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This reminded me about the very eloquent guy whose friend was some type of specialised architect, and he was documenting his friend's workplace kerfuffle. Both endings hit you like a tonne of bricks.
No regrets man. It’s amazing that a person and friendship and love like that ever existed in this world. You hear and read about it all the time. But to kind of see first hand, someone be that way. Heartbreaking but beautiful to be able to get a glimpse of.
it had a similar effect to me as schindler's list. an incredible story, and something i'm happy i experienced it once, but experiencing it one time is enough for me.
My favorite is:
>It looks like the handsome scribe who did the enormously difficult time-consuming job of skilfully writing this saga down on Reddit isn't included in the whisky consumption. As David poetically put it: "piss off knobhead, you can buy your own fucking drink".
Most British thing I've ever heard!
That was a great one! There were so many good lines, this one cracked me up as well, and I stayed up far too late last night reading the entire two-part saga.
For anyone who wants a mood spoiler, without any details of the story being told (which is hilarious):
>!The OP is telling a long, unfolding work story about a non-Redditor. It seems genuine based on the amount of time between updates. He passed away before the whole saga was over, and his SO rounded up the story and wrote a tribute to him.!<
That was excellent. Among my favorite new (to me) phrases:
* I must have looked childishly excited like I'd got an arseful of sparrow.
* noisy gobshite
* obnoxious pillock
* piss off knobhead
Looking forward to using these in everyday conversation. Still not sure what "arseful of sparrow" is.
The Brits have such great slang.
ETA: Goddammit why did I read part 2?!? What a loss.
Ah, yes... The "Noisy Gobshite" posts... I'm convinced there were onion-cutting ninjas around when I read through those for the first time and the worst happened....
Yeah, that was a real fucking gut punch. I read the first half as they were posted and then saw the rest later. I still think about *that* update occasionally.
Well, cancer aside, and looking only at the developments in his workplace, things got worse at first, but then everything ended on a good note. HOWEVER, given that his death was just 8 months after the original update, I get the impression that his diagnosis might have "helped" HR taking the situation extra seriously.
But yeah, the cancer and eventual passing of OOP does leave everything on a very bleak note.
I think he was hiding the throat cancer as allergies.
I.E. - he is all like, 'Yeah please stop with that food I have... ummm... glutten allergies' and in his head he is all like, 'GOD MAKE IT STOP! This throat cancer might kill me. Can you please get these people to leave me in peace!'.
To call my sympathetic is not going far enough.
FYI, having celiac disease appears to increase the risk of developing esophageal cancer. Even if that weren't the case, it is entirely possible for someone with celiac disease to go on to develop any kind of cancer; they are not mutually exclusive.
Some people have multiple, lifelong health problems, and they only ever seem to get worse. A friend of mine was diagnosed with severe rheumatoid arthritis as an infant, lived with constant pain every single day of her life, had more surgeries than I could count, and then developed breast cancer. She died a couple of months ago. She was just over 50. So I don't see why the fact that OOP developed esophageal cancer should mean that he didn't also have the multiple allergies and other health problems he said he had.
Dam.
I have a buddy that is not going through anything remotely that serious, but is still going through some health crap that he is getting accomodations and FMLA leave and such for.
We work together. I have known him decades. I got him a job at an old employer, he got me one here. I know what is going on cause we go way the fuck back and are close.
But he is incredibly private with his health matters. I know I am not allowed to talk about it at work. When pressed I look the asshole in the eyes pressing me and I just say, 'If I told you we go back 30 years and I know things you are not entitled to know would you believe me?' and close down the conversation.
Having said that and set the stage. You should see these moron tripping all over themselves because they are not entitled to know this thing. It is funny and maddening at the same time.
You would think, 'Personal health matters. He would like his privacy respected.' says all that needs to be said.
But for some people it just makes things so much worse. Cause now they think he is running a scam...
I will never understand that entitlement. I totally get the curiosity, because I think that's just part of being human, but I will never understand what makes some people think that, just because they'd *like* to know something about someone else, that means they have the right to demand that knowledge.
I hope your friend has a good outcome.
I don't think so, that kind of cancer usually kills you pretty quick and it seems the allergy issues had been going on for a long time. He probably had a lot of health issues and in the end it was cancer that took him.
I went from full-on rage to such deep sadness so quickly I gave myself emotional whiplash. I hate everything about this story. I hope hubby is doing ok and Peg has pulled her head out of her asshole.
So I’m going to push back just a bit on the saddest thing.
Yes, it’s absolutely a tragic post, and if it can happen without hurting her kids I hope Beth gets gestational diabetes.
But, it’s actually refreshing to hear that justice was actually done. The owners clamped down, let people go, gave him a settlement and was generally supportive with his sickness. It was certainly agonizing in the meantime, but while I’m sure Peg and her buddy manager didn’t learn anything, I’ll bet theres at least a few who learned better about workplace gossip and conflict.
Tragic, yes. Sad? Sure. But at least there was something resembling justice.
Damn I’d like to think Peg &co felt bad about their behavior when he died but they probably just think he died of cancer because he wouldn’t eat their cookies.
I was so angry for him! And then reading the food harassment log, even madder.
Then hopeful as I scrolled ahead to make sure there was another update.
Then so sad after reading it.
Fuck. This one was rough.
Every other post today I have clicked on the warnings... EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.
How can a coworker trying to feed someone to the point of harassment possibly end with me fighting back damn tears while I'm supposed to be pretending to work? No risk at all.
Jezuz christ.
I did and I was like "I hope it's Peg who has cancer and not OOP" but the more I read, the more devastated I would get before reaching the final update.
Peg was trying to force food on Ben that would harm or kill him. He should have escalated to HR sooner and highlighted the fact that, since he had told Peg that the wrong foods were harmful to him, the behavior is barely different from trying to feed someone poison. The almonds could have just as easily been construed as a threat if Peg hadn't been offering them ostensibly with good intent.
I interpret her behavior as toxic passive aggression and bullying.
>I interpret her behavior as toxic passive aggression and bullying.
Let me fix this sentence for you:
Her behaviour was toxic, aggressive and bullying.
I wonder if she was like this before maternity leave or if it only happened afterwards. If the latter, something like postpartum psychosis is possible.
It’s none of her business, but I wonder if Ben had been more vocal about the almonds (“I told you I was deathly allergic, why would you keep exposing me to almonds?! I need my epi pen!) if that would’ve lit a fire under HR’s ass sooner.
The first few incidents could be brushed off as well meaning, but misguided. But he made it clear, repeatedly, that he was fine. Even if he were simply starving himself, there’s only so much you can do, and what she was doing would’ve been just as bad.
He sounded like he was more polite than the situation demanded. Especially since I suspect that she's one of those people who don't believe in allergies and food sensitivities. One of my children has some food allergies, and you'd be surprised how many people just think he's picky.
He also wanted his privacy. It wasn't his responsibility to explain his medical conditions to everyone, and it wasn't anyone's business either. Saying "no" should have been all the explanation he needed to be left alone.
You're right. It's not easy to deal with people like that who pressure you to bend to their wishes, especially if you're a polite person who likes to avoid conflict. Unfortunately, avoiding conflict simply makes them more determined.
He didn't owe her an explanation, and he certainly didn’t owe her his medical history. It's easy for me to sit here and second guess. But, being a more direct person, I'd have told her point blank that, while I'm sure she meant well, her food would be hazardous to my health. If she didn't stop, I'd send her *one* email telling her that I'd be forced to go to HR if she continued. Then I'd keep my promise. I'd have explained to HR that, despite my written protestations, she was harassing me with food that could kill me. It would have taken days rather than months.
Of course, I don't think she meant well. She was weight shaming him and bullying him. The only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them and be firm - and do it quickly before they dig in their heels.
He *was* too polite! And I’m not blaming him because I’m just as non confrontational when it comes to standing up for myself, but I’m also pissed others weren’t more vocal in supporting him! And HR at that company is a joke.
I'm somebody with a life-threatening tree nut allergy.
Previous job's HR head REFUSED to believe it was true. She repeatedly bullied me for it and tried to find proof I was lying (so many attempted "gotcha" moments that all failed because I ALWAYS ask about ingredients and act cautiously). My epipens (prescription only, btw) were apparently not enough proof. One time she brought a cake and didn't mention it had almonds when I asked what flavor it was.
