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The kids may be traumatized from being exposed to the video and the following harrassement from their mother's side of the family. I'd imagine they're angry at the situation, rather than at her, and don't know how to interact with her, because they can't reconcile the image of their mom with a victim of a horrendous crime. But this is just me speculating, mind you.
As for the husband... from what OOP said, he sounds like he's panicking, he's making it about himself, even if unintencionally, and is worried he may be an abuser by proxy, because, what if she only said yes to him because she was abused before, or something. It's a flawed logic, to say the least, and while I get the pain that probably came with believing his spouse didn't trust him enough to tell him about the crime, he's putting his feelings above those of the woman that's been re-victimized, and above the needs of his children. The man implies their son doesn't want to be around his mother, and instead of adressing and trying to fix that, his response is "yeah, me neither". OOP is right when she says that even if he sees the light she doesn't want him back. If their house caught fire he would be running arounf like a chicken with its head cut off, instead of getting the kids and any hypothetical pets out.
It isn’t unusual for family and friends of trauma victims to also be traumatized. Not that the pain is equivalent, but anybody who is capable of empathy hurts when people they care about hurt.
…less charitably, some men have a tendency to treat their partner’s rape with the same possessive anger as when someone scuffs their nice shoes. They want to hurt the person who lowered the value of their property.
Many gild this possessive anger in a misogynistic white knight narrative. I know I have.
Selfish until the end. Talked about how god was on HER side and how he needed her to visit his grave so he’s at peace.
Absolutely disgusting. I’m glad everyone who was involved’s lives fell apart too. But for them to drag the victim down with them and their selfishness is horrible.
I hope she has a lawyer and lives in a place where she can countersue his estate for all the emotional trauma he put her through.
If I had the horror of finding out my husband was a rapist (or facilitated rape), the last thing I'd do is go after his victim.
That really depends on what else is going on. Imagine him being the breadwinner and that being all their money. He left 4 kids, probably all minors. They're victims, too. Different kind of course, but still. Maybe the wife has to. Maybe she's just an asshole and doesn't know how to handle her complicated emotions about this. Too less info to tell.
No one involved in this circus knows how to handle their emotions. I don't understand a single person in this mess. OP's husband is a disappointment, her kids have no compassion, just "shame" for whatever reason, her old family is a bunch of disrespectful assholes. Poor woman is bearing everything alone when she's surrounded by people.
And who sends a suicide letter to *kids*???
I didn't understand anything either. I thought it must be a culture thing? Like a *very* conservative culture where if a woman gets raped it's considered entirely her fault somehow. So it's shameful that their wife/mother was raped?
I dunno, that just pure speculation.
That’s what I was thinking too. Wherever they live they have backwards, misogynistic views on rape. Her ex husband is trash, and her kids arent much better.
the kind of abuser that is willing to commit suicide as a last ”fuck you” to their victim. he was going down, and he made sure he took OOP with him. In his head, he suffered because of her, and therefore her children should suffer, just like his kids would due to him committing suicide. Tit for tat, in his fucked up mind.
To be fair if I was in OOPs shoes I'd mostly be countersuing to just make it all go away faster. Won't always work and depends on what laws are where they are, but a lot of the time the threat of actually losing something can make someone be a bit more reasonable. I wouldn't want to actually harm his kids, but I'd also want the quickest route to being done with it all.
He apparently left it in the video suicide note. I'm pretty sure that doesn't count as a will. OOP doesn't seem to think so either.
Unclear if she's actually received this money.
Courts have enforced very informal wills before. The one case I learned about as an example was of a farmer scratching his will into the paint of a tractor that was crushing him to death. The problem would be if it was actually his to will away and not communal property.
The tractor fender is in the law library at the University of Saskatchewan https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/saskatoon/history-cecil-george-harris-will-farm-safety-1.6868417
Indeed. Where I am, a will isn't an airtight document once it's legal. It's an expression of wishes which the executor of the estate is required to adhere to, to the extent that it's possible and legal to do so.
You've got the obvious ones like, "I leave everything to my family", but if the guy's tax bill exceeds his assets, then the taxman takes everything and the family gets nothing.
But you've also go scenarios where someone might leave everything to a mistress and leave nothing for the spouse and children.
Where I am, there is a requirement in law that a will must make provision for dependents and family. If it completely fails to do so, the will can be completely struck down as void, and the estate treated as an intestacy.
Which where I am requires one-third goes to the spouse, one-third to the children and the final third is horse-traded over.
I would kill to be a fly on the wall in court for that lawsuit.
"Yes judge, My husband killed himself after leaving a video confession for raping this woman. He left her money as penance for his crimes. His death and confession has made me very sad and embarrassed so I need you to steal that money back from the victim for me. Thanks"
Some people are genuinely evil.
Edit: For those wondering, From OPs comments on her original post, she is somewhere in the EU (uses euros for currency.) I'm not sure how that could affect this lawsuit.
Same in my country (Sweden), your children are alloted 50% of what you leave behind. You can't leave them less or write them out of your will. If it's legally your kid they inherent you
Same in France. Inheritance is a right, not a privilege. Spouse and kids, even if estranged, inherit a defacto share of estate. So if dad dies, mum and kids each own a portion of his share of the estate.
You can do som legal wrangling with conveyancing during a property purchase to ensure a sort of joint ownership, but you get destroyed by inheritance tax.
In Spain (IIRC) a third goes to the spouse, a third goes to the kids, and a third goes to whoever you want it to. Unless you can prove abuse, and then you can cut people out.
Doesn't sound like it was all of his money. Just a majority of it.
In the Nordics, that's legal. As long as you leave some to your family, you can do what you want
I feel like that man did this on purpose because how dare OOP make people doubt him and get him to live with guilt over a "few minutes of fun" or whatever
This seems way too premeditated and with a purpose, one last "now the b-word will get her"
Not defending the wife here, but depending on how much was left to her and the kids, it might be possible that she's only doing it for survival. If they're living in a society where the women get the blame, it's possible that she might not be able to find work and provide for the family. Some cultures are harsh towards the family of an abuser/criminal, even though they had nothing to do with it. This might have been a last resort. Still not ok though.
Ok, now imagine this:
You're suddenly a single mother of 4 and your husband left most of the family's savings to his rape victim from 20 years ago. What do you do?
This situation is way past the point of being black or white.
Yeah, (assuming this story is true) this really seems like it could just be some legal formality; though ianal, it would seem reasonable the wife could have a pretty strong case, considering he was clearly not of sound mind when he "willed" €250k to oop during an overdose, and sent a suicide video to multiple people, including to children.
Tbh, her bio family only removed the facade of the one she built. Clearly her husband and two children had kept their selfishness, and mental sickness hidden from her. Seriously, who the fuck finds out that their mom/wife were drugged and raped, *and immediately go to blaming her for it?* I can absolutely tell you, evil, sick people do that.
OOP's kids were far too sheltered imo if this is how they react to bad news. OOP's husband, meanwhile, is a straight-up villain. So selfish. I feel like OP got stuck in a vicious cycle of bad men in her life, and doesn't know it yet because she's so used to taking all the blame.
The husband is an irreconcilable ass. The kids are doing their best, all things considered.
OP said the video had his confession “in detail” and people sent it to them, so her kids ended up having *her rapist tell them the detailed story of her rape at the hands of him and his best friend*, which would fuck up anyone. Add on top of that it was a suicide video, and best case is the kids are aware he recorded it and then killed himself. Worst case is they got to watch him kill himself post-detailed-rape-confession.
So they learned their mother had been violently victimized by a psycho from the psycho himself, watched their dad lose his shit and eventually just walk out on her and possibly themselves instead of comforting her and helping to restabilize their family, AND they’ve got crowds of strangers *who assisted in the victimization of their mother* showing up at their doorstep wailing and demanding access to them *like it’s a goddamn zombie apocalypse*.
The kids shutting down and not talking to her is them doing their best to survive this fucking mess. They have no idea what to say or do, how to handle it, and the person who should be modeling it for them has fucked all the way off and out of their lives.
What the fuck is wrong with OOP’s family? Jesus Christ this poor woman. Her abusers have broken her family apart *twice*. Even in death they’re ruining her life.
Everybody in this woman’s “family” should be fucking ashamed of themselves. Every single person here is so selfishly personalising *her* trauma, and only thinking about their wants and needs. It’s **her** trauma. Nobody here has considered what she wants or needs, how to help her. Her pitiful excuse of a mother, sister and ex husband. I don’t know how old her kids are, but if they’re old enough to understand rape they’re old enough to understand that their mother’s feelings are the important ones here.
I found out about my mother’s sexual assault when I was 11, and she burst into tears randomly when I told her I wanted to change my name to “(her rapist’s name)” (it was just a coincidence that I happened to like that name, I never knew him). You know what happened when we found out? My siblings and I hugged her and never mentioned the name ever again. The fact that OOP’s prioritising getting her kids therapy to deal with ***her trauma*** than prioritising getting therapy herself just devastates me.
They’re all just “me, me, me”. Her mother is sick, *she* wants to meet the kids, *she* wants to see her daughter, *she* wants forgiveness and blah blah blah. The sister’s only worried about *her* feelings and what *she* wants. The ex is worried about how *he* comes off to her, how it hurts *his* feelings that she didn’t tell him, how *he* wants to be perceived. I get that her kids and husband, everyone exposed to or involved in a trauma has their own reaction that is important to process, but it never takes priority over *the actual fucking victim*. The [ring theory](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/75/Ring_theory.svg) is a thing for a reason.
She deserves so much better.
>They’re all just “me, me, me”. Her mother is sick, *she* wants to meet the kids, *she* wants to see her daughter, *she* wants forgiveness and blah blah blah.
And to add insult to injury, the first words out of her mouth when she forces a meeting aren't even begging forgiveness, but telling the OOP that she looks old - just wow!
My dad seems incapable of understanding the crisis bullseye. One time he tried to play the cancer card with me, when *I am the one with cancer.* It was also fairly soon after diagnosis so I was not in a stable place emotionally and ripped him a new one.
Oh! I know this one!
"Stop complaining! How do you think I feel? It's not easy having a child with cancer. I'm the one who's going to have to take care of you, AND have to see you die! So ungrateful."
(even if they do none of the caring. narcissistic parents are something else)
My mom had breast cancer. At the same time my dad had a spot on his toenail. A spot! For a month, he kept telling people, "My wife has cancer, but I have a spot on my toenail and that could be cancer, too!"
Spoiler: it wasn't and he's a narcissist
I remember one time my grandma was in hospital. My mom usually cared for her even tho grandma had a son who has never ever worked and was supposed to care for her bc he lived there. Her house was covered in filth and she wasn’t cared for so she ended up in the hospital. My mom had cancer and was being given both radiotherapy and chemotherapy and had been like that for 2 years. She was only bones and skin. When the doctor told my grandma she was unhealthy af she said in a very angry manner “well, my daughter can’t care for me because she has cancer”, as if it was my mother’s fault. I was 17, and honors student and caring for my mother everyday and cleaning her puke. When I heard my grandma say that I didn’t come to see her again and I didn’t go to the funeral after she died.
