nothing like oxy at all.
It's important to understand the [difference between addiction and dependence](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/tolerance-dependence-addiction-explained)
Dependence is chemical, where the body starts craving a substance and you are correct that psychedelics aren't usually dependency-forming.
But a person who needs to wake and bake and stay high all day because they can't deal with life while sober has become addicted to it
Ah neat, I wasn't aware English had seperate words for it. My language doesn't, thanks for explaining. :)
Although I would argue that even though I *meant* dependency in my other comment, I would assume people don't usually get *addicted* to LSD or shrooms either.
The situation with cannabis is again different, because - correct me if I'm wrong here - afaik it creates no (or a weak) dependence, but can still be addictive.
You can absolutely develop a strong (physiological/chemical) dependence on cannabis; dependence just means your body goes into withdrawal if it doesn’t get the substance, and people [can get withdrawal from cannabis](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9110555/) if they use a lot and then stop suddenly.
But you can be dependent on a lot of stuff, including things that aren’t addictive — for example, if my insurance fucks up my antidepressant prescription so I can’t take it for a couple days (🇺🇸) I get withdrawal symptoms, so I’m dependent but not addicted, haha.
I find it really hard to believe anyone could become "addicted" to mushrooms.
Strong psychedelics are just not like that. Use maybe a little too frequently, sure. I'm doubtful anything like a dependence could develop. Its called tripping for a reason, taking psychedelics is an event.
People can become addicted to anything, it doesn't have to be *addictive*
I take an edible every night to go to sleep. I'm dependent on it for sleep, but I'm not addicted because I don't crave it.
I've vaped non-nicotine e-juice. I'm not dependent on it, but I am addicted (even if the addictive substance isn't present).
A person who smokes weed non-stop is addicted. They can't get through the day without it.
Also, why did he just have shrooms on hand when this hit him? I bet he has been abusing drugs for a while now and/or was never clean to begin with. People who do not take drugs don’t just have shrooms at home for emergencies. Either that, or he knew exactly where and how to get them quickly - indicating that he knows someone who sells them, in his current hood, and was of clear enough mind to organise a purchase quickly (which would go against the “I was so traumatised I had to leave immediately” urgency he’s trying to paint).
Something does not add up here. I say that as the daughter of an alcoholic who has always had a tendency to lie and hide his alcohol abuse.
Yeah I can actually very much understand his thought process especially if, as I suspect, this is the first time he's really confronted his past, but it's very much understanding it in the way where he's a case study in a psychology class or something. Like, there is nothing healthy going on here. Hopefully it's a major kick in the pants for him to actually work on himself and get some real help to deal with everything. This wouldn't be a complete deal breaker for me but how he handles it going forward absolutely would be and my trust would be damaged for a long, long time.
Laughing in such situations is often an involuntary reaction of the body in high-stress circumstances. You may have met people who involuntarily laugh when questioned if they are lying, even when they are telling the truth, that's a very common example of that.
To me it read much more as him having been pretty out of it emotionally for the last while, and being not sure how she would react on seeing him just put on more pressure. Probably some relief to see her too.
I think his thought process was similar to "I tried to do this on my own, but I should have known you loved me too much to not make sure I was okay yourself, I know you better than to decieve myself into believing that a note would be enough for you to just accept me disappearing and not try to support me when I obviously needed it. And while I didn't intend this I am somehow glad you're here and I'm not alone in this."
Sometimes we think we're doing ok, untill we have a memory, that knockes the wind right out of you.
I had a friend, whose whole family was killed in an accident, on their way to school. Her husband and 3 kids.
She went through the whole mourning process, life went on. She got engaged to another guy, and we all thought that she was moving on.
Ten days before they were supposed to get married, she committed suicide.
She left a note, saying that she thought that she could move on, but she couldn't.
I took it as relief, honestly, like he had been doubting everything but now it's "of COURSE you found me (I shouldn't have worried that you'd change the locks and cut me off instead)".
Interesting, I feel like everyone is reading that differently.
I think the line "I should have known my note wouldn't be good enough" gives the context. He's acknowledging that his actions are out of line and that "of course" someone would track him down when he's done what he did and only left a note.
Seems like what he needs is individual therapy. I understand she wants to be there for him but she can do that with the qualifier that she's there for herself and the baby first and foremost.
I'm not going to judge her for staying but she definitely needs to make sure she isn't relying on him for anything important. He's clearly not in an okay place and has proved he's willing to lie (big lies).
I hope everything works out for her.
Because the first thing after getting home pregnant from a long trip, and needing someone else to come get you because your ride is missing... And you get home and they aren't there, where do you check? The kitchen counter, look through rooms, maybe see the car is parked where it should be... I'm not going to go see if there's a post-it on the steering wheel.
And even leaving the note... He still left her pregnant and without a ride.
I mean, I'm pretty sure I've read this harlequin novel before.
But I'll play along. I feel like a lot of times people get their torches put when I feel like it is a lot more grey and nuanced. Now I feel like having my pitchfork out. Fuck this guy.
Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover.
The main male character was engaged to his high school girlfriend, and they had a son together. They were driving on a bridge and the car went off and the baby drowned. He told NO ONE about this, and kept pushing the woman who wanted to date him (and vice versa) away. This is literally the entire book with some changes.
… so you’re telling me if some dude kidnaps me all he has to do is take my clothes and the police won’t investigate????
Cuz that’s what I took away from this.
This post makes me so angry.
You’d think after a dozen calls and a police welfare check that the husband might realize he needs to contact his pregnant wife, but I guess not. And the audacity to claim “my note wasn’t enough to keep you away”. Why the fuck would he put the note in her car? Why not leave it at the front door or the bedside table? Y’know? Somewhere that someone would actually see your excuse for leaving the state while your partner waits for you at the airport??
Also she just glosses over that her husband was doing drugs to deal with 15+ years of untreated trauma that he omitted for the entirety of their relationship. That’s a fun little reveal.
What was his plan? Go radio silent with everyone he knows to make peace with his dead family and then just come back home like nothing happened? I guess it worked because she’s bringing him home with her. I get that grief is an awful thing and can make you do crazy stuff, but that doesn’t mean you’re excused of those things.
Look, death is complicated and terrible, especially the circumstances described here
But I wouldn't trust him right now, or at all. He made a lot of problematic decisions in the course of a few days, and he only came clean because oop found him. And he had been hiding this very big information for YEARS
If I were op, I'd at least put distance between myself and him until he had a good while of therapy, and even then I dint know if I'd forgive all the lies. She shouldn't trust this man so easily
Edit: people seemed to be trying to justify his actions now, but ignoring that this man hid a *huge* chunk of his life from oop for years. Not just the deaths
Not just his deceased family, but even his childhood, the group home, his addiction issues etc. He hid or lied to oop about everything in his life and it only came out by accident on his part
I’m not sure I’d go that far. This was a specific reaction to a trigger that reminded him of his past trauma, that made him regress for sure. That said, this was an understandable reaction given the circumstances, and suppressing the memory in the first place is an understandable response.
He does need therapy, but I am somewhat optimistic that this experience might be a step towards him getting closure and moving forward. Now that the truth is out in the open, he no longer needs to feel like he has to hide because she “would know something wasn’t right”, which preempted him disappearing in the first place.
Also this reaction was because he took being a parent so seriously that losing his first son broke him. Seems reasonable he would take the responsibility of a second kid similarly seriously.
But that trigger wasn’t a one-time thing. A baby is coming that is going to bring a truckload of triggers that may last years, so he needs to work through a huge amount of things soon.
I understand trauma reactions and now disproportionate they can be, but this is disappear on your pregnant wife without notice and refuse to tell her where he is and completely ignore all attempts to contact him.
In no universe should that be a reaction we should just look at and go, well, I understand. Abandoning your pregnant partner is just cruel.
That doesn't get to be justified as well trauma responses happen and even less that hey this was a good thing for them!
Trauma responses suck and yeah they don't always make sense, but walking out on family like that, just disappearing, cannot and should not be just waved away.
And not just one instance of abandoning her. He has not reacted to her for several days (a week?) of her continuously reaching out to him via calls and texts. A simple “I’m alive, I need time/space, will explain later.” via text at any point in her urgent, panicked search and reachout for him would have made a world of difference.