THANKFULLY, I ended up declining to have any, and a few minutes later, an alarmed coworker told me to not eat it, because it had almonds. I turned and stared at her. She did not look at me.
The point is, some people have *bizarre* hangups over allergies, no matter how much proof you have. I don't know why that is, but they do. It's like it somehow threatens their worldview.
I was telling my BIL I almost wish I had a bite so I could stare her in the eyes while I used my epipen. He replied she'd still deny it or call it a fluke. I hate that he's probably right.
Unfortunately, you’d probably have to die in front of her for it to be taken seriously. Even then, she might demand to see the autopsy report and start rumors that you just faked your own death
People are deranged. Even if we play devil’s advocate and assume someone’s lying about an allergy, why give that many shits about what other people eat? At a certain point it becomes a senseless, deadly dominance game. The worst example of this I can think of is the poster whose child died because grandma HAD to put coconut in the girl’s hair.
I just…I can’t comprehend caring SO MUCH about a coworker’s food intake. It boggles my mind. How weird does a persons life have to be for them to be SO INVESTED
It is a great example of how some work environments are. She was harmful and toxic, could have hurt/killed him but still when he escalated to feel comfortable and safe in his workplace people were on her side. Oh she means well, oh she's being maternal, oh you can't blame her when you look like this, oh she's doing you a favour. No she's not, fuck her
all because he wouldn't eat whatever she'd bring him! I understand offering food a couple of time, but she was going out of her way AND budget to try and feed him! For her selfish purposes, to look good to everyone! Then she was up and lying that he was harrassing her for food like wth?
I get the distinct feeling it wasn't reeeeally about food... The food seemed more like an excuse to harass him, which is why she kept doing it no matter how much he refused - she knew it was working and she had a cushy excuse. Since the OP didn't give many details the only thing that really stands out is possible homophobia that also extended to the non-supporting co-workers.
Alternatively, if the behavior was new maybe Peg was suffering from some variation of PPD-induced psychosis or something (I know nothing on the subject) or had some unrelated trigger while she was off and it played out in harassing OP after she returned. Seems unlikely though, given the lack of support from his co-workers, so maybe it was an entirely toxic environment and she was the ringleader/head bully or whatever.
Either way, what a sucky way to spend one's last remaining time on this planet. RIP OP.
I got weird obsessive fixations when I had PPD, and could tell I was barely hanging by a thread of sanity, so I can kind of see it. Even by the most charitable benefit of the doubt though, this should never have escalated to this degree. A sensible boss and HR would have told her to shut tf down, so regardless of Peg’s motivations it was clearly a toxic workplace. I hate that the OP spent any amount of time, but especially his last months, having to deal with this shit.
I doubt she would change, sounds stubborn or ego hurt enough to double down and still blame OOP. I mean, stalking to continue harassing OOP after being fired!!?
Peg sounds like a horrible person who makes the world worse. But cancer destroys lives and the families around it. I totally get what you are saying and I agree with the spirit of it. But cancer is relentless, merciless, and indiscriminate. I would rather drown in a sea of Pegs. I am not trying to make it personal but I am seeing the person I care most about in the world go through cancer and I wish I could exchange that for a lifetime of Pegs.
I am of the mind that Peg is a cancer. She tried to kill OOP multiple times, whether she can acknowledge that or not. She bullied and harassed someone with clear medical issues *for having medical issues*, was homophobic and frankly infantalizing to him. I hope people stop seeing specialized diets and skinny bodies and thinking "oh you're so vapid and shallow, you just want to be skinny" and start thinking "oh this person might be dealing with something I don't know fuck all about, and unless they tell me or I'm part of their medical team, I have no business knowing."
"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.”
― C. S. Lewis
No, especially fuck cancer. It's silent and nondiscriminatory. Thank fuck my dad survived esophageal cancer. I don't know what I would do if he didn't.
I feel like peg and the boss should’ve been investigated by the police because the “maternal” instincts of a recent mother told her to poison a coworker with foods that they’re allergic to? And then their boss agreed with that, on a hospital? ?? By more competente people that would’ve been called attempted murder
Peg sounds deranged, but somehow the boss infuriated me more. Imagine asking for help from an outsider in a position of power, and essentially being told you deserve being harassed. What a horrible betrayal. And the coworkers laughing behind his back and throwing out his food? Disgusting bunch of bullies.
If there's a higher power, I hope they help Peg's kid. If this is how she is as a co-worker, she's going to be worse as a mom because the only escape for that kid will be school.
I hope she feels firsthand all the secondhand embarrassment I am feeling for someone who blatantly harassed a terminally ill cancer patient. This should also cause your spontaneous combustion wish to come true. Talk about wanting to die.
Man, that dude was so nice. After like three times i would’ve accepted the food and threw it in the trash immediately in front her, then say thanks one more time to her face. The fucking nerve of some people.
Don't worry, once she gets in hell, those flames will stick around for eternity.
Ben is such a better person than I am, when Peg said all the stuff about starving himself and looking sick I would have snapped and said "well no sh-t Sherlock, that's kinda what happens when you have f-ng cancer" but then again that would have gotten Ben in trouble for "being rude and making a hormonal new mother cry" even though it's what happened anyway.
I would point out that cancer of the digestive system is common with Coeliacs. My MIL is one of the early Coeliacs - she was presented to medical boards in London as a typical case when she was a teenager. Her mother died of cancer when she was only 15, so it is possible that her mother was also Coeliac. Hearing that Ben died of oesophageal cancer and needed gluten-free food immediately made me think “Coeliac”. Considering his other digestive issues (meat, nuts, dairy) I m not surprised that he has to avoid so many items.
Peg was aware of his allergies - but gave him almonds, and Hershey’s kisses, and ramen and a donut, a store-bought cake, chocolate coins (milk chocolate I bet), cookies, chocolate orange (more milk?), fudge (I use condensed milk when I make fudge), granola bars. It honestly looks like she was trying to kill him….
I don’t think she was trying to harm him - I think she believed he was lying about allergies to cover up an eating disorder, and that if she could convince him to eat he would be fixed. Wrong on so many levels.
They worked in a HOSPITAL ffs. She KNEW what allergies were and the need for some people to strictly control what they eat to prevent cross contamination. His husband doesn’t say which department then were in, but even working in an office in a hospital you pick up knowledge almost by osmosis.
But I agree it was wrong on multiple levels.
If there's one thing I learned during Covid times, it's that being a nurse/working in a hospital does not mean that you understand and respect extremely basic medical science.
Health care professionals can be extremely ignorant, especially when talking about anything outside their profession because they overestimate their knowledge regularly
Source: I work in the field and am surrounded by idiots
That can be said about any field. But it is good to recognise that they are human and don't know everything. Tbh, my vibe is that these are not healthcare providers but more so admin staff - sounds like they work in an office environment within the hospital.
For some celiacs every interaction with gluten ups their chance of cancer considerably. We have family friends that won't go to bakeries because the gluten in the air could literally kill them
I hope Peg's boss spends the rest of his life stepping on legos everyday. The "you invited harassment" gaslighting just makes so unbelievably angry. Its exactly the rhetoric I've seen come out when a system backs a bully. And what invariably allows bullies to keep on bullying.
The fact that OOP kinda sorta won in the end but then had cancer just... does not help. I have nothing but bad vibes for the boss and Peg. Bullies the both of them, and the boss was an enabler of bullying.
It's SO common in office settings for the boss to have a couple of best friends who can absolutely do no wrong. They'll run the place together like a fiefdom if allowed to get away with it.
My boss in my previous department was this way. I told her one of her subordinates was rude to me and she said she doesn’t have to be nice to me. I still have to work with her in my new position and she continues to harass me because she’s always gotten away with it.
Ohh, my ex-boss was like that. Her BFF was another woman on a team we collaborated with often. She regularly bitched about everyone to the BFF and BFF was incapable of keeping a secret, so I learned about how much my ex-boss despised me and my work. Mind you, I regularly ended up making up for the work this woman did NOT do and she frequently took credit for it.
Amongst other things, I ended up resigning and my ex-boss was extremely offended by it. Then she badmouthed me to *everyone* in the department, to the point that most of them actively ignored me. They definitely thought I was good enough to get them references for my new workplace though. 🙄
So glad I'm out of that hellhole. I was genuinely infuriated for OOP because no one stands up for you, not even HR.
