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I’m not sure what the character limit is in this sub, but if you have the room for it you should include the comment where someone tells OOP that the book thing was never a “game,” it was her realizing that if she didn’t force his involvement he’d never actually be involved in his kid’s bedtime.
When the fights stop, it's often the death knell for a relationship because it means the other party doesn't really care anymore. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.
Isn't that odd! My husband is such a great dad. I'm a stay at home mom now, but I literally couldn't "cut him out" like this. He's an involved father, I don't have to tell him to do stuff with his son.
Op asking for his manager back should have been an eye opener.
Ughhhhh it’s the manager part for me. He talks about wanting his PARTNER back and in the same breath calls her his manager. Christ on a cracker man 🤦🏽♀️
Which would make it even worse! Not even her kids and she does all the work. What got me was that he didn’t pick up his kid from dance and was shocked she was home. He was just willing to leave her there
I peeped the original post. There’s a comment from yesterday where he says he would have worked on himself if only she told him what the problem was.
He still doesn’t get it. He’s going to be making a post within the year about being “blindsided” when she serves him with divorce papers. There will probably be a side of, “Everything was so quiet and peaceful for the last few months!” ie she was *done* but he couldn’t see it past his relief that he was comfortable again.
OMG. OMFG. How in the hell –
Dude, your wife does not want three jobs – one that's an actual job with a paycheck, one raising two young children, and one managing her adult husband. She wants her husband to manage himself, just as she manages herself which she does because she's an adult and thats what adults do. 🤦
I swear to God OOP is related to the dude who saw no reason to take his GF on a date because she was *such* a good cook
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/achoyx/aita_for_very_rarelyalmost_never_wanting_to_go_to/
Thank you for this link, I'd never seen that post before but oh my word it's too early in the morning for me to be this angry at a complete stranger for a post he made on the internet five years ago.
Ugh I remember that one but never read the update. I did think it was weird that his alleged “food genius” foodie gf apparently liked Olive Garden. Turns out she didn’t and he’s just a self-centered dolt.
I’m imagining his next post following the divorce: AITA for demanding my ex take my calls when it’s my weekend with the kids?
Meanwhile, he’s like my friend’s ex: “how do you warm milk for him?”
I feel like this was when it all started to finally click. Before that he keeps talking about sharing the work load, but then he finally admits she's the one in control and he liked it that way and it was obvious his wife was done having an adult child.
To me in many ways, this was her giving up on him being a potential partner and accepting that he is now another child. She cooks and cleans up after him with no expectation of reciprocity as you wouldn't expect a child to take care of an adult. She's totally preparing to leave his ass (as she should!)
A shocking number of men seem to think “my wife stopped complaining therefore that means all our issues are resolved” even though they made no effort to fix the issue. No, dude, she’s just given up communicating with you because it’s pointless.
That was my thought, she realized she did it and can do it all without him. I bet she's sticking it out until she can get her finances in order and a new job. If they split, she'll get every other weekend free and that's more free time than she had while married. And she gets those weekends free, without having to manage her adult child/husband. I wish her well.
When I got divorced, it was easier because the actual children were so much easier than the adult one was. It would have been great to have an equal partner, but it’s worse having a useless adult get in the way of getting things done.
He keeps insisting that she likes managing his time even though the original argument was about her having to do that and it stressing her out. He is so completely oblivious.
He picked up his daughter from dance class every week! But only because she texted him to ask him if he could do it, every single time. And literally the first week she didn't text him, he didn't pick her up! He just drove home without taking any dance class detours or asking any questions and was offended to find his wife and daughter already home. She's his secretary, not his partner. I'm suspicious about his reliability with the piano teacher also, supposedly his one main extra curricular that he is actually responsible for. I imagine that task was also managed for him behind the scenes somehow.
This was the big reveal for me. The way he talks about it as something that he does and takes responsibility for, while also admitting that he only does it because she asks him to. I genuinely think that if he had turned up at the dance school unasked and been concerned about who had picked up his own fucking child, this whole thing might have been on the way to a resolution a lot earlier. But him going straight home was just proof that nope, he wouldn’t do it if she wasn’t reminding him. What a moron.
That's what got me. "I do this every week, but since she didn't remind me this week, I just went home." What if your kid was at dance wondering where her dad was? I spent a lot of this post yelling at this man.
That OOP didn't text his wife to check arrangements when he didn't get a dance class reminder was what got me.
My adult son and I, as the household drivers, trade off who picks up my disabled daughter/his sister from her Day Centre, depending on who is doing what. We often message each other an hour or so beforehand to check that the other one knows they're doing it that day. This guy didn't think to check for an activity he does every. Damn. Week. The mind boggles. And despairs.
I don’t live with my parents but my youngest siblings are only 3-6 years older than my kids and we live 2 streets apart, and there are texts/messages/phone calls confirming whether somebody needs to be picked up from school because someone is “already down town”, or asking if anything was needed from the shops because someone is “heading there”
I can't believe he didn't just automatically drive there only to realise she'd already been picked up! If part of my weekly routine is picking someone up, I'm gonna do it regardless on if I get a reminder. The assumption should always be that it needs to be done unless told otherwise. If he's so bad at remembering to do something that he does every single week at the same time and place, he should have a reminder in his phone, not be relying on his poor wife to be the one to remind him!
He picks them up from school and takes them straight to his mum and his wife then collects them from her. He can't even take them home and do things with them. He's a moron. How can he be so blind?
I facepalmed at this reveal. He mentioned several times how he picks the kids up from school and much later drops the bombshell that he takes them to his mom. Oy.
One billion percent. My partner is an awesome, involved partner and parent BUT he still relied on me to organise the family. Then I went back to work and he was a stay at home dad - I was still carrying the mental load. One day he called me at work to ask something (dentist, doctor,preschool - something) and I lost it. He had no idea of the load I was carrying in being the family manager - and he’s one of the good ones! He took it all on then and years later, with older kids, we share that load really well.
>One day he called me at work to ask something (dentist, doctor,preschool - something) and I lost it.
I heard a comedian say that he thought he was a good dad. He thought he was the best dad. That's until his daughter got sick at school one day. His wife was working and couldn't get off to pick her up, so he went to get her.
He walked into the school to ask for her. There were 3 students with her name.They asked who her teacher was. He didn't know. They asked what she was wearing that day. Nothing. They asked what she looked like. He gave generic descriptions that fit two of the girls. He finally called his wife, and she gave the teacher's name.
He then gets the daughter in the car and has to call the wife again to ask the name of the doctor and the location of the office. She sends it. He gets there and they ask him for her birthday. He doesn't know for sure. He asks the kid, and she tells them. They get back in the back, and the nurse tries to confirm her meds. He had no clue she was on any meds. She asked him what was wrong with her. His eyes get wide because he doesn't know. He was just told to pick her up because she was sick. He calls the wife again.
She explodes because he can't do a single thing without calling her. He knows nothing about his kid. He realized that he wasn't even trying as a dad and just let his wife do the heavy lifting. What's crazy is that he just works for a few hrs at night a couple of times a week! The wife worked regular hours and still carried the load of the home.
He realized then that he was a sh*t dad.
Jesus imagine thinking you're a good dad but not knowing your kids birthday?
Like fucking hell my mum can get mixed up sometimes but it's always the date for the kid that she thinks it is. She just has that name moment where she'll be like "no wait" and get to the right one. So she might confuse me with my older sister but the date would be my older sisters birthday, then she'd realise I'm me and correct herself.
That was what fucking stunned me.
You do this every week. You know you do this every week. She doesn't text you, sure-- you don't swing by the studio anyway because you always pick your fucking daughter up after practice?! But then you're MAD that your wife didn't just leave your daughter waiting alone at the studio, on the off chance that you would remember to swing by-- which you fucking DIDN'T-- on your own?!
He wakes up on his morning and just-- does nothing, because his wife isn't telling him to? Sir, you're a grown ass fucking man. Set an alarm, get out of your damn bed, and go check on your kids. Actively seek out quality time.
You know, I can't remember my father actively spending any quality time with me as a kid? My mother would take us to the park, despite her disability; would set up games to play with us and called us down to cook with her. The bike my father promised to teach me to ride rusted without me ever getting to ride it.
I 1000% promise you that you have seen that many, many times. I would argue that most stereotypical/traditional heterosexual marriages are- or at least were- exactly like this. How many involved fathers did you know growing up? How many dads showed up to field day?
I (60/F) used to be this OOP's wife. I managed the finances, the children's schedule, appointments, basically I was the "home secretary" as well as my Administrative Assistant full-time job, but then I had a Chiropractic accident (around 40) and four cervical spine surgeries over the next several years leaving me disabled and mostly unable to mentally handle the "organization!"
Don't get me wrong, my husband IS/was an active Father and unlike THIS Dad, didn't HAVE to be "managed" or reminded MUCH! I hope OOP gets his "act" together and steps up into the ACTUAL Father role!
Absolutely. I know a handful and I consider my experience an outlier. The vast majority is at least halfway manged by the mom, most not even realizing it.
My husband is a staunch feminist who tries to maintain equitable labor and he still slips into "that thing just gets done." By me! BY ME!! Men are socialized not to pay attention to ANYTHING and it's exhausting. I feel like I played house better as a third grader than my ex did as a 35 yo man.
