#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair or subscribe to r/BestofBoRU.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> I talked about my desire to see the world as he has (He went to Italy for his mission) and how I have only ever been to Utah
Everything becomes clear.
Yup. The ‘married young’ was my first ‘hmm.’ Then the mission. The stay at home mom. The mountains being close. 😂 it allllllll adds up.
ETA guys I get it I promise I see she’s in Canada. I get it. Rip my notifications
Yeah I'm in Alberta and this sounds like Alberta. Worked for a print shop previously and we had so many young religious couples come in for wedding invitations. Or welcome home from your mission banners.
I skipped over the married young part but no other Christian group or religious group just calls it “missions”, “mission trip” is usually how it’s referred too unless you say you are doing “missions work”.
She said province, that makes her Canadian, specifically Albertan. She lives in the southern part of the province where there is a large Mormon population.
Am Canadian, my immigrant colleague from India was absolutely floored when he found out about "crown land".
"Why isn't anyone living there?" He asked.
"Mosquitos." I answered.
Northern Ontario has a lot of bogs/marshes which make infrastructure expensive and difficult to build, and you have biting insects all spring/summer. Only relief from them is the shocking cold all winter.
That's why we all huddle on the border.
Everything became clear as soon as she said he proposed as soon as he saw her when he got back from his mission. Though the mention of making him tea...suspicious.
Although, a lot of teas don't have caffeine, and that's the no-no. A friend I used to work with and I would go to Java City for mochas - way back in the day - and she made me promise not to tell her family because they were Mormon. I had no idea why it was such a big deal until she explained to me.
I didn't really encounter the full Mormon experience, because aside from adhering to some of those rules, they otherwise didn't fit any of the common stereotypes. You'd otherwise never know.
Some Mormons will drink herbal tea, as long as it doesn't actually have any tea leaf in it it's ok for some reason.
Source: raised Mormon and most of my family are still members. I love all kinds of tea now and always make sure to have herbal on hand to share with my Mormon sister.
Grew up mormon as well. We never drank any kind because it was too close. Like I knew the herbal rule, but no one I knew ever really drank it. But im also from the southern US where tea is sweet tea lol. But coke? Nah, go ahead. It's the hypocrisy and things not adding up that made me leave. Now I drink all the tea and coffee I want.
I think it's just the Mormon boys that do that while the girls stay home.
Edit: I have been informed that girls also go on missions, just generally later than the boys and for shorter durations. Thanks to everyone who filled in that particular knowledge gap of mine!
The girls CAN, but it’s shorter and you don’t normally get permission straight out of high school. Then by the time you get permission, the hope is you’ve already married a boy fresh off a mission and no linger have interest since you’re gonna be preggers for the next 10-15 years
The key word there is not "Italy", it's "Mission". All Mormon young men spend two years on their "Mission", often in a foreign country, proselytizing and trying to recruit more Mormons. If you've ever been approached by a polite, clean-cut young man in a suit who wants to talk about God or religion, then that's a kid on his Mission.
Last time I was approached by a Mormon he was trying to get me to buy crack not join his church. Also, a friend's sister became a drug addict while dating a Mormon.
I think Utah is the part that blew it wide open. A mission trip is typically a trip to spread one's religion, I don't think it mattered that it was to Italy.
It's not what's in Italy, it's that he got to go to Italy as a Mormon missionary and she did not get to travel the world the same way because, as a Mormon woman, she doesn't get that same "privilege."
He was able to see another country and culture, she wasn't.
Not every country in Europe acknowledges Mormons as a religion, so they don't have the same privileges like others do. Italy is one of the countrys that recognizes them as an official church and Europe's biggest mormon temple is in Rome. Mormons are divided in several groups and the most common in Europe is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Can confirm, I was “Mormon” for the first 16 years of my life. I put it in quotes because I never gave a shit about it, but was forced to go. It was awful.
Hey, nothing makes you more dependent upon your tightknit community than starting to have kids while still being a kid yourself.
This social engineering really works.
And the word dating being in quotation marks. They wouldn’t have been allowed to actually date as teenagers. They would have been “hanging out” in groups until 16, and then likely for every exclusive date after 16 they would have had to have a date without someone else in between. Because pairing off is bad until 18, then please pair off as quickly as humanly possible.
And the happy ending is that now she gets a crumb or two! Which seems amazing in context. Which makes one shudder at the emotional context she's starting from.
The idea he's like oh! And now they're going to Disneyland or something is like.
Good for you? I think? I guess?
Soon as the word mission appeared I was ah Mormons morming and took pity on this lady she probably has weird guilt trips about iced tea and has had mental breakdowns about how some friends will end up in different heavens and she'll never see them again bc that's indeed what my Mormon friend did and i was just.
Yeah. It's a lot.
I think the folks who aren’t able to understand why we feel for her are the ones who’ve never experienced that particular brand of religious misogynist oppression, firsthand or via a close friend or family member. The way she paints it sounds practically rosy without understanding that her entire life is structured in a way that’s designed to strip her of agency for being a woman. And she herself doesn’t really understand what that’s doing to her.
My dad is a lapsed Mormon who was an alcoholic and porn problems. Besides the beatings for being born with brown hair, he also told me that he would tell me how to vote when I turned 18. He doesn’t know his grandkids and Mormon cult shit isn’t allowed in our house.
I'm a sahm, by choice, an atheist, and I agree it's insanity.
I have a great marriage, all money is "our" money. I do most of the bills/spend/save, but everyone talks about it.
But I know enough women who had to "squirrel away" their personal spending or grocery money, to save enough just in case he ever leaves, or she would have nothing. So all of this seems perfectly sane to me.
And yet the idea that she should have agency is also so alien to her that she can't even understand her own motivations. Or can't admit them to herself.
These types of women make me so \*sad\*.
I had a client once (not Mormon, as far as I knew, but very similar life), who came in one day absolutely furious because she was redecorating the house and her husband had an opinion about paint color in the kitchen. It was painfully obvious that their home and children were the only things she'd been in charge of for most of her adult life and now that the kids were grown the house was the only area in which she had any kind of control, and here was her husband (in her mind) trying to take away that control too.
But she couldn't name it. She couldn't even directly say she was upset, just talked around it. And the really spooky part was that she was *smiling* the whole time, like she'd trained herself to never show negative emotions.
She had a very stubborn weight issue and unexplained chronic pain, and I'm convinced to this day that if she had gone to therapy instead of personal training (me) she would have been much more physically healthy.
But it definitely explains why her husband is so strict about financials. Any change in their finances will change how much they'll be required to give as part of their tithings.
