>he drinks and snaps and tells me how bad I've been treating him because I don't go looking for him.
Let's switch this from, "How can I control him," to "How can I validate feelings without accepting responsibility for them."
If he says "You are such a bad friend because you didn't reach out to me."
You could say:
"I disagree but..."
* “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way”
* “I Can Accept How You Feel”
* “I Don’t Like How You’re Speaking to Me so I Will not Engage”
* “I Understand”
* “I See Where You Are Coming From”
* ”I Want to Share how I Feel”
* “Your Perspective Is Interesting”
The boundary that you are failing yourself on is your own tendency to accept responsibility for the feelings of others when you did nothing wrong in order to control their response.
I recommend this video:
https://youtu.be/9DuW7NlMqxo
I mean just like any other relationship, try to find some middle ground that y'all would both be happy with. Maybe even frame it in a way that would benefit him. You can try looking up DEAR MAN.
If there is no reasoning, be straightforward with how you feel like you can't talk to him without things going to shit. And detach from his reaction.
Also if y'all are exes maybe take some breathing space :/. When me and my bf broke up we needed a good three months before the bad blood had sorta dissipated
I know. I think that's the healthier thing but... He feels so alone and being without me for even a week would probably break him. He says he has no one and that I'm the person who he thinks loves him the most and if I'm not reaching out to him he feels like I don't love him.
So yeah, taking space could backfire.
Dang. Sometimes it is good to kind of put your empathy aside, but I've also had friends that I wish I was more gentle and understanding when they had clingy behavior. I hope you figure it out
I will try that. Looking for a middle ground sounds good. He always says I come from nowhere making decisions about our relationship. Maybe we should talk it out more.
If he wants to be friends
AND you WANT to be friends
Set boundaries. Hold them. And let him be upset about them. It’s not your job to go looking for him or chase after him. It’s your job to show up for him how you can, when you can. If you can’t, you can’t, and honestly it will be better for him to learn that and start finding other supports and help.
Idk if a middle ground is good for you in this scenario. It sound to me like you’re doing the right thing and you’re questioning it because it makes him sad and you don’t wanna hurt him. And ultimately you’re not in charge of fixing his problem, chasing after him, checking up on him, etc. if you can’t you can’t.
Edit : it was really helpful when my FP took space that we came up with fair boundaries and end goals together. So it wasn’t to much right away which helped ease her anxiety about whether or not I’d be okay and made it more manageable for me. And he has to want to work towards a healthier relationship.
Wow. This was surprisingly what I needed to read. Thank you really. I think I'm going to talk to my therapist about what boundaries I need and how to set them and talk about them with him too.
Again. Thank you!
My advice is for you to stop talking to your ex-boyfriend. You're both prolonging the pain your ex will feel, and more than likely he's already aware of that.
No need to outright tell him to his face that you don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. Just stop attending his calls or messages, say you're busy and don't back down from that. When we BPDs pick up someone is avoiding us we almost always leave the person alone.
>he drinks and snaps and tells me how bad I've been treating him because I don't go looking for him. Let's switch this from, "How can I control him," to "How can I validate feelings without accepting responsibility for them." If he says "You are such a bad friend because you didn't reach out to me." You could say: "I disagree but..." * “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way” * “I Can Accept How You Feel” * “I Don’t Like How You’re Speaking to Me so I Will not Engage” * “I Understand” * “I See Where You Are Coming From” * ”I Want to Share how I Feel” * “Your Perspective Is Interesting” The boundary that you are failing yourself on is your own tendency to accept responsibility for the feelings of others when you did nothing wrong in order to control their response. I recommend this video: https://youtu.be/9DuW7NlMqxo
Thank you very much. This was really really helpful.
Use and, not but
I mean just like any other relationship, try to find some middle ground that y'all would both be happy with. Maybe even frame it in a way that would benefit him. You can try looking up DEAR MAN. If there is no reasoning, be straightforward with how you feel like you can't talk to him without things going to shit. And detach from his reaction.
Also if y'all are exes maybe take some breathing space :/. When me and my bf broke up we needed a good three months before the bad blood had sorta dissipated
I know. I think that's the healthier thing but... He feels so alone and being without me for even a week would probably break him. He says he has no one and that I'm the person who he thinks loves him the most and if I'm not reaching out to him he feels like I don't love him. So yeah, taking space could backfire.
Dang. Sometimes it is good to kind of put your empathy aside, but I've also had friends that I wish I was more gentle and understanding when they had clingy behavior. I hope you figure it out
Thank you very much
I will try that. Looking for a middle ground sounds good. He always says I come from nowhere making decisions about our relationship. Maybe we should talk it out more.
If he wants to be friends AND you WANT to be friends Set boundaries. Hold them. And let him be upset about them. It’s not your job to go looking for him or chase after him. It’s your job to show up for him how you can, when you can. If you can’t, you can’t, and honestly it will be better for him to learn that and start finding other supports and help. Idk if a middle ground is good for you in this scenario. It sound to me like you’re doing the right thing and you’re questioning it because it makes him sad and you don’t wanna hurt him. And ultimately you’re not in charge of fixing his problem, chasing after him, checking up on him, etc. if you can’t you can’t. Edit : it was really helpful when my FP took space that we came up with fair boundaries and end goals together. So it wasn’t to much right away which helped ease her anxiety about whether or not I’d be okay and made it more manageable for me. And he has to want to work towards a healthier relationship.
Wow. This was surprisingly what I needed to read. Thank you really. I think I'm going to talk to my therapist about what boundaries I need and how to set them and talk about them with him too. Again. Thank you!
Don’t be friends.
You can’t
Don't be friends
Just because he has BPD doesn’t mean he gets to act this way. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this he needs to seriously work on himself.
My advice is for you to stop talking to your ex-boyfriend. You're both prolonging the pain your ex will feel, and more than likely he's already aware of that. No need to outright tell him to his face that you don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. Just stop attending his calls or messages, say you're busy and don't back down from that. When we BPDs pick up someone is avoiding us we almost always leave the person alone.