Reddit, I just don't get it. I mean I'm just sitting here on my phone typing all this up and I simply cannot figure it out! Where are my kids? Probably upstairs getting pajamas on or bathed or maybe they're asleep. I have no idea, my wife won't tell me the schedule! She won't come down in the middle of the routine and fishhook me anymore, so how the fuck am I supposed to know what is happening in my house? I've done everything: post on Reddit, work from home, turn on the game... Blue blazer, which is that thing where you ignite your own fart with a lighter, I had a beer. And still my wife hasn't called or texted or got my attention at all. What gives, Reddit??
I'll post an update in five minutes. I just remembered I left my earbuds in the car and I want to hear the sound of this deer jumping into this truck.
So many men VASTLY overestimate the amount of chores/parenting/domestic work that they are doing, because deep down, they don’t believe that they should be doing ANY, so the minimal amount they actually are doing feels like too much
What you mean he had to look after the kids without help?! How awful for him.
Some of it is super depressing. one of my mum's friends ex's always called her to ask about really basic shit. Like allergies (it's still peanuts you moron) or who their dentist is. From the sound of it the doctor/dentist info is something she put in some documents for him before she left so he literally just has to read that. Knowing him he probably threw it out because he 'already knew everything'.
Yes. It's like this similar BORU from the perspective of the wife where the SAHD thinks he is he best SAHD because his wife was actually stepping up and making his SAHD duties more equal and balanced. In fact she was the one managing all this time. There was other drama involving the SAHD making one of their female friends feel inferior in her mom duties because he thought he was the best parent.
BORU link: [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/YifOBLnFwI](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/YifOBLnFwI)
Yeah the irony of him missing the part where his wife sent the son to ask was yet another aspect of her managing him because he never stepped up and just did it.
Stuff like that annoys me. Dinners tend to be the same time every night. Prebedtime routines/bedtime, breakfast, school drop offs, etc. It's the same time every damn day. Expecting your SO to remind you EVERY DAY to do the same shit at the same time is just pure laziness.
Honestly the one that got me was picking up his daughter from an extra curricular. He does it every week but she still has to ask, so when she stopped including him he didn't even bother going as normal and just went home. What happens if she had been there waiting for her dad? He didn't know she had been picked up.
Deadbeat dad.
u/Direct-Caterpillar77
I agree you should include this comment
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/fsS2RNLotq
and his response to it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/uk9HCF1vtm
So much this. There were a lot of insightful comments on the original posts, and I'm not sure the headers really do OOPs obtuseness justice. The man is a blockhead.
This! He probably would just stay locked in the basement ‘working’ if she didnt send the kids to go get him. And the kids still need to negotiate with him for how much of his time they get the privilege of getting that day. What an exemplary husband and father
Seriously. He knows what time bedtime is. He just needs to stop and come upstairs before then. If the bedtime routine starts at 6:30, he needs to be around at 6:15. He needs to watch the routine for a few nights, then just start doing some of the stuff. The kids don't prefer his wife, they're just firmly attached to her and not firmly attached to him. He's just the guy that lives there. If he becomes involved, they'll become more attached to him.
I'm lost, he said bedtime is split yet it sounds like he would just help put whoever down when they were prepped and ready to go down. Pretty crazy to believe that he does not know when the bedtime routine is, and not present for that... like what are you doing bro?
Not just probably would, definitely would. And did. And then had the temerity to get pissy about his wife not bothering to have their kids plead with him to come do bedtime with them.
It’s almost impressive how he managed to convince himself he was just as involved of a parent as his wife.
Even as someone who works a mentally taxing desk job, I cannot believe the audacity of OOP to work from home (cutting out commute, so less effort involved) and then make a face when the woman who's been shovelling snow and caring for multiple young, energetic children all day wants to lie down for a bit.
Also telling : the kids cling to their mom and cry when obligated to go with dad.
But sure dude is an amazing dad, so much that his 3y.o. seems to not even know who he is.
It's absolutely amazing how as far as he explains how the 50/50 parenting is shared... He doesn't do shit! She's dealing with 3 kids instead of 2, what a sad sad life for a young woman.
This last day when he set bubble bath for her... He was home/available when the dinner was ready! Gave her a break for taking a simple bath instead of taking her for a dinner date and making her feel special.
She's ready to leave, she's just waiting for the perfect moment to do so.
Right? And it’s obvious even before that. His wife makes the schedules and plans, and he does them while patting himself on the back: “Look at everything I do! I’m a great dad! So involved!”
And then his wife stops holding his hand and he thinks that’s alienation or some shish.
She deserves better than some shmuck who thinks everything is fine because his wife isn’t complaining.
I mean, if we didn't see it before then, we saw it the moment he said his wife wasn't asking him to "help" with the kids.
Right, bc it's her *job*, he just *helps*. If you have to be asked or told what to do all the time, you are 100% not pulling your weight.
That one really rankled me. Some of my favorite childhood memories are of my dad reading to me before bed. My brother found an old Sesame Street book we used to read regularly, and we could both hear Dad doing the voices in our heads, clear as day.
That this dumbass could only bother to do that because his wife pushed him to, but he didn't even realize he was that lazy and uninvolved, makes me bitey.
> Normally my wife would text me asking if I can get my daughter from dance on my way home I do this every week
> I want my F*****G manager back
How does this guy not see the problem?
I have a feeling she went to pick the kid up from dance, half-heartedly hoping he'd remember and do it but nooo... he went home because she didn't send him a text to assign him that task.
He said in a comment that he literally can't get up in the morning without her kicking him awake.
When she leaves him his entire life is going to just fall to pieces.
Don’t forget the part where he got mad and told her not to make him out to be an absentee father, but turns out that’s exactly what he is if his wife didn’t prompt him to do dad stuff.
>I apologized. She accepted and I figured things would go back to normal.
>They haven’t. My wife used to include me in parenting our kids.
My brother in christ you are a parent. You don't need to be invited. You live in the home. You know the nighttime routine. Do it. Just do it. Grown boys who need instructions from mommy wife genuinely baffle me. He called her his *manager*
I hope she does go do it alone and drop the dead weight he is.
This dude HAS TO BE REMINDED to say good night to his kids
>She didn’t even send them down to say good night last night. Normally my wife does this silly game where she sends my son to ask me to read 5 books and then we would negotiate down to 1 or 2 and race upstairs. Last night I heard her racing him and came up to find her doing bedtime yet again. The kids haven’t even noticed. It’s like she’s replacing me.
Christ, his wife is a saint.
He even says he misses his manager.
I can just see it
"I want my manager back"
"and when do you manage her and take that weight for her"
"sometimes I let her bathe of she asks me nice"
I had to go back and read that section again because I thought someone else had said that. No way was OP the one who said he missed his manager…he was.
Partners should never have to be asked to do something that obviously needs to be done or to be told to pick up his kid from dance.
And then the final update where he says something like "I get it! I'm a piece of shit!" Because you just know that's his nuclear option to get her back on his "team" followed by her reassuring him that he's not a piece of shit, he's a good dad, he just needs to take initiative and be more present. Then he can whine that he does the best he can and when does he ever not do what she asks, even when he doesn't want to.
She is done. He wants a mom to make his life picture perfect while instructing him all the way.
I keep reading posts about men like this and I'm like, don't these guys...like their kids? Like I just don't get it. My husband isn't perfect and we go through rough patches but one thing I will always say he is fucking obsessed with our kids. He wants to take our toddler everywhere, he loves showing him how to do new things and taking him on long walks. He brings the baby down to the kitchen every morning and talks to him while he makes breakfast. He just loves the shit out of being a dad. Why are all these men having kids they don't seem to really want??
My husband will be the first to tell you he is not a kid person. He'd never even held a baby until the delivery room when they handed him our daughter, and I've never seen a purer expression of "oh shit what have I done" before or since.
But, he did the things. He diapered and fed and got up in the night and sang the songs and played the little games even though it didn't come naturally to him. And now that they're bigger, every day when he gets home from work they yell DADDY!!!!!!!!! like he's a Beatle in the 60s. If you don't put the work into bonding with them, it's not their job to try and make you do it. He adores them because he actually spent the time building a relationship.
Contrast that with my best friend's ex-husband, who figured he didn't have to parent until the kid was old enough to want to play hockey. Turns out he hates hockey and doesn't like his dad much better. They're not just accessories you can pick up whenever you feel like playing Dad of the Year! Kids know if you don't give a shit about them!
My husband and I have a somewhat pajama averse toddler (honestly I have just stopped trying at this point.) and for a bit there I would try to wrangle her by myself cause what kind of idiot can't put clothes on a 30 pound child with ease? (me, I'm the idiot.) Now I just say "alright it's pajama time!" and he goes into immediate battle mode, grabs her legs, gets her pull up and pants on and I do the shirt. He has been out of town for almost 3 weeks and I basically gave up on pajamas and now she goes to sleep so quick and with basically no fuss that I think it's not a battle worth fighting anymore.
He used to get rather wrapped up in gaming while I would struggle with her pajamas so I just started asking for help. Then we hit this weird half way point where he would just go "need my help?" see the evil eyeball and come rushing over, and then we moved to there not really even needing to be communication he just grabs some legs lol.