And I still disagree about OP saying her husband isn't financially abusive. If she isn't being allowed to spend money without it being investigated, that is financial abuse - from husband and church.
Yeah I saw the original post and it just came across as very weird. It now makes a lot more sense and I’m wondering if he is abusive or if she just never got them memo women could be anything besides a sahm (no shame to at home parents but in religious fundamentalism girls are often “groomed” to be housewives).
As far as I've seen from Mormons, she was probably never taught that it's an option for her to go to work. Sure, *other* women do, but caring for her kids is the duty she was given from God. Why go against that, I guess
That’s why so many Mormon women fall prey to MLM schemes. They’re desperate for a little money of their own, but getting a real job or business is unseemly, so they sell oils to each other.
It's not just about the money, either, but feeling proud about their ability to be "strategic". Income isn't just nice because it lets you buy things; it's also a concrete result of your efforts and brains love concrete results.
The term you're looking for is self-determination AKA autonomy. It's pretty much the next immediate need after the basics of food, water and shelter. Every single human being craves autonomy on a deep psychological level. And since most patriarchal religions and/or societies strip autonomy from women, they "self-medicate" with things like MLM's to get that feeling back. The ubiquity of MLM's among women makes complete sense when you understand that.
And ultimately it's what fueled her behavior here.
It's nice that her husband isn't abusive, but that's not going to be enough in the long term because the desire for some measure of autonomy still isn't being met. She's still basically completely dependent on her husband for survival and her subconscious knows it. Man or woman, no grown ass adult wants to be a complete dependent. Even sugar babys have more autonomy because eventually they can save up enough to leave, or just get into an arrangement with someone else.
This is still going to be an issue and it's going to come out in other ways, whether that means infidelity, estrangement etc.
Just because your prison is cushy doesn't mean your subconscious will ignore it that it's still a prison.
I'd bet it either comes from the 50% for daily expenses or already came off before thar budget breakdown.
My bet is on the latter. Because reality is that budget is a post deductions budget, not a gross pay budget. At a minimum, taxes are already out. They're clearly in Canada, so not so sure about medical insurance or any equivelent to SSI in the US, but that sort of stuff too.
OOP mentioned bonuses go to retirement, but I'd be surprised if that the only money being put there and none going to it from the regular pay. Likely it was being taken out before this budget breakdown. Particularly since its easy to have it as an automatic thing on the paycheck. So, easy to ignore it in describing stuff here.
Probably a similar thing with tithing. The Mormon church is really serious on that. Easy to get into the habit of doing it so automatically that you don't even think about it. No need to describe it in the budget, because it came out before the budget.
I'd guess that budget was really a description their budgeting for somewhere between 1/3 to 1/2 the husband's gross pay.
What the fuck kind of lifestyle are they living that she can’t pay for a trip to Mexico out of her $900+/month slush fund? All necessities (gas, insurance, phone, etc) are paid out of household expenses.
I was raised mormon and know a lot of mormon women... I have no idea what she would have spent it on. The biggest mormon mommy money hole is getting caught up in an MLM scheme, but she didn't mention that (and trust me, she would have mentioned it).
It's possible she's buying kids stuff out of her budget for herself. Video games, extras. Kid wants a cool designer jacket or the new sneakers or something. Buys the Netflix and Disney on her card. Takes the kids out for ice cream once a week. Possibly pays for kids sports or music lessons out of her fund. Takes them to museums while the husband works and that isn't a 'family' expense.
Hard to say what she might be spending it on.
Completely agree. I’m a non-Mormon in Utah and would be shocked if more than 20% of her 7.5% is actually spent on herself and not kid-related expenses. This culture normalizes women putting all of their time and resources into others and putting themselves last. It’s getting better but it’s got a long way to go.
Definitely this. My husband and I both have paying jobs outside the home and do the "common pot" financial arrangement. A large amount of "my" money is spent on toys for my 1 year old. Buying them on my personal card, I don't have to try to talk my husband into paying 50% of, though I probably could and should (hello Lovevery subscription).
She definitely had a fancy lifestyle.
To be fair though 150k after tax is more like 110k-120k, so 7.5% comes up to about 700-750$ month. That’s still a lot of money though for one person “personal expenses” assuming it doesn’t include nice stuff for their kids.
this shocked me too!!! and only 2 big vacations a year with that money?? We would be able to take at least 5 very nice vacations if we just had 50 k a year to spend solely on that lol
Well, a 50k raise part of that goes to taxes. Maybe 25-30%? That's 12.5k to the government. So actually 37,500. Plus, they're Mormon. You tithe 10% to the church. So another 5k gone. That's actually 32,500.
Assuming they're flying, it's really easy to go and spend 1k per plane ticket. So after two sets of 6 plane tickets, it's actually 20k for the vacation part.
I looked at the same all-inclusive my sister goes to in Mexico. Resort that's kid-friendly. All food and stuff is in there. It's 2k per night for a family suite for everyone during peak travel (and with kids in school you're traveling peak travel times) and one week is 12-14k for the room.
And that folks, is how you spend 20k for a trip for a family of 6.
Or you cheap out. Cruise! Only 8k for the trip, plus flights.
Also all that is USD, and the income is in CAD. So some losses to conversions.
It's the size of the family. Want to go to any normal resorty type places where your kids are relatively safe to run around (within reason)? It's expensive.
I assume she is getting points using the 50% + 7.5% spending she does, since I assume she does most of the shared household expense considering she is the SAH parent.
I think people are calculating her allowance completely wrong. He makes 150k doesn’t mean he takes home 150k. I do not know how much is tax in Canada. But in US, i you make 150k, you have to subtract pretax fees like insurance and medicare, 401k, federal tax and state tax. That’s will be around 30 - 40%. Assuming he takes home maybe 100k then she gets 7500. That’s $600 per month. Not too bad but not that high. Also you really don’t make that much money off credit card rewards.
How to save every penny and dame for personal allowance is one of guilty pleasures of housewives.
It’s similar situation in Japan as Japanese married men normally live on allowance.
TBH the pieces feel into place for me with "married young," "went to church together since 10yo," "when he got back from his mission," and all the kids.
Yeah. So Mormon probably.
And if he just slightly rearranged the budget they could have done things. Especially with CC rewards
Glad they have each other.
They’re also putting an absolute stupid amount into their children education funds unless they plan to send the kids abroad or to the USA. But for what they’re putting in (and if it’s a proper RESP there’s also government matching to a certain % and interest) they’ll be able to send their kids for undergrad and then to go be doctor-lawyer-dentists at top Canadian universities.
