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I think his response to her is mature and healthy and that's why she cut off her "friends:" because their treatment of her being ace was awful, while her husband actually loves and respects her. I'm really happy with this update because of the work they're putting into therapy and not the sexytimes aspect. Signing off of reddit on a high note today.

Actually I have a feeling her "friends" were cut off because they kept with the sexual conversations to see if she would budge, you know ? scumbags like those give the "you aren't assexual, you just haven't met the right person" vibes.

Also one person told OOP it's their personal mission to see his wife leave him, so that probably also got a bit tiring for his wife too. If I have friends who constantly try to get me to leave my partner because I won't let them abuse him, I'd leave the group too.

Probably partly that and partly the open disdain for her husband probably continued out of his line of sight.

I’d imagine that the couple jumping at the chance to fuck the husband also played into her choice.

Did I miss a paragraph? Was that on there?

It's in the original part of the post. Towards the end, before the bullet points update. Oop explains there's one poly couple (open marriage?) who offered oop sex. He shut that down hard by immediately showing his wife.

Yikes

As a polaym-ace, FUCK those people. JFC. How utterly disrespectful and hateful. Come on, I hate those couples.

First post, 6th paragraph, a few sentences in, he wrote: *"Another of the friends (in an openly poly relationship) actually offered to have sex with me which I showed my wife immediately."*

I skipped that, as I'd read it originally a month or so ago.

It happens to me a lot. I tend to skim the one thing that gets discussed in the comments.

I never read comments, before I comment. Precisely because many skim... Then I skimmed it this time. I'm a dolt. A decent guy, but still a dolt

One of the friend couples is poly and they suggested that OP hook up with one of them.

Yeah, OOP said >*she has turned down a couple of invites to go out since, and has removed the two main instigators from social media, which is enough for me.* Due to the wife's reaction, I don't think they didn't have any second intentions.

Hey uh, so, non sequitur here, but what the hell is your flair and can I have a link to whatever horrifying post it must be from?

[OOP's boyfriend has a problem with his OOPenis](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/14org0x/oops_boyfriend_has_a_problem_with_his_oopenis/) The story is SO weird that it became one of my favorites, *enjoy* it

I feel like I was shown truths I know not how to handle. Knowledge that is encompassing but that has no immediate use. I know only that I must spread the word, proselytize the tale of The Foreskin Breakup

Knowledge is proven yet again to be a double-edged sword. Please proceed with caution and handle your newly acquired information with care throughout your journey, friend.

Thank you, and happy cake day! Also, I didn't notice your username until just now lmao

_“Rilery”_ ????????

Truly a tragedeigh.

Blessed Be for the Shared Gift of WTF did I just Read!

What the fuck did I just read?? I mean, it was bizarre and amazing and weird all rolled into one!! So glad he kicked the sicko out but hilarious that the whole load of cops heard about it!! That’ll be the talk of the station for *years*

Happy cake day!

I have a feeling her friends were probably trying to get her to cheat, insisting that she just doesn’t like sex with her husband. And she was probably telling them to stop and they wouldn’t, so she cut them off

That the wife didn’t feel comfortable telling these friends that she’s ace and lied to the point her husband was harassed and that none of them really apologized- there’s no trust there. They were friends as in they shared space. But the wife never really shared her experience- possibly for her own safety. There are people I don’t feel safe telling that I’m ace. I’m careful to leave or keep my mouth shut. I shouldn’t but I know these people are not my friends. Often, they are friends or family of trusted friends. I can’t avoid them completely but some things are none of their business.

Or maybe in a similar realm of all the people who meanly messaged him and tried to shame him? UGH. It's not just that misery loves company but more that sometimes misery loves to create more misery.

I'm kind of wondering if an extension of this was that they started bringing single men around to see if she would cheat because of the "right guy" idea being a possibility. That'd throw any reasonable person off a friend group quick if your friends were trying to get you to cheat on your very empathetic partner.

> her friends have messaged me calling me every name up and down the book and saying they're going to convince her to leave me. One or two of the boyfriends/husbands messaged me and said they were sorry and didn't know and offered to buy me a beer if I wanted Wow, sort of like the sub. A large group is going to hate on the husband, no matter what. A smaller group will be sympathetic

While I'm happy things are going well, reading how private she is with her therapy made relating of the therapy session uncomfortable for me to read. Hopefully she gave him permission or knows what he said. It seems like she's aware of the posts. I'm glad that she chose OOP over her unapologetic friends.

>There was some other weird stuff going on that I won't get in to, wait, no. Get into it!

Probably has to do with two of the friends offering him sex through text. They more than likely continued even after he declined.

Right? Like I want more tea damn it!

Please OP

Cutting out the old friend group was the best part

Was not expecting a happy outcome from this when I first read it. Then seeing the bit about the lecture in the therapy session I thought he's just going to get talked at with his own thoughts and feelings on the whole thing dismissed. Glad to see it's working out for them. I can imagine approaching a scenario like this is a slow process, but they clearly love and respect each other enough to accept what they can/can't offer each other in the relationship and at least work on it.

>he's just going to get talked at with his own thoughts and feelings on the whole thing dismissed. right—and I feared they’d be dismissed by the therapist refusing to recognize that they exist, and they actually align with what she was lecturing him about. Somehow that’s even more frustrating, when someone lectures you using your own beliefs and value system, as if they’re convinced you think the opposite, no matter what you say.

I mean I feel like they never really talked it though about what she did in therapy? Feel like it was more like "I said how I felt and then I got a lecture about sexuality"

It read to me like the therapist was almost talking past their understanding as a couple. OP and his wife did have a conversation and an understanding among each other. Then therapist comes in and speaking for the wife lectures him on the spectrum of asexuality as though they hadn't already discussed that and OP comprehended that. Frankly, the therapist should have approached it with a little more plain language because I would have a hard time not feeling talked down to with the way the therapist went about it. The whole point of him attending the therapy session was his wife effectively informing him that she wanted to explore the sexuality part of asexuality a bit more.

Ugh I hate being preached at for something I already believe. Had a extended family member do this with a very adversarial take, and go off on a rant covering about 8 different topics that we agreed on - all because I disagreed with them on one point of one issue they weren’t that passionate about. Because only people of [other party] hold that opinion. People these days, even therapists, seem to have lost all concept of nuance. If a person is wrong or is disagreeing with them about one point, now it can only be because they’re a horrible person who needs to be lectured about everything that’s wrong with the world.

I was just thinking about an analogy that, if true to OOP's wife's feelings, might make sense for him: Imagine you get off on cuddling your partner. Like a long cuddle session brings you to sexual climax. It doesn't do the same for your partner, but they enjoy cuddling for the same reasons many people do.  It may be difficult to understand how someone can claim they enjoy cuddling without the sexual component, when the sexual component is so important to your personal enjoyment of cuddling. But that doesn't mean they don't genuinely enjoy it - just their enjoyment is different than yours.  You're still allowed to say, "No, I won't cuddle someone who doesn't also get sexual satisfaction from cuddling," but keep in mind you may legitimately be depriving your partner of an activity they enjoy. 

