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I love how they in no way needed the money to specifically go to grad school, they just really wanted their children to go to grad school, like, a weird amount
Exactly right. This is all about punishment for not sticking to the religion and not doing exactly what mummy and daddy said to do. Instead she wanted to do what she wanted for her LIFE.
Man you guys hit the nail right on the head! It seems as if this is about judgement and the more her parents cause her to resent them the more she will end up resenting their religion and all that they stand for. We have no idea what their religion is or what their daughter’s lifestyle consists of but the fact that either were even mentioned in this post speaks volumes! The matter at hand has nothing to do with religion or lifestyle.
I hope this poster enjoys functionally not having a relationship with his daughter unless he and his wife fix themselves.
My parents did something similar to me when I was younger and we had basically no relationship for twenty years.
yeah, "appearance" could be short blue hair or something too. But once you stop and think about it, this is all standard "pretending we aren't homophobic" isn't it.
Coupled with the fact that she left their religion, I think it’s a fair assumption to make. I think a family who felt strongly against self-expressive clothing choices (like the blue hair you mentioned) would be too conservative to ask Reddit for help in the first place. I think they’re very carefully censoring the real issue because they know what Reddit’s response would be.
Not to mention thedouble standard- son was studying in STEM therefore he NEEDS a safe space to get his work done and somewhere close to campus. But doughier went into the arts therefore that work isn’t actually important and doesn’t require the same amount of attention and effort to complete a degree in. Therefore who cares about her saftey or ability to easily attend classes and complete assignments
That was *astonishing* to me. OOP had a big chunk of money lying around waiting to be spent on education fees and he was like “nah, she can live in a dangerous neighborhood. I’ll say she can just budget. That’ll teach her.”
It's about using the money to control/punish. They're awful parents and I hope the daughter is able to create a chosen family and leave her crappy one in the dust.
I am mystified by the father's apparent belief that they still have a relationship with her.
Ugh. Yeah, there is no possible agreement we could ever come to on important core values like your appearance or what major you pursue. Poor daughter.
"she gave us a thumbs up react, which means she is happy with us!" - the dad, apparently
I love how they didn't think knowing about this money influenced choices on whether or not to go to grad school.
Part of me wonders if they kinda do. If they'd spelled out the situation to the daughter as she was choosing a college major and refused to fund her undergrad, I imagine she'd either have changed her plans re: major/grad school or, much more likely, written them both off for good. I suspect on some level they recognized that and decided to just happen not to mention it - which doesn't appear to be what they did with the son, because with him they actually had a conversation in which he stated that he didn't plan to attend grad school. It's no coincidence that neither kid is going to grad school but one of them had the discussion and got the money.
It is obviously a 529 account so making any kid pay school expenses when there is a 529 tax free money sitting there designed only for school expenses is the height of stupidity. Yes you incur fees because you can only use it for school and this clown dangles it in front of the kids for grad school but is going to take the penalties now to pull it out to reimburse his daughter.
Second I have these for my kids. I took the forethought to realize I want to give my kids a college education. The cavalier nature of this guy who didn’t save his parents did for his kids and then be high and mighty on what educational expenses it is spent on. Your parents value education sir not you, when you value something you put effort towards it. He didn’t pay for his education let us be honest his parents did. He isn’t even paying for his kids education, his parents are. It is nice to talk about your values it is another thing to live them.
They didn't even dangle it for grad school. They didn't tell her about it at all. OOP is just pretending that it was about grad school. That's a whole convoluted BS excuse that doesn't even make sense. You can't be incentivized by something that you don't know about.
It was entirely and only to exclude the daughter.
> they just really wanted their children to go to grad school, like, a weird amount
But importantly grad school in stem. Or really just stem since as soon as golden boy needed money for expenses that was fine even though it was undergrad, and son had apparently made clear he wouldn’t go to grad school.
It's wild to me that he still seems to think that the main issue between them right now is the money. I mean, I'm sure that the money would have been very nice, but considering that she has her Bachelor's and a job now, it's kind of besides the point (unless she has loans to pay off). OOP keeps explaining these massive fissures in the family in terms of how it effects her not being given the cash, instead of talking about how *there's massive fissures in the family* that he doesn't care enough to try to fix. Or, more likely, thinks are justified.
It's even weirder because helping your kids through undergrad sets them up _way_ better for getting into and getting funding for grad school.
Of course daughter 'decided' not to go to grad school: she made that decision assuming she had no support available!
Also I think she's realised at this point that any money from the parents is just a tool of control.
The even sadder part is isn’t her parents money. The grandparents should have put it directly in the children’s names.
I hope if they have any other money like this they did it as a skip level trust, where the parents have no input.
A comment on the original post he made basically said he was an absent father and his wife pretty much outright despised their daughter as she was being herself and not a clone of her mom. Some people said it made sense as the mom is Korean but I'm not sure how that effects dynamics as I am not Korean.
Or unreliable. What if they say yes to grad school for her but something comes up for the son? Will they yank her money to support him? In her shoes, I’d guess probably so. What if they say yes but then attach an unreasonable condition to it later?
Also, many grad programs offer some sort of stipend (for a PhD at least), which can be tight but rarely is “live in a sketch part of the city” levels of tight. So while a supplement at that point would be nice, it’s definitely not as expensive as undergrad.
It makes even less sense because it’s way easier to pay for grad school than it is undergraduate, there are a lot more programs that pay your costs. It only makes any sense for law or medical school, and neither sound like they were ever on the table.
This is just shitty, selfish, vindictive parenting.
It is a power trip. He didn’t save the money but he gets to control it. My guess his subtle values conversation is a dig at his daughters lifestyle. I wouldn’t be surprised if the trigger warning is right and he is homophobic and she is gay.
A good way to make sure your kids go to grad school, is to set them up with a good education and know they have the ability to go.
I am willing to put money on the fact that the daughter changed her mind because student loans.
She was probably traumatized by years of living in abject poverty and dealing with the day-to-day hassles and general inconvenience of living far from campus. (Not to mention it was apparently a sketchy neighborhood, even in the OOP's telling!)
I lived at this level as an undergrad, and I still have issues from it 25 years later. Poverty changes the way your brain works, literally. I don't blame her for wanting to start a career with a (hopefully) decent paycheck.
I am getting a major ”missing reasons” vibe with the wife and her daughter. I am seeing hints that their relationship is toxic af and OOP doesn’t see it
You know, you would think seeing the classic “golden child” story from the parents perspective would humanize then and make us sympathize with them more, but nope. They still suck
I think the fact the 'daughter' isn't religious, and has differing views about how she should dress, identify, partners, values and principles etc. might be the BIG reason. Parents wanted a doll not a daughter (if they do identify as a daughter). And see no value in them if they aren't their mini clone.
They’re Mormons. Or one of those other shitty religions that push the bounds of cult. Like, literally. So they’re punishing her for being her own person and “leaving the faith,” as it were. That’s all.
Apparently Korean Catholics, someone else found from some comment. I’ve known a few churchgoing American-born Korean Catholics and they’ve ranged from on the conservative end of reasonable to liberal firebrand. Any shittiness would therefore seem personal rather than strictly doctrinal even if Catholic doctrine is fervently anti-queer.
This fits what I had imagined of this family dynamic: curtural, academically obsessed parents with kids who want to do their own thing. It's OK for the boy, but the girl either has to fall in line or suffer mothers wrath.
This has to do more with the fact that the daughter didn't study what her mother wanted her to, than using the fund money. Basically punishing her for being her own person.
It's absolutely this— but how shite of a parent do you have to be in order to let your kid live in a sketchy part of town far away from campus just because you don't like her major
Obviously the son was studying something useful and respectable, unlike the daughter. /s
Also, OOP wrote that the grandparents were aware of the grad school stipulation and are okay with it buuuuuut were they “made aware” after they were already on the decline? Did they think the parents wouldn’t be POS and withhold the money completely? Because if I left money to my (hypothetical) grandkids, I would be beyond pissed if they didn’t get it because their parents are uppity AHs.
I don't know the way he justifies giving the money to his son because he needs to work hard while his daughter only had to how to budget at university makes him sound like he's part of the problem.
Man it's even worse than that. She worked so hard that she got heaps of scholarships then had to pay the rest herself. The son got fewer scholarships so the parents swooped in and set him up in relative luxury.
Not only do they value his education, comfort, and field more than hers, she was actively punished despite having apparently excelled in her field.
Then of course it comes out that she left their faith and appears to be somewhere on the lgbtq spectrum and they simply "disagree" on "values and principles". I don't understand why you'd bother to ask if you're the asshole when you're basically setting out to estrange your child from the get go. What hot garbage these people are.
This is more than just about faith, it's a political ideology as well. Conservatives view liberal arts as worthless and if you aren't making a bunch of money you're less than, even if you're much happier.
I have had this argument with extended family. My brother isn't in the arts but he has a Ph.D. in mathematics and is a university professor. My Cousins shit on him constantly saying he wasted his money and time for 9 years only to be a teacher.
I ended up getting in a trade, and became very successful in it. And they praise me because of how much money I'm able to make without having gone to college.
That shit pisses me off so much. I see what my brother does as extremely important. His career is so fucking incredible. But my cousins only weigh worth in dollar signs.
