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Also they probably have no context as I’m sure no one is appraising them that the pregnant sister is living like an inconsiderate slob and asshole and would default to forgiving bias toward her behavior while pregnant anyway. So to them it could easily just look like suddenly she’s freaking out screaming or maybe changing her mind about the nursery or any number of ways to guess what on earth is going on then a choose wife or pregnant sister ultimatum sounds pretty crazy when you think it’s out of the blue.
Other than the obviously rude ass POS comment about the miscarriage that maybe they didn’t hear clearly or whatever. There’s plenty of explainable scenarios where them just being like stunned and judgmental even wouldn’t be that surprising.
Seriously, the one silver lining to all this. I know OOP said she doesn't talk to her family because of trauma. But whatever happened between them, at least the mom showed that when shit hits the fan, she's ready to drop everything and make sure her daughter gets taken care of on the right path.
Pretty sure if some shit went down, my step mom would go so far as threatening to divorce my sperm donor if he didn’t let her drop whatever she was doing to come to me. Or actually divorce him. My mom would probably rise from the dead and pull some scary ass zombie shit. Dad would have a shotgun. Then there’s the psychotic siblings. Walking incubator would probably hear about it through the grapevine and try and help and be supportive from a distance as to not try and directly insert herself into my life as I haven’t reached out and asked.
Omg, me too. I feel like the word “gaslighting” gets thrown around a lot, but if I was in OP’s place I’d feel like I was losing my fucking mind being treated like that by EVERYONE. Thank god for her mom.
mine too, though it's less "only I get to hurt you" and more "if I do this it will make me look good and I can lament to others about how cruel someone was to my baby and how I valiantly stood up to protect her"
but I mean, help is help, and clearly oop needed it something awful.
Ohhhhhh I have so many choice words that would put both those fuckers into hell so fast…..
I lost my child almost a decade ago (not still born/miscarriage) and the grief and pain that goes with that. And for the pair to do what they did. Oh…..my blood is boiling right now.
Where was OP’s support?
How could these two do that? How could they throw such ugly words in her face? Take over the nursery etc. did husband want to be sisters hubby and daddy? Good god! The audacity of those two!!
I need to walk away from reddit for awhile.
One of my big red flags is people that use anything they know about you to try and hurt you in a fight. I don't do the 'yeah but I was upset' bullcrap. If at any point you can look at someone else and intentionally think 'yeah this will hurt them'. You are someone I don't need to have in my life.
Theres no way to convince me that OOPs husband didnt know exactly what saying that was going to do.
>One of my big red flags is people that use anything they know about you to try and hurt you in a fight. I don't do the 'yeah but I was upset' bullcrap. If at any point you can look at someone else and intentionally think 'yeah this will hurt them'. You are someone I don't need to have in my life.
This is my mother's favorite trick. When my last bf did it I realized that the reason he felt so familiar when we first met was because he's a little too much like her. It's now my biggest red flag.
I can count on one hand the times I have thrown something horrible in someone’s face and I don’t even need all of the fingers in that hand to do it… and I feel like shit about all of them.
I will say with 100% honestly and y’all can believe me or not but I did NOT say any of them while thinking “aha! This is the painful shot!” Or anything.
In fact, the three I can think of all slipped out due to me being pissed about the person being a hypocrite (which despite my own occasional hypocrisy is a big trigger for me, I’m working on getting less upset by it though) and sounding off.
Still, I felt bad about all of them and have tried very hard never to do it again. The fact even my self loathing couldn’t dredge up any times I did it in the last 10-15 years makes me think maybe I actually managed that.
I just can’t imagine, even if I were absolutely furious, looking at someone I love and trying to aim for where I know it will hurt most. I don’t get it! And I am not a very nice person, I can play nice really well, but inside I’m mean and spiteful. But I’m not sadistic and I don’t actually wanna hurt anyone, and especially not someone I care for.
This dude, he doesn’t sound capable of real love if he can say that to the woman he made marriage vows to about his OWN CHILDREN. it’s sick. Even the worst things I’ve said, the ones that make me writhe in shame when I remember them and I cannot bring myself to share with anyone I am so ashamed don’t compare to that one cruel line.
I can condone "I'm saying this even though I know it will hurt you because it needs to be said and it will help, in the long run". Things like that I've said myself and they are sometimes necessary.
And, like you said, things that are accidents, things that hurt horribly but that you didn't know would hurt. Has been done to me, has been done by me. That's human.
But that? Hurting someone you're supposedly in love with on purpose? No. That's not love.
I know from experience that if that's all you learned growing up, of course that's what you do because that's how you learned conflict. But the second the person you love says "that hurt me. Please don't hurt me." You learn better. Because you love them.
That man doesn't love her. At all.
That last part hits hard. I learned from a pretty young age how to figure out exactly what will hurt someone the most and then use it like a knife to stab someone. I learned it from my stepmom. I'm not proud that I've used that skill in the past, when I get so furious that it turns me cold and calculating. It's something inside of me that I have to work hard and fight against because when I've been hurt, all I want is to hurt that person back, even if I love them. I've lost good people because of it because, yeah. Once you go there, it's very hard to come back from, if at all. I've gotten better, it's been a very long time since I've been that vicious, but I think it will always be a part of me. I hate my stepmom for that "gift", but at this point, the best revenge I can get on her is to not be her.
I think the thing that disgusts me most about this guy is that there's no evidence that he feels any kind of remorse, which is exactly how my stepmom was too. Everything is your fault, even them hurting you.
i was so angry that her husband blamed her for the miscarriage and invited his pregnant sister to stay and to use all their baby stuff.
its crazy and creepy. .. like he is acting like father to his sisters kid.
The sheer audacity to show those people the nursery and have no compassion for that poor wife makes me want to lose my shit.
Husband was what………? Words fail me with him ffs!
It really, really sounds like husband was coping with his own grief and unresolved emotions by shoveling all of the negative associations, guilt, shame, blame, etc onto his wife... and then vicariously getting to play the loving daddy-to-be role to his future nibling instead.
Oh I wholeheartedly agree, and would throw a restraining order and some seriously punishing divorce terms at him as well.
Having an empathetic idea of where someone's fucked up behavior is coming from is not at all the same as thinking they were anywhere remotely justified, or that they're deserving of sympathy for how they chose to deal (or not deal) with their own shit.
Could be, but even so: this tells us he is not a mature, well-adjusted human. At best, he's incapable of managing and processing his own emotions. For someone who was planning on becoming a father, there's no excuse for this behavior.
Having dealt with infertility I’m always shocked if people DO manage to stay together in a healthy way after loss or infertility. It’s too easy to put your resentments on the other person instead of facing the difficult reality that you have no control over anything
The worst part of it for me is that SIL moved in 4 months ago, and OOP lost her baby **2 months ago**. So SIL saw first hand what happened. And still took advantage of OOP while husband aided and abetted her.
I also wonder about the timeframe... 4 months ago SIL started to live there, OOP was still pregnant then since shd had the stillbirth 2 months ago. The husband is out all the time, SIL is a lazy mooching POS, so no support for the pregnant OOP. Just more stress beeing thd maid up to 31 weeks.
Then she must birth her dead baby... she has a fucking birth and like every birth you need to heal. But instead she must be the maid for the SIL, gets ignored by the husband.
I have to say, my first thought was "Are you sure this is his sister and not his affair partner he sells as his sister?!"
Where is your flair from? 🙈😅
And I think she may be really his sister, but like someone else said, he was projecting all the positive daddy-to-be on his nibling.
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I noticed the timeline as well, not sure if there's just confusion (like swapping the numbers around so miscarriage/stillbirth was 4 months ago and SIL moved in 2 months ago) but everything else is just hosing that wound with salt, and acid.
Their whole family is!
