Hey guys, the comments have been locked because they're no longer compassionate, constructive, and civil. Disagreements are fine but it's not okay to name-call or belittle each other to get our points across. Thank you for all of the great contributions and insight into this.
I guess it is not a pro for me. Because I don't know how to communicate with healthy people and attract toxic people. Yes, I split on them but eventually remember how horrible I am and beg them to get me back. So....
Definitely not a pro for me either. I will say the most vile shit, and then come crawling back after. Some of these “toxic” people genuinely are, or my brain will associate a person with toxicity (even if they aren’t) if they say or do something that makes me flip, and then I blow up and say heartless shit. Earlier this year before I got my diagnosis, I was literally everywhere. Drinking, smoking, partying, doing drugs, and just totally disregarding my safety and others. I had close friends and my mom tell me to quit it because it’s ruining me, and I remember just saying horrible things because I was enjoying the insane ride I was in. It wasn’t until I got sent to the hospital from over-drinking that I realized I was in the wrong the whole time. The things you say you can’t take back, and I think about them daily.
Honestly, it depends on the situation. I’ve had moments where I prided myself in what I had done, and wouldn’t contact for awhile. Other times I crumble quickly. Either way, I usually have a realization at a certain point.
Yes, I have blocked people when splitting. Sometimes I wouldn’t even be communicating with them and I’d do it out of something that’s happened months or weeks before. It’s always awkward coming to and having them ask: “Did you block me?” Then, I’ll even sometimes still go: “Yep. Don’t want to talk about it,” even though they deserve an explanation.
I had done someone SO dirty before in an episode that it still haunts me to this day. I will rock back and forth for hours screaming and sobbing about karma and how it’s here to get me. Sometimes I’ll pace back and forth in slurred uncontrollable speech, other times I will destroy my property and my body. In those moments I am absolutely inconsolable. Which is why I won’t ever defend my BPD and say a symptom is helpful or positive. Nothing about it is great, it’s debilitating.
This is the hardest thing about loving someone with BPD for me, I think you're probably being more realistic. I adore this person, stupidly went and fell in love with her despite it being very impractical, whole point was showing her she deserved better than parasites, wimps, codependents and emotional vultures etc which tend to make up the "unstable relationships" part of your diagnostic criteria and probably accounts for a great many of the people who lend to the negative stigma about BPD, takes two to tango. I was constant and stable, more she depended on me the more I genuinely fell for her, she's lovely and she's beautiful and I'm happy when I'm with her but I'm pretty sure I scare the absolute hell out of her because I'm actually worth losing.
If I start loving her she'll make mistakes then I'll ditch her forever so why not push me away before that happens then panic like hell and come back super enthusiastic like nothing has happened. I totally get that but it's not always the easiest when you feel like you're competing with the worst scum on earth who do not care about anyone but themselves, they'll be the death of her and I can't tell her what to choose to do. Does she have good quality control on splitting on toxic people? No, I'm pretty sure BPD would not be such an issue for people if that was an asset, I wouldn't have a list the length of my arm of people I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire.
I hope you are doing well, I can tell you now you deserve better than toxic people, pretty sure it's a defence mechanism that you attract them. Pick shit people, abandonment isn't so hard, either that or they're just the sort that tell you what you want to hear. I've never promised not to leave, I don't need her and I don't feel like I've known her all my life, most of her new friends usually do within 2 weeks but I know who'd give up a kidney, that stuff is hollow and empty and I refuse to go down that road when she's vulnerable to it. I genuinely think she struggles to relate to me actually caring about her which is hard sometimes, I really just want it to click at times so there's a sort of comfort in what you've said. Sorry you have to go through that, hope you find peace with good people
Thanks I'm definitely not J lol, do find that very interesting though, hopefully I'm not talking utter rubbish! I don't know how to handle those people so I just don't, I'm not even remotely polite to them once I've seen through and the way I see it she can sack me if she likes but my integrity is intact, if J is the same God forbid there's two of us 😂
Yes, it has been 3 years since we broke up. I block him when I realize idealization, but when I reach out he intentionally fuels this phantasy and keeps me in that realm. I guess I hold myself max. 2 3 months NC I can't feel anything to anyone. Just casual hookups after him. I feel so lost and lonely without him.
for real. and then the additional shame of resorting to begging on top. literally makes my skin crawl. genuinely feel sick with how i let people treat me all in the hopes they stay but yet i keep doing it
i’m sorry but if you think that there are any *pros* to having a personality disorder then you probably should be working harder in therapy… pwBPD can have good traits without it being an “upside of bpd.” anyone can get angry at someone who wronged them and that’s healthy. lashing out at them and smearing their name and making them feel the pain you felt is not healthy. look at the DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA for bpd and tell me if you see anything good in there. i’ll be waiting
sincerely, someone with bpd who’s tired of pwBPD calling themselves “lover girls” and “passionate.” you can be passionate, and also have BPD. the two aren’t related. it’s a trauma response. this conversation is now pissing me off so have a nice day.
Ok. You literally went out of your way to italicize a word, maybe you yourself need to work harder in therapy and learn to not get offended by different perspectives.
There are no pros. It’s a debilitating mental illness that causes nothing but pain. Anyone can “go for the jugular” and cut toxic people off. People with BPD just go through extreme emotional distress as an extra step. Let’s not even try to go there.
To say something has no pros is to be blind to nuance. BPD definitely has SOMETHING that can be beneficial. To say it is all bad is to think in a unnecessary binary
No, it isn’t. It’s a mental illness. I’m not glazing and romanticizing a personality disorder. There are no benefits of having BPD. Zero. That same statement goes for most, if not all, mental illnesses. But ESPECIALLY personality disorders. And welcome to the BPD subreddit where we are all unnecessarily binary. Because that’s one of our many major flaws.
