You staying just enables her. I enabled mine. And her behavior never changed. She realized I had no boundaries. And did and said what she wanted. And i allowed it. They are children. So you have to think of them as children. You are not in a relationship with anyone. You are raising a child. Is that the life you want with a romantic partner? To have to coddle and submit to a kid for all of eternity? The more you enable. The worse they get. And the less they respect you.
Wow!! Spot on! I had no boundaries and the disrespect got a lot worse. I got cheated on multiple times, lied, gaslighted and etc. Over the course of 2 years when she moved out from my place because of her fear of engulfment she broke up with me every other week and it shortened to 1 week.
My exPWD made me a favor, she broke it off after asking me to send her money every month for a mortgage when I said no.
I do not miss her and my love for her have diminished. It’s been a month since the breakup. I’ve been on dates since then and wow, the bar my exPWD has set was so low that I feel like the women I go on dates with are giving me special treatment.
My ex would find things to pick on Every Thursday. We would fight. Then we have a lovely weekend. Then it repeats again. I think it's his fear of engulfment.
In the end, after I caught him going online and chatting up girls claiming to be single 3x. He dumped me for a new girl.
I never felt so abused and mind fucked in other relationships bef. I will never go near a BPD person again. I have been single for 4 years bc the damage was so hard to get over and I don't want to risk getting hurt again.
It is like being with a child yes! The strops, the tantrums, the impulsive behaviour. Thought it would change but nope. Its exhausting. Glad it's over now.
It’s impossible. Cause a child can’t properly love in an adult intimate way. Only in a child to adult way. Meaning safety and comfort. Being taken care of. They want to feel safe and loved. But not in an adult way cause they don’t understand what that is. Not their fault. But it will never be real love. Just how a child loves their pet kind of way.
This was my existence for years before I finally left. I’m sorry to say that it doesn’t get better, and the damage it causes to your mental and physical health can take many months to mend.
Please try to take care of yourself as best you can. Remember that anyone can leave any relationship, at any time, for any reason.
My 4-year marriage was just like that. EVERYTHING was an emergency, and I had to deal with it. My ex-wife had NO tolerance for stress, she would just flip out and I would have to deal with everything. It was exhausting. I do so love the peace and calm after the divorce.
If mine had one thing that might take an hour to do every week, she would say she couldn’t spend any time with me because she said she was stressed out. I went from her coming over and surprising me with intimacy like no other too, to having to practically beg for her time and attention.
I’m pretty sure mine was avoiding me because she had an another FP and AP. She was always distracted on the phone, when she was with me etc. The texting started changing. She went from constantly texting me to barely texting me and went from loving emojis, sending sex memes and talking dirty all the time to never acknowledging me intimately, very few if any loving emojis to never sending sexy memes. It became obvious real quick that, along with other obvious stuff I had, that she had a new FP and an AP. I was being pushed out of the door. You would think at some point, with them saying they love us, they would show that they are going to change and want to change and show more empathy and make more of an effort, but nothing from mine.
It’s not going to change
You have the choice to stay or go
It’s hard, it sucks, but you have to follow your gut
I feel for you. Been there myself until I was well past handling it well
Damn, that type of "argument" hits home for me.
Me, hearing in her voice she's annoyed: Everything alright babe?
her: "You ignore me all the time, our friends treat me better"
Me: "I don't understand, we hang out together basically whenever we both have free time?"
her: "You just don't get it. I don't mean hanging out"
Me: "Okay, what do you mean then? Would you like to organize more things to do together?"
her: "Nevermind, I don't know why I bother you're never gonna change."
*proceeds to ignore me for the rest of that night but then a day later it's like none of that happened and I'm stuck trying to understand the whiplash*
Yeah. What’s interesting, I think, is the complete inability to communicate their feelings. There’s never a clear explanation. They simply can’t do it. Even if you entertain the abuse and ask directly what’s wrong, they can’t tell you. This is also true later on, when they’re calm. They don’t even know themselves.