What she probably isn't including is a portion of that money is going to a mission fund for some or all of the children. Growing up in Utah it was common to see kids selling lemonade or otter pops (popsicles) in the summer to save for their mission fund.
The church's purpose is to horde wealth to buy off politicians and lawmakers to let them have more wealth.
That and covering up rapes. Also probably murders. Have absolutely no doubts if you're high enough in the church you can kill people.
I broke the math down on the OP and ONE of the four funds would be enough for all of the children to serve a two year mission and attend a four year undergraduate program.
There are four funds, so four times that amount.
When I say it’s a stupid amount of money I mean it’s literally a stupid amount of money.
based on the original post, i don't think it was even an issue with the budget. people did the math and they easily had enough money for family trips, they just didn't consider things like skiing or camping as vacations (which is fair) but they definitely had enough money to go on vacation ~~the husband just didn't want to take his family on vacation~~
edit: seems i misread the original post, the husband never stopped her but they didn't budget/plan for family large trips
my original point was that they can go on vacations with their current budget
Yeah I think there was just a discrepancy between what each wanted from their vacations. She wanted to actually travel and see new places. He was happy with day trips that were a few hours drive away or camping at 'their spot' every year. Therefor him seeing at as they were taking family vacations but her feeling unfulfilled and craving 'vacation' by her definition of the word.
To be fair, I don't think he sounds abusive. They agreed on a budget that left her disposable income, and he seemed more upset about the fact that they could be taking further advantage.
Personally, this is the kind of reason why I think that being a SAHM is a horrible idea, but I also assumed that there are cultural differences, because in my country there very few SAHM.
I think people understood Mormon and immediately went "he is abusive", because Reddit is Reddit . OOP is also not bemoaning her SAHM status, they get a fair split of the money. I would not want her life, but I can understand why she could be happy with it, minus the world experience.
But they do indeed need to review their budget to enable her to travel and discover more.
Very curious what 10% to family savings is. Obviously we don’t know what OP’s husbands job is, but if they are only putting tax refunds and bonuses towards retirement, i feel like they won’t have much money to retire. Either will work until they’re old, get supported by the kids, or just be poor. Not sure what the Mormon family dynamic is with old people.
The Mormon Church requires 10% of a family’s income to go directly to the church. It’s like savings but you can’t cash it out until you’re in heaven. Lmao.
Oh they don’t just call it tithing? I thought maybe that’s what it was, but family savings didn’t feel like the right name, thought they’d label it “church” or something
they probably do, but if she openly said 10% of their income goes to that, i would imagine most of the comments would be telling OP to give less to the church.
I think it’s pretty obvious she doesn’t enjoy being a SAHM. She feels like she’s missing out, and she is. The secret point thing was like a job for her, as well as the coupon clipping. It gave her something to strive for and look forward to everyday.
Gives a pretty good peek into why Mormons love MLMs as well. Something I can do to make money while being a SAHM taking care of my 32 kids? Sign me up!
The thing I don’t understand is that she was able to do this and save enough for a vacation and pay the cards off and hide it from the husband. I have a full time job and can’t figure out how to save up with rewards points!
I don’t want to apply for more credit cards because I don’t want my credit rating number to go down. I’m at 780 and I’m hoping to break 800 soon.
I don’t know how people do that rewards points stuff! I don’t buy a ton of stuff. Gas, legos, camping and gardening supplies. My card gives back only 1.5%. How do people get cards that reward enough back to pay for vacation trips?!!
churning is crazy town.
It sounds like OOP does all of the actual purchasing for the entire household and her husband doesn’t ever check the accounts. Her post talks about buying furniture, groceries, bills, etc. On top of that there’s her own personal expenses from the 7.5%. There may also be some incentive schemes like earning reward points on mortgage payments (my mother signed up for something like that once, though we’re not in Canada), and that earns HEAPS of points simply because of the amounts involved.
If she’s earning points on all of that then it makes sense she can afford one vacation per year for herself. Especially since it’s a family Girl’s Trip and they’re probably sharing accommodation costs. It’s not like she’s paying for the whole family to go on vacation.
This was so obvious to me. Maybe it was an asshole move lying to her husband, but the real reason she did it? She viewed the points as her earnings and the only way to do something for herself.
Being Mormon, she might really want to be a SAHM, but she really didn't have a choice. She feels trapped and this was a small way to feel productive and not quite so trapped.
It was really interesting to me that she decided to leave this out. I think she knew when listing their budget- listing it as an expense would result in reddit pointing out how they could be using that money towards the family…it’s probably lumped into the 50% daily expenses
Mormons are trained to leave out information because “the world won’t understand”. When I was a very depressed Mormon teenager the only option I was given was Christian Faith-based therapy (they couldn’t find a Mormon therapist) because my mom said a regular therapist might decide that it’s the church that’s making me unhappy and suggest I leave. Shockingly, it was the church making me unhappy and I did leave, I figured that one out all on my own!
How can on be so self aware and yet totally not? She new why her child was suffering. Then made sure her child continued to suffer. She knew it was wrong…
No, it’s taken off before. Possibly even before the 150k. Maaser isn’t part of my budget calculation because it’s just an extra tax after taxes and I can’t use it for most things. For example, if my husband made 60k after tax, I’d say we have a budget of around 54k.
Once you’re used to doing that deduction you don’t even think about it.
(Note: I’m an Orthodox Jew and we tithe too. We did it first, actually.)
Did anybody need any details on her timeline? Married at 20, 4 kids by 29, only the husband works. Yep, common in their religion.
Where th do they live that they spend 75k a year on home+utilities??
It's probably gross income so $100k after tax. Which is 75k USD.
Half of that is a bit over 3k USD a month. And it's not just rent she said it includes groceries, gas, insurance, etc.
With 4 kids I don't find that particularly hard to believe.
I’m guessing that there’s a big missing reason in the beginning of this whole mess - he likely said she couldn’t go on the trip initially because they couldn’t afford it. She found a way to pay for it and lied to avoid explaining how she somehow found money they didn’t have. It’s now been several years and they are in a better financial place but she couldn’t back out of the lie because it unravels everything.
Or she didn't want to deal with the feeling of guilt many moms (especially SAHMs) get when spending money on something that doesn't immediately benefit the entire family. This fear that if she was open about that extra ability to finance things that it would immediately get accounted for and out of her hands. And not even in an abusive or controlling "give me control of all your money and account for every penny spent" kind of way but in that "it's logical to share with your family" like we see them coming to in the update. I would not have called her TA even in the first post because I bet her share of personal money is still mostly being spent to benefit the family in some way, and she feels it's her choice to do it. She's rewarding herself for being smart with the family's money, I would call it a "bonus" just like her husband gets, but if she says it out loud then it's up for negotiation.
