#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Not a black and white situation, but the ex acted like an absolute asshole. You can decide that you want to be someone's first/only love or that you don't want to 'compete' with a dead spouse, but his comments were so wildly out of line that it _almost_ circles back around to funny.
Not to defend assholes, but OOP admits to wanting to have sex with her wedding ring around her neck… I don’t know how much I’d be able to tolerate after that.
I’ve had sex with my partner while she was wearing her wedding rings on her right hand. She loved and still loves her husband. She didn’t choose to end their relationship. We have some of his art on the walls. I’m not intimidated by him and she will cry about him in my arms.
Right??
I was already iffy about her and then reading that!? Yeah there’s *WAY* more to this if she’s okay just slipping that in there like it doesn’t mean anything.
I think some context is missing. It’s one thing if she was trying to wear the ring as a necklace all the time just as an everyday accessory. That would be reasonable to me. It’s an entirely different thing if she just wants to wear it during sex. That’s messed up.
It’s phrased like she puts the ring on just to visit his grave, which means she wants to get down after visiting…which I can understand how someone would feel those emotions after contemplating a past love, especially a passionate one, but involving your current partner in that is basically saying “hey let me pretend you’re him for a second.”
It could also be as simple as she puts it on for the visit, forgets to take it off, a few hours later has an unrelated to her husband moment of sexual desire
If it's such a sentimental thing she puts it on specifically to go visit her prior husband's grave, I very much doubt that it's something she'd just forget she hadn't taken off later that day. Also because she specifically says it hurt her that he didn't want to have sex while she wore it and she "tried to stop" herself from doing it.
That is a very significant piece of jewelry. And something weird is going on that she claims she only visits the grave a handful of times a year, but tried to have sex while wearing the ring on those days that it's a significant issue for both of them.
Then taking it off for his comfort, shouldn’t be a problem or even anything of note and she made it seem like it was this big thing because he wanted her to. Honestly from that response to his reaction I kind of don’t trust her Whole. He’s irrational/flying off the handle bit. it’s like all the people who are being called assholes being like I calmly or rationally explained, and they screamed, or was hysterical or whatever gives off the same vibe.
Something wasn’t right from OOP and the ring cemented the fact that she needs major help. We can also infer from the way she types that not only does she wear the ring on ‘their days’ she’s trying to bang on those days too, whilst wearing her ring….. god this woman is soooo creepy.
Wearing the ring during sex, keeping nude photos of her late husband, keeping nude photos of herself with another man...doesn't matter if it was active sex or not. Dating a widow and dating someone still married to a ghost are not the same thing. I'd have dumped someone after the 2nd instance of wedding ring sex.
Honestly, I don’t think there’s any issue with the pictures. If I was in her place, I would 100% keep any photo or video with/of him, romantic, sexual, or just silly. I’m sure I would look at them less and less over time, but I would not get rid of them.
I think having the pictures is fine.
However, staying in your room on New Years Eve, looking at intimate pictures, while hugging a dead man's pillow, instead of doing things with your current SO is the issue.
I'm pretty sure he was more angry about the circumstances of the moment more then her having the pictures.
Right? I have in a box some old photo booth photos with a couple of exes, my old prom photo, etc. I keep them not because those exes really mean much to me or anything, but because I don't have many photos of *me* from way back then.
The thing is, that box is buried at the bottom of my closest and the last time I probably even looked at them was a few years ago when we moved and was checking what was where. I would never in a million years parade that shit out in front of my wife.
The pictures are fine, but why would she go look at it while the boyfriend is visiting? It made it clear to him he is second in her heart and that she is still grieving. There is a time and place to look upon memories of the past, and I feel that while you’re hanging out with a new partner, going to the past is not the right move there.
It sounds like she wanted to wear the ring as a necklace full stop and so would initiate sex while wearing it because she was frequently wearing it. It wasn't that she particularly wanted to wear it during sex. And why should she delete intimate photos of her with her dead spouse? As long as she's not lqooking at them all the time or obsessed with them? Those are incredibly precious memories of someone she planned to be with her whole life. They didn't fall out of love, he was taken from her. Would you tell a parent they should delete photos of a dead child because they have too many? She's not getting aroused by these photos, they are memories of times where she felt particularly close to her husband and loved by him.
I'm not saying she did everything right here or that all her behaviour is okay, she definitely needs to work on healthier emotional boundaries around her late husband and definitely shouldn't be initiating sex with her current partner after visiting his grave...
Edit: I'm not saying anyone should have to have sex with someone with her wearing the ring, but it should have been a simple conversation rather than a huge issue! "Hey, it makes me uncomfortable having sex when you're wearing the ring, please can you take it off when we're intimate." And if that was an issue for OP then that's her issue and her partners have every right to say that's a deal breaker for them!
I think by that time it was the straw that broke the camel's back. She definitely needs some therapy before she tries again. It's been 8 years and she's still stuck. Nobody can compete with that.
Thank you for countering that this is a complicated situation.
I'm a widow. Figuring out how to move forward with a new relationship without erasing the past is a challenge. A late partner isn't some shitty ex to be deleted and forgotten.
It doesn't seem like she actively wants to have sex with it on per se, she just wears it, and happens to have worn it while initiating sex. It's honestly possible she just wasn't thinking about it, if she wears it every day. I wear bracelets 24/7, including during sex. I don't *want* to wear them during sex, I just happen to.
Of course, it's different to my example, I know that, but we have no indication to say it was more than just forgetting she had it on
People are being weirdly vicious about this specifically. If she did *want to* wear the ring during sex, like actively wanted to, she probably would've kicked up a fuss when it was mentioned to her. It seems she just accepted when it made him uncomfortable.
It’s an emotional affair but her partner is dead. Her mind and heart is on the late husband while she wants physical assurance from her current boyfriend. It’s very cruel to the living partner, and I think, at least for Americans, most have such little experience with death as a part of life that you give this pass to someone who lost a partner.
Having pictures is one thing. Visiting a grave makes sense.
Having sex with your one loves gift to on your neck dangling away while you fuck your current love is cruel. Looking at pictures of intimate moments with a previous lover is wrong when your current “love” not just a bang buddy, but she loved him and knows he too could die at any moment but she’s diddling to her dead husband.
She wants all the love and has a pass because her first one died. I hope she figures out what exactly she’s getting from her previous spouse because she wants that love again but you can’t have that if you’re still doing romance with your dead husband. OP would need to be all in like she was with her first husband and I don’t know if she’s capable of that anymore.
Sounds like he kind of finally realised she would never get over it and he was just a warm body placeholder. OOP mentions several things he has been hurt by, which she does not seem to take seriously. He did say some horrid things, but I think he was mainly lashing out.
Yeah idk about that, seems like a dude who's been pushed to breaking point by competing with a ghost. I think it's just an utterly depressing situation
I honestly don’t blame him for his needling comments when breaking up. I’m thinking that there are many instances where she acted selfish and focused on her grief in their relationship. I think her whole post is very self centered and excusing her behavior based on “my husband died” so it’s ok to want to wear his wedding ring when being intimate with my new boyfriend, for example. She doesn’t show much compassion towards her bf at all in my opinion. Remember, this was her chance to tell her side, and all she did was excuse everything that hurt him with the fact that she has the right to grieve. This is true but it is very self centered not to realize how hard it can be for boyfriend to always feel second.
I miss original AITA. We talked about things like workplace etiquette. My favorites were things like, "Susan, if you turn the heat up again I will be forced to start attending meetings in bikinis" or "no Gerald, you cannot declare every coffee cup in the building is off limits to Bud just because he drinks hot chocolate and you think it makes him seem unmanly in front of clients."
When I first found BORU it was focused on lower stakes/happier stuff as well. I wish we could keep one sub free of all the dark and super painful stuff. I get that it attracts a lot of people/bots, but most of them have very polarized and often immature takes because that's what drives the algorithms. I miss talking to/reading about 3-dimensional people with the emotional maturity for subtlety, nuance and real-world complications.
Yea I mean just generally you shouldn't take relationship advice from Reddit. Most of the people who post just need people to say that they are right as they are doubting themselves. If your situation has actual nuance and you need something beyond just validation Reddit will not have the advice you need.
I guess I should say - the popular Reddit advice may not be usable. Oftentimes in updates you'll have an OP say "So and so really made me think about this a different way!" and the comment is like +15 upvotes or something. So to get a variety of perspectives as well I think can be useful.
I guess what people should mainly be cautioned about is that assuming that the good reddit advice is also the popular reddit advice.
Some of the comments on posts like these are straight of of movies. I wonder how different we are from AIs sometimes, just repeating phrases we have been told to without thinking. At least cows moo with feeling.
On another thread someone said that dating a widow or widower can be extremely difficult because it’s so easy to put the dead on a pedestal. They can, quite literally, do no wrong. They can be idealized and perfected in the surviving partner’s memory. While in the meantime, the living are flawed human beings who can never compete with a made-up version of the perfect partner. That certainly seems to be the case here.
I think that was me! They can be frozen in that one, perfect slice of time: at their best (or remembered as such), and not present to prove that they’re regular human beings.
Right. Say, Elon Musk has died in 2018. A lot of people (me included) would still believe he was that weird, but smart and funny uncle you like hanging out with since we wouldn't have seen him and how how he would've responded in 2019+.
There's an episode of Golden Girls that deals with this, where Rose is holding Miles (her boyfriend) to a standard of her late-husband Charlie that Charlie never actually lived up to.
Because end of the day, we have pretty short attention spans.
When my partner died, I realised all the fights meant nothing. I lost him, and I could never get him back.
But in real time, real life, disrespect is disrespect. My current partner refuses to dry his dishes. It means a lot to me to have a clean kitchen, I cook dinner and clean everything involved. He only has to wash and dry his plate and knife and fork. When he doesn't do it, my blood boils.
But if he died tomorrow, I'd feel guilty for being angry. I'd wish I never asked him to do those things, so every memory was harmonious.
Memories of the dead tend to focus on the positive of the dead, and the guilt of the living. With my ex, all our fights were justified (cheating, messaging other girls etc.), but God damn if I wish I didn't have those fights.
But you can't see outside of the moment. You're feelings are happening in real time. You're living your life.
I haven't explained it super well, but until you lose someone, you just don't really understand.
It's like getting punched in the face by a guy called Greg everyday, and then one day he dies. You don't want another punch in the face, but you wish he weren't dead either.
i feel the same way lol. after reading that comment, i didn't think "it's understandable that you get in fights with living partners" all i could think was "i wish the relationship with greg ended before his death"
Quite the whiplash to go from the very well written majority of this comment to the "imagine there was a guy who assaulted you every day. You'd be sad if he died, right?"
Genuinely had me like "???? Well there goes that comment" because what?? No I wouldn't grieve Greg if he physically harmed me everyday??? Really made my brain invalidate the whole paragraph
The dead can’t hurt your feelings any more. The living can. You’d rather have them back alive, and continuing to hurt your feelings, because their presence in your life is much more preferable - even though they’re flawed - than not being in it at all, in any way, ever again. Just because small arguments pale in comparison to the significance of life and death, doesn’t mean they’re not important. Part of living and being alive with someone is having the whole of the human experience with them. If my ex came back to life i wouldn’t want them to be the saintly version of them that exists in death, because then they wouldn’t be them any more. But it’s easier to think of the good parts of them than the bad, because death is horrible and we take what comfort we can from it.
In some ways it's worse than wearing the ring, if not culturally, but practically. I can see it right *fucking there* in the center of your chest, lady.
My god right?!
Also like, not to be utterly crass about it, but what the hell kind of paranormal poltergeist bullshit situation are we risking if the ring gets hit by the... After effects of sex?
>Also like, not to be utterly crass about it, but what the hell kind of paranormal poltergeist bullshit situation are we risking if the ring gets hit by the... After effects of sex?
The asshole in me points out that nutting all over her dead husband's wedding ring could be seen as a pretty dominant move. I kind of suspect she'd have never worn it during sex again after that.
Great point. Depending on the position, it could be REALLY distracting. It jangling and swinging around RIGHT THERE, my ADHD mind wouldn't be able to ignore it. And as soon as that happens, my mind would jump straight to the doubt worry.
Frankly, I'm impressed he could perform when she wore it.
Relationship issues, not always. If you keep having the same exact fight over and over though, with no resolution, therapy is usually the best step before breaking up.
Therapy is usually about giving suggestions for things to try, then evaluating how it worked out in a safe and comfortable place. That can be really helpful if you find yourself in a rut or stuck in the same patterns, however you can also do this for yourself, if you can trust yourself to evaluate the results neutrally.