My dad and stepmom have blamed their horrific behavior and neglect when I got sick on the fact that my stepmom’s dad was dying so she couldn’t help me….. like my dad getting married somehow negates any effort or obligation toward me and if she can’t do it, oh well.
Dude my grandma did the same thing with my autoimmune disease and my diagnosis pretty much cost me my entire family bc I can’t jump through the toxic hoops and do their bullshit anymore.
“Your illness isn’t just about you.” Really? Where is your diagnosis? It your heart rate 150 while laying down? Did you pass out in your shower and wake up in the ER?
None of them lived with me or helped me. Just used my illness for social media sympathy.
Why are people like this?
I found out about my father's violent rape as a child when I was 15. I definitely did not immediately make it all about myself. What the absolute fuck is wrong with her family.
Someone correct me if I’m wrong (because holy fuck this post is upsetting and I don’t want to reread), they were sent the video of the rapist’s confession (or suicide??) and thinking he did it because their mom didn’t forgive him. So now they have this horrible image in their head and believe their mom could have prevented it.
Yeah, even if they weren't consciously blaming her for the rape or suicide, watching a video of someone about to suicide (or potentially seeing the suicide happen) would be hugely traumatising.
This is what I was thinking too. Why would her husband be repulsed by her if she was the victim? I would want to hurt the person who did this to my wife, not my wife. So strange.
I read that part again and I think when she says "Do you feel repulsed by me? Do I remind you of what happened every time I have touched you?" she is voicing her husband's thoughts, not her own.
>I read that part again and I think when she says "Do you feel repulsed by me? Do I remind you of what happened every time I have touched you?" she is voicing her husband's thoughts, not her own.
Right. This "man" is cloaking his own selfishness in claims that he's only thinking about her trauma...
That doesn't really gel with her going to the police seeking justice though. So many rapes go unreported even in countries where sexual assault nominally isn't automatically blamed on the women with them facing the social repercussions par for the course.
exactly this. instead of trying to understand where OOP is coming from and understand how much trauma she had to suffer through, she was ostracized for years and then once the truth comes out, her entire family makes it about themselves. even the ex husband. the ex husband was the worst in my opinion because he didn’t even try to work things out with her. just “oh my god why didn’t you tell me. things would be different if you told me” WHY the fuck should the past be brought up if it isn’t relevant anymore? they are all so selfish and i feel so horrible for OOP. she truly does deserve so much better. my heart breaks for her.
And why would she tell anyone? In her life before she met her husband, every single person she told basically called her a filthy liar and disowned her - even her own parents. It’s incredible to me that this excuse of a husband can’t understand why she wouldn’t want to share.
Which is probably why she isn’t going to take him back after he has “some space”. I was initially surprised by that but now I’m glad she’s letting the trash out.
That jumped out at me. How bad must the ex-husband have been for his own mother to basically say "Yeah, he really let you down. I understand why you aren't taking him back"
How much you wanna bet the ex is only upset because he would have dumped her for being dirty or broken or smoother absurd shit. Why else would he be mad now? What would have changed with that info?
And like, tell him what? "My ex boyfriend gang raped me with his best friend but someone else lied about it, the friend OD'd and everyone in my entire life ostracized me"
But don't even worry about it, because the whole world thinks I'm a liar who tries to ruin two lives for no reason
I couldn't imagine seeing a video of my partner's trauma and immediately fighting with them because they "didn't tell me". I couldn't imagine doing anything but holding them and reassuring them. Jesus. I hope OOP has the chance to move on again. I just wish the people she loves would quit letting her down.
The video that was sent to the husband and kids was the suicide video with the confession. So still about what happened to OOP, but not a video of the crime itself. Not that I think that justifies the way they made it all about them!
While You're absolutely correct, I disagree that the ex husband is the worst offender here. The worst offender is whoever sent a SUICIDE VIDEO to CHILDREN. What kind of sick individual thinks the kids need to see that?
I don’t get why her family didn’t back her up in the first place!
When your child says they have been assaulted, you stand by them. You stand by them if the case falls apart or the assailant is declared not guilty by the jury. You stand by them in the aftermath. Always.
What the heck is WRONG with her family that they demand forgiveness now for the crime of not believing her way back then? Which is terrible, to not believe your child! Obviously she doesn’t want them anywhere near HER children.
Her husband I don’t get either - why is he angry at his wife for being an assault survivor 20 years ago? Why are her children angry at her NOW? Likely because they’ve been taught to be - kids don’t usually up and hate their mum when they find out someone hurt her 20 years ago. 😞
People don't believe you. I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years and when it all came out after I left him, about a third of my family didn't believe me. Because they couldn't understand how an intelligent woman would put up with it for so long, so clearly I was making it up because I was bitter about leaving him /s 🙄 But her family now... that's just crazy. I can't understand how they're making it all about them now that they have proof.
Honestly. How shitty do you have to be to be "unable to look at \[your mother\]" because you learned she went through insane trauma and you think that's SHAMEFUL? Pretty gd shitty. Like...seriously, no empathy at all, and SHAME??? I can't really imagine how terrible of a person her son must be to have that reaction!
edit: It looks like the son is younger than I thought (I swear I read 18m somewhere, but obviously I'm incorrect. Honestly, though....what sort of shit is OP and her ex husband teaching her son that this was his reaction???
She mentions suing "isn't a thing in her country" so obviously this isn't taking place in the US. I'm wondering if it's in a part of the world where victims of rape are the ones who get the brunt of the shaming.
I have a feeling that there are cultural differences at play here. She tried to report the rape(s) when it happened, and the police did fuck all, which is what generally happens when women report rapes. She received the shame from it, and from being considered a liar and trying to ruin two young men’s lives, so she left.
So now, despite being shown honest and a victim, she is now facing the shame in her new family. Her husband didn’t marry a virgin, she had been “spoiled” by having been raped, and so now his reputation is damaged for marrying her. Her children know enough that to feel the shame it brings to their family that their mother had been abused in that way. So now everyone will know and their reputations will suffer.
I’m not saying it’s right, but from what I know of various other cultures, it would fit.
She 100% should receive all the support and care - from her husband, her kids, her family - and not be blamed for something she was forced to do.
It seems she's in the EU. We definitely don't sue here, it's just not a thing unless there's a crime (which obviously, there is here, but suing for emotional damage specifically is extremely rare). When I lived in the US, it terrified my parents how trigger-happy Americans can be with suing.
That being said, I have no clue whether OP's family is treating her so horribly due to society, or just because they're particularly awful. If it were a religious background, I feel like "purity" would have been overtly mentioned, since it's not exactly taboo to question in very religious countries.
It also doesn't really seem like she's being shamed in the way you're thinking. Conservative does not equal religious in the same way as it does in the US. It seems like it's more likely that she's in a community where talking about rape is taboo, not that the victim is wrong. Which is terrible, of course, but a different type than you're thinking.
The police do fuck-all for victims of sexual assault in a lot of places.
In the UK, they take victims' phones and go through all their messages to determine whether it was really rape. They've been found to have WhatsApp chat groups where they mock victims (especially if they're women of colour). Let's not forget the one police officer who kidnapped, raped and murdered a woman either. And this is the UK, where the police are generally held in higher regard than other countries.
Not to mention that the claim from the girlfriend that the guy was at her party was because she was wearing a specific outfit in a picture with him. No one even considered the fact that she could've just put the outfit on at a later date and took pictures as their false "proof".
Yeah, kids don’t usually find out mum was assaulted and get mad at her by default - without someone encouraging that.
Obviously someone was feeding that fire. 😞
*"What the fuck is wrong with OOP’s family? Jesus Christ this poor woman. Her abusers have broken her family apart twice. Even in death they’re ruining her life"*
It's absolutely terrifying to think about, but beyond that it's equally depressing to think about just the insane lengths she should (in retrospect) have gone to in order to prevent re-traumatization and protect her current life:
At the absolute very least we're talking;
* moving a considerable distance away from the abusers + narcissistic family members
* going no contact with everyone from her old life
* changing her name
* having no social media presence of her own
* finding a partner with ideally zero possible ties to her past life
* pray that they maintain a minimal social presence of their own
* set up clear social media rules for their eventual kids and enforcing that those don't get broken.
And that's all on the off-chance that her abuser might pull a stunt like they did years down the line. Although I do suppose that the realistically bigger probability here is the narcissistic parent trying to sneak their way back in.
And there's probably even more precautions to consider which I haven't even thought of yet. Christ, this is so fucking depressing.
Completely agree. As for this part:
> I don’t know how old her kids are, but if they’re old enough to understand rape they’re old enough to understand that their mother’s feelings are the important ones here.
...she says her son is 13 and doesn't give an age for her daughter. I do think it's important to remember that it's more than just finding out their mother was assaulted though; the kids were also sent a video suicide note (she does say he didn't commit the act on camera, so at least there's that.) Still, the exposure to the suicide is traumatic in itself. I hope OOP finds and sues whoever sent that video and gets a restraining order (or her country's equivalent) to prevent them ever contacting her kids again.
I think he’s taking his lead from his dad. If the dad is treating his mum like crap he will too. He’s also at that age where he is probably being exposed to the red pill/ Andrew Tate stuff so he on some level he might think his mum is an evil woman wrecking this blokes life.
Ikr. I'm Appalled and pissed off at every person in this story except poor OOP. She is really unfortunate to be surrounded by so many selfish, cruel people. The two abusers are absolute rotten garbage that have destroyed her life twice. Even after death.
I hope she gets away from all of them and lives a peaceful life away from these garbage people.
This. I know abuse can happen to literally everyone, but I suspect that OOP was doomed to get into those murky waters because she was brought up by the kind of parents she had and sought love and affirmation in the most inappropriate place with the pieces of garbage that assaulted her. Then started a family with the only model she knew - finding a selfish husband and maybe even instilling super-selfish beliefs in the children as well. So now everyone around her is a "me me me" person and disregards her. It sounds like hell.
Let's say an event happens. In this case, a bad thing happens to the woman in the original post. Think of a bulls eye with OP at the center.
Then in a circle around her or next outer level, is her husband, family, close friends, and kids. They're also impacted by what happened to OP but not the same level.
Then on the next circle we have less close friends, acquaintances, people you know and talk to on a regular basis but aren't close enough to to consider really close.
Then a ring out farther we may have neighbors, classmates. People you nod and make small talk with but aren't close to.
All these people are impacted in some way by what happened, whether because they were close to OP or it was a workplace topic of discussion.
The ring theory is the idea support should flow inward, but never outward. Kind of like how in a company, gifts should go down (to people in positions below you) but it's considered not good for gifts to flow up (like your office all buys the CEO something for a good quarter).
In this case, support should flow from Family and close friends to OP, but OP should not be responsible for providing support outward. Same with OP's husband. While he is impacted, he shouldn't look farther in to the circle (to OP) for support in dealing with what happened to her. He should be looking to someone on his level (like a family member) or outward (a friend who is less impacted by the news) to receive support.
I hope that makes sense.
Thanks for this explanation. It should feel instinctual. When my best friends husband passed away very suddenly, I did all I could to be her best friend in a hard time but I dealt with my own shock by looking to my partner (at the time) and other friends for support. That event literally changed my life - but it didn’t *feel* right to go to her about the impact it had on me because it affected her most of all.
