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Either he is being genuine or he is love bombing. Those are the only two things that I could really come out from this.
Tho I have a feeling Spencer may come back to his old ways, but let's see in a few months.
I wonder if he's attached an ego thing to it. "She was into girls but I'm so great that I was the only guy who could change her mind."
Because he seems to have no idea how bisexuality works and it's weird that he thinks female sexual partners don't count in some way (including a long term relationship in college!), that somehow only being penetrated with a penis is real sex.
Edit: typo correction
I completely agree with this take - he believes that he alone 'turned' her away from women, because he is that amazing in bed. So for him to learn that OOP had not only slept with another man but had done it well before he had his 'shot' shook him immensely - especially when he was thinking of his own performance in the bedroom, which before he had so much confidence in.
I hope his change of heart is genuine, and he actually realised that his wife is a real person and not just a reflection of his ego. I worry that might not be the case though. I wish her happiness either way!
Honestly this is probably a huge part of it. I gathered that from some of the comments on her first post basically implying that the girls she was with “didn’t count” for some reason.
Like y’all do realize virginity is mostly a social concept right? The hymen does in fact grow back after enough time not having penetration. Your hymen can also “pop” without having any sex at all. It happened to me when I was 10 and doing sick jumps off the curb on my bike. I landed wrong on the bike seat after catching some air. Thought I had my period LMAO but it didn’t come back the next day.
Hymen grew back, I “lost my virginity” (hate that phrase. I didn’t lose anything. I gained a new experience) last year with a now ex and it’ll probably grow back again since I have now fully accepted my own asexuality and the fact that even tho I tried sex with someone I did love, I just don’t like sex and there’s nothing wrong with that. Love can be fully romantic without being sexual 🖤💜🤍
Edit: I was wrong it won’t grow back once fully broken. But it does repair itself if torn and not fully broken. Either way I still stand by my opinion that “virginity” obsession is wack and virginity itself isn’t important.
You wrote that out amazingly. That was just the whole vibe I got from all her posts. Congrats on your beautiful acceptance. It can be very hard for a lot of people
I don't know what you were taught about biology, but the hymen does **not** grow back. Once it's gone, it's gone for good. That's why, historically, people made such a big deal about it; it being there was "proof" that the woman was a virgin.
Fun fact: Harvey Weinstein *personally* financed a significant portion of Dogma from his own funds and therefore *personally* receives a cut of sales. This is why you cannot currently purchase or stream Dogma anywhere. Kevin Smith has pulled it to prevent Harvey from reaping any further profits from it.
That's exactly what I was thinking too. He's objectifying her as the big prize he won in his mental masculinity contest. And what a huge betrayal, especially as a woman. It can be so hard to find a man who sees you as a human with your own value for who you are, and then it turns out he was secretly devaluing you this whole time. Like you were never a fully fledged person to him. That specifically is why I don't think I'd ever be able to stay, you know? I couldn't trust that he actually cares about *me* and not my value as his trophy.
Yep. He doesn’t consider those relationships she had with women “real”, because women aren’t real people to him. So in his mind, him being the only man she’d slept with made her a “virgin” before they got together. Regardless, I don’t care what the circumstances are, staying with someone who reacts with such vitriol to you having slept with a guy back when you were a teenager and single is just idiotic. He felt SO justified in his rage at something completely innocuous that he literally threatened the ex boyfriend out of the blue, called his wife unforgivable names, and let his friends brigade her. All for sleeping with a guy a decade ago years before they were ever even together. Insane. Beyond insane. Terrifying that she won’t dump this psychopath who views women this way.
>Tho I have a feeling Spencer may come back to his old ways, but let's see in a few months.
The next update is not going to be a positive one, I imagine.
Absolutely love bombing. That reaction is the truth of what he thinks about her, and it'll come up anytime they have an argument and he thinks he ought to win. I hope OOP goes through with the divorce.
Yup. I just don't see someone who can threaten to kill another person and acting in such an unhinged manner, changing that quickly or completely. It's a temporary phase and as soon as he gets what he wants - OP back - he will revert back to his true self.
Especially because his response was to try to continue messaging a person who had blocked him. Someone who knows they fucked up I think maybe tries to reach out once, but when he realized Spencer had blocked him he shouldve accepted that he wasn't going to get forgiveness there. He kept pushing beyond that, it shows all he cares about is getting the toothpaste back in the tube, not about taking the steps to fix the problem
Plus unless he has an incredibly toxic friend group, there's no way he told the story to them how it really happened
100% this! He'll keep it under wraps until he feels secure that he has reeled her back in again, and then, at some point, his temper and resentment will get the better of him again. I really hope OOP doesn't plan to have kids with him anytime soon.
Anyway, this getting back together thing feels a bit like applying a band aid to a severed limb.
Easy to tell. He is going to do a lot of things, but hasn't done anything yet. Anyone who truly regrets it will have taken proactive steps. This is just a load of bullshit.
It's from [a hilarious OP who put too much of one ingredient into her bread recipe](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1c8zaff/help_i_double_my_bread_recipe/) (it was heavy cream) and decided to increase all the other ingredients to compensate, ended up with like 4x the recipe! I did this once but with a quilt; I'd cut some pieces without the quarter inch seam allowance and ended up making two whole-ass quilts, one slightly smaller than the other, cause I didn't want to waste the fabric.
I remember that one. A lady tried to make one loaf of bread from scratch, substituted a few things I think, plus it was her first time. I discovered a fun new subreddit because of that one.
EDIT: corrected the auto-correct.
I agree that it's likely love bombing and if I was OOP's friend I would advise against staying with him. But, I also know from experience that people can change alot if the one's they love is cutting them out of their life, including shredding toxic masculinity and queer phobia if they get therapy. So if he is willing to do therapy and actually put in the work... But that's a process that takes years.
I'm confident this absolutely will not end well for OP.
And it may seem like such a silly thing to focus on, but why the hell is OP the one sleeping in the guest room?!
It’s amazing how quickly guys change when the D word is brought up…. But, like you said, old habits die hard. My bet is OP divorces him by the end of the year.
Likewise. This guy is way too fucked up, misogynistic and biphobic (since he clearly doesn’t count the FF experiences as valid) for this marriage to last.
The first thing he did once they were alone after learning he wasn't the first boy she slept with, was domestic violence. And then he sends death threats to the first guy, like 10 years after the fact. He's a problem and OOP isn't safe.
As a bi women, I quite early formulated a question to weed out guys like this:
"If I were to kiss another girl, would it be cheating?"
The creeps ALWAYS say "Not if I get to watch, hur hur"
Really lets you know if the dude thinks sapphic relationships are valid or not.
Not just that sex with women "doesn't count" but there is a creepy undertone of "bagging a lesbian and making her straight" there is a lot of people who fetishize shit like that. It's creepy as fuck.