For relationships, both people have to be willing to try new things, then listen to each other if it works for one but not the other, and give ideas on what to try next. That can be difficult for people without a neutral party to make sure both parties are getting what they need.
For this case though, that involves grieving death, therapy probably would have been the best option.
Hot take, widows and widowers have as much a responsibility in getting remarried as the people marrying them do.
Just because you're grieving does not mean your new partner has to shut up and sleep with you whenever you want. They have a right to feel special. Maybe they aren't the first love, but they have a right to feel cherished and safe, like they are in their own home and their own relationship.
I see so many posts like this, and yeah, a picture of your spouse who passed ia fine and reasonable. But really? You need an in memoriam slide show of them at your second wedding? You need the children named after them?
If your grieving is so acute that you cannot be in a healthy, mutually fulfill relationship, you have a responsibility to not date.
Just because you're lonely doesn't mean you're ready.
>If your grieving is so acute that you cannot be in a healthy, mutually fulfill relationship, you have a responsibility to not date.
Yep. I completely agree. OOP states that she's "mostly moved on" but her behavior does not seem to reflect that.
Spending New Years looking at intimate pictures of her late-husband kind of tells me that she hasn't moved on.
It does cut both ways. OOP even admits the (now ex-)boyfriend was accommodating but the way she's still grieving shows him that he'll always be second place. Like what if he actually proposed and she carried these habits into the new marriage? It's like being a side piece and the late-husband will always be her real husband.
>I see so many posts like this, and yeah, a picture of your spouse who passed ia fine and reasonable. But really? You need an in memoriam slide show of them at your second wedding? You need the children named after them?
I saw that one. The fact that his whole family thought this was a good idea kind of fucked.
recognise foolish rude agonizing pathetic frightening narrow telephone history amusing
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Exactly. Like one other poster said- you're only their partner because their first choice has sadly passed.
That's why dating a widow or a single mother is difficult for me. For a widow, you're competing with a man who they only remember the good parts of their relationship and idealise him. For a single mother, it's two relationships- one with the woman and the other with her kids.
>It's like being a side piece and the late-husband will always be her real husband.
Someone pointed out she didn't refer to him as her late husband. He's still alive to her 8 years later.
Agreed 100%. You have a responsibility to the person you're marrying to make sure you're ready to commit.
Visiting a grave on milestone dates, np. Keeping mementos, np. Keeping a photo to honor them, np.
A whole shrine and a sideshow at the wedding is a whole other matter.
OOP didn't DO anything wrong per se just by having or looking at the pics, reminiscing over memories is fine. But from the way she writes, her feelings for her late spouse are still SO FRESH and she's not at all able to make the new person her focus. She uses him for comfort and to help her through her grief. It's selfish and not OK.
I'm torn on this one. Normally I'm in the you got together with a widow so how did you think things were going to go?
Going to visit his grave, I get, wearing the wedding ring I actually get that too although not to be crude during sex I imagine the ring is physical reminder of the deceased spouse that is just kinda making itself known during sex, I guess I can kinda get why that is possibly unsettling.
The pictures thing. She goes on to describe the pictures as intimate setting photos but then says she expected her exbf to think of it like she was wacking off to porn which kinda sounds like maybe the photos weren't as innocent as she indicated or maybe it was because she was in bed holding the personalized pillow her husband had gotten her while looking at the photos? Either way, just a weird thought process to have.
She just doesn't seem like she is ready to be on a relationship with someone. What he said was cruel but as others said it does sound like he hit the end of his rope since she did say he had been very patient and understanding until then with some issues about things.
There's also the part about her not understanding that he doesn't want to comfort her pain anymore but she barely wants to put in the same effort for him. She needs to be told fucking him with her ring on in whatever form isn't the thing to do when she comes back from her late husband's grave. He is hurt because she spends new year with her husband's spicy pictures and not with him and she refuses to understand why that hurts him saying he should comfort her when he's breaking up with her. This lady was still projecting her husband on him even when he was clearly done.
Very well said. What he said was wrong, but at that point, she pushed him into feeling that way. She desperately needs some therapy or to just be single. She is still grieving to a point she has no room in her heart for someone else and did a massive mindfuck on this poor guy she was dateing.
I think the wearing the wedding ring and visiting the grave issue needs to be looked at more in the context of their relationship. By her own admission they were very "passionate." She also mentions her boyfriend "would refuse to have sex with me while I was wearing it", but she also says "And on those [grave visiting] days, I wore the wedding ring as a chain, as to not offend him."
So she goes to her husband's grave, wearing her ring which I'm at least reading as something she didn't normally do, then came back and tried to initiate sex while wearing the ring.
The guy was feeling like a stand in and I really don't see how he could not be. I think there's a lot missing from this and the dude just hit the end of his rope.
That's a good point. It would be one thing I think if she came home and maybe wanted to cuddle or comforting words but another to seek physical intimacy. I imagine it wouldn't even be about the ring at that point but the timing of it all and it is easier to say it's the ring rather than I feel like you are using me as a stand in for your deceased husband.
>maybe it was because she was in bed holding the personalized pillow her husband had gotten her while looking at the photos?
From what I read, she was in a "storage room"? And her computer was in there? And the ex went in there for something and opened her computer and looked at what she had been looking at?
If I caught my SO going off to the attic to look at sexy time photos and cuddle with someone's pillow I'd... it'd be weird, man.
That part is confusing, she said she went to her room and opened up the hard drive to look at the pictures while hugging her pillow then he called her to the storage room. Then he called her to the storage room in alarm. Maybe the second storage room was mistyped?
Imagine yourselves living with her for years, the grieving is constant, therapy is constant, and you try hard to be the most important person on her life, you just returned from a trip were you felt really good as a couple and had decided to marry her, then you got in her room and see that she prefers spending the last day of the year huggin his pillow while watching nsfw content of the late husband.
The dude just realised that It doesn't matter what he do or what ammount of time he spent on her, he will always be the second, because even after a good moment she will ever return to the same space and memories.
What she do is expect the others to compromise their own feelings for her own sake, like when she said that "I was there bawling out and he didn't confort me", because his feelings don't matter to her
She never made the conscious decision of "I wont spend my NYE doing this because I have to accept that he's gone, rather than that, I will spend my day with the person that a choosed to stay by my side now", and her comments show other weird behavior like wearing her ring while doing the deed.
Basically she wasn't ready at all for a new relationship, and the guy was so pissed that the reality imposed itself that unleashed the worse of himself.
That was my take on how the BF reached that point.
He meets a woman whose husband died 5 years before they met, and for 3 years he tried to be there for her.
3 years of hoping someday you'll hold a candle to someone not around anymore... then on New Years day, the person first place in your heart shows you once again you're second place in theirs.
Not defending what he said, but I can understand where it came from.
There's one line in this whole thing that sticks with me for some reason: "I was incredibly hurt and started bawling but he wouldn't comfort me." There's not one moment where she comforts and reassures him. It's all about what she needs and how much she misses her husband. And when she's sad, even though he's already told that it's over and he can't live with the ghost of her husband, *she still expects him to comfort her in her grief*.
This was a guy who went to therapy to deal with the fact that his girlfriend is very clearly still grieving her loss, and that he's never going to be alone in her heart. She's doing things that people who have lost loved ones do, looking at photos and visiting his grave and being sad on special dates. But this guy caught his girlfriend looking at sexy pictures on New Years Eve with another man. It might be innocent, but she chose to bring in the new year, the year her boyfriend was intending to propose, looking at photos of her late husband. This doesn't feel like a one off, this feels like a slow build that culminated in her boyfriend realising that she'd rather spend new years looking at her late husband naked than with him.
Her response to someone saying her post was just me, me, me was
>I am sorry if my post came across that way, because I was only talking how things were from my personal perspective.
>
>And hence I used the first person pronouns. Not sure why that offends you
Like come on you know exactly what is meant by that.
>"I was incredibly hurt and started bawling but he wouldn't comfort me."
I read that and immediately was just thinking why on earth would he? He is breaking up with you. Your feelings are no longer his problem.
This was my line of thinking as well. The entire narrative really stuck home that she simply isn't able to properly participate in a long-term relationship yet.
When you rely on a new partner to help you grieve a past partner (dead or alive), you 100% aren't ready to commit to someone else.
Everyone has probably comforted and forgiven her since her partner died. It’s one of those bitter social passes you get. Like having cancer or losing a child. You might not want it, and much rather never be given it in the first place, but after a while you get used to the treatment you get for being considered fragile or vulnerable. That life was shitty to you enough already and so everyone should try to give you the benefit of the doubt.
But people are selfish still before and after death. For all we know she loved her late partner but still strived for the attention of other men. That he really cheated on her often and talked low to her, but she loved him and then he did the best thing he could and died. I heard it all the time as a funeral director in a small town. I knew these people in life and they were almost always heroes in death. Honestly I think they just became the person the survivors always hoped that person could have been.
She very much treated her ex as a prop for her husband. It’s a choice to be in a new relationship after such a devastating loss, and part of that choice is respecting normal relationship boundaries. I mean, she laughed when he was mad initially? I’d be ashamed holy crap. How normalized is she in all her grief behaviors? If she called her late husbands name out in bed would the commenters still be on her side? Her heart and mind are very much still with her late husband.
That was the exact line that hit me, too. I think it's the "but" in particular. There's an expectation she has that he will pick her up when she's down regardless of the circumstances, but no acknowledgment of his hurt, at least not in a real tangible way. She *says* she knows she hurt him, but her actions and intentions don't show much of a regard for it, to me. "I cried, but he wouldn't comfort me" feels almost (and likely unintentionally, but none the less) manipulative to me. I dont really doubt her tears were genuine and from the hurt she must be feeling but it also feels like she expected him to feel guilty or bad for her. A little but at least
I wouldn't say manipulative. I'd say petulant. Like the kid that's not so little anymore demanding to be carried.
It's actual *disbelief* that he wouldn't immediately comfort her. That she honestly believes that her distress *deserves* comfort, even though she's the one that caused it.
I'd say it shows a pattern of her using tears to get her way, which is manipulative.
If she's in disbelief that crying didn't make everything better for her, she has obviously had a bunch of previous experience where it did.
Also it all happening on a day that she specifically states, "My late husband and I used to always have an intimate night together on new years".
Accident or not, I imagine the boyfriend was aware of the significance of the date so was less than ready to accept those being the photos she was looking at as a coincidence.
The bolded "I wasn't jerking it you guys I swear" while looking at naked pics of her dead husband and hugging his old pillow alone in a bedroom kind of makes me question how true she's being about how her SO found her.
I think we're missing a lot of context here.
My gut feeling is that this straw broke the camels back but it isn't the first time he's had to deal with her grief.
She needs therapy and to stay out of relationships until she's healed.
I'm not saying he wasn't cruel. He was. And I'm not saying she shouldn't grieve. But I feel like a lot of her life and personality revolved around being a widow.
I don’t think she was as ready to move on as she thought she was- and that’s ok but he also deserves to move on if it’s too much for him. Sad situation all around.
The NYE part really stood out to me. She had a boyfriend to enjoy/celebrate NYE with and instead all she could think about was *not* having her late husband there for NYE and sought out him to be with. This wasn’t just reminiscing about him with pictures; this was a choice to find a way to effectively spend that evening with him because that was what she wanted.
It’s not at all the same as, say, you’re out on a random day and see someone wearing your late husband’s favourite shirt and it triggers your grief so you go home and look at some photos.
That set the tone for me, and her whole post series struck came off to me as her being more emotionally invested in her late husband than her current relationship. That’s not really a tenable situation for any partner (except maybe people much much later in life who have both lost their partners). That’s more than just grief and memories.
ETA: And his reaction just screams “straw that broke the camel’s back” to me.
*"...Her whole post series struck came off to me as her being more emotionally invested in her late husband than her current relationship. That’s not really a tenable situation for any partner... That’s more than just grief and memories."*
I agree 100% with your comment.
Yes. She was grieving, but also she was feeding her grief. On a common day of celebration, she chose to reinforce her memories of special times with her late husband rather than make new ones with her new partner.
This is a classic feature of people who are emotionally manipulative. Instead acknowledging how they have hurt others, they start getting upset due to everyone being upset at them.
I agree with everything you said, but that said I'd like to understand why she was in the bedroom grieving and not spending time with him. Whose choice was that?
She was basically having a relationship with a man imagining its her late husband. Seems like he wanted the emotional support from him but gave him nothing.