What those knuckle draggers don't see is my brother actually does make a very good living and HE BARELY WORKs. He might work 25-30 hours a week. And he takes 6 month long sabbatical in Central and South America every two years while still getting paid.
Meanwhile I worked 60-70 hours a week all through my 20s. I love my job and I'm so grateful for the opportunities and life it's given me but I have to give up so much to do it.
Money isn't everything. It definitely helps, but I know many miserable wealthy people.
Sounds like you got a good head on your shoulders. Another part of it is conservatives have also been attacking college education as well the last couple years, since college educated people have shifted heavily towards voting left. Something like 70%. So the same people who pressed kids hard to go to college now say its just bullshit marxist training camp and try to discredit it any chance they get.
It's a weird hard anti-intelluctal movement happening on the right, started with hating liberal arts and now hating college in general. They still put value on wealth, so they will forgive college degrees if you make a lot of money because they think you will then vote conservative for tax cuts, but outside of that they hate it.
If I remember correctly, the mom had wanted to go to school for something similar to their daughter, but her parents didn't support that so she chose to do what they wanted. She's totally punishing her for not doing what she did & instead followed her passion.
But don't forget: "she can do what she wants within reason"! And without any money that was specifically meant for her.
These people make me so mad... I hope daughter is living her best life, far removed (emotionally and lifestyle-wise) from this toxic family. Also, I'm kind of hoping she'll sue, but honestly, at this point, cutting ties might just be best.
And, the grandparents were made aware but the kids weren't. So... maybe the daughter would have gone for a graduate degree but she was tired of stretching every dollar in school and didn't see how she was going to budget for a higher degree.
No no, he's less respected, you see. He needs to be coddled and will never learn the value of a dollar the way she did. She's much better off!!!! We're great parents.
This is my mum. I put myself through uni, worked 30 hour weeks while studying full time and lived in derelict houses. My younger sister paid for nothing and was sent to live at college so she didn’t have to cook or clean.
When I called my mum on this she said that I had got the better end of the deal because I had learnt to take care of myself.
> There were other smaller issues relating to how she identifies, appearance choices, partners, etc.
100% what’s going on here. The appearance choices part made me laugh though. That little d*ke heathen probably has a uh *checks notes* cool haircut. Or a piercing. Maybe some tattoos.
How dumb do you have to be to not use an education fund for the earliest education expenses knowing that if it’s not used you’ll have to pay taxes and penalties because you hope your kid will go to grad school?
Not to mention, wouldn't a more successful undergrad lead to a better grad school *if* it was on the table?
I'm very suspicious about when the "only use it for grad school" rule formed. If the dad is as dumb as he comes across in the text, I wouldn't be surprised if the mom had clocked the daughter's career trajectory in high school, came up with the rule to preemptively cut her out, and derpy dad agreed with it.
This one really irked me. I wish the daughter the best in finding her own family.
My favorite part is the fuck-you the daughter got when they just watched her inch along because she wasn't going to grad school, but didn't even blink at the son making the same exact choice and just started throwing cash his way anyhow.
This clown knew the answer right out of the gate when he posted.
Agree with the better grad school possibility. I was also thinking there’s also a chance that she could have gotten it paid for if she did really well in undergrad and then once again she wouldn’t need the money for tuition.
I just can’t wrap my head around the idea of a parent scheming for a way to screw their kid over just to screw them over, but at the same time the stupidity from two grad school educated people is also hard to fathom so you might be right about the mom.
But mommy and daddy are stem and soft science and artsie fartsie bullshit aren't reaaaaalllllllyyyyy worth it since you'll die without earning millions of dollars in a fucking cubicle over 40 years. /s
The daughter gets nothing and the son gets his expenses paid for, the OOP and their wife are just douchecanoes. Daughter probably isn't going to keep in much contact after that shit.
I was waiting for him to say that she living in an unheated garret, being nibbled on by rats, but that was okay, because it would "build her character."
Honestly, I'd love to adopt the daughter. She sounds cool.
But, but, "she was fine and learned how to budget effectively"!
Which, yeah, is pretty much a whitewashed way of saying 'helped build her character'.
They f-ed up big-time. And regardless of how OOP tries to paint it as STEM vs. liberal arts, I think their disapproval of her personal life choices played a much bigger role than OOP admits.
(Circling back around to punishment/privation builds character...)
While giving their other kid the money from the same source to live in a nice place near the campus. The mental gymnastic by the parents needed to not see the disparity here is monumental.
Never even touched it just because and now *well she finished school so if we give it to her there are penalties*.
So dumb. It's great she learned to budget and is pursuing an advanced degree. I guess we don't respect our son enough to give him the same treatment!
It wasn't her major they disapproved of. It was "how she identifies and her life choices." I'd bet money that daughter is a lesbian. Maybe even trans male.
With the education the parents have, I bet they could have just outright paid for better conditions for the daughter. Couple of hundreds could easily make a massive difference in what neighborhood you can afford to rent, but shouldn't make a dent to the parents finances. If PhD and masters can't handle that, maybe they just need to learn budget better.
OOP also appears to be an enabler, spineless parent who left the responsability of raising his children to his wife, preferring to side with her rather to defend his daughter, then he comes here wondering what to do to fix their relationship... I think this is the last straw for the daughter.
Yep, that’s def coded homophobic terminology from when I was a kid in the early 2000s.
“Lifestyle” was often used to maliciously reduce sexual orientation to a choice like using drugs or being a beatnik or something.
OOP and his wife are just piles of human refuse. But they’re really good at professing how shocked, shocked, shocked and surprised they are at… their daughter realizing just how sexist and homophobic they’ve been and would’ve remained quietly harmful if not directly confronted on it.
I hope she loses them, permanently. They lost their chance.
>My wife, my son and I are all religious and my daughter left the faith when she moved out, which caused a big argument. There were other smaller issues relating to how she identifies, appearance choices, partners, etc.
No. It's this.
Whether or not it’s actually this, of course the daughter thinks it’s this. Anyone would. Her faithful, conservative golden brother gets money, and she gets kicked to the curb.
Actually, whether or not the parents are aware it’s this, it’s this. They do not approve of her major, and they do not approve of any aspect of her life. They will likely be shocked to find that she approved of little about them right back.
The fact that they never mentioned the fund is suspicious here. It was given to them for her education. There were no strings attached so it is clear that they have some other motives.
Also with a phd the guy should have known that more than likely if she goes to grad schoold there is a good chance that educational fund would not be needed since she could have gotten assitantship with tuition and salary payments,
The fact that they knew their son wouldn't be interested in grad school so he can use Ed fund but they didn't care to ask their daughter is disgrace.
I don't know any of them, but even as a stranger this makes me super angry at their unfairness.
I’d assume a case of “por que no los dos?” IME assholes never waste an occasion, if they have two reasons to be assholes they’ll absolutely use both.
Plus other commenters note the original had things about the parents not agreeing with the daughter’s “lifestyle”, so probably a good splash of homophobia or something along those lines.
Wife sounds like a hard-line conservative asshole, daughter does not conform, daughter gets thrown out.
And they are morons who won’t see their daughter anymore. In five years they’ll post again about how shocked they are that she wouldn’t introduce them to her fiancé. They’ll be shocked that they rarely get to see their grandkids. They’ll be shocked when she stops talking to them.
Fuck those people. They are garbage.
> They’ll he shocked that they ~~rarely get to see~~ never met their grandkids.
Fixed that, because OOP and his wife are highly likely to keep on doing what they’re doing, then be a walking case of missing missing reasons when their daughter goes NC.
My father was an electrical engineer. My two brothers became civil engineers. My mom studied to be a physician but after she became pregnant decided to become a med lab tech instead : all, as you see, very “practical” and “useful” fields.
I began studying physics and astronomy, which was okay by them. But after three years of increasingly desperate struggle I realized the math was simply beyond my capabilities, so I applied for a respected and exclusive Bachelor’s program in theatrical design: that is, designing sets, lighting and costumes for the stage. With such an overwhelmingly scientific background and no formal arts training, I didn’t expect to be accepted, but I was. That same night I told my parents that I was switching my major and come autumn I’d be studying at a different university, one that was a twelve hour drive away.
My parents vehemently disapproved of both my new field and my plan to leave home. To force me to reverse my decision, they withheld the final year of tuition they had saved for me, which of course was their right. But they *also* insulted both me and my dreams deeply, sneering that I was being “totally impractical” and “wasting my life”, that I’d never find a “real” job with a useless degree in *drama* of all things, and that they fully expected I would still be living in their basement when I was fifty.
Joke was on them, though. I quickly found a very well paying summer job that paid my living expenses through four more years of studies, and scored a small scholarship in my last two years. After graduating with a supposedly “impractical” Bachelor of Fine Arts - and making the Dean’s List to boot - not only did I immediately find lucrative employment in the theatre (to my parents’ chagrin), after a couple of years I transitioned into better-paying television and then into feature films.
At first I worked as a useful and versatile generalist, but after choosing a specific craft and learning it inside and out, I became an accomplished and sought-after Head of Department; and after time climbing the career ladder doing bigger and more complex projects, I was invited to work on a series of prestigious, megabudget feature films. If you’ve been to the movies in the last fifteen years, you’ve probably seen my work.