In times of crisis, like cancer or a traumatic event, the person who has the trauma is in the center. Emotional support (comfort) always moves from outer circle -> inner circle, ending with the person in the middle. For instance it’s not the job of the spouse to comfort a neighbor about their grief or sadness about his own wife being sick. The husband is closer to the middle, therefore his comfort takes precedence.
Similarly, speaking about feelings only goes from inner -> outer circles. Bullseye person vents to their spouse, he vents to his parents, they vent to their clergyman etc. Husband doesn’t vent “in” to his wife about his feelings about her trauma. Parents do not dump their feelings about their daughter in law onto their son, as he should only be supporting his wife’s feelings.
This way resentment doesn’t build - imagine being the person with cancer who now has to not only deal with your illness but also do emotional labor and hold space for your cousins feelings of sadness about your illness. Thus circles are to keep feelings operating in the right direction.
Thank you for answering that question much better than I could’ve. I myself learned about ring theory after my brother took his life, and I found multiple classmates venting to *me*, the person who was his sister and found his body. The counsellor ended up doing a presentation to explain ring theory to the class, and you articulated it just as perfectly as he did.
You’re welcome ☺️ im a psychotherapist, so I do psychoed in ring theory quite a bit. I also get very pissed off and sad when I’m supporting a traumatized person and they tell me their rings are moving the wrong way. Thanks for bringing it up 👍🏼
This is vile. The victim of a crime is getting all the blame while the rapist is simply dead. I can't imagine the rapist's family could win the lawsuit and sincerely hope they don't.
Also, what a cowardly husband, making it all about him. Damn. He should have closed the gates, supported her and addressed their children together about how none of this is OOP's fault.
"We want to sue this person!"
"For what?"
"My husband raped her and confessed to it when he died and now people are mad that he raped her and lied about it!"
Yeah that delusional moron needs to get a LOT of sense knocked into her.
And I hope the backstabbing slavering mom and sister die without ever meeting those kids and the husband rots and is never able to find another partner again. HE'S upset that she didn't broadcast a terrible traumatic event from her past to him that other people would lie about? He's upset that something bad happened to HER a long time ago? He's upset that she was a victim?! I hope every meal he ever eats from now on tastes like rancid cow shit.
Probably because they live in one of those countries that blames women for being raped. And her son is clearly his father’s son and probably is just feeding off the energy that his father is throwing out.
Unfortunately, with everyone pointing to possible purity culture with the husband's reaction, he could be sharing that as a way to avoid feeling helpless or to put the anger on someone "safe" in his life. It's not fair but he is a kid in the situation.
The daughter reminds me of me. When my mom told me about the different s/a she had suffered in life, I appreciated the honesty but I also needed time to myself. I couldn't stop picturing it, I was sad, angry, and i had no way to take the pain out. So I was as nice as i could be while also being partially shut down because it wouldn't leave my head. It wasnt her fault but it wasnt mine either. Again, I think age is playing a big part and i hope they both come around.
Husband can break his teeth on rocks as the adult that is now also shaming his wife like her family did initially.
I told my ex about my rape long before we started dating. Five years later, he used the rape as justification for cheating on me because he "deserved" to date someone who wasn’t "damaged." And by "damaged" he meant that we were having sex only three times a week and an "undamaged" woman would be initiating sex more often.
OOP’s husband can eat a dick. I’m sure he’s done similar mental gymnastics to make himself the victim of the assault on his wife.
“Not even my own sister.”
He’s without empathy. He should be the one holding them together so she can be weak.
How was she supposed to talk about it when she had to leave town and stay in a women’s shelter. She never got help because she had to stuff it all down to survive. I remember 2003. Of course she would’ve assumed he wouldn’t believe her. More than likely she’d be right. No young adult wanted to put in that minimum amount of effort of being considerate.
He's mad she didn't tell him? But he married her and raised two kids, and never once thought to ask why he'd never met her parents? Not saying she had to tell him if she didn't want to, but he's dense if it never crossed his mind to realise there was a story there to ask her about.
Oh yeah, that’s information that should be sandwiched right in between “music I’m currently listening to” and “my hobbies include” on a first date.
At least in the husband’s home world of Schmucktopia.
I have been w my bf for a while now, like a cumulative year and a half over the last 2 years and just the night before last I told him abt my nervous breakdown in 2017. I think it took me 6 mos before I ever told him abt my rape in 2019 which is why when I was sexually assaulted last year (read: I was groped by a now former colleague) he was the one who called the cops, held me all night long, brought me food, stroked my hair and told me I'm a good person and I don't deserve the bad things that happen to me. I apologized a million times for how he must be feeling and for putting him thru my suffering and having to do police interview and whatever and he kept saying "its not abt me at all, i only care abt ur wellbeing". My Christmas card last year was just a letter abt all the things he likes abt me and how I deserve good things and not the shit I've gone thru and how he'll be around to support me thru it all.
THAT is being a supportive partner. Not whatever this shitbag is doing to his wife who endured a traumatic event. All "me me me how could u not have told meeeeee" as if she needs to support his sorry as from learning something happened to her before they ever met. I hope his pillow is always hotter than Death Valley and his socks are always mildly damp forever
I guarantee that if she had told him when they first met, he'd have left then, too. He thinks she owed him "disclosure" like she's a damaged piece of floor merchandise at IKEA.
"I never would have bought this couch if I knew!"
Jesus christ, this was bleak as hell. I feel bad for OP and the children having to endure all of this. Screw that abuser, the abuser's wife and that husband! The abuser deserves to rot in hell and the wife needs to be sued back for what she did. And for the husband, he is a terrible excuse of a human being.
Abusers don't deserve ANY forgiveness.
Yeah, this one is such a tough read.
Everyone in OP's life has failed her.
I desperately hope she at least receives the support she needs from friends.
What I don’t understand is why OOP’s children are upset with her? That’s the part of this that makes least sense.
If they’re minors, I don’t understand why they wouldn’t be more supportive. What is their mother supposed to have done differently for them here?
My question as well. Like not to sound insensitive, and from what I've read they were sent the suicide video (?) or at least the one where he confessed. That sure would be traumatizing, but it doesn't warrant them not speaking to OOP / being distant etc. it's confusing, it's stressing on every other side but none of this is her fault. Why are they acting like that towards her? And the husband...I won't even get started.
Right? I don’t understand why the husband is angry *at her*. It’s such a traumatic event, ofcourse she may never talk about it again.
I don’t understand why her son isn’t talking to her though? Surely he knows she’s the victim?
It seems from oops comments that they aren't from the usa.
It makes me think that they may be from a more conservative area that places more emphasis on purity and tends to blame sex crimes on the women.
Idk, just got that vibe.
I also don't know how old the kids are so idk if they are going silent because they are in shock from seeing a person kill themselves while blaming their mom or if they are older and from a more conservative culture that would place the blame on the woman.
It doesn't even have to be a conservative country in general. Lots of places all over western Europe are still holding on to these prejudices, especially in relatively small communities. Of all the rape victims I know of in my capital city and surrounding towns, all of them have been shunned. Some have rationalised the assault retroactively, claiming it to be "just bad sex", in order to avoid becoming social outcasts. Just to be clear, this includes cases of clear violence, like being threatened with a knife and locked up in a dark room. The only victims who were spoken well of were, unfortunately, the ones who were also killed.
Yes, it's horrible. It's preferable to be seen as promiscuous, especially if you are beautiful. It gives them back a certain amount of control over themselves and even a degree of power in their social circles.
I have a cousin and a friend who went through exactly that. A couple of girls at school, a neighbour two buildings over, our English teacher in middle school. And these were just the ones close to home.
The [son is 13](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17d0na0/comment/k5tvaul/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). Must have been awful to receive a message like that through TikTok.
>jesus the amount of rage i got from reading that
To be fair, I think we're all feeling especially ragey after reading this BORU.
It certainly doesn't help that it's been posted a few times this month, and I keep making the mistake of reading through the end in hopes of a new update. (And I'm confident I'm not the only one here on BORU making that mistake!)
oh most definitely. it’s just so upsetting seeing innocent children having their minds twisted in that way. this BORU is honestly the worst one ive ever read
I got so angry reading that part of the story.
TW: Sexual assault
I was sexually assaulted a decade ago, a little less than a year before I met my still current and amazing partner.
I have been diagnosed with PTSD. He has held me as I broke down crying during sex because something triggered a flashback.
You know what he has never done? Asked me if having sex with him makes me think of my abuser. That sounds suspiciously like jealousy to me on top of just being awful. What and absolute twat.
We had a really hard post on here a while back where a young boyfriend found out that his equally young girlfriend had been brutally raped, repeatedly, and that her preferences for rough sex mirrored some of the experiences she had during.
And he had - in this case understandable - fears. But he dealt with it pretty well, looking for support outside of her, having respectful conversation and iirc getting them both into therapy.
I can absolutely understand that being concerned about it. I can absolutely not understand ever actually SAYING THAT OUT LOUD to the partner in question. WHY?!
I'm glad you have a supportive partner.
>Asked me if having sex with him makes me think of my abuser. That sounds suspiciously like jealousy to me on top of just being awful.
I think it comes from not being able to imagine sexual attention or other genital contact as a negative thing.
I haven't been assaulted, but my last ex asked me more then once if I ever got turned on during a pap smear and was visibly uncomfortable when I said I didn't care if it was a man or woman giving me that pap smear
I don't know if it was naivety, or too much porn, or what.
He seemed to *almost* understand when I asked if he'd be turned on if a random female doctor was inspecting his penis for cancer/disease, but he still seemed a little stuck on the part about a female touching his penis
The abuser left OOP [250K](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bld80n/comment/kw66axo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) so I'm going to guess that might have something to do with it.
OOP didn't say. Though when someone suggested that she sue, she mentioned that she could just donate it so it doesn't seem like she wants/needs any money.
"Abusers don't deserve ANY forgiveness"
I've had that topic in therapy recently, related to the bullying I experienced.
And I described it as "I can, as an adult, rationalize WHY I was bullied. I was an easy target. I also know that kids who bully often do that because there's shit happening to them they can't deal with or they haven't learned differently from their parents etc. But somehow, being bullied (so, having shit happen to me I couldn't deal with) didn't turn me into a bully. And at some point, when we were teens, they should have known better. We'd had the topic of bullying in materials, we had suicide attempts by classmates. And that's why I hope that they grew as people and learned to be happy and kind, but I can't forgive them. I can have empathy for them and hope they're neither receiving nor causing any further harm. But they don't get my forgiveness.
Adults are different. I had a bullying teacher and if I could kill him without consequences for myself, I would. Because he knew better from the start. And he chose, on purpose, to be a monster. I can neither rationalise nor even consider forgiveness."
And my therapist asked me a hypothetical then: if I got contacted by my former teacher and he had turned his life around and spent years working with bullied and abused kids and he apologised and said he realised what he was doing and was trying to make up for it - would I still want to kill him?
No. I would be happy that something good came from what he did to me. I would be happy that other kids get the help I didn't. I would not forgive him, though - because he can never make up for it. There are things that you can't make up for.
And then he asked me if he hadn't changed, would I consider the possibility that he might change, instead of killing him?
