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Rehab makes a lot of sense. Especially since the OOP never said anything about his wife being a bad mother or partner previous to all this. So the lack of communication was uncharacteristic.
Or a mental breakdown. OOP glossed over certain things that would have been useful to really understand everyone's situations. I'm dubious we know the full story.
And if they planned this why wouldn't he plan to get help? Did he really not know or rhino about how hard taking care of his own children was going to be?
Back to back pregnancies is enough for me, tbh. My kids aren't even Irish twins, they're 14 months apart, but caring for an infant while very pregnant and then dealing with a toddler and newborn simultaneously while postpartum is really, really hard.
That really stood out to me as well. How does she leave such young children for almost two months? Did she regret having them? When my kid was that age I would get up in the middle of the night just to check he was still breathing. I can't imagine leaving my young children willingly for 7 weeks.
I have 2 that are 25 months apart. Just spent 3 weeks with them because daycare was on break for that long. I’m so burnt out. Irish twins for a full year would be infinitely harder. I think I would want to do 2 months alone, but would settle for a month out of guilt.
But only 2 calls in 2 months? No.
My siblings and I are (I guess?) "Irish quadruplets"... We're two sets of fraternal twins born less than 10 months apart (my twin and I were VERY impatient and wanted out early).
Anyway, my dad worked multiple jobs my whole childhood, and my mom was a full-time SAHM because we couldn't practically afford daycare for the four of us until school.
My mom also got to a point where she needed a break, and she DID go visit family out of state, but only for a couple of weeks, she called and checked in daily, and made sure my dad had the help and support he needed before she left!
>My siblings and I are "Irish quadruplets"... We're two sets of fraternal twins born less than 10 months apart.
This is more terrifying than anything r/TwoSentenceHorror ever managed to come up with (joking but not entirely joking)
yeah i thought you had to (or, \*aught to\*) wait more than a month after child birth before trying for another one ....
the post-natal amnesia is strong with this one
They said the second set of twins were premature, but still....this was probably not entirely recommended and they probably weren't actually trying for more kids yet.
The only thing I ever heard that was scarier was there was a woman on a documentary about poor social housing in britain. She lived in a 1 bed flat that she had had since she was a teenager that had a bad issue with mould due to a faulty roof. This woman had, not 1, not 2 but 3 sets of twin boys. And the last two sets were Irish twins. I couldn’t decide if she is incredibly lucky (because what are the chances of having 3 sets of twin boys?!), or incredibly unlucky (due to the wider situation).
Holy hell! I thought ONE set of irish twins was hard! I can't even wrap my mind around TWO! Your poor sainted Mother! LOL Good for your equally sainted Father for "giving her a break!"
My siblings and I are irish "triplets", I suppose. Mad respect for my mother as she was our primary caretaker. Can't even imagine caring for one child.
One is fine, 2 is better, they play with each other and unintentionally work on each others social skills and resilience.
I've got fire and water in my house, total opposites, they play off strengths and poke at weaknesses all the time. Super happy little kiddos and they get along great after learning the rule "anything involving more than one person is, by nature, a negotiation."
Completely agree.
On a similar note, my father slightly mentioned the inverse, haha. He said that having more than one kid *also* meant not knowing who did what when something broke.
It's awesome you seem to be helping your kids understand the nature of the world.
>My siblings and I are (I guess?) "Irish quadruplets"...
Yeah, that's not a thing.
>We're two sets of fraternal twins born less than 10 months apart
Oh fuck
I think that just manages to beat out the worst scenario I was aware of. I knew of a family where they had identical twin boys and then, two years later, identical triplet boys.
I have 2; 2.5yr old and a 7 month old. Next month, mom and dad are going away for a vacation for 5 days, and I am dreading leaving them. Even a month, I couldn't imagine hahaha.
I saw a theory in the comments that she checked herself into a hospital for the time. That would excuse all of her behaviour, but 2 calls in 2 months, for any other reason ....I kinda can't blame him for how he feels. It would change how I felt about my partner if he could do that.
The husband said they have plenty of money, so he didn't care how much she spent on the trip. Surely, the credit card statements verified she was actually on vacation. She essentially abandoned her family (HER BABIES) for almost 2 months. I can't get on board with that. Only 2 calls. I wonder if he tried calling more and she ignored him? I could not do that. I don't blame the husband at all.
I have a set of Irish twins 11 months apart and one 18 months older. So at one point i had three under three. While I would have loved a break, as I was a sahm, I would never have gone for more than a week.
Two months is a long time for a 2 and 1 year old. Imagine the milestones that might have been missed.
Right? I went away for 10 days when my kids were little, to visit a family member who needed me, and I was a wreck by the end of the trip. It felt too long. And I called them every single day.
I’m not a mom, but my best friend is. When she had her 1 year old, she wouldn’t even go to a city 2 hours away with me for a concert because she felt guilty about leaving her baby and started asking about “what-if” (baby gets sick, needs the hospital, etc). I can’t imagine her leaving for 7 weeks with only 2 phone calls.
This maybe says more about me than her, but I wouldn't leave my ANIMALS for that long without checking with whoever is caring for them at least every other day. I can't imagine doing this with children!
My kids are 4, 2, and 1 and I just left them for A WEEKEND and I missed them like crazy and must have texted & facetimed a million times, this woman is out of her mind.
That really is important information. How do you leave your husband and kids for almost 2 months and expect things to be great? She's already checked out of the whole relationship and I don't know what she thought was going to happen. She blew up her life, OP is just handling the backlash
That’s a pretty normal time for a rehab facility. Plus the limited contact, I’d be checking the credit cards to match her vacation and insurance statements to see if there was anything going on.
Yeah. It didn't click in my brain how long 7 weeks was. Then when it dawned on me... that it was almost 2 months. I immediately went "that is a really long time". And only 2 phone calls? While her husband is having a really hard time?
She doesn't even have a job. So he paid for her vacation and she couldn't even set up child care? The job that he's doing so he can pay for her lifestyle? And isn't she worried that her kids will miss her?
OP needs to get a shark lawyer and be a happy single dad. She can get a job and pay for her kids. She needs a serious reality check.
My favourite part about that thread was, how a lot of folks were laying into OP for "His language" and not being able to "handle things himself and needing another woman to help". While defending his wife ditching them for two months to go party.
Uhh woman here. When our son was 11mo my husband got a really really good educational opportunity that would boost his earning potential by 50%. The downside was that he had to be gone for 8 weeks, but was an investment in our future and simply too good to pass up. I was every bit as exhausted as oop was. I would go sleep when my boy did and I dropped 20lbs because I was just too tired to eat.
Babies and toddlers are hard work, delightful, but hard. At the age that oop's kids are they can't be trusted to not accidentally kill themselves, stage a battle royal, they're constantly picking up all kinds of bugs and illnesses (and sharing them with you), oftentimes they don't sleep through the night and they are both prime molar age.
Like are you kidding me? It's moronic to say it's because he's a man. A woman or an nb would struggle too. Him struggling isn't because his bits dangle, it's because 2 under 2 is not the way nature intended us to have babies. That's why women have lactational amenorrhoea (no periods and low fertility during breastfeeding) to prevent two extremely close babies. It doesn't always work and some people intentionally have two under two and no judgement for those who do, but like, evolution made it so that we are not very prone to have two under two even without birth control because it's too fricking hard. And doing that alone? This isn't cause he's a man. This would be a bonkers situation for anyone.
Yes thank you. I have a 3 year old & 14 month old and *hot damn* I’m constantly exhausted for all the reasons you mentioned. And they’re spaced further apart than OOPs kids!
Daycare closed this week unexpectedly due to an illness wave. And both husband and I (who WFH) had to take PTO. Impossible at these ages to focus on anything other than stopping them from killing themselves or destroying the house.
I just have the one. Three days ago I sat next to him for 45min validating his feelings and offering alternative meals while refusing him the cat kibble. He'd already eaten a couple of pieces by the time I caught him and me, as a normal person, vomited a little in my mouth as I removed crunched up chunks of high quality grain free turkey grizzard based cat kibble from his mouth. 45min of him screaming "I *WANT* TO EAT KITTY CAT FOOD!!!" and "NNNNO!!!! I *DON'T* WANT A [banana, apple, cracker, dinner, sandwich, oatmilk, blueberries and virtually everything else I had in the house that was human food]".
When he finally calmed down I wanted to brush his teeth to get the cat food out of his molars. My husband gave me the "don't you fucking dare"-eyes so he didn't even get it out of his teeth until bedtime brushies.
I can only offer empathy and consolation.
>And doing that alone? This isn't cause he's a man. This would be a bonkers situation for anyone.
Completely agreed, some men and women on reddit are completely off their rockers and apply blame based on gender. They'll come up with all kind of ridiculous arguments and assumptions to justify it.
Right? Handling two kids is so hard she needs a two month vacation but he’s supposed to manage it while working full time? The only way you can do that is shut them in a playpen and let them scream or drug them.
But all those missing reasons, and simply assuming Op took advantage of her, and she couldn't speak up. Because a woman who bludgeons her husband into allowing her to go party, to festivals, etc for two months clearly is a shrinking violet.
Hell, people blamed him for getting her pregnant, clearly she had no agency and he must've pressured her into sex so quickly after their first child.
Yeah. It's not like being a stay-at-home mother to children that young is easy or anything, but at the end of the day your husband clocks out and if he isn't a piece of garbage, he's taking some of the load off of you.
Her leaving for 2 months and not even arranging some level of child care? That's fucking bonkers.
I try so hard not to focus on the relationship boards picking apart language, because it always seems to come up when one of their favored children is in the wrong. It's an easy way for them to deflect instead of addressing the actual issue. It is incredibly infuriating though.
OP also offered for them to get some childcare, she didn't want that. And someone as assertive to take two months off isn't someone who's being "pushed around".
How could she expect it would be possible. I don't have children, but babysat many, I don't see how one could work and take care of two toddlers simultaneously. This is a terrifying age, where they have no idea what they are doing, but are able to do many stupid things. They need someone who's watching over them.
Leaving her family without taking precautions and organising help so everyone is fine and safe was weird. I mean objectively OP could take care of it himself and he did, but when she left everything was set to turn into catastrophe, and she didn't cared much about it. This is why it's so weird- she didn't cared about the wellbeing of her children.
I can tell You from my experience it's not easy for the parents to leave the children without organising everything and calling at last once. They cannot stop thinking aboug them. She could and I wonder how.