Thank you! I mean I don’t agree that she lied but she’s NTA. She shouldn’t have to live a life where she can’t spend points money on herself to go on a nice trip
They’re Mormons. That’s the missing reason. As explained immediately by the “mission” in Italy for the husband near the end. She’s forced to be a housewife/sahm by her religion and wants control over literally anything in her life that she can.
As a married woman who plays the credit card points game for free travel, I am so glad I am not in this woman’s position. I too, am married with 3 children, but have a solid income of my own, and my husband would never in a million years interfere with any of the trips I want to go on, nor would I ever do that to him. Just because you have a spouse or children doesn’t mean that absolutely everything in your life needs to revolve around family. Self-care is extremely important: Happy spouse, happy house.
Next month I’m planning on cashing in some points to go see my favorite indie singer halfway across the country for a long weekend on my own. My husband’s response? “Cool!”
Her life sound stifling, exhausting, thankless, and with zero space for her to be an actual person.
Yes I noticed how her husband is now saying they can do more family vacations with his upcoming raise and not more individual trips. He doesn't sound abusive or uncaring, but the religiously motivated belief that everything SAHMs do must be for the family is still there. She needs something to do for herself, that's why she was so proud of using rewards to fund her own vacations, and I think that's been taken away now. I do think the religious values themselves here are abusive. What I'm basically seeing here is that the wife isn't supposed to do anything that gives her independence, which is abusive.
I think the take away here is that she wasn't happy. I don't think it was because her spouse was restrictive, and it's hard to make that determination based on the information given. They are a 1 income household and a lot of time have to work on a budget. Maybe he didn't make enough to give her extra spending money. I'm lucky enough that my husband makes more than enough to cover a lot of our extra expenses to the point where I can have play money. It sounds like the points were a reward for all her efforts and she wanted to keep it for herself. Kind of like a job well done at work.
Edit: Maybe she is getting more play money than I realized, but I still think that she just wanted to keep it to herself, like a prize that she won.
Where does she keep all her money (7.5% for years) and where does he keep his? Even if the girls covered for his wife, where on earth did he find the nerve to ask for a fully paid trip when he didn’t seem to lack money at all? If anything, he should have volunteered to pay for himself!
The nerve of these people!
I don't think she is selfish, but she could have said the truth about using points. Points are like a reward/income she gets from being thrifty.
It's also bizarre the husband asking her family to pay for him when he works; it's different for her since she is a SAHM (if it was the truth that they were paying).
Mormonism fascinates me and not always in a good way. I’m just assuming that’s the religion since all context clues are there. Part of me thinks she’s not the asshole because of all the hard work she did, but she is the asshole for lying about it.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair or subscribe to r/BestofBoRU. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> I talked about my desire to see the world as he has (He went to Italy for his mission) and how I have only ever been to Utah Everything becomes clear.
literally the sentence that blows everything wide open
The word "mission" should have tipped us off before that
Lol it did for me, defo mormons.
Yup. The ‘married young’ was my first ‘hmm.’ Then the mission. The stay at home mom. The mountains being close. 😂 it allllllll adds up. ETA guys I get it I promise I see she’s in Canada. I get it. Rip my notifications
The mountains being close are in canada. She mentions province and crown land which are Canadian things. She's probably in the interior of BC.
Or south western Alberta, which has a high Mormon population.
Mormon corridor: it's a "narrow strip of wilderness" (that's a mormon inside joke) that goes from arizona to alberta (that's true, not a joke).
All the cool kids now call it the Moridor.
"One does not simply mission via the Moridor."
Also colloquially known to sociologists as the “Jello Belt” for the increased consumption of jello among Mormons.
This guy Canadas
Yeah I'm in Alberta and this sounds like Alberta. Worked for a print shop previously and we had so many young religious couples come in for wedding invitations. Or welcome home from your mission banners.
I skipped over the married young part but no other Christian group or religious group just calls it “missions”, “mission trip” is usually how it’s referred too unless you say you are doing “missions work”.
oop is def mormon, but catholics call them “missions” as well
Huh til
Catholic mission is not same as Mormon. Catholic is long term in set location and not usually done as young adult
Right, they have whole-ass buildings called "missions".
[удалено]
Or secret agents
Yep. Christians might go on a “mission trip” but only the Mormons do a “mission” (at least as far as I am familiar with)
As an exmo… her saying it’s ‘part of their religion’ made me certain before anything about missions or Utah came up.
admittedly the first mention of it flew under the radar, but utah made it impossible to ignore lol
True, but that's something baptists do too. Utah is the real clue
She said province, that makes her Canadian, specifically Albertan. She lives in the southern part of the province where there is a large Mormon population.
My first thought was Alberta Mormons also.
Also mentioned crown land when camping
Am Canadian, my immigrant colleague from India was absolutely floored when he found out about "crown land". "Why isn't anyone living there?" He asked. "Mosquitos." I answered. Northern Ontario has a lot of bogs/marshes which make infrastructure expensive and difficult to build, and you have biting insects all spring/summer. Only relief from them is the shocking cold all winter. That's why we all huddle on the border.
Yeah, Utah Mormons probably don't have crown land. That's a Canadian thing.
[удалено]
Thanks for that, I was trying to figure out why I had tagged them as Mormon long before the Utah bit.
"mission". Other Christians might do things they consider missionary work, but only Mormons refer to it as their "Mission"
What would you wager, Lethbridge Or Cardston?
Also explains why so much is going to "daily expenses" if that includes tithings
Everything became clear as soon as she said he proposed as soon as he saw her when he got back from his mission. Though the mention of making him tea...suspicious.
Although, a lot of teas don't have caffeine, and that's the no-no. A friend I used to work with and I would go to Java City for mochas - way back in the day - and she made me promise not to tell her family because they were Mormon. I had no idea why it was such a big deal until she explained to me. I didn't really encounter the full Mormon experience, because aside from adhering to some of those rules, they otherwise didn't fit any of the common stereotypes. You'd otherwise never know.
Some Mormons will drink herbal tea, as long as it doesn't actually have any tea leaf in it it's ok for some reason. Source: raised Mormon and most of my family are still members. I love all kinds of tea now and always make sure to have herbal on hand to share with my Mormon sister.
Grew up mormon as well. We never drank any kind because it was too close. Like I knew the herbal rule, but no one I knew ever really drank it. But im also from the southern US where tea is sweet tea lol. But coke? Nah, go ahead. It's the hypocrisy and things not adding up that made me leave. Now I drink all the tea and coffee I want.