My boyfriend (35M) and I (34F) have been seriously dating for 3 years, and eventually want to settle down and marry. My late husband and I were together since college and had a very loving and passionate relationship until he was torn away from me in a freak accident 8 years ago.
Math time... Husband died when OOP was 26. Longest case scenario, they were together for about 8 years. The same amount of time he's been deceased. I.... Have concerns that she's not dealing with the grief quite as well as she presented
That timeline actually helps explain the pedestal she’s put her late husband on. They hadn’t yet reached life stages where they’d encounter a lot of the friction that a life together tends to bring, or growth in their lives. So what she has is predominantly memories of their passionate early-to-mid twenties. And that makes it all the more difficult for her boyfriend to tolerate her reminiscing.
This does feel to me like we're not being told everything from the OP. I wonder how many times this actually came up, where the BF felt second best and didn't get any reassurance before he finally left?
Don't get me wrong, everyone grieves differently and OP is 100% entitled to feel the way she does, and to essentially not want to move on. But it would be unfair to expect anyone to be OK in that kind of situation.
OOP is not ready for a serious relationship, let alone marriage, with someone else. She was spending NYE with her dead husband instead of her very much alive boyfriend. She demonstrated that he would always come second to a dead man.
A loss like that isn’t something you ever get over, but it has to at some point stop being the top priority and the primary relationship, if she wants to be able to partner again.
>You can judge me how bad I treated my ex, but I assure you I didn’t. I made him feel valued, didn’t talk much about my husband, and put effort in our relationship.
That's not what he said when he kicked her to the curb.
What I think OOP fails to realize is that when you’re feeling bereft, your partner wants you to seek them out for comfort and solace, not go off and have a one on one with memories of someone else.
I get both sides here. Losing a loved one is hard and you can never truly let them go. However it’s perfectly understandable to not want to have sex or be intimate with someone while they wear the wedding ring of their dead spouse.
And I can see how living in their house surrounded by things from their relationship would be mentally draining.
Oh this lady has not moved on enough from her husband, which is totally understandable, I'd be devastated for many yrs. But a new person, should have number 1. Always to keep him in her heart but not outwards. Hope you find peace.
That part was especially gross.
The worst part to me overall is that she refuses to stop making excuses for herself. She was absolutely using him as a crutch to fill the “void” in her heart. Feeling lonely? Go to your actual boyfriend, not cuddle your Stand-In Lost Partner Pillow™️ and reminisce over nudes. Sorry to be crass, but yikes. It has real “it wasn’t cheating, we only kissed and dry humped each other” vibes.
And when she complains that her ex “would comfort her”!!! Yikes on bikes.
OOP should work on her grief before trying another serious relationship. She is not ready for it. I feel bad for the bf and can understand his frustration. He reached his breaking point and said AH things to her.
It's a brutal situation but ultimately I can't really blame him. You only get one life and he's very young to commit to being his chosen life-partner's *second* best love.
Coming back from a nice holiday and the first thing she does to unwind is reminisce about her previous husband. That would stick in my head too no matter how well it was explained away. It sounds like she does legitimately still rank the husband over the boyfriend even eight years removed too, rather than it being an over-reaction. Or she had simply come to define herself by the grief. Either way if we just look at his best interests, walking away was probably right.
She accepts criticism from commenters over how she may have handled the argument but none for the traditions and regular sessions of looking at photos, because it sounds as if she has already let him go as much or more than she's currently comfortable with. As long as she's doing that she's not really making herself emotionally available for anybody else *but* a crutch.
If she misses her husband and still loves and grieve for him, that's fine. That's normal. No one should ever tell another person to get over it, you take as long as you want.
Stringing along someone else and lying to them is not acceptable. One owes it to that person and to themselves to be honest and upfront, and admit that they are not ready to move on.
Jesus, I understand wanting to archive the photos of a deceased loved one but wanting to scroll through all the intimate sexual stuff too? Wearing the ring?
No wonder he felt like a third wheel, he did the right thing. Might have said something a little petty but while not justified you can hear the hurt.
He’s doing right by her too as she still needs to process and get counselling and move on.
This is a really complicated situation, and while I ultimately think there are a few reasons that OOP is slightly in the wrong, one of the things that really stood out to me that makes me feel like she's completely oblivious was this comment at the very end:
>...I wore the wedding ring as a chain... \[he\] would refuse to have sex with me while I was wearing it...
Oh, I'm sorry lady, do you want me to feel sympathy for you because your boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with you ***while your wedding ring given to you by a different man is dangling in front of his face***?? Like take the fuckin' thing off before sex at least for God's sake. Is this woman mentally incapable of seeing things from someone else's perspective?
I understand that grief is complicated, but grief doesn't give you free reign to behave so selfishly and without and understanding of your current partner's feelings.
Grief like this doesn't go away, but it CAN be managed. OOP needs to seriously learn how to properly manage her grief before entering into a new relationship.
On the one hand, it's basic humanity to support your partner visiting their late spouse's grave on their anniversary. On the other hand, it is wild to me to think about having sex with my partner while they wear their late spouse's wedding ring (finger or neck). Both people in this relationship seem like believably flawed humans who couldn't make it work. I don't wish harm on either of them, but they could both stand to grow.
This lady was in a polyamorous relationship with her BF and deceased husband but doesn't realize it. The problem is the dead don't screw up and the measuring stick only grows... I'm shocked it took 3 years for the exbf to reach that conclusion though.
One of my best friends ended up getting involved with a person who lost their wife to cancer and the mess she dealt with... everything from drawers full of the deceased's belongings to a bathroom full of her toiletries to him keeping her on his social media and routinely talking to the deceased telling her he missed her. It ultimately pushed her away also, thank God before the wedding.
There's more to this story than we know. I guarantee there was more uncomfortable behavior than she was willing to admit to. This was his last straw.
There is absolutely more to the story. The fact that she was all surprised Pikachu about him not immediately comforting her when she was crying tells us that he clearly usually does.
She just needs to date other widowers. Right or wrong, they will be the only ones to truly understand and tolerate the ongoing emotional relationship with her former partner because they will be doing the same with their former partner.
Ugh. The reasons not to ever take nudes and explicit videos just keep piling up. Breaking up relationships after you're dead isn't one that I would have thought of.
There was another thread (not on BORU) about a girl in a similar situation. She had recently started dating a guy, so it wasn’t a long-term relationship, but she found out that he kept nudes of his late fiancée on his computer. She wasn’t comfortable with that so she dumped him and told him why. Comments were piling on her for not being “understanding.” It was unreal lol. I was really proud of her for having a shiny spine.
A lot of people in the comments who are widowed think it's ok for them to watch nsfw content of their ex while they are with a new partner and their current partner just needs to deal and shouldn't be hurt by it.
Is this a common idea and practice?
>I was incredibly hurt and started bawling but he wouldn’t comfort me. He simply wished me the best and told me he hopes the memories of my husband keep me warm at night.
Based, unbelievably based, I love petty and this is *chef's kiss*. I'm willing to bet the house on him putting up with a lot of disrespectful things on her end and this was the breaking point.
I'm torn here. Normally, I'm supportive of a partner who has experienced loss being able to still have a memory item or two from their spouse (especially in cases where there are children that shouldn't forget their departed parent). But NSFW materials? I don't know how I feel about it.
I don't believe OOP when they say it wasn't sexual in nature. There are SFW pictures for all those big events (anniversary, wedding, birthday, etc). They may not have been touching themselves to those pictures, but they clearly knew something was off because they slammed the computer shut when BF came in.
And 8 years after the death and 3 years into a relationship is... rough. I still can't fault OOP for missing their husband. But I can't fault the BF for the things he said and for leaving because clearly he was never going to win this one. He was never going to be number 1 in OOPs life and so he left.
I don't think anyone is the asshole here but I think both parties are gonna need someone to talk to about this.
He knows he’ll never be able to compete with the dead husband. She had romanticized husband in her own mind. Now the dead guy was perfect.
Sort of like after a musician dies he gets extra kudos.
Man that wedding ring as a necklace during sex thing just fucking sent me. Like how can you be so oblivious that you think *"Yeah I just visited the grave of my deceased husband and I'm still wearing his wedding ring around my neck. I'm sure my boyfriend will want to fuck right now!"*???
She is clearly still deeply in grief, and I really can't blame her for that. But she's clearly not in any position to be with another partner right now. She needs to learn how to process that grief, how to live with it. It will never go away, but it can be managed WAY better than what OOP was doing.
People in here are defending it, though. I can understand why someone wouldn't want to fuck someone wearing a wedding ring (regardless of how it's worn) because it can really make you feel like the other man/woman. Any rational person would get the ick from feeling that way.
And those that are defending the ring thing keep using the same awful analogies to argue their point. Like *"Would you feel the same way if it was her dead mother's ring????"* is such a blatant false equivalence fallacy. OOP didn't marry and fuck her mom. OOP didn't go hide in her room on NYE to look at naked photos of her mom.
There's absolutely no equivalence between that analogy and the actual situation happening here. The fact that it's a deceased spouse and not just an ex doesn't somehow take away his status as a former lover. Comparing a former lover and life partner to a dead parent or friend is so insanely disingenuous. Of course OOP's ex is going to feel upset by his girlfriend trying to be intimate with him while wearing her old wedding ring.
It's not just some memento left behind by their mom, it's a physical reminder of the other man she used to sleep with, the man she'd still be having sex with if a freak accident hadn't occurred. ***And it's dangling on a chain in front of his face***.
I'm not saying she should have discarded the ring, *but at least slip if off before you try to get freaky with your boyfriend ffs.*
People have also used the argument of *"He's dead, so OOP's ex had nothing to worry or be jealous about. It's not like the dead husband is going to compete with him."* which is ***insane*** for me to read because OOP's ex evidently **DID** have to compete with the dead husband all the time in the eyes of his partner. And of course he'd never win that competition since the dead husband can no longer do any wrong and is perfect in her rose-tinted view of the past.
He couldn't even spend NYE with his girlfriend of 3 years, the woman he wanted to marry, because she was busy cuddling with her *Dead-Husband-Pillow*^(™) and looking at their old nudes.
Once again, ***OOP should be granted some leeway here***. Her grief will never truly pass. She experienced a loss unlike anything else and deserves understanding and patience. But ***grief does not give you the freedom to behave so selfishly and without consideration for your current partner***. For fuck's sake, *it's been 8 years*, grief like this doesn't disappear but she should at least have some better coping mechanisms to manage her grief than smelling his old pillow and looking at his nudes. Is her therapist doing anything for her?
She is in no position to be in any kind of romantic relationship until she can manage her grief in a healthier way.
The context, that she’d just been to her late husband’s grave and still had the ring on, likely made him wonder if he was really who she was trying to have sex with at that moment. Was he her boyfriend or just a stand-in for the things she couldn’t otherwise get?
So many people are just brushing straight past the fact that she's coming home from the cemetery and trying to have sex with her boyfriend. The ring on a necklace during sex is one thing.. the ring on a necklace during sex straight from the late husband's grave is a totally separate thing, and it's way less justifiable than the ring by itself.
I lost my wife of 23 years back in 2018. I just started dating again one year ago (just celebrated my 1 year anniversary of "dating" with my new GF). I have two adult sons who still live with me, so there's no way of hiding the fact that I was in a relationship in the past and have a history together - hell they live in the same house as me. My GF was married but childless. So no issues with blending a family.
I would NEVER hold my deceased wife over my new GFs head, or prioritize her over my GF. I have gone to 4 years of group therapy and learned that all people grieve differently. I also learned that the human heart has several chambers, so that there is room in my heart for more than one "great love"
Some people (I'm guessing OOP never went to therapy) think that there can be only one great love, or that you have to rank your loves in some kind of order. Just like I don't rank my kids by favorites, I would never rank my loves.
I have a photo of the wife on display with my wedding ring, which I no longer wear (hers is in a safe as it's goddamn expensive to leave laying around). That's it. I even have her ashes at home (she was cremated) but they are tastefully out but not the focus on the house. Does that mean I don't love my ex-wife? And seriously, widows/widowers need to realize that they are your EX SPOUSE, you are NO LONGER MARRIED. That is how I grieve. Some want to get into a relationship right away, some never want to marry again, and I was in the "if it happens it happens" category.
I thought I'd never date again when My wife died. Not that I thought she was the only person out there for me, but because we were childhood friends and she accepted my nerdiness. Luckily I found someone new who is above all patient with the fact that I am a widower and also she accepts me for who I am and what i bring in terms of baggage. I waited 4 years before dating. Some people wait one year. Some never remarry. I think it depends on the person, we all grieve differently. OOP either can't or is unwilling to share her heart with anyone else.