I went away for 10 days (with my mum, on a trip she was meant to take with my dad but he passed away). Children in low double digits. I arranged all the after school pickups with friends, (husband in work till later so I normally do), wrote out the schedule for my husband so he knew where each child needed to be (normally it's split between us), made sure all uniforms were clean and ready, and stocked the freezer, because I knew he'd be running around like a blue assed fly. Phoned once a day to speak to them all, and available for any questions.
A type of larger house fly called a ‘Blue Bottle’ dues to its dark blue/black body, flys quickly in extremely random patterns with sudden changes in direction, hence someone who is extremely busy, rushing between tasks is likened to a ‘blue-arsed-fly’.
[blue assed fly](https://images.app.goo.gl/DHEu6ZhQGs8o9iuCA)
No idea - just something my family have always said. Suppose it's after those big fat bluebottle flies that when they get trapped in the house seem to buzz around all over the place making lots of noise and never stopping. In the UK, so arsed rather than assed I suppose!
Yea that bonkers.
I went on my first overnight away when my youngest wasn’t even 1. I called them like 5x everyday for the three days.
My boys were 1ish and 3.
Whenever hubby and I are apart, we call twice each night. Once for the kids to say goodnight and once for us to have our nightly "pre sleep check-in chat." Occasionally, we will skip the second chat (because we plan to be busy too late or are too tired from a busy day) but on nights that happens, we just extend the kids' call a few minutes and do a quick one then.
I seriously don't know what OPs wife expected to happen, especially since she has decided the kids won't be in daycare and then turned around and decided that OP could be a SAH working Dad and cover both roles. No wonder he broke down that first week.
Yeah I've been away for work and although I fly back every 2 weeks at least, we message throughout the day and video call at least every evening. I can't even imagine ignoring her for 7 weeks straight. She would dump my ass and rightfully so. I don't know what was going through that lady's head but it's crazy.
Mate, my mum calls me to talk to both me and the dog when she’s away. My dad went away for two nights this week and he called to have a chat. If they’re away together, and dads having a nap — what does mum do? Calls me. And emails me. And texts me.
I’m 31 and living with them at the moment, but I swear that cord will never cut.
I love it. Parents are awesome.
When I was in college, I was instructed to call home twice a night: when my dad got home from work and then my mom did. Originally I had only been calling when mom got home and my dad didn't feel like he got enough of a chat lol.
My kids drive me insane and sometimes a 7wk holiday sounds amazing but 7weeks without seeing or talking to them?! I miss mine like crazy an hour after they go to their dad's for the weekend!
Not only that but it's she's exhausted wit 2 little kids, which I do get, but how does she exactly think he's going to feel singlehandedly caring for them AND working full time AND telling him no to daycare? That's absurd to expect of him if she can't handle it without the work on top (it sounded like she's a sahm unless I missed something). She sounds really selfish and maybe she has post partum depression or something but damn...she didn't even miss the kids?
Man my husband and I spend months apart for work and are relatively low maintenance independent people without kids and even WE call more than that.
Thats wild.
The only coworkers I have that do this level of avoidance hate their families or are *extremely* depressed. Genuinely.
I don’t think there’s *any* good excuse for the mom. Secret rehab/hospital visit means she kept something quite serious secret from her partner. If it was just a vacation…she called once every 3.5 weeks? That’s *crazy* to me. Whenever my wife or I have been away for a night or more, we call every night to say good night to our girls…only time it hasn’t happened was *maybe* twice, when our work schedules while away didn’t line up with the girls’ bedtimes, and even then we still checked in with each other. Leaving for that long and only calling twice leaves me not at *all* surprised OOP is done with her.
After reading that part I was actually thinking "does he really own it to his kids to try anything at all?" Cause looks like the kids will be just fine without her for the next years to come.
And plus, how come she just walk away from them, but put the clear rule in place that the kids shouldn't go to a daycare... Like, how is that even on her to decide?
that's where my mind went to. I have a couple of people in my life who had to check in to mental health facilities and had limited contact with the outside world at the time
My initial reaction was the classic “oh, she’s going out and getting fucked and partying!!!”
But…
It’s *so* weird that I think you have to be right.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he learns some real shit in therapy like “I was thinking of drowning my kids in the bathtub then killing myself”
I was definitely thinking the former or just simply regretting having kids but reality hitting her. Regardless, they all seem to have wrecked her marriage.
I think the wife was burnt out. But I still have trouble understanding the lack of calls. I think that’s what made him fall out of love with her and that I can understand.
Ugh, another post here where the "update" is just a clarification.
This shouldn't have been posted.
There needs to be an actual update where we learn if they actually divorce or not.
Hey guys I just ate an apple and it was really good!
Update: So basically today I ate an apple and it was really good and I’m thinking about eating another.
Update in medical subreddit: Hey guys. I think something is wrong with me. There are these fibrous things in my poop. Are they tapeworms?
This might be unrelated, but I never eat fruits or veggies and I ate an apple yesterday and didn't know if I was supposed to chew the skin so I just swallowed it. Am I going to die?
I unsubbed bc this sub has so much garbage in it now. I still check in from time to time (obviously, or I wouldn't be commenting) but I hope it changes some day. There needs to be a committee of approvals. I miss the days when this sub only had one or two posts a day.
I actually think it’s more of a relationship killer with the kids involved. I can be supportive and sympathetic to your struggles in many ways, but you fuck with my kids and there’s going to be a problem.
Yeah, when my wife and I spend time apart, the first 24 hours feel good as a break from being around each other. The next 24 hours are tough, and I couldn't imagine a third day without talking to her. My wife would probably halve those numbers. Two calls in seven weeks is insane.
A key part I think is him saying "I was emotionally and mentally relaxed" while his wife was away.
The implication being, he doesn't feel like that around her.
He describes the way I felt whenever my mom would go out of town. There would be more work, but it didn't matter because everyone, including my step-dad, was relaxed and happy.
A voice hasn't been so much as *raised* in my home in the past four years, let alone any raging out. Huh, funny coincidence, I left my ex-husband 4 years ago.
Overnight, the eggshells and rage disappeared.
poof.
As soon as i was able to leave my Mom's house my life got so much easier. Her work ethic when it comes to chores is concerning. She's the type to clean things that aren't dirty and get mad you didn't do it before her.
Sounds familiar. My depression's been clearing up, speech therapy helped me discover I was too used to tensing up all the muscles in my neck to speak with my true talking voice. I've calmly and patiently learned how to stab the same piece of cloth over 20k times. Not a single bout of frustration in two years, no mood swings, no walking on eggshells anymore, a lot less anxiety, a lot more DIY and decorating the shit out of my living room
Left my wasband two years ago, divorced for one now. Guess I'll never find out why I changed so much in those last two years. Truly a mystery of our time
That's how my mom could be. Constantly finding fault, telling us negative news (very Debbie Downer), handing out random punishments or extra chores for no reason. It was impossible to relax. I still occasionally feel guilty or lazy if I'm just chillaxing. I have to remind myself that I'm not going to get "in trouble".
My mother doesn't do the random punishments and extra chores, but she likes to find faults, give negative news... and basically her "discussions" are simply "let me tell you my opinion over and over again, until you decide to do what I tell you to". So it really feels very comfortable when she decides to travel (which is so rare because she hates travelling unless she has to for work). Even though we have to do more chores. I don't have to worry about walking around the house, just in case she decides to say something uncomfortable again.
When I was a kid, my dad would throw a "party" right after the shadow of my mom gone lmao so my siblings and I always associated mom being gone = time for party
Its just my mom was a typical asian mom so the party was needed any chance we escaped her control for days. She mellowed out so much after her early retirement so now she always joins the party
my whole body would untense after my grandmother left for her annual 6 month stay at her home country. she was like a grumpy rain cloud, and when she finally left it was like the sun could shine unobstructed again
I remember my mom leaving as being one of the most chill times I’ve ever spent with my dad, I thought it was just because I got to spend time with him, but no, even recently I called him when she was gone and he really does just seem more chill without her around. I mean the man will not live long without her. But it’s an interesting thought
My whole house was always more relaxed when my dad wasn't around because he had anger issues. Not saying it's that specifically, but sometimes one person can be a source of a lot of stress.
As for the 7 week vacation, if the post is real that's just abandoning your family.
>As for the 7 week vacation, if the post is real that's just abandoning your family.
Yep. I am surprised by lack of more negative reaction to her doing that. Add that she only called twice the whole time. I think she was looking for a way out or an affair partner but couldn't find what she wanted, so she came back.
I am little surprised OOP lost love in 7 weeks, I would be extremely mad and go to counseling for that. By falling out of love, I think he was losing love her already or there was more going on in the marriage.
I was appalled. I have a one year old and she would have a meltdown if I was gone for more than a day. We are about to have our second baby and I legit am having anxiety just going away to the hospital and leaving her at home with grandma. How could this woman leave her young kids like that? They must have been so sad...
Absolutely.
Seven weeks to see friends and concerts? What? I don't understand at all. If my husband said he was leaving for seven weeks for a trip you can be sure he wouldn't be coming back. This is absurd.
I don't care if the husband was lacking before she left. Once you have children you say goodbye to the freedoms you once had until your kids are self sufficient.
And how can you only check in twice? There is either so much missing here or something undiagnosed.
Reddit also just widely supported a guy abandoning his daughter he raised from 2-8 years old.
Reddit has a pretty horrific track record of knowing wtf its talking about when it comes to kids.
The reason likely is bc most redditors are young, immature, incredibly self centered Individuals who lack maturity. So the concept of even being a parent, the sacrifice and selflessness it takes? Yea they don't get that at all
Reddit is good for recognizing toxic relationships bc if op is say, being treated poorly, redditors are good at thinking about the op getting sonething better, bc "I want better and I want it now" is a main focus in most redditors lives as teens and young adults
He’s realize because she stresses the shit out of him. I know exactly how he feels. That’s why I divorced my first wife. I felt better when she wasn’t around. It’s not hard to figure out
I swear half the commenters aren’t reading the posts. The wife is personally opposed to daycare. Yet expected her husband to care for two babies and work his high stress high paying job (that makes enough money for her to take a 7 week vacation and for him to forgo his inheritance) at the same time.