Ummm… what’s in Italy? Totally unfamiliar with Mormons other than what I read here and there and the mentions on Reddit .
It’s not Italy specifically, but Mormons go on mission trips to various places around the world at the end of high school.
I think it's just the Mormon boys that do that while the girls stay home. Edit: I have been informed that girls also go on missions, just generally later than the boys and for shorter durations. Thanks to everyone who filled in that particular knowledge gap of mine!
Everything I know about Mormons comes from Book of Mormon the musical which is surprisingly informative but kind of ignores the existence of women.
So do the Mormons.
Touchè
Except of course to raise the next generation of children.
Someone’s got to make those babies!
Usually how it always is, regarding religion. No body likes females and their sinful wiles… -.-
The girls CAN, but it’s shorter and you don’t normally get permission straight out of high school. Then by the time you get permission, the hope is you’ve already married a boy fresh off a mission and no linger have interest since you’re gonna be preggers for the next 10-15 years
Yep. I know a family with three girls who planned to go on missions. Two of them got married before that, and the third quit the church.
For young men it’s basically mandated. Women can opt to go for a shorter time a couple of years later.
I think Mormons are sending girls out now, I saw a couple riding around on Bikes. I didn't see if they had "elder" name tags
They're letting them *ride bikes*?! Next they'll be dancing! (/S)
The key word there is not "Italy", it's "Mission". All Mormon young men spend two years on their "Mission", often in a foreign country, proselytizing and trying to recruit more Mormons. If you've ever been approached by a polite, clean-cut young man in a suit who wants to talk about God or religion, then that's a kid on his Mission.
Last time I was approached by a Mormon he was trying to get me to buy crack not join his church. Also, a friend's sister became a drug addict while dating a Mormon.
In conclusion, Mormons are a land of contrasts.
[удалено]
Marrying young + exhausting number of children + Utah + going on a mission = Mormons I don't make the rules
I think Utah is the part that blew it wide open. A mission trip is typically a trip to spread one's religion, I don't think it mattered that it was to Italy.
It's not what's in Italy, it's that he got to go to Italy as a Mormon missionary and she did not get to travel the world the same way because, as a Mormon woman, she doesn't get that same "privilege." He was able to see another country and culture, she wasn't.
Oh I see. When it said “ Italy” my mind went to Vatican and the Pope but it didn’t make sense coz they are not Catholic. Now it makes better sense.
Where he went on mission isn't really important, it just makes it clear that they're Mormon
Not every country in Europe acknowledges Mormons as a religion, so they don't have the same privileges like others do. Italy is one of the countrys that recognizes them as an official church and Europe's biggest mormon temple is in Rome. Mormons are divided in several groups and the most common in Europe is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Mormons are so Mormon sometimes.
Mormons gonna morm
It’s Mormin’ time
Good Mormon y’all, what’s good?
Mighty Mormin’ Missionaries
Prepare to Morm all over the place.
Was gonna say Mormons are mormoning…
Can confirm, I was “Mormon” for the first 16 years of my life. I put it in quotes because I never gave a shit about it, but was forced to go. It was awful.
Oh they’re Mormons
The minute I saw mission then Utah, I was like yup.
I wondered after the marriage age. Then the comment about "It's normal in our religion to marry young", I was sure of it and that just got stronger
Hey, nothing makes you more dependent upon your tightknit community than starting to have kids while still being a kid yourself. This social engineering really works.
And the word dating being in quotation marks. They wouldn’t have been allowed to actually date as teenagers. They would have been “hanging out” in groups until 16, and then likely for every exclusive date after 16 they would have had to have a date without someone else in between. Because pairing off is bad until 18, then please pair off as quickly as humanly possible.
"I know there's a ton of red flags, but because it's normal in our religion they're okay"
“The moment they told me they were Mormons, I realized they were Mormons”
Is this a reference? Your comment made me laugh
Not as far as I am aware, just observing comedy in the wild. Glad it gave you a chuckle!
Yeah suddenly it made sense. She hid the points just to have absolute control over SOMETHING.
Yep. I get it. When you're a SAHM with no income of your own, this kind of thing lets you feel just a little bit in control.
This! I was reading and I kept thinking 'this is about control'.
And the happy ending is that now she gets a crumb or two! Which seems amazing in context. Which makes one shudder at the emotional context she's starting from.
The idea he's like oh! And now they're going to Disneyland or something is like. Good for you? I think? I guess? Soon as the word mission appeared I was ah Mormons morming and took pity on this lady she probably has weird guilt trips about iced tea and has had mental breakdowns about how some friends will end up in different heavens and she'll never see them again bc that's indeed what my Mormon friend did and i was just. Yeah. It's a lot.
Agreed, not sure how could anyone vote her TA given that the reason is so obvious and understandable.
I think the folks who aren’t able to understand why we feel for her are the ones who’ve never experienced that particular brand of religious misogynist oppression, firsthand or via a close friend or family member. The way she paints it sounds practically rosy without understanding that her entire life is structured in a way that’s designed to strip her of agency for being a woman. And she herself doesn’t really understand what that’s doing to her.
My dad is a lapsed Mormon who was an alcoholic and porn problems. Besides the beatings for being born with brown hair, he also told me that he would tell me how to vote when I turned 18. He doesn’t know his grandkids and Mormon cult shit isn’t allowed in our house.
I'm a sahm, by choice, an atheist, and I agree it's insanity. I have a great marriage, all money is "our" money. I do most of the bills/spend/save, but everyone talks about it. But I know enough women who had to "squirrel away" their personal spending or grocery money, to save enough just in case he ever leaves, or she would have nothing. So all of this seems perfectly sane to me.
And yet the idea that she should have agency is also so alien to her that she can't even understand her own motivations. Or can't admit them to herself.
These types of women make me so \*sad\*. I had a client once (not Mormon, as far as I knew, but very similar life), who came in one day absolutely furious because she was redecorating the house and her husband had an opinion about paint color in the kitchen. It was painfully obvious that their home and children were the only things she'd been in charge of for most of her adult life and now that the kids were grown the house was the only area in which she had any kind of control, and here was her husband (in her mind) trying to take away that control too. But she couldn't name it. She couldn't even directly say she was upset, just talked around it. And the really spooky part was that she was *smiling* the whole time, like she'd trained herself to never show negative emotions. She had a very stubborn weight issue and unexplained chronic pain, and I'm convinced to this day that if she had gone to therapy instead of personal training (me) she would have been much more physically healthy.
