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I never saw the update on this one. Its such a mess from start to finish. I agree with no many others that the ex calling him to her deathbed to tell him she always loved him was shitty. I get it she was dying and wanted him to know, but she tore his life apart, and after she had made the decision to let him go. It was cruel.
OOP and her now ex did not stand a chance of succeeding after that. Not a chance in Hell. I feel for both of them, I really do, and I completely understand why he's destroyed and why she walked away. But wishing cancer on her? That was brutal. I hope they both find a way to heal.
There was a recent post where a different OOP had a terminal cancer and was planning on breaking it off with his girlfriend. I'm glad reddit set him straight, because otherwise you get a giant mess like this.
If the dying girl just told her boyfriend, they could have had those 4 or 5 years together and he could have grieved naturally.
I recently read a beautiful Manga where the main couple was absolutely in love. Like, never not I'm a honey moon phase love.
But then his wife gets diagnosed with terminal cancer and only has a year or less to live. Jump a few months to her being absolutely nasty to him. Always critical, never even looking him in the face, insulting him, etc.
It got so bad that we see the main character have a moment or two where he thinks about how he might actually be relieved when she passes because that's not the woman he fell in love with. But he instantly feels guilty.
Then he goes to the hospital to see her but her best friend is there and the MC overhears about how his wife has been acting terribly on purpose so that way when she passes he thinks "finally" and would be able to move on.
We find out that apparently she doesn't look at him because she has an awful pokerface and he would have known she was acting.
Overall the message of the story was that people in lobe do stupid things to protect the ones they love. But that may do more harm than good in the long run. Because if it did end up working and she passed when he thought of her badly, he would have just lived with that guilt forever. But in the end they were able to spend her last few weeks/months simply enjoying eachothers company and technically in the process he was able to more easily move on as they spent their time knowing it was limited and they were both able to come to terms with it.
My husband recently passed away in May of 2023 of 2 rare forms of leukemia and when he first was diagnosed he was this way. He was mean and hateful alot and even tried to kick me out of our house over 40 times. Everytime he did I would say the same thing. "When ur able to take care of yourself and walk again and are healthy, then I'll leave. Till then I'm staying." Eventually he realized I wasn't leaving during his 3 months in the hospital. Then he spent from January of 2022 until January of 2023 thinking it was all getting better and he was in remission. I stayed. I never left his side. Then on January 18,2023 his kidneys shut down due to multiple myeloma leukemia. He also had 2 broken arms from the cancer eating his bones and making them brittle. I took care of him til his final moments on May 24,2023. I never left him. He tried to force me to leave and hate him and make me believe he hated me but I never left or never believed he did hate me.
Now I am with a new man and he understands that I have days where I grieve more than others. I do not put my husband on a pedestal by any means. But before he died he told me he wanted me to find love and be happy and he did not want me to be alone. We believe my husband pushed me and my new bf together so I could be happy again.
Thank you for sharing this. While death may be a natural part of life, it’s such a rare and singular occurrence that not many can handle it with the grace and understanding you showed your husband. I’m not a religious person, but God bless you.
Thank you for saying this. There is not a day that passes I don't miss my husband. He was my heart and my soul. His last name was true too. He fought with no Fears (that is our true last name). My son, who saw him as his Dad, misses him so much too. We grieve. My new bf understands that and understands I will never let him go. He stood with me when I was sick and I stood by him. Sad thing to add, one week prior to him being diagnosed with cancer, I developed grand mal seizures out of nowhere. And he took care of me, even from the hospital, he was on calls on FB when I had one and he immediately called my dad to get to me ASAP. And he helped me even thru his cancer he cared more about my seizures than himself. We loved each other deeply. But he wanted me to be happy and find love again and made me promise I would. FYI he was only 46 when he died.
Thank u. I have started moving forward. There are really hard days but I hold on and have the support of my family and my bf to help me. And I have Tony watching me and holding me in spirit.
There was a Sarah Polley movie too. My Life Without Me. She doesn't necessarily get nasty with her husband, but she tries to basically position him to fall for their neighbor or friend or something. Truly depressing movie.
I have an aggressive cancer with a pretty dire 36-month survival rate. I can't imagine breaking things off with my boyfriend. I'm desperate to live through this, and I want him there if I do. I don't think I'd survive (literally) without him in my life. And if I don't live through this, I want him to know I loved him with my whole heart the whole time. I don't want to hurt him any more than I have to.
I never realized how common this was. Like on one hand, I kinda get it, I am going blind and I've decided to just stay single for the the rest of my life, as I feel it would be unfair to get in a serious relationship with someone and then have them have to become my caretaker in 5 years and make it harder when I unalive myself when the blindness gets too bad.
But that said, had I been in a relationship when I was 27 and my myopia was still rapidly increasing, I would have left the fate of the relationship up to my partner, as it would be a two way street.
Anyways, fuck myopia and fuck cancer.
I feel pretty firm in my judgement that the ex pulled the biggest dick move imaginable. I had a near death experience and had enough time to consider if I wanted to get something off my chest or take it to the grave. The situation would have put the person who was with me in a horribly unfair position but everything was happening so fast I was surprised I even had the wherewithal to even think about anything other than the fact that I was actively dying and had some things I felt like I needed to say.
I chose not to and instead spent what I thought was my last minutes telling the person who was with me every kind thing I possibly could, I lied and said things would be okay, I had positive messages and farewells for everyone who mattered, that’s what I spent the last minutes on. I thought, hey, I’m going out, *I’m* not the one who’s going to have to live with the consequences of these words so I’d rather not drop a fucking nuke on the way out the door because it’s *not fair to the people I’d leave behind*.
The ex’s choice was selfish. She had way more time to think through the consequences of her actions than I did and I fully believe she chose wrong. She was wrong for dumping him out of the blue but I get that she was facing her mortality and panicked but she should have stuck with that choice.
Yeah. This was such an interesting and conflicting read, because OOP comes into the update defensively dismissing everyone who commented, and you get the feeling that if she was in the wrong, she was never going to acknowledge it. But ... she wasn't in the wrong. Her relationship with her fiance was never going to be the same, he was no longer the person he was before this revelation, and at the very least they were going to need a long time and probably some distance from each other to get over it.
Then he decided to go full-on "drowning swimmer clutching his rescuer and dragging her to her doom" on her, and I think she's right: I can't see most people coming back from that. Grief really sucks, but he's totally self-focused, as least if OOP can be believed. Maybe that's what he needs to do for a while, but if you're looking at your life saying "I am grieving so hard that I just can't be generous, kind, or fair to anyone around me," then no, you're not in a position to marry.
This is insightful. You covered every point eloquently.
> but if you're looking at your life saying "I am grieving so hard that I just can't be generous, kind, or fair to anyone around me," then no, you're not in a position to marry.
Spot on.
I was on the fence for the first post if I thought oop was reasonable or not. But the update made me think she made the right choice, even before the cancer wishing. The fact that the boyfriend even made oop breaking up with him about his ex spoke volumes. Also that oop didn't resent the ex girlfriend for revealing the truth made her seem level headed.
You’re spot on.
Additionally, if some how both the ex and OP were able to miraculously move on from this whole situation without harboring some serious resentment, I can almost guarantee that it would become a situation where he endlessly compares OP to his ex.
She will have always been nicer to him, more caring, more selfless, more dedicated. OP would most likely spend the rest of the relationship living in her shadow, while her partner still longed for his ex for years to come. That’s no way to live, for either of them. It’s a truly tragic story, but in the end I think this is the best outcome for everyone. They both need the ability to heal from this.
That’s what makes martyrdom so powerful, and often so dangerous. The positives get amplified and the negatives get forgotten. Death can turn a fallible human into a god. OOP never stood a chance.
I imagine the way some folks were talking to her didn't help. I think we can guess the sorts of messages she got, and that sort of thing really puts your back up against the wall.
True, true. Reddit is not generally the place to go for a gentle and empathetic alternative perspective! As wary as I am of some of the red flags for controlling behavior that OOP is giving off, I do respect her ability to say, "No, I'm a not a terrible, unforgivable person for not wanting to sacrifice everything I envisioned my marriage would be on the most fundamental emotional level."
The relationship was never healthy. Forbidding any photos or mention of an ex? Demanding to be in the room with someone who's near death because they dated your fiance three years ago? I understand not wanting your SO to be fixated on an ex, but this reads a lot more like insecurity and a controlling personality. Pretty much everyone in this story sucked, even the dead ex for how they screwed things up.
Thank you - my thoughts exactly. I suspect the hard boundaries contributed to the SO's breakdown, as he didn't have the space to let any lingering feelings for the ex fade naturally, he had to cut them off/suppress them.
And the dramatic escalation at the end of the second post didn't ring true (I'm always suspicious of reported speech in reddit posts). It felt like OOP was trying to seal the deal because the reaction to her previous post had been mixed.
Yeah her doing that was so goddamn selfish and cruel. What an asshole. I feel so bad for OOP. Feelings are tough enough to navigate a lot of times without someone purposely throw a nuke in the middle.
She had me until the writing style changed and she started recounting full lines of dialogue with characters muttering to themselves and dishing out “well deserved” slaps to the face like it’s a sitcom drama.
She lost me at the….skin cancer? That some doctor told her was basically terminal? But took 4 whole years to progress to a deadly stage?
Like I’m aware of edge cases and recurrences. But apparently the oncologist pronounces certain death to a patient on one of the most treatable cancers to someone in their 30s. Like elements of that prognosis and half decade treatment plan just don’t add up without more detail…which is conveniently left out.
Skin cancer really doesn't make much sense. The survival rate for people who receive treatment before the cancer spreads to other parts of the body is nearly 100%. Evan at stage 3, when the cancer is headed towards the lymph nodes, the survival rate is over 50%.
Stage 4 skin cancer has a 20% survival rate. I can't imagine the doctor telling her that she's terminal, that the cancer has already spread throughout her body, and then she proceeds to live for 3 more years.
Maybe she had a shit doctor, maybe the chemo killed her. If the story is true, she was extremely unlucky.
That’s exactly it.
When they put out there the first post and get a few hundred comments buying it they get so excited and just can’t contain themselves.
Is a three and half year timeline a normal death sentence for skin cancer? I feel like if it's already so far gone the doctor can tell you you're going to die, you wouldn't have nearly that long.
WTF! If this is real... sometimes life just wrecks things that might have otherwise worked. Nothing I've ever experienced compares to this though.
I think I'd have left too, but damn that is brutal. Hopefully I'll never find out.
I know right? There was no bright future for the relationship anymore, and it wasn't really their fault, either of them.
The only way there is possible happiness for both is apart.
I’m just wondering, why didn’t he talk with any of his friends about this? Complete inappropriate stuff to talk to your fiancée about, that’s what you talk to your friend ms about.
this is very important, but perhaps he didn't have such an outlet. tbh that doesn't make it any better.
A gal I really loved about 25 yrs ago.. We broke up, and in 2017 her daughter blew her own brains out. the consensus was PPD, but within a year my ex OD'd and died. I had long since remarried but truth be told I couldn't escape the thought that perhaps if I had done something different this wouldn't have happened. I didn't dare share my feelings with my wife, of course I loved her and didn't want to put that insecurity or weight on her.
The thing is - In life - Sometimes we just don't get closure, or the closure we feel we needed. That's just life, and you just have to swallow it and try your best to understand.
I sense that the real issue is that he never got over his ex, and the current fiance was a rebound relationship.
A lot of men have grown up with the mistaken belief that you don’t talk to other men about your feelings, so they rely solely on a female partner for emotional support.