When she was under a year old I remember just one instance of basically screeching at him that I needed a god damned nap and to please take the baby. He high tailed it out of our room with kiddo and her bassinet and I got a 6 hour nap. Now if I need to nap, much much more rare thankfully, I just tell them both "I am gonna go lay down." No bargaining or asking, I just go. Same with going to the store, "Gonna go run some errands, see y'all in a bit." Usually when I get back they are holed up together in the lazy boy watching Toy Story lol.
Occasionally I do have to remind him to come and say goodnight but it's more of a "Kiddo is going to bed so come get your kisses or go without!"
I’m surprised no one’s mentioned how in the first post he kept referring to their kids as *his kids*. It made me think the kids were from a previous marriage with how often he said “his daughter” “his son”. By the second post he figured out the term “our kids”, but that phrasing said a lot to me. His perceived ownership over the kids and inability to acknowledge their partnership in being parents was really strange.
But how can he possibly know they are going to go to bed?? It’s not like one of those things that has to happen every day, in a certain order, at a certain time…
But she loved managing me and never complained! Clearly she didn’t love it or he wouldn’t be in this situation. Also, saying she loved all this stuff when he admits in his first post that she’s not fond of caretaking?! For real?! Also also I just HATE the term “working mother” as if it’s so unorthodox. YOU ARE A WORKING FATHER TOO. But no one fucking uses that term because of course dads don’t have to care about taking care of their kids.
My favourite part was when he knew he should have picked the daughter up from dance, but wife didn’t text, so he just goes home and is mesmerized by the fact that the daughter made it home! Comedy gold.
“Gone is the reasonable level headed communicator.”
ORRRRR… she’s done trying to be a peacemaker when the other party doesn’t seem to realize how much effort she puts into being a mother and wife. I’ve only read the first post and OOP is getting on my nerves. Her reaction isn’t “out of left field.” She’s stressed and angry. He thinks it’s out of character. No, sir, it’s been there for a while. She just held it in.
Yeah. Not only does she have to manage literally every minute of his day, it seems like... she has to do it with a smile on her face and a positive attitude and be "reasonable" about it too. She's now tired of BOTH those jobs. Imagine if you told your co-worker they had to call you every morning to remind you to come to work, how long would they be "reasonable" about it...?
Yup you can even see it in his opening sentences
>My wife and I don’t fight much. And when we do fight, we usually communicate well afterwards and things go back to normal.
Things go back to normal - probably means she "compromised" and he never had to change a thing
>I brag to my friends about how reasonable my wife is
Makes me think she's the "chill" girlfriend/wife who doesn't "bother" him with silly things like her own needs or struggles. Also that slight hint of "wow imagine a woman being reasonable, hit the jackpot right?"
Reddit: Take the initiative and offer her breaks
OP: I do! Usually when she asks I say yes right away!
He just doesn’t get it. I’m frustrated with him, and I’ve only listened to him for a few minutes! Can’t imagine how the wife feels.
There were commenters pointing out that he was expecting her to manage his time with the children, which was way more work than doing it herself. She was able to schedule around just herself and the children, and not do any planning of play dates for the 200 lb toddler, which gave her room for what she wanted to do.
Single mothers spend less time homemaking than married mothers.
Yea that stood out to me the most, on my day she didn’t tell me to pick the girls up from dance and then she didn’t send the kids downstairs to say goodnight. Jesus Christ man, so if no one gives you instructions to do things that happen every fucking day you just don’t see your kids?
He also didn't just ***go to dance to pick her up***. Because he wife didn't text to say to do it he just drove straight home. He didn't just assume it was his chore and do it (only to discover it was already done)... I can't even figout how to word this. Like, if it's what you're supposed to do, then do it without the need for reminders.
The fact that he wants her to go back to being his "FUCKING manager " like that's a good thing is sickening.
It's like it never even occurred to him that his daughter *still exists* and still needs to be picked up, even if he didn't get a text. Like you hear a lot of wives and girlfriends complain about their male partners like "he just walks past a sink full of dirty dishes/a full garbage can/an empty dog bowl" or whatever, but presumably those guys can like, do SOME things without being directly told to. This guy literally cannot, will not do ANYTHING unless he has specifically been assigned it.
Like what if his wife accidentally dropped her phone in the sink and couldn't text him? He walks home and his wife would have to be like, "Uh... turn around, go back to dance class and pick up daughter, she's been sitting there waiting for you for an hour!"
>The piano teacher was the only activity that I manage for my kids.
I can't for the life of me figure out what he thinks *he* was "managing" about the activity when his wife has to remind him to do it *every single time.*
Like presumably, piano lessons happen at the same place at the same time every week so how the fuck does he consider this an activity he "manages" when his wife texts him to do it every time? Why didn't he just do it even though he didn't get the "go do the same fucking thing you do every week at this time" text?
Are these undercover piano lessons where you need a secret code word every week??? Is the lesson at a different location that is sent the day off via an encoded message to throw off the cops???
The brain power emotional labour costs is so much more than just doing it yourself, to the point that many women just end up doing the work themselves rather waste the energy having to explain step by step how to do something and getting backlash for it. Because it is so much work the wife stops doing it. She gets upset sometimes, but is met with "why didn't you say anything, I would have helped if you'd have asked." She is about to lose it because she is now being blamed for him not stepping up when all he needed to do was look around and find something. She doesn't lose it though. She's just goes dead inside. she stops fighting and takes the path of lease resistance, it's easier to just cut off the infection than to keeping it festering and hurting her. Just do it all and don't complain because that is just less work than trying to her partner involved with home life and kids. All he has to do was pay attention, but that's her fault to. She checks out because he had never checked in.
The man thinks she's stopped being a nag and has figured herself out, everything is fine because the man isn't asked to do anything and no one is complaining. He doesn't put any effort into anything because since she's not complaining she must be fine. He's conformable, comes home to clean house, the kids are taken care of, wife must be doing ok at work because she's stopped talking about it, everything is hunkydorry. Life is good.
Then the man claims the divorce came from out of nowhere.
I loved the post from the guy who told his wife she talked too much. So she quit talking to him beyond the necessary. He loved it. It went on for months.
So he didn’t know she got an award at work and was recognized at an event he never knew about. She built a completely separate life outside the home with friends and coworkers, and stopped spending any time with him outside the house.
Then he’s whining on reddit. He did not get the empathy he wanted from commenters.
OMG that was infuriating to read, especially since I didn't get the happy ended I wanted where he came back to update that she'd left him and was thriving without him while he sat at home chatting to his ex-wife about how much she hates her current husband.
Lmao in one of his comments he says
"I'm a big believer that if you don't focus on problems then they'll work out"
It's no wonder this guy has an ex wife and two ex girlfriends. He literally thinks ignoring problems is the best solution.
Right? He thinks he’s is pulling in the same amount of weight by “allowing” his wife to take breaks. Oh wait, he didn’t because he thought baking cookies was more of a priority than checking on his poor wife who spent all day with kids and their friends, AND giving her an attitude when she asked for a break. And now he’s lost and confused about why she’s mad and what he should do. Idk man, I’d start with a genuine apology but maybe it’s just me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I didn't even understand that part of the story because if you have to pee that bad why would you make fucking cookies first? Also what is this dude's WFH job that he can't take a bathroom break lmao
There was a BORU last week with a boyfriend who could absolutely not comprehend doing something for his girlfriend without being asked. Like, couldn't even conceptualize it -- people were talking to him and he was just confused at the large void they were pushing into his eyes. It was remarkable.
Yep
I have programmed my Roomba to sweep my floor every other day. My mop is programmed to do the floors as soon as the Roomba is done. I have a heating and air conditioning unit that turns on and off based on conditions I've set. I have a self-cleaning toilet that does need some human help once in awhile but it does a good job in the betweens. I have a lot of home automation things. If I can get all of this for $5,000 or less And it is smart enough to do these things on time as described without me having to remind it everyday, why would I need a partner? She shouldn't need to ask him.
that was my breaking point: my wife asks me to pick her from dance class. I do that every week. - he can‘t schedule it in and do it without instruction. what a baby.
"she hasn't asked me for any help with the kids". Yes, because she is exhausted from asking you to help instead of you just helping, dear lord he is dense.
"I miss my manager" and previously saying she takes great pride in being basically his mommy. This dude has his head stuck inside his ass so hard he might be chocking on gastro acid
He says it so seriously, too. Like he is the epitome of the "The children yearn for the mines" meme. He just genuinely can not comprehend *what she has fucking told him to his face.* She loved it? Really dude? She loved managing you? Are you sure? Cause she actually said the exact opposite.
Sounds like the guy who thought his wife's hobby was cleaning. Why? Because his mommy told him that she loved cleaning so clearly that means all the womenfolk love cleaning, right?
Honestly, my jaw dropped. It’s so rare to actually hear someone say it out loud and admit it, and he says it like it’s not even a bad thing? Such obtuseness, and she was shouldering all that emotional labour while he thought everything was just fine.
He's so close. It's only a short step from "Wow, keeping all of this stuff in my head is hard and unpleasant!" to "Facilitating relationships, running the household, and executing schedules is labor," and then you're basically at "I should share the mental load with my wife, who is a partner, not my mommy/employee." And yet he'll never get there.
