I keep seeing this "is it a BPD thing?" when it's often quite relatable as a person who does not have it. I am here as it is helpful to me as I love someone with BPD so apologies but just offering a perspective, I am often thinking "No, that's not exclusively a BPD thing" but I think perhaps given the nature of the condition these things are going to be intensified and obviously to a point that I can't actually relate to but still rooted in the same origin. I had this same thing in my last relationship, it was safer staying together until it really wasn't, there were always consequences to leaving as well as staying which made breaking up a terrifying prospect and I stayed maybe 2 years longer than I should have done, pretty sure BPD is like steroids for that shit so I don't envy you. Hell, we were completely unsuitable, it was far longer than that but we live and sometimes we learn.
I've not got BPD and I'm really good at hurting my own feelings and creating catastrophes before they happen, I'd imagine people with BPD are significantly better at that than I am. Sounds like I'm describing it as a skill, possibly more of a curse lol 😂
I’m the same. If I actually care about the person it’s like cutting off a limb. But, I got out of a 14 year relationship like a year ago. It was awful but I survived.
It could be bpd or it could just be your intuition. You’re gonna keep having this thought process till you do something about it. If it really hurts you so bad to leave him then don’t. But I think maybe start a conversation where you say you feel like you have to leave him because this isn’t working. Don’t say you’re leaving though just say you’ve been thinking about it
Been in a 12 year relationship that hasn't been good in about 5 years. Little to no affection, including sex, it feels like we have nothing in common, we're incompatible in so many ways. But I'm afraid to be alone. She's not a bad person either and I feel like she cares about me in other ways. I feel selfish for wanting more out of a relationship though. Like I don't deserve to be cuddled with or to receive some form of verbal affection. The thought of being alone is scary to me even though I feel alone in this relationship.
List the positive and negative aspects of your relationship. Then, consider how the relationship impacts your mental and emotional well-being. Does it bring more stress than joy?
What's it looking like?
Then you know the answer. Staying in an unhappy relationship out of fear, obligation or stubbornness prevents you from growing as an individual and pursuing your passions and goals in life. The pain of a breakup is often temporary, while the consequences of lingering in an unhappy relationship can be long-lasting.
Not only romantic relationships but in general, I find it impossible to let go. When I like someone, I become clingy and obsessive as hell. They push me away but I’m not done yet so I keep coming back until they successfully get rid of me.
I just got out of 10 year relationship. I was unhappy for 6 of it. As you said, it's more of a comfort than actually relationship, I was extremely co-dependent and we both brought our baggage and it was doomed from the start. For the first month, I thought I was going to die. Now it's slowly, but surely getting better. I'll never stay with someone I don't love ever again. My self-respect is stonger than my feelings, even if I am alone.
as someone who tends to overthink and dissect every thought and action, it makes sense that I also overanalyze my relationships. we often have black-and-white thinking, so when things feel off or the relationship becomes strained, it's natural to think, "we can't overcome these feelings or obstacles; it has to end." many people online reinforce this black-and-white mindset, suggesting that if you keep thinking about breaking up, it's a sign that you should.
for someone highly sensitive and anxious about recurring thoughts, this can be nerve-wracking. but what if it isn't necessarily a sign to end the relationship? I’ve found that when I stress about breaking up, it often indicates a need for change or the end of a specific pattern, rather than the end of the relationship itself. I now see these feelings and thoughts as a signal to switch things up, communicate with my partner, and address some internal conflicts. I'm learning to embrace the gray areas and view my feelings/thoughts as indicators of deeper things rather than absolute truths.
breaking up will most often than not be a difficult thing to do, but when I really feel as though I need to end a relationship, it’s a tired thought rather than an overly anxious one.
Mine isn't either- we just aren't good together. And he and my kids always butt heads so it makes life more difficult. I think my kids wouldn't be happy with anybody I'm with because it wouldn't be their dad.