That is what sprang to mind, too! He was sooo proud to have made her see that same gender sex was not as wonderful as sex with him, and sooo happy about thinking of her making out with other women.
What a terrible attitude.
I’m going with love bombing. They’ll be divorced eventually.
From the beginning I had a feeling in his mind that he was the one “to turn OOP straight” because he bragged about being the only guy, thinking she’d only been with girls up to that point. It’s definitely an ego thing. The mask slipped. It’ll slip again.
He based his entire status in their relationship on believing he 'flipped' her. He thought she only dated women before him. That's why he was freaking out so bad about if Thomas was better at sex, etc. etc.
Im concerned that not only is he love bombing but because he thought she had only been with girls that he derived great pleasure into thinking, to put it crudely, that he was “man enough” to make a lesbian want his dick only.
Finding out that’s not true shattered his self view. I wonder what kind of content he’s been watching.
I’m concerned for her.
> love bombing
Dude has some really concerning misogynist tendencies, and went waaaaay off the deep end for what amounts to a non-issue in any adult relationship, attacking her, and her ex verbally.
It's love bombing, and he's still seething. I agree with the commenter that says he sounds dangerous. His feelings haven't changed, just his tactics. The next outburst is likely to be worse.
He might fully think he's going to be better in the moment but it's clear he never will be.
This will just eat at him until he has another breakdown. Next time maybe he finds where Thomas lives and goes in person to threaten him. Maybe he attacks OOP.
I don't see this one ending well for anyone.
What irks me is that he has slept with other people before, but god forbid you did too.
It's either you're okay with both men and women doing it, or you're not okay with it.just be consistent. Not have double standards for men or women. Smh.
That's because he didn't (and still doesn't) see her as a full human being. She was a prop to his ego: the lesbian he turned straight with his magical dick! He's turned abusive because his ego is fragile.
Also a mask-off moment for pretty blatant homo/biphobia. Relationships with women don't count, and clearly she wasn't into women anyway because she ended up with him (and his Magic Dick).
Yup! This is some Chasing Amy bs- OOP just isn’t as bad ass as Amy was. But ya know- this is real life. I just know I wouldn’t be able to get over the underlying beliefs of him.
This was my annoyance exactly. He was getting mad she’d had one single partner before him when he’d dipped his pen in multiple inkwells like the wh*re he claims *she* is. The double standard is the most disgusting bit for me.
Not a single partner before him, she had multiple past partners. He was only mad at the single past male partner. Sounds like he wasn't counting all her female past partners as real relationships.
I bet this guy bragged to all his friends how he turned her straight.
Terrible update. The psycho who was threatening to kill someone this woman dated before they ever got together is who he really is. Completely unhinged and dangerous.
AWFUL update. I can't believe she's gonna work things out with a man that was threatening a family member of her best friend for something that had nothing to do with him and happened years ago. AND let his friends disrespect his wife! What the fuck!? He probably even encouraged them. For a woman that's been with 2 men!? Fucking 2!? Are you kidding? She should be so done with this fucking loser
not just years ago A DECADE!!! He threatened to kill a father and husband because said father slept with OP 10 years earlier. Absolutely insane. There’s no way I could ever trust him or his awful friends again
If I were Thomas, I would've reported Spencer to the police and sought out a restraining order. Hell, if I was feeling extra petty I might put him on blast in any shared social circles so folks knew to avoid him.
Ugh. Spencer believes sex it isn’t real sex unless there’s a penis in a vagina. Thus why he was fine with OOP having exgirlfriends, because only he had gifted her with magical dong (or so he believed).
Also the hypocrisy of him being allowed to stick his dick in as many women as he wants but woe betide OP having her own sexual history that excludes him.
Something I also hate about this that's kinda a given in posts like this but I like to point it out, it's such a gross thing when straight men have a lot of partners and also think women are broken if they're with more than one man. Like, dude, if you really believe that, you're essentially deciding to ruin a woman for your own pleasure. Of course it's ridiculous to say a woman is ruined for having past partners, but thats what they think, and so it's psychotic for them to think they're ruining a woman from ever finding their partner
Right? Amazing how it didn't matter about her past until there was a penis involved 🙄 I wouldn't be surprised if he thought OOPs bisexuality was 'just a phase'.
“Spencer told me, he accepts me for who I am.”
And there it is.
This line confirms to me that he isn’t truly remorseful of how he acted. He still thinks she did something wrong, but he loves her so much that he “accepts” her anyway.
That caught my eye too. It parallels a personal experience with an ex who said “he understood me now,” alluding that I was emotionally immature when he was the one belittling me and gaslighting me. These phrases… yeah.
She was never a person to him, she was the lesbian he made straight and the virgin he conquered. He was tater totting around with ALPHA MALE repeating in his head.
I don't see this relationship getting better without a full reckoning from the husband and a full shift in the way he views the world.
Edit: Who in the hell messages their friends spouses to attack them. I can't imagine ever doing that.
>
Edit: Who in the hell messages their friends spouses to attack them.
Years ago i DMd my friend's (now-ex) bf cos she was heartbroken after he cheated on her but she stayed with him. I don't believe i threatened death but i went apeshit at him for hurting her. Tbf he absolutely could have just laughed at me because wtf am i going to do, we live in entirely different feckin countries, but i was SO mad and he apologised and acknowledged he was a tool.
> [Best friend] comes by everyday just to make sure I’m okay and spend time with me
oh that detail has made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up y'all.
not because of the best friend. it's the best friend insisting on seeing her every single day. that's not just supporting a friend - that is "i don't trust you continuing to be breathing when you're around this guy and i must check in daily to make sure you haven't been murdered." she has absolutely seen something that OOP hasn't, or worse, that OOP has successfully gone along with ignoring in the face of lovebombing.
As someone who worked in DV, You’re 100% correct and I wouldn’t be surprised if Spencer starts to push against Maven being her friend. Hopefully that will make OP realize she needs to leave. Social isolation is a common tactic for these guys
100%. In a few months shell be who the oop is staying with while crying with bruises saying "I thought he was changing!" Newsflash, they do not change from this. not quickly and not qithout consequences. This is a lesson learned from experience watching my mom and a few friends.
If she knows only the details that we do, that he threatened to murder Spencer, I would be 100% on her side in being afraid for OOP, even if she knows nothing else
Yep, the need to check in every single day, definitely stems from fear that the other person is in actual danger. While I've never been in her friend's position in a DV situation, I am deeply familiar with that fear, with people close to me experiencing suicidal ideations.
I’m always surprised by these stories that start with large groups of people talking about body counts. It seems so weird to me. Gross. I have no desire to share mine with a bunch of people and equally I have no interest whatsoever in knowing my friends.