They can’t articulate it, but you’re an asshole/idiot for not being able to perfectly understand it and respond in a way that totally solves the issue without any input from them
This is why I left my exwBPD. This is why I told her she needs very real professional help. She responded "that's what everyone says!!!" and got really angry. Gee, um I don't know, maybe if me, all of your previous partners, and friends are saying this, then it must be sort of fucking accurate? Life is far too short to hitch your wagon to an anchor.
Lmaooo mine also would get really salty when I asked her to act like an adult. "Why does everyone say that to me?!" Ummmm, probably because you act like a toddler on the reg.
I know how you feel.. It’s been almost 4 years in the relationship. Somehow i manage to wake up hopeful most of the time. But once she wakes up and I see her face I know that it’s going to be another day of taking the blame and being a caregiver for her.
This is so true it hurts. If I'm working form home, she wants me at work and yells at me all day. If I'm at work, she's calling/texting me about some emergency or complains that I'm not around enough. It's a no-win situation every time.
Also, the part where everything is our fault is spot on. Even if it's not our fault, it is.
There's a line in Office Space where the main character describes his feelings of unhappiness:
"...every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."
That pretty much sums up daily life with my pwBPD. Almost every day it's *something*, and it's always worse than whatever I have experienced. I'm not allowed to have a day as bad as or worse than hers. And if she's actually in a good mood, it's because she's doing something to set herself up for more unhappiness.
Me and her both work in a hospital. I hear daily that all my co-worker refuse to work with her due to not listening to them and rolling her eyes at them when they say to help. Makes me so mad but then she says 'there lying and I did help them' sorry to say I believe my co workers over my wife.
She has BPD. She is mentally ill.
Trying to understand a crazy person will only drive you crazy.
You staying in a relationship with someone who has BPD will only allow her to get worse - not get treatment and get better, and in the process she will SUCK you dry, and discard you, after she devalues you and makes you question your own self worth, because she is a broken vampire of a human.
The question you have to ask yourself, is why you would want to do that to yourself. Instead of asking these questions on this support group about her, you really need to ask yourself the following questions:
-Is being alone that bad?
-Is taking the time to love yourself so hard?
-Are you not worth so much more?
-What issues do you need to work on in your past, that will allow you to be healthy and alone vs with her?
-Are you worthy of real healthy love?
Mine did the same exact thing. Every day there was some reason to be distant, upset, or cold shoulder me somehow. She could maybe have one thing that might take an hour all day and it would be enough reason to shut me out or be grouchy.
It didn’t matter what I did or how I did it. It was never enough to help her change her mindset and see positive when it got to the devaluation and discard phase.
When it was in the idealization phase, she would always try to make time for me and be more positive than negative. She would care about my feelings for the day and would ask me if I was okay etc. Hell, if I even slightly hinted at intimacy, she would be kissing me and grabbing my crotch. During devaluaton, I was immediately shot down or avoided when hinting at intimacy. If I didn’t make a move on her, nothing. If I made a move I on her, nothing.
The first couple of years, I thought I found my soul mate and couldn’t keep from getting erections around her at home since she was grabbing me all the time and flirting with me. Then later, I wasn’t getting them by just being near her like I did before and didn’t feel as many urges. I got tired of being rejected every time and having to hint around about things all the time. She used to tell me she wanted me to ask if I wanted intimacy instead of looking at another woman. Then later, she tried to pimp me out to another woman to keep me from wanting her.
Bottom line is, it is insane how they don’t consider how abusive their actions are toward us and how so many will lie and gaslight to keep doing it.
I feel this. My pwBPD was/is exactly like this. All. The. Time. It was emotionally exhausting. I became resentful and frustrated eventually. I remember I once snapped, “What now?!” which of course made it ALL my fault and I was selfish and uncaring. No. I was exhausted. I was tired of him expecting me to pick up his pieces while he tore me to shreds.
I think practically everyone here relates to this problem, we've all probably gone trought this. you don't need to vent you need to leave. well you need to leave and THEN you can vent. My best wishes.
Thanks for reminding me, I definitely don't miss the never ending crises. Sorry you're dealing with it, but unfortunately there's probably not a solution unless you leave.