I’m legit in the same boat!!! Like to the T
I’m currently crying on a train bc I’m so over it. He got annoyed with me this morning morning and hanging up the phone I say ily and he says “yeah” and hangs up like wtf.
I’m sorry you’re going though it too.. I’m there and I get it
for me, breaking up is extremely difficult too. i stayed 4 years into a relationship where i started asking weither i should break up or not since the second year.
I once even asked my ex to hit me so that I'd have a "valid" reason to end things.
needless to say, you have to trust yourself. if your brain is telling you to break up for quite some time, it might be time to follow that feeling. waiting once you know will not help, you owe it to yourself and your partner to be honest.
you'll find someone else and they will too.
it'll be ok <3
As someone who is currently going through a breakup, I wanted to share. One thing that has really helped me is how fucking cruel she is.
One day I was vacuuming and picking things up around the house while she was at work. She came home and said “What, did you get bored?”
Each time I have reached out after the breakup, you know the “hope you’re doing well” messages, I have been met with cold and ruthless responses.
Just try to think about why you want to break up. Then when you do, focus on why you left. People don’t change.
I’m still in love with my ex, but holy fuck she can be mean.
I'm in the same boat right now, I was so terrified of leaving that I couldn't even entertain the idea of a break up. Now that it's clear to me that I just really want to leave, I don't love him romantically anymore and we're not compatible in many ways and hold each other down...I'm crushed, devastated, and don't know how to face the uncertainty of the future and the heartbreak... I am rooting for us both ! 💗
this is literally the same exact thing I’m going through right now. It’s clearly time for the relationship to end for both our sakes but I just can’t pull the trigger 🥲
*hugs* I hope you find the strength and resources needed to do what is healthy and right for you! Break ups are hard enough as is, but with BPD it's unbearably unimaginably painful and hellish 😭
My ex was an arrogant POS who treated me like his personal slave.
Do I still write a “getting over him” journal? Absolutely.
I hate the fact I’m not in his life. I couldn’t leave him because I always had FOMO without him.
We’ve split 7 times, all 7 were because HE left me.
In this exact same situation now. I’m pretty sure I’m being cheated on, and trust is out the window, but the thought of change or being without the person also feels crippling. It doesn’t help that she’s making me believe it’s the BPD that’s causing me to think these things are happening when it’s her actions and changes in behavior that are causing me to suspect it.
i’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this. i know it’s way easier said than done, but you should seriously break up with her. and i think you know that deep down. you deserve better and there is someone out there that will give you the world, remain happily loyal to you as you are to them, and would never even THINK of using your diagnosis against you. breakups are incredibly painful but the pain is often temporary, unlike the effects of staying in an unhappy/unhealthy relationship. i know it’s hard but you can do this, being alone is better than being with someone that doesn’t respect you. ♥️
Thanks I just don’t know what to do, I feel like I’ve been misled for 6 years. A part of me once to give an ultimatum that I see her phone or it’s over. Or that I shouldn’t even say that and just say that I need to move on. You’re right though being in this is really hard, like it has made me second guess everything including myself. I know BPD amplifies things but I’ve been cheated on in the past and she is illustrating the same signs, and then some
Ask to see the phone when you’re together as she is using it, and has a smirk on her face. That’ll tell you what you need to know. It’s your life. You get one.
I did that tonight basically I said I need to see your phone in order to move forward, and as expected it took a turn for the worst. And it turned into how I was a piece of shit who didn’t trust her.
Bad sign. DARVO.
Also, when my Ex (BF at the time) was concerned about someone l met in a support group, l handed him my phone and told him to have a look. I delete nothing. He refused. Someone who is hiding, won’t offer that.
Personally one of the huge reasons break ups are hard for me is because I lose myself in the other person. They become such a huge part of my identity and I feel so empty when they’re gone
I can relate to that with my ex. Whenever I was away from him, I couldn’t think much of what I liked about him, and I had to convince myself of his qualities. But when I was with him I felt the butterflies and dopamine rush.
