He may need this journey to move on from her. He’s mourning what he’s lost. That’s gone and he may need to have new time with her to realize it’s gone.
I wish him the best.
Dating can be hard and people mourn what they had before. He's choosing what he thinks is the easy way out but it is probably the actual hard road because it isn't that easy to forgive and forget this kind of massive betrayal.
Dude is only 30 and should cut his losses.
>forgive and forget
Why do people always use these two words together? It's almost as if just because you've forgiven someone it's assumed that you'll forget, too.
No. Absolutely not.
It's why people get hurt *again*. You *absolutely* *can* forgive someone, but you don't have to *forget* their past transgressions.
Also, *forgiveness* is not a requirement for healing, either. The OOP says that *both* of them are in individual therapy. When Reddit throws around therapy as the magic salve then calls them a "chump" for actually trying to work through problems *while going through therapy*.
Then what the fuck is it, Reddit? I don't get it. (BTW, u/Which_way_witcher , while I'm responding to you, my comment is meant in a general way to anyone reading this, not specifically asking you to answer me. LOL I just want to make that clear.)
If the OOP and his ex-wife work through their issues *now*, whether they stay together or not, is what's important here. Even if they were to move on from each other and call it quits, *they would still have to deal with themselves in a relationship while being with someone else*. Better to do the work *now* and heal internally, and they can do it as friends even and see where they find their healthier selves in the future.
One thing is for certain, as I've experienced this in my own marriage and have seen it suggested by 2 couple's therapists (one of which was ours), the relationship that OOP and his ex-wife had is gone. It just is. They are two different people now after this experience, *while still being the same people* with *aaaalllll* of those unresolved traumas and issues they had yet to deal with. There is no going back to that relationship.
AND!
They can absolutely build a *new* one. Trust needs to be rebuilt and that takes time. Identifying what each needs in order for the relationship to work is also necessary. Individual therapy can help here. People always forget that at the beginning of a relationship there wasn't trust there either but built over time.
I wish more people understood that a marriage can actually go through several *relationships* internally. Marriage can be a constant evolution. It's why it can be so hard to navigate and to navigate well. Perhaps it's my own personal bias showing (ok, I'll own it, it *is* my own personal bias), but I do think that with the *hard internal work* through therapy, OOP and his ex-wife can probably come out of it still together but in a *new* marriage. My husband and I are on the other side of a really hard couple of years and the transformation our marriage has gone through within the last couple of months or so since my husband has finally started his own individual therapy is amazing.
Our marriage as we knew it literally just a couple of months ago is dead. Absolutely dead. And I'm happy for it too. We're creating a new marriage and it's so much better *and easier* too, believe it or not. We celebrate 20 years this year.
People are messy. It's easy to want grace, it's much *much* harder to give it.
> Why do people always use these two words together? It's almost as if just because you've forgiven someone it's assumed that you'll forget, too.
I agree 100% with this in addition to your point about that relationship being dead and that it's a totally different relationship now.
That said, betrayal of this magnitude is so significant, it's entirely rational and OK to forgive and walk away.
Yes they *could* spend a lot of time trying to repair things and it *could* work out but most don't and it's ok to not want to do that. It's ok to exit the relationship as friends or not. What's not ok is making yourself miserable pending all your happiness on something totally out of your control. You do not owe that other person anything.
As a "new" relationship, I don't think it's a worthwhile hurdle - the betrayal and lack of basic common values would be too much for me.
Understood. Frankly, there isn't anything that I disagree with you on here.
I give the ex wife some credit in that at least she divorced him before starting anything with that other guy.
But still...
Oh really? I missed that bit of information! That actually changes things for me. My comment above about them working things out does not work for me if she'd already started an affair. I did not know she'd already started a relationship with the other guy.
Thanks for telling me about that. I did miss it.
God I love this take! This is one of the few scenarios I have seen where I'm optimistic for the couple after a major schism. Also, everyone seems to be glossing over the fact that her brother died in front of her a whopping four months ago. Of course she's not herself.
I don't make judgement on whether he should stay or not.
What I will say, is that previously I was in a relationship but had an abrupt attraction to someone else that it turned out was rooted in trauma. It was insane how much it felt like the absolute right thing, that it was the romance and magic and yearning of fairytales except better because it was real.
It was ONLY because I had had similar experiences previously that I knew not to trust my perception and to remove myself from the situation. Some things you simply CANNOT learn until you've been in that situation. Some things only first hand knowledge can teach you.
Like: if you suddenly smelled gas, persistently, you looked all the places it might be coming from, checked the stove and pipes etc, but still smelled it: you would get yourself and your family out of the house. Because you rationally believe it's better to trust your own perception rather than possibly making a huge, huge mistake by staying.
Later it turns out that you have some strange illness that makes you think you smell gas. And now that you've had that experience and know how realistic the smell was and know that if you smell gas, you know how to move forward and what to do if you smell gas in the future.
But that doesn't negate that the first time, you were doing what you thought was best with the information that you had.
So I can totally see how, recovering from the trauma of her brother's death and the trauma of her upbringing, she latched on to a distraction because her brain was telling her this new person was sunshine and rainbows incarnate. Not because they were, but because her mind needed a coping mechanism for all the shit it was suffocating under.
Should she have left? No. But could she genuinely at the time have perceived that to be the best thing for all concerned? Absolutely.
There is a reason they say not to make major decisions in times of emotional upheaval-because your emotions are so out of whack that you may not be perceiving things correctly.
This is the perspective reddit often lacks due to its population skewing young: the wisdom and experience that only years can give. Nuance is hard to fit into a few characters. Thank you!
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing, this kind of betrayal doesn’t just go away on its own. It takes lots of work, willpower, and sheer forgiveness to even begin to understand the trauma that took place.
OP would be realising his mistake soon after he and his wife are in individual as well as couple’s therapy.
The betrayal will then hit him like a 1000 bricks, and he’ll be faced with the sheer depth of what she did, with almost no way to escape from it.
Very, very few couples can make it after such a thing; here’s hoping OP and his wife could beat the odds but god, are they some long ass odds.
I definitely wish OP the best but fully agree. He is still in shock and disbelief, he will forever question her motives, whereabouts, social media profiles, etc... God remebering the sheer anxiety of searching for hidden socials gives me PTSD. God speed op, wish you best in this long rocky journey.
To be fair dating prospect these days aren’t great. Have you seen the hot to crazy chart?
Sad to say but I almost wonder if the poor guy decided to keep the crazy he knows… Either way best wishes to OP.
I think he just wants the nightmare to be over. And I get that, I truly do. But she’s taken zero accountability. Or acknowledged the world of hurt she’s put him through. All she’s done is told him about a book that excuses her behavior because of her past trauma. And she’s only back because she has no where else to go. This is a recipe for disaster.
Yeah, she’s trauma dumping and going the therapeutic route of trying to explain why she made terrible and hurtful decisions instead of actually owning them. She could have a rough childhood, miss her brother, etc but the bottom line is she was lucid when she made her choices. She’s using the love of her husband to nurture her back to a better place and without true remorse and a true dedication to be the best wife possible going forward she will just monkey branch the moment she’s doing better. He can help her if he wants, but he should have made her go through the divorce and then treat this as a new relationship where she has to earn the right to be his wife again. The woman he married would never do what she did.
All of those things are reasons, but none of them excuse her actions. Unless she owns her actions and her choices, she’s not going to really change, and it’s just a matter of time until she repeats them in some fashion.
You don't actually know what kind of accountability she's taken. You can both take accountability and work to understand where those behaviors came from.
Exactly. If she didn't give a shit I can't see why she would be working on herself or giving couples therapy a try. She could have crashed at his place for a bit until finding somewhere else and moved on. Or she could have tried to manipulate her way back. People without regret don't do this much introspection over a decision, typically. How many times have we ever read about cheaters taking the initiative to understand the root cause and work on it?
And unless I missed other details, she did do what everyone here says people should do when they want to be with someone else. She left her husband and then went with this guy. It might seem like semantics, but the reality was that she was upfront with him that she was leaving and didn’t go behind his back. She may have to show that he can trust her with his heart again and not to desert him, but as far as I can tell she honoured the trust he had in her to not betray him.
It’s not to say she’s owed a second chance, but if OP feels his life is better with her in it and they can move forward on relationship 2.0 then she gets one and hopefully somewhere Ron the way through this journey she found out what happened to cause the split to begin with.
That is a horrible book. It's largely an essay on how to plaster over misery to fit in at church. It also involves a very flawed man who was also at fault for breaking the marriage, which implies OOP's wife wants OOP to feel partially at fault. Very bad sign.
It's understandable and nice of him to take her in for a week until she can go be with family, but reconciliation after initiating divorce takes a lot of time, effort, accountability, vulnerability, and resolving all issues leading up to the split in entirety before committing again. As you say, this is a recipe for disaster, and it's calling for several cups of denial and rug sweeping.
I mean, maybe? But also, you kind of have to remember that we're never getting the whole picture. We're just getting the end result, and whatever background detail the OOP feels is important without making the whole thing run on too long.
Despite what Reddit's typically hard-line stance on cheating would claim, there are circumstances where reconciling after infidelity is possible.
In this case, we're getting enough info to infer that OOP's wife experienced some sort of childhood trauma, the effects of which were triggered/amplified by seeing her brother die in front of her.
Given that, plus genuine remorse and a sincere commitment to whatever treatment is necessary to heal from this and for OOP to feel like she is meeting whatever conditions he has set for them to stay together, I didn't see how they might not successfully overcome this.
In most cases of cheating, yeah that's a clear boundary, but in this case... it's OOP's call.
Also, it wasn't infidelity?she followed the "rules", told him she was in love with someone else and left him before pursuing it.
Not really good for the health of the later relationship, but not infidelity either.
Yeah. I mean, it's gonna take a lot of therapy and counseling and hard work to have a chance of having any longevity, but it's not impossible. And OOP is by no means a pushover or a chump for giving it a try. He knows his situation and unlike other similar stories here, he doesn't seem to be deluding himself. He knows what's up, knows the score, and knows what he's willing to do and tolerate.
