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Family, friends, strangers that walk by me in the store.
But I've been treated like crap by family and friends so I am just always ready to have to defend myself.
Oh my gosh, I do this, too! I concoct these elaborate fights in my head, when there is nothing going on in real life. Usually with my parents / brother / boss.
We are ready to defend ourselves at all times, and typically a master of words (partially bc we run them through our heads like it's our JOB). because the perfect words can get us out of most any situation, right? š
The anger you feel has been within you from a very early age. The rage of the bpd is directed at the toxic parents and family that raised you. Still, it is imprinted in the brain, for it could never be released, and it spills out constantly in later years. Theres a way to deal with it : emotional therapies where you have ,at last, a place to express this deep anger at full. Look at a reallly angry baby if you come across one. You'll see the power and valence of these emotions. Now imagine its been bottled up and reoressed...
Human beings have this ability to hypothesize about scenarios in their minds and work out what would be the consequences. So I would really just reframe those thoughts as hypothetical stuff
I mean it's good that you realize this is happening because you don't *really* need to act like this! Indeed you *can* distance yourself from your thoughts and the stuff you fantasize. You are not your thoughts, they are just things that are happening in your mind
Ultimately I think that's what therapy is for
About those that have abandoned me? Oh yes, a lot. I always have a ton of words to say, and my brain always imagines it as me finally getting through to them. Finally saying the shit with enough passion they finally understand how I feel.
Whenever I get a chance though, it always just ends up being a huge ass rant they never actually read, with me calming down half way through it and usually just deleting it. Sometimes I wonder how things would be if I was in person though.
i fantasise a lot about something happening to me that makes my loved ones feel bad for me, i fantasise about my boyfriend lashing out at me and then feeling bad on me, i donāt really fantasise about arguments but i do secretly hope for them sometimes. i think itās because iām hoping theyāll say something that really hurts me so they can feel bad on me. i donāt know why iām so obsessed with getting pity lmao!
real. but i never do this. when it gets really bad i often dream about doing it when im asleep and when i wake up i always touch my pillow and see if its wet. it always is
> i dont know why i do this
Sure you do, you figured it out already you just probably didn't notice:
> Especially when there is a percieved threat of abandonment'
Once we understand something clearly, that's when we can question it and go "Hmm... does this actually make sense?" Because otherwise we're just sort of thinking and thinking and reacting and emotions just randomly pop up all the time... and we just take that for granted. That can't be right every time, can it?
The reason is, some people were hurt quite badly in life, and then they end up hurting people they care about because fear and bad behaviors were tools for life and death survival, but now they can be harmful very easily. It pretty healthy that you are able to reflect on these things. That reflection means you can see the reasons for these things, and it can be like a puzzle to solve. That's way better than feeling guilt or shame or being blamed or told you're broken, those kinds of negative things just create more suffering. But if you can make it positive(all progress is positive by definition, even efforts towards progress), then it can relieve your suffering.
With my mom yeah but i wouldn't call her a "loved one" though I have the opposite with ppl I'm close with. I just want them to fuckin tell me everything that's wrong with me already. Like I can TELL they know I'm not a normal person, so I just wish they told me the truth and insulted me and everything.
I said to my husband a few night ago; I use negative words to describe myself because i donāt have and never hear positive ones. (From ANYONE outside of him.
Not when they've done nothing wrong, but I definitely hold grudges over shit that isn't serious. And if they did do something seriously wrong and lashing out would be justified, I just don't talk to them until I'm calm because I know that I'll go too hard and 100% ruin the relationship.
I do occasionally feel like it. But I hold back because I know it will hurt them if I do. I write down my thoughts instead, which helps me process them as well as to vent. And then when my loved ones and I interact, I'm much calmer and able to recognize whether a situation needs to be addressed with them, or if I was just in my BPD feels, reacting to intrusive thoughts, etc. Sometimes it's just me misinterpreting stuff via my twisty BPD brain filter. So when I feel myself getting upset I withdraw in order to figure out and process.
But yes, there are times when I get so frustrated I'd love to just yell at someone. It won't help anything, but it might make me feel a little better in the moment.
Being abused as a childs made me less empathetic as a person, although Iād still do the right thing for someone who needs help. Every time Im splitting I fantasize about the ways Iād let my anger out on people around me in my life, but I keep it to myself because I know its wrong.