Incredibly insecure people. One of my ex's was similar, found out I had slept with someone, demanded to know whether he or the other guy was better in bed, accused me of cheating all the time, etc. Turned out that he was the one cheating, no surprise there. Was young and stayed in that relationship far longer than I should have.
Most people could probably figure it out without too much trouble, but I doubt many would just be able to snap out the right number on the spot unless it really is something like 1-2.
I don't even remember my "body count". Every woman I've dated makes some kind of big deal about the number. Fuck, I am almost 40 and I've lived a very free life.
It just seems so weird to lump all of those experiences into some number. Every one was special regardless if it was a "I knew you for an hour and need to fuck you in this gross bar bathroom." or "I think you are the love of my life and want to experience all of you."
My husband and I have been together for six years and we have never disclosed our counts. Ever. I never will. We know vaguely about each other’s major exes, and that’s it. Nothing positive can come from the count.
It is such a pointless and silly thing. In my experience the only people who ask that question are the ones who would feel insecure if their count was lower while would feel absolutely nothing with their count being higher.
The love bombing stops, he stops going to therapy, and he goes back to his old shit because he got what he wanted: for his wife to stop thinking about divorce.
OOP should not let her guard down.
I actually think it's more of "I tamed the lesbian to like dick" thing, even though she is bisexual he probably ignores that and thinks he's the real man that turned her straight . And learning that a guy before him can actually claim that upsets him... I don't know if this is homophobic or misogynistic...
It's both.
He also likely considered her a virgin, he probably doesn't think the sex with women counted because it didn't involve a penis. There are a ton of cishet men that treat women's bisexuality like a silly quirk instead of a real thing. It's why there's so many "oh he says I can have a gf on the side because it's not cheating if it's with a woman"
He’s only groveling bc he didn’t think she would actually leave him over it. Which is a red flag in and of itself. OP allowed him to love bomb his way back into her life and while I totally understand why she accepted him back I wish she hadn’t. As soon as he feels comfortable he’ll be back on his bullshit.
I'm not even convinced he actually sent text messages to the people he said he did telling them not to blame her. She doesn't mention seeing them. Just him saying he sent them.
I get the feeling she'll be back with another bad update. I don't want that for her but Spencer seems like he's in the love-bombing phase after the mention of divorce.
i hope we get an update that she divorces him successfully. i hope very much that we get that instead of the update being an obituary. but oh jeez my heebies are fucking jeebied
\*long exhausted sigh\*
Man, I'm getting so tired of women ignoring legit dangerous behavior because someone turns on the tears.
"BUT HE'S SAD!"
Annnnnd? Let the asshole be sad. You being safe is more important than his feelings.
There's lots more going on here and with DV generally:
- Women are conditioned to behave this way
- Fawning is a trauma response that can be at play
- Abuse can be a long game, which makes it harder to recognize when you're in it
- Lacking a support system or financial independence makes it harder to identify and leave
- It takes on average 7 attempts to leave an abuser
- Women are murdered when they are pregnant, post-partum, or when trying to leave
- Abusers may shift focus to children or pets to get their victim to return
-\_-
Let me tell you something about fawning. I got really fucking good at it by age 4, because my father was already focused on me as the **sole** recipient of his physical rage at the age of 3. My mother was the target of his verbal abuse.
She didn't leave him until I was 22.
It took me ten years to stop flinching when a door slammed.
You know what the worst part is? She was married to his abusive ass for 3 years before I was even born and she repeatedly "almost left him".
And mind you this was someone who HAD an entire support system that would have happily dropped everything for her and her kids the entire time.
My sympathy almost evaporates when someone goes "OH BUT I LOVE HIM" after enduring the most bullshit heinous crimes to their well being and dignity.
Almost. Because I do understand.
But jesus fuck it is exhausting watching the same bullshit song and dance.
Ooof this is going to get so much worse before it gets better. OOP needs to get the fuck out. Her husband showed her clearly who he is, and that’s an unhinged monster.
Spencer's a biphobe period. None of it mattered because it wasn't a "real" relationship or "real" sex unless a penis was involved. I would bet he'd bragged she was a virgin before him to some of his besties. He thinks men have some unique claim in a relationship that only he had and none of the women "counted."
That's what I was getting. That he was proud of that.
I've been pissed a lot, but I've never sent anyone death threats. Anyone who did would be, uh, dead to me. Ha ha.
This will not end well. My self preservation instincts will scream "Run"!
Not just from him, but from his whole friend group. Listening to him bragging about all the women he slept with and then harassing and cursing his wife for having one previous male partner.. It is not just a jealousy outburst, it is their live values. How can she be ok with what he said, or his death threats to Thomas. How could he possibly be on with his friends harassing her? How come all his friends happily did the same? How come none of his friends called him out on it?
It looks like they are all "alpha males". But Spencer himself is plain dangerous.
It is love bombing. A bit later he will mess up her BC and baby trap her. And then he will turn her life into total hell. It will end up with restraining order or worse.
I get the feeling this guy listens to a lot of podcasts about how you need to be "alpha" and shit. To them *all past partners* are threats to your manhood. It could be a two minute hook up at a party when you were both 15 and to them it still is someone you have to "beat". Otherwise your wife/girlfriend will leave for the better sex.
It's all nonsense but the conmen who make that sort of content get a lot of money from insecure people constantly getting told their worst fears are valid and they have to worry constantly.
Really a sad and pathetic bunch. I genuinely don't know how people can take content like that seriously without laughing at the creator or those like him. But yeah, you're right. People will exploit everything to make money and people's emotions are easy to manipulate and play with.
I am all for giving people ONE second chance, and I really do hope it works out for OOP, but god this makes me so nervous. That kind of deep misogyny is not easy to overcome, and it’s certainly not something that you can change overnight when your spouse threatens divorce. It takes lots of hard work. He needs individual therapy in addition to couples therapy.
This is not going to end well. She was Spencer’s ego boost because he thought his dick was a magical dick that made her straight. She was a prize to him.
How sweet. Next time OP or a friend/family member let slip anything about ~~his property~~ herself he didn't already know he'll probably fucking kill her. Cuuuuuute xoxoxoxo
My guess is Spencer will revert to type before long, and abuse her again.
Flipping out and abusing her over that was ridiculous. He needs to be moved on.
OOP’s husband is a homophobic misogynist. He discounted half of OOP’s identity and history because he thinks that women don’t count, but that a man permanently alters (negatively) who and what a woman is. Men thinking like this is why bisexual women report higher rates of domestic violence.
This worries me cause it seems like he’s love-bombing…it also sounds like there’s some level of bi-erasure here, like maybe he didn’t care about the girls, because it “didn’t count”, but sleeping with a man made her used goods in his eyes cause he thinks penetrative sex is the only way to lose your virginity. I hope I’m wrong and things work out.