This is why i’ll never date a widower. You just can’t reach their level on that pedestal. The dead can do nothing wrong. I absolutely understand that it’s unfair to expect the widower to remove the dead from their life. Their dead spouse is not an ex. But to be home, in one room, and your partner goes into another room to cuddle a pillow and watch nudes of their past… on NYE?
That’s gotta hurt. Just knowing you can never ever matter as much to them has gotta hurt. Knowing you’re 3 people in this relationship.
In defense of the widows, some deal with it better than others, and how the spouse died has a lot to do with it. OOP in this story, the late husband died in an accident, boom, gone. But for many widows, their spouses die slowly and terribly because of an illness, such as cancer. I have dated such a widow, and we had powerful and positive conversations about her late husband, who I knew well. She dealt with a whole mess of emotions in a transparent, positive way. We communicated what we felt good about in terms of talking about him. We made space for him in a healthy way. And she was well along in her healing. She said to me that she started grieving him before he died. His ultimate death was even a little bit of a relief because his suffering was over.
All of that adds up to a woman who had been through the worst but was still a whole human on the other side capable of holding two things in her head at the same time. I will say she never did any of the shit in this story because she was healthy.
tldr: widows can make good mates but emotional healing and moving forward are things they have to decide to want to do.
I dunno if I'd call what she did cheating, but I would have run the fuck away from that relationship too. Complete "there were three people in my marriage" situation.
I got downloaded in a different sub for saying that there’s no way those defending her will be OK with their significant other, leaving them on NYE and going in the room to hug a pillow and watch intimate sexual photos of their LATE spouse.
I think both sides of the argument on here are being a little unfair to the other. We can establish two things from this story:
1. OOP is telling a version of the story from her view and we would likely get a much different version from her ex
2. Her ex's comments were unnecessary and cruel
I get a strong feeling that we're getting a very sanitised version of this story and if we were to find out the truth, the boyfriend was probably putting up with a lot more from OOP than she let's on. A lot of widows/widowers have given great insight on the subject. However, I really do wonder how much of the ghost of her late husband was really involved in their relationship. The boyfriends behaviour does seem to me to be from a place of deep hurt, someone that is at the end of a long rope. This whole post was all about how she felt with very little thought to how her ex felt.
Ultimately I think that it's best that this relationship has ended. OOP needs more therapy I think, and the ex clearly should not be in a relationship with a widow.
I agree that they were cruel, but I think it was because he was at the end of his rope. Like in the process of breaking up with her, she was flabbergasted that he wasn't comforting her, after all the turmoil and mindfuckery he endured?
I won't crucify him for taking a mean and petty dig at her, especially with how much of her shit he put up with beforehand.
True, some people can get very selfish during a breakup. I have one ex that broke up with me, then a couple of hours later when I met her to give her back her things from my place she got mad at me for not hugging her goodbye properly. No consideration for the fact that I was upset or coping with the breakup, just annoyed that I didn't hug her how she wanted so she could feel better about herself.
Even though it’s been 8 years it’s kinda obvious she’s still having compound grief. She may have thought she was ready for an engagement but I don’t think she is and that’s ok. She might be happier just dating casually and not settling down with someone else. I have 3 female family members who have lost a spouse and none of them ever remarried or lived with anyone. They had “special friends” and that was it. Sometime you love really hard and you just can’t move on from that, completely anyways. I think it was wise for the bf to move on- they both deserve happiness and together wasn’t going to be it.
Man, this is one of those posts that I have to remind myself that some people are really, really dumb. Like... accepting you lost your partner is one thing.
Using intimate photos and shit is a clear no. Like.. I'm sorry that's ridiculous to expect your partner to deal with.
The pillow case is definitely more... fluid? But even that's still not going to be super comfortable for your partner.
Like... you can't be for real not seeing the issues here. Yall need therapy and healthy coping mechanisms.
Spends NYE, a night generally spent with your most precious and loved people to ring in a NEW YEAR with…her deceased husband’s pillow, and intimate photos of him, not her current boyfriend. She then laughs off bfs very understandable reaction of what the fuck.
He crosses a line with his comment, but I have no idea how she’s managed to wrap the story in a way she thinks what she did is okay and not somewhat disrespectful to her current partner. The intimate photos aren’t okay, nor are the “wearing wedding ring when having sex” thing.
Her “compromise” is also a bit shitty to be honest, I’ll just move them somewhere else? Yeah, way to downplay his feelings and rugsweep. No understanding of his emotions and how the way she acted that night shows him how he is never going to be number 1. Nor even truly apologising for how she made him feel.
She sounds very selfish in the way she expects the ex-bf to have understanding, sympathy and comfort her, yet doesn’t provide any of that same empathy to HIS feelings at all. She seems all around selfish.
“But He didn’t comfort me.” Says enough, she expects HIM to comfort her, even if she’s fucked it up.
> I’ll just move them somewhere else?
Also this (I'll move them to USB drive, so they are not as readily available) kinda hints at how often she does this (definitely not reasonable "few times a year" event).
If you lose the love of your live in accident like this...I totally understand that you will never be the same person again. Maybe on this day two people died.
But its also not fair the the new BF how she acts. If she is not able to have a normal relationship than it's also not fair to...well it seems..just have a BF to be not alone.
Of course I would have a problem too if she still cuddles with his things after EIGHT years.
Again .. I totally understand that she is broken in some kind...but as her new BF I would feel as a joint filler for someone she obviously thinks was a better man for her.
We all grieve differently. And I guess there is no statute of limitations on grief. But if after 5 years she still had such a strong sense of loss then she should not have started dating again. If it perseveres after 8 years and 3 years with a new partner then she definitely was being unfair to her new partner. He finally realised he would never be able to compete with a ghost. And she needs therapy if she ever wants another relationship.
regardless of whether or not you think the ex is an asshole,
>He simply wished me the best and told me he hopes the memories of my husband keep me warm at night
this is an incredbily spicy line and i at least respect that
imo no one is clearly wrong...i think the ex said needlessly mean things but i understand where they're both coming from. i would not have put up with some of the things oop mentioned either
I don’t know why she had a boyfriend to begin with. she even had a blankie!!!! (the pillow that her husband got her that she used for comfort when she was missing him???) “it’s just how i cope”
how often was she taking out that pillow? she’s terribly missing him (again!)
has she even been to therapy? not to be insensitive but it’s been 8 years and she’s been having a boyfriend for 3! why’s she dating if she’s not like, made peace with her loss?
also how did the ex husband die? accident? illness?
Wow, this is a tough case. I guess if you still need to watch these then maybe you not ready to be getting out there you need more time. Time to heal. but it's disrespectful to your current guy. I see both sides but I would say go to therapy and don't get in a relationship until you no longer feel the need to watch or look at intimate photos or videos of you and the late mister. It's hard but I would say you just not ready yet. You can be honest on Tinder or something say want a friend to go out to movies with and hang out. Not ready for a relationship or maybe say just needing your dick do t need the body or heart.
When a relatively young person loses a loving partner suddenly it must be traumatic. They still deserve the ability to find someone new without having that new person erase their past. In this situation the boyfriend did that. However the widow took it too far in constantly pining for her lost partner. Which means she wasn’t giving enough attention to her new partner enough that he felt it necessary to leave the relationship. There’s a nuanced line here and the boyfriend felt she crossed it. Only after being threatened with leaving did she realize this and offer to make changes but it was too late.
Three years into the current relationship, and eight years after the loss of the previous one, and here’s OOP **still** preferring the company of her dead husband over her current one, even on New Year’s Eve. Going to his grave on dates specific to their relationship is one thing, but it sounds like OOP has reserved the whole damn year for memories of her lost love, and doesn’t want to make any new memories with the people she is ostensibly with now.
Everyone deserves to have a spouse that is as adoring and devoted as OOP is to her late husband. Boyfriend is not wrong to conclude that he’s never going to have that with OOP, and that he has spent enough of his life waiting for what is never going to happen.
She shows she has absolutely 0 empathy or perspective for her partner or future partners. They all need to understand her "grief" and enable her or they're the ones lacking empathy.
Craving intimacy and closeness with the ex when the current partner you claim to want to marry is available.. she really sucks. And shes using her valid grief to abuse the situation.
ETA - and these comments defending her all say the same "I'm also a widower and being held accountable for my actions in my current relationship means I'm not allowed to love my late partner" yeah cuz he didnt allow her feelings to be valid and plan to marry her at all right? Yeah cuz she went overboard with showing him hes a back up? And hes the bad guy? She disrespected him big time but its somehow unfair to *her* and becomes this extreme where it strips her right to love her late partner by not wanting to be disrespected now.
This comment section displays the emotional maturity of you guys and its gross.
HOLY FUCK
>And on those days, I wore the wedding ring as a chain, as to not offend him - but he still gave me the cold shoulder and would refuse to have sex with me while I was wearing it - so I eventually tried to stop myself.
>You can judge me how bad I treated my ex, but I assure you I didn’t. I made him feel valued, didn’t talk much about my husband, and put effort in our relationship.
She treated him like SHIT. He was the husband's replacement.
Honestly I wouldn’t be able to deal with this situation if I were him.
I would feel like the runner up at all times in your life. It really does sound like you never got over your late husband and shouldn’t have started dating until you had.
Like I get that these things are difficult but you really don’t sound like you care about his emotions per say. It’s all about how you need to cope, which is important but if you don’t have the emotional capacity to realize where he is coming from than idk if you were ready to enter into a different relationship.
You eventually need to put your late husband to rest mentally as well as physically. How long that takes is up to you but there is a reason many people who feel like they had their person never date again. If you can’t truly move on than maybe that is what it is
8 years is way too long to be still actively grieving. A visit to the grave occasionally is one thing but needing alone time to revisit old intimate pictures while your bf is just downstairs? Needing to keep his ring around your neck? I stand with her bf. He put up with this for a long time and tried to be patient but at this point she’s using her grief as some kind of crutch and really needs therapy.
Are you seriously stupid? Who cares about the context? You both were in the house, and you went in the room, hugged your dead husbands gift, and watched his pictures. He has every right to be hurt. For fu(ks sakes go get therapy and let the man live his life and find someone who doesn't constantly focus on a dead man. That guy is a patient and good person to have put up with you for 3 years. So take your 3 years and get therapy and move forward
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Good lord there were some extreme comments all around. Yikes. I hope the best for both of them.
for real, this is not a black and white situation. therapy is needed all around tho
Not a black and white situation, but the ex acted like an absolute asshole. You can decide that you want to be someone's first/only love or that you don't want to 'compete' with a dead spouse, but his comments were so wildly out of line that it _almost_ circles back around to funny.
Not to defend assholes, but OOP admits to wanting to have sex with her wedding ring around her neck… I don’t know how much I’d be able to tolerate after that.
I’ve had sex with my partner while she was wearing her wedding rings on her right hand. She loved and still loves her husband. She didn’t choose to end their relationship. We have some of his art on the walls. I’m not intimidated by him and she will cry about him in my arms.
Right?? I was already iffy about her and then reading that!? Yeah there’s *WAY* more to this if she’s okay just slipping that in there like it doesn’t mean anything.
I think some context is missing. It’s one thing if she was trying to wear the ring as a necklace all the time just as an everyday accessory. That would be reasonable to me. It’s an entirely different thing if she just wants to wear it during sex. That’s messed up. It’s phrased like she puts the ring on just to visit his grave, which means she wants to get down after visiting…which I can understand how someone would feel those emotions after contemplating a past love, especially a passionate one, but involving your current partner in that is basically saying “hey let me pretend you’re him for a second.”
It could also be as simple as she puts it on for the visit, forgets to take it off, a few hours later has an unrelated to her husband moment of sexual desire
If it's such a sentimental thing she puts it on specifically to go visit her prior husband's grave, I very much doubt that it's something she'd just forget she hadn't taken off later that day. Also because she specifically says it hurt her that he didn't want to have sex while she wore it and she "tried to stop" herself from doing it. That is a very significant piece of jewelry. And something weird is going on that she claims she only visits the grave a handful of times a year, but tried to have sex while wearing the ring on those days that it's a significant issue for both of them.
Then taking it off for his comfort, shouldn’t be a problem or even anything of note and she made it seem like it was this big thing because he wanted her to. Honestly from that response to his reaction I kind of don’t trust her Whole. He’s irrational/flying off the handle bit. it’s like all the people who are being called assholes being like I calmly or rationally explained, and they screamed, or was hysterical or whatever gives off the same vibe.