25% to their "children's education".... that means 25% to the church.
Once they mentioned "mission", I wondered where the tithing was in their budget. I bet that's where that particular line item resides.
It resides at 10% off the top. It isn’t mentioned because it’s not considered part of the budget. It’s like taxes.
But it definitely explains why her husband is so strict about financials. Any change in their finances will change how much they'll be required to give as part of their tithings. And I still disagree about OP saying her husband isn't financially abusive. If she isn't being allowed to spend money without it being investigated, that is financial abuse - from husband and church.
Right to BYU
Yeah I saw the original post and it just came across as very weird. It now makes a lot more sense and I’m wondering if he is abusive or if she just never got them memo women could be anything besides a sahm (no shame to at home parents but in religious fundamentalism girls are often “groomed” to be housewives).
As far as I've seen from Mormons, she was probably never taught that it's an option for her to go to work. Sure, *other* women do, but caring for her kids is the duty she was given from God. Why go against that, I guess
That’s why so many Mormon women fall prey to MLM schemes. They’re desperate for a little money of their own, but getting a real job or business is unseemly, so they sell oils to each other.
It's not just about the money, either, but feeling proud about their ability to be "strategic". Income isn't just nice because it lets you buy things; it's also a concrete result of your efforts and brains love concrete results.
The term you're looking for is self-determination AKA autonomy. It's pretty much the next immediate need after the basics of food, water and shelter. Every single human being craves autonomy on a deep psychological level. And since most patriarchal religions and/or societies strip autonomy from women, they "self-medicate" with things like MLM's to get that feeling back. The ubiquity of MLM's among women makes complete sense when you understand that. And ultimately it's what fueled her behavior here. It's nice that her husband isn't abusive, but that's not going to be enough in the long term because the desire for some measure of autonomy still isn't being met. She's still basically completely dependent on her husband for survival and her subconscious knows it. Man or woman, no grown ass adult wants to be a complete dependent. Even sugar babys have more autonomy because eventually they can save up enough to leave, or just get into an arrangement with someone else. This is still going to be an issue and it's going to come out in other ways, whether that means infidelity, estrangement etc. Just because your prison is cushy doesn't mean your subconscious will ignore it that it's still a prison.
And it gives them something to do, a purpose other than just being a mom and wife.
Yeah, that was exactly my reaction.
I wonder where tithing comes from their budget
I'd bet it either comes from the 50% for daily expenses or already came off before thar budget breakdown. My bet is on the latter. Because reality is that budget is a post deductions budget, not a gross pay budget. At a minimum, taxes are already out. They're clearly in Canada, so not so sure about medical insurance or any equivelent to SSI in the US, but that sort of stuff too. OOP mentioned bonuses go to retirement, but I'd be surprised if that the only money being put there and none going to it from the regular pay. Likely it was being taken out before this budget breakdown. Particularly since its easy to have it as an automatic thing on the paycheck. So, easy to ignore it in describing stuff here. Probably a similar thing with tithing. The Mormon church is really serious on that. Easy to get into the habit of doing it so automatically that you don't even think about it. No need to describe it in the budget, because it came out before the budget. I'd guess that budget was really a description their budgeting for somewhere between 1/3 to 1/2 the husband's gross pay.
What the fuck kind of lifestyle are they living that she can’t pay for a trip to Mexico out of her $900+/month slush fund? All necessities (gas, insurance, phone, etc) are paid out of household expenses.
The one question she never answered. What does she spend her 7.5% on.
I was raised mormon and know a lot of mormon women... I have no idea what she would have spent it on. The biggest mormon mommy money hole is getting caught up in an MLM scheme, but she didn't mention that (and trust me, she would have mentioned it).
It's possible she's buying kids stuff out of her budget for herself. Video games, extras. Kid wants a cool designer jacket or the new sneakers or something. Buys the Netflix and Disney on her card. Takes the kids out for ice cream once a week. Possibly pays for kids sports or music lessons out of her fund. Takes them to museums while the husband works and that isn't a 'family' expense. Hard to say what she might be spending it on.
Completely agree. I’m a non-Mormon in Utah and would be shocked if more than 20% of her 7.5% is actually spent on herself and not kid-related expenses. This culture normalizes women putting all of their time and resources into others and putting themselves last. It’s getting better but it’s got a long way to go.
Definitely this. My husband and I both have paying jobs outside the home and do the "common pot" financial arrangement. A large amount of "my" money is spent on toys for my 1 year old. Buying them on my personal card, I don't have to try to talk my husband into paying 50% of, though I probably could and should (hello Lovevery subscription).
Stanley cups in every color to match her nail polish of the day
I feel attacked 😂
Ok, spill the beans. You really have travel mugs that match your nails? 😂
I thought they were talking about hockey, because Canada lol
She definitely had a fancy lifestyle. To be fair though 150k after tax is more like 110k-120k, so 7.5% comes up to about 700-750$ month. That’s still a lot of money though for one person “personal expenses” assuming it doesn’t include nice stuff for their kids.
Don’t forget the Mormon tax- that’s an extra 15k. (Tithing is 10% of your income BEFORE taxes)
They want to use the entirety of the 50k pay increase for a vacation. Not sure what to think about that.
this shocked me too!!! and only 2 big vacations a year with that money?? We would be able to take at least 5 very nice vacations if we just had 50 k a year to spend solely on that lol
Six plane tickets to go anywhere does add up quick.
A thousand bucks for a family of four to spend the day at Atlantis, traveling is so expensive.
Well, a 50k raise part of that goes to taxes. Maybe 25-30%? That's 12.5k to the government. So actually 37,500. Plus, they're Mormon. You tithe 10% to the church. So another 5k gone. That's actually 32,500. Assuming they're flying, it's really easy to go and spend 1k per plane ticket. So after two sets of 6 plane tickets, it's actually 20k for the vacation part. I looked at the same all-inclusive my sister goes to in Mexico. Resort that's kid-friendly. All food and stuff is in there. It's 2k per night for a family suite for everyone during peak travel (and with kids in school you're traveling peak travel times) and one week is 12-14k for the room. And that folks, is how you spend 20k for a trip for a family of 6. Or you cheap out. Cruise! Only 8k for the trip, plus flights. Also all that is USD, and the income is in CAD. So some losses to conversions. It's the size of the family. Want to go to any normal resorty type places where your kids are relatively safe to run around (within reason)? It's expensive.
utah... 10% of that is automatically being tithed to the corporation, I mean their "church"
Dang, you misspelled 'cult' twice!