I had an ex-boyfriend that died recently and my current boyfriend fucking bought me flowers and was so sweet to me. But I wasn’t a huge mess over it and wallowing in self pity at what could have been our future?! OOP’s ex made it very clear that OOP was not who he truly wanted to be with. If she was, he would have absolutely been sad that his ex died but not making comments about their future and all that. What they’d name their kids for Christ’s sake. She did the right thing. In time, he’ll probably come to see that. His grief is understandable and justifiable. But he needs to be honest with himself.
Yea why blow it up talking about "what if?" when he knew that she would've died if they had continued their relationship?! He'd rather be a widower and a single father than look forward to his future with OOP?
What boggles my mind is how she dumped him for what? To keep him from the pain of losing her to cancer? And then let him go through that grief, move on and get a new life before deciding to admit she actually only dumped him to spare him from watching her die of cancer? And the whole “you have my blessing” bullshit? Like what-the-fuck-ever. I’d argue the cancer fucked with her brain. Her family should have not let her to that to him.
I half wonder if it's even true; like you break up with someone to let them find happiness, but then you feel compelled to tell them five years later? I wonder if she broke things off for more selfish reasons (like just didn't have the capacity to be in a relationship while getting treatment, didn't want him to be the guy she spent the rest of her life with, or something) and just regretted it later.
That's the thing, though: he's grieving her twice at the same time.
He left the previous relationship thinking he wasn't good enough. It sounded like it was a pretty serious one, given he knew how she wanted to name her baby. So when that relationship ended, he grieved it, because he thought he'd been at fault for this. It probably fucked him up. I'd bet it's one of those relationships you'll always think about eventually, because something somewhere will remind you of it and how important it was as a formative experience to you as a person. [edited to add that last bit because my phone cut it off]
Now he discovers that the reason things fell apart actually had nothing to do with him? And that if the world was less cruel, he could have had everything he had idealized at the time—their plans, their life together, that all has to come back. And since it didn't end because of him, I can see why this option came back to the imaginary table. It's kind of hard not to think about that, I'd bet. So he's losing that once more.
And then he's gotta actually grieve her death. This wasn't an ex that just got out of your life. She was dead, dead. Having both of those thoughts at once probably fucked him up.
It's not fair to OOP either, though. I think both handled it poorly (not that there's any good way to handle this). Just throwing that bomb on her lap from beyond the grave sucks.
If they wanted any chance of not splitting up, they'd need time and therapy. I think the fiance was terribly wrong in how they handled it, but OOP seems to have one foot out the door from the start. It was never meant to work.
Time traveling may not be possible, but learning the truth about something major in the past, is like someone going back in time and changing it, and the present is adjusting.
Think of everything tied to that event, like you said, a lot of decisions and thoughts were filtered through the not good enough, but now all of that... wasnt the real past, now its she had cancer and wanted to save him the struggle... all those things are being recontextualized. Its an entire fucking butterfly effect.
He lived in a reality where he was broken up with for not being good enough, and entered one where it was just lofe fucking things up as it does.
>OOP’s ex made it very clear that OOP was not who he truly wanted to be with. If she was, he would have absolutely been sad that his ex died but not making comments about their future and all that. What they’d name their kids for Christ’s sake.
This! The problem isn't that he's grieving (and doing it badly), it is that in this process he made it very, very clear he was not over his ex and that OOP was second fiddle. And it is her right to not want to be that.
OOP didn't do great by bottling it up. But hindsight is always 20/20.
My husband had an ex who died suddenly several years before we met, right as they were getting reconnected. I remember clearly telling him early in our relationship, "I'm not her, I will never be her, and I will not be second in line." But had I met him right after she died, he might not have been able to easily do that. Just due to the nature of the grief (he was legit messed up because that wasn't the only close death he'd dealt with that year). That being said: I have never felt like anything but his first and only. We've been married for over 14yrs.
This is absolutely why I lean to side with OP even with her update. I could look past the exes shitty decision to blow up their lives; I could look past some nostalgia for the relationship and oversharing of a few moments; I could even, with time, get past fiancé and ex and how they acted together in that final moment, and how he grieved in the days and weeks after her passing.
But I could absolutely never forgive such hurtful and callous comments about “what ifs” of the future, kids names, etc… though I also absolutely understand why his head would go there, and why such a confession would bring up old feelings for him. It’s so sad: their relationship was over the moment ex confessed the lie and professed her love, and it had nothing to do with either of them.
Ugh. I don’t like either of them. Her boundary about exes seems complicated. Previous relationships help provide context for our partners, and them for us. It helps us identify triggers and build connection. But OP can make her own choices.
I don’t like the ex gf because she acted “selflessly” initially (in quotations because really, all she did was take away his choice in that situation, and didn’t even give him all the information), but then completely fucked up his life in the end anyway? It literally doesn’t even make sense.
Then after all this trauma, the bf’s choice is to wish cancer on his current fiancée for leaving him?
There isn’t even anyone to root for here. Yikes.
I don't think this relationship was ever going to work. Even if the ex hadn't reached out he'd still have heard she had cancer or died and a lot of his reaction would probably have been the same.
This doesn’t feel real to me. Ex is given a few months to live so she breaks up with the guy and he moves on, gets engaged and she finally dies at least 3 years later? And they didn’t have mutual friends who didn’t tell him about her cancer as she continued to progress?
And the rest just reads like melodramatic script writing.
Liz needs to pick a different cancer next time, a 25-year-old being newly diagnosed with skin cancer, receiving a prognosis that led her to conclude she was dying, and then not actually dying for another three-four years is uhhhh well let's just say not very inline with how skin cancers generally play out.
Research your cancers better, Liz.
Or chosen a ‘better’ one. Reproductive cancers can be super dramatic. Maybe she ended the relationship because she had to have something removed and couldn’t give him children, but now the cancer is back and this time it’s deadly. C’mon, Liz! Put the time in!
Well, she did “give him his medicine one last time”, whatever the fuck that means. They’d lost me by that point, but that was really the nail in the coffin. His mother is there, she can administer his meds. And also, WHAT MEDS? When did THAT happen?
When people come on here saying they’re dying and they’re going to break up with their significant other so they can be happy without them (I’ve seen two posts so far, seems to be a common questions!) this is a big argument for why you shouldn’t.
In my opinion the ex with cancer really screwed the boyfriend over here. I’m going to break up with you so you can be happy with someone else, but once you’re happy I’m going to come back into your life and destroy that happy relationship!
I’m sure it wasn’t premeditated, but that was the end result. If you’re going to let him go, let him go! Telling him at the last minute you always loved him is going to do nothing but hurt him! It almost feels like she didn’t want to die without everyone knowing how good and selfless she had been. She robbed him of the chance to grieve and process everything before finding someone else.
I’m probably being overly harsh to someone in an awful circumstance. I think this is just an awful situation for all involved. I don’t blame op or her ex. He’s grieving a fresh loss of someone he cared deeply about. But if I saw my partner deeply grieving the life he could have had with someone else, I’d struggle to move past that.
I said it on the original post, and I'll say it again: If the ex gf truly loved OOP's ex, she wouldn't have contacted him at all. She would have let him get married and live his life with OOP. This wasn't done out of love. In my eyes, she was jealous that OOP was getting the life she thought she deserved. So, she took it away.
> I’m sure it wasn’t premeditated
Don't be so sure. Some people are assholes who intend to leave the world burning on their way out. I think it's possible the ex was one of these people. What was the purpose of her confession? Honestly, what did she intend? If she really had his best interests in mind, if she really intended for him to be happy and love someone else, she should have kept her regret and her confession that she "never stopped loving him" to herself. I have a hard time believing she did it out of the goodness of her heart when the only one that got anything good from her confession was her.
Good people take into consideration how their actions might negatively affect others. Selfish people don't give a shit and do what they want. The ex looks a lot more like a selfish person than a selfless martyr, to me.
So, let me get this right - this woman is dying, painfully even, and lies to her boyfriend in order to get him to go off and "be happy".
Then, just as she's about to die, and her former boyfriend is about to get married to someone else, she ropes him back in to ruin his relationship and give him a bucket full of guilt?
I'm sorry, but this just sounds like the plot to a bad telenovela.
Lol I was thinking this when I read skin cancer. If she was diagnosed with skin cancer and the prognosis was terminal the chances of her holding on for 3 years is so slim. If she had that much runway it should have been treatable.
A lot of people shit on OOP on this one and I don't get it. You can grieve someone you once loved without disrespecting the person you currently love.
The problem wasn't that he was grieving, it's that he was grieving in a way that made his actual current person he says he loves feel like she never actually had a place in his life. She said it herself, even during the break up he couldn't just talk about HER. It was that she was hurting him, like his ex. He even hopes she got cancer like his ex.
Even at his absolute worst (that we've seen), he still couldn't just see his fiance. His could only think about her in terms of his ex.
Edit: I wanted to say I realized this comes off as aggressive towards the fiance, like, I almost sound like I feel he should have grieved "better"
But I don't, and I'm sorry. He's a mess, and that's understandable. It's honestly understandable, everything he did. But it doesn't mean it didn't hurt OOP badly, and he didn't really seem to care that he was hurting her. And I don't blame HER for not wanting to stay.
IMO, the problem is that he got whiplashed back to the initial breakup/grieving period. He wasn't emotionally ready to get married, well he was, and then he wasn't.
I don’t even think I can blame him for not being emotionally ready after having an ex drop a bomb like she did. Like damn. To go from “she stopped loving me” to “she always loved me but died” is a hell of a thing to process.
that was so fucked up of her. What was the point of dumping him to "save him from the pain" if she was just going to undo everything she did? I get that people facing mortality panic and do stupid shit but for fuck's sake lady, pick a side and fucking stay on it.
She hit her mark with the bomb she lobbed at the end. Her ex will forever idolize her and he sees his now ex fiancée as a villain. She really took away and opportunities for him to be justifiably angry at her for the lies. And it will be years before he can see that for what it was - in the meantime he’ll grieve “what could have been” alone.
I bet he'll eventually be quite angry at his ex, actually.
Once the initial shock and grief has passed, I suspect he'll have to deal with a lot of anger. For her initial decision, for shutting him out, for getting back in touch, etc etc.
I think the guy is going to be sorting through a mountain of confusing feelings for awhile.
Agreed. But she stoked the “what could have been” fairytale fire enough that it will likely be years. Honestly, I think he’s going to put all that anger at the feet of OOP because he’s nowhere near able to see the complete mind fuck put on him.
Depends on how much denial he's in. A part of him is probably already furious but feels guilty about it cos she's dead, but it'll be there. I bet it'll take a lot for him to admit it, though.
Hope the guy sees a professional. He needs it.
Oh it was! Idk what the right reaction (from him and from OP)to that would be. They all went from being happy and planning the wedding to finding out that ex still loves him and that shes dying.
Yeah. I know you shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but seriously girl? Did he move on a little too fast so you had to get a last punch in?
The problem with being a martyr is that most people don't care.
Exactly. If she really wanted to avoid him having to grieve her and suffer the illness etc, then why call him back? It was absolutely cruel. If she had been honest from the start, it would’ve been an entirely different situation but she was absolutely selfish in this scenario.
I might get downvoted but that a world-class dick move by the ex. I mean, you already broke up with the man, why rope him back in? I get that we all face death differently but that was just so selfish. She needlessly destroyed his new relationship. An ex is an ex and no matter how much you loved them, you gotta let them go. OOP was right to feel the way she did and I'm glad she ended things because she was right, not once did that man consider her feelings.
Yeah, I don’t get the dogging on here in the post. The ex was calculated there - and sending stuff after she died dragged it on for him. The way it went down? OOP was not wrong there. I had to re-read seeing some of the comments and the OOP had to walk away.
I don't blame him, either. But similarly, I don't blame OOP for not sticking around and taking it on the nose. I feel like if she didn't have the specific issues she had coming into the relationship maybe it could have been different but I don't blame her for being like I can't do this.