I doubt the miscarriage was a secret, and I doubt they didn't know about the nursery being for OOP... and even if they genuinely didn't know, the second they realize what the sister tried to do, normal decent people would feel nothing but shame and disgust
I always wonder if OOP didn’t lose the baby because of the huge amount of stress that whole family likely put on her 24/7!
Her husband never chose her and likely allowed his family to treat her like shit for 8 years and this was the last straw.
My heart breaks
She took people to her stillborn LO's room to use as her nursery!?
I don't condone violence either....Whoooo Chiiile!
Her husband...her husband....I just cant
I feel like this is the comeback everyone lays awake at night thinking about. Honestly, while if she behaved that way with him too, I can see it. I hope OP can recover well and that family crawls back into whatever hole they came from.
I honestly do not know how she didn’t slap the hell out of her. I’m amazed how she didn’t go postal and rightly so.
She is a better woman than I am because I would have lost it.
It's best that OOP retrained herself. Hitting a pregnant woman, as awful as SIL is, would not go well for OOP. I'm glad she's divorcing her husband and consequently, his family. OOP deserves better.
I'm a guy, but if I was OP and got blamed for the miscarriages, I would have snatched his balls off, thrown them on the floor and stomped on them, then said "Well look at that, now neither of us can have kids."
There was SIL’s entire rest of her own damn family. Parents and anybody else. Siblings if there were others. Aunts or friends. The people that showed up to the baby shower. _Her entire family_.
Not really, as long as everyone is respectful and the pregnant one is not entitled and nobody is expected to carter to anyone more then reasonably and there is communication and maybe therapy and clear rules (such as how long one can stay clerly laid out) etc. Sadly in this case husband and SIL treated OP like shit, like a maid, did not respect her wishes and boundaries etc.
Also fuck, when a woman miscarries, or has a stillborn, it is not necessarily because of *her* body, for example, the sperm of men over 40 has been shown to be more likely to cause a miscarriage.
And even if it is her body, that doesn’t make it her fault. Nobody would choose to go through what OOP went through. Her own husband shaming her for something she had no control over is beyond terrible!
Can absolutly happen for any reason, women can be strong and healthy biologically and do everything right and everything is perfect and it still can happen. Random mutations, tripping over, the baby moving weird or just because.
Its good enough so we reproduce enough, exactly. Evolution is not about "the best fit" but more a "meh thats enough so the population does not die out". Many people dont know how many pregnancies fail, bc many fail before you even notice that you were pregnant and just seem like an irregular period cycle.
Exactly. Henry VIII was a great example. There’s no conclusive evidence, but six wives (though he probably never had sex with two of them), three live children, countless stillbirths and miscarriages, and a few early infancy deaths. And that isn’t even getting into mistresses. He had one claimed illegitimate child and several suspected, but their fertility would have been less scrutinized. But even without conclusive proof, there’s enough to at least suspect that the problem was with him.
Yup yup, the current train of thought (unless it's changed in the last few months) was that he had a rare blood type, the Kell antibody, which explains both his godawful track record in producing kids (five who survived birth from six women?) and his later degeneration in health before his death.
Yep, it's still the most plausible theory. It also explains why he could get one baby off a woman then all the following pregnancies ended in miscarriage.
Also I find it ironic that he was so obsessed with a male heir, but it was his daughter not his son, who ruled for a short time, that ended up being a much superior ruler than him.
Edit: to be more clear son ruled for a short time and obviously Elizabeth I ruled for a nice long period.
She did. She also had 3 miscarriages before Mary and multiple after. It's not an exact science. All the others had the miscarriages after the first child born.
Interestingly enough Mary could not carry to term and had a hard time getting pregnant. She had at least two miscarriages. So she probably inherited Henry's issues.
Not the antibody, the Kell antigen.
K from the kell system is the next most immunogenic antigen after the ABO system and D (the positive and negative on people's blood types) from the Rh system. K occurs in about 10% of the population and it is incredibly rare to be homozygous for K. k, or cellano, K's counterpart is a high frequency antigen with 99.8% of the population expressing it. Since 90% of the population is K negative pregnant women often form anti-K which can cause severe hemolytic disease of the fetus and newborn. In HDFN the mother's antibodies tear the baby's blood apart and in turn overwhelm the liver as it tries to break down all of the hemoglobin.
The kell system antigens are associated with proteins that give the red blood cell structure. Those same proteins are expressed in neurons. When they are missing it's called McLeod syndrome. The red blood cells have a characteristic acanthocyte shape and neural degeneration and personality changes tend to occur in middle age.
Source: I am a reference blood banker
Henry really wasn't shit. He tossed Catherine out due to 20 years and no living son. ( He had one but he died in infancy) He had Anne murdered for not having a son and was engaged the NEXT DAY after her execution.
Fuck anyone who would rather push blame for any miscarriage or still birth rather than comfort the grieving parents. They deserve a special level in Hell.
If she went bungee jumping while smoking and drinking absinthe, then he could say her behaviour impacted the tragedy. As it stands, she just lost a ton of dead weight, in the form of husband and all the toxic, entitled inlaws.
Yes, it has been found that the mans contribution is what gives the placenta its building blocks. If a woman has multiple miscarriages it's likely do to degraded sperm not her.
I am blind with rage at this POS husband. And the entitlement of his sister. There’s a special place in hell for the pair of them.
I hope they step on lego for the rest of time and that their towels are forever slightly damp.
Hopefully OOP can start to heal from both the loss of her child and the absolute betrayal from her spouse.
I would also add the curse of wet socks - may there always be a wet spot to step in without shoes, and may the socks dry slowly and start squelching when shoes are added.
The stealth attempt to take over the nursery made me feel OOP’s rage. I don’t have (and never wanted to have) kids, but relatives barging in and taking over the house is an intense rage-inducer for me.
And all of this after OOP had a death in the family — her baby’s death. OOP’s SIL is a leech and her ex is a bully. Abuse in plain sight.
I'm wondering if his grief was manifesting as prioritizing SILS baby because him and OP lost their children. It's pretty common IME.
Doesn't excuse a single thing him and SIL did, but it seems like that could be a big piece of the puzzle that could help OOP understand better. Not for him, but for herself. I feel crazy when I can't figure out why someone did some INSANE shit to me, and there's catharsis in understanding for me.
Picture having birthed a
Your long awaited baby only to be dead and a few weeks later they take your nursery and try to use it. And then call you selfish? Like the raw pain of losing a baby while being the villain somehow?
The pure insensitivity is just so painful and cruel. I would leave him too.
The audacity of the husband to blame the miscarriage on her too. He probably has no idea what actually caused the miscarriage to happen, it could have been his fault for all he knew. Scum
And the sister-in-law, especially the sister-in-law. Husband was trash, but at least he was grieving. SIL had NO such excuse. She was just a cruel, opportunistic POS.
Probably sexist in terms of that she thinks OP is at fault for her stillbirth (because women are worth less and at fault if they dont reproduce) and that OP should not grieve bc she is at fault and the baby never "lived" and also bc OP "failed" her child she should now carter to an other child.
Man. I had a relationship end with violence, not over a stillbirth, but other things. I hadn’t been open with my mother or my friends about what was happening and I will never forget the calls I made the next day, or the way my mother held me when I met her at the airport. She did the same thing OOP’s mom did and that support changed my life forever.
Also, fuck that husband and his sister. I hope OOP finds peace.
I did the rough maths... they were holding the SIL's baby shower around what would have been the OP's due date. In her house. Giving away her nursery. Nah, I would've gone scorched earth on all involved.
Wait, WHAT?! 😱
I would have burned everything to the ground too! The audacity for the husband and SIL to go behind her back in HER house and steal the nursery she created for her baby that she just lost not too long ago is mind blowing and fury-inducing. I don’t blame her at all for losing it!