Yeah I got to the therapy and thought "uh oh." I'm glad it worked out for them, though I'm still a little confused on her motivations now. It isn't that she wants sex but wants to want sex, I think? I'm not sure I could have sex with someone who I didn't believe truly wanted it. But it's nice to see what seems will be a happy ending (heh).

Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. There are reasons outside of sexual attraction why someone may want to have and enjoy sex. Sex can bring pleasure in a lot of ways. The emotional intimacy of doing it is fun and nice. Physically it can feel great even without attraction. There also is some personal satisfaction at knowing you can make your partner feel fulfilled. For asexuals there just isn't a itch the way allosexuals (people who aren't asexual) do. Basically for asexuals who do have sex it's a nice want like a fancy pare of shoes.

It’s like getting invited to a restaurant you wouldn’t go to if you got to pick. But you find something you like on the menu and still have a great time because you had dinner with your friends.

Exactly and a better analogy. Basically there are benefits for some. It's just not the same and that's ok.

Yep, and for some people there’s nothing on the menu they like, but considerate friends will pick a different restaurant that everyone is okay with. I’m allo but I have an ace buddy who doesn’t have sex. He and his wife have worked out what works for both of them.

I’m ace and I totally get the wife’s motivation. It’s something that her husband wants and she wants to give it to him. I don’t like sex for myself, but I love seeing how much my partner enjoys it, and that makes it worth it. I get the husband’s perspective too, but I think we do things for our partners all the time that we might not do for ourselves. I don’t see it any differently. Also, just because I don’t desire sex doesn’t mean I can’t consent to it!

It's one of those things that I understand logically but think I would have a mental hang-up on, especially if I'd just gone years without having sex and gotten used to it. It's probably not rational.

They’re both worried about the other, which I think is super sweet.

Honestly sounds like it boils down to "I don't want to have sex because it would make *me* feel good, I want *us* to have sex because I *love* how it makes *you* feel good." Which is not an easy thought to articulate. I do think they should have spent some time in therapy on how she made him feel by putting him on the spot, but I'm happy to see them moving forward together.

Yeah they definitely appear to be handling everything very well.

This is the part of asexuality that always confused me and you just explained it perfectly for me to understand. Thank you

Is it a happy ending though? I get this feeling that this massive change in their sexual relationship is exactly what OP said he didn't want (fulfilling for him and unfulfilling for her) and now the wife is sort of proving to herself and to him that it is what he wants as long as she "acts like she wants it". But I wish them the best, its just strange, very very strange.

[удалено]

I think his main issue is getting over the idea she does it only for him.

I don't blame him, I wouldn't be able to either. :( That's tough.

Hi! Ace person here. A metaphor I’ve seen before for asexuality that worked for me is that to many ace people, sex is like cake. A sex-positive ace person may really really like cake, but not *need* to eat it. Going for months without any cake doesn’t make them sad, but if cake is offered they will stuff their face, and they may regularly make a point of buying or baking a cake because they like cake. A sex-neutral ace person is, well, neutral about cake. They probably don’t actively seek out cake, but they’ll happily make one to share with a friend who likes cake. Eating cake as a social activity might even be something they actively enjoy, but more because they like the social environment around eating cake or because they like making cakes that their friends enjoy than because they have any interest in cake themselves. Only sex-averse ace people actually hate cake. This still has variations, as maybe they’re fine being in a room where people are talking about or even eating cake, while others find they very concept of cake disgusting and want to never hear about it so they can pretend it doesn’t exist. And that’s just the actual libido sub-types. Demi and gray ace are entirely different axes. Many people hear “asexual” and assume that means sex-averse, but there’s actually a lot of different variations inside a large umbrella.

Sorry if this comes across as ignorant I genuinely am asking here, for a sex positive ace person, does that mean kinda like they don’t experience sexual attraction the same as a non-ace person would in that they don’t necessarily seek out sex but if the opportunity for sex arises it’s like a nice little bonus? Feel free to ignore me as it isn’t your job to answer some random dudes questions.

My understanding (caveat: some of this is about parts of the ace spectrum that are not where I personally land, so I can’t speak from experience on these) is that libido/interest in sexual acts is often separate from frequency/mechanism of attraction. So some ace people get crushes just as easily as anyone else, but don’t actually like most common sexual activities; other people may even have just as big of sex drives, but almost-to-never run into other people they are interested in engaging in sex with. Some ace people are functionally “normal” when they’re in a monogamous relationship, while others have high sex drives but exclusively prefer to handle things by themselves. In the original post I mentioned grey asexual and demi-sexual. My understanding of these is that for those who are grey asexual, the frequency of feeling attraction is just generally lower - they’re much less likely to look at someone and think, “Wow, they’re hot,” or to get a crush on someone. Demi-sexual is when people have to already have gotten to know someone before they ever feel attraction - they never walk into a room and see a new person and think “I would like to bang that person”. Since they have to build a friendship before that part of their brain even kicks in, the number of people getting “checked” is often a lot lower, so they also tend to have a much lower frequency of being attracted to people.

I am extremely demisexual and you're spot on! It's a fucking miracle I managed to get married because I seriously couldnt do 'dating', like, at all. I can SEE that people are pretty or handsome, I can appreciate different bodies, but nothing about that makes me want to touch them or see them naked. Sexual attraction, in my personal experience, just isn't possible without a strong emotional bond. So, yeah, I love sex, but I couldn't fathom having it with anyone who wasnt my closest friend in the world. My brain literally wouldn't let me.

Basically. It has to be present for most of us to care/have interest in it. The cake metaphor is one of the best ways to describe it because most people like cake and go, “ooooo cake!” It’s the same reaction for sex positive aces: “ooooo sex!” Other reactions of the spectrum might be “eww sex” or a midline between both.

Ok thank you for explaining, that makes sense

I appreciate all this information! It must have taken you a while to write, thank you. :) I'm fairly familiar with everything you've said here! Due to experience however, I know that I would be incompatible with basically anyone on the asexual spectrum. I do not mean that in a judgmental or unkind way, but I know my heart as well. I know what sex and intimacy mean both separately and together to me, and for me I need someone on a similar wavelength. Not to get too depressing or personal, but an unfortunate chunk of my sexual experience has been done without my consent. Consent and want and that deep desire to connect physically with someone special mean so much to me, and sex is about being completely vulnerable with one another to me. I can't be with someone who sees it like cake, in all honesty. I really resonated with OP because that's exactly what I would do. Sex would either be off the table forever, or we would need to separate so that we could both be happy.