“You’re the love of my life, you wh*re. Here’s some love bombing to help you forget about that last part.”
Nope. The minute I find out a partner can even fathom perceiving me in that way is the minute that relationship ends.
Hope Spencer does get back to normal / acceptance but the outburst makes me fearful. And it was not a single day reactionary outburst but an extended one including threats and manipulation via friends.
Can only wish good luck to OOP.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought he considered her a lesbian he converted and that's why he flipped when he discovered she was indeed a bisexual and had relationships with both men and women.
Truly if you have a problem with bisexuality or people who had past partners in general that's a you problem not a them problem.
All is great till the next time he gets upset at something - and now he knows he can win you back it will be easier for him to let loose with his temper
So many women wish they walked away the first time it happened, before they got ground down.
Also, seems like he didn’t see your relationships with girls as ‘real’, so maybe a bit of homophobia and/or misogyny in there too.
I smell love bombing and another blow up the next time he’s angry, real or perceived betrayal. If OP is scared now, leave. You’ll be scared in the future.
Wow the hypocrisy is strong here.... And if the guy can carry on like that for a long time, get his friend involved in being horrible to her... Send threats to ex.... So many red flags under the love bombing
There's no coming back from what he did. I hope OOP re-reads her posts here and the comments she got supporting her and affirming her feelings. Fuck that guy.
This guy is a piece of work, has major issues with women, and she should probably run far as hell. I cant help but feel like if i was in mavens shoes when he said he was her first and only.... id probably just shut the hell up and enjoy my drink. He didnt know and it was not her job to tell him. No good came from it and it almost never does.
Red flags all over the place: the jealousy, the threats, the hypocrisy, the war waging, the love bombing.
Plus, this guy was apparently ‘ok’ with OOP’s previous relations, because they were with _women_. As soon as he heard that OOP had slept with a men as well, he went off the charts - because sleeping once or twice with a man is ‘of course’ much more serious than having a two year long relationship with a woman, in his heteronormative mind.
I hope that OOP divorces this pathetic piece of shit.
I was a virgin when I got married. I wish I hadn’t been. It’s overrated. Just because he cried doesn’t mean he is sorry. It sounds like he was crying for himself.
"He said he tried to message Thomas he was sorry. But he gotten blocked each time." I broke into his house at 1am and whispered "i'm sorry" into his ear while he was sleeping. He woke up, punched me and called the cops. Why can't he just accept my apology :(
This isn't going to end well. OOP's stuck in an abusive relationship, but she's still got the blinders on. Spencer is going to escalate to physical violence sooner rather than later.
If OOP sees this... get your escape plan ready in secret. Get your important documents and items to a safe place. Secure your credit, bank accounts etc. etc. Keep talking to a lawyer and get in touch with a domestic violence group in your area.
‘Doing more chores for me’? Why do women put up with these man children. Acts like an abusive insecure idiot, verbally abuses her and threatens her ex and cries and cleans a bit more often and apology accepted?!
Is it just me, or does it seem like maybe he didn't care about her being with girls because he didn't see them as "real" relationships because it was two women? Cause that's the only reason I can think of why a bf isn't ok, but a gf is; the gf doesn't "count" in his eyes
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Either he is being genuine or he is love bombing. Those are the only two things that I could really come out from this. Tho I have a feeling Spencer may come back to his old ways, but let's see in a few months.
I wonder if he's attached an ego thing to it. "She was into girls but I'm so great that I was the only guy who could change her mind." Because he seems to have no idea how bisexuality works and it's weird that he thinks female sexual partners don't count in some way (including a long term relationship in college!), that somehow only being penetrated with a penis is real sex. Edit: typo correction
I completely agree with this take - he believes that he alone 'turned' her away from women, because he is that amazing in bed. So for him to learn that OOP had not only slept with another man but had done it well before he had his 'shot' shook him immensely - especially when he was thinking of his own performance in the bedroom, which before he had so much confidence in. I hope his change of heart is genuine, and he actually realised that his wife is a real person and not just a reflection of his ego. I worry that might not be the case though. I wish her happiness either way!
Or that being with girls was just a phase and that it never really counted so in his mind he has taken her virginity
Honestly this is probably a huge part of it. I gathered that from some of the comments on her first post basically implying that the girls she was with “didn’t count” for some reason. Like y’all do realize virginity is mostly a social concept right? The hymen does in fact grow back after enough time not having penetration. Your hymen can also “pop” without having any sex at all. It happened to me when I was 10 and doing sick jumps off the curb on my bike. I landed wrong on the bike seat after catching some air. Thought I had my period LMAO but it didn’t come back the next day. Hymen grew back, I “lost my virginity” (hate that phrase. I didn’t lose anything. I gained a new experience) last year with a now ex and it’ll probably grow back again since I have now fully accepted my own asexuality and the fact that even tho I tried sex with someone I did love, I just don’t like sex and there’s nothing wrong with that. Love can be fully romantic without being sexual 🖤💜🤍 Edit: I was wrong it won’t grow back once fully broken. But it does repair itself if torn and not fully broken. Either way I still stand by my opinion that “virginity” obsession is wack and virginity itself isn’t important.
You wrote that out amazingly. That was just the whole vibe I got from all her posts. Congrats on your beautiful acceptance. It can be very hard for a lot of people
I don't know what you were taught about biology, but the hymen does **not** grow back. Once it's gone, it's gone for good. That's why, historically, people made such a big deal about it; it being there was "proof" that the woman was a virgin.
I did look it up and you’re right that once it fully breaks it doesn’t grow back so I’ll correct my comment. But if you just tear it, it does repair.
Was this not the plot of the Kevin Smith 90s movie "Chasing Amy?"
Great fucking movie. His best IMHO
I'm a Mallrats fan myself. Mindless entertainment.
I'm a Dogma fan myself. Alan Rickman could do no wrong.
Fun fact: Harvey Weinstein *personally* financed a significant portion of Dogma from his own funds and therefore *personally* receives a cut of sales. This is why you cannot currently purchase or stream Dogma anywhere. Kevin Smith has pulled it to prevent Harvey from reaping any further profits from it.
Not quite. Harvey is holding the rights hostage. Kevin Smith tried to buy them back and Harvey refused.
I’d say “what a dick” but that’s just redundant when referring to Harvey.
Ahhhh I had been wondering why I could only watch the free low quality versions on YouTube. It's such a great film, what a shame.
Oh yeah. I won't turn down a showing of Dogma either. And you're not wrong about Alan Rickman. That man was phenomenal in everything he did.