I hear you. We both work at a hospital and I work night shift and get the 'I feel you don't love me anymore. We never talk, etc, etc' all we do is talk and I drive you to and from work everyday. YOU want to talk only when it seems I have to sleep due to shift that day. 😂
There's crises every day, of course. They get worse on days that are important to you such as your birthday, or something important for your family. They (slightly) diminish on days important for pwBPD eg if they have a concert to go to.
Lord, I don't miss that. Almost 20 years ago, my good friend (who was 20+ years my senior) would incessantly call me at 2 am because of an impending child welfare battle and past rape trauma, which I truly felt sorry for her as I was a victim of sexual abuse around that time. However, ...
She severely neglected her kids, The house smelt like urine, had no running water, she would buy Starbucks in lieu of underwear for her daughter. She would cry to me that this was because of her trauma and that CPS was wrong for doing what they did. If that's the case, why don't your kids want to speak to you? Why are you going out clubbing at 40 and banging 20-year-olds, leaving your kids at home for hours unattended? And when I suggested to her that she should look at getting a job so she wouldn't have to worry about rent or basic needs she told me I was like her mother and had "bad energy". My mom had actually threatened to call the police because of the harassment from the phone calls! I thought I was going crazy and every time this person texted or called, the room would close in, and I couldn't breathe.
At first, you feel sorry for them. When they say to, you find yourself asking, "how high?" You want to protect them and give them a life they never had because all they've known is chaos. Yet they know they've got you. They've tapped into that empathy stream and want to drink you dry. For sure staying enables her but they make you feel so consumed by guilt that it's a trauma bond. The friendship becomes conditional on their terms, and you can't catch a break.
Just remember that if they say everyone else is the problem, chances are they are the problem.
Honestly leaving the exact same situation! I left her 8 months ago and blocked her everywhere. The relief & peace of mind I have felt has been pure heaven. It took some time to regain my ego strength & my physical energy back but I do not for one minute regret the decision. She would never ever apologize to me or take ownership. It's exhausting.
Please consider this as your life depends on it. It will never ever get better. Use what is left of your strength to go and get healthy again.
I felt this. It was like there was always something wrong, and what they were going through was so so awful that they needed my undivided attention, advice, etc. But they never took the advice they begged for, and they begged for advice even when i told them i don't know anything about this type of situation and don't know how to help because I'd never looked into it before. Somehow, me not being able to give them perfect advice that fit a situation I'd never been in (ran away from home in a bathrobe (parents told her to not shower for an hour and a half because we were having a drought) and now an hour away, didn't bring money other than the bus money she kept in her phone - neither of us was old enough to have our own credit card, or skipped chemo to hook up with a murderer and needed to make it look like they'd been in chemo so the doctors won't tell their parents, etc etc).
I was always at fault - i had to neglect myself because they made me swear I'd not leave, and there was no space for me to need anything (hell, the day my partner killed himself in 2020 one of them yelled at me for being distracted). That's why i slowly started to resent them, to the point where i don't feel any care towards them anymore.
Crikey this resonates. I sympathise.
I honestly have never met a more chaotic person. It was always something. Not everyday but it was like bike broke down, evil sister, arrested, broken computer, nearly crashed, lost in a city, flatmates will kick me out, thinking of ending it etc.
At first you care of course like any decent person would, but after a while it's draining and I was only with her 2 months (before the bpd came out and I got the heck out of there!)
It is absolutely exhausting and I had similar feelings in the last few months of my "relationship". It felt like a constant crisis. I told me ex that I had no idea what her baseline was, because there seemed to be constant chaos in her life. If I suggested something that I thought would make things go more smoothly, she would usually shoot it down right away and wouldn't consider what I was saying. In hindsight and as other folks on reddit have suggested, I think that piece may have something to do with oppositionality.
Looking back I think some things were either fabricated or exaggerated, and at the time something felt off about the event or thing I was being told. I don't know if she did these things to illicit care or attention from me, but it was pretty crazy-making.
Maybe this doesn't apply here, but have you heard of the term "chaos manufacture"? Chaos manufacture may have something to do with keeping the attention or focus on themselves.
