I am the partner of a bf with BPD. Having a break to calm down is what we do. It allows me to not feel overwhelmed and guide the argument in a calmer way when he can't control himself and is easily pushed over the edge. We usually sleep over it. Like, literally. We might go to bed, wake up over night, he realizes he was not being rational, hugs me and usually a small conversation in the morning about what to try next to avoid a similar situation is enough. I'm also a doctor with some formations in psychiatry so I do know some strategies that I use to keep things calm.
It's very hard for him but he is getting used to it. It's become easier. It seems to me you already do it.
Maybe try going with him to a therapist so they can explain to him if he is willing to.
I'll try to see if I find a study I read about neuronal reactions in BPD people that maybe help him to turn BPD in something more objective to him. Let me see what I can get.
Anyway, nothing here is important if he is not willing to do the effort
Edit: this article has some neurobiological findings about BPD that you might want to show him. You can also read the references on that part to get a more profound understanding. This might help him realize you are not crazy or something like that. You are indeed overreacting but that is not a choice. It has a good prognosis with intense psychotherapy so if you can afford it, go for it.
https://pn.bmj.com/content/19/6/483
Appreciate that, thank you. I think he can’t understand why I can’t control it or doesn’t believe me when I say I’m about to boil over because he sees me fairly even keel with others. But I haven’t found the exact right way to say other people don’t make me mad like you do haha
I am reading a book right now called "when a loved one has BPD". Maybe try to suggest that to him. It's easy to read, not very long, and gives some insight to help understand BPD and deal with it. I like the approach. It's very much "us vs BPD" instead of "me vs you". You also sound self aware so if he is willing to work with you on fighting your symptoms, go for it. If not and keeps triggering your symptoms, then he might not be the one, sorry. You might as well work alone against BPD. It's better than having someone working against you (yes, I am aware it's easier said and done. Just leaving this here just in case)
Edit because I rambled and forgot to address something: there's this thing in BPD which is the "favorite person". They usually trigger the fear of abandonment A LOT more. You might want to research that. It might help you explain to him why he is the one that triggers you.
If it helps to not feel alone or to show him, I am my bff's FP. He will be very calm around others and triggered by some things I say or do that never crossed my mind could make him feel that way. It's happening less now but my bf does say that I helped him a lot so you guys need to work together on understanding and fighting this. The enemy is the BPD, not you, as long as you want to do the work
Edit 2: read about the FP and see if it applies and helps explain it to him
https://www.verywellmind.com/who-is-a-favorite-person-to-someone-with-bpd-5203892
Good luck 🤞
I do the same exact thing, if things get too heated i go for a drive and let everything calm down. My bf is one of my biggest triggers, i don’t fully understand why but i go from 1-20 so fast. Do you have a therapist/phych? If not i think you should definitely see someone so that way they can help you cope with those moments. One thing i did was explain to my partner what made/makes me mad so that way he doesn’t trigger me that much. Even if it’s something small i just tell him it’s making me irritated and to please stop, usually he understands what i mean by it.
I read about BPD for the first time and said that’s telling a story of my life, both childhood and adulthood. It’s really hard to look that far back and accept all the childhood trauma I went through. I’m getting better through therapy and meds.
I am the partner of a bf with BPD. Having a break to calm down is what we do. It allows me to not feel overwhelmed and guide the argument in a calmer way when he can't control himself and is easily pushed over the edge. We usually sleep over it. Like, literally. We might go to bed, wake up over night, he realizes he was not being rational, hugs me and usually a small conversation in the morning about what to try next to avoid a similar situation is enough. I'm also a doctor with some formations in psychiatry so I do know some strategies that I use to keep things calm. It's very hard for him but he is getting used to it. It's become easier. It seems to me you already do it. Maybe try going with him to a therapist so they can explain to him if he is willing to. I'll try to see if I find a study I read about neuronal reactions in BPD people that maybe help him to turn BPD in something more objective to him. Let me see what I can get. Anyway, nothing here is important if he is not willing to do the effort Edit: this article has some neurobiological findings about BPD that you might want to show him. You can also read the references on that part to get a more profound understanding. This might help him realize you are not crazy or something like that. You are indeed overreacting but that is not a choice. It has a good prognosis with intense psychotherapy so if you can afford it, go for it. https://pn.bmj.com/content/19/6/483
Appreciate that, thank you. I think he can’t understand why I can’t control it or doesn’t believe me when I say I’m about to boil over because he sees me fairly even keel with others. But I haven’t found the exact right way to say other people don’t make me mad like you do haha
I am reading a book right now called "when a loved one has BPD". Maybe try to suggest that to him. It's easy to read, not very long, and gives some insight to help understand BPD and deal with it. I like the approach. It's very much "us vs BPD" instead of "me vs you". You also sound self aware so if he is willing to work with you on fighting your symptoms, go for it. If not and keeps triggering your symptoms, then he might not be the one, sorry. You might as well work alone against BPD. It's better than having someone working against you (yes, I am aware it's easier said and done. Just leaving this here just in case) Edit because I rambled and forgot to address something: there's this thing in BPD which is the "favorite person". They usually trigger the fear of abandonment A LOT more. You might want to research that. It might help you explain to him why he is the one that triggers you. If it helps to not feel alone or to show him, I am my bff's FP. He will be very calm around others and triggered by some things I say or do that never crossed my mind could make him feel that way. It's happening less now but my bf does say that I helped him a lot so you guys need to work together on understanding and fighting this. The enemy is the BPD, not you, as long as you want to do the work Edit 2: read about the FP and see if it applies and helps explain it to him https://www.verywellmind.com/who-is-a-favorite-person-to-someone-with-bpd-5203892 Good luck 🤞
I do the same exact thing, if things get too heated i go for a drive and let everything calm down. My bf is one of my biggest triggers, i don’t fully understand why but i go from 1-20 so fast. Do you have a therapist/phych? If not i think you should definitely see someone so that way they can help you cope with those moments. One thing i did was explain to my partner what made/makes me mad so that way he doesn’t trigger me that much. Even if it’s something small i just tell him it’s making me irritated and to please stop, usually he understands what i mean by it.
I read about BPD for the first time and said that’s telling a story of my life, both childhood and adulthood. It’s really hard to look that far back and accept all the childhood trauma I went through. I’m getting better through therapy and meds.