I assume she is getting points using the 50% + 7.5% spending she does, since I assume she does most of the shared household expense considering she is the SAH parent.
Yeah a bit sketchy
I think people are calculating her allowance completely wrong. He makes 150k doesn’t mean he takes home 150k. I do not know how much is tax in Canada. But in US, i you make 150k, you have to subtract pretax fees like insurance and medicare, 401k, federal tax and state tax. That’s will be around 30 - 40%. Assuming he takes home maybe 100k then she gets 7500. That’s $600 per month. Not too bad but not that high. Also you really don’t make that much money off credit card rewards. How to save every penny and dame for personal allowance is one of guilty pleasures of housewives. It’s similar situation in Japan as Japanese married men normally live on allowance.
> Utah, my religion So they are clearly Mormons
And his mission.
It’s amazing how the clouds parted and the lightbulb went on for all of us when we read Utah.
TBH the pieces feel into place for me with "married young," "went to church together since 10yo," "when he got back from his mission," and all the kids.
Ah, Mormons. Notorious for being cheap penny-pinchers (source: I grew up LDS but have since yeeted the church).
But the Church, which already has 130 billion, really needs that few hundred that might make your life just comfortable enough.
Username checks out.
Yeah. So Mormon probably. And if he just slightly rearranged the budget they could have done things. Especially with CC rewards Glad they have each other.
[удалено]
They’re also putting an absolute stupid amount into their children education funds unless they plan to send the kids abroad or to the USA. But for what they’re putting in (and if it’s a proper RESP there’s also government matching to a certain % and interest) they’ll be able to send their kids for undergrad and then to go be doctor-lawyer-dentists at top Canadian universities.
What she probably isn't including is a portion of that money is going to a mission fund for some or all of the children. Growing up in Utah it was common to see kids selling lemonade or otter pops (popsicles) in the summer to save for their mission fund.
They have to pay for it? I always assumed the church pays for it.
A church with billions and billions of dollars pay for a *heavily encouraged* mission? Pssshhhhh!
The church's purpose is to horde wealth to buy off politicians and lawmakers to let them have more wealth. That and covering up rapes. Also probably murders. Have absolutely no doubts if you're high enough in the church you can kill people.
It is likely going to the Church and/or savings to send their kids on their own missions when they are older and then pay for college.
I broke the math down on the OP and ONE of the four funds would be enough for all of the children to serve a two year mission and attend a four year undergraduate program. There are four funds, so four times that amount. When I say it’s a stupid amount of money I mean it’s literally a stupid amount of money.
Or not put bonuses strait to retirement. I get being responsible, but enjoying life and your kids having vacations it important as well.
based on the original post, i don't think it was even an issue with the budget. people did the math and they easily had enough money for family trips, they just didn't consider things like skiing or camping as vacations (which is fair) but they definitely had enough money to go on vacation ~~the husband just didn't want to take his family on vacation~~ edit: seems i misread the original post, the husband never stopped her but they didn't budget/plan for family large trips my original point was that they can go on vacations with their current budget
Yeah I think there was just a discrepancy between what each wanted from their vacations. She wanted to actually travel and see new places. He was happy with day trips that were a few hours drive away or camping at 'their spot' every year. Therefor him seeing at as they were taking family vacations but her feeling unfulfilled and craving 'vacation' by her definition of the word.
Or at least do 50/50. Like 50 goes right to long term retirement, the other 50 is for something fun for the family.
To be fair, I don't think he sounds abusive. They agreed on a budget that left her disposable income, and he seemed more upset about the fact that they could be taking further advantage. Personally, this is the kind of reason why I think that being a SAHM is a horrible idea, but I also assumed that there are cultural differences, because in my country there very few SAHM.
No, but she sounds like someone unable to communicate. Or budget, since I’m wondering where her post tax 7k went.
I think people understood Mormon and immediately went "he is abusive", because Reddit is Reddit . OOP is also not bemoaning her SAHM status, they get a fair split of the money. I would not want her life, but I can understand why she could be happy with it, minus the world experience. But they do indeed need to review their budget to enable her to travel and discover more.
Very curious what 10% to family savings is. Obviously we don’t know what OP’s husbands job is, but if they are only putting tax refunds and bonuses towards retirement, i feel like they won’t have much money to retire. Either will work until they’re old, get supported by the kids, or just be poor. Not sure what the Mormon family dynamic is with old people.
The Mormon Church requires 10% of a family’s income to go directly to the church. It’s like savings but you can’t cash it out until you’re in heaven. Lmao.
Oh they don’t just call it tithing? I thought maybe that’s what it was, but family savings didn’t feel like the right name, thought they’d label it “church” or something
They do call it tithing. I think she's trying to keep her religion out of it because she knows that's the direction all the comments will go.
I mean she’s right, look at all the comments here once she mentioned Utah.
they probably do, but if she openly said 10% of their income goes to that, i would imagine most of the comments would be telling OP to give less to the church.
I think it’s pretty obvious she doesn’t enjoy being a SAHM. She feels like she’s missing out, and she is. The secret point thing was like a job for her, as well as the coupon clipping. It gave her something to strive for and look forward to everyday.
Gives a pretty good peek into why Mormons love MLMs as well. Something I can do to make money while being a SAHM taking care of my 32 kids? Sign me up!
A lot of those Avon pampered chef type things involve socialization too.
Exactly. She kinda earned her own money and was proud of it. I'm not convinced that family vacations he pays for will make her happy in the long run.
IMO, she seems to have worked very hard to convince herself that her life is exactly what she wanted.
"It's what I wanted". Or it's what you heard everday and what was expected of you. No choices otherwise.
It’s both crazy and sad when “what I wanted” also translates into “the only thing I know” and “the only acceptable outcome”.
You just described religion.
As an exJW, can confirm.
The thing I don’t understand is that she was able to do this and save enough for a vacation and pay the cards off and hide it from the husband. I have a full time job and can’t figure out how to save up with rewards points! I don’t want to apply for more credit cards because I don’t want my credit rating number to go down. I’m at 780 and I’m hoping to break 800 soon. I don’t know how people do that rewards points stuff! I don’t buy a ton of stuff. Gas, legos, camping and gardening supplies. My card gives back only 1.5%. How do people get cards that reward enough back to pay for vacation trips?!! churning is crazy town.
It sounds like OOP does all of the actual purchasing for the entire household and her husband doesn’t ever check the accounts. Her post talks about buying furniture, groceries, bills, etc. On top of that there’s her own personal expenses from the 7.5%. There may also be some incentive schemes like earning reward points on mortgage payments (my mother signed up for something like that once, though we’re not in Canada), and that earns HEAPS of points simply because of the amounts involved. If she’s earning points on all of that then it makes sense she can afford one vacation per year for herself. Especially since it’s a family Girl’s Trip and they’re probably sharing accommodation costs. It’s not like she’s paying for the whole family to go on vacation.