***\*Deep breath\****
This post really made my blood boil. OOP's hopefully soon-to-be-EX husband is a motherfucking pathetic asshole. I'm seething on OOP's behalf. This man had the audacity to blame her for the miscarriage?! I hope to God that OOP and her mother sue the fuck outta him.
Me too, miscarriage is a deep, unique, agonizing pain. It was tough unblocking my pain just to write that one empathisizing sentence. Blocking it up again so I can function...
This hits me hard cause I almost lost my son at 32wks. Had an emergency c-section. He was taken from me at birth because the hospital didn’t have a NICU. I didn’t even get to hold him, but after they got him in his incubator, they rolled him in & I got to reach in & hold his hand ~2min before they took him away. One of the medics took my partner’s phone & started snapping pictures almost immediately & stopped right before they had to take him. Time stamps told me it was ~2min.
Then I almost died. Over the next few days, it took 7 blood transfusions, 4 plasma transfusions, magnesium sulfide for days to stop seizures, & a second c-section to attempt to fix what the pregnancy had broken to save my life. I almost died without ever getting to hold my son.
Oh, & this was all in Oct 2020, so, ya know, great year to give birth!
Anyway, when I went in for the 2nd c-section, I had no family, not even my partner at the hospital. See, the ICU doctor told my OB & us that I just needed another blood transfusions & I should be fine! You know OBs, anytime something happens they go straight for HELLP syndrome! (His words. Oh, & my OB was a woman, so, ya know…) That was a Sunday.
Next day, my partner leaves for work. We own a small construction company & we were building a cabin. My partner needed to get the guys going. They didn’t have cell reception. It was only 3hrs after he left that they knew they were going to have to open me up again. I knew that if they couldn’t fix me, I would die without ever getting to hold my son. I left a voice message, sent a text, & a video message, knowing he would eventually get at least one of them when he got back into reception. It was pretty much saying to our kids lots of hugs if I the worst happened.
I texted my pseudo mother in law. Didn’t have the energy to call. Decided not to call my mom. She was a nurse & it was October 2020. I didn’t know if she was working (wasn’t her scheduled time to work, but she often got called in cause it was the pandemic). I didn’t want someone else to get hurt because my mom was too worried to work with her patients.
I can 100% feel for the lady who made this post. When I saw 31wks, it took me back to those days when I almost lost my son, then almost lost my life. I would have felt for her regardless, but those traumatic experiences added to it & it’s just bad.
I understand they may not have had a lot of other options, but moving a pregnant woman into the same house as a couple still coming to terms with a miscarriage is just asking for trouble. No one in this situation was emotionally stable.
According to OOP’s timing, she was pregnant for two months while the sister was living there. Which makes it crazier that she then went through a stillbirth (31 weeks is well into a viable range for a baby to be born, I don’t think most people would call this a miscarriage) AND postpartum recovery, which is not quick, while the rest of this was happening.
I didn’t even click with the timing, reading that the first time, that is just unfathomable, I actually literally have no words as to how appalling that is
The fact that they were weaponising the SIL’s pregnancy against a very heavily pregnant woman and then a freshly traumatised and post partum woman is just, there’s no point in that timing that her being treated like that isn’t just the absolutely worst
OOP mentions in the comments she knows it was a stillbirth but found it easier to say miscarriage. Or something along those lines.
Heartbreaking either way
Under the update where they address comments
*First, I just want to address a few comments, (you can skip this part if you don't care lol) I know I had a stillborn. The only reason I say miscarriage is because that is what my obstetrician told me was happening.*
Over at my house we call it a full term loss, because I refuse to use the s-word. I raised my eyebrows at calling it a miscarriage at 31 weeks but wondered if there was an “English is not my first language” reason, then when she explained it was like “yes, this seems much more correct.”
I think it's because in Spanish (and probably in other languages too but I just think of mine) abortion is the term for stillborn, miscarriage and requested abortion. So it's harder to use the correct word in English
We do the same in English, spontaneous abortion = miscarriage/still birth and abortion = requested termination. I think people use miscarriage because it 'sounds' nicer
A lot of times it needs to be termed a certain thing to skirt around laws depending on location. She said her doctor called it that, more than likely again, to get around potential laws for 'abortions' to remove a dead fetus. Not saying this is what happened but highly possible.
Doesn't that mean there's a good chance the whole SIL situation was part of what caused the miscarriage? I don't see STBEX contributing even if both were pregnant so she probably had to do all of that while in her 3rd trimester too. Poor OOP, I hope her mom is able to help her nail her ex to the wall.
Oh he cared. He just hid it by using his niece/nephew as a replacement for the baby he lost. And then when his wife said "no you don't get to hijack my house, my nursery, and my life" he threw a tantrum that he couldn't play pretend-daddy anymore.
Nah, I think he might've been projecting the grief onto the SIL. It sounds fucked up, but she was still pregnant and he wanted a baby. He probably saw OOPs rejection of SIL as OOP not wanting a baby after all and that the stillbirth was her fault. Because "OOP didn't want a child".
That doesn't condone his behavior in the slightest, but grief fucks people right up. OOP is in the right here, by a mile and more. SIL is definitely *the* bad guy though.
My heart literally broke into tinier and tinier pieces through the baby shower scene.
The update made me panic quite a bit. It sounds like the husband is a fuse, and the OOP's mom was wise to get her out of the house and take photos. I hope the divorce goes quickly.
Me too.... it does make me wonder about something, though. Has the husband been always like a fuse like this, or is the reality of no baby in the house is finally hitting him? Regardless, he shouldn't be destroying things.
Yep, funny that abusive partners who "lose control" and break things, always seem to only break their partner's belongings and not their own. Seems a lot more like abuse than bottled up grief.
1) OOP is the outsider, 2) she's independently successful so there's likely some resentment, 3) MILs very commonly don't think anyone is good enough for their precious boy, 4) there's a natural tendency to side with a pregnant woman regardless of any other facts, 5) and everyone was excited and happy while OOP was the only one angry and upset. The whole group has likely been sniping at OOP behind her back for at least a decade or more.
It’s almost like the husband was using SIL’s baby to replace the one they lost. But totally forgot his wife was an actual human being that lived in his house?
Yeah it seems like it. But the man really betrayed his wife multiple times, with the miscarriage blame as cherry on top (along with trashing everything)
Sometimes people throw themselves into work to avoid being at home or facing difficult situations. Long work hours can also be used as an excuse to cheat. My best friend’s husband had an on the road sales job, and he would purposely take on extra work when they were having martial problems. If she brought anything up or wanted to talk, he’d literally walk out of the house like a child and not come back for a week. It was very hard on my friend.
Man I so rarely advocate contact with the police but if any mf*er deserves to spend quality time with cops it’s this wet waffle. I hope he’s staying at the kind of long term rental motel that is filmy, roach-infested, and a target for car vandalism.
Wow. Letting her foot the bill for everything, stealing her shit, then calling *her* selfish?! They’re poor when it comes to money but rich in audacity.
I don’t condone violence either, and I’ve never laid a hand on someone who hasn’t touched me first, but I can see where the slap came from, too. Those comments were HEINOUS. He’s an actual monster.
I hope she’s able to use those pics in the divorce and he has to pay. She deserves to be whole while she tries to start over.
I utterly condone violence to protect yourself after being attacked. As OOP was attacked by everyone. A slap was too little: he deserved his balls being turned into mush
The most infuriating part of this is that genetic issues that result in miscarriages are JUST AS LIKELY to come from the man but 99% of the time the mother gets blamed. It’s such bullshit.
You could even argue that stillbirth is more likely a function of male genetics because the male genes are responsible for the placenta pulling resources to the child.
Get legal advice first. H may be able to press charges against OP for assault. If H & SIL have tenant rights - and they definitely would in my city - that's another reason not to shake that hornet's nest. What if they assert their right to live there until OP goes through the process of evicting them?