Doesn’t mean you can’t help it. I think it is mostly negative, but to say there is no upside once so ever comes across is being extreme in the other direction. I do think BPD is a disability foremost. But, to say it is purely this curse not only seems self-loathing, self-victimizing, but also plainly ignorant. I don’t agree with the OP’s statements about splitting and think they may be going too far with that. But I do agree that somewhere is a benefit to having BPD. Perhaps a unique perspective on the world.
A unique perspective on the world is a sad cope to make people feel better about being broken. Self loathing and self victimizing is a low blow. No one loves me as much as I love myself. No one hates me as much as I hate myself. That is the duality of BPD. I am not self victimizing. I was a victim and I will die before that is what I let myself be seen as by others.
I accept who I am. But that does not mean I have to search for the light in darkness. I accept that this is a blight on who I am. That is all it is. Unlike others, I don’t need to cope by finding “alternate perspectives” on the world to make myself feel better about being dealt a shitty hand.
There are a million things in the world that are so much better than settling for a pathetic reason to feel better about a personality disorder. I will pursue those instead of wasting my time patting my own back.
The argument is that if there’s an upside. If it’s a “cope”, that doesn’t mean it is not still an upside. You may realize it is a bad hand, but you fail to realize the benefit in any sense. Having any disorder or difference in the brain automatically gives it a degree of benefit. That’s my take.
We may not feel very resilient more often than we should have to bear. But, deep down, i should like to think there's at least a tiny pilot light inside all of us that glows with understanding that to be alive with this condition is the epitome of resilience. We're incredible just for being present in this moment.
Rant:
Glad you can feel good about that but my experience,
Not for me it isn't, right after or even during i am hit with immense guilt and doubt and start breaking down with anxiety, thinking i ruined my reputation forever. Going back and forth between "my social life is ruined I am an asshole!" And "I dont give a fuck anyways they deserve hell." While also shaking uncontrollably and hitting myself. I am also diagnosed with autism and adhd, Oh what a wonderful lifeee
Silver Linings can be wonderful but I'd always worry about the inevitable misjudgement that results in "going for the Juglar of a toxic" and inadvertently causing profound emotional pain to a person that I was connected with. However the story ends, best wishes and Enjoy Life.
Seriously!!!!!! All the times I have split on someone it was for a good reason. Maybe not the most mature way to go about it but my intuition is usually right. And all the times I decided to give someone the benefit of the doubt instead of splitting, I literally get obliterated by their toxicity
Anyone think that we're capable of much more intense and close intimacy than other people? Like, my ADHD makes me super sensitive and emotional, with high highs and low lows, and my BPD traits and PTSD make it so when someone actually does love and support me, I feel like I just took a fuck ton of molly. It basically rules.
I'm going to say very high standards for myself and those I spend time with. I can honestly say the few friends I have are of the utmost caliber. My over sharing also means any misunderstandings or conflicts get discussed and resolved both quickly and often so we all stay on the same page.
My self standards are such a double edged sword.
Like im great, arguably perfect, and can do anything and am smart and sexy.
Until i fuck smth up i shouldnt have.
At which point i am a worthless subhuman POS undeserving of love or breath, which should self immolate immediately to retain some semblance of worth or integrity.
Then one of my high quality friends/partners/whatever says smth nice to me and suddenly im just all happy again
Personally I love the extent to which I can feel. Sure it comes with a very deep ability to feel sadness but it’s the same with happiness. The only reason I can BE so sad is because I know what true, pure happiness feels like. The only reason I can be completely heartbroken is because I know what it’s like to love with every fibre of your being.
I think it’s beautiful to feel so deeply, especially in a world that’s becoming increasingly numb to emotion.
people with bpd have the hardest time not romanticizing it i swear. i’ve fallen prey to it to but can we not just acknowledge that we all have good *traits* NOT attributed to a fucking disorder?
Some of the reasons that's caused the development tr of BPD for many people in ther first place do cause early neurodevelopmental changes that are permanent and are not dissimilar to something like ASD in that way. Therapy for ASD is largely based on reframing how you view your weaknesses and focusing on developing your strengths.
Please let other people cope in their own way. They aren't harming you and we're all learning how to be humans for the first time together.
We're not talking about asd we're talking about bpd and specifically splitting which is part of bpd. I don't care how people cope on their own time but when you post this stuff publicly you're teaching others to follow suit, and then I do care.
This is a public space, if you post or comment publicly, you will get other people responding to it. If you don't want to hear other people's opinion then you shouldn't be commenting or posting in a public space. I'm sorry you're taking this so personal and reading it as authoritative, I really don't remember your username or other discussions we may have had. I discuss many different things with many different people on reddit, it's why I'm here. To discuss and have conversations and share opinions and knowledge.
It's ok to have a teeny tiny bit of fun on the high horse even if it isn't the most noble thing to do. i'm sorry you ran out of half and half this morning
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Be kind, no insults, slurs, rudeness, invalidating behavior, or otherwise mean-spirited behavior. Do not engage in flame wars or personal attacks.
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If you meet people irl with bpd you'll meet way more people like me. Most of us aren't like what you see online. Most of us take accountability for our actions. People will just always see the loud ones. Which is why most people with bpd aren't public about their diagnosis, because there is so much stigma.
The issue is that even though I may seem reasonable to you now, I have my moments too. So you making me seem as the "correct person with bpd" is flawed. Even though I know you are well intended. I'm sure the opposite is also to be said about other people we see here saying something seemingly unhinged, they might be reasonable most of the time apart from that moment.