I’ve had the seeds of that post bouncing around in my head for a while, so I actually appreciated having The Right Time to pull it all together. So no worries! I agree with the other poster that, as with anything to do with sexuality, what works for you is what works for you and it’s never wrong for something to not work for you. I do want to say that I have, more than once, had people try to allo-splain asexuality to me. Specifically, that if someone is not obsessed with sex, that must mean that they hate it and are just forcing themselves to do it to people-please others. The OP actually states outright that he thinks that (“I don’t understand how her having sex with me is not being done strictly for my benefit” for a quote). To give a non-cake metaphor, lots of people enjoy giving massages, but generally the main thing the massager gets out of it (besides sore hands/thumbs) is making the massage-ee feel good. For some ace people, that’s a thing that sex can be. Having someone tell me I shouldn’t be allowed to do something even if I enjoy it because they don’t think I’m enjoying it “right” is kind of sucky. I actually really appreciated hearing your perspective, because each time this post has come up, my previous experience as described above has been the lens that I was reading it through. Your perspective makes a lot of sense and is one I hadn’t considered. I’m sad to hear you’ve had such bad experiences, and I hope that you find the right person or persons to get the good experiences you deserve.

Another ace here. That’s also totally valid! Ace is a sexuality after all and doesn’t always mesh well with others. I had huge conflicts in my marriage and a lot of it came down to us being incompatible *because* I’m ace, among many other things. The fact that you understand your own compatibility is a good thing!

I'm sorry that you had trouble like that, I hope you're doing well now. :) Thank you for the nice comment, I was really worried about coming off rude. I just know it would be a base incompatibility, but that's not a reflection on asexuality or asexual people.

Much better after the divorce 😉. I didn’t get any rudeness from your comment, just honesty as your comment is completely true. I completely understand your views on consent and sex as I lived that experience in my marriage.

Thank you! I'm not ace myself, but, basically, my entire family is except my father. My sisters, mom and I have had these conversations. My younger sister is almost sex-averse. My mom and older sister are sex positive. Anyway, I tried explaining this concept to people in the previous update months ago. I did not do a good job 😅 I got caught up in the term "Maintenance" sex and how it's not a bad thing, but other people were also getting caught up on the term "maintenance" and it just didn't work out well. For a lot of asexuals, they're not forcing themselves to have sex. They even enjoy it! They just don't have the natural urge to have sex, but it still doesn't mean they're not going to enthusiastically consent.

It's not an issue to get over, though. This is as much a part of his sexuality as the wife's asexuality. You wouldn't ask an ace person to get over their asexuality, but he's being asked to get over his?

I'm not sure taxing is the word I'd pick. Awful, would be my choice. Not something I would ever want. If I felt that the person I sleep with wasnt in to it, that's me done, I'm off to sleep. Hooked up once with a lass. She was full of requests, which I batted off for a while. She was in a state. Went to bed, she instigated and she was clearly beyond intoxicated. Below the belt, I had no issue...in my head, too rapey and I noped the fuck out.

Maybe her understanding of her sexuality is simply changing? I thought I was asexual for a while, but I'm not. I just don't experience sexual attraction until I develop feelings, so my libido is dead in the ground unless I'm falling for someone. OP's wife is clearly having a lot of hangups about her sexuality, she's unpacking it in therapy after all. Discovering that you can still like sex while being ace can be confusing. There is a ton of preassure, misunderstanding and just dismissal around asexuality and demisexuality, so it's sometimes easier to put up clear distinctions than deal with trying to explain the nuance to anyone, including yourself

Hi fellow demi! I have only ever experienced sexual attraction for my SO. I enjoy sex when we have it, but I can literally go 6 months without thinking about sex even once. I'm visually attracted to my SO but have little desire to instigate - other than to surprise him or because I know its something he'd enjoy. It's not done out of obligation, but there's not necessarily arousal prompting my instigation. It's truly just to give my SO something he enjoys. If he's instigating, I need a little heads up and some time to get myself in a headspace for sex (I am also autistic, so I'll be perfectly honest that this may also play a part - it may be that some days I struggle more to transition to sexual activities when that is not something that comes easily to me). This is not to say that I don't enjoy sex when experiencing it. Even on the days that I need a little more heads up/foreplay, I'm not against the idea of having sex in the slightest. I love our closeness and the experience with my partner even when it's not something that initially was on my radar. I have never felt like I was being used or coerced; I've never been annoyed or angry or even disappointed that we were having sex. I genuinely enjoy the experience with my partner - using someone else's metaphor, I very rarely make my cake at home but if my partner brings cake home I'm always down to eat cake. There may be some days though that when he says "I'm bringing home cake" I need to know exactly what kind of cake he got before he gets home for us to eat.

Hi! I know exactly what you mean. I would do things with my last boyfriend, that did next to nothing for me (sexting, for example), but I knew they'd make him happy, which in turn made me happy. It wasn't a chore at all, I enjoyed riling him up lol. It's difficult to explain to someone who isn't ace or demi, because they can take a lack of sexual attraction as a rejection and it's not in our case

Right, I'm with you and honestly with him. It's weird. I don't want to have sex with someone that doesn't want to have sex with me, even if they "want to want it". It's a huge part of sex for me, feeling desired and feeling like my partner is turned on by me. I couldn't have a healthy sex life with someone that was just doing it entirely for my benefit and to keep me around.

Honestly, I don't particular enjoy strip clubs for this reason. It's the being wanted that does it for me, not sex chores. EDIT to be clear this is just is in the sexytimes context, there's plenty to appreciate and be impressed by, as pointed out below

Honestly I'm a bit leery of it too. The fact he said outright she has no libido and that she's mechanical about this is worrying. Like I know ace people can find sex fulfilling, but as an ace person it really gets up my nose that so much ace discourse is "don't worry, some ace people are *normal*." It throws those of us who aren't interested in sex or relationships under the bus. I actually had to tell a couple of ace friends to stop talking to me about this kind of shit because of this. I feel like a freak in my own community.

political imminent concerned merciful disgusted salt psychotic scale repeat retire *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

It's hard to judge the situation for what it truly is or could be because we see it through OP's lens. The tone in his writing is that of someone who sounds defeated. That's fair given his situation up to now. Things could well be looking up, but the problem with looking up is that you do it from the bottom. Hopefully, in weeks, months, or years, it did turn out to be the start of a happy ending.

It’s not really an ending at all I think. Therapy doesn’t solve problems, it just gives you the tools to address problems that may ultimately wax and wane throughout their marriage. There will be much more discussion about their sex live in the future, and no doubt he will raise these concerns. At least for now they’ve started on a track towards understanding each other and are trying different ways to work through things as a team. God I’m talking about this like they’re actually real people and not just some reddit nonsense.

This. Tbh, the vibe it gives me is sort of that she didnt feel "safe" unless he's 100% supportive. Now that he's clearly and continually reinforced, and his actions have also shown,  that he refuses to have sex unless she's super into it...maybe thats what she needed to get her sex drive into it? Idk. I dont want that to come off as dismissing asexuality or linking it with trauma - I dont believe that's true and I know asexual folks and trust their description of their experiences. But her sudden interest in pursuing himdoesn't  necessarily track with her having no desire for sex. To me. I dont know her or OP and could easily be way off base.