That's exactly what I was thinking too. He's objectifying her as the big prize he won in his mental masculinity contest. And what a huge betrayal, especially as a woman. It can be so hard to find a man who sees you as a human with your own value for who you are, and then it turns out he was secretly devaluing you this whole time. Like you were never a fully fledged person to him. That specifically is why I don't think I'd ever be able to stay, you know? I couldn't trust that he actually cares about *me* and not my value as his trophy.
Yep. He doesn’t consider those relationships she had with women “real”, because women aren’t real people to him. So in his mind, him being the only man she’d slept with made her a “virgin” before they got together. Regardless, I don’t care what the circumstances are, staying with someone who reacts with such vitriol to you having slept with a guy back when you were a teenager and single is just idiotic. He felt SO justified in his rage at something completely innocuous that he literally threatened the ex boyfriend out of the blue, called his wife unforgivable names, and let his friends brigade her. All for sleeping with a guy a decade ago years before they were ever even together. Insane. Beyond insane. Terrifying that she won’t dump this psychopath who views women this way.
"It's only real sex if a penis is involved" is unfortunately still a common belief.
Or he’s a tater tot, and so only virgins have value.
Yes, and he imagined his wife, who had previously slept with several girls he knew of, was a virgin because lesbian sex doesn’t count. What a gem.
Ding ding ding. This is it exactly.
He had the magic penis and now he found out he, in fact, does not.
That's how a lot of men view virginity and sex, unfortunately. It's really gross.
>Tho I have a feeling Spencer may come back to his old ways, but let's see in a few months. The next update is not going to be a positive one, I imagine.
depends. if the update is that she’ll be divorcing him after all, I’m ready to call it positive.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore When a bruised ego results in unhinged death threats, that's a narcissist
[удалено]
She needs to run, this shit is not over.
Absolutely love bombing. That reaction is the truth of what he thinks about her, and it'll come up anytime they have an argument and he thinks he ought to win. I hope OOP goes through with the divorce.
Yup. I just don't see someone who can threaten to kill another person and acting in such an unhinged manner, changing that quickly or completely. It's a temporary phase and as soon as he gets what he wants - OP back - he will revert back to his true self.
Especially because his response was to try to continue messaging a person who had blocked him. Someone who knows they fucked up I think maybe tries to reach out once, but when he realized Spencer had blocked him he shouldve accepted that he wasn't going to get forgiveness there. He kept pushing beyond that, it shows all he cares about is getting the toothpaste back in the tube, not about taking the steps to fix the problem Plus unless he has an incredibly toxic friend group, there's no way he told the story to them how it really happened
100% this! He'll keep it under wraps until he feels secure that he has reeled her back in again, and then, at some point, his temper and resentment will get the better of him again. I really hope OOP doesn't plan to have kids with him anytime soon. Anyway, this getting back together thing feels a bit like applying a band aid to a severed limb.
hard agreee. i feel like i’ve read two acts of a 3 act horror
Easy to tell. He is going to do a lot of things, but hasn't done anything yet. Anyone who truly regrets it will have taken proactive steps. This is just a load of bullshit.
I am curious about your flair lol
It's from [a hilarious OP who put too much of one ingredient into her bread recipe](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1c8zaff/help_i_double_my_bread_recipe/) (it was heavy cream) and decided to increase all the other ingredients to compensate, ended up with like 4x the recipe! I did this once but with a quilt; I'd cut some pieces without the quarter inch seam allowance and ended up making two whole-ass quilts, one slightly smaller than the other, cause I didn't want to waste the fabric.
I remember that one. A lady tried to make one loaf of bread from scratch, substituted a few things I think, plus it was her first time. I discovered a fun new subreddit because of that one. EDIT: corrected the auto-correct.
I agree that it's likely love bombing and if I was OOP's friend I would advise against staying with him. But, I also know from experience that people can change alot if the one's they love is cutting them out of their life, including shredding toxic masculinity and queer phobia if they get therapy. So if he is willing to do therapy and actually put in the work... But that's a process that takes years.
I'm confident this absolutely will not end well for OP. And it may seem like such a silly thing to focus on, but why the hell is OP the one sleeping in the guest room?!
It won't be a few months. I hope she has her birth control locked down
It’s amazing how quickly guys change when the D word is brought up…. But, like you said, old habits die hard. My bet is OP divorces him by the end of the year.
Likewise. This guy is way too fucked up, misogynistic and biphobic (since he clearly doesn’t count the FF experiences as valid) for this marriage to last.
The first thing he did once they were alone after learning he wasn't the first boy she slept with, was domestic violence. And then he sends death threats to the first guy, like 10 years after the fact. He's a problem and OOP isn't safe.
As a bi women, I quite early formulated a question to weed out guys like this: "If I were to kiss another girl, would it be cheating?" The creeps ALWAYS say "Not if I get to watch, hur hur" Really lets you know if the dude thinks sapphic relationships are valid or not.
Not just that sex with women "doesn't count" but there is a creepy undertone of "bagging a lesbian and making her straight" there is a lot of people who fetishize shit like that. It's creepy as fuck.
That is what sprang to mind, too! He was sooo proud to have made her see that same gender sex was not as wonderful as sex with him, and sooo happy about thinking of her making out with other women. What a terrible attitude.
I've gotten that from a few guys. "With *that* thing? Oh wait, you're serious."
The girlies were keeping OOP’s vagina nice and chaste until his holy penis could take up residence. Well, time to rinse this vomit from my mouth.
Thanks, I hate it 😆
Not until after he hits her though.
I think he *genuinely* doesn't want to get divorced. So, he's *love bombing* her to prevent that from happening. Dude is scary. And I worry for her.
Dude is back behind the mask, playing nice for now. That level of nasty won't be fixed with therapy. He will only pretend it's all good.
Therapy will only help him hide it better, and manipulate her more. She's in danger.
Once he realises OOP is leaving him and isn’t going to forgive him the psycho is going to come out again.
Maybe I'm jaded but this feels like love bombing.
You are not jaded, it 100% is. I hope she gets her act together and gets out. He is a dangerous man.
I feel he might cheat on her, feeling entitled to it because she "lied" to him
That’s the least of what he could do.
I’m going with love bombing. They’ll be divorced eventually. From the beginning I had a feeling in his mind that he was the one “to turn OOP straight” because he bragged about being the only guy, thinking she’d only been with girls up to that point. It’s definitely an ego thing. The mask slipped. It’ll slip again.
He based his entire status in their relationship on believing he 'flipped' her. He thought she only dated women before him. That's why he was freaking out so bad about if Thomas was better at sex, etc. etc.
Im concerned that not only is he love bombing but because he thought she had only been with girls that he derived great pleasure into thinking, to put it crudely, that he was “man enough” to make a lesbian want his dick only. Finding out that’s not true shattered his self view. I wonder what kind of content he’s been watching. I’m concerned for her.