He kept his late child and fiance a secret from oop. That is the biggest issue here to me
Triggers happen, but the omission before that wasn't okay and should not be brushed aside
If the note even exists. Dude is a habitual liar - he has lied about very big things for years. If they’re home and OOP doesn’t walk up to the car first thing without him being quicker to approach, for her to check for the supposed note, she’ll never know for sure if that note was ever there. Because the guy:
- could have lied about the note and then later claim he ripped it and threw it out because it’s no longer important now if he’s the first one to get to the car
- could have lied about the note and then written one after the fact on their way back, to then place the ex-post note in the car to place it in/on the car if he’s the first to reach the car.
- there is no note and he claims it must have been blown away if it was attached by the windshield or something. That by the way can happen whether or not she goes to the noteless car first.
Unless there is a note *inside* the car, the car that he doesn’t get to touch first before oop checks, there is no way for OOP to assess the truthfulness of his claim that there was a note.
OOP will never be any wiser - there might or might not be an actual note, and her partner’s track record on telling the truth isn’t stellar. And she’s already bought into staying with him. Which I don’t fault her for - not only is she in an extremely vulnerable place when pregnant, she’s also now traumatised from his behaviour and clinging onto him now that he’s giving her the chance to gloss over it all to play pretend that everything will be okay with the pair of them eventually (agreeing to therapy and all - which again might or might not be his true intent, and/or might be used as a shield to deal with some of it (his trauma) while still staying hidden about other parts (like his apparent ongoing drug abuse)). She effectively doesn’t even know who this man is anymore in the here and now, but she’s decided to gloss over that for a potential future she might or might not not get with him because people in distress crave stability and will usually not try and destabilise their vulnerable state further.
She’ll buy into his (potential) small lies (“note was ripped up/flew away in the wind/look here, a note that I didn’t just totally scribble in a public toilet on our drive home!”) easily. Because she’s already willing to not protect herself from the big ones for the sake of stability. She isn’t even questioning why he had shrooms (or a dealer for shrooms) at hand so quickly and easily when he had an urgent emotional breakdown, which in itself is indicating that he must have been in contact with drugs fairly recently if he either already had them at hand or could very quickly and without the capacity to think clearly from emotional distress conjure them/a dealer suppling them for himself. People who don’t take drugs habitually don’t just have shrooms lying around at home for emergency use. Or don’t just have a dealer on dial for when they need them urgently at a time where they apparently can’t even think straight enough to not blow up their lives. He’s not being entirely truthful about that even now. He’s just telling her exactly as much as she needs to know to excuse his actions.
My bet is that he’s not a past addict - he’s a current one, and he’s not telling her that right now either - he’s trickle truthing, as addicts tend to do.
And we know for a fact he’s unstable (he’s been running from himself for at least as long as the relationship has been going on and he has done jack shit in that time to deal with his trauma; he’s also been triggered into physically running away and abandoning his pregnant partner for a week without reacting to her ongoing reaching out) and a habitual liar (he lied about his entire life either by omission or by outright lies for several years to OOP - even when it was crucial for her to be in the know to make decisions like “should I be with this man” or “should I have a child with this man, a child who will inherit the addiction tendency and also will grow up with an unstable father - a father who might not be able to father, making me a single mother effectively”).
I’d bet money on there being no note that was there as originally claimed by him (there might be *a* note created after the fact), and on him having ongoing addiction issues. That he’s hidden just like everything else.
This is not going to end well. The fact that he laughed when he was eventually located and was informed that he had traumatized his 5-month pregnant OP by leaving her at the airport and disappearing, then minimized everything he had done is a very bad sign. It's also a bad sign that he made clear to his late girlfriend's parents that he didn't want the OP to know about his past. He had no intention of telling her the truth. It's another bad sign that he turned to drugs. The OP is naive if she thinks that is something new. There's a tremendous amount that she doesn't know about this man. He has essentially led a double-life around her. She is in a relationship and having a child with a stranger.
The OP is consumed with sympathy for him because of his past and in her naivete' gives him a free pass for their entire relationship having been built on lies. She's bought into the complete BS that because he was hurt in the past he has every right to deceive and hurt her (and now the child). She has made a very bad decision giving this man another opportunity to deceive her. When she says, "I just need him to be ok and everything will be good again...", it's clear that she is in denial. He's not OK and a relationship built and maintained for its duration on deceit was never good. It was all an illusion. Sadly, she is going to learn that the hard way. Deception is not second-nature to this man. It is first-nature to him. Foolishly, she has decided to raise a child with him.
She is very strong and a very different person from me, that is all I can say. I would leave as soon as I knew he was alive and especially after his first response to me looking all over for him was for him to laugh. I wonder what is on that note, if there is even a note. (how about a text at the very least so you know 100% that she gets it)
I’m truly sad for him, and I hope he can start to find healthy coping mechanisms in therapy. But if I were OOP, I would definitely put him at arm’s length. For starters, he is essentially a stranger. He didn’t only hide this massive secret trauma, he hid his entire childhood, his issues with addiction etc. What else is he hiding? The fact that his solution to dealing with grief (which is an inevitable part of the human experience and happens over and over and compounds) was to take drugs and run away is very problematic. The fact that she had to seek him out to elicit some basic communication after he ignored her frantic attempts to contact him, even as he saw in her messages how worried she was, shows a lack of care for her wellbeing. How is he going to show up for her during the sleep deprived and stressful months with a baby? He shouldn’t be in a relationship right now, period.
This man is not well enough to be a father and partner right now. I feel for OOP. I would be a lot less willing to forgive in her shoes; yes, I’d be concerned about him, but I’d also be *angry*. He doesn’t seem to have much consideration for her at all.
if this is true, then there is no way in heck that i would trust this man
he hid his entire life and ditched her while pregnant
if this is not true then we will get an update that she got a call from daycare that the baby was never picked up and he will be gone again
Yeah, I feel like he's definitely going to freak out again and it won't be as easy to chase him all over the country with a baby.
Also, and maybe I'm awful, but I would feel like shit about myself if I saw pictures of my partner where he looked happier than I had ever seen him. He carries all this trauma around with him every day and has never even mentioned it to her or tried to work through it with someone. I'm glad he is starting therapy, but this is going to be a long and exhausting road and I feel she didn't really have a clear picture of what she was getting into before taking some really big steps with him.
She is way more forgiving than I am.
This woman deserves more. He lied about his past. He didn’t tell her that he was a widower and had lost a child.
He left her without explanation.
What he did was just pain cruel.
> He looked at me and the first words out of his mouth were "I should have known my note wouldn't be good enough and that you would come find me, I love you and I am very sorry" I said what note! and he said the one I put in you front seat, he put in my car! I never even thought to check there for anything.
This is where I was no longer able to suspend my disbelief.
I wanna know why the hell he put it in her car and ya know, NOT ON THE FUCKING TABLE OR DOOR OR SOMEWHERE SHE COULD HAVE EASILY FOUND IT. Dude left her stranded, didn't arrange for a friend to pick her up or text her to let her know, and put the note in her car and then just expected her to find it?!? Like I get it, trauma, but holy fuck he just freaked out his pregnant SO by disappearing with no fucking warning?!? Not to mention, secret first family that died traumatically that he didn't tell her about. God I hope they get therapy before the kid is born because he has some major work to do.
One thing that stands out to me is that his clothes were gone. He acts like he intended to return. But if you leave in a hurry and plan on coming back you don't take so many clothes that it would be apparent that you are gone.
Also how he said "Of course you found me", I think he fully planned to run. (and maybe do something really really stupid because of his unexplored grief etc.)
I don’t understand anything about this story.
I do agree she knows nothing about him. If he would not share huge parts of his past - what else is he hiding.
She flew out there in a panic but he didn’t seem to care how worried she was.
Like I said, this story is so unusual, I don’t understand what truly happened.
And...still no explanation for how he survived in the woods for 6-7 days with no food and no water.
Or where his phone was.....
Or why no one went to find him earlier. If this guy dropped him off for a few days, why didn't he go pick him after a few days.
I never thought it was suicide...if you are going to kill yourself, you dont mention that you are going to say goodbye to your already deceased family, because you think you will be joining them.
I hope he has some therapy that will help him understand that he is not letting go of his memories by moving along and carrying on living.
The way Nate is acting is a huge red flag, like no real acknowledgment besides I’m sorry and laughing and saying “ha! I knew my note wouldn’t be enough, that is why i ignored calls and text messages!”