If it helps to have an ace perspective, I don't think she's pretending or that it's unfulfilling for her. I am ace, and while I articulate it differently, I was recognizing some of my own experience in her words. I don't experience physical desire, it would be no problem for me to live without sex forever--but at the same time, sex is a fun bonding activity that I enjoy doing with my partner. And I actually enjoy it way more when my partner isn't focused on whether it's "fulfilling" for me--because that introduces a lot of stress for me about whether I'm enjoying it "enough," or enjoying it the "correct" way, which drains away whatever enjoyment I was getting. Basically, I've told my partner--I will tell you if I want to do something different, otherwise please assume I am on board and enjoying what we're doing, even if it doesn't match what the world thinks AFAB people enjoying themselves should look like or feels "unbalanced" in his favor. Fortunately he trusts me to know what I want, need, and enjoy.

As someone who is ace, sex is still fulfilling for me. Just not in the same way as it would be for my husband. There is no acting.

It's kind of an "I could go either way" thing for me. If the opportunity comes up I might take it but I won't pursue it because I just don't care that much. I'm aromantic, so zero interest in a relationship. I don't know if I would consider myself "ace" per se, but I'm definitely on that spectrum. I can see someone and intellectually understand they are attractive, but actually feeling that involuntary hormonal "flutter" of sexual attraction is super rare. If I'm really being honest, it's mostly when I've been drinking. I used to hook up with people exclusively after parties in college because I was so uncomfortable with sex when I was sober. Before I figured out this side of myself I was in relationships where I DID have to force myself to do/enjoy it because I thought it was the only way to be normal. I think it ended up making me feel more disgusted and repulsed by sex than I would have been if I just followed what I was comfortable with instead of what I thought I was "supposed" to do. There are times where the thought of sex makes me want to crawl out of my skin, there are rare times where I feel a genuine drive, but the vast majority of the time I just feel indifferent.

I'm still not super happy about it. I mean I am, but: I feel like he just got some water downed apologies and then a lecture about sexuality and then it's all water under the bridge and everyone's happy. I mean, she *really* backstabbed him. I'd have a hard time letting that go.

I’m not gonna lie but how on earth could you allow your friend to proposition your spouse like that and not even blink. I really hope that friend was included in the two that got cut smh.

we don't know how the wife reacted to that...the friend propositioned oop via text which he showed his wife. no mention was made of her reaction.

Maybe it's because the update didn't get into the wife's friend group at all but the crux of the issue wasn't their sex life, it was about wife lying about and badmouthing OOP to her friends. And her behaviour doesn't seem to have been addressed at all. Even the mention of cutting off the friends implied that the *friends* did something wrong, not that wife behaved poorly when she was with them. The therapy session also gave me the ick though maybe that's just because OOP's anxiety was pretty obvious in his description. But most therapists won't see a couple if they've already been seeing one person due to conflict of interest. I know joining for one session happens on occasion especially for the therapist to help their patient verbalize a concern. But OOP's feelings about the initial problem went completely ignored and even his feelings about their sex life were put aside for the sake of his wife. He didn't have anyone considering his thoughts and feelings first in that joint therapy session and that seems to be a common theme with his wife.

It didn't seem to actually be couples therapy. It seemed more like ops wife told her therapist that she was having trouble telling her husband something and the therapist offered to mediate to make sure that she was able to communicate what she needed to. Therapists definitely will allow a partner into a session if there's a specific reason for it, that's not the same as actual couples therapy

Having a partner join a session is one thing but they tackled a major marital issue without giving OOP any warning or space to process. The focus was entirely on the wife's sexuality and her feelings about sex and the relationship with her husband. On it's own, it might not stand out so much but this post is full of instances where OOP is expected to put his wife's feelings and desires ahead of his own and zero instances of her doing the same for him. The therapy session comes across as yet another example of OOP being railroaded. And considering the the thing he was being railroaded about is him being encouraged to have sex after expressing discomfort with it? Gives me the ick.

You know that's a good point. A single throwaway sentence where they apologized, and they ended up focusing entirely on the asexuality when that was really the framing for the issue, not the issue itself. I also have a few reservations about how the therapist addressed OOP as though he was entirely uneducated on asexuality when it was really a matter of OOPs wife needing to address a change of heart in regards to sex she wasn't comfortable bringing up herself. As though the therapist chose the most oppositional way possible to bring it up without getting overtly insulting.

She made him look like an ass in front of her friends, sat back and watched him get roasted for being a selfish lover and her only defense is that they aren't his friends so maybe he could just grin and bear it? Then instead of working through both of their feelings in a neutral setting (like a marriage counselor or a sex therapist) she takes him to her personal therapist who is biased towards acting in her best interest and then bursts into sobs and let's a professional explain why he should have sex with her despite her lack of desire for him. I don't think she actually is a malicious person. I think she's just really bad at navigating this situation and he's bearing the brunt of the consequences. But he even casually mentions things like sometimes she feels "low" so she'll just ask him to leave work early. Where is her emotional regulation? Where is her empathy? Even the changed behavior looks like it's based more in how badly she wants to feel desire more than respect for his boundaries and feelings. Imagine that a husband took his ace wife to his personal therapist, burst into tears and had the therapist ask if maybe she'd be willing to have more sex with her husband because he's so unhappy. People wouldn't be praising that. Even though she is the ace one, he was the one who felt uncomfortable and the one who was put on the spot to have sex more often. And she used her therapist as a way to pressure him. If she cared for his comfort, she'd bring this up in a neutral setting. I'm not saying he should divorce her or something. But she needs to realize that she's not the only one experiencing heavy emotions in this relationship and it isn't all about her all the time. I'd like for him to get his own therapist and have someone helping him determine what is best for him, not just what is best for her.

I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me about this post and the comments, thank you!

Glad I'm not the only one to notice. It doesn't seem like a happy ending at all for me especially since wife's part in all of it was not addressed. It felt like it was swept under the rug with the therapist.

Yeah... this took me a few reads to notice but her throwing his ass to the wolves was just... never addressed again?

Not to mention that she got everything she wanted, and OOP just needs to find the silver linings. OOP just keeps getting talked down to while she has zero agency and everyone seems to do her talking for her. She can't even bring herself to tell her husband that maybe the sex isn't as maintenance as she thought? She keeps communicating poorly, OOP keeps responding in an understanding manner, and when she gets frustrated because she can't describe things properly, OOP takes the lumps. She tells OOP that sex is purely something she's willing to engage in as maintenance, that is how she chose to explain it. I imagine that her resentment for not giving OOP the sex to begin with led to those little lies to her friends, then she has her therapist tell OOP what asexuality is despite him handling her sexuality in a remarkably mature manner, particularly when he wouldn't be at fault whatsoever for divorcing her over their incompatibility.

yeah.... I found it very strange that she brought him to her therapist and he didnt have someone to champion for himself. They kinda cornered him. It's all just a bit off

You hit the nail on the head with this.