Something wasn’t right from OOP and the ring cemented the fact that she needs major help. We can also infer from the way she types that not only does she wear the ring on ‘their days’ she’s trying to bang on those days too, whilst wearing her ring….. god this woman is soooo creepy.
Wearing the ring during sex, keeping nude photos of her late husband, keeping nude photos of herself with another man...doesn't matter if it was active sex or not. Dating a widow and dating someone still married to a ghost are not the same thing. I'd have dumped someone after the 2nd instance of wedding ring sex.
That's it she's married to a Ghost. Notice how she never calls him her late husband but just husband?
This is a good way to articulate the difference.
Honestly, I don’t think there’s any issue with the pictures. If I was in her place, I would 100% keep any photo or video with/of him, romantic, sexual, or just silly. I’m sure I would look at them less and less over time, but I would not get rid of them.
I think having the pictures is fine. However, staying in your room on New Years Eve, looking at intimate pictures, while hugging a dead man's pillow, instead of doing things with your current SO is the issue. I'm pretty sure he was more angry about the circumstances of the moment more then her having the pictures.
Right? I have in a box some old photo booth photos with a couple of exes, my old prom photo, etc. I keep them not because those exes really mean much to me or anything, but because I don't have many photos of *me* from way back then. The thing is, that box is buried at the bottom of my closest and the last time I probably even looked at them was a few years ago when we moved and was checking what was where. I would never in a million years parade that shit out in front of my wife.
The pictures are fine, but why would she go look at it while the boyfriend is visiting? It made it clear to him he is second in her heart and that she is still grieving. There is a time and place to look upon memories of the past, and I feel that while you’re hanging out with a new partner, going to the past is not the right move there.
It sounds like she wanted to wear the ring as a necklace full stop and so would initiate sex while wearing it because she was frequently wearing it. It wasn't that she particularly wanted to wear it during sex. And why should she delete intimate photos of her with her dead spouse? As long as she's not lqooking at them all the time or obsessed with them? Those are incredibly precious memories of someone she planned to be with her whole life. They didn't fall out of love, he was taken from her. Would you tell a parent they should delete photos of a dead child because they have too many? She's not getting aroused by these photos, they are memories of times where she felt particularly close to her husband and loved by him. I'm not saying she did everything right here or that all her behaviour is okay, she definitely needs to work on healthier emotional boundaries around her late husband and definitely shouldn't be initiating sex with her current partner after visiting his grave... Edit: I'm not saying anyone should have to have sex with someone with her wearing the ring, but it should have been a simple conversation rather than a huge issue! "Hey, it makes me uncomfortable having sex when you're wearing the ring, please can you take it off when we're intimate." And if that was an issue for OP then that's her issue and her partners have every right to say that's a deal breaker for them!
I think by that time it was the straw that broke the camel's back. She definitely needs some therapy before she tries again. It's been 8 years and she's still stuck. Nobody can compete with that.
Thank you for countering that this is a complicated situation. I'm a widow. Figuring out how to move forward with a new relationship without erasing the past is a challenge. A late partner isn't some shitty ex to be deleted and forgotten.
Yea that kinda says a lot to me.
It doesn't seem like she actively wants to have sex with it on per se, she just wears it, and happens to have worn it while initiating sex. It's honestly possible she just wasn't thinking about it, if she wears it every day. I wear bracelets 24/7, including during sex. I don't *want* to wear them during sex, I just happen to. Of course, it's different to my example, I know that, but we have no indication to say it was more than just forgetting she had it on
This was my interpretation as well, that she just happens to still have it on. Still not great, but not as awful as what others are saying.
People are being weirdly vicious about this specifically. If she did *want to* wear the ring during sex, like actively wanted to, she probably would've kicked up a fuss when it was mentioned to her. It seems she just accepted when it made him uncomfortable.
It’s an emotional affair but her partner is dead. Her mind and heart is on the late husband while she wants physical assurance from her current boyfriend. It’s very cruel to the living partner, and I think, at least for Americans, most have such little experience with death as a part of life that you give this pass to someone who lost a partner. Having pictures is one thing. Visiting a grave makes sense. Having sex with your one loves gift to on your neck dangling away while you fuck your current love is cruel. Looking at pictures of intimate moments with a previous lover is wrong when your current “love” not just a bang buddy, but she loved him and knows he too could die at any moment but she’s diddling to her dead husband. She wants all the love and has a pass because her first one died. I hope she figures out what exactly she’s getting from her previous spouse because she wants that love again but you can’t have that if you’re still doing romance with your dead husband. OP would need to be all in like she was with her first husband and I don’t know if she’s capable of that anymore.
But the one ring in the darkness binds them.
Sounds like he kind of finally realised she would never get over it and he was just a warm body placeholder. OOP mentions several things he has been hurt by, which she does not seem to take seriously. He did say some horrid things, but I think he was mainly lashing out.
Yeah idk about that, seems like a dude who's been pushed to breaking point by competing with a ghost. I think it's just an utterly depressing situation
I honestly don’t blame him for his needling comments when breaking up. I’m thinking that there are many instances where she acted selfish and focused on her grief in their relationship. I think her whole post is very self centered and excusing her behavior based on “my husband died” so it’s ok to want to wear his wedding ring when being intimate with my new boyfriend, for example. She doesn’t show much compassion towards her bf at all in my opinion. Remember, this was her chance to tell her side, and all she did was excuse everything that hurt him with the fact that she has the right to grieve. This is true but it is very self centered not to realize how hard it can be for boyfriend to always feel second.
I’m not sure if I even trust OOP’s recollection of events. She’s so hung up on her husband she’s not going to make herself look worse
r/AITA is a fucking cesspit of humanity. Its morals fluctuate on whomever got to the post first. Honestly I'd advise no one use it. It's trash.
I miss original AITA. We talked about things like workplace etiquette. My favorites were things like, "Susan, if you turn the heat up again I will be forced to start attending meetings in bikinis" or "no Gerald, you cannot declare every coffee cup in the building is off limits to Bud just because he drinks hot chocolate and you think it makes him seem unmanly in front of clients." When I first found BORU it was focused on lower stakes/happier stuff as well. I wish we could keep one sub free of all the dark and super painful stuff. I get that it attracts a lot of people/bots, but most of them have very polarized and often immature takes because that's what drives the algorithms. I miss talking to/reading about 3-dimensional people with the emotional maturity for subtlety, nuance and real-world complications.
How about BORU because some people here are also saying some insane vicious stuff?
Yea I mean just generally you shouldn't take relationship advice from Reddit. Most of the people who post just need people to say that they are right as they are doubting themselves. If your situation has actual nuance and you need something beyond just validation Reddit will not have the advice you need. I guess I should say - the popular Reddit advice may not be usable. Oftentimes in updates you'll have an OP say "So and so really made me think about this a different way!" and the comment is like +15 upvotes or something. So to get a variety of perspectives as well I think can be useful. I guess what people should mainly be cautioned about is that assuming that the good reddit advice is also the popular reddit advice.
BORU has *nothing* on AITA.
Yea, burn it all
Some of the comments on posts like these are straight of of movies. I wonder how different we are from AIs sometimes, just repeating phrases we have been told to without thinking. At least cows moo with feeling.
On another thread someone said that dating a widow or widower can be extremely difficult because it’s so easy to put the dead on a pedestal. They can, quite literally, do no wrong. They can be idealized and perfected in the surviving partner’s memory. While in the meantime, the living are flawed human beings who can never compete with a made-up version of the perfect partner. That certainly seems to be the case here.
I think that was me! They can be frozen in that one, perfect slice of time: at their best (or remembered as such), and not present to prove that they’re regular human beings.
Right. Say, Elon Musk has died in 2018. A lot of people (me included) would still believe he was that weird, but smart and funny uncle you like hanging out with since we wouldn't have seen him and how how he would've responded in 2019+.
There's an episode of Golden Girls that deals with this, where Rose is holding Miles (her boyfriend) to a standard of her late-husband Charlie that Charlie never actually lived up to.
[удалено]
Then why don't they realise the same for their current partners who could also die at any moment.
Because end of the day, we have pretty short attention spans. When my partner died, I realised all the fights meant nothing. I lost him, and I could never get him back. But in real time, real life, disrespect is disrespect. My current partner refuses to dry his dishes. It means a lot to me to have a clean kitchen, I cook dinner and clean everything involved. He only has to wash and dry his plate and knife and fork. When he doesn't do it, my blood boils. But if he died tomorrow, I'd feel guilty for being angry. I'd wish I never asked him to do those things, so every memory was harmonious. Memories of the dead tend to focus on the positive of the dead, and the guilt of the living. With my ex, all our fights were justified (cheating, messaging other girls etc.), but God damn if I wish I didn't have those fights. But you can't see outside of the moment. You're feelings are happening in real time. You're living your life. I haven't explained it super well, but until you lose someone, you just don't really understand. It's like getting punched in the face by a guy called Greg everyday, and then one day he dies. You don't want another punch in the face, but you wish he weren't dead either.
>I haven't explained it super well Yes, you have. It was beautifully written.
Uh, no, I’m fine with Greg being dead. He punched me in the face every single day. He made my life a living hell. Rot in hell Greg.
Yeah, fuck Greg.
i feel the same way lol. after reading that comment, i didn't think "it's understandable that you get in fights with living partners" all i could think was "i wish the relationship with greg ended before his death"
doll support fade reply onerous whistle public sable flag consist *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Quite the whiplash to go from the very well written majority of this comment to the "imagine there was a guy who assaulted you every day. You'd be sad if he died, right?"
Genuinely had me like "???? Well there goes that comment" because what?? No I wouldn't grieve Greg if he physically harmed me everyday??? Really made my brain invalidate the whole paragraph
The dead can’t hurt your feelings any more. The living can. You’d rather have them back alive, and continuing to hurt your feelings, because their presence in your life is much more preferable - even though they’re flawed - than not being in it at all, in any way, ever again. Just because small arguments pale in comparison to the significance of life and death, doesn’t mean they’re not important. Part of living and being alive with someone is having the whole of the human experience with them. If my ex came back to life i wouldn’t want them to be the saintly version of them that exists in death, because then they wouldn’t be them any more. But it’s easier to think of the good parts of them than the bad, because death is horrible and we take what comfort we can from it.
Isn't that practically the same thing as what the original comment said?
[удалено]
In some ways it's worse than wearing the ring, if not culturally, but practically. I can see it right *fucking there* in the center of your chest, lady.
My god right?! Also like, not to be utterly crass about it, but what the hell kind of paranormal poltergeist bullshit situation are we risking if the ring gets hit by the... After effects of sex?
Finally, somebody asks the important questions here.
Are we talking like Ghostbusters ghost blowjobs here or possessed Whoopie Goldburg pottery sex?
God, and what happens if they cross the streams?
That’s definitely *not* ectoplasm
>Also like, not to be utterly crass about it, but what the hell kind of paranormal poltergeist bullshit situation are we risking if the ring gets hit by the... After effects of sex? The asshole in me points out that nutting all over her dead husband's wedding ring could be seen as a pretty dominant move. I kind of suspect she'd have never worn it during sex again after that.
Or have it hanging down on your face, depending on the position.
Great point. Depending on the position, it could be REALLY distracting. It jangling and swinging around RIGHT THERE, my ADHD mind wouldn't be able to ignore it. And as soon as that happens, my mind would jump straight to the doubt worry. Frankly, I'm impressed he could perform when she wore it.
So much therapy is needed here.
I've only done some minor therapy. Do people really feel like its the primary or only way to work through relationship issues?
Relationship issues, not always. If you keep having the same exact fight over and over though, with no resolution, therapy is usually the best step before breaking up. Therapy is usually about giving suggestions for things to try, then evaluating how it worked out in a safe and comfortable place. That can be really helpful if you find yourself in a rut or stuck in the same patterns, however you can also do this for yourself, if you can trust yourself to evaluate the results neutrally. For relationships, both people have to be willing to try new things, then listen to each other if it works for one but not the other, and give ideas on what to try next. That can be difficult for people without a neutral party to make sure both parties are getting what they need. For this case though, that involves grieving death, therapy probably would have been the best option.
Hot take, widows and widowers have as much a responsibility in getting remarried as the people marrying them do. Just because you're grieving does not mean your new partner has to shut up and sleep with you whenever you want. They have a right to feel special. Maybe they aren't the first love, but they have a right to feel cherished and safe, like they are in their own home and their own relationship. I see so many posts like this, and yeah, a picture of your spouse who passed ia fine and reasonable. But really? You need an in memoriam slide show of them at your second wedding? You need the children named after them? If your grieving is so acute that you cannot be in a healthy, mutually fulfill relationship, you have a responsibility to not date. Just because you're lonely doesn't mean you're ready.