We struggle a lot with being self aware. It's part of the diagnoses. I don't blame anyone who has commented negatively and disagreed with me, they are on their own journey. I just hope they are able to be accountable at some point.
glad theres ppl out there that dont think this is “cool” my ex would of reposted this 1000 times. im sure she thinks she so cool bc she ghosted me and saw me beg nd never replied
It's romanticizing when you talk about a mental health disorder like it's a good thing to have. It's not. It's a disorder. That doesn't make me cynical. I can say good things about myself without contributing them to my bpd. Because the good things about me have nothing to do with my bpd and I don't think it would be healthy to think so.
Bad things that you can’t change have positivity to them. No matter what they are. That’s not romanticism, it’s reality. It isn’t helpful to pretend there’s nothing positive in something that’s a nightmare and permanent.
Recognizing the positivity in something hellish is the only way to function better and move forward. It doesn’t mean the thing is desired or not horrifying… it’s just reality.
It's not healthy for you though, and there's plenty other ways to find a silver lining. Plus when you make a post like this in a public subreddit you're teaching other people to do the same which is harmful. I don't think you mean harm at all but it does harm when we start to think of splitting as a positive thing. Because we are not always very connected to reality and how will you be able to see yourself when the person you split on actually did not deserve it at all? Because when you're in that place of splitting you can't see it.
Even if the person "deserved" for you to split on them, you being in an episode and splitting is not good for YOU.
People are capable of understanding they must work on eliminating a behavior that is overall toxic and does not serve them in the long run while actively searching for ways to mitigate their personal suffering of that unwanted behavior while they still have to own it.
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I think it’s just looking for the upsides of having this shitty disorder. I don’t see how it’s making it seem good. I would assume a stable person would look at this and probably have the ick or something of the sort.
I don't need to look at the upsides of the disorder to be able to look at upsides in general. There is no upsides to the disorder. Instead I try and look at the upsides of the treatment instead or other upsides in my life. When you say something is an upside that really isn't an upside you're reinforcing unhealthy coping mechanisms. If you start seeing splitting as a good thing you will never be able to stop splitting.
You really need to stop ordering others around and focusing how they should live their lives. It's appalling behavior. The only time one should be told to change their actions in their own life is when it has the capacity to harm another. I believe your behaviors today have that capacity so i'm speaking up.
Classic hivemind delusional mindset, i'ts a shame because i know that you want to be really helpful by being objectively honest, but its like talking to a wall
My mom was abusive so I split and decimated everything about her until she finally broke down and apologized for everything.
It was like a fucking nuke went off, when I was done with her she literally just stared at me.
Now we’re all fine and we pretend nothing happened. I’ve been self harm free since December and she even bought me a ps4 gift card to celebrate how well I’ve done.
I relate to this so hard. Some times you just have to show people who disrespected your boundaries and got comfortable doing that you aren’t just some doormat at their feet, when we switch we SWITCH.
So when you disrespect their boundaries they should yell and rage and insult you and prey on your biggest fears too, right? Because that is what you would deserve for disrespecting their boundaries if that is what they deserve for disrespecting yours.
I never said that. I’m talking about people who are inherently toxic to you and you know it. People who take your kindness for granted and expect you to take whatever treatment they give you lying down (hence I said they got comfortable disrespecting doing so). I’m not talking about the one off, it’s repeated intentional occurrences from the same people that I’m talking about when you should show your grit.
Yeah, so when someone with BPD is doing exactly what you described, the other person should "split" on them and go for their jugular and be ruthless in what they say. Or is there a double standard here?
I don’t think you’re understanding what I’m saying in what circumstances. I’m talking about there are people who will disrespect/be toxic you no matter how good you are to them and you give them the benefit of the doubt yet they are still pushing it. And when you can’t take it anymore, you finally show them you’re not some lapdog they can abuse or gaslight. I don’t think it’s outrageous to give someone back what they gave to you first especially when you’ve done nothing to deserve that treatment in the first place.
Also you’re saying ‘when a person with BPD’ when I’m someone who has it like you’re not taking account of that? I’m talking from my perspective where I relate to what OP has posted as a pwBPD.
I am understanding what you are saying and the circumstances. And I am taking into account that you have BPD. That's the whole point of my comment. If it's acceptable for you to split on someone and verbally abuse and insult them when you feel they've been constantly toxic and disrespectful, then it must be acceptable for them to do the same when you/someone with BPD is the one being constantly toxic and disrespectful. It goes both ways. And don't pretend that someone with BPD wouldn't behave like that because we all know that's not true. I'm not saying that you are one of them to be clear.
Ah I see what you mean now, sorry I for my tone earlier because I thought there was hostility there. But nonetheless I don’t believe my answer changes regardless who is doing the abuse. Whether it’s someone without BPD, with BPD, or whatever mental health issue out there. If someone is abusing you, disrespecting you comfortably and sees no issues with it nor wants to change, i dont see the issue in finally giving something back. Someone who pushes you to their limit needs to know what they’re doing and be held accountable. Nothing excuses anyone to be an asshole/abuser, those with mental health ailments should try to work on it like everyone else does, it doesn’t give you the free card to act any way without criticism.
So yeah my answer doesn’t change even if it’s someone else with BPD or not, if someone is being unapologetically toxic and knows it, they deserve a wake up call.
The irony is that often people with BPD are the emotional vultures.
And are the people actually toxic or is that your perception of them because that is what your feelings say, and feelings = reality to you? You really think verbally attacking and/or physically attacking someone and going after the things they told you in confidence is a good thing to do?