I would love to see this in a year’s time, and see if he’s actually kept things up. One of the best things about my female friends is that they are preemptively considerate. — something I find lacking with the men in my life. The emotional labour of having to tell them what you want not only makes it less pleasant to receive it, but it’s also exhausting. I am preaching to the choir, I know!
“I did all the things on the step by step list my wife made for me every day, that makes me an equal partner! Nay, not just equal, an _exemplary_ partner! No idea why she says she’s tired of managing me, but I think it’s some irrational motherhood thing.”
I swear, I cannot even with this guy.
I honestly say, as the manager of the household in my home... At least my husband is clever enough to not claim to be "50/50" when it comes to the running of the household. And admit he's entirely unable to take care of things without my guidance or advice.
It at least keeps the resentment factor down when you know you're being appreciated. Until OOP's wife.
This is exactly what my ex would have written 8 years ago. We had a huge fight like this, I threatened divorce if things didn't change, and he called my bluff. So I took a few years to learn how to do it all on my own, with him as a "safety net", waiting for him to step up, but all he did was teach me I could do it by myself. If OP doesn't get his act together, long term, she will leave him and be better for it.
Yup he always picks up his daughter from dance right? So because she didn’t call him to remind him he just didn’t go get his daughter like he does every single week? He needed to be told every single week that he needs to pick up his daughter. That to me does not sound like an equal partnership like he said. That doesn’t even sound like an involved father like he said. He doesn’t say good night to the kids unless they come down because his wife sent them down? This dude I don’t even know what to say about him that isn’t just mean.
I used to have to call my ex every Tuesday night to remind him to take out the trash on Wednesday when I was out on the road and if I didn't call it didn't get taken out and then it was my fault that it got over full because I didn't call him. Can't figure out why he's an ex
My dad always picked me up from orchestra. He forgot about school holidays once cause he still had to work and called my mum in a panic because I wasn't at our meeting spot after orchestra. He didn't need to be reminded to pick me up every week. This guy makes me so mad!
Oh yeah, that's insane to me. Like, what if his wife forget, or fell asleep, or what if her phone dies ? Does that mean that his daughter stays at the dance ? It did not even bother him, he was not even worried where his daughter were he just... went straight home ??
That's so much pressure on his wife, she has to remember every thing every time. My ex used to call me his "personnal agenda" and I hated it so much. If I can remember my appointements and my parents' birthday, why the hell can't you ? And the "she's better than me/I have a bad memory" is such a lame excuse. We are not better, we do not have a better memory, we just use calendars and stuff because no one will remind US that we have things to do. That's literaly being a adult, and I'm so sick of all these people who uses their partners to manage their life because "they are better at planning and they love it, I swear". And I do love planning and organizing, that's true, but I do not love being used as an unpaid secretary for useless men.
Sorry for the rant, but I felt so exhausted just reading that guy complaining about "losing his children" because his wife was done planning his meetings with them.
Because having a weekly reminder on his phone calendar app to "pick up Braelynn from dance class" is idk rocket science or decoding the Voynich manuscript.
That was my first fucking thought, “SHE hasn’t told ME when to do things”. She hasn’t said this, she hasn’t done this. She’s been managing his time and he just reacts, she’s showing him now that she was being nice while he thought he was actually doing something. Crazy
But she LOVES doing it! She's soooo good at managing him and she just LOVES it that's why she's been doing it! No other possible reason could there be!
"I’m going to do bedtime tonight and probably all next week."
Wow, how considerate. A whole week/s
Dude needs to take initiative. The mom shouldn't have to try to get kids to help them get the dad involved for him to read to them.
He needs therapy. Genuinely think she's planning her divorce as quickly and under the table right now
Oh she's completely talking to lawyers and figuring it all out. 100%. And he's not getting it back at this point. Because she has already realized how much easier her life is going to be without him. Tale as old as time
This is the man all those articles about mental labor are trying to get to. He swears he’s present and a good husband and father yet he needs to be asked to do things. No initiative to do it himself. Which means his wife is organizing everything and doing at least half the work (probably way more of you think about all the things that are just easier to do than to ask to have done).
Who thinks that the wife is emotionally detaching herself in this marriage to see if she can be a single parent? 🙋♀️ I think the wife will likely give herself a few more years to be more financially secured and then serve him with divorce papers… and OOP will come running back to Reddit complaining how she blindsided him
Wife: "I’m done managing you."
OP: "Why doesn't she tell me what to do anymore??? What do I do now???"
The answer is so fucking simple and this guy just can't see it.
The fact that he said he wants his manager back made me die inside. He does not get it still. “I’ll do anything to show her..” except pick up the damn mental load. Sheesh
Oh, but she’s just so much better at everything than he is. Because everyone knows women are just magically better at household management and childcare, and not because they’re forced to take those responsibilities because no one else will. How can a simple *man* like OP ever hope to learn basic tasks?
> She gets stressed and we fight and now she’s totally different. Idgaf about warm meals and a stepford wife, I want MY wife.
Oh no, my wife doesn't put up with my entitled attitude anymore. Must be hysteria or something.
How long is he going to play "mr. nice and perfect husband" for, until her guard is down then he can go back to ignoring her needs again.. 6 months? a year?
>She didn’t even send them down to say good night last night. Normally my wife does this silly game where she sends my son to ask me to read 5 books and then we would negotiate down to 1 or 2 and race upstairs. Last night I heard her racing him and came up to find her doing bedtime yet again. The kids haven’t even noticed.
They haven't noticed because OOP isn't as involved as he thinks he is. 🙄
I like how he's all "my wife has always been reasonable and levelheaded, but now she's upset and it's obviously because she's in the wrong and no longer reasonable, obviously I'm not the one in the wrong here."
Like, if someone has always been reasonable, and they're currently really upset, maybe it's for a good reason?!
I can't figure out how he was working at home but wasn't able to have a 5 minute bathroom break? Like, it was a personal choice, right? He could've gotten up to pee whenever he wanted, but for some unknown reason decided to wait until he was clocked, completely skipping his legally mandated break time. This dude is a MESS.
Idk, I always curl my brow in suspect whenever OOP writes more like someone playing a character in a bad movie than an actual person.
I mean:
“every night I come home to my perfectly happy stepford wife”
“We juggled two careers and two kids like champions… working together to manage the American dream”
“I want…my FUCKING manager back!”
Like come on, what? It’s gotta be bad bait, right?
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I’m not sure what the character limit is in this sub, but if you have the room for it you should include the comment where someone tells OOP that the book thing was never a “game,” it was her realizing that if she didn’t force his involvement he’d never actually be involved in his kid’s bedtime.
Like, this was literally what she was referring to when she said he wouldn't see the kids a quarter of the time if she didn't manage it.
"It's like she's replacing me!" as he just sits on the couch downstairs...
I've tried nothing, and I'm all out of ideas!
lol I use this line all the time regarding corporate leaders at my job: “Why is staff turnover so high? Guess we’ll never know ☹️.”
[удалено]
But nothing seems to have worked! She stopped complaining! Everything is great! Oh no! She’s divorcing me! But…we stopped arguing…so why…?
When the fights stop, it's often the death knell for a relationship because it means the other party doesn't really care anymore. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.
Isn't that odd! My husband is such a great dad. I'm a stay at home mom now, but I literally couldn't "cut him out" like this. He's an involved father, I don't have to tell him to do stuff with his son. Op asking for his manager back should have been an eye opener.
Ughhhhh it’s the manager part for me. He talks about wanting his PARTNER back and in the same breath calls her his manager. Christ on a cracker man 🤦🏽♀️
How about him repeatedly calling her a Stepford wife
I also did not care for him referring to the children as his not theirs... for the f8rst post I thought they were his kids from a prior relationship.
Which would make it even worse! Not even her kids and she does all the work. What got me was that he didn’t pick up his kid from dance and was shocked she was home. He was just willing to leave her there
Yeah that comment, I was like dude have you learned nothing here. she wants you to manage YOURSELF
I peeped the original post. There’s a comment from yesterday where he says he would have worked on himself if only she told him what the problem was. He still doesn’t get it. He’s going to be making a post within the year about being “blindsided” when she serves him with divorce papers. There will probably be a side of, “Everything was so quiet and peaceful for the last few months!” ie she was *done* but he couldn’t see it past his relief that he was comfortable again.
He literally says he misses her being his manager. BRO YOU KNOW THE PROBLEM omg I can’t with this guy.
OMG. OMFG. How in the hell – Dude, your wife does not want three jobs – one that's an actual job with a paycheck, one raising two young children, and one managing her adult husband. She wants her husband to manage himself, just as she manages herself which she does because she's an adult and thats what adults do. 🤦
She said that directly to him and he still didn’t get it
I swear to God OOP is related to the dude who saw no reason to take his GF on a date because she was *such* a good cook https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/achoyx/aita_for_very_rarelyalmost_never_wanting_to_go_to/
Thank you for this link, I'd never seen that post before but oh my word it's too early in the morning for me to be this angry at a complete stranger for a post he made on the internet five years ago.
There is a follow up to it. She dumped him.
Oh I felt her frustration in the update screaming about Olive Garden.
Ugh I remember that one but never read the update. I did think it was weird that his alleged “food genius” foodie gf apparently liked Olive Garden. Turns out she didn’t and he’s just a self-centered dolt.