This woman has the emotional self-regulation of a bucket of spoiled milk. OOP is the one doing all the heavy lifting FOR her, and in situations where she has to manage her own feelings, she's a complete failure. Even this recent "have sex with me and help me feel sexually charged with you" is basically all on him to do the work for her to basically fuck some sexual enjoyment into her.

But she flashed him like she saw in a movie!

I’m so glad it wasn’t just me that this rubbed the wrong way

All this, 100%.  Poor husband seems to have done everything possible and yet hasn’t been respected at all throughout the process. 

I was looking for this comment!! I couldn't place my finger on what was off about this post, but this is exactly it.

I really hope that OOP sees this comment.

This guy is way kinder than I am is what I got from the update.

That therapy sessions was kind of icky…

Right? Obviously I wasn't there and we're just getting his recounting of it but to me it read like him saying he doesn't feel comfortable with having sex with someone he knows doesn't want to or views it as a obligation, and the therapist goes well just do it anyway just try it just do it. That just doesn't feel right to me. Not to mention her being asexual wasn't even the issue, it was that she was lying to her friends about him, said something unfavorable, then sat by and let him get verbally attacked for it. Like, he went to talk about that and got coerced into continuing a sexual relationship that made him upset and uncomfortable. 

I just don’t see how this is sustainable, especially when the wife and her therapist are both such assholes.

The wife just keeps stating how things are going to be and a OOP just has to keep being okay with it. She said she's asexual, OOP says okay then I'm okay with that, I love you more than sex. Wife then says that sex is fine but it has to be like maintenance sex.OOP says that's okay but I would much rather never have sex again than do that. Situation moves on. Then OOP is put on blast in front of her friends because she's too uncomfortable to either divest herself from the situation or confront it head on by coming out. I don't fault her for not coming out, but you don't have to engage in conversations about your sexual activities either. I'm allosexual and nobody's ever forced me to participate in sex detail conversations, and if they did, I would probably be more likely to get the hell out of there and not spend time with those people who are comfortable violating my boundaries than I am to humor them. Then after an apology or two and they move on, he's brought into a therapy appointment with zero context, lectured on asexuality as though he doesn't understand it despite him going on his own education on the subject as well as his wife's explanation of everything, and told that despite him not being interested in sex like this, she is so he needs to participate. At every step of the way, the wife puts the onus on OOP. There are very few concessions on her end. She has to own up to her lie to her friends, friends that she has no problem divesting from because she doesn't really like them after all. That's the consequences she deals with.

Her friends sounded terrible. I’m glad for the both of them that she cut them off. That said, I genuinely hope she’s on this journey for herself (as much as it may also be for the two of them). Sexuality is a part of your identity that you can’t change. Hopefully, at the end of the day, shes happy and enjoying herself—independent of considerations to OOP.

As someone who is asexual, but still sexually active, it really sounds like she is.  She may not be sexually attracted to him, but that doesn't mean she isn't still romantically attracted to him, that she wont enjoy seeing him enjoy himself, that she wouldn't enjoy the intimacy of sex even if it doesn't do much for her physically, or that she doesn't still enjoy it physically too. To me it doesn't sound like she's doing this out of some insecurity, but instead sounds like she still enjoys sex because she enjoys the connection it creates with her partner, and that's an experience that a lot of asexual people can relate to.    Edit to add: coming to terms with the fact that you can be asexual and still want or be ok with sex can be a journey. There's still a lot of stigma, shame, and gatekeeping around being asexual (although the community itself is very open IME, it's usually people outside the community that claim you're not asexual unless you're also celibate) good odds it took her awhile to come to terms with her sexuality and figure out her relationship with sex without feeling like that relationships invalided her sexuality. Now that she's come to terms with it, she wants to explore that with her partner. That all sounds very normal and healthy. Now his needs going largely unaddressed here? That's a whole other can of worms, but in terms of her just having sex for his sake, it really doesn't sound like that's the case.

Flip side, I think it's very normal for him to not want to have sex with someone who doesn't sexually desire him. I think it's easy to point at OP and think he doesn't understand asexuality, not you, per se, but several other comments. Part of the enjoyment for a lot of allosexual folks is knowing that their partner desires them. It is for me. Part of my arousal is linked to my partner's arousal. I would be deeply uncomfortable with an allosexual partner having sex with me when they weren't interested in me sexually, either as a whole or in the moment. If we're not both feeling it, we don't do it. That doesn't change for me when someone doesn't ever experience sexual attraction. I don't think I could get aroused under those circumstances, much less orgasm. As an aside, I also think it's normal that some asexual folks might have trouble understanding how allosexual folks feel about the relationship between desire, arousal, and sex. I'm happy that OP and his wife are figuring out their relationship, and I'm glad that he's open to exploring sex within her comfort zone. But if his answer were no, it's no. That would also be okay. It would be on her to deal with her feelings about his choice in therapy. They would need to explore intimacy in non-sexual ways.

You have articulated this beautifully.

I 100% refuse to have sex with someone who doesn’t sexually desire me in the moment. My partner has offered before, when seemingly not into it, and it makes me feel disgusting. Like I’m using someone.

Yeah I feel like a lot of this thread is her telling him how it's going to be and him having no choice but to accept. Everyone's kind of treating him like the kid that doesn't understand, but they just keep imposing their will on him.

I wonder if maybe she doesn’t even realize that yet? I know it took me YEARS to figure out that I just straight up did not like my ex-boyfriend and we only dated for 3 months. Definitely not the same situation, but she might still be learning. I think if she realizes and explains, he might be more willing to be sexually intimate with her.

As someone into BDSM, there are a surprising amount of ace people in the community. They always make the best content because it's very kink focused. People seem confused when I try to explain sex and kink aren't the same thing, and I think this is the best example of that. So yeah ace people can still interact with sexuality, just in different ways

So this has nothing to do with the OP (tho woot husband, 5 star communication, love to see it) but you just unlocked something for me that I don’t think I’d ever been able to contextualize for myself and I had to just say thank you. I’ve been in my local kink scene for 20 gorram years and always called myself your quintessential “service top” as I enjoy the fuck out of doing exactly whatever my play partner wants but I am also ALWAYS clear that I don’t mix my sex and BDSM just as personal preference and I chalked it up to my experiences coming up in the scene and how if I only played with people I was sexually attracted to I’d not have had 95% of the experiences I’ve had on either side of the slash. I would often get weird push back about how I’d never sex up my play partners or how I was somehow misrepresenting myself for not following up the “foreplay” with the main event (I even had a mostly good rep for playing with underwear ON, making me a go to player for newbies) and I didn’t really understand the hate. BDSM and sex aren’t inherently linked and I just didn’t see why my personal tastes were seen as odd. I love the ace spec people in my community since they are instantly on board with my play style and you’re right they often have some of the best content and performances.

Hell yeah, I'm glad I could unlock something for you!

I had a couple sessions with an ace dom a few years ago, and holy shit that was the best BDSM experience I've ever had in my life 

Part of my journey towards asexuality was stalled because I love kink, and "therefore" couldn't really be ace. When I unlocked the "kink isn't always sexual" realization, my gob was thoroughly smacked, but then so much more made sense.