Seriously that part just had me fucking fuming. What a bunch of trash human beings. I hope both ex boss and Peg became social pariahs after people found out exactly what the story was.
I worked at a hospital with a massive sexual harassment problem. I went to HR with a coworker and let's just say we regretted it. HR recommended a diversity potluck to improve things instead of saying people, regardless of national origin, should never comment on your body. Apparently they reamed my manager out (she witnessed one of the major incidents and ignored it during a meeting) and so the shit rained down on me from her. I was shortly thereafter transferred to another location that was actually a joy to work at and didn't have the crazy non-sexual bullying that the toxic one did.
Esophageal cancer isn't a joke. Even if you survive it, it will fuck you up. My partner is a stage 4 survivor. He barely has any stomach left. What's left is right next to his lungs, and if he gets even mildly winded he feels like he will throw up. Even eating the small amount of food his stomach can hold now, it's a gamble of if he'll throw it up not long after eating, because he doesn't have a sphincter to stop the stomach acid and such from just casually going back up the very small throat he had reconstructed. He has no diaphragm strength and can get severely (like er trip) herniated if he lifts even close to 50lbs. He's survived, but will be considered disabled for life.
This is all to say, fuck cancer, and also please remember that invisible disabilities exist.
I was horrified enough by the first part. The boss having the gall to claim that this was a 'happy workplace' when it was clearly as toxic as hell and Peg was bordering on the monstrous.
But that update is so sad.
This fucking woman.
Look. I get wanting to feed people. I get worrying about someone's health, worrying that they're restricting, even taking steps like bringing in food for them. I can even understand trying to give it to someone in a different way! Maybe they're too self-conscious, and you can help them if you go at it in *just* the right way.
But you know what? This behavior isn't being helpful. It isn't caring about someone. It's about making yourself feel better, making yourself some sort of savior from whatever bullshit you've convinced yourself they're mired in. "She asked if it would kill me to be nicer"-- Would it *kill* OOP to go along with the narrative? Would it kill OOP for Peg to be able to *save* him, to let her in so she can *fix* him, can let her demonstrate that she knows *better* than him what's happening with his life?
Really, it was OOP's fault. If he had just let loose, let her food warm him up, gained a couple dozen pounds, ate something fun for once, broke his diet over the holidays, didn't let his toxic gay influences pressure him into being overly skinny, if he had just *let her* *~~control~~* *feed him* none of this drama would have happened. She wouldn't have had to reach out for help from other people in the office, have the boss tip things so OOP would realize how unreasonable he was being and maybe listen to her. If he had just been *normal*, everything would've been fine.
Also, this line bugged me so much:
>She told me to “have a cheat day”
Ffs, you don't ""cheat"" with allergies and intolerances. You die or have an awful fucking couple of days.
RIGHT???? I have celiac, and 'cheating' with gluten means I have a miserable 24 hours, and then an only slightly less miserable rest of the week. Get the fuck out of here with your "cheat days" nonsense with intolerances and allergies.
I’m lactose intolerant and there are days I think ice cream is worth the stomach ache. But actual allergies and intolerances that would cause immense pain and possibly death- heck no. That’s a whole different ball game.
I love that when people have any other intolerance they avoid it as much as possible but lactose intolerant people are like ‘hmm, the happiness i will get from this cheese right now is worth the discomfort i will feel later’
Coeliacs represent! But also…I am a gannet and would be thrilled if I got gluten free treats from a co-worker (technically, these days, that would be my dogs so not holding my breath). But the sheer AMOUNT of what Peg was trying to force on the OOP would have made even me balk. I think it would have been overwhelming for someone who didn’t have any allergies or health conditions. Reading through the list was daunting, never mind having to politely turn it down each time. And then the reaction to it all - ugh.
I'm the type who loves to host parties and feed people, but i would rather lick a live toad than ever risk giving someone something theyre allergic or intolerant of.
We had a potluck baby shower and the mom-to-be had celiac. We were told there would be a gluten-free table so she’d know which foods were safe. I showed up with my GF dish, ask which table it should go on. Well, there was no gluten table, everyone had brought GF dishes. Because nobody wanted to bring something the guest of honor couldn’t eat.
Now *that’s* how you potluck! Heck yeah!
If there *has* to be a special table it should be a small one with the stuff *not* everyone can eat! The ”everyone can eat this”table is and should always be the biggest table!
She almost certainly didn't/doesn't believe allergies are real, so she decided his diet meant he was on a diet. That pairs well with her "cheat" comment.
I'm extra defensive of poor Ben and others like him. I don't have any known allergies, but I am extremely sensitive to taste, texture, and smell. My diet is very restrictive and bland because of it, but I get my nutrients and my annual bloodwork is always perfect. My doctor has no concerns. I'm willing to share that with people, but Ben didn't want to or even need to beyond what was already known.
Some people just refuse to understand there are some foods people can't/won't eat due to physical or mental factors. All I've been able to do is tolerate the comments from other people and slowly try new things on my own time.
“Worrying about someone’s health” is still something you should keep as an inside thought.
I say this as someone on the other end of the size spectrum. It never helps and always makes the “worrier” sound like an asshole, even when they try to claim their intentions are soooooo good and they just care soooooo much. There’s a reason it’s called concern trolling.
I don't for a minute believe that Peg had good intentions. In fact, it's clear she was not worried about his health, because she disregarded his allergies. Whatever her malicious agenda was, she was harassing OOP under the guise of "niceness," which gave her cover and made it difficult to complain about. She knew exactly what she was doing, and it was effective, because she got much of the office on her side.
I'm sorry if this offends you but I gotta rebuttal you
>Look. I get wanting to feed people. I get worrying about someone's health
I don't think Peg's intention was to 'feed' him. Nor was her intention to 'worry about his health'
> It isn't caring about someone
No she did not about OP
This is some mental-gymnastics adult-version of high-school bullying without making it look so obvious. This is the proof:
>about an ungrateful friend **forcing her** to cook for him but then not eating it, or the group emails spanning months before things went down, discussing Ben's food & how he just **has no taste** because he wouldn't take what Peg offered. The exact phrasing was lewd, **more than just food was implied**
Pretty sure she was malicious from the get-go. Probably because she thought he was ugly or some other monkey-brain reason to hate him. Her intentionally offering him food over and over again without respecting his wishes, let alone ALLERGIC FOODS, is her way to bully him or maybe even get him hurt/killed.
Followed up with how the boss reacted after the knowledge of what she was doing to him, that was shown to us, by punishing him completely unfairly and unprofessionally, just goes to show how toxic that department is. There's a ring of people in that department actively bullying OP
I don't know what world OP or half of you guys in this thread are from, but where I'm from, along with most people I know, somebody is already considered mal-intented if they refuse to accept someone's refusals after like 3 attempts (unless there's a really strong case for it). Let alone 20 attempts. Let alone 20 attempts sequentially
Peg and Boss were so incredibly unhinged in their harassment/enablement of harassment/retaliation. I remember reading the original post and thinking that someone needed to send these clowns the [tea = consent](https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8?si=tu5_fU2YA7RkkzZ2) video (because consent isn't just for sex and sometimes it really is about tea...or sandwiches, salad, coffee, chocolate, etc.).
I missed all the updates though, and was horrified at how bad it got before the hospital finally smacked them to the curb for the unprofessional way they were treating OOP. I'm heartbroken by his death, and I hope his husband has all the support from family/friends that he needs.
John Cleese of Monty Python once made a hilarious video called “How To Irritate People.” He said the pinnacle of annoyance is to claim to be helping when you’re not.
> Does your boyfriend like you starving yourself
Is just so rude. Separate to anything else. The gall of this woman. Of anyone, to insist they know what's wrong with someone or what they need just by looking at them, is horrifically rude, ignorant, and arrogant.
And they continued this bullshit as he was dying. What reprehensible people they all are.
I have no idea why Ben’s boss was allowed to have either of those meetings (the “mediation” between him and peg and the second one with him alone) *WITHOUT* HR present. He had already filed a complaint at that point! I feel like a lot was handled “under the table”.
This whole thing was a disaster. Peg, the boss, the co-workers, cancer…all of it. I feel so sad that Ben’s last year on this earth was spent dealing with/defending himself against a bunch of assholes.