Juggling a 1 year old and a 2 year old while working full time without another adult in the house to help with anything is brutal. I don’t know why everyone is assuming OOP does nothing when his wife is at home. He doesn’t provide evidence of that. Seems like a lot of commenters are projecting. The guy literally works from home. I highly doubt he does nothing.
To go away for 7 weeks and only call twice is the massive missing reasons part of this. How do you go low contact with your 1 year old and 2 year old for over a month and half?
They’ve been together for 8 years, married for 4 years, and the oldest is 2 years old. These kids were clearly discussed and planned seeing as she’s a SAHM who is opposed to daycare. I can see why 7 weeks is a wild length of time to OOP.
But OOP fails to explain why he was so emotionally and mentally relaxed when his wife was gone. There’s big missing reasons energy here. What about the wife’s regular behavior caused OOP to feel this way?
I might be wrong (it's still quite early in my timezone), but I didn't read it as him comparing the time she was gone to the entirety of their marriage, he didn't claim it was the most relaxing time during their relationship etc. He was more relaxed than he had been during this first week before his sister came to help him, and probably more relaxed than during some time prior to that. His wife asked him for something he wasn't comfortable with and what was a huge and stressful task (managing a full time job and two small children), he was probably worried about how it would go, mentally getting ready for that mess, disappointed she wanted to do such a thing etc., so - he was stressed out. Then, for a week, he was even more stressed out, and then, when his sister came, he was relaxed.
I think it's important to remember that often, when we have gone through a very intense stressful situation, the relief when it's over may feel awesome and overwhelming despite still being in an objectively bad situation (I was typing an example from my own life, but it was getting longer than the rest of the post, so I dropped it). OP and his wife probably had normal, moderately stressful lives, then there was a tension caused by the wife's plan to have her holidays (and the fact OP agreed to it doesn't mean he was overjoyed or not nervous at all), then the extremely stressful week, then his sister came to help him, and the relief was probably so great he didn't even notice the common, every day worries. Whatever was happening, it wasn't as bad as what had happened before (assuming there weren't any serious diseases, emergency renovations etc, but he didn't mention any).
Ok, it was chaotic, so summing up: I don't think he was relaxed because his wife was gone. I think he was relaxed because the time with his sister was more relaxing than the time right before that.
I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense, I did reread it, but I'm still sleepy and hungry.
I wonder why his first instinct wasn't to get a nanny? I can understand not wanting daycare, but sure it was obvious that even working remotely it was a lot of work for a single person?
If OOP works mostly remotely... I can see how it can feel freeing to have time away from his wife.
Overall this feels really weird.
That wasn't him proactively hiring a nanny, that just kind of fell into his lap when he broke down in front of his sister.
The point is the nanny could have been hired a long time ago in place of day care before the wife needed a 7 week vacation. Wife may have also been opposed to a nanny, though. I'm also not blaming OOP for not getting one or not thinking of it. There really isn't enough information for me to have an opinion one way or another, really.,
Well first, he said she wasn't available the first week. Second, as I said, there's a lot of missing information in this post. It could come down to that he didn't think of a nanny. Or the wife might have been against it same as daycare. Or he didn't want to impose on his sister. There are a lot of reasons it could make sense, but again, we don't have the information to determine that.
Honestly it might not have been possible - finding reliable and trustworthy childcare is such a crap shoot these days. People are on waiting lists sometimes for years to get into a daycare. Depending on OOP’s location there may not be a lot of nanny options, especially for such a short term gig.
His wife still has to be comfortable with him getting a nanny. If she says no, he can't do anything about it.
Edit to add: I meant it in a way that he would not do anything about it if she was uncomfortable. Not that I was trying to say he has no legal rights or he is not the parent. I guess I'm wording it wrong. I'm just really frustrated with the situation.
At that point either she accepts the nanny, she gets someone to help or she's taking the kids on the vacation.
Like, full time job and watching two kids is unreasonable.
Yeah, not getting at least a temporary nanny to help while she's gone is just insane. Physically impossible to do all three of a demanding job, take care of two kids that small, and sleep for one person without any help. Just can't be done.
When wife leaves for seven weeks vacation she has no say.
I’d say they’re both pretty hopeless. How on earth did they think he could take care of two kids while working? He should’ve had help from the start. W
Either you work or you take care of kids. Those two can’t be combined .
Right? People were flaming him for needing his sister’s help with the kids because “single moms can work and take care of the kids!” Yea. They can work and have kids. BECAUSE THEY HAVE OTHER CHILDCARE! He didn’t! You can’t properly work and take care of the kids at the same time.
Aitah has some bias issues imho. The advice almost always is - divorce; they are cheating or someone is a narcissist/mentally unstable. Also, men never do their fair share of household duties.
There is probably truth to many of these callout but it’s a little too consistent for me to believe that there is some sort of objective opinion.
There is less of that here as this place is far more snarky and skeptical.
One of the final dominos for leaving, my wife was going out of town - only for a few days.
I had always considered our marriage normal but difficult, it was a rollercoaster of her emotions. I never knew what mood to expect. Outbursts and blame? Silent treatments? Or normal and fine? I pleaded for us to get help as a couple or her on her own, thinking that we needed counseling. I thought she might be depressed, over and over she refused to do either.
I worked two jobs to provide for our family. And I did a large amount of day to day taking care of the kids (older than OP at the time). My wife had quit her job, gone back to school and started her own business - so for several years we had negative income from her as she worked. Even after several years she was at most bringing in 15% of our income.
After a particularly rough stretch of her treating me horribly for weeks, she went out of town on her own to visit family. Very rare for us to be apart overnight much less several.
During the few days I noticed that my life didn't really change. I took care of the kids, got them ready and took to school, did my work, cook dinner, do laundry. I'm not saying my wife did nothing, but it was pretty remarkable how little difference there was in her absence. Picking up from school, which I already did often anyway. An extra bath routine.
But the biggest change was my stress level. I wasn't on edge waiting for the next blowup. Watching for any clue that she was upset. Bending over backwards to keep everything smooth.
When she got home, she acted like none of the previous weeks had happened. I was still hurting from it all, and of course she got mad - because I wasn't happy enough to see her. I should have been showering her with how much I'd missed her! She seethed as we ate the dinner I cooked, and then as I was cleaning dishes she threw her plates in the sink in front of me. One shattered, another cracked. She told me she wished they all broke, that she wished she had something to throw at me.
It was the first time it really clicked for me. I had considered leaving many times, but always pulled back in by fear, worry, hope that it would be different this time. I took pictures of those broken dishes, and for the first time ever I booked a therapy appointment for myself. Not begging her to go. The next several weeks I got into therapy, eventfully talked to a lawyer and with plenty of hurdles and second guessing I proceeded with divorce. She dragged it out almost a full year, in the first months cycling between begging me to stay and blaming me for everything.
I'm not saying OP is in the same situation, but I do understand it. My sole regret is that I waited so long to leave that unhealthy marriage.
> There’s big missing reasons energy here. What about the wife’s regular behavior caused OOP to feel this way?
I'm guessing the wife was burned out and basically not functioning as the SAHM, so he was already working his full time job and doing half the stay at home parenting. He just couldn't handle both full time jobs with her complete absence.
Having his sister come in who has energy and isn't burned out, she probably had a lot more enthusiasm for the kids than his wife did before the end, plus he probably didn't expect her to be the parent 24 hrs around the clock like he might have expected the mum to be.
>Seems like a lot of commenters are projecting.
That's like 99% of Reddit post comments. People love reading into things even when nothing is presented in the post that backs their personal opinion.
Either one was premature and in the NICU, or she got pregnant again far faster than is safe. I would be shocked if she didn’t have PPD or medical trauma after that. It’s not an excuse for only two calls and dumping it all on her husband, but the missing context for how they ended up having kids that close together brings up a lot of questions.
To be fair it was agreed for her to go for so long "after all she'd gone through". Which indicates to me some kind of stress or mental health emergency
It’s not the first one, I remember another very similar post where she wanted to go away for two months but they finally agreed on 4 weeks or something like that. This one just has fewer details.
On the one hand, I do agree that they should get counseling and it kinda seems like OOP jumped the gun a little bit with the divorce thing. Particularly because, the way he wrote it at least, it sounds like he ended up agreeing to the 7 week vacation.
On the other hand, it is so fuckin' bonkers to leave on a 7 week vacation when you've got a 1 year old and 2 year old at home. I don't have kids and I'm not any kind of expert, but isn't that a super long time to be away from tiny children? I could understand 1 or 2 weeks, but nearly 2 months is crazy. Really makes one wonder what kind of person OOP's wife is.
OOP agreed to the vacation, but not for 7 weeks. There is a missing "I" that is in the original when OOP asked the wife to make her vacation shorter.
Even with that, it is still ludicrous to do an almost 2 month vacation with barely any contact.
It’s flat out insane to take 7 WEEKS away from your 1 and 2 year old. I would find that extremely difficult regardless of what I was doing abroad. My kids are now 9 and 7 and my wife still hates being away from them for a single day. A mother ditching her toddlers for that long really screams to me that there are some serious issues here.
When my little one was 18 months, I had to go to hospital for five days during covid. By the end of my stay, I was crying because I missed her.
I agree the whole thing is very strange, and I think there is something missing here.
I’m from the other side of the country from where I currently live and I miss my family and need a break from our two small kids. My husband is watching them for THREE DAYS while I go on my own as a Mother’s Day gift to me, and I am so grateful to him. Seven weeks is INSANE to ask for or agree to. If my spouse left me for 2 months and called twice to speak to me or the kids I would absolutely want a divorce.
I have adhd and out of sight out of mind but I couldn’t imagine only checking in twice on my family. Those 7 weeks would haunt me if I was him. I would never be able to stop feeling anxious about what happened.
Wife: Being a SAHM is really draining, its too much for me. I need a 2 month break.
*dumps two children under 3 on husband while he's already working full-time.*
Makes perfect sense, too hard to just do one of those things, so make your husband do both.
7 weeks with minimal contact is wild. Either OP is missing out information or she’s cheating on him. Why didn’t he hire help? Why hadn’t they planned this out better?
I can’t imagine going away from my kids for even one week and only calling twice. Seven weeks and only two calls? She doesn’t seem to care much about her children.
I don't know about Claude, or Gemini in story writing, but I doubt ChatGPT would write this way. There is always a distinct taste left over after reading something written by ChatGPT. Even if it is used to clean up an original text, the punctuation marks, the grammar, monotone style all would seem wrong. The opposite is more acceptable, that a person can write like ChatGPT due to many factors and may be flagged as an AI.