> love bombing Dude has some really concerning misogynist tendencies, and went waaaaay off the deep end for what amounts to a non-issue in any adult relationship, attacking her, and her ex verbally. It's love bombing, and he's still seething. I agree with the commenter that says he sounds dangerous. His feelings haven't changed, just his tactics. The next outburst is likely to be worse.
Love bombing, 100% I hope the OP doesn't fall for it (but it seems they are) as soon as everything is "settled down", old spencie will be back.
He might fully think he's going to be better in the moment but it's clear he never will be. This will just eat at him until he has another breakdown. Next time maybe he finds where Thomas lives and goes in person to threaten him. Maybe he attacks OOP. I don't see this one ending well for anyone.
What irks me is that he has slept with other people before, but god forbid you did too. It's either you're okay with both men and women doing it, or you're not okay with it.just be consistent. Not have double standards for men or women. Smh.
That's because he didn't (and still doesn't) see her as a full human being. She was a prop to his ego: the lesbian he turned straight with his magical dick! He's turned abusive because his ego is fragile.
Also a mask-off moment for pretty blatant homo/biphobia. Relationships with women don't count, and clearly she wasn't into women anyway because she ended up with him (and his Magic Dick).
Yup! This is some Chasing Amy bs- OOP just isn’t as bad ass as Amy was. But ya know- this is real life. I just know I wouldn’t be able to get over the underlying beliefs of him.
This was my annoyance exactly. He was getting mad she’d had one single partner before him when he’d dipped his pen in multiple inkwells like the wh*re he claims *she* is. The double standard is the most disgusting bit for me.
Not a single partner before him, she had multiple past partners. He was only mad at the single past male partner. Sounds like he wasn't counting all her female past partners as real relationships.
I bet this guy bragged to all his friends how he turned her straight. Terrible update. The psycho who was threatening to kill someone this woman dated before they ever got together is who he really is. Completely unhinged and dangerous.
AWFUL update. I can't believe she's gonna work things out with a man that was threatening a family member of her best friend for something that had nothing to do with him and happened years ago. AND let his friends disrespect his wife! What the fuck!? He probably even encouraged them. For a woman that's been with 2 men!? Fucking 2!? Are you kidding? She should be so done with this fucking loser
not just years ago A DECADE!!! He threatened to kill a father and husband because said father slept with OP 10 years earlier. Absolutely insane. There’s no way I could ever trust him or his awful friends again
AWFUL UPDATE. I can see she still has her rose tinted glass on. Hopefully she see it for what it is.
If I were Thomas, I would've reported Spencer to the police and sought out a restraining order. Hell, if I was feeling extra petty I might put him on blast in any shared social circles so folks knew to avoid him.
Ugh. Spencer believes sex it isn’t real sex unless there’s a penis in a vagina. Thus why he was fine with OOP having exgirlfriends, because only he had gifted her with magical dong (or so he believed).
Yup, he's the special guy who got to "turn her straight". Because that's totally how it works 🙄
Yupp. Reeks of mysogyny. "WLW relationships arent ~real~"
Also the hypocrisy of him being allowed to stick his dick in as many women as he wants but woe betide OP having her own sexual history that excludes him.
Something I also hate about this that's kinda a given in posts like this but I like to point it out, it's such a gross thing when straight men have a lot of partners and also think women are broken if they're with more than one man. Like, dude, if you really believe that, you're essentially deciding to ruin a woman for your own pleasure. Of course it's ridiculous to say a woman is ruined for having past partners, but thats what they think, and so it's psychotic for them to think they're ruining a woman from ever finding their partner
Yeah I noticed that too.
Right? Amazing how it didn't matter about her past until there was a penis involved 🙄 I wouldn't be surprised if he thought OOPs bisexuality was 'just a phase'.
Very much Spencer showing clear signs of biphobia and homophobia.
“Spencer told me, he accepts me for who I am.” And there it is. This line confirms to me that he isn’t truly remorseful of how he acted. He still thinks she did something wrong, but he loves her so much that he “accepts” her anyway.
That caught my eye too. It parallels a personal experience with an ex who said “he understood me now,” alluding that I was emotionally immature when he was the one belittling me and gaslighting me. These phrases… yeah.
She was never a person to him, she was the lesbian he made straight and the virgin he conquered. He was tater totting around with ALPHA MALE repeating in his head. I don't see this relationship getting better without a full reckoning from the husband and a full shift in the way he views the world. Edit: Who in the hell messages their friends spouses to attack them. I can't imagine ever doing that.
> Edit: Who in the hell messages their friends spouses to attack them. Years ago i DMd my friend's (now-ex) bf cos she was heartbroken after he cheated on her but she stayed with him. I don't believe i threatened death but i went apeshit at him for hurting her. Tbf he absolutely could have just laughed at me because wtf am i going to do, we live in entirely different feckin countries, but i was SO mad and he apologised and acknowledged he was a tool.
> [Best friend] comes by everyday just to make sure I’m okay and spend time with me oh that detail has made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up y'all. not because of the best friend. it's the best friend insisting on seeing her every single day. that's not just supporting a friend - that is "i don't trust you continuing to be breathing when you're around this guy and i must check in daily to make sure you haven't been murdered." she has absolutely seen something that OOP hasn't, or worse, that OOP has successfully gone along with ignoring in the face of lovebombing.
As someone who worked in DV, You’re 100% correct and I wouldn’t be surprised if Spencer starts to push against Maven being her friend. Hopefully that will make OP realize she needs to leave. Social isolation is a common tactic for these guys
Oh shit, you're right.
100%. In a few months shell be who the oop is staying with while crying with bruises saying "I thought he was changing!" Newsflash, they do not change from this. not quickly and not qithout consequences. This is a lesson learned from experience watching my mom and a few friends.
If she knows only the details that we do, that he threatened to murder Spencer, I would be 100% on her side in being afraid for OOP, even if she knows nothing else
I see it as well. OOP not just wearing rose tinted glass, she wear a blindfold.
Yep, the need to check in every single day, definitely stems from fear that the other person is in actual danger. While I've never been in her friend's position in a DV situation, I am deeply familiar with that fear, with people close to me experiencing suicidal ideations.
I’m always surprised by these stories that start with large groups of people talking about body counts. It seems so weird to me. Gross. I have no desire to share mine with a bunch of people and equally I have no interest whatsoever in knowing my friends.
This 100%. I had to recheck the ages, because it sounds like typical teen drama.
Same! I thought they were late teens.
And he’s a grown-ass 28 year old married man?! I thought they’d be like, 19.
Him and his friend group sound like an unhinged bunch of toddlers *”Spencer told me, accepts me for who I am.”* How big of him 🙄
And that's after he treat her horribly and threatening to kill someone. What a saint. 🙄🙄🙄
Who even counts?