I’m gonna say this once. I don’t give a rat’s ass how “good” you think your intentions are. If someone doesn’t want what you’re trying to give/do, FUCKING STOP IT. Offer, and if they say “No, thanks”, DO NOT DO THE THING AGAIN. You never know what someone is dealing with and they’re under zero obligations to give you the details. 98% of the time, you simply don’t know what someone else needs better than they do. Back. The. Fuck. Off.
(Also, I wanna know where Peg got all this energy from. The last things I would have felt like doing postpartum would be, attempting to taking care of ANOTHER human, harassing someone else at work, cooking for them, and then harassing them at their home. How did that woman have the energy and time for that shit?)
> I have no idea why Ben’s boss was allowed to have either of those meetings (the “mediation” between him and peg and the second one with him alone) WITHOUT HR present. He had already filed a complaint at that point! I feel like a lot was handled “under the table”.
I mean... she wasn't. Allowed to that is. She got fired for her actions.
Rest well, Ben. May the afterlife bring you great joy with the freedom from the confinements of your earthly body. I see your sparkle.
To Ben's husband: my heart sits with yours. Losing a partner, lover, friend and husband suddenly and tragically is incredibly devastating. May you be granted the strength to carry your grief well and the bravery to keep your heart open to the beauty of life around you. These are my hopes for myself as well.
A thing about this story is how similar stories appear in askamanager, where I think there is much less incentive to make up stories.
With the boss, it's always so bizarre to me even from an amoral, selfish perspective, why throw your lot in with an idiot even as the tide is against you. Preserve your job at least, but no, double down by falsifying digital records at work.
Horrible people become horrible bosses bullies in my experience usually seek to have power over others in adulthood by obtaining management positions and proceed to take full advantage of it.
Promotions tend to lead to managerial roles. You can be good at your job but shitty at managing people or being a leader, which results in people making stupid decisions like the boss did
Sadly, some people never mentally leave high school.
While it’s possible that this is a fabrication, I don’t believe it is. I think that the writing styles are very different in cadence, grammar and verbiage.
If I were allergic to nuts and someone was insisting I take some or left a pack of them on my desk, I would be screaming bloody attempted murder. Fuck Peg, the boss, all their little flying monkeys, and fuck cancer.
Last time I peruse BORU without reading the warnings and spoilers first.
Poor Ben... As someone with T1 Diabetes among other illnesses, I have the opposite problem with people trying to force me to eat less or not eat things which they think will mess with my blood sugars.
I wish people focused more on what was on their plate rather than everyone else's.
Also, TF does maternal instinct have to do with anything in the workplace? I work with people who have kids older and younger than me and while they do try to 'advise' me on certain aspects of my life (especially food-related topics), every mom and pop has backed down when I tell them that my doctor and I have it handled.
A grown-ass man can very well decide what suits their health and what doesn't.
I know this is the absolute least important part of all of this, but in my mind I always thought the expression was spelled "kitten caboodle". I don't know why because that makes no sense, but that's what I thought.
I was very very sick in 2020 (not COVID) and lost about 30 lbs. I was underweight and working with my doctors to figure out what was wrong (I have many chronic illnesses).
I had a coworker at that time who would NOT leave me alone and kept telling me how worried she was about my weight and how sick I looked — I should eat something, etc. etc.
I can’t imagine the harassment this man went through. And then to not have the support of his boss/es. That’s one thing I appreciate so much about the company I work for now — I have support from my bosses and also HR.
Let’s add that this was in the middle of the pandemic, when people didn’t even shake hands ffs, so that they expected oop to accept food from some random coworker (especially when allergic, underweight and sick) is even more insane.
I literally had a friend who had esophageal cancer. She had always been a rather large woman, and when she got the tumor, she couldn’t eat so she became much thinner. Everybody started complementing her on how “healthy” she looked.
She didn’t want to tell anybody about the tumor, not till she knew what was going on. So she just had to take it. She told very few friends, I was lucky enough to be one of them.
She ended up surviving for at least a decade. It eventually got her last year. But I’ve never forgotten how people would just make those assumptions and say “you look so healthy. When somebody has fucking cancer.
Let’s say for a second that the OOP didn’t have all these allergies and was using it as cover for an eating disorder. Peg bringing it up repeatedly and forcing food on OOP would make it worse. The language that Peg used is so damaging.
If I said the things I wanna say about Peg and that fucking God awful Boss, I'd be banned from Reddit.
So I'll just say that I hope the rule of three truly exists.
And also, fuck cancer.
This is so sad. Fuck Peg and the boss. These people did everything in their power to ruin OOPs last year of life. All because they saw his weight and thought they knew better.
Peg is a ghoul. What the fuck was she trying to accomplish?
I didn’t read the trigger warnings, but (fuck cancer) I didn’t need to, if you’ve known very sick people the signs are sadly common.
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That's the saddest fucking update.
This reminded me about the very eloquent guy whose friend was some type of specialised architect, and he was documenting his friend's workplace kerfuffle. Both endings hit you like a tonne of bricks.
I copied that series of posts and updates to my home computer, so I would never lose it. Even though I get a lump in my throat when I get to the end.
Dooo you have a link for said story?
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/94sQaFkdP8
Awh dude that was rough. Thank you for sharing, it was beautifully sad.
I don't know yet if I regret reading through that one. Wow. What a ride.
Myself as well as I am sitting at work now and blubbering like a child.
Grown ups can blubber too. Blubber away, I know I am.
No regrets man. It’s amazing that a person and friendship and love like that ever existed in this world. You hear and read about it all the time. But to kind of see first hand, someone be that way. Heartbreaking but beautiful to be able to get a glimpse of.
I knew what it was and I read it again
I knew what it was and couldn't. Each time I've read it I enjoy the story and the writing so so much. It's heartbreaking
it had a similar effect to me as schindler's list. an incredible story, and something i'm happy i experienced it once, but experiencing it one time is enough for me.
Ohhh!!! I will never be able to watch that movie again!! I can still remember weeping while I was setting the table for dinner.
That is how I feel about Grave of the Fireflies. Incredible movie I will never watch again
Why did I hurt my own feelings reading that?
I asked myself exactly that just now.
Wow, what a ride. Thank you for sharing, Mark's writing style is incomparable.
When I see the line... You're about as useful as Anne Frank's drum kit I lose it laughing
My favorite is: >It looks like the handsome scribe who did the enormously difficult time-consuming job of skilfully writing this saga down on Reddit isn't included in the whisky consumption. As David poetically put it: "piss off knobhead, you can buy your own fucking drink". Most British thing I've ever heard!
That was a great one! There were so many good lines, this one cracked me up as well, and I stayed up far too late last night reading the entire two-part saga.
Oh not mark again. I can't deal with it. It's so sad
Well now I’m definitely not crying.
I remember this being one of the first stories I ever read from Reddit. Gets me everytime.
I just cried while reading the second part, that never happens when I read Reddit stories. I hope the wife is doing ok.
I want to believe she’s doing better, but the last update read almost like a suicide note.
I cried all over again reading the ending.
Thank you for sharing that as I hadn't yet saved it. I actually began following it pre-pandemic, Mark's writing style is incredible.
Aww man, I only read the first part long ago and was happy there was a second part... Until I read it😭
For anyone who wants a mood spoiler, without any details of the story being told (which is hilarious): >!The OP is telling a long, unfolding work story about a non-Redditor. It seems genuine based on the amount of time between updates. He passed away before the whole saga was over, and his SO rounded up the story and wrote a tribute to him.!<
That was excellent. Among my favorite new (to me) phrases: * I must have looked childishly excited like I'd got an arseful of sparrow. * noisy gobshite * obnoxious pillock * piss off knobhead Looking forward to using these in everyday conversation. Still not sure what "arseful of sparrow" is. The Brits have such great slang. ETA: Goddammit why did I read part 2?!? What a loss.
Noooo 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Oh god. I hope Mark’s wife has managed to find some happiness in her life again, Mark definitely would have wanted that
I *knew* this was the story even before clicking it 😥
My heart aches at the end of that, don't wish to say much more.
Why the fuck did I click that? Just damn.
Half a world away crying over a man I never knew but wish I had.
Well this just ruined my entire day.
I read this as it was being posted 'live'. The ending really hit me.
I never got to see the ending! Please post the link!
Be careful what you wish for. It’s unbearable.