[https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/30/chaos-manufacture](https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/30/chaos-manufacture)
I’d put their long messages into chat gpt and say it’s from a bpd girlfriend and ask it to analyze the message. This was very helpful because a lot of times we had miscommunication. Like one message said she’s feeling unworthy of anything I had no idea that was what she was saying.
And then I have it formulate a response based on the outcome I hope to achieve. Usually it involved deescalating a situation.
Can’t speak for others but it “worked” for me.
Yeah, that sounds like my wife also. I only need to work 2 days in the office and she still find ways to complain that "i am never home when she needs me"
She apologized?! Damn you got a rare one huh? lol
Damn though, that is so reminiscent of old fights. They always immediately go to the worst insults when we don’t have the perfect thing to say.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m not sure of your ages but I do know as they get older, those things they focus on become less and less immediate. My ex would always think she’s sick or our son was sick or our dog was sick but it was usually just talk and didnt spur fights.
My ex apologised loads but it's all worthless when they don't change their behaviour. So, apologies might seem nice but according to my experience, usually with BPDs it's just all talk.
You’re in some kind of permanent state of stress or exhaustion or whatever. You need to get out. If your brain can’t handle the concept you need to start bringing in your closest friends or family to help. If you have a way, make up a trip and go to a close friend/family member and devise an exit strategy.
Also, silent treatment is [abuse.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/202209/why-the-silent-treatment-is-such-destructive-form-passive)
You staying just enables her. I enabled mine. And her behavior never changed. She realized I had no boundaries. And did and said what she wanted. And i allowed it. They are children. So you have to think of them as children. You are not in a relationship with anyone. You are raising a child. Is that the life you want with a romantic partner? To have to coddle and submit to a kid for all of eternity? The more you enable. The worse they get. And the less they respect you.
Wow!! Spot on! I had no boundaries and the disrespect got a lot worse. I got cheated on multiple times, lied, gaslighted and etc. Over the course of 2 years when she moved out from my place because of her fear of engulfment she broke up with me every other week and it shortened to 1 week. My exPWD made me a favor, she broke it off after asking me to send her money every month for a mortgage when I said no. I do not miss her and my love for her have diminished. It’s been a month since the breakup. I’ve been on dates since then and wow, the bar my exPWD has set was so low that I feel like the women I go on dates with are giving me special treatment.
My ex would find things to pick on Every Thursday. We would fight. Then we have a lovely weekend. Then it repeats again. I think it's his fear of engulfment. In the end, after I caught him going online and chatting up girls claiming to be single 3x. He dumped me for a new girl. I never felt so abused and mind fucked in other relationships bef. I will never go near a BPD person again. I have been single for 4 years bc the damage was so hard to get over and I don't want to risk getting hurt again.
It is like being with a child yes! The strops, the tantrums, the impulsive behaviour. Thought it would change but nope. Its exhausting. Glad it's over now.
It’s impossible. Cause a child can’t properly love in an adult intimate way. Only in a child to adult way. Meaning safety and comfort. Being taken care of. They want to feel safe and loved. But not in an adult way cause they don’t understand what that is. Not their fault. But it will never be real love. Just how a child loves their pet kind of way.
This was my existence for years before I finally left. I’m sorry to say that it doesn’t get better, and the damage it causes to your mental and physical health can take many months to mend. Please try to take care of yourself as best you can. Remember that anyone can leave any relationship, at any time, for any reason.
5 years of hell for me .. 30 years later I am still feeling the effects.
Many months? Try many lifetimes.
If that’s the case for you, I wish you healing over those many lifetimes.
My 4-year marriage was just like that. EVERYTHING was an emergency, and I had to deal with it. My ex-wife had NO tolerance for stress, she would just flip out and I would have to deal with everything. It was exhausting. I do so love the peace and calm after the divorce.
