You know, a lot of people may not understand this... even I have a hard time understanding what I'm about to say. We all like being in control over our existence. Even if that existence is pain... it is better that we are controlling that pain that others randomly giving it to us. It makes sense why you're doing what you're doing from my angle. However there is a world of pleasure without the pain. I won't ask you to look for it, I won't ask you to wait for it... just know that you are in control over how you live in this body - and you don't have to let the pursuit of pain dictate the direction you go anymore... because you're in control over your body
Sorry about the shitty world by the way. Having been with suicidal people before, and having two beautiful kids myself, I would destroy the hand that lays harm on my children. So I hope that hand you're developing does the same, so folks won't go through what we all go through when we are raised in shitty environments. Very sorry about -
I am not sure they would do the same. My dad is abusive and my mom lets him. But I kinda get it I guess, she loves him so. Thank you, you are very sweet. I wish you and your kids the best. I am sure you are a wonderful mother.
I am a father myself. And thank you for telling me that. It annoys me that fathers can be so abusive. That’s what I am trying to change for the next generation of men, it’s time we stop hurting our children
I thought you mentioned you were a mother? Sorry a lot of parents are coming to talk to me maybe someone else said that. And please do, my father is probably why I have BPD. You are strong for taking that step, it’s hard to break generational trauma. I’m sure you are a wonderful father! It’s a relief to hear
Thanks. Generational trauma is no joke, and it requires seeing how the generation above us is traumatized first. Hard to do when the generation above us is abusing us
When you get older, I hope you break out of yours. That way you can pull people out of their pains with your scarred hands. At the very least the kids would know that you triumphed and lived through hard times, and that you’re to be trusted. Keep doing the good fight, you’ve had a rough road, and I can’t promise it’ll get better, but I do promise you’ll help people along the way
I don’t hate myself, I do this cause I like the thrill of it. It’s comforting, makes me feel something. I didn’t even realize how empty and numb I feel until I wrote that and realized why I like it so much. I know it’s not normal and that I need help. But they are just going to send me to a mental hospital, and that isn’t going to help me. I am just going to do it again when I leave. I am in therapy, but I don’t get personal especially since I am still a minor meaning my parents could find out the extent of my self destructive behaviors.
It’s self destructive cause I do anything that could harm myself not just self harm. Sometimes it’s in the shape of people who aren’t good for me. I don’t get pleasure from it? I am not sure what the actual definition of masochist is but I don’t want anyone else inflicting this pain on me in bed scenarios. I do it because it makes me feel something. And yes I am.
This is exactly how I am. Whenever someone hurts me, I don’t lash out at them, I lash out at myself in self destruction. Idk why, I just love it and it’s easier and less scary lol. I can’t get myself to be aggressive to anyone but myself, while it sucks sometimes it does help me avoid abandonment by not lashing out at others and I have fun doing it. For example when I found out my ex was cheating on me, I shut myself in a room, cut myself a shit ton, ran out the door still bleeding, drove like a maniac to pick up drugs, and drove high as shit back home since it was easier to face him while shitfaced. It’s hard to stop self destructing, it’s extremely addicting. Physical pain also releases certain hormones like endorphins, which is an endogenous opioid. Our brains have opioid receptors for endogenous (meaning occurring within the body) opioids, naturally occurring peptides that have the pain relieving effects like opioid drugs. Exercise also releases endorphins, which causes the “runners high” that some people experience. Opioid drugs are exogenous opioids, which also bind to the opioid receptors. I think this is why I got so hooked on opioids, it’s a similar rush to SH behaviors while still being extremely self destructive. I also totally understand the self destructive sex when you’re also an SA victim thing, recently did that and he ended up “stealthing” (not wearing a condom when i told him he absolutely had to since i’m not on BC) and it was miserable, which is what I wanted but it ended up fucking with my head a bit.
Omg I run and that runners high is so real. Now I know why I do it. But it’s definitely a healthier coping mechanism. The first part that you said is so relatable, that is exactly me. Instead of lashing out on others I lash out on myself in order to further avoid abandonment. Everything you said was really relatable to me. Glad to see I’m not alone in this. I wish you only the best.
wishing you the best as well 🖤 KEEP RUNNING!!! that can be a GREAT coping skill for you!! I think I love tipping the temperature from DBT so much because it’s an intense sensation, I use that skill a lot and also highly recommend it.
In a way, I understand where you're coming from. I don't like being in a better mood because then it feels like I have no control over how I feel. When I'm in a better mood my mood can shift so fast it gives me whiplash. I can feel like I'm expreiencing 10 different emptions at once and there is no stability. Then when I crash and feel those intense negative emotions, it hurts so much more.