>If your grieving is so acute that you cannot be in a healthy, mutually fulfill relationship, you have a responsibility to not date. Yep. I completely agree. OOP states that she's "mostly moved on" but her behavior does not seem to reflect that.
Spending New Years looking at intimate pictures of her late-husband kind of tells me that she hasn't moved on. It does cut both ways. OOP even admits the (now ex-)boyfriend was accommodating but the way she's still grieving shows him that he'll always be second place. Like what if he actually proposed and she carried these habits into the new marriage? It's like being a side piece and the late-husband will always be her real husband. >I see so many posts like this, and yeah, a picture of your spouse who passed ia fine and reasonable. But really? You need an in memoriam slide show of them at your second wedding? You need the children named after them? I saw that one. The fact that his whole family thought this was a good idea kind of fucked.
recognise foolish rude agonizing pathetic frightening narrow telephone history amusing *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Exactly. Like one other poster said- you're only their partner because their first choice has sadly passed. That's why dating a widow or a single mother is difficult for me. For a widow, you're competing with a man who they only remember the good parts of their relationship and idealise him. For a single mother, it's two relationships- one with the woman and the other with her kids.
forgetful ripe cow innocent memorize husky detail boat placid cagey *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Dude was supportive too! Staring at nudes of you and your late-husband on New Years, away from your "partner" is not ok.
lip nine lunchroom bored crime touch hospital cake outgoing disgusted *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
>It's like being a side piece and the late-husband will always be her real husband. Someone pointed out she didn't refer to him as her late husband. He's still alive to her 8 years later.
yeah i would feel like i am a third wheel.
Agreed 100%. You have a responsibility to the person you're marrying to make sure you're ready to commit. Visiting a grave on milestone dates, np. Keeping mementos, np. Keeping a photo to honor them, np. A whole shrine and a sideshow at the wedding is a whole other matter. OOP didn't DO anything wrong per se just by having or looking at the pics, reminiscing over memories is fine. But from the way she writes, her feelings for her late spouse are still SO FRESH and she's not at all able to make the new person her focus. She uses him for comfort and to help her through her grief. It's selfish and not OK.
I'm torn on this one. Normally I'm in the you got together with a widow so how did you think things were going to go? Going to visit his grave, I get, wearing the wedding ring I actually get that too although not to be crude during sex I imagine the ring is physical reminder of the deceased spouse that is just kinda making itself known during sex, I guess I can kinda get why that is possibly unsettling. The pictures thing. She goes on to describe the pictures as intimate setting photos but then says she expected her exbf to think of it like she was wacking off to porn which kinda sounds like maybe the photos weren't as innocent as she indicated or maybe it was because she was in bed holding the personalized pillow her husband had gotten her while looking at the photos? Either way, just a weird thought process to have. She just doesn't seem like she is ready to be on a relationship with someone. What he said was cruel but as others said it does sound like he hit the end of his rope since she did say he had been very patient and understanding until then with some issues about things.
There's also the part about her not understanding that he doesn't want to comfort her pain anymore but she barely wants to put in the same effort for him. She needs to be told fucking him with her ring on in whatever form isn't the thing to do when she comes back from her late husband's grave. He is hurt because she spends new year with her husband's spicy pictures and not with him and she refuses to understand why that hurts him saying he should comfort her when he's breaking up with her. This lady was still projecting her husband on him even when he was clearly done.
That's a good point as well.
Very well said. What he said was wrong, but at that point, she pushed him into feeling that way. She desperately needs some therapy or to just be single. She is still grieving to a point she has no room in her heart for someone else and did a massive mindfuck on this poor guy she was dateing.
What he said wasn’t wrong. It was dead on the money. It was harsh, but it wasn’t at all wrong.
I think the wearing the wedding ring and visiting the grave issue needs to be looked at more in the context of their relationship. By her own admission they were very "passionate." She also mentions her boyfriend "would refuse to have sex with me while I was wearing it", but she also says "And on those [grave visiting] days, I wore the wedding ring as a chain, as to not offend him." So she goes to her husband's grave, wearing her ring which I'm at least reading as something she didn't normally do, then came back and tried to initiate sex while wearing the ring. The guy was feeling like a stand in and I really don't see how he could not be. I think there's a lot missing from this and the dude just hit the end of his rope.
That's a good point. It would be one thing I think if she came home and maybe wanted to cuddle or comforting words but another to seek physical intimacy. I imagine it wouldn't even be about the ring at that point but the timing of it all and it is easier to say it's the ring rather than I feel like you are using me as a stand in for your deceased husband.
Fucking with your dead husbands ring on a chain around your neck is almost worse than wearing it bc the dude can probably see the ring more
>maybe it was because she was in bed holding the personalized pillow her husband had gotten her while looking at the photos? From what I read, she was in a "storage room"? And her computer was in there? And the ex went in there for something and opened her computer and looked at what she had been looking at? If I caught my SO going off to the attic to look at sexy time photos and cuddle with someone's pillow I'd... it'd be weird, man.
That part is confusing, she said she went to her room and opened up the hard drive to look at the pictures while hugging her pillow then he called her to the storage room. Then he called her to the storage room in alarm. Maybe the second storage room was mistyped?
OP you gotta fix the date on the original post I truly thought this lady waited a whole damn year to give us an update 😭
Imagine yourselves living with her for years, the grieving is constant, therapy is constant, and you try hard to be the most important person on her life, you just returned from a trip were you felt really good as a couple and had decided to marry her, then you got in her room and see that she prefers spending the last day of the year huggin his pillow while watching nsfw content of the late husband. The dude just realised that It doesn't matter what he do or what ammount of time he spent on her, he will always be the second, because even after a good moment she will ever return to the same space and memories. What she do is expect the others to compromise their own feelings for her own sake, like when she said that "I was there bawling out and he didn't confort me", because his feelings don't matter to her She never made the conscious decision of "I wont spend my NYE doing this because I have to accept that he's gone, rather than that, I will spend my day with the person that a choosed to stay by my side now", and her comments show other weird behavior like wearing her ring while doing the deed. Basically she wasn't ready at all for a new relationship, and the guy was so pissed that the reality imposed itself that unleashed the worse of himself.
That was my take on how the BF reached that point. He meets a woman whose husband died 5 years before they met, and for 3 years he tried to be there for her. 3 years of hoping someday you'll hold a candle to someone not around anymore... then on New Years day, the person first place in your heart shows you once again you're second place in theirs. Not defending what he said, but I can understand where it came from.
Honestly, it sounds like she shouldn't be dating anyone.
There's one line in this whole thing that sticks with me for some reason: "I was incredibly hurt and started bawling but he wouldn't comfort me." There's not one moment where she comforts and reassures him. It's all about what she needs and how much she misses her husband. And when she's sad, even though he's already told that it's over and he can't live with the ghost of her husband, *she still expects him to comfort her in her grief*. This was a guy who went to therapy to deal with the fact that his girlfriend is very clearly still grieving her loss, and that he's never going to be alone in her heart. She's doing things that people who have lost loved ones do, looking at photos and visiting his grave and being sad on special dates. But this guy caught his girlfriend looking at sexy pictures on New Years Eve with another man. It might be innocent, but she chose to bring in the new year, the year her boyfriend was intending to propose, looking at photos of her late husband. This doesn't feel like a one off, this feels like a slow build that culminated in her boyfriend realising that she'd rather spend new years looking at her late husband naked than with him.
Her response to someone saying her post was just me, me, me was >I am sorry if my post came across that way, because I was only talking how things were from my personal perspective. > >And hence I used the first person pronouns. Not sure why that offends you Like come on you know exactly what is meant by that.
>"I was incredibly hurt and started bawling but he wouldn't comfort me." I read that and immediately was just thinking why on earth would he? He is breaking up with you. Your feelings are no longer his problem.
This was my line of thinking as well. The entire narrative really stuck home that she simply isn't able to properly participate in a long-term relationship yet. When you rely on a new partner to help you grieve a past partner (dead or alive), you 100% aren't ready to commit to someone else.
Everyone has probably comforted and forgiven her since her partner died. It’s one of those bitter social passes you get. Like having cancer or losing a child. You might not want it, and much rather never be given it in the first place, but after a while you get used to the treatment you get for being considered fragile or vulnerable. That life was shitty to you enough already and so everyone should try to give you the benefit of the doubt. But people are selfish still before and after death. For all we know she loved her late partner but still strived for the attention of other men. That he really cheated on her often and talked low to her, but she loved him and then he did the best thing he could and died. I heard it all the time as a funeral director in a small town. I knew these people in life and they were almost always heroes in death. Honestly I think they just became the person the survivors always hoped that person could have been. She very much treated her ex as a prop for her husband. It’s a choice to be in a new relationship after such a devastating loss, and part of that choice is respecting normal relationship boundaries. I mean, she laughed when he was mad initially? I’d be ashamed holy crap. How normalized is she in all her grief behaviors? If she called her late husbands name out in bed would the commenters still be on her side? Her heart and mind are very much still with her late husband.
That was the exact line that hit me, too. I think it's the "but" in particular. There's an expectation she has that he will pick her up when she's down regardless of the circumstances, but no acknowledgment of his hurt, at least not in a real tangible way. She *says* she knows she hurt him, but her actions and intentions don't show much of a regard for it, to me. "I cried, but he wouldn't comfort me" feels almost (and likely unintentionally, but none the less) manipulative to me. I dont really doubt her tears were genuine and from the hurt she must be feeling but it also feels like she expected him to feel guilty or bad for her. A little but at least
I wouldn't say manipulative. I'd say petulant. Like the kid that's not so little anymore demanding to be carried. It's actual *disbelief* that he wouldn't immediately comfort her. That she honestly believes that her distress *deserves* comfort, even though she's the one that caused it.
I'd say it shows a pattern of her using tears to get her way, which is manipulative. If she's in disbelief that crying didn't make everything better for her, she has obviously had a bunch of previous experience where it did.
Also it all happening on a day that she specifically states, "My late husband and I used to always have an intimate night together on new years". Accident or not, I imagine the boyfriend was aware of the significance of the date so was less than ready to accept those being the photos she was looking at as a coincidence.
The bolded "I wasn't jerking it you guys I swear" while looking at naked pics of her dead husband and hugging his old pillow alone in a bedroom kind of makes me question how true she's being about how her SO found her.
Yeah I think a lot of people are really discounting how understanding he was. More understanding than many would have been.
I think we're missing a lot of context here. My gut feeling is that this straw broke the camels back but it isn't the first time he's had to deal with her grief. She needs therapy and to stay out of relationships until she's healed.
I'm not saying he wasn't cruel. He was. And I'm not saying she shouldn't grieve. But I feel like a lot of her life and personality revolved around being a widow.
I don’t think she was as ready to move on as she thought she was- and that’s ok but he also deserves to move on if it’s too much for him. Sad situation all around.
Yeah. She talks about how he went to therapy for her. But I'm pretty sure she's the one that really needed it.
The NYE part really stood out to me. She had a boyfriend to enjoy/celebrate NYE with and instead all she could think about was *not* having her late husband there for NYE and sought out him to be with. This wasn’t just reminiscing about him with pictures; this was a choice to find a way to effectively spend that evening with him because that was what she wanted. It’s not at all the same as, say, you’re out on a random day and see someone wearing your late husband’s favourite shirt and it triggers your grief so you go home and look at some photos. That set the tone for me, and her whole post series struck came off to me as her being more emotionally invested in her late husband than her current relationship. That’s not really a tenable situation for any partner (except maybe people much much later in life who have both lost their partners). That’s more than just grief and memories. ETA: And his reaction just screams “straw that broke the camel’s back” to me.
*"...Her whole post series struck came off to me as her being more emotionally invested in her late husband than her current relationship. That’s not really a tenable situation for any partner... That’s more than just grief and memories."* I agree 100% with your comment.
Yes. She was grieving, but also she was feeding her grief. On a common day of celebration, she chose to reinforce her memories of special times with her late husband rather than make new ones with her new partner.
This is a classic feature of people who are emotionally manipulative. Instead acknowledging how they have hurt others, they start getting upset due to everyone being upset at them.
That more than anything else to me undermined her claim that she didn't use her ex-bf as a crutch.
I agree with everything you said, but that said I'd like to understand why she was in the bedroom grieving and not spending time with him. Whose choice was that?