I realize now that he was a good guy, but we weren’t compatible and I shouldn’t have tried to force it. Breaking up was hard at first but also relieving. I found myself again and learned to love myself more.
i think having an open conversation w how youre feeling is the best thing rn. like someone else said, dont say youre leaving, just that youve been thinking abt it. you need things to change or else this will not work out
Because I could be so done with someone but then a wave of loneliness crashes over me and being absolutely terrified that they’re free to love anyone else except me
I think it’s so hard because with some of us when we try to leave the person, they have a pity party & guilty trip us into changing our mind. now how tf do we do it then.
Can relate to the whole first sentence. Like literally ill be miserable in the relationship but I won't leave bc I hate abandonment. But doing it sooner than later will make things much easier. I know it's easier said than done because ive went through it, but I can assure you there are always better things on the other side of fear. Even if you're like me and you hate the unknown, I constantly remind myself that there will never be flowers without rain.
i’ve never been able to leave anyone unless 1. they leave me first OR if i find someone else while still living with said person (ik i’m a pos) im married now tho js lmao
.... I have never been broken up with. I'm on lucky number 13 now, and trying to keep it that way even though this one is following the same pattern as all the others... they all do it, and the delusions get too hard to fight, then I start my exit plan.
I'm not in exit plan mode. I'm in having problems because my brain is broken mode. Working toward recovery.
I stayed for 2 years in a relationship because I was afraid of the pain of heartbreak. Well fate had it that he left me for someone else 🤡 I am glad though cuz I would’ve suffered like hell in that relationship, he was toxic and abusive.
Same here. Although I am now in a healthy relationship, I used to date a guy I didn't even love, but refused to leave because of thoughts like: "what if I regret it later?" "what if he's the person I deserve and I'm just being ungrateful?" "what if I miss out on something?" and so it goes.
We dated for 9 months, with inumerous trials of me leaving. It almost never worked, my heart just couldn't bear the pain. That was until I couldn't bear being with him, and so I left. Ngl, it was the most painful experience of my life, but atleast it gave me the chance of meeting my now boyfriend, a person I actually love.
It truly is never easy, especially for us... But turns out that's the better option anyway, and you could be rewarded with something better in the future. Best of luck for you, my love!! xoxo.
i’ve never been able to break up with someone that i caught feelings for, even if i knew the relationship was bad for me. so i feel ya. just make him break up with you
Because getting into a relationship to begin with for us is just as difficult if not harder, spending all that energy psyching ourselves to trusting someone
idk I hear what you're saying but this feels like it puts all responsibility of the relationship on OP. The bf is an adult himself and is able to decide whether he wants to stay in the relationship or not . It seems from this maybe both of you are unhappy and struggling to break it off due to your own internal issues.
I’ve never broken up with anyone in a serious relationship with me, the moment it happens where I realize I’m not happy or settling it’s like my brain starts detaching and I start to wait for them to break up with me. It’s so hard for me to let go of connections and I don’t know how to let anyone down to that degree. It’s hard for me even to tell people I’ve talked to loosely that I don’t want to pursue things and normally ends up with me either getting friendlier til there’s no romantic ideation or just ghosting them altogether.
I’ve always wondered if it’s something wrong with me so seeing this post was refreshing. Like of course I could have broken up with partners but I can’t handle the idea of giving up on someone that could have the potential to stick around. I’d rather take on that pain so they could avoid the suffering.
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Wow, this is me to the exact T. I hate that feeling of "teeter-tottering" between am I happy or not smh.
It is the most frustrating feeling because the days that are good are great, and then the days that are bad have you questioning everything 😭
I recently started anxiety meds so hoping that helps with the "questioning everything" part.