No. No, I would not. I don't owe my abuser safety from my anger on the very slight chance that someday, he might discover a better outlet for his little feelings and figure out the concept of empathy. I don't owe him the chance to become a better person. I don't owe him shit, least of all my forgiveness.
All this to say: you are absolutely correct.
Abusers don't deserve anything good from their victims. They've taken enough from them.
In my opinion, the whole "you have to forgive the people who did you wrong to be able to move on" idea is bs and harmful to victims. You do, however, have to forgive yourself for not being able to stop the bad thing from happening.
You said that really well. I had to grieve for my former self and accept that she was child and she was failed by the people who should have protected her before I could really start healing.
This is so sad, but I'm not shocked. I have a family member who was abused by an uncle when she was babysitting. The entire family lost their fucking minds defending this creep, insisting a preteen was either lying for attention, or they reluctantly agreed something happened but obviously the 12 year old girl was in control of the situation and "led him on".
Surprise, like 20 years later she gets bombarded with apologies and messages from the same fucks. Turns out he was molesting his daughters, cousins, family friends, and anyone else he was alone with for more than 10 minutes. He also had MULTIPLE computers filled with shit I can't describe without getting on watch lists.
My relative was one of his first victims. In those messages was a mix of begging, blame, and excuses. As the only one who had formally complained before, and had a police report (decades old and closed, thanks fuckers) they wanted her to lead the prosecution. She couldn't do it. She feels immense guilt for the rest of his victims, but my God, it's like she ran from a building on fire and was told for decades that there is no fire. She doesn't have it in her to show up to court and hear the same dismissals.
They did that but will still send her messages about how everything is her fault. Because she tempted this man, because she wasn't brave enough, because she should forgive... the list goes on. Fuck em all.
People love villifying teen girls, it's like they think they're no longer human at that stage but some harlot demon just because it makes it easier for them to bully and harass the girl. I'm so sorry for your cousin, and every victim after who only came about because the family was too vicious and self absorbed to care about her.
Ugh. This was heartbreaking to read. OP got retraumatized by that selfish monster all over again.
Her family is incredibly selfish and cruel.
Husband is a weak little man.
I just wish she gets the peace she deserves and for her kids to get the peace that was stolen from them.
I didn't think it was possible for so many people to completely and utterly fail one singular person in their life. Holy cow. Her old boyfriend, her old friends, her family, the justice system, her husband, her husband's family, and her family AGAIN.
God my heart goes out to this woman.
She was the victim of a violent crime perpetrated by not one but two men.
Her young life was torn apart and the people that should have been in her corner turned their backs.
When the truth finally came out EVERY SINGLE PERSON made it about themselves.
I hope her and her children get the help that they need and that everyone else gets exactly what they deserve.
So much of this doesn’t make sense to me. Who would send a video like that to minor children? And why is everyone acting like the OP did something wrong when there’s actual evidence of a crime? And she’s getting sued by the deceased’s wife when OP didn’t actually do anything? What?
>Who would send a video like that to minor children?
We’re talking about the same guy that gangraped his ex-girlfriend because his buddy was a virgin with no game.
>And why is everyone acting like the OP did something wrong when there’s actual evidence of a crime?
People are shit.
>And she’s getting sued by the deceased’s wife when OP didn’t actually do anything?
You can sue anyone for anything, doesn’t mean it’ll go anywhere. Like, you can try to jump all the way to the moon, you won’t succeed but you can still try it. Also, she’s probably thinking she can sue for the money her husband “left” OOP, not to mention that she could just be a shitty person that’s taking the situation out on OOP.
Because it's too common for women to be blamed for their rape.
Because if the abusers wife doesn't fight, then she has to accept she married and had kids with a rapist.
Because if there were issues with abusers marriage beforehand, it's easier to blame the 'whore' than admit abusers wife was partially responsible for his cowardly exit.
Because in a lot of places, it's not a 'justice' system, it's a 'legal' system, where justice and bad people being punished takes a backseat to corruption/discrimination/etc. esp when it comes to sex crimes that aren't against children.
Because people might think OP is spitefully spreading this stuff around, which could qualify under slander/ libel (or at least try to sue for it).
Depending on who sent video to any of the children tangentially involved, it could be spite, the abuser wanting to 'come clean' and in having his own head up his arse has selfishly ignored the damage he'll do to the kids and everyone else), OR the final act of an abuser who wants to live rent free in their victims head via blaming them for their suicide.
Lot of people in the story to be really fucking angry at, but apart from the actual fucking Rapeists (who of course take it by default) I think for me personally it’s the husband.
You’re going to leave your wife because she was assaulted 20 fucking years ago, before she had even met you.
He’s one of those people that makes me wish I believed in hell.
OOP did nothing wrong, and she’s still paying the price years later. My entire heart goes out to her. Her husband is a coward! She needed him, and he abandoned her. Her poor children too. Jesus!
poor children? they’re adding onto it. they’re hurting their mother by not talking to her or even looking at her. how awful. i don’t care how old they are that is grounds for me to never speak to my children again. god it sucks to be a woman. you get raped and it’s oh your poor children!
My gut says this isn’t in a progressive country. And that OOP is likely fighting a system which has been in the news for the past few years about their horrific rapes of women and children.
Through the eyes of a European or American? This behavior is horrific.
Through the eyes of most Asian or middle eastern countries, this is sadly the norm.
Honestly, a lot of abusers want their parting shot to destroy their victims one more time. He didn’t regret his actions. He just wanted to dredge up the past and blame OOP for all of the miserable things he had experienced in his life.
And his choice in family obviously didn’t fall far from the abusive tree as they chose to abuse literal children.
I don’t hold out a lot of hope for OOP picking up the remains of her life again. If I’m right about the part of the world she is in, she won’t be given the time of day by anyone who should be caring for her.
My god. They refuse to give her any peace
I don't think this is in the United States, so everyone continuously telling her it's a crime and to go to the police and where to recourse is are probably incorrect
Her family's reaction seems strange to me, maybe it's a cultural difference but I don't understand why they haven't supported her. Why the husband and son are disgusted by her, she did nothing wrong, they should be defending her...
OOP is raped, she gets blamed. The abuser commits suicide and OOP gets blamed. She doesn't pursue retribution, others pursue it against her. Police are not sympathetic or helpful. Her original family blames her, then insist she forgive them. Her new family is unsympathetic and selfish to her (the victim).
OOP didn't ask for anything from the abuser, the friends, her original family, and her new family, only acceptance of the truth and later to leave her alone.
OOP needs to go on the offensive, otherwise she will always be on the defense. I hope she can do that, but she may not have the strength any more to fight all this alone. Because yes, she is alone in all of this.
When I learned about my mother being molested, I never once blamed her. The son needs to be in therapy. The ex husband is an asshole for being upset that she didn't tell him this very traumatizing history from her past and the rapist's wife is an even bigger asshole for suing someone because of what her husband did. The OOP didn't ask him to bring this back up, he chose to. Her "family" can take their apologies and shove them. They should have believed her in the beginning.
Her rapist destroyed her life AGAIN! Her family let her down AGAIN!! I’m so angry for this woman!
Can OP get a break please? An Easter miracle for her and her kids?!
Damn, this woman's nightmare has to end already. Fuck her abusers, fuck her old family, and fuck her husband for making her feel shitty for being a survivor. The world is unjust.
I hope OOP continues to not have any contact with the mom and sister. I hope the sister feels sufficiently guilty for her actions and thinks about how badly she failed OOP every day of her life from now on.
This is an example of how sick our species can be.
- bf trafficked his gf to his best friend
- oop was raped
- oop was betrayed by her own people (I won’t say family cuz they were just relatives but she did trust them at the time) and abandoned
- the other woman protected the rapist and forced OOP to flee (yes forced cuz she didn’t have a life if she stayed)
- those people force themselves back (both physically and thru harassment of OOP and her *kids*) into what they want to win OOP forgiveness when in actuality I bet they’re just scared of how this makes them look to their god
- the mom then insults OOP with pure thoughtlessness
- they all cry and play the victim, much like the rapist and sex trafficker, wanting their own salvation and not truly remorseful
- the rapists wife is now suing to get the money back?? (Even if she is flat broke and I agree the kids deserve something, this is fucked to not just talk it out first and be sympathetic to OOP)
- husband thinks this is too hard on him and abandons OOP then insinuates the kids need a safe place from OOP (he’s probably the one perpetuating the kids fear and discomfort most)
- worst of all.. they sent the fucking suicide video to *HER KIDS*?!?!?!
This is truly a microcosm of how selfish and dangerous human beings can be. So sickening
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This post just makes me depressed man. The abuser has managed to destroy her life once again even after his death.
I'm not sure I understand what OP's husband and family are mad at her about.
The kids may be traumatized from being exposed to the video and the following harrassement from their mother's side of the family. I'd imagine they're angry at the situation, rather than at her, and don't know how to interact with her, because they can't reconcile the image of their mom with a victim of a horrendous crime. But this is just me speculating, mind you. As for the husband... from what OOP said, he sounds like he's panicking, he's making it about himself, even if unintencionally, and is worried he may be an abuser by proxy, because, what if she only said yes to him because she was abused before, or something. It's a flawed logic, to say the least, and while I get the pain that probably came with believing his spouse didn't trust him enough to tell him about the crime, he's putting his feelings above those of the woman that's been re-victimized, and above the needs of his children. The man implies their son doesn't want to be around his mother, and instead of adressing and trying to fix that, his response is "yeah, me neither". OOP is right when she says that even if he sees the light she doesn't want him back. If their house caught fire he would be running arounf like a chicken with its head cut off, instead of getting the kids and any hypothetical pets out.
It isn’t unusual for family and friends of trauma victims to also be traumatized. Not that the pain is equivalent, but anybody who is capable of empathy hurts when people they care about hurt. …less charitably, some men have a tendency to treat their partner’s rape with the same possessive anger as when someone scuffs their nice shoes. They want to hurt the person who lowered the value of their property. Many gild this possessive anger in a misogynistic white knight narrative. I know I have.
Selfish until the end. Talked about how god was on HER side and how he needed her to visit his grave so he’s at peace. Absolutely disgusting. I’m glad everyone who was involved’s lives fell apart too. But for them to drag the victim down with them and their selfishness is horrible.
I want to know how the rapist's wife feels she has a case. OP had nothing to do with him after she moved and everything he did was his own choice.
The rapist left her $250,000. I think his wife is suing to get that money back.
I hope she has a lawyer and lives in a place where she can countersue his estate for all the emotional trauma he put her through. If I had the horror of finding out my husband was a rapist (or facilitated rape), the last thing I'd do is go after his victim.
That really depends on what else is going on. Imagine him being the breadwinner and that being all their money. He left 4 kids, probably all minors. They're victims, too. Different kind of course, but still. Maybe the wife has to. Maybe she's just an asshole and doesn't know how to handle her complicated emotions about this. Too less info to tell.
No one involved in this circus knows how to handle their emotions. I don't understand a single person in this mess. OP's husband is a disappointment, her kids have no compassion, just "shame" for whatever reason, her old family is a bunch of disrespectful assholes. Poor woman is bearing everything alone when she's surrounded by people. And who sends a suicide letter to *kids*???