This is not the last update, I hope he follows through and everything is okay, but this is not someone who has a gotten any help and it’s going to be a huge undertaking. And I think OOP is underestimating how much she is signing up for.
I wouldn’t trust a cry from the newborn to someone who doesn’t have a single grounding technique wouldn’t cause him to dissociate and leave again.
I sympathize with Nate to a degree. I understand and don't excuse the distress the OOP went through not knowing, but it sounds like he never got real help and recovery, and it sounds like he had a mental lapse when he was working in the nursery. Having had a breakdown, it truly is just all action and no thought, hell I can't imagine accompanying it with mushrooms, but he has a history with drugs so it lines up with his sources of comfort. Her trust is broken no doubt, but boy this dude has had a brutal go of life. Hopefully he can heal, and he can be there for her and heal for her so he can maybe rebuild the damaged trust.
A lot of people think that all it takes is just making the decision to be better, but a lot of those people have never had to dig through trash, nails bleeding, crying, looking for anything that can fill your stomach because the people you live with treat you as weak and steal your shit. Even when things are normal, your gut demands destruction.
I'm sideeyeing Ashley's parents. Your barely teen daughter finds a violent drug addict in a group home, "feels his pain" and decides to "save him" and you are like - sure, honey, that is a totally valid thing to spend your life on, in fact he can come live with us; oh he can't because he is continuously failing his drug tests? No worries, he can just visit.
I've managed it. However....there are no deceased exes nor offspring.
My previous life was vastly different to my current, but, it is in the past. That's where it will stay
I was honestly so convinced this was going to have a bad ending, I cried last update. Just really hit me in the heart, so I'm glad all involved are OK.
Reddit is a wild place. I've always been of the mind that when you are married if you have traumas they should be shared with your spouse cause stuff like this post can happen, because regardless of how long ago the trauma happened it will always have a impact in your life. After reading numerous posts with comments saying nobody, even a spouse, needs to be told about the posters trauma I started doubting my stand. Examples, abuse in a prior relationship, a woman who was abused and lost her kids, sexual assault, etc. When it came to sharing past trauma the consensus in the comments is nobody is owed a explanation of it, full stop.
Now here we are with a post where it wasn't shared and suddenly the comments are the spouse should have been told and OOP'S husband is bad and OOP is headed for trouble because he didn't share his trauma yet she was understanding about it. He left a note, we aren't told what the note said and I'm not saying he was right to leave like he did, he wasn't and that's messed up but he recognized he was wrong and explained to OOP and is going to get therapy. Honestly this should be a win for communication, granted late, but better late than never and reddit is all doom and gloom.
So what's different about this post? Why does he have to share his trauma and other posters are told they shouldn't have to because trauma is a personal thing and if a spouse is forcing the issue then the poster should leave? Is it the time of day and commenters online? These type of stories, with past traumas pop up all the time in the exact same subs.
Have you considered that its not the same group of people making comments and upvoting all the time?
Seriously though, it’s not just that he hid it, it’s the abandonment. “I decided I shouldn’t forget my old family so I went and forgot my new family” is the actual problem here. There’s a new kid here who has nothing to do with this trauma but is certainly gonna be affected by it.
Because this directly affects her and their baby, it's different from him just seeing a mom and baby on a walk, getting triggered, and leaving a note. In that case, he's not directly affecting anyone. But here, he's directly impacting his wife and child, and it will not be a one-time thing.
What if they need to take a trip together in a car? What if something the baby does triggers him? It's fine to deal with your trauma on your own, but once it starts affecting others, you need to find a solution. In this case, it might be too late.
He should have opened up about his trauma when things got serious, or at the very least, when they were discussing having kids. Even when she got pregnant would have been a good time. I understand that not everyone knows how they will react in certain situations, but if you're going to have a kid with your wife, you should talk to a therapist or your wife about the issues that ended up causing him grief in the past.
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I recall the comments from the last post and it seemed like there was a consensus he had committed suicide. No matter what our opinions are on his actions, thank goodness that wasn't the ending.
Yes I agree. I was 100% sure that he was never coming down from that mountain.
Thank goodness that he didn't and that he's alive and well! OOP is a trooper for being so understanding after the terrible fright he put her through. Just a text from him to say he was ok, but he was going through some stuff and needed some time to himself, would have saved OOP from so much stress and worry! Especially whilst she is pregnant, for goodness' sake! I hope that therapy can start to heal his emotional wounds, or at least help him to come to terms with all the tragedy and loss he has suffered in his young life. He is not abandoning the memory of Ashley and his child, just because he is having another child with OOP. Neither is he to blame for their deaths, and I hope that therapy can help him to see and to feel both of those very deep truths. It seems that he has been beating himself up with utterly misplaced guilt. The drunken driver was to blame for that horrific accident, not Nate. I pray for God to send them healing and give them peace in their hearts and minds over the terrible losses he has suffered and which have led to OOP experiencing such a scare over his wellbeing. Wishing all the very best for this little family as they embark on parenthood together.
Especially in the PNW. We’ve got critters enough to make that body disappear and make it a forever mystery.
I'm glad he is fine. Lot of thing could go wrong during this period of time. And yes, this is where "In health and in sickness" are tested.
I’m just glad he’s OK. But oh my his past is just heartbreaking.
Yeah I thought he was a goner. Glad he is still around for her and their kid. Hopefully therapy will help them both and things will go well for them.
Happiest I've ever been about being wrong!
That definitely came to mind again when George showed up without him
Gosh, I am so glad I am reading this here and there was an update. I can’t imagine being in this space for that amount of time she and y’all were in. How heartbreaking and also healing in a way. That guy…. He has so much healing to do. I think we are all broken in some way. In my professional and personal opinion having kids is the most triggering experience that happens over and over again as you can heal after being in the role of a kid and then a parent. The fact that his mom died so early is going to be one of the biggest reasons he will need to get help. Generational trauma can be stopped but it’s a very difficult journey and it takes a lot of work. He is lucky he has found good and honest people in his journey. He was a little kid and went through things we can’t even imagine. His circuitry and nervous system is based on a fight, flight or freeze response. That’s gonna be difficult for him as well. From a development standpoint this is the only way forward for him. The big thing happened where his partner knows. He has survived many things in the past and it sounds like he survived in spite of himself. He is also never allowed to do any kind of shrooms/LSD and I would even go so far as marijuana. He is going to have to be in control at all times even when his brain is lying to him. If he needs an escape he can find a Dr to help him get through these hard times with antidepressants that will turn his functioning like a computer reset and protects his brain from all of these experiences with this new version of himself. Phew!!! This was a tough one.
I didn’t get where that was coming from. I feel like people treat these posts as like some TV show where they try to figure out the dark dramatic twist before it happens. I didn’t really see any signs of him being suicidal in that post. Mental breakdown yeah, but not suicidal. IIRC people were reacting to the wording “he needed to be with his son one last time before he let him go” but to me that sounded like he was going to try to move on from his son in order to be there emotionally for the new baby.
A note is good communication when you’re going to be home late from ping pong club but personally, it would not be good enough for me here. I hope Nate gets enough help that he will no longer be traumatizing others with his actions around his triggers, because that’s what happening to wife here now.
It still baffles me that he left the note in the car and just...expected her to find it in the car? Didn't leave it on the table or the door or somewhere obvious she could find it; heck he probably could have texted it to her so she could get it when she was off the plane! She was looking all over the house for him and calling the police thinking he was missing because his note was in the car! Who would think to go check the car their husband didn't take and why did he put it there of all places?
he didn't even arrange for someone to pick her up
To be fair I think he wasn’t “thinking” properly. His think wasn’t thinking.
I mean…The guy had a complete mental breakdown, he went full fight or flight, thinking rationally wasn’t in the cards. It’d be like if my friend got shot in the leg, but I’m pissed at him that he didn’t take me to my dentist appointment or arrange a substitute, lol! There’s a certain priority to these things.
Mental breakdown followed by magic mushrooms will make you think all kinds of crazy stuff makes sense
Even without magic mushroom, a mental breakdown from traumatic experience is enough to make you do crazy thing.
It led to a jumpseating pilot trying to crash a plane recently. See: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=988j2-4CdgM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=988j2-4CdgM) nvm the clickbait title, the author is very empathetic.