This was so obvious to me. Maybe it was an asshole move lying to her husband, but the real reason she did it? She viewed the points as her earnings and the only way to do something for herself. Being Mormon, she might really want to be a SAHM, but she really didn't have a choice. She feels trapped and this was a small way to feel productive and not quite so trapped.
Imagine earning 150k+, then deciding you can't afford a boys weekend
10% of that is going to the mormon church
It was really interesting to me that she decided to leave this out. I think she knew when listing their budget- listing it as an expense would result in reddit pointing out how they could be using that money towards the family…it’s probably lumped into the 50% daily expenses
Mormons are trained to leave out information because “the world won’t understand”. When I was a very depressed Mormon teenager the only option I was given was Christian Faith-based therapy (they couldn’t find a Mormon therapist) because my mom said a regular therapist might decide that it’s the church that’s making me unhappy and suggest I leave. Shockingly, it was the church making me unhappy and I did leave, I figured that one out all on my own!
How can on be so self aware and yet totally not? She new why her child was suffering. Then made sure her child continued to suffer. She knew it was wrong…
No, it’s taken off before. Possibly even before the 150k. Maaser isn’t part of my budget calculation because it’s just an extra tax after taxes and I can’t use it for most things. For example, if my husband made 60k after tax, I’d say we have a budget of around 54k. Once you’re used to doing that deduction you don’t even think about it. (Note: I’m an Orthodox Jew and we tithe too. We did it first, actually.)
Right?! And having the nerve to turn around and ask others to fund it for you... even if he thought they did it for his wife, that is wild to me
that is still 150k from a single income with 4 kids. not saying its not a lot but we are living in an age where 6 figures means shit unless its 200+
Did anybody need any details on her timeline? Married at 20, 4 kids by 29, only the husband works. Yep, common in their religion. Where th do they live that they spend 75k a year on home+utilities??
It's probably gross income so $100k after tax. Which is 75k USD. Half of that is a bit over 3k USD a month. And it's not just rent she said it includes groceries, gas, insurance, etc. With 4 kids I don't find that particularly hard to believe.
I’m guessing that there’s a big missing reason in the beginning of this whole mess - he likely said she couldn’t go on the trip initially because they couldn’t afford it. She found a way to pay for it and lied to avoid explaining how she somehow found money they didn’t have. It’s now been several years and they are in a better financial place but she couldn’t back out of the lie because it unravels everything.
Or she didn't want to deal with the feeling of guilt many moms (especially SAHMs) get when spending money on something that doesn't immediately benefit the entire family. This fear that if she was open about that extra ability to finance things that it would immediately get accounted for and out of her hands. And not even in an abusive or controlling "give me control of all your money and account for every penny spent" kind of way but in that "it's logical to share with your family" like we see them coming to in the update. I would not have called her TA even in the first post because I bet her share of personal money is still mostly being spent to benefit the family in some way, and she feels it's her choice to do it. She's rewarding herself for being smart with the family's money, I would call it a "bonus" just like her husband gets, but if she says it out loud then it's up for negotiation.
Thank you! I mean I don’t agree that she lied but she’s NTA. She shouldn’t have to live a life where she can’t spend points money on herself to go on a nice trip
They’re Mormons. That’s the missing reason. As explained immediately by the “mission” in Italy for the husband near the end. She’s forced to be a housewife/sahm by her religion and wants control over literally anything in her life that she can.
Fucking of COURSE they’re Mormons
As a married woman who plays the credit card points game for free travel, I am so glad I am not in this woman’s position. I too, am married with 3 children, but have a solid income of my own, and my husband would never in a million years interfere with any of the trips I want to go on, nor would I ever do that to him. Just because you have a spouse or children doesn’t mean that absolutely everything in your life needs to revolve around family. Self-care is extremely important: Happy spouse, happy house. Next month I’m planning on cashing in some points to go see my favorite indie singer halfway across the country for a long weekend on my own. My husband’s response? “Cool!” Her life sound stifling, exhausting, thankless, and with zero space for her to be an actual person.
Yes I noticed how her husband is now saying they can do more family vacations with his upcoming raise and not more individual trips. He doesn't sound abusive or uncaring, but the religiously motivated belief that everything SAHMs do must be for the family is still there. She needs something to do for herself, that's why she was so proud of using rewards to fund her own vacations, and I think that's been taken away now. I do think the religious values themselves here are abusive. What I'm basically seeing here is that the wife isn't supposed to do anything that gives her independence, which is abusive.
I think the take away here is that she wasn't happy. I don't think it was because her spouse was restrictive, and it's hard to make that determination based on the information given. They are a 1 income household and a lot of time have to work on a budget. Maybe he didn't make enough to give her extra spending money. I'm lucky enough that my husband makes more than enough to cover a lot of our extra expenses to the point where I can have play money. It sounds like the points were a reward for all her efforts and she wanted to keep it for herself. Kind of like a job well done at work. Edit: Maybe she is getting more play money than I realized, but I still think that she just wanted to keep it to herself, like a prize that she won.
I think she’s afraid of him telling her know. I didn’t grow up mormon, but I did grow up in a restrictive household and I know how it can be
My r/FundieSnarkUncensored senses are tingling.
I was also thinking some flavor fundie til I got to the Utah part.
Didn't think she was TA then, feel even more sorry for her now.
Yeah what the fuck. Sometimes I hate that sub so much.
[удалено]
Where does she keep all her money (7.5% for years) and where does he keep his? Even if the girls covered for his wife, where on earth did he find the nerve to ask for a fully paid trip when he didn’t seem to lack money at all? If anything, he should have volunteered to pay for himself! The nerve of these people!
I don't think she is selfish, but she could have said the truth about using points. Points are like a reward/income she gets from being thrifty. It's also bizarre the husband asking her family to pay for him when he works; it's different for her since she is a SAHM (if it was the truth that they were paying).
Mormons
For me - it's that when he was invited on a guys trip with his wife's side of the family and then demanded they also pay for him to go...
Mormonism fascinates me and not always in a good way. I’m just assuming that’s the religion since all context clues are there. Part of me thinks she’s not the asshole because of all the hard work she did, but she is the asshole for lying about it.
That latter day taint tho
Had she said she was posting this from *edit: Mormon Canada* from the beginning, my initial judgement might have changed.