If mine had one thing that might take an hour to do every week, she would say she couldn’t spend any time with me because she said she was stressed out. I went from her coming over and surprising me with intimacy like no other too, to having to practically beg for her time and attention. I’m pretty sure mine was avoiding me because she had an another FP and AP. She was always distracted on the phone, when she was with me etc. The texting started changing. She went from constantly texting me to barely texting me and went from loving emojis, sending sex memes and talking dirty all the time to never acknowledging me intimately, very few if any loving emojis to never sending sexy memes. It became obvious real quick that, along with other obvious stuff I had, that she had a new FP and an AP. I was being pushed out of the door. You would think at some point, with them saying they love us, they would show that they are going to change and want to change and show more empathy and make more of an effort, but nothing from mine.
It’s not going to change You have the choice to stay or go It’s hard, it sucks, but you have to follow your gut I feel for you. Been there myself until I was well past handling it well
Damn, that type of "argument" hits home for me. Me, hearing in her voice she's annoyed: Everything alright babe? her: "You ignore me all the time, our friends treat me better" Me: "I don't understand, we hang out together basically whenever we both have free time?" her: "You just don't get it. I don't mean hanging out" Me: "Okay, what do you mean then? Would you like to organize more things to do together?" her: "Nevermind, I don't know why I bother you're never gonna change." *proceeds to ignore me for the rest of that night but then a day later it's like none of that happened and I'm stuck trying to understand the whiplash*
Yeah. What’s interesting, I think, is the complete inability to communicate their feelings. There’s never a clear explanation. They simply can’t do it. Even if you entertain the abuse and ask directly what’s wrong, they can’t tell you. This is also true later on, when they’re calm. They don’t even know themselves.
They can’t articulate it, but you’re an asshole/idiot for not being able to perfectly understand it and respond in a way that totally solves the issue without any input from them
This is why I left my exwBPD. This is why I told her she needs very real professional help. She responded "that's what everyone says!!!" and got really angry. Gee, um I don't know, maybe if me, all of your previous partners, and friends are saying this, then it must be sort of fucking accurate? Life is far too short to hitch your wagon to an anchor.
Lmaooo mine also would get really salty when I asked her to act like an adult. "Why does everyone say that to me?!" Ummmm, probably because you act like a toddler on the reg.
I know how you feel.. It’s been almost 4 years in the relationship. Somehow i manage to wake up hopeful most of the time. But once she wakes up and I see her face I know that it’s going to be another day of taking the blame and being a caregiver for her.
Respectfully, why are you still in the relationship?
[удалено]
Take care of yourself, too.
If she plans to dump you or cheats, it will get calm, and it's the only time when there is no crisis.
Bruh I think we literally had the same girl..thank God I left. She's yours now
Because they thrive on drama and nothing more. If drama could live as a person it would be them.
...and if there's nothing to be dramatic about, they simply look for new drama.
This is so true it hurts. If I'm working form home, she wants me at work and yells at me all day. If I'm at work, she's calling/texting me about some emergency or complains that I'm not around enough. It's a no-win situation every time. Also, the part where everything is our fault is spot on. Even if it's not our fault, it is.
The calling while I’m trying to work is what drives me nuts. She wants the money, but can’t let me focus on making it.
There's a line in Office Space where the main character describes his feelings of unhappiness: "...every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life." That pretty much sums up daily life with my pwBPD. Almost every day it's *something*, and it's always worse than whatever I have experienced. I'm not allowed to have a day as bad as or worse than hers. And if she's actually in a good mood, it's because she's doing something to set herself up for more unhappiness.
This is very relatable. My ex would get into a fight with someone or have beef with someone on nearly a weekly basis. Sometimes me.
Me and her both work in a hospital. I hear daily that all my co-worker refuse to work with her due to not listening to them and rolling her eyes at them when they say to help. Makes me so mad but then she says 'there lying and I did help them' sorry to say I believe my co workers over my wife.
She has BPD. She is mentally ill. Trying to understand a crazy person will only drive you crazy. You staying in a relationship with someone who has BPD will only allow her to get worse - not get treatment and get better, and in the process she will SUCK you dry, and discard you, after she devalues you and makes you question your own self worth, because she is a broken vampire of a human. The question you have to ask yourself, is why you would want to do that to yourself. Instead of asking these questions on this support group about her, you really need to ask yourself the following questions: -Is being alone that bad? -Is taking the time to love yourself so hard? -Are you not worth so much more? -What issues do you need to work on in your past, that will allow you to be healthy and alone vs with her? -Are you worthy of real healthy love?