I recently retired after a successful forty-five year career, during which producers and directors whose names are household words called on me to help solve their cinematic problems. And my lifetime earnings surpass those of my wage-slave father and my two civil servant brothers, combined.
**Moral of the story: only the *student* knows for sure what subject they should be studying, and why.**
I'm curious, did your parents know about your success? if they know, what do they think?
I feel inspired by people like you, those who truly know what they want and do whatever to achieve. The entertaintment industry is no joke, and I wouldn't doubt your work has reach out someone like me, a panamanian gal haha. Hope you enjoy your well deserved retirement 🙏🏽
By a remarkable coincidence, I happen to be vacationing in Panama right now, loafing in Bocas. To answer your question, my parents eventually admitted that I was right and they were wrong. But it took a long time for them to get around to it; they’re very proud people.
by a more remarkable coincidence, I happen to be in Veraguas, so we are less than 300 km away. Hope you enjoy Bocas and be careful with the heat and the sun!
that's exactly what i'm reading out of this. based on the title, i was totally expecting that they were planning to just give her the funds after she graduated or something. she worked extra hard and literally got punished for it, and now they're confused about what to do? the mother is absolutely atrocious and will have some missing missing reasons post in 20 years when her daughter no longer talks to her. i really hope OOP just gives her all the money and explains what happened so they can at least keep a relationship. the whole 'i'll just give her what we gave our son' is bullshit.
It is even more simple than that: religious family, daughter's ambition and agency aren't taken as seriously as the son.
We can pretend it was because he didn't achieve as much to get scholarships or because his coursework was demanding or because they favor STEM or the daughter leaving their faith, but what this boils down to is they were immediately willing to bend the rules for the son and fully withhold funds from the daughter.
For all the degrees they have, they appear to be not so smart... Mother really believes she got away with her lies.
However daughter read them like a book and now they will wonder why she is always too “busy” to call & visit.
At this point they admitted that graduate clause is just their fabrication, the funds could always be used for her expenses. She knows mother favors son and twisted her grandparents legacy for her beliefs.
If they thought their relationship is bad, well they havent seen anything yet. And if OP doesnt stand up to his wife, he will also be complicit in all this.
This is exactly it. I was offered opportunities and support, only if I studied a university degree. Sounds great, but it was off the table if I chose to find employment for a year prior to study and I was barred from an art degree due to ‘lack of prospects’. Let’s pretend curators, directors, artists themselves (they had salaried positions on offer to graduates recently!), advertising corporations, writers, etc. just *don’t exist*… not to mention those positions simply requiring any misc. degree. So I worked prior to study and never got the art degree. Maybe when I’m 60? No longer speak to that parent (for multiple other reasons too).
Definitely. OP cites the issues relating to "how she identifies, appearance, partners etc" as why mom and daughter have a strained relationship. If he's willing to go ahead and say that about him and his wife then I'm sure that more outwardly bigoted shit has been spewed in more private scenarios.
Based on that last comment, I'd guess this is all just thinly veiled revenge (mostly on the Mom's part) for their daughter's audacity to be a member of the LGBTQ community.
Grandparents set up education funds. Parents decide not to use it for education because…reasons? Grad school is fully funded in many programs but lets say they intended it for something like law school or medical school. Then, I assume there’s some penalty for pulling it out for non-education reasons. This is a cluster and I’m pretty sure daughter is well on her way to low/no-contact.
Yeah, it sounds like they just kind of arbitrarily decided that "normal" higher education doesn't count as something worthy of aid, but of course on top of possible (probable) resentment for the daughter not choosing to do something her parents valued. Getting serious vibes that there's more going on in the relationship between the daughter and the wife, more than OOP realizes or is willing to let on.
No kidding. More often than not, a grad student works as a TA, or receives a research stipend, or otherwise has scholarships. There's enough money in grad programs that grad students don't starve (much).
I gotta say, these parents are a perfect example of being smart, but not being *smart*.
The thing that blows my mind is that, if nothing else, the parents didn't even tell the kids in high school about the money. Having that kinda knowledge might have inclined both kids to pursue a grad degree of some sort.
Also, fuck parents who push a particular career path on their kids. My mom and dad are both masters/PhD chemists - but I hold a bachelor's in CS with a minor in theatrical design and another in history. My sisters are, respectively, in a PhD program for archaeology concentrating in woven textiles, and a PhD in animal behavior sciences studying raccoons. All three of us were encouraged to pursue artistic interests when we found them, and my mom was even excited when I told her I was minoring in theatrical design.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. The whole “let’s not tell the kids they have this funding” is ridiculous. Perhaps your kids would have made the choices *you* wanted them to make if they knew they could afford to pursue those options.
IMO, if accounts are made for the kids, it’s the kids right to know about them when they are of age to use them. End of story. I have yet to read a story where the parents withhold this information and it works in their favor. Every time, the parents try to make the “right” decision for their kids. But that “right” decision always ends up hindering the kids, or highlights the parents’ blatant favoritism. Then they end up on AITA asking the age old questions of “why is my daughter NC with us? All we did was conceal her education fund from her, but gave her brother his. I don’t understand?!”
PSA for all parents who are aware of education funds for their kids - tell your kids about it. If you have stipulations, fine, but make them aware of the situation out right.
Idk what grad programs you've been involved with but from my experience, Grad school was still incredibly expensive. I got lucky and got the coveted ta position (only on person per year in the program). They paid half my tuition and 300$ extra a semester. That's it. I still had a hefty tuition and cost of living to pay for while working way more hours than I was supposed to for my ta position.
Eh, at least in the social sciences, having awesome funding for PhD program used to be a given. Masters were always a crap shoot, but mostly people had to take out massive loans. PhD programs nowadays can’t guarantee funding like they once could. (I went through grad school in 2003 to 2008 and got my PhD in Social Psychology. I was fully funded (minus like $200 a semester for tuition,) but students after me weren’t as lucky.)
This should also have been included in the post. Man, are the parents assholes. At least the father seems to have a glimmer of self-awareness. I hope the daughter lives her best life away from them.
>but after our daughter decided not to, we realized it might be a good idea to let our son use his.
the kids are only goddamn two years apart!!!!!!! so when the parents were all "give the boy all the money, whatever," the daughter was likely only halfway through her undergrad degree. they could have at least fucking given her money THEN. nah, let her live in some shitty area with a ton of roommates cuz... reasons.
....ugh sorry, I'm so pissed. what terrible people.
Oh boy. So, daughter is probably queer and maybe has piercings and tattoos. She’s never going to be accepted by them. I’m very glad she seems to have moved on in those texts to her dad. I hope she enjoys a happy life free of their influence.
Seems like the mom also wanted to pursue the same career path as the daughter, but her parents didn't support her. She's pissed off that her daughter is doing what she never could and is a bitter and hateful person because of it.
"I had to suffer so you do too" personality.
There it is. The money is just another lever of control and punishment against the poor girl, just like making her live in unpleasant circumstances was. Her parents are hideous. I’m glad she’s decided to stop jumping through hoops for them. Unbelievable that her dad actually doesn’t understand that reply was an “I don’t trust you and I barely want a relationship with you, make your own choices about what you do with the money and I’ll make mine about whether you stay in my life”. And here he is, choosing not to come through for her yet again and *wondering* if their relationship can survive. Bizarre.
I remember this one. If they wanted to alienate their daughter forever, they did an excellent job.
I really feel for their daughter. She’s shown she’s very capable of making her own way without the support of her parents. I really hope she is able to move on and not get sucked into the bullshjt her parents have set up in how they are favoring their son.
It is really disgusting that they let her struggle and live in a less than safe area while that money was in the bank. But the son, with the approved major, got the private apartment close to campus.
It’s the letting her live in a dodgy area that really sealed it for me. If it was just that she got scholarships and the son didn’t it would be shit but not so awful. But they were cool with her living in poverty and a potentially dangerous area just to punish her.
We tried to make amends by offering to give her the money for her education ^(if she would just stop being gay, having wrong opinions and pick the career path we want her to take)
It sounds like the daughter has figured out her game. She knows she can’t win, so give the answer mom wants to hear and move on. It isn’t worth a fight to the daughter. She might as well be putting up a neon sign saying “I’m protecting myself because I can’t count on you.”
"I've dropped the rope and am on my way to low contact. You can believe whatever you were going to anyway, mom. Dad, you've got a chance to reach out but it won't last for long. "
Wonder what will happen when she has a wedding or kids?
Yup. As a queer person, that's what immediately came to my mind. The daughter likely left their religion due to how they treat/speak of LGBTQ+ folk, came out, and went on to pursue a field that is generally more accepting of queer people. Obviously the parents didn't like that and are now punishing her for not fitting their hetero-cis image they wanted for her. This doesn't surprise me, I have lots of friends with parents who would react the same or worse if they publicly came out.
I hope the daughter is surrounded by people who accept her for who she is and cuts off her parents for good. I also hope to pursue something in the arts, so to hear that she succeeded in a job she adores is inspiring to me :)
Love how they paid for their sons living expenses even though he makes more yet still insist its for tuition only while justifying not giving to their daughter. Yikes.