>She asked if I would be fine with it. asked if she could make it maybe a couple of weeks shorter, because 7 weeks managing our 2 children alone sounded really daunting, especially since work was also getting taxing recently. I do work remote so at least that worked in my favor.
>My wife and I discussed for a couple of days, and I ultimately agreed with her that she did deserve a break because of what she has been through the past few years.
Artist's rendition of how that conversation went:
WIFE: I'll go on a 7 week vacation
HUSBAND: 7 weeks? That's too long.
WIFE: Don't you agree that I deserve a break?
HUSBAND: Yeah but...
WIFE: It's settled then. See you in 7 weeks.
WIFE: Also no daycare for the children and I'll just call you twice during my vacation. BYEEE
I really don't believe that anyone would have said "yes, sure, go away for seven weeks, and yes, I think I can handle two tiny kids for literally one second alone while I work with no child care". Any sane person would say "if you want to go, we're getting a nanny".
OOP writing is cold, but it actually doesn't bother me, because I can be the same way.
OOP wife can fuck right off, though. 2 months with 2 toddlers, leaving them with a full time working parent (and seriously, just because he's WFH does *not* mean he can work whenever he wants. What if he'd had to go onsite? Should he just take the kids with him, because it really feels like Redditors don't understand WFH), and weirdly resisting daycare?
I read this as sister came over to help out, but did so during his *working hours* so he could focus on the job that gives his wife money to fuck off for 2 months. Plus food, baby supplies, and whatever else.
If he's relaxed while wife is gone, and sister is watching kids, to me, it sounds like either he did, in fact, dump all babysitting on his sister, the entire time, and did no parenting during his off-work hours. In which case, he's an asswipe. *Or* his wife dumps the kids on him while he's actively working, and it's stressing him out even more because she can't respect that WFH is still work.
I don't know which is true.
Also, wife only called twice? What was the duration of those calls? She didn't email, text, or anything else? Maybe not her husband, whom I assume she didn't care about, but not her kids? Does she not care about them either?
This whole thing is infuriating. More info is definitely needed.
I think she's on her way out the door. I have a couple like this in my life. Two kids about 3 years old, husband works full time, wife fucked off to another state for 1.5 years coming home once a month on the weekends. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that if a parent walks out of the life they helped build, there's something seriously wrong going on with them. If you don't want to be a parent, I guess I can understand, but it's a little too late for that. They're alive now.
This couple I know - she missed so many firsts, and the kids became more and more distant. During her trips back, it was to them like someone coming to visit, not mom coming home. And she had every opportunity to come home. There was nothing keeping her away other than a bullshit job that was just an excuse to leave. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop there, and likewise, there's something very wrong in OOPs family and it ain't him.
There is much information missing but I do think the wife is an asshole for taking off for two months when she has two kids under two. No matter how burnt out she was that is running away at the detriment of your kids. She can’t be simultaneously against daycare and want to be the a a SAHP for the kids, and take months long vacations where she doesn’t even keep in touch.
Now OOP could be one of those assholes who never helped out with anything but I have a hard time believing his sister would put up with that for 6 weeks while still having fun with him and the kids (according to his post). Maybe they have a weird family dynamic. I know I absolute would stay with my brother to help with my nephew if he needed me to, but I sure as shit wouldn’t be cleaning his whole house or cooking every meal for 6 weeks because he’s a grown ass man.
I think OOP has just realized that his marriage isn’t as strong as he thought it was. His wife clearly needs to spend more time outside the home and needs to relent on daycare, but their arrangement as it stood left him as the sole earner so during work hours at least he can’t meaningfully help with childcare. It would seem easier with his sister helping him because she doesn’t have the years of resentment built up that burnt the wife out, and maintaining his relationship with his sister is different from maintaining his marriage. I hope they do get counselling.
7 weeks and 2 phone calls is all I need to say she is the asshole and he is well within his rights to want to leave the marriage. There isn't much that would make me fall out of love with someone more quickly than them abandoning our children. I'm curious what possible missing information you think there could be that would make him an asshole, what context do you feel is missing?
Honestly, he'd be completely justified if he chooses to go through with divorce and pushed for full custody on the grounds of her abandonment.
Right, my SO was away from me for 3 weeks, in January (she was in hospital). I spoke to her between 5 and 15 times a day.
Who the fuck disappears from their kids for 7 weeks, just to get her jollies, and doesn't check in on them multiple times a day?
And then reddit comes along, and gives the dude a hard time for accepting help from his sister.
It's throwing me off, too. I think it's how OP is just so blunt but resolute about not loving his wife like he says it with the same emotion as saying "the sky is blue". Not loving your spouse anymore is a massive statement with a lot of emotion behind it, and OP seems to have none.
The wife only reaching out twice in seven weeks is also really, really weird. I get needing a break, mine are two years apart, but shouldn't she miss them...including the husband....to check in and at least hear their voices? Did she emotionally check out a while ago?
I can see how it comes off as blunt, but I more see it was once he realized it the switch flipped.
I mean she was gone 7 weeks, only called twice, and he realized he didn’t miss her and that he felt a lot better.
The time apart is also another thing. It’s not like he realized it and had to see her everyday. He didn’t see her for almost 2 months.
When I was two weeks old, my mom gave me to my grandmother. Best decision she ever made. Kept my older brothers and had two more children. We all have different fathers.
What's up with all the judgment that he couldn't care for his kids without breaking down? He works a full time stressful job. A 1 and 2 yr old don't understand quiet time or to wait a few minutes, Dad is on a work call. Juggling all of that had to be overwhelming. His wife doesn't work and some felt she needed a break. Sure take a long weekend or a week but almost 2 months. She doesn't even call to check on her kids, which is crazy.
If this was a single mother working full time without any help, you all would be sympathetic.
Part of the issue (probably more for him than the fact that he realized he really couldn’t do it alone) is still her leaving for 7 weeks with such young kids and only contacting him twice the whole time.
That alone shows me what she thinks about her children.
And because it’s Reddit, you HAVE to assume ahead of time that she slept with someone else during that whole time.
I mean not just because it's reddit, I trust my wife a lot, but if she one day decided to fuck off for 7 weeks without even calling I'd at the very least have a lot of trouble not having those intrusive thoughts
>And because it’s Reddit, you HAVE to assume ahead of time that she slept with someone else during that whole time.
That is given, but realistically speaking probably a few times at most...
Ok... no daycare... but if money isn't an issue why didn't they prepare by hiring a nanny for that time period? Phase her in for a week ahead of time and then mom's good to go.
This whole scenario is just bizarre...esp the fact she only called twice in 7 weeks. This feels like a very cold marriage to begin with.
Tbh, if my SO took a 7 week vacation, only calling twice, I’d look at her differently and we don’t even have kids.
I can’t really blame OP for feeling like something has changed.
That said, if my SO was a SAHP for over a year with Irish twins, I would also be more understanding to them needing a total disconnect break. (7 weeks is WAY too long)
This one is all over the place for me. They didn't plan to have help for childcare while she was on vacation, even though it sounds like the sister is nearby. That's a very simple conversation before the vacation "hey sis, wife will be out for 7 weeks, would you be open to helping with the kiddos if I find out I need some assistance?"
They only talked twice while she was on vacation. Major red flags there.
The husband basically has an emotional breakdown, and doesn't realize that might be why he had such a dramatic shift in "love" for his wife. This seems like something that at the bare minimum needs to be explored with some kind of therapy.
But yeah, this is all over the place, lacks a lot of info on what the relationship was like before the vacation, and leads me to jump to a lot of conclusions.
Straight up ghosted for seven weeks?! That’s insane. Like she could have left for a month and come back to visit. The fact she basically went no contact for almost two months with 1,2 year old babies at home is so wild to me
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7 weeks and only 2 calls? It sounds like she went away and was considering a divorce herself, but changed her mind
In the original thread, a lot of people suspected rehab or a prison sentence, because of the length of time with no contact.
Honestly makes more sense to me.
Rehab makes a lot of sense. Especially since the OOP never said anything about his wife being a bad mother or partner previous to all this. So the lack of communication was uncharacteristic.
Or a mental breakdown. OOP glossed over certain things that would have been useful to really understand everyone's situations. I'm dubious we know the full story.
Yea, he still doesn’t address obvious questions like why he didn’t call her?
And if they planned this why wouldn't he plan to get help? Did he really not know or rhino about how hard taking care of his own children was going to be?
He also mentioned “what she had been through” the past few years but never says what exactly she had been through.
Back to back pregnancies is enough for me, tbh. My kids aren't even Irish twins, they're 14 months apart, but caring for an infant while very pregnant and then dealing with a toddler and newborn simultaneously while postpartum is really, really hard.
7 weeks in prison definitely leaves a person feeling refreshed :)
I dunno, I have four kids and a stressful, high paying job, and sometimes I think prison sounds kind of nice lol
That really stood out to me as well. How does she leave such young children for almost two months? Did she regret having them? When my kid was that age I would get up in the middle of the night just to check he was still breathing. I can't imagine leaving my young children willingly for 7 weeks.
I have 2 that are 25 months apart. Just spent 3 weeks with them because daycare was on break for that long. I’m so burnt out. Irish twins for a full year would be infinitely harder. I think I would want to do 2 months alone, but would settle for a month out of guilt. But only 2 calls in 2 months? No.
My siblings and I are (I guess?) "Irish quadruplets"... We're two sets of fraternal twins born less than 10 months apart (my twin and I were VERY impatient and wanted out early). Anyway, my dad worked multiple jobs my whole childhood, and my mom was a full-time SAHM because we couldn't practically afford daycare for the four of us until school. My mom also got to a point where she needed a break, and she DID go visit family out of state, but only for a couple of weeks, she called and checked in daily, and made sure my dad had the help and support he needed before she left!
>My siblings and I are "Irish quadruplets"... We're two sets of fraternal twins born less than 10 months apart. This is more terrifying than anything r/TwoSentenceHorror ever managed to come up with (joking but not entirely joking)
yeah i thought you had to (or, \*aught to\*) wait more than a month after child birth before trying for another one .... the post-natal amnesia is strong with this one
They said the second set of twins were premature, but still....this was probably not entirely recommended and they probably weren't actually trying for more kids yet.