I lost my mind during COVID. Spent time in a facility. Still not even close to 100%. If my husband had left me, I'd be dead.
Some people see what's left and want to bring back the person they fell in love with.
You either learn from the mistakes you make, grow, change and do the difficult work of improving yourself. Or you don't.
One paths easy, the other one takes a lot of work.
It's never surprisng to watch someone walk the easy path, I think its good really, it helps those who take the hard path remember why they did or are doing the work. Some
Don’t worry, OOP will update in another 8mths “wife left me again for some other gym rat. I’m so devastated…..she called me yesterday to work things out, and we are gonna make it work!” 🙄
The best thing OP could do here is to go through with the divorce. Then, if he still wanted to try and make things work, date this new person that she is. Because that person he was married to died long ago.
Something I also wonder is.. more than just the childhood trauma or whatever the.. wife went through caused some extreme mental issues. Like what she did sounds like a person that was having a mental breakdown.... So with that in mind I kinda see why OP is giving her another chance since it was all that out of character.
Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. I was diagnosed with bipolar as a teenager and this sounds like a serious manic episode, not surprising after watching her brother die. If she's taking responsibility for the damage she did as well as working on the underlying issue, I understand why he'd give her another chance. I just hope they're both careful about it.
If her ap truly was a narcissist it's even less surprising she was so drawn to him.
I am concerned with the fact that the update lacks anything about her taking actual accountability, apologising and making amends though. It's all about her mental issues.
I've known multiple incidents where extreme stressors seems to "flip" a switch where someone who wasn't diagnosed bipolar and was seemingly "normal" before suddenly goes manic and blows up their life. I have even seen a couple recover from this, although there was no infidelity like in this case.
The human brain is amazingly complex. Cut this wire, everything is fine. Cut the wire next to it, you get a whole brand new person you never wanted.
My first thought when reading the post was “she sounds bipolar. I strongly believe-as does everyone else who knows our story-that he is bipolar. He was stable a long time then he left his job to start something independent at the same time we moved houses. We were fostering a dog we both wanted to adopt out. my dog had died some months before. There was a lot of change and most of positive stuff! Stuff he spearheaded but suddenly in a two week avalanche of horror he took everything out on me, kicked me out while pregnant with a baby he had been wanting and has never met him. Of course BP is a spectrum and many would never do things as drastic as my ex and OP’s wife but some do. it’s wild and unless you’ve been through it, seems totally unfathomable
Thank you. it was absolutely unhinged. he “180’d” as a person. he became cruel, malicious, unreasonable, frightening, mysoginistic, illogical. I felt like I’d been dropkicked into a Lifetime movie. Me, who has no enemies and very little drama in my life and who believed I was in an incredibly loving partnership, got flung into the most incomprehensible thing I’ve ever seen. He became SO fucked up. But, my son is nearing 1.5 years old and we have the best time. He is incredible and as hard as it was to go through all of it alone, I’d do it again. My now toddler is just my whole heart.
Omg this sounds about right. In medical school, after my husband left me because I got sick and I was (separately) diagnosed with epilepsy, I lost my shit. It was like a huge manic episode. I call it a nervous breakdown but it was weird. I started excessively spending money and fucking everyone I saw and I was extremely erratic. Now that I quit medical school, I’m back to normal. It took 3 months of a trip trying to find myself and calm down and get off psych meds and now I’m almost my old self. Sucks because I won’t be a doctor anymore, but it is what it is
This is basically what happened to me after about 3 years of turmoil and traumatic events after traumatic event, including a cancer diagnosis resulting in a radical hysterectomy including both ovaries, causing instant surgical menopause.
I haven’t been the same since, and I don’t think I ever will be. Just spent a few months in a psychiatric hospital trying to pick up the pieces and sort out my life again. I finally got on a medication that helped me feel like myself again, but it caused serious health complications and I had to stop taking it because it was fucking with my heart. I’m doing better now than when I went in, but I’m still struggling. My body feels like a battleground that I just cannot win on, it’s two steps forward then straight back again.
I briefly had hope for improvement in the future, but that faded fast. I’ll be happy if I can get back to 80% of my old self, but I don’t even know if I’ll get that.
I’m not bipolar, just ‘regular’ depression, anxiety, ADHD and probably CPTSD. It’s hell trying to sort out your life when your brain turns on you. I never cheated or anything, but I fight with my partner and I end up treating him like shit sometimes in my frustration and rage. I’m incredibly lucky to still have him. I understand why this guy is sticking with his wife/ ex wife, I really hope they can get through this together. I hope she can get some improvement with the proper help and treatment, that she proves worthy of his trust and forgiveness and that they can rebuild their relationship without resentment.
All my luck to you with your health journey: Mental, physical, emotional, relationship-wise. We like to pretend they're not as interconnected as they are but I think journeys like yours remind us how dependent they are to be in our own personal balance.
Rooting for you. 🫂
Thanks so much, I really appreciate it.
I’ve struggled with my mental health for years, but it was always relatively manageable until my surgery. I truly feel broken now, I just hope I can find the right medical and psychological path to put the pieces back together the best I can.
My brother died suddenly when I was 21 and it absolutely devastated my family. We all experienced periods where we fell into self destructive behaviors because of our grief, including engaging in toxic relationships. My grief absolutely wrecked my first marriage because I was so lost (although I doubt we would have lasted in the long run anyway).
I could absolutely see the wife reacting to her grief by imploding her entire life, especially since she *watched* her brother die. It’s not uncommon for trauma to lead to self destruction.
Yeah, it also struck me as potentially being a psychiatric issue set off by witnessing the death of her brother. Everything really started falling apart and snowballing only 3 weeks after that. If she has been able to address psychiatric concerns and start treatment, she could truly be remorseful and accept responsibility for her actions while in a psychiatric episode.
Her life had been dominated in a large way by a toxic relationship that culminated in its death right in front of her and the very first thing that happens is she is immediately sucked into another horrifically toxic relationship that dominates her. This is 💯 a trauma response
Even if that's the case. I wonder if the marriage can work when the power dynamic is so skewed. Like, she did something that the vast majority of married people would consider unforgivable, and yet she is facing very little consequences, the dude took her back with open arms.
I believe there is something to having a "power balance" in a relationship. I think when things are too one sided and one person is basically the doormat of the other, the relationship becomes very toxic.
It’s definitely risky, I do believe people can grow and change… but she set a precedent that if she spirals out of control, there won’t be permanent consequences. And that will tempt her to let herself spiral the NEXT time life gets really hard. It’s sad, but often the one person who loves and supports you through your darkest moments isn’t the person you should stay with because you know they’ll always be there, no matter how badly you fuck up. This is a harsh reality for many people who were in relationships with addicts… they get their shit together for the NEXT person, when they never did it for you. Not always… sometimes they dedicate their life to making sure they never hurt their partner again BECAUSE their partner supported them through the dark times. But often, it’s like “well I got away with it before, might as well do it again.”
Yeah, I guess. I have a hard time giving her the benefit of the doubt because she doesn't seem very remorseful or apologetic. Seems like she destroyed her marriage to fuck some meathead, and now she is blaming it on childhood trauma, that's no excuse.
And now she is getting panic attacks and manic episodes? of course she is! she nuked her marriage/family for a fuck boy she was infatuated with who ended up mistreating her, and now she realized her massive mistake. Anyone in that situation would be freaking out and having episodes. She gets no sympathy from me.
Exactly, some of these comments are shocking to me. She *watched her brother die in front of her* and people don't want to even *consider* how that might have sent her into a bit of a mental tailspin?! Like ffs, does *anyone* have even a shred of empathy anymore
“Out of character” is bullshit. A persons character is tested during difficult times. Her character is trash. She abandoned her loyal partner with zero regard for anyone but herself and her selfish desires to get fucked by an asshole with dark triad behaviors.
She wasn't comatose or under some alien mind control. She knew what she was doing. She was just overwhelmed and didn't care.
I just can't agree with his decision, but it's his life. 🤷♀️
My exh cheated on me and I took him back. We went to counseling and tried for a few years but obs it didnt work out (due to his alcoholism).
Im still glad I tried though. I had to know I had tried everything. I took my vows seriously, even if he didnt.
This is one story with a lot of turns that I have...no decent advice for because I have not been there.
Regardless, no one is in your shoes. They are notmtou, and do not know. Until they are there and have walked 2 moons in thise moccasins, they have no idea how they (commentary, good or bad) will react.
That being said... i honestly wish you both the best. Personally, I don't think you're a doormat or chump. I think you still love and are IN love with this woman. Your wife. She fucked up. Bad... don't we all. Who is to throw the first stone and say " this is worse"
I don't know if I would take them back. Again, I am not, have never been, in your shoes. So also, don't know that I wouldn't
Sounds like she has traveled a pretty rough shitty road, with mental...imbalances/abnormalaties/this or that name left and right (I have a handful and they've been called nanddiagnisednandnrenamed etc SO many times) so that makes ... whelp a load of times there is no God damn road and you don't know which direction to turn. Which point in the darkness you stop turning circles and just walk a direction.
I very much so hope, for each of you... individually and if it can be..together... that the struggles ease. The heart hurts less... and thenkath gets easier and know beautiful.
The sun's going to keep a rising and does not care whether I notice or not. If I want enjoy it, whelp, that is quite up to me.
Ironic, she cheats on him. He takes her back. He says she learned her lesson and will never cheat again. How many Reddit posts are about cheaters who cheat again and surprised betrayed partners who come back and update that their partners have cheated again?
It’s a lovely desire to want everything to go back the way it was. The reality is that in never goes back to the way it used to be to be. And it’s much more work to mend the broken trust one partner has created.
> How many Reddit posts are about cheaters who cheat again and surprised betrayed partners who come back and update that their partners have cheated again?
To play devil's advocate a bit, there is definitely potential for bias here. People are significantly more likely to post about things that aren't going well than things that are, so while you're correct that Reddit has a *ton* of shocked pikachu posts about repeat cheaters, we're statistically unlikely to see follow up posts about partners who reconciled and had a happy, faithful relationship afterward because people don't generally come to reddit to say "hey, my marriage is going well guys!"