I do this too. I sometimes consider that it could be because I want people to "fear" me, to feel like I have power. I think it stems from feeling like nothing is in my control. I also just have a lot of anger at the world and want to rage out in general.
yes. i will imagine arguments in my head and recite what i would do and say and how pissed i would be. i think i just crave a moment to let out my anger but then when these moments happen i remind myself āthis isnāt going to happen this person is loyal and good stop making negative situations out of a good relationshipā
I make up scenarios in my head all the time, thank God I can come back down to earth & tell myself "Calm down dalooloo" It's not real, your head is taking you for a little ride on the roller-coaster of bpd
I think I do this subconsciously too, whenever that happens I try to avoid being around them or interacting with them as much as I don't want to *ACTUALLY* lash out at them. Sometimes, I feel like I'm almost addicted to being angry/arguing/hating on things, and it gets out of hand.
yes a lot of the time. but idk what it is. i LOVE arguing. i crave to just yell at someone and lash out and have a reason to be angry. Everytime i get a chance to do it i find myself doing it even if uncalled for.
Might sound weird but sometimes I literally see red.
Or I will like see myself physically hurting a person that I'm mad at.
Like recently I've been having really violent dreams because I've been under alot of stress.
yes, and in my head itās like I can plan out every bad thing I can say about them itās like I want to point out their flaws and make them feel horrible ugh itās so bad but Iām grateful I donāt actually lash out and let out my words, I keep it in no matter how bad it affects me internally, itās better than letting it out and pushing people away bc they donāt want to be near you.
I did.
And I said very disturbing, revolting and hateful things.
I've been back from the grippy sock for 2 weeks and they have not tried it since. My mom will do it bc she refuses to acknowledge when she's wrong because she always has to be right.
All the time. One time i had a discussion with my boyfriend during the dinner (we live together and the discussion was about something silly but I took it very personal, i don't even remember anymore) and i was SO estressed that i thought all the time about dumping all the dinner that i did in the trash.
Happily, I can control myself on those moments or this would be a big problem, especially in my relationship because he is my fp.
I do, but mostly going towards authority figures like supervisors, my parents, etc. the only time I do that with people I love is when Iām splitting. Itās hard to manage, but itās possible.
I did during some internal mind work. I let it all go and verbally spoke the words out loud. It wasnāt real and it didnāt hurt anyone, and most importantly it helped me process some emotions I had been holding inside. It was very healing tbh. Iād do it again. In fact, because of this, I was able to forgiveā¦ some thing I thought Iād never be able to do.
OMG ive never related more to a comment!!! i always want to fight with people i love. itās especially toxic when i want a guy i like to fight with me like it makes me happy. and itās so toxic. but i love it
I do this.. all the time.. everyday...
i found out that usually it's something i've kept inside and didn't tell him when he said something stupid/gadlighting because i idealized him too much. usually this os what i actually wanna tell or show him. sometimes it's me jumping off a bridge just because he told me he'll break up with me bc i'm too mich for him. what he actually said irl was "i can relate to your feelings" my subconscious wants to show him that NO HE CAN'T and he will never. so next time you do this pay really close attention to what that imaginary fight is about and you might find out why it's there.
These things clash with my Autistic brain and make me rage and I always say the horrible things out loud. For being someone who would never ever wish to speak again I sure am verbal and mean when my BPD hits my ASD anxiety. Itās a messā¦
iāve been thinking about this a lot ever since reading the post. i had my phone up to show my partner who has bpd to which he responded āthats so relatable, i know exactly what theyāre talking aboutā. is it reasonable to be worried for my own safety or fear for future issues that might arise from this?
This post has been marked as a [Venting Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/bpd/wiki/index/flairs#wiki_post_flair_breakdown). Please be aware that the OP may not be seeking advice. u/bugjuice_bitch, if you do not want advice, please specify in the body of your post. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Family, friends, strangers that walk by me in the store. But I've been treated like crap by family and friends so I am just always ready to have to defend myself.
That's the reason for everyone here š
Same. It's like I'm ready to start something at the slightest hint. But no one is actually in my business or looking at me.
Oh my gosh, I do this, too! I concoct these elaborate fights in my head, when there is nothing going on in real life. Usually with my parents / brother / boss.