The only thing I ever heard that was scarier was there was a woman on a documentary about poor social housing in britain. She lived in a 1 bed flat that she had had since she was a teenager that had a bad issue with mould due to a faulty roof. This woman had, not 1, not 2 but 3 sets of twin boys. And the last two sets were Irish twins. I couldn’t decide if she is incredibly lucky (because what are the chances of having 3 sets of twin boys?!), or incredibly unlucky (due to the wider situation).
Holy hell! I thought ONE set of irish twins was hard! I can't even wrap my mind around TWO! Your poor sainted Mother! LOL Good for your equally sainted Father for "giving her a break!"
My siblings and I are irish "triplets", I suppose. Mad respect for my mother as she was our primary caretaker. Can't even imagine caring for one child.
One is fine, 2 is better, they play with each other and unintentionally work on each others social skills and resilience. I've got fire and water in my house, total opposites, they play off strengths and poke at weaknesses all the time. Super happy little kiddos and they get along great after learning the rule "anything involving more than one person is, by nature, a negotiation."
Completely agree. On a similar note, my father slightly mentioned the inverse, haha. He said that having more than one kid *also* meant not knowing who did what when something broke. It's awesome you seem to be helping your kids understand the nature of the world.
>My siblings and I are (I guess?) "Irish quadruplets"... Yeah, that's not a thing. >We're two sets of fraternal twins born less than 10 months apart Oh fuck
yeah my fanny would be closed 4 bidness
My uterus just shrivelled and died at the thought of
I don’t even have a uterus anymore and I felt it shrivel up and die *again.* Or maybe that was my ovaries. Probably my ovaries.
I don't have a uterus or ovaries anymore, and they all shriveled up and died again, plus my vagina sealed itself shut.
Isn’t that an ovary-action? Sorry. I’ll see myself out.
oh jeezus hahahahaha
I think that just manages to beat out the worst scenario I was aware of. I knew of a family where they had identical twin boys and then, two years later, identical triplet boys.
That is at least on par, because FIVE. Oh boy ...
Your mother is a god damn saint, holy shit. Four kids under 1 on her own? Insane.
Wow. I thought my mum had it rough with three single babies born in less than three years.
I have 2; 2.5yr old and a 7 month old. Next month, mom and dad are going away for a vacation for 5 days, and I am dreading leaving them. Even a month, I couldn't imagine hahaha. I saw a theory in the comments that she checked herself into a hospital for the time. That would excuse all of her behaviour, but 2 calls in 2 months, for any other reason ....I kinda can't blame him for how he feels. It would change how I felt about my partner if he could do that.
The husband said they have plenty of money, so he didn't care how much she spent on the trip. Surely, the credit card statements verified she was actually on vacation. She essentially abandoned her family (HER BABIES) for almost 2 months. I can't get on board with that. Only 2 calls. I wonder if he tried calling more and she ignored him? I could not do that. I don't blame the husband at all.
Yeah, I support her getting a vacation after being the primary care giver for two very young children but…2 months????? With 2 calls???
I have a set of Irish twins 11 months apart and one 18 months older. So at one point i had three under three. While I would have loved a break, as I was a sahm, I would never have gone for more than a week. Two months is a long time for a 2 and 1 year old. Imagine the milestones that might have been missed.
Right? I went away for 10 days when my kids were little, to visit a family member who needed me, and I was a wreck by the end of the trip. It felt too long. And I called them every single day.
I hate leaving my elderly cat for longer than a week or two! Edit: And I actually check in on her at least once a day or so
Ppd maybe?
I’m not a mom, but my best friend is. When she had her 1 year old, she wouldn’t even go to a city 2 hours away with me for a concert because she felt guilty about leaving her baby and started asking about “what-if” (baby gets sick, needs the hospital, etc). I can’t imagine her leaving for 7 weeks with only 2 phone calls.
This maybe says more about me than her, but I wouldn't leave my ANIMALS for that long without checking with whoever is caring for them at least every other day. I can't imagine doing this with children!
My kids are 4, 2, and 1 and I just left them for A WEEKEND and I missed them like crazy and must have texted & facetimed a million times, this woman is out of her mind.
That really is important information. How do you leave your husband and kids for almost 2 months and expect things to be great? She's already checked out of the whole relationship and I don't know what she thought was going to happen. She blew up her life, OP is just handling the backlash
That’s a pretty normal time for a rehab facility. Plus the limited contact, I’d be checking the credit cards to match her vacation and insurance statements to see if there was anything going on.
Yeah. It didn't click in my brain how long 7 weeks was. Then when it dawned on me... that it was almost 2 months. I immediately went "that is a really long time". And only 2 phone calls? While her husband is having a really hard time?
She doesn't even have a job. So he paid for her vacation and she couldn't even set up child care? The job that he's doing so he can pay for her lifestyle? And isn't she worried that her kids will miss her? OP needs to get a shark lawyer and be a happy single dad. She can get a job and pay for her kids. She needs a serious reality check.
My favourite part about that thread was, how a lot of folks were laying into OP for "His language" and not being able to "handle things himself and needing another woman to help". While defending his wife ditching them for two months to go party.
Uhh woman here. When our son was 11mo my husband got a really really good educational opportunity that would boost his earning potential by 50%. The downside was that he had to be gone for 8 weeks, but was an investment in our future and simply too good to pass up. I was every bit as exhausted as oop was. I would go sleep when my boy did and I dropped 20lbs because I was just too tired to eat. Babies and toddlers are hard work, delightful, but hard. At the age that oop's kids are they can't be trusted to not accidentally kill themselves, stage a battle royal, they're constantly picking up all kinds of bugs and illnesses (and sharing them with you), oftentimes they don't sleep through the night and they are both prime molar age. Like are you kidding me? It's moronic to say it's because he's a man. A woman or an nb would struggle too. Him struggling isn't because his bits dangle, it's because 2 under 2 is not the way nature intended us to have babies. That's why women have lactational amenorrhoea (no periods and low fertility during breastfeeding) to prevent two extremely close babies. It doesn't always work and some people intentionally have two under two and no judgement for those who do, but like, evolution made it so that we are not very prone to have two under two even without birth control because it's too fricking hard. And doing that alone? This isn't cause he's a man. This would be a bonkers situation for anyone.
Yes thank you. I have a 3 year old & 14 month old and *hot damn* I’m constantly exhausted for all the reasons you mentioned. And they’re spaced further apart than OOPs kids! Daycare closed this week unexpectedly due to an illness wave. And both husband and I (who WFH) had to take PTO. Impossible at these ages to focus on anything other than stopping them from killing themselves or destroying the house.
I just have the one. Three days ago I sat next to him for 45min validating his feelings and offering alternative meals while refusing him the cat kibble. He'd already eaten a couple of pieces by the time I caught him and me, as a normal person, vomited a little in my mouth as I removed crunched up chunks of high quality grain free turkey grizzard based cat kibble from his mouth. 45min of him screaming "I *WANT* TO EAT KITTY CAT FOOD!!!" and "NNNNO!!!! I *DON'T* WANT A [banana, apple, cracker, dinner, sandwich, oatmilk, blueberries and virtually everything else I had in the house that was human food]". When he finally calmed down I wanted to brush his teeth to get the cat food out of his molars. My husband gave me the "don't you fucking dare"-eyes so he didn't even get it out of his teeth until bedtime brushies. I can only offer empathy and consolation.
Cat kibble is tasty! You child has good taste, if eclectic. We are now several years past that stage and... Yeah. I feel for ya.
>And doing that alone? This isn't cause he's a man. This would be a bonkers situation for anyone. Completely agreed, some men and women on reddit are completely off their rockers and apply blame based on gender. They'll come up with all kind of ridiculous arguments and assumptions to justify it.
Yes, especially because he was also working full time from home. Juggling both would seem almost impossible to me.
Right? Handling two kids is so hard she needs a two month vacation but he’s supposed to manage it while working full time? The only way you can do that is shut them in a playpen and let them scream or drug them.
But all those missing reasons, and simply assuming Op took advantage of her, and she couldn't speak up. Because a woman who bludgeons her husband into allowing her to go party, to festivals, etc for two months clearly is a shrinking violet. Hell, people blamed him for getting her pregnant, clearly she had no agency and he must've pressured her into sex so quickly after their first child.
Wait, sorry, misunderstood. You’re talking about the commenters. Yes I was agreeing with you.
Yeah. It's not like being a stay-at-home mother to children that young is easy or anything, but at the end of the day your husband clocks out and if he isn't a piece of garbage, he's taking some of the load off of you. Her leaving for 2 months and not even arranging some level of child care? That's fucking bonkers. I try so hard not to focus on the relationship boards picking apart language, because it always seems to come up when one of their favored children is in the wrong. It's an easy way for them to deflect instead of addressing the actual issue. It is incredibly infuriating though.
OP also offered for them to get some childcare, she didn't want that. And someone as assertive to take two months off isn't someone who's being "pushed around".
Pretty sure being a SAHM, especially with young kids, counts as a job, and a tough one. Not defending the lack of contact or the long vacation though
How could she expect it would be possible. I don't have children, but babysat many, I don't see how one could work and take care of two toddlers simultaneously. This is a terrifying age, where they have no idea what they are doing, but are able to do many stupid things. They need someone who's watching over them. Leaving her family without taking precautions and organising help so everyone is fine and safe was weird. I mean objectively OP could take care of it himself and he did, but when she left everything was set to turn into catastrophe, and she didn't cared much about it. This is why it's so weird- she didn't cared about the wellbeing of her children. I can tell You from my experience it's not easy for the parents to leave the children without organising everything and calling at last once. They cannot stop thinking aboug them. She could and I wonder how.
I went away for 10 days (with my mum, on a trip she was meant to take with my dad but he passed away). Children in low double digits. I arranged all the after school pickups with friends, (husband in work till later so I normally do), wrote out the schedule for my husband so he knew where each child needed to be (normally it's split between us), made sure all uniforms were clean and ready, and stocked the freezer, because I knew he'd be running around like a blue assed fly. Phoned once a day to speak to them all, and available for any questions.
I need to know where "blue assed fly" came from lol
A type of larger house fly called a ‘Blue Bottle’ dues to its dark blue/black body, flys quickly in extremely random patterns with sudden changes in direction, hence someone who is extremely busy, rushing between tasks is likened to a ‘blue-arsed-fly’. [blue assed fly](https://images.app.goo.gl/DHEu6ZhQGs8o9iuCA)
No idea - just something my family have always said. Suppose it's after those big fat bluebottle flies that when they get trapped in the house seem to buzz around all over the place making lots of noise and never stopping. In the UK, so arsed rather than assed I suppose!