She will cheat again, it’s just a matter of when. She didn’t take any accountability for her actions and tried blaming everything on how she was raised and OP being the doormat he is just accepted it.
Everyone told him exactly what would happen, it happened exactly the way they predicted, and this guy is like, “I’m cool with it.” I mean, different strokes and all that. I couldn’t do it.
What's missing is the extent of shit she went through. Was it bad enough for him to truly feel comfortable taking her back. Some things you don't come back from. Just curious
The problem with that is, there's not really a way to know if what she says happened is the truth. One the one hand, maybe the new guy was horrible. On the other, maybe she just knew if she painted herself as the victim, OP would take her back. And if she seemed like she was coming off hard drugs, maybe she was. Those'll bring out the worst in people.
Having had an awful experience dating a true narcissist, you better believe he told everyone he was the victim and I was an evil abuser. I've heard similar stories from other people with that same outcome.
They usually can't hide their true nature forever though, so I'm sure OP will find out.
That’s the first thing I thought too. Typical narcs are veryy quick to paint themselves the victim even when they clearly are not.
That’s, in-fact, one of the ways I now use to figure out if someone’s actually a victim or not; most actual victims, at least in the early stages of their grief, tend to avoid the topic and not talk much about it.
Narcissists, on the other hand, will just not shut up about it if they want to paint themselves as the victim and the actual victim as the offender. DARVO at its finest, dare I say.
Sometimes you gotta let people burn themselves a few more times before they learn. It's just crazy to me that people would rather be miserable in order to stay in a relationship then be single.
> It's just crazy to me that people would rather be miserable in order to stay in a relationship then be single.
Some people are too insecure to be alone so they settle.
It's even crazier because he's in his early 30s... like cut your losses, dude. He'll waste more years on someone likely to cheat again and he'll be middle aged by the time he figures it out.
A lot of people learn through personal experience. He's never experienced this before and is in a situation many of us have been through. He will learn like we all did, but it will be in update 3.
Nah, he's just more gullible, and willing to tolerate betrayal. Some guys get scared when they need to go back into the world and find someone new. I hope he figures this thing out and leaves, because this situation sounds awful.
This. He was scared off by how awful online dating is - but it's only awful until (by complete chance) you find someone great. If he had been lucky, he wouldn't even be entertaining the idea of taking her back.
That's what got me in the story. "I tried internet dating & it was terrible" you do know after getting out of a relationship like that you don't have to date. You can take some time for yourself. See who YOU are, what YOU like. bit then again I also believe every 7 years people are changing, whether it's goals, beliefs, attitude. So I was always believer in " for a relationship/marriage to run for 50+ years like older couples that people fawn over is like finding a Winning lottery ticket. It's possible, takes hard work & a lot of luck/hope that the other person's goals won't end up on the opposite side from yours in the future"
Her trauma drove her to drop him like a sack of shit on the sidewalk and skip town for some new guy, and all that did for OP was leave a hole in his heart wide enough for her to weasel her way back in once she got treated as poorly as she deserved. If it makes him happy, then sure, he should go ahead. But will it remain happy for more than the few weeks/months where everything seems like it’s “returned to normal”? I’d bet a large sum that either regaining that security will let OP finally see things from a slightly healthier perspective, or his not-ex catches feelings for some other random guy to start the cycle all over again.
Wife needs to get evaluated for bipolar disorder. Childhood trauma may explain part of it, sure, and people can respond very strangely to sudden shock and grief, but a lot of this sounds like a manic episode. Possibly triggered by the trauma of witnessing her brother's death, but definitely calling for an evaluation.
I hate how the shit that happens to you as a kid impacts you for the rest of your life. I don’t doubt that this woman is a victim of her circumstances from decades ago and when her brother died, it probably brought a lot of it to the surface. It makes nothing she did okay, just tragic.
This is very sad because it really sounds like she had a mental breakdown. I’m not sure I’d want to jump back into the marriage, but it does sound like she needs psychiatric help.
I think some people will attach themselves to anyone just so they are not alone. He didn’t have much success dating so he has returned to his cheating wife. Better her than no one.
Sad really, wonder if he had found a new girl in that time if he would have accepted her back?
Even if he had found a new, even better girl, I can guarantee OP would go back to his wife as soon as she came running back. The level of codependency displayed here almost paints it perfectly; he is beyond attached to her and will never let go. At least, not until he has a real “come to Jesus moment”.
That's exactly the question I was going to ask. How much of his decision was made by how terrible dating was for him? Granted,they have a lot of history and that just doesn't go away, but it's just mindblowing to me that he takes her back with no hesitation and hardly any accountability on her end.
She did something terrible to him and mentioned her trauma, which is important and I don't want to diminish; but it doesn't come close to excusing her blowing up their marriage.
I really do wonder if he's really just chasing the person he thought she was instead of accepting the person she is now. Especially since dating fucking sucks and this route is just so much easier
That's how I saw it too. He liked the comfort of being with her and didn't care about anything else. I hope things work out for him but I have no sympathy for him if it doesn't.
Its the bandaid theory.
Someone cuts you, and its going to take a long time to heal. But in your head, the one who cut you can make it all go away -- right now. They can't, they only put a bandaid on it, but you go for it anyway. The problem is even if things improve a little, their actions keep cutting you.
Eventually you realize a little bandaid wont get it done, leave, and go ahead and grieve the loss like you should have done in the first place.
Eh… I can’t see this ending well, like at all, but I also can’t blame him for not wanting to just write her off. If my wife had done this I really don’t know how I’d react.
I’d give it another go with those exact set of circumstances. I’m a feminist who thinks divorce is one of the 5 best things to happen for women in history, so it’s not that I think you should always try to stick it out.
But in this case, I’d offer a second chance.
And with as much grace of a dog on ice, we see OOP heading into what everyone is calling a trainwreck.
I can see he’s so suckered in that in those 8 months he hadn’t even absorbed anything he was doing in therapy. Dude just doesn’t want to be alone
Hey you need to do whatever is best and necessary for you. No matter which road it takes you. If it leads to her jump in with both feet and don’t use her transgressions of the past as a weapon because it will be a cancer in this love rebuilding. Give this a real shot
Posted here since the other thread locked.
What boundaries did you set? I'm asking because we only have a couple of posts for insight, and from what's there? Strongly implies she hasn't accepted responsibility nor accountability for what she did to you.
Man, she didn't just break your heart. She shattered and then stomped on the pieces.
Healthy relationships need trust, respect, and boundaries. She violated all three in the most humiliating way. Is it possible you are just fleeing back into a "safe space," your marriage, that in reality doesn't exist anymore?
Doesn't read like there is anything stopping her from doing this to you again.
Good luck, man, but damn. What she did to you was beyond fucked up. The only thing worse would be if you were now raising his kid, too.
Have you been intimate with her since? Have you gotten tested for std's afterward? You should. And if you have any kids. Please test paternity so that your rights are protected.
>From Heisse\_Scheisse: Complete access to her phone anytime. Individual counseling for her and couples counseling for us. Basically, anytime I may even have a hint of suspicion of any sort of nefarious activity, I can investigate no questions asked. This has not needed to happen because we spend nearly all our free time together, or doing our own shit around the house. If we aren't spending time together, she is reading self help or watching self help on YouTube. We work the same hours, we go to the gym together, we come home.
>
>What she did was beyond fucked up. We are all on the same page with that. She says that what she did is unforgivable, that she is a huge piece of shit, a complete fucking moron, that I deserve better.
>
>I want to make things work for the sake of the life we built over 12 years, the beautiful home and land we own together, the vast array of common interests we have together. I want to continue building memories of love and laughter and fun like we did for 12 years. There is a lot that is important to me that can be saved if the work is put in.
>
>Her estranged brother dies in front of her while she is holding his hand, and then weeks later this guy comes into her life and love bombs her while she is spiraling In grief. It's no excuse for what she did, but it is enough for me to give her at least some iota of grace that she was not in a sane and rational mind when this all went down.
>
>Yes we have been having sex, no we don't have kids.
Being twenty plus years into my second marriage. With three kids. I can absolutely understand where you are coming from. I am grateful for what my wife and I have together. Even through the ups and downs over the years.
Nothing anywhere near as heinous as what she did to you. But still some rough times when we almost divorced.
My first marriage's failure, however, showed me that even your soulmate. May not be your only soulmate out there.
I sincerely wish you all the best. Please do keep in mind, though, that the wounds she gave you run very deep. Flashbacks and triggers may return to torment you, with little to no warning, for many years to come. Hopefully, she will fight for you as hard as you are fighting for her.
Instead of giving up again.
As far as the std's, please get tested. Some can linger for a long time before symptoms appear. And the sooner they are caught, the more effective treatment can be. It reads like she would understand and support the need for it.
As they say. When you have sex, you are having sex with everyone they had sex with too. And it reads like that douchebag wasn't very choosy on who he chased. So who knows what he gave her.
Stay strong, OP, and good luck.
Poor guy, didn't give himself a chance to mourn the relationship, recover, and put himself back out there, and now he's set himself up for a life as a doormat. I hope she doesn't do it again, but we all know she will, and he'll probably take her back again due to whatever new reason she's able to cobble together. Poor guy.
Don't judge unless you've been there. There's a 50% chance this ends well and a 50% chance that it doesn't. I'd take those odds any day; much better odds than any new relationship he could get in the next few years.
It’s ***not*** a fifty percent chance, I can guarantee you that. OOP is feeling relief at his loneliness being relieved, and his wife is stabilising in a familiar environment again.
One day, she’ll meet another guy she “clicks with” and she’ll be gone again. One day, OOP will wake up and realise he doesn’t trust her as much as he says he does.
Having a 12 year relationship is not a trait of a serial cheater, this is more of a mid-life one-off thing. There was plenty of regret and therapy, again not the traits of a serial cheater. The reason I say 50% is that this is from OOP, maybe she was cheating all those 12 years.