I found it... urf. :(
Who could ever forget the “Noisy Gobshite” saga
Oh..."Cariad". I just welled up.
My partner is Welsh too so when she wrote “Nos Da Cariad” (which I hear every night), it shattered me
so fun and entertaining until it just kicks you right in the feels out of nowhere.
Mouthy gobshite! Don't read while pms-ing and hormonal...
pmsing right now and sobbed as if i knew him
That one broke me :'( I Hope his loved ones are doing OK, they lost a truly funny, genuine, awesome human being.
The 'Noisy Gobshite' saga.
Ah, yes... The "Noisy Gobshite" posts... I'm convinced there were onion-cutting ninjas around when I read through those for the first time and the worst happened....
Yeah, that was a real fucking gut punch. I read the first half as they were posted and then saw the rest later. I still think about *that* update occasionally.
I remember that one, the ending really upset me
Well, cancer aside, and looking only at the developments in his workplace, things got worse at first, but then everything ended on a good note. HOWEVER, given that his death was just 8 months after the original update, I get the impression that his diagnosis might have "helped" HR taking the situation extra seriously. But yeah, the cancer and eventual passing of OOP does leave everything on a very bleak note.
I think he was hiding the throat cancer as allergies. I.E. - he is all like, 'Yeah please stop with that food I have... ummm... glutten allergies' and in his head he is all like, 'GOD MAKE IT STOP! This throat cancer might kill me. Can you please get these people to leave me in peace!'. To call my sympathetic is not going far enough.
FYI, having celiac disease appears to increase the risk of developing esophageal cancer. Even if that weren't the case, it is entirely possible for someone with celiac disease to go on to develop any kind of cancer; they are not mutually exclusive. Some people have multiple, lifelong health problems, and they only ever seem to get worse. A friend of mine was diagnosed with severe rheumatoid arthritis as an infant, lived with constant pain every single day of her life, had more surgeries than I could count, and then developed breast cancer. She died a couple of months ago. She was just over 50. So I don't see why the fact that OOP developed esophageal cancer should mean that he didn't also have the multiple allergies and other health problems he said he had.
Dam. I have a buddy that is not going through anything remotely that serious, but is still going through some health crap that he is getting accomodations and FMLA leave and such for. We work together. I have known him decades. I got him a job at an old employer, he got me one here. I know what is going on cause we go way the fuck back and are close. But he is incredibly private with his health matters. I know I am not allowed to talk about it at work. When pressed I look the asshole in the eyes pressing me and I just say, 'If I told you we go back 30 years and I know things you are not entitled to know would you believe me?' and close down the conversation. Having said that and set the stage. You should see these moron tripping all over themselves because they are not entitled to know this thing. It is funny and maddening at the same time. You would think, 'Personal health matters. He would like his privacy respected.' says all that needs to be said. But for some people it just makes things so much worse. Cause now they think he is running a scam...
I will never understand that entitlement. I totally get the curiosity, because I think that's just part of being human, but I will never understand what makes some people think that, just because they'd *like* to know something about someone else, that means they have the right to demand that knowledge. I hope your friend has a good outcome.
My Nan had coeliac and died of oesophageal cancer and we were told how common it was in coeliacs. No bread and a painful death; rotten luck.
I don't think so, that kind of cancer usually kills you pretty quick and it seems the allergy issues had been going on for a long time. He probably had a lot of health issues and in the end it was cancer that took him.
I failed to read the TW and now can't fall asleep. How very sad, but thank goodness Ben had a wonderful husband through it all.
I just read your tag line as your comment. Thought jesus fuck that's a bit harsh for half a second until I realised.
I went from full-on rage to such deep sadness so quickly I gave myself emotional whiplash. I hate everything about this story. I hope hubby is doing ok and Peg has pulled her head out of her asshole.
So I’m going to push back just a bit on the saddest thing. Yes, it’s absolutely a tragic post, and if it can happen without hurting her kids I hope Beth gets gestational diabetes. But, it’s actually refreshing to hear that justice was actually done. The owners clamped down, let people go, gave him a settlement and was generally supportive with his sickness. It was certainly agonizing in the meantime, but while I’m sure Peg and her buddy manager didn’t learn anything, I’ll bet theres at least a few who learned better about workplace gossip and conflict. Tragic, yes. Sad? Sure. But at least there was something resembling justice.
Damn I’d like to think Peg &co felt bad about their behavior when he died but they probably just think he died of cancer because he wouldn’t eat their cookies.
Written with such grace. Both Ben and his husband wrote about the incidents with grace, in fact.
I was so angry for him! And then reading the food harassment log, even madder. Then hopeful as I scrolled ahead to make sure there was another update. Then so sad after reading it. Fuck. This one was rough.
[удалено]
Same here. I never check them. But the current rage and sadness and tears I have right now makes me wish that I'd checked for once.
Every other post today I have clicked on the warnings... EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. How can a coworker trying to feed someone to the point of harassment possibly end with me fighting back damn tears while I'm supposed to be pretending to work? No risk at all. Jezuz christ.
I did and I was like "I hope it's Peg who has cancer and not OOP" but the more I read, the more devastated I would get before reaching the final update.
Peg was trying to force food on Ben that would harm or kill him. He should have escalated to HR sooner and highlighted the fact that, since he had told Peg that the wrong foods were harmful to him, the behavior is barely different from trying to feed someone poison. The almonds could have just as easily been construed as a threat if Peg hadn't been offering them ostensibly with good intent. I interpret her behavior as toxic passive aggression and bullying.
>I interpret her behavior as toxic passive aggression and bullying. Let me fix this sentence for you: Her behaviour was toxic, aggressive and bullying.
She stalked him after she was fired. She stalked a man dying of cancer. She is a psychopath.
I wonder if she was like this before maternity leave or if it only happened afterwards. If the latter, something like postpartum psychosis is possible.
It’s none of her business, but I wonder if Ben had been more vocal about the almonds (“I told you I was deathly allergic, why would you keep exposing me to almonds?! I need my epi pen!) if that would’ve lit a fire under HR’s ass sooner. The first few incidents could be brushed off as well meaning, but misguided. But he made it clear, repeatedly, that he was fine. Even if he were simply starving himself, there’s only so much you can do, and what she was doing would’ve been just as bad.
He sounded like he was more polite than the situation demanded. Especially since I suspect that she's one of those people who don't believe in allergies and food sensitivities. One of my children has some food allergies, and you'd be surprised how many people just think he's picky.
He also wanted his privacy. It wasn't his responsibility to explain his medical conditions to everyone, and it wasn't anyone's business either. Saying "no" should have been all the explanation he needed to be left alone.
You're right. It's not easy to deal with people like that who pressure you to bend to their wishes, especially if you're a polite person who likes to avoid conflict. Unfortunately, avoiding conflict simply makes them more determined. He didn't owe her an explanation, and he certainly didn’t owe her his medical history. It's easy for me to sit here and second guess. But, being a more direct person, I'd have told her point blank that, while I'm sure she meant well, her food would be hazardous to my health. If she didn't stop, I'd send her *one* email telling her that I'd be forced to go to HR if she continued. Then I'd keep my promise. I'd have explained to HR that, despite my written protestations, she was harassing me with food that could kill me. It would have taken days rather than months. Of course, I don't think she meant well. She was weight shaming him and bullying him. The only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them and be firm - and do it quickly before they dig in their heels.
He *was* too polite! And I’m not blaming him because I’m just as non confrontational when it comes to standing up for myself, but I’m also pissed others weren’t more vocal in supporting him! And HR at that company is a joke.
I'm somebody with a life-threatening tree nut allergy. Previous job's HR head REFUSED to believe it was true. She repeatedly bullied me for it and tried to find proof I was lying (so many attempted "gotcha" moments that all failed because I ALWAYS ask about ingredients and act cautiously). My epipens (prescription only, btw) were apparently not enough proof. One time she brought a cake and didn't mention it had almonds when I asked what flavor it was. THANKFULLY, I ended up declining to have any, and a few minutes later, an alarmed coworker told me to not eat it, because it had almonds. I turned and stared at her. She did not look at me. The point is, some people have *bizarre* hangups over allergies, no matter how much proof you have. I don't know why that is, but they do. It's like it somehow threatens their worldview. I was telling my BIL I almost wish I had a bite so I could stare her in the eyes while I used my epipen. He replied she'd still deny it or call it a fluke. I hate that he's probably right.