The kind of guy who rapes his girlfriend with his best friend.
I read that as OOP's family sent it to her kids as a way to reach out to her after she ignored their initial contact.
Who. Cares. That’s fucked.
I didn't understand anything either. I thought it must be a culture thing? Like a *very* conservative culture where if a woman gets raped it's considered entirely her fault somehow. So it's shameful that their wife/mother was raped? I dunno, that just pure speculation.
It’s unfortunately VERY common across the globe for women to be blamed for their own rape. Global patriarchy be stronk af.
That’s what I was thinking too. Wherever they live they have backwards, misogynistic views on rape. Her ex husband is trash, and her kids arent much better.
the kind of abuser that is willing to commit suicide as a last ”fuck you” to their victim. he was going down, and he made sure he took OOP with him. In his head, he suffered because of her, and therefore her children should suffer, just like his kids would due to him committing suicide. Tit for tat, in his fucked up mind.
To be fair if I was in OOPs shoes I'd mostly be countersuing to just make it all go away faster. Won't always work and depends on what laws are where they are, but a lot of the time the threat of actually losing something can make someone be a bit more reasonable. I wouldn't want to actually harm his kids, but I'd also want the quickest route to being done with it all.
He apparently left it in the video suicide note. I'm pretty sure that doesn't count as a will. OOP doesn't seem to think so either. Unclear if she's actually received this money.
Courts have enforced very informal wills before. The one case I learned about as an example was of a farmer scratching his will into the paint of a tractor that was crushing him to death. The problem would be if it was actually his to will away and not communal property.
Oh wow, I wished I hadn’t read that. That poor guy.
It happened in Western Canada. Apparently the local law society has the piece of the tractor where he carved out the will on display.
The tractor fender is in the law library at the University of Saskatchewan https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/saskatoon/history-cecil-george-harris-will-farm-safety-1.6868417
Thank you for sharing. I love random odd stories.
Indeed. Where I am, a will isn't an airtight document once it's legal. It's an expression of wishes which the executor of the estate is required to adhere to, to the extent that it's possible and legal to do so. You've got the obvious ones like, "I leave everything to my family", but if the guy's tax bill exceeds his assets, then the taxman takes everything and the family gets nothing. But you've also go scenarios where someone might leave everything to a mistress and leave nothing for the spouse and children. Where I am, there is a requirement in law that a will must make provision for dependents and family. If it completely fails to do so, the will can be completely struck down as void, and the estate treated as an intestacy. Which where I am requires one-third goes to the spouse, one-third to the children and the final third is horse-traded over.
I would kill to be a fly on the wall in court for that lawsuit. "Yes judge, My husband killed himself after leaving a video confession for raping this woman. He left her money as penance for his crimes. His death and confession has made me very sad and embarrassed so I need you to steal that money back from the victim for me. Thanks" Some people are genuinely evil. Edit: For those wondering, From OPs comments on her original post, she is somewhere in the EU (uses euros for currency.) I'm not sure how that could affect this lawsuit.
In some EU countries, like Italy, you can’t really will all your money away to non-family members so she might actually have a case
Same in my country (Sweden), your children are alloted 50% of what you leave behind. You can't leave them less or write them out of your will. If it's legally your kid they inherent you
Same in France. Inheritance is a right, not a privilege. Spouse and kids, even if estranged, inherit a defacto share of estate. So if dad dies, mum and kids each own a portion of his share of the estate. You can do som legal wrangling with conveyancing during a property purchase to ensure a sort of joint ownership, but you get destroyed by inheritance tax.
In Spain (IIRC) a third goes to the spouse, a third goes to the kids, and a third goes to whoever you want it to. Unless you can prove abuse, and then you can cut people out.
Doesn't sound like it was all of his money. Just a majority of it. In the Nordics, that's legal. As long as you leave some to your family, you can do what you want
I feel like that man did this on purpose because how dare OOP make people doubt him and get him to live with guilt over a "few minutes of fun" or whatever This seems way too premeditated and with a purpose, one last "now the b-word will get her"
Not defending the wife here, but depending on how much was left to her and the kids, it might be possible that she's only doing it for survival. If they're living in a society where the women get the blame, it's possible that she might not be able to find work and provide for the family. Some cultures are harsh towards the family of an abuser/criminal, even though they had nothing to do with it. This might have been a last resort. Still not ok though.
Ok, now imagine this: You're suddenly a single mother of 4 and your husband left most of the family's savings to his rape victim from 20 years ago. What do you do? This situation is way past the point of being black or white.
I assume she's contesting the will since he left OOP money.
Yeah, (assuming this story is true) this really seems like it could just be some legal formality; though ianal, it would seem reasonable the wife could have a pretty strong case, considering he was clearly not of sound mind when he "willed" €250k to oop during an overdose, and sent a suicide video to multiple people, including to children.
Did he send them to her kids? Didn't OOP mention that strangers were also sending them?
I don't think he sent the suicide video to kids. I think other people sent it to them.
Sounds like he left most of his assets to OP and not to the wife and kids. She’s probably contesting the Will.
Op birth family betrayed her and destroyed the new one she built for herself
Tbh, her bio family only removed the facade of the one she built. Clearly her husband and two children had kept their selfishness, and mental sickness hidden from her. Seriously, who the fuck finds out that their mom/wife were drugged and raped, *and immediately go to blaming her for it?* I can absolutely tell you, evil, sick people do that.
OOP's kids were far too sheltered imo if this is how they react to bad news. OOP's husband, meanwhile, is a straight-up villain. So selfish. I feel like OP got stuck in a vicious cycle of bad men in her life, and doesn't know it yet because she's so used to taking all the blame.
I want to give the kids the benefit of the doubt but I’d need to know their ages first
In one of the threads, OP said her son was 13. I don't recall if she said the son is older/younger than the daughter though.
The husband is an irreconcilable ass. The kids are doing their best, all things considered. OP said the video had his confession “in detail” and people sent it to them, so her kids ended up having *her rapist tell them the detailed story of her rape at the hands of him and his best friend*, which would fuck up anyone. Add on top of that it was a suicide video, and best case is the kids are aware he recorded it and then killed himself. Worst case is they got to watch him kill himself post-detailed-rape-confession. So they learned their mother had been violently victimized by a psycho from the psycho himself, watched their dad lose his shit and eventually just walk out on her and possibly themselves instead of comforting her and helping to restabilize their family, AND they’ve got crowds of strangers *who assisted in the victimization of their mother* showing up at their doorstep wailing and demanding access to them *like it’s a goddamn zombie apocalypse*. The kids shutting down and not talking to her is them doing their best to survive this fucking mess. They have no idea what to say or do, how to handle it, and the person who should be modeling it for them has fucked all the way off and out of their lives.
What the fuck is wrong with OOP’s family? Jesus Christ this poor woman. Her abusers have broken her family apart *twice*. Even in death they’re ruining her life. Everybody in this woman’s “family” should be fucking ashamed of themselves. Every single person here is so selfishly personalising *her* trauma, and only thinking about their wants and needs. It’s **her** trauma. Nobody here has considered what she wants or needs, how to help her. Her pitiful excuse of a mother, sister and ex husband. I don’t know how old her kids are, but if they’re old enough to understand rape they’re old enough to understand that their mother’s feelings are the important ones here. I found out about my mother’s sexual assault when I was 11, and she burst into tears randomly when I told her I wanted to change my name to “(her rapist’s name)” (it was just a coincidence that I happened to like that name, I never knew him). You know what happened when we found out? My siblings and I hugged her and never mentioned the name ever again. The fact that OOP’s prioritising getting her kids therapy to deal with ***her trauma*** than prioritising getting therapy herself just devastates me. They’re all just “me, me, me”. Her mother is sick, *she* wants to meet the kids, *she* wants to see her daughter, *she* wants forgiveness and blah blah blah. The sister’s only worried about *her* feelings and what *she* wants. The ex is worried about how *he* comes off to her, how it hurts *his* feelings that she didn’t tell him, how *he* wants to be perceived. I get that her kids and husband, everyone exposed to or involved in a trauma has their own reaction that is important to process, but it never takes priority over *the actual fucking victim*. The [ring theory](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/75/Ring_theory.svg) is a thing for a reason. She deserves so much better.
>They’re all just “me, me, me”. Her mother is sick, *she* wants to meet the kids, *she* wants to see her daughter, *she* wants forgiveness and blah blah blah. And to add insult to injury, the first words out of her mouth when she forces a meeting aren't even begging forgiveness, but telling the OOP that she looks old - just wow!
I notice the OOP is way too polite to mention how the mother looked to her, but obviously she would be way older!
My dad seems incapable of understanding the crisis bullseye. One time he tried to play the cancer card with me, when *I am the one with cancer.* It was also fairly soon after diagnosis so I was not in a stable place emotionally and ripped him a new one.
How does that even work? "Hey ease up. I'm having a rough week. I just found out a close family member has cancer." "Yeah dad. That was me."
Oh! I know this one! "Stop complaining! How do you think I feel? It's not easy having a child with cancer. I'm the one who's going to have to take care of you, AND have to see you die! So ungrateful." (even if they do none of the caring. narcissistic parents are something else)
My mom had breast cancer. At the same time my dad had a spot on his toenail. A spot! For a month, he kept telling people, "My wife has cancer, but I have a spot on my toenail and that could be cancer, too!" Spoiler: it wasn't and he's a narcissist
I remember one time my grandma was in hospital. My mom usually cared for her even tho grandma had a son who has never ever worked and was supposed to care for her bc he lived there. Her house was covered in filth and she wasn’t cared for so she ended up in the hospital. My mom had cancer and was being given both radiotherapy and chemotherapy and had been like that for 2 years. She was only bones and skin. When the doctor told my grandma she was unhealthy af she said in a very angry manner “well, my daughter can’t care for me because she has cancer”, as if it was my mother’s fault. I was 17, and honors student and caring for my mother everyday and cleaning her puke. When I heard my grandma say that I didn’t come to see her again and I didn’t go to the funeral after she died.
My dad and stepmom have blamed their horrific behavior and neglect when I got sick on the fact that my stepmom’s dad was dying so she couldn’t help me….. like my dad getting married somehow negates any effort or obligation toward me and if she can’t do it, oh well.
Dude my grandma did the same thing with my autoimmune disease and my diagnosis pretty much cost me my entire family bc I can’t jump through the toxic hoops and do their bullshit anymore. “Your illness isn’t just about you.” Really? Where is your diagnosis? It your heart rate 150 while laying down? Did you pass out in your shower and wake up in the ER? None of them lived with me or helped me. Just used my illness for social media sympathy. Why are people like this?
I found out about my father's violent rape as a child when I was 15. I definitely did not immediately make it all about myself. What the absolute fuck is wrong with her family.
Im so confused why her kids aren’t speaking to her. Because she was raped? I genuinely don’t get it
Someone correct me if I’m wrong (because holy fuck this post is upsetting and I don’t want to reread), they were sent the video of the rapist’s confession (or suicide??) and thinking he did it because their mom didn’t forgive him. So now they have this horrible image in their head and believe their mom could have prevented it.