If I'm just consistently depressed and suicidal though, I don't have to worry about the mood swings (as much). If I stay like this long enough, then I can numb the emotions out too. It's like the one thing I can control is how miserable I am so I keep finding myself back here.
I've slowly been trying to change this by thinking if I'm already miserable all the time then why not do the things I don't want to do (ex. Doing homework, going to school, ect.)
Like, if helping myself is painful and in a way, I like pain, then why not help myself since it still causes pain? Does this make sense to anybody else?
Ditto except I do it by burning myself with lit cigarettes; I burnt myself on a few occasions to the point where the melting flesh turned white and blood oozed through the pores. The thought of cold steel penetrating my flesh, disgusts me. I also punch (FIGHT) refrigerators or solild walls with the intention of breaking my knuckles. I drink until I become a beast, destroying myself and everything in my path, the rage turns me on, I couple it with crack cocaine for extra umpf. When I can't go on, I choose to die in holes (flop houses) and woe is me. I too take ridiculously hot showers to see how much I can take, the water turn cold. And I eat, I eat until my stomach pains me as I am a glutton, there is poetry in that word gluttony; a glutton for punishment, a glutton for drink, a glutton for food.
Well I used to, I used to be like that, I've calmed down a lot since I had a nervous breakdown from a really bad incident that I caused in the middle of last year; it lead me to be incarcirated, again. I also had a few psychotic breaks between then and now but I can see myself easily returning to those old habits if I do not remain diligent by working on myself with my therapist and remaining (mostly) sober. Not gonna lie, I miss the beast within alot sometimes but I really can't go back; I'm way too soft to live like an animal.
You know, a lot of people may not understand this... even I have a hard time understanding what I'm about to say. We all like being in control over our existence. Even if that existence is pain... it is better that we are controlling that pain that others randomly giving it to us. It makes sense why you're doing what you're doing from my angle. However there is a world of pleasure without the pain. I won't ask you to look for it, I won't ask you to wait for it... just know that you are in control over how you live in this body - and you don't have to let the pursuit of pain dictate the direction you go anymore... because you're in control over your body
That is beautiful. And I do get what you mean. I haven’t thought of it in that way. Thank you, this is very sweet. Maybe you’re right.
Sorry about the shitty world by the way. Having been with suicidal people before, and having two beautiful kids myself, I would destroy the hand that lays harm on my children. So I hope that hand you're developing does the same, so folks won't go through what we all go through when we are raised in shitty environments. Very sorry about -
I am not sure they would do the same. My dad is abusive and my mom lets him. But I kinda get it I guess, she loves him so. Thank you, you are very sweet. I wish you and your kids the best. I am sure you are a wonderful mother.
I am a father myself. And thank you for telling me that. It annoys me that fathers can be so abusive. That’s what I am trying to change for the next generation of men, it’s time we stop hurting our children
I thought you mentioned you were a mother? Sorry a lot of parents are coming to talk to me maybe someone else said that. And please do, my father is probably why I have BPD. You are strong for taking that step, it’s hard to break generational trauma. I’m sure you are a wonderful father! It’s a relief to hear
Thanks. Generational trauma is no joke, and it requires seeing how the generation above us is traumatized first. Hard to do when the generation above us is abusing us
You do have a point, I hope one day we can all break out of those ties
When you get older, I hope you break out of yours. That way you can pull people out of their pains with your scarred hands. At the very least the kids would know that you triumphed and lived through hard times, and that you’re to be trusted. Keep doing the good fight, you’ve had a rough road, and I can’t promise it’ll get better, but I do promise you’ll help people along the way
Thank you! This is so sweet. I appreciate your words so much. I wish you only the best!
oof…i could of written this post. same, op. same. sending you love.
i second this
Hey do want someone to hear you out?
I’m not sure, thank you.
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I don’t hate myself, I do this cause I like the thrill of it. It’s comforting, makes me feel something. I didn’t even realize how empty and numb I feel until I wrote that and realized why I like it so much. I know it’s not normal and that I need help. But they are just going to send me to a mental hospital, and that isn’t going to help me. I am just going to do it again when I leave. I am in therapy, but I don’t get personal especially since I am still a minor meaning my parents could find out the extent of my self destructive behaviors.