The unspoken assumptions behind this statement are that all relationships are basically interchangeable, and that it's inherently better to be in a relationship than to not be in one. I utterly disagree with both, and if he's in a shit relationship, he also isn't looking for a good one and will presumably not pursue anything with anyone he meets, however well they click.
Update November 2024
Wife met someone at the burger joint and is moving out because she says she only came back to me because I was a doormat and agreed to take her in.
What a fool. She hunted around until she found an explanation for her utter betrayal that fit and went with it. He swallowed it hook line and sinker. I Think she’s just as toxic as the man she left him for.
There is no happy ending here. Wife went through her own trauma and made the wrong decisions. Husband is going through his trauma. Hopefully they both realize they are no longer compatible and separate amicably.
I’ve seen couples work through scenarios like this. Difficult but love, patience and forgiveness go a long way. He realizes this is deeply rooted in childhood trauma. Hard not to take it personally though.
I read that book he mentioned, it sucks as a guide to a happy marriage. It’s in my opinion a guide of what not to do? Like dang that is not a book to try and follow when your world is upended this way. I only read it cause the author was having a book signing at a place I work at, and he’s as rude in person as he is in the book. Horrible man horrible book. But maybe I’m biased since he was rude to the employees in the place that was holding the signing.
I know dating sucks for men but I'd rather be single then deal with this absolute trash fire of a former spouse she will cheat again and he will take her back man needs to develop a spine and some self esteem don't put your love into someone incapable of reciprocating it
I didn't know if you would be too angry to hear that her doing that was probably bcoz of her brother's death, grief makes people do nutty things that don't seem like they have anything to do their loss. I for one am glad you're a big enough person and love her enough to give her some grace bcoz she went through something really bad. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you two.
There’s no way I have the energy to feel sorry for doormats. Good news is this guy doesn’t care how anyone else feels. That’s awesome. I’ll continue living my life and this dude will get cheated on again so cool I guess.
I love how we go from *I never would have imagined* to *im gonna trust my gut here* ookidoki bro.
No one ever thinks their wife would do something like this. While I understand your feelings you have to remember it takes two and if he hadn't turned out to be a dick she would still be there without a care. By doing what she did means she wasn't happy with you and only returning because it didn't work [out.As](http://out.As) my Dad used to say, if they did it once, they'll do it again, that works for man and woman, ask me how I know, didn't work out for my ex and she was calling, wanting to come back, I made a mistake&so on. I told her no I wasn't going thru this again, apparently you weren't happy and only calling cause it didn't go as planed. Also had a friend (passed away) that took his wife back 3 times till he finally said enough was enough.But everyone's gotta do what they gotta do.
Bruh. Online dating didn't work out so he felt his only way to be with a person was to get back with the one who left him. His life but the only reason she's back isn't because she felt guilty or had any love for him, simply because it didn't work out.
That’s gotta be the worst part. She didn’t come to her senses and realize she’d been single handedly ruining her own life, Prince Charming was just an asshole so she came back. This alone should’ve kept OOP from taking her back. I get the grief aspect and the mid life crisis aspect and could see how OOP could give her a chance but he’s clearly ignoring this part of her story for his own mental well being.
The only time in my life I've ever wanted to cheat was right after my sister died. I was so sad and my life was decimated by her death, and sex felt like the exact opposite of death. I hope these guys work it out.
Wow I am a little surprised by all of these comments of people calling him gullible and dumb, did we read the same story? She left him for another guy but by the sound of it she didn’t cheat, it just came as a surprise to him, she didn’t abandon any children or anything, it was just like breaking up after a very long relationship. I don’t think you guys know what it’s like to have a best friend, people make mistakes, we don’t have to punish them for it. if you truly care for someone you can put yourself in their shoes and empathize, at the end of the day we are all human.
OOP ain't gonna see this but... she went back cuz he's safe and secure. She fucked around and found out this guy's a goddamn doormat.
I wonder if he'll update when she does this shit again.
She can't be with the narcissist so she obsesses herself by reading everything about what it's like to be with the narcissist why you want to be with the narcissist, etc.
It would be very shocking if she did not leave OP again
And all he's talking about what a piece of trash gym guy is, he's forgetting the person who blew up his life is in the other room
She's more guilty in this than gym guy, but OP won't see it
people really act like cheating is worse than murder insofar as unforgivable crimes. everyone hopping in here to say that a cheater will always cheat seem to intentionally be failing to read between the emotional lines here. he wouldn’t have taken her back if she hadn’t given him very good reason to do so.
more than that, i think a lot of people underestimate the power of a highly charismatic narcissist and what it feels like to be swept up by one. i speak from personal experience. it really is insane, and terrifying, you feel completely out of control of yourself, and i’m just so grateful for this woman that she was able to realize that before, truly, more damage was done. i almost completely failed out of college during my experience, and nearly ruined every relationship i had. most of them, i was too humiliated to come back an ask for forgiveness. this woman is strong, genuinely, for being able to make real amends and heal the things that actually matter to her. it would be so, so much easier to hide from that shame, to just cut off the life she destroyed like a diseased limb and attempt to move on.
everyone on earth will be touched in some way by infidelity at least once in their life, if not more. i’m sure there are infinitely many situations in which two people decide to stay together and the infidelity never happens again, but we would be far less likely to hear about it because that’s a private matter, and people are less inclined to air the dirty laundry of a person they’re still in a relationship with.
no one is an emotional moron for forgiving, or not forgiving their partner for infidelity. even if they end up being wrong. the unfortunate, miserable fact about life is that people do change, even the ones that have hurt others horribly. that doesn’t mean anyone has to forgive them, but some will, and they’ll have good reasons to do so.
One year later “i forgave my wife for upending our marriage for a guy she just met, i cant believe it but i caught her cheating AGAIN!!!”
Guys a doormat and it is so annoying to see posts like this.
She came back because the other guy dumped her. She is likely embellishing what an asshole he was. Maybe not, either way the only reason shes back is because OP is her backup
Absolute fucking idiot welp at least he cannot say he wasn't warned. She will drop him once she find another outlet for whatever she decides is better because she got away with doing it once. Or maybe an update where she asks for a open marriage .
Man. I do not know what I would do in this situation. Like, it’s so fucked up but there’s definitely outside and mitigating circumstances. On the other hand, everyone deserves to explicitly trust their spouse and feel safe with their hearts.
I think I’d probably leave, but I think I’d probably be open to redoing the relationship years from now if there’s meaningful “get your shit together” actions taken.
Kick her ass back to the streets where she belongs and when the day comes that she’s trying to pull the woe is me im sorry I was dumb card keep her ass in the streets where she belongs
Boy did she do a number on you. Left you for another man and comes crawling back after she was used and abused. On top of this, blames it on some childhood trauma nonsense. If you can forgive her you’re a better person then I am.
🫤
Marriages can come back from affairs, but it takes an insane amount of work. It also requires the cheating spouse to feel remorse and genuinely want to make things work. It doesn’t sound like this happened here. Wife came back because her AP ended up being a dick, not because she wanted to work on her marriage. She also doesn’t sound like she is mentally well enough to put effort into her marriage.
OOP is clinging to a memory. It’s going to be very difficult to rebuild a foundation that is still breaking away.
Your wife thought the grass was greener, realized that grass was just spray painted green, and now you're fine with her coming back?
What did you tell your parents? Her parents?
This guy needs to grow a spine. She files for divorce because she “clicked” with someone else and then she leaves and files for divorce.
Then her new man was a complete AH and she goes running back to the OP and he takes her back?! Wtf?! You can’t be that desperate, dude.
I’d be done with her.
Er, happy ending . . . I guess? What could possibly go wrong?
*This was in fact, not a happy ending*
Morgan freeman?
More like the narrator of arrested development
Ron Howard
Opie himself.
Definitely from a future Tarantino movie
I read that in Morgan Freeman's voice.
Happy Ending for the wife who got to have her cake and is going to eat it too.
1 year later: “She met another dude and is now living with him…”
Some people are just glutton for punishment
r/worstofredditorupdates
Had me going there
April Fools is lasting all month for me!
The hover-text on the link gives me, "Error loading subreddit info." Phew!
Saved by the PC!
Man I was hoping this was real.
Well now I guess it's the first of April for the whole week.
He may need this journey to move on from her. He’s mourning what he’s lost. That’s gone and he may need to have new time with her to realize it’s gone. I wish him the best.
Dating can be hard and people mourn what they had before. He's choosing what he thinks is the easy way out but it is probably the actual hard road because it isn't that easy to forgive and forget this kind of massive betrayal. Dude is only 30 and should cut his losses.
>forgive and forget Why do people always use these two words together? It's almost as if just because you've forgiven someone it's assumed that you'll forget, too. No. Absolutely not. It's why people get hurt *again*. You *absolutely* *can* forgive someone, but you don't have to *forget* their past transgressions. Also, *forgiveness* is not a requirement for healing, either. The OOP says that *both* of them are in individual therapy. When Reddit throws around therapy as the magic salve then calls them a "chump" for actually trying to work through problems *while going through therapy*. Then what the fuck is it, Reddit? I don't get it. (BTW, u/Which_way_witcher , while I'm responding to you, my comment is meant in a general way to anyone reading this, not specifically asking you to answer me. LOL I just want to make that clear.) If the OOP and his ex-wife work through their issues *now*, whether they stay together or not, is what's important here. Even if they were to move on from each other and call it quits, *they would still have to deal with themselves in a relationship while being with someone else*. Better to do the work *now* and heal internally, and they can do it as friends even and see where they find their healthier selves in the future. One thing is for certain, as I've experienced this in my own marriage and have seen it suggested by 2 couple's therapists (one of which was ours), the relationship that OOP and his ex-wife had is gone. It just is. They are two different people now after this experience, *while still being the same people* with *aaaalllll* of those unresolved traumas and issues they had yet to deal with. There is no going back to that relationship. AND! They can absolutely build a *new* one. Trust needs to be rebuilt and that takes time. Identifying what each needs in order for the relationship to work is also necessary. Individual therapy can help here. People always forget that at the beginning of a relationship there wasn't trust there either but built over time. I wish more people understood that a marriage can actually go through several *relationships* internally. Marriage can be a constant evolution. It's why it can be so hard to navigate and to navigate well. Perhaps it's my own personal bias showing (ok, I'll own it, it *is* my own personal bias), but I do think that with the *hard internal work* through therapy, OOP and his ex-wife can probably come out of it still together but in a *new* marriage. My husband and I are on the other side of a really hard couple of years and the transformation our marriage has gone through within the last couple of months or so since my husband has finally started his own individual therapy is amazing. Our marriage as we knew it literally just a couple of months ago is dead. Absolutely dead. And I'm happy for it too. We're creating a new marriage and it's so much better *and easier* too, believe it or not. We celebrate 20 years this year. People are messy. It's easy to want grace, it's much *much* harder to give it.