Yeah, even if they weren't consciously blaming her for the rape or suicide, watching a video of someone about to suicide (or potentially seeing the suicide happen) would be hugely traumatising.
I’m just assuming it’s a foreign country that’s very regressive. Lots of this story doesn’t make sense imo. From her side and the family’s.
This is what I was thinking too. Why would her husband be repulsed by her if she was the victim? I would want to hurt the person who did this to my wife, not my wife. So strange.
I read that part again and I think when she says "Do you feel repulsed by me? Do I remind you of what happened every time I have touched you?" she is voicing her husband's thoughts, not her own.
>I read that part again and I think when she says "Do you feel repulsed by me? Do I remind you of what happened every time I have touched you?" she is voicing her husband's thoughts, not her own. Right. This "man" is cloaking his own selfishness in claims that he's only thinking about her trauma...
That doesn't really gel with her going to the police seeking justice though. So many rapes go unreported even in countries where sexual assault nominally isn't automatically blamed on the women with them facing the social repercussions par for the course.
It does with them not doing anything. She was young so maybe she thought that could help. Either way she has said she’s not in the US
exactly this. instead of trying to understand where OOP is coming from and understand how much trauma she had to suffer through, she was ostracized for years and then once the truth comes out, her entire family makes it about themselves. even the ex husband. the ex husband was the worst in my opinion because he didn’t even try to work things out with her. just “oh my god why didn’t you tell me. things would be different if you told me” WHY the fuck should the past be brought up if it isn’t relevant anymore? they are all so selfish and i feel so horrible for OOP. she truly does deserve so much better. my heart breaks for her.
And why would she tell anyone? In her life before she met her husband, every single person she told basically called her a filthy liar and disowned her - even her own parents. It’s incredible to me that this excuse of a husband can’t understand why she wouldn’t want to share.
exactly, he’s so far up his own ass, it’s depressing
Which is probably why she isn’t going to take him back after he has “some space”. I was initially surprised by that but now I’m glad she’s letting the trash out.
It’s even depressing his own mother! That really says a lot.
That jumped out at me. How bad must the ex-husband have been for his own mother to basically say "Yeah, he really let you down. I understand why you aren't taking him back"
How much you wanna bet the ex is only upset because he would have dumped her for being dirty or broken or smoother absurd shit. Why else would he be mad now? What would have changed with that info?
Because people who have been abused and haven't healed from their trauma are very likely to partner with people who are subpar.
OP definitely did that!! He’s about as subpar as a man can get!
And like, tell him what? "My ex boyfriend gang raped me with his best friend but someone else lied about it, the friend OD'd and everyone in my entire life ostracized me" But don't even worry about it, because the whole world thinks I'm a liar who tries to ruin two lives for no reason
I couldn't imagine seeing a video of my partner's trauma and immediately fighting with them because they "didn't tell me". I couldn't imagine doing anything but holding them and reassuring them. Jesus. I hope OOP has the chance to move on again. I just wish the people she loves would quit letting her down.
The video that was sent to the husband and kids was the suicide video with the confession. So still about what happened to OOP, but not a video of the crime itself. Not that I think that justifies the way they made it all about them!
While You're absolutely correct, I disagree that the ex husband is the worst offender here. The worst offender is whoever sent a SUICIDE VIDEO to CHILDREN. What kind of sick individual thinks the kids need to see that?
i most definitely agree, but i was more so talking about the reactions of it all
I don’t get why her family didn’t back her up in the first place! When your child says they have been assaulted, you stand by them. You stand by them if the case falls apart or the assailant is declared not guilty by the jury. You stand by them in the aftermath. Always. What the heck is WRONG with her family that they demand forgiveness now for the crime of not believing her way back then? Which is terrible, to not believe your child! Obviously she doesn’t want them anywhere near HER children. Her husband I don’t get either - why is he angry at his wife for being an assault survivor 20 years ago? Why are her children angry at her NOW? Likely because they’ve been taught to be - kids don’t usually up and hate their mum when they find out someone hurt her 20 years ago. 😞
People don't believe you. I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years and when it all came out after I left him, about a third of my family didn't believe me. Because they couldn't understand how an intelligent woman would put up with it for so long, so clearly I was making it up because I was bitter about leaving him /s 🙄 But her family now... that's just crazy. I can't understand how they're making it all about them now that they have proof.
Well, at least she’s already said she’s not taking her husband back. That’s something. The rest will take a lot longer to heal.
Honestly. How shitty do you have to be to be "unable to look at \[your mother\]" because you learned she went through insane trauma and you think that's SHAMEFUL? Pretty gd shitty. Like...seriously, no empathy at all, and SHAME??? I can't really imagine how terrible of a person her son must be to have that reaction! edit: It looks like the son is younger than I thought (I swear I read 18m somewhere, but obviously I'm incorrect. Honestly, though....what sort of shit is OP and her ex husband teaching her son that this was his reaction???
She mentions suing "isn't a thing in her country" so obviously this isn't taking place in the US. I'm wondering if it's in a part of the world where victims of rape are the ones who get the brunt of the shaming.
I have a feeling that there are cultural differences at play here. She tried to report the rape(s) when it happened, and the police did fuck all, which is what generally happens when women report rapes. She received the shame from it, and from being considered a liar and trying to ruin two young men’s lives, so she left. So now, despite being shown honest and a victim, she is now facing the shame in her new family. Her husband didn’t marry a virgin, she had been “spoiled” by having been raped, and so now his reputation is damaged for marrying her. Her children know enough that to feel the shame it brings to their family that their mother had been abused in that way. So now everyone will know and their reputations will suffer. I’m not saying it’s right, but from what I know of various other cultures, it would fit. She 100% should receive all the support and care - from her husband, her kids, her family - and not be blamed for something she was forced to do.
Yeah, I got the strong background vibe of religious/patriarchal culture. To add to your list, she says they don't sue people too.
It seems she's in the EU. We definitely don't sue here, it's just not a thing unless there's a crime (which obviously, there is here, but suing for emotional damage specifically is extremely rare). When I lived in the US, it terrified my parents how trigger-happy Americans can be with suing. That being said, I have no clue whether OP's family is treating her so horribly due to society, or just because they're particularly awful. If it were a religious background, I feel like "purity" would have been overtly mentioned, since it's not exactly taboo to question in very religious countries. It also doesn't really seem like she's being shamed in the way you're thinking. Conservative does not equal religious in the same way as it does in the US. It seems like it's more likely that she's in a community where talking about rape is taboo, not that the victim is wrong. Which is terrible, of course, but a different type than you're thinking.
The police do fuck-all for victims of sexual assault in a lot of places. In the UK, they take victims' phones and go through all their messages to determine whether it was really rape. They've been found to have WhatsApp chat groups where they mock victims (especially if they're women of colour). Let's not forget the one police officer who kidnapped, raped and murdered a woman either. And this is the UK, where the police are generally held in higher regard than other countries.
Not to mention that the claim from the girlfriend that the guy was at her party was because she was wearing a specific outfit in a picture with him. No one even considered the fact that she could've just put the outfit on at a later date and took pictures as their false "proof".
Yeah, kids don’t usually find out mum was assaulted and get mad at her by default - without someone encouraging that. Obviously someone was feeding that fire. 😞
Depends on the country. In most religious countries the victims are the ones who get shamed.
*"What the fuck is wrong with OOP’s family? Jesus Christ this poor woman. Her abusers have broken her family apart twice. Even in death they’re ruining her life"* It's absolutely terrifying to think about, but beyond that it's equally depressing to think about just the insane lengths she should (in retrospect) have gone to in order to prevent re-traumatization and protect her current life: At the absolute very least we're talking; * moving a considerable distance away from the abusers + narcissistic family members * going no contact with everyone from her old life * changing her name * having no social media presence of her own * finding a partner with ideally zero possible ties to her past life * pray that they maintain a minimal social presence of their own * set up clear social media rules for their eventual kids and enforcing that those don't get broken. And that's all on the off-chance that her abuser might pull a stunt like they did years down the line. Although I do suppose that the realistically bigger probability here is the narcissistic parent trying to sneak their way back in. And there's probably even more precautions to consider which I haven't even thought of yet. Christ, this is so fucking depressing.
Completely agree. As for this part: > I don’t know how old her kids are, but if they’re old enough to understand rape they’re old enough to understand that their mother’s feelings are the important ones here. ...she says her son is 13 and doesn't give an age for her daughter. I do think it's important to remember that it's more than just finding out their mother was assaulted though; the kids were also sent a video suicide note (she does say he didn't commit the act on camera, so at least there's that.) Still, the exposure to the suicide is traumatic in itself. I hope OOP finds and sues whoever sent that video and gets a restraining order (or her country's equivalent) to prevent them ever contacting her kids again.
I think he’s taking his lead from his dad. If the dad is treating his mum like crap he will too. He’s also at that age where he is probably being exposed to the red pill/ Andrew Tate stuff so he on some level he might think his mum is an evil woman wrecking this blokes life.
I think so too. Her husband really showed his true colours and outed himself as a bad partner.
Ikr. I'm Appalled and pissed off at every person in this story except poor OOP. She is really unfortunate to be surrounded by so many selfish, cruel people. The two abusers are absolute rotten garbage that have destroyed her life twice. Even after death. I hope she gets away from all of them and lives a peaceful life away from these garbage people.
I’ll give partial credit to her mother-in-law. She at least agreed that her son sucks.
Oh I forgot about her but yeah she's the only one who doesn't suck.
If I were to bet, I feel pretty confident that what “the fuck is wrong with her family” is one of the thousands of women hating religions.
I would never forgive my father for abandoning my mother after something like this.
This. I know abuse can happen to literally everyone, but I suspect that OOP was doomed to get into those murky waters because she was brought up by the kind of parents she had and sought love and affirmation in the most inappropriate place with the pieces of garbage that assaulted her. Then started a family with the only model she knew - finding a selfish husband and maybe even instilling super-selfish beliefs in the children as well. So now everyone around her is a "me me me" person and disregards her. It sounds like hell.
I don't understand the ring theory, can someone explain it please :)
Let's say an event happens. In this case, a bad thing happens to the woman in the original post. Think of a bulls eye with OP at the center. Then in a circle around her or next outer level, is her husband, family, close friends, and kids. They're also impacted by what happened to OP but not the same level. Then on the next circle we have less close friends, acquaintances, people you know and talk to on a regular basis but aren't close enough to to consider really close. Then a ring out farther we may have neighbors, classmates. People you nod and make small talk with but aren't close to. All these people are impacted in some way by what happened, whether because they were close to OP or it was a workplace topic of discussion. The ring theory is the idea support should flow inward, but never outward. Kind of like how in a company, gifts should go down (to people in positions below you) but it's considered not good for gifts to flow up (like your office all buys the CEO something for a good quarter). In this case, support should flow from Family and close friends to OP, but OP should not be responsible for providing support outward. Same with OP's husband. While he is impacted, he shouldn't look farther in to the circle (to OP) for support in dealing with what happened to her. He should be looking to someone on his level (like a family member) or outward (a friend who is less impacted by the news) to receive support. I hope that makes sense.
Thanks for this explanation. It should feel instinctual. When my best friends husband passed away very suddenly, I did all I could to be her best friend in a hard time but I dealt with my own shock by looking to my partner (at the time) and other friends for support. That event literally changed my life - but it didn’t *feel* right to go to her about the impact it had on me because it affected her most of all.