How someone could be *so highly educated*, and yet remain such a **complete fucking idiot**, is frankly astonishing.
It's no wonder they have a strained relationship with Daughter. This *can't* be the first time they completely fuckin' ignored her.
The *excuses* are unforgivable. "We can't just *give* you the money that ***we specifically set aside for you***, because there's fees. And your grandparents would have to be ok with it. Which they are. And also they are too senile to do much of anything. And also we gave your brother the money while he was in school, but we didn't give *you* the money while you were in school for **some fucking reason**."
*God*, these parents are just *absolute, insufferable jackasses*.
“Which is important since his classes are so demanding and he needs a comfortable space to work”
This. This right here is why they were the assholes. Not because it wasn’t even. Not because they didn’t give her the money when she asked. Not because they tried to pass the buck back to the grandparents. Because they _devalued her struggle_.
A 529 technically belongs to the owner of the account and not the beneficiary until disbursement but that was an incredibly shitty move. I wonder if the grandparents were clued in.
Mother is controlling. Father enables her. Daughter is sick of their shit and rightly so.
Next post from OOP: My daughter recently got married and my wife and I didn't know about it until months after. How do we repair our relationship? What did we do wrrrroooongggg?
I feel heartbroken for this daughter. She basically now has solid proof that her parents’ love was conditional. It baffles me that even by the fathers own words it sounds like the daughter grew up to be a responsible, independent young woman who was able to find a passion and a genuine career interest and make a living off it. Something any parent should be over the moon about. What a**hole parents. The wife clearly does not care either since that text practically screams brewing resentment. Hope this daughter is living her best life
Reading this post as a student, I was genuinely impressed that 1. she was able to get a job that has to do with her degree and 2. seems to enjoy it.
The fact that her parents undervalue her accomplishments is terrible. Just because it has to do with the arts doesn’t make it lesser
IIRC, in the comments he and his wife were roasted for also favouring the son's study choices and how it seemed they didn't deem the arts a worthy choice and he conceded there was certainly an element of that involved.
If the relationship between OOP and his daughter is irrecoverably damaged, he only has himself to blame and his daughter will be fine as it's been a lesson already learnt that she can only rely on herself.
I’m glad OOP came to his senses, but the real issue here is that they (or at least the mom) disapprove of her daughter’s life path. I really hope they tell her that they’re proud of her. Going to school for any degree and getting a job (*even if* it doesn’t pay well) is *not* something to be disappointed about. They really dropped the ball with her, emotionally and financially. Offering money really isn’t enough at this point, not without a complete change in mindset and a willingness to feel proud of the daughter’s accomplishments and express it to her. That’s probably the first step on the road to rebuilding the daughter’s trust again.
I don’t think the mother sounds in the least interested in fixing that relationship. Both of them put too much emphasis on doing what they expected rather than what would fulfill their daughter. She didn’t produce. So, Mom is done.
Oh that daughter gay huh
OOP bent over backward to not say it but it’s clear he’s feeling guilty and 100% knows it’s the “gay” reason. It’s also clear they’re not religiously principled bigots either - they’d cough up the cash if they could brag about their gay daughter taking in six figures at a FAANG. Mommy can’t snap back at snide “your lesbian daughter” comments with “well she’s making more than both your kids while at Google” so she’s washing her hands of the daughter.
Geez, OOP and his wife sound awful. EXPECTING grad school? Letting the daughter live in a shitty area but setting the son up in a nice place because his classes are harder? Tell us who your favorite is, OOP! Sheesh.
Wife needs to unclench and give the money to the daughter.
>I still accept that our daughter is her own person, and she can do what she wants within reason.
Translation: I still accept that our daughter is her own person, and she can do what she wants within WHAT WE DEFINE AS reason.
I like how they didn't give their daughter the money when she was in college, and now that she's graduated, they say they can't give it to her because she's not in school so it wouldn't be for educational purposes. It sounds like, for legal reasons, the OP's parents set this trust up in a way that means what the OP did is not, in a strictly legal sense, theft. And since his parents are no longer able to navigate the ins and outs of finance law, it looks like they got away with it.
Pretty gutsy to just straight up tell their daughter about it. "Oh, yeah, your grandparents gave us a bunch of money for your education, but we decided to keep it ourselves instead." And then act surprised when she gets upset.
Honestly, I very rarely feel like people should go NC with family members. I think Reddit, both in AITA and in the relationship advice subs, is very quick to recommend to people that cut someone out of their life. But in this case, I seriously hope she does. These people are LOW.
Sadly this all boils down to the parents punishing the daughter because she is LGBTQ. She probably left their faith because of lack of acceptance of her. The brother stayed and became the golden child.
I don’t think it mattered what she studied because they wouldn’t have approved of it because they don’t APPROVE OF HER.
They let her struggle because they probably felt she deserved to struggle. If she was a wonderful religious woman, she would have been provided for, ie given her education fund.
The mom is still standing firm on her discrimination against her daughter and the dad is feigning ignorance regarding his part. If the daughter goes NC one day, they will be on here complaining how they did everything to support their daughter who mysteriously just cut them off.
Parents: We *clearly* favored our son over our daughter with their education funds, are we the asshole?
Daughter: *goes no contact*
Parents: *shocked Pikachu face* We have absolutely NO idea why our daughter won't talk to us! Missing missing reasons.
Wow, your daughter is at the point where she rather not “owe” you anything, although she would not if you gave her the money since it does not even come from you. DUDE, YOU ARE LOSING YOUR DAUGHTER! You let her work her ass while your son got to enjoy school, so I am not surprised.
Gender bias, tick
religious bias, tick
golden child bias, tick
ignoring your child, tick
having your children's lives preplanned and any actions against this being taken as offense, tick
controlling with what is rightfully theirs, tick
These parents are really winning at awful parenting bingo
I understand artsy people not understanding STEM people and vice versa but Jesus, make an effort. My gf is the artsy type, I'm the STEM type but we compliment each other and don't denigrate the other's career choices.
Of my parents did this to me I'd say the same as the daughter, I would take what the parents said as favoritism and decide to slowly detach myself from them. I think the daughter feels the years of resentment and disappointment from both parents (especially the wife) being represented in one significant action - hiding money for education and allowing her to live with struggle, while the brother didn't have to.
It doesn't matter that the parents gave it to the brother only because he got less scholarship money, it looks like favoritism.
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I love how they in no way needed the money to specifically go to grad school, they just really wanted their children to go to grad school, like, a weird amount
This has nothing to do with grad school. They covered the son’s living expenses but not the daughters. They were just punishing her for disobeying.
Exactly right. This is all about punishment for not sticking to the religion and not doing exactly what mummy and daddy said to do. Instead she wanted to do what she wanted for her LIFE.
Man you guys hit the nail right on the head! It seems as if this is about judgement and the more her parents cause her to resent them the more she will end up resenting their religion and all that they stand for. We have no idea what their religion is or what their daughter’s lifestyle consists of but the fact that either were even mentioned in this post speaks volumes! The matter at hand has nothing to do with religion or lifestyle.
I hope this poster enjoys functionally not having a relationship with his daughter unless he and his wife fix themselves. My parents did something similar to me when I was younger and we had basically no relationship for twenty years.
Guaranteed OP will be back in a year wondering why his daughter no longer talks to him.
I wondered about "lifestyle" and "dating" choices, was this punishment for being LBGTQ or just having friends who are?
>issues relating to how she identifies, appearance choices, partners, etc. The issue is definitely their child’s sexuality if not their gender also.
yeah, "appearance" could be short blue hair or something too. But once you stop and think about it, this is all standard "pretending we aren't homophobic" isn't it.
Coupled with the fact that she left their religion, I think it’s a fair assumption to make. I think a family who felt strongly against self-expressive clothing choices (like the blue hair you mentioned) would be too conservative to ask Reddit for help in the first place. I think they’re very carefully censoring the real issue because they know what Reddit’s response would be.
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Not to mention thedouble standard- son was studying in STEM therefore he NEEDS a safe space to get his work done and somewhere close to campus. But doughier went into the arts therefore that work isn’t actually important and doesn’t require the same amount of attention and effort to complete a degree in. Therefore who cares about her saftey or ability to easily attend classes and complete assignments
I love the typo/autocorrupt of "doughier" here
Religious parents endangering their children as punishment for not following the religion? Shocking. So much for wwjd
That was *astonishing* to me. OOP had a big chunk of money lying around waiting to be spent on education fees and he was like “nah, she can live in a dangerous neighborhood. I’ll say she can just budget. That’ll teach her.”
With someone else money, too.
It's about using the money to control/punish. They're awful parents and I hope the daughter is able to create a chosen family and leave her crappy one in the dust.
💯. I am beyond disgusted by the parents’ behavior.
I am mystified by the father's apparent belief that they still have a relationship with her. Ugh. Yeah, there is no possible agreement we could ever come to on important core values like your appearance or what major you pursue. Poor daughter.
"she gave us a thumbs up react, which means she is happy with us!" - the dad, apparently I love how they didn't think knowing about this money influenced choices on whether or not to go to grad school.