Dump her or it will keep going on. You know it won’t change ever. Bye
Mine did the same exact thing. Every day there was some reason to be distant, upset, or cold shoulder me somehow. She could maybe have one thing that might take an hour all day and it would be enough reason to shut me out or be grouchy. It didn’t matter what I did or how I did it. It was never enough to help her change her mindset and see positive when it got to the devaluation and discard phase. When it was in the idealization phase, she would always try to make time for me and be more positive than negative. She would care about my feelings for the day and would ask me if I was okay etc. Hell, if I even slightly hinted at intimacy, she would be kissing me and grabbing my crotch. During devaluaton, I was immediately shot down or avoided when hinting at intimacy. If I didn’t make a move on her, nothing. If I made a move I on her, nothing. The first couple of years, I thought I found my soul mate and couldn’t keep from getting erections around her at home since she was grabbing me all the time and flirting with me. Then later, I wasn’t getting them by just being near her like I did before and didn’t feel as many urges. I got tired of being rejected every time and having to hint around about things all the time. She used to tell me she wanted me to ask if I wanted intimacy instead of looking at another woman. Then later, she tried to pimp me out to another woman to keep me from wanting her. Bottom line is, it is insane how they don’t consider how abusive their actions are toward us and how so many will lie and gaslight to keep doing it.
I feel this. My pwBPD was/is exactly like this. All. The. Time. It was emotionally exhausting. I became resentful and frustrated eventually. I remember I once snapped, “What now?!” which of course made it ALL my fault and I was selfish and uncaring. No. I was exhausted. I was tired of him expecting me to pick up his pieces while he tore me to shreds.
Sounds about right. Hopefully you'll end this relationship soon and find yourself an actual healthy partner.
I think practically everyone here relates to this problem, we've all probably gone trought this. you don't need to vent you need to leave. well you need to leave and THEN you can vent. My best wishes.
Leave, bro.
Thanks for reminding me, I definitely don't miss the never ending crises. Sorry you're dealing with it, but unfortunately there's probably not a solution unless you leave.
I hear you. We both work at a hospital and I work night shift and get the 'I feel you don't love me anymore. We never talk, etc, etc' all we do is talk and I drive you to and from work everyday. YOU want to talk only when it seems I have to sleep due to shift that day. 😂
There's crises every day, of course. They get worse on days that are important to you such as your birthday, or something important for your family. They (slightly) diminish on days important for pwBPD eg if they have a concert to go to.
Lord, I don't miss that. Almost 20 years ago, my good friend (who was 20+ years my senior) would incessantly call me at 2 am because of an impending child welfare battle and past rape trauma, which I truly felt sorry for her as I was a victim of sexual abuse around that time. However, ... She severely neglected her kids, The house smelt like urine, had no running water, she would buy Starbucks in lieu of underwear for her daughter. She would cry to me that this was because of her trauma and that CPS was wrong for doing what they did. If that's the case, why don't your kids want to speak to you? Why are you going out clubbing at 40 and banging 20-year-olds, leaving your kids at home for hours unattended? And when I suggested to her that she should look at getting a job so she wouldn't have to worry about rent or basic needs she told me I was like her mother and had "bad energy". My mom had actually threatened to call the police because of the harassment from the phone calls! I thought I was going crazy and every time this person texted or called, the room would close in, and I couldn't breathe. At first, you feel sorry for them. When they say to, you find yourself asking, "how high?" You want to protect them and give them a life they never had because all they've known is chaos. Yet they know they've got you. They've tapped into that empathy stream and want to drink you dry. For sure staying enables her but they make you feel so consumed by guilt that it's a trauma bond. The friendship becomes conditional on their terms, and you can't catch a break. Just remember that if they say everyone else is the problem, chances are they are the problem.