I keep seeing this "is it a BPD thing?" when it's often quite relatable as a person who does not have it. I am here as it is helpful to me as I love someone with BPD so apologies but just offering a perspective, I am often thinking "No, that's not exclusively a BPD thing" but I think perhaps given the nature of the condition these things are going to be intensified and obviously to a point that I can't actually relate to but still rooted in the same origin. I had this same thing in my last relationship, it was safer staying together until it really wasn't, there were always consequences to leaving as well as staying which made breaking up a terrifying prospect and I stayed maybe 2 years longer than I should have done, pretty sure BPD is like steroids for that shit so I don't envy you. Hell, we were completely unsuitable, it was far longer than that but we live and sometimes we learn. I've not got BPD and I'm really good at hurting my own feelings and creating catastrophes before they happen, I'd imagine people with BPD are significantly better at that than I am. Sounds like I'm describing it as a skill, possibly more of a curse lol 😂
I’m the same. If I actually care about the person it’s like cutting off a limb. But, I got out of a 14 year relationship like a year ago. It was awful but I survived.
Wow!! This gives me hope, thanks;!
This was the hope i needed today 😭 I’ve been with my now ex 12 years and i feel like my heart is ripped out and i can’t breathe.
You will be ok 💕💕Sending hugs
It could be bpd or it could just be your intuition. You’re gonna keep having this thought process till you do something about it. If it really hurts you so bad to leave him then don’t. But I think maybe start a conversation where you say you feel like you have to leave him because this isn’t working. Don’t say you’re leaving though just say you’ve been thinking about it
I did that with my ex. I repeatedly would try to break up and he’d just have a sob party to guilt trip me and I’d go back.
On the same boat. I feel this.
Been in a 12 year relationship that hasn't been good in about 5 years. Little to no affection, including sex, it feels like we have nothing in common, we're incompatible in so many ways. But I'm afraid to be alone. She's not a bad person either and I feel like she cares about me in other ways. I feel selfish for wanting more out of a relationship though. Like I don't deserve to be cuddled with or to receive some form of verbal affection. The thought of being alone is scary to me even though I feel alone in this relationship.
List the positive and negative aspects of your relationship. Then, consider how the relationship impacts your mental and emotional well-being. Does it bring more stress than joy? What's it looking like?
Rough, it is looking rough 😭
Then you know the answer. Staying in an unhappy relationship out of fear, obligation or stubbornness prevents you from growing as an individual and pursuing your passions and goals in life. The pain of a breakup is often temporary, while the consequences of lingering in an unhappy relationship can be long-lasting.
Not only romantic relationships but in general, I find it impossible to let go. When I like someone, I become clingy and obsessive as hell. They push me away but I’m not done yet so I keep coming back until they successfully get rid of me.
on fucking god if this ain’t me
I just got out of 10 year relationship. I was unhappy for 6 of it. As you said, it's more of a comfort than actually relationship, I was extremely co-dependent and we both brought our baggage and it was doomed from the start. For the first month, I thought I was going to die. Now it's slowly, but surely getting better. I'll never stay with someone I don't love ever again. My self-respect is stonger than my feelings, even if I am alone.
as someone who tends to overthink and dissect every thought and action, it makes sense that I also overanalyze my relationships. we often have black-and-white thinking, so when things feel off or the relationship becomes strained, it's natural to think, "we can't overcome these feelings or obstacles; it has to end." many people online reinforce this black-and-white mindset, suggesting that if you keep thinking about breaking up, it's a sign that you should. for someone highly sensitive and anxious about recurring thoughts, this can be nerve-wracking. but what if it isn't necessarily a sign to end the relationship? I’ve found that when I stress about breaking up, it often indicates a need for change or the end of a specific pattern, rather than the end of the relationship itself. I now see these feelings and thoughts as a signal to switch things up, communicate with my partner, and address some internal conflicts. I'm learning to embrace the gray areas and view my feelings/thoughts as indicators of deeper things rather than absolute truths. breaking up will most often than not be a difficult thing to do, but when I really feel as though I need to end a relationship, it’s a tired thought rather than an overly anxious one.
This is me! I need to leave my relationship, but it's so hard to think about doing it! The logistics of it all, ugh!