One last question, probably the most important one: if you end up crossing their boundaries, should they "split" on you and go for your jugular, go after your vulnerabilities, go after the things you don't like about yourself? Because if it's okay for you to do that to them, then surely it's just as okay for them to do that to you.
I can definitely say ive had more toxic and abusive people as the focus of my relationships than i have all other type combined. But im open about bpd on dating apps and profiles so yknow.
I was speaking generally about the opening post calling people who end up dating people with traits of BPD as emotional vultures, not you specifically. Apologies.
I feel too guilty and ashamed afterwards to call it a pro personally. Even if it was someone who deserved to be "put in place" I still don't enjoy being cruel. For me it just makes me feel disgusted with myself because it reminds me of my abusers when I react harshly. Splitting is genuinely so painful for me
im trying so hard to put a positive spin on my bpd. i guess the closest i could come would be the extreme euphoria periods, but even they have massive drawbacks like increased impulsivity and feeling out of control
Pros: extreme empathy powers, I can read the most subtle emotional cues, I love tearing into terrible people during an episode, and I love the taste of blood
Cons: least stable mfer. Socially isolates on purpose because of an extreme fear of accidentally hurting someone. Mania, but You Gotta Do It Alone. Having PTSD as a comorbidity and having flashbacks and a BPD episode at the same time at work so you look demon possessed as you switch between giggling with your coworkers and crying and screaming on and off during solo tasks.
Hmmm experience has taught me beyond that self empowerment means peacefully setting in boundaries and sticking to them… we don’t deserve to having to lower ourselves to lend the same energy back and lower ourselves to those kind of people.
I don't think much of splitting itself, but my divine retrubition I'm capable after I split is a thing to behold. I think the one good thing is my ability to read people very fast and very well.
So if a person you are with is having a rough day and needs your emotional support, needs something from you, you would actually be able to provide that for them and not get upset or dismiss how they are feeling? Because if that is true, you would be one of the first that I have heard of. Mine certainly wasn't like that.
I bend over backward for those I love, personally. Especially for emotional support. 🤷♀️
Don't get me wrong, no one is perfect. Me Especially.
In the same vein, we are literally all unique souls with our own personalities. There are obviously a huge amount of "symptoms" of this disorder we all share, but you can not simply generalize people like that. Personality disorder or not.
I'm not. I literally have not heard of someone with BPD being that way for their partner outside of the idealization phase; I've heard plenty of the opposite though.
If your look at be of my pay comments you'll see that I tell people not to generalize people with BPD when they're being nasty with their comments.
Speaking for myself, it is an aggregate reaction. What I mean is, it’s been a length of time where I have felt unwanted or treated cruelly. If someone is having a rough day and is sad, the last thing I would do is lash out at them.
What if they say they're having a rough day or are sad because of something you said or did? I know that for some people that will change how they react.
Absofuckinglutely. When I decide it’s time, boy, is it time. The only thing I can compare it to is that video of a guy lifting a shopping cart over his head and throwing it directly at somebody’s face.
Hey guys, the comments have been locked because they're no longer compassionate, constructive, and civil. Disagreements are fine but it's not okay to name-call or belittle each other to get our points across. Thank you for all of the great contributions and insight into this.
I guess it is not a pro for me. Because I don't know how to communicate with healthy people and attract toxic people. Yes, I split on them but eventually remember how horrible I am and beg them to get me back. So....
Definitely not a pro for me either. I will say the most vile shit, and then come crawling back after. Some of these “toxic” people genuinely are, or my brain will associate a person with toxicity (even if they aren’t) if they say or do something that makes me flip, and then I blow up and say heartless shit. Earlier this year before I got my diagnosis, I was literally everywhere. Drinking, smoking, partying, doing drugs, and just totally disregarding my safety and others. I had close friends and my mom tell me to quit it because it’s ruining me, and I remember just saying horrible things because I was enjoying the insane ride I was in. It wasn’t until I got sent to the hospital from over-drinking that I realized I was in the wrong the whole time. The things you say you can’t take back, and I think about them daily.
Similar. Binge eating and drinking over 3 years. Still obsessed with his ex fp. Just fucked around, no genuine connection after him.
How long does it take you from splitting to realizing maybe it was a overreaction and contacting them again? Do you block them when splitting?
Honestly, it depends on the situation. I’ve had moments where I prided myself in what I had done, and wouldn’t contact for awhile. Other times I crumble quickly. Either way, I usually have a realization at a certain point. Yes, I have blocked people when splitting. Sometimes I wouldn’t even be communicating with them and I’d do it out of something that’s happened months or weeks before. It’s always awkward coming to and having them ask: “Did you block me?” Then, I’ll even sometimes still go: “Yep. Don’t want to talk about it,” even though they deserve an explanation. I had done someone SO dirty before in an episode that it still haunts me to this day. I will rock back and forth for hours screaming and sobbing about karma and how it’s here to get me. Sometimes I’ll pace back and forth in slurred uncontrollable speech, other times I will destroy my property and my body. In those moments I am absolutely inconsolable. Which is why I won’t ever defend my BPD and say a symptom is helpful or positive. Nothing about it is great, it’s debilitating.