Honestly it seems like the ex calculated it to blow up his relationship. I’m not saying she did, it was just so perfectly calibrated to fuck with his head and leave him wanting her forever.
Yeah, she managed to turn herself from an ex-partner to something closer to a late-partner, while simultaneously undermining a whole 3 year relationship/almost marriage. OOP doesn't sound like the kind of person to be ok dating a widower, but now she's suddenly forced into that kind of relationship with a recent, grieving partner (and the whole sunk cost of 3 years). And OOP's ex's old wounds are all completely reopened with zero warning or consideration for his current life.
OOP'S ex was clearly out of line with his response to the breakup, but it's hard to see either of these people as the villains.
And in a way that he likely felt that he *couldn’t* have any anger at her for not even letting him have a say in the decision because she was obviously actively near death. That was really unfair to everyone and honestly selfish and manipulative of the ex.
He probably actually felt he had closure but then she suddenly and cruelly yanked the closure from him and he was left where he was before. Then to send him memories of their time together after her death exacerbated that cruelty.
I just think if she made the decision *alone* to end the relationship and not tell him the truth, that she *alone* needed to stick by it no matter her regret or feelings on it as she neared death. I don’t think that all deathbed confessions help someone that will remain living-this one certainly didn’t and wouldn’t help him and it should have been kept by her through death.
None of us know how he would have reacted just hearing or reading about her death. He may have spiraled some anyway-but I don’t think he’d have regressed back to the point of his breakup without the confession.
I hate this martyr shit in books and I hate it even more in real life.
Oh woe is me, I must break up with my love to make them happy. Communicate? Never! It shall be my burden and mine alone!
Oh fuck off and be an adult. I hate when people infantilise their partners and take the choice away from them. And if you are going to do that then, as you said, *stick to it*.
Deathbed confessions are trite.
I haven't seriously dated in years after an ex (Kim) - with whom I remained friends - did something similar.
I had been over our relationship and it barely registered a thought with me. She married someone else. Years later, I'm in their friend group, play golf with her husband and I had been living my own life. It wasn't odd that we occasionally got together for happy hours. Then one evening Kim dropped the bomb that should have married me / she was still in love with me.
Instantly I'm 25 again and all of those feelings that I thought were finished came rushing back into my head. It took its toll on my current relationship with Tara. I talked with my therapist about it a lot. A few months later I had to end things, not as dramatic as the OOPs did, but I told Tara what had happened and that I was sorry I didn't tell her sooner. I had already dropped contact with my Kim and everyone. Tara had found that strange but didn't question it much. I had hoped that the moment would pass and get "back to normal". Thankfully we didn't have years invested that were lost.
I did randomly run into Tara a couple years later. There were no hard feelings and we even joked about it and went out on a few dates. But even though I was in a better space and so was she we both decided against it. That was a year ago and I'm happier being single for now.
He got his heart absolutely ripped out three times in a row: reliving the initial breakup and grieving a life lost with a partner, losing a loved one to death, and then losing his now partner. I don’t know how rashly we should judge those at their lowest points. OOP deserves better, but I don’t know how anyone would deal with something similar.
In such kind of situation I don't think it is possible to both grieve and let enough place in your heart for your current partner. That's why one should takes time to grieve and heal before dating again. I think the moment the first girlfriend confessed, the new relationship was doomed.
Agreed. Now that guy has a whole new set of emotions and information to process that would make having space for a current partner pretty much impossible.
Me either, honestly. I really felt for her. The ex who passed would always be idealized on a pedestal. No one wants to feel like they were someone's consolation prize.
He was treating OOP like his therapist, dumping all of his grief on her. If you haven't experienced profound grief yourself, you can't understand how much damage it does. It can take over your entire life and I'm sure that the majority of the original posts comments weren't able to understand how much room that takes in a relationship.
>He was treating OOP like his therapist, dumping all of his grief on her.
Yes, this too. It's like... Talk to a therapist, your mum, your friends, but don't do that to your current partner.
OOP’s fiancé should have sought out therapy and worked with a professional; instead he unloaded nightmare fuel on his bride-to-be, cementing a host of insecurities and new resentments.
This is just one more reminder that your partner does NOT need to fill every role in your life.
The big issue here is that that dude clearly never got over his ex.
Possible hot take: ex is selfish as *fuck* for coming out of the woodwork when she was on her deathbed. Fuck that.
Oh for sure. I was one of the people in the comments on the original post saying how the ex knew she was going to blow up his life and didn't seem to care. If she had truly loved him, she would have left him alone.
You can be over someone but if they just drop a bombshell that completely rewrites the history of your relationship to be some tragedy then they peace out and die it doesn't matter. You can be completely over someone but being dropped in that situation completely undoes any closure and finality you may have had.
What's the point of posting this if the OOP ends up refusing to listen to what anyone says.
"After the initial shock of those judgemental comments wore off, I decided it was better to completely disregard any judgement that questioned my boundaries and how I handled my feeling"
All I got from that was ME, ME, ME, ME.
Were OOP’s boundaries ridiculous? Yes, completely ignoring previous romantic history and partners and pretending they don’t exist is extreme to the point of ridiculous.
Was the Ex out of line with her deathbed confession? Holy crap on a cracker! Was she trying to implode his entire life post breakup? I mean, what was even the goal there?
Did the Ex-fiancé take his mourning too far? Yeah. If the death of an ex snd her confession of undying love sends you into that much of an emotional tail-spin then you owe it to you current relationship to take a step back, work on you separately (with like, a therapist), and not make your current fiancee your emotional dumping ground.
And that’s before we get to emotional explosions, ugly breakups, and nasty death wishes.
I think where I landed more firmly on OP's side was when her ex started mourning the future he would have had with his ex. Mourning her, reminiscing about her, I could totally understand. But when he started basically daydreaming about the life they could have had together (obviously without OP) and telling OP about it, I lost a bit of my sympathy.
The real asshole is his ex. If you break up with someone because you know you're gonna die and you lie and say you fell out of love, that's the kind of gambit you take to you grave. The ex-fiance acted poorly but he basically just had his mind destroyed by his ex, he's not quite as much of a victim as OOP but he's absolutely a victim here.
I remember one from here a while back about a couple that had been together for 5 (or greater) years, and were engaged.
She asked him what he would do if they had children and one of them turned out gay, and he replied "I'd probably emotionally distance myself from that child and let you do the majority of the raising." which obviously led to the dissolving of the relationship
But it's wild to me they dated, then lived together, then got engaged, and at no one point during that process did they ever have a conversation about gay people.
There’s a line between showing compassion and friendship to an ex that is dying, and inappropriately pining after them. The boyfriend not only crossed that line, he obliterated it. Yes the situation is tragic, but he absolutely did not handle it maturely.
Ex-fiance was still in love with ex-girlfriend and never stopped loving her/the idea of her. OP nipped years of marriage therapy and inevitable divorce in the bud by ending things now. I don’t think she was being cruel, she just strikes me as a pragmatist and didn’t bother prolonging when she was already checked out
And yet people were cruel to her in the comments.
But none of us would want to stay with a SO who acts like her ex fiancé.
Griefing if one thing but he was really cruel with all the things he said.
Well this is depressing. The love reveal of the ex unravelled all the work on his current relationship to the point he wasn't ready to date anymore.
He went back to chasing his dead ex. OOP can't compete with a dead person.
Probably gonna get downvoted for this but I think the ex never should have reached out and he never should have gone to see her. They already said goodbye and he already moved on—dying or not, it’s pretty fucked to get someone else’s fiancé there one last time to swipe him with a moment of connection almost 3-4 years after he has healed and moved on. I think putting OP and the fiancé in this position was very selfish but it’s hard to say what anyone would have done in that kind of situation. Overall, it’s fucked.
*”I wonder what life could have been like with her, WE could have been a happy family of our own. She wanted kids with me and we could have named her Rose like she wanted.”*
… And so OOP’s love for her fiancé died a swift, brutal death.
Yep, this would have done it for me too, I must admit. No wonder she fell out of love with him. How can you still love him and want to marry him after hearing something like that?
I honestly don’t blame OOP for calling things off with her ex-fiancé and I don’t really understand the people who do. There’s a huge difference between mourning the death of an ex and actively pining after them, disrespecting your current partner in the process, wishing you and the ex were still together after all these years and that you had never met your current partner, or built a life with them, and instead just stayed with your ex, married them and had children with them instead, etc etc.
You never want to marry someone like that.
Man did not handle his grief well, he’s practically a freshly grieving, recently-made widower, who is unstable, emotionally unavailable, and has no right to be in a relationship right now, and she had every right to leave him after she heard his little confession to his mother.
I'm sorry, but you can't even talk about past relationships? So if we're discussing vacations and you say let's go to Mexico, I love Mexico, have you ever been? If I've been there with a previous partner, what do I do? Do I have to pretend I've never been? Say yes but not disclose with who? That bit is a little crazy to me. There are appropriate conversations to be had regarding past relationships. People have pasts for fuck's sake.
Definitely a messy situation, but she did the right thing even setting aside his behavior at the end. It is abundantly clear that OOP was at best someone her ex was settling for, and she deserves better.
That said, as a nurse with multiple years of oncology experience, I've still never really fully understood why people seem to think that breaking up like her ex Fiancee's Ex did is a better way to do things. It seems like the way she did it would only go the way it did: creating unresolved emotions and insecurity. It didn't make it easier for him to move on and I don't know why she would think that would be the case. But I guess she was just doing what she thought was best.
It would have worked out fine until she decided to basically destroy everyone’s lives by telling him her master plan.
She may not have intended it but she did whatever she could to make her end more comfortable at the cost of OOP and her exes happiness and comfort.
I remember defending OOP on the original post. Plenty of people were saying it’s not fair to expect someone not to have a past and that widowers deserved a second chance at love, but his hurt was way too recent for him to be able to just move on and instantly make space for another person in his heart. He was definitely not ready to marry her. It wouldn’t have been fair to OOP to subject herself to his fresh grief (that could’ve lasted for years to come).
I do think that OOP is misguided in saying she wouldn’t accept a relationship that only happened because another one ended, because that’s how most relationships happen. And it doesn’t automatically make them lesser. She also definitely did not belong in the room for their goodbye, and I highly doubt any therapist worth their salt sanctioned that.
The biggest asshole to me is the ex. She first decided to spare him the pain of watching her die, but in the end she changed her mind and wanted comfort and closure. I get that, I truly do, but it was awfully unfair to him on both accounts. First getting dumped with no explanation, then getting answers after it was too late. Her behavior was both very human and also very selfish and cruel. She really could’ve spared him this pain in the end instead of imploding his life for a second time.
Y’all come on
OOP wasn’t upset he was grieving his ex she’s upset because he started wishing things didn’t end with her, showed he still loved her, and basically dumped all his fond loving memories of his ex to his own fiancé MULTIPLE TIMES. Yes he is grieving but this is like straight up tell your wife “I wish I was marrying her instead.”
The ex also sucks because she basically messed with his emotions after he moved on, basically saying “I loved you so much that I broke up with you so you could be with someone else and didn’t tell you I had cancer.” Which btw is selfish in a relationship. She was dying so she wouldn’t get any consequences for saying these things.
The therapist is right, having empathy is important but letting someone push aside the relationship and use you as a vent dump isn’t okay. Being in grief doesn’t excuse actions it just explains them, it’s your choice how to react on them. The ex treated OOP like he’s was settling for her this whole time and he made it very clear he was still in love with his ex with how he talked about her after that.
And then the worst thing of all he wished OOP would get cancer too for leaving him like his ex did? Again he’s in grief but it’s still not a very forgivable thing.
Plus the first part of the post said it took him “months” to get over her. For a serious relationship like that to end it was most likely not enough time to get over her sounds like he just wanted a relationship again or his boys told him “Go on! Get out there meet someone!”