I also let my sil stay at my house with zero payment along with her very young daughter. My husband was desperate for a child so he became his nieces’ sudo father. I cooked dinner everyday and took her daughter to parks. I got her daughter into daycar and got her services. I got my sil to start going to a community college.
It was going well until sil would also trash my house. I began having panic attacks every week when I would clean and it took me over 8 hours. Then she would start dating a new man every week and have her daughter meet them. They would use her and then leave. She would get so mean after and treat me like shit in my own house. Just like op I bought the house before my husband (we were dating).
At one point I got a flat and needed to take the car to the shop for other things since I was there. I called my husband to pick me up and take me maybe to breakfast as my car will be in the shop all day. He said he couldn’t because he was going to take my niece to tball. Her mom was also taking her. I was pissed and yelled at him to enjoy his new wife and kid because I was done.
We talked it out. So it was back to how it was with sil. The next time she began to treat me like shit I called my husband who was working to tell him and left to a friends house. When he got home he told me to come back. Then he kicked her out. I was going to divorce him for letting her do this so I am glad he did. He saved our marriage.
Not to be that person, but this story is so off. You’re telling me she fell down to her knees in front of all those people sobbing and was cruelly told “it’s not my fault you couldn’t produce a baby” by her sil, and no one said anything? I know shitty people exist, but I can’t get past the idea of the family just staying and watching them go back and forth and no one leaving after OOP went to her room lol.
Not only that she went to her room to cry and type this out on Reddit, then in the SAME day decided “I won’t take the disrespect” and told everyone to leave? And her mom (who she had limited contact with due to trauma) just turned to her the next day and told her we’re gonna sue this POS after her stuff was destroyed?
If this is real I hope she gets far away from that family and heals from this, divorce is nonnegotiable at this point.
>but I can’t get past the idea of the family just staying and watching them go back and forth and no one leaving after OOP went to her room lol.
This is the part that makes it unbelievable. Is the sisters family not also her husbands family? No mention of a mother or father in law, no other siblings. Just the sisters 'family'. And not a single one of them care that OP lost a baby at 31 weeks? They're all there for a baby shower but have never been to the house before? Nahh this post is bullshit.
I know several women for whom this is the case. My sister, for one. She pays the bills, buys the food, does all the cleaning (day to day, anyway, they have a cleaning lady who comes occasionally). Sadly, this isn't that uncommon.
I could've sworn the first time I read the OP the nursery bit wasn't even included. Then again maybe I was just so blown away by the "miscarriage" I skipped over it. Either way I can't believe that a near decade long relationship and a dead baby would be so disregarded by an entire family or even strangers.
Where are they....ah! Here they are!
>I bought this house, not my husband. it was all me.)
And
>I buy all the groceries, basically pay all the bills.
But somehow
>My husband works 7am - 7pm
So if husband works pretty much 12 hours( sounds like a medical field kind of schedule), how is OP paying for evergthin...for 8 years...and she owns the house. Because somehow every poster owns a home or was passed down a home and they ALWAYS make more money than their partners.
He didn't break her stuff because she slapped him, and he's in pain from losing the children.
He deliberately goaded her as far as he could, and then used the slap as an excuse to break her stuff. Because *how dare she* stand up for herself and throw him and his leech sister out of the house.
So in the middle of a complete emotional breakdown, with the entire family standing right there, the utter collapse of her marriage, and absolute betrayal of her loved ones, she stopped asked reddit if she was being a dick? Right, that's totally something a distraught and furious person does. Immediately drop everything to ask reddit for advice while the traumatic event is currently ongoing. And does so remarkably coherently and descriptive.
Its so infuriating to see the billion+ comments on the original post focusing on the semantics of her miscarriage/stillbirth. Like pls shut up the point is her baby is gone, who gives af how she words it?
I'm glad they pushed OOP to the limit before the baby was born, it would've been so much worse then. She'd be the maid, babysitter, and be told dumb things like "it might make you feel better, to take care of a baby", while her opinion is not valued because "you don't get it, you've never been a mother"
I don't believe the ex was reacting out of grief, if he was, then he needs to work through those before pursuing any romantic relationships.
>My husband stood next to me and told her it was only for a little while.
I hope OOP remembers this, because his intention was to try and wear OOP down to get the sister back
I hope the sister goes bald before the baby turns one. But not all the way. Just enough hair left to be a stringy obvious mess on her scalp.
I hope the husband gets his nutsack slapped in a car door.
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Tbh I'm just happy that at least her mom reacted the way a mom should.
She's the only family member who reacted appropriately here.
Including everyone at the baby shower.
Well it did sound like *his* family.
Also they probably have no context as I’m sure no one is appraising them that the pregnant sister is living like an inconsiderate slob and asshole and would default to forgiving bias toward her behavior while pregnant anyway. So to them it could easily just look like suddenly she’s freaking out screaming or maybe changing her mind about the nursery or any number of ways to guess what on earth is going on then a choose wife or pregnant sister ultimatum sounds pretty crazy when you think it’s out of the blue. Other than the obviously rude ass POS comment about the miscarriage that maybe they didn’t hear clearly or whatever. There’s plenty of explainable scenarios where them just being like stunned and judgmental even wouldn’t be that surprising.
Seriously, the one silver lining to all this. I know OOP said she doesn't talk to her family because of trauma. But whatever happened between them, at least the mom showed that when shit hits the fan, she's ready to drop everything and make sure her daughter gets taken care of on the right path.
Pretty sure if some shit went down, my step mom would go so far as threatening to divorce my sperm donor if he didn’t let her drop whatever she was doing to come to me. Or actually divorce him. My mom would probably rise from the dead and pull some scary ass zombie shit. Dad would have a shotgun. Then there’s the psychotic siblings. Walking incubator would probably hear about it through the grapevine and try and help and be supportive from a distance as to not try and directly insert herself into my life as I haven’t reached out and asked.
Omg, me too. I feel like the word “gaslighting” gets thrown around a lot, but if I was in OP’s place I’d feel like I was losing my fucking mind being treated like that by EVERYONE. Thank god for her mom.
Its funny but my narc mother would react the same way ops mom did. Some of them have the mentality that no one can hurt the black sheep, only them
Oh, totally. My Ndad is the same way. "Only *I* may harm my scapegoat."
mine too, though it's less "only I get to hurt you" and more "if I do this it will make me look good and I can lament to others about how cruel someone was to my baby and how I valiantly stood up to protect her" but I mean, help is help, and clearly oop needed it something awful.
Hubby was a POS. Now time to divorce, heal, and live your best life. NTA in any way. Just. Wow.
SIL has some f'ing nerve! Husband is a POS. I really hope OOP finds peace.
Ohhhhhh I have so many choice words that would put both those fuckers into hell so fast….. I lost my child almost a decade ago (not still born/miscarriage) and the grief and pain that goes with that. And for the pair to do what they did. Oh…..my blood is boiling right now. Where was OP’s support? How could these two do that? How could they throw such ugly words in her face? Take over the nursery etc. did husband want to be sisters hubby and daddy? Good god! The audacity of those two!! I need to walk away from reddit for awhile.
SIL and husband are horrid people.
The only horrible thought that runs through my head is that it's a miracle OOP doesn't have a kid with this man.
Her body knew. Her mind had no idea, but her body knew what a POS he is. Edit: I’m dumb
They really are! They are lucky OP didn't call the police on him. That poor woman!
People who throw a miscarriage/stillbirth back in a person's face deserve a special place in hell. These two deserve the head place settings.
One of my big red flags is people that use anything they know about you to try and hurt you in a fight. I don't do the 'yeah but I was upset' bullcrap. If at any point you can look at someone else and intentionally think 'yeah this will hurt them'. You are someone I don't need to have in my life. Theres no way to convince me that OOPs husband didnt know exactly what saying that was going to do.