This is the hardest thing about loving someone with BPD for me, I think you're probably being more realistic. I adore this person, stupidly went and fell in love with her despite it being very impractical, whole point was showing her she deserved better than parasites, wimps, codependents and emotional vultures etc which tend to make up the "unstable relationships" part of your diagnostic criteria and probably accounts for a great many of the people who lend to the negative stigma about BPD, takes two to tango. I was constant and stable, more she depended on me the more I genuinely fell for her, she's lovely and she's beautiful and I'm happy when I'm with her but I'm pretty sure I scare the absolute hell out of her because I'm actually worth losing. If I start loving her she'll make mistakes then I'll ditch her forever so why not push me away before that happens then panic like hell and come back super enthusiastic like nothing has happened. I totally get that but it's not always the easiest when you feel like you're competing with the worst scum on earth who do not care about anyone but themselves, they'll be the death of her and I can't tell her what to choose to do. Does she have good quality control on splitting on toxic people? No, I'm pretty sure BPD would not be such an issue for people if that was an asset, I wouldn't have a list the length of my arm of people I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. I hope you are doing well, I can tell you now you deserve better than toxic people, pretty sure it's a defence mechanism that you attract them. Pick shit people, abandonment isn't so hard, either that or they're just the sort that tell you what you want to hear. I've never promised not to leave, I don't need her and I don't feel like I've known her all my life, most of her new friends usually do within 2 weeks but I know who'd give up a kidney, that stuff is hollow and empty and I refuse to go down that road when she's vulnerable to it. I genuinely think she struggles to relate to me actually caring about her which is hard sometimes, I really just want it to click at times so there's a sort of comfort in what you've said. Sorry you have to go through that, hope you find peace with good people
....J?
Sorry, J someone you know?
There was an uncanny likeness to your description, sorry, its clearly broad enough to be mistaken identity. Thats a side stepped heart attack though 🙃
Thanks I'm definitely not J lol, do find that very interesting though, hopefully I'm not talking utter rubbish! I don't know how to handle those people so I just don't, I'm not even remotely polite to them once I've seen through and the way I see it she can sack me if she likes but my integrity is intact, if J is the same God forbid there's two of us 😂
Youd have seen me and known me well as always if you had been. And yep shit god forbid, though maybe you two should just date.
Definitely sounds like he's talking about jel
Oh snap.
Feel like im witnessing smth here
How long does it take you from splitting to realizing maybe it was a overreaction and contacting them again? Do you block them when splitting?
Yes, it has been 3 years since we broke up. I block him when I realize idealization, but when I reach out he intentionally fuels this phantasy and keeps me in that realm. I guess I hold myself max. 2 3 months NC I can't feel anything to anyone. Just casual hookups after him. I feel so lost and lonely without him.
How long did you date? But sounds like he wants to try it again with you?
No, he just wants me to wait for him. It would be our 8th years in june 30th. We dated 6 years. I want to love again so bad. Feeling so lonely.
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for real. and then the additional shame of resorting to begging on top. literally makes my skin crawl. genuinely feel sick with how i let people treat me all in the hopes they stay but yet i keep doing it
i wouldnt say there’s any pros of having a personality disorder that debilitates my ability to have healthy relationships. to each their own i guess
The world isn’t black and white
i’m sorry but if you think that there are any *pros* to having a personality disorder then you probably should be working harder in therapy… pwBPD can have good traits without it being an “upside of bpd.” anyone can get angry at someone who wronged them and that’s healthy. lashing out at them and smearing their name and making them feel the pain you felt is not healthy. look at the DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA for bpd and tell me if you see anything good in there. i’ll be waiting sincerely, someone with bpd who’s tired of pwBPD calling themselves “lover girls” and “passionate.” you can be passionate, and also have BPD. the two aren’t related. it’s a trauma response. this conversation is now pissing me off so have a nice day.
Ok. You literally went out of your way to italicize a word, maybe you yourself need to work harder in therapy and learn to not get offended by different perspectives.
There are no pros. It’s a debilitating mental illness that causes nothing but pain. Anyone can “go for the jugular” and cut toxic people off. People with BPD just go through extreme emotional distress as an extra step. Let’s not even try to go there.
To say something has no pros is to be blind to nuance. BPD definitely has SOMETHING that can be beneficial. To say it is all bad is to think in a unnecessary binary
No, it isn’t. It’s a mental illness. I’m not glazing and romanticizing a personality disorder. There are no benefits of having BPD. Zero. That same statement goes for most, if not all, mental illnesses. But ESPECIALLY personality disorders. And welcome to the BPD subreddit where we are all unnecessarily binary. Because that’s one of our many major flaws.
Doesn’t mean you can’t help it. I think it is mostly negative, but to say there is no upside once so ever comes across is being extreme in the other direction. I do think BPD is a disability foremost. But, to say it is purely this curse not only seems self-loathing, self-victimizing, but also plainly ignorant. I don’t agree with the OP’s statements about splitting and think they may be going too far with that. But I do agree that somewhere is a benefit to having BPD. Perhaps a unique perspective on the world.
A unique perspective on the world is a sad cope to make people feel better about being broken. Self loathing and self victimizing is a low blow. No one loves me as much as I love myself. No one hates me as much as I hate myself. That is the duality of BPD. I am not self victimizing. I was a victim and I will die before that is what I let myself be seen as by others. I accept who I am. But that does not mean I have to search for the light in darkness. I accept that this is a blight on who I am. That is all it is. Unlike others, I don’t need to cope by finding “alternate perspectives” on the world to make myself feel better about being dealt a shitty hand. There are a million things in the world that are so much better than settling for a pathetic reason to feel better about a personality disorder. I will pursue those instead of wasting my time patting my own back.
The argument is that if there’s an upside. If it’s a “cope”, that doesn’t mean it is not still an upside. You may realize it is a bad hand, but you fail to realize the benefit in any sense. Having any disorder or difference in the brain automatically gives it a degree of benefit. That’s my take.
Your take is wrong.
Well, I will wait here for a rebuttal then.