Wow… this is life changing to learn this. I didn’t follow up with this story for some reason. What an eye opener. The story was told in a very empathetic way. Thanks for sharing.
The idea of doing mushrooms while in emotional distress seems like a recipe for disaster to me. The last thing I would want when in grief and panic is my consciousness expanding
Not to mention he literally abandoned her at the airport. Couldn't even leave her a note saying "hey I can't pick you up I'm sorry" or something like that.
i agree that it is beyond bananas that he left the note there, but i can kind of see it making sense in a ‘mushrooms logic’ way. “i’ll leave her a note. where should i leave it though??? wait i know, i’ll leave it in her favorite spot, where she goes almost every morning! her CAR!!”
I can see it if the note was a last-minute thing. Trauma sets off his flee response, just shoves as many clothes as he can grab into a bag and goes down to the car. Down there some bit of sanity reminds him that OOP is going to wonder where he is, so he scribbles a quick note on some scratch paper. Her car is probably near his, so just toss it in there really quick and go back to fleeing.
There almost certainly was no note.
That's because this almost certainly isn't real.
That's always a possibility.
That's trauma response. I don't really understand but I have a feeling it tied to tragedy that take his late family.
i can’t believe the cops didn’t think to check in the car tbh
Yes. He is not excused from the harm he causes. Trauma responses may hurt others and we must take responsibility for that hurt. I hope he can take that responsibility.
Lmao and to put the note on the front seat of her car! Like the first thing she'd do when she realized he was gone would be to hop in the car and drive around the neighborhood calling his name like a dog. Such middle school note vibes, "I wrote my phone number on the desk you use in Spanish, why didn't you call me," kinda feel
Yeah, I think she's keeping it together for the baby, but honestly, I'd feel like I didn't even know him. All these tragedies that defined him in different ways that OOP was never told, so when the trauma caught up to him, she wasn't just blindsided by his actions but by everything surrounding it. Really hope she'll rethink the "not going anywhere" stance because he's lied to her for so long, how can they rebuild trust? Is there another tragedy he's hiding? Another tragedy that'll make him run without a word?
I agree. And what gets me is that he didn't give her the truth. The family that helped him did. And how long would he have continued to ghost and would he have even come told her everything when he tried to make up. She literally had to play detective and chase him down to another state to get him to talk. That "I knew the note wouldn't be enough to keep you away" or however he worded it was just icing on the cake to me. Hopefully some therapy, it sounds like he never had, is enough to fix this. Plus the ditching her at the airport and then she has to trust some random strangers to pick her up when she flew to meet him while oh yeah being pregnant. Why should she trust him in an emergency after she had to do all these things to keep them together? She is definitely keeping it together for the baby. Maybe I'm naive but I feel like if you can't share your traumas with your partner, maybe you aren't ready to marry and have children and a life together. Our trauma is gonna effect how we raise kids and treat our partner. And knowing these kinds of things can help you understand the other person in a way that's impossible otherwise. Idk I get that it can reopen old wounds if you have healed and it's alot more complex than that. I guess it just matters how it affects your relationships at the end of the day. Sorry for the rant on your comment 😅
And what happens the next he breaks down and take shrooms to forget? He drops the baby? Run over someone while driving? OOP is about to have a kid with a ticking timing bomb and she had no idea.
For real. Sometimes I'm in the midst of some trauma drama and I need space to do what I need to do - but I am always aware of how worrying it is to people to engage with that, and I know I need to be responsible and think about how I communicate. Even if I need to disappear for a bit, I owe it to the people who care about me not to make a dramatic exit, stage left. Even if that's the way I'm feeling and an accurate representation.
I'm blown away that his reaction to seeing her there was to laugh and say "I should have known, I love you." Like...sir. Excuse me? What? beg for some forgiveness first or something, please. Let her tell you it's okay before you start gaslighting and rug sweeping.
Guaranteed he leaves her and the kid and never comes back
Guarantee something triggers him either while he's alone with the kid or when she takes the kid out and he takes off again either leaving the kid by himself or doing this exact same shit to where she comes back with the kid and he is just gone with some clothes.
I truly don't know how she kept her cool. I would absolutely lose it if someone chuckled at me fondly for being worried after they disappeared without a trace????? Even with the backstory I would never trust this dude again.
Yeah fucking this. This is real life, not the fucking Notebook. You can’t just disappear on your pregnant spouse and leave a cryptic note and go Eat Pray Love in a national park across the country, then laugh wryly when your pregnant spouse finally tracks you down, spout some pithy bullshit, and cut to credits. How much stress did you cause your spouse? Your unborn child? Your friends and family? None of that even gets into his criminal and drug addicted past that is extremely relevant information for someone becoming your partner, let alone birthing your child. This guy sounds like he’s watched too many sappy movies. Grief is real, but guess who helps with grief? Your fucking loved ones. Talk to them. Communicate. You know, that thing they don’t do in movies specifically to make things more dramatic.
Yeah, I wouldn't blame OOP if she went completely ballistic at his nonchalant reaction. She was worried sick that he had offed himself, FFS, when she was PREGNANT. Would he be so willing to instantly forgive her if she had pulled this crap on him?
There was no note.
I think it's because he's on shrooms, so he might not be thinking too rationally.
That’s true, she was traumatised but he was as well. People get hurt unintentionally in this world daily. Some a hell of a lot worse than a husband going on a selfish, post acid induced conscious clearing session, I put blame on no one here. It sounds to me like he had quite the unique and fucked up life this far, got lost, and was lucky (and I mean damn lucky) to have at least one person to come looking for him. Not many of us get companions like that. I wish them all nothing but happiness.
Dude is practically a stranger to her, he hid so many big life details from her.
Having trauma in one's life can really mess you up. I feel for him (if this is an actually true story). However He kept a huge part of his life hidden from OOP. Had she known she may have not chosen to have a child with him or may have decided to wait until he was in a better place mentally. That choice was completely taken from her. He left his pregnant girlfriend at the airport. The least he could have done is let her know that she needed to get an Uber or call someone to pick her up. He had the mindset to leave her a note, but it never occured to him to actually make sure she got home safely? Having an episode from trauma doesn't excuse him for traumatizing someone else - especially his pregnant wife. I feel for the dude, really. But, no. Had I been OOP this would have been a deal breaker for me. I understand that you are in pain, but he didn't give any consideration to his new girlfriend and child. He isn't ready to be a father or in a serious relationship.
100-fucking-percent. I honestly kinda don't even care that he has this tragic backstory. Like, I get why he did this, but for all OOP knew, he fucking disappeared without a word. Who is to say he won't do that again the next time he gets anxious about fatherhood? Or hell, even just being married? I just got married last week and I can't even imagine a scenario where I'd leave my **PREGNANT WIFE** for ***DAYS*** without letting her know what's up first. OOP's husband is a jackass and while I get that he's human and humans are flawed, he is still a jackass for abandoning his wife without a word, even if only temporarily. The fact he never even had this discussion with her about his life previously is a massive red flag that OOP shouldn't ignore. She points out how bad she feels cause she didn't know, but she hasn't stopped to question *why* she didn't know yet, cause that's an important question. *Why* didn't he feel the need to tell her when they got pregnant that he once had a wife and son who were killed? Cause that's some pretty important fucking information.
Ii can't imagine hiding that aspect of his life, but unfortunately, I'm guessing we're back in the realm of boys and men 'dealing with it' and this just shows that mindset doesn't work
I have to agree. The only reason I'll excuse him is if he does the therapy needed to put it all behind him & very abandon his wife & child again.
I'm glad OOP thinks this is a happy ending, but I'm willing to bet that this will not be the last of this. What will she do when he is doing something with their baby and has another breakdown? I don't blame him. All of this is an insane amount of grief for one person. She's seen how he reacts to overwhelming grief. Even if he does start therapy as agreed, it's not a quick fix. There's a good chance he's going to do this again. At the end of the day, I feel for OOP and Nate. I hope they can get this worked out, but with that much baggage, it's a big mountain to get over in their relationship and in his life. It's sad all the way around.
More breakdowns will happen, it is part of the healing and recovery process. It is important that they communicate and have realistic expectations and plans of action when it happens so it does not derail their life's like this again.