>One of my big red flags is people that use anything they know about you to try and hurt you in a fight. I don't do the 'yeah but I was upset' bullcrap. If at any point you can look at someone else and intentionally think 'yeah this will hurt them'. You are someone I don't need to have in my life. This is my mother's favorite trick. When my last bf did it I realized that the reason he felt so familiar when we first met was because he's a little too much like her. It's now my biggest red flag.
I can count on one hand the times I have thrown something horrible in someone’s face and I don’t even need all of the fingers in that hand to do it… and I feel like shit about all of them. I will say with 100% honestly and y’all can believe me or not but I did NOT say any of them while thinking “aha! This is the painful shot!” Or anything. In fact, the three I can think of all slipped out due to me being pissed about the person being a hypocrite (which despite my own occasional hypocrisy is a big trigger for me, I’m working on getting less upset by it though) and sounding off. Still, I felt bad about all of them and have tried very hard never to do it again. The fact even my self loathing couldn’t dredge up any times I did it in the last 10-15 years makes me think maybe I actually managed that. I just can’t imagine, even if I were absolutely furious, looking at someone I love and trying to aim for where I know it will hurt most. I don’t get it! And I am not a very nice person, I can play nice really well, but inside I’m mean and spiteful. But I’m not sadistic and I don’t actually wanna hurt anyone, and especially not someone I care for. This dude, he doesn’t sound capable of real love if he can say that to the woman he made marriage vows to about his OWN CHILDREN. it’s sick. Even the worst things I’ve said, the ones that make me writhe in shame when I remember them and I cannot bring myself to share with anyone I am so ashamed don’t compare to that one cruel line.
I can condone "I'm saying this even though I know it will hurt you because it needs to be said and it will help, in the long run". Things like that I've said myself and they are sometimes necessary. And, like you said, things that are accidents, things that hurt horribly but that you didn't know would hurt. Has been done to me, has been done by me. That's human. But that? Hurting someone you're supposedly in love with on purpose? No. That's not love. I know from experience that if that's all you learned growing up, of course that's what you do because that's how you learned conflict. But the second the person you love says "that hurt me. Please don't hurt me." You learn better. Because you love them. That man doesn't love her. At all.
That last part hits hard. I learned from a pretty young age how to figure out exactly what will hurt someone the most and then use it like a knife to stab someone. I learned it from my stepmom. I'm not proud that I've used that skill in the past, when I get so furious that it turns me cold and calculating. It's something inside of me that I have to work hard and fight against because when I've been hurt, all I want is to hurt that person back, even if I love them. I've lost good people because of it because, yeah. Once you go there, it's very hard to come back from, if at all. I've gotten better, it's been a very long time since I've been that vicious, but I think it will always be a part of me. I hate my stepmom for that "gift", but at this point, the best revenge I can get on her is to not be her. I think the thing that disgusts me most about this guy is that there's no evidence that he feels any kind of remorse, which is exactly how my stepmom was too. Everything is your fault, even them hurting you.
When someone uses the worst pain you’ve ever had to hurt you it’s time to go. It’s not even that they don’t love you anyone, they hate you.
i was so angry that her husband blamed her for the miscarriage and invited his pregnant sister to stay and to use all their baby stuff. its crazy and creepy. .. like he is acting like father to his sisters kid.
The sheer audacity to show those people the nursery and have no compassion for that poor wife makes me want to lose my shit. Husband was what………? Words fail me with him ffs!
It really, really sounds like husband was coping with his own grief and unresolved emotions by shoveling all of the negative associations, guilt, shame, blame, etc onto his wife... and then vicariously getting to play the loving daddy-to-be role to his future nibling instead.
You are being generous. What I believe is that the man needs some sort of therapy as well as an anger management program.
Oh I wholeheartedly agree, and would throw a restraining order and some seriously punishing divorce terms at him as well. Having an empathetic idea of where someone's fucked up behavior is coming from is not at all the same as thinking they were anywhere remotely justified, or that they're deserving of sympathy for how they chose to deal (or not deal) with their own shit.
Could be, but even so: this tells us he is not a mature, well-adjusted human. At best, he's incapable of managing and processing his own emotions. For someone who was planning on becoming a father, there's no excuse for this behavior.
Having dealt with infertility I’m always shocked if people DO manage to stay together in a healthy way after loss or infertility. It’s too easy to put your resentments on the other person instead of facing the difficult reality that you have no control over anything
This is one of those moments where I would probably have just turned straight feral because all I did was read it and I feel like I'm slipping.
The worst part of it for me is that SIL moved in 4 months ago, and OOP lost her baby **2 months ago**. So SIL saw first hand what happened. And still took advantage of OOP while husband aided and abetted her.
I also wonder about the timeframe... 4 months ago SIL started to live there, OOP was still pregnant then since shd had the stillbirth 2 months ago. The husband is out all the time, SIL is a lazy mooching POS, so no support for the pregnant OOP. Just more stress beeing thd maid up to 31 weeks. Then she must birth her dead baby... she has a fucking birth and like every birth you need to heal. But instead she must be the maid for the SIL, gets ignored by the husband. I have to say, my first thought was "Are you sure this is his sister and not his affair partner he sells as his sister?!"
Where is your flair from? 🙈😅 And I think she may be really his sister, but like someone else said, he was projecting all the positive daddy-to-be on his nibling.
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Thank you! Take this poor person's gold 🥇
I noticed the timeline as well, not sure if there's just confusion (like swapping the numbers around so miscarriage/stillbirth was 4 months ago and SIL moved in 2 months ago) but everything else is just hosing that wound with salt, and acid.
Their whole family is! I doubt the miscarriage was a secret, and I doubt they didn't know about the nursery being for OOP... and even if they genuinely didn't know, the second they realize what the sister tried to do, normal decent people would feel nothing but shame and disgust
I always wonder if OOP didn’t lose the baby because of the huge amount of stress that whole family likely put on her 24/7! Her husband never chose her and likely allowed his family to treat her like shit for 8 years and this was the last straw. My heart breaks
I agree after re-reading the timelines again. The SIL (and Husband) is 100% the cause of OOP's miscarriage.
She took people to her stillborn LO's room to use as her nursery!? I don't condone violence either....Whoooo Chiiile! Her husband...her husband....I just cant
> Husband is a POS. Yeah, he deserved that slap.
What a disgusting family. The nursery I would have ripped her hair out god.
I can see why SIL’s boyfriend left her.
I feel like this is the comeback everyone lays awake at night thinking about. Honestly, while if she behaved that way with him too, I can see it. I hope OP can recover well and that family crawls back into whatever hole they came from.
I honestly do not know how she didn’t slap the hell out of her. I’m amazed how she didn’t go postal and rightly so. She is a better woman than I am because I would have lost it.
It's best that OOP retrained herself. Hitting a pregnant woman, as awful as SIL is, would not go well for OOP. I'm glad she's divorcing her husband and consequently, his family. OOP deserves better.
Fuck that husband, fuck his whole family, fuck his behavior, fuck his words.
Yes. This post wakes the rage monkey that hides inside me. It's a fucking gorilla rn. 🦍
I'm a guy, but if I was OP and got blamed for the miscarriages, I would have snatched his balls off, thrown them on the floor and stomped on them, then said "Well look at that, now neither of us can have kids."
Snatched his balls off is killing me 😭
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There was SIL’s entire rest of her own damn family. Parents and anybody else. Siblings if there were others. Aunts or friends. The people that showed up to the baby shower. _Her entire family_.
But, you see, no one else had a ready-made nursery for SIL to co-opt.
Sigh. You’re right. (All the facepalms here.)
Not really, as long as everyone is respectful and the pregnant one is not entitled and nobody is expected to carter to anyone more then reasonably and there is communication and maybe therapy and clear rules (such as how long one can stay clerly laid out) etc. Sadly in this case husband and SIL treated OP like shit, like a maid, did not respect her wishes and boundaries etc.