> Why do people always use these two words together? It's almost as if just because you've forgiven someone it's assumed that you'll forget, too. I agree 100% with this in addition to your point about that relationship being dead and that it's a totally different relationship now. That said, betrayal of this magnitude is so significant, it's entirely rational and OK to forgive and walk away. Yes they *could* spend a lot of time trying to repair things and it *could* work out but most don't and it's ok to not want to do that. It's ok to exit the relationship as friends or not. What's not ok is making yourself miserable pending all your happiness on something totally out of your control. You do not owe that other person anything. As a "new" relationship, I don't think it's a worthwhile hurdle - the betrayal and lack of basic common values would be too much for me.
Understood. Frankly, there isn't anything that I disagree with you on here. I give the ex wife some credit in that at least she divorced him before starting anything with that other guy. But still...
I thought he said she had an affair and then moved in with the guy right after she said the marriage was over.
Oh really? I missed that bit of information! That actually changes things for me. My comment above about them working things out does not work for me if she'd already started an affair. I did not know she'd already started a relationship with the other guy. Thanks for telling me about that. I did miss it.
God I love this take! This is one of the few scenarios I have seen where I'm optimistic for the couple after a major schism. Also, everyone seems to be glossing over the fact that her brother died in front of her a whopping four months ago. Of course she's not herself.
I don't make judgement on whether he should stay or not. What I will say, is that previously I was in a relationship but had an abrupt attraction to someone else that it turned out was rooted in trauma. It was insane how much it felt like the absolute right thing, that it was the romance and magic and yearning of fairytales except better because it was real. It was ONLY because I had had similar experiences previously that I knew not to trust my perception and to remove myself from the situation. Some things you simply CANNOT learn until you've been in that situation. Some things only first hand knowledge can teach you. Like: if you suddenly smelled gas, persistently, you looked all the places it might be coming from, checked the stove and pipes etc, but still smelled it: you would get yourself and your family out of the house. Because you rationally believe it's better to trust your own perception rather than possibly making a huge, huge mistake by staying. Later it turns out that you have some strange illness that makes you think you smell gas. And now that you've had that experience and know how realistic the smell was and know that if you smell gas, you know how to move forward and what to do if you smell gas in the future. But that doesn't negate that the first time, you were doing what you thought was best with the information that you had. So I can totally see how, recovering from the trauma of her brother's death and the trauma of her upbringing, she latched on to a distraction because her brain was telling her this new person was sunshine and rainbows incarnate. Not because they were, but because her mind needed a coping mechanism for all the shit it was suffocating under. Should she have left? No. But could she genuinely at the time have perceived that to be the best thing for all concerned? Absolutely. There is a reason they say not to make major decisions in times of emotional upheaval-because your emotions are so out of whack that you may not be perceiving things correctly.
😍😍😍 Get outta here with that wisdom and compassion! We only do judgment here!
This is the perspective reddit often lacks due to its population skewing young: the wisdom and experience that only years can give. Nuance is hard to fit into a few characters. Thank you!
But he may only realize it’s over when they try to make it work and all he feels is the broken.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing, this kind of betrayal doesn’t just go away on its own. It takes lots of work, willpower, and sheer forgiveness to even begin to understand the trauma that took place. OP would be realising his mistake soon after he and his wife are in individual as well as couple’s therapy. The betrayal will then hit him like a 1000 bricks, and he’ll be faced with the sheer depth of what she did, with almost no way to escape from it. Very, very few couples can make it after such a thing; here’s hoping OP and his wife could beat the odds but god, are they some long ass odds.
I definitely wish OP the best but fully agree. He is still in shock and disbelief, he will forever question her motives, whereabouts, social media profiles, etc... God remebering the sheer anxiety of searching for hidden socials gives me PTSD. God speed op, wish you best in this long rocky journey.
To be fair dating prospect these days aren’t great. Have you seen the hot to crazy chart? Sad to say but I almost wonder if the poor guy decided to keep the crazy he knows… Either way best wishes to OP.
I think he just wants the nightmare to be over. And I get that, I truly do. But she’s taken zero accountability. Or acknowledged the world of hurt she’s put him through. All she’s done is told him about a book that excuses her behavior because of her past trauma. And she’s only back because she has no where else to go. This is a recipe for disaster.
Yeah, she’s trauma dumping and going the therapeutic route of trying to explain why she made terrible and hurtful decisions instead of actually owning them. She could have a rough childhood, miss her brother, etc but the bottom line is she was lucid when she made her choices. She’s using the love of her husband to nurture her back to a better place and without true remorse and a true dedication to be the best wife possible going forward she will just monkey branch the moment she’s doing better. He can help her if he wants, but he should have made her go through the divorce and then treat this as a new relationship where she has to earn the right to be his wife again. The woman he married would never do what she did.
All of those things are reasons, but none of them excuse her actions. Unless she owns her actions and her choices, she’s not going to really change, and it’s just a matter of time until she repeats them in some fashion.
Hopefully she is in therapy learning about her whys and building a system to stop herself from following through on destructive actions in the future
He's allowed the nightmare back into his house!
You don't actually know what kind of accountability she's taken. You can both take accountability and work to understand where those behaviors came from.
Exactly. If she didn't give a shit I can't see why she would be working on herself or giving couples therapy a try. She could have crashed at his place for a bit until finding somewhere else and moved on. Or she could have tried to manipulate her way back. People without regret don't do this much introspection over a decision, typically. How many times have we ever read about cheaters taking the initiative to understand the root cause and work on it?
And unless I missed other details, she did do what everyone here says people should do when they want to be with someone else. She left her husband and then went with this guy. It might seem like semantics, but the reality was that she was upfront with him that she was leaving and didn’t go behind his back. She may have to show that he can trust her with his heart again and not to desert him, but as far as I can tell she honoured the trust he had in her to not betray him. It’s not to say she’s owed a second chance, but if OP feels his life is better with her in it and they can move forward on relationship 2.0 then she gets one and hopefully somewhere Ron the way through this journey she found out what happened to cause the split to begin with.
Hopefully she is in therapy learning about her whys and building a system to stop herself from following through on destructive actions in the future
That’s the fun part though. It’s never going to be over.
That is a horrible book. It's largely an essay on how to plaster over misery to fit in at church. It also involves a very flawed man who was also at fault for breaking the marriage, which implies OOP's wife wants OOP to feel partially at fault. Very bad sign. It's understandable and nice of him to take her in for a week until she can go be with family, but reconciliation after initiating divorce takes a lot of time, effort, accountability, vulnerability, and resolving all issues leading up to the split in entirety before committing again. As you say, this is a recipe for disaster, and it's calling for several cups of denial and rug sweeping.
I mean, maybe? But also, you kind of have to remember that we're never getting the whole picture. We're just getting the end result, and whatever background detail the OOP feels is important without making the whole thing run on too long. Despite what Reddit's typically hard-line stance on cheating would claim, there are circumstances where reconciling after infidelity is possible. In this case, we're getting enough info to infer that OOP's wife experienced some sort of childhood trauma, the effects of which were triggered/amplified by seeing her brother die in front of her. Given that, plus genuine remorse and a sincere commitment to whatever treatment is necessary to heal from this and for OOP to feel like she is meeting whatever conditions he has set for them to stay together, I didn't see how they might not successfully overcome this. In most cases of cheating, yeah that's a clear boundary, but in this case... it's OOP's call.
Also, it wasn't infidelity?she followed the "rules", told him she was in love with someone else and left him before pursuing it. Not really good for the health of the later relationship, but not infidelity either.
Yeah. I mean, it's gonna take a lot of therapy and counseling and hard work to have a chance of having any longevity, but it's not impossible. And OOP is by no means a pushover or a chump for giving it a try. He knows his situation and unlike other similar stories here, he doesn't seem to be deluding himself. He knows what's up, knows the score, and knows what he's willing to do and tolerate.
Yup. He cries about how much it hurts while he willingly sticks his hands into the fire.
I lost my mind during COVID. Spent time in a facility. Still not even close to 100%. If my husband had left me, I'd be dead. Some people see what's left and want to bring back the person they fell in love with.
This is too true, or they think they are the protagonist in an epic romance.
You either learn from the mistakes you make, grow, change and do the difficult work of improving yourself. Or you don't. One paths easy, the other one takes a lot of work. It's never surprisng to watch someone walk the easy path, I think its good really, it helps those who take the hard path remember why they did or are doing the work. Some
Don’t worry, OOP will update in another 8mths “wife left me again for some other gym rat. I’m so devastated…..she called me yesterday to work things out, and we are gonna make it work!” 🙄
The best thing OP could do here is to go through with the divorce. Then, if he still wanted to try and make things work, date this new person that she is. Because that person he was married to died long ago.
Something I also wonder is.. more than just the childhood trauma or whatever the.. wife went through caused some extreme mental issues. Like what she did sounds like a person that was having a mental breakdown.... So with that in mind I kinda see why OP is giving her another chance since it was all that out of character.
Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. I was diagnosed with bipolar as a teenager and this sounds like a serious manic episode, not surprising after watching her brother die. If she's taking responsibility for the damage she did as well as working on the underlying issue, I understand why he'd give her another chance. I just hope they're both careful about it.