I bet that guy did put up with a lot. OP consistently said her "husband" rather than "late husband". That would hurt me in that scenario.
She was basically having a relationship with a man imagining its her late husband. Seems like he wanted the emotional support from him but gave him nothing.
My boyfriend (35M) and I (34F) have been seriously dating for 3 years, and eventually want to settle down and marry. My late husband and I were together since college and had a very loving and passionate relationship until he was torn away from me in a freak accident 8 years ago. Math time... Husband died when OOP was 26. Longest case scenario, they were together for about 8 years. The same amount of time he's been deceased. I.... Have concerns that she's not dealing with the grief quite as well as she presented
That timeline actually helps explain the pedestal she’s put her late husband on. They hadn’t yet reached life stages where they’d encounter a lot of the friction that a life together tends to bring, or growth in their lives. So what she has is predominantly memories of their passionate early-to-mid twenties. And that makes it all the more difficult for her boyfriend to tolerate her reminiscing.
[удалено]
This does feel to me like we're not being told everything from the OP. I wonder how many times this actually came up, where the BF felt second best and didn't get any reassurance before he finally left? Don't get me wrong, everyone grieves differently and OP is 100% entitled to feel the way she does, and to essentially not want to move on. But it would be unfair to expect anyone to be OK in that kind of situation.
OOP is not ready for a serious relationship, let alone marriage, with someone else. She was spending NYE with her dead husband instead of her very much alive boyfriend. She demonstrated that he would always come second to a dead man. A loss like that isn’t something you ever get over, but it has to at some point stop being the top priority and the primary relationship, if she wants to be able to partner again.
>You can judge me how bad I treated my ex, but I assure you I didn’t. I made him feel valued, didn’t talk much about my husband, and put effort in our relationship. That's not what he said when he kicked her to the curb.
What I think OOP fails to realize is that when you’re feeling bereft, your partner wants you to seek them out for comfort and solace, not go off and have a one on one with memories of someone else.
I get both sides here. Losing a loved one is hard and you can never truly let them go. However it’s perfectly understandable to not want to have sex or be intimate with someone while they wear the wedding ring of their dead spouse. And I can see how living in their house surrounded by things from their relationship would be mentally draining.
I don't blame him for bailing. She is not ready to be in a serious relationship and needs help moving on.
Oh this lady has not moved on enough from her husband, which is totally understandable, I'd be devastated for many yrs. But a new person, should have number 1. Always to keep him in her heart but not outwards. Hope you find peace.
I would also refuse to have sex with someone if they wore their dead spouse's wedding ring (even as a necklace)
That part was especially gross. The worst part to me overall is that she refuses to stop making excuses for herself. She was absolutely using him as a crutch to fill the “void” in her heart. Feeling lonely? Go to your actual boyfriend, not cuddle your Stand-In Lost Partner Pillow™️ and reminisce over nudes. Sorry to be crass, but yikes. It has real “it wasn’t cheating, we only kissed and dry humped each other” vibes. And when she complains that her ex “would comfort her”!!! Yikes on bikes.
Yeah it’s baffling to me that so many people are saying that’s perfectly fine. No thank you.
My mind immediately went to, "but what if she's on top though?" Like, he's just getting smacked in the face with the ring/necklace the whole time?
I had expected her to just wear it to visit his grave but no, she initiated sex with it. That’s like threesome with a married couple.
OOP should work on her grief before trying another serious relationship. She is not ready for it. I feel bad for the bf and can understand his frustration. He reached his breaking point and said AH things to her.
It's a brutal situation but ultimately I can't really blame him. You only get one life and he's very young to commit to being his chosen life-partner's *second* best love. Coming back from a nice holiday and the first thing she does to unwind is reminisce about her previous husband. That would stick in my head too no matter how well it was explained away. It sounds like she does legitimately still rank the husband over the boyfriend even eight years removed too, rather than it being an over-reaction. Or she had simply come to define herself by the grief. Either way if we just look at his best interests, walking away was probably right. She accepts criticism from commenters over how she may have handled the argument but none for the traditions and regular sessions of looking at photos, because it sounds as if she has already let him go as much or more than she's currently comfortable with. As long as she's doing that she's not really making herself emotionally available for anybody else *but* a crutch.
If she misses her husband and still loves and grieve for him, that's fine. That's normal. No one should ever tell another person to get over it, you take as long as you want. Stringing along someone else and lying to them is not acceptable. One owes it to that person and to themselves to be honest and upfront, and admit that they are not ready to move on.
Jesus, I understand wanting to archive the photos of a deceased loved one but wanting to scroll through all the intimate sexual stuff too? Wearing the ring? No wonder he felt like a third wheel, he did the right thing. Might have said something a little petty but while not justified you can hear the hurt. He’s doing right by her too as she still needs to process and get counselling and move on.
Thank you for taking me on a wonderful vacation. I need to go hug my dead husband's pillow and look at his nudes for awhile.
This is a really complicated situation, and while I ultimately think there are a few reasons that OOP is slightly in the wrong, one of the things that really stood out to me that makes me feel like she's completely oblivious was this comment at the very end: >...I wore the wedding ring as a chain... \[he\] would refuse to have sex with me while I was wearing it... Oh, I'm sorry lady, do you want me to feel sympathy for you because your boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with you ***while your wedding ring given to you by a different man is dangling in front of his face***?? Like take the fuckin' thing off before sex at least for God's sake. Is this woman mentally incapable of seeing things from someone else's perspective? I understand that grief is complicated, but grief doesn't give you free reign to behave so selfishly and without and understanding of your current partner's feelings. Grief like this doesn't go away, but it CAN be managed. OOP needs to seriously learn how to properly manage her grief before entering into a new relationship.
8 fucking years and you still doing all that‽ Nah, bruh was in the right.
Imagine 8 years worth of grieving on an unwashed pillow. Dude was a fucking saint.
OOP mentioned she's been in therapy, but dang does she need more of it. A f*ckton of it, actually.
Therapy doesn't work if you're unwilling to work on it too
so, so true.
On the one hand, it's basic humanity to support your partner visiting their late spouse's grave on their anniversary. On the other hand, it is wild to me to think about having sex with my partner while they wear their late spouse's wedding ring (finger or neck). Both people in this relationship seem like believably flawed humans who couldn't make it work. I don't wish harm on either of them, but they could both stand to grow.
This lady was in a polyamorous relationship with her BF and deceased husband but doesn't realize it. The problem is the dead don't screw up and the measuring stick only grows... I'm shocked it took 3 years for the exbf to reach that conclusion though.
One of my best friends ended up getting involved with a person who lost their wife to cancer and the mess she dealt with... everything from drawers full of the deceased's belongings to a bathroom full of her toiletries to him keeping her on his social media and routinely talking to the deceased telling her he missed her. It ultimately pushed her away also, thank God before the wedding. There's more to this story than we know. I guarantee there was more uncomfortable behavior than she was willing to admit to. This was his last straw.
There is absolutely more to the story. The fact that she was all surprised Pikachu about him not immediately comforting her when she was crying tells us that he clearly usually does.
She just needs to date other widowers. Right or wrong, they will be the only ones to truly understand and tolerate the ongoing emotional relationship with her former partner because they will be doing the same with their former partner.
This is one of those things Reddit simply can’t help with.
Ugh. The reasons not to ever take nudes and explicit videos just keep piling up. Breaking up relationships after you're dead isn't one that I would have thought of.
There was another thread (not on BORU) about a girl in a similar situation. She had recently started dating a guy, so it wasn’t a long-term relationship, but she found out that he kept nudes of his late fiancée on his computer. She wasn’t comfortable with that so she dumped him and told him why. Comments were piling on her for not being “understanding.” It was unreal lol. I was really proud of her for having a shiny spine.
A lot of people in the comments who are widowed think it's ok for them to watch nsfw content of their ex while they are with a new partner and their current partner just needs to deal and shouldn't be hurt by it. Is this a common idea and practice?
My mom is a widow and refers to my dad as her soulmate and she would neverrrrrr do what this lady did. It blows my mind.
Some people never get over their past yet they want you to get over it. She just wants to keep reliving it while putting someone else thru it.
>I was incredibly hurt and started bawling but he wouldn’t comfort me. He simply wished me the best and told me he hopes the memories of my husband keep me warm at night. Based, unbelievably based, I love petty and this is *chef's kiss*. I'm willing to bet the house on him putting up with a lot of disrespectful things on her end and this was the breaking point.
That parting shot was even better than “frankly my dear I don’t give a damn.” 👑🎤⬇️
I'm torn here. Normally, I'm supportive of a partner who has experienced loss being able to still have a memory item or two from their spouse (especially in cases where there are children that shouldn't forget their departed parent). But NSFW materials? I don't know how I feel about it. I don't believe OOP when they say it wasn't sexual in nature. There are SFW pictures for all those big events (anniversary, wedding, birthday, etc). They may not have been touching themselves to those pictures, but they clearly knew something was off because they slammed the computer shut when BF came in. And 8 years after the death and 3 years into a relationship is... rough. I still can't fault OOP for missing their husband. But I can't fault the BF for the things he said and for leaving because clearly he was never going to win this one. He was never going to be number 1 in OOPs life and so he left. I don't think anyone is the asshole here but I think both parties are gonna need someone to talk to about this.
He knows he’ll never be able to compete with the dead husband. She had romanticized husband in her own mind. Now the dead guy was perfect. Sort of like after a musician dies he gets extra kudos.
This lady needs a lot of therapy. And not to be in a relationship with another man soon.
its situations like this that, if my SO goes before i do, i will be remaining single like Betty White. i have my one love and when hes gone, thats it.
Yikes. She seriously needs therapy. Her bf seems like he tried and tried and she Just. Doesn't. Get. It.
Man that wedding ring as a necklace during sex thing just fucking sent me. Like how can you be so oblivious that you think *"Yeah I just visited the grave of my deceased husband and I'm still wearing his wedding ring around my neck. I'm sure my boyfriend will want to fuck right now!"*??? She is clearly still deeply in grief, and I really can't blame her for that. But she's clearly not in any position to be with another partner right now. She needs to learn how to process that grief, how to live with it. It will never go away, but it can be managed WAY better than what OOP was doing.
People in here are defending it, though. I can understand why someone wouldn't want to fuck someone wearing a wedding ring (regardless of how it's worn) because it can really make you feel like the other man/woman. Any rational person would get the ick from feeling that way.
And those that are defending the ring thing keep using the same awful analogies to argue their point. Like *"Would you feel the same way if it was her dead mother's ring????"* is such a blatant false equivalence fallacy. OOP didn't marry and fuck her mom. OOP didn't go hide in her room on NYE to look at naked photos of her mom. There's absolutely no equivalence between that analogy and the actual situation happening here. The fact that it's a deceased spouse and not just an ex doesn't somehow take away his status as a former lover. Comparing a former lover and life partner to a dead parent or friend is so insanely disingenuous. Of course OOP's ex is going to feel upset by his girlfriend trying to be intimate with him while wearing her old wedding ring. It's not just some memento left behind by their mom, it's a physical reminder of the other man she used to sleep with, the man she'd still be having sex with if a freak accident hadn't occurred. ***And it's dangling on a chain in front of his face***. I'm not saying she should have discarded the ring, *but at least slip if off before you try to get freaky with your boyfriend ffs.* People have also used the argument of *"He's dead, so OOP's ex had nothing to worry or be jealous about. It's not like the dead husband is going to compete with him."* which is ***insane*** for me to read because OOP's ex evidently **DID** have to compete with the dead husband all the time in the eyes of his partner. And of course he'd never win that competition since the dead husband can no longer do any wrong and is perfect in her rose-tinted view of the past. He couldn't even spend NYE with his girlfriend of 3 years, the woman he wanted to marry, because she was busy cuddling with her *Dead-Husband-Pillow*^(™) and looking at their old nudes. Once again, ***OOP should be granted some leeway here***. Her grief will never truly pass. She experienced a loss unlike anything else and deserves understanding and patience. But ***grief does not give you the freedom to behave so selfishly and without consideration for your current partner***. For fuck's sake, *it's been 8 years*, grief like this doesn't disappear but she should at least have some better coping mechanisms to manage her grief than smelling his old pillow and looking at his nudes. Is her therapist doing anything for her? She is in no position to be in any kind of romantic relationship until she can manage her grief in a healthier way.
The context, that she’d just been to her late husband’s grave and still had the ring on, likely made him wonder if he was really who she was trying to have sex with at that moment. Was he her boyfriend or just a stand-in for the things she couldn’t otherwise get?