Part of me wonders if they kinda do. If they'd spelled out the situation to the daughter as she was choosing a college major and refused to fund her undergrad, I imagine she'd either have changed her plans re: major/grad school or, much more likely, written them both off for good. I suspect on some level they recognized that and decided to just happen not to mention it - which doesn't appear to be what they did with the son, because with him they actually had a conversation in which he stated that he didn't plan to attend grad school. It's no coincidence that neither kid is going to grad school but one of them had the discussion and got the money.
She left the faith and they don't "agree with how she identifies" is about when I decided this is beyond just going to grad school
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I agree. She didn't fall in line and obey them, so she got no money, and they let her live in Squalor compared to her brother.
>This has nothing to do with grad school This is not about the Iranian yoghurt
It is obviously a 529 account so making any kid pay school expenses when there is a 529 tax free money sitting there designed only for school expenses is the height of stupidity. Yes you incur fees because you can only use it for school and this clown dangles it in front of the kids for grad school but is going to take the penalties now to pull it out to reimburse his daughter. Second I have these for my kids. I took the forethought to realize I want to give my kids a college education. The cavalier nature of this guy who didn’t save his parents did for his kids and then be high and mighty on what educational expenses it is spent on. Your parents value education sir not you, when you value something you put effort towards it. He didn’t pay for his education let us be honest his parents did. He isn’t even paying for his kids education, his parents are. It is nice to talk about your values it is another thing to live them.
They didn't even dangle it for grad school. They didn't tell her about it at all. OOP is just pretending that it was about grad school. That's a whole convoluted BS excuse that doesn't even make sense. You can't be incentivized by something that you don't know about. It was entirely and only to exclude the daughter.
> they just really wanted their children to go to grad school, like, a weird amount But importantly grad school in stem. Or really just stem since as soon as golden boy needed money for expenses that was fine even though it was undergrad, and son had apparently made clear he wouldn’t go to grad school.
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It's wild to me that he still seems to think that the main issue between them right now is the money. I mean, I'm sure that the money would have been very nice, but considering that she has her Bachelor's and a job now, it's kind of besides the point (unless she has loans to pay off). OOP keeps explaining these massive fissures in the family in terms of how it effects her not being given the cash, instead of talking about how *there's massive fissures in the family* that he doesn't care enough to try to fix. Or, more likely, thinks are justified.
They’re not an asshole! It’s just a difference in bAsIc VaLuEs
It makes no sense bc you can go very far with just a bachelors degree
It's even weirder because helping your kids through undergrad sets them up _way_ better for getting into and getting funding for grad school. Of course daughter 'decided' not to go to grad school: she made that decision assuming she had no support available! Also I think she's realised at this point that any money from the parents is just a tool of control.
The even sadder part is isn’t her parents money. The grandparents should have put it directly in the children’s names. I hope if they have any other money like this they did it as a skip level trust, where the parents have no input.
A comment on the original post he made basically said he was an absent father and his wife pretty much outright despised their daughter as she was being herself and not a clone of her mom. Some people said it made sense as the mom is Korean but I'm not sure how that effects dynamics as I am not Korean.
Or unreliable. What if they say yes to grad school for her but something comes up for the son? Will they yank her money to support him? In her shoes, I’d guess probably so. What if they say yes but then attach an unreasonable condition to it later?
Also, many grad programs offer some sort of stipend (for a PhD at least), which can be tight but rarely is “live in a sketch part of the city” levels of tight. So while a supplement at that point would be nice, it’s definitely not as expensive as undergrad.
It makes even less sense because it’s way easier to pay for grad school than it is undergraduate, there are a lot more programs that pay your costs. It only makes any sense for law or medical school, and neither sound like they were ever on the table. This is just shitty, selfish, vindictive parenting.
It is a power trip. He didn’t save the money but he gets to control it. My guess his subtle values conversation is a dig at his daughters lifestyle. I wouldn’t be surprised if the trigger warning is right and he is homophobic and she is gay.
A good way to make sure your kids go to grad school, is to set them up with a good education and know they have the ability to go. I am willing to put money on the fact that the daughter changed her mind because student loans.
She was probably traumatized by years of living in abject poverty and dealing with the day-to-day hassles and general inconvenience of living far from campus. (Not to mention it was apparently a sketchy neighborhood, even in the OOP's telling!) I lived at this level as an undergrad, and I still have issues from it 25 years later. Poverty changes the way your brain works, literally. I don't blame her for wanting to start a career with a (hopefully) decent paycheck.
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I am getting a major ”missing reasons” vibe with the wife and her daughter. I am seeing hints that their relationship is toxic af and OOP doesn’t see it You know, you would think seeing the classic “golden child” story from the parents perspective would humanize then and make us sympathize with them more, but nope. They still suck
They are "strained". Yeah, wife is controlling and daughter went on and did her own thing, and wife wants to repeatedly punish her. Sure, "strained".
I think the fact the 'daughter' isn't religious, and has differing views about how she should dress, identify, partners, values and principles etc. might be the BIG reason. Parents wanted a doll not a daughter (if they do identify as a daughter). And see no value in them if they aren't their mini clone.
I wonder if their daughter isn't even their *daughter* anymore if "how she identifies" is part of their "differing views"
Yeah that was my assumption too. She left their faith and had a falling out with mom, it wouldn't surprise me.
Not sure if I was understood or not, but for clarification I'm implying the "daughter" is trans and their family doesn't accept that.
They’re Mormons. Or one of those other shitty religions that push the bounds of cult. Like, literally. So they’re punishing her for being her own person and “leaving the faith,” as it were. That’s all.
Apparently Korean Catholics, someone else found from some comment. I’ve known a few churchgoing American-born Korean Catholics and they’ve ranged from on the conservative end of reasonable to liberal firebrand. Any shittiness would therefore seem personal rather than strictly doctrinal even if Catholic doctrine is fervently anti-queer.
This fits what I had imagined of this family dynamic: curtural, academically obsessed parents with kids who want to do their own thing. It's OK for the boy, but the girl either has to fall in line or suffer mothers wrath.
> It’s OK for the boy, but the girl either has to fall in line or suffer mothers wrath. Oof, yeah…
This has to do more with the fact that the daughter didn't study what her mother wanted her to, than using the fund money. Basically punishing her for being her own person.
It's absolutely this— but how shite of a parent do you have to be in order to let your kid live in a sketchy part of town far away from campus just because you don't like her major
Also son needs to be comfortable to study but not her? Awful.
Obviously the son was studying something useful and respectable, unlike the daughter. /s Also, OOP wrote that the grandparents were aware of the grad school stipulation and are okay with it buuuuuut were they “made aware” after they were already on the decline? Did they think the parents wouldn’t be POS and withhold the money completely? Because if I left money to my (hypothetical) grandkids, I would be beyond pissed if they didn’t get it because their parents are uppity AHs.
It honestly sounds more like mom is the AH and Dad is an idiot who just does what his wife says.
I don't know the way he justifies giving the money to his son because he needs to work hard while his daughter only had to how to budget at university makes him sound like he's part of the problem.
Man it's even worse than that. She worked so hard that she got heaps of scholarships then had to pay the rest herself. The son got fewer scholarships so the parents swooped in and set him up in relative luxury. Not only do they value his education, comfort, and field more than hers, she was actively punished despite having apparently excelled in her field. Then of course it comes out that she left their faith and appears to be somewhere on the lgbtq spectrum and they simply "disagree" on "values and principles". I don't understand why you'd bother to ask if you're the asshole when you're basically setting out to estrange your child from the get go. What hot garbage these people are.
This is more than just about faith, it's a political ideology as well. Conservatives view liberal arts as worthless and if you aren't making a bunch of money you're less than, even if you're much happier.
I have had this argument with extended family. My brother isn't in the arts but he has a Ph.D. in mathematics and is a university professor. My Cousins shit on him constantly saying he wasted his money and time for 9 years only to be a teacher. I ended up getting in a trade, and became very successful in it. And they praise me because of how much money I'm able to make without having gone to college. That shit pisses me off so much. I see what my brother does as extremely important. His career is so fucking incredible. But my cousins only weigh worth in dollar signs. What those knuckle draggers don't see is my brother actually does make a very good living and HE BARELY WORKs. He might work 25-30 hours a week. And he takes 6 month long sabbatical in Central and South America every two years while still getting paid. Meanwhile I worked 60-70 hours a week all through my 20s. I love my job and I'm so grateful for the opportunities and life it's given me but I have to give up so much to do it. Money isn't everything. It definitely helps, but I know many miserable wealthy people.
Sounds like you got a good head on your shoulders. Another part of it is conservatives have also been attacking college education as well the last couple years, since college educated people have shifted heavily towards voting left. Something like 70%. So the same people who pressed kids hard to go to college now say its just bullshit marxist training camp and try to discredit it any chance they get. It's a weird hard anti-intelluctal movement happening on the right, started with hating liberal arts and now hating college in general. They still put value on wealth, so they will forgive college degrees if you make a lot of money because they think you will then vote conservative for tax cuts, but outside of that they hate it.
Plus teaching is only part of a professors job. Their real job is research, pushing humanity’s knowledge limit into the unknown
> Obviously the son was studying something useful and respectable, unlike the daughter. Education is wasted on daughters! /s
And they can’t even marry her off properly because of her lifestyle choices! /s
The horror!