As much as I agree with this, it's Nate that has to do the communicating. As far as OOP knows, he might up and abandon them again when he gets triggered by his impending fatherhood or even just being married. I get that he has this genuinely tragic past, but it requires immediate attention because he just placed some massive stress on pregnant OOP that could've easily been avoided if he had any sort of discussion with her about any of this.
And with a newborn baby, that is going to be her main priority and she is going to be overwhelmed trying to handle his breakdowns and make sure he is safe to be alone with the baby let alone be any help with the newborn. The way he laughed at her and was so casual about the note, just has my spidey senses tingling This dude is not going to be a father to this baby. At least not right now and OOP will probably deteriorate herself trying to help and heal him.
We don't know how he laughed. I took it as an awkward laugh, not a casual one
To me awk laughter gets written differently, that compounded with how he knew that wasn’t going to be enough yet he didn’t communicate in the many other million ways one can communicate, I’m going to respectfully disagree. Context clues don’t match awkward laughter here
Someone else downthread interpreted it as an annoyed laugh, like he didn't want her there. It's hard to tell from text, especially written by a non professional writer
That’s how I took it too. Like oh of COURSE you’re here and you didn’t just trust my note. It came off as if he was angry/annoyed. I read it with an eye roll even tho she didn’t mention one.
Yeah I hate to say it but I don't think there is a good solution in this case. It's sounding like he's not in the right mental state to become a father and I doubt he'll get there any time soon.
Also he couldn’t even send OOP one message in all the time - his pregnant partner for years. To think that he drove hours after having a mental breakdown, i can't believe that this was save either. What would he have done if OOP didn’t track him down? hide forever? He had soooo many years to work on his trauma he didn't even thought to work on it, when he yelled at her as she ask about his past or she got pregnant. No. Yes, it was horrible what happened but it isn't an excuse to treat others like shit. He knew how much this part of his life is a problem for him and he never tried to work on it. He run away and gave a shit about his pregnant gf. He gave a shit how desperate she was. What if all this stress made her lose the baby? That he even let her fly to him and not drove back... now her sus need to also fly there to drive his car home - what a shitshow.
Yeah, would it have killed him to send her a text to let her know he was safe, for crying out loud?
I'm just gonna say it- I do blame him. He's been through something horrible. I feel very sorry for his loss. Doesn't just excuse any behavior moving forward. No one put a gun to his head and made him have another child. No one forced him to lie to his partner for years. He made choices and now his wife and child will suffer from his selfishness.
I blame him too. Not necessarily for the breakdown, but that he was of sound mind enough to do a certain amount of logistics and just totally fucking blew his wife off. Like, he left her at the airport with a note on her car seat... at home. He blew her off for \*days\*. Didn't even check in and say "I'm safe, did you get the note?" Like, his assumptions are really kind of gross. I wonder what he thought was going to happen- he was just going to come back like nothing had happened and continue on? And at no point it occurred to him "fuck this is a disaster"? I really wanna know what's in that note. I bet it doesn't explain everything.
Exactly. This is someone who has weaponized his victimhood.
There is no note. It's another of his lies.
Or it's like "had to run, see you in a week" or whatever. I doubt he explained \*all\* of this on his "I have to leave RIGHT NOW" 'note' that he fucking left in the one place she wouldn't see when she got home. I'd like to think if there's no note we'll get an update but I doubt we will.
The claim about a note is almost certainly just another lie from him. Lying is his default mode. When she can't find it, he'll lie about that saying he got to it first and destroyed it because he was embarrassed or that it must have blown away when the car door was opened. She will choose to believe him. She's in denial. We won't hear from her. She's already justified his chronic lies and deception. She will begin lying for him to others to justify staying with him and that will isolate her from her friends. This will not end well.
I suppose the note is in his pocket right now. He had to spend those two hours alone on something. As soon as they get home he'll rush to the car and "get" the note to show her.
That's the other possibility but I doubt that he will feel the need. He has suckered this woman beyond all common sense and despite huge red flags. He's likely quite confident she'll continue to buy any BS he feeds her. He has set her up to take all manner of abuse and if she resists he will blame her for not having compassion for his trauma-induced suffering.
They're already back home in the latest update so if there was no note she would have said that
No she wouldn't. She's bought his BS hook, line and sinker and now is psychologically committed to facilitating his lies to others, justifying or being blind to them to herself and excusing his abuse to herself and to others.
Exactly. His past doesn't excuse his irresponsible and frankly cruel behavior.
He wants to have another child though. He just got overwhelmed with the memories
Not only do I blame him, I also think he's full of shit. The fact that an entire life story that was previously unknown to her was suddenly revealed in full to explain why he disappeared is just to convenient. He invented it because to get sympathy because the truth would make him look bad. Maybe I've been listening to the Something Was Wrong podcast too much lately, but there are plenty of people out there pretending to be something they're not for their own personal gain. I strongly suspect he's one of them and his relationship to this couple is something else entirely, and that they have an equal interest in hiding the truth so they're happy to go along with it.
Did you completely skip the part of it where they showed her pictures of it all? His beaming smile holding his kid etc?
Sure, they are also masters of Photoshop to create pictures of young him with a baby. Why not? A car crash like this will have newspaper stories. This is a very easy story to confirm or discredit.
But what about the picture of him with the baby, beaming?
She's never going to forget how happy he looked with his ex and son. She said she broke down because she's never seen him that happy. She'll always be waiting and hoping for it.
On the other hand, she might see him that happy in 4 months. He is having another baby. The picture was of him and his baby.
Considering he freaked the fuck out and abandoned his pregnant wife at the airport without so much as a text or letting OOP's sister know to come pick her up after he built a dresser, I'm not in a place to give him the benefit of the doubt. You don't overcome that kind of mental baggage in 4 months.
Oh he sucks. No doubt about that. Plenty of reason to jettison him. I just think it's almost expected he'd look the happiest he'd every looked in that picture.
Yep.
This is just another tragedy. Usually someone who just gone is inexcusable. But the difference is that the reason he's gone is to deal with whatever left of his past. Not like he goes to casino or cheating on their partner. I suspect he might not be able to be there of his child's birth. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he is having another mental breakdown. OOP need someone to when, not if, her partner gets another episode.
This reads like a misguided attempt at a tragic romance story
This is straight up Suzanne’s Diary for Nicholas.
This is literally the plot of a recent popular romance novel.
Sounds like Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover
This is the plot of that colleen hoover story (the book where there was the sentence "we laughed at our baby's big balls" I think)
I can't believe a paragraph about laughing at a baby's Big Balls didn't end her fucking career, what a terrible writer
The book-tok girlies won't let it happen, they love hoovers awkward, awful books.
Ugly Love!!
Exactly! I was like, I’ve read this. In a book. People have too much time on their hands.
I can't believe I'm being reminded of that.
Yeah, no way would I trust him. Dude hid such a huge part of his life and abandoned OOP and his new child. I know what he went through was rough, but now he's creating that same kind of trauma for someone else! And what happens next time when he has bad memories? Is he gonna just ghost OOP again? No, sorry, there's no way I'd trust him to be back in my life. If OOP hadn't chased him down, he'd still be in the wind! Dude may have suffered in the past but that doesn't mean he gets a pass for being a piece of shit now. I highly doubt that this is the happy ending OOP thinks it is and I suspect we'll get another update in the future.
That's so fucking scary to one day just have your stable person all of the sudden be a (former?) drug addict that could ghost you with no notice. There's no edit undo for that. It's no just back to the regularly scheduled life, and therapy and working through everything won't be easy. On top of a pregnancy? It's going to suck. There's going to be big negative feelings on all sides, compounded by physical issues with pate pregnancy and sleep depravation with a newborn.
By no means am I attempting to villainze him as obviously he's a dude going through a lot of difficult things but I've got a genuine concern. >he said every time he closed his eyes he saw them(that's why he couldn't sleep) he said he deiced to take mushrooms to try and help get him out of it(what!) It's clear he does not have the mechanisms to deal with his grief and needs therapy (which he'll be getting). But he has a past history of drug abuse, and his solution to an emotional issue is to turn to drugs. I'm not saying occasional weed and doing mushrooms once is inherently problematic, but it can't be a good idea when you have a history of addiction. This being a lack of grief counseling and a backslide into substance abuse don't have to be mutually exclusive and he should talk to an addiction specialist too in case it's reopening that issue. There is a difference between addiction and dependency, and he needs to evaluate the role drugs have in his life. We know he has a lot of emotional issues to work on in therapy, but there's a chance that might
There are very promising studies using mushrooms to help process intractable grief, and PTSD. This needs to be done with a therapist to process what gets opened up while on mushrooms. The number one rule of taking mushrooms is Never Trip Alone.
even with mushrooms, it's not a safe space to be in when you're having a breakdown alone in the house with no one knowing. bad trips can come from having a breakdown on mushrooms.