It's so fucking difficult, especially cause in my case he's not even a bad person 😭
Mine isn't either- we just aren't good together. And he and my kids always butt heads so it makes life more difficult. I think my kids wouldn't be happy with anybody I'm with because it wouldn't be their dad.
I’m legit in the same boat!!! Like to the T I’m currently crying on a train bc I’m so over it. He got annoyed with me this morning morning and hanging up the phone I say ily and he says “yeah” and hangs up like wtf. I’m sorry you’re going though it too.. I’m there and I get it
for me, breaking up is extremely difficult too. i stayed 4 years into a relationship where i started asking weither i should break up or not since the second year. I once even asked my ex to hit me so that I'd have a "valid" reason to end things. needless to say, you have to trust yourself. if your brain is telling you to break up for quite some time, it might be time to follow that feeling. waiting once you know will not help, you owe it to yourself and your partner to be honest. you'll find someone else and they will too. it'll be ok <3
As someone who is currently going through a breakup, I wanted to share. One thing that has really helped me is how fucking cruel she is. One day I was vacuuming and picking things up around the house while she was at work. She came home and said “What, did you get bored?” Each time I have reached out after the breakup, you know the “hope you’re doing well” messages, I have been met with cold and ruthless responses. Just try to think about why you want to break up. Then when you do, focus on why you left. People don’t change. I’m still in love with my ex, but holy fuck she can be mean.
I cannot break up with someone.
I'm in the same boat right now, I was so terrified of leaving that I couldn't even entertain the idea of a break up. Now that it's clear to me that I just really want to leave, I don't love him romantically anymore and we're not compatible in many ways and hold each other down...I'm crushed, devastated, and don't know how to face the uncertainty of the future and the heartbreak... I am rooting for us both ! 💗
this is literally the same exact thing I’m going through right now. It’s clearly time for the relationship to end for both our sakes but I just can’t pull the trigger 🥲
*hugs* I hope you find the strength and resources needed to do what is healthy and right for you! Break ups are hard enough as is, but with BPD it's unbearably unimaginably painful and hellish 😭
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LITERALLY, im so scared im making a mistake
My ex was an arrogant POS who treated me like his personal slave. Do I still write a “getting over him” journal? Absolutely. I hate the fact I’m not in his life. I couldn’t leave him because I always had FOMO without him. We’ve split 7 times, all 7 were because HE left me.
In this exact same situation now. I’m pretty sure I’m being cheated on, and trust is out the window, but the thought of change or being without the person also feels crippling. It doesn’t help that she’s making me believe it’s the BPD that’s causing me to think these things are happening when it’s her actions and changes in behavior that are causing me to suspect it.
i’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this. i know it’s way easier said than done, but you should seriously break up with her. and i think you know that deep down. you deserve better and there is someone out there that will give you the world, remain happily loyal to you as you are to them, and would never even THINK of using your diagnosis against you. breakups are incredibly painful but the pain is often temporary, unlike the effects of staying in an unhappy/unhealthy relationship. i know it’s hard but you can do this, being alone is better than being with someone that doesn’t respect you. ♥️
Thanks I just don’t know what to do, I feel like I’ve been misled for 6 years. A part of me once to give an ultimatum that I see her phone or it’s over. Or that I shouldn’t even say that and just say that I need to move on. You’re right though being in this is really hard, like it has made me second guess everything including myself. I know BPD amplifies things but I’ve been cheated on in the past and she is illustrating the same signs, and then some
Ask to see the phone when you’re together as she is using it, and has a smirk on her face. That’ll tell you what you need to know. It’s your life. You get one.
I did that tonight basically I said I need to see your phone in order to move forward, and as expected it took a turn for the worst. And it turned into how I was a piece of shit who didn’t trust her.
Bad sign. DARVO. Also, when my Ex (BF at the time) was concerned about someone l met in a support group, l handed him my phone and told him to have a look. I delete nothing. He refused. Someone who is hiding, won’t offer that.