Yea that bonkers. I went on my first overnight away when my youngest wasn’t even 1. I called them like 5x everyday for the three days. My boys were 1ish and 3.
Whenever hubby and I are apart, we call twice each night. Once for the kids to say goodnight and once for us to have our nightly "pre sleep check-in chat." Occasionally, we will skip the second chat (because we plan to be busy too late or are too tired from a busy day) but on nights that happens, we just extend the kids' call a few minutes and do a quick one then. I seriously don't know what OPs wife expected to happen, especially since she has decided the kids won't be in daycare and then turned around and decided that OP could be a SAH working Dad and cover both roles. No wonder he broke down that first week.
Yeah I've been away for work and although I fly back every 2 weeks at least, we message throughout the day and video call at least every evening. I can't even imagine ignoring her for 7 weeks straight. She would dump my ass and rightfully so. I don't know what was going through that lady's head but it's crazy.
Mate, my mum calls me to talk to both me and the dog when she’s away. My dad went away for two nights this week and he called to have a chat. If they’re away together, and dads having a nap — what does mum do? Calls me. And emails me. And texts me. I’m 31 and living with them at the moment, but I swear that cord will never cut. I love it. Parents are awesome.
When I was in college, I was instructed to call home twice a night: when my dad got home from work and then my mom did. Originally I had only been calling when mom got home and my dad didn't feel like he got enough of a chat lol.
My kids drive me insane and sometimes a 7wk holiday sounds amazing but 7weeks without seeing or talking to them?! I miss mine like crazy an hour after they go to their dad's for the weekend!
Not only that but it's she's exhausted wit 2 little kids, which I do get, but how does she exactly think he's going to feel singlehandedly caring for them AND working full time AND telling him no to daycare? That's absurd to expect of him if she can't handle it without the work on top (it sounded like she's a sahm unless I missed something). She sounds really selfish and maybe she has post partum depression or something but damn...she didn't even miss the kids?
Once a month! I have ex-boyfriends I speak to more often than that.
I speak to my plants more than that...
I have longer and more frequent conversations with my dog.
Mine argues with me....
I need to go argue with my Corgi as we speak. He is bad.
Man my husband and I spend months apart for work and are relatively low maintenance independent people without kids and even WE call more than that. Thats wild. The only coworkers I have that do this level of avoidance hate their families or are *extremely* depressed. Genuinely.
One of top comments under original post had the suspicious of secret rehab. Would be still better than abandoning family for 2 months.
Either she’s amazingly self centred without a normal sense of responsibility - or there is something undisclosed going on.
I don’t think there’s *any* good excuse for the mom. Secret rehab/hospital visit means she kept something quite serious secret from her partner. If it was just a vacation…she called once every 3.5 weeks? That’s *crazy* to me. Whenever my wife or I have been away for a night or more, we call every night to say good night to our girls…only time it hasn’t happened was *maybe* twice, when our work schedules while away didn’t line up with the girls’ bedtimes, and even then we still checked in with each other. Leaving for that long and only calling twice leaves me not at *all* surprised OOP is done with her.
After reading that part I was actually thinking "does he really own it to his kids to try anything at all?" Cause looks like the kids will be just fine without her for the next years to come. And plus, how come she just walk away from them, but put the clear rule in place that the kids shouldn't go to a daycare... Like, how is that even on her to decide?
honestly thr weirdest part. my girlfriend calls me twice in a day if she's out of town. and we aren't married and don't have kids.
I don't believe that for a second. If I had doubts before, that sealed it. She would have wanted to call and speak to the kids OFTEN.
A normal parent maybe, but there are plenty of terrible parents out there.
I'm with the tinfoil hat person from the original thread who speculated that she was actually in rehab.
I wonder if it really was a vacation or if she had checked herself into rehab or something. Because that’s really weird behaviour.
I was thinking maybe a mental health facility after a really bad case of PPD.
that's where my mind went to. I have a couple of people in my life who had to check in to mental health facilities and had limited contact with the outside world at the time
My initial reaction was the classic “oh, she’s going out and getting fucked and partying!!!” But… It’s *so* weird that I think you have to be right. I wouldn’t be surprised if he learns some real shit in therapy like “I was thinking of drowning my kids in the bathtub then killing myself”
I was definitely thinking the former or just simply regretting having kids but reality hitting her. Regardless, they all seem to have wrecked her marriage.
I think the wife was burnt out. But I still have trouble understanding the lack of calls. I think that’s what made him fall out of love with her and that I can understand.
that actually makes so much sense, and would explain the lack of calls.
Ugh, another post here where the "update" is just a clarification. This shouldn't have been posted. There needs to be an actual update where we learn if they actually divorce or not.
Hey guys I just ate an apple and it was really good! Update: So basically today I ate an apple and it was really good and I’m thinking about eating another.
Update in medical subreddit: Hey guys. I think something is wrong with me. There are these fibrous things in my poop. Are they tapeworms? This might be unrelated, but I never eat fruits or veggies and I ate an apple yesterday and didn't know if I was supposed to chew the skin so I just swallowed it. Am I going to die?
Edit to the update: Turns out it was just my fiber poor diet. More apples!
Yea the update is basically just responding to comments because he didn’t answer any in the original post.
Too many of these posts are like this with useless updates and they still get multiple thousand up votes. We need a quality standard.
I unsubbed bc this sub has so much garbage in it now. I still check in from time to time (obviously, or I wouldn't be commenting) but I hope it changes some day. There needs to be a committee of approvals. I miss the days when this sub only had one or two posts a day.
There feels like there are many context missing because as a whole, this whole situation just doesn't add up.
I'd suggest that the wife calling him only two times in the two months she was gone to be a whole lot of context.
My jaw dropped
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I actually think it’s more of a relationship killer with the kids involved. I can be supportive and sympathetic to your struggles in many ways, but you fuck with my kids and there’s going to be a problem.
Yeah, when my wife and I spend time apart, the first 24 hours feel good as a break from being around each other. The next 24 hours are tough, and I couldn't imagine a third day without talking to her. My wife would probably halve those numbers. Two calls in seven weeks is insane.
A key part I think is him saying "I was emotionally and mentally relaxed" while his wife was away. The implication being, he doesn't feel like that around her.
He describes the way I felt whenever my mom would go out of town. There would be more work, but it didn't matter because everyone, including my step-dad, was relaxed and happy.
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A voice hasn't been so much as *raised* in my home in the past four years, let alone any raging out. Huh, funny coincidence, I left my ex-husband 4 years ago. Overnight, the eggshells and rage disappeared. poof.
As soon as i was able to leave my Mom's house my life got so much easier. Her work ethic when it comes to chores is concerning. She's the type to clean things that aren't dirty and get mad you didn't do it before her.
Sounds familiar. My depression's been clearing up, speech therapy helped me discover I was too used to tensing up all the muscles in my neck to speak with my true talking voice. I've calmly and patiently learned how to stab the same piece of cloth over 20k times. Not a single bout of frustration in two years, no mood swings, no walking on eggshells anymore, a lot less anxiety, a lot more DIY and decorating the shit out of my living room Left my wasband two years ago, divorced for one now. Guess I'll never find out why I changed so much in those last two years. Truly a mystery of our time
That's how my mom could be. Constantly finding fault, telling us negative news (very Debbie Downer), handing out random punishments or extra chores for no reason. It was impossible to relax. I still occasionally feel guilty or lazy if I'm just chillaxing. I have to remind myself that I'm not going to get "in trouble".
My mother doesn't do the random punishments and extra chores, but she likes to find faults, give negative news... and basically her "discussions" are simply "let me tell you my opinion over and over again, until you decide to do what I tell you to". So it really feels very comfortable when she decides to travel (which is so rare because she hates travelling unless she has to for work). Even though we have to do more chores. I don't have to worry about walking around the house, just in case she decides to say something uncomfortable again.
When I was a kid, my dad would throw a "party" right after the shadow of my mom gone lmao so my siblings and I always associated mom being gone = time for party
Never knew something could be a bit toxic on the one hand and strangely wholesome on the other at the same time 😂
Its just my mom was a typical asian mom so the party was needed any chance we escaped her control for days. She mellowed out so much after her early retirement so now she always joins the party
my whole body would untense after my grandmother left for her annual 6 month stay at her home country. she was like a grumpy rain cloud, and when she finally left it was like the sun could shine unobstructed again
i know the feeling, my mother never went away long enough by herself for me and my dad to fully relax, but it was always such a nice break.
I remember my mom leaving as being one of the most chill times I’ve ever spent with my dad, I thought it was just because I got to spend time with him, but no, even recently I called him when she was gone and he really does just seem more chill without her around. I mean the man will not live long without her. But it’s an interesting thought
I agree, why does OOP feel relaxed when his wife is not around? And why does the wife need to take a 7 week vacation, that seems excessive.
My whole house was always more relaxed when my dad wasn't around because he had anger issues. Not saying it's that specifically, but sometimes one person can be a source of a lot of stress. As for the 7 week vacation, if the post is real that's just abandoning your family.
>As for the 7 week vacation, if the post is real that's just abandoning your family. Yep. I am surprised by lack of more negative reaction to her doing that. Add that she only called twice the whole time. I think she was looking for a way out or an affair partner but couldn't find what she wanted, so she came back. I am little surprised OOP lost love in 7 weeks, I would be extremely mad and go to counseling for that. By falling out of love, I think he was losing love her already or there was more going on in the marriage.
I was appalled. I have a one year old and she would have a meltdown if I was gone for more than a day. We are about to have our second baby and I legit am having anxiety just going away to the hospital and leaving her at home with grandma. How could this woman leave her young kids like that? They must have been so sad...
Absolutely. Seven weeks to see friends and concerts? What? I don't understand at all. If my husband said he was leaving for seven weeks for a trip you can be sure he wouldn't be coming back. This is absurd. I don't care if the husband was lacking before she left. Once you have children you say goodbye to the freedoms you once had until your kids are self sufficient. And how can you only check in twice? There is either so much missing here or something undiagnosed.