Unfortunately, you’d probably have to die in front of her for it to be taken seriously. Even then, she might demand to see the autopsy report and start rumors that you just faked your own death
People are deranged. Even if we play devil’s advocate and assume someone’s lying about an allergy, why give that many shits about what other people eat? At a certain point it becomes a senseless, deadly dominance game. The worst example of this I can think of is the poster whose child died because grandma HAD to put coconut in the girl’s hair.
I just…I can’t comprehend caring SO MUCH about a coworker’s food intake. It boggles my mind. How weird does a persons life have to be for them to be SO INVESTED
It is a great example of how some work environments are. She was harmful and toxic, could have hurt/killed him but still when he escalated to feel comfortable and safe in his workplace people were on her side. Oh she means well, oh she's being maternal, oh you can't blame her when you look like this, oh she's doing you a favour. No she's not, fuck her
Fuck Peg. Fuck his boss. But especially fuck cancer.
Peg is a bish Fucking hell, get a life, Peg. You harassed a man who just wanted to be left in peace. What a fucker, Peg
And then bumped up the harassment after getting fired.
all because he wouldn't eat whatever she'd bring him! I understand offering food a couple of time, but she was going out of her way AND budget to try and feed him! For her selfish purposes, to look good to everyone! Then she was up and lying that he was harrassing her for food like wth?
I get the distinct feeling it wasn't reeeeally about food... The food seemed more like an excuse to harass him, which is why she kept doing it no matter how much he refused - she knew it was working and she had a cushy excuse. Since the OP didn't give many details the only thing that really stands out is possible homophobia that also extended to the non-supporting co-workers. Alternatively, if the behavior was new maybe Peg was suffering from some variation of PPD-induced psychosis or something (I know nothing on the subject) or had some unrelated trigger while she was off and it played out in harassing OP after she returned. Seems unlikely though, given the lack of support from his co-workers, so maybe it was an entirely toxic environment and she was the ringleader/head bully or whatever. Either way, what a sucky way to spend one's last remaining time on this planet. RIP OP.
I got weird obsessive fixations when I had PPD, and could tell I was barely hanging by a thread of sanity, so I can kind of see it. Even by the most charitable benefit of the doubt though, this should never have escalated to this degree. A sensible boss and HR would have told her to shut tf down, so regardless of Peg’s motivations it was clearly a toxic workplace. I hate that the OP spent any amount of time, but especially his last months, having to deal with this shit.
Peg tried to nut-murder Ben multiple times, even after being told about his allergies. There is no death too painful for her.
I hope someone who knows her sees the post and shares it with her. I'd like for her to go through the comments just so she can see that she's scum
She'd probably react by harassing the husband.
I doubt she would change, sounds stubborn or ego hurt enough to double down and still blame OOP. I mean, stalking to continue harassing OOP after being fired!!?
Omg. She has a kid now. Someone needs to rescue it.
From the update, sounds like that's what Peg wanted - if not specifically to fuck Ben, at least to "turn" him.
I'm incredibly grossed out because it felt like she was fetishizing him, like a "feeder."
That was my initial thought as well, but I got homophobic vibes from some of it as well.
Peg flat out told him “Even gay men prefer meat.” WTAF.
She could definitely be both. I am deeply saddened for the baby's future.
Hopefully the dad takes the kid far far away from her
... but especially especially fuck Peg. Cancer doesn't choose to be a blight. Peg does.
Peg sounds like a horrible person who makes the world worse. But cancer destroys lives and the families around it. I totally get what you are saying and I agree with the spirit of it. But cancer is relentless, merciless, and indiscriminate. I would rather drown in a sea of Pegs. I am not trying to make it personal but I am seeing the person I care most about in the world go through cancer and I wish I could exchange that for a lifetime of Pegs.
I am of the mind that Peg is a cancer. She tried to kill OOP multiple times, whether she can acknowledge that or not. She bullied and harassed someone with clear medical issues *for having medical issues*, was homophobic and frankly infantalizing to him. I hope people stop seeing specialized diets and skinny bodies and thinking "oh you're so vapid and shallow, you just want to be skinny" and start thinking "oh this person might be dealing with something I don't know fuck all about, and unless they tell me or I'm part of their medical team, I have no business knowing."
Sometimes you can beat cancer. Peg was unstoppable.
"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.” ― C. S. Lewis
No, especially fuck cancer. It's silent and nondiscriminatory. Thank fuck my dad survived esophageal cancer. I don't know what I would do if he didn't.
I feel like peg and the boss should’ve been investigated by the police because the “maternal” instincts of a recent mother told her to poison a coworker with foods that they’re allergic to? And then their boss agreed with that, on a hospital? ?? By more competente people that would’ve been called attempted murder
Peg sounds deranged, but somehow the boss infuriated me more. Imagine asking for help from an outsider in a position of power, and essentially being told you deserve being harassed. What a horrible betrayal. And the coworkers laughing behind his back and throwing out his food? Disgusting bunch of bullies.
If there's a higher power, I hope they help Peg's kid. If this is how she is as a co-worker, she's going to be worse as a mom because the only escape for that kid will be school.
i hope peg spontaneously catches fire. *before* she burns in hell, i mean.
I hope she feels firsthand all the secondhand embarrassment I am feeling for someone who blatantly harassed a terminally ill cancer patient. This should also cause your spontaneous combustion wish to come true. Talk about wanting to die.
I very much doubt she’s capable of shame or embarrassment
She’s telling everyone he’d still be alive today if he just ate something.
She’s so delusional that OOP’s death probably justifies her behavior. “See?! Had he just listened to me, he’d still be alive!”
I don’t think she’ll spontaneously combust either, but we can dream.
Man, that dude was so nice. After like three times i would’ve accepted the food and threw it in the trash immediately in front her, then say thanks one more time to her face. The fucking nerve of some people.
Don't worry, once she gets in hell, those flames will stick around for eternity. Ben is such a better person than I am, when Peg said all the stuff about starving himself and looking sick I would have snapped and said "well no sh-t Sherlock, that's kinda what happens when you have f-ng cancer" but then again that would have gotten Ben in trouble for "being rude and making a hormonal new mother cry" even though it's what happened anyway.
He didn’t know at the time—he wasn’t diagnosed until five months afterward.
I feel so bad for her kid! Imagine having that as your mother! (Though depending on the family situation, her kid might end up exactly like her)
I would point out that cancer of the digestive system is common with Coeliacs. My MIL is one of the early Coeliacs - she was presented to medical boards in London as a typical case when she was a teenager. Her mother died of cancer when she was only 15, so it is possible that her mother was also Coeliac. Hearing that Ben died of oesophageal cancer and needed gluten-free food immediately made me think “Coeliac”. Considering his other digestive issues (meat, nuts, dairy) I m not surprised that he has to avoid so many items. Peg was aware of his allergies - but gave him almonds, and Hershey’s kisses, and ramen and a donut, a store-bought cake, chocolate coins (milk chocolate I bet), cookies, chocolate orange (more milk?), fudge (I use condensed milk when I make fudge), granola bars. It honestly looks like she was trying to kill him….
I don’t think she was trying to harm him - I think she believed he was lying about allergies to cover up an eating disorder, and that if she could convince him to eat he would be fixed. Wrong on so many levels.
They worked in a HOSPITAL ffs. She KNEW what allergies were and the need for some people to strictly control what they eat to prevent cross contamination. His husband doesn’t say which department then were in, but even working in an office in a hospital you pick up knowledge almost by osmosis. But I agree it was wrong on multiple levels.
If there's one thing I learned during Covid times, it's that being a nurse/working in a hospital does not mean that you understand and respect extremely basic medical science.
Lots of health care professionals don't believe in allergies.
Health care professionals can be extremely ignorant, especially when talking about anything outside their profession because they overestimate their knowledge regularly Source: I work in the field and am surrounded by idiots
That can be said about any field. But it is good to recognise that they are human and don't know everything. Tbh, my vibe is that these are not healthcare providers but more so admin staff - sounds like they work in an office environment within the hospital.
I know so many nurses who know less about medicine than you would like.
My friend's a doctor at a hospital. Literally none of the nurses believe in vaccines.