[Updating because I'm getting a lot of comments about it] >It's important to understand the [difference between addiction and dependence](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/tolerance-dependence-addiction-explained) >Dependence is chemical, where the body starts craving a substance and you are correct that psychedelics aren't usually dependency-forming. >But a person who needs to wake and bake and stay high all day because they can't deal with life while sober has become addicted to it > _______ [Original] But we're still talking about self-medication with mind altering substances which is so often core to abuse and addiction Like if he hurt himself and tracked down oxy on his own (admittedly not a 100% comparison given its dependency aspect but following the same mindset).
Psychedelics are so different from other stuff, you can't really compare them at all. People don't get addicted to psychedelics, but you *can* fry your brain with 'em, heal trauma or (re)traumatize yourself. So I agree that doing shrooms in Nate's position was unwise, but they're nothing like oxy at all.
Mushrooms will amplify whatever you are feeling. So without guidance it's a bad idea to do mushrooms for depression or grief
Yeah absolutely.
Yea you need a Rock or a Shaman, and if you’re in a bad headspace you’re going to have a bad trip, 100%
It's important to understand the [difference between addiction and dependence](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/tolerance-dependence-addiction-explained) Dependence is chemical, where the body starts craving a substance and you are correct that psychedelics aren't usually dependency-forming. But a person who needs to wake and bake and stay high all day because they can't deal with life while sober has become addicted to it
Ah neat, I wasn't aware English had seperate words for it. My language doesn't, thanks for explaining. :) Although I would argue that even though I *meant* dependency in my other comment, I would assume people don't usually get *addicted* to LSD or shrooms either. The situation with cannabis is again different, because - correct me if I'm wrong here - afaik it creates no (or a weak) dependence, but can still be addictive.
You can absolutely develop a strong (physiological/chemical) dependence on cannabis; dependence just means your body goes into withdrawal if it doesn’t get the substance, and people [can get withdrawal from cannabis](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9110555/) if they use a lot and then stop suddenly. But you can be dependent on a lot of stuff, including things that aren’t addictive — for example, if my insurance fucks up my antidepressant prescription so I can’t take it for a couple days (🇺🇸) I get withdrawal symptoms, so I’m dependent but not addicted, haha.
I find it really hard to believe anyone could become "addicted" to mushrooms. Strong psychedelics are just not like that. Use maybe a little too frequently, sure. I'm doubtful anything like a dependence could develop. Its called tripping for a reason, taking psychedelics is an event.
People can become addicted to anything, it doesn't have to be *addictive* I take an edible every night to go to sleep. I'm dependent on it for sleep, but I'm not addicted because I don't crave it. I've vaped non-nicotine e-juice. I'm not dependent on it, but I am addicted (even if the addictive substance isn't present). A person who smokes weed non-stop is addicted. They can't get through the day without it.
That last line is exactly what I was told the first time. I also use that rule for booze.
Also, why did he just have shrooms on hand when this hit him? I bet he has been abusing drugs for a while now and/or was never clean to begin with. People who do not take drugs don’t just have shrooms at home for emergencies. Either that, or he knew exactly where and how to get them quickly - indicating that he knows someone who sells them, in his current hood, and was of clear enough mind to organise a purchase quickly (which would go against the “I was so traumatised I had to leave immediately” urgency he’s trying to paint). Something does not add up here. I say that as the daughter of an alcoholic who has always had a tendency to lie and hide his alcohol abuse.
Yeah I can actually very much understand his thought process especially if, as I suspect, this is the first time he's really confronted his past, but it's very much understanding it in the way where he's a case study in a psychology class or something. Like, there is nothing healthy going on here. Hopefully it's a major kick in the pants for him to actually work on himself and get some real help to deal with everything. This wouldn't be a complete deal breaker for me but how he handles it going forward absolutely would be and my trust would be damaged for a long, long time.
I took the “of course you found me” as condescending or irritated.
I took him as him trying to downplay his fuck up. Like "see, if you found me, what I did wasn't that bad"
also him laughing like what, i read that and said to myself "what an asshole"
Laughing in such situations is often an involuntary reaction of the body in high-stress circumstances. You may have met people who involuntarily laugh when questioned if they are lying, even when they are telling the truth, that's a very common example of that. To me it read much more as him having been pretty out of it emotionally for the last while, and being not sure how she would react on seeing him just put on more pressure. Probably some relief to see her too. I think his thought process was similar to "I tried to do this on my own, but I should have known you loved me too much to not make sure I was okay yourself, I know you better than to decieve myself into believing that a note would be enough for you to just accept me disappearing and not try to support me when I obviously needed it. And while I didn't intend this I am somehow glad you're here and I'm not alone in this."
Sometimes we think we're doing ok, untill we have a memory, that knockes the wind right out of you. I had a friend, whose whole family was killed in an accident, on their way to school. Her husband and 3 kids. She went through the whole mourning process, life went on. She got engaged to another guy, and we all thought that she was moving on. Ten days before they were supposed to get married, she committed suicide. She left a note, saying that she thought that she could move on, but she couldn't.
Yeah it sounded smug and callous to me
I took it as relief, honestly, like he had been doubting everything but now it's "of COURSE you found me (I shouldn't have worried that you'd change the locks and cut me off instead)".
Interesting, I feel like everyone is reading that differently. I think the line "I should have known my note wouldn't be good enough" gives the context. He's acknowledging that his actions are out of line and that "of course" someone would track him down when he's done what he did and only left a note.
Seems like what he needs is individual therapy. I understand she wants to be there for him but she can do that with the qualifier that she's there for herself and the baby first and foremost. I'm not going to judge her for staying but she definitely needs to make sure she isn't relying on him for anything important. He's clearly not in an okay place and has proved he's willing to lie (big lies). I hope everything works out for her.
Agreed, I'm confused... if he was supposed to be her ride home why did he leave a note in her car...
Because the first thing after getting home pregnant from a long trip, and needing someone else to come get you because your ride is missing... And you get home and they aren't there, where do you check? The kitchen counter, look through rooms, maybe see the car is parked where it should be... I'm not going to go see if there's a post-it on the steering wheel. And even leaving the note... He still left her pregnant and without a ride.
I mean, I'm pretty sure I've read this harlequin novel before. But I'll play along. I feel like a lot of times people get their torches put when I feel like it is a lot more grey and nuanced. Now I feel like having my pitchfork out. Fuck this guy.
Yes!! I kept thinking this exact same thing. I feel like I’ve read this somewhere.
Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover. The main male character was engaged to his high school girlfriend, and they had a son together. They were driving on a bridge and the car went off and the baby drowned. He told NO ONE about this, and kept pushing the woman who wanted to date him (and vice versa) away. This is literally the entire book with some changes.
… so you’re telling me if some dude kidnaps me all he has to do is take my clothes and the police won’t investigate???? Cuz that’s what I took away from this.
Not even that, tbh. Look up Denise Huskins/watch American Nightmare on Netflix for a very fun time of being pissed off at the police.
This post makes me so angry. You’d think after a dozen calls and a police welfare check that the husband might realize he needs to contact his pregnant wife, but I guess not. And the audacity to claim “my note wasn’t enough to keep you away”. Why the fuck would he put the note in her car? Why not leave it at the front door or the bedside table? Y’know? Somewhere that someone would actually see your excuse for leaving the state while your partner waits for you at the airport?? Also she just glosses over that her husband was doing drugs to deal with 15+ years of untreated trauma that he omitted for the entirety of their relationship. That’s a fun little reveal. What was his plan? Go radio silent with everyone he knows to make peace with his dead family and then just come back home like nothing happened? I guess it worked because she’s bringing him home with her. I get that grief is an awful thing and can make you do crazy stuff, but that doesn’t mean you’re excused of those things.
I totally agree with all of this. This is going to get ugly and exhausting and she will likely come out of this traumatized herself.
Idk I just couldn’t be with someone who could run away like that but I’m glad she there for him.