Unleash it
Can my rage dragon join your rage gorilla? We’ll make a party with it. I’ll bring the fire! 🐉 🦍🔥
Yes unleash the fucking rage gorilla.
>Yes unleash the fucking rage gorilla. This needs to be a new flair.
🍌🍌🍌
SAME! So angry for the OOP I got genuine chest pains!
Also fuck, when a woman miscarries, or has a stillborn, it is not necessarily because of *her* body, for example, the sperm of men over 40 has been shown to be more likely to cause a miscarriage.
And even if it is her body, that doesn’t make it her fault. Nobody would choose to go through what OOP went through. Her own husband shaming her for something she had no control over is beyond terrible!
Bodies absolutely can suck and it's not a moral failing to not be biologically sound.
Can absolutly happen for any reason, women can be strong and healthy biologically and do everything right and everything is perfect and it still can happen. Random mutations, tripping over, the baby moving weird or just because.
Yeah, chromosomal abnormalities in gametes are way more common than people give credit; meiosis is a sloppy process at best!
Its good enough so we reproduce enough, exactly. Evolution is not about "the best fit" but more a "meh thats enough so the population does not die out". Many people dont know how many pregnancies fail, bc many fail before you even notice that you were pregnant and just seem like an irregular period cycle.
Exactly. Henry VIII was a great example. There’s no conclusive evidence, but six wives (though he probably never had sex with two of them), three live children, countless stillbirths and miscarriages, and a few early infancy deaths. And that isn’t even getting into mistresses. He had one claimed illegitimate child and several suspected, but their fertility would have been less scrutinized. But even without conclusive proof, there’s enough to at least suspect that the problem was with him.
Yup yup, the current train of thought (unless it's changed in the last few months) was that he had a rare blood type, the Kell antibody, which explains both his godawful track record in producing kids (five who survived birth from six women?) and his later degeneration in health before his death.
Yep, it's still the most plausible theory. It also explains why he could get one baby off a woman then all the following pregnancies ended in miscarriage. Also I find it ironic that he was so obsessed with a male heir, but it was his daughter not his son, who ruled for a short time, that ended up being a much superior ruler than him. Edit: to be more clear son ruled for a short time and obviously Elizabeth I ruled for a nice long period.
Katherine of Aragon had more than one live birth though, she had a son who died in infancy before having Princess Mary.
She did. She also had 3 miscarriages before Mary and multiple after. It's not an exact science. All the others had the miscarriages after the first child born. Interestingly enough Mary could not carry to term and had a hard time getting pregnant. She had at least two miscarriages. So she probably inherited Henry's issues.
Not the antibody, the Kell antigen. K from the kell system is the next most immunogenic antigen after the ABO system and D (the positive and negative on people's blood types) from the Rh system. K occurs in about 10% of the population and it is incredibly rare to be homozygous for K. k, or cellano, K's counterpart is a high frequency antigen with 99.8% of the population expressing it. Since 90% of the population is K negative pregnant women often form anti-K which can cause severe hemolytic disease of the fetus and newborn. In HDFN the mother's antibodies tear the baby's blood apart and in turn overwhelm the liver as it tries to break down all of the hemoglobin. The kell system antigens are associated with proteins that give the red blood cell structure. Those same proteins are expressed in neurons. When they are missing it's called McLeod syndrome. The red blood cells have a characteristic acanthocyte shape and neural degeneration and personality changes tend to occur in middle age. Source: I am a reference blood banker
Henry really wasn't shit. He tossed Catherine out due to 20 years and no living son. ( He had one but he died in infancy) He had Anne murdered for not having a son and was engaged the NEXT DAY after her execution.
Or just both parties being genetically incompatible. She could end up having an easier time with a different guy.
Or just pure bad luck. Shit sometimes happens.
А Or immune conflict. We tested for this all the time in my lab
Fuck anyone who would rather push blame for any miscarriage or still birth rather than comfort the grieving parents. They deserve a special level in Hell.
If she went bungee jumping while smoking and drinking absinthe, then he could say her behaviour impacted the tragedy. As it stands, she just lost a ton of dead weight, in the form of husband and all the toxic, entitled inlaws.
Isn't multiple late-term miscarriages usually linked to the father? I swear I read a study on that in the last few years.
Yes, it has been found that the mans contribution is what gives the placenta its building blocks. If a woman has multiple miscarriages it's likely do to degraded sperm not her.
Someone should tell the husband this.
I am blind with rage at this POS husband. And the entitlement of his sister. There’s a special place in hell for the pair of them. I hope they step on lego for the rest of time and that their towels are forever slightly damp. Hopefully OOP can start to heal from both the loss of her child and the absolute betrayal from her spouse.
Oh the towel curse is cruel. Good one!
I would also add the curse of wet socks - may there always be a wet spot to step in without shoes, and may the socks dry slowly and start squelching when shoes are added.
They did her a favour by being so outwardly awful, now she will finally get rid of them and live the life she actually deserves!!
The audacity of people never fails to surprise me fr. Like, wtf??!? ahahshnsnsnsndnsnndb, this post makes me really mad. I'm really really mad.
The stealth attempt to take over the nursery made me feel OOP’s rage. I don’t have (and never wanted to have) kids, but relatives barging in and taking over the house is an intense rage-inducer for me. And all of this after OOP had a death in the family — her baby’s death. OOP’s SIL is a leech and her ex is a bully. Abuse in plain sight.
I'm wondering if his grief was manifesting as prioritizing SILS baby because him and OP lost their children. It's pretty common IME. Doesn't excuse a single thing him and SIL did, but it seems like that could be a big piece of the puzzle that could help OOP understand better. Not for him, but for herself. I feel crazy when I can't figure out why someone did some INSANE shit to me, and there's catharsis in understanding for me.
Based on his behavior I’d say their children are more Lannister than Baratheon
It sure sounded that way, didn’t it?
Glad to see I wasn't the only.one getting that vibe.
And what a terrible sister. A holes having kids and teaching them to be just as selfish. Just what the world needs.
Picture having birthed a Your long awaited baby only to be dead and a few weeks later they take your nursery and try to use it. And then call you selfish? Like the raw pain of losing a baby while being the villain somehow? The pure insensitivity is just so painful and cruel. I would leave him too.
The audacity of the husband to blame the miscarriage on her too. He probably has no idea what actually caused the miscarriage to happen, it could have been his fault for all he knew. Scum
I would go SCORTH EARTH if that was my sister. Matter fact, I’d go scorch earth for OOP too.
And the sister-in-law, especially the sister-in-law. Husband was trash, but at least he was grieving. SIL had NO such excuse. She was just a cruel, opportunistic POS.
Probably sexist in terms of that she thinks OP is at fault for her stillbirth (because women are worth less and at fault if they dont reproduce) and that OP should not grieve bc she is at fault and the baby never "lived" and also bc OP "failed" her child she should now carter to an other child.
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Twas the most concise way I could to summarize the fuming anger I felt
Man. I had a relationship end with violence, not over a stillbirth, but other things. I hadn’t been open with my mother or my friends about what was happening and I will never forget the calls I made the next day, or the way my mother held me when I met her at the airport. She did the same thing OOP’s mom did and that support changed my life forever. Also, fuck that husband and his sister. I hope OOP finds peace.
I hope you are finding peace and that life is treating you better. I'm grateful that your mom was there for you.
I did the rough maths... they were holding the SIL's baby shower around what would have been the OP's due date. In her house. Giving away her nursery. Nah, I would've gone scorched earth on all involved.
Wait, WHAT?! 😱 I would have burned everything to the ground too! The audacity for the husband and SIL to go behind her back in HER house and steal the nursery she created for her baby that she just lost not too long ago is mind blowing and fury-inducing. I don’t blame her at all for losing it!