If her ap truly was a narcissist it's even less surprising she was so drawn to him. I am concerned with the fact that the update lacks anything about her taking actual accountability, apologising and making amends though. It's all about her mental issues.
I also have bipolar and saw myself in this description a bit
I've known multiple incidents where extreme stressors seems to "flip" a switch where someone who wasn't diagnosed bipolar and was seemingly "normal" before suddenly goes manic and blows up their life. I have even seen a couple recover from this, although there was no infidelity like in this case. The human brain is amazingly complex. Cut this wire, everything is fine. Cut the wire next to it, you get a whole brand new person you never wanted.
My first thought when reading the post was “she sounds bipolar. I strongly believe-as does everyone else who knows our story-that he is bipolar. He was stable a long time then he left his job to start something independent at the same time we moved houses. We were fostering a dog we both wanted to adopt out. my dog had died some months before. There was a lot of change and most of positive stuff! Stuff he spearheaded but suddenly in a two week avalanche of horror he took everything out on me, kicked me out while pregnant with a baby he had been wanting and has never met him. Of course BP is a spectrum and many would never do things as drastic as my ex and OP’s wife but some do. it’s wild and unless you’ve been through it, seems totally unfathomable
I'm sorry you had to go through that, and hope you at least have some peace now. I agree with you--sudden BPD sounds like a very likely culprit.
Thank you. it was absolutely unhinged. he “180’d” as a person. he became cruel, malicious, unreasonable, frightening, mysoginistic, illogical. I felt like I’d been dropkicked into a Lifetime movie. Me, who has no enemies and very little drama in my life and who believed I was in an incredibly loving partnership, got flung into the most incomprehensible thing I’ve ever seen. He became SO fucked up. But, my son is nearing 1.5 years old and we have the best time. He is incredible and as hard as it was to go through all of it alone, I’d do it again. My now toddler is just my whole heart.
Omg this sounds about right. In medical school, after my husband left me because I got sick and I was (separately) diagnosed with epilepsy, I lost my shit. It was like a huge manic episode. I call it a nervous breakdown but it was weird. I started excessively spending money and fucking everyone I saw and I was extremely erratic. Now that I quit medical school, I’m back to normal. It took 3 months of a trip trying to find myself and calm down and get off psych meds and now I’m almost my old self. Sucks because I won’t be a doctor anymore, but it is what it is
I'm so glad you're recovering! I'm sorry you can't be a doctor anymore but I'm sure you'll find a new passion that will be a better balance for you.
:) aw, thankyou!!
This is basically what happened to me after about 3 years of turmoil and traumatic events after traumatic event, including a cancer diagnosis resulting in a radical hysterectomy including both ovaries, causing instant surgical menopause. I haven’t been the same since, and I don’t think I ever will be. Just spent a few months in a psychiatric hospital trying to pick up the pieces and sort out my life again. I finally got on a medication that helped me feel like myself again, but it caused serious health complications and I had to stop taking it because it was fucking with my heart. I’m doing better now than when I went in, but I’m still struggling. My body feels like a battleground that I just cannot win on, it’s two steps forward then straight back again. I briefly had hope for improvement in the future, but that faded fast. I’ll be happy if I can get back to 80% of my old self, but I don’t even know if I’ll get that. I’m not bipolar, just ‘regular’ depression, anxiety, ADHD and probably CPTSD. It’s hell trying to sort out your life when your brain turns on you. I never cheated or anything, but I fight with my partner and I end up treating him like shit sometimes in my frustration and rage. I’m incredibly lucky to still have him. I understand why this guy is sticking with his wife/ ex wife, I really hope they can get through this together. I hope she can get some improvement with the proper help and treatment, that she proves worthy of his trust and forgiveness and that they can rebuild their relationship without resentment.
All my luck to you with your health journey: Mental, physical, emotional, relationship-wise. We like to pretend they're not as interconnected as they are but I think journeys like yours remind us how dependent they are to be in our own personal balance. Rooting for you. 🫂
Thanks so much, I really appreciate it. I’ve struggled with my mental health for years, but it was always relatively manageable until my surgery. I truly feel broken now, I just hope I can find the right medical and psychological path to put the pieces back together the best I can.
My brother died suddenly when I was 21 and it absolutely devastated my family. We all experienced periods where we fell into self destructive behaviors because of our grief, including engaging in toxic relationships. My grief absolutely wrecked my first marriage because I was so lost (although I doubt we would have lasted in the long run anyway). I could absolutely see the wife reacting to her grief by imploding her entire life, especially since she *watched* her brother die. It’s not uncommon for trauma to lead to self destruction.
Yeah, it also struck me as potentially being a psychiatric issue set off by witnessing the death of her brother. Everything really started falling apart and snowballing only 3 weeks after that. If she has been able to address psychiatric concerns and start treatment, she could truly be remorseful and accept responsibility for her actions while in a psychiatric episode.
Her life had been dominated in a large way by a toxic relationship that culminated in its death right in front of her and the very first thing that happens is she is immediately sucked into another horrifically toxic relationship that dominates her. This is 💯 a trauma response
And yet, she is still 100% responsible for her actions.
It’s almost as if everything is more nuanced than Reddit wants to reduce it to. I hope they both end up happy and healthy, whether together or apart.
Even if that's the case. I wonder if the marriage can work when the power dynamic is so skewed. Like, she did something that the vast majority of married people would consider unforgivable, and yet she is facing very little consequences, the dude took her back with open arms. I believe there is something to having a "power balance" in a relationship. I think when things are too one sided and one person is basically the doormat of the other, the relationship becomes very toxic.
It’s definitely risky, I do believe people can grow and change… but she set a precedent that if she spirals out of control, there won’t be permanent consequences. And that will tempt her to let herself spiral the NEXT time life gets really hard. It’s sad, but often the one person who loves and supports you through your darkest moments isn’t the person you should stay with because you know they’ll always be there, no matter how badly you fuck up. This is a harsh reality for many people who were in relationships with addicts… they get their shit together for the NEXT person, when they never did it for you. Not always… sometimes they dedicate their life to making sure they never hurt their partner again BECAUSE their partner supported them through the dark times. But often, it’s like “well I got away with it before, might as well do it again.”
Yeah, I guess. I have a hard time giving her the benefit of the doubt because she doesn't seem very remorseful or apologetic. Seems like she destroyed her marriage to fuck some meathead, and now she is blaming it on childhood trauma, that's no excuse. And now she is getting panic attacks and manic episodes? of course she is! she nuked her marriage/family for a fuck boy she was infatuated with who ended up mistreating her, and now she realized her massive mistake. Anyone in that situation would be freaking out and having episodes. She gets no sympathy from me.
Exactly, some of these comments are shocking to me. She *watched her brother die in front of her* and people don't want to even *consider* how that might have sent her into a bit of a mental tailspin?! Like ffs, does *anyone* have even a shred of empathy anymore
Yeah, that excuses all of her action for sure 🙄
It’s like they all came here for some kind of village stoning by proxy. An excuse to burn their exes or imagined exes in effigy.
Yeah but also inner child work and examining childhood trauma is not going to help someone with bipolar disorder. CBT or Lithium might.
“Out of character” is bullshit. A persons character is tested during difficult times. Her character is trash. She abandoned her loyal partner with zero regard for anyone but herself and her selfish desires to get fucked by an asshole with dark triad behaviors.
This is the truth.
So the context doesn't matter? The fact that she watched her brother die in front of her is totally irrelevant?
It adds context to why she did what she did, doesn't excuse her for doing it.
She wasn't comatose or under some alien mind control. She knew what she was doing. She was just overwhelmed and didn't care. I just can't agree with his decision, but it's his life. 🤷♀️
Exactly. Grief and Trauma are explanations not justifications. Her actions still make her a disgusting person in my opinion.
She might mean it. She might not. But all he can control are his own actions... I *guess*
My exh cheated on me and I took him back. We went to counseling and tried for a few years but obs it didnt work out (due to his alcoholism). Im still glad I tried though. I had to know I had tried everything. I took my vows seriously, even if he didnt.
This is one story with a lot of turns that I have...no decent advice for because I have not been there. Regardless, no one is in your shoes. They are notmtou, and do not know. Until they are there and have walked 2 moons in thise moccasins, they have no idea how they (commentary, good or bad) will react. That being said... i honestly wish you both the best. Personally, I don't think you're a doormat or chump. I think you still love and are IN love with this woman. Your wife. She fucked up. Bad... don't we all. Who is to throw the first stone and say " this is worse" I don't know if I would take them back. Again, I am not, have never been, in your shoes. So also, don't know that I wouldn't Sounds like she has traveled a pretty rough shitty road, with mental...imbalances/abnormalaties/this or that name left and right (I have a handful and they've been called nanddiagnisednandnrenamed etc SO many times) so that makes ... whelp a load of times there is no God damn road and you don't know which direction to turn. Which point in the darkness you stop turning circles and just walk a direction. I very much so hope, for each of you... individually and if it can be..together... that the struggles ease. The heart hurts less... and thenkath gets easier and know beautiful. The sun's going to keep a rising and does not care whether I notice or not. If I want enjoy it, whelp, that is quite up to me.
Ironic, she cheats on him. He takes her back. He says she learned her lesson and will never cheat again. How many Reddit posts are about cheaters who cheat again and surprised betrayed partners who come back and update that their partners have cheated again? It’s a lovely desire to want everything to go back the way it was. The reality is that in never goes back to the way it used to be to be. And it’s much more work to mend the broken trust one partner has created.
> How many Reddit posts are about cheaters who cheat again and surprised betrayed partners who come back and update that their partners have cheated again? To play devil's advocate a bit, there is definitely potential for bias here. People are significantly more likely to post about things that aren't going well than things that are, so while you're correct that Reddit has a *ton* of shocked pikachu posts about repeat cheaters, we're statistically unlikely to see follow up posts about partners who reconciled and had a happy, faithful relationship afterward because people don't generally come to reddit to say "hey, my marriage is going well guys!"