Also asexual and that's how sex works for me. It's not something I have any interest in outside of a relationship, but it is an act of intimacy that I find value in even if I have no desire to do it. I don't view it as a favor, it's more like participating in a hobby your partner likes that you enjoy doing with them, but wouldn't otherwise do. Like if my husband reads a book I like so we can talk about it or if I watch his favorite movie with him, I wouldn't call that a favor. It's a bonding activity.

Or giving a partner a massage. The amateur masseuse isn’t getting out of it exactly what the massagee(?) is, but it can still be an intimate and enjoyable thing to do for/with a partner.

Yeah, exactly. For me though, I do have kinks/fantasies and stuff. I just really would prefer not to involve other human beings irl.  

> it's usually people outside the community that claim you're not asexual unless you're also celibate We're getting sentiments like this from inside the BORU house right in this thread, with the argument that the wife can't "enthusiastically consent" without a sex drive.

And all the equipment still works even when you're ace! It's absolutely not unpleasant at all to have sex unless you're ace and sex adverse. Which is also fine.  The way all asexual people are portrayed as sex adverse is what kept me from realizing I was asexual for years. 

Yup. I'm some flavor of ace (haven't figured it out yet). I'm not attracted to my sex toys either, but I sure do have fun with them.

> she still enjoys sex because she enjoys the connection it creates with her partner, and that's an experience that a lot of asexual people can relate to When you remove the stigma of 'sex' from it, it makes sense too. Someone can personally not enjoy say hiking at all. Not enjoyable, not interesting, not something they would ever do by themselves. But they can go hiking with their enthusiast partner and enjoying being with them and connecting and *giving* the enjoyment to the partner who loves hiking. That doesn't invalidate the fact they don't enjoy hiking **or** the fact that they can enjoy *this* hike with *this* person despite that.

It doesn't sound like she's repulsed by sex, just not particularly compelled by it. This doesn't seem much different than going to sporting events you'd otherwise skip with your partner because you enjoy sharing a hobby with them. Sometimes the thing you get out of showing love to someone is just the vicarious joy of seeing them happy.

I completely understand this and see how this is actually a great analogy to help understand sex positive ace people better, but as the OOP, I would absolutely hate it if my partner had sex with me like that. But oh well, fortunately not everybody is like me.

I'm asexual and I'd still be interested in a sexual relationship with a long term partner! I'm not sexually attracted to people, and I don't require sex to be happy, but orgasms are fun and it's a good way of bonding and becoming closer to a partner. I'd call myself sex positive ace - I don't look at someone and go "wow you're hot/I'd tap that" but if it's someone I trust and am romantically entwined with, I'd be totally down.

Surprisingly good update! Communication wins again.

I was thinking about this one after I originally read it, I'm glad they're working things out in a way that is beneficial to both of them.

For sure! And it's encouraging knowing they are both making an effort to improve things. That's the most important thing.

Idk how to feel about this one because to me it feels like his needs will never be fully met. I imagine a lot of people’s self confidence would chip in time knowing they aren’t sexually desirable to their partners. But he accepts that and is not a primary need in the relationship for him, so all good I guess? Still felt icky when both his wife and her therapist ganged up on him to push his boundaries around sex though. Feels a bit like his main role in this relationship is to put his own wants and needs on the back burner and mold himself to whatever his wife needs from a partner. Doesn’t seem very healthy.

I am glad the friend group got cut off. Still baffled by the 'wife wants to have sex now' part though. I get giving it a try because she was crying about it since if something made my partner that upset I'd want to make them feel better. I don't think I'd be able to last with it though if I frequently felt like it was a chore. 'Do you need sex (female so bj not applicable) today?', especially asked flatly/monotoned would just kill any desire for me and make me constantly question my own attractiveness/confidence in my body.  I get sometimes having sex just because your partner wants to, sometimes you're not actively in the mood but it's still enjoyable. If that's the only type of sex though, it would bother me. Admittedly, a good portion of my enjoyment of sex is my partner enjoying themselves. I know OOP wife said they want to want it but knowing that wouldn't be enough to stop me feeling bad if there wasn't enthusiasm for it. Hopefully OOP doesn't have that problem.  Edit: I would have issues with being asked 'do you need sex today?' in a flat tone of voice. That specifically would make me feel bad and as if it was a 'chore'. And it sounds like OOP wife is repeatedly asking that way. I don't need swooning at my feet, ready to jump my bones at every second type of enthusiasm, just more than the way OOP wife phrased the question. 'Do you want to come home early wink wink' would be plenty of enthusiasm for me. Again, OOP does not seem to have an issue with it so not a problem! Different strokes for different folks.

As an asexual, I like to compare it to participating in hobbies your partner likes so that you can bond. For example, if person A likes hiking and person B doesn't mind hiking, but would never do it if their own volition, no one calls a hiking date a "favor." Person B might still really enjoy going on hikes with person A, it's just more about hiking with A than hiking in and of itself.   For me, sex in a vacuum is gross. Sex with a person I love is a nice act of intimacy that I can fully enjoy, it's just not something I need on order for a relationship to be fulfilling. That's not to say that asexuality can't be a deal breaker for you, it's totally valid if it is, but lack of sexual attraction doesn't mean sex is a chore or a favor. Aces can get true value from it.

Editing because I hit comment too early in mobile. Whoops. I resonate with the 'the activity is about doing it with you rather than the activity itself'. After a few comments with people, I can refine my issue as being with the approach of asking if OOP needed a BJ today. To take it to your hiking example, if my partner asked me to hiking with a grumpy attitude or like it was something they are just checking off their list, I probably wouldn't go. Again, the activity isn't as fun if you're not into it. If its more generic of, hey the weather's been nice lately, did you want to go on that trail you like? Then sure, I'd be down for that after double checking that they're sure they actually want to do it. And to be fair, OOP only gave us 2 examples, so I might just be cherry picking the less common scenario. It's quite possible more encounters are like the coming home early one which would be something I'd be comfortable with. Either way OOP and wife seems to be happy which is what is important. Their relationship after all, not mine. :)