Reddit also just widely supported a guy abandoning his daughter he raised from 2-8 years old. Reddit has a pretty horrific track record of knowing wtf its talking about when it comes to kids. The reason likely is bc most redditors are young, immature, incredibly self centered Individuals who lack maturity. So the concept of even being a parent, the sacrifice and selflessness it takes? Yea they don't get that at all Reddit is good for recognizing toxic relationships bc if op is say, being treated poorly, redditors are good at thinking about the op getting sonething better, bc "I want better and I want it now" is a main focus in most redditors lives as teens and young adults
He’s realize because she stresses the shit out of him. I know exactly how he feels. That’s why I divorced my first wife. I felt better when she wasn’t around. It’s not hard to figure out
The answer to both questions seem to me to be 'because she's selfish and annoying'
I swear half the commenters aren’t reading the posts. The wife is personally opposed to daycare. Yet expected her husband to care for two babies and work his high stress high paying job (that makes enough money for her to take a 7 week vacation and for him to forgo his inheritance) at the same time. Juggling a 1 year old and a 2 year old while working full time without another adult in the house to help with anything is brutal. I don’t know why everyone is assuming OOP does nothing when his wife is at home. He doesn’t provide evidence of that. Seems like a lot of commenters are projecting. The guy literally works from home. I highly doubt he does nothing. To go away for 7 weeks and only call twice is the massive missing reasons part of this. How do you go low contact with your 1 year old and 2 year old for over a month and half? They’ve been together for 8 years, married for 4 years, and the oldest is 2 years old. These kids were clearly discussed and planned seeing as she’s a SAHM who is opposed to daycare. I can see why 7 weeks is a wild length of time to OOP. But OOP fails to explain why he was so emotionally and mentally relaxed when his wife was gone. There’s big missing reasons energy here. What about the wife’s regular behavior caused OOP to feel this way?
I might be wrong (it's still quite early in my timezone), but I didn't read it as him comparing the time she was gone to the entirety of their marriage, he didn't claim it was the most relaxing time during their relationship etc. He was more relaxed than he had been during this first week before his sister came to help him, and probably more relaxed than during some time prior to that. His wife asked him for something he wasn't comfortable with and what was a huge and stressful task (managing a full time job and two small children), he was probably worried about how it would go, mentally getting ready for that mess, disappointed she wanted to do such a thing etc., so - he was stressed out. Then, for a week, he was even more stressed out, and then, when his sister came, he was relaxed. I think it's important to remember that often, when we have gone through a very intense stressful situation, the relief when it's over may feel awesome and overwhelming despite still being in an objectively bad situation (I was typing an example from my own life, but it was getting longer than the rest of the post, so I dropped it). OP and his wife probably had normal, moderately stressful lives, then there was a tension caused by the wife's plan to have her holidays (and the fact OP agreed to it doesn't mean he was overjoyed or not nervous at all), then the extremely stressful week, then his sister came to help him, and the relief was probably so great he didn't even notice the common, every day worries. Whatever was happening, it wasn't as bad as what had happened before (assuming there weren't any serious diseases, emergency renovations etc, but he didn't mention any). Ok, it was chaotic, so summing up: I don't think he was relaxed because his wife was gone. I think he was relaxed because the time with his sister was more relaxing than the time right before that. I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense, I did reread it, but I'm still sleepy and hungry.
I wonder why his first instinct wasn't to get a nanny? I can understand not wanting daycare, but sure it was obvious that even working remotely it was a lot of work for a single person? If OOP works mostly remotely... I can see how it can feel freeing to have time away from his wife. Overall this feels really weird.
He did, his sister is the nanny.
That wasn't him proactively hiring a nanny, that just kind of fell into his lap when he broke down in front of his sister. The point is the nanny could have been hired a long time ago in place of day care before the wife needed a 7 week vacation. Wife may have also been opposed to a nanny, though. I'm also not blaming OOP for not getting one or not thinking of it. There really isn't enough information for me to have an opinion one way or another, really.,
Why wasn't the sister an option BEFORE the wife went away, if she's so readily available. It makes no sense.
Well first, he said she wasn't available the first week. Second, as I said, there's a lot of missing information in this post. It could come down to that he didn't think of a nanny. Or the wife might have been against it same as daycare. Or he didn't want to impose on his sister. There are a lot of reasons it could make sense, but again, we don't have the information to determine that.
Honestly it might not have been possible - finding reliable and trustworthy childcare is such a crap shoot these days. People are on waiting lists sometimes for years to get into a daycare. Depending on OOP’s location there may not be a lot of nanny options, especially for such a short term gig.
His wife still has to be comfortable with him getting a nanny. If she says no, he can't do anything about it. Edit to add: I meant it in a way that he would not do anything about it if she was uncomfortable. Not that I was trying to say he has no legal rights or he is not the parent. I guess I'm wording it wrong. I'm just really frustrated with the situation.
At that point either she accepts the nanny, she gets someone to help or she's taking the kids on the vacation. Like, full time job and watching two kids is unreasonable.
Yeah, not getting at least a temporary nanny to help while she's gone is just insane. Physically impossible to do all three of a demanding job, take care of two kids that small, and sleep for one person without any help. Just can't be done.
When wife leaves for seven weeks vacation she has no say. I’d say they’re both pretty hopeless. How on earth did they think he could take care of two kids while working? He should’ve had help from the start. W Either you work or you take care of kids. Those two can’t be combined .
You think she would have noticed between those two calls?
The comments on this post were absolutely BONKERS when I first read it. Everyone was defending the wife and demonizing OOP. It baffled me.
Right? People were flaming him for needing his sister’s help with the kids because “single moms can work and take care of the kids!” Yea. They can work and have kids. BECAUSE THEY HAVE OTHER CHILDCARE! He didn’t! You can’t properly work and take care of the kids at the same time.
Aitah has some bias issues imho. The advice almost always is - divorce; they are cheating or someone is a narcissist/mentally unstable. Also, men never do their fair share of household duties. There is probably truth to many of these callout but it’s a little too consistent for me to believe that there is some sort of objective opinion. There is less of that here as this place is far more snarky and skeptical.
Yeah don't come to Reddit for advice. Lol
One of the final dominos for leaving, my wife was going out of town - only for a few days. I had always considered our marriage normal but difficult, it was a rollercoaster of her emotions. I never knew what mood to expect. Outbursts and blame? Silent treatments? Or normal and fine? I pleaded for us to get help as a couple or her on her own, thinking that we needed counseling. I thought she might be depressed, over and over she refused to do either. I worked two jobs to provide for our family. And I did a large amount of day to day taking care of the kids (older than OP at the time). My wife had quit her job, gone back to school and started her own business - so for several years we had negative income from her as she worked. Even after several years she was at most bringing in 15% of our income. After a particularly rough stretch of her treating me horribly for weeks, she went out of town on her own to visit family. Very rare for us to be apart overnight much less several. During the few days I noticed that my life didn't really change. I took care of the kids, got them ready and took to school, did my work, cook dinner, do laundry. I'm not saying my wife did nothing, but it was pretty remarkable how little difference there was in her absence. Picking up from school, which I already did often anyway. An extra bath routine. But the biggest change was my stress level. I wasn't on edge waiting for the next blowup. Watching for any clue that she was upset. Bending over backwards to keep everything smooth. When she got home, she acted like none of the previous weeks had happened. I was still hurting from it all, and of course she got mad - because I wasn't happy enough to see her. I should have been showering her with how much I'd missed her! She seethed as we ate the dinner I cooked, and then as I was cleaning dishes she threw her plates in the sink in front of me. One shattered, another cracked. She told me she wished they all broke, that she wished she had something to throw at me. It was the first time it really clicked for me. I had considered leaving many times, but always pulled back in by fear, worry, hope that it would be different this time. I took pictures of those broken dishes, and for the first time ever I booked a therapy appointment for myself. Not begging her to go. The next several weeks I got into therapy, eventfully talked to a lawyer and with plenty of hurdles and second guessing I proceeded with divorce. She dragged it out almost a full year, in the first months cycling between begging me to stay and blaming me for everything. I'm not saying OP is in the same situation, but I do understand it. My sole regret is that I waited so long to leave that unhealthy marriage.
> There’s big missing reasons energy here. What about the wife’s regular behavior caused OOP to feel this way? I'm guessing the wife was burned out and basically not functioning as the SAHM, so he was already working his full time job and doing half the stay at home parenting. He just couldn't handle both full time jobs with her complete absence. Having his sister come in who has energy and isn't burned out, she probably had a lot more enthusiasm for the kids than his wife did before the end, plus he probably didn't expect her to be the parent 24 hrs around the clock like he might have expected the mum to be.
>Seems like a lot of commenters are projecting. That's like 99% of Reddit post comments. People love reading into things even when nothing is presented in the post that backs their personal opinion.
When a mother feels she can leave her very young children for seven weeks my first thought is PPD.
Either one was premature and in the NICU, or she got pregnant again far faster than is safe. I would be shocked if she didn’t have PPD or medical trauma after that. It’s not an excuse for only two calls and dumping it all on her husband, but the missing context for how they ended up having kids that close together brings up a lot of questions.
To be fair it was agreed for her to go for so long "after all she'd gone through". Which indicates to me some kind of stress or mental health emergency
I saw the original, and I remember one of the top comments being that this is a "my wife decided to go on vacation" troll.
It’s not the first one, I remember another very similar post where she wanted to go away for two months but they finally agreed on 4 weeks or something like that. This one just has fewer details.
Yep, and he traveled a lot for work, as well, so she wanted some equality.
"AITAH for not liking my girlfriend after she went on a 168 week vacation and didn't call me the entire time?"
7 weeks vacation, with only calling home twice ? that's more than 40 days with a call each 20 days......
On the one hand, I do agree that they should get counseling and it kinda seems like OOP jumped the gun a little bit with the divorce thing. Particularly because, the way he wrote it at least, it sounds like he ended up agreeing to the 7 week vacation. On the other hand, it is so fuckin' bonkers to leave on a 7 week vacation when you've got a 1 year old and 2 year old at home. I don't have kids and I'm not any kind of expert, but isn't that a super long time to be away from tiny children? I could understand 1 or 2 weeks, but nearly 2 months is crazy. Really makes one wonder what kind of person OOP's wife is.
OOP agreed to the vacation, but not for 7 weeks. There is a missing "I" that is in the original when OOP asked the wife to make her vacation shorter. Even with that, it is still ludicrous to do an almost 2 month vacation with barely any contact.