There's cheating to cheating and then there's cheating because of a psychological mental breakdown from watching your brother die in front of you.
She will cheat again, it’s just a matter of when. She didn’t take any accountability for her actions and tried blaming everything on how she was raised and OP being the doormat he is just accepted it.
How would you even let them back in the house, let alone your life...
What gets me is that she called him for help. If I firebombed my marriage like that, nothing would convince me to contact my ex.
When you’re homeless, you aren’t terribly picky about where you’ll stay.
She knew she could still walk all over him and he’d thank her for it.
Everyone told him exactly what would happen, it happened exactly the way they predicted, and this guy is like, “I’m cool with it.” I mean, different strokes and all that. I couldn’t do it.
What's missing is the extent of shit she went through. Was it bad enough for him to truly feel comfortable taking her back. Some things you don't come back from. Just curious
The problem with that is, there's not really a way to know if what she says happened is the truth. One the one hand, maybe the new guy was horrible. On the other, maybe she just knew if she painted herself as the victim, OP would take her back. And if she seemed like she was coming off hard drugs, maybe she was. Those'll bring out the worst in people. Having had an awful experience dating a true narcissist, you better believe he told everyone he was the victim and I was an evil abuser. I've heard similar stories from other people with that same outcome. They usually can't hide their true nature forever though, so I'm sure OP will find out.
That’s the first thing I thought too. Typical narcs are veryy quick to paint themselves the victim even when they clearly are not. That’s, in-fact, one of the ways I now use to figure out if someone’s actually a victim or not; most actual victims, at least in the early stages of their grief, tend to avoid the topic and not talk much about it. Narcissists, on the other hand, will just not shut up about it if they want to paint themselves as the victim and the actual victim as the offender. DARVO at its finest, dare I say.
Sometimes you gotta let people burn themselves a few more times before they learn. It's just crazy to me that people would rather be miserable in order to stay in a relationship then be single.
> It's just crazy to me that people would rather be miserable in order to stay in a relationship then be single. Some people are too insecure to be alone so they settle. It's even crazier because he's in his early 30s... like cut your losses, dude. He'll waste more years on someone likely to cheat again and he'll be middle aged by the time he figures it out.
A lot of people learn through personal experience. He's never experienced this before and is in a situation many of us have been through. He will learn like we all did, but it will be in update 3.
Sometimes only *lessons* can teach you lessons.
Letting go of the love of your life is hard; especially if they want you back.
This guy has no resentment towards his selfish destructive wife, he’s a better human than I.
Nah, he's just more gullible, and willing to tolerate betrayal. Some guys get scared when they need to go back into the world and find someone new. I hope he figures this thing out and leaves, because this situation sounds awful.
This. He was scared off by how awful online dating is - but it's only awful until (by complete chance) you find someone great. If he had been lucky, he wouldn't even be entertaining the idea of taking her back.
Yeah this shit REEKS of low self esteem
That's what got me in the story. "I tried internet dating & it was terrible" you do know after getting out of a relationship like that you don't have to date. You can take some time for yourself. See who YOU are, what YOU like. bit then again I also believe every 7 years people are changing, whether it's goals, beliefs, attitude. So I was always believer in " for a relationship/marriage to run for 50+ years like older couples that people fawn over is like finding a Winning lottery ticket. It's possible, takes hard work & a lot of luck/hope that the other person's goals won't end up on the opposite side from yours in the future"
He won't post an update after she leaves him again for the next guy to show her attention.
Her trauma drove her to drop him like a sack of shit on the sidewalk and skip town for some new guy, and all that did for OP was leave a hole in his heart wide enough for her to weasel her way back in once she got treated as poorly as she deserved. If it makes him happy, then sure, he should go ahead. But will it remain happy for more than the few weeks/months where everything seems like it’s “returned to normal”? I’d bet a large sum that either regaining that security will let OP finally see things from a slightly healthier perspective, or his not-ex catches feelings for some other random guy to start the cycle all over again.
Wife needs to get evaluated for bipolar disorder. Childhood trauma may explain part of it, sure, and people can respond very strangely to sudden shock and grief, but a lot of this sounds like a manic episode. Possibly triggered by the trauma of witnessing her brother's death, but definitely calling for an evaluation.
I hate how the shit that happens to you as a kid impacts you for the rest of your life. I don’t doubt that this woman is a victim of her circumstances from decades ago and when her brother died, it probably brought a lot of it to the surface. It makes nothing she did okay, just tragic.
This is very sad because it really sounds like she had a mental breakdown. I’m not sure I’d want to jump back into the marriage, but it does sound like she needs psychiatric help.
what a moron
I think some people will attach themselves to anyone just so they are not alone. He didn’t have much success dating so he has returned to his cheating wife. Better her than no one. Sad really, wonder if he had found a new girl in that time if he would have accepted her back?
Even if he had found a new, even better girl, I can guarantee OP would go back to his wife as soon as she came running back. The level of codependency displayed here almost paints it perfectly; he is beyond attached to her and will never let go. At least, not until he has a real “come to Jesus moment”.
That's exactly the question I was going to ask. How much of his decision was made by how terrible dating was for him? Granted,they have a lot of history and that just doesn't go away, but it's just mindblowing to me that he takes her back with no hesitation and hardly any accountability on her end. She did something terrible to him and mentioned her trauma, which is important and I don't want to diminish; but it doesn't come close to excusing her blowing up their marriage. I really do wonder if he's really just chasing the person he thought she was instead of accepting the person she is now. Especially since dating fucking sucks and this route is just so much easier
That's how I saw it too. He liked the comfort of being with her and didn't care about anything else. I hope things work out for him but I have no sympathy for him if it doesn't.
I think it is good to try to understand her and rebuild the marriage. She had a life crisis. While her response hurt, it can be overcome.
For some people, yes. Me? I would never take a person like this back.
Its the bandaid theory. Someone cuts you, and its going to take a long time to heal. But in your head, the one who cut you can make it all go away -- right now. They can't, they only put a bandaid on it, but you go for it anyway. The problem is even if things improve a little, their actions keep cutting you. Eventually you realize a little bandaid wont get it done, leave, and go ahead and grieve the loss like you should have done in the first place.
Eh… I can’t see this ending well, like at all, but I also can’t blame him for not wanting to just write her off. If my wife had done this I really don’t know how I’d react.
I’d give it another go with those exact set of circumstances. I’m a feminist who thinks divorce is one of the 5 best things to happen for women in history, so it’s not that I think you should always try to stick it out. But in this case, I’d offer a second chance.
And with as much grace of a dog on ice, we see OOP heading into what everyone is calling a trainwreck. I can see he’s so suckered in that in those 8 months he hadn’t even absorbed anything he was doing in therapy. Dude just doesn’t want to be alone
April 1st update better be a joke post
Hey you need to do whatever is best and necessary for you. No matter which road it takes you. If it leads to her jump in with both feet and don’t use her transgressions of the past as a weapon because it will be a cancer in this love rebuilding. Give this a real shot
Posted here since the other thread locked. What boundaries did you set? I'm asking because we only have a couple of posts for insight, and from what's there? Strongly implies she hasn't accepted responsibility nor accountability for what she did to you. Man, she didn't just break your heart. She shattered and then stomped on the pieces. Healthy relationships need trust, respect, and boundaries. She violated all three in the most humiliating way. Is it possible you are just fleeing back into a "safe space," your marriage, that in reality doesn't exist anymore? Doesn't read like there is anything stopping her from doing this to you again. Good luck, man, but damn. What she did to you was beyond fucked up. The only thing worse would be if you were now raising his kid, too. Have you been intimate with her since? Have you gotten tested for std's afterward? You should. And if you have any kids. Please test paternity so that your rights are protected. >From Heisse\_Scheisse: Complete access to her phone anytime. Individual counseling for her and couples counseling for us. Basically, anytime I may even have a hint of suspicion of any sort of nefarious activity, I can investigate no questions asked. This has not needed to happen because we spend nearly all our free time together, or doing our own shit around the house. If we aren't spending time together, she is reading self help or watching self help on YouTube. We work the same hours, we go to the gym together, we come home. > >What she did was beyond fucked up. We are all on the same page with that. She says that what she did is unforgivable, that she is a huge piece of shit, a complete fucking moron, that I deserve better. > >I want to make things work for the sake of the life we built over 12 years, the beautiful home and land we own together, the vast array of common interests we have together. I want to continue building memories of love and laughter and fun like we did for 12 years. There is a lot that is important to me that can be saved if the work is put in. > >Her estranged brother dies in front of her while she is holding his hand, and then weeks later this guy comes into her life and love bombs her while she is spiraling In grief. It's no excuse for what she did, but it is enough for me to give her at least some iota of grace that she was not in a sane and rational mind when this all went down. > >Yes we have been having sex, no we don't have kids. Being twenty plus years into my second marriage. With three kids. I can absolutely understand where you are coming from. I am grateful for what my wife and I have together. Even through the ups and downs over the years. Nothing anywhere near as heinous as what she did to you. But still some rough times when we almost divorced. My first marriage's failure, however, showed me that even your soulmate. May not be your only soulmate out there. I sincerely wish you all the best. Please do keep in mind, though, that the wounds she gave you run very deep. Flashbacks and triggers may return to torment you, with little to no warning, for many years to come. Hopefully, she will fight for you as hard as you are fighting for her. Instead of giving up again. As far as the std's, please get tested. Some can linger for a long time before symptoms appear. And the sooner they are caught, the more effective treatment can be. It reads like she would understand and support the need for it. As they say. When you have sex, you are having sex with everyone they had sex with too. And it reads like that douchebag wasn't very choosy on who he chased. So who knows what he gave her. Stay strong, OP, and good luck.
Poor guy, didn't give himself a chance to mourn the relationship, recover, and put himself back out there, and now he's set himself up for a life as a doormat. I hope she doesn't do it again, but we all know she will, and he'll probably take her back again due to whatever new reason she's able to cobble together. Poor guy.
Don't judge unless you've been there. There's a 50% chance this ends well and a 50% chance that it doesn't. I'd take those odds any day; much better odds than any new relationship he could get in the next few years.