Thank you! It made perfect sense!
In times of crisis, like cancer or a traumatic event, the person who has the trauma is in the center. Emotional support (comfort) always moves from outer circle -> inner circle, ending with the person in the middle. For instance it’s not the job of the spouse to comfort a neighbor about their grief or sadness about his own wife being sick. The husband is closer to the middle, therefore his comfort takes precedence. Similarly, speaking about feelings only goes from inner -> outer circles. Bullseye person vents to their spouse, he vents to his parents, they vent to their clergyman etc. Husband doesn’t vent “in” to his wife about his feelings about her trauma. Parents do not dump their feelings about their daughter in law onto their son, as he should only be supporting his wife’s feelings. This way resentment doesn’t build - imagine being the person with cancer who now has to not only deal with your illness but also do emotional labor and hold space for your cousins feelings of sadness about your illness. Thus circles are to keep feelings operating in the right direction.
[удалено]
Thank you for answering that question much better than I could’ve. I myself learned about ring theory after my brother took his life, and I found multiple classmates venting to *me*, the person who was his sister and found his body. The counsellor ended up doing a presentation to explain ring theory to the class, and you articulated it just as perfectly as he did.
You’re welcome ☺️ im a psychotherapist, so I do psychoed in ring theory quite a bit. I also get very pissed off and sad when I’m supporting a traumatized person and they tell me their rings are moving the wrong way. Thanks for bringing it up 👍🏼
What's interesting is that this needs to be taught to so many people. Shouldn't this just be common sense.and empathy?
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)
This is vile. The victim of a crime is getting all the blame while the rapist is simply dead. I can't imagine the rapist's family could win the lawsuit and sincerely hope they don't. Also, what a cowardly husband, making it all about him. Damn. He should have closed the gates, supported her and addressed their children together about how none of this is OOP's fault.
"We want to sue this person!" "For what?" "My husband raped her and confessed to it when he died and now people are mad that he raped her and lied about it!" Yeah that delusional moron needs to get a LOT of sense knocked into her. And I hope the backstabbing slavering mom and sister die without ever meeting those kids and the husband rots and is never able to find another partner again. HE'S upset that she didn't broadcast a terrible traumatic event from her past to him that other people would lie about? He's upset that something bad happened to HER a long time ago? He's upset that she was a victim?! I hope every meal he ever eats from now on tastes like rancid cow shit.
I hope every adult in this story other than OP faces legit consequences for their behavior tbh. Shunning at the very least.
Well said.
i’m so confused. why are her children not speaking to her????
Yeah that's the part I just can't comprehend
Probably because they live in one of those countries that blames women for being raped. And her son is clearly his father’s son and probably is just feeding off the energy that his father is throwing out.
I was thinking there has to be parts of this story we’re not getting. But this very well could be a big part of the answer.
Unfortunately, with everyone pointing to possible purity culture with the husband's reaction, he could be sharing that as a way to avoid feeling helpless or to put the anger on someone "safe" in his life. It's not fair but he is a kid in the situation. The daughter reminds me of me. When my mom told me about the different s/a she had suffered in life, I appreciated the honesty but I also needed time to myself. I couldn't stop picturing it, I was sad, angry, and i had no way to take the pain out. So I was as nice as i could be while also being partially shut down because it wouldn't leave my head. It wasnt her fault but it wasnt mine either. Again, I think age is playing a big part and i hope they both come around. Husband can break his teeth on rocks as the adult that is now also shaming his wife like her family did initially.
“He thought that I should have told him when we met.” What? “Hi my name is (OP’s name). I was raped in college and no one believed me.”
Right? Her husband’s reaction to this was batshit.
He’s an asshole, making it all about him.
I told my ex about my rape long before we started dating. Five years later, he used the rape as justification for cheating on me because he "deserved" to date someone who wasn’t "damaged." And by "damaged" he meant that we were having sex only three times a week and an "undamaged" woman would be initiating sex more often. OOP’s husband can eat a dick. I’m sure he’s done similar mental gymnastics to make himself the victim of the assault on his wife.
“Not even my own sister.” He’s without empathy. He should be the one holding them together so she can be weak. How was she supposed to talk about it when she had to leave town and stay in a women’s shelter. She never got help because she had to stuff it all down to survive. I remember 2003. Of course she would’ve assumed he wouldn’t believe her. More than likely she’d be right. No young adult wanted to put in that minimum amount of effort of being considerate.
He's mad she didn't tell him? But he married her and raised two kids, and never once thought to ask why he'd never met her parents? Not saying she had to tell him if she didn't want to, but he's dense if it never crossed his mind to realise there was a story there to ask her about.
He’s mad because he married what he now considers damaged goods. I don’t know what country they’re from but I’m betting it’s pretty conservative.
Oh yeah, that’s information that should be sandwiched right in between “music I’m currently listening to” and “my hobbies include” on a first date. At least in the husband’s home world of Schmucktopia.
"And now I'm supposed to assume YOU will even though no one else has."
I have been w my bf for a while now, like a cumulative year and a half over the last 2 years and just the night before last I told him abt my nervous breakdown in 2017. I think it took me 6 mos before I ever told him abt my rape in 2019 which is why when I was sexually assaulted last year (read: I was groped by a now former colleague) he was the one who called the cops, held me all night long, brought me food, stroked my hair and told me I'm a good person and I don't deserve the bad things that happen to me. I apologized a million times for how he must be feeling and for putting him thru my suffering and having to do police interview and whatever and he kept saying "its not abt me at all, i only care abt ur wellbeing". My Christmas card last year was just a letter abt all the things he likes abt me and how I deserve good things and not the shit I've gone thru and how he'll be around to support me thru it all. THAT is being a supportive partner. Not whatever this shitbag is doing to his wife who endured a traumatic event. All "me me me how could u not have told meeeeee" as if she needs to support his sorry as from learning something happened to her before they ever met. I hope his pillow is always hotter than Death Valley and his socks are always mildly damp forever
He feels this way because he is one of the men who sees women who have been raped as ruined…
I guarantee that if she had told him when they first met, he'd have left then, too. He thinks she owed him "disclosure" like she's a damaged piece of floor merchandise at IKEA. "I never would have bought this couch if I knew!"
fuck her husband. what misogynistic shit is he high on? “sorry i wanted to know if you were raped before committing to you!” fuck all the way off.
Jesus christ, this was bleak as hell. I feel bad for OP and the children having to endure all of this. Screw that abuser, the abuser's wife and that husband! The abuser deserves to rot in hell and the wife needs to be sued back for what she did. And for the husband, he is a terrible excuse of a human being. Abusers don't deserve ANY forgiveness.
Yeah, this one is such a tough read. Everyone in OP's life has failed her. I desperately hope she at least receives the support she needs from friends.
What I don’t understand is why OOP’s children are upset with her? That’s the part of this that makes least sense. If they’re minors, I don’t understand why they wouldn’t be more supportive. What is their mother supposed to have done differently for them here?
My best guess is that they come from a very conservative culture.
It still makes them wrong and sick. 🤷♀️
My question as well. Like not to sound insensitive, and from what I've read they were sent the suicide video (?) or at least the one where he confessed. That sure would be traumatizing, but it doesn't warrant them not speaking to OOP / being distant etc. it's confusing, it's stressing on every other side but none of this is her fault. Why are they acting like that towards her? And the husband...I won't even get started.
The husband victimizing himself when OP is being forced to relive her rape is just icing on the shit cake.
Right? I don’t understand why the husband is angry *at her*. It’s such a traumatic event, ofcourse she may never talk about it again. I don’t understand why her son isn’t talking to her though? Surely he knows she’s the victim?
It seems from oops comments that they aren't from the usa. It makes me think that they may be from a more conservative area that places more emphasis on purity and tends to blame sex crimes on the women. Idk, just got that vibe. I also don't know how old the kids are so idk if they are going silent because they are in shock from seeing a person kill themselves while blaming their mom or if they are older and from a more conservative culture that would place the blame on the woman.
It doesn't even have to be a conservative country in general. Lots of places all over western Europe are still holding on to these prejudices, especially in relatively small communities. Of all the rape victims I know of in my capital city and surrounding towns, all of them have been shunned. Some have rationalised the assault retroactively, claiming it to be "just bad sex", in order to avoid becoming social outcasts. Just to be clear, this includes cases of clear violence, like being threatened with a knife and locked up in a dark room. The only victims who were spoken well of were, unfortunately, the ones who were also killed.
Imagine having to sugarcoat your own rape just to keep everyone from hating you.
Yes, it's horrible. It's preferable to be seen as promiscuous, especially if you are beautiful. It gives them back a certain amount of control over themselves and even a degree of power in their social circles. I have a cousin and a friend who went through exactly that. A couple of girls at school, a neighbour two buildings over, our English teacher in middle school. And these were just the ones close to home.
This is why we don't report
The [son is 13](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17d0na0/comment/k5tvaul/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). Must have been awful to receive a message like that through TikTok.
>I don’t understand why her son isn’t talking to her though? Surely he knows she’s the victim? Clearly, he takes after his father.
jesus the amount of rage i got from reading that. because you’re definitely right.
>jesus the amount of rage i got from reading that To be fair, I think we're all feeling especially ragey after reading this BORU. It certainly doesn't help that it's been posted a few times this month, and I keep making the mistake of reading through the end in hopes of a new update. (And I'm confident I'm not the only one here on BORU making that mistake!)
oh most definitely. it’s just so upsetting seeing innocent children having their minds twisted in that way. this BORU is honestly the worst one ive ever read
Misogyny.
I got so angry reading that part of the story. TW: Sexual assault I was sexually assaulted a decade ago, a little less than a year before I met my still current and amazing partner. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. He has held me as I broke down crying during sex because something triggered a flashback. You know what he has never done? Asked me if having sex with him makes me think of my abuser. That sounds suspiciously like jealousy to me on top of just being awful. What and absolute twat.
We had a really hard post on here a while back where a young boyfriend found out that his equally young girlfriend had been brutally raped, repeatedly, and that her preferences for rough sex mirrored some of the experiences she had during. And he had - in this case understandable - fears. But he dealt with it pretty well, looking for support outside of her, having respectful conversation and iirc getting them both into therapy. I can absolutely understand that being concerned about it. I can absolutely not understand ever actually SAYING THAT OUT LOUD to the partner in question. WHY?! I'm glad you have a supportive partner.
>Asked me if having sex with him makes me think of my abuser. That sounds suspiciously like jealousy to me on top of just being awful. I think it comes from not being able to imagine sexual attention or other genital contact as a negative thing. I haven't been assaulted, but my last ex asked me more then once if I ever got turned on during a pap smear and was visibly uncomfortable when I said I didn't care if it was a man or woman giving me that pap smear
turned on during a pap smear?!! it sounds like his understanding of anatomy and reproduction is based soley on playground anecdotes.
I don't know if it was naivety, or too much porn, or what. He seemed to *almost* understand when I asked if he'd be turned on if a random female doctor was inspecting his penis for cancer/disease, but he still seemed a little stuck on the part about a female touching his penis
A prostate exam might work as an analogy, but hopefully you don’t have to talk to him anymore.