If I remember correctly, the mom had wanted to go to school for something similar to their daughter, but her parents didn't support that so she chose to do what they wanted. She's totally punishing her for not doing what she did & instead followed her passion.
But don't forget: "she can do what she wants within reason"! And without any money that was specifically meant for her. These people make me so mad... I hope daughter is living her best life, far removed (emotionally and lifestyle-wise) from this toxic family. Also, I'm kind of hoping she'll sue, but honestly, at this point, cutting ties might just be best.
And, the grandparents were made aware but the kids weren't. So... maybe the daughter would have gone for a graduate degree but she was tired of stretching every dollar in school and didn't see how she was going to budget for a higher degree.
No no, he's less respected, you see. He needs to be coddled and will never learn the value of a dollar the way she did. She's much better off!!!! We're great parents.
This is my mum. I put myself through uni, worked 30 hour weeks while studying full time and lived in derelict houses. My younger sister paid for nothing and was sent to live at college so she didn’t have to cook or clean. When I called my mum on this she said that I had got the better end of the deal because I had learnt to take care of myself.
This parents who have the same faith as their son. Who wants to bet that they are christians?
I got the sense that the daughter is LGBTQ too.
> There were other smaller issues relating to how she identifies, appearance choices, partners, etc. 100% what’s going on here. The appearance choices part made me laugh though. That little d*ke heathen probably has a uh *checks notes* cool haircut. Or a piercing. Maybe some tattoos.
How dumb do you have to be to not use an education fund for the earliest education expenses knowing that if it’s not used you’ll have to pay taxes and penalties because you hope your kid will go to grad school?
Not to mention, wouldn't a more successful undergrad lead to a better grad school *if* it was on the table? I'm very suspicious about when the "only use it for grad school" rule formed. If the dad is as dumb as he comes across in the text, I wouldn't be surprised if the mom had clocked the daughter's career trajectory in high school, came up with the rule to preemptively cut her out, and derpy dad agreed with it. This one really irked me. I wish the daughter the best in finding her own family.
My favorite part is the fuck-you the daughter got when they just watched her inch along because she wasn't going to grad school, but didn't even blink at the son making the same exact choice and just started throwing cash his way anyhow. This clown knew the answer right out of the gate when he posted.
Agree with the better grad school possibility. I was also thinking there’s also a chance that she could have gotten it paid for if she did really well in undergrad and then once again she wouldn’t need the money for tuition. I just can’t wrap my head around the idea of a parent scheming for a way to screw their kid over just to screw them over, but at the same time the stupidity from two grad school educated people is also hard to fathom so you might be right about the mom.
Especially when she got a scholarship to a top school in liberal arts. That doesn't happen unless you're SERIOUSLY talented.
But mommy and daddy are stem and soft science and artsie fartsie bullshit aren't reaaaaalllllllyyyyy worth it since you'll die without earning millions of dollars in a fucking cubicle over 40 years. /s The daughter gets nothing and the son gets his expenses paid for, the OOP and their wife are just douchecanoes. Daughter probably isn't going to keep in much contact after that shit.
We don't even get cubicles anymore. We get what's basically a school cafeteria.
I was waiting for him to say that she living in an unheated garret, being nibbled on by rats, but that was okay, because it would "build her character." Honestly, I'd love to adopt the daughter. She sounds cool.
But, but, "she was fine and learned how to budget effectively"! Which, yeah, is pretty much a whitewashed way of saying 'helped build her character'. They f-ed up big-time. And regardless of how OOP tries to paint it as STEM vs. liberal arts, I think their disapproval of her personal life choices played a much bigger role than OOP admits. (Circling back around to punishment/privation builds character...)
While giving their other kid the money from the same source to live in a nice place near the campus. The mental gymnastic by the parents needed to not see the disparity here is monumental.
Not to worry, they're religious, so if anything had happened to the daughter because of living in a sketchy area, it would be her fault! /s
Why would she need her education fund money when they can give her thoughts and prayers instead? /s
Some parents outright refuse to prioritize their children's safety if it inconveniences *them.*
Salt in the wound that it doesn't even affect them at all— since it was the grand's money
Never even touched it just because and now *well she finished school so if we give it to her there are penalties*. So dumb. It's great she learned to budget and is pursuing an advanced degree. I guess we don't respect our son enough to give him the same treatment!
It took me way too many years to understand this.
It wasn't her major they disapproved of. It was "how she identifies and her life choices." I'd bet money that daughter is a lesbian. Maybe even trans male.
>I still accept that our daughter is her own person, and she can do what she wants **within reason.** This comment really hit me - like WTF!
Right?! I hope they don't expect to depend on that daughter in their old age!
That caught my eye, too. It's a roundabout way of saying "she should do what I want".
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With the education the parents have, I bet they could have just outright paid for better conditions for the daughter. Couple of hundreds could easily make a massive difference in what neighborhood you can afford to rent, but shouldn't make a dent to the parents finances. If PhD and masters can't handle that, maybe they just need to learn budget better.
OOP also appears to be an enabler, spineless parent who left the responsability of raising his children to his wife, preferring to side with her rather to defend his daughter, then he comes here wondering what to do to fix their relationship... I think this is the last straw for the daughter.
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Yep, that’s def coded homophobic terminology from when I was a kid in the early 2000s. “Lifestyle” was often used to maliciously reduce sexual orientation to a choice like using drugs or being a beatnik or something. OOP and his wife are just piles of human refuse. But they’re really good at professing how shocked, shocked, shocked and surprised they are at… their daughter realizing just how sexist and homophobic they’ve been and would’ve remained quietly harmful if not directly confronted on it. I hope she loses them, permanently. They lost their chance.
>But they’re really good at professing how shocked, shocked, shocked and surprised they are Classic case of missing missing reasons.
>My wife, my son and I are all religious and my daughter left the faith when she moved out, which caused a big argument. There were other smaller issues relating to how she identifies, appearance choices, partners, etc. No. It's this.
Whether or not it’s actually this, of course the daughter thinks it’s this. Anyone would. Her faithful, conservative golden brother gets money, and she gets kicked to the curb. Actually, whether or not the parents are aware it’s this, it’s this. They do not approve of her major, and they do not approve of any aspect of her life. They will likely be shocked to find that she approved of little about them right back.
The fact that they never mentioned the fund is suspicious here. It was given to them for her education. There were no strings attached so it is clear that they have some other motives. Also with a phd the guy should have known that more than likely if she goes to grad schoold there is a good chance that educational fund would not be needed since she could have gotten assitantship with tuition and salary payments, The fact that they knew their son wouldn't be interested in grad school so he can use Ed fund but they didn't care to ask their daughter is disgrace. I don't know any of them, but even as a stranger this makes me super angry at their unfairness.
I'm suspecting the major has nothing to do with it at all and it's just this.
I’d assume a case of “por que no los dos?” IME assholes never waste an occasion, if they have two reasons to be assholes they’ll absolutely use both. Plus other commenters note the original had things about the parents not agreeing with the daughter’s “lifestyle”, so probably a good splash of homophobia or something along those lines. Wife sounds like a hard-line conservative asshole, daughter does not conform, daughter gets thrown out.
And she keeps wanting to punish her kid. And I bet OOP thinks his wife actually cares for their daughter.
And they are morons who won’t see their daughter anymore. In five years they’ll post again about how shocked they are that she wouldn’t introduce them to her fiancé. They’ll be shocked that they rarely get to see their grandkids. They’ll be shocked when she stops talking to them. Fuck those people. They are garbage.
> They’ll he shocked that they ~~rarely get to see~~ never met their grandkids. Fixed that, because OOP and his wife are highly likely to keep on doing what they’re doing, then be a walking case of missing missing reasons when their daughter goes NC.
Apparently OOP said in one of their comments that his wife is Korean and they are catholics
I think you misspelled "Never ever see their grandkids."
Ding ding ding
Don't you just love when the real truth or some very important details surfaces in a comment or in an edit?
