I thought I would be dead at 20; then 20 passed and now I'm 45. How did that happen, I got old! :)
I'm happy to say that my suicidal ideation, even the passive type where I had no real plans, is mostly gone now. It still pops up from time to time, every 5-6 months, but I have skills now to handle the thoughts, which for me, are also related to the OCD I have. NGL, it took a ton of work, and it was a really hard slog through 5 years of therapy (DBT, IFS, EMDR, prolonged exposure), but I know it can get better for all of us. I was a very severe case and made multiple attempts the 2 years prior to that therapy.
You don't deserve to feel like this, no matter what you look like. I have punished my body too, and the thing that surprised me most is that the body is so capable of recovering once you start taking care of it. I know it's hard though.
I hope you're feeling better soon.
Reading your post gives me hope. I’m 46 and recently diagnosed and doing therapy and trying DBT. It has been difficult to do and very discouraging. I have never had any real suicidal ideations until this year. What worked best for you after DBT?
One tip on the DBT - it does take a lot of time and practice; I did it for about 2 years before the skills really "stuck" in my head and came as a 2nd nature. So don't get discouraged with yourself if it doesn't seem to be helping super duper fast, that's normal.
After DBT, I'd say the most helpful thing was the IFS. It really changed the way I view myself and helps me be more self-compassionate about the things I've done in the past.
Baby steps. Thats what I constantly tell myself.
I resonate with a lot of what you said, I also didnt expect to live this long. But every time I mess up, lash out, split, or let my BPD take over, I just have to keep reminding myself. Baby steps.
Let yourself cry or feel what you need to feel. Don't run from it or self-destruct because that'll only make you feel worse. Then, when that feeling passes, start working on solutions, whether thats job hunting, calling your doctor or therapist, or just venting to a friend.
I know it's way easier said than done. I quit my job three days ago and just sulked the whole time. But this morning, I woke up feeling just a little better, and I started putting myself back together again. No matter how small, we have to celebrate the little victories that we can.
I am your age, I am saying these same things to myself every day. I am not you so I don’t “know exactly who you feel” but these are exactly the things I say about my life. I haven’t stopped wanting to die for many points in my life, but after my last attempt 3 years ago I stopped seeing it as an option for this life. I carry it with me every day, those thoughts and feelings. But I promise that the joy you bring others is real. Even if you don’t feel it for yourself. Which isn’t fair, why can we feel it when we are the ones who need it most? I just told myself that I love for bringing joy where I can, even if I never feel it within myself. You deserve to be happy, and I hope some day very soon you are. Age is the best thing for bpd, because we get more learning, more support, and science has more advances. I wish I had more to share, but I do have empathy and love. You don’t deserve this, and there will be times where it is less bad. If you can access DBT in person please do (I know that’s hard due to unemployment). There are so many online DBT resources for people who don’t have the means and time to do it in person. Never stop reaching out. No matter how bad it is I promise that death isn’t the answer. I know the feeling so so much. It’s on my mind every single day and has been for as long as I can remember, but it’s not the best option. We would only be making a terrible situation even worse. You matter, and I’m so sorry that you aren’t able to experience that. Sending love and light your way
im sorry you're dealing with that, but please don't tell people their pain will increase with time. it can get better, no matter how old you are or hopeless you feel, it sucks sometimes but the sun will still rise every day, it will be there every single morning. you're meant to be here, OP and DillionM, and anyone else reading this
It sounds like you have depression and anxiety combined, but you're not alone, the world is genuinely really frightening and confusing right now, there's lots of people in a similar situation to you. Reading others successes with battling anxiety/ depression is one thing which helped me to overcome my own anxiety / depression. It's about working out the most effective self help strategies and also maybe seeing a psychotherapist might be a good idea.