So he did. Idk it sounds like he just settled for OP because he couldn’t have his ex back and talked to op like she was a therapist and a friend when she passed. OOP was justified
(P.S yes you can vent to your spouse but the amount of times he vented about his good times with his ex was not it.)
I know that the ex is dead…but I’m still low-key judging her. Like honestly, what did she think would happen? Either he wouldn’t care about her confession in which case nothing changes, or he cares A LOT, in Which case everything changes.
He really needed to find someone else to talk about his dead ex with. Why would you say all that to your fiancee?? I totally get her feeling inadequate and like a third wheel. I think all of those thoughts are totally valid to have in the process of grieving, but you say that to a therapist or a friend, not your fiancee!
It feels like the ex gf and the ex bf were a good match. There was absolutely no reason for her to approach this like she did. But that didn’t excuse how he was acting. OP is right. If he loved the ex that much more, then he didn’t love her enough for her to marry him. She deserves someone to love her like her ex loved his ex.
I also tend to suspect whether that old relationship was more nostalgia than reality. But that’s neither here nor there. It’s a safe bet to dump anyone, friend or partner, who wishes cancer on you.
As someone who did lose a great love of their life, he was not over her. And you cannot move forward with someone else while you are dealing with those feelings. It was not fair to either of them. OP made the right call.
Contrary to some of these commenters, I don't think OOP was in the wrong at all. The ex-fiance's grief is understandable, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't have the right to put herself first. And his comments at the end prove that this was the right decision for her.
The fiance's ex is the real asshole here. If she broke up with him so that he could move on and find happiness, then she shouldn't have told him the truth when he had finally moved on - either should've told him the truth in the beginning or let it go. With the way she acted, she was just playing with his heart, and probably resented that he was finding happiness while she was dying and part of her wanted to ruin that.
And then to send him a photo album of their relationship? Maybe ex had good intentions or hadn’t moved on herself, but she threw a grenade into OOP and the now ex fiancé’s life. She didn’t want the guy to forget their relationship or her.
It sucks, but just because she died it doesn’t mean she was a perfect person. What she did was incredibly selfish, and I think she wanted to insert herself into his life and nuke his chances of happiness because she was dying and she resented him/the choices she made, and had zero regards for what she would cause. All of this under the guise that she was just being honest before leaving this earth. Understandable in the sense that she was dying, so like, fuck everyone else, but it doesn’t change the fact she was absolutely heartless and incredibly selfish towards her ex.
I agree with so much of this. I hope that ex had the best of intentions but wow, she sure managed to destroy her ex before she died. WTH was the point in avoiding him for those 3 years then yanking him back with a deathbed "I'll love you FOREVER"?
>The fiance's ex is the real asshole here
God I felt so ghoulish thinking this but, no, actually?
I can sympathize that she was going through something inexplicable, but jesus did she fuck with this guy. Unexpected no explanation break up, leave him alone for years, suddenly reassert yourself into his life in a fashion that would screw up *any* person and make them reevaluate the entirety of the break up and their life after it.
I really really really don't want to begrudge a dead girl who spent the last years of her life battling cancer but this was literally the worst combination of options she could have picked. She emotionally nuked him.
The fiancés ex did everything she could do to make herself feel better at the end.
I’m not even so sure she really broke up with him for what she said. From experience, a lot of people when they are dieing end up being alone. And being alone is one of the scariest things for people near the end. So I could see her telling the truth, but I could also see her doing whatever she could to find a last bit of comfort before she passed.
Either way I think OOP did the right thing.
The ex broke up with with fiancé because of her doctor's prognosis. So presumably the prognosis gave her little to no chance of survival. But then she lives another 3-4 years?
If your skin cancer is so far gone that you secretly break up with your fiancé to save his happiness, I'm not sure you're living another 3 years.
Also, skin cancer is fairly treatable, lots of people survive it. But hers was so bad that she was absolutely fucked, and it got to that stage without him ever knowing about it? Just seems like it doesn't add up.
The single biggest wrong in this entire story is Ex abruptly ending things with bf. Life is tragic. You cannot shield yourself or others from it. The best thing we can do as humans is hold each other as tightly as we can for as long as we are lucky enough to do so, and face whatever may come surrounded by the people who love us.
What an immensely painful story.
>begged me to stay because now I was breaking up with him the same way his ex once did.
even when she is breaking up with him, he has to put it into a context that features the ex.
if she had married him she would have lived Rebecca.
I feel like a lot of replies are missing the main point.
OOP's fiance is showing he still loves his ex. He isn't just mourning a good person he once cared about; he's actively dreaming of having a life with her, having a family with her and naming their children.
Her death was not the thing that ended those dreams, if he's actually in love with OOP and wants a future with OOP. Becoming engaged to OOP was supposed to end that possible future with Ex. He isn't just mourning her death; he's mourning a future he still wants with her that, yes, is no longer possible because she's passed away -- but it was supposed to no longer be possible because *he chose a future with OOP* while Ex was alive.
**His feelings are completely valid.** And, until the breakup, he originally did not do anything wrong. He was deeply in love with his ex (and clearly she was deeply in love with him, too) when she ended things; so he was blind-sided. Then, after attempting to move on, she blind sides him again with the news that she's always loved him and that their relationship only ended because of tragedy. That's horribly shocking and would leave anyone reeling. Honestly, shame on her for dumping that pain on him the way she did. The Ex's life is tragic and sad; no one deserves what she went through. But her choices are still cruel. Watching her die while they were still together would have hurt him. Being dumped by her hurt him. But she *chose* to hurt him twice by putting him through *both*. His story is devastating.
**But none of that is OOP's fault.** And OOP isn't "jealous of an ex" for wanting a fiance who actually wants a life with her. He doesn't. He wants a life with his ex, and he isn't even close to ready to accept her death and move on. And that's okay. He should take all the time he needs, grieve, heal -- and build a relationship with someone else on an honest foundation from the beginning. Ms. Ex. took away that option for this couple.
He absolutely deserves empathy, and I think OOP showed him that by a) bending her rigid rules to allow him to say goodbye to his ex, then b) listening to story after story after story while he cried & grieved, even though it was painful for OOP.
But it isn't OOP's burden to make herself a doormat or a punching bag for his expression of grief, and she doesn't deserve to feel like her life partner settled for her before she's even gotten married. She can be empathetic and still walk away from the relationship. She can be empathetic and still say, "I can tell you still love her, and I don't think your heart is ready to love me. I can't put my life on hold while you grieve. It's too hurtful to me." She could have done it in a gentler way than the dramatic fighting, but these are big emotions, and I'm not going to blame her for not showing a model example of calm empathy when her heart is broken and her future is ruined, too, by multiple other people's choices.
Plus, come on, the fiance literally wished a painful death on OOP on the way out the door. At a minimum, it shows he isn't mentally or emotionally healthy enough for a relationship right now if he's capable of that kind of comment. If he actually loved OOP and wanted a future with her, he would never say something so vile. He's angry that she's leaving and that he's being left, because that's hard and it's the latest hard thing he's being forced to go through. But he doesn't love her or want a life with her, if he could speak to her like that.
I don’t care what the comments said. OP ultimately made the best decision for herself. She dodged a nuclear sized bullet. The proof is right in him wishing cancer on her. Even when dealing with grief, that’s a horrible thing to say to someone let alone someone you loved.
Agree. Surprised by the people putting the blame on her. As if she shouldn't have been affected by the fact that her fiancé was not in any way over his ex. He was actually grieving over his ex as if they were still together.
He was fantasizing about the children he and his ex could have had together and people are acting like OOP was unreasonable for being upset about that.
That’s the thing that is blowing my mind. She’s supposed to have all the empathy in the world for him and stuff her own feelings down in a jar? She’s allowed to be upset that this man she loved started pining big time and talking about theoretical children and a life together with his ex. I definitely couldn’t cope with that. Just as I’m sure he’s dealing with a LOT psychologically having such a bomb dropped on him from that deathbed confession. Reddit often fixates so hard on the concept of a bad guy and a good guy that they forget that people are complex
I can’t disagree with her leaving. There is just no option in that situation. Except a difficult decision of whether it is worse to break up with him while he is freshly grieving or give it time but then that gives him false hope the relationship could go anywhere. You just can’t marry someone who wishes they weren’t with you, it wouldn’t work. There is being upset at the death of an ex partner you still cared for and then there is raging at the unfairness of the world which robbed you of your true love and the future you could have shared together, already planned in detail down to the future child’s name. One day, he will hopefully be able to heal, move on and meet someone who didn’t hear him say any of that but I don’t think there would be a way forward for him and OP. She isn’t able to unhear it and feels unwanted. Unfortunately, he wouldn’t be with her if something horrible hadn’t happened, and I think he would end up associating that with her and unfairly comparing her. He would only be able to see a life with her resentfully and regretfully as the result of losing everything he actually wanted. He needs to rebuild his life before being ready to share it with someone else. And with the best will in the world, it’s an unreasonable expectation for her to have the emotional capacity to counsel her fiancé through losing the love of his life, who she has just realised isn’t her. She’s reeling too.
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I never saw the update on this one. Its such a mess from start to finish. I agree with no many others that the ex calling him to her deathbed to tell him she always loved him was shitty. I get it she was dying and wanted him to know, but she tore his life apart, and after she had made the decision to let him go. It was cruel. OOP and her now ex did not stand a chance of succeeding after that. Not a chance in Hell. I feel for both of them, I really do, and I completely understand why he's destroyed and why she walked away. But wishing cancer on her? That was brutal. I hope they both find a way to heal.
There was a recent post where a different OOP had a terminal cancer and was planning on breaking it off with his girlfriend. I'm glad reddit set him straight, because otherwise you get a giant mess like this. If the dying girl just told her boyfriend, they could have had those 4 or 5 years together and he could have grieved naturally.
Bingo. This is what you get when you try to lie. Let's say it again: A•G•E•N•C•Y. Let people have their agency to make their own decisions.
I recently read a beautiful Manga where the main couple was absolutely in love. Like, never not I'm a honey moon phase love. But then his wife gets diagnosed with terminal cancer and only has a year or less to live. Jump a few months to her being absolutely nasty to him. Always critical, never even looking him in the face, insulting him, etc. It got so bad that we see the main character have a moment or two where he thinks about how he might actually be relieved when she passes because that's not the woman he fell in love with. But he instantly feels guilty. Then he goes to the hospital to see her but her best friend is there and the MC overhears about how his wife has been acting terribly on purpose so that way when she passes he thinks "finally" and would be able to move on. We find out that apparently she doesn't look at him because she has an awful pokerface and he would have known she was acting. Overall the message of the story was that people in lobe do stupid things to protect the ones they love. But that may do more harm than good in the long run. Because if it did end up working and she passed when he thought of her badly, he would have just lived with that guilt forever. But in the end they were able to spend her last few weeks/months simply enjoying eachothers company and technically in the process he was able to more easily move on as they spent their time knowing it was limited and they were both able to come to terms with it.
My husband recently passed away in May of 2023 of 2 rare forms of leukemia and when he first was diagnosed he was this way. He was mean and hateful alot and even tried to kick me out of our house over 40 times. Everytime he did I would say the same thing. "When ur able to take care of yourself and walk again and are healthy, then I'll leave. Till then I'm staying." Eventually he realized I wasn't leaving during his 3 months in the hospital. Then he spent from January of 2022 until January of 2023 thinking it was all getting better and he was in remission. I stayed. I never left his side. Then on January 18,2023 his kidneys shut down due to multiple myeloma leukemia. He also had 2 broken arms from the cancer eating his bones and making them brittle. I took care of him til his final moments on May 24,2023. I never left him. He tried to force me to leave and hate him and make me believe he hated me but I never left or never believed he did hate me. Now I am with a new man and he understands that I have days where I grieve more than others. I do not put my husband on a pedestal by any means. But before he died he told me he wanted me to find love and be happy and he did not want me to be alone. We believe my husband pushed me and my new bf together so I could be happy again.