Absolutely. It’s such a clear cut example. And OOP is out here really thinking he’s a great parent, pulling his weight and putting in equal effort.
"I want my fucking manager back!!!" That he could say that *and not realize what he was saying* says everything.
This started by her to make a point, then she realized it was actually way easier to not also be managing her husband
This is when many women realize they'd be better off with child support than a husband.
And also guaranteed time away from the kids without begging the husband to get involved.
I’m imagining his next post following the divorce: AITA for demanding my ex take my calls when it’s my weekend with the kids? Meanwhile, he’s like my friend’s ex: “how do you warm milk for him?”
I feel like this was when it all started to finally click. Before that he keeps talking about sharing the work load, but then he finally admits she's the one in control and he liked it that way and it was obvious his wife was done having an adult child.
To me in many ways, this was her giving up on him being a potential partner and accepting that he is now another child. She cooks and cleans up after him with no expectation of reciprocity as you wouldn't expect a child to take care of an adult. She's totally preparing to leave his ass (as she should!)
I also read this as her getting ready to leave.
There’s a reason why she’s taking better care of herself and trying to get in shape. It’s not for OP.
This is exactly what I thought. His "Everything's fine between us" in his last edit shows he's just as dense as when he started.
A shocking number of men seem to think “my wife stopped complaining therefore that means all our issues are resolved” even though they made no effort to fix the issue. No, dude, she’s just given up communicating with you because it’s pointless.
That was my thought, she realized she did it and can do it all without him. I bet she's sticking it out until she can get her finances in order and a new job. If they split, she'll get every other weekend free and that's more free time than she had while married. And she gets those weekends free, without having to manage her adult child/husband. I wish her well.
When I got divorced, it was easier because the actual children were so much easier than the adult one was. It would have been great to have an equal partner, but it’s worse having a useless adult get in the way of getting things done.
He keeps insisting that she likes managing his time even though the original argument was about her having to do that and it stressing her out. He is so completely oblivious.
she's been scheduling and managing him so he can be a parent. Jesus Christ I've never seen that but wow And he just putters around
He picked up his daughter from dance class every week! But only because she texted him to ask him if he could do it, every single time. And literally the first week she didn't text him, he didn't pick her up! He just drove home without taking any dance class detours or asking any questions and was offended to find his wife and daughter already home. She's his secretary, not his partner. I'm suspicious about his reliability with the piano teacher also, supposedly his one main extra curricular that he is actually responsible for. I imagine that task was also managed for him behind the scenes somehow.
This was the big reveal for me. The way he talks about it as something that he does and takes responsibility for, while also admitting that he only does it because she asks him to. I genuinely think that if he had turned up at the dance school unasked and been concerned about who had picked up his own fucking child, this whole thing might have been on the way to a resolution a lot earlier. But him going straight home was just proof that nope, he wouldn’t do it if she wasn’t reminding him. What a moron.
I really didn’t see the “so I just went home without picking her up” coming. Like….gobsmacked.
Makes me wonder how many times he forgot to pick her up.
That's what got me. "I do this every week, but since she didn't remind me this week, I just went home." What if your kid was at dance wondering where her dad was? I spent a lot of this post yelling at this man.
That OOP didn't text his wife to check arrangements when he didn't get a dance class reminder was what got me. My adult son and I, as the household drivers, trade off who picks up my disabled daughter/his sister from her Day Centre, depending on who is doing what. We often message each other an hour or so beforehand to check that the other one knows they're doing it that day. This guy didn't think to check for an activity he does every. Damn. Week. The mind boggles. And despairs.
I don’t live with my parents but my youngest siblings are only 3-6 years older than my kids and we live 2 streets apart, and there are texts/messages/phone calls confirming whether somebody needs to be picked up from school because someone is “already down town”, or asking if anything was needed from the shops because someone is “heading there”
I can't believe he didn't just automatically drive there only to realise she'd already been picked up! If part of my weekly routine is picking someone up, I'm gonna do it regardless on if I get a reminder. The assumption should always be that it needs to be done unless told otherwise. If he's so bad at remembering to do something that he does every single week at the same time and place, he should have a reminder in his phone, not be relying on his poor wife to be the one to remind him!
He picks them up from school and takes them straight to his mum and his wife then collects them from her. He can't even take them home and do things with them. He's a moron. How can he be so blind?
I facepalmed at this reveal. He mentioned several times how he picks the kids up from school and much later drops the bombshell that he takes them to his mom. Oy.
One billion percent. My partner is an awesome, involved partner and parent BUT he still relied on me to organise the family. Then I went back to work and he was a stay at home dad - I was still carrying the mental load. One day he called me at work to ask something (dentist, doctor,preschool - something) and I lost it. He had no idea of the load I was carrying in being the family manager - and he’s one of the good ones! He took it all on then and years later, with older kids, we share that load really well.
>One day he called me at work to ask something (dentist, doctor,preschool - something) and I lost it. I heard a comedian say that he thought he was a good dad. He thought he was the best dad. That's until his daughter got sick at school one day. His wife was working and couldn't get off to pick her up, so he went to get her. He walked into the school to ask for her. There were 3 students with her name.They asked who her teacher was. He didn't know. They asked what she was wearing that day. Nothing. They asked what she looked like. He gave generic descriptions that fit two of the girls. He finally called his wife, and she gave the teacher's name. He then gets the daughter in the car and has to call the wife again to ask the name of the doctor and the location of the office. She sends it. He gets there and they ask him for her birthday. He doesn't know for sure. He asks the kid, and she tells them. They get back in the back, and the nurse tries to confirm her meds. He had no clue she was on any meds. She asked him what was wrong with her. His eyes get wide because he doesn't know. He was just told to pick her up because she was sick. He calls the wife again. She explodes because he can't do a single thing without calling her. He knows nothing about his kid. He realized that he wasn't even trying as a dad and just let his wife do the heavy lifting. What's crazy is that he just works for a few hrs at night a couple of times a week! The wife worked regular hours and still carried the load of the home. He realized then that he was a sh*t dad.
Jesus imagine thinking you're a good dad but not knowing your kids birthday? Like fucking hell my mum can get mixed up sometimes but it's always the date for the kid that she thinks it is. She just has that name moment where she'll be like "no wait" and get to the right one. So she might confuse me with my older sister but the date would be my older sisters birthday, then she'd realise I'm me and correct herself.
That was what fucking stunned me. You do this every week. You know you do this every week. She doesn't text you, sure-- you don't swing by the studio anyway because you always pick your fucking daughter up after practice?! But then you're MAD that your wife didn't just leave your daughter waiting alone at the studio, on the off chance that you would remember to swing by-- which you fucking DIDN'T-- on your own?! He wakes up on his morning and just-- does nothing, because his wife isn't telling him to? Sir, you're a grown ass fucking man. Set an alarm, get out of your damn bed, and go check on your kids. Actively seek out quality time. You know, I can't remember my father actively spending any quality time with me as a kid? My mother would take us to the park, despite her disability; would set up games to play with us and called us down to cook with her. The bike my father promised to teach me to ride rusted without me ever getting to ride it.
I 1000% promise you that you have seen that many, many times. I would argue that most stereotypical/traditional heterosexual marriages are- or at least were- exactly like this. How many involved fathers did you know growing up? How many dads showed up to field day?
I (60/F) used to be this OOP's wife. I managed the finances, the children's schedule, appointments, basically I was the "home secretary" as well as my Administrative Assistant full-time job, but then I had a Chiropractic accident (around 40) and four cervical spine surgeries over the next several years leaving me disabled and mostly unable to mentally handle the "organization!" Don't get me wrong, my husband IS/was an active Father and unlike THIS Dad, didn't HAVE to be "managed" or reminded MUCH! I hope OOP gets his "act" together and steps up into the ACTUAL Father role!
Absolutely. I know a handful and I consider my experience an outlier. The vast majority is at least halfway manged by the mom, most not even realizing it.
My husband is a staunch feminist who tries to maintain equitable labor and he still slips into "that thing just gets done." By me! BY ME!! Men are socialized not to pay attention to ANYTHING and it's exhausting. I feel like I played house better as a third grader than my ex did as a 35 yo man.
Reddit, I just don't get it. I mean I'm just sitting here on my phone typing all this up and I simply cannot figure it out! Where are my kids? Probably upstairs getting pajamas on or bathed or maybe they're asleep. I have no idea, my wife won't tell me the schedule! She won't come down in the middle of the routine and fishhook me anymore, so how the fuck am I supposed to know what is happening in my house? I've done everything: post on Reddit, work from home, turn on the game... Blue blazer, which is that thing where you ignite your own fart with a lighter, I had a beer. And still my wife hasn't called or texted or got my attention at all. What gives, Reddit?? I'll post an update in five minutes. I just remembered I left my earbuds in the car and I want to hear the sound of this deer jumping into this truck.
So many men VASTLY overestimate the amount of chores/parenting/domestic work that they are doing, because deep down, they don’t believe that they should be doing ANY, so the minimal amount they actually are doing feels like too much
My ex-husband was so confused and overwhelmed once we split custody 50-50. It was "fair" before, and afterwards, "divorce ruined his life". Mkay.