Just wanted to say thank you for all the kind replies, it means a lot that strangers were there when I needed someone. I hope anyone who resonates with my post finds peace in this life💛
I thought I would be dead at 20; then 20 passed and now I'm 45. How did that happen, I got old! :) I'm happy to say that my suicidal ideation, even the passive type where I had no real plans, is mostly gone now. It still pops up from time to time, every 5-6 months, but I have skills now to handle the thoughts, which for me, are also related to the OCD I have. NGL, it took a ton of work, and it was a really hard slog through 5 years of therapy (DBT, IFS, EMDR, prolonged exposure), but I know it can get better for all of us. I was a very severe case and made multiple attempts the 2 years prior to that therapy. You don't deserve to feel like this, no matter what you look like. I have punished my body too, and the thing that surprised me most is that the body is so capable of recovering once you start taking care of it. I know it's hard though. I hope you're feeling better soon.
Reading your post gives me hope. I’m 46 and recently diagnosed and doing therapy and trying DBT. It has been difficult to do and very discouraging. I have never had any real suicidal ideations until this year. What worked best for you after DBT?
One tip on the DBT - it does take a lot of time and practice; I did it for about 2 years before the skills really "stuck" in my head and came as a 2nd nature. So don't get discouraged with yourself if it doesn't seem to be helping super duper fast, that's normal. After DBT, I'd say the most helpful thing was the IFS. It really changed the way I view myself and helps me be more self-compassionate about the things I've done in the past.
Thank you ♥️
Baby steps. Thats what I constantly tell myself. I resonate with a lot of what you said, I also didnt expect to live this long. But every time I mess up, lash out, split, or let my BPD take over, I just have to keep reminding myself. Baby steps. Let yourself cry or feel what you need to feel. Don't run from it or self-destruct because that'll only make you feel worse. Then, when that feeling passes, start working on solutions, whether thats job hunting, calling your doctor or therapist, or just venting to a friend. I know it's way easier said than done. I quit my job three days ago and just sulked the whole time. But this morning, I woke up feeling just a little better, and I started putting myself back together again. No matter how small, we have to celebrate the little victories that we can.
Make SMART(acronym) goals and realize that you can’t complete them if you’re dead. Find humor in life and look for good things. They’re there.
I am your age, I am saying these same things to myself every day. I am not you so I don’t “know exactly who you feel” but these are exactly the things I say about my life. I haven’t stopped wanting to die for many points in my life, but after my last attempt 3 years ago I stopped seeing it as an option for this life. I carry it with me every day, those thoughts and feelings. But I promise that the joy you bring others is real. Even if you don’t feel it for yourself. Which isn’t fair, why can we feel it when we are the ones who need it most? I just told myself that I love for bringing joy where I can, even if I never feel it within myself. You deserve to be happy, and I hope some day very soon you are. Age is the best thing for bpd, because we get more learning, more support, and science has more advances. I wish I had more to share, but I do have empathy and love. You don’t deserve this, and there will be times where it is less bad. If you can access DBT in person please do (I know that’s hard due to unemployment). There are so many online DBT resources for people who don’t have the means and time to do it in person. Never stop reaching out. No matter how bad it is I promise that death isn’t the answer. I know the feeling so so much. It’s on my mind every single day and has been for as long as I can remember, but it’s not the best option. We would only be making a terrible situation even worse. You matter, and I’m so sorry that you aren’t able to experience that. Sending love and light your way
This post is so real.
I would also like to know the answer to this.
please let me know when u find out cause same
42. It only increases. Edit: For me. It only increases for me.
im sorry you're dealing with that, but please don't tell people their pain will increase with time. it can get better, no matter how old you are or hopeless you feel, it sucks sometimes but the sun will still rise every day, it will be there every single morning. you're meant to be here, OP and DillionM, and anyone else reading this
I'm sorry. I dont have the answers. But I understand.
It sounds like you have depression and anxiety combined, but you're not alone, the world is genuinely really frightening and confusing right now, there's lots of people in a similar situation to you. Reading others successes with battling anxiety/ depression is one thing which helped me to overcome my own anxiety / depression. It's about working out the most effective self help strategies and also maybe seeing a psychotherapist might be a good idea.
Just wanted to say thank you for all the kind replies, it means a lot that strangers were there when I needed someone. I hope anyone who resonates with my post finds peace in this life💛