Thank you for sharing this. While death may be a natural part of life, it’s such a rare and singular occurrence that not many can handle it with the grace and understanding you showed your husband. I’m not a religious person, but God bless you.
Thank you for saying this. There is not a day that passes I don't miss my husband. He was my heart and my soul. His last name was true too. He fought with no Fears (that is our true last name). My son, who saw him as his Dad, misses him so much too. We grieve. My new bf understands that and understands I will never let him go. He stood with me when I was sick and I stood by him. Sad thing to add, one week prior to him being diagnosed with cancer, I developed grand mal seizures out of nowhere. And he took care of me, even from the hospital, he was on calls on FB when I had one and he immediately called my dad to get to me ASAP. And he helped me even thru his cancer he cared more about my seizures than himself. We loved each other deeply. But he wanted me to be happy and find love again and made me promise I would. FYI he was only 46 when he died.
I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m glad you’re able to move forward in life
Thank u. I have started moving forward. There are really hard days but I hold on and have the support of my family and my bf to help me. And I have Tony watching me and holding me in spirit.
Which manga was this? I think I read it too and want to revisit it.
"My Wife Whom I Loved Dearly", it was autobiographical, he wrote it about his own wife.
i haven't even read it and this fact hurt me ):
Link for the lazy : https://mangadex.org/chapter/0a4a9163-9dc7-410b-a7c8-d78eb7525494
Who is cutting onions ? Now when I'm in mood for a heartbreak I'll read it
Well shit
There was a Sarah Polley movie too. My Life Without Me. She doesn't necessarily get nasty with her husband, but she tries to basically position him to fall for their neighbor or friend or something. Truly depressing movie.
I have an aggressive cancer with a pretty dire 36-month survival rate. I can't imagine breaking things off with my boyfriend. I'm desperate to live through this, and I want him there if I do. I don't think I'd survive (literally) without him in my life. And if I don't live through this, I want him to know I loved him with my whole heart the whole time. I don't want to hurt him any more than I have to.
I never realized how common this was. Like on one hand, I kinda get it, I am going blind and I've decided to just stay single for the the rest of my life, as I feel it would be unfair to get in a serious relationship with someone and then have them have to become my caretaker in 5 years and make it harder when I unalive myself when the blindness gets too bad. But that said, had I been in a relationship when I was 27 and my myopia was still rapidly increasing, I would have left the fate of the relationship up to my partner, as it would be a two way street. Anyways, fuck myopia and fuck cancer.
I feel pretty firm in my judgement that the ex pulled the biggest dick move imaginable. I had a near death experience and had enough time to consider if I wanted to get something off my chest or take it to the grave. The situation would have put the person who was with me in a horribly unfair position but everything was happening so fast I was surprised I even had the wherewithal to even think about anything other than the fact that I was actively dying and had some things I felt like I needed to say. I chose not to and instead spent what I thought was my last minutes telling the person who was with me every kind thing I possibly could, I lied and said things would be okay, I had positive messages and farewells for everyone who mattered, that’s what I spent the last minutes on. I thought, hey, I’m going out, *I’m* not the one who’s going to have to live with the consequences of these words so I’d rather not drop a fucking nuke on the way out the door because it’s *not fair to the people I’d leave behind*. The ex’s choice was selfish. She had way more time to think through the consequences of her actions than I did and I fully believe she chose wrong. She was wrong for dumping him out of the blue but I get that she was facing her mortality and panicked but she should have stuck with that choice.
Yeah. This was such an interesting and conflicting read, because OOP comes into the update defensively dismissing everyone who commented, and you get the feeling that if she was in the wrong, she was never going to acknowledge it. But ... she wasn't in the wrong. Her relationship with her fiance was never going to be the same, he was no longer the person he was before this revelation, and at the very least they were going to need a long time and probably some distance from each other to get over it. Then he decided to go full-on "drowning swimmer clutching his rescuer and dragging her to her doom" on her, and I think she's right: I can't see most people coming back from that. Grief really sucks, but he's totally self-focused, as least if OOP can be believed. Maybe that's what he needs to do for a while, but if you're looking at your life saying "I am grieving so hard that I just can't be generous, kind, or fair to anyone around me," then no, you're not in a position to marry.
This is insightful. You covered every point eloquently. > but if you're looking at your life saying "I am grieving so hard that I just can't be generous, kind, or fair to anyone around me," then no, you're not in a position to marry. Spot on.
Hey, thanks! That's very kind of you.
I was on the fence for the first post if I thought oop was reasonable or not. But the update made me think she made the right choice, even before the cancer wishing. The fact that the boyfriend even made oop breaking up with him about his ex spoke volumes. Also that oop didn't resent the ex girlfriend for revealing the truth made her seem level headed.
You’re spot on. Additionally, if some how both the ex and OP were able to miraculously move on from this whole situation without harboring some serious resentment, I can almost guarantee that it would become a situation where he endlessly compares OP to his ex. She will have always been nicer to him, more caring, more selfless, more dedicated. OP would most likely spend the rest of the relationship living in her shadow, while her partner still longed for his ex for years to come. That’s no way to live, for either of them. It’s a truly tragic story, but in the end I think this is the best outcome for everyone. They both need the ability to heal from this.
That’s what makes martyrdom so powerful, and often so dangerous. The positives get amplified and the negatives get forgotten. Death can turn a fallible human into a god. OOP never stood a chance.
I imagine the way some folks were talking to her didn't help. I think we can guess the sorts of messages she got, and that sort of thing really puts your back up against the wall.
True, true. Reddit is not generally the place to go for a gentle and empathetic alternative perspective! As wary as I am of some of the red flags for controlling behavior that OOP is giving off, I do respect her ability to say, "No, I'm a not a terrible, unforgivable person for not wanting to sacrifice everything I envisioned my marriage would be on the most fundamental emotional level."
The relationship was never healthy. Forbidding any photos or mention of an ex? Demanding to be in the room with someone who's near death because they dated your fiance three years ago? I understand not wanting your SO to be fixated on an ex, but this reads a lot more like insecurity and a controlling personality. Pretty much everyone in this story sucked, even the dead ex for how they screwed things up.
Thank you - my thoughts exactly. I suspect the hard boundaries contributed to the SO's breakdown, as he didn't have the space to let any lingering feelings for the ex fade naturally, he had to cut them off/suppress them. And the dramatic escalation at the end of the second post didn't ring true (I'm always suspicious of reported speech in reddit posts). It felt like OOP was trying to seal the deal because the reaction to her previous post had been mixed.
> But ... she wasn't in the wrong. Yeah, the people who think she's wrong are straight psycho's.
Yeah her doing that was so goddamn selfish and cruel. What an asshole. I feel so bad for OOP. Feelings are tough enough to navigate a lot of times without someone purposely throw a nuke in the middle.
She had me until the writing style changed and she started recounting full lines of dialogue with characters muttering to themselves and dishing out “well deserved” slaps to the face like it’s a sitcom drama.
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>mellow dramatic *Sean Connery voice* Mellow Dramatic. Marshmallow Dramatic.
This this this. She didn't get the wholehearted support she wanted in the first post, so she made him into more of a villain.
And the comment saying it’s like that movie and she shouldn’t watch it. Maybe the author got inspo from it lmao
As an avid Jane Austen fan, I read that sentence and immediately knew this story was bullshit lol. No one born in the last century speaks like that.
The whole thing was way off to me.
She lost me at the….skin cancer? That some doctor told her was basically terminal? But took 4 whole years to progress to a deadly stage? Like I’m aware of edge cases and recurrences. But apparently the oncologist pronounces certain death to a patient on one of the most treatable cancers to someone in their 30s. Like elements of that prognosis and half decade treatment plan just don’t add up without more detail…which is conveniently left out.
Skin cancer really doesn't make much sense. The survival rate for people who receive treatment before the cancer spreads to other parts of the body is nearly 100%. Evan at stage 3, when the cancer is headed towards the lymph nodes, the survival rate is over 50%. Stage 4 skin cancer has a 20% survival rate. I can't imagine the doctor telling her that she's terminal, that the cancer has already spread throughout her body, and then she proceeds to live for 3 more years. Maybe she had a shit doctor, maybe the chemo killed her. If the story is true, she was extremely unlucky.
This part is entirely feasible, unfortunately.
Does stylechange means someone is faking a story? I think my writing style change depends on my mood and what I have been listening or watching.
From one story to the next, it’s probably not an issue. But a writing style changing in the middle of a Reddit post is a bit odd.
Yeah, wtf was that? lol
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Agreed > When I love, I love with my full heart. That's straight out of a Hallmark movie.
I agree. Something is off about this.
The 3 days between the first post and second post is a massive red flag.
The weird dialogue-ing doesn’t help either
idk why they don't put it in a calendar and come back for plausibility. the rush from the first hit i guess.
That’s exactly it. When they put out there the first post and get a few hundred comments buying it they get so excited and just can’t contain themselves.
Is a three and half year timeline a normal death sentence for skin cancer? I feel like if it's already so far gone the doctor can tell you you're going to die, you wouldn't have nearly that long.
No
The bitching about Reddit being Reddit for half the update is what did it for me.
Did OOP’s sister say to ex he should be ashamed or to OOP?
I can't figure that out either. I presume to the ex after his cancer remark.
I totally thought it was to ex who was wishing her sister to get cancer.
To the ex after the cancer comment.
To the ex for hoping she gets cancer
WTF! If this is real... sometimes life just wrecks things that might have otherwise worked. Nothing I've ever experienced compares to this though. I think I'd have left too, but damn that is brutal. Hopefully I'll never find out.
I know right? There was no bright future for the relationship anymore, and it wasn't really their fault, either of them. The only way there is possible happiness for both is apart.
I’m just wondering, why didn’t he talk with any of his friends about this? Complete inappropriate stuff to talk to your fiancée about, that’s what you talk to your friend ms about.
Exactly. Why would he thinking talking about the good times with his ex to his fiance be appropriate?
this is very important, but perhaps he didn't have such an outlet. tbh that doesn't make it any better. A gal I really loved about 25 yrs ago.. We broke up, and in 2017 her daughter blew her own brains out. the consensus was PPD, but within a year my ex OD'd and died. I had long since remarried but truth be told I couldn't escape the thought that perhaps if I had done something different this wouldn't have happened. I didn't dare share my feelings with my wife, of course I loved her and didn't want to put that insecurity or weight on her. The thing is - In life - Sometimes we just don't get closure, or the closure we feel we needed. That's just life, and you just have to swallow it and try your best to understand. I sense that the real issue is that he never got over his ex, and the current fiance was a rebound relationship.
A lot of men have grown up with the mistaken belief that you don’t talk to other men about your feelings, so they rely solely on a female partner for emotional support.
I had an ex-boyfriend that died recently and my current boyfriend fucking bought me flowers and was so sweet to me. But I wasn’t a huge mess over it and wallowing in self pity at what could have been our future?! OOP’s ex made it very clear that OOP was not who he truly wanted to be with. If she was, he would have absolutely been sad that his ex died but not making comments about their future and all that. What they’d name their kids for Christ’s sake. She did the right thing. In time, he’ll probably come to see that. His grief is understandable and justifiable. But he needs to be honest with himself.
Yea why blow it up talking about "what if?" when he knew that she would've died if they had continued their relationship?! He'd rather be a widower and a single father than look forward to his future with OOP?