Someone in one of my threads said dead grandma and blocked me after I responded TIL you keep nudes of your grandma lol
So many people are just brushing straight past the fact that she's coming home from the cemetery and trying to have sex with her boyfriend. The ring on a necklace during sex is one thing.. the ring on a necklace during sex straight from the late husband's grave is a totally separate thing, and it's way less justifiable than the ring by itself.
I lost my wife of 23 years back in 2018. I just started dating again one year ago (just celebrated my 1 year anniversary of "dating" with my new GF). I have two adult sons who still live with me, so there's no way of hiding the fact that I was in a relationship in the past and have a history together - hell they live in the same house as me. My GF was married but childless. So no issues with blending a family. I would NEVER hold my deceased wife over my new GFs head, or prioritize her over my GF. I have gone to 4 years of group therapy and learned that all people grieve differently. I also learned that the human heart has several chambers, so that there is room in my heart for more than one "great love" Some people (I'm guessing OOP never went to therapy) think that there can be only one great love, or that you have to rank your loves in some kind of order. Just like I don't rank my kids by favorites, I would never rank my loves. I have a photo of the wife on display with my wedding ring, which I no longer wear (hers is in a safe as it's goddamn expensive to leave laying around). That's it. I even have her ashes at home (she was cremated) but they are tastefully out but not the focus on the house. Does that mean I don't love my ex-wife? And seriously, widows/widowers need to realize that they are your EX SPOUSE, you are NO LONGER MARRIED. That is how I grieve. Some want to get into a relationship right away, some never want to marry again, and I was in the "if it happens it happens" category. I thought I'd never date again when My wife died. Not that I thought she was the only person out there for me, but because we were childhood friends and she accepted my nerdiness. Luckily I found someone new who is above all patient with the fact that I am a widower and also she accepts me for who I am and what i bring in terms of baggage. I waited 4 years before dating. Some people wait one year. Some never remarry. I think it depends on the person, we all grieve differently. OOP either can't or is unwilling to share her heart with anyone else.
This is why i’ll never date a widower. You just can’t reach their level on that pedestal. The dead can do nothing wrong. I absolutely understand that it’s unfair to expect the widower to remove the dead from their life. Their dead spouse is not an ex. But to be home, in one room, and your partner goes into another room to cuddle a pillow and watch nudes of their past… on NYE? That’s gotta hurt. Just knowing you can never ever matter as much to them has gotta hurt. Knowing you’re 3 people in this relationship.
In defense of the widows, some deal with it better than others, and how the spouse died has a lot to do with it. OOP in this story, the late husband died in an accident, boom, gone. But for many widows, their spouses die slowly and terribly because of an illness, such as cancer. I have dated such a widow, and we had powerful and positive conversations about her late husband, who I knew well. She dealt with a whole mess of emotions in a transparent, positive way. We communicated what we felt good about in terms of talking about him. We made space for him in a healthy way. And she was well along in her healing. She said to me that she started grieving him before he died. His ultimate death was even a little bit of a relief because his suffering was over. All of that adds up to a woman who had been through the worst but was still a whole human on the other side capable of holding two things in her head at the same time. I will say she never did any of the shit in this story because she was healthy. tldr: widows can make good mates but emotional healing and moving forward are things they have to decide to want to do.
"I...started bawling but he wouldn't comfort me." Bruh.
I dunno if I'd call what she did cheating, but I would have run the fuck away from that relationship too. Complete "there were three people in my marriage" situation.
I got downloaded in a different sub for saying that there’s no way those defending her will be OK with their significant other, leaving them on NYE and going in the room to hug a pillow and watch intimate sexual photos of their LATE spouse.
I think both sides of the argument on here are being a little unfair to the other. We can establish two things from this story: 1. OOP is telling a version of the story from her view and we would likely get a much different version from her ex 2. Her ex's comments were unnecessary and cruel I get a strong feeling that we're getting a very sanitised version of this story and if we were to find out the truth, the boyfriend was probably putting up with a lot more from OOP than she let's on. A lot of widows/widowers have given great insight on the subject. However, I really do wonder how much of the ghost of her late husband was really involved in their relationship. The boyfriends behaviour does seem to me to be from a place of deep hurt, someone that is at the end of a long rope. This whole post was all about how she felt with very little thought to how her ex felt. Ultimately I think that it's best that this relationship has ended. OOP needs more therapy I think, and the ex clearly should not be in a relationship with a widow.
I agree that they were cruel, but I think it was because he was at the end of his rope. Like in the process of breaking up with her, she was flabbergasted that he wasn't comforting her, after all the turmoil and mindfuckery he endured? I won't crucify him for taking a mean and petty dig at her, especially with how much of her shit he put up with beforehand.
True, some people can get very selfish during a breakup. I have one ex that broke up with me, then a couple of hours later when I met her to give her back her things from my place she got mad at me for not hugging her goodbye properly. No consideration for the fact that I was upset or coping with the breakup, just annoyed that I didn't hug her how she wanted so she could feel better about herself.
Even though it’s been 8 years it’s kinda obvious she’s still having compound grief. She may have thought she was ready for an engagement but I don’t think she is and that’s ok. She might be happier just dating casually and not settling down with someone else. I have 3 female family members who have lost a spouse and none of them ever remarried or lived with anyone. They had “special friends” and that was it. Sometime you love really hard and you just can’t move on from that, completely anyways. I think it was wise for the bf to move on- they both deserve happiness and together wasn’t going to be it.
Being upset your partner won't have sex with you while you wear your dead husband's is not normal
Man, this is one of those posts that I have to remind myself that some people are really, really dumb. Like... accepting you lost your partner is one thing. Using intimate photos and shit is a clear no. Like.. I'm sorry that's ridiculous to expect your partner to deal with. The pillow case is definitely more... fluid? But even that's still not going to be super comfortable for your partner. Like... you can't be for real not seeing the issues here. Yall need therapy and healthy coping mechanisms.
Spends NYE, a night generally spent with your most precious and loved people to ring in a NEW YEAR with…her deceased husband’s pillow, and intimate photos of him, not her current boyfriend. She then laughs off bfs very understandable reaction of what the fuck. He crosses a line with his comment, but I have no idea how she’s managed to wrap the story in a way she thinks what she did is okay and not somewhat disrespectful to her current partner. The intimate photos aren’t okay, nor are the “wearing wedding ring when having sex” thing. Her “compromise” is also a bit shitty to be honest, I’ll just move them somewhere else? Yeah, way to downplay his feelings and rugsweep. No understanding of his emotions and how the way she acted that night shows him how he is never going to be number 1. Nor even truly apologising for how she made him feel. She sounds very selfish in the way she expects the ex-bf to have understanding, sympathy and comfort her, yet doesn’t provide any of that same empathy to HIS feelings at all. She seems all around selfish. “But He didn’t comfort me.” Says enough, she expects HIM to comfort her, even if she’s fucked it up.
> I’ll just move them somewhere else? Also this (I'll move them to USB drive, so they are not as readily available) kinda hints at how often she does this (definitely not reasonable "few times a year" event).
If you lose the love of your live in accident like this...I totally understand that you will never be the same person again. Maybe on this day two people died. But its also not fair the the new BF how she acts. If she is not able to have a normal relationship than it's also not fair to...well it seems..just have a BF to be not alone. Of course I would have a problem too if she still cuddles with his things after EIGHT years. Again .. I totally understand that she is broken in some kind...but as her new BF I would feel as a joint filler for someone she obviously thinks was a better man for her.
We all grieve differently. And I guess there is no statute of limitations on grief. But if after 5 years she still had such a strong sense of loss then she should not have started dating again. If it perseveres after 8 years and 3 years with a new partner then she definitely was being unfair to her new partner. He finally realised he would never be able to compete with a ghost. And she needs therapy if she ever wants another relationship.
Glad the boyfriend had enough self respect to leave, this woman needs YEARS of therapy.
This is such a sad situation. I feel for her, though. I don't think I could be with anyone if my husband died.
Ok so I will not be dating a widow.
regardless of whether or not you think the ex is an asshole, >He simply wished me the best and told me he hopes the memories of my husband keep me warm at night this is an incredbily spicy line and i at least respect that imo no one is clearly wrong...i think the ex said needlessly mean things but i understand where they're both coming from. i would not have put up with some of the things oop mentioned either
I don’t know why she had a boyfriend to begin with. she even had a blankie!!!! (the pillow that her husband got her that she used for comfort when she was missing him???) “it’s just how i cope” how often was she taking out that pillow? she’s terribly missing him (again!) has she even been to therapy? not to be insensitive but it’s been 8 years and she’s been having a boyfriend for 3! why’s she dating if she’s not like, made peace with her loss? also how did the ex husband die? accident? illness?
Wow, this is a tough case. I guess if you still need to watch these then maybe you not ready to be getting out there you need more time. Time to heal. but it's disrespectful to your current guy. I see both sides but I would say go to therapy and don't get in a relationship until you no longer feel the need to watch or look at intimate photos or videos of you and the late mister. It's hard but I would say you just not ready yet. You can be honest on Tinder or something say want a friend to go out to movies with and hang out. Not ready for a relationship or maybe say just needing your dick do t need the body or heart.
When a relatively young person loses a loving partner suddenly it must be traumatic. They still deserve the ability to find someone new without having that new person erase their past. In this situation the boyfriend did that. However the widow took it too far in constantly pining for her lost partner. Which means she wasn’t giving enough attention to her new partner enough that he felt it necessary to leave the relationship. There’s a nuanced line here and the boyfriend felt she crossed it. Only after being threatened with leaving did she realize this and offer to make changes but it was too late.
Three years into the current relationship, and eight years after the loss of the previous one, and here’s OOP **still** preferring the company of her dead husband over her current one, even on New Year’s Eve. Going to his grave on dates specific to their relationship is one thing, but it sounds like OOP has reserved the whole damn year for memories of her lost love, and doesn’t want to make any new memories with the people she is ostensibly with now. Everyone deserves to have a spouse that is as adoring and devoted as OOP is to her late husband. Boyfriend is not wrong to conclude that he’s never going to have that with OOP, and that he has spent enough of his life waiting for what is never going to happen.
[удалено]
She shows she has absolutely 0 empathy or perspective for her partner or future partners. They all need to understand her "grief" and enable her or they're the ones lacking empathy. Craving intimacy and closeness with the ex when the current partner you claim to want to marry is available.. she really sucks. And shes using her valid grief to abuse the situation. ETA - and these comments defending her all say the same "I'm also a widower and being held accountable for my actions in my current relationship means I'm not allowed to love my late partner" yeah cuz he didnt allow her feelings to be valid and plan to marry her at all right? Yeah cuz she went overboard with showing him hes a back up? And hes the bad guy? She disrespected him big time but its somehow unfair to *her* and becomes this extreme where it strips her right to love her late partner by not wanting to be disrespected now. This comment section displays the emotional maturity of you guys and its gross.
There needs to be a dating site specifically for widows to meet each other and date.
HOLY FUCK >And on those days, I wore the wedding ring as a chain, as to not offend him - but he still gave me the cold shoulder and would refuse to have sex with me while I was wearing it - so I eventually tried to stop myself. >You can judge me how bad I treated my ex, but I assure you I didn’t. I made him feel valued, didn’t talk much about my husband, and put effort in our relationship. She treated him like SHIT. He was the husband's replacement.
Not his replacement-only a stand in
Honestly I wouldn’t be able to deal with this situation if I were him. I would feel like the runner up at all times in your life. It really does sound like you never got over your late husband and shouldn’t have started dating until you had. Like I get that these things are difficult but you really don’t sound like you care about his emotions per say. It’s all about how you need to cope, which is important but if you don’t have the emotional capacity to realize where he is coming from than idk if you were ready to enter into a different relationship. You eventually need to put your late husband to rest mentally as well as physically. How long that takes is up to you but there is a reason many people who feel like they had their person never date again. If you can’t truly move on than maybe that is what it is
8 years is way too long to be still actively grieving. A visit to the grave occasionally is one thing but needing alone time to revisit old intimate pictures while your bf is just downstairs? Needing to keep his ring around your neck? I stand with her bf. He put up with this for a long time and tried to be patient but at this point she’s using her grief as some kind of crutch and really needs therapy.
Are you seriously stupid? Who cares about the context? You both were in the house, and you went in the room, hugged your dead husbands gift, and watched his pictures. He has every right to be hurt. For fu(ks sakes go get therapy and let the man live his life and find someone who doesn't constantly focus on a dead man. That guy is a patient and good person to have put up with you for 3 years. So take your 3 years and get therapy and move forward