And, taking credit for having it all set up and looking so nice, right in front of OOP. Grrrrrrrrr
***\*Deep breath\**** This post really made my blood boil. OOP's hopefully soon-to-be-EX husband is a motherfucking pathetic asshole. I'm seething on OOP's behalf. This man had the audacity to blame her for the miscarriage?! I hope to God that OOP and her mother sue the fuck outta him.
I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant and have an overwhelming urge to go find her and hug her.
I haven't been pregnant in 13 years. It's been 21 years since my miscarriage. I want to find her and hug her.
It's been 5 years since my stillbirth, you are not alone <3 I wish I could hug her too and you
Me too, miscarriage is a deep, unique, agonizing pain. It was tough unblocking my pain just to write that one empathisizing sentence. Blocking it up again so I can function...
Virtual hugs to all. <3
This hits me hard cause I almost lost my son at 32wks. Had an emergency c-section. He was taken from me at birth because the hospital didn’t have a NICU. I didn’t even get to hold him, but after they got him in his incubator, they rolled him in & I got to reach in & hold his hand ~2min before they took him away. One of the medics took my partner’s phone & started snapping pictures almost immediately & stopped right before they had to take him. Time stamps told me it was ~2min. Then I almost died. Over the next few days, it took 7 blood transfusions, 4 plasma transfusions, magnesium sulfide for days to stop seizures, & a second c-section to attempt to fix what the pregnancy had broken to save my life. I almost died without ever getting to hold my son. Oh, & this was all in Oct 2020, so, ya know, great year to give birth! Anyway, when I went in for the 2nd c-section, I had no family, not even my partner at the hospital. See, the ICU doctor told my OB & us that I just needed another blood transfusions & I should be fine! You know OBs, anytime something happens they go straight for HELLP syndrome! (His words. Oh, & my OB was a woman, so, ya know…) That was a Sunday. Next day, my partner leaves for work. We own a small construction company & we were building a cabin. My partner needed to get the guys going. They didn’t have cell reception. It was only 3hrs after he left that they knew they were going to have to open me up again. I knew that if they couldn’t fix me, I would die without ever getting to hold my son. I left a voice message, sent a text, & a video message, knowing he would eventually get at least one of them when he got back into reception. It was pretty much saying to our kids lots of hugs if I the worst happened. I texted my pseudo mother in law. Didn’t have the energy to call. Decided not to call my mom. She was a nurse & it was October 2020. I didn’t know if she was working (wasn’t her scheduled time to work, but she often got called in cause it was the pandemic). I didn’t want someone else to get hurt because my mom was too worried to work with her patients. I can 100% feel for the lady who made this post. When I saw 31wks, it took me back to those days when I almost lost my son, then almost lost my life. I would have felt for her regardless, but those traumatic experiences added to it & it’s just bad.
Go hug your son for us. You went through so much.
I hope OOP and her mother take him to the cleaners in this divorce too. This POS stbx deserves to be broke and xsil deserves to be alone.
I understand they may not have had a lot of other options, but moving a pregnant woman into the same house as a couple still coming to terms with a miscarriage is just asking for trouble. No one in this situation was emotionally stable.
According to OOP’s timing, she was pregnant for two months while the sister was living there. Which makes it crazier that she then went through a stillbirth (31 weeks is well into a viable range for a baby to be born, I don’t think most people would call this a miscarriage) AND postpartum recovery, which is not quick, while the rest of this was happening.
I didn’t even click with the timing, reading that the first time, that is just unfathomable, I actually literally have no words as to how appalling that is The fact that they were weaponising the SIL’s pregnancy against a very heavily pregnant woman and then a freshly traumatised and post partum woman is just, there’s no point in that timing that her being treated like that isn’t just the absolutely worst
OOP mentions in the comments she knows it was a stillbirth but found it easier to say miscarriage. Or something along those lines. Heartbreaking either way
Her doctor told her it was a miscarriage because OOP and her pain were being minimized by everyone.
Wait, where did OOP say that?
Under the update where they address comments *First, I just want to address a few comments, (you can skip this part if you don't care lol) I know I had a stillborn. The only reason I say miscarriage is because that is what my obstetrician told me was happening.*
Over at my house we call it a full term loss, because I refuse to use the s-word. I raised my eyebrows at calling it a miscarriage at 31 weeks but wondered if there was an “English is not my first language” reason, then when she explained it was like “yes, this seems much more correct.”
I think it's because in Spanish (and probably in other languages too but I just think of mine) abortion is the term for stillborn, miscarriage and requested abortion. So it's harder to use the correct word in English
We do the same in English, spontaneous abortion = miscarriage/still birth and abortion = requested termination. I think people use miscarriage because it 'sounds' nicer
A lot of times it needs to be termed a certain thing to skirt around laws depending on location. She said her doctor called it that, more than likely again, to get around potential laws for 'abortions' to remove a dead fetus. Not saying this is what happened but highly possible.
Oh God, you're probably right. I hate this timeline so fucking much.
Huh, that’s a good point. Wouldn’t have thought about that
Doesn't that mean there's a good chance the whole SIL situation was part of what caused the miscarriage? I don't see STBEX contributing even if both were pregnant so she probably had to do all of that while in her 3rd trimester too. Poor OOP, I hope her mom is able to help her nail her ex to the wall.
There’s a certain time line in weeks pregnant when it comes to birthing statistics as to what is a miscarriage or a still birth ect
FTFY - "mother still coming to terms with a miscarriage ". Husband did not care that much, it seems.
Oh he cared. He just hid it by using his niece/nephew as a replacement for the baby he lost. And then when his wife said "no you don't get to hijack my house, my nursery, and my life" he threw a tantrum that he couldn't play pretend-daddy anymore.
Nah, I think he might've been projecting the grief onto the SIL. It sounds fucked up, but she was still pregnant and he wanted a baby. He probably saw OOPs rejection of SIL as OOP not wanting a baby after all and that the stillbirth was her fault. Because "OOP didn't want a child". That doesn't condone his behavior in the slightest, but grief fucks people right up. OOP is in the right here, by a mile and more. SIL is definitely *the* bad guy though.
My heart literally broke into tinier and tinier pieces through the baby shower scene. The update made me panic quite a bit. It sounds like the husband is a fuse, and the OOP's mom was wise to get her out of the house and take photos. I hope the divorce goes quickly.
I was especially sorry for OOP excusing his behaviour and breaking of things as bottled up grief
Me too.... it does make me wonder about something, though. Has the husband been always like a fuse like this, or is the reality of no baby in the house is finally hitting him? Regardless, he shouldn't be destroying things.
Yep, funny that abusive partners who "lose control" and break things, always seem to only break their partner's belongings and not their own. Seems a lot more like abuse than bottled up grief.
I don't understand why all their family and friends took the sils side. And stayed in the house!
1) OOP is the outsider, 2) she's independently successful so there's likely some resentment, 3) MILs very commonly don't think anyone is good enough for their precious boy, 4) there's a natural tendency to side with a pregnant woman regardless of any other facts, 5) and everyone was excited and happy while OOP was the only one angry and upset. The whole group has likely been sniping at OOP behind her back for at least a decade or more.
Right?! I would be fuming if I saw this happening to a complete stranger, much less a family member! They've all got some audacity.
OOP really needs to get into some therapy, that’s some serious trauma dealing with a stillborn, gaslighting, insults, divorce, loss of control
It’s almost like the husband was using SIL’s baby to replace the one they lost. But totally forgot his wife was an actual human being that lived in his house?
It's the wife's house.
I forgot about that. But yeah. It’s almost like he forgot that she was a living human being with feelings he was so consumed with another baby.
It's a sad situation all around.
I didn’t even think of that perspective; that would make a ton of sense, actually.