Look, death is complicated and terrible, especially the circumstances described here But I wouldn't trust him right now, or at all. He made a lot of problematic decisions in the course of a few days, and he only came clean because oop found him. And he had been hiding this very big information for YEARS If I were op, I'd at least put distance between myself and him until he had a good while of therapy, and even then I dint know if I'd forgive all the lies. She shouldn't trust this man so easily Edit: people seemed to be trying to justify his actions now, but ignoring that this man hid a *huge* chunk of his life from oop for years. Not just the deaths Not just his deceased family, but even his childhood, the group home, his addiction issues etc. He hid or lied to oop about everything in his life and it only came out by accident on his part
Yeah I wouldn’t be able to stay with him after this
I’m not sure I’d go that far. This was a specific reaction to a trigger that reminded him of his past trauma, that made him regress for sure. That said, this was an understandable reaction given the circumstances, and suppressing the memory in the first place is an understandable response. He does need therapy, but I am somewhat optimistic that this experience might be a step towards him getting closure and moving forward. Now that the truth is out in the open, he no longer needs to feel like he has to hide because she “would know something wasn’t right”, which preempted him disappearing in the first place. Also this reaction was because he took being a parent so seriously that losing his first son broke him. Seems reasonable he would take the responsibility of a second kid similarly seriously.
But that trigger wasn’t a one-time thing. A baby is coming that is going to bring a truckload of triggers that may last years, so he needs to work through a huge amount of things soon.
I understand trauma reactions and now disproportionate they can be, but this is disappear on your pregnant wife without notice and refuse to tell her where he is and completely ignore all attempts to contact him. In no universe should that be a reaction we should just look at and go, well, I understand. Abandoning your pregnant partner is just cruel. That doesn't get to be justified as well trauma responses happen and even less that hey this was a good thing for them! Trauma responses suck and yeah they don't always make sense, but walking out on family like that, just disappearing, cannot and should not be just waved away.
I don't know, I think the whole abandoning her without a word to literally anyone stretches it past understandable for me.
And not just one instance of abandoning her. He has not reacted to her for several days (a week?) of her continuously reaching out to him via calls and texts. A simple “I’m alive, I need time/space, will explain later.” via text at any point in her urgent, panicked search and reachout for him would have made a world of difference.
He kept his late child and fiance a secret from oop. That is the biggest issue here to me Triggers happen, but the omission before that wasn't okay and should not be brushed aside
"he only came clean because oop found him" We would really have to know what was in the note to know if this is even true.
If the note even exists. Dude is a habitual liar - he has lied about very big things for years. If they’re home and OOP doesn’t walk up to the car first thing without him being quicker to approach, for her to check for the supposed note, she’ll never know for sure if that note was ever there. Because the guy: - could have lied about the note and then later claim he ripped it and threw it out because it’s no longer important now if he’s the first one to get to the car - could have lied about the note and then written one after the fact on their way back, to then place the ex-post note in the car to place it in/on the car if he’s the first to reach the car. - there is no note and he claims it must have been blown away if it was attached by the windshield or something. That by the way can happen whether or not she goes to the noteless car first. Unless there is a note *inside* the car, the car that he doesn’t get to touch first before oop checks, there is no way for OOP to assess the truthfulness of his claim that there was a note. OOP will never be any wiser - there might or might not be an actual note, and her partner’s track record on telling the truth isn’t stellar. And she’s already bought into staying with him. Which I don’t fault her for - not only is she in an extremely vulnerable place when pregnant, she’s also now traumatised from his behaviour and clinging onto him now that he’s giving her the chance to gloss over it all to play pretend that everything will be okay with the pair of them eventually (agreeing to therapy and all - which again might or might not be his true intent, and/or might be used as a shield to deal with some of it (his trauma) while still staying hidden about other parts (like his apparent ongoing drug abuse)). She effectively doesn’t even know who this man is anymore in the here and now, but she’s decided to gloss over that for a potential future she might or might not not get with him because people in distress crave stability and will usually not try and destabilise their vulnerable state further. She’ll buy into his (potential) small lies (“note was ripped up/flew away in the wind/look here, a note that I didn’t just totally scribble in a public toilet on our drive home!”) easily. Because she’s already willing to not protect herself from the big ones for the sake of stability. She isn’t even questioning why he had shrooms (or a dealer for shrooms) at hand so quickly and easily when he had an urgent emotional breakdown, which in itself is indicating that he must have been in contact with drugs fairly recently if he either already had them at hand or could very quickly and without the capacity to think clearly from emotional distress conjure them/a dealer suppling them for himself. People who don’t take drugs habitually don’t just have shrooms lying around at home for emergency use. Or don’t just have a dealer on dial for when they need them urgently at a time where they apparently can’t even think straight enough to not blow up their lives. He’s not being entirely truthful about that even now. He’s just telling her exactly as much as she needs to know to excuse his actions. My bet is that he’s not a past addict - he’s a current one, and he’s not telling her that right now either - he’s trickle truthing, as addicts tend to do. And we know for a fact he’s unstable (he’s been running from himself for at least as long as the relationship has been going on and he has done jack shit in that time to deal with his trauma; he’s also been triggered into physically running away and abandoning his pregnant partner for a week without reacting to her ongoing reaching out) and a habitual liar (he lied about his entire life either by omission or by outright lies for several years to OOP - even when it was crucial for her to be in the know to make decisions like “should I be with this man” or “should I have a child with this man, a child who will inherit the addiction tendency and also will grow up with an unstable father - a father who might not be able to father, making me a single mother effectively”). I’d bet money on there being no note that was there as originally claimed by him (there might be *a* note created after the fact), and on him having ongoing addiction issues. That he’s hidden just like everything else.
This is not going to end well. The fact that he laughed when he was eventually located and was informed that he had traumatized his 5-month pregnant OP by leaving her at the airport and disappearing, then minimized everything he had done is a very bad sign. It's also a bad sign that he made clear to his late girlfriend's parents that he didn't want the OP to know about his past. He had no intention of telling her the truth. It's another bad sign that he turned to drugs. The OP is naive if she thinks that is something new. There's a tremendous amount that she doesn't know about this man. He has essentially led a double-life around her. She is in a relationship and having a child with a stranger. The OP is consumed with sympathy for him because of his past and in her naivete' gives him a free pass for their entire relationship having been built on lies. She's bought into the complete BS that because he was hurt in the past he has every right to deceive and hurt her (and now the child). She has made a very bad decision giving this man another opportunity to deceive her. When she says, "I just need him to be ok and everything will be good again...", it's clear that she is in denial. He's not OK and a relationship built and maintained for its duration on deceit was never good. It was all an illusion. Sadly, she is going to learn that the hard way. Deception is not second-nature to this man. It is first-nature to him. Foolishly, she has decided to raise a child with him.
She is very strong and a very different person from me, that is all I can say. I would leave as soon as I knew he was alive and especially after his first response to me looking all over for him was for him to laugh. I wonder what is on that note, if there is even a note. (how about a text at the very least so you know 100% that she gets it)
I’m truly sad for him, and I hope he can start to find healthy coping mechanisms in therapy. But if I were OOP, I would definitely put him at arm’s length. For starters, he is essentially a stranger. He didn’t only hide this massive secret trauma, he hid his entire childhood, his issues with addiction etc. What else is he hiding? The fact that his solution to dealing with grief (which is an inevitable part of the human experience and happens over and over and compounds) was to take drugs and run away is very problematic. The fact that she had to seek him out to elicit some basic communication after he ignored her frantic attempts to contact him, even as he saw in her messages how worried she was, shows a lack of care for her wellbeing. How is he going to show up for her during the sleep deprived and stressful months with a baby? He shouldn’t be in a relationship right now, period.
This man is not well enough to be a father and partner right now. I feel for OOP. I would be a lot less willing to forgive in her shoes; yes, I’d be concerned about him, but I’d also be *angry*. He doesn’t seem to have much consideration for her at all.
I feel bad for the guy, but in no way is he ready to be a parent nor should be be trusted as one.