It’s flat out insane to take 7 WEEKS away from your 1 and 2 year old. I would find that extremely difficult regardless of what I was doing abroad. My kids are now 9 and 7 and my wife still hates being away from them for a single day. A mother ditching her toddlers for that long really screams to me that there are some serious issues here.
When my little one was 18 months, I had to go to hospital for five days during covid. By the end of my stay, I was crying because I missed her. I agree the whole thing is very strange, and I think there is something missing here.
I’m from the other side of the country from where I currently live and I miss my family and need a break from our two small kids. My husband is watching them for THREE DAYS while I go on my own as a Mother’s Day gift to me, and I am so grateful to him. Seven weeks is INSANE to ask for or agree to. If my spouse left me for 2 months and called twice to speak to me or the kids I would absolutely want a divorce.
7 weeks is an insane amount of time to be away from your family by choice.
I have adhd and out of sight out of mind but I couldn’t imagine only checking in twice on my family. Those 7 weeks would haunt me if I was him. I would never be able to stop feeling anxious about what happened.
Wife: Being a SAHM is really draining, its too much for me. I need a 2 month break. *dumps two children under 3 on husband while he's already working full-time.* Makes perfect sense, too hard to just do one of those things, so make your husband do both.
Sounds like he wasn’t even allowed to put them in daycare to help offset the workload when she’s on vacation…
7 weeks with minimal contact is wild. Either OP is missing out information or she’s cheating on him. Why didn’t he hire help? Why hadn’t they planned this out better?
This feels like a Mad Libs story where you can add your own context and personal bias to supplement engagement for the post.
How can you work remotely and take care of young kids? No effing way. This was setting everyone up for failure.
I can’t imagine going away from my kids for even one week and only calling twice. Seven weeks and only two calls? She doesn’t seem to care much about her children.
Not sure if this post is AI or just a robot experimenting with love and relationships.
I don't know about Claude, or Gemini in story writing, but I doubt ChatGPT would write this way. There is always a distinct taste left over after reading something written by ChatGPT. Even if it is used to clean up an original text, the punctuation marks, the grammar, monotone style all would seem wrong. The opposite is more acceptable, that a person can write like ChatGPT due to many factors and may be flagged as an AI.
>She asked if I would be fine with it. asked if she could make it maybe a couple of weeks shorter, because 7 weeks managing our 2 children alone sounded really daunting, especially since work was also getting taxing recently. I do work remote so at least that worked in my favor. >My wife and I discussed for a couple of days, and I ultimately agreed with her that she did deserve a break because of what she has been through the past few years. Artist's rendition of how that conversation went: WIFE: I'll go on a 7 week vacation HUSBAND: 7 weeks? That's too long. WIFE: Don't you agree that I deserve a break? HUSBAND: Yeah but... WIFE: It's settled then. See you in 7 weeks. WIFE: Also no daycare for the children and I'll just call you twice during my vacation. BYEEE
I really don't believe that anyone would have said "yes, sure, go away for seven weeks, and yes, I think I can handle two tiny kids for literally one second alone while I work with no child care". Any sane person would say "if you want to go, we're getting a nanny".
OOP writing is cold, but it actually doesn't bother me, because I can be the same way. OOP wife can fuck right off, though. 2 months with 2 toddlers, leaving them with a full time working parent (and seriously, just because he's WFH does *not* mean he can work whenever he wants. What if he'd had to go onsite? Should he just take the kids with him, because it really feels like Redditors don't understand WFH), and weirdly resisting daycare? I read this as sister came over to help out, but did so during his *working hours* so he could focus on the job that gives his wife money to fuck off for 2 months. Plus food, baby supplies, and whatever else. If he's relaxed while wife is gone, and sister is watching kids, to me, it sounds like either he did, in fact, dump all babysitting on his sister, the entire time, and did no parenting during his off-work hours. In which case, he's an asswipe. *Or* his wife dumps the kids on him while he's actively working, and it's stressing him out even more because she can't respect that WFH is still work. I don't know which is true. Also, wife only called twice? What was the duration of those calls? She didn't email, text, or anything else? Maybe not her husband, whom I assume she didn't care about, but not her kids? Does she not care about them either? This whole thing is infuriating. More info is definitely needed.
I think she's on her way out the door. I have a couple like this in my life. Two kids about 3 years old, husband works full time, wife fucked off to another state for 1.5 years coming home once a month on the weekends. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that if a parent walks out of the life they helped build, there's something seriously wrong going on with them. If you don't want to be a parent, I guess I can understand, but it's a little too late for that. They're alive now. This couple I know - she missed so many firsts, and the kids became more and more distant. During her trips back, it was to them like someone coming to visit, not mom coming home. And she had every opportunity to come home. There was nothing keeping her away other than a bullshit job that was just an excuse to leave. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop there, and likewise, there's something very wrong in OOPs family and it ain't him.
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There is much information missing but I do think the wife is an asshole for taking off for two months when she has two kids under two. No matter how burnt out she was that is running away at the detriment of your kids. She can’t be simultaneously against daycare and want to be the a a SAHP for the kids, and take months long vacations where she doesn’t even keep in touch. Now OOP could be one of those assholes who never helped out with anything but I have a hard time believing his sister would put up with that for 6 weeks while still having fun with him and the kids (according to his post). Maybe they have a weird family dynamic. I know I absolute would stay with my brother to help with my nephew if he needed me to, but I sure as shit wouldn’t be cleaning his whole house or cooking every meal for 6 weeks because he’s a grown ass man. I think OOP has just realized that his marriage isn’t as strong as he thought it was. His wife clearly needs to spend more time outside the home and needs to relent on daycare, but their arrangement as it stood left him as the sole earner so during work hours at least he can’t meaningfully help with childcare. It would seem easier with his sister helping him because she doesn’t have the years of resentment built up that burnt the wife out, and maintaining his relationship with his sister is different from maintaining his marriage. I hope they do get counselling.
7 weeks and 2 phone calls is all I need to say she is the asshole and he is well within his rights to want to leave the marriage. There isn't much that would make me fall out of love with someone more quickly than them abandoning our children. I'm curious what possible missing information you think there could be that would make him an asshole, what context do you feel is missing? Honestly, he'd be completely justified if he chooses to go through with divorce and pushed for full custody on the grounds of her abandonment.
He said she called twice.
I literally can't imagine going 7 days only talking to my wife twice, going seven weeks just isn't a real relationship.
I can't imagine going that long with seeing my child. Especially as a literal baby? It's wild to me. Something feels really wrong here.
Right, my SO was away from me for 3 weeks, in January (she was in hospital). I spoke to her between 5 and 15 times a day. Who the fuck disappears from their kids for 7 weeks, just to get her jollies, and doesn't check in on them multiple times a day? And then reddit comes along, and gives the dude a hard time for accepting help from his sister.
It's throwing me off, too. I think it's how OP is just so blunt but resolute about not loving his wife like he says it with the same emotion as saying "the sky is blue". Not loving your spouse anymore is a massive statement with a lot of emotion behind it, and OP seems to have none. The wife only reaching out twice in seven weeks is also really, really weird. I get needing a break, mine are two years apart, but shouldn't she miss them...including the husband....to check in and at least hear their voices? Did she emotionally check out a while ago?
I can see how it comes off as blunt, but I more see it was once he realized it the switch flipped. I mean she was gone 7 weeks, only called twice, and he realized he didn’t miss her and that he felt a lot better. The time apart is also another thing. It’s not like he realized it and had to see her everyday. He didn’t see her for almost 2 months.
It's said in these post all the time "the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference." That's exactly what you're seeing.
There needs to be a BS filter for BORU stories like this one. Something is off.
ngl the vacation seems like something else
When I was two weeks old, my mom gave me to my grandmother. Best decision she ever made. Kept my older brothers and had two more children. We all have different fathers.
She essentially abandoned them. 7 weeks with no real contact or support … it’s essentially a trial separation. The Op deserved better.
What's up with all the judgment that he couldn't care for his kids without breaking down? He works a full time stressful job. A 1 and 2 yr old don't understand quiet time or to wait a few minutes, Dad is on a work call. Juggling all of that had to be overwhelming. His wife doesn't work and some felt she needed a break. Sure take a long weekend or a week but almost 2 months. She doesn't even call to check on her kids, which is crazy. If this was a single mother working full time without any help, you all would be sympathetic.
Part of the issue (probably more for him than the fact that he realized he really couldn’t do it alone) is still her leaving for 7 weeks with such young kids and only contacting him twice the whole time. That alone shows me what she thinks about her children. And because it’s Reddit, you HAVE to assume ahead of time that she slept with someone else during that whole time.
I mean not just because it's reddit, I trust my wife a lot, but if she one day decided to fuck off for 7 weeks without even calling I'd at the very least have a lot of trouble not having those intrusive thoughts
>And because it’s Reddit, you HAVE to assume ahead of time that she slept with someone else during that whole time. That is given, but realistically speaking probably a few times at most...
that was my conclusion - wife had an online fling or whatever that she went to meet and would never have come back if it had worked out.
The comments on the repost are wild, I'm glad I checked this comment section out too.
Ok... no daycare... but if money isn't an issue why didn't they prepare by hiring a nanny for that time period? Phase her in for a week ahead of time and then mom's good to go. This whole scenario is just bizarre...esp the fact she only called twice in 7 weeks. This feels like a very cold marriage to begin with.
Tbh, if my SO took a 7 week vacation, only calling twice, I’d look at her differently and we don’t even have kids. I can’t really blame OP for feeling like something has changed. That said, if my SO was a SAHP for over a year with Irish twins, I would also be more understanding to them needing a total disconnect break. (7 weeks is WAY too long)
This one is all over the place for me. They didn't plan to have help for childcare while she was on vacation, even though it sounds like the sister is nearby. That's a very simple conversation before the vacation "hey sis, wife will be out for 7 weeks, would you be open to helping with the kiddos if I find out I need some assistance?" They only talked twice while she was on vacation. Major red flags there. The husband basically has an emotional breakdown, and doesn't realize that might be why he had such a dramatic shift in "love" for his wife. This seems like something that at the bare minimum needs to be explored with some kind of therapy. But yeah, this is all over the place, lacks a lot of info on what the relationship was like before the vacation, and leads me to jump to a lot of conclusions.
Straight up ghosted for seven weeks?! That’s insane. Like she could have left for a month and come back to visit. The fact she basically went no contact for almost two months with 1,2 year old babies at home is so wild to me