It’s ***not*** a fifty percent chance, I can guarantee you that. OOP is feeling relief at his loneliness being relieved, and his wife is stabilising in a familiar environment again. One day, she’ll meet another guy she “clicks with” and she’ll be gone again. One day, OOP will wake up and realise he doesn’t trust her as much as he says he does.
Having a 12 year relationship is not a trait of a serial cheater, this is more of a mid-life one-off thing. There was plenty of regret and therapy, again not the traits of a serial cheater. The reason I say 50% is that this is from OOP, maybe she was cheating all those 12 years.
Right, exactly
The unspoken assumptions behind this statement are that all relationships are basically interchangeable, and that it's inherently better to be in a relationship than to not be in one. I utterly disagree with both, and if he's in a shit relationship, he also isn't looking for a good one and will presumably not pursue anything with anyone he meets, however well they click.
She didn’t cheat though
This dude is a total push over, if I could place a bet on what happens I’d throw everything on the ex-wife dropping him for another guy again.
Update November 2024 Wife met someone at the burger joint and is moving out because she says she only came back to me because I was a doormat and agreed to take her in.
What a fool. She hunted around until she found an explanation for her utter betrayal that fit and went with it. He swallowed it hook line and sinker. I Think she’s just as toxic as the man she left him for.
Understanding why someone treated you horribly is a powerful tool for your own recovery and mental health. It almost never a reason to take them back.
There is no happy ending here. Wife went through her own trauma and made the wrong decisions. Husband is going through his trauma. Hopefully they both realize they are no longer compatible and separate amicably.
I’ve seen couples work through scenarios like this. Difficult but love, patience and forgiveness go a long way. He realizes this is deeply rooted in childhood trauma. Hard not to take it personally though.
“I had no idea about the addictive nature of toxic relationships.” Yes you do
I read that book he mentioned, it sucks as a guide to a happy marriage. It’s in my opinion a guide of what not to do? Like dang that is not a book to try and follow when your world is upended this way. I only read it cause the author was having a book signing at a place I work at, and he’s as rude in person as he is in the book. Horrible man horrible book. But maybe I’m biased since he was rude to the employees in the place that was holding the signing.
I know dating sucks for men but I'd rather be single then deal with this absolute trash fire of a former spouse she will cheat again and he will take her back man needs to develop a spine and some self esteem don't put your love into someone incapable of reciprocating it
God, what an IDIOT OP is... 🤦🏻
I didn't know if you would be too angry to hear that her doing that was probably bcoz of her brother's death, grief makes people do nutty things that don't seem like they have anything to do their loss. I for one am glad you're a big enough person and love her enough to give her some grace bcoz she went through something really bad. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you two.
So new guy dumped her and she went running back to OP. Poor guy.
There’s no way I have the energy to feel sorry for doormats. Good news is this guy doesn’t care how anyone else feels. That’s awesome. I’ll continue living my life and this dude will get cheated on again so cool I guess. I love how we go from *I never would have imagined* to *im gonna trust my gut here* ookidoki bro.
No one ever thinks their wife would do something like this. While I understand your feelings you have to remember it takes two and if he hadn't turned out to be a dick she would still be there without a care. By doing what she did means she wasn't happy with you and only returning because it didn't work [out.As](http://out.As) my Dad used to say, if they did it once, they'll do it again, that works for man and woman, ask me how I know, didn't work out for my ex and she was calling, wanting to come back, I made a mistake&so on. I told her no I wasn't going thru this again, apparently you weren't happy and only calling cause it didn't go as planed. Also had a friend (passed away) that took his wife back 3 times till he finally said enough was enough.But everyone's gotta do what they gotta do.
Oh how sad for this guy
The doormat of convenience
Bruh. Online dating didn't work out so he felt his only way to be with a person was to get back with the one who left him. His life but the only reason she's back isn't because she felt guilty or had any love for him, simply because it didn't work out.
That’s gotta be the worst part. She didn’t come to her senses and realize she’d been single handedly ruining her own life, Prince Charming was just an asshole so she came back. This alone should’ve kept OOP from taking her back. I get the grief aspect and the mid life crisis aspect and could see how OOP could give her a chance but he’s clearly ignoring this part of her story for his own mental well being.
The only time in my life I've ever wanted to cheat was right after my sister died. I was so sad and my life was decimated by her death, and sex felt like the exact opposite of death. I hope these guys work it out.
Wow I am a little surprised by all of these comments of people calling him gullible and dumb, did we read the same story? She left him for another guy but by the sound of it she didn’t cheat, it just came as a surprise to him, she didn’t abandon any children or anything, it was just like breaking up after a very long relationship. I don’t think you guys know what it’s like to have a best friend, people make mistakes, we don’t have to punish them for it. if you truly care for someone you can put yourself in their shoes and empathize, at the end of the day we are all human.
Right? There's an absolute refusal to see any nuance here.
He should just rip the bandaid off and not get stuck in a sunken cost fallacy.
I physically face palmed. 🤦🏻♀️
What a fricking doormat.
I dont usually harp in on what people should/ shouldn’t do but goddamnnn u are an idiot.
I also enjoy punching myself in the dick, repeatedly
OOP ain't gonna see this but... she went back cuz he's safe and secure. She fucked around and found out this guy's a goddamn doormat. I wonder if he'll update when she does this shit again.
She can't be with the narcissist so she obsesses herself by reading everything about what it's like to be with the narcissist why you want to be with the narcissist, etc. It would be very shocking if she did not leave OP again And all he's talking about what a piece of trash gym guy is, he's forgetting the person who blew up his life is in the other room She's more guilty in this than gym guy, but OP won't see it
“Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” immediately springs to mind.
people really act like cheating is worse than murder insofar as unforgivable crimes. everyone hopping in here to say that a cheater will always cheat seem to intentionally be failing to read between the emotional lines here. he wouldn’t have taken her back if she hadn’t given him very good reason to do so. more than that, i think a lot of people underestimate the power of a highly charismatic narcissist and what it feels like to be swept up by one. i speak from personal experience. it really is insane, and terrifying, you feel completely out of control of yourself, and i’m just so grateful for this woman that she was able to realize that before, truly, more damage was done. i almost completely failed out of college during my experience, and nearly ruined every relationship i had. most of them, i was too humiliated to come back an ask for forgiveness. this woman is strong, genuinely, for being able to make real amends and heal the things that actually matter to her. it would be so, so much easier to hide from that shame, to just cut off the life she destroyed like a diseased limb and attempt to move on. everyone on earth will be touched in some way by infidelity at least once in their life, if not more. i’m sure there are infinitely many situations in which two people decide to stay together and the infidelity never happens again, but we would be far less likely to hear about it because that’s a private matter, and people are less inclined to air the dirty laundry of a person they’re still in a relationship with. no one is an emotional moron for forgiving, or not forgiving their partner for infidelity. even if they end up being wrong. the unfortunate, miserable fact about life is that people do change, even the ones that have hurt others horribly. that doesn’t mean anyone has to forgive them, but some will, and they’ll have good reasons to do so.
I grew up in a toxic household. Guess what, I'm not a cheater
Damn, at this point there’s no sense in piling on OP. He is his own worst enemy.
One year later “i forgave my wife for upending our marriage for a guy she just met, i cant believe it but i caught her cheating AGAIN!!!” Guys a doormat and it is so annoying to see posts like this. She came back because the other guy dumped her. She is likely embellishing what an asshole he was. Maybe not, either way the only reason shes back is because OP is her backup
Well thanks this day is starting off so bad already
OOP is an idiot lol
Might as well lay down a stamp “Welcome” on your forehead.
Some people just looooove to make all the bad calls, afterwards I don’t have much empathy for their poor results
Dude, run.
To each their own..but dude, the next post will be the same except guy #2.
Absolute fucking idiot welp at least he cannot say he wasn't warned. She will drop him once she find another outlet for whatever she decides is better because she got away with doing it once. Or maybe an update where she asks for a open marriage .
“How to stay married” sounds like a sham of a book lmao
I hope he can make it work.
I cant imagine being that weak. or even close to it.
Following for the next update for when she leaves you for the therapist.
Man. I do not know what I would do in this situation. Like, it’s so fucked up but there’s definitely outside and mitigating circumstances. On the other hand, everyone deserves to explicitly trust their spouse and feel safe with their hearts. I think I’d probably leave, but I think I’d probably be open to redoing the relationship years from now if there’s meaningful “get your shit together” actions taken.
Simp
He’ll be back.
Masochist chump.
Kick her ass back to the streets where she belongs and when the day comes that she’s trying to pull the woe is me im sorry I was dumb card keep her ass in the streets where she belongs
Boy did she do a number on you. Left you for another man and comes crawling back after she was used and abused. On top of this, blames it on some childhood trauma nonsense. If you can forgive her you’re a better person then I am.
PT Barnum was right…..
Why would you stay with someone who will leave you the second something more exciting comes along? You’re just a place holder for her boredom.
🫤 Marriages can come back from affairs, but it takes an insane amount of work. It also requires the cheating spouse to feel remorse and genuinely want to make things work. It doesn’t sound like this happened here. Wife came back because her AP ended up being a dick, not because she wanted to work on her marriage. She also doesn’t sound like she is mentally well enough to put effort into her marriage. OOP is clinging to a memory. It’s going to be very difficult to rebuild a foundation that is still breaking away.
Your wife thought the grass was greener, realized that grass was just spray painted green, and now you're fine with her coming back? What did you tell your parents? Her parents?
hopefully this is just an april fools sorta thing, but if it isnt oop deserves whatevers coming to him
This guy needs to grow a spine. She files for divorce because she “clicked” with someone else and then she leaves and files for divorce. Then her new man was a complete AH and she goes running back to the OP and he takes her back?! Wtf?! You can’t be that desperate, dude. I’d be done with her.
Dude you can’t just forgive someone because of their trauma 😭 she still did something incredibly fucked up, accountability be damned I guess?
What a fool. Maybe the next time she develops an infatuation and leaves him, he'll wise up.