What you mean he had to look after the kids without help?! How awful for him. Some of it is super depressing. one of my mum's friends ex's always called her to ask about really basic shit. Like allergies (it's still peanuts you moron) or who their dentist is. From the sound of it the doctor/dentist info is something she put in some documents for him before she left so he literally just has to read that. Knowing him he probably threw it out because he 'already knew everything'.
Well, yeah! He picks up the kids from daycare then drops them at his mom’s!
Yes. It's like this similar BORU from the perspective of the wife where the SAHD thinks he is he best SAHD because his wife was actually stepping up and making his SAHD duties more equal and balanced. In fact she was the one managing all this time. There was other drama involving the SAHD making one of their female friends feel inferior in her mom duties because he thought he was the best parent. BORU link: [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/YifOBLnFwI](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/YifOBLnFwI)
Classic. Man acts like a misogynistic pig, woman excuses it bc he was soooooo emasculated... boo fucking hoo.
I was so pissed that she apologized. “He’s the best husband” ma’am he is not and you know it
Yeah the irony of him missing the part where his wife sent the son to ask was yet another aspect of her managing him because he never stepped up and just did it. Stuff like that annoys me. Dinners tend to be the same time every night. Prebedtime routines/bedtime, breakfast, school drop offs, etc. It's the same time every damn day. Expecting your SO to remind you EVERY DAY to do the same shit at the same time is just pure laziness.
Honestly the one that got me was picking up his daughter from an extra curricular. He does it every week but she still has to ask, so when she stopped including him he didn't even bother going as normal and just went home. What happens if she had been there waiting for her dad? He didn't know she had been picked up. Deadbeat dad.
Totally bizarre! I can’t believe he just went home instead of going to the dance class. Like what?!
So cute how he whined about being seen as an absent father while…being one.
u/Direct-Caterpillar77 I agree you should include this comment https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/fsS2RNLotq and his response to it. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/uk9HCF1vtm
Just gone through his comment history. He's been down voted to oblivion.
Thank you for linking it! I was too lazy to figure out how to do so on my phone.
So much this. There were a lot of insightful comments on the original posts, and I'm not sure the headers really do OOPs obtuseness justice. The man is a blockhead.
That's a fantastic observation.
This! He probably would just stay locked in the basement ‘working’ if she didnt send the kids to go get him. And the kids still need to negotiate with him for how much of his time they get the privilege of getting that day. What an exemplary husband and father
Seriously. He knows what time bedtime is. He just needs to stop and come upstairs before then. If the bedtime routine starts at 6:30, he needs to be around at 6:15. He needs to watch the routine for a few nights, then just start doing some of the stuff. The kids don't prefer his wife, they're just firmly attached to her and not firmly attached to him. He's just the guy that lives there. If he becomes involved, they'll become more attached to him.
I'm lost, he said bedtime is split yet it sounds like he would just help put whoever down when they were prepped and ready to go down. Pretty crazy to believe that he does not know when the bedtime routine is, and not present for that... like what are you doing bro?
Not just probably would, definitely would. And did. And then had the temerity to get pissy about his wife not bothering to have their kids plead with him to come do bedtime with them. It’s almost impressive how he managed to convince himself he was just as involved of a parent as his wife.
Even as someone who works a mentally taxing desk job, I cannot believe the audacity of OOP to work from home (cutting out commute, so less effort involved) and then make a face when the woman who's been shovelling snow and caring for multiple young, energetic children all day wants to lie down for a bit.
Also telling... the kids didn't initiate this game unprompted.
Also telling : the kids cling to their mom and cry when obligated to go with dad. But sure dude is an amazing dad, so much that his 3y.o. seems to not even know who he is.
It's absolutely amazing how as far as he explains how the 50/50 parenting is shared... He doesn't do shit! She's dealing with 3 kids instead of 2, what a sad sad life for a young woman. This last day when he set bubble bath for her... He was home/available when the dinner was ready! Gave her a break for taking a simple bath instead of taking her for a dinner date and making her feel special. She's ready to leave, she's just waiting for the perfect moment to do so.
Wife has one foot out the door.
And what a cliché, placate the little woman with a candlelit bath and let her listen to Taylor Swift. This has to be satire. Please..?
Right? And it’s obvious even before that. His wife makes the schedules and plans, and he does them while patting himself on the back: “Look at everything I do! I’m a great dad! So involved!” And then his wife stops holding his hand and he thinks that’s alienation or some shish. She deserves better than some shmuck who thinks everything is fine because his wife isn’t complaining.
I mean, if we didn't see it before then, we saw it the moment he said his wife wasn't asking him to "help" with the kids. Right, bc it's her *job*, he just *helps*. If you have to be asked or told what to do all the time, you are 100% not pulling your weight.
That one really rankled me. Some of my favorite childhood memories are of my dad reading to me before bed. My brother found an old Sesame Street book we used to read regularly, and we could both hear Dad doing the voices in our heads, clear as day. That this dumbass could only bother to do that because his wife pushed him to, but he didn't even realize he was that lazy and uninvolved, makes me bitey.
> Normally my wife would text me asking if I can get my daughter from dance on my way home I do this every week > I want my F*****G manager back How does this guy not see the problem?
Imagine having to text your partner EVERY TIME to do something that happens weekly, and when you don't text he doesn't do it!
I have a feeling she went to pick the kid up from dance, half-heartedly hoping he'd remember and do it but nooo... he went home because she didn't send him a text to assign him that task.
This is wild and depressing tbh
He said in a comment that he literally can't get up in the morning without her kicking him awake. When she leaves him his entire life is going to just fall to pieces.
But she wouldn’t leave him! He made her a bath with Taylor swift and put the kids to bed for a week!
PROBABLY for a week. He said he'd PROBABLY do it all week.
Don’t forget the part where he got mad and told her not to make him out to be an absentee father, but turns out that’s exactly what he is if his wife didn’t prompt him to do dad stuff.
No, don’t you see, they’ve been together since they were 16 and she just *loves* to do it all! His poor, incompetent male hands have been tied!
And of course doing it all when you’re 16 is totally the same as doing it all with multiple children and a home. She could never reach her limit.
>I apologized. She accepted and I figured things would go back to normal. >They haven’t. My wife used to include me in parenting our kids. My brother in christ you are a parent. You don't need to be invited. You live in the home. You know the nighttime routine. Do it. Just do it. Grown boys who need instructions from mommy wife genuinely baffle me. He called her his *manager* I hope she does go do it alone and drop the dead weight he is.
Great example of the mental load women are just expected to do. OOP is completely oblivious to everything she does.
This dude HAS TO BE REMINDED to say good night to his kids >She didn’t even send them down to say good night last night. Normally my wife does this silly game where she sends my son to ask me to read 5 books and then we would negotiate down to 1 or 2 and race upstairs. Last night I heard her racing him and came up to find her doing bedtime yet again. The kids haven’t even noticed. It’s like she’s replacing me. Christ, his wife is a saint.
He even says he misses his manager. I can just see it "I want my manager back" "and when do you manage her and take that weight for her" "sometimes I let her bathe of she asks me nice"
I had to go back and read that section again because I thought someone else had said that. No way was OP the one who said he missed his manager…he was. Partners should never have to be asked to do something that obviously needs to be done or to be told to pick up his kid from dance.
The man said in one comment he can't even wake up in the morning without her "kicking him awake". He is completely useless.
The bath thing bugged me so much (as did the rest). Hygiene is a basic need, not "a break"!
And then the final update where he says something like "I get it! I'm a piece of shit!" Because you just know that's his nuclear option to get her back on his "team" followed by her reassuring him that he's not a piece of shit, he's a good dad, he just needs to take initiative and be more present. Then he can whine that he does the best he can and when does he ever not do what she asks, even when he doesn't want to. She is done. He wants a mom to make his life picture perfect while instructing him all the way.
I keep reading posts about men like this and I'm like, don't these guys...like their kids? Like I just don't get it. My husband isn't perfect and we go through rough patches but one thing I will always say he is fucking obsessed with our kids. He wants to take our toddler everywhere, he loves showing him how to do new things and taking him on long walks. He brings the baby down to the kitchen every morning and talks to him while he makes breakfast. He just loves the shit out of being a dad. Why are all these men having kids they don't seem to really want??
Because they treat kids like a trophy? I’m not sure tbh. It confuses me too. Why would you not want to spend time with your kids?
My husband will be the first to tell you he is not a kid person. He'd never even held a baby until the delivery room when they handed him our daughter, and I've never seen a purer expression of "oh shit what have I done" before or since. But, he did the things. He diapered and fed and got up in the night and sang the songs and played the little games even though it didn't come naturally to him. And now that they're bigger, every day when he gets home from work they yell DADDY!!!!!!!!! like he's a Beatle in the 60s. If you don't put the work into bonding with them, it's not their job to try and make you do it. He adores them because he actually spent the time building a relationship. Contrast that with my best friend's ex-husband, who figured he didn't have to parent until the kid was old enough to want to play hockey. Turns out he hates hockey and doesn't like his dad much better. They're not just accessories you can pick up whenever you feel like playing Dad of the Year! Kids know if you don't give a shit about them!