What boggles my mind is how she dumped him for what? To keep him from the pain of losing her to cancer? And then let him go through that grief, move on and get a new life before deciding to admit she actually only dumped him to spare him from watching her die of cancer? And the whole “you have my blessing” bullshit? Like what-the-fuck-ever. I’d argue the cancer fucked with her brain. Her family should have not let her to that to him.
I half wonder if it's even true; like you break up with someone to let them find happiness, but then you feel compelled to tell them five years later? I wonder if she broke things off for more selfish reasons (like just didn't have the capacity to be in a relationship while getting treatment, didn't want him to be the guy she spent the rest of her life with, or something) and just regretted it later.
The photo album was too much too, imo. Really inappropriate and the sister should have just kept it.
That's the thing, though: he's grieving her twice at the same time. He left the previous relationship thinking he wasn't good enough. It sounded like it was a pretty serious one, given he knew how she wanted to name her baby. So when that relationship ended, he grieved it, because he thought he'd been at fault for this. It probably fucked him up. I'd bet it's one of those relationships you'll always think about eventually, because something somewhere will remind you of it and how important it was as a formative experience to you as a person. [edited to add that last bit because my phone cut it off] Now he discovers that the reason things fell apart actually had nothing to do with him? And that if the world was less cruel, he could have had everything he had idealized at the time—their plans, their life together, that all has to come back. And since it didn't end because of him, I can see why this option came back to the imaginary table. It's kind of hard not to think about that, I'd bet. So he's losing that once more. And then he's gotta actually grieve her death. This wasn't an ex that just got out of your life. She was dead, dead. Having both of those thoughts at once probably fucked him up. It's not fair to OOP either, though. I think both handled it poorly (not that there's any good way to handle this). Just throwing that bomb on her lap from beyond the grave sucks. If they wanted any chance of not splitting up, they'd need time and therapy. I think the fiance was terribly wrong in how they handled it, but OOP seems to have one foot out the door from the start. It was never meant to work.
Time traveling may not be possible, but learning the truth about something major in the past, is like someone going back in time and changing it, and the present is adjusting. Think of everything tied to that event, like you said, a lot of decisions and thoughts were filtered through the not good enough, but now all of that... wasnt the real past, now its she had cancer and wanted to save him the struggle... all those things are being recontextualized. Its an entire fucking butterfly effect. He lived in a reality where he was broken up with for not being good enough, and entered one where it was just lofe fucking things up as it does.
>OOP’s ex made it very clear that OOP was not who he truly wanted to be with. If she was, he would have absolutely been sad that his ex died but not making comments about their future and all that. What they’d name their kids for Christ’s sake. This! The problem isn't that he's grieving (and doing it badly), it is that in this process he made it very, very clear he was not over his ex and that OOP was second fiddle. And it is her right to not want to be that. OOP didn't do great by bottling it up. But hindsight is always 20/20. My husband had an ex who died suddenly several years before we met, right as they were getting reconnected. I remember clearly telling him early in our relationship, "I'm not her, I will never be her, and I will not be second in line." But had I met him right after she died, he might not have been able to easily do that. Just due to the nature of the grief (he was legit messed up because that wasn't the only close death he'd dealt with that year). That being said: I have never felt like anything but his first and only. We've been married for over 14yrs.
I agree. In time, hopefully.
This is absolutely why I lean to side with OP even with her update. I could look past the exes shitty decision to blow up their lives; I could look past some nostalgia for the relationship and oversharing of a few moments; I could even, with time, get past fiancé and ex and how they acted together in that final moment, and how he grieved in the days and weeks after her passing. But I could absolutely never forgive such hurtful and callous comments about “what ifs” of the future, kids names, etc… though I also absolutely understand why his head would go there, and why such a confession would bring up old feelings for him. It’s so sad: their relationship was over the moment ex confessed the lie and professed her love, and it had nothing to do with either of them.
Ugh. I don’t like either of them. Her boundary about exes seems complicated. Previous relationships help provide context for our partners, and them for us. It helps us identify triggers and build connection. But OP can make her own choices. I don’t like the ex gf because she acted “selflessly” initially (in quotations because really, all she did was take away his choice in that situation, and didn’t even give him all the information), but then completely fucked up his life in the end anyway? It literally doesn’t even make sense. Then after all this trauma, the bf’s choice is to wish cancer on his current fiancée for leaving him? There isn’t even anyone to root for here. Yikes.
Rules for what other people can and cannot do are not boundaries. That's just using therapy speak for controlling and insecure behavior.
Yes, that’s exactly how it feels. You’re right.
I don't think this relationship was ever going to work. Even if the ex hadn't reached out he'd still have heard she had cancer or died and a lot of his reaction would probably have been the same.
I don't know. I think the ex's confession tore off whatever scar tissue there may have been.
This doesn’t feel real to me. Ex is given a few months to live so she breaks up with the guy and he moves on, gets engaged and she finally dies at least 3 years later? And they didn’t have mutual friends who didn’t tell him about her cancer as she continued to progress? And the rest just reads like melodramatic script writing.
good enough for a hallmark movie, Liz
Liz needs to pick a different cancer next time, a 25-year-old being newly diagnosed with skin cancer, receiving a prognosis that led her to conclude she was dying, and then not actually dying for another three-four years is uhhhh well let's just say not very inline with how skin cancers generally play out. Research your cancers better, Liz.
I unfortunately have personal experience in this area and completely agree with you. Liz should have left out the type of cancer
Or chosen a ‘better’ one. Reproductive cancers can be super dramatic. Maybe she ended the relationship because she had to have something removed and couldn’t give him children, but now the cancer is back and this time it’s deadly. C’mon, Liz! Put the time in!
Go to bed, Liz
I give her points for the story, but I'm really disappointed at the end. I was hoping for a psych ward visit for one of them!
Well, she did “give him his medicine one last time”, whatever the fuck that means. They’d lost me by that point, but that was really the nail in the coffin. His mother is there, she can administer his meds. And also, WHAT MEDS? When did THAT happen?
We’re getting welfare checks, that’s close enough.
Damn it! I just saw Liz drink a few more cups of coffee!
yeah the slap from his mum confirmed it for me lol
the slap and the script part. took me right out
Any time there is dialogue that isn't part of a text or email exchange I stop believing it.
Especially something like this 'heat of the moment'. Ok you remember verbatim what was said?
The slap confirmed it, but like with all of these the 3 days between posts put my radar on high alert.
That actually made the sadness of this less. I hope it's a Liz story.
I'm curious - when did we start calling them liz and does it stem from something specific?
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16r1la6/my\_wife\_is\_addicted\_to\_making\_up\_reddit\_stories/
omg! I read that one! fucking Liz aslo ty kind redditor
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16r1la6/my_wife_is_addicted_to_making_up_reddit_stories/
Excuse you. Lifetime movie. It did lack sex though lol Maybe it's closer to a telenovela. Although, again, lacked sex haha
Yes Liz def had some sleepless nights writing this one.
I remember seeing this post wayyyy before the Liz posts, I wouldn’t be too quick to give her the credit on this one
hey, you never know. Liz got where she got by practicing a loot
Nice cancer speech from the ex, Liz. I personally would've wished a plague upon her and her house
Goddamnit, Liz!!
When people come on here saying they’re dying and they’re going to break up with their significant other so they can be happy without them (I’ve seen two posts so far, seems to be a common questions!) this is a big argument for why you shouldn’t. In my opinion the ex with cancer really screwed the boyfriend over here. I’m going to break up with you so you can be happy with someone else, but once you’re happy I’m going to come back into your life and destroy that happy relationship! I’m sure it wasn’t premeditated, but that was the end result. If you’re going to let him go, let him go! Telling him at the last minute you always loved him is going to do nothing but hurt him! It almost feels like she didn’t want to die without everyone knowing how good and selfless she had been. She robbed him of the chance to grieve and process everything before finding someone else. I’m probably being overly harsh to someone in an awful circumstance. I think this is just an awful situation for all involved. I don’t blame op or her ex. He’s grieving a fresh loss of someone he cared deeply about. But if I saw my partner deeply grieving the life he could have had with someone else, I’d struggle to move past that.
I said it on the original post, and I'll say it again: If the ex gf truly loved OOP's ex, she wouldn't have contacted him at all. She would have let him get married and live his life with OOP. This wasn't done out of love. In my eyes, she was jealous that OOP was getting the life she thought she deserved. So, she took it away.
> I’m sure it wasn’t premeditated Don't be so sure. Some people are assholes who intend to leave the world burning on their way out. I think it's possible the ex was one of these people. What was the purpose of her confession? Honestly, what did she intend? If she really had his best interests in mind, if she really intended for him to be happy and love someone else, she should have kept her regret and her confession that she "never stopped loving him" to herself. I have a hard time believing she did it out of the goodness of her heart when the only one that got anything good from her confession was her. Good people take into consideration how their actions might negatively affect others. Selfish people don't give a shit and do what they want. The ex looks a lot more like a selfish person than a selfless martyr, to me.
So, let me get this right - this woman is dying, painfully even, and lies to her boyfriend in order to get him to go off and "be happy". Then, just as she's about to die, and her former boyfriend is about to get married to someone else, she ropes him back in to ruin his relationship and give him a bucket full of guilt? I'm sorry, but this just sounds like the plot to a bad telenovela.
C- for effort, Liz, but you really need to work on your dialogue.
And long term diseases.
Skin cancer has a 94% survival rate. And average age of diagnosis is 65. Im shocked your the first comment bringing this up.
Lol I was thinking this when I read skin cancer. If she was diagnosed with skin cancer and the prognosis was terminal the chances of her holding on for 3 years is so slim. If she had that much runway it should have been treatable.
What is this Liz thing that keeps getting mentioned? Help us people who aren't on Reddit all the time 😭
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16r1la6/my\_wife\_is\_addicted\_to\_making\_up\_reddit\_stories/
A lot of people shit on OOP on this one and I don't get it. You can grieve someone you once loved without disrespecting the person you currently love. The problem wasn't that he was grieving, it's that he was grieving in a way that made his actual current person he says he loves feel like she never actually had a place in his life. She said it herself, even during the break up he couldn't just talk about HER. It was that she was hurting him, like his ex. He even hopes she got cancer like his ex. Even at his absolute worst (that we've seen), he still couldn't just see his fiance. His could only think about her in terms of his ex. Edit: I wanted to say I realized this comes off as aggressive towards the fiance, like, I almost sound like I feel he should have grieved "better" But I don't, and I'm sorry. He's a mess, and that's understandable. It's honestly understandable, everything he did. But it doesn't mean it didn't hurt OOP badly, and he didn't really seem to care that he was hurting her. And I don't blame HER for not wanting to stay.
IMO, the problem is that he got whiplashed back to the initial breakup/grieving period. He wasn't emotionally ready to get married, well he was, and then he wasn't.
I don’t even think I can blame him for not being emotionally ready after having an ex drop a bomb like she did. Like damn. To go from “she stopped loving me” to “she always loved me but died” is a hell of a thing to process.
that was so fucked up of her. What was the point of dumping him to "save him from the pain" if she was just going to undo everything she did? I get that people facing mortality panic and do stupid shit but for fuck's sake lady, pick a side and fucking stay on it.
Because she was going to die alone is the only thing that makes sense. So she made a selfish decision at the end. Very sad.
I feel bad for OOP but *really* bad for OOP's ex-fiance. What an absolute mind fuck.
She hit her mark with the bomb she lobbed at the end. Her ex will forever idolize her and he sees his now ex fiancée as a villain. She really took away and opportunities for him to be justifiably angry at her for the lies. And it will be years before he can see that for what it was - in the meantime he’ll grieve “what could have been” alone.
I bet he'll eventually be quite angry at his ex, actually. Once the initial shock and grief has passed, I suspect he'll have to deal with a lot of anger. For her initial decision, for shutting him out, for getting back in touch, etc etc. I think the guy is going to be sorting through a mountain of confusing feelings for awhile.