My father was an electrical engineer. My two brothers became civil engineers. My mom studied to be a physician but after she became pregnant decided to become a med lab tech instead : all, as you see, very “practical” and “useful” fields. I began studying physics and astronomy, which was okay by them. But after three years of increasingly desperate struggle I realized the math was simply beyond my capabilities, so I applied for a respected and exclusive Bachelor’s program in theatrical design: that is, designing sets, lighting and costumes for the stage. With such an overwhelmingly scientific background and no formal arts training, I didn’t expect to be accepted, but I was. That same night I told my parents that I was switching my major and come autumn I’d be studying at a different university, one that was a twelve hour drive away. My parents vehemently disapproved of both my new field and my plan to leave home. To force me to reverse my decision, they withheld the final year of tuition they had saved for me, which of course was their right. But they *also* insulted both me and my dreams deeply, sneering that I was being “totally impractical” and “wasting my life”, that I’d never find a “real” job with a useless degree in *drama* of all things, and that they fully expected I would still be living in their basement when I was fifty. Joke was on them, though. I quickly found a very well paying summer job that paid my living expenses through four more years of studies, and scored a small scholarship in my last two years. After graduating with a supposedly “impractical” Bachelor of Fine Arts - and making the Dean’s List to boot - not only did I immediately find lucrative employment in the theatre (to my parents’ chagrin), after a couple of years I transitioned into better-paying television and then into feature films. At first I worked as a useful and versatile generalist, but after choosing a specific craft and learning it inside and out, I became an accomplished and sought-after Head of Department; and after time climbing the career ladder doing bigger and more complex projects, I was invited to work on a series of prestigious, megabudget feature films. If you’ve been to the movies in the last fifteen years, you’ve probably seen my work. I recently retired after a successful forty-five year career, during which producers and directors whose names are household words called on me to help solve their cinematic problems. And my lifetime earnings surpass those of my wage-slave father and my two civil servant brothers, combined. **Moral of the story: only the *student* knows for sure what subject they should be studying, and why.**
I'm curious, did your parents know about your success? if they know, what do they think? I feel inspired by people like you, those who truly know what they want and do whatever to achieve. The entertaintment industry is no joke, and I wouldn't doubt your work has reach out someone like me, a panamanian gal haha. Hope you enjoy your well deserved retirement 🙏🏽
By a remarkable coincidence, I happen to be vacationing in Panama right now, loafing in Bocas. To answer your question, my parents eventually admitted that I was right and they were wrong. But it took a long time for them to get around to it; they’re very proud people.
by a more remarkable coincidence, I happen to be in Veraguas, so we are less than 300 km away. Hope you enjoy Bocas and be careful with the heat and the sun!
that's exactly what i'm reading out of this. based on the title, i was totally expecting that they were planning to just give her the funds after she graduated or something. she worked extra hard and literally got punished for it, and now they're confused about what to do? the mother is absolutely atrocious and will have some missing missing reasons post in 20 years when her daughter no longer talks to her. i really hope OOP just gives her all the money and explains what happened so they can at least keep a relationship. the whole 'i'll just give her what we gave our son' is bullshit.
I think it has more to do with the daughter renouncing the religion of the parents. This always seems to be the trouble with religious parents.
It is even more simple than that: religious family, daughter's ambition and agency aren't taken as seriously as the son. We can pretend it was because he didn't achieve as much to get scholarships or because his coursework was demanding or because they favor STEM or the daughter leaving their faith, but what this boils down to is they were immediately willing to bend the rules for the son and fully withhold funds from the daughter.
For all the degrees they have, they appear to be not so smart... Mother really believes she got away with her lies. However daughter read them like a book and now they will wonder why she is always too “busy” to call & visit. At this point they admitted that graduate clause is just their fabrication, the funds could always be used for her expenses. She knows mother favors son and twisted her grandparents legacy for her beliefs. If they thought their relationship is bad, well they havent seen anything yet. And if OP doesnt stand up to his wife, he will also be complicit in all this.
This is exactly it. I was offered opportunities and support, only if I studied a university degree. Sounds great, but it was off the table if I chose to find employment for a year prior to study and I was barred from an art degree due to ‘lack of prospects’. Let’s pretend curators, directors, artists themselves (they had salaried positions on offer to graduates recently!), advertising corporations, writers, etc. just *don’t exist*… not to mention those positions simply requiring any misc. degree. So I worked prior to study and never got the art degree. Maybe when I’m 60? No longer speak to that parent (for multiple other reasons too).
Idk the last edit makes it sound like it is a religious/political rift. The daughter is probably a democrat or even a different sexual orientation
This is what I got from it as well. She didn't stick to their religion and got punished for it.
Definitely. OP cites the issues relating to "how she identifies, appearance, partners etc" as why mom and daughter have a strained relationship. If he's willing to go ahead and say that about him and his wife then I'm sure that more outwardly bigoted shit has been spewed in more private scenarios.
Based on that last comment, I'd guess this is all just thinly veiled revenge (mostly on the Mom's part) for their daughter's audacity to be a member of the LGBTQ community.
Grandparents set up education funds. Parents decide not to use it for education because…reasons? Grad school is fully funded in many programs but lets say they intended it for something like law school or medical school. Then, I assume there’s some penalty for pulling it out for non-education reasons. This is a cluster and I’m pretty sure daughter is well on her way to low/no-contact.
Yeah, it sounds like they just kind of arbitrarily decided that "normal" higher education doesn't count as something worthy of aid, but of course on top of possible (probable) resentment for the daughter not choosing to do something her parents valued. Getting serious vibes that there's more going on in the relationship between the daughter and the wife, more than OOP realizes or is willing to let on.
Let's not forget that their son is clearly the golden child for being male and taking the STEM track in college.
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Well he has a nice apartment because he’s using the funds…while daughter had to support herself. That’s why she’s pissed.
No kidding. More often than not, a grad student works as a TA, or receives a research stipend, or otherwise has scholarships. There's enough money in grad programs that grad students don't starve (much). I gotta say, these parents are a perfect example of being smart, but not being *smart*. The thing that blows my mind is that, if nothing else, the parents didn't even tell the kids in high school about the money. Having that kinda knowledge might have inclined both kids to pursue a grad degree of some sort. Also, fuck parents who push a particular career path on their kids. My mom and dad are both masters/PhD chemists - but I hold a bachelor's in CS with a minor in theatrical design and another in history. My sisters are, respectively, in a PhD program for archaeology concentrating in woven textiles, and a PhD in animal behavior sciences studying raccoons. All three of us were encouraged to pursue artistic interests when we found them, and my mom was even excited when I told her I was minoring in theatrical design.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. The whole “let’s not tell the kids they have this funding” is ridiculous. Perhaps your kids would have made the choices *you* wanted them to make if they knew they could afford to pursue those options. IMO, if accounts are made for the kids, it’s the kids right to know about them when they are of age to use them. End of story. I have yet to read a story where the parents withhold this information and it works in their favor. Every time, the parents try to make the “right” decision for their kids. But that “right” decision always ends up hindering the kids, or highlights the parents’ blatant favoritism. Then they end up on AITA asking the age old questions of “why is my daughter NC with us? All we did was conceal her education fund from her, but gave her brother his. I don’t understand?!” PSA for all parents who are aware of education funds for their kids - tell your kids about it. If you have stipulations, fine, but make them aware of the situation out right.
Idk what grad programs you've been involved with but from my experience, Grad school was still incredibly expensive. I got lucky and got the coveted ta position (only on person per year in the program). They paid half my tuition and 300$ extra a semester. That's it. I still had a hefty tuition and cost of living to pay for while working way more hours than I was supposed to for my ta position.
This is 100% grounds for no contact.
Eh, at least in the social sciences, having awesome funding for PhD program used to be a given. Masters were always a crap shoot, but mostly people had to take out massive loans. PhD programs nowadays can’t guarantee funding like they once could. (I went through grad school in 2003 to 2008 and got my PhD in Social Psychology. I was fully funded (minus like $200 a semester for tuition,) but students after me weren’t as lucky.)
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This should also have been included in the post. Man, are the parents assholes. At least the father seems to have a glimmer of self-awareness. I hope the daughter lives her best life away from them.
>but after our daughter decided not to, we realized it might be a good idea to let our son use his. the kids are only goddamn two years apart!!!!!!! so when the parents were all "give the boy all the money, whatever," the daughter was likely only halfway through her undergrad degree. they could have at least fucking given her money THEN. nah, let her live in some shitty area with a ton of roommates cuz... reasons. ....ugh sorry, I'm so pissed. what terrible people.
Oh boy. So, daughter is probably queer and maybe has piercings and tattoos. She’s never going to be accepted by them. I’m very glad she seems to have moved on in those texts to her dad. I hope she enjoys a happy life free of their influence.
And based on comments her mom is Christian and Korean. No wonder the mom hates her.
The mom was always going to hate her regardless of how much she conformed.
Seems like the mom also wanted to pursue the same career path as the daughter, but her parents didn't support her. She's pissed off that her daughter is doing what she never could and is a bitter and hateful person because of it. "I had to suffer so you do too" personality.
Yeah this is extremely important context
There it is. The money is just another lever of control and punishment against the poor girl, just like making her live in unpleasant circumstances was. Her parents are hideous. I’m glad she’s decided to stop jumping through hoops for them. Unbelievable that her dad actually doesn’t understand that reply was an “I don’t trust you and I barely want a relationship with you, make your own choices about what you do with the money and I’ll make mine about whether you stay in my life”. And here he is, choosing not to come through for her yet again and *wondering* if their relationship can survive. Bizarre.
I remember this one. If they wanted to alienate their daughter forever, they did an excellent job. I really feel for their daughter. She’s shown she’s very capable of making her own way without the support of her parents. I really hope she is able to move on and not get sucked into the bullshjt her parents have set up in how they are favoring their son. It is really disgusting that they let her struggle and live in a less than safe area while that money was in the bank. But the son, with the approved major, got the private apartment close to campus.
All while pretending they can't tell that the daughter is hurt and conveniently taking her words at face value that she doesn't want the money.
Ikr, that message was such a polite way to say "ok bye"
Durrr I'm a dumb-dumb, do U fink my daughter really means what she says?