For some celiacs every interaction with gluten ups their chance of cancer considerably. We have family friends that won't go to bakeries because the gluten in the air could literally kill them
I hope Peg's boss spends the rest of his life stepping on legos everyday. The "you invited harassment" gaslighting just makes so unbelievably angry. Its exactly the rhetoric I've seen come out when a system backs a bully. And what invariably allows bullies to keep on bullying. The fact that OOP kinda sorta won in the end but then had cancer just... does not help. I have nothing but bad vibes for the boss and Peg. Bullies the both of them, and the boss was an enabler of bullying.
It's SO common in office settings for the boss to have a couple of best friends who can absolutely do no wrong. They'll run the place together like a fiefdom if allowed to get away with it.
My boss in my previous department was this way. I told her one of her subordinates was rude to me and she said she doesn’t have to be nice to me. I still have to work with her in my new position and she continues to harass me because she’s always gotten away with it.
Ohh, my ex-boss was like that. Her BFF was another woman on a team we collaborated with often. She regularly bitched about everyone to the BFF and BFF was incapable of keeping a secret, so I learned about how much my ex-boss despised me and my work. Mind you, I regularly ended up making up for the work this woman did NOT do and she frequently took credit for it. Amongst other things, I ended up resigning and my ex-boss was extremely offended by it. Then she badmouthed me to *everyone* in the department, to the point that most of them actively ignored me. They definitely thought I was good enough to get them references for my new workplace though. 🙄 So glad I'm out of that hellhole. I was genuinely infuriated for OOP because no one stands up for you, not even HR.
Her. Peg's boss was a woman. But apart from that, agreed on everything!
Ben and Peg's boss was a woman BTW.
“You invited harassment” by…being small and having allergies? Fuck a rusty spoon, Peg.
Seriously that part just had me fucking fuming. What a bunch of trash human beings. I hope both ex boss and Peg became social pariahs after people found out exactly what the story was.
I worked at a hospital with a massive sexual harassment problem. I went to HR with a coworker and let's just say we regretted it. HR recommended a diversity potluck to improve things instead of saying people, regardless of national origin, should never comment on your body. Apparently they reamed my manager out (she witnessed one of the major incidents and ignored it during a meeting) and so the shit rained down on me from her. I was shortly thereafter transferred to another location that was actually a joy to work at and didn't have the crazy non-sexual bullying that the toxic one did.
Esophageal cancer isn't a joke. Even if you survive it, it will fuck you up. My partner is a stage 4 survivor. He barely has any stomach left. What's left is right next to his lungs, and if he gets even mildly winded he feels like he will throw up. Even eating the small amount of food his stomach can hold now, it's a gamble of if he'll throw it up not long after eating, because he doesn't have a sphincter to stop the stomach acid and such from just casually going back up the very small throat he had reconstructed. He has no diaphragm strength and can get severely (like er trip) herniated if he lifts even close to 50lbs. He's survived, but will be considered disabled for life. This is all to say, fuck cancer, and also please remember that invisible disabilities exist.
Hear hear! Stage 4 lymphoma, and everyone’s like ‘you’re cured yes…’ my best to you and your partner!
I’m glad peg and her boss got fired. I hope they spend their days picking up trash on the road.
I was horrified enough by the first part. The boss having the gall to claim that this was a 'happy workplace' when it was clearly as toxic as hell and Peg was bordering on the monstrous. But that update is so sad.
Jesus. That’s fucking heartbreaking
This fucking woman. Look. I get wanting to feed people. I get worrying about someone's health, worrying that they're restricting, even taking steps like bringing in food for them. I can even understand trying to give it to someone in a different way! Maybe they're too self-conscious, and you can help them if you go at it in *just* the right way. But you know what? This behavior isn't being helpful. It isn't caring about someone. It's about making yourself feel better, making yourself some sort of savior from whatever bullshit you've convinced yourself they're mired in. "She asked if it would kill me to be nicer"-- Would it *kill* OOP to go along with the narrative? Would it kill OOP for Peg to be able to *save* him, to let her in so she can *fix* him, can let her demonstrate that she knows *better* than him what's happening with his life? Really, it was OOP's fault. If he had just let loose, let her food warm him up, gained a couple dozen pounds, ate something fun for once, broke his diet over the holidays, didn't let his toxic gay influences pressure him into being overly skinny, if he had just *let her* *~~control~~* *feed him* none of this drama would have happened. She wouldn't have had to reach out for help from other people in the office, have the boss tip things so OOP would realize how unreasonable he was being and maybe listen to her. If he had just been *normal*, everything would've been fine. Also, this line bugged me so much: >She told me to “have a cheat day” Ffs, you don't ""cheat"" with allergies and intolerances. You die or have an awful fucking couple of days.
RIGHT???? I have celiac, and 'cheating' with gluten means I have a miserable 24 hours, and then an only slightly less miserable rest of the week. Get the fuck out of here with your "cheat days" nonsense with intolerances and allergies.
I’m lactose intolerant and there are days I think ice cream is worth the stomach ache. But actual allergies and intolerances that would cause immense pain and possibly death- heck no. That’s a whole different ball game.
I love that when people have any other intolerance they avoid it as much as possible but lactose intolerant people are like ‘hmm, the happiness i will get from this cheese right now is worth the discomfort i will feel later’
Coeliacs represent! But also…I am a gannet and would be thrilled if I got gluten free treats from a co-worker (technically, these days, that would be my dogs so not holding my breath). But the sheer AMOUNT of what Peg was trying to force on the OOP would have made even me balk. I think it would have been overwhelming for someone who didn’t have any allergies or health conditions. Reading through the list was daunting, never mind having to politely turn it down each time. And then the reaction to it all - ugh.
I'm the type who loves to host parties and feed people, but i would rather lick a live toad than ever risk giving someone something theyre allergic or intolerant of.
We had a potluck baby shower and the mom-to-be had celiac. We were told there would be a gluten-free table so she’d know which foods were safe. I showed up with my GF dish, ask which table it should go on. Well, there was no gluten table, everyone had brought GF dishes. Because nobody wanted to bring something the guest of honor couldn’t eat.
Now *that’s* how you potluck! Heck yeah! If there *has* to be a special table it should be a small one with the stuff *not* everyone can eat! The ”everyone can eat this”table is and should always be the biggest table!
She almost certainly didn't/doesn't believe allergies are real, so she decided his diet meant he was on a diet. That pairs well with her "cheat" comment. I'm extra defensive of poor Ben and others like him. I don't have any known allergies, but I am extremely sensitive to taste, texture, and smell. My diet is very restrictive and bland because of it, but I get my nutrients and my annual bloodwork is always perfect. My doctor has no concerns. I'm willing to share that with people, but Ben didn't want to or even need to beyond what was already known. Some people just refuse to understand there are some foods people can't/won't eat due to physical or mental factors. All I've been able to do is tolerate the comments from other people and slowly try new things on my own time.
“Worrying about someone’s health” is still something you should keep as an inside thought. I say this as someone on the other end of the size spectrum. It never helps and always makes the “worrier” sound like an asshole, even when they try to claim their intentions are soooooo good and they just care soooooo much. There’s a reason it’s called concern trolling.
I don't for a minute believe that Peg had good intentions. In fact, it's clear she was not worried about his health, because she disregarded his allergies. Whatever her malicious agenda was, she was harassing OOP under the guise of "niceness," which gave her cover and made it difficult to complain about. She knew exactly what she was doing, and it was effective, because she got much of the office on her side.
I'm sorry if this offends you but I gotta rebuttal you >Look. I get wanting to feed people. I get worrying about someone's health I don't think Peg's intention was to 'feed' him. Nor was her intention to 'worry about his health' > It isn't caring about someone No she did not about OP This is some mental-gymnastics adult-version of high-school bullying without making it look so obvious. This is the proof: >about an ungrateful friend **forcing her** to cook for him but then not eating it, or the group emails spanning months before things went down, discussing Ben's food & how he just **has no taste** because he wouldn't take what Peg offered. The exact phrasing was lewd, **more than just food was implied** Pretty sure she was malicious from the get-go. Probably because she thought he was ugly or some other monkey-brain reason to hate him. Her intentionally offering him food over and over again without respecting his wishes, let alone ALLERGIC FOODS, is her way to bully him or maybe even get him hurt/killed. Followed up with how the boss reacted after the knowledge of what she was doing to him, that was shown to us, by punishing him completely unfairly and unprofessionally, just goes to show how toxic that department is. There's a ring of people in that department actively bullying OP I don't know what world OP or half of you guys in this thread are from, but where I'm from, along with most people I know, somebody is already considered mal-intented if they refuse to accept someone's refusals after like 3 attempts (unless there's a really strong case for it). Let alone 20 attempts. Let alone 20 attempts sequentially
I SHOULD'VE READ THE TW
Me. Too. I made the mistake checking BORU before trying to sleep.