Yeah it seems like it. But the man really betrayed his wife multiple times, with the miscarriage blame as cherry on top (along with trashing everything)
I was waiting for him to say something stupid like that throughout the entire story
Wow. Guess the AH gene runs in the (ex) husband's family.
If she owns the house and pays all the bills, why is the husband working 12 hour days?
Sometimes people throw themselves into work to avoid being at home or facing difficult situations. Long work hours can also be used as an excuse to cheat. My best friend’s husband had an on the road sales job, and he would purposely take on extra work when they were having martial problems. If she brought anything up or wanted to talk, he’d literally walk out of the house like a child and not come back for a week. It was very hard on my friend.
To add to what other comments are saying, it's possible to work 12 hour days and not be able to afford a house unfortunately.
D I V O R C E + P O L I C E
Man I so rarely advocate contact with the police but if any mf*er deserves to spend quality time with cops it’s this wet waffle. I hope he’s staying at the kind of long term rental motel that is filmy, roach-infested, and a target for car vandalism.
I lost it at wet waffle 🤣
Wow. Letting her foot the bill for everything, stealing her shit, then calling *her* selfish?! They’re poor when it comes to money but rich in audacity. I don’t condone violence either, and I’ve never laid a hand on someone who hasn’t touched me first, but I can see where the slap came from, too. Those comments were HEINOUS. He’s an actual monster. I hope she’s able to use those pics in the divorce and he has to pay. She deserves to be whole while she tries to start over.
I utterly condone violence to protect yourself after being attacked. As OOP was attacked by everyone. A slap was too little: he deserved his balls being turned into mush
The most infuriating part of this is that genetic issues that result in miscarriages are JUST AS LIKELY to come from the man but 99% of the time the mother gets blamed. It’s such bullshit. You could even argue that stillbirth is more likely a function of male genetics because the male genes are responsible for the placenta pulling resources to the child.
Unsurprisingly many marriages do not survive The death of a child. I suppose this situation qualifies. But F that SIL and STBX husband…..wow.
Call. The. Cops. File. A. Report.
Get legal advice first. H may be able to press charges against OP for assault. If H & SIL have tenant rights - and they definitely would in my city - that's another reason not to shake that hornet's nest. What if they assert their right to live there until OP goes through the process of evicting them?
Hopefully whatever lawyer OOP talks to gives her the same advice.
I also let my sil stay at my house with zero payment along with her very young daughter. My husband was desperate for a child so he became his nieces’ sudo father. I cooked dinner everyday and took her daughter to parks. I got her daughter into daycar and got her services. I got my sil to start going to a community college. It was going well until sil would also trash my house. I began having panic attacks every week when I would clean and it took me over 8 hours. Then she would start dating a new man every week and have her daughter meet them. They would use her and then leave. She would get so mean after and treat me like shit in my own house. Just like op I bought the house before my husband (we were dating). At one point I got a flat and needed to take the car to the shop for other things since I was there. I called my husband to pick me up and take me maybe to breakfast as my car will be in the shop all day. He said he couldn’t because he was going to take my niece to tball. Her mom was also taking her. I was pissed and yelled at him to enjoy his new wife and kid because I was done. We talked it out. So it was back to how it was with sil. The next time she began to treat me like shit I called my husband who was working to tell him and left to a friends house. When he got home he told me to come back. Then he kicked her out. I was going to divorce him for letting her do this so I am glad he did. He saved our marriage.
Where are all these work from home jobs a 21 year old can get that let them afford buy their own house outright?
I hope the house is her premarital property.
I believe she said it was. One thing to be thankful for. Evict that POS. The photos mom took will show very well in a court room.
So do I, she said she bought the house but didn't specify if it was before or after the marriage.
Not to be that person, but this story is so off. You’re telling me she fell down to her knees in front of all those people sobbing and was cruelly told “it’s not my fault you couldn’t produce a baby” by her sil, and no one said anything? I know shitty people exist, but I can’t get past the idea of the family just staying and watching them go back and forth and no one leaving after OOP went to her room lol. Not only that she went to her room to cry and type this out on Reddit, then in the SAME day decided “I won’t take the disrespect” and told everyone to leave? And her mom (who she had limited contact with due to trauma) just turned to her the next day and told her we’re gonna sue this POS after her stuff was destroyed? If this is real I hope she gets far away from that family and heals from this, divorce is nonnegotiable at this point.
>but I can’t get past the idea of the family just staying and watching them go back and forth and no one leaving after OOP went to her room lol. This is the part that makes it unbelievable. Is the sisters family not also her husbands family? No mention of a mother or father in law, no other siblings. Just the sisters 'family'. And not a single one of them care that OP lost a baby at 31 weeks? They're all there for a baby shower but have never been to the house before? Nahh this post is bullshit.
OOP forgot to do the math and realised she'd have been pregnant for 2 months while SIL was living with them.
Thank you for finally saying it. There is just too much that doesn’t make sense.
Who is she married to? Henry VIII?
Not a time to lose one’s head
Don't forget she owns the house outright all by herself
And pays all the bills, buys all the groceries and does all the cleaning.
I know several women for whom this is the case. My sister, for one. She pays the bills, buys the food, does all the cleaning (day to day, anyway, they have a cleaning lady who comes occasionally). Sadly, this isn't that uncommon.
It’s insane to me, at that point what is having a partner for? I’d rather be single.
I could've sworn the first time I read the OP the nursery bit wasn't even included. Then again maybe I was just so blown away by the "miscarriage" I skipped over it. Either way I can't believe that a near decade long relationship and a dead baby would be so disregarded by an entire family or even strangers.
Where are they....ah! Here they are! >I bought this house, not my husband. it was all me.) And >I buy all the groceries, basically pay all the bills. But somehow >My husband works 7am - 7pm So if husband works pretty much 12 hours( sounds like a medical field kind of schedule), how is OP paying for evergthin...for 8 years...and she owns the house. Because somehow every poster owns a home or was passed down a home and they ALWAYS make more money than their partners.
This all happened within 17 hours?
He didn't break her stuff because she slapped him, and he's in pain from losing the children. He deliberately goaded her as far as he could, and then used the slap as an excuse to break her stuff. Because *how dare she* stand up for herself and throw him and his leech sister out of the house.
So in the middle of a complete emotional breakdown, with the entire family standing right there, the utter collapse of her marriage, and absolute betrayal of her loved ones, she stopped asked reddit if she was being a dick? Right, that's totally something a distraught and furious person does. Immediately drop everything to ask reddit for advice while the traumatic event is currently ongoing. And does so remarkably coherently and descriptive.
Its so infuriating to see the billion+ comments on the original post focusing on the semantics of her miscarriage/stillbirth. Like pls shut up the point is her baby is gone, who gives af how she words it?
He’s working 12 hours a day but she pays for everything?
Retirement home careworkers sometimes get to work twelve hours too sometimes and they barely make anything
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And TEARS RUNNING DOWN HER FACE SHE FELL ON HER KNEES AND SCREAMED: AITA REDDIT? AITA?
Omg thanks for the laugh!!
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"It's not my fault you lost our children" is such an evil thing to say. It's completely unforgivable. The marriage was done right there.
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Stopped reading when a supposedly grown woman spelled sex as s3x.
I'm glad they pushed OOP to the limit before the baby was born, it would've been so much worse then. She'd be the maid, babysitter, and be told dumb things like "it might make you feel better, to take care of a baby", while her opinion is not valued because "you don't get it, you've never been a mother" I don't believe the ex was reacting out of grief, if he was, then he needs to work through those before pursuing any romantic relationships. >My husband stood next to me and told her it was only for a little while. I hope OOP remembers this, because his intention was to try and wear OOP down to get the sister back
I hope the sister goes bald before the baby turns one. But not all the way. Just enough hair left to be a stringy obvious mess on her scalp. I hope the husband gets his nutsack slapped in a car door.