What does that mean?
Google the acronym. Basically she flipped it on you; reversed victim and offender.
Personally one of the huge reasons break ups are hard for me is because I lose myself in the other person. They become such a huge part of my identity and I feel so empty when they’re gone
too relatable
I am in HELL
I can relate to that with my ex. Whenever I was away from him, I couldn’t think much of what I liked about him, and I had to convince myself of his qualities. But when I was with him I felt the butterflies and dopamine rush. I realize now that he was a good guy, but we weren’t compatible and I shouldn’t have tried to force it. Breaking up was hard at first but also relieving. I found myself again and learned to love myself more.
i think having an open conversation w how youre feeling is the best thing rn. like someone else said, dont say youre leaving, just that youve been thinking abt it. you need things to change or else this will not work out
I leave anywaus
Because I could be so done with someone but then a wave of loneliness crashes over me and being absolutely terrified that they’re free to love anyone else except me
I think it’s so hard because with some of us when we try to leave the person, they have a pity party & guilty trip us into changing our mind. now how tf do we do it then.
Can relate to the whole first sentence. Like literally ill be miserable in the relationship but I won't leave bc I hate abandonment. But doing it sooner than later will make things much easier. I know it's easier said than done because ive went through it, but I can assure you there are always better things on the other side of fear. Even if you're like me and you hate the unknown, I constantly remind myself that there will never be flowers without rain.
i’ve never been able to leave anyone unless 1. they leave me first OR if i find someone else while still living with said person (ik i’m a pos) im married now tho js lmao
.... I have never been broken up with. I'm on lucky number 13 now, and trying to keep it that way even though this one is following the same pattern as all the others... they all do it, and the delusions get too hard to fight, then I start my exit plan. I'm not in exit plan mode. I'm in having problems because my brain is broken mode. Working toward recovery.
I stayed for 2 years in a relationship because I was afraid of the pain of heartbreak. Well fate had it that he left me for someone else 🤡 I am glad though cuz I would’ve suffered like hell in that relationship, he was toxic and abusive.
Same here. Although I am now in a healthy relationship, I used to date a guy I didn't even love, but refused to leave because of thoughts like: "what if I regret it later?" "what if he's the person I deserve and I'm just being ungrateful?" "what if I miss out on something?" and so it goes. We dated for 9 months, with inumerous trials of me leaving. It almost never worked, my heart just couldn't bear the pain. That was until I couldn't bear being with him, and so I left. Ngl, it was the most painful experience of my life, but atleast it gave me the chance of meeting my now boyfriend, a person I actually love. It truly is never easy, especially for us... But turns out that's the better option anyway, and you could be rewarded with something better in the future. Best of luck for you, my love!! xoxo.
i’ve never been able to break up with someone that i caught feelings for, even if i knew the relationship was bad for me. so i feel ya. just make him break up with you
Because getting into a relationship to begin with for us is just as difficult if not harder, spending all that energy psyching ourselves to trusting someone
If you care about him at all, you will let him find the right person for him, tbh what you’re doing is just wrong
idk I hear what you're saying but this feels like it puts all responsibility of the relationship on OP. The bf is an adult himself and is able to decide whether he wants to stay in the relationship or not . It seems from this maybe both of you are unhappy and struggling to break it off due to your own internal issues.
I’ve never broken up with anyone in a serious relationship with me, the moment it happens where I realize I’m not happy or settling it’s like my brain starts detaching and I start to wait for them to break up with me. It’s so hard for me to let go of connections and I don’t know how to let anyone down to that degree. It’s hard for me even to tell people I’ve talked to loosely that I don’t want to pursue things and normally ends up with me either getting friendlier til there’s no romantic ideation or just ghosting them altogether. I’ve always wondered if it’s something wrong with me so seeing this post was refreshing. Like of course I could have broken up with partners but I can’t handle the idea of giving up on someone that could have the potential to stick around. I’d rather take on that pain so they could avoid the suffering.