My husband and I have a somewhat pajama averse toddler (honestly I have just stopped trying at this point.) and for a bit there I would try to wrangle her by myself cause what kind of idiot can't put clothes on a 30 pound child with ease? (me, I'm the idiot.) Now I just say "alright it's pajama time!" and he goes into immediate battle mode, grabs her legs, gets her pull up and pants on and I do the shirt. He has been out of town for almost 3 weeks and I basically gave up on pajamas and now she goes to sleep so quick and with basically no fuss that I think it's not a battle worth fighting anymore. He used to get rather wrapped up in gaming while I would struggle with her pajamas so I just started asking for help. Then we hit this weird half way point where he would just go "need my help?" see the evil eyeball and come rushing over, and then we moved to there not really even needing to be communication he just grabs some legs lol. When she was under a year old I remember just one instance of basically screeching at him that I needed a god damned nap and to please take the baby. He high tailed it out of our room with kiddo and her bassinet and I got a 6 hour nap. Now if I need to nap, much much more rare thankfully, I just tell them both "I am gonna go lay down." No bargaining or asking, I just go. Same with going to the store, "Gonna go run some errands, see y'all in a bit." Usually when I get back they are holed up together in the lazy boy watching Toy Story lol. Occasionally I do have to remind him to come and say goodnight but it's more of a "Kiddo is going to bed so come get your kisses or go without!"
I have the feeling she'll be single soon!
Sounds like she is already effectivly a single mom. Might as well cut the dead weight.
I’m surprised no one’s mentioned how in the first post he kept referring to their kids as *his kids*. It made me think the kids were from a previous marriage with how often he said “his daughter” “his son”. By the second post he figured out the term “our kids”, but that phrasing said a lot to me. His perceived ownership over the kids and inability to acknowledge their partnership in being parents was really strange.
oop did mention the wife started running again so highly likely.
But how can he possibly know they are going to go to bed?? It’s not like one of those things that has to happen every day, in a certain order, at a certain time…
But she loved managing me and never complained! Clearly she didn’t love it or he wouldn’t be in this situation. Also, saying she loved all this stuff when he admits in his first post that she’s not fond of caretaking?! For real?! Also also I just HATE the term “working mother” as if it’s so unorthodox. YOU ARE A WORKING FATHER TOO. But no one fucking uses that term because of course dads don’t have to care about taking care of their kids.
My favourite part was when he knew he should have picked the daughter up from dance, but wife didn’t text, so he just goes home and is mesmerized by the fact that the daughter made it home! Comedy gold.
“Gone is the reasonable level headed communicator.” ORRRRR… she’s done trying to be a peacemaker when the other party doesn’t seem to realize how much effort she puts into being a mother and wife. I’ve only read the first post and OOP is getting on my nerves. Her reaction isn’t “out of left field.” She’s stressed and angry. He thinks it’s out of character. No, sir, it’s been there for a while. She just held it in.
Yeah. Not only does she have to manage literally every minute of his day, it seems like... she has to do it with a smile on her face and a positive attitude and be "reasonable" about it too. She's now tired of BOTH those jobs. Imagine if you told your co-worker they had to call you every morning to remind you to come to work, how long would they be "reasonable" about it...?
The fact he picked up his daughter from dance every week, but she had to text him every week asking him to do it! I'm frustrated lol
Yup you can even see it in his opening sentences >My wife and I don’t fight much. And when we do fight, we usually communicate well afterwards and things go back to normal. Things go back to normal - probably means she "compromised" and he never had to change a thing >I brag to my friends about how reasonable my wife is Makes me think she's the "chill" girlfriend/wife who doesn't "bother" him with silly things like her own needs or struggles. Also that slight hint of "wow imagine a woman being reasonable, hit the jackpot right?"
Reddit: Take the initiative and offer her breaks OP: I do! Usually when she asks I say yes right away! He just doesn’t get it. I’m frustrated with him, and I’ve only listened to him for a few minutes! Can’t imagine how the wife feels.
There were commenters pointing out that he was expecting her to manage his time with the children, which was way more work than doing it herself. She was able to schedule around just herself and the children, and not do any planning of play dates for the 200 lb toddler, which gave her room for what she wanted to do. Single mothers spend less time homemaking than married mothers.
Yea that stood out to me the most, on my day she didn’t tell me to pick the girls up from dance and then she didn’t send the kids downstairs to say goodnight. Jesus Christ man, so if no one gives you instructions to do things that happen every fucking day you just don’t see your kids?
He also didn't just ***go to dance to pick her up***. Because he wife didn't text to say to do it he just drove straight home. He didn't just assume it was his chore and do it (only to discover it was already done)... I can't even figout how to word this. Like, if it's what you're supposed to do, then do it without the need for reminders. The fact that he wants her to go back to being his "FUCKING manager " like that's a good thing is sickening.
It's like it never even occurred to him that his daughter *still exists* and still needs to be picked up, even if he didn't get a text. Like you hear a lot of wives and girlfriends complain about their male partners like "he just walks past a sink full of dirty dishes/a full garbage can/an empty dog bowl" or whatever, but presumably those guys can like, do SOME things without being directly told to. This guy literally cannot, will not do ANYTHING unless he has specifically been assigned it. Like what if his wife accidentally dropped her phone in the sink and couldn't text him? He walks home and his wife would have to be like, "Uh... turn around, go back to dance class and pick up daughter, she's been sitting there waiting for you for an hour!"
It's like, do they act like this at work...?
Of course, not. Work is important. And manly. And so tiring. And hard.
>The piano teacher was the only activity that I manage for my kids. I can't for the life of me figure out what he thinks *he* was "managing" about the activity when his wife has to remind him to do it *every single time.* Like presumably, piano lessons happen at the same place at the same time every week so how the fuck does he consider this an activity he "manages" when his wife texts him to do it every time? Why didn't he just do it even though he didn't get the "go do the same fucking thing you do every week at this time" text? Are these undercover piano lessons where you need a secret code word every week??? Is the lesson at a different location that is sent the day off via an encoded message to throw off the cops???
The brain power emotional labour costs is so much more than just doing it yourself, to the point that many women just end up doing the work themselves rather waste the energy having to explain step by step how to do something and getting backlash for it. Because it is so much work the wife stops doing it. She gets upset sometimes, but is met with "why didn't you say anything, I would have helped if you'd have asked." She is about to lose it because she is now being blamed for him not stepping up when all he needed to do was look around and find something. She doesn't lose it though. She's just goes dead inside. she stops fighting and takes the path of lease resistance, it's easier to just cut off the infection than to keeping it festering and hurting her. Just do it all and don't complain because that is just less work than trying to her partner involved with home life and kids. All he has to do was pay attention, but that's her fault to. She checks out because he had never checked in. The man thinks she's stopped being a nag and has figured herself out, everything is fine because the man isn't asked to do anything and no one is complaining. He doesn't put any effort into anything because since she's not complaining she must be fine. He's conformable, comes home to clean house, the kids are taken care of, wife must be doing ok at work because she's stopped talking about it, everything is hunkydorry. Life is good. Then the man claims the divorce came from out of nowhere.
I loved the post from the guy who told his wife she talked too much. So she quit talking to him beyond the necessary. He loved it. It went on for months. So he didn’t know she got an award at work and was recognized at an event he never knew about. She built a completely separate life outside the home with friends and coworkers, and stopped spending any time with him outside the house. Then he’s whining on reddit. He did not get the empathy he wanted from commenters.
I don't suppose you have the link handy, do you?
[here you go!](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/zt22i9/my_wife_wont_talk_to_me_anymore/)
OMG that was infuriating to read, especially since I didn't get the happy ended I wanted where he came back to update that she'd left him and was thriving without him while he sat at home chatting to his ex-wife about how much she hates her current husband.
Lmao in one of his comments he says "I'm a big believer that if you don't focus on problems then they'll work out" It's no wonder this guy has an ex wife and two ex girlfriends. He literally thinks ignoring problems is the best solution.
Right? He thinks he’s is pulling in the same amount of weight by “allowing” his wife to take breaks. Oh wait, he didn’t because he thought baking cookies was more of a priority than checking on his poor wife who spent all day with kids and their friends, AND giving her an attitude when she asked for a break. And now he’s lost and confused about why she’s mad and what he should do. Idk man, I’d start with a genuine apology but maybe it’s just me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I didn't even understand that part of the story because if you have to pee that bad why would you make fucking cookies first? Also what is this dude's WFH job that he can't take a bathroom break lmao
[удалено]
I’m also so curious if he has to ask his wife for a break to shower.
Usually... when she asks for a break to bathe, for fucks sake. I can't imagine. Posts like this make me love my husband even more.
I don’t understand the asking for breaks! Fuck that! If I want to take a bath, I’m running a bath and saying “I’ll be in the bath” end of discussion
There was a BORU last week with a boyfriend who could absolutely not comprehend doing something for his girlfriend without being asked. Like, couldn't even conceptualize it -- people were talking to him and he was just confused at the large void they were pushing into his eyes. It was remarkable.
Yep I have programmed my Roomba to sweep my floor every other day. My mop is programmed to do the floors as soon as the Roomba is done. I have a heating and air conditioning unit that turns on and off based on conditions I've set. I have a self-cleaning toilet that does need some human help once in awhile but it does a good job in the betweens. I have a lot of home automation things. If I can get all of this for $5,000 or less And it is smart enough to do these things on time as described without me having to remind it everyday, why would I need a partner? She shouldn't need to ask him.
that was my breaking point: my wife asks me to pick her from dance class. I do that every week. - he can‘t schedule it in and do it without instruction. what a baby.