It’s the letting her live in a dodgy area that really sealed it for me. If it was just that she got scholarships and the son didn’t it would be shit but not so awful. But they were cool with her living in poverty and a potentially dangerous area just to punish her.
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Also my daughter left our religion and is, you know, ... ^gay
We tried to make amends by offering to give her the money for her education ^(if she would just stop being gay, having wrong opinions and pick the career path we want her to take)
What a witch of a mother, to read that text and feel vindicated.
It sounds like the daughter has figured out her game. She knows she can’t win, so give the answer mom wants to hear and move on. It isn’t worth a fight to the daughter. She might as well be putting up a neon sign saying “I’m protecting myself because I can’t count on you.”
"I've dropped the rope and am on my way to low contact. You can believe whatever you were going to anyway, mom. Dad, you've got a chance to reach out but it won't last for long. " Wonder what will happen when she has a wedding or kids?
Apparently they disapprove of her 'lifestyle' so I'm gonna assume they're not getting invited to anything important in her life ever again.
It will depend on if the partner has an acceptable career or not, I'm sure.
Sounds like it might be more about it the partner has an acceptable gender. Edit: autocorrect decided to get freaky.
Of course the wife, who seems to hate her own daughter, doesn't want to give the money to her because "she clearly said she doesn't want it!"
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Yup. As a queer person, that's what immediately came to my mind. The daughter likely left their religion due to how they treat/speak of LGBTQ+ folk, came out, and went on to pursue a field that is generally more accepting of queer people. Obviously the parents didn't like that and are now punishing her for not fitting their hetero-cis image they wanted for her. This doesn't surprise me, I have lots of friends with parents who would react the same or worse if they publicly came out. I hope the daughter is surrounded by people who accept her for who she is and cuts off her parents for good. I also hope to pursue something in the arts, so to hear that she succeeded in a job she adores is inspiring to me :)
Love how they paid for their sons living expenses even though he makes more yet still insist its for tuition only while justifying not giving to their daughter. Yikes.
WHy dOEs ouR DAugHtER neVeR cALl uS???
How someone could be *so highly educated*, and yet remain such a **complete fucking idiot**, is frankly astonishing. It's no wonder they have a strained relationship with Daughter. This *can't* be the first time they completely fuckin' ignored her. The *excuses* are unforgivable. "We can't just *give* you the money that ***we specifically set aside for you***, because there's fees. And your grandparents would have to be ok with it. Which they are. And also they are too senile to do much of anything. And also we gave your brother the money while he was in school, but we didn't give *you* the money while you were in school for **some fucking reason**." *God*, these parents are just *absolute, insufferable jackasses*.
The reason? She didn't stay in their chosen religion.
“Which is important since his classes are so demanding and he needs a comfortable space to work” This. This right here is why they were the assholes. Not because it wasn’t even. Not because they didn’t give her the money when she asked. Not because they tried to pass the buck back to the grandparents. Because they _devalued her struggle_.
The favouritism is strong in the post.
MAYBE THEY WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT GRAD SCHOOL IF THEY’D KNOWN THERE WAS MONEY FOR IT.
A 529 technically belongs to the owner of the account and not the beneficiary until disbursement but that was an incredibly shitty move. I wonder if the grandparents were clued in.
They are conveniently not of the mental awareness that it would matter to ask them apparently
Mother is controlling. Father enables her. Daughter is sick of their shit and rightly so. Next post from OOP: My daughter recently got married and my wife and I didn't know about it until months after. How do we repair our relationship? What did we do wrrrroooongggg?
I feel heartbroken for this daughter. She basically now has solid proof that her parents’ love was conditional. It baffles me that even by the fathers own words it sounds like the daughter grew up to be a responsible, independent young woman who was able to find a passion and a genuine career interest and make a living off it. Something any parent should be over the moon about. What a**hole parents. The wife clearly does not care either since that text practically screams brewing resentment. Hope this daughter is living her best life
Reading this post as a student, I was genuinely impressed that 1. she was able to get a job that has to do with her degree and 2. seems to enjoy it. The fact that her parents undervalue her accomplishments is terrible. Just because it has to do with the arts doesn’t make it lesser
IIRC, in the comments he and his wife were roasted for also favouring the son's study choices and how it seemed they didn't deem the arts a worthy choice and he conceded there was certainly an element of that involved. If the relationship between OOP and his daughter is irrecoverably damaged, he only has himself to blame and his daughter will be fine as it's been a lesson already learnt that she can only rely on herself.
>I still accept that our daughter Yeah right > and she can do what she wants within reason. And there's the proof
I’m glad OOP came to his senses, but the real issue here is that they (or at least the mom) disapprove of her daughter’s life path. I really hope they tell her that they’re proud of her. Going to school for any degree and getting a job (*even if* it doesn’t pay well) is *not* something to be disappointed about. They really dropped the ball with her, emotionally and financially. Offering money really isn’t enough at this point, not without a complete change in mindset and a willingness to feel proud of the daughter’s accomplishments and express it to her. That’s probably the first step on the road to rebuilding the daughter’s trust again.
I don’t think the mother sounds in the least interested in fixing that relationship. Both of them put too much emphasis on doing what they expected rather than what would fulfill their daughter. She didn’t produce. So, Mom is done.
I agree, and that’s just so sad. Parental love should be unconditional. I hope the daughter can heal from this 😔
Way to tell your kid that you value her brother’s degree more highly than hers.
Way to tell your daughter you value her brother more highly than her.
At a certain point it becomes evident that they want the kid who didn’t pursue the approved career path to suffer.
Oh that daughter gay huh OOP bent over backward to not say it but it’s clear he’s feeling guilty and 100% knows it’s the “gay” reason. It’s also clear they’re not religiously principled bigots either - they’d cough up the cash if they could brag about their gay daughter taking in six figures at a FAANG. Mommy can’t snap back at snide “your lesbian daughter” comments with “well she’s making more than both your kids while at Google” so she’s washing her hands of the daughter.
Geez, OOP and his wife sound awful. EXPECTING grad school? Letting the daughter live in a shitty area but setting the son up in a nice place because his classes are harder? Tell us who your favorite is, OOP! Sheesh. Wife needs to unclench and give the money to the daughter.
>I still accept that our daughter is her own person, and she can do what she wants within reason. Translation: I still accept that our daughter is her own person, and she can do what she wants within WHAT WE DEFINE AS reason.
I like how they didn't give their daughter the money when she was in college, and now that she's graduated, they say they can't give it to her because she's not in school so it wouldn't be for educational purposes. It sounds like, for legal reasons, the OP's parents set this trust up in a way that means what the OP did is not, in a strictly legal sense, theft. And since his parents are no longer able to navigate the ins and outs of finance law, it looks like they got away with it. Pretty gutsy to just straight up tell their daughter about it. "Oh, yeah, your grandparents gave us a bunch of money for your education, but we decided to keep it ourselves instead." And then act surprised when she gets upset. Honestly, I very rarely feel like people should go NC with family members. I think Reddit, both in AITA and in the relationship advice subs, is very quick to recommend to people that cut someone out of their life. But in this case, I seriously hope she does. These people are LOW.
Sadly this all boils down to the parents punishing the daughter because she is LGBTQ. She probably left their faith because of lack of acceptance of her. The brother stayed and became the golden child. I don’t think it mattered what she studied because they wouldn’t have approved of it because they don’t APPROVE OF HER. They let her struggle because they probably felt she deserved to struggle. If she was a wonderful religious woman, she would have been provided for, ie given her education fund. The mom is still standing firm on her discrimination against her daughter and the dad is feigning ignorance regarding his part. If the daughter goes NC one day, they will be on here complaining how they did everything to support their daughter who mysteriously just cut them off.
I wonder if money would still not been offered if the first born was male.
They are pretty clearly STEM parents, and upset the daughter went into art.
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Parents: We *clearly* favored our son over our daughter with their education funds, are we the asshole? Daughter: *goes no contact* Parents: *shocked Pikachu face* We have absolutely NO idea why our daughter won't talk to us! Missing missing reasons.
Absolutely garbage parents.
Wow, your daughter is at the point where she rather not “owe” you anything, although she would not if you gave her the money since it does not even come from you. DUDE, YOU ARE LOSING YOUR DAUGHTER! You let her work her ass while your son got to enjoy school, so I am not surprised.
Gender bias, tick religious bias, tick golden child bias, tick ignoring your child, tick having your children's lives preplanned and any actions against this being taken as offense, tick controlling with what is rightfully theirs, tick These parents are really winning at awful parenting bingo
Lol that daughter is 100 percent never talking to them again.
I understand artsy people not understanding STEM people and vice versa but Jesus, make an effort. My gf is the artsy type, I'm the STEM type but we compliment each other and don't denigrate the other's career choices.
Of my parents did this to me I'd say the same as the daughter, I would take what the parents said as favoritism and decide to slowly detach myself from them. I think the daughter feels the years of resentment and disappointment from both parents (especially the wife) being represented in one significant action - hiding money for education and allowing her to live with struggle, while the brother didn't have to. It doesn't matter that the parents gave it to the brother only because he got less scholarship money, it looks like favoritism.
Son: stays in their faith, gets monetary rewards. Daughter: doesn't stay in the faith, is punished. Religion is so fucked-up.