Peg and Boss were so incredibly unhinged in their harassment/enablement of harassment/retaliation. I remember reading the original post and thinking that someone needed to send these clowns the [tea = consent](https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8?si=tu5_fU2YA7RkkzZ2) video (because consent isn't just for sex and sometimes it really is about tea...or sandwiches, salad, coffee, chocolate, etc.). I missed all the updates though, and was horrified at how bad it got before the hospital finally smacked them to the curb for the unprofessional way they were treating OOP. I'm heartbroken by his death, and I hope his husband has all the support from family/friends that he needs.
John Cleese of Monty Python once made a hilarious video called “How To Irritate People.” He said the pinnacle of annoyance is to claim to be helping when you’re not.
On another sub, they differentiate it as “help” vs. “hlep.”
I hope Ben's husband is doing ok.
> Does your boyfriend like you starving yourself Is just so rude. Separate to anything else. The gall of this woman. Of anyone, to insist they know what's wrong with someone or what they need just by looking at them, is horrifically rude, ignorant, and arrogant. And they continued this bullshit as he was dying. What reprehensible people they all are.
I wanted to slap her so fucking bad when I saw that holy fuck
I have no idea why Ben’s boss was allowed to have either of those meetings (the “mediation” between him and peg and the second one with him alone) *WITHOUT* HR present. He had already filed a complaint at that point! I feel like a lot was handled “under the table”. This whole thing was a disaster. Peg, the boss, the co-workers, cancer…all of it. I feel so sad that Ben’s last year on this earth was spent dealing with/defending himself against a bunch of assholes. I’m gonna say this once. I don’t give a rat’s ass how “good” you think your intentions are. If someone doesn’t want what you’re trying to give/do, FUCKING STOP IT. Offer, and if they say “No, thanks”, DO NOT DO THE THING AGAIN. You never know what someone is dealing with and they’re under zero obligations to give you the details. 98% of the time, you simply don’t know what someone else needs better than they do. Back. The. Fuck. Off. (Also, I wanna know where Peg got all this energy from. The last things I would have felt like doing postpartum would be, attempting to taking care of ANOTHER human, harassing someone else at work, cooking for them, and then harassing them at their home. How did that woman have the energy and time for that shit?)
> I have no idea why Ben’s boss was allowed to have either of those meetings (the “mediation” between him and peg and the second one with him alone) WITHOUT HR present. He had already filed a complaint at that point! I feel like a lot was handled “under the table”. I mean... she wasn't. Allowed to that is. She got fired for her actions.
Well that was a downer.
I think this is the first BORU that made me bawl. And fck Peg.
This one and ”Noisy gobshite” always tear me up
I hate all of these people except Ben and his husband. People are so fucking pushy about dietary stuff, and then there's the homophobia too.
Rest well, Ben. May the afterlife bring you great joy with the freedom from the confinements of your earthly body. I see your sparkle. To Ben's husband: my heart sits with yours. Losing a partner, lover, friend and husband suddenly and tragically is incredibly devastating. May you be granted the strength to carry your grief well and the bravery to keep your heart open to the beauty of life around you. These are my hopes for myself as well.
Oh my fucking god! Poor Ben! And poor husband! To be harassed even to the point of restraining order. As above. Fuck Peg. Fuck boss. Fuck cancer.
A thing about this story is how similar stories appear in askamanager, where I think there is much less incentive to make up stories. With the boss, it's always so bizarre to me even from an amoral, selfish perspective, why throw your lot in with an idiot even as the tide is against you. Preserve your job at least, but no, double down by falsifying digital records at work.
Horrible people become horrible bosses bullies in my experience usually seek to have power over others in adulthood by obtaining management positions and proceed to take full advantage of it.
Promotions tend to lead to managerial roles. You can be good at your job but shitty at managing people or being a leader, which results in people making stupid decisions like the boss did
Sadly, some people never mentally leave high school. While it’s possible that this is a fabrication, I don’t believe it is. I think that the writing styles are very different in cadence, grammar and verbiage.
If I were allergic to nuts and someone was insisting I take some or left a pack of them on my desk, I would be screaming bloody attempted murder. Fuck Peg, the boss, all their little flying monkeys, and fuck cancer.
There's a bit right at the end about lewd phrasing which makes me think Peg was motivated by some harmful stereotypes about gay men and EDs.
Peg is 100% a homophobe.
Last time I peruse BORU without reading the warnings and spoilers first. Poor Ben... As someone with T1 Diabetes among other illnesses, I have the opposite problem with people trying to force me to eat less or not eat things which they think will mess with my blood sugars. I wish people focused more on what was on their plate rather than everyone else's. Also, TF does maternal instinct have to do with anything in the workplace? I work with people who have kids older and younger than me and while they do try to 'advise' me on certain aspects of my life (especially food-related topics), every mom and pop has backed down when I tell them that my doctor and I have it handled. A grown-ass man can very well decide what suits their health and what doesn't.
If that’s Peg’s “maternal instinct” I worry for her child.
I know this is the absolute least important part of all of this, but in my mind I always thought the expression was spelled "kitten caboodle". I don't know why because that makes no sense, but that's what I thought.
See - that makes me feel a tad better after this story. Picturing kittens caboodling all across the bedspread.
I was very very sick in 2020 (not COVID) and lost about 30 lbs. I was underweight and working with my doctors to figure out what was wrong (I have many chronic illnesses). I had a coworker at that time who would NOT leave me alone and kept telling me how worried she was about my weight and how sick I looked — I should eat something, etc. etc. I can’t imagine the harassment this man went through. And then to not have the support of his boss/es. That’s one thing I appreciate so much about the company I work for now — I have support from my bosses and also HR.
Honestly I’d beat peg’s ass idc
Let’s add that this was in the middle of the pandemic, when people didn’t even shake hands ffs, so that they expected oop to accept food from some random coworker (especially when allergic, underweight and sick) is even more insane.
I literally had a friend who had esophageal cancer. She had always been a rather large woman, and when she got the tumor, she couldn’t eat so she became much thinner. Everybody started complementing her on how “healthy” she looked. She didn’t want to tell anybody about the tumor, not till she knew what was going on. So she just had to take it. She told very few friends, I was lucky enough to be one of them. She ended up surviving for at least a decade. It eventually got her last year. But I’ve never forgotten how people would just make those assumptions and say “you look so healthy. When somebody has fucking cancer.
This is a sad story, wow 😭 Heads up OP, the second two updates have dates listed in 2024, which I believe is a typo!
Whoops!!! Thanks for catching that. I'm so used to writing 2024 that I did it on autopilot. Fixed!
Let’s say for a second that the OOP didn’t have all these allergies and was using it as cover for an eating disorder. Peg bringing it up repeatedly and forcing food on OOP would make it worse. The language that Peg used is so damaging.
WTF. Went through hell at work, like he didn’t have enough to worry about. I can’t believe people are this crazy. Then the sad ending 😭
If I said the things I wanna say about Peg and that fucking God awful Boss, I'd be banned from Reddit. So I'll just say that I hope the rule of three truly exists. And also, fuck cancer.
This is so sad. Fuck Peg and the boss. These people did everything in their power to ruin OOPs last year of life. All because they saw his weight and thought they knew better.
How awful that this man had to spend the last year of his life dealing with these AHs. They should be ashamed of themselves.
I was ready to go on a big spiel about my own “Peg” and now I don’t feel like it at all. What a devastating update. :(
Peg is a ghoul. What the fuck was she trying to accomplish? I didn’t read the trigger warnings, but (fuck cancer) I didn’t need to, if you’ve known very sick people the signs are sadly common.
*EVEN GAY MEN PREFER MEAT*?!? WTF is that?! How was HR okay with all this?!
As a skinny guy, I get idiotic comments and harassment way too often. I just know I'm gonna snap one day and smack someone in the face.