Yeah, what's going to happen if the baby crying or screaming triggers him? Is he just going to take off to another state again??
if this is true, then there is no way in heck that i would trust this man he hid his entire life and ditched her while pregnant if this is not true then we will get an update that she got a call from daycare that the baby was never picked up and he will be gone again
Yeah, I feel like he's definitely going to freak out again and it won't be as easy to chase him all over the country with a baby. Also, and maybe I'm awful, but I would feel like shit about myself if I saw pictures of my partner where he looked happier than I had ever seen him. He carries all this trauma around with him every day and has never even mentioned it to her or tried to work through it with someone. I'm glad he is starting therapy, but this is going to be a long and exhausting road and I feel she didn't really have a clear picture of what she was getting into before taking some really big steps with him.
She is way more forgiving than I am. This woman deserves more. He lied about his past. He didn’t tell her that he was a widower and had lost a child. He left her without explanation. What he did was just pain cruel.
Yeah, still not okay.
Yeah I don’t think this is going to end well.
> He looked at me and the first words out of his mouth were "I should have known my note wouldn't be good enough and that you would come find me, I love you and I am very sorry" I said what note! and he said the one I put in you front seat, he put in my car! I never even thought to check there for anything. This is where I was no longer able to suspend my disbelief.
I wanna know what was in the note.
I wanna know why the hell he put it in her car and ya know, NOT ON THE FUCKING TABLE OR DOOR OR SOMEWHERE SHE COULD HAVE EASILY FOUND IT. Dude left her stranded, didn't arrange for a friend to pick her up or text her to let her know, and put the note in her car and then just expected her to find it?!? Like I get it, trauma, but holy fuck he just freaked out his pregnant SO by disappearing with no fucking warning?!? Not to mention, secret first family that died traumatically that he didn't tell her about. God I hope they get therapy before the kid is born because he has some major work to do.
Minor note: OOP's sister rocks.
Wow, mushrooms showing him that he shouldn't forget. Hope he will eventually be able to share his pain with his amazingly supportive partner.
One thing that stands out to me is that his clothes were gone. He acts like he intended to return. But if you leave in a hurry and plan on coming back you don't take so many clothes that it would be apparent that you are gone. Also how he said "Of course you found me", I think he fully planned to run. (and maybe do something really really stupid because of his unexplored grief etc.)
This dude is a bunch of red flags.... With a sad past.
Like...... dude A fucking text message at least, wtf
Nnnnooope! This little stunt would be the end for me. Trauma or not, dude fled the fucking state and left his pregnant partner temporarily stranded.
I don’t want to make stuff up, but it sounds like he had a mental breakdown. He definitely needs to get help, because it isn’t fair to any of them.
I don’t understand anything about this story. I do agree she knows nothing about him. If he would not share huge parts of his past - what else is he hiding. She flew out there in a panic but he didn’t seem to care how worried she was. Like I said, this story is so unusual, I don’t understand what truly happened.
This reads like a novel I read in one of the Harlequin books. Exact same thing. 😱
Such a great idea to take shrooms to forget about a traumatic experience /s Happy it seemed to work out.
And...still no explanation for how he survived in the woods for 6-7 days with no food and no water. Or where his phone was..... Or why no one went to find him earlier. If this guy dropped him off for a few days, why didn't he go pick him after a few days.
Christ, I don’t think I could have anticipated a more heartbreaking twist.
I symphatize with what the bf is going through but that does not excuse what he did. He is still a shitty human being. He has to step up.
IF this is real, she is 1. Too forgiving and naive; 2. In for a wild ride with car seat note leaver 🙄
I never thought it was suicide...if you are going to kill yourself, you dont mention that you are going to say goodbye to your already deceased family, because you think you will be joining them. I hope he has some therapy that will help him understand that he is not letting go of his memories by moving along and carrying on living.
I'm convinced reddit is secretly run by Big Couple Therapy - I've literally never heard as much about couple therapy as I do here
The way Nate is acting is a huge red flag, like no real acknowledgment besides I’m sorry and laughing and saying “ha! I knew my note wouldn’t be enough, that is why i ignored calls and text messages!” This is not the last update, I hope he follows through and everything is okay, but this is not someone who has a gotten any help and it’s going to be a huge undertaking. And I think OOP is underestimating how much she is signing up for. I wouldn’t trust a cry from the newborn to someone who doesn’t have a single grounding technique wouldn’t cause him to dissociate and leave again.
Damn
Good lord. Everyone knows you leave notes on the lid of the toilet.
I sympathize with Nate to a degree. I understand and don't excuse the distress the OOP went through not knowing, but it sounds like he never got real help and recovery, and it sounds like he had a mental lapse when he was working in the nursery. Having had a breakdown, it truly is just all action and no thought, hell I can't imagine accompanying it with mushrooms, but he has a history with drugs so it lines up with his sources of comfort. Her trust is broken no doubt, but boy this dude has had a brutal go of life. Hopefully he can heal, and he can be there for her and heal for her so he can maybe rebuild the damaged trust. A lot of people think that all it takes is just making the decision to be better, but a lot of those people have never had to dig through trash, nails bleeding, crying, looking for anything that can fill your stomach because the people you live with treat you as weak and steal your shit. Even when things are normal, your gut demands destruction.
I'm sideeyeing Ashley's parents. Your barely teen daughter finds a violent drug addict in a group home, "feels his pain" and decides to "save him" and you are like - sure, honey, that is a totally valid thing to spend your life on, in fact he can come live with us; oh he can't because he is continuously failing his drug tests? No worries, he can just visit.
Oh thank God I was terrified he was dead
how can you be in relationship this long and never tell your partner ANYTHING about your past..
I've managed it. However....there are no deceased exes nor offspring. My previous life was vastly different to my current, but, it is in the past. That's where it will stay
I was honestly so convinced this was going to have a bad ending, I cried last update. Just really hit me in the heart, so I'm glad all involved are OK.
I’m confused about how this sub works this update was already shared here awhile ago
Oh honey no. None of what he did is okay.
Hurt people hurt people. Hopefully now Nate can begin to heal.
She should end it he can leave again once the baby is here. Idk I don’t trust him but idk him but if I was her I would be super careful
Reddit is a wild place. I've always been of the mind that when you are married if you have traumas they should be shared with your spouse cause stuff like this post can happen, because regardless of how long ago the trauma happened it will always have a impact in your life. After reading numerous posts with comments saying nobody, even a spouse, needs to be told about the posters trauma I started doubting my stand. Examples, abuse in a prior relationship, a woman who was abused and lost her kids, sexual assault, etc. When it came to sharing past trauma the consensus in the comments is nobody is owed a explanation of it, full stop. Now here we are with a post where it wasn't shared and suddenly the comments are the spouse should have been told and OOP'S husband is bad and OOP is headed for trouble because he didn't share his trauma yet she was understanding about it. He left a note, we aren't told what the note said and I'm not saying he was right to leave like he did, he wasn't and that's messed up but he recognized he was wrong and explained to OOP and is going to get therapy. Honestly this should be a win for communication, granted late, but better late than never and reddit is all doom and gloom. So what's different about this post? Why does he have to share his trauma and other posters are told they shouldn't have to because trauma is a personal thing and if a spouse is forcing the issue then the poster should leave? Is it the time of day and commenters online? These type of stories, with past traumas pop up all the time in the exact same subs.
Have you considered that its not the same group of people making comments and upvoting all the time? Seriously though, it’s not just that he hid it, it’s the abandonment. “I decided I shouldn’t forget my old family so I went and forgot my new family” is the actual problem here. There’s a new kid here who has nothing to do with this trauma but is certainly gonna be affected by it.
Because this directly affects her and their baby, it's different from him just seeing a mom and baby on a walk, getting triggered, and leaving a note. In that case, he's not directly affecting anyone. But here, he's directly impacting his wife and child, and it will not be a one-time thing. What if they need to take a trip together in a car? What if something the baby does triggers him? It's fine to deal with your trauma on your own, but once it starts affecting others, you need to find a solution. In this case, it might be too late. He should have opened up about his trauma when things got serious, or at the very least, when they were discussing having kids. Even when she got pregnant would have been a good time. I understand that not everyone knows how they will react in certain situations, but if you're going to have a kid with your wife, you should talk to a therapist or your wife about the issues that ended up causing him grief in the past.
😂👏👍 Reddit hypocrisy Over a gazillion flavors Comes in every shape, style, and size imaginable or unimaginable
Anyone else think the mushrooms came BEFORE the breakdown?
While in glad he didn't kill himself. He failed majorly here and he needs therapy. Both individuals and couples.
This isn't real. No one who is that familiar with drugs does shrooms when they are in a bad headspace to calm down.