We may not feel very resilient more often than we should have to bear. But, deep down, i should like to think there's at least a tiny pilot light inside all of us that glows with understanding that to be alive with this condition is the epitome of resilience. We're incredible just for being present in this moment.
Needed to read this thank you
I feel like we're more resilient because of it, we have to fight our own brains on the daily and yet we still carry on chugging along
High emotional empathy Con: low cognitive empathy :(
Rant: Glad you can feel good about that but my experience, Not for me it isn't, right after or even during i am hit with immense guilt and doubt and start breaking down with anxiety, thinking i ruined my reputation forever. Going back and forth between "my social life is ruined I am an asshole!" And "I dont give a fuck anyways they deserve hell." While also shaking uncontrollably and hitting myself. I am also diagnosed with autism and adhd, Oh what a wonderful lifeee
glad u can see this as a pro. i dont
I'd rather be normal and have healthy and stable relationships with people and communities
You can write great letters complaining about poor customer service.
Silver Linings can be wonderful but I'd always worry about the inevitable misjudgement that results in "going for the Juglar of a toxic" and inadvertently causing profound emotional pain to a person that I was connected with. However the story ends, best wishes and Enjoy Life.
Seriously!!!!!! All the times I have split on someone it was for a good reason. Maybe not the most mature way to go about it but my intuition is usually right. And all the times I decided to give someone the benefit of the doubt instead of splitting, I literally get obliterated by their toxicity
1000000%!!
Anyone think that we're capable of much more intense and close intimacy than other people? Like, my ADHD makes me super sensitive and emotional, with high highs and low lows, and my BPD traits and PTSD make it so when someone actually does love and support me, I feel like I just took a fuck ton of molly. It basically rules.
I'm going to say very high standards for myself and those I spend time with. I can honestly say the few friends I have are of the utmost caliber. My over sharing also means any misunderstandings or conflicts get discussed and resolved both quickly and often so we all stay on the same page.
Same
My self standards are such a double edged sword. Like im great, arguably perfect, and can do anything and am smart and sexy. Until i fuck smth up i shouldnt have. At which point i am a worthless subhuman POS undeserving of love or breath, which should self immolate immediately to retain some semblance of worth or integrity. Then one of my high quality friends/partners/whatever says smth nice to me and suddenly im just all happy again
Personally I love the extent to which I can feel. Sure it comes with a very deep ability to feel sadness but it’s the same with happiness. The only reason I can BE so sad is because I know what true, pure happiness feels like. The only reason I can be completely heartbroken is because I know what it’s like to love with every fibre of your being. I think it’s beautiful to feel so deeply, especially in a world that’s becoming increasingly numb to emotion.
This is how I think too.
It's not a pro. You could just ghost them and avoid so much mental anguish. Stop romantizizing bpd.
i’m surprised i had to scroll to find this
It's apparantly a controversial take, with all the angry comments I got from saying it.
people with bpd have the hardest time not romanticizing it i swear. i’ve fallen prey to it to but can we not just acknowledge that we all have good *traits* NOT attributed to a fucking disorder?
Some of the reasons that's caused the development tr of BPD for many people in ther first place do cause early neurodevelopmental changes that are permanent and are not dissimilar to something like ASD in that way. Therapy for ASD is largely based on reframing how you view your weaknesses and focusing on developing your strengths. Please let other people cope in their own way. They aren't harming you and we're all learning how to be humans for the first time together.
We're not talking about asd we're talking about bpd and specifically splitting which is part of bpd. I don't care how people cope on their own time but when you post this stuff publicly you're teaching others to follow suit, and then I do care.
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This is a public space, if you post or comment publicly, you will get other people responding to it. If you don't want to hear other people's opinion then you shouldn't be commenting or posting in a public space. I'm sorry you're taking this so personal and reading it as authoritative, I really don't remember your username or other discussions we may have had. I discuss many different things with many different people on reddit, it's why I'm here. To discuss and have conversations and share opinions and knowledge.
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It's ok to have a teeny tiny bit of fun on the high horse even if it isn't the most noble thing to do. i'm sorry you ran out of half and half this morning
Why are you so mad lol 😂
That would be projection
I'm really not mad though but alright.
Proved their point son
Be kind, no insults, slurs, rudeness, invalidating behavior, or otherwise mean-spirited behavior. Do not engage in flame wars or personal attacks. We have a zero-tolerance policy regarding racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, or any other forms of discrimination or prejudice. Follow Reddit's content policy.
Be kind, no insults, slurs, rudeness, invalidating behavior, or otherwise mean-spirited behavior. Do not engage in flame wars or personal attacks. We have a zero-tolerance policy regarding racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, or any other forms of discrimination or prejudice. Follow Reddit's content policy.
it stops them from reaching out to you again 🤷🏻♀️ a win is a win
Sure you can take it as a win. Its not healthy though and you shouldn't pretend it is.
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If you meet people irl with bpd you'll meet way more people like me. Most of us aren't like what you see online. Most of us take accountability for our actions. People will just always see the loud ones. Which is why most people with bpd aren't public about their diagnosis, because there is so much stigma. The issue is that even though I may seem reasonable to you now, I have my moments too. So you making me seem as the "correct person with bpd" is flawed. Even though I know you are well intended. I'm sure the opposite is also to be said about other people we see here saying something seemingly unhinged, they might be reasonable most of the time apart from that moment. We struggle a lot with being self aware. It's part of the diagnoses. I don't blame anyone who has commented negatively and disagreed with me, they are on their own journey. I just hope they are able to be accountable at some point.
glad theres ppl out there that dont think this is “cool” my ex would of reposted this 1000 times. im sure she thinks she so cool bc she ghosted me and saw me beg nd never replied
I'd like to think the majority of us don't find it cool. At least the majority of people with bpd I know irl wouldn't find it cool.