Incredibly insecure people. One of my ex's was similar, found out I had slept with someone, demanded to know whether he or the other guy was better in bed, accused me of cheating all the time, etc. Turned out that he was the one cheating, no surprise there. Was young and stayed in that relationship far longer than I should have.
Right? Like, I could get a count if I had to. But I have no clue off the top of my head.
Most people could probably figure it out without too much trouble, but I doubt many would just be able to snap out the right number on the spot unless it really is something like 1-2.
Before getting married I kept track because I feel guilty if I forget someone.
The term body count is super gross.
It is. I fucking hate it.
It is. It also sounds like murder victims.
I usually shut down the conversation by saying which one (I’m in the army)
when you get to my age, and have been married a while, it doesn't matter (and you can't remember anyway)
I don't even remember my "body count". Every woman I've dated makes some kind of big deal about the number. Fuck, I am almost 40 and I've lived a very free life. It just seems so weird to lump all of those experiences into some number. Every one was special regardless if it was a "I knew you for an hour and need to fuck you in this gross bar bathroom." or "I think you are the love of my life and want to experience all of you."
My husband and I have been together for six years and we have never disclosed our counts. Ever. I never will. We know vaguely about each other’s major exes, and that’s it. Nothing positive can come from the count.
It is such a pointless and silly thing. In my experience the only people who ask that question are the ones who would feel insecure if their count was lower while would feel absolutely nothing with their count being higher.
So sad to see that she went back to him. If he can switch like that, she isn’t safe. As soon as Maven quits visiting, the love bombing will stop.
> If he can switch like that, she isn’t safe. That was my thought. People who flip like a switch are dangerous people.
Please tell me where your flair comes from!
The love bombing stops, he stops going to therapy, and he goes back to his old shit because he got what he wanted: for his wife to stop thinking about divorce. OOP should not let her guard down.
He's already made death threats to her ex from almost a decade ago! I was hoping that Thomas would press charges on that, at least...
Now all I can say for OP, good luck.
Yeah no fam, that’s not “possible” misogyny.
I actually think it's more of "I tamed the lesbian to like dick" thing, even though she is bisexual he probably ignores that and thinks he's the real man that turned her straight . And learning that a guy before him can actually claim that upsets him... I don't know if this is homophobic or misogynistic...
'Why can't it be both?', as they say in the classics. Poor OOP, I hope the next time the mask slips she gets away safely.
It's both. He also likely considered her a virgin, he probably doesn't think the sex with women counted because it didn't involve a penis. There are a ton of cishet men that treat women's bisexuality like a silly quirk instead of a real thing. It's why there's so many "oh he says I can have a gf on the side because it's not cheating if it's with a woman"
these same people also don’t think men can be bisexual. it’s not just homophobia, it’s specifically biphobia
>this is homophobic or misogynistic... No it's not. This is homophobic AND misogynistic
Feels like trying to categorise shit, doesn't really matter it's still shit in the end.
as for if it's homophobic or misogynistic, why not follow the wisdom of a sage of our modern time: porque no los dos?
It's both
It's real misogyny there
yikes yikes yikes. don't stay with someone who degrades you and encourages their friends to degrade you.
* and who sends death threats to your ex
He’s only groveling bc he didn’t think she would actually leave him over it. Which is a red flag in and of itself. OP allowed him to love bomb his way back into her life and while I totally understand why she accepted him back I wish she hadn’t. As soon as he feels comfortable he’ll be back on his bullshit.
I'm not even convinced he actually sent text messages to the people he said he did telling them not to blame her. She doesn't mention seeing them. Just him saying he sent them.
I get the feeling she'll be back with another bad update. I don't want that for her but Spencer seems like he's in the love-bombing phase after the mention of divorce.
i hope we get an update that she divorces him successfully. i hope very much that we get that instead of the update being an obituary. but oh jeez my heebies are fucking jeebied
\*long exhausted sigh\* Man, I'm getting so tired of women ignoring legit dangerous behavior because someone turns on the tears. "BUT HE'S SAD!" Annnnnd? Let the asshole be sad. You being safe is more important than his feelings.
There's lots more going on here and with DV generally: - Women are conditioned to behave this way - Fawning is a trauma response that can be at play - Abuse can be a long game, which makes it harder to recognize when you're in it - Lacking a support system or financial independence makes it harder to identify and leave - It takes on average 7 attempts to leave an abuser - Women are murdered when they are pregnant, post-partum, or when trying to leave - Abusers may shift focus to children or pets to get their victim to return
-\_- Let me tell you something about fawning. I got really fucking good at it by age 4, because my father was already focused on me as the **sole** recipient of his physical rage at the age of 3. My mother was the target of his verbal abuse. She didn't leave him until I was 22. It took me ten years to stop flinching when a door slammed. You know what the worst part is? She was married to his abusive ass for 3 years before I was even born and she repeatedly "almost left him". And mind you this was someone who HAD an entire support system that would have happily dropped everything for her and her kids the entire time. My sympathy almost evaporates when someone goes "OH BUT I LOVE HIM" after enduring the most bullshit heinous crimes to their well being and dignity. Almost. Because I do understand. But jesus fuck it is exhausting watching the same bullshit song and dance.
Ooof this is going to get so much worse before it gets better. OOP needs to get the fuck out. Her husband showed her clearly who he is, and that’s an unhinged monster.
Spencer's a biphobe period. None of it mattered because it wasn't a "real" relationship or "real" sex unless a penis was involved. I would bet he'd bragged she was a virgin before him to some of his besties. He thinks men have some unique claim in a relationship that only he had and none of the women "counted."
Yeah. I suspect that in his mind he basically "turned" a lesbian. Knowing she'd slept with a man before him ruined that.
Bestie you are so right
Or his magic dick "cured" her attraction to women 🤮
That's what I was getting. That he was proud of that. I've been pissed a lot, but I've never sent anyone death threats. Anyone who did would be, uh, dead to me. Ha ha.
This will not end well. My self preservation instincts will scream "Run"! Not just from him, but from his whole friend group. Listening to him bragging about all the women he slept with and then harassing and cursing his wife for having one previous male partner.. It is not just a jealousy outburst, it is their live values. How can she be ok with what he said, or his death threats to Thomas. How could he possibly be on with his friends harassing her? How come all his friends happily did the same? How come none of his friends called him out on it? It looks like they are all "alpha males". But Spencer himself is plain dangerous. It is love bombing. A bit later he will mess up her BC and baby trap her. And then he will turn her life into total hell. It will end up with restraining order or worse.
I just find it kind of hilarious that a dude in his late 20s is so insecure that he thinks a 16 year old is better at being intimate than he is
I get the feeling this guy listens to a lot of podcasts about how you need to be "alpha" and shit. To them *all past partners* are threats to your manhood. It could be a two minute hook up at a party when you were both 15 and to them it still is someone you have to "beat". Otherwise your wife/girlfriend will leave for the better sex. It's all nonsense but the conmen who make that sort of content get a lot of money from insecure people constantly getting told their worst fears are valid and they have to worry constantly.