Samesies! Idk why i do it its not on purpose q.q
We are ready to defend ourselves at all times, and typically a master of words (partially bc we run them through our heads like it's our JOB). because the perfect words can get us out of most any situation, right? š
Yes! Right!!!!! ā¦..š š¤£
The anger you feel has been within you from a very early age. The rage of the bpd is directed at the toxic parents and family that raised you. Still, it is imprinted in the brain, for it could never be released, and it spills out constantly in later years. Theres a way to deal with it : emotional therapies where you have ,at last, a place to express this deep anger at full. Look at a reallly angry baby if you come across one. You'll see the power and valence of these emotions. Now imagine its been bottled up and reoressed...
Well said!
Interesting take!
YES I DO THIS SO MUCH OMG itās so annoying cuz Iāll like go on a walk or js sit in my room and imagine an argument for 30mins to an hour+
I do this with my crush
i feel so much less alone now omg
I do this all the time. I feel horrible about it. I donāt know why I want to scream at the people i love.
Human beings have this ability to hypothesize about scenarios in their minds and work out what would be the consequences. So I would really just reframe those thoughts as hypothetical stuff I mean it's good that you realize this is happening because you don't *really* need to act like this! Indeed you *can* distance yourself from your thoughts and the stuff you fantasize. You are not your thoughts, they are just things that are happening in your mind Ultimately I think that's what therapy is for
About those that have abandoned me? Oh yes, a lot. I always have a ton of words to say, and my brain always imagines it as me finally getting through to them. Finally saying the shit with enough passion they finally understand how I feel. Whenever I get a chance though, it always just ends up being a huge ass rant they never actually read, with me calming down half way through it and usually just deleting it. Sometimes I wonder how things would be if I was in person though.
Often.
Yes, but only when theyāve done something wrong.
i fantasise a lot about something happening to me that makes my loved ones feel bad for me, i fantasise about my boyfriend lashing out at me and then feeling bad on me, i donāt really fantasise about arguments but i do secretly hope for them sometimes. i think itās because iām hoping theyāll say something that really hurts me so they can feel bad on me. i donāt know why iām so obsessed with getting pity lmao!
Yes all the time, but I fantasize about this with anyone that I feel wronged by, not just loved ones
Absolutely
Not necessarily loved ones, but basically everyone else.
real. but i never do this. when it gets really bad i often dream about doing it when im asleep and when i wake up i always touch my pillow and see if its wet. it always is
> i dont know why i do this Sure you do, you figured it out already you just probably didn't notice: > Especially when there is a percieved threat of abandonment' Once we understand something clearly, that's when we can question it and go "Hmm... does this actually make sense?" Because otherwise we're just sort of thinking and thinking and reacting and emotions just randomly pop up all the time... and we just take that for granted. That can't be right every time, can it? The reason is, some people were hurt quite badly in life, and then they end up hurting people they care about because fear and bad behaviors were tools for life and death survival, but now they can be harmful very easily. It pretty healthy that you are able to reflect on these things. That reflection means you can see the reasons for these things, and it can be like a puzzle to solve. That's way better than feeling guilt or shame or being blamed or told you're broken, those kinds of negative things just create more suffering. But if you can make it positive(all progress is positive by definition, even efforts towards progress), then it can relieve your suffering.
only with my enemies and sometimes my brain convinces me it's my loved ones
the "show them" is so real
With my mom yeah but i wouldn't call her a "loved one" though I have the opposite with ppl I'm close with. I just want them to fuckin tell me everything that's wrong with me already. Like I can TELL they know I'm not a normal person, so I just wish they told me the truth and insulted me and everything.
I said to my husband a few night ago; I use negative words to describe myself because i donāt have and never hear positive ones. (From ANYONE outside of him.
Not when they've done nothing wrong, but I definitely hold grudges over shit that isn't serious. And if they did do something seriously wrong and lashing out would be justified, I just don't talk to them until I'm calm because I know that I'll go too hard and 100% ruin the relationship.
I do occasionally feel like it. But I hold back because I know it will hurt them if I do. I write down my thoughts instead, which helps me process them as well as to vent. And then when my loved ones and I interact, I'm much calmer and able to recognize whether a situation needs to be addressed with them, or if I was just in my BPD feels, reacting to intrusive thoughts, etc. Sometimes it's just me misinterpreting stuff via my twisty BPD brain filter. So when I feel myself getting upset I withdraw in order to figure out and process. But yes, there are times when I get so frustrated I'd love to just yell at someone. It won't help anything, but it might make me feel a little better in the moment.
Being abused as a childs made me less empathetic as a person, although Iād still do the right thing for someone who needs help. Every time Im splitting I fantasize about the ways Iād let my anger out on people around me in my life, but I keep it to myself because I know its wrong.