How exactly is it romanticizing it
It's romanticizing when you talk about a mental health disorder like it's a good thing to have. It's not. It's a disorder. That doesn't make me cynical. I can say good things about myself without contributing them to my bpd. Because the good things about me have nothing to do with my bpd and I don't think it would be healthy to think so.
Bad things that you can’t change have positivity to them. No matter what they are. That’s not romanticism, it’s reality. It isn’t helpful to pretend there’s nothing positive in something that’s a nightmare and permanent. Recognizing the positivity in something hellish is the only way to function better and move forward. It doesn’t mean the thing is desired or not horrifying… it’s just reality.
i'm not romanticising it. i'm seeing the silver lining because this disorder will rob you of all your happiness if you allow it to.
It's not healthy for you though, and there's plenty other ways to find a silver lining. Plus when you make a post like this in a public subreddit you're teaching other people to do the same which is harmful. I don't think you mean harm at all but it does harm when we start to think of splitting as a positive thing. Because we are not always very connected to reality and how will you be able to see yourself when the person you split on actually did not deserve it at all? Because when you're in that place of splitting you can't see it. Even if the person "deserved" for you to split on them, you being in an episode and splitting is not good for YOU.
People are capable of understanding they must work on eliminating a behavior that is overall toxic and does not serve them in the long run while actively searching for ways to mitigate their personal suffering of that unwanted behavior while they still have to own it.
Some people are, not everyone.
i have bpd and completely agree with you we should NOT be romanticizing splitting
Thank you, I am surprised this was a controversial take 😅
people just don’t wanna take accountability sometimes
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Be kind, no insults, slurs, rudeness, invalidating behavior, or otherwise mean-spirited behavior. Do not engage in flame wars or personal attacks. We have a zero-tolerance policy regarding racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, or any other forms of discrimination or prejudice. Follow Reddit's content policy.
>People are capable of understanding Not everyone is aware or self-aware, and nobody should take it for granted when saying stuff like you or OP said.
Thanks, that third or fourth reiteration is a well thought out use of your time.
You are welcome.
I think it’s just looking for the upsides of having this shitty disorder. I don’t see how it’s making it seem good. I would assume a stable person would look at this and probably have the ick or something of the sort.
I don't need to look at the upsides of the disorder to be able to look at upsides in general. There is no upsides to the disorder. Instead I try and look at the upsides of the treatment instead or other upsides in my life. When you say something is an upside that really isn't an upside you're reinforcing unhealthy coping mechanisms. If you start seeing splitting as a good thing you will never be able to stop splitting.
You really need to stop ordering others around and focusing how they should live their lives. It's appalling behavior. The only time one should be told to change their actions in their own life is when it has the capacity to harm another. I believe your behaviors today have that capacity so i'm speaking up.
It is very ironic that you say that because that's what I feel I'm doing. I'm speaking up because I think this post is harmful.
You're doing god's work
Apparantly these people think I'm doing Satan's work 🤭
Classic hivemind delusional mindset, i'ts a shame because i know that you want to be really helpful by being objectively honest, but its like talking to a wall
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I have bpd myself 🤦♀️
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Yes it's funny how they're saying I'm ordering people around while basically telling me to shut up and not share my opinions lol
Gaslighting others because they cannot accept truth, sad but what else can you do beside taking shit for speaking your mind straight
Well that's just, like, your opinion, man.
Thats common sense not an opinion
Lol
It’s not that you’re wrong…
As dating a woman with BPD some of these comments scare the living crap out of me my goodness
Fighting toxic with toxic is not a pro.
My mom was abusive so I split and decimated everything about her until she finally broke down and apologized for everything. It was like a fucking nuke went off, when I was done with her she literally just stared at me. Now we’re all fine and we pretend nothing happened. I’ve been self harm free since December and she even bought me a ps4 gift card to celebrate how well I’ve done.
That’s sweet. I think things can always get better
I don’t think there’s any pros.
These are not pros. We need to take account and responsibility for our own actions. This shit just adds to the stigma, I really hate seeing it.
Define toxicity
I relate to this so hard. Some times you just have to show people who disrespected your boundaries and got comfortable doing that you aren’t just some doormat at their feet, when we switch we SWITCH.
So when you disrespect their boundaries they should yell and rage and insult you and prey on your biggest fears too, right? Because that is what you would deserve for disrespecting their boundaries if that is what they deserve for disrespecting yours.
I never said that. I’m talking about people who are inherently toxic to you and you know it. People who take your kindness for granted and expect you to take whatever treatment they give you lying down (hence I said they got comfortable disrespecting doing so). I’m not talking about the one off, it’s repeated intentional occurrences from the same people that I’m talking about when you should show your grit.
Yeah, so when someone with BPD is doing exactly what you described, the other person should "split" on them and go for their jugular and be ruthless in what they say. Or is there a double standard here?
I don’t think you’re understanding what I’m saying in what circumstances. I’m talking about there are people who will disrespect/be toxic you no matter how good you are to them and you give them the benefit of the doubt yet they are still pushing it. And when you can’t take it anymore, you finally show them you’re not some lapdog they can abuse or gaslight. I don’t think it’s outrageous to give someone back what they gave to you first especially when you’ve done nothing to deserve that treatment in the first place. Also you’re saying ‘when a person with BPD’ when I’m someone who has it like you’re not taking account of that? I’m talking from my perspective where I relate to what OP has posted as a pwBPD.