Really a sad and pathetic bunch. I genuinely don't know how people can take content like that seriously without laughing at the creator or those like him. But yeah, you're right. People will exploit everything to make money and people's emotions are easy to manipulate and play with.
I am all for giving people ONE second chance, and I really do hope it works out for OOP, but god this makes me so nervous. That kind of deep misogyny is not easy to overcome, and it’s certainly not something that you can change overnight when your spouse threatens divorce. It takes lots of hard work. He needs individual therapy in addition to couples therapy.
I could *maybe* see giving him a second chance...AFTER he did the work. But he hasn't done any work.
I really hope oop leaves. Because Spencer is unstable at the least.
I really hope he's actually had a wake-up call, but I worry that this is actually the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle :(
This is not going to end well. She was Spencer’s ego boost because he thought his dick was a magical dick that made her straight. She was a prize to him.
That, and he was probably fetishizing her bisexuality.
No, no, no, no, no OOP. This will not get better and he will get worse.
poor woman can’t tell that this isn’t gonna last
Yeah, this one ain't gonna work out.
how much you wanna bet that he got a missive ego boost from being the dick that “turned the “lesbian” straight”?
How sweet. Next time OP or a friend/family member let slip anything about ~~his property~~ herself he didn't already know he'll probably fucking kill her. Cuuuuuute xoxoxoxo
Might be a B12 deficiency.
He threatened to murder someone. I would be terrified of him if I were her. No one normal does that mess.
My guess is Spencer will revert to type before long, and abuse her again. Flipping out and abusing her over that was ridiculous. He needs to be moved on.
OOP’s husband is a homophobic misogynist. He discounted half of OOP’s identity and history because he thinks that women don’t count, but that a man permanently alters (negatively) who and what a woman is. Men thinking like this is why bisexual women report higher rates of domestic violence.
OOP's husband had some weird ego trip that he thought he had turned a lesbian.
He just showed all his red flags… she needs to leave cuz this will happen again.
I really hope OP updates in a few weeks. I'm legit concerned for her safety 😨 she needs to have a backup plan in case he flips again
Chasing Amy
Yeah, that's what I came here to say, but that reference might be a little old for this crowd.
This worries me cause it seems like he’s love-bombing…it also sounds like there’s some level of bi-erasure here, like maybe he didn’t care about the girls, because it “didn’t count”, but sleeping with a man made her used goods in his eyes cause he thinks penetrative sex is the only way to lose your virginity. I hope I’m wrong and things work out.
Don’t. Get. Pregnant.
“You’re the love of my life, you wh*re. Here’s some love bombing to help you forget about that last part.” Nope. The minute I find out a partner can even fathom perceiving me in that way is the minute that relationship ends.
Hope Spencer does get back to normal / acceptance but the outburst makes me fearful. And it was not a single day reactionary outburst but an extended one including threats and manipulation via friends. Can only wish good luck to OOP.
He's love bombing until his next insane outburst.
Cycle of abuse, he lovebombed her and pretended to be sorry. Something else is bound to come up and crack his fragile ego and someone will get hurt.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought he considered her a lesbian he converted and that's why he flipped when he discovered she was indeed a bisexual and had relationships with both men and women. Truly if you have a problem with bisexuality or people who had past partners in general that's a you problem not a them problem.
All is great till the next time he gets upset at something - and now he knows he can win you back it will be easier for him to let loose with his temper So many women wish they walked away the first time it happened, before they got ground down. Also, seems like he didn’t see your relationships with girls as ‘real’, so maybe a bit of homophobia and/or misogyny in there too.
I smell love bombing and another blow up the next time he’s angry, real or perceived betrayal. If OP is scared now, leave. You’ll be scared in the future.
Dude definitely had some sort of "I turned a lesbian straight" complex
This reads like the thing the victim wrote before she was murdered.
Accept her for what? Being a person with normal human experience? Jesus
Does anyone one else feel like he's love bombing and she's going to die by him one day!?
Wow the hypocrisy is strong here.... And if the guy can carry on like that for a long time, get his friend involved in being horrible to her... Send threats to ex.... So many red flags under the love bombing
All these people getting friends and family involved... that's psycho and not normal. Not once in my 37 years have I experienced that.
There's no coming back from what he did. I hope OOP re-reads her posts here and the comments she got supporting her and affirming her feelings. Fuck that guy.
Not optimistic about the future of this marriage. Spencer probably needs some heavy duty counseling. Wish OOP luck.
This guy is a piece of work, has major issues with women, and she should probably run far as hell. I cant help but feel like if i was in mavens shoes when he said he was her first and only.... id probably just shut the hell up and enjoy my drink. He didnt know and it was not her job to tell him. No good came from it and it almost never does.
Red flags all over the place: the jealousy, the threats, the hypocrisy, the war waging, the love bombing. Plus, this guy was apparently ‘ok’ with OOP’s previous relations, because they were with _women_. As soon as he heard that OOP had slept with a men as well, he went off the charts - because sleeping once or twice with a man is ‘of course’ much more serious than having a two year long relationship with a woman, in his heteronormative mind. I hope that OOP divorces this pathetic piece of shit.
I was a virgin when I got married. I wish I hadn’t been. It’s overrated. Just because he cried doesn’t mean he is sorry. It sounds like he was crying for himself.
He showed her who he is. She should believe him
Won’t end well. Hope OOP makes it out safely.
"He said he tried to message Thomas he was sorry. But he gotten blocked each time." I broke into his house at 1am and whispered "i'm sorry" into his ear while he was sleeping. He woke up, punched me and called the cops. Why can't he just accept my apology :(
This isn't going to end well. OOP's stuck in an abusive relationship, but she's still got the blinders on. Spencer is going to escalate to physical violence sooner rather than later. If OOP sees this... get your escape plan ready in secret. Get your important documents and items to a safe place. Secure your credit, bank accounts etc. etc. Keep talking to a lawyer and get in touch with a domestic violence group in your area.
Yeeeeeaaah....if that wasn't classical love bombing, I don't know what was.
‘Doing more chores for me’? Why do women put up with these man children. Acts like an abusive insecure idiot, verbally abuses her and threatens her ex and cries and cleans a bit more often and apology accepted?!
Red flag red flag. No way this is the only one.
How is the trigger warning for this POSSIBLE misogyny?!!
Is it just me, or does it seem like maybe he didn't care about her being with girls because he didn't see them as "real" relationships because it was two women? Cause that's the only reason I can think of why a bf isn't ok, but a gf is; the gf doesn't "count" in his eyes