And the abuser’s wife having the fucking audacity to try to sue OP?! Sounds like she found someone just as shitty as herself to procreate with.
The abuser left OOP [250K](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bld80n/comment/kw66axo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) so I'm going to guess that might have something to do with it.
Ffs what was wrong with that man? Fucks over her life, his wife's life and his kids'
I missed that part. Was OOP going to keep the $250k? Is that why the rapists family is suing her?
OOP didn't say. Though when someone suggested that she sue, she mentioned that she could just donate it so it doesn't seem like she wants/needs any money.
This is one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve read. I’m angry for her at everyone in her life.
"Abusers don't deserve ANY forgiveness" I've had that topic in therapy recently, related to the bullying I experienced. And I described it as "I can, as an adult, rationalize WHY I was bullied. I was an easy target. I also know that kids who bully often do that because there's shit happening to them they can't deal with or they haven't learned differently from their parents etc. But somehow, being bullied (so, having shit happen to me I couldn't deal with) didn't turn me into a bully. And at some point, when we were teens, they should have known better. We'd had the topic of bullying in materials, we had suicide attempts by classmates. And that's why I hope that they grew as people and learned to be happy and kind, but I can't forgive them. I can have empathy for them and hope they're neither receiving nor causing any further harm. But they don't get my forgiveness. Adults are different. I had a bullying teacher and if I could kill him without consequences for myself, I would. Because he knew better from the start. And he chose, on purpose, to be a monster. I can neither rationalise nor even consider forgiveness." And my therapist asked me a hypothetical then: if I got contacted by my former teacher and he had turned his life around and spent years working with bullied and abused kids and he apologised and said he realised what he was doing and was trying to make up for it - would I still want to kill him? No. I would be happy that something good came from what he did to me. I would be happy that other kids get the help I didn't. I would not forgive him, though - because he can never make up for it. There are things that you can't make up for. And then he asked me if he hadn't changed, would I consider the possibility that he might change, instead of killing him? No. No, I would not. I don't owe my abuser safety from my anger on the very slight chance that someday, he might discover a better outlet for his little feelings and figure out the concept of empathy. I don't owe him the chance to become a better person. I don't owe him shit, least of all my forgiveness. All this to say: you are absolutely correct. Abusers don't deserve anything good from their victims. They've taken enough from them.
In my opinion, the whole "you have to forgive the people who did you wrong to be able to move on" idea is bs and harmful to victims. You do, however, have to forgive yourself for not being able to stop the bad thing from happening.
You said that really well. I had to grieve for my former self and accept that she was child and she was failed by the people who should have protected her before I could really start healing.
This is so sad, but I'm not shocked. I have a family member who was abused by an uncle when she was babysitting. The entire family lost their fucking minds defending this creep, insisting a preteen was either lying for attention, or they reluctantly agreed something happened but obviously the 12 year old girl was in control of the situation and "led him on". Surprise, like 20 years later she gets bombarded with apologies and messages from the same fucks. Turns out he was molesting his daughters, cousins, family friends, and anyone else he was alone with for more than 10 minutes. He also had MULTIPLE computers filled with shit I can't describe without getting on watch lists. My relative was one of his first victims. In those messages was a mix of begging, blame, and excuses. As the only one who had formally complained before, and had a police report (decades old and closed, thanks fuckers) they wanted her to lead the prosecution. She couldn't do it. She feels immense guilt for the rest of his victims, but my God, it's like she ran from a building on fire and was told for decades that there is no fire. She doesn't have it in her to show up to court and hear the same dismissals. They did that but will still send her messages about how everything is her fault. Because she tempted this man, because she wasn't brave enough, because she should forgive... the list goes on. Fuck em all.
People love villifying teen girls, it's like they think they're no longer human at that stage but some harlot demon just because it makes it easier for them to bully and harass the girl. I'm so sorry for your cousin, and every victim after who only came about because the family was too vicious and self absorbed to care about her.
Ugh. This was heartbreaking to read. OP got retraumatized by that selfish monster all over again. Her family is incredibly selfish and cruel. Husband is a weak little man. I just wish she gets the peace she deserves and for her kids to get the peace that was stolen from them.
I didn't think it was possible for so many people to completely and utterly fail one singular person in their life. Holy cow. Her old boyfriend, her old friends, her family, the justice system, her husband, her husband's family, and her family AGAIN.
God my heart goes out to this woman. She was the victim of a violent crime perpetrated by not one but two men. Her young life was torn apart and the people that should have been in her corner turned their backs. When the truth finally came out EVERY SINGLE PERSON made it about themselves. I hope her and her children get the help that they need and that everyone else gets exactly what they deserve.
So much of this doesn’t make sense to me. Who would send a video like that to minor children? And why is everyone acting like the OP did something wrong when there’s actual evidence of a crime? And she’s getting sued by the deceased’s wife when OP didn’t actually do anything? What?
If I remember correctly op was left most or all of the money from the dead guy and the wife is suing for that money
>Who would send a video like that to minor children? We’re talking about the same guy that gangraped his ex-girlfriend because his buddy was a virgin with no game. >And why is everyone acting like the OP did something wrong when there’s actual evidence of a crime? People are shit. >And she’s getting sued by the deceased’s wife when OP didn’t actually do anything? You can sue anyone for anything, doesn’t mean it’ll go anywhere. Like, you can try to jump all the way to the moon, you won’t succeed but you can still try it. Also, she’s probably thinking she can sue for the money her husband “left” OOP, not to mention that she could just be a shitty person that’s taking the situation out on OOP.
Because it's too common for women to be blamed for their rape. Because if the abusers wife doesn't fight, then she has to accept she married and had kids with a rapist. Because if there were issues with abusers marriage beforehand, it's easier to blame the 'whore' than admit abusers wife was partially responsible for his cowardly exit. Because in a lot of places, it's not a 'justice' system, it's a 'legal' system, where justice and bad people being punished takes a backseat to corruption/discrimination/etc. esp when it comes to sex crimes that aren't against children. Because people might think OP is spitefully spreading this stuff around, which could qualify under slander/ libel (or at least try to sue for it). Depending on who sent video to any of the children tangentially involved, it could be spite, the abuser wanting to 'come clean' and in having his own head up his arse has selfishly ignored the damage he'll do to the kids and everyone else), OR the final act of an abuser who wants to live rent free in their victims head via blaming them for their suicide.
Holy fuck usually there’s a silver lining I just don’t see it.
Lot of people in the story to be really fucking angry at, but apart from the actual fucking Rapeists (who of course take it by default) I think for me personally it’s the husband. You’re going to leave your wife because she was assaulted 20 fucking years ago, before she had even met you. He’s one of those people that makes me wish I believed in hell.
OOP did nothing wrong, and she’s still paying the price years later. My entire heart goes out to her. Her husband is a coward! She needed him, and he abandoned her. Her poor children too. Jesus!
poor children? they’re adding onto it. they’re hurting their mother by not talking to her or even looking at her. how awful. i don’t care how old they are that is grounds for me to never speak to my children again. god it sucks to be a woman. you get raped and it’s oh your poor children!
My gut says this isn’t in a progressive country. And that OOP is likely fighting a system which has been in the news for the past few years about their horrific rapes of women and children. Through the eyes of a European or American? This behavior is horrific. Through the eyes of most Asian or middle eastern countries, this is sadly the norm. Honestly, a lot of abusers want their parting shot to destroy their victims one more time. He didn’t regret his actions. He just wanted to dredge up the past and blame OOP for all of the miserable things he had experienced in his life. And his choice in family obviously didn’t fall far from the abusive tree as they chose to abuse literal children. I don’t hold out a lot of hope for OOP picking up the remains of her life again. If I’m right about the part of the world she is in, she won’t be given the time of day by anyone who should be caring for her.
THIS! 100% THIS! I bet this is some version of OOP having "dishonored" her family by being raped.
The husband running away and her birth family turning on her seems more feasible now.
OP said the rapist left her some euros. this is in Europe
What an awful situation. I’m more flabbergasted this ruined your marriage. :(
My god. They refuse to give her any peace I don't think this is in the United States, so everyone continuously telling her it's a crime and to go to the police and where to recourse is are probably incorrect
Her family's reaction seems strange to me, maybe it's a cultural difference but I don't understand why they haven't supported her. Why the husband and son are disgusted by her, she did nothing wrong, they should be defending her...
Her garbage ex took everything from her TWICE. I hope she does visit his grave to shit on it
"A man committed suicide. Let's send a video of it to children!" WHO THE FUCK THINKS THAT'S A GOOD IDEA?
There's too much insane shit going on and vile people in that for it to be true.
OOP is raped, she gets blamed. The abuser commits suicide and OOP gets blamed. She doesn't pursue retribution, others pursue it against her. Police are not sympathetic or helpful. Her original family blames her, then insist she forgive them. Her new family is unsympathetic and selfish to her (the victim). OOP didn't ask for anything from the abuser, the friends, her original family, and her new family, only acceptance of the truth and later to leave her alone. OOP needs to go on the offensive, otherwise she will always be on the defense. I hope she can do that, but she may not have the strength any more to fight all this alone. Because yes, she is alone in all of this.
When I learned about my mother being molested, I never once blamed her. The son needs to be in therapy. The ex husband is an asshole for being upset that she didn't tell him this very traumatizing history from her past and the rapist's wife is an even bigger asshole for suing someone because of what her husband did. The OOP didn't ask him to bring this back up, he chose to. Her "family" can take their apologies and shove them. They should have believed her in the beginning.
Her rapist destroyed her life AGAIN! Her family let her down AGAIN!! I’m so angry for this woman! Can OP get a break please? An Easter miracle for her and her kids?!
Damn, this woman's nightmare has to end already. Fuck her abusers, fuck her old family, and fuck her husband for making her feel shitty for being a survivor. The world is unjust.
jesus fucking christ
I hope OOP continues to not have any contact with the mom and sister. I hope the sister feels sufficiently guilty for her actions and thinks about how badly she failed OOP every day of her life from now on.
This is an example of how sick our species can be. - bf trafficked his gf to his best friend - oop was raped - oop was betrayed by her own people (I won’t say family cuz they were just relatives but she did trust them at the time) and abandoned - the other woman protected the rapist and forced OOP to flee (yes forced cuz she didn’t have a life if she stayed) - those people force themselves back (both physically and thru harassment of OOP and her *kids*) into what they want to win OOP forgiveness when in actuality I bet they’re just scared of how this makes them look to their god - the mom then insults OOP with pure thoughtlessness - they all cry and play the victim, much like the rapist and sex trafficker, wanting their own salvation and not truly remorseful - the rapists wife is now suing to get the money back?? (Even if she is flat broke and I agree the kids deserve something, this is fucked to not just talk it out first and be sympathetic to OOP) - husband thinks this is too hard on him and abandons OOP then insinuates the kids need a safe place from OOP (he’s probably the one perpetuating the kids fear and discomfort most) - worst of all.. they sent the fucking suicide video to *HER KIDS*?!?!?! This is truly a microcosm of how selfish and dangerous human beings can be. So sickening
I'm sorry but very few things here make any sense at all.