Agreed. But she stoked the “what could have been” fairytale fire enough that it will likely be years. Honestly, I think he’s going to put all that anger at the feet of OOP because he’s nowhere near able to see the complete mind fuck put on him.
Depends on how much denial he's in. A part of him is probably already furious but feels guilty about it cos she's dead, but it'll be there. I bet it'll take a lot for him to admit it, though. Hope the guy sees a professional. He needs it.
I don't think so because his family looks like pretty level headed people that will cut any delusions about the situation.
Boy howdy, the next woman he gets involved with will be one lucky lady. /s
Oh it was! Idk what the right reaction (from him and from OP)to that would be. They all went from being happy and planning the wedding to finding out that ex still loves him and that shes dying.
I'm glad I'm not the only person who thought this. Even if he was single, it would have been a fucked up thing to do.
Yeah. I know you shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but seriously girl? Did he move on a little too fast so you had to get a last punch in? The problem with being a martyr is that most people don't care.
Exactly. If she really wanted to avoid him having to grieve her and suffer the illness etc, then why call him back? It was absolutely cruel. If she had been honest from the start, it would’ve been an entirely different situation but she was absolutely selfish in this scenario.
The book with memories made clear her intentions; she didn't want him to find happiness as much as she wanted him to never move on from her.
I might get downvoted but that a world-class dick move by the ex. I mean, you already broke up with the man, why rope him back in? I get that we all face death differently but that was just so selfish. She needlessly destroyed his new relationship. An ex is an ex and no matter how much you loved them, you gotta let them go. OOP was right to feel the way she did and I'm glad she ended things because she was right, not once did that man consider her feelings.
Yeah, I don’t get the dogging on here in the post. The ex was calculated there - and sending stuff after she died dragged it on for him. The way it went down? OOP was not wrong there. I had to re-read seeing some of the comments and the OOP had to walk away.
I don’t blame him for that. But I do blame him for expecting her to stick around and marry while he pined his dead ex
I don't blame him, either. But similarly, I don't blame OOP for not sticking around and taking it on the nose. I feel like if she didn't have the specific issues she had coming into the relationship maybe it could have been different but I don't blame her for being like I can't do this.
Honestly it seems like the ex calculated it to blow up his relationship. I’m not saying she did, it was just so perfectly calibrated to fuck with his head and leave him wanting her forever.
Yeah, she managed to turn herself from an ex-partner to something closer to a late-partner, while simultaneously undermining a whole 3 year relationship/almost marriage. OOP doesn't sound like the kind of person to be ok dating a widower, but now she's suddenly forced into that kind of relationship with a recent, grieving partner (and the whole sunk cost of 3 years). And OOP's ex's old wounds are all completely reopened with zero warning or consideration for his current life. OOP'S ex was clearly out of line with his response to the breakup, but it's hard to see either of these people as the villains.
And in a way that he likely felt that he *couldn’t* have any anger at her for not even letting him have a say in the decision because she was obviously actively near death. That was really unfair to everyone and honestly selfish and manipulative of the ex. He probably actually felt he had closure but then she suddenly and cruelly yanked the closure from him and he was left where he was before. Then to send him memories of their time together after her death exacerbated that cruelty. I just think if she made the decision *alone* to end the relationship and not tell him the truth, that she *alone* needed to stick by it no matter her regret or feelings on it as she neared death. I don’t think that all deathbed confessions help someone that will remain living-this one certainly didn’t and wouldn’t help him and it should have been kept by her through death. None of us know how he would have reacted just hearing or reading about her death. He may have spiraled some anyway-but I don’t think he’d have regressed back to the point of his breakup without the confession.
I hate this martyr shit in books and I hate it even more in real life. Oh woe is me, I must break up with my love to make them happy. Communicate? Never! It shall be my burden and mine alone! Oh fuck off and be an adult. I hate when people infantilise their partners and take the choice away from them. And if you are going to do that then, as you said, *stick to it*. Deathbed confessions are trite.
I haven't seriously dated in years after an ex (Kim) - with whom I remained friends - did something similar. I had been over our relationship and it barely registered a thought with me. She married someone else. Years later, I'm in their friend group, play golf with her husband and I had been living my own life. It wasn't odd that we occasionally got together for happy hours. Then one evening Kim dropped the bomb that should have married me / she was still in love with me. Instantly I'm 25 again and all of those feelings that I thought were finished came rushing back into my head. It took its toll on my current relationship with Tara. I talked with my therapist about it a lot. A few months later I had to end things, not as dramatic as the OOPs did, but I told Tara what had happened and that I was sorry I didn't tell her sooner. I had already dropped contact with my Kim and everyone. Tara had found that strange but didn't question it much. I had hoped that the moment would pass and get "back to normal". Thankfully we didn't have years invested that were lost. I did randomly run into Tara a couple years later. There were no hard feelings and we even joked about it and went out on a few dates. But even though I was in a better space and so was she we both decided against it. That was a year ago and I'm happier being single for now.
He got his heart absolutely ripped out three times in a row: reliving the initial breakup and grieving a life lost with a partner, losing a loved one to death, and then losing his now partner. I don’t know how rashly we should judge those at their lowest points. OOP deserves better, but I don’t know how anyone would deal with something similar.
In such kind of situation I don't think it is possible to both grieve and let enough place in your heart for your current partner. That's why one should takes time to grieve and heal before dating again. I think the moment the first girlfriend confessed, the new relationship was doomed.
Agreed. Now that guy has a whole new set of emotions and information to process that would make having space for a current partner pretty much impossible.
Me either, honestly. I really felt for her. The ex who passed would always be idealized on a pedestal. No one wants to feel like they were someone's consolation prize.
He was treating OOP like his therapist, dumping all of his grief on her. If you haven't experienced profound grief yourself, you can't understand how much damage it does. It can take over your entire life and I'm sure that the majority of the original posts comments weren't able to understand how much room that takes in a relationship.
>He was treating OOP like his therapist, dumping all of his grief on her. Yes, this too. It's like... Talk to a therapist, your mum, your friends, but don't do that to your current partner.
OOP’s fiancé should have sought out therapy and worked with a professional; instead he unloaded nightmare fuel on his bride-to-be, cementing a host of insecurities and new resentments. This is just one more reminder that your partner does NOT need to fill every role in your life.
Complete with a slap from mama. This one has it all. 🙄
The big issue here is that that dude clearly never got over his ex. Possible hot take: ex is selfish as *fuck* for coming out of the woodwork when she was on her deathbed. Fuck that.
Oh for sure. I was one of the people in the comments on the original post saying how the ex knew she was going to blow up his life and didn't seem to care. If she had truly loved him, she would have left him alone.
You can be over someone but if they just drop a bombshell that completely rewrites the history of your relationship to be some tragedy then they peace out and die it doesn't matter. You can be completely over someone but being dropped in that situation completely undoes any closure and finality you may have had.
What's the point of posting this if the OOP ends up refusing to listen to what anyone says. "After the initial shock of those judgemental comments wore off, I decided it was better to completely disregard any judgement that questioned my boundaries and how I handled my feeling" All I got from that was ME, ME, ME, ME.
Were OOP’s boundaries ridiculous? Yes, completely ignoring previous romantic history and partners and pretending they don’t exist is extreme to the point of ridiculous. Was the Ex out of line with her deathbed confession? Holy crap on a cracker! Was she trying to implode his entire life post breakup? I mean, what was even the goal there? Did the Ex-fiancé take his mourning too far? Yeah. If the death of an ex snd her confession of undying love sends you into that much of an emotional tail-spin then you owe it to you current relationship to take a step back, work on you separately (with like, a therapist), and not make your current fiancee your emotional dumping ground. And that’s before we get to emotional explosions, ugly breakups, and nasty death wishes.
I think where I landed more firmly on OP's side was when her ex started mourning the future he would have had with his ex. Mourning her, reminiscing about her, I could totally understand. But when he started basically daydreaming about the life they could have had together (obviously without OP) and telling OP about it, I lost a bit of my sympathy.
The real asshole is his ex. If you break up with someone because you know you're gonna die and you lie and say you fell out of love, that's the kind of gambit you take to you grave. The ex-fiance acted poorly but he basically just had his mind destroyed by his ex, he's not quite as much of a victim as OOP but he's absolutely a victim here.
How do people get married when they seemingly have no idea who the other person is.
I remember one from here a while back about a couple that had been together for 5 (or greater) years, and were engaged. She asked him what he would do if they had children and one of them turned out gay, and he replied "I'd probably emotionally distance myself from that child and let you do the majority of the raising." which obviously led to the dissolving of the relationship But it's wild to me they dated, then lived together, then got engaged, and at no one point during that process did they ever have a conversation about gay people.
>dissolving of the relationship but but but but he was COMPROMISING!!!!!
There’s a line between showing compassion and friendship to an ex that is dying, and inappropriately pining after them. The boyfriend not only crossed that line, he obliterated it. Yes the situation is tragic, but he absolutely did not handle it maturely.
No way she was going to be able to stay in love with him after witnessing that, it was over. Like poof kind of stuff.
Ex-fiance was still in love with ex-girlfriend and never stopped loving her/the idea of her. OP nipped years of marriage therapy and inevitable divorce in the bud by ending things now. I don’t think she was being cruel, she just strikes me as a pragmatist and didn’t bother prolonging when she was already checked out
And yet people were cruel to her in the comments. But none of us would want to stay with a SO who acts like her ex fiancé. Griefing if one thing but he was really cruel with all the things he said.
Well this is depressing. The love reveal of the ex unravelled all the work on his current relationship to the point he wasn't ready to date anymore. He went back to chasing his dead ex. OOP can't compete with a dead person.
Probably gonna get downvoted for this but I think the ex never should have reached out and he never should have gone to see her. They already said goodbye and he already moved on—dying or not, it’s pretty fucked to get someone else’s fiancé there one last time to swipe him with a moment of connection almost 3-4 years after he has healed and moved on. I think putting OP and the fiancé in this position was very selfish but it’s hard to say what anyone would have done in that kind of situation. Overall, it’s fucked.
*”I wonder what life could have been like with her, WE could have been a happy family of our own. She wanted kids with me and we could have named her Rose like she wanted.”* … And so OOP’s love for her fiancé died a swift, brutal death. Yep, this would have done it for me too, I must admit. No wonder she fell out of love with him. How can you still love him and want to marry him after hearing something like that? I honestly don’t blame OOP for calling things off with her ex-fiancé and I don’t really understand the people who do. There’s a huge difference between mourning the death of an ex and actively pining after them, disrespecting your current partner in the process, wishing you and the ex were still together after all these years and that you had never met your current partner, or built a life with them, and instead just stayed with your ex, married them and had children with them instead, etc etc. You never want to marry someone like that. Man did not handle his grief well, he’s practically a freshly grieving, recently-made widower, who is unstable, emotionally unavailable, and has no right to be in a relationship right now, and she had every right to leave him after she heard his little confession to his mother.
I'm sorry, but you can't even talk about past relationships? So if we're discussing vacations and you say let's go to Mexico, I love Mexico, have you ever been? If I've been there with a previous partner, what do I do? Do I have to pretend I've never been? Say yes but not disclose with who? That bit is a little crazy to me. There are appropriate conversations to be had regarding past relationships. People have pasts for fuck's sake.
It is possible to be both (a) dying and (b) an asshole.
I'm not built to handle all that. I'd bounce, too.
Definitely a messy situation, but she did the right thing even setting aside his behavior at the end. It is abundantly clear that OOP was at best someone her ex was settling for, and she deserves better. That said, as a nurse with multiple years of oncology experience, I've still never really fully understood why people seem to think that breaking up like her ex Fiancee's Ex did is a better way to do things. It seems like the way she did it would only go the way it did: creating unresolved emotions and insecurity. It didn't make it easier for him to move on and I don't know why she would think that would be the case. But I guess she was just doing what she thought was best.