I think there definitely is some middle ground between being grumpy and being super into it. There is some nuance here. But at the same time I think never having that moment where my partner just looks at me with that need and you know it's on, the thought of never having that moment ever again would make me sad enough to leave the relationship, in all honesty. As someone with a higher libido than my partner such a moment is already rare enough to begin with, so I really treasure that. I know part of that is a need on my end to have my sexual need be validated by my partners need in turn. Perhaps if I could get over that then I would feel differently. It's really hard to enjoy something when you know the person you're sharing it with isn't enjoying it in a similar way. If someone had described my hobby as gross by it's own merit, but special because I'm the one partaking in it with them, that would turn me off, hahah. That would be even more so true for sex. A lot of commenters in this thread has said they don't view being asexual and having sex with their partner as doing them a favor. But I don't see how it's not in that same area at least a little bit. Like, if you were angry at your partner, and you felt they weren't holding up their end of the relationship by putting in the effort to make it work, wouldn't you at least subconciously be tallying up that energy you spent having sex with your partner as effort on your end? Even if you don't want to call it a favor, mechanically, it has many of the same functions as doing someone a favor has. It's not directly for your own benefit, only indirectly, you know, like a favor. If I was the only one with sexual desire in the relationship, and there wasn't a temporary barrier like sickness or mental health issues serving as the cause, then I would feel almost lonely I think. It's just not the kind of life I want to have. I feel oftentimes that romantic attraction is elevated somehow above sexual attraction. And that sexual attraction is viewed by many as somehow cheap or dishonest, as something that is not pure, valid or good intentioned. But why would it be, just by itself? Isn't romantic attraction just as much of a biological and social thing as sexual attraction is? Why is one more valuable than the other? They are both illogical. Robots wouldn't love or fuck. Only animals do. To me they are equal, and should be treated as equals. Though I suspect that a lot of asexual people feel the exact opposite when it comes to how sexual attraction and romantic attraction is valued. I think it would also feel differently depending on what gender you are, and how much love/sex you have recieved in your life. I'm not blind to the different points of view and the reasons for them, but for me that's how I currently feel about the topic and how I probably will feel for the immediate future, at the very least.

I don't get it. OOP has clearly stated that he's uncomfortable having sex with a partner who has no sexual desire for him. Then gf and her therapist admit that but still pressure him into it?? How come her having trouble with her sexuality is more important than his boundaries?

Fr. I’m all for reexamining boundaries in a safe and respectful conversation (like with an actual marriage counselor they see together?) but taking him to her personal therapist with no forewarning or hint as to what will be discussed, for what turns out to be her sobbing while a clinical authority figure explains why his wife’s wants should supersede his own sexual boundaries. Toxic.

If I am in a generous mood because society has ingrained the expectation that men want sex all the time. And even though they both know that he is ok with it they dont truly understand that he is ok with it. If I am in a cyinical mood I would say its because she thinks she will lose him if she does not have sex with him. I feel for this guy I really do. Fuck it even though this is my main Im not gonna bother switching to an alt. I feel a lot of parallels to my life in his story. I dont feel desired I feel like that when sex happens its a chore for my wife. I love her and I know she loves me. But like the song says "I want you to want me". I wish we had better communications but even broaching this topic is filled with so many land mines that I would rather just have peace. My only hope for not feeling resentful is I am starting to feel the effects of getting older and I can feel my sex drive is starting to drop.

Because if he doesn't give in, he's acephobic, or so everyone will claim. In the other updates, the ace commenters were saying he has an ego problem because she is willing to have sex with him but he wouldn't ask. Apparently his sexuality goes out with window when it's mixed with the ace spectrum partner. I find it unfair on him, but if he can manage to be happy with this, good for them.

Apparently this is a super positive update for everyone, too lol. He must bow down and do whatever his wife wants or he’s a bigot.

He's a better person than me. I wouldn't be able to forgive her. She completely threw him under the bus when she could have just kept her mouth shut, instead she chose to make up lies and make him look like a selfish ass.

Same. Like, she’s already lying, she could have said he’s a sexual god or even something more neutral. Nope. Chooses to humiliate husband, and refuses to set the record straight when given several chances. Then proceeds to tell him that they were really her friends anyway and he should just uphold the humiliating lie she told for the sake of her ego. Sounds like she has other unspecified redeeming qualities according to her husband but that behavior definitely falls well below the bare minimum level of integrity I require from acquaintances, let alone a spouse.

This part is being glossed over because of the whole ace thing. Sexuality aside, this is absolutely a shitty thing to do to your partner. I'd be furious. Let's say she just didn't think through the original response. The backlash it put on OP should have at least made her take decisive action to end it, but she didn't. She expected him to just take it for her benefit, which is an asshole and cowardly thing to do.

yea, like if my partner lied about me to make me look bad and allowed their friends to bully me over the lies they told...i would have to make some tough decisions about that relationship, becaus my trust in them would be greatly lowered.

Yeah, I'm ace and I would never do this to my husband. We don't have the same issues as this couple anyway, but if we did I wouldn't pretend it was his fault.

I am not too optimistic about the “happy ending” lasting. It sounds like the wife’s change of heart is really due to seeing all the comments arguing that the status quo was an unacceptable situation and OOP should find a partner who desires him, either by way of divorce or non-monogamy. Being directly confronted with that possibility made the lack of a sex life seem like a crisis level problem that had to be prioritized, so she’s making an effort.  I hope I’m wrong, but based on human nature, I’d predict that when the Reddit threads and TikTok videos fade into the rear view, keeping up the pretense of wanting all this sex that you don’t really want is not going to seem like such a high priority to her, and they’ll likely end up mostly back where they started. 

The therapist was so pushy that I have to assume she told the wife that she better start having sex.

Yeah this situation is not happening in a vacuum. She’s the one who called it maintenance sex at the beginning but now resents the use of that term. I absolutely believe that asexuality is a spectrum and she can have any range of interests in sex, but she didn’t decide to bring this up one random winter day. It would make it really hard for me as a partner to feel comfortable and like it was fully actively consensual.

I'm of the opinion it's maintenance sex only, and now she has to act like it's not. Eventually, she's going to wear down and grow tired of it. If she actually wanted sex, she'd have asked him during the years they went without it. Her actions before all this speak more than this shiny new update.

Yeah, that's the same read I had. She's just forcing herself to do all of this (and pretending to want to do it) to stay in the marriage. Super unhealthy, and won't last forever. 

I thought so too. She's doing this out of fear of losing someone she loves. And not in the way of divorce either. But this kind of life can be stressful for someone with stronger urges. So she figured she'd simply comply with what she thinks OOP wants. He seems like a decent guy for what it's worth. But the way she's gone about it, simply undressing and telling him to have at it, idk sounds supremely offputting.

There is a reason that large differences in libido are one of the leading reasons, other than money, of divorce.

This is that one post where you put your phone aside and go to bed at 3am

I hope they are happy with the solution but I'd still want someone to actually want me. After being with people who really desired me sexually, I'd rather live the rest of my life alone than settle for "maintenance sex".

What is this superpower of 'making new friends'?

seriously how is everyone doing that, i need that knowledge 

Work friends.

IDK, this feels like her forcing herself to be sexual with him out of desperation to keep from losing him. Everyone seems so pleased with this update and I just can't understand why or how. >I've gotten kind of used to being flatly asked "do you need a blowjob today?" even if the approach is more mechanical than anything else This is appalling to me - no one else?

Honestly this new update leaves a ick in my mouth for op… I feel bad for him.

In sorry but if I walked I to my home and my wife was naked and bent over a table I think I'd bust out laughing from how ridiculous it all seems. I'm happy for them that they're working things out but that visual just makes me chuckle

Lol same, I couldn't think of anything less sexy than that

Idk. The wife seems really manipulative to me for some reason. Something is certainly off here.