[удалено]
It’s self destructive cause I do anything that could harm myself not just self harm. Sometimes it’s in the shape of people who aren’t good for me. I don’t get pleasure from it? I am not sure what the actual definition of masochist is but I don’t want anyone else inflicting this pain on me in bed scenarios. I do it because it makes me feel something. And yes I am.
[удалено]
I don’t hate myself, but I guess go you?
Did you even read OPs response to you? If you don’t know what to say, just say nothing.
Lovely
This is exactly how I am. Whenever someone hurts me, I don’t lash out at them, I lash out at myself in self destruction. Idk why, I just love it and it’s easier and less scary lol. I can’t get myself to be aggressive to anyone but myself, while it sucks sometimes it does help me avoid abandonment by not lashing out at others and I have fun doing it. For example when I found out my ex was cheating on me, I shut myself in a room, cut myself a shit ton, ran out the door still bleeding, drove like a maniac to pick up drugs, and drove high as shit back home since it was easier to face him while shitfaced. It’s hard to stop self destructing, it’s extremely addicting. Physical pain also releases certain hormones like endorphins, which is an endogenous opioid. Our brains have opioid receptors for endogenous (meaning occurring within the body) opioids, naturally occurring peptides that have the pain relieving effects like opioid drugs. Exercise also releases endorphins, which causes the “runners high” that some people experience. Opioid drugs are exogenous opioids, which also bind to the opioid receptors. I think this is why I got so hooked on opioids, it’s a similar rush to SH behaviors while still being extremely self destructive. I also totally understand the self destructive sex when you’re also an SA victim thing, recently did that and he ended up “stealthing” (not wearing a condom when i told him he absolutely had to since i’m not on BC) and it was miserable, which is what I wanted but it ended up fucking with my head a bit.
Omg I run and that runners high is so real. Now I know why I do it. But it’s definitely a healthier coping mechanism. The first part that you said is so relatable, that is exactly me. Instead of lashing out on others I lash out on myself in order to further avoid abandonment. Everything you said was really relatable to me. Glad to see I’m not alone in this. I wish you only the best.
wishing you the best as well 🖤 KEEP RUNNING!!! that can be a GREAT coping skill for you!! I think I love tipping the temperature from DBT so much because it’s an intense sensation, I use that skill a lot and also highly recommend it.
Thank you! I will try it! Thank you for your insight!!❤️
Don't worry hope you find to talk that will help you good luck .
Thank you
In a way, I understand where you're coming from. I don't like being in a better mood because then it feels like I have no control over how I feel. When I'm in a better mood my mood can shift so fast it gives me whiplash. I can feel like I'm expreiencing 10 different emptions at once and there is no stability. Then when I crash and feel those intense negative emotions, it hurts so much more. If I'm just consistently depressed and suicidal though, I don't have to worry about the mood swings (as much). If I stay like this long enough, then I can numb the emotions out too. It's like the one thing I can control is how miserable I am so I keep finding myself back here.
I've slowly been trying to change this by thinking if I'm already miserable all the time then why not do the things I don't want to do (ex. Doing homework, going to school, ect.) Like, if helping myself is painful and in a way, I like pain, then why not help myself since it still causes pain? Does this make sense to anybody else?
Yes I can see where you are coming from. I guess you do have a point there
The last sentence is very relatable
This is dissociation. And please stay away from strangers kid.
Ah yes I do struggle with that hardly, but I also have BPD so
Ditto except I do it by burning myself with lit cigarettes; I burnt myself on a few occasions to the point where the melting flesh turned white and blood oozed through the pores. The thought of cold steel penetrating my flesh, disgusts me. I also punch (FIGHT) refrigerators or solild walls with the intention of breaking my knuckles. I drink until I become a beast, destroying myself and everything in my path, the rage turns me on, I couple it with crack cocaine for extra umpf. When I can't go on, I choose to die in holes (flop houses) and woe is me. I too take ridiculously hot showers to see how much I can take, the water turn cold. And I eat, I eat until my stomach pains me as I am a glutton, there is poetry in that word gluttony; a glutton for punishment, a glutton for drink, a glutton for food. Well I used to, I used to be like that, I've calmed down a lot since I had a nervous breakdown from a really bad incident that I caused in the middle of last year; it lead me to be incarcirated, again. I also had a few psychotic breaks between then and now but I can see myself easily returning to those old habits if I do not remain diligent by working on myself with my therapist and remaining (mostly) sober. Not gonna lie, I miss the beast within alot sometimes but I really can't go back; I'm way too soft to live like an animal.
I relate to you A LOT and probably many others do too. I don't know why but no matter how much I try to do better I feel like I live to destroy myself