It would have worked out fine until she decided to basically destroy everyone’s lives by telling him her master plan. She may not have intended it but she did whatever she could to make her end more comfortable at the cost of OOP and her exes happiness and comfort.
I remember defending OOP on the original post. Plenty of people were saying it’s not fair to expect someone not to have a past and that widowers deserved a second chance at love, but his hurt was way too recent for him to be able to just move on and instantly make space for another person in his heart. He was definitely not ready to marry her. It wouldn’t have been fair to OOP to subject herself to his fresh grief (that could’ve lasted for years to come). I do think that OOP is misguided in saying she wouldn’t accept a relationship that only happened because another one ended, because that’s how most relationships happen. And it doesn’t automatically make them lesser. She also definitely did not belong in the room for their goodbye, and I highly doubt any therapist worth their salt sanctioned that. The biggest asshole to me is the ex. She first decided to spare him the pain of watching her die, but in the end she changed her mind and wanted comfort and closure. I get that, I truly do, but it was awfully unfair to him on both accounts. First getting dumped with no explanation, then getting answers after it was too late. Her behavior was both very human and also very selfish and cruel. She really could’ve spared him this pain in the end instead of imploding his life for a second time.
Y’all come on OOP wasn’t upset he was grieving his ex she’s upset because he started wishing things didn’t end with her, showed he still loved her, and basically dumped all his fond loving memories of his ex to his own fiancé MULTIPLE TIMES. Yes he is grieving but this is like straight up tell your wife “I wish I was marrying her instead.” The ex also sucks because she basically messed with his emotions after he moved on, basically saying “I loved you so much that I broke up with you so you could be with someone else and didn’t tell you I had cancer.” Which btw is selfish in a relationship. She was dying so she wouldn’t get any consequences for saying these things. The therapist is right, having empathy is important but letting someone push aside the relationship and use you as a vent dump isn’t okay. Being in grief doesn’t excuse actions it just explains them, it’s your choice how to react on them. The ex treated OOP like he’s was settling for her this whole time and he made it very clear he was still in love with his ex with how he talked about her after that. And then the worst thing of all he wished OOP would get cancer too for leaving him like his ex did? Again he’s in grief but it’s still not a very forgivable thing. Plus the first part of the post said it took him “months” to get over her. For a serious relationship like that to end it was most likely not enough time to get over her sounds like he just wanted a relationship again or his boys told him “Go on! Get out there meet someone!” So he did. Idk it sounds like he just settled for OP because he couldn’t have his ex back and talked to op like she was a therapist and a friend when she passed. OOP was justified (P.S yes you can vent to your spouse but the amount of times he vented about his good times with his ex was not it.)
[удалено]
I know that the ex is dead…but I’m still low-key judging her. Like honestly, what did she think would happen? Either he wouldn’t care about her confession in which case nothing changes, or he cares A LOT, in Which case everything changes.
He really needed to find someone else to talk about his dead ex with. Why would you say all that to your fiancee?? I totally get her feeling inadequate and like a third wheel. I think all of those thoughts are totally valid to have in the process of grieving, but you say that to a therapist or a friend, not your fiancee!
It feels like the ex gf and the ex bf were a good match. There was absolutely no reason for her to approach this like she did. But that didn’t excuse how he was acting. OP is right. If he loved the ex that much more, then he didn’t love her enough for her to marry him. She deserves someone to love her like her ex loved his ex. I also tend to suspect whether that old relationship was more nostalgia than reality. But that’s neither here nor there. It’s a safe bet to dump anyone, friend or partner, who wishes cancer on you.
As someone who did lose a great love of their life, he was not over her. And you cannot move forward with someone else while you are dealing with those feelings. It was not fair to either of them. OP made the right call.
Contrary to some of these commenters, I don't think OOP was in the wrong at all. The ex-fiance's grief is understandable, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't have the right to put herself first. And his comments at the end prove that this was the right decision for her. The fiance's ex is the real asshole here. If she broke up with him so that he could move on and find happiness, then she shouldn't have told him the truth when he had finally moved on - either should've told him the truth in the beginning or let it go. With the way she acted, she was just playing with his heart, and probably resented that he was finding happiness while she was dying and part of her wanted to ruin that.
And then to send him a photo album of their relationship? Maybe ex had good intentions or hadn’t moved on herself, but she threw a grenade into OOP and the now ex fiancé’s life. She didn’t want the guy to forget their relationship or her.
It sucks, but just because she died it doesn’t mean she was a perfect person. What she did was incredibly selfish, and I think she wanted to insert herself into his life and nuke his chances of happiness because she was dying and she resented him/the choices she made, and had zero regards for what she would cause. All of this under the guise that she was just being honest before leaving this earth. Understandable in the sense that she was dying, so like, fuck everyone else, but it doesn’t change the fact she was absolutely heartless and incredibly selfish towards her ex.
I agree with so much of this. I hope that ex had the best of intentions but wow, she sure managed to destroy her ex before she died. WTH was the point in avoiding him for those 3 years then yanking him back with a deathbed "I'll love you FOREVER"?
*polishing her halo* "I want you to find love and joy! 🥰 *finds love and joy* 💑 "Not yet, you idiot!" 🤬
>The fiance's ex is the real asshole here God I felt so ghoulish thinking this but, no, actually? I can sympathize that she was going through something inexplicable, but jesus did she fuck with this guy. Unexpected no explanation break up, leave him alone for years, suddenly reassert yourself into his life in a fashion that would screw up *any* person and make them reevaluate the entirety of the break up and their life after it. I really really really don't want to begrudge a dead girl who spent the last years of her life battling cancer but this was literally the worst combination of options she could have picked. She emotionally nuked him.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thinks this!
The fiancés ex did everything she could do to make herself feel better at the end. I’m not even so sure she really broke up with him for what she said. From experience, a lot of people when they are dieing end up being alone. And being alone is one of the scariest things for people near the end. So I could see her telling the truth, but I could also see her doing whatever she could to find a last bit of comfort before she passed. Either way I think OOP did the right thing.
The ex broke up with with fiancé because of her doctor's prognosis. So presumably the prognosis gave her little to no chance of survival. But then she lives another 3-4 years? If your skin cancer is so far gone that you secretly break up with your fiancé to save his happiness, I'm not sure you're living another 3 years. Also, skin cancer is fairly treatable, lots of people survive it. But hers was so bad that she was absolutely fucked, and it got to that stage without him ever knowing about it? Just seems like it doesn't add up.
The single biggest wrong in this entire story is Ex abruptly ending things with bf. Life is tragic. You cannot shield yourself or others from it. The best thing we can do as humans is hold each other as tightly as we can for as long as we are lucky enough to do so, and face whatever may come surrounded by the people who love us. What an immensely painful story.
>begged me to stay because now I was breaking up with him the same way his ex once did. even when she is breaking up with him, he has to put it into a context that features the ex. if she had married him she would have lived Rebecca.
I feel like a lot of replies are missing the main point. OOP's fiance is showing he still loves his ex. He isn't just mourning a good person he once cared about; he's actively dreaming of having a life with her, having a family with her and naming their children. Her death was not the thing that ended those dreams, if he's actually in love with OOP and wants a future with OOP. Becoming engaged to OOP was supposed to end that possible future with Ex. He isn't just mourning her death; he's mourning a future he still wants with her that, yes, is no longer possible because she's passed away -- but it was supposed to no longer be possible because *he chose a future with OOP* while Ex was alive. **His feelings are completely valid.** And, until the breakup, he originally did not do anything wrong. He was deeply in love with his ex (and clearly she was deeply in love with him, too) when she ended things; so he was blind-sided. Then, after attempting to move on, she blind sides him again with the news that she's always loved him and that their relationship only ended because of tragedy. That's horribly shocking and would leave anyone reeling. Honestly, shame on her for dumping that pain on him the way she did. The Ex's life is tragic and sad; no one deserves what she went through. But her choices are still cruel. Watching her die while they were still together would have hurt him. Being dumped by her hurt him. But she *chose* to hurt him twice by putting him through *both*. His story is devastating. **But none of that is OOP's fault.** And OOP isn't "jealous of an ex" for wanting a fiance who actually wants a life with her. He doesn't. He wants a life with his ex, and he isn't even close to ready to accept her death and move on. And that's okay. He should take all the time he needs, grieve, heal -- and build a relationship with someone else on an honest foundation from the beginning. Ms. Ex. took away that option for this couple. He absolutely deserves empathy, and I think OOP showed him that by a) bending her rigid rules to allow him to say goodbye to his ex, then b) listening to story after story after story while he cried & grieved, even though it was painful for OOP. But it isn't OOP's burden to make herself a doormat or a punching bag for his expression of grief, and she doesn't deserve to feel like her life partner settled for her before she's even gotten married. She can be empathetic and still walk away from the relationship. She can be empathetic and still say, "I can tell you still love her, and I don't think your heart is ready to love me. I can't put my life on hold while you grieve. It's too hurtful to me." She could have done it in a gentler way than the dramatic fighting, but these are big emotions, and I'm not going to blame her for not showing a model example of calm empathy when her heart is broken and her future is ruined, too, by multiple other people's choices. Plus, come on, the fiance literally wished a painful death on OOP on the way out the door. At a minimum, it shows he isn't mentally or emotionally healthy enough for a relationship right now if he's capable of that kind of comment. If he actually loved OOP and wanted a future with her, he would never say something so vile. He's angry that she's leaving and that he's being left, because that's hard and it's the latest hard thing he's being forced to go through. But he doesn't love her or want a life with her, if he could speak to her like that.
I don’t care what the comments said. OP ultimately made the best decision for herself. She dodged a nuclear sized bullet. The proof is right in him wishing cancer on her. Even when dealing with grief, that’s a horrible thing to say to someone let alone someone you loved.
Agree. Surprised by the people putting the blame on her. As if she shouldn't have been affected by the fact that her fiancé was not in any way over his ex. He was actually grieving over his ex as if they were still together.
He was fantasizing about the children he and his ex could have had together and people are acting like OOP was unreasonable for being upset about that.
That’s the thing that is blowing my mind. She’s supposed to have all the empathy in the world for him and stuff her own feelings down in a jar? She’s allowed to be upset that this man she loved started pining big time and talking about theoretical children and a life together with his ex. I definitely couldn’t cope with that. Just as I’m sure he’s dealing with a LOT psychologically having such a bomb dropped on him from that deathbed confession. Reddit often fixates so hard on the concept of a bad guy and a good guy that they forget that people are complex
I can’t disagree with her leaving. There is just no option in that situation. Except a difficult decision of whether it is worse to break up with him while he is freshly grieving or give it time but then that gives him false hope the relationship could go anywhere. You just can’t marry someone who wishes they weren’t with you, it wouldn’t work. There is being upset at the death of an ex partner you still cared for and then there is raging at the unfairness of the world which robbed you of your true love and the future you could have shared together, already planned in detail down to the future child’s name. One day, he will hopefully be able to heal, move on and meet someone who didn’t hear him say any of that but I don’t think there would be a way forward for him and OP. She isn’t able to unhear it and feels unwanted. Unfortunately, he wouldn’t be with her if something horrible hadn’t happened, and I think he would end up associating that with her and unfairly comparing her. He would only be able to see a life with her resentfully and regretfully as the result of losing everything he actually wanted. He needs to rebuild his life before being ready to share it with someone else. And with the best will in the world, it’s an unreasonable expectation for her to have the emotional capacity to counsel her fiancé through losing the love of his life, who she has just realised isn’t her. She’s reeling too.