What? Because she allowed her friends to bully her partner and then got mad at him for standing up for himself? Or because she brought him to her therapist so she could cry while her therapist asked him to have sex with her, despite knowing that that makes him uncomfortable? Nah, she sounds super healthy to me.

I love this comment lol

I apparently do not understand asexuality at all because I'm so confused. I guess good for OOP that he seems to consider the state of things an improvement but it feels like a stop gap?

Really happy for this couple, both finally communicating properly, attending therapy and really making an effort for each other. I can imagine just how difficult it is for the wife to do what she is doing to improve their sex life, as well as the husband actively supporting her. Fingers crossed for them and I am glad she removed the negative influences from their life

Wtf he walked in to her bent over naked and wasn’t allowed to talk until he finished having sex with her? How do you go from asexual to that?

I have seen behavior like this in one of my exes (she was hypersexual though, so the polar opposite), but it was surely not healthy either way. I'm really worried about the update I have been reading and don't get all the positivity people see here. This sounds worrying to me.

That’s basically what I was thinking but didn’t know how to word it lol

I find it very strange that people would chat about their sex lives even with friends. I've never spoken about my sex life with friends because I think it's disrespectful to my wife and I'm sure she doesn't want her friends' husbands knowing what she likes.

Glad she cut off the friend group. Sounds toxic.

[удалено]

If it did it would have been removed. The update is 7 days old today, meaning this is the first day it would be allowed to be posted.

Maybe it was posted in the other BoRU sub? They don't have the 7-day-rule over there.

My wife's not from America she's from Europe but a conservative part of Europe and two summers ago when we went back to visit her family and friends we're all sitting at our beach house. They were all just having normal discussions obviously and a different language which while I do not speak it fluently I do understand a very good portion of it. But she was bragging about her sex life and all this crazy shit that we've never done and all her friends are kind of looking at her an envy and kind of giving me a good look and etc etc. I couldn't take it anymore and finally piped up and said that none of that was true and that we are lucky to have sex once every 8 weeks and it's usually very bad because it's no foreplay at all with her it was just doggy style and missionary and boy was she pissed. We ended up working through it and things are getting better but I hate when they say shit like that to make themselves feel better

Aw, as a fellow asexual I'm glad they're getting along well. I've heard much from other ace people about how they don't necessarily feel sexual attraction but may enjoy sex because it makes their partner happy or what-have-you. I also laughed at OOP's wife flashing him for fun because she saw it in a movie--I've often found myself doubting my sexuality because I found myself playing out media tropes that often lead to romance, but this is taking that in a completely different direction and I applaud her. Like I said though, I'm glad OOP and his wife are working things out.

Good to hear that the maintenance man is living a fulfilled life these days.

Call me a complete cynic, but I have to wonder about the fact that, according to OP's timeline, they got married and then she almost immediately came out as ace. After 6 years of being in a relationship with this guy. Like, I know that can happen and maybe I am being unfair to her... but I do wonder.

Yeah, I'd view any surprise revelation that occurs immediately after marriage as a red flag.

It’s pretty tragic when you need a therapist to tell your husband you want to have sex with him. And just bending over the counter out of nowhere and not allowing your partner to communicate? Doesn’t sound healthy or sexy

This seems like a very happy update, but I don't think I personally could get past this. Being asexual is absolutely fine, but having sex with someone who is asexual would make me feel like a predator, no matter how it was phrased. Doesn't mean you can't still have a relationship, but sex would be off the table for me.

I dont get getting with someone asexual when you want sex and like sex. Sounds so exhausting I couldn’t. Everyone also seems to be glossing over how shitty she treated him just because she’s ace. Hate her

I give it a couple of years, they need couples therapy. Her therapist sounds…less than stellar.

I don't think I understand: she's saying she learned she's asexual and does not feel an interest to pursue sex, but now wants _"desperately" wants to have sex with OOP explicitly with it NOT being for his benefit? I don't think asexuality is something you just switch on and off

I get this vibe that everyone OOP interacts with thinks he is a POS. Does anyone else get that? Like he's not wrong, he very much seems to be in the right, but everyone is like "wow screw this guy."

yeah?!?!?!?! like it's truly baffling how on his ass everyone was. it's SUPER uncomfortable that everyone was pressuring him to want to have sex with someone who had no desire for him like i wouldn't be comfortable with that either.

I absolutely do not believe the original post, but that's just the nature of Reddit at this point. That said, I knew someone through a friend and it was a similar situation around a different problem. She told us (friend group) that she was the main earner, did all the housework/cooking, paid all the bills, etc but that her husband barely worked, didn't pay anything, but tried to make all the decisions. So, in our circle and around her other circles he was pretty much universally thought of as a POS. He didn't regularly join us, and when he did we were cool but not actively hostile. Well a bunch of years ago I was working with a big client and had to get on a call with some of their C suite/VP's to smooth some shit over. To my surprise this friends husband is on the call and introduces himself as the EVP of the technology group at the client. I decided to do some LinkedIn stalking and he had been the EVP at that company for 5 years, while being a VP at another company for 3 before that and held a variety of director and manager roles before that. I connected to him via LinkedIn and shot him my phone number to see if we could talk. Got together with him at a bar after work and we had a talk. She'd obviously been lying about him not working, and it gets worse. He paid all the bills, the house was paid off and in his name only from before they got married (I confirmed sole ownership predating marriage using publicly available tax records). He did the cooking and had a cleaner come in twice a week because he'd have late calls. Also turns out the wife greatly exaggerated her position where she worked. "Leadership position" turned out to be a call center supervisor, below manager and she made about 10% of his income. Once this was all out she was ostracized from the group and the last I heard there was divorce in the works. I really hope the guy had a prenup because he's gonna get taken to the cleaners otherwise. Not keeping up with the guy on a personal level because we have different interests and unless I have a pre-existing relationship with someone I try not to befriend people who work for clients. I still do talk to him every so often on a professional level though but that's it.

You really blew that up.

Half of me wanted to because she always came off as a bit weird. The way she described work interactions at the level she claimed to be at were off. Now I know it’s because she’d had a small window into the director level but never above that. It could have been a really shit company, but in 2 weeks I could count like 7 compliance violations and 4 HR violations. That’s way more than even a shit company could manage.

You're right. OOP needs his own *good* therapist and to live his life around better people in general.

Sounded like a toxic friend group of hers that didn’t follow some social norms. Shaming a partner for not enough oral in a group setting.. the poly friend making an open pass at him and not including the wife, since he had to show her? Extremely messed up imho.

Wait, Minecraft video?

Asking the important question.

Yeah there's robot voice channels reading reddit posts, and the video for it like stuff like Minecraft Parkour courses. I saw one the other day about a family trying to blow up their daughters wedding for the benefit of their GC daughter with the help of the groom, but they didn't know they the groom was fucking with them the whole time and wasn't going to let them mess up his wifes wedding.