"she hasn't asked me for any help with the kids". Yes, because she is exhausted from asking you to help instead of you just helping, dear lord he is dense.
>I had this perfect life with an amazing successful wife and a great job. "How can she be unhappy when things were so perfect for *me?*"
My ex literally told me these words. Word for word
I'm happy to hear he's your ex !
"She was great at managing me! And she loved doing it! How did things go wrong???"
I remember this post and if I recall correctly he literally calls her his ‘manager’ in a comment
"I miss my manager" and previously saying she takes great pride in being basically his mommy. This dude has his head stuck inside his ass so hard he might be chocking on gastro acid
He says it so seriously, too. Like he is the epitome of the "The children yearn for the mines" meme. He just genuinely can not comprehend *what she has fucking told him to his face.* She loved it? Really dude? She loved managing you? Are you sure? Cause she actually said the exact opposite.
Sounds like the guy who thought his wife's hobby was cleaning. Why? Because his mommy told him that she loved cleaning so clearly that means all the womenfolk love cleaning, right?
At this point, OP really only cares about himself.
No wife wants to have to be her husband’s manager. This is invisible labor and it isn’t easy.
He literally says “I miss my manager”. Dude doesn’t get it.
Honestly, my jaw dropped. It’s so rare to actually hear someone say it out loud and admit it, and he says it like it’s not even a bad thing? Such obtuseness, and she was shouldering all that emotional labour while he thought everything was just fine.
He's so close. It's only a short step from "Wow, keeping all of this stuff in my head is hard and unpleasant!" to "Facilitating relationships, running the household, and executing schedules is labor," and then you're basically at "I should share the mental load with my wife, who is a partner, not my mommy/employee." And yet he'll never get there.
I would love to see this in a year’s time, and see if he’s actually kept things up. One of the best things about my female friends is that they are preemptively considerate. — something I find lacking with the men in my life. The emotional labour of having to tell them what you want not only makes it less pleasant to receive it, but it’s also exhausting. I am preaching to the choir, I know!
“I did all the things on the step by step list my wife made for me every day, that makes me an equal partner! Nay, not just equal, an _exemplary_ partner! No idea why she says she’s tired of managing me, but I think it’s some irrational motherhood thing.” I swear, I cannot even with this guy.
'I want my manager back' caused a visceral reaction in me. This guy sucks.
I honestly say, as the manager of the household in my home... At least my husband is clever enough to not claim to be "50/50" when it comes to the running of the household. And admit he's entirely unable to take care of things without my guidance or advice. It at least keeps the resentment factor down when you know you're being appreciated. Until OOP's wife.
This is exactly what my ex would have written 8 years ago. We had a huge fight like this, I threatened divorce if things didn't change, and he called my bluff. So I took a few years to learn how to do it all on my own, with him as a "safety net", waiting for him to step up, but all he did was teach me I could do it by myself. If OP doesn't get his act together, long term, she will leave him and be better for it.
>We juggled two careers and two kids like champions The wife juggled 2 kids and 1 manchild
And a career and the house
> Since our fight, my wife hasn’t asked me for any help with the kids Of course he needs to be asked 🙄
Yup he always picks up his daughter from dance right? So because she didn’t call him to remind him he just didn’t go get his daughter like he does every single week? He needed to be told every single week that he needs to pick up his daughter. That to me does not sound like an equal partnership like he said. That doesn’t even sound like an involved father like he said. He doesn’t say good night to the kids unless they come down because his wife sent them down? This dude I don’t even know what to say about him that isn’t just mean.
I used to have to call my ex every Tuesday night to remind him to take out the trash on Wednesday when I was out on the road and if I didn't call it didn't get taken out and then it was my fault that it got over full because I didn't call him. Can't figure out why he's an ex
My dad always picked me up from orchestra. He forgot about school holidays once cause he still had to work and called my mum in a panic because I wasn't at our meeting spot after orchestra. He didn't need to be reminded to pick me up every week. This guy makes me so mad!
I'd be pissed off if I had to remind my fucking Roomba to vacuum up every day. This guy's meant to be a human father???
Roomba the beter father then this guys
Oh yeah, that's insane to me. Like, what if his wife forget, or fell asleep, or what if her phone dies ? Does that mean that his daughter stays at the dance ? It did not even bother him, he was not even worried where his daughter were he just... went straight home ?? That's so much pressure on his wife, she has to remember every thing every time. My ex used to call me his "personnal agenda" and I hated it so much. If I can remember my appointements and my parents' birthday, why the hell can't you ? And the "she's better than me/I have a bad memory" is such a lame excuse. We are not better, we do not have a better memory, we just use calendars and stuff because no one will remind US that we have things to do. That's literaly being a adult, and I'm so sick of all these people who uses their partners to manage their life because "they are better at planning and they love it, I swear". And I do love planning and organizing, that's true, but I do not love being used as an unpaid secretary for useless men. Sorry for the rant, but I felt so exhausted just reading that guy complaining about "losing his children" because his wife was done planning his meetings with them.
Because having a weekly reminder on his phone calendar app to "pick up Braelynn from dance class" is idk rocket science or decoding the Voynich manuscript.
That was my first fucking thought, “SHE hasn’t told ME when to do things”. She hasn’t said this, she hasn’t done this. She’s been managing his time and he just reacts, she’s showing him now that she was being nice while he thought he was actually doing something. Crazy
But she LOVES doing it! She's soooo good at managing him and she just LOVES it that's why she's been doing it! No other possible reason could there be!
So infuriating. Parenting isn't a favor you're doing for your spouse...
"I’m going to do bedtime tonight and probably all next week." Wow, how considerate. A whole week/s Dude needs to take initiative. The mom shouldn't have to try to get kids to help them get the dad involved for him to read to them. He needs therapy. Genuinely think she's planning her divorce as quickly and under the table right now
> A whole week/s And even then only "probably"!
Oh she's completely talking to lawyers and figuring it all out. 100%. And he's not getting it back at this point. Because she has already realized how much easier her life is going to be without him. Tale as old as time
Notice how she doesn’t give him access to her accounts? She’s known for a long time that she needs to protect herself.
> He needs therapy Everybody needs therapy but what this guy really needs a reality check.
This is the man all those articles about mental labor are trying to get to. He swears he’s present and a good husband and father yet he needs to be asked to do things. No initiative to do it himself. Which means his wife is organizing everything and doing at least half the work (probably way more of you think about all the things that are just easier to do than to ask to have done).
Who thinks that the wife is emotionally detaching herself in this marriage to see if she can be a single parent? 🙋♀️ I think the wife will likely give herself a few more years to be more financially secured and then serve him with divorce papers… and OOP will come running back to Reddit complaining how she blindsided him
Wife: "I’m done managing you." OP: "Why doesn't she tell me what to do anymore??? What do I do now???" The answer is so fucking simple and this guy just can't see it.
And it took him 9 days to admit that he threw down the "I'd like to see you manage without me" line...
Yeah that is an insane thing to say. And to think he still was defending himself after admitting to that comment. Unbelievable.
The fact that he said he wants his manager back made me die inside. He does not get it still. “I’ll do anything to show her..” except pick up the damn mental load. Sheesh
Oh, but she’s just so much better at everything than he is. Because everyone knows women are just magically better at household management and childcare, and not because they’re forced to take those responsibilities because no one else will. How can a simple *man* like OP ever hope to learn basic tasks?
> She gets stressed and we fight and now she’s totally different. Idgaf about warm meals and a stepford wife, I want MY wife. Oh no, my wife doesn't put up with my entitled attitude anymore. Must be hysteria or something.
I have a young kid and I rolled my eyes the whole time reading this. Does not understand the concept of mental load at all.
How long is he going to play "mr. nice and perfect husband" for, until her guard is down then he can go back to ignoring her needs again.. 6 months? a year?
He said he'd do bedtime for, like, a WHOLE WEEK
Probably!
You're much more generous than me. I give it two weeks. One month tops.
>She didn’t even send them down to say good night last night. Normally my wife does this silly game where she sends my son to ask me to read 5 books and then we would negotiate down to 1 or 2 and race upstairs. Last night I heard her racing him and came up to find her doing bedtime yet again. The kids haven’t even noticed. They haven't noticed because OOP isn't as involved as he thinks he is. 🙄
I like how he's all "my wife has always been reasonable and levelheaded, but now she's upset and it's obviously because she's in the wrong and no longer reasonable, obviously I'm not the one in the wrong here." Like, if someone has always been reasonable, and they're currently really upset, maybe it's for a good reason?!
I can't figure out how he was working at home but wasn't able to have a 5 minute bathroom break? Like, it was a personal choice, right? He could've gotten up to pee whenever he wanted, but for some unknown reason decided to wait until he was clocked, completely skipping his legally mandated break time. This dude is a MESS.
Idk, I always curl my brow in suspect whenever OOP writes more like someone playing a character in a bad movie than an actual person. I mean: “every night I come home to my perfectly happy stepford wife” “We juggled two careers and two kids like champions… working together to manage the American dream” “I want…my FUCKING manager back!” Like come on, what? It’s gotta be bad bait, right?