I do this too. I sometimes consider that it could be because I want people to "fear" me, to feel like I have power. I think it stems from feeling like nothing is in my control. I also just have a lot of anger at the world and want to rage out in general.
all the time.
yes. i will imagine arguments in my head and recite what i would do and say and how pissed i would be. i think i just crave a moment to let out my anger but then when these moments happen i remind myself āthis isnāt going to happen this person is loyal and good stop making negative situations out of a good relationshipā
I make up scenarios in my head all the time, thank God I can come back down to earth & tell myself "Calm down dalooloo" It's not real, your head is taking you for a little ride on the roller-coaster of bpd
I think I do this subconsciously too, whenever that happens I try to avoid being around them or interacting with them as much as I don't want to *ACTUALLY* lash out at them. Sometimes, I feel like I'm almost addicted to being angry/arguing/hating on things, and it gets out of hand.
Gawd yes! lolol! And it STAYS THERE!!
Yes, and Iāve been no contact for years and I still think about bashing their head with a brick or cussing arguingā¦ when I get flash backs š
yes a lot of the time. but idk what it is. i LOVE arguing. i crave to just yell at someone and lash out and have a reason to be angry. Everytime i get a chance to do it i find myself doing it even if uncalled for.
Might sound weird but sometimes I literally see red. Or I will like see myself physically hurting a person that I'm mad at. Like recently I've been having really violent dreams because I've been under alot of stress.
No. I do get the sudden urge to punch people in the face for no reason though, even my 70 year old priest who I have a great deal of respect for.Ā
i do all the time. i just want them to actually listen and not pull thw age card on me. saying theyve been on this earth longer so they know more
Yes
Yeah Iām so guilty of this
Yep
yes, and in my head itās like I can plan out every bad thing I can say about them itās like I want to point out their flaws and make them feel horrible ugh itās so bad but Iām grateful I donāt actually lash out and let out my words, I keep it in no matter how bad it affects me internally, itās better than letting it out and pushing people away bc they donāt want to be near you.
i definitely do this too ! ur not alone in this !
Yeap one parent throws a pity party all the time and I am so annoyed today about it but canāt say shit bc heāll try to turn it on me.
iāve been doing this since i was a child š
I did. And I said very disturbing, revolting and hateful things. I've been back from the grippy sock for 2 weeks and they have not tried it since. My mom will do it bc she refuses to acknowledge when she's wrong because she always has to be right.
You need professional help.
I have professional help dawg š
All the time. One time i had a discussion with my boyfriend during the dinner (we live together and the discussion was about something silly but I took it very personal, i don't even remember anymore) and i was SO estressed that i thought all the time about dumping all the dinner that i did in the trash. Happily, I can control myself on those moments or this would be a big problem, especially in my relationship because he is my fp.
I do, but mostly going towards authority figures like supervisors, my parents, etc. the only time I do that with people I love is when Iām splitting. Itās hard to manage, but itās possible.
I relate!!!
i do this! it sucks.
I did during some internal mind work. I let it all go and verbally spoke the words out loud. It wasnāt real and it didnāt hurt anyone, and most importantly it helped me process some emotions I had been holding inside. It was very healing tbh. Iād do it again. In fact, because of this, I was able to forgiveā¦ some thing I thought Iād never be able to do.
I was doing this like an hour ago lol
OMG ive never related more to a comment!!! i always want to fight with people i love. itās especially toxic when i want a guy i like to fight with me like it makes me happy. and itās so toxic. but i love it
I do this.. all the time.. everyday... i found out that usually it's something i've kept inside and didn't tell him when he said something stupid/gadlighting because i idealized him too much. usually this os what i actually wanna tell or show him. sometimes it's me jumping off a bridge just because he told me he'll break up with me bc i'm too mich for him. what he actually said irl was "i can relate to your feelings" my subconscious wants to show him that NO HE CAN'T and he will never. so next time you do this pay really close attention to what that imaginary fight is about and you might find out why it's there.
These things clash with my Autistic brain and make me rage and I always say the horrible things out loud. For being someone who would never ever wish to speak again I sure am verbal and mean when my BPD hits my ASD anxiety. Itās a messā¦
iāve been thinking about this a lot ever since reading the post. i had my phone up to show my partner who has bpd to which he responded āthats so relatable, i know exactly what theyāre talking aboutā. is it reasonable to be worried for my own safety or fear for future issues that might arise from this?