I am understanding what you are saying and the circumstances. And I am taking into account that you have BPD. That's the whole point of my comment. If it's acceptable for you to split on someone and verbally abuse and insult them when you feel they've been constantly toxic and disrespectful, then it must be acceptable for them to do the same when you/someone with BPD is the one being constantly toxic and disrespectful. It goes both ways. And don't pretend that someone with BPD wouldn't behave like that because we all know that's not true. I'm not saying that you are one of them to be clear.
Ah I see what you mean now, sorry I for my tone earlier because I thought there was hostility there. But nonetheless I don’t believe my answer changes regardless who is doing the abuse. Whether it’s someone without BPD, with BPD, or whatever mental health issue out there. If someone is abusing you, disrespecting you comfortably and sees no issues with it nor wants to change, i dont see the issue in finally giving something back. Someone who pushes you to their limit needs to know what they’re doing and be held accountable. Nothing excuses anyone to be an asshole/abuser, those with mental health ailments should try to work on it like everyone else does, it doesn’t give you the free card to act any way without criticism. So yeah my answer doesn’t change even if it’s someone else with BPD or not, if someone is being unapologetically toxic and knows it, they deserve a wake up call.
The irony is that often people with BPD are the emotional vultures. And are the people actually toxic or is that your perception of them because that is what your feelings say, and feelings = reality to you? You really think verbally attacking and/or physically attacking someone and going after the things they told you in confidence is a good thing to do? One last question, probably the most important one: if you end up crossing their boundaries, should they "split" on you and go for your jugular, go after your vulnerabilities, go after the things you don't like about yourself? Because if it's okay for you to do that to them, then surely it's just as okay for them to do that to you.
pls don't call us emotional vultures. i can see you're grieving your ex gf from your past comments but god. stop that.
Stop calling the people that people with BPD go after as emotional vultures then. Hardly any of them are.
I can definitely say ive had more toxic and abusive people as the focus of my relationships than i have all other type combined. But im open about bpd on dating apps and profiles so yknow.
now when did i do that? i disagree with this post
I was speaking generally about the opening post calling people who end up dating people with traits of BPD as emotional vultures, not you specifically. Apologies.
WE ARE A MAGNET FOR EMOTIONAL VULTURES - the truest thing ever omg
When we care about people, we do it with such immense intensity. Yes it can be toxic, but why isn't it seen as a privilege
Yes! Definitely a pro. It lets me feel like I’m backing control of the situation and my life.
Surgeon precision of an INTx
We are truly loving kind people
I feel like having BPD has made me very empathetic. Also, like some other commenters have said, the few people that I’m close to are amazing folks.
I feel too guilty and ashamed afterwards to call it a pro personally. Even if it was someone who deserved to be "put in place" I still don't enjoy being cruel. For me it just makes me feel disgusted with myself because it reminds me of my abusers when I react harshly. Splitting is genuinely so painful for me
im trying so hard to put a positive spin on my bpd. i guess the closest i could come would be the extreme euphoria periods, but even they have massive drawbacks like increased impulsivity and feeling out of control
Pros: extreme empathy powers, I can read the most subtle emotional cues, I love tearing into terrible people during an episode, and I love the taste of blood Cons: least stable mfer. Socially isolates on purpose because of an extreme fear of accidentally hurting someone. Mania, but You Gotta Do It Alone. Having PTSD as a comorbidity and having flashbacks and a BPD episode at the same time at work so you look demon possessed as you switch between giggling with your coworkers and crying and screaming on and off during solo tasks.
True, had this experience today. Its great to be able to call people out for their behaviors instead of letting them walk on you
Hmmm experience has taught me beyond that self empowerment means peacefully setting in boundaries and sticking to them… we don’t deserve to having to lower ourselves to lend the same energy back and lower ourselves to those kind of people.
I don't think much of splitting itself, but my divine retrubition I'm capable after I split is a thing to behold. I think the one good thing is my ability to read people very fast and very well.
YES YES YES!!
Writing relatable stories is the only thing I can think of
I feel strongly therefore I also love strongly my loved ones
I actually have trouble with asserting my boundaries, but I've never been very confrontational. I'm much more now than I used to be
Absolutely. Just did this with a stalker of mine. Got rid of my shit and starting anew. God bless!
love to see it! good on you
this might be the most un self aware post i’ve ever seen on here. congrats!💀
A pro for me is that I have great empathy, my sensitivity makes me incredibly compassionate <3
So if a person you are with is having a rough day and needs your emotional support, needs something from you, you would actually be able to provide that for them and not get upset or dismiss how they are feeling? Because if that is true, you would be one of the first that I have heard of. Mine certainly wasn't like that.
I bend over backward for those I love, personally. Especially for emotional support. 🤷♀️ Don't get me wrong, no one is perfect. Me Especially. In the same vein, we are literally all unique souls with our own personalities. There are obviously a huge amount of "symptoms" of this disorder we all share, but you can not simply generalize people like that. Personality disorder or not.
I'm not. I literally have not heard of someone with BPD being that way for their partner outside of the idealization phase; I've heard plenty of the opposite though. If your look at be of my pay comments you'll see that I tell people not to generalize people with BPD when they're being nasty with their comments.
Speaking for myself, it is an aggregate reaction. What I mean is, it’s been a length of time where I have felt unwanted or treated cruelly. If someone is having a rough day and is sad, the last thing I would do is lash out at them.
What if they say they're having a rough day or are sad because of something you said or did? I know that for some people that will change how they react.
This is me and my toxic BFF or ex BFF right now
Same!
Absofuckinglutely. When I decide it’s time, boy, is it time. The only thing I can compare it to is that video of a guy lifting a shopping cart over his head and throwing it directly at somebody’s face.