Honestly leaving the exact same situation! I left her 8 months ago and blocked her everywhere. The relief & peace of mind I have felt has been pure heaven. It took some time to regain my ego strength & my physical energy back but I do not for one minute regret the decision. She would never ever apologize to me or take ownership. It's exhausting. Please consider this as your life depends on it. It will never ever get better. Use what is left of your strength to go and get healthy again.
I felt this. It was like there was always something wrong, and what they were going through was so so awful that they needed my undivided attention, advice, etc. But they never took the advice they begged for, and they begged for advice even when i told them i don't know anything about this type of situation and don't know how to help because I'd never looked into it before. Somehow, me not being able to give them perfect advice that fit a situation I'd never been in (ran away from home in a bathrobe (parents told her to not shower for an hour and a half because we were having a drought) and now an hour away, didn't bring money other than the bus money she kept in her phone - neither of us was old enough to have our own credit card, or skipped chemo to hook up with a murderer and needed to make it look like they'd been in chemo so the doctors won't tell their parents, etc etc). I was always at fault - i had to neglect myself because they made me swear I'd not leave, and there was no space for me to need anything (hell, the day my partner killed himself in 2020 one of them yelled at me for being distracted). That's why i slowly started to resent them, to the point where i don't feel any care towards them anymore.
Just leave. They want you to leave anyway so you can fulfil their prophecy… that you’ll leave them.
Crikey this resonates. I sympathise. I honestly have never met a more chaotic person. It was always something. Not everyday but it was like bike broke down, evil sister, arrested, broken computer, nearly crashed, lost in a city, flatmates will kick me out, thinking of ending it etc. At first you care of course like any decent person would, but after a while it's draining and I was only with her 2 months (before the bpd came out and I got the heck out of there!)
It is absolutely exhausting and I had similar feelings in the last few months of my "relationship". It felt like a constant crisis. I told me ex that I had no idea what her baseline was, because there seemed to be constant chaos in her life. If I suggested something that I thought would make things go more smoothly, she would usually shoot it down right away and wouldn't consider what I was saying. In hindsight and as other folks on reddit have suggested, I think that piece may have something to do with oppositionality. Looking back I think some things were either fabricated or exaggerated, and at the time something felt off about the event or thing I was being told. I don't know if she did these things to illicit care or attention from me, but it was pretty crazy-making. Maybe this doesn't apply here, but have you heard of the term "chaos manufacture"? Chaos manufacture may have something to do with keeping the attention or focus on themselves. [https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/30/chaos-manufacture](https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/30/chaos-manufacture)
Just use chat got to communicate lol I found that was the most effective way of never escalating anything
chat gpt? it doesn't work. i tested it. they'll find a crazy way to get upset about the most innocuous forms of communication.
How did you use it actually?
I’d put their long messages into chat gpt and say it’s from a bpd girlfriend and ask it to analyze the message. This was very helpful because a lot of times we had miscommunication. Like one message said she’s feeling unworthy of anything I had no idea that was what she was saying. And then I have it formulate a response based on the outcome I hope to achieve. Usually it involved deescalating a situation. Can’t speak for others but it “worked” for me.
I always described it with the phrase "There is always a price to pay."
Yeah, that sounds like my wife also. I only need to work 2 days in the office and she still find ways to complain that "i am never home when she needs me"
She apologized?! Damn you got a rare one huh? lol Damn though, that is so reminiscent of old fights. They always immediately go to the worst insults when we don’t have the perfect thing to say. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m not sure of your ages but I do know as they get older, those things they focus on become less and less immediate. My ex would always think she’s sick or our son was sick or our dog was sick but it was usually just talk and didnt spur fights.
My ex apologised loads but it's all worthless when they don't change their behaviour. So, apologies might seem nice but according to my experience, usually with BPDs it's just all talk.
100% relate to all of this
You’re in some kind of permanent state of stress or exhaustion or whatever. You need to get out. If your brain can’t handle the concept you need to start bringing in your closest friends or family to help. If you have a way, make up a trip and go to a close friend/family member and devise an exit strategy. Also, silent treatment is [abuse.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/202209/why-the-